All That Glitters

If there is one thing I’ve learned from living through a pandemic it’s that just because it glitters, doesn’t mean it’s gold. Yep, I’ve got work to do on myself and in my marriage. In this episode I’m sharing what I realized I needed to work on and what I did about it.

Friend, there’s an answer and a solution to everything. And we can do hard things! What have you learned anything about your marriage or close relationships over the past year? Let me know on Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter – I’m @NicoleWalters everywhere!

Thanks for spending time with me today. I love chatting with you each week!

(00:00):
Hey friend, you’re listening to The Nicole Walters Podcast. I’m a former six-figure corporate executive who woke up every morning feeling stuck in the life that I built for myself but using my corporate skills I took to the Internet and built a multi-seven-figure business, showing others how they can build a life they love. Now on this podcast, I share stories of being an entrepreneur, a mom to my three amazing girls and a wife to my crazy, cooky dancing Hubbin. I’ve had a couple of viral videos too. So you know there’s going to be a lot of laughs here. So whether you’ve seen me on my viral vids or on the Today Show or read about me in Forbes, this is the place where we can meet, share stories, share laughs, and share fun. I’m your best friend in your head. So sit back, listen close, and let’s get started.

(00:50):
Hey friend, what a year this week has been. I am wondering when it’s finally going to ease up. It’s very clear that even though we can cross a new milestone of a new year, that the work can keep on coming, I’m still tired, but I’m glad that we have this time here today to chat and I’m just going to get right into it. Like I said on our last chat, it’s been crazy being locked in with the family for a year. Now you already know I’m used to being on the road. And I actually had to admit and learn something about myself, as much as I love my family, and as much as I love being home and cooking and creating those memories, I’m the type of mom that does a little better if I get some alone space. And I know that may be hard to say out loud, especially if you’re thinking, yeah, me too, but it’s true.

(01:41):
And I know it’s not a popular opinion to say that you’re a mom that sometimes wants to be away from your kids and your husband, but it’s true. Whether it’s locking myself in the closet for a few minutes or sitting in the car outside of target and watching a show, I just need that space, that space to be nobody’s anything. And this pandemic did not give me that. And where I saw the most was in my marriage. Parenting is tough stuff, but I chose it. You know we adopted our three girls a couple of years ago and I’ve just been leaning in and making mistakes as I go. And I almost feel like because I’m a newish mom that I grant myself a little bit more grace when I make mistakes, because heck I’m new to this, right? But I’ve been doing this married thing for a while now, almost 11 years.

(02:35):
And I don’t know about you, but friend, it’s not easy. I don’t talk about my marriage very often, very loudly. And the reason why is because I don’t ever want to be anyone’s example of #relationshipgoals. It is so much pressure. And of course, I also don’t want my marriage to be public conversation, but I also recognize that as friends and as people who check in with each other, I know you’re probably going through some stuff too. And I don’t mean that, you know, you’re having big, huge issues and maybe you are, but I just mean that there are ups and downs. That this pandemic hasn’t been easy, that you’re discovering and learning new things about your partner and the person that you live with and probably yourself. And I just want to let you know that you’re not alone in that. Me too. There are things that I’ve swept under the rug for years.

(03:34):
Things that I never realized were actual issues for me, things that dated back to me being a kid. And if it wasn’t for this pandemic, it would have been a lot easier to just run, hop on a flight and ignore them and come back when it was all better, but I’ve had the time to handle them. And I want to talk to you about what it looks like. So you may or may not know this, but me and the hubbin come from really different backgrounds. I grew up the child of immigrants in Washington, DC. My parents didn’t have much. They met each other here in the States. My mom was pretty young. She met my dad when she was in her twenties, early. And my dad was a little older than her. I think he was maybe 10 years older or so. And my mom was young and in love and excited.

(04:22):
And my dad, you know, a little bit more mature, kind of knew he was getting into, but my mom’s hot. She’s a gorgeous one. So I totally understand why he was like, I’m going to lock this down and marry her fast. And they did get married. And they had me a few years later. And I’m going to be honest with you, I didn’t grow up in a household where I saw conventional displays of love. There weren’t a lot of hugs. There weren’t a lot of kisses there. Weren’t a lot of I love you’s and there wasn’t a lot of affection. There was a lot of obligation, a lot of duty, a lot of loyalty. And I say all this to say that I think that all of those things can be versions of love, but I’ve also learned that love is all of those things.

(05:07):
Not some, not one, not most. All. And that’s one of the things that I realized was occurring in my own marriage. I naturally default to duty, obligation, loyalty, responsibility, checklist things. The way that I choose to love is to care for people, by making sure that all their needs are met. And I like to have fun and I like to laugh, but when it comes down to the romantic mushy gushy, you know, hugging, kissing thing, it’s not my nature. I actually have to be intentional in making sure that I am affectionate. Well, all of that would have been good and great if I married someone who was just like me. But friend, look at your partner, you know, good and well, we never do that.

(05:59):
God gives us what we need and not what we want. Am I right? And I’m so grateful about it because I’m learning all the things that I needed to have my whole life. And I’m so grateful that it’s pushing me because it also helps me become the mom that I want to be too. And I married a hugger. I married the child of a Jewish mother, affectionate, emotional, lots of therapy. He grew up in a background where they are extremely lovey and, uh, are very into displays of that affection, traditional ones. And what’s interesting is it’s natural for me when I travel a lot, when I come home and I’ll be like, Oh, Hey hubby. And, and have a little bit more of that fire. But when I’m seeing you day in and day out, and the number one question is, so are we showering today?

(06:49):
Haha, are we getting out of sweats? What do you want to order from UberEats? When that becomes a conversation, you’ve got to get really intentional about what it’s going to look like in the future. So here’s what happened. We started arguing a lot. And when I say we started arguing, I mean, it was about stupid things. Like what are we going to watch for TV? And are you coming to the office to work today? Or I remember at one point waking up in the bedroom, I’m a sleeper-inner. He’s an early riser. So I’m in the bedroom and he came in and turned off the white noise machine and was like, Hey baby. And I was like, I’m still doing my alone time. Haha!

(07:33):
And I gotta tell you, I don’t know if it’s just because of the pandemic, but it felt, right? Felt, doesn’t mean it was a fact, but it felt like he was encroaching on my personal space. Right. And it’s the silliest thing. Now when I look back on it, but at the time I realized that I really needed to work on one, my communication around my emotions, my personal space and my boundaries, and two making sure that I’m granting grace when we’re going through a difficult time. Now I know that’s loaded. Right. But friend, I’m telling you if you’ve been struggling with this, if you’ve been saying, man, it feels like everything about my partner is just, why do you cough like that? Even if it’s not irritating you, you’re noticing it. Right. Do you always choose that loud? I mean, why do you chew that loud though?

(08:24):
Is it good? Is it a good meal though? That’s my question. Is it good? Haha! There’s nothing like spending 24/7 in a small space around someone to realize, Oh my gosh, wow, showers should not be elective. Right? And it just brings up whole new things. You, you learn, man, how do I communicate when I have boundaries or I need space? How do I communicate in a way to make sure that I’m considerate of the fact that my partner, you know, may want connection at a time that I’m not seeking connection or may need their own space or maybe offended or hurt or emotionally triggered when I ask for boundaries, I mean, they’re just loaded. And so I say all of this to say that I read a book because one of the things that I always want to remind you, friend, that I’ve had to learn is that there’s always an answer out there.

(09:14):

It’s just about whether or not you have the willingness and enthusiasm to seek it and you can solve any problem. You are so capable, especially if you are a mom, if you are a woman, if you are a minority, if you are someone who has survived this pandemic, you are capable of using your tools and resources to solve problems. And so I say that to say to you, I got a book and the book is called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. I know some of you guys are like, I didn’t write that down, Nicole, say it again. I get you friend. I know how you are. I’m going to say it one more time. You won’t forget, Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. And this book is a game changer. I realized that a lot of the reason why I struggled with communicating the space that I needed, especially as I learned and discovered that about myself during this time at home, was that I realized it made me sad.

(10:11):
I felt bad. And I felt like I was being mean if I asserted my boundaries and that’s just my personal response. So it’s for some of us it’s that we don’t even know what a boundary is. We aren’t aware that we have agency or our own right to be able to say, “Look, this is something that I need in order to be my best self. And I’d like your help in creating it. And if I can’t get your help in creating it, I’m still going to create it for myself because it’s a need that I must have.” And I tell you, depending on the home that you grew up in, this may be something that’s regularly affirmed and never an issue for you. But if you grew up in a home where it seems like people were always asking a lot of you and expecting it to just show up or always having a moving goal post, if you accomplish one thing, they’re pushing the goalpost further and expecting you to do this and not in a healthy way, but in a, “it’s never good enough” type of way, where if you live in a community or around a bunch of other moms who seem like they’re always reaching for the distance, but wanting to know what’s going on with you and comparisonitis is what’s going on.

(11:17):
I got to tell you, you may need to work on your boundaries and boundaries are something that when you really start working on them, you find that you don’t just need them with your mate, you need them with your kids. They’ve got to know what’s okay and what’s not okay. What does mom need to be our best mom? And what doesn’t she? And you also need boundaries with yourself. I had to say to myself, how much is really a reasonable amount for Amazon packages to come to my house?

(11:49):
How many times do I really need to go to the fridge to get ice cream? In one day I had to set healthy boundaries. But boundaries also look like me saying, “Look in 2021, for my business, I’m leaving the office by 3:00 PM on Fridays” Without question, I cannot work every single day for 12 to 15 hours and not take a chance to leave a little early one day of the week to catch my kiddos. I’m telling you boundaries can change your life. And if you found yourself during this pandemic, looking at your partner with a side stink-eye or saying to yourself, “I just really need space from all of this.” The answer may not be that you need to exchange for a new family. It may mean that you need to do a little inside work on setting up healthy limits so that that way your family respects who you are and what you are to them.

(12:46):
And that you can grow closer than ever. Friend, I’m so glad that we’re able to have these honest talks here. I’m so thankful that you give me the space to be able to share my ugly inner bits and things that are little imperfect with you as that you know, that everything that you see online, it may glitter, but it’s not all gold. I love my husband. And he’s a great, hilarious, (don’t tell him I told you that, haha) guy and we are so blessed to have the marriage and family that we have, but day in and day out, it’s hard work. And without a doubt, I’m proud to say that I’m committed to doing that work. And so every single day that we continue to show up online, it’s a day that we are choosing to be together and we’ll keep doing that for as long as we are willing to do the work.

(13:35):
And I just want to let you know that friend to friend, I’m proud of you for leaning in and doing the work with your partner, with your family and with yourself. Now, next week, we are going to talk about something a little bit tougher. I didn’t jump in and make it my, our first chat of the year because, um, it’s hard for me. Being a mom is the thing that I’m probably the most insecure about. And I know that I have my good days. And I know that I have my weaker days and I know that I’ve had great moments. And I know that I’ve missed the mark big time. So next week, we’re going to talk about parenting older kids. We’re going to talk about the BigTiny, my sweet, sweet girl, 21, and trying me every moment. I love her to pieces and we’re going to dive deep. I can’t wait to chat with you about it. Have a great day friend.

(14:37):
Thanks so much for listening friend. If you enjoyed this podcast, head over to Nicole walters.com. I’d love for us to stay in touch. So make sure you drop your email address so I can send you inspiration business details and the occasional funny story. And because I’m so generous, there might even be a selfie in the mix. Thanks again, and make sure you subscribe and come back soon.

In this episode, I cover:

What I realized I needed to work on for myself and my marriage,
How I dealt with certain issues before the pandemic and what I’m doing about them now,
The game-changing book I read, and
Why I believe the hard work is essential and worth it

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

Get my book rec – Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud HERE
Join the RichFriend email list by going to NicoleWalters.com and adding your email address!
Write a review for the show on Apple here!

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

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Nicole Walters is a wife, mom, income strategist, entrepreneur, and the founder of The Monetized Life™. Join Nicole each week for a new episode packed with what you need to know to gain clarity, grow your network and monetize your life using the proven corporate strategies she mastered in 10 years as a Fortune 500 executive.

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