Make Good Choices

If there is one thing I’ve noticed in the last few months it’s that I’m just not the same me that I was pre-2020. Are any of us?!

Friend, in this episode we’re chatting about how everything has shifted and why it’s okay if we aren’t performing in the same way we once were. It’s okay if who we are now, isn’t our “best self.” We have a choices to make though and in this episode we talk about how to make good choices. Before we dive into that though, I answer a question about whether personal development is at odds with our faith or beliefs. You won’t want to miss this lesson because it can be applied to sooo much!

Head over to Instagram and let me know how this episode resonated with you! Send me a DM or share your thoughts on stories and tag me @NicoleWalters. You can also record a voice message for the show HERE! 

Thanks for listening!

Nicole: Hello everyone. I am so excited to be back again this week with another chat. And what’s been awesome about our time that we’ve been spending week after week is we are not only growing together, but man, are we laughing together? I have loved hearing from you on Instagram and some of you are tweeting me and I’ve gotten emails and you’ve had the best things to say about our conversations and what I love.

Every single one of you has mentioned that your favorite thing is that week after week, you know that whenever you come here, it’s going to be something valuable. So sometimes we’re talking about things that have to do with our personal growth or about our families, or I’m over here sharing how I made a hot mess of something.

And you’re like, I’m really glad I’m dodging that ball. But I also like that, you know, we’re, we’re still laughing and we’re still keeping it light. And we’re still acknowledging that life is complicated. Difficult, but man, is it generous? And we’re just trying to build these grace-filled conversations to help us get through and do it together.

So I’m excited. You’re back. I will always be here because we are just having a blast together and don’t forget that if you want to give me feedback on anything we chat about here, you can find me on Instagram and all around social media at Nicole Walters.

And it’s a great place to just obviously make this a two way conversation with me, you think, uh, but you also can leave me your Q and a questions. I mean, I, the way you guys slide into my DMs on some Nicole. I’m about to fire this friend or Nicole, my business is driving me crazy. Or Nicole honestly did, was I team too much on this issue with my kid or is my teenager actually nuts?

Either way. I love hashing these things through with you because. Once you give me some insight, you make me think about new things in different ways. And to, you know, if there is something out there I have probably been through it. My life has Ca-razy, so I’m happy to lend whatever I’ve been through to help you get through your stuff.

So definitely send those to me and know that the details are on the link in my Instagram for you to send me a recorded message, or you can just slide into my DMS and we’ll chat about it at the beginning.

Now this week, our Q&A. And it’s a good one because if you’ve been following my Instagram stories, you know that I was talking recently about how I am working on my perspective on life. And the perspective part really has to do with knowing that life is difficult and it is complicated and it’s generous and good, but it is just going to be throwing you curveballs. And so what I’ve been working on is sort of, how am I responding to this and how has it impacting my productivity and how I show up in the world, et cetera, et cetera.

So we’ve been having these conversations on Instagram, and I got a message. And I have this question, and this is the question that we’re going to talk about today. Just like our “Slide into my DMs” question because it’s such a good one. Now the question was Nicole, I feel so uncomfortable reading personal development and self-help books. And the reason I feel uncomfortable is because I call myself a Christian and it feels like some of this advice just doesn’t align with my faith. I just don’t know how to balance out personal development, the things I’m seeing online and reading and books, and my faith. How can I feel like I’m not cheating on Jesus? Now y’all honestly, this is a great question.

And for those of you guys out there who are not faith-based, you know, people, I just want to let you know, everybody’s always welcome here. I say this all the time, because it is the truth of true things. Even though I am a Christian, even though I am a believer, I want you to know. Without a doubt. You are absolutely welcome here because that is the truth, right?

Like that’s what it is to be a good Christian it’s really is to accept everyone and to be tolerant. And to know that there is space for you and your beliefs and that you can be loved just as you are. So you are welcome here, but I also want you to know that no matter what your spiritual or religious belief system is, personal development is.

Awesome. If you are listening to these odds, you probably are all about growing and using the tools that you can get to be better at life every day, but all the personal development and self-help is, is learning from other people’s mistakes. The people who’ve already gone out there and try different things, taking knowledge from them to see how to apply it in your life.

And that’s how I came to personal development kind of late. I don’t know about. My parents are from Ghana, West Africa. Right? And you, you may know this. If you already follow me on social being the child of an immigrant, my parents already had my life mapped. Mapped out before I was even born. I was supposed to be a boy.

So let’s just talk about accuracy, right? I am. I’m throwing curve balls everywhere. Right. But my parents, they knew right out of the gate, they were like, you know, you are going to grow, you will be a doctor. And you know, if you have time, you can also go to law school and all these things will be good for you, you know?

And after you have finished your degree, maybe multiple degrees, definitely doctorates, you know, you can maybe have triplets. You know, just do it all at once, because even if I can help you, you know, you can bring the child to Ghana. I raised a child, you know, and then also return a child to you maybe at 80 years old.

This is my mom. Right. And just to be clear, y’all you already know I am a successful multi-million dollar business owner and my mom still tells me, you know what, there’s still time for you to go to medical school and get a real job. Okay. So I’m telling you that personal development saved my life because I have parents that are all about the traditional path in life and that, you know, this is how you do it. And there’s no reason to ever worry or modify or deviate from that path. So personal development for me, and hopefully for you, haven’t looked into it before for you could very well be the ticket to helping you develop the mindset that you need to approach whatever. Thing or dream or purpose or feeling that you have that you’re trying to really explore. So that’s where I think the value in personal development comes.

Now also as a Christian, one of the issues that often is spoken about in the world in general, Or for anyone who has any sort of belief system, is, does personal development kind of conflict with that? You know, if we are supposed to be getting all of our guidance through sort of our faith or our faith-based leaders and all of that, you know, does personal development conflict with that. Our people telling us that we should believe more in ourselves believe more in our like faculty. Books then we should believe in, you know, our belief system, biblically or church wise, or, you know, through Christianity and faith.

And, um, here’s my take on it. I read personal development books and I use them in a way to figure out the tools to apply the things that I already want to attain based on what I feel is God’s call on my life. If you are a believer, if you’re somebody who’s always said to yourself that this is something that matters. And particularly for the person who sent this question, I want to let you know that it’s already written in the Bible that we’re supposed to use something called discernment. And if you’re not a faith-based person, the concept of discernment is still going to be valuable to you.

Discernment is essentially this, whatever you hear out there. Take it, listen to it and determine if it makes any flipping sense, right. Apply it to what you know to be good and true. Put it through your gut check knower before you decide to execute on it. That is discernment. And I’ll talk about this more in different chats, and I’m going to bring on a few experts about it and a couple of other episodes. But one of the things I’ve been worried about this day in age in general is how many of us are putting things through discernment before we execute on it.

We see something on Instagram, or we hear some influencer talk about something and we’re swiping our cards and changing up our whole life. We’re trying that diet plan, or we’re buying that waist trainer. We’re not putting things through the filter of, does this make sense? Is this, does this matter to me? What are my morals? What are my values? Does this align? Is this the way I want to show up in the world? And I want to let you know. You know, when you sent this question in. About whether or not personal development can align with your faith, it sure can. Because whatever it is that you’re learning or hearing, you can always put it through that checker, you know, the same way that you would anything else and say, does this align with what I know to be true around how I want to show up in the world? And that’s exactly what I do.

So if I am struggling, you know, and saying to myself, oh my gosh, I’m really struggling with, you know, motivation. Well if I’m reading a personal development book that says, well, if you need to be motivated, you need to see the value in money because money is the only thing that matters in the world and anything you should be doing is for the dollar and money is all that matters. Well, guess what? That may be what that author believes in that book or that influencer, whoever that fancy pants person is who is taking a picture in front of a rented Lamborghini. That’s not what I believe. I absolutely believe that it’s about a higher calling and I believe that money is just a tool, right? It is just an earthly tool to help me do heavenly good. Right? So, because that’s my value system, I can maybe take in what they’re saying, which is okay.

You know, the general meat of this is that money is important, you know, in order to get things done, but I can spit out the bones.

I don’t need to, to consume all of it because money isn’t all that matters. And you have discernment too. So, I want to let you know that if you’re looking at personal development or self-help, and you’re thinking that this is the thing that is, you know, the pastor in your life, right? Like that influencer’s quoting the Bible and they’re saying all these things and you know, it feels like they are the church that you’re listening to, or the thing that you’re worshiping or the thing that matters to you. Where you become so obsessed with everything they’re saying and doing that you’re no longer putting it through your own discernment, yeah personal development is going to be a problem for you because it really is stepping in the place of your faith, your belief system and your own knowledge. That’s not okay.

Even if you’re not a faith based person, if you find yourself basically looking at an influencer, worshiping them, wanting to be everything that they are and saying, oh my gosh, this is it. Then you’re missing. The mark person of almond is nothing but a guide. And everything, even the stuff that I say to you guys should still go through your personal checker to see if it fits for your life. So I love being here with you week after week.

I love hoping that we’re growing together and that from my stories and the things that I’m sharing, we’re avoiding mistakes and being better in the world. But I also want you to know that I’m not perfect. I’ll be the first to say it. I am a certified hot mess express, and I want you to take whatever I say. I want you to chew up the meat. I want you to spit out the bones. I want you to take what’s going to work and help you grow. And I want you to take the rest of it that doesn’t apply and say, you know what? I’m glad that worked for her, but it’s not going to work for me because that’s how I know that we’re building a real friendship.

It’s one that helps each other grow, but isn’t all about you should do what I say. And that’s what every influencer out there, if you are one of them, who’s listening, you should be doing that too.

So I love that question and I think it’s so, so valid and we never want to confuse great personal development with faith based learning because honestly your pastor shouldn’t be dipping in that pool. And your, your favorite influencer personal development experts, shouldn’t be dipping in the church pool. We got to keep the things separate to make sure that people are clear on where they’re going. And no matter what you have the ability to check it for yourself.

And that brings me to my favorite part, Don’t make yourself content, now, you know that I am not the world’s best pop culture guru, right? Like, I don’t know a busy girl. I got these kids acting up and being crazy. I have a wig collection. I have well, exfoliated skin. These things take time. I am busy. Okay. But what I can tell you is as a, um, increasingly older and refined woman, you know, if it makes it to Facebook or it pops up on my timeline, I’m going to know about it. Right? And so I want to talk about the things that I do talk about because they are relevant. I want to get my commentary on what’s going on in the world. And the thing that popped up recently was this whole rumor about how Rihanna and ASAP Rocky broke up.

And I don’t know if you heard about this. So first of all, if you’re someone who’s like, I don’t even know who these people are. Rihanna is everything. If you don’t know, she is the billionaire CEO and founder of a lingerie collection. She is a music artist. She’s got a phenomenal makeup line. I mean, she really has everything. She’s partnered with designers to become not just the face and muse of their brand, but to help with designing collections, she’s considered a fashion group. I mean, she is all of the things and one of the things that’s great about her, just, you know, for saying that. She’s pretty unproblematic. You know what I mean? Which is really nice.

You know, I think that a lot of us, when we’re looking for people that we can follow that seem to have a pretty strong, moral leaning, you know, and are just not messy. I mean, nobody’s perfect, right? She’s very much a human and I appreciate that more and more, you know, living in LA and meeting people all the time. She’s very much a human and just a regular person trying to be your best in the world, but she’s pretty unproblematic, meaning like she stays to herself. And, um, it’s cool. Cause you know, she’s living her life out loud, you know, like anyone else and, uh, she’s pregnant, you know, with her first child and much like if you recall, beyoncé’s first pregnancy, it is news and it’s amplified news because our Rihanna, unlike the rest of the world, you know, uh, is pregnant and fashionable because everything she does is on a big scale and uh, and it’s being covered everywhere.

She’s finally stepping out, uh she’s in designer things and the father of her child is another popular rapper and long story short, you know, the world’s been sort of tracking the arrival of this baby and following their relationship closer than ever. And this, um, I think within the past couple of weeks, there was this rumor flying around that they had broken up.

And this was shocking because, you know, there were no signs of an impending breakup and there were no signs of there being sort of trouble in the waters. And, um, you’ll hear me say it time and time again. I do believe that we are way overly obsessed with people’s relationships. Um, way too much. We get way too invested. We get way too obsessed. We feel entitled to every detail. And honestly, you know, it really isn’t our business if they broke up or not, but that said, that’s the industry.

And so this is flying around and it is making all the news because people are like, oh my gosh, like her baby is coming soon. And they broke up. This has bananas. Fast forward. This was one of those rumors and gossip things that only lasted a couple days, if not a couple hours, because very quickly it unraveled, the other woman that was kind of implicated in this situation, issued a statement within a couple of hours saying, listen, this whole thing is a total lie.

And it wasn’t one of those statements where you’re like, oh yeah, it was a total lie, but you’re just saying that as a cover. No, no, no, no, no. She was like, this is a total lie. It is not true. Um, not only have I not seen the father of her child, not only have I not interacted with them this way, I am friends with Rihanna. Like, none of this is even remotely true and furthermore, all parties involved were like, this does not make sense. So it was such a quick and clear denouncement of this lie. And it was actually fairly unified in everybody saying like, look like this doesn’t make any sense, that all the people who were sort of promoting this, the bloggers, the people who kind of picked up on it quickly started kind of tracing the source of it.

Like where do we even hear about this? Because we all kind of heard it and we thought this is good juice, and we’re going to kind of run with it, you know? And it all trailed back to one tweet. One tweet that came out by an up-and-coming gossip blogger who shall remain unnamed because they offended the queen Rianna.

So there’s one gossip blogger who kind of put out this one tweet saying like, oh, rumor is they broke up. And the reason they broke up is because of this woman. And, uh, and here are the facts that I’ve heard around it, you know? So alleged facts that I’ve heard around it, so on and so forth. Well, once that part came out. This person issued a retraction. Now this is what’s really unusual. I can honestly tell you this rarely happens in the Hollywood space because frankly, once something’s out there, it pretty much is what it is, even if it’s not true.

Well, this retraction was issued where the person basically came out and said, very clearly I never should have spread this. It’s not true. I thought it was. And not only was the source not valid, but I think I kind of amplified and embellished it. I screwed this up. I totally made a mistake. It’s not true. I hold myself accountable. I made a mistake, yada, yada, yada. Yikes. So let’s talk about how they made themselves content.

First things first, the lesson in all of this is how quick are we to rush, to sharing information, whether it is spreading the good tea or sharing a detail from a book that we read or sharing a new strategy that we may have learned in a webinar or something like that, recording something we heard in a church service.

We’re so quick to repeat something that we’ve heard without letting it sit with us for a little bit or taking it through a validation process. I got to tell you that is something that we all can learn from. Nothing is harmed by waiting 24 hours to sleep on it because we’re so quick to try to get the attention and the validation and the, the, okay, the permission, whatever.

We’re so quick to get that thing that we are now rushing to judgment. We’re rushing to comment and we’re rushing. First with the news, for whatever reason and social media hasn’t made it easier. So quick to get it out there that we hit submit so fast that we end up regretting not having gone through the checking process and setting ourselves up like this.

Now, the one thing that we can say this person did great was they came back and apologized. I mean, they Crow and they did it publicly, you know, so. Credit to them, you know, for being able to own it because they didn’t have to, um, I don’t know if it’s going to prevent litigation. I don’t know if it’s going to keep them all the way good. No matter what, you know, at least they came out and they did the right thing. And I think there’s something to be learned from there. I’m hoping that this is the new direction that, you know, the people who engage in gossip and the people who are on, um, you know little side forums or in comments or in DMs or all these different places, these blogs, these videos that have an inclination to try to build their business on the backs of harming others and, and fabricating things, or even taking assumptions and embellishing them for the sake of conversation, without regard for the harm that it can. Cause, you know, I’m hoping that they can understand that now, you know, people are willing to engage in lawsuits and people are willing to reach out and say, it’s not okay.

And that there is some merit to taking a minute to validate the things you’re saying before you say them, because it really isn’t worth one, ruining your character. Integrity is so stinking important. It’s just not worth it. And two, if you call yourself a blogger or whatever else, well guess what, you’re a gossip blog or whatever else is only as good as people believe the garbage that’s on it. I mean, yes, it’s true. If it’s entertaining, that’ll get you some fame, but it’s when you get it right, that you really get popular.

And the truth of the matter is if you’re out there spreading things that aren’t, aren’t valid. You know, there’s a big difference between having a gossip site that’s first with the entertainment info, like TMZ and having a page like National Enquirer that we all know as a joke, because it’s just bigfoot on the front and it’s sold in a grocery store, you know? So I got to let you know that if there’s anything to learn from this situation, it’s one check and recheck before you open your mouth, to spread, if you’re going to do it at all. And two, if you make a mistake own it and do it fast before you’re slapped with a lawsuit or worse lose your good name.

So yeah, that was a hot one this week. And I remembered thinking to myself, oh my gosh, we’ve got to chat about it. There’s so much to learn from this. And more than anything, I know that person wishes they did not make themselves content.

Oh my goodness. So, I have been going through it this week. And we’ve been talking about this, uh, on social and you know, as I mentioned earlier, we were talking about some of the new books that I’ve been picking up because I am kind of working through something. And it’s great because as I was chatting about this on live, I was like, oh my gosh, I cannot wait to chat about it with all of you here because you guys told me I’m, you’re not, I’m not the only one going through this, that this is something that really resonated.

So what I want to talk about today is really like all the things that have changed. Right. And how we’re looking at the perspective of change and as you guys know, you know, I’m a mom and you know, that was weird for me. And, uh, you know, right now, like I’m living apart from my husband in LA and you know, that is weird. You know, like everything I’ve done in my life is unconventional. I’ve lost all this weight. My body’s different. I used to work in corporate, now I’m an entrepreneur. I mean, I have really changed a lot over the past several years and, um, And it’s interesting because having gone through these very distinctive phases of life, I’ve got a lot of me’s that I can look at.

I’ve got a lot of me’s that are out there. And, um, what I can tell you is when the pandemic came and I think a lot of you guys can relate. Everything changed so quickly. And at first I think most of us were like, oh, we can all use this welcome break because we’re all being sort of jolted out of our habits and our patterns. And maybe we can use these two weeks or these, you know, cause we all thought it would be two weeks, right? Two weeks or a month or whatever to, you know, to relax or to maybe pursue some things that we’ve always wanted to pursue that we never got around to. And, um, for some of us, that was exactly what happened.

We started gardens. We learned how to make sourdough bread. Uh, you know, we picked up hobbies, we started businesses, but for some of us, we just kind of slept, we relaxed, we spent more time with family and, um, all that stuff was good and great for a short while. But then after that, we realized that we really needed to learn how to live in this new existence, whatever it looked like. And, uh, before you know it, a lot of things started changing in a more permanent way. Uh, we really started to question our jobs. We started to question, uh, you know, our schooling. Do we want to, you know, actually keep our kids at home since this is what it’s like, or we’ve discovered new gaps in their education, or, um, you know, for some of us, our bodies changed permanently.

We put on pandemic pounds and now we’re saying to ourselves, do we like the way we look and, you know, we don’t feel the same way. Um, if you’re like me, you started realizing how much you hated wearing hard pants. You know, sweatpants are where it’s at. Why on earth are we ever wearing jeans who invented them? They make no sense. You know?

But you know, one of the things that happened is kind of an outcome of all of that was I just was kind of like, gosh, like I don’t know how I ever did all the things that I did before. And I don’t know if any of you guys are asking yourself that, but if you ever looked at your previous life, you know, pandemic life was still a very hard lift, but we were lifting less. If that makes sense. Like, I mean, yes, we were still adding on the homeschool and kind of working from home. And we were doing things in a weirder way, but it wasn’t the same lift of things like, oh, I also have to commute. And I also, you know, like it was a little bit different type of lift that was still very heavy, especially emotionally, but the lift was a little bit different and I don’t know about you. And it wasn’t the same for everybody.

Some people were lifting more, particularly our doctors, our service workers, our essential workers and you know, so much respect to all of them because they were doing all the things, which, you know, God bless them. Um, we’re not worthy and a lot of them still are, so appreciation to you. But I know that, like for me, the biggest question that came up in the past couple of weeks is why am I not operating the way that I used to?

Why am I not as effective as I used to be? And I found myself spending weeks, I mean, literal weeks kind of beating myself up. Saying like, man, you used to be so much more fit. You used to do such a better job with getting things done. You used to be so inspired, girl you used to go live three, four times a day. You used to be on social posting. This often used to, you had so much fire around. And I’m asking myself, well, is it because I’m just like, not as into it anymore, is it, I mean, it’s a cycle and I know for a fact, some of you right now are sitting there nodding like, yes, girl, like, you know why?

Like I used to do so much, I used to do this. I used to look like this. I used to feel like this. I used to do. And then you start asking yourself, well, maybe I’m just not into my job. Or maybe I’m just not into my purpose or maybe I don’t like this career anymore. Maybe I need to, you know, find a new diet plan. Maybe, I just really felt like I was kind of grasping at straws for the thing that I felt would give me new fire, because I was just so displeased with where I was.

And I have to tell you. That it brought me to this thing, this, this thing that I didn’t realize, but it was like an awakening for me. And it’s what I’ve wanted to share with you. I realized that we talk all the time about comparison, all the time. Influencers do not compare yourself with others. You hear it all the time. Don’t look at someone else and think that should be you. You don’t know their story. Don’t compare to their business. Don’t compare to their body. Don’t compare to, you know, their lifestyle. Your walk is your walk, yada, yada, yada, we also here coupled with that, you’re only competing with you from yesterday. You only need to just try to be your best version of self.

Well, I don’t know about y’all, but from a grace-filled perspective. I just want to throw out the idea that maybe neither one of those is right. Maybe I shouldn’t be comparing at all. Like at all. Maybe the me that’s here today is good enough. I mean, sometimes it feels like we’re spending so much time chasing the next thing, the other version of self. And we’re not spending time realizing that the person who’s here today may be doing their best dang best. Okay. To try to face what’s in front of them today. And that’s okay.

I mean, think about who you were before, like pre-pandemic. Even if you were your better version of self, even if you felt like you were more productive or hitting on our marks or more creative or whatever else, look that person was facing a different world. That person never knew that they may have to work from home for hours. That person never knew that they would also have to simultaneously teach their kids. Honestly, the person who you used to be was facing a different set of issues, an entirely different world. Different fears, different, different obligations.

So it’s really unfair for you to compare the person today that has a whole new set of problems, a whole new set of expectations, a whole new set of obligations with the person that existed before. You are not the same. You’re not the same. You’ve been through things and it’s oh, K that you aren’t this.

It’s okay to possibly write new goals, right? New expectations, right. New grace for the person who’s here today. Now I want you to know that comparison with your old self is still just as damaging as comparison with others because that person is out of reach. They don’t exist anymore. And I got to tell you that for me, when I think about what I need to do. It’s not giving me a pass and I’m sure some of you are thinking well, okay, well, if I’m not trying to beat the best version, you know, be the best version of myself by competing with my old self, then what does that mean? Does that mean I’m just okay to stay here and not grow? No, it’s not that I’m just saying that maybe your goals and the things that you’re trying to aspire to and obtain should take consideration for the things that are in front of you right now.

So what does that mean? For me, and I’ll say this pretty openly, you know, I may not be 22 anymore. Okay. Hypothetically, right? Like I may be, you know, in God’s eyes 25 or so, but an earthly eyes, I may be a little bit older than that mathematically, significantly so. So knowing that that’s the case, it’s not as reasonable for me. I don’t, you know, for, for those of you, a women of a, uh, more seasoned age, like, like myself, our bodies are different. I don’t know about you, but the energy that I had when I started my business at 26, you know, it just doesn’t exist anymore. Like, it just isn’t the same. And it isn’t an issue of, oh, workout, more, eat, different nutrition, wellness, herbs, supplements, all of that.

Yes. Those things can help preserve your body. Yes. Those things can help you, you know, show up a little bit better than the best version of self, but my body doesn’t operate the way it used to. My recovery time is longer. Everything is different, stuff hurts. I hear my knees in the morning. Y’all like they sing, you know what I mean? It is like pop, pop, pop, like it’s just real life. And for me to sit here and say, well, why aren’t you approaching your business the same way with the same youthful vigor where you’re, you know, staying up for 24, 48 hours at a time trying to crank it out because I’m not the same body. I’m not the same person.

And so when I wonder why I’m not going live three times a day, well, maybe my priorities have changed. And the truth is, they have, and maybe the same thing applies to you. Have you ever thought to consider that maybe where you are in any given moment is exactly where you’re supposed to be. And that that’s enough.

I know that for me, that’s something I try to remind myself all the time that my time is not wasted if I’m choosing to use it resting. My time is not wasted if I’m playing with my kids, instead of sending 10. My time is not being inappropriately used. If I decide that I want to take myself to go get a manicure or pedicure or do something nice like that for myself, rather than, you know, spending time going live for 10 minutes.

And you guys heard me talk about it and episode three, about the boundaries around my family and my babies and my business and privacy, you know, part of why I’m not going as live anymore is because my values have changed around what matters to me and what I want to keep to myself and what I want to share publicly as I am growing and developing as a person. And so understand that if you have changed in general, which cough, cough you have, you know, it’s natural that your expectation goals, deliverables, and output, right? What you put in the world, it’s going to look different too.

And so what’s been helping me in first, accepting and acknowledging that, which I’m hoping that as you’re listening and as we’re hanging out here and chatting about this, that you’re, you’re accepting that too, that you’re really saying to yourself, friend. Um, and I mean this in all, in all friend friendliest ways, I really hope you are accepting that it is not okay for you to beat yourself up for not being able to go as hard now, as you used to before.

That there is no magic. There is no, you know, uh, amazing personal development thing. That’s going to suddenly turn you back into your old fiery self, where you’ll get your old fire back. That just doesn’t exist. But what I will tell you is that there are new ways you can approach where you are today to still accomplish the things that matter to you most, but it starts with giving yourself grace around letting go of a former self and embracing the one who’s here today. Also because friend, lean in, the person who’s here today is a flippant super hero. You got through a pan-demi. Okay. Like it was not easy. And you did all of that. The best you could and you survived it. You are here right now. We may all have battle wounds, we may all have scars. We definitely all have some trauma, but we’re still here. So this person is a new, strong, relevant, worthy, deserving version of self.

But we also are going to have to approach things differently. So if in accepting that the question then becomes how? And for me, I instantly started doing my heavy research. I start reading things cause you know, I’ll be the first thing. I’m not an expert. I don’t know all the things I prefer to, you know, I know business businesses, one of my jams, like if you that’s the place where I can speak to, but when it comes to other things, I’m pretty much a hot mess.

So, you know, I start looking around and I. I’m inclined towards data, numbers, scientific evidence, things like that. I don’t necessarily just want what the cool hip hashtag is. I want the real deal. And the book that I found is called Choice Theory. And this book is written by Dr. William Glasser. And we’ll have details about it in the show notes, if you want to pick it up.
But, you know, I tell you, this book has opened my eyes and it sounds cheesy, but we’ve been talking about it over on Instagram and the stories y’all. It’s such a simple concept that I think a lot of us here in some of us may hear today for the first time, but you probably heard it before. It basically comes down to how you look at it.

How are you looking at the problems that you’re facing today so that the right person is meeting the same problem? And choice theory is all about that. It’s recognizing that a lot of us are trying to change our situation by controlling things externally, meaning, well, if I just build out a better schedule, if I get better at time management, if I get my family in line, if I get my kids to listen, if I could just get my assistant to act right. If I could just get my husband to do this, if I could just control all these external factors, then things will get better internally. I’ll feel better about myself. I’ll finally hit my goals. I’ll finally have the tools I need. I finally have the investors, the money, whatever. And the truth is it’s just not it.

It just isn’t. And I know some of you right now are like, no, no, that’s not true because if so-and-so did this and it would be better, you all, it just isn’t it because here’s the thing. People will do whatever they want to do. You cannot control them. Even if you think that they’re going to be compliant, even if you think you’re going to make a perfect plan. People are unpredictable and they will go rogue. And even if they understand, agree and believe that what you’re telling them is true and the right thing they should do and the plan, they will still do what they want. That is just a fact of humankind. So what does that mean? It means that we all need to muscle up because the world is not in our control.

We all need to muscle up and learn how to make a choice when we are faced with the unexpected to look at that in the best way possible. And if we can get really, really good at our positive perspective choice muscle, then we can actually build out the ability to still show up on a regular basis and hit our goals and accomplish things. So a simple example of what this looks like. I was saying to myself all, all for like the past, honestly, couple of months, man, I could really use a big win. And I don’t know if some of you guys have already said this, like a really big win, like, gosh, am I can just get like, God give me something tiny, man. Like, let me book this piece of press or let me book this speaking gig or let me do whatever.

Like, please, God, her, let me get that big check-in or just, just a little something to say that like, you know, I still got it or I’m still in the game or that it’s working out. And I say all of this to y’all, like I say, all of this y’all. I wasn’t posting, I still was posting wins. It’s just that once you get to it, you know how they say new levels, new devils are Mo money Mo problems.

You know, I’ve gotten to a place in my life where the type of what I consider a win is, you know, pretty hard to attain and I require a lot of work to do it, you know? And, but I do remember the days where I was like, if I can get this kid to pee in the potty, it counts as a win. You know what I mean? So, so I, I hear your mom is a big win can look different for everyone. But my point being is I was sitting here saying like, gosh, I just need a win. So that I can still know that I’m still in this thing. And here I am constantly praying and wishing and hoping for somebody to give me a win without realizing like wins are created, I make them. And then I’m saying to myself, okay, well, fine. I need to make a win, but where’s my old fire.

I can’t make a win, I’m not creating content, like I used to, I’m not showing up. Like I used to what’s wrong with me. I used to this. And then I got into that comparison trap about how I was failing myself. And then. I said, look, there’s something wrong with my mindset because the truth is, the truth is y’all and you guys know this too. There’s food in my fridge. I have a roof over my head. I have clothes on my back. My kids are healthy. I’m healthy. Everything is well. It’s imperfect. Trust me. Each of those categories has its own version of hot mess involved in it. But ultimately I am here. Which means that nothing is wrong fundamentally.

So that means that the anxiety, the stress, the guilt, the shame that I’m putting on myself that does not serve me. And that is actually standing in the way of my big win, is in my mind. And if it’s in my mind that I’ve got to change my mind, I’ve got to, I’ve got to work on my mindset. And that was when I picked up this book, I said, what’s going on? And the book basically tells you that, look, if you are trying to think that your solution going to come from this external control, you need to realize that you’re actually choosing to look at your situation from a place of misery. You’re choosing misery. And I want to be clear that what’s great about this book is it also allows, you know, uh, for privilege, right? Let’s be completely honest. Some of us really are in situations that are very difficult. Um, you know, having had a daughter who had stage four cancer and going through that process, you know, there’s, you can choose on how you want to look at cancer.

That is still a truth, you know, but some of those diagnosis days and some of those days where. You know, for anyone who, God forbid, if you’ve had to go through this process, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Some of those days get pretty dark, you know? And, um, and no one’s ever gonna say that you’re choosing that misery, but you can choose how you want to show up to it. You know, do you want to show up to it with optimism? Do you want to show up with energy? Do you want to, you know, do the best you can to drum up what you’ve got to give it your best fight, if that is what you are indeed choosing, fighting.

So when I looked at my life, you know, situation, which is nowhere near the battle that cancer is, I was like, oh my gosh, you know, I’m choosing to say every day that I need a win as if I’m not winning right now, I’m choosing every day that, oh, I’m not performing or showing up as good as I have in the past. When in reality I’m living a life that is beyond my wildest dreams and is such an incredible privilege. I literally am living, breathing, enjoying, and experiencing the things that I had prayed for at one day. Mamas, when your kid isn’t going potty, remember the day is that you were holding that kid in your room and praying that you get to hold them in your arms.

Understand that even though we are in those hard moments, we can choose a place of gratitude. Now it doesn’t mean that we have to ignore or be toxic positivity. Everything’s perfect. Everything’s good. Nothing is ever wrong. That’s not true. Gratitude and grief can co-exist, but understand that the shame that comes from comparing our old selves to our new selves, particularly to the extent where it stops us from moving forward. Well, that doesn’t serve you at all. That doesn’t serve anyone. And so this book has changed my mind. It’s changed my mind and it changed my life.

And I just want to ask you what choices are you making today that are going to help support you? The you that’s here right now and actually getting where you want to be tomorrow. At a minimum, are you choosing to grant yourself grace, when you acknowledge that you have changed and been through things and that you’re doing the best that you can because you’re deserving of that grace.

You’re deserving of the opportunity to bring the person who’s here today into these new problems and do the best he can and know that if it doesn’t work out, you got. You earned it, you fought the good fight and you’re still showing up. So friend, that’s what I’m doing. I’m choosing to be beyond grateful as I always have been really for my situation, but being really grateful for the fact that the world is conspiring to meet me.

All I have to do is get ready because for both of us, our names are being spoken about in rooms with opportunities and, and positivity and all the things that we need to succeed. It’s being created. It just hasn’t arrived to us yet. So this whole perspective that we need a big win or that we aren’t showing up enough. Well, let’s choose together today, tot to buy into that, not to let it stand in our way. We’re going to choose to move forward, be grateful and be thankful for the who we are right now, because that’s enough.

It is a daily battle. Every single day life brings you different things. But my gosh, it is so worth it. Life is so, so good and so rewarding and I’m hoping. That as we work through these things day in and day out every single week that we’re able to say that we’re showing up better and that we’re showing up at all and that counts for something.

So this week I want you to go out. I want you to make good choices.

 

In this episode, I share:

• My thoughts on personal development and how I use it in connection with my faith,
• How to filter any advice you receive to ensure it’s FOR you,
• What I’ve noticed in myself and from chatting with you about post-pandemic life,
• Why it’s so important that we use our choice muscle to make good choices, and
• How to accept ourselves exactly where we are, even if we aren’t performing the best we ever have

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook and Instagram!
• Record a voice message for me here
• The book I mentioned, Choice Theory by Dr. William Glasser, can be found HERE
• Don’t miss the recent episode I did on boundaries HERE!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.