As a matter of fact, I was having a conversation with my, my current fella. And he asked me because there’ll be moments where I will be laughing at old videos or sharing with the kiddos, you know, something funny they did when they were a kid over one Christmas. And you know, we were kind of at the end of the night having one of our sort of connects, you know, where we kind of sit down and go over the day and ask how each other’s doing and seeing what each other needs. And he asked me, he was like, you know, I noticed that you have this smile on your face when you’re watching some of these videos, you know, in your old home or, you know, with your you know, with your wasband, and you know, just Are you alright? Do you miss it? Do you miss it sometimes? And we have a very open partnership. So I didn’t lie to him. I told him yes. You know, even when I’m scrolling through social, you know, and I see, you know, some of y’all commenting like, gosh, I just you know, I missed the old family stuff where I miss, you know, what it used to be like, and I miss it too. I do. I look at it fondly. And there is so much about it, that is a positive thing. Even now, I don’t know if you can hear to my voice, but I smile about it because I had fun. There was fun there for sure. But when I think about it, and this is what I told him, you know, what I don’t miss is that in every single moment, I always wondered what would it be like to be in this moment 100%? That I always felt myself showing up to all these moments, maybe like 80% 90% joy. Showing up and feeling like, gosh, you know, all this stuff is good and great. But what if my partner was equally happy? Because I knew, you know, I knew partly because he told me, I also knew partly because you can feel when someone’s not all the way in it. You know, and I just knew in these moments, you know that the life that I was living was, gosh, 70% joyful. And I just couldn’t shake that. What would it look like if I had if I could even have a life that was 80% happy, 90% Happy, like what would it look like to be with someone and end with a moment and in it 100%.

And here’s the kicker, y’all. What I didn’t realize, then that I realized now is if you’re going to have moments in your life where you’re in it 100% happy, you’re also going to have to live a life of truth where you’re in and you’re 100% sad. If you’re going to feel you’re going to feel completely on both sides, the highs and the lows. So I do miss what I thought my life used to be. I get this question a lot. Don’t you miss it? I do. But the reality is so much better than the fantasy, even if it does come with a heaping dose of hard days and hard pain. It’s kind of like that scene and if you’ve ever seen The Matrix where it’s all about, you know how and if you haven’t seen it, you know, essentially the main character is told that life is basically a simulation. It’s not real, it’s kind of like one big video game and on one side they can choose to remain in the video game. You know where they’re living this life that sort of seems real and you know is but it’s all being manufactured by outside sources. So you’re not in control of anything, you’re just living this life that seems real or they can choose to see the reality of life, which they guarantee will be painful and they guarantee will be difficult and they guarantee will have hardships but it’s Real. And with that realness it also means that when there is joy, you’re gonna feel it at 100%. And the main character without, you know, spoiling it for you does make a choice. But I want to let you know that it’s very much what it feels like to go through divorce, there’s nothing like realizing that staying in your partnership is hard and leaving your partnership is going to be hard. But which hard do you choose?

And what has been hard, recently, you know, is, whenever I get a trigger, a trigger can be anything for me, it can be anything from my kid getting sick, you know, which is going to happen, right? It’s cold and flu season, your kids gonna end up getting a cold or something weird like that, or money, right? You know, I support multiple households, I’m the breadwinner, I’ve always been the breadwinner for my household. You know, so I’m the breadwinner for my whole family. You know, and I work really, really hard. And so, you know, doing all of that. Plus, you know, a divorce is like a third job y’all like, as if I don’t already have like five or six, I run multiple companies, and I’m an investor and all those things. But it’s like another job because you are responding with paperwork, you’re negotiating, it really is much like closing a business, you know, so you’ve got this other thing that requires 100% of your attention. So you’ve got parenting that needs you 100%, you’ve got this job that needs you 100%, you’ve got your companies that need you, you have you know, I of course, had to go and fall in love, like a full. I’m getting I’m so grateful. But you know, that requires my attention. Because it’s something that I want to nurture, that’s so special to me. And then there’s your own health and well being you guys know that I’ve had some health struggles, so I can’t neglect that either. And when I tell you when your kid comes up sick, you’re like, ah, you know, I do not need one more thing. You know, like, and you feel bad, because your baby doesn’t feel well either. So it’s like just a bunch of different things. But then there’s money stuff, you know, where you’re like, how am I going? I’m spread so thin, I got to do all these things. And, you know, I can’t have one more weird thing come up, you know, and mind you, any of Mama’s of teenagers, anyone who’s a 20 year old and yourself, you know, your car breaks down. It’s one more thing your you know, teenager does something dumb. That’s one more thing, you know, so you worry about that. And I gotta tell you my triggers right now. Anything that comes up, I’m like, I don’t have capacity for one more thing.

And it puts me in a place where I’m just kind of like, Am I doing everything wrong? What have I done? Am I making a mistake? I feel like it wasn’t like this before. What type of like, I cannot believe that I am the only like, I’m the only parent I’m the only one. I’m the only only only like, everything seems to be me and only me. And when I tell you, as and I know, some of y’all are hearing me right now saying like, Yes, girl, the weight is on my shoulders. There’s no one else I’m looking left. And I’m looking right saying, who’s here to catch me, right? Like who’s here to help me? Because when the kids get sick, y’all, they’re coming to you. You know what I mean? And it’s not that it’s not that, you know, Dad’s not trying, right, you know, in your situations, you know, but you’re the primary. That’s how it goes. And I want to reference that to remind you that I had to remind myself in these low moments to get out of them, that there isn’t some magical point where it wasn’t going to be hard. There wasn’t a magical point where healing has thus concluded congratulations, here’s your trophy and your 7/11 Slurpee, you have won, move forth. That’s not how that works. It’s that you kind of heal from one thing: it gets you good and strong. And you move on to the next thing. And I’ve had some really dark days. I mean, just being completely honest, I have had some days where it’s like, I want to walk out the front door and not look back. And I say all of this, loving my children and loving my partner and truly being happy and joyful in my life that I’m in now but I’ve had some days where it has been heavy to hold the way that I describe it as this and I think it’ll resonate with a lot of you.

Sometimes it feels like divorce is like you’re treading water. You can see the shore, you are so close to it, it feels like you almost could reach it like the water is not that deep. But you’re treading water. And whether it’s your wasband or financial state or anything from your past feels like a weight as you’re treading this water and that just tires you out even more. And you’re saying to yourself, gosh, like, at times it feels like it would almost be relieving to give into this weight and just let it take you under but you keep treading water because that’s you you’re a natural fighter not going to let it through and you know, you can see short in sight so it’s inspiring. You can see relief on the horizon. And if you’re blessed, like I definitely am, you have so many people around you. You are never alone. If you’re really blessed, you’ve got friends, you’ve got therapists, you’ve got your church, you’ve got faith and if you don’t have these things

listened to, I think two or three episodes ago I talk about what you need to get through. And those are some of the things church faith a therapist friends, I mean, family You just need people don’t need a lot of them. But you need life preservers around you so that when you’re treading and you need a moment, they can coach you, maybe they can help you. Sometimes they can hold you, not forever, but they can support you. So you can get a couple of breaths so you can keep going.

And in those moments of treading water to stay afloat, it can feel like you’re going to drown any minute. Friend, you may be in that moment, right now, I know I’ve been in and out of it over the past two, three months. But what I want to also let you know is that even if you are feeling those moments, I want you to know that the time will come, no matter what, no matter how long it takes, whether it is three months, or six months, three years, or six years, where that weight is going to be cut off, and you will be able to make it to shore. And even better friend, what you may not realize now in this moment, is that as you’re treading water, and treading water with weights, you are getting stronger. So at times where I get so frustrated, because I’m like, gosh, I feel like this process is unnecessarily difficult for me. No one’s helping me with my kids. No one’s helping me with the bills. I am a full, entirely independent adult, showing up in this world and being entirely responsible and stepping in and doing responsibilities where others are not. And how could that be? Right? How could this be? How could this be happening? Right? What have I done wrong, that I’m in this space, I instead try to remind myself that in these moments, I’m getting stronger. I’m getting better. And frankly, in some ways, friend, if you really look back at it, is it really that different than it used to be? Haven’t you always been the point person? Have you always been the strong one?

Now, don’t take any of that to mean that you don’t have a right to softness in your life, you do have a right to a break. And you do have a right to feel ease. And you do have a right to feel comfort and supported and loved. But if this is the card that you’ve been dealt, if this is the season that you’re in, I want you to recognize that all this weight you’ve been lifting means that you are going to get to shore, the promised land, the relief better and stronger and faster than ever. You just have to wait it out until those weights break free. And I promise you they will. And during that process while you’re waiting, every time something comes anew, that feels like a gut punch that feels like oh my goodness, I thought things were just getting better, y’all. As you know, like, I’ve got the little one full time. And school makes no sense. You start at 7:30 and then you pick up your kid at like two o’clock. And then like on Tuesdays they have like half days. Are they even in school? Let’s be honest, what are they even doing? It takes me 45 minutes to get my kid to settle down to even start their homework. So I know good. And well, they’re probably only getting about 90 minutes of instruction and an average day. Right? So what is even happy if y’all aren’t going to keep them, just tell me to not even bring them to school. That’s how this feels right. And God bless the teachers, because I do not know how you’re doing anything in that schedule and that structure, but that’s a conversation for another day.

What I do want to say though, is that I felt like I was dropping her off. Because I don’t have a nanny, I don’t have, you know, a full team, you know, supporting me in this season, I’ve elected to really be hands on with my children, because there have been so many transitions, that for right now, being present and being mom and being hands on is super important to me and for my child, I recognize that for others that may not be the case so that is not passing judgment, it’s just speaking to my specific situation. So being hands on, and lavishing love and attention on my little, is one where it means that I am dropped her off and picking her up and y’all I dropped her off. And by the time I get home and kind of get my life together, I’m trying to pick her up again. And I finally was like I found out that we had an after school program, you know, that would be able to assist me with that because you can’t hire a nanny for a couple hours a day. Like, it’s just really hard to find people aren’t really interested in that you can’t really build the type of relationship you want, you know, so I was like, Okay, I’m gonna sign up for this program.

So if y’all don’t know this exists, they have after school programs, ask your school, I’m not gonna lie to you I’m in a very privileged position where I’m able to afford something like that not everyone can, you know, I’ve I adjusted the budget so I can make room for that, you know, so I can cover that. You know those expenses. But if you can figure out a way or if you have a partner who can assist you with that or is willing to assist you with that definitely look into it because what happens is now it gives me enough five o’clock every day. So that was something I did for myself so that I could pace my day better. But friends, I thought I finally had it made. I was like, I got these extra hours back, I can finally get work. We tried this for an entire week and the kids doing great. She’s coming back with her homework done. She’s getting tutoring help, because of my house. We carry the one. They’re not teaching the kids carry the one anymore. So I’m over here like, yeah, she’s gonna make it. We got our routine, we are doing it. The kid gets sick, comes down with the flu. You know, that’s how that goes. And now the routine has all come boggled and messed up. And I’m like, we were following a thing. We were on a high and now we’re on a low. Can I get 10 days of consistent, less crazy, right?

That’s real life, the highs and the lows. And I want to let you know that I’m not even kidding. When I heard that first sneeze cough and I gave, I was like, I don’t know what’s going on lay down. And then I gave her the thermometer and it came back with a fever. I did all the moms things, kept myself composed, took care of her all those good things. And then I went upstairs and I just cried, I came on done. I’m done. Nothing makes me fall apart more than my baby’s not being well. And I came in done. And I realized that it was because I felt like aren’t we healing? Are we making progress? Didn’t we move forward? Why Why? Why? Am I back here again, solving another problem. Dealing with a kid who’s not going to be in school for three days, trying to adjust all my meetings and stuff around it? Will I ever get ahead? And I was getting into this woe is me cycle because I just could not believe that my healing wasn’t linear towards good. Why wasn’t I continuously growing and doubling my numbers and doing better and progressing and losing weight and not plateauing and all the things that we always say about transformation, we feel like it’s a constant path and step forward towards improvement, while friend, the way that it looks when you’re losing weight is you have a before and an after, and then you have some before again, and then you have an after then you have before again, and then you’re before sticks around for a little while, then you enjoy a little bit more of after, and then you have a bigger after, look, it’s not linear.

So what you need to get great at is what we’ve been talking about all season, starting over, recognizing that starting over isn’t always going to be marked by some major loss or some major move. What I want you to know today is because healing isn’t linear, starting over is going to happen in a miniature small way. All along the bigger process of starting over plot twist. So I’m in a whole new life. And I’m figuring out whole new systems, I’ve got whole new people and whole new friends. I’m building and deepening relationships with people that I have had in my life, because they’re reintroducing themselves to a version of me, that’s happier than they seen in many, many years. I mean, things are so different now.

But within that, as I’m learning new formulas and new patterns, learning to drive around new neighborhoods and trying new foods, I’m learning to start over in a whole new way. So friend, what I’ve started doing is whenever these moments happen, the number one thing I focus on, is getting present. Because it’s so easy in those moments to immediately jump to the past or the future. And in the past, there’s what would have this been like in my previous life. The truth is, I’d still be taking care of the baby, I’d still be the person that she’d be looking to I’d still be responsible for making sure she’s okay and figuring out her regimen and managing all the things. But you know, oh gosh, I’d be doing it in a different home or, you know, I’d be able to, you know, frankly, that’s I mean, it’d be the same. But that’s part of why you know, not going in the past is really because we glorify and glamorize what we thought it used to be. Right?

So there’s the past and then there’s the future Oh, no, but what does this mean? Well, I will she be okay, what will happen? Will she never be able to hit school? Will she keep getting sick? You know, it’s all this anxiety but the truth is in the present, well, she’s sick, you’re managing it, you’re doing a great job, she’s gonna get better. There’s signs of improvement. You are healthy yourself, you have the means to take care of it. You have the ability and the tools to be able to handle and help it today. She trusts you enough to be honest about how she feels she’s loved and supported and you are caring for her the way she deserves to be cared for. She’s in a position where even though she’s not feeling great. She is receiving the love and attention that she deserves to heal, and that’s going to help her for a lifetime. And when you get present, friend, when you get present, you realize how much you have.

Our tendency and whenever we are healing, or we get caught in the past or in the future is to focus on where we lack. But in the present, you lack nothing. Because you are doing such a good job handling what is in front of you and you are friend, you are, you realize that you like nothing, everything you need is there and you are using it, and you’re doing the best you can to handle the moment the best you can. And that is enough, you are enough. So, while it can feel so frustrating, and challenging, and disappointing, to have to experience the lows, as you’re working so hard to sustain the highs, I want you to know that we’re not any different. There isn’t some place or some person or some other reality where it would be better. Or it would be easier, or you’d have more answers. That just isn’t because you are the best person to tackle what you’re facing every single day. And you’re the best person and the evidence of that is the way that you’re dealing with it and the way that you’re showing up, you’re doing a great job. And this is what I’ve had to remind myself, every time I start getting into the pit of it all.

It’s that, look, Nicole, this is the hand that you’ve been dealt, and you are showing up and you are still here. And the evidence of doing well. And all of that is how the people around you are still thriving, and how you’re thriving, and how you’ve managed to have joy and you’re not fixated on what other people have or don’t have or what other people have done or what they haven’t done or what other people will do or won’t do. You’re fixated on loving well and smiling in the moment and assuring your own health and the health of those around you. And that says a lot about who you are and how you show up.

So friend, I am so proud of you for always getting back up again. Whenever you’re in that valley and chasing the feeling of what it’s like to be on the mountaintop. And more than anything, I am so proud of you because even though healing isn’t a straight line, you keep showing up. Keep after a friend.