Your Friend Isn’t Your Therapist
We’re diving into your voice messages, DMs, and my own story on mental health in this second episode of season 3 of the Nicole Walters Podcast!
Welcome back friend! It’s been so fun getting your voice messages and DMs on social. You can record me something HERE by the way.
You’ll here my own mental health story at the end of this episode but first I answer a voice message about how to smoothly leave your 9-5 job! Then we talk through a DM I received about a relationship and what to do if divorce is being considered.
If there is one thing I want you to take away from this episode, it’s that your friend ISN’T your therapist.
Thank you so much for being here and being vulnerable with me! Let me know if you’re going to act on what I shared in this episode – just send me a DM on Instagram or Facebook! I can’t wait to hear from you friend.
Hey friends. I am so excited about the chats that we’ve been having. We have had a couple of really great episodes kicking off this season, and I am so excited about the feedback that I’ve been seeing on social. And it’s just been so fun for us to come back here week after week and connect and have friend time and all that good stuff. So thank you for being part of this conversational process, because I think that we’re both growing together and we’re learning together and we’re doing life together. So I’m really glad to have you back again this week. Now this week, uh, we are gonna be hitting on some tough topics, and I know that we do that week after week, but we try to keep a little light.
And this week’s a big one because this is something that I think has become pretty popularized in social media. Everyone is talking about mental health, and I wanna talk about my journey with mental health and how therapy has changed and saved my life. But I also wanna talk to you in a very, very real way about some misconceptions that a lot of us have around how therapy shows up, what matters about therapy, how to pick a good therapist, how to trust your therapist and above all else who is not your therapist. So today we’re gonna have some pretty good talk about that. And of course, I want to hear back from you, obviously, you know, we like to keep the conversation grace-filled and very respectful on social media, but I do love hearing from you.
So obviously you can always come back to Instagram @NicoleWalters and then we can chat more about it there. But before we do that, let’s kick off, like we always do with “Slide into my DMs.” So we had some great questions come in week after week and everywhere from business to life, to family, to self care, you name it. I love being able to help you out with what I know and point you to the right places when I don’t <laugh>. So we are going to be answering more questions. If you have a question that you want to submit head over to my Instagram at Nicole Walters or to my Facebook page, if you head over to either one of those places, look for the blue verified checks. So you don’t get someone funky and, uh, make sure that you click on the link and you can actually leave me a voicemail. And then, uh, I will answer your question here on the podcast. We get a ton of ’em. So I just try to pull ones that, um, I think will really be beneficial to everyone. So definitely, uh, chat with me there, but this week’s question, the first one that we have comes in from Rebecca. So Rebecca, what do you got?
Hi, Nicole. Okay. So my question has to do with balancing personal and professional goals. I have always had this dream of getting a remote job and traveling with this program that I have connections with, um, for a year. And that’s been a goal of mine, but I just quit my startup job that I’ve been with for the last year and a half to pursue freelance video marketing work. And obviously it is tough to launch something like that and start with a new client base as I just moved recently. Um, so finding clients to make videos for is obviously really difficult. And so I’m just kind of having second thoughts on if I should start to look for a typical 9-5, so I can have consistent income so I could do the travel program.
Oh my gosh, Rebecca. Great question. And I think that this question is something a lot of us can relate to if we’ve ever been a freelancer or we’re considering entrepreneurship, or we’re just trying to sort of balance out the idea of when is the time that income matters more than pursuing our dreams. So there’s a couple of pieces to that, you know, as someone who, uh, has been able to build a multimillion dollar business, through Inherit Learning Company, my e-commerce company, as well as, uh, also having worked for fortune 500 corporations for years. I gotta tell you that rule number one, for anyone listening, not just you, Rebecca, is that if you’re gonna take the big leap, make sure that you have a plan to catch yourself.
You wanna make sure that you’re not just quitting your job randomly, right? But you wanna make sure that you’re gonna be hired by the best boss you’ve ever had, you. So that means starting to get those clients on board, starting to save. There’s a structure that’s used in corporate America. That involves the concept of having keystone clients and keystone clients look like this. You wanna have one or two clients that, you know, are fairly large, fairly stable and fairly consistent. Maybe these clients will provide a monthly retainer or a regular business or provide enough income that you know, that will take care of, you know, all of your virtual employees or all of your supplies, something to that effect. And then you wanna start going for any lower to your clients. Meaning these clients are the ones that basically keep the lights on.
They’re the ones that may come and go or be more project-basis. But you know, they may be a little bit more work to keep on the books, but you can get a regular flow of them in. Now, a lot of companies make the mistake, this is very, very common in the startup era, thinking I just need a couple of Keystone clients and we’re gonna be good. We just need to land one big deal and we’re gonna be good. And theoretically, that’s not the case. What a lot of people don’t know is that in corporate America, uh, oftentimes when they are running their numbers, they pull Keystone clients off of the books. And the reason why they pull the Keystone clients is if you only have one big client like a Microsoft or a Coca-Cola, you don’t wanna leave ’em on the books because if they decide to switch or change their minds or something goes wrong with the business, you better believe that you wanna make sure you’ve got enough tiny clients on the books to keep the lights on.
So that’s a structure of what you wanna start to build. If you’re getting ready to make the big leap, quit your job and hire yourself. So that’s the place to start. And Rebecca, it’s not too late. Understand that. That’s where you’re gonna wanna go. Now, in terms of, is it time to get a nine to five to make sure you’re paying the bills? I always like to tell everyone there is no shame in working a nine to five job. I can’t emphasize enough this glorification of entrepreneurship as being this thing where you have to go all in and hustle and grind and, and sweat and believe and suffer until your dream comes to fruition. No, no, no, no, no. Listen, some of us need healthcare. <laugh> some of us need benefits. Some of us need to know that we’re gonna get that check every Friday.
Or if you got direct deposit, Thursday at seven <laugh> reliably, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Honestly, if you have to work hard to be the primary investor and fund your own future, there is pride in that. So yeah. Get the job, wait some tables, take a couple hours at target, be a seasonal worker. There’s nothing wrong with doing that type of work until you’re able to see your dream and your purpose come to light. There’s pride in that purpose. So I wanna let you know Rebecca that while you may be saying to yourself, do I go here? Do I go there? What is the right call? It’s sounds like you’ve already got it figured out. And I just wanna encourage you and maybe give you a little bit of permission to see it through. Thanks for reaching out.
And our next question that comes in is a good one. And this comes in from Susan. Susan slid into my DMs and she asked me, Nicole, I’ve been in a relationship now for three years, things have been up and down. We’ve had our highs and our lows. And right now we’re both considering divorce. I wanna know, if divorce is already on my mind does it make sense for me to consider couples therapy or do I just move forward and get it done? First and foremost I just wanna say Susan, not easy. I recognize that this is a tough place to be in, and I’m not happy about the transitions that you’re going through. It’s always difficult because marriage is one of the most amazing and incredible things to grow you. But it also is really important that as we grow and change in our lives, and as we learn more about who we are and point ourselves more towards who we want to be, that we have the right partner next to us to support those goals or that we take a season of stillness and a season of, you know, singleness to help us develop, to reach those goals ourselves.
So either way, I just want to applaud you for asking the right questions for recognizing that, you know, changes may need to be made, whether it’s in the marriage or without it. And just let you know that no matter what, whether you decide to get divorced or remain in your marriage, you made a brave and bold decision and you are still worthy and deserving. Now, all that being said, when it comes to couple therapy, I’ll speak for my own experience. You know, couples therapy is something that I think is very valuable. Um, our family, we spend a mortgage a month on therapy and it’s something that matters a lot to us. And it’s because it’s one, not just a situation where you are trying to fix problems, it’s a place where you’re going in order to make sure you can prevent problems.
You wanna work on skills to make sure that within your marriage, you’re treating each other the best and that you’re not bringing in traumas and letting those decide how you’re treating each other. And that should be the goal of couple’s therapy, to improve and tighten the relationship and learn how to communicate and relate to each other better and also gain more understanding around what your partner may need and how you can show up. Or if those needs are not something that you are already willing or prepared to offer.
And, um, I hear that you’re saying that, you know, divorce is already on the table. Personally, I will let you know that for me before I walk away from anything, whether it’s a marriage or a business or anything at all a career, I really like to know for my own integrity that I gave it my all. I wanna know that I did everything I could to use every resource, make sure that I can say, yeah, this is it because I am at loss of anything else to do. Um, and it also helps to have a professional, be able to co-sign that, to be able to say, look, there’s an impasse here. We cannot go forward. There is an incompatibility of goals or desires or existence, you know?
So I, I got married really young. I got married at 23 and, um, you know, now I am a little bit older than that. And <laugh> so, you know, after being married, uh, being with my partner for 14 years and being married for 12 years, um, I’m absolutely not the same person, you know? And the question always becomes, especially when you go into couple therapy, are you guys growing together?
Are you developing together? And can that partner support you in the next chapter of your life? And so I encourage you, you know, if you are even considering therapy as a couple, or even as an individual, while you’re trying to navigate this time, go for it, go for it because it won’t hurt you to learn more about either decision that you make to continue your marriage or to end it either way. Again, like I said earlier, I’m proud of you. I’m proud of you for stepping up and saying that you need change and I’m proud of you for seeking out solutions to get it. Your doing the right thing, Susan, keep it up.
You guys always ask the best questions, but now we’re going to talk about something I have seen on social media. And I gotta tell you in “Don’t make yourself content.” The reason why I call it that is because people are out there making themselves something they can be talked about. And it’s like, gosh, I just, I want us to be able to use content to grow. I want us to be able to use content, to be able to have a learning opportunity. So this week’s don’t make yourself content has to do with influencers as a whole. Now, I am not saying this, like, I’m not an influencer. I’ll be the first one to say, I fall under this category as well. I have been blessed by God to have a platform that people tune in to. And I know that when I say buy this popcorn, y’all gonna buy this popcorn.
But you also know that I am coming correct with the right info. Because one thing I don’t do is I don’t take a lot of deals and I don’t push a lot of ads. And I, I don’t promote a ton of stuff if I get behind it, it’s because I really genuinely love it. And, um, and that’s something I’ve taken a lot of pride in, you know, and honestly, I usually take you guys on the journey <laugh> or you guys will slide into my DMS and be like, Nicole, where’s the link. Why won’t you tell us where this thing is? So our relationship, maybe a little bit different than a traditional influencer relat cuz we’re kind of friends and I’m just like, girl, try this. But I wanna talk a little bit in keeping with today’s episode about influencers, treading the line, the ever so dangerous line between being a professional.
Let me start over with that part. I wanna talk a little bit more about influencers. Try a line, a very dangerous line between giving professional advice. Sometimes even a little bit medical and legal and recognizing their place is just sort of an influencer, which really lies in the space of inspiration or motivation. Now I don’t wanna get a bunch of icky messages. I wanna let you know, but at these are my opinions and these are my takes, but they’re based and rooted in a lot of what I see. And what I see is not just online, but it’s also behind the scenes. A lot of your favorite influencers are my top clients. They are out there telling you to sign up for their business programs and pay for their courses. And they’re knocking down my door because they don’t have the penny in the bank.
I gotta let you know that everything you see does that gliters is not gold. And I always want you to use what I call your executive discernment, which is the ability to see something and say, Hey, where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And maybe this isn’t something I need to buy into. Always research. Even when I tell you something, look into it for yourself and make a call. Do not believe blindly. You deserve better than that. Now, when I talk about influencers treading this line, you know what I’m talking about? It’s the influencer who’s saying, Hey, don’t listen to doctors at all. Instead treat yourself with a puls of mayonnaise and herbs, you know, in order to fix your cancer, you know, or don’t listen to your doctor about, um, you know, your weight loss plan instead, uh, forget that. Just see how you feel every single day and then drink two glasses, us of water and do 11 jumping jacks.
Now I gotta let you know. I think there is so much value. Hear me clearly when I say this, there is so much value in each of us sharing our experiences. What has worked for us and giving steps and details to help make the path easier for the person next to us. I am not, I am not negating the value of our experiences. I am a believer in experiences. As a matter of fact, you’ll always hear me say, you know, doctors get training in medical school from books, but they are not doctors until they have gone hands on and gotten years of experience through residency. And the reason why you don’t want a doctor, that’s just gone through books. You want a doctor, that’s cut. Some people open a couple times, right? So I don’t negate experience as being valuable, necessary and required to give great advice.
However, there are a couple categories where we probably shouldn’t be absorbing content from just anyone. And those categories are, you can write these down by financial legal, medical and mental health, financial, legal, medical, and mental health. Now it doesn’t mean that influencers aren’t able to contribute their personal stories to these areas, but make no mistake. Your favorite in influencer with a million followers, who’s telling you how you need to lose weight and workout. Every day is not the same level of qualification and credibility as someone who has dedicated their life, their money, their time and has the legal licensure and the ability to be sued, which absolutely affects what they say <laugh> and how they do it as a professional. And so I say this to you and don’t make yourself content to just encourage you as my friends, as people that I care about, the same thing I would say to my kids, the same thing I would say to my sister and the same thing I say to you guys as my internet besties, I want to know as you’re following your favorites out here, and they’re telling you things that sometimes feel a little off when they are in the same breath telling you that they want you to do this holistic thing or this alternative thing or this natural thing.
And they’re also trying to sell you an ebook or, um, a, uh, shampoo or a, uh, shake or a tea or a waste trainer that you’re just kind of understanding the context within which you’re receiving that information and understand that great marketing does not mastery make. And so whenever you’re out there, I just want you to use that discernment. Now, speaking to my friends who are influencers, cuz I know you guys listen as well. I don’t want you to feel icky about the fact that your business is the business of influence. I don’t want you to feel icky about the fact that you want to share your stories, share your lessons and help deliver others from this suffering that you yourself has been, have been delivered from. I think that’s incredible. I think it’s wonderful. I think it’s admirable and I think it’s worthy work.
All that I implore of you is that you do it with healthy disclaimers, do it with integrity, do it with honesty, make sure that you are in a position where you are comfortable saying no frequently so that you aren’t driven by the dollar to compromise yourself and your listener’s heart and health.
You wanna make sure that you’re able to say, look, this is something that worked for me, but I also advise that you seek out a professional and recognize that that does not make you look any less of an X. If anything, the words I don’t know makes me trust you more because there’s something to be able to let me start over, cuz there’s something to be said for the person who says, I don’t know, but I’ll help you find out or I don’t know, but I’ll point you in the right direction and knowing that you do that makes me trust you more.
And it makes me come back you more often because I know that you know that balance. So you guys have seen me talk about my health journey, uh, on Instagram and I shared some of the details of it, but I definitely haven’t dove into every single nuance of every single thing I’ve tried and every single thing I’ve done and every single step by step in play by play of how I’ve lost over a hundred pounds over the past six years. But the reason why I haven’t done that is one boundaries in privacy. My body is my business, but two, because it’s not safe for me to give you a play by play. Knowing that I have influence God has given me a platform and it is my job to be a good steward of that platform so that he’s able to continue to grow it and make sure that I handle it well.
And uh, especially having a podcast, I think a lot of us, uh, are recognizing what’s possible in the world of platforms, podcasting and uh, live streaming and Instagram and social media and TikTok and all these different platforms. If you’re blessed to have a microphone, you better recognize that blessing and be careful how you use said. And for me, you know, part of that means sharing stories with you and pointing out things and walking you through things and giving you business info and talking about family. But a large part of it is knowing when to keep my mouth shut. Knowing when that, even if I’m asked to give more to say, no, this isn’t appropriate and I need you to go see your doctor for data. See your doctor for data around your health first because the data and the numbers should drive your decisions and then build out a team of medical professionals to help you get to your goals.
So I recognize entirely that maybe that’s a little different for some of you guys. Maybe it feels like why isn’t Nicole sharing all her secrets or why isn’t she diving into all these about, you know, things, um, let me say, start over. I know sometimes that can be weird, like why isn’t Nicole sharing all her details because we’re so used to this culture where influencers seem to have answers and they’re, they’re in the business of spilling time and time again. And I just wanna let you know that if you ever catch me saying, Hey, I think you should go see a doctor for that. Or Hey, you know, this is what I did. And these are kind of the steps that I followed. But honestly, in your state, you need to talk to a lawyer because the laws could vary. Or honestly, I’m not gonna speak to that because that really is an accountant or a bookkeeper specialty.
And I think you should go there. That’s the reason why it’s because I love of you more than to let you trust your life to the internet you deserve. And you are worthy of strong, solid answers that will actually create real change in your life. And you’ll find those from professionals around you, not from influencers around you. So for the influencer out there, blah, for my influencer friends out there, don’t make yourself content. Don’t get yourself caught up in tiptoeing into waters that you shouldn’t tiptoe into. Just make sure that while you’re sharing your story, you’re also sharing the fact that it’s your story. Not necessarily everyone else’s plan and for my friends and my internet besties that are listening in use your God given tool of discernment. If it sounds a little funny, just do a of research or ask the right questions or, you know what come up with your own plan either way. That’s probably a lot better than choosing what someone else did for them. All right. Awesome.
Now this all rolls in perfectly into what we’ve been talking about really since the beginning of this season. And I really dove into it in episode one, when I was talking about, uh, some of the recent health challenges that I’ve had, uh, where, you know, I suffered from a case of Bell’s palsy, um, with stroke-like symptoms, high blood pressure and uh, how I dealt with facial paralysis. And I’ve been in physical therapy for months and months, you know, to get my smile back in so many words because, um, I was just really struggling with that in addition to, you know, stress and all those jazz, just really spending the past year and a half recalibrating my life and, and making adjustments and really trying to sort of build out my next 10 years to look the way that I think is going to best support first and foremost, my health and my life, but also how I show up for my daughters and show up for my business and show up for my family and honestly, more than anything show up for myself.
So we’ve been talking about that. And I mentioned before that, you know, in episode one, I talked about how I had to get doctors and physical therapists and just really a great health team around me to support me as I was recovering and I’m still in recovery, but I wanted to talk today about one of the members of my team that has been honestly the most consistent, most stable and most necessary member of my team. And I wanted to talk about this honestly, and, um, openly and maybe with a little bit of vulnerability, I don’t know if you can tell, uh, if you’re watching the video of this, you’re, you know, you can see my face. I’m like I’m nervous pants, but if you’re listening to this, uh, it’s not easy to talk about, um, the challenges that you may face with mental health. Oh, this is harder than I thought it would be guys.
Um, but I’m, I’m, I’m excited to have this conversation with you cuz it’s important. It’s scary because when you talk about these things, there’s the fear that our relationship will change that when I show you my humanness that maybe it’ll be off putting and I’ve always tried to be fairly candid and transparent on social media and through emails or honestly, if someone meets me in person just kind of saying, Hey, this is what it is, but when I’m going through some of the harder stuff, whether it’s in my marriage or with my kids or with my, um, with myself, just sort of figuring out who I am and in my business, I do have an inclination to, um, go inward, you know, to kind of power through externally, but kind of keep some of the harder points to myself internally. And I think some of that has to do with the fear that if I were to let those emotions out, that they would take over and I wouldn’t be able to show up and I’m hoping I’m doing a great job explaining this because I feel like some of you may understand what I’m talking about, where, um, you know, the phrasing is often used this called com compartmentalizing, where you basically take your different feelings and you put them into different boxes and you label them and you put them on the shelf and you say, Hey, I’ve got things to do today.
And I will pick up that feeling when that time’s comes. But the truth is we don’t actually end up picking up that feeling at all. We just leave them on the shelf. And if we’re lucky enough, they have labels for some of us. If we’ve grown up in certain environments or certain traumas or had certain parents, they don’t even have labels. And for some of us who are, have dealt with a lot of trauma, difficult toxic relationships or, um, unsupportive of parents or challenging childhoods, uh, not only are there no labels, sometimes there no boxes and those feelings are just spilled everywhere. So I just wanna let you know that, you know, I do that too, you know, and I do that too, not intentionally, but it is one of my, um, protective mechanisms. You know, it’s a lot easier for me not to spill everything out on social media and um, you know, risk one.
It’s, it’s my means of income for my family, you know? And two, uh, it’s embarrassing. That’s the truth of it. Honestly, it’s embarrassing. It’s, it’s not, it doesn’t feel good to have your weakest moments become public conversation. And it doesn’t feel good when you’re already feeling like you’re not doing a good job as a mom, or you’re not doing a good job as a spouse, or you’re not doing a good job as a boss or whatever else to have other people say or affirm or repeat that it just doesn’t feel good. And, um, and a lot of people believe that just because you have a social media present or any type of increased visibility that, well you shared it. So I have a right to comment on it. And I think that a little bit of that is to some extent I get it, you know what I mean?
Like I’m not minimizing like the understanding of that, but it also is. Um, I think we forget that like commenting on it doesn’t necessarily mean negatively <laugh>, you know, or harshly, like you can comment on, on it and you can choose to be helpful or compassionate or grace filled or kind or understanding, or even if you’re going to have criticism doing it with grace or, you know, there’s a way that you can help support people. And so I say this to say that you’ve heard me talk about how I go to therapy before and I support it and I’m learning about boundaries and all that, but I wanna let you know that as I’ve been going through the past couple seasons of transitions in my life, you know, challenges in my marriage, challenging challenges with raising three kids that I adopted challenges with my health therapy has been my biggest support.
So for those of you guys who don’t engage in therapy, I wanna let you know this. I grew up in a background where that was not a thing. So in my household, my parents are from Ghana west Africa. Um, and you know, they’re immigrants as well as, um, you know, we’re black and in the black community, um, you know, for a variety of reasons, you know, both society based, um, you know, systemically based, uh, racially based. Um, in addition to, in some cases financially, in some cases, culturally, uh, therapy is not something that has been heavily advocated or available, um, as a resource, you know, so that’s just a challenge in and of itself. Now, obviously each of those challenges can replicate themselves across any race, right. But within the black community, it’s just sort of one thing on top up or the other. And, um, within my parents, you know, feelings were just not something that were discussed.
Like we don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about, um, you know, challenges because there was almost an understanding that life is difficult and you’re lucky to be here and, um, do your best with what you got, you know? And, um, even though it’s hard, tough enough, we all have problems. And if this sound familiar to any of you, I’m just hoping that you’re hearing that one, that mindset while you’ve managed to grow and thrive, despite it, and you’re still here is not healthy and it doesn’t serve you. And two, I want you to know that someone like me is just like you, and we’re both dealing with those same sort of thought processes around how we should manage how we feel. And I wanna let you know that I’ve learned, you know, through therapy, that, that just isn’t true, that your feelings are valid, even if they’re not correct or applicable, or they aren’t showing up in the right place, but they’re valid.
They’re real feelings. What you feel is a real feeling and you’re allowed to feel it. And then two, if we don’t work on our trauma and some of us say, oh, but I don’t have trauma. Like I had great parents, whatever else, if you grew up poor, you have the trauma of poverty. If you grew up, um, with excess responsibility as a child, that is a form of trauma. If you grew up, you know, with, uh, you know, a household where a, it was absent often, that is a form of trauma. If you grew up and you had to be an adult sooner than you should have been, that’s a format of trauma, you know, trauma, isn’t just physical abuse or emotional abuse or angry words or fighting or divorce or whatever else, all of that is trauma. So I say this to let you know that in the biggest part of therapy is identifying and learning how things that have happened to you inform your present.
It’s not about trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, cuz I I’m broken or I don’t think anything’s wrong with me. It’s not about trying to, um, go in and unpack some unearthed pain and just crying and feeling. It’s not just a bent session. If you’re having a bad day, if you have anything in your childhood that may have been imperfect. Even if the trauma wasn’t from your family, if you were just bullied or you didn’t like your body, or you felt like you didn’t have enough of a support system, whatever, anything that has ever happened to you in your life, in your past, if you don’t unpack and you don’t have awareness of that thing, it can show up in your present. It can show up in your present. So some of you I know right now aren’t going for that new job you aren’t, uh, saying, you know, yes, to that marriage that you know, is, uh, is a good one that you should be in and be more committed to.
Or you’re not saying yes to that divorce because you know, this marriage has expired and it is time for you to move on you. Aren’t saying, um, no to that friend that is overreaching and just won’t respect your boundaries. You are, are working for free. When you know, you should be paid in your freelance job. I mean, there are so many things that you do that you may not even realize could be fixed or at least improved if you engaged in therapy because you don’t realize why you’re doing ’em, you’re thinking, oh, this is just something I need to work on. And unfortunately, cause of social media and because of what I was talking about earlier, these influencers who are giving you quote cards or you know, motivation, things that you can just kind of tap on what’s happening is you’re thinking to yourself, oh, I just need to motivate myself enough to be better.
I just need to, you know, continue to drive myself until I, the issue me. And I’m supposed to figure this out and I gotta tell you, the Bible says, don’t lean on your own understanding, you know? And it’s because your understanding CIS is limited. Okay. It is limited. And that is a point of therapy is that you go in and you get an objective external view on, Hey, if you’re telling me these things happen to you were younger. Is it possible that this thing is connected to this thing? And when those light bulbs start going off, you start realizing, okay, look, I can’t change what happened to me when I was younger. But what I can do is if I feel this feeling I can then say, is this feeling appropriate here today? Or is this feeling possible not appropriate because I’m not a kid anymore.
I’m not in the same situation. So for me, just using myself as an example, cuz you guys know, I like to just, just I’ll keep it real. It’s uncomfortable to talk about, make no mistake. My belly’s doing flips cuz I’m recording this into a void. That’s the scariest thing about for, you know, just keeping it real as friends, whenever you’re recording podcasts, whenever you’re talking, you know, you guys Aren front of me. So I’m basically putting this out here and hoping that it’s helpful and hoping that it’s well received. So, um, so it’s a little scary <laugh> but all that being said, you know, in my personal example, I get so scared about new opportunities. So scared. I will literally pray for something, a certain opportunity to hit my in my box. And then when I get that email saying like, Hey yeah, we’d like to proceed.
Can you just send us this, this and this y’all I, I will let that thing sit in my inbox. I literally have to get, I have an assistant just so I can forward it. So the thing will keep moving cuz I’m almost so scared to say yes to the very thing that I approved, uh, that let me start over. I’m so scared to say yes to the very thing that I, I prayed for. And I know for some of you, you’re some of you who don’t share my trauma, who don’t have my background, you’re like, that’s crazy. It’s already there. Just say yes, but that’s my trauma. My trauma manifests anxiety that comes from the fact that when I was younger, I was always scared that a full fridge was just gonna end up empty or that if I had an opportunity that it was going to get yanked out from under me, I just grew up in a background where as much as I had a prayerful mother and much as God showed up time and time again to keep me safe and covered and fed and you know, well rounded.
I just consistently always worried about allowing myself to believe and have hope because hope didn’t always pay out when you’re poor. Sometimes you hope for a Christmas and there is nothing under that tree. And that fear of that disappointment allowed me to constantly question the goodness that would show up to this day to this day. And if it wasn’t for therapy, I can’t tell you how many opportunities I wouldn’t have said yes to, or I would’ve let expire in my inbox or text messages. I wouldn’t have answered. And if any of this is resonating with you, I just want you to use this as an example, there are things in your present because I’m not in the same situation. Listen, I am so grateful and abundantly blessed that every Christmas I know there’s gonna be gifts. Thank you God. You know, and I’m abundantly blessed in knowing that if work hard and the opportunity shows up in my inbox, it as good as one, I just need to slam dunk that bad boy.
Right. But you better believe it doesn’t change the fact that it, it sits there for a couple hours and I start writing an email back like, Hey, sorry, I didn’t get back to this sooner. You know, with a little bit of anxiety just because I’m, I’m scared, you know, and I’m working constantly in therapy to understand that look, you’ve, you’ve made it past those points. You’re not living in that same world and you don’t need to inform your present day behaviors, you know, with your past pain. And I just wanna let all of you know that if therapy is something that you’ve been on the fence about, and you’re not sure about, or you’ve crossed off because you’re like, well, I can’t of, for her, I don’t have the time. Here’s where I answer those questions cuz I know some of you’re like, all right, Nicole, I’m sold, but it’s expensive or all right, Nicole, you know, everyone says therapy is such a good idea, but what about this?
Well, first and foremost, I wanna let you know that there are a ton of resources out there. One of them is Openpathcollective.org, we’ll have it in the show notes. And they’re an organization that can partner you with a therapist on a sliding scale. Sliding scale means that you actually will pay according to what you can afford. So that means you can get one hour sessions for as little as $30, you know, and I know $30 listen. And when I say as little as I grew up with nothing, I slept on a, until I was 12. I know $30 can be grocery, lunch and gas. So I it’s not lost on me, but I also wanna let you know that you’re not gonna make it to work. You’re not going to get that marriage. And you’re not going to be able to pay for those groceries if your mental health is not well.
So therapy is also an investment in your future. So if you’re considering, if it’s something you can afford, I want you to keep that in mind as well. There’s also talking to your local therapist, you know, going through, uh, I’m showing my age right now, the phone book. Well the internet phone book. Okay. <laugh> finding a therapist locally picking up the phone and calling ’em and saying, are you accepting new patients? You know, uh, possibly pro bono status. I’ve got some things I like to work through, and this is a big moment for me. And I’d really like some help if you’d be able to help me. Um, therapists are some of the most compassionate giving and um, generous people in this world they’re really doing God’s work. And, uh, there’s a huge opportunity for you there to be able to, to get help because they want to help.
And, uh, one thing I’ve also learned is even if that therapist isn’t able to take you on, sometimes they can point you in the right direction of someone who can. So, uh, I definitely 100 percent would love for you to just start the work before you say no. Um, and there’s a little lesson in that too. So many of us say no to something before we even have given it a shot at a yes. So if you find your mind already saying no, no, no, no, no. I won’t even look into this for this million reasons that’s called being defensive. And it usually means that there may be something to it. And one of the greatest things you can do would be just to find out if your no is justified by reaching out and seeing if you can get some help. So I wanna let you know that not only am I a big advocate for therapy, not only am I, um, hugely in support for therapy, but I’ve just been so blown away by what therapy has done, not just for me, but for my family, for my kids, uh, for my business.
Um, you can ask any of my friends around me. Um, even my, you know, uh, Josh, you know, you can ask him and he’ll tell you that, um, you know, I’m different than I was five years ago, eight years ago, 10 years ago, I have more peace. I have more patience. I, um, I have less anxiety and all of that is from therapy. All of that is from, um, you know, learning to not answer from a place of my trauma, from a place of my hurt in the way that I show up in the world. And, um, and it’s really, really transformed me as a mother, as a friend, as a business owner and as a woman in general. So, um, I really, really, really just wanted to share that with all of you, you know, because I get so many questions in the DMs and things to search where you guys are.
Like, I like, you know, I’ve got this problem or I’ve got this problem, or I’m confused about this, or I’m not sure about this. And while therapy, isn’t the end all be all in all the answers. Life is difficult. Life is the meeting and solving of problems. You will continuously have to face things, but if you have therapy, you can just get to your answer a little bit quicker with a little less pain and a little less. And I gotta tell you in this crazy world, couldn’t we all use a little more breathing room. You deserve it, friend. I say it all the time. You are deserving. You are, you deserve ease. You deserve peace. You deserve joy. You deserve a life that is satisfying and fulfilling. You deserve to do meaningful work, but you’ve gotta start that process and you don’t have to do it alone. So if you’re looking into therapy, if you’re are thinking about therapy, this is your sign.
I love chatting with you guys week after week with stuff like this. So the one thing I wanted to leave you off on our one final note, you know, cuz we’re all a hot mess express. So I wanna close out with this.
If there’s nothing else you take from me for this entire chat, if there’s nothing else you picked up from our interviews, from our calls, from anything that we have today, this is the one thing I want you to know. Your pastor is not your therapist. Your spouse is not your therapist. Your friend is not your therapist. Your Instagram feed is not your therapist, your business coach, your spiritual guide, your motivational expert. These people are not a replacement for a proper clinician who is trained to identify. If the issue that you’re dealing with is something ongoing. If it’s something medical or if it’s something that has bigger impact beyond the moment that you’re in, you deserve to spoil yourself with great therapy. So friend, go get you some.
In this episode, I share:
- My thoughts on if you should quit your 9-5 now or later to pursue my passion,
- If it’s too late if you and your partner are considering a divorce,
- Why your friend isn’t your therapist, and
- The ups and downs of my mental health and what I do about it
Resources and links mentioned in this episode:
- Get great, affordable therapy through Open Path Collective
- Connect with me on Facebook and Instagram!
- To send me a voice message that could be used on the show, click here!
- Don’t miss Episode 1 of Season 3, HERE!
- If you love our chats like I do, I’d so appreciate a review for the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!
More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:
If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.
As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.
When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.
Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.