SEASON 4, EPISODE 13

SHOW NOTES

Y’all middle school is middle schooling this week and I’ve got a story to break down for you. All in all I’m calling this a win friend and I’m excited to share what I’m learning with you!

Thanks for being here, friend. I’m so glad we are raising teenagers together!

Let’s keep this conversation going over on Instagram – send me a DM @NicoleWalters about what’s going on with your littles at home!

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Season 4, Episode 13

Nicole:

Hey friends. So I’m just going to jump into it because this one is, I wouldn’t say tough for me to talk about, but it’s come up a lot and we’ve chatted about it in the DMs. As you know, I’ve got a 12 year old at home and middle school is a tough, tough season. I almost feel like it’s getting tougher, particularly if you have little girls, um, in this day and age.

And I say that to almost date myself. Do you remember when, if you were getting. bullied, picked on, had a thing with a kid, or you were afraid of a test, you would just stay home. You’d be like, Mom, I need to stay home. I don’t feel good. Because the problems that you had, or the thing that you were nervous about facing, you know, existed someplace else.

Well, that’s changed a lot. I know a lot of you are nodding your heads right now, like, yes, girl. The drama from school comes home with these kids, and it comes home through social media, their cell phones. I mean, it is really a different dynamic to raising kids, uh, when we were growing up, you know, from our parental experience.

And I count myself lucky, you know, as a younger mom to my girls, meaning, you know, I’m not even 40 yet with a 24 year old, you know, and that kind of keeps me hip. Even though I use words like hip, you know, it keeps me cool because I am still very much on the touch point of, you know, social media and like the music they’re listening to and shows they watch.

So a lot of things don’t slip by me, even though I’m still trying to figure out what the heck Riz really means, you know, and, and all these things these kids are saying, but nevertheless, you know, It’s just been very interesting raising my own little Gen Alpha kid, which believe it or not, Mama’s Gen Alpha is in middle school and driving and Gen Z has babies.

Welcome to aging. And she came home this past week and she mentioned, I think I shared a blurb of this online. So if you follow me on Instagram, you already kind of kept up with this that, She’s kind of tired of her school, you know, she’s, she’s sick of the people, right? Everyone’s getting on her nerves.

And if any of you are raising a Virgo, you know what that means. If you’re a Virgo yourself, you understand what I’m saying. If you don’t believe in astrology, what that means is you have a very specific way about you. You take your time, and you are observant, and you take in a lot of what’s going on around you and have all the opinions, but you may not share them, and you’re into precision and into things being done right, and you just do not understand why people can’t catch the vision.

And that is my little one. She is an introvert by every definition, but it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have all the thoughts, all the opinions, and a very solid sense of what’s right and wrong. And when I tell you, after divorce, one of the things that was really important to me, knowing that she was going into middle school, because we started our sort of separation transition when she was about, you know, late nines, you know, going into 10 and, you know, and now she’s 12.

And when we were going through that process, you know, I was already prepared. I was already saying, you know, hormonally, she’s changing and we need to have these conversations about your body and about. And, you know, just really started starting to prepare her for the world, but doing that coupled with a lot of familial and life changes, you know, moving to a new state, moving to a new city, you know, as we’ve talked about before, and if you guys haven’t listened to some of the other episodes, you know, from last season, you definitely want to because she even comes on and talks a little bit about it.

So, yeah. tips for kids who are, you know, going into middle school and handling transitions and things like that. She’s just a really brilliant and wise kid, but I already knew she was going to face a lot and it was something that I reached out to, you know, my therapist about to say, you know, kind of where should I stand right now?

in this season. And for those of you who are raising middle schoolers, for those of you who have the opportunity to speak into, you know, kids in this sort of transitional phase of 11 through 15, I want to go over some of the things that really are coming up that I think are worth paying attention to, and also some things that I think are really effective, to help support them during this time.

and then also give you a couple of words of, of grace. So, um, She comes home and says she’s sick and tired of these kids, and this isn’t the first time, this is something that’s been echoed, she’s in sixth grade, and she’s just kind of, you know, from the beginning, she was like, why do the boys here have beards?

Like, what is happening? Why is everyone so big? I feel so small in the hallway, you know, and she’s talking about the eighth graders, and she’s also a little shocked, you know, some of the language that they’re using, or, you know, the way they interact with each other, a little bit more physical, both in a romantic sense, So people holding hands in the hallways and, um, in a little bit of the rough housing sense, you know, the guy’s kind of asserting their hormonal, you know, masculinity by pushing around and playing keep away and things like that.

And she’s just not used to it, you know, she’s not used to it. And then imagine trying to figure out kind of once you get to that mid year point post Christmas, she’s now starting to realize that, friend groups are, are happening. And for those of you who’ve raised kids through the pandemic, you know, that.

This generation is like a little bit different socially. A lot of their relationships have been virtual, digital, and friend groups change constantly. But now that they’ve been sort of called out on social media, there seems to be a lot of pressure around finding one, fitting into one, and kind of having this pack as part of your social protection is kind of the best way I can describe it.

Like, where do I fit in? And I remember this when I was younger, but Just to be transparent, I kind of was always the kid who was the floater, meaning I fit in with a lot of different people. I was a theater kid. I was pretty good at sports. I was comfortable being smart and, you know, doing well in school.

And, I kind of got along with everyone, you know, but also didn’t really align with any particular group. And I liked it that way. And for my little one, because she’s an introvert, she’s the kid who’s not trying to be friends with everyone. She just wants a couple of like a couple of people, three or four people that she really clicks with.

So. That’s kind of I think been her approach to school was kind of who are my people and What seemed to have happened was that she had a couple of girls that she felt really close with coming in. And in trying to figure out the whole social dynamic, she thought, well, these are my friends, this is my friend group.

But what she didn’t realize is that friend groups evolve. And I, you know, I hinted at it, but you never really understand it until you’re into it. So, you know, she’s having sleepovers with these girls and, you know, they’re texting, they’re on a group chat, which just let you know mama’s, Keeping tabs on all of that.

You know, there’s no form of social media that I’m not tapped into. She doesn’t even have social media, but I’m checking all the text messages. I’m in all the emails. There’s no secret folders and her phone never goes into her bedroom and it plugs in after school and stays there. I mean, I’m pretty.

pretty firm in structure around media management and You know, she comes home and she tells me that a girl who she already noticed You know in her friend group was kind of starting to hang out with what she calls the popular kids but always still sat with them at lunch has started to no longer sit with them at lunch and And she was like, you know, and I guess I guess we’re not friends anymore, you know, and of course, if you’ve read my book, nothing is missing or you kind of kept up around here, you know that I’m very, my go to question is always tell me more about that.

And so I asked her, I said, tell me more about that. And she’s like, you know, she hangs out with the popular kids and I’m like, well, what makes them popular? And she’s like, well, they’re mean. And I was like, yeah, Well, what do you mean, you know, tell me more about that. And she’s like, well, they’re the kids who are always kind of on top because they’re making sure everyone else feels like they’re below.

And I know all of you kind of are like, you know, I just had a moment where I was like, oh gosh, like familiar, right? We understand that dynamic. I I think some of us sadly still experience it, right? Because, you know, some people never grow up, right? So even as adults, we have those people who feel better when they’re putting other people down.

And, she’s telling me like, these are the kids who are always making fun of people and things like that. And I asked her if they’ve ever made fun of her. And she said, yeah, you know, What was really weird was one of these girls who was supposed to be, you know, part of my friend group, you know, that we hung out with, I was wearing a certain shirt, you know, to school one day and she made a comment about it, you know, and it was clear that she was making fun of me and she doubled down on it and said it again, kind of with a laugh, and then went back over to the popular kids.

And, you know, I asked her how she made that, how that made her feel, and she said, Mama’s here is one place that kind of gave me a little bit of, you know, happiness. She said, well, I was more confused about why she would say that and I thought it was kind of silly. It hurt my feelings just because she was supposed to be my friend, but I didn’t really feel like what she said was true.

Now what I want to call out here is that I’m very grateful because as of right now, and I know the world’s gonna keep coming for her, but she has a very strong sense of self. And this is something I learned from my therapist that is so, so important with the littles and with, you know, the adults, if you have a really firm sense in who you are, if you have a lot of clarity around how you want to show up in the world, and you know that the people who matter to you echo those sentiments.

Right? So if your mom’s told you, look, you’re pretty, you’re smart, you’re capable, you know, it becomes really difficult for a stranger to shake that because you really know who you are. And, I’m just so thankful that with all the transitions that she’s faced, that her sense of self has not changed.

And I’m going to share something a little bit vulnerable here, but during the divorce, you know, uh, it was something that I was really worried about protecting in her, you know, because it was really important for me to make sure that my girls were set up comfortably. That, um, I knew that I was going to have full custody of my daughter, one, because I’m that type of mom.

Um, I’m trying to have this chat with y’all without, uh, crying, crying, because it’s just not easy, Knowing that the life and the parental familial structure that I thought they would have has changed so drastically. Necessarily, but drastically. And, um, I was just really hard setting it up and I just, I give thanks to God that they’re okay now and that they will always be okay.

But, I knew that for me, I wasn’t going to continue to remain with my partner. And when you’re a mom and you have kids, and again, anyone who’s gone through divorces or transitions or breakups will understand what I mean. One of the only ways you can move on is if you know your kids are going to be okay.

And I always knew that I would be mom to all three of my babies because I always had been. And I also knew that, with the move to California, which I had to come out here because this is where I work, and I knew that I needed to be close to work, in this situation that I went solo parent, so that I could, you know, solo parent.

I couldn’t fly from the East Coast back and forth and also be a solo mom. So I was preparing for that. And I came out here and got things set up for them and it took me a little bit, but not too long, before, you know, I got them all situated. And with that, I also did rest, recovery, mental health treatment and just made sure that I was in the best position I could be to be a good mom because I also knew I would, you know, more than likely be doing that solo.

So, There were some times where it came up in my absence, you know, where it was, you know, is mom coming to get us or what time or, you know, just a little bit of impatience, I think, you know, towards those last, few weeks, you know, few months, you know, where it was maybe there was a little bit more urgency, a little bit more discomfort.

And, even though I was there, you know, like every two weeks, like I saw every two weeks, every. major event, every holiday, every Christmas, like, you know, I was constantly with my kids, but, the permanent need, you know, towards that, towards the time that she came over permanently, you know, it was just a lot harder.

And, um, there are obviously pieces and nuances and things I’m not going to go into because everyone deserves their own privacy. But, uh, you know, it did come up where she, was faced with, you know, is mom coming back? and she very quickly said, And this is a moment that means so, so much because it’s come up a couple times, you know, mom would never leave me. And there’s no world where mom wouldn’t want me with her 24 seven. And I know who I am to mom. You know, and when I tell you, you don’t realize when you’re mothering your kids, how important that messaging is going to be as they’re out in the world, particularly when they hit middle school.

Middle school, I’m realizing and watching how she’s developing. So much of it

is kids trying to figure out who they are. And right now. There’s this tiny window between 11 and kind of 13 where they still listen to you and your voice still counts. And the fact that she has a strong sense of self, you know, I mean, she’s told me so far that she’s had kids say that she’s ugly or like, why does her hair look like that, you know, and she’s like, these kids will just like stare at me and it’s funny because part of it is because she is cute.

Like, I mean, you can look on the internet. Can’t nobody tell me my daughter isn’t gorgeous, she’s stunning. And I say that objectively because I didn’t even birth her. You know, like, I mean, like, literally, I’m like, my kids are very, very good looking and, and we thank God for it, right? They’re gorgeous babies.

And so, and I’ve always told them, so I’m like, look, I was like, everybody in our family is attractive and ain’t that a blessing, right? So, you know, it’s funny cause, uh, you know, she’ll say, she’s like, yeah, you know, people are staring at me and I don’t know why. And it’s like, the boys will stare at me and they won’t say anything.

And I’m like, is there something in my face? And, and I would tell her, I’m like, you know, Hey, I just want to let you know, boys right now are awkward and they’re staring at you cause you’re pretty. And she was kind of like, Oh, you know, and, and then, you know, she’s like, well, why are the girls staring at me?

And then snickering. And I was like, it’s cause you’re pretty, you know, and it’s cause you’re amazing and you’re brilliant and you’re smart and you’re nice. And she’s just like. Okay, she was like, well, then why are they calling me ugly and making fun of my hair? And I told her, you know, it’s this weird time where people really just don’t know how to interact with each other.

And maybe they’re mimicking some of what they see on social media, or maybe they’re trying different things to make themselves feel better. And unfortunately, some of that is happening at your expense, because they’re trying things that don’t work, you know.

And so what happened was, you know, I, I did ask her outright and I’m sharing all of this with you so that you can kind of hear some of the dynamic that we have going on here because I know we’re all having these conversations and I just hope kind of bringing you into one of ours can help you with that.

with yours as you’re facing him. But I really do just let her talk and vent. And then I ask her questions to kind of see where her head is, you know, and one of the questions I asked her was, you know, I really want to know, like, do you think you’re ugly? or, you know, do you think you’re not that pretty?

Or, you know, is there anything about your appearance or how you show up? Do you think you’re a good friend, you know? And she said, you know, and this goes back to sort of during this divorce transition time where, She was catching the vibe that, you know, am I coming back? What’s going on? Like, is, is, are we going back to being a regular family as she’s known it?

And, you know, her being, having a strong sense of self, she immediately said, like, no, like, obviously I’m, like, I like myself and I think I’m pretty. I just don’t know why these people are saying this. I was like, and y’all, if you have followed, I don’t post too, too much of puffin anymore on social, but if you catch any of the clips, you can see she’s growing into a pretty strong and feisty one.

Like I know I’m going to have my hands full when she’s 16, but, It was just really good to hear that at 12, even though people were trying to tell her who she was, she knew who she was, and she knew who she belonged to, and she was comfortable in knowing that in herself, even if she was still trying to sort through the dynamic of how to deal with these people.

And so, And ultimately, you know, what she did say was, how do I deal with this mom? I just want them to leave me alone. I just want to be able to mind my business. And I just want these people to leave me alone. And that’s where, you know, I want to share kind of our technique. So all of my girls know every single one of them.

And you know, one of these days I have to have all three of them in the studio, so we can have kind of a group chat because they each have really funny stories about this. But I give each of my kids a pass. Every single year for mom to come to school and solve it. And here’s what that means. Of course, if there’s anything major, I’m down there without question.

I mean, if the school calls, I’m like halfway in the car before I even answer, right? Like y’all know how moms roll. However, Each of them gets a pass for me to step in and solve a problem. It can be a teacher, it can be a student, you name it. I will walk in there and I will finish it, right? Like I am that type of mom.

Do not play with my babies. and I remember, I can honestly say in the course of all of elementary, all of middle school, all of high school, each of the kids have probably used that once altogether, but they get, it renews every year. So with my little one, she knows that she has the same thing. You know, do you need mom to come down there and handle it?

But I always try to tell them the hierarchy, right? So first, when someone’s bullying you and stuff, I definitely expect you to not respond, right? You know, just kind of, okay, you know, like, you can ignore them, see if they kind of find a new interest, whatever. I don’t want you to just lash out. I, you know, we try to exercise self control and recognize we have autonomy, we can move ourselves out of the way, we can adjust, all of that.

Now, one of the things that was different as a sixth grader was that in elementary school you could just tell the teacher. I will never forget her first week of middle school when she was telling the teacher things and the teacher was like, okay.

And she came home and she was like, I mean, we told the teacher, but like, he didn’t do anything. And we were like, yeah, because it’s a middle school, like their teachers aren’t going to jump to it and solve every problem for you. You’re going to have to learn these interpersonal skills. And she was like, what?

So that was when we started reaffirming this sort of hierarchy. So the first part is you ignore it, right? Like we’re not going to feed, you know, the trolls. We’re just going to be like, it’s whatever. We keep it moving, but also recognize that I’m raising a little girl with her own voice. So the next thing that you do is you tell these people.

Please leave me alone and you say it nicely and that was what’s happening right now is she’s letting it go a little bit too long before she actually speaks up to the point where she gets irritated and that was kind of where she caught me in the story this week. Then the thing after that is you say, please leave me alone and you say it very firmly like please leave me alone Do not bother me and you say it very very firmly right like to their eyes Give them just a smidgen of crazy right let them let them be curious about what’s behind that look right now We’re gonna pause here so you can hear what I’m saying.

Y’all all know there is something about bullies where when you look them in the eye and say I am not the one, not today, not tomorrow, or the day after that, that lets them back down. I say this because I As somebody who is a public figure, who on social media, you know, shares aspects of their life, I have been subject to bullying so much.

I will likely do another, another chat about that. If you listened to last week’s episode, I talked a little bit about that as well, but so much. And it’s not the comments individually, and frankly, honestly, I don’t get it as bad as some of my other peers who are content creators. I actually, you know, I’m grateful for that, but it’s the volume.

It’s that if someone doesn’t like something you’ve done and you are a content creator, you know, people are like, well, you deserve it. You share your life. You deserve it. You know, you should be open to criticism. Y’all, even if someone’s open to criticism, it is very different to have one person criticize you versus 500 at once.

Nobody deserves that, right? In any case, you know, one thing I have learned, though, is I’ve had people slide into my DMs and say outright, like, commentaries about, like, my divorce. Well, you, like, got pretty or thin or you, you know, made money and then you left your man, you left the person who was by your side, like, things like that.

And then I’ll say, like, oh, well, when’s our wedding anniversary? And they like have nothing to say and I’m like and I’ll respond back and I’ll say oh, I mean you had so much commentary about the private intimate moments of my marriage that I thought that you might have known more than I did. And when you say firmly back to them like this is your information and knowledge is minimal.

It is minimal, and it is not your place to comment, because even if you are synthesizing from what you are seeing, hearing, and you have your opinion about it, you can either keep it to yourself, or you can speak nicely and ask, and it is still my choice and boundary if I want to respond, but you won’t come into my house and insert your opinion and think I won’t say anything back, and I can honestly tell you, without fail, On social media, anyone I have ever responded to has said nothing back.

Ever. 100 percent right. Anyone who has ever said something to me, and especially when they’re out of place and incorrect, that I respond to, they disappear. Because one, people don’t think you’re a real person. And this is what I was trying to explain to, you know, my daughter, was I was saying, look, a lot of these people are so into their own head, their own narrative, their own feelings.

feels around who they think you are, what’s going on with their body and their opinions and feeling awkward and being insecure or whatever else that they don’t even realize. that you are a person and can, will respond. And the minute you do that, it’s almost like a jolt to the system where they’re, where they don’t even know what to do with it.

And oftentimes they just leave you alone. And then the next part of it is when you look them firmly in the face and you tell them, I’m not the one or the two or the three, it definitely, um, lets them know, like, look, if you keep this up, be prepared to finish it. And so it was interesting because we hadn’t really moved in this middle school madness past the point of ignoring it and her kind of coming home in a huff here and there.

And so when I told her, I said, listen, I am encouraging, empowering you, giving you permission to say something back because it’s so easy to keep telling little girls to keep ignoring it and taking it and ignoring it. But isn’t that the very messaging that carries us all the way into adulthood where we don’t speak up for the raises we deserve?

We don’t speak up when we’re being, sexually assaulted in our homes, in our relationships, in our workplaces, in our friendships, you know, that where we are being told that it’s better to just be quiet and just take it. Absolutely not. I’m not raising that type of little girl. You have a voice and you’re going to use it.

And you’re going to know that in using it, you have the full authority and backing of Your mom, your stepdad and God. Okay. And you got some sisters who I’m not even telling what’s going down because your sisters are crazier than all of us. Okay. Like they would be here so quick. Like, I don’t even want to play like that.

Right. So I tell her, I was like, say something back. And then, she was like, but mom, I’m scared. What if they do something? So I tell her a little story about how like bullies almost never say anything back. But she was like, yeah, like, Well, what if they try to fight me or what if they hit me or what if whatever?

And I’m like, you know, honestly, and y’all, I do not condone fighting. I do not support, you know, little kids getting into it. It’s not something I encourage. And I know, I know we have to be strong people to learn to walk away and things of that sort, but let’s keep it all the way real. If someone is physically assaulting my child, she is not going to stand there and get physically assaulted.

I told her entirely, I said, listen, if it comes to that, I want you to know that I expect you to protect yourself. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. Okay? And then when you come home, we will handle it from there. So, it’s one of those things where it’s so interesting because And again, I’m trying not to tear up about it because just the notion makes me both so angry that I even have to have this conversation with her because why can’t babies just be babies?

Be kind, be sweet. You guys are 12. Like, my God, like, you know, there’s that. But also, it just makes me sad because I just hate that I even have to have this conversation. But the way that I described it, you know, earlier this week when I was chatting about it, you know, was that I hate that I have to gently break her innocence.

Because that’s exactly what it is. It’s me saying, look, it’s not 100 percent safe out there. And I’m grateful that we’ve created this little bubble where you think everyone’s gonna follow the rules and everyone’s gonna respect your space and that people, you know, are raised just like you, where they understand what a boundary is and they seek out to be helpers in the world and they’re getting enough, even simple things, food and water and love and care, but, you know, maybe that ain’t it, you know?

And you’re gonna meet kids that are not happy. going to know how to handle and interact with you and you are going to need to look out for self just a little bit. And I just want to let all of you know, in sharing those lessons with her, and I hope you’re hearing this too, it just echoed some of the lessons I’m learning for myself, that I’ve come a long way, but I still have to look out for self, you know, and the same thing applies, to her,

The kids are growing up differently. They have cyber security assemblies where they are learning about You know some of the threats online, and they have assemblies around shooter drills.

And teachers spend more of their time taking away cell phones and disciplining than they do actually teaching. I mean, heck, they don’t even learn math the same way. They don’t carry the one anymore. School is different now. And it’s just amazing to see how resilient these babies are.

So just a few days later, you know, she comes back and I ask her, you know, how, how are things going, you know, with the girls, uh, with these little cliques and these clubs and all that. And she was like, you know, mom, there are a couple of things I realized when I tell you those Virgo babies are, are made different.

Just Beyonce’s a Virgo, just to give you some context. You know what I mean? They’re just made different. Right. And so she’s like, yeah, you know, there are a couple of things I realized. She’s like, you know, the first thing is that all these girls are a lot nicer. So they’re still nice to me. It’s only when they’re all together.

And I was like, well, tell me more about that. What do you think that means? She was like, you know, I think it means that they’re more worried about what other people are going to think about them than they are about what they actually believe. I think they might be a little confused. And I was like, I think you’re really smart to realize that, and she said that one of the things she wants to do, and she was kind of like looking for language, and Alex is actually really good at this, so Alex kind of, he does morning drop off, and he, and pick up actually, and so he was like, I’m gonna, you know, give her some tips on this, because he was bullied when he was younger.

And, what she said she wants to do is kind of talk to them individually. She was like, I realized that maybe I don’t need to say something in front of the group because they seem like they’re nicer separately. She wants to ask them, like, why are you mean to me? And I said to her, that’s great. I love that she kind of worked around it to figure out her own approach, you know?

And I said, what do you think the answer is going to be? And she said, I don’t know. But I hope that it’s something good. Like, I hope it’s surprising. Maybe they don’t even know that they’re being mean. And I was like, oh, my baby still has grace. Bless it, bless it. Thank you, God. You know, so, so I’ll keep you all posted.

You know, if you follow me on Instagram, I’ll probably keep you updated there. But, you know, she’s going to talk to them to kind of see, you know, if maybe she can tap at their hearts a bit. um, and she figured out a way there, but the other thing she realized, and again, sense of self, you know, she was like, I was on my period.

Maybe it was my hormones. Maybe I was feeling like a little ramped up. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as it could be. And it’s probably true, you know, cause these, again, these middle school girls are a different breed, but I got to tell you, it’s interesting to evolve in parenting.

in just 10 years done prom, college, rehab, divorce, chemotherapy, kindergarten, solidified potty training, taught how to read, middle school twice, high school twice in 10 years, I have to tell you, it is pretty amazing.

how capable and smart and wise these babies are. And if there’s anything that I’ve learned, it’s that our job is to be the guardrail to inspire critical thinking, to encourage and impart grace and to be interested and asking the question because I know some of you are now like, these kids aren’t trying to talk to me.

All they say is fine. Okay, fine. To ask, Truly in-depth questions, not open-ended, not just how is school, but can you tell me two things that happened at school today that are interesting? Is there somebody in your third period class that you would say is a good friend?

What type of things did you do today in gym? Is there something about your math class that’s pretty hard? How many people do you sit with at lunch and who’s the person that you always sit next to? When you ask interested questions like that, when I tell you, these kids won’t shut up. And I want to let you know, just kind of as a last note, something that I think is really, really important.

You know, um, my middle baby Chrissy, you know, she’s 21 now, and I’ll never forget something she told me. Many years ago, and, and she barely remembers it, but it will be in my head and mind and affect my parenting forever. She told me when she was in high school, I think she was in 10th grade, that, because we hang out all the time, like I have an awesome relationship with Chrissy, I have an awesome relationship with all my kids. It’s just different, right? Because they’re all different humans. But with Chrissy, uh, we hang out a lot. Like, that was just a huge part of our relationship through high school, also because of pandemic and chemo and all that. And one of the things she used to tell me was that

it was very unusual Because she noticed that a lot of her friends didn’t hang out or talk to their parents and She saw me and same thing with Daya, my big one, Shoot, they were like, yeah We if there’s a problem or an issue will just call you, you know Like if there is if we know if we did something really bad if we got in trouble if we’re arrested whatever even if They’re with friends and someone else does something stupid, they’ll call me.

I literally got a call yesterday from my 24 year old Daya. She was calling me for another one of her friends in her sober living facility who was going through a breakup. She was like, she needs mom advice. Can you get on the phone with her? I was like, absolutely. You know, um, because that is the nature of, the relationship I have with my kids as they know.

Listen, I may still be annoyed, but that will not affect the fact that I love you and I’m not leaving. I would rather us figure it out, and then we’ll deal with everything else on the back end. So, we talk about everything. Everything. I’m sure there’s stuff they don’t tell me, but we do talk about from sex to boys to bodies to money, everything.

Even if they’ve made a decision, they’ll come to me and say, Hey mom, is there anything I’m missing? I am going to do this thing even if you think it’s stupid. But I just want to know if there’s anything I’m missing. Like, and I’m very grateful for that. I don’t take it lightly. I noticed that it started way back when and it was because of this.

And I’m saying this to all of you because I think this is really important if you don’t realize this. She told me that a lot of her friends feel like their parents love them, but that they don’t like them, that their parents obviously love their kids. They love them so much, but they don’t like them.

They aren’t interested in what they have going on. They don’t want to hear about their hobbies. They don’t care about their friends. And I want to tell you, It’s really important that your kids feel like you like them, even if you don’t. And I say that because we all know, right, mama to mama, there are moments where I am like, listen, you are making me parent right now.

I am tapping into the most triggered parts of myself, okay, to be my best self. And this is hard. And no, I don’t care about listening to, you know, your latest K pop album. And no, I’m not interested in all the drama of blah, blah, blah. But listen, when I tell you, I would sit there and listen to the gossip of who was doing what with what and who was going where and all this because what I do know is that I like my baby and I want to be aware of what is, what matters to her matters to me because I know that if she knows I’m always an ear, she’s not going to go out there and chase ears that are not actually going to have great advice because they’re not attached to mouths or brains that can say what’s necessary and so I say that to you to say, um,

middle school has been a challenge in this household. And I hardly consider myself a parenting expert by any definition. I get it wrong. I make mistakes. I’m figuring it out as I go. But I can definitely tack up a win this week. And I want to share that one with you as we try to do this life thing together.

Middle school is middle schooling, and there is nothing that is working better than me listening to my baby, holding space, but empowering her to get out there, make those calls and find her own voice. Deep breath. We’re making it happen. We’re raising these babies and we’re taking care of self. I’m glad we’re doing it together.

 

In this episode, we chat about:

• How middle school is middle schooling this week,
• What the Puffin and I have talked about when it comes to feedback,
• How to know when it’s time to speak UP,
• The lessons I’m learning from raising teenagers, and
• What I keep in mind when parenting a pre-teen in this world

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Listen to The Puffin on Season 3, Episode 3!
• Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
• Send me a DM on Instagram and Facebook!
• Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

SEASON 4, EPISODE 12

SHOW NOTES

He is back! Your favorite therapist and drama expert, Dr. Scott Lyons!

Friend, today we’re asking Dr. Scott some hard questions about why we are the way we are online. Why do we cross boundaries? How do we handle an onslaught of criticism in our DMs? What has vulnerability cost us?

Dr. Scott has so much wisdom to share. He breaks down why we feel invested in our favorite creators online and how we naturally fill in the gaps of what we know and don’t know about them.

Don’t miss this one friend and remember, you can now WATCH every episode on Youtube!

Let’s keep this conversation going over on Instagram! Find Dr. Scott at @DrScottLyons and myself at @NicoleWalters.

Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeartRadio, or watch on Youtube

Season 4, Episode 12

Nicole:

Friends, so there’s stuff going on and I had to bring my absolute fave, your absolute fave, Dr. Scott back, because we’re talking about drama again. Why? Because this is who I am. Why am I like this? Why are you like this? We’re gonna find out. Dr. Scott, thank you so much for being here.

Dr. Scott:

Omg I love you. Thank you for having me back.

Nicole:

If y’all don’t know, Dr. Scott Lyons is the author of Addicted to Drama, and he has every degree that’s ever been issued to mankind. He probably knows things about like bovine therapy, like I literally, like, I don’t, what don’t you know?

Dr. Scott:

I’m working on it.

Nicole:
<laughs> So I love having him here because we talk about, honestly, I’ll talk about choices I made or things that I’m seeing happen, but it’s always nice to have like a professional clinical eye to kind of figure out why are we like this, you know? So that’s, I have a thing I want to ask you and I’m hoping you’re interested in getting into it with me.

Dr. Scott:

Let’s get into it.

Nicole:

Okay, good. So, the thing I want to talk about is something that I have been seeing on the internet. My friend Sharon, Sharon says so. She’s got like a pretty big following. She talked about this recently, how a lot of creators are getting out of the industry, like Instagrammers, influencers, things like that, because they’re claiming mental health.

They’re just like, and not mental health, like work, you know, because a lot of us are entrepreneurs and it’s a lot, but mental health from trolls and just commentary, not even trolls, just kind of, oh, what type of curtains do you use? Or, wow, I can’t believe our kid’s hair looks like that. Things that, I think are seemingly not as mean as one would say or criticism or judgment per se, but they’re kind of inside thoughts.

Dr. Scott:

They’re crossing a boundary.

Nicole:

Exactly. They’re inside thoughts that are coming out that are making people now say, you know what? I don’t even know how to work my way around this anymore, and I just need a break from it. And so she mentioned something that I wanted to run to you.

That’s just been, it’s been staying in my head about how it may be less around the comments themselves, because we all get criticism every single day, but more around the volume of the comments.

And as someone who is kind of in this influencer space, navigating what it feels like to have people inquire about things that I am not trying to share. Tell me a little bit about that. How does the volume of negative feedback and criticism affect people in their lives?

Dr. Scott:

Yeah, I mean, there’s only so much anyone can take. And there’s a breaking point, we call that capacity, right? And then after capacity is flooding and flooding is the point where we can no longer metabolize what’s coming at us.

And we all know that like we all like I got this stresser and like this X is coming and whatever whatever whatever and all of a sudden we can’t think straight.

It’s like brain fog. We can’t sleep well. We can’t eat well. It’s like we can no longer organize ourself around our life.

Nicole:

And this makes sense to me because I think a lot of us, especially as moms, know what it’s like to feel flooded, right? To feel like, you know, especially if multiple kids, it’s like you just pray that they’re all keeping only one at a time. You pray that they’re keeping it together.

So a lot of us can understand that feeling. I think what I’m thinking of is more of this thing that feels relatively new. So when you are an influencer, share your life in any public capacity, back in the day it used to feel like there was kind of like a hard boundary, where if a celebrity had a baby we’re not talking about the kid or inquiring about the kid. Like there were just sort of unspoken rules like on the playground don’t talk about someone’s mama, you know, like that was understood right but i’d love to use the example of this um there was a recent feud between the classic, um, voice of our generation, Nicki Minaj, and just kidding. . I’m not

Dr. Scott:
I’m not sure how to respond to that. <laughs>

Nicole:
You’re like, Nicole, Nicole.. No, but Nicki Minaj, you know, and Meg Thee Stallion had a little like back and forth conflict. I don’t know the nuances. I’m approaching 40, but I do know they weren’t getting along. The young ladies were having an issue. And as part of that, someone decided to post the gravesite location of Meg Thee Stallion’s mother, and said, everyone, you know what to do.

And I think for me, the idea that someone was calling for vandalism of a gravesite and that that was even considered a rational thought process, which obviously whoever did it is not well.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nicole:

They’re not well, but that people were responding to that and we didn’t see that as a hard line. Has, have we like broken ourselves around boundaries?

Dr. Scott:

I mean, yes and yes. Do you remember the movie Twilight? And they were like, you had to choose the side.

Nicole:
Oh yeah.

Dr. Scott:
And then it got messy on the playground.

Nicole:
It got messy on the playground.

Dr. Scott:

And it’s like that, that was like, I remember seeing that sort of like feud and going, oh, this is only the beginning.

Nicole:

Oh, wow. That’s where you’re what you’re there because you’re a therapist brain. So you don’t look at things normally.

Dr. Scott:

I’m like, this is not normal behavior. The ultimate investment in something that is not our business. And this is, this is the challenge in the age of authenticity. And it’s like, here’s the deal, like back in the gossip column days, like, do you remember those days?

Nicole:
I remember those days, page six, where it was like you’re combing for one line item, like socialite scene coming out of bungalow. You’re like, But what was she doing in there? We don’t know. Where’d she go after? We don’t know. But we saw her coming out. You know what I mean?

Dr. Scott:

The suspense. Yeah, yeah, and the suspense is provocative. It pulls you in, right? And now we have in the age of gossip columns, everyone has their own social media, every celebrity has gone and transformed their social media into essentially a gossip column.

Nicole:

And everyone is paparazzi.

Dr. Scott:

Everyone is paparazzi. Well f***ing said. And here’s the issue, is like, We, uh, we both have a social media following. And I, you know, If you are in the age of authenticity, As we are, It’s calling for you to like show every part of your life.

Nicole:

Every part. I actually, like, so, so. One of the common responses to, you know, whenever people are under this onslaught, right, you know, because again, the volume, it’s one thing to watch your business or your brand or your marriage or your child or whatever, your health, crumble in a isolated way where it’s kind of amongst my family or amongst my work or amongst my town even, but to have it happen where you literally have every day you can get like on a good day, I get 250 DMs, and that’s like positive, like, just like, you know, like, just nice people chatting with me.

If I go viral, it can be in the thousands, and I, God forbid, will never find out what it’s like when people are, like, upset, right? So, I don’t know how someone can handle and I don’t know if it’s ever been in a way where someone would ever get inundated with that much at one time. It feels like we’re in a time, kind of like the difference between a handgun and an assault rifle.

Like there’s, technologically, people now have the ability to do harm in a way bigger and faster than we’ve ever had before.

Dr. Scott:
It’s rapid fire.

Nicole:
And I don’t know if our bodies have evolved.

Dr. Scott:

We cannot hold that level of attack that quickly. It’s like, you know, when we talk about healing it refers to enough time, space, permission, support.

And when it’s rapid fire, we lose the space and the time needed to process things. And then we get flooding, like I said before. And I think like, you know, in this age of authenticity, we might be promoting ourselves and sharing our lives. And then people think, Oh, I’m invested.

Nicole:

Yes, that’s a thing people say, and they actually say it as a compliment. They say we’re invested in you, we’re invested in this relationship. Girl, tell me the details. We need to know.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah, and it’s none of your f***ing business,

Nicole:

So do I get to decide? Because I always say, Look, it’s my decision. I can show you my baby every day and then decide all of a sudden that my baby does not exist. And I don’t want to hear anything about it. But people are like, No, you chose to do this. We deserve access. Can you help me understand one?

Why are we like this? That’s like, literally, that could be the theme of any time I talk to you. Why are we like this? And then two, like, are they right?

Dr. Scott:

I think it’s not fair to put all the responsibility on any particular party, right? We, there, again, this is what gets likes. This is a branding choice, right? And on the other side of it, there is like the illusion of that there are boundaries. There’s just no more boundaries because it feels like oh you can show me anything. I can say anything in response. I’m now part of your life.

Nicole:

That part.

Dr. Scott:

You know how you had those friends that feel like they can say whatever the hell they want anytime?

Nicole:

I’m that friend Dr. Scott.

Dr. Scott:

Oh I know! <laughs>

Nicole:
I regularly say, so I’m about to cross your boundaries and I’m going just remind you that you have autonomy to tell me to shut the hell up.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah.

Nicole:

So this outfit is not doing anything for you, not you, y’all. If y’all are watching, he looks great. Shoulders, shoulders are shouldering. It is coming together, right? So this is not him, but Dr. Scott, I’m telling you like that’s me, so I get it.

Dr. Scott:

Yeah, mass scale. We’re talking about mass scale, where it’s like we all feel like we have the permission. We are all your friends. If I have access to you and you are talking to me, I internalize that as it’s not just you’re talking to everyone. I feel like you’re resonating with me. If I have an emotion in my body, I coordinate that in my brain as we are friends.

Nicole:

That’s just science. That’s like hormones, like, or whatever it is.

Dr. Scott:

Yeah.

Nicole:

Wow.

Dr. Scott:

And so if I feel like we have that proximity, that closeness all of a sudden, I also lose that sense of boundary that I might otherwise go, I don’t know this person.

Nicole:
Right… So it’s so weird you say that because, you know, As somebody who’s been on the internet sharing aspects of my life for 12, 15 years, you know, I actually encourage and enjoy and appreciate that because I have what I like to call an earned relationship with a lot of people who’ve been following me since then.

So it’s weird because I’ll have people who will make comments that are clearly new. You know, and my community will say, Oh, you must be new here, girl, you know, and it’s true. And so it’s like when it’s someone who has been here a while, I do put more stock into it because I know they have more backstory in a way.

But then when you get someone who’s new, who’s just kind of like saying random things, you’re kind of like, where’d you even come from? You don’t know the details, but the truth is it’s the Internet. So like, no matter what, maybe there’s a level of boundary crossing I’m not allowing or embracing.

Dr. Scott:

Yeah, there’s always like the social avatar phenomenon…

Nicole:
Oh talk about that.

Dr. Scott:
Ok so the social avatar phenomenon came out of this article that in which there’s this man in Japan who like altered his photo to be a woman on a motorcycle. And he essentially got a shit ton of likes.

And so he started altering all his photos and lived his social presence, his avatar presence as this woman until he got caught. Now, there’s all these things that also happen that most of us are living in some relative avatar state on social media. We’re not truly showing all of ourselves. We’re showing little moments that we curate.

And so it’s, we’re not saying, Oh, I’m feeling sad or maybe we exaggerate it and say, we’re feeling sad, whatever, essentially, we feel like will, will garner us the attention. And so part of what we recognize is in this avatar state, we say and do things we would not do in person.

Nicole:
Oh tell me more about that. Can you give me an example? Because I really agree with what you’re saying because for me in the interest of being as authentic as possible, the way that I manage my avatar state, if you will, as you’re describing is delay.

Like, so I still post me. I just give it space and time. And then that also allows me to edit as accordingly, not just for me, but for my kids and for people who are in my life, you know? So it is an avatar, but it’s an avatar because it is a trail mix without the cashews. You know what I mean? Like, so like I, like I may pluck out a few things ’cause they, no one needs to catch that, but you are telling me that this is something everyone does.

Dr. Scott:

Yeah, I mean, I have quite a few patients who are celebrities and like, I am there with them in the trenches of their emotions.

Nicole:

That’s gotta be weird to like see them on social and you’re like, people don’t even know!

Dr. Scott:

No, and that’s the thing, and we’ve, and we’ve had these discussions of like, they’ll like post a selfie and it will be like this smiley, glowy, like, dewy facial that they just add in their posting, and then they come in, they’re like, I’ve had the worst day of my life, people have been attacking me all day on social media, and I’m like, can you tell me about what that was like to post that smiley photo of yourself and then to come in here, and that’s the dissonance of the social avatar versus the true self.

And we know from the research that the greater the dissonance, the greater the space between the character of us we are on social media and our true experience of ourself, the greater likelihood for severe depression.

Nicole:

Ooh, this is actually a very big deal because one of the things that I’ve received as sort of internet unsolicited feedback is, girl, it seems like you moved on really quickly, you know, like just in your life and your healing.

And it’s been about four years, you know, that I’ve been through the process of transitioning out of my relationship and into new ones and into more into myself and all of those things. So it wasn’t quick, it’s just that their timeline of when they knew about things makes it feel a little quicker but I do think it was quick in some contexts because I am who I am online, even if it is filtered or edited.

But what you’re saying is totally true about the disconnect, if you will, that can exist on some days, you know, and making a joke, but not making a joke, I’ve always set the bar really low, right? Like if you set the bar low and show people you at your most hot mess self, then honestly, it makes it really easy to be like, I’m having a rough day today.

I don’t really have much else to say. You’re not surprised to hear me say this, you know, your day may be trash too. And I just want you to know, you know, so I realized that there are a lot of people who often say to me they’re surprised at that vulnerability and it may be because of this phenomenon.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah, now I know you. And I love you and I don’t find your vulnerability performative at all.

Nicole:

Yeah. Well, because you also know in real life, you know I’m a hot mess.

Dr. Scott:
But a lot of the vulnerability we’re seen on social media is performative vulnerability.

Nicole:

Because it’s also new, by the way. Like you can actually timeline it where it’s like, you can scroll back and be like, oh, she’s really been like this for 10, 15 years. But even before I knew it was profitable or cool, this is just who I’ve been.

But you’re seeing people now who went from like, here’s my flat lay, my purse just fell on a table and it had all the perfect things in it to, I just want to let you know, mental health is real. And, you know, today I only ate one salad. Why? Because hard, you know? And you’re just kind of like, I don’t even understand cause girl, like, you know, and then you’re like, and that’s why I take such and such supplements. Hashtag ad. You’re like GIRL.

Dr. Scott:

Can we just have a moment that if you’re watching someone filming themselves crying, they had to do the setup. Y’all!

Nicole:
They set it up. And it’s so funny.

Dr. Scott:

And find the right lighting.

Nicole:

And find the right lighting and find the right angle.

Dr. Scott:
That’s not authentic.

Nicole:

And press stop record and like the thing that’s so weird about, or edit even, and like what’s weird about that is I’ve cried on the internet before because I surprised myself.

So like I’ll go on to share something and then I’m like, oh, oh, and usually it’s awkward because I’m like, I’m so sorry this is how, and then it becomes a whole thing, but it’s just so interesting to me that vulnerability and maybe you can speak to some of the science of this, of being addicted to drama, vulnerability has become profitable and I want to use another example that’s like kind of on the airwaves now.

I don’t know if you’re familiar with the new docuseries that came out following Wendy Williams. Everyone’s talking about it.

Dr. Scott:

I heard about it.

Nicole:

Yeah, it’s tough to watch and um, you know. a mixed bag, right? Addicted to drama. I watched it, you know, to kind of see what everyone’s talking about, but also wish I’d never seen it, you know, and basically it’s, you know, been recently released that she’s been diagnosed with dementia and the entire course of the filming of the docuseries, her dementia is worsening and it just hasn’t been formally discussed.

They’re kind of, they claimed that they were documenting her, her rise back into media, her return to media, but it was very clear that, you know, her condition was degenerative and worsening and anyone who is non-professional can see that there’s an issue here, in a very serious way. And I’ve seen these types of documentaries where almost, you know, their vulnerability gives you additional compassion for them and helps their brand.

But this was not that.

Dr. Scott:

Was it vulnerability porn?

Nicole:
Is that a category?

Dr. Scott:

We call it vulnerability porn.

Nicole:

It’s like trauma porn?

Dr. Scott:

It’s like trauma porn, but I call it vulnerability porn.

Nicole:

So tell me about that because now the question is, did we cross the line? That’s like a lot of the undertone conversation right now is you filmed a person who wasn’t even aware that they were being filmed because we all know the signs of dementia.

I mean, they’re incoherent. They don’t recognize people. They’re doing things like, uh, rage outbursts, uh, disrobing themselves. You know, this is someone who is, who could not have consented to their portrayal. And yet we release this, you know, and they’re under legal guardianship and they release this, you know, at what point are we saying this should never, they’re profiting off, it’s wildly popular. Well, so what is it? What is happening?

Dr. Scott:

I mean, gosh, I mean, it’s heartbreaking to even hear that. And it, and it does say something about like, why are we interested? What about the fall of other people, the, you know, the drama, the crisis, the turmoil, the stress of other people, are we attracted to?

Nicole:

Tell me, tell me, cause that is the truth. Like, tell me, why do, why do, did my viewership go up when I announced I was going through divorce? People want to see if she makes it, you know, when I get married, people want to see, will she make it, you know, like, so tell me about that. Why are we attracted to pain like that?

Dr. Scott:

Yeah, pain is, I mean, well, well, first of all, some of it’s like relatable. Oh, I, I’ve been through a divorce. I want to hear how someone else is dealing with it.

Nicole:

But the first thing they want to know when someone young dies is how?

Dr. Scott:

How?

Nicole:

So why are we like that?

Dr. Scott:

We’re attracted to essentially the, the, the crisis of it. I mean, we truly are. It’s like we, if you find yourself. Asking that exact same question of like, how did they die as opposed to how are you? What can I do for you? And it’s like this part of us that needs to complete the mystery of it and gets attached to it.

And it’s like, it’s a stressor. When we don’t have answers, when we don’t have the full complete picture, we either fill it into ourselves or we, it’s almost like something in us takes over to fill in this story.

Nicole:

Because we need that for our own closure?

Dr. Scott:

It’s called suspense. It’s a whole genre of television that, that actually goes in and uses that neuroscience to keep you invested.

Nicole:

It’s almost like we’re watching people’s lives like a movie and we want to have the closure of that scene.

Dr. Scott:

We want to have the closure, and it gets us that big rush of experience. And it’s like, do you watch the news?

Nicole:

Yeah, of course.

Dr. Scott:

Okay. That’s an interesting choice to watch the news.

Nicole:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I watch it.

Dr. Scott:

That’s some drama.

Nicole:

Also let’s talk about what qualifies as news now. You know what I mean?

Dr. Scott:

So, when you’re watching the news and you’re like, da da da da da, suspense moment, and tune back in after the commercial. That suspense is a drama technology. It’s a way of invoking and pulling someone’s attention in through stressors. That is what drama does. And so it’s like, I’m telling you something, and it’s the same mechanism that’s, you know, the neuroscience of that, that says like, oh, I lost my dog. And you say to me, like,

Nicole:

Did you find him? <laughs> This is Nicole. It’s like, no, I’m really sorry.

Dr. Scott:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don’t go to the empathy first. We don’t meet the person. Oftentimes, something in us is going straight to the curiosity and the stressor and needing to know answers to relieve ourselves.

Nicole:

Are we always like that or did we become like that?

Dr. Scott:

It’s part of the negative bias mechanism. So, it’s like, you know, for every, we’re driven in our brains to focus on the ten to more negative stimulus as a form of preservation, yeah?

So it’s like if I say to you, uh, three good things and one bad thing, it’s most likely you’re going to focus in on the bad thing.

Nicole:

Yeah. Because the good things won’t cause me harm and they’ve already benefited me, so I need to focus on this potential threat to prepare for whatever.

Dr. Scott:
Exactly.

Nicole:
That makes sense.

Dr. Scott:

So it’s the negative bias that pulls us in and we need to know the answers. As some, you know, it’s not like, it is, it’s a very Intricate system and in terms of the physiology of it, which is like it’s activating your stress is activating in my body. And so if I don’t have the tools to a recognize that or deal with my own stress, I’m going to pull it back and put the focus back on you.

So if you say to me, I’m having a really tough day and I might go, Oh my gosh, what’s been going on in your day? And it’s like, I might be using you, instead of actually going, Oh, can we pause there? I’m noticing in my own body that shortens my breath and speeds up my heart. Okay. I’m tuning and grounding my own body. I’m regulating myself. And then I go back to you, Nicole. I’m like, what, what do you feel like you need right now? What would support you? Instead I go into the stress with you.

Nicole: 

Because I get to use your drama. It feels good. It feels good. It’s like a high.

Dr. Scott:

A why always brings us on the merry go round of drama.

Nicole:

Oh, so this is so good. I want to call out another story of an influencer because I think it really ties into an element of what you said here, which is the need to fill in the gap. That like, if we don’t get the closure to our stressor to this feeling, we just want to fill it in. And there’s something that’s been said about me on the internet and something that happened recently to one of my favorite creators, his name is Michael. He is America’s favorite librarian. And this is the guy who quotes, you know, our beloved Arthur Reed and says, you know, life isn’t hard when you have a library card. He is an advocate for reading. And he’s well loved, well liked, and unfortunately, well exposed and well attacked now.

And he’s recently decided to resign from his job as a librarian and really focus on his mental health, and he shared his challenges with that. And it’s, uh, so sad, because this guy is like, you know, a gem, for all we know. You know what I mean? I don’t, I don’t, you know, everybody’s got all the things, but he seems like a great, wonderful, good human.

Well, one of the things that I kept seeing as a recurring comment, and something he actually addressed himself, that I wanted to ask about because I’ve had people say it about me was, I always knew something was up with him. Or he seems off to me or I couldn’t put my finger on it but there’s something about that kid and I’ve had people say it, you know, about me where it’s like she couldn’t be all good or what’s up with her or I always knew there was something about their marriage or there was something about her, you know, and what’s interesting that I realize at this age, you know, and on this side of things is they’re totally right because there is always something about people, but this need to fill in the blank as to what that something is seems to be where harm is happening.

Can you tell me more about that?

Dr. Scott:

Yeah, I mean, look, the phenomenon is called cognitive shortcuts. It’s filling in the shortcuts. So we fill in the gaps. So we’re only aware of like, we’re in this room right now recording a podcast. We’re actually only able to consciously take in about 20 percent of this room.

Nicole:

Oh, wow.

Dr. Scott:

The rest we’re filling in with the past or projections of the future.

Nicole:

So basically, I came in, my brain took a mental picture of the room, and I have now forgotten most of what’s in the room because I can’t afford to look around, so I’m assuming my producer’s sitting over there, and I’m assuming your PR person’s sitting over there, and I’m assuming…

Dr. Scott:

A lot of assumptions.

Nicole:
So that I can just focus on this conversation.

Dr. Scott:

And you are having an emotional reaction to your assumptions, you’re still having a reaction as though it’s real.

Nicole:

My assumption of them sitting there is keeping me calm because I’m assuming they’re doing their job, which makes me calm. However, if I were to suddenly find out they weren’t, I’d be like, I knew he would cut corners or something like that. Right? Like, it’s kind of like that. That’s, that’s really weird because you know, the brain’s complex.

Dr. Scott:

The brain is complex.

Nicole:

I didn’t realize it had such a heavy lift.

Dr. Scott:

It is. We, we really only can take in very little of what’s here and that’s to preserve

Nicole:

Sure.

Dr. Scott:

And so it’s, it’s a brilliant mechanism we have to fill in the blanks. And so we do that and everything you’re walking, like, let’s say I’m walking in the forest and I hear a rustling in the, the leaves.

Nicole:
Yeah, it’s a squirrel. Keep it moving.

Dr. Scott:
Well, I see something big and I go, it’s a bear. I don’t wait to go. Oh, I see the claws. I see the tail. I see the ears.

Nicole:

It’s a safety thing.

Dr. Scott:
It’s a safety thing. I draw conclusions right away as a form of preservation.

Nicole:

Let’s pause on that. Do y’all hear that about yourselves? We are literally all like this. Me, you, everyone else, you know, to our benefit and to our dismay, you know, we draw conclusions as a form of preservation. So people may look at their favorite creators and they are absorbing something because the thing that, you know, I’ve become very aware of, you know, on this side of divorce is that, you know, sometimes the disconnect people may be experiencing, especially like even with my kids, you know, it may be sickness, like, oh, she’s losing weight, blah, blah, you know, I knew she was taking Ozempic. Homegirl may literally be going through chemo and you don’t know.

Dr. Scott:
You don’t even know.

Nicole:

And you’re sitting here saying things that are, you know, and we always say like, you never know what people are going through, but like, for real, for real, you may actually be filling in the gap.

Dr. Scott:

We are wired to fill in the gap and we don’t do it responsibly most of the time.

Nicole:

Wow. So a lot of times we’re wrong.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah. Yes. <laughs together> Yeah. I mean, like, we draw conclusions. You look at, like, someone like that on social media and you’re drawing a conclusion and you are reacting to your conclusion as opposed to the facts and truths.

So there’s a way in which we are no longer being in our curiosity and being with someone. We are fully in our, you know, the story we have created about them.

Nicole:

Sure. Based on our own data too.

Dr. Scott:

Based on our own data and we are having an emotional response and a reaction to the story that we created and then depositing it back onto them.

Nicole:

Ooh, that’s a lot of stuff happening with you that don’t have anything to do with them.

Dr. Scott:

Yeah, that’s the drama like that. We all often see like in friend groups or on social media. It’s like we draw conclusions that aren’t there and then we can’t fight someone’s conclusions.

Nicole:

No, it’s the hardest thing, honestly, because, you know, sort of knowing that my divorce was something I chose to discuss publicly and all of that. It’s difficult because I have chosen to not discuss a lot of things out of preservation of my wasband’s right to exist and also his right to evolve, you know, so his experience with me doesn’t have to be all that he ever is and I doubt that it is, you know, I hope it isn’t.

And so knowing that I haven’t shared a lot of elements of that because I want him to have the right, the freedom and the ability to grow and change and or to have different experiences with different partners, you know, so because of that, it’s interesting because people desire to know, one of the first things people say when you say you got divorced is why they seem so happy?

And it’s like, based on what, you know, and like, and also the why part is weird, you know, so it’s just very interesting to hear that one, it allows me to extend more grace, which I think will help all of us, right, is when people are asking those questions again, recognize that a lot of it is from their biological need. And then the other side is to say, we don’t need to internalize it so much.

Dr. Scott:

Yeah. I mean, yeah, it, it’s. We are crossing the boundaries way too much into and bleeding into other people’s lives. It’s part of reality television, social media. It’s all these things and it’s affecting our cognitive ability to hold space to and be curious and not just assume that the conclusion we are making is the absolute truth.

Nicole:

Oh, that’s good.

Dr. Scott:

I mean, we know it in relationships, right? That’s where you see conclusions made like you did this and and like, oh my gosh. I was once dating someone Who I, um, I was sick and throwing up in the bathroom and they were like, you didn’t do the dishes. And like, you never do the dishes and you don’t care about our house.

Nicole:
And you don’t care if I’m tired and you want our relationship to fail and…

Dr. Scott:
Yeah and it’s rolling down the drama hill.

Nicole:

Yeah. And you’re like, woo!

Dr. Scott:

And it’s like, and you can’t fight the narrative. And when you talk about like why people are taking the mental health break, it’s because they’re drawing conclusions and reacting from their conclusions and depositing their reactions onto those people they drew the conclusions from that aren’t even real. And it’s exhausting. You can’t fight the imagination someone has that they feel is the absolute truth.

Nicole:

Listen. This is therapy right now. Like, I’m like, listen, pass the plate. So, okay. That being said, what is one thing that creators or anyone who is in any place, whether it’s the workplace kind of, because we’re all going through stuff or in relationships, what is one thing we can do to protect ourselves when the onslaught comes in whatever way?

Like, are we just supposed to, because you can’t just quit your job per se. You can’t just, you know, I mean, you can honestly have the autonomy to do that. But if that isn’t an option, what do you do to sort of either put those boundaries back or to at least, you know, heal and restore yourself?

Dr. Scott:

Yeah, I mean, like in interpersonal relationships, if it’s like you and I and you’re coming at me and it’s like clearly you’re reacting to the narrative as opposed to knowing and being curious and being with the facts, I might say, the first thing I might do is validate you. And that is f***ing hard if you’re being attacked.

Nicole:

Yes, it is.

Dr. Scott:

It’s like, oh my gosh, I’ll say to you, that sounds like it’s really exhausting that I came in five minutes late, and even though I was early, everyone.

Nicole:
I was the one that was five minutes late. I was like, don’t make it person. So okay. Okay. So tell me how you really feel now. He waited till the end of my podcast to tell me how you really feel. Go ahead Dr. Scott. <laughs>

Dr. Scott:

So that’s a beautiful example of like taking, like, I wasn’t even referring to you.

Nicole:

It felt like it! In conclusion!

Dr. Scott:

And so I might go, Oh, it feels really hard that in that moment you really thought I was talking about you. Is there anything I can offer you or do right now?

Nicole:
Tell me I’m pretty!

Dr. Scott:

You are f***ing pretty. You are the prettiest.

Nicole:

Thank you for telling people listening and with the inability to see, although we’re on YouTube now, so feel free to go back and watch all of our episodes.

Dr. Scott:

And leave a comment about how pretty Nicole is.

Nicole:

Subscribe, share.

Dr. Scott:

So I might, like, look, when someone is rolling down the drama hill like that, meaning they are building conclusions and reacting to their conclusions and reacting to the reactions, the best thing I can do is not engage.

Nicole:

So like Gray Rocket kind of.

Dr. Scott:

I’m going to say, like, I’m going to validate you like I am. I’m going to wait till you’re more regulated. And then I might say, can I offer what was happening for me?

Nicole:
Let them have their moment.

Dr. Scott:
Let them throw their f***ing tantrum.

Nicole:
That is good! That is good, because you know what’s funny? We know how to do it with kids because we’re aware that that child cannot communicate. So we’re just kind of like, okay, let them have a moment and I’ll talk to them when they’re in a better state. But we don’t realize that adults, even though they’re clearly saying words, they may still be kind of incoherently communicating the actual emotion.

Dr. Scott:

Their whole being is being driven by their unmet childhood needs right now.

Nicole:

Listen, we don’t have time. We don’t have time. We don’t have time. I’m not emotionally ready. Like, we don’t have time. We can’t, no, we, now, we’re not about to talk about the children. All of my children right now are running amok, okay? They’re not ready to be exposed. So… <laughs>

Dr. Scott:

She means her inner children.

Nicole:

Yes, my inner children. So yes, no, that makes a lot of sense.

Dr. Scott:

And that’s the thing, like when it’s dysregulated depositories of reactions, meaning like I’m just reacting, I’m throwing shit at you. I am reacting from my childhood state and not a state of presence. You cannot fight that.

Nicole:

There’s nothing there. I’m not in the room.

Dr. Scott:

There is no one to fight it with who’s in the room.

Nicole:

Okay. So I almost want to end it there. I want to, I’m not even kidding. I almost want to end it there cause I legit am over here. Like y’all, there’s something to be said for what we’re talking about here, whether it is at work or on social, wherever else, you’re fighting people who aren’t in the room.

Dr. Scott:

You’re fighting people who are not in the room.

Nicole:
Mentally, emotionally, or physically, because it’s the internet and the best way to protect yourself is to not engage, you know, and, or not engage on their level because they can’t even hear you.

Dr. Scott:

Nope, they cannot hear you. The best thing you can do is go take care of yourself, give space to the situation. If you want to stay in this space, you can say, I really hear the struggle of this or whatever it is. It does not like that is accountability. That is not necessarily you saying I am responsible for this.

Nicole:

That’s so good. Oh, Dr. Scott. I, I’ve, we’ve got to get another one in someday because this is, you have so much knowledge and I mean, honestly, I want you to get max value from those degrees and I’m here to help support you. So you’re welcome.

Dr. Scott:
I love you. <laughs>

Nicole:

You know, you’re welcome. No, this is great. And obviously you have, you have a podcast, you have all the things, your membership group, is it constantly enrolling?

Dr. Scott:
Yes!

Nicole:
Okay, great. Can you tell people where they can go and get the help they need and or pass on the link to someone who does?

Dr. Scott:

Yeah, yeah. So I created a whole platform called the Embody Lab, and it’s really opportunities to get, like, the wisdom of so many, usually body-based therapists, who are, like, all the jam in the field, like, these are the top teachers, and they have so much wisdom to impart, and I wanted to make a, like, these people are hard to get a hold of.

Nicole:
Yes!

Dr. Scott:

And I wanted to make a platform that’s accessible for your wellbeing as I possibly could. And so that’s the Embody Lab. There’s workshops, there’s trainings, you know. And I, for one, learn the most through trainings.

Nicole:

I need to do.

Dr. Scott:

Yeah, yeah. I need to, like, learn it through experiential, like, understanding. Not just being told on an Instagram post or something. So we open our trainings to anyone who wants to take the training. So like, I want to, I want to know about my own trauma. I actually go do a training in it. 

Nicole:
Incredible.

Dr. Scott:

And so like that’s that’s the platform.

Nicole:

I love that. Y’all check it out. And also, Addicted to Drama by Dr. Scott Lyons is on shelves everywhere. You can grab a copy when you go to grab Nothing is Missing, if you haven’t grabbed a copy or you’re looking for a friend.

Also, if you’re going to gift that book, passive aggressively, feel free to slide my book right on top of it to soften the blow. <laughs>

Dr. Scott:

It’s true I’ve had so much fun reading, uh the book reviews from people who got the book passive aggressively and they’re like I don’t understand why I got this.

Nicole:

It’s like, listen, read it, read it all the way. Open it up, sis. Okay. The answers are within.

And then after that, nothing is missing, except for your issues with drama. Thank you so much for being here, you’re my fave.

Dr. Scott:

You are my fave.

 

In this episode, Dr. Scott and I chat about:

• The pandemic of drama that each of us participates in,
• The state of comments on IG and creators leaving due to mental health,
• Why we feel invested in our favorite creators online,
• How we naturally fill in the gaps of what we know and don’t know about others, and
• What we can ask ourselves to process comments we receive online

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Find Dr. Scott Lyons HERE and connect with him on Instagram!
• Grab Dr. Scott’s book, Addicted to Drama, HERE!
• Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
• Send me a DM on Instagram and Facebook!
• Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
• Don’t miss our last chat where we talked about how to share your story without crossing your personal vulnerability line! Listen here or watch here!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

SEASON 4, EPISODE 11

SHOW NOTES

I’ve heard from you that when it comes to sharing your story, fear can pop up because you just aren’t sure what to share and what not to share.

In this chat we’re covering my recipe for vulnerability and the rules I followed in writing my memoir, Nothing is Missing.

I’ve got great news for you friend – you don’t have to share everything online in order to impact someone with your gifts.

I know you’ve got it within you and I hope this chat will help make sharing a little easier for you.

Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeartRadio, or watch on Youtube

Season 4, Episode 11

Nicole:

Hey friends. So, if you’ve been keeping along with me on social media, you know that I am deep in this book tour. So along the tour with all of these podcast interviews I’ve been doing I get a lot of questions about Nicole, your book is really vulnerable. You are sharing some, some moments there that and giving a glimpse into them that people never would expect, you know, moments, uh, by my daughter’s bedside while fighting stage four cancer, or, you know, moments where I am wrangling with, you know, what to do in my marriage or in my business or with my parents, you know, and I share these things, I think a lot of you have tuned in for a while, you know, over the past 12 years, it’s not really that unusual to you because you know that I’m big on sharing my journey, but the question that I often get after that, you know, is Nicole, you know, how do you know what to share and how did you get comfortable being this vulnerable?

Knowing that you never know how people are going to respond to it and when you’re writing a book, you know, I’ve mentioned this before in other chats that we’ve had. It’s like you’re writing in a bubble. It’s like you’re writing in a vacuum because you’re creating this thing over years that you have no idea what the reception is going to be when it comes out. It’s very different from speaking on stage and getting applause or posting on social and getting a comment. You know, you’re really just putting yourself out there.

And so I wanted to talk about that now and my intent on why I’m sharing sort of my perspective or recipe for vulnerability. And, and the reason why I’m such a champion for sharing stories is mostly because I recognize that a lot of people have things that they want to share themselves. They have stories and things they’ve been through. They, uh, feel called, you know, to apply their answers in areas of their expertise, you know, so whether that is with ministry or youth or, you know, other women or marginalized people, you know, there is a real desire, I think, for a lot of us who survive things to share.

And what’s unfortunate is that a lot of people don’t, especially in the age of social media. You know, there’s hesitancy because it can feel like dog eat dog out there, that you can’t breathe a certain way without getting feedback on it, that people will always make a hundred percent judgment on the 1% they know and that can be really scary and intimidating. And as somebody who has, you know, been sharing pretty openly on social media for over a decade now, um, you can go back, you know, to the beginning and see, you know, the evolution of everything. Uh, I just kind of want to share a little bit of, you know, what I know has worked now.

The first thing I want to tell you is obviously there’s no perfect anything. I think it’s always good to know and one thing that a lot of content creators and TV personalities and authors or anyone who decides to be a public figure in any way, shape or form knows is that people will have a problem with your life. You cannot please everyone if that is your goal if that is a need if you are seeking to be You know seen as the all perfect person that is adored by all it just isn’t the life for you. It’s never gonna happen and it is something you have to very quickly reconcile that you literally can say I love cheese and people will say, why do you hate the dairy industry?

You know, like you literally, there is no way to win it. So if that’s the goal, you know, just right out of the gate, none of the things I’m going to say are going to help, you know, because there’s no doing that. Now, the other part of that is also recognizing that, again, like I said before, with people making a hundred percent judgment on one percent of the information, everyone looks at your life from their lens.

They are absolutely always going to assess you based on their set of experiences, their belief systems, their backgrounds. And you know, it’s interesting because it doesn’t mean that things that you hear aren’t going to hurt, you know, because you’re still human, but it really does help speed up the process to grace and the process to internal recovery when you realize that these people don’t see you as human.

You know, like they really do. It’s amazing the power of the glass screen that when you’re on the other side of it, you become something that is distant and far away and there’s an ability for people to separate the humanness that you have from their own. And that coupled with whenever you’re someone who has had success or financial gain or, um, opportunity, there becomes also an additional sort of judgment or expectation or or something around it, you know I don’t even know how to describe it but people just are harder on you and and I don’t know where this part came from but people are hard on you and they also expect that they have like a right to do that, which leads me to my first point.

People feel like If you are sharing your story, they have a right to tear you apart, you know, or if you are a public figure or if you, you know, discuss aspects of your life that they have a right to speak to that and to offer feedback and judge and all of those things. And I think on some level that’s totally true, right? You know, on some level, if you’re inviting conversation, be prepared for wherever that conversation can go, you know, but I think that my first point in kind of sharing your story, that’s really been powerful to me and that I’ve learned over the years is no matter what you decide to share no one is entitled to any of you or all of you.

And there’s this weird thing that happens in the land of social media and authorship and TV where people really genuinely believe that because you share some, that they should know all.

And it’s an odd thing because if you look at anyone’s life, just because you share some things with your co-worker doesn’t mean they’re entitled to everything. There’s certainly some things you share with your mother, who you have a much closer connection with than a stranger on the internet, or an author, or someone on TV, and you still don’t tell your mother everything.

And it’s because no one is entitled to all of you. You know, it’s just there’s no, there’s no amount of blood tie relationship, monetary exchange, uh, presence or whatever that means that at any point in time you have to give all of yourself to anyone for any reason.

And it’s really important to retain your autonomy and your authority over your life and your power, you know, in exercising that and what you share also doesn’t subject, you know, to say that that is now in open fodder, you know, and I think that that’s another aspect of it is, um, you know, kind of my second point, right, is that I have really good friends who have never shared pictures of their babies, like they’ve never shared their baby’s face, you know, um, that is just part of their brand. It’s not something that they, you know, started off doing, but then when their child became around one or two, they decided they wanted to start sharing their, you know, pictures of their baby.

I also have other friends who have been married for 10 years, you know, and are very, very, very high profile public figures, and just shared wedding photos on their anniversary. And people are like, I didn’t even know they were married. I didn’t even know they had two kids, you know, I mean, they are intensely private.

And then I have, you know, some friends who have shared everything, you know, all aspects of it. And what’s interesting, I think the most interesting is that people seem to respond well to people who are either intensely private, because if you don’t know about it, you can’t talk about it. And they seem to respond, you know, fairly well to people who share everything, because if you share everything, then we have, you know, open game on everything.

But it’s this weird space where if you are, pretty vulnerable and pretty open, people absolutely don’t know what to do with that because there is an assumption across the space, right, that everyone is kind of guessing how much you’re sharing. You know, it’s a weird, weird place to be in, you know, where it’s like, oh, she seems really vulnerable. So we must know everything about her, you know, or he has shown up on TV in this many ways so we must know everything about his life, you know, and, um, and I want to let you know that, you know, that may be the external perspective, but for you, as someone who is called to leverage your story to change lives, I want you to know that you’re also entitled. This is the second part, right? If no one is entitled to all of you, you are also entitled to change your mind at any time.

So at any point in time you are allowed to say, you know what? I don’t want to share my kids anymore. Or you know what? I don’t want to talk about my shoe collection, you know, or you know what I want to start sharing more about, you know, this growth journey that I’m going through or I want to share more about this health condition that I’ve managed to navigate.

And what’s beautiful about that is that again, you’re retaining your own authority, autonomy, you know, personal agency. It’s not being subject to strangers, you know, but I also think that it serves as a really strong reminder to anyone who is observing how you’re navigating the world while sharing and dealing with the sensitivity of your lived experience. It allows them to see how you do it, you know, which empowers them to do it for themselves.

And then there’s always a little, you know, caveat that goes in there, which is, you know, and I think that we tell this to our kids, but we forget it for ourselves that there are going to be people in this world who have decided they don’t like you. Like they’ve just decided it, you know what I mean, they’ve decided that they don’t like you, you know, based on the grades that you get or the outfit you wear or, you know, we all, I think, sadly, most of us remember a bullying experience growing up and, you know, not that all commentary or criticism is, is bullying, you know, that’s not always the case.

Sometimes it’s just, you know, an opinion but when it does get nasty and when it is bullying, I think that a lot of us forget that there isn’t anything you can do to fix that because that’s just how some people are, you know, and I’m addressing all of these things, not because I’ve explicitly gone through them. I’m really grateful to say that. I have one of the most overwhelmingly kind and generous and show upping, you know, community in the world.

And, you know, I’m so thankful because I know you’re part of it and I am super blessed to have had the covering of just the most amazing people and I’m so thankful for that. But I also know, you know, that there’s gotta be some people who hate watch, right, you know, like there are like that’s the way it is with anyone, especially as your profile increases and I’m thankful because, you know, those people don’t say it to me, you know, and I’m thankful for that. But I know that it must exist, right?

Or that there are people who may listen, I actually, you know, I’ll tell you a funny story. I went to a dinner, you know, and I don’t want to give up too much information because I don’t want to identify this person. But this person came up to me and they came to this dinner and they actually said to me, you know, Nicole, I started watching you, you know, way back in the Periscope days, and I just loved your content. It was always so value rich, and it was always so helpful, but I have to say you’re really annoying. Like, you know, you’re, sometimes I’m very, like the person said, I’m very introverted, and like, you were just too much at times. Like, you’re a lot, you know, and it was interesting because I don’t know this person, we aren’t like friends.

We don’t like work together or anything. But you know, it was, I love to engage with people in my community. And when I will say a hundred percent, when this person said this, there was nothing malicious behind it. It was literally a simple statement of fact. If there was no ill intent behind it, you know, nothing like that. It was just a statement of fact that like, you know, uh, she ended up saying like, yeah, I had to take a break from you. Cause it was kind of a lot for a while, you know? And I was like, I get that. Like I get that, you know, cause one, I am a lot. Like, I’m a lot. It’s part of why I have a social media presence. It’s part of why I’ve been able to do TV. It’s part of why I have speaking, is because I’m not walking around in the world silent. You know, and I’m grateful that God gave me the gift of being able to stand strong and use my voice well, and I’m not ashamed of it.

But I also recognize that in different seasons for different people, it’s just not their cup of tea. I also recognize that I’ve grown and evolved in how I use my voice, my word, you know, like, you know, there, I look back on, you know, some of my most cringey moments, you know, and frankly, even in my personal relationships, you know, when a lot of people met me when I first started in social media, I think there’s a lot of forgetting of the fact that I was like 24, you know. 

And when we all look back to our mid 20s and our early 20s, my gosh, you know, the grace that we have to give ourselves because we think we know so much and how much more do we learn over the years, you know, just dealing with my daughter’s cancer alone and, you know, navigating divorce, you know, has completely changed who I am and how I show up in this world and how I interact with others and a lot of my ideals around things, you know, so, you know, it’s funny because when she said this to me, I was like, no, I get it.

Like, I literally was like, I am a lot. Like, you know, I, I’ve had to work on, You know, making sure to hold space for other people, you know, because I get so excited when I meet people and I’m so enthusiastic about sharing info and I’ve had to learn how to step back more, you know, and not be so fill the room with all your stuff, you know, like it’s, it’s interesting because I have self awareness, you know, and I’m in therapy for that self awareness to make sure I’m showing up as my best so when I heard that I was like, I get it, you know, and I, I did tell her, I’m just, I’m glad you circled back around and, you know, I’m so grateful to meet you now.

And she acknowledged and said, which was very generous of her that she has witnessed my growth over time and it was just very kind, you know, but I say this to let y’all know that like, yeah, you know, there is bullying, right? You know, where people are just like, I just don’t like your face. I just don’t like your shoes, you know, and you’re just kind of like based on what, you know, and then there’s the people who are like, look, you know, uh, you may not have been my cup of tea or we both were in different places or we had to evolve. And that’s a very real thing. But I say that to let you know that outside of the guaranteed things you will face, right?

People aren’t being entitled to all of you or any of you. It’s no matter what they say, you do not have to answer, you know, people can ask me what my bra size is and I don’t have to tell them, you know, it depends on who you are. And just because I tell them that information doesn’t mean they’re entitled to all of my other information.

And the same thing applies for you, friend, when you’re writing your story, when you’re stepping on stage, when you’re starting that podcast, when you’re building that profile and that presence, you are allowed to share what you’re ready to share, and you’re allowed to take back, you know, and change your mind at any time if there’s an element there that you are not comfortable with or circumstances have changed.

For the season of divorce, you know, that I was going through, I shared a lot less of my kids. I shared a lot less of my, you know, partner at the time. I shared a lot less of even my personal environment or what I was doing because I was not ready. And I’ll go into that in a second. And then, of course, remembering that no matter what you share, no matter what you do, You have to recognize that some people are just not going to like you.

You’re just not going to mesh with them. And that is really okay because by you continuing to exist and, and they’re doing their thing, you know, it allows them to exercise their personal agency around choosing to pursue people that do serve them. There is something to be said for, for people who continue to engage with something that gives them a negative affirmation. If you don’t like something and you’re continuously tuning into it, and I say this because I’m the same way, you know, and you’re the same way, if you find that something doesn’t make you feel good, but you keep going back to it, or you find that there’s someone you don’t like, and you keep engaging in that process, it is such a great opportunity for growth, because that is probably more telling of where you are in your life, why you’re pursuing it and what it is you think you’ll get off of.

If it’s like, man, I just, I want to watch this thing crash and burn. Why is that enjoyable to you? If it is, you know, I watch her things because some of it’s really good, but I really don’t like her. Why are you pursuing it? You know? And. When I say that I have learned so much, not just from the things that I watch joyously, but from the things that I’m like, man, I watch this, but it doesn’t make me feel good. Like horror movies, you know, I actually am not a horror movie fan, but whenever there is a movie that I watch like, or a certain series or something, and I’m like, why did I enjoy that?

Like, I really love Quentin Tarantino movies, right? And Quentin Tarantino movies are like, beyond violent, you know, it’s like, and I’m the person who can’t even watch a movie trailer for something scary without getting the EBGBs. And I had to ask myself, why do I like watching these movies? And I realized that what I like about it is his use of, and this is, you know, total tangent, but you’ll get where I’m going with this, his use of, um, different types of artistic media.

So like they kind of have a Western feel. If you’ve ever seen like Pulp Fiction or Kill Bill or any of those very popular movies, those are all Quentin Tarantino and he pulls from different genres in order to make his movies. And I just find that to be interesting because I think I’m learning more about different genres and his storytelling is very cool to me. And so I realized, oh, well, there’s a possibility that I could find someone who does things like that, but maybe doesn’t have the horror part of it or the violence. And that will allow me to enjoy what I want to see without having to watch what I don’t want to see.

And again, if you’re willing to do that self-exploration, that self awareness, you know, it can really help you grow, you know, to be in spaces that are more nurturing to your spirit and not agitating to your spirit, you know, but you as the person who’s deciding to share your story need to understand that that is their growth journey in their walk and it doesn’t mean you have to adapt anything about you.

Now I say a lot of this because I wanted to cover all the things that I know are areas of fear or concern or anxiety that are very real outcomes and possibilities and truths, you know, that you’ll face in sharing your story.

But I also want to talk about what I left out of my book, you know, um, there are absolutely stories, experiences, people, moments, trauma, joy that I have not included in my book. And when people read my book, they’re like, man, Nicole, do I feel like I got a deep dive behind the scenes look. And it’s true. boy, did I put a lot in there but the book is only 320 pages. It is not comprehensive of my entire life. You know, that is barely 10 pages for every year of life that I’ve had.

There is no way that this book has everything in it, and I want to let you know that as you are crafting your own story, as you are figuring out what you want to share in the world, as you are starting to put yourself out there, as you’re even navigating your own ideals and your own theories and what you’re learning. I want to let you know, here’s how I decided a little bit about what would make it in and what wouldn’t.

Some of it obviously was more matter of fact, how does this fit in, in the timeline, how does this fit in with the, you know, core lesson of nothing is missing that I’m looking to weave through the book. A book is still a product that’s only as good as it’s able to be consumed and transformative.

So as much as I would love to just write a documentary scrapbook for myself, you know, if I’m really trying to put this book into people’s hands to create change in their own lives, I have to be cognizant and fully aware of what I’m putting in and what I’m taking out. So here’s how I did some of that.

One of them was, I really was big on not telling stories that weren’t mine. So what does that mean? You know, because obviously life has lived with other people, you know, I’ve got daughters and I’ve got a wasband and I have coworkers and I have, you know, teachers and mentors and people that I’ve interacted with, even fleetingly, you know, there are a couple of stories that I tell about people I’ve bumped into in hallways or at conferences and, you know, how they’ve spoken into my life or, you know, all of that.

And it was really important for me to be clear about my interaction with them and what the takeaway was and how I applied it on the journey and how it’s applicable to possibly your own journey, but man, oh, man, am I really big on not even introducing a story if I feel like I don’t have enough insight into maybe their intention or how it arrived to me in that moment.

So an example of that would be, you know, I’ve got my three girls. My three daughters, you know, are now 12, 21, and 24. And this October marks, you know, almost 10 years, you know, about 10 years. Wow. Since I met them. And since I came into their world, so, you know, a decade is a very long time, you know, there is a lot of history of consistency around the relationship that I have with my girls and where we are, you know, now is only evidence of the, the depth of love and care that we put towards each other in nurturing our relationship and I’m grateful for it, but, you know, as part of that maternal care as their mom, you know, I’m very, very aware that, especially for my eldest daughter, she was a fully formed person before I met her. She was 14.

And, you know, my little one who I’ve, I’ve been with, you know, during the most formative years, you know, um, you know, since she was two, just turned three, I obviously share more of her life story, but, you know, for my middle one, you know, she’s 21, and she was, you know, well into her. Her preteens when I met her. And so when I was writing my story, it was really important for me to only speak to what I’d experienced, uh, what I knew, what I was present for, uh, you know, and not speak to, even if I knew it what their life was before, you know, even if I knew it how they felt about their mother, you know, their biological mother, you know, even if I knew it, you know not speak to things that I witnessed or experienced or overheard or encountered that was truly their private moment.

And that even includes frankly things Well after they were in our life, you know, so there’s no bigger sign of a, in my opinion, of a deeply loving parent than the willingness to stand between hurt and your child, particularly by guarding them in their privacy and seeing them as an independent entity.

And I think that a lot of times because I do share, you know, the tiny’s on our story and our journey and our fun moments and things like that on social media it can feel like people have, you know, they’ve seen, I mean, a lot of y’all have seen them grow up, you know, and they can feel like they have a lot of insight into their moments, but we share the moments that I think are commonly shared, uh, by most people.

You know, those are the moments that I’ve chosen to share. I’ve chosen to share things like prom because it has a universal understanding. I’ve chosen to share things like college moments because it has a universal understanding. I’ve chosen to share things like potty training and, you know, the things that I think are easily understood collectively and are able to be spoken to collectively.

But we have had a lot of very unique experiences and trials, you know, with navigating substance abuse or with navigating schooling and navigating relationships and choices, you know, all the things that I think every person listening here who has either gone through it themselves or, you know, has raised a child going through it, especially, you know, parents of adult children, we all know that our kids are multifaceted and go through a lot of things.

So much of that I have not chosen to share because I’m also really aware, just it like in writing my own memoir, that when I talk about my college experience, you know, I am the main character in that story and everyone around it is a supporting character. And the same thing applies with my kids. In those moments it is not for me to share how they feel about their parents or the status of their parents or how their parents are doing. I can talk about my relationship with my, you know, I fondly call her my baby mama and I love her dearly. And I’ve said that here and everywhere else and she’s had her own journey, you know, that she’s gone through that I do not talk about cause it is not my thing to talk about. I don’t own it, you know?

So it’s really important to know when you are crafting your story and when you are writing that you just want to acknowledge where are you the main character and are you writing from the main character perspective and where are you a supporting character and is that a place that you even write about because it may not be something that you know enough about in order to speak to, you know, so that’s really helped me a lot, but it also, I think, can help you as you’re reading through Nothing is Missing, both get excited about, you know, because you know that there’s more story to come.

Each of my girls is probably going to have a memoir of their own, because if there’s anything I’m empowering them to know, it’s that everything that they’ve been delivered from is a tool that they can use to deliver others. And when I tell you, you think my story is good? The story that my girls have, just the part that I know, and the part that I’ve witnessed, not even the growth and internal moments that they’ve cultivated on their own, is beyond, like so beyond that I wish I could share parts of it because just out of the sheer mama pride of the overcomer nature of my babies, there are so many things I want to share.

And they have hit like, I mean, just the past three years have been so tough on all three of them because there have been so many changes and transition. They’ve all experienced intense loss and grief in different ways. And, um, you And they are still here and still standing and they are overcoming and, uh, they’ve grown and frankly, in a lot of ways, they’re better than they were before and their book is going to be a page turner someday, but it needs to be their book.

And the same thing applies when you’re writing your stories. Another thing I don’t share are intimate moments. I think that a lot of times, you know, there are intimate moments that definitely contribute to the learning and the messaging of your story and contribute to the truth and they’re the type of things where when you weigh out is sharing this important to helping other people transform and grow, or is sharing this something that is self-serving, you know, where I am really sharing this just to get it off my chest, or if I’m just sharing it because I think it is sensational, you know?

Gosh, how many of us have read those books that felt like sensational moment after sensational moment, you know, a lot of the, there are a lot of celebrities who write these books, you know, where when you’re reading them, you’re just like, it feels like hit after hit after hit of like, you did what? And then you did what, you know, and you engage in what and you had what substance, you know, and you’re just kind of like, Whoa, you know, and it’s a page turner, but like for different reasons, you know, and you read it kind of feeling like you went on this rollercoaster, but not really coming out with any value.

And if you’re putting value in the impact of your story first, then you’re not going to be inclined towards just giving sensational, intimate moment after another. You know, I’ll personally say, and I guess I’ll go into the next one, you know, about this, part of how I know that an intimate moment is one that’s not to share is there’s a really big difference between what my friend Jen Hatmaker says all the time, privacy versus secrecy.

And secrecy is when you’re not sharing something out of shame and a lot of people will be assumptive over your life, um, you know, Even things related to my girls, you know, or even things related to your stories, you know that you share because I think it’s secrecy they think that you are not sharing that you maybe like got a DUI when you were younger or that you maybe had a eating disorder when you were younger or that you are on your 12th job because you just couldn’t figure something out like they think you’re not sharing those things because you are secretly carrying shame and if they call you to the table about that that you know, that shame will be put out on the forefront, and I don’t know what the intent is, you know, of that, but people, again, that entitlement to all of you, there is this expectation that in your story, in order for it to be effective, you have to share all of your things that you’re still working through, you know, or whatever may be shame filled.

And we’ve talked about shame before here in our chats, that it doesn’t serve anyone. It literally is not even a feeling that benefits you at all. You know, um, it’s much better to unpack what you’re feeling and why, you know, but you’re allowed to take your time in doing that. But the other side of secrecy is also privacy, right? There are some things that are just no one’s business, you know, and that is, is something that I think in our world of social media where people can literally join you in the bathroom, you know, where they can be with you in every waking moment where we have shows like Big Brother that film you while you sleep, you know, it is really hard I think, as we’ve gone through generations and Millennials are now the old folks, hey, welcome to it, right?

It’s hard for us to understand that privacy is still very much a thing. And friend you can share so, so, so much of yourself and so much of your story, friend, without ever giving up your privacy. And I hope that hearing that sentence alone is powerful to you. Um, I have had friends, especially because, you know, my fiance Alex is in the music industry and when I listen to their music and when I hear their lyrics, it almost feels like I’m seeing more of them in just that communication alone. Um, my podcast producer, you know, he is a spoken word artist and he’s very good at what he does, you know, and anyone can know that it’s amazing how much you can reveal and how much you can change and impact people’s lives with just a few lines that are carefully crafted and well placed.

It can feel like an insight to your soul and there is so much that people do in those moments, you know, that can make a connection and create intimacy. But we also have to remember that when people finally get to the point of sharing that on stage, whether it’s through the art of poetry or music, or sharing that candidly as a writer or an author, that, you know, that glimpse isn’t a permissive pass to think that they aren’t entitled to their privacy.

And I say that to you in that way, because I want you to hear that it isn’t a permissive pass to feel like you have to give that up. You’re still allowed to say, look, I don’t want to share my bra size. You know, you’re still allowed to say, I don’t want to share my food plan.

And what’s great about that is what I found is by keeping private, you know, some things that are meant to be private, you know, with regard to my marriage. There are absolutely some things that I have chosen not to share because they are simply private. I have worked through whatever I need to work through to not have shame or I have worked through and grown beyond whatever it is, you know, or maybe they’re just not that big of a deal, but they’re private, you know. Whether it’s in my marriage or my current relationship or with my kids or with my health or with my parents, you know, these are all things that I have kept to myself, you know, because they just aren’t meant for public fodder.

And what’s amazing is you can still write, and I hope you hear this, you can still write an impactful, wildly successful, you know, book and story and speaking engagement and give so much of yourself and not give all of yourself. You shouldn’t be fearful and feel like you are limited in being able to do that.

And the final point, right, you know, just quickly recapping, you know, you don’t want to share stories that aren’t yours. You definitely want to make sure you’re being mindful of intimate moments. And you want to make sure you’re level setting privacy versus secrecy, right? 

But I also want you to know that part of how I knew what to put in my book and what not to put in my book and parts of it that are not there but may be ready later is because I just wasn’t ready.

And there is a humanness in being able to see people and know like maybe they’re just not. And you are allowed to not be ready to share those certain parts of your story and not being ready can be a lot of different things, friend. It can be that you’re still working through an understanding of it in therapy.

You’re still going through the process. You know, one thing I always reference is, you know, my daughter’s cancer journey. We didn’t share not one word of that journey until she was given the all clear. And that was her decision because, you know, while I had a supporting role in that, you know, journey, and it was a very impactful one that I thought I could really help people with, again, she is the main character, you know, so we did not share, you know, um, any of that, you know, and so that was a huge part of, of not being ready and kind of figure out what, what is ready and what, what is good to share and what is not, you know, and um, and also not being ready means you just don’t know.

You know, and I think that again, in a society where people think that if you are a public figure, or if you decide to share your story, or if you step on stage, which naturally gives you a little bit of authority, you know, that you are expected to be an expert, you are, or you are even claiming that you are. And harking back to number one, even if you aren’t claiming that you are, some people are still going to assign that authority to you and you can’t do anything about it.

You know, you can say all day, you are not perfect, you make mistakes, you are not, An ideal person and people will still say. You seem to think you’re perfect using today, you know, like there’s just no getting around it You know, some people are always gonna sign that but I want you to know that not wanting to speak to things you don’t know enough about yet is allowed and it’s responsible and it is a healthy way to assess areas of your story that you’re ready to share.

So if you feel like you have some conclusion around things, you’re in a much better place to speak to it. And I think that that is, um, that was really powerful in helping me with my book. You know, there are elements of my story that, you know, especially when you come to the end and I’m not going to give any spoilers, you know, where I’m talking about sort of the chapter I’m in now and the relationship I’m in and how excited and in love I am, and there are so many elements there, but I know that I’m going to unpack even more of that, you know, in book two, and yes, there will be more books, you know, there will be a book two.

And I’ll be able to, and I’ll be ready to do that, you know, whenever book two arrives, you know, it’ll probably be in a year or two, couple years, you know, cause it’s a lot to write a book, but you know, there’ll be more in that, you know, at that time because I’ll be ready to talk about it and I’ll know more. Some of the things that I’m still unpacking that I’ll say really transparently here, you know, the aftermath of my divorce, you know, just really, who am I when the dust settles? You know, there’s, there’s still so much of that I’m figuring out.

Getting into another relationship, you know, that is interracial, you know, um, something I haven’t talked about much, but it is something that I’m going to unpack in the future when I know a little bit more about, you know, what it’s like to be in this sort of relationship, you know, that bears similarities to my past, but is also, to be completely transparent, not what I was seeking out.

And then also, you know, things like motherhood. Things like my health journey, you know, I’m still on my health journey So seeing what that looks like for a few more years to determine if the things that I’m doing in this season are fruitful. I’ve got a lot more that I still want to say and the story is still being written and I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to share what I’ve learned thus far my answers that I know so far in Nothing is Missing.

And the responses I’ve been getting, the feedback I’ve been getting the You know outpouring of love and support and understanding and grace that I’m I’ve been given in that story is just and from all of you has just been healing to my soul. When I say my heart is so full and I feel 10 feet tall. I mean it but I also want you to know that there’s nothing more important to me in putting this story out into the world and doing it the best that I can is then for you to be able to know that you can do it too.

And one part of it is, of course, me being bold and getting out here and doing it. But the other part of it is what I’m hoping that we were able to do here in this time. You know, tackling some of the biggest fears around sharing the most, you know, cherished parts of ourselves and giving you, you know, insight into what’s going to happen, you know, and, and how you need to approach it and of course, you know, returning to you and affirming your personal agency to do things as you’re ready, the way you want to, and know that there’s nothing you can do to prevent, protect, or, or keep people from having a say around your story, but know that one of the greatest tools of The enemy of bad vibes of negativity in this world is imparting so much fear upon you that you don’t use your gifts well to change people’s lives.

So friend, I know you have it in you. Be bold, share big, and know that it will make a difference.

 

In this episode, we chat about:

• How I decide what to share and what not to share,
• Why I’ve chosen to share certain things and changed my mind later,
• How you can impact others without being too vulnerable, and
• What to do if you fear you’ll be judged for telling your personal story

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
• Send me a DM on Instagram and Facebook!
• Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
• Don’t miss our recent episode about FAILURE – Listen here and watch here!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

SEASON 4, EPISODE 10

SHOW NOTES

Friend I’m getting remarried this year! Y’all have met the misterfella, Alex, on previous episodes but in this chat I want to talk to you about wedding jitters and why I’ve got them!

Yes, I’ve got the jitters and it’s not about him but about me! Coming out of a 12 year marriage that didn’t work, I’ve got questions. I’m scared I will fail. Whether it’s a second marriage, a new business, or another baby, I know you’ve been here, too, friend.

Let’s chat through how I’m handling these jitters and what you can do to live boldly this year.

Thanks for being here friend!

Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeartRadio, or watch on Youtube

Season 4, Episode 10

Nicole:

Hey y’all, I mentioned in last week’s chat that this was kind of a big one for me and it is. And, um, I say that because there’s so much that I’ve had to evaluate wanting to share as I am growing my family and getting remarried and all that jazz, but I also always want to bring you with me on the journey and if you tuned in on Instagram last week, I did a Q&A and one of the questions that kept coming up was, Nicole how on earth did you get to the place where you felt comfortable loving again being loved, getting married again, just opening yourself up to that and there are two things about that I want to address before I get into that answer that I shared and I’ve been having conversations about in the DM.

The first one is, um, I love having these chats with you because everyone here is so respectful and grace filled. So it takes a lot to share vulnerably and my intention around sharing this aspect of my life is because I’ve seen the fruit of women in their various stages, whether it is getting out of a relationship, surviving within the relationship or restarting after years being out of one, uh, from seeing someone live these various steps out loud.

So whether you do it like me or you don’t do it like me, or you are just sort of watching because you’re trying to navigate and you know what life is going to give you, um, you know, that is my intention behind sharing. I remember when dealing with the cancer journey with my MidTiny, you know, who’s now 21 and healthy and we thank God for that.

The one thing I wanted that whole time was just a mom who could say like, look, kids survive cancer and everywhere I looked, I was finding stories of sort of really random one off scenarios or stories of, of people who didn’t make it, you know, and have figured out how to move on. And I just wanted people around me to say like, yes, it’s possible.

And I don’t mean like affirming something, sort of toxic positivity style, but really in a realistic way of the highs and lows, including the difficult stuff. And I just, I hope to be that in your life. The second thing about this is I also really transparently trying to balance what I share and when I share about this relationship.

And that is because one, I feel so differently about where I am as a grown woman getting married again. My first marriage happened when I was 22, 23. I was very young. And um, you know, at least young for me. I know some people get married at 18 and it works, but for me, I was young. I was not ready. I do not regret it. I do not regret any aspect of getting married, even though, um, it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to.

But I will say I’m an adult now and I know the decision I’m making and I’m coming at it in a totally different way. And I don’t regret even sharing my marriage, you know, over 12 years or living out loud or anything like that.

But I am holding things a little closer to the vest and here’s what that looks like. The things I’m discussing with you, I try to discuss them when I have them a little bit more sorted out. I don’t like to use social media or any platform that I have as my therapy. It’s not my means to figure it out.

When I say we’re doing life together, I mean, I’m here trying to speak into your life and my goodness, you, you all speak into mine as well in a very positive and wonderful way. And, um, and that’s great. But I also am not looking for a crowdsourced opinion around my relationship.

And I’m really grateful for that because I found that when you speak to things when they are scars rather than speaking to them when they are scabs, they can’t turn into wounds again. And that measurement has always served me very well. So what that means is a lot of times when you hear about things in relation to my relationship or, uh, you know, a new development in the fertility journey, there’s a smidge of a delay, right?

Because I like to take time to process those things with my partner, my family, my therapist, my pastor, and myself. So that said, what I want to talk about today is, uh, getting married again and being scared. Being scared of what it means to become a wife again. And it’s hard to say that out loud because even though I’ve really processed through a lot of where that came from and why and what that means, it doesn’t feel good to say out loud.

Like it doesn’t feel good to say that you’ve met this man that is just dreamy, right? Imperfect, make no mistake, you know, because I never want to be the person who is painting a picture of an idealized relationship, I’ve been really good about not doing that in my first marriage. There are lots of people that I’ve learned, um, no matter what, will always say, you seemed so perfect, you seemed so happy.

But if you listen to what I said, I’ve had like five or six podcasts about how we almost got divorced, you know, uh, and then eventually did get divorced and I’ve constantly talked about the struggles and challenges in my previous marriage. So I, I never try to present an idealized, perfect perspective, but people will see you for what they want to see you for.

But same thing applies here, I do not have a perfect relationship, but I have picked a much better partner for who I am today. And I am very grateful for everything that my Misterfella is, Alex. However, independent of him, the concept of marriage has not been so great to me, right? It’s kind of like if you’ve worked in a certain field or career like say banking or insurance, feeling a little jarred about re-entering the work world after taking time off from maternity leave, not because you’ve been out of the game for a while, but because when you were in the game, you took a lot of hits, you know, and you worry about whether or not it’ll go well again.

You worry about whether or not you have the ability or fortitude to make it work and above all else you worry that if for some reason it doesn’t work out you have the strength to get through it and do it over again, the termination process, you know, and I don’t even want to speak that over my relationship again because I know that I’m meant to be a wife. I know that I’m a good wife and I know that the partner that I’ve selected and that we’ve selected each other we’ve got a really good shot at forever, you know?

And I’m deeply grateful for that and I’m going to give it my all and I am giving it my all, but I’m not so naive as to think that things can’t happen. And the reason why I say that is because I got married the first time forever. So, I’m aware of that possibility. And just that awareness of that possibility is enough to give you jitters. It can give you nerves. It can make you scared.

And I have to say that there’s something to be said. For the fact that whenever you’re reentering something that is a bold decision and a major life change or even returning to something that was a major fixture point in your life, if you’re not feeling any nerves or if you’re not feeling any awareness of the magnitude of the change, you really want to reevaluate, you know, how much you care about what you’re doing.

I think that there’s this false sense that’s often, uh, put out in, in the world where people are like, gosh, I just feel such a peace. I just feel such a peace about this decision. Listen, I feel a certainty. I feel a peace with my partner. It feels God sent and God designed. But I’m scared of marriage, you know? I’m scared of what I’ve been through. I don’t talk about the divorce process often, just because that part is even fresher than my ability to look back and reflect on marriage. But what I can tell you is my divorce was not easy at all.

I wish I could say that it was easy and amicable and just paperwork, but I don’t know if anyone’s is One of the commonalities that is shared amongst divorcees and I’m sure my ex would say about me is that in the because that’s what everyone says about everyone is that in the divorce process you feel like you feel like you are meeting someone you’ve never met before and that is commonly said by everyone, you could Google that sentence.

And what’s interesting about that is I often have felt that when you’re getting divorced, you’re meeting the person that is the reason you are getting divorced, right? Like it should affirm why you want to get divorced. That that person that you’re, that’s on the other side of the table is the reason why.

You know, you’re like, oh, well, if this is what it is, then, you know, because if you’re able to do it amicably and all that, then maybe a divorce doesn’t make sense, you know, but I don’t know. I’ve never been in that situation. So I don’t know. But, um, But that said, my divorce took a lot out of me, you know, and where it took a lot of energy out of me is not from like the stuff negotiation process, right? Because frankly, I and I can say this pretty transparently, I left with three suitcases. I was not wedded to the stuff and I never have been, right?

I’m really, coming out of being a business person, I’m into equity. I’m into, uh, the legality of things. I just want to do things right. And above all else as a mother, I really just care the most about the well being of my children, making sure that they are cared for, loved, that they are affirmed, that they have access to their parents and are well supported in that process.

So like, you know, and then of course restarting. I think every woman, you know, and this came up a couple of times in my, um, Instagram, every woman, when they’re going through the divorce process is really mostly worried about like, Hey, when this is all said and done, will I have enough? And will I have the means and the energy and the ability and the finances to pick up and rebuild and take care of my family?

And I know some of you listening right now who are there, in this process have gone through this process and nodding your head like yes, it’s literally it like I just want to be sort of done with the person I want to mind my own business and I just want to move on, you know? And the biggest part for me was again not worried so much about that because the ability to make money and work hard is something that I have work ethic, you know, so I don’t panic about things like that because I have work ethic, you know, and I will always figure it out one way or another.

And if for some reason I can’t, you know, it won’t be for lack of trying, right? But the part that I think is, uh, was difficult for me during that process, you know, leading up into deciding if I want to get married again was that it was always on the back burner. Like, I could not fully commit myself to anything because I always felt like in the back of my head I had this thing I was waiting for completion from.

Kind of like if you have a family member who is struggling with a certain mental health or medical or health diagnosis and you’re kind of waiting for that, uh, medical thing to be complete, you know? With a divorce, the part of it that is so difficult is you’re reliant on a person that you presently don’t get along with to assist, comply, and help in ending something that at a rate or a speed that you may desire, you know, but that they may not be aligned with, you know, and, um, and that’s difficult, you know, it’s difficult because you would think, oh, we’re all mutually on the same page about getting this done as quickly as possible and yada, yada, yada, and that just may not be the case, you know, and so it can go on.

I mean, Halle Berry’s divorce went on seven years, you know, and especially when large amounts of finances are in play, like divorces can go on for years. And so can you imagine having to deal with, you know, at least in terms of the major-ness in your life, the equivalence of waiting for a diagnosis or a cure to a situation for two years, three years, four years, seven years, um, even though you learn how to live in the now, which that was another question, how do you, what do you do while this is happening?

You just live. Right? You have to live. You have to live. You cannot put your life and your well being on hiatus for years and years and years while you wait for a shift that is outside of your control, right? So I got really good at living. I am still gonna build. I’m still gonna mom. I’m still gonna love.

I’m still gonna take care of myself. I’m just gonna keep living because I can’t let this thing on the back burner that is totally out of my control keep me from living. But it’s still there, you know, and all that being said, it is not something that I would wish my worst enemy through. Nobody likes divorce, nobody chooses divorce, nobody wants divorce, um, and it is not something I wish people through.

So knowing that I just went through this process and the idea that I would re-enter the thing that is required to, I can guarantee that I will never have a divorce again if I never get married again, right? Like, that is the one way, it’s almost like, if there was a way, like, if they’re like, you will never get lung cancer again if you never smoke a cigarette, right?

Like, I bet you money people like, oh, I’m never touching those things again, right? Like that is, you would think it’d be a no brainer. And maybe this is just one of the beauties and wild things about humankind is that we’re willing to put ourselves through the pain. But you better believe that I am over here like, holy cannoli, I can’t believe I’m doing this again.

And again that emphasizes what I said in the beginning. It’s not the man I’m worried about. I would scale Kilimanjaro for Alex because he’s worth it, right? But the marriage is, it was just, it’s just really terrifying. So here’s what I like, I went obviously to my therapist and to my pastor and premarital counseling and, you know, like all these pieces just to make sure that I was hitting all the marks.

I realize, and here’s the part that I really hope is transformative to those of you who are exploring love again. You know, after kind of having your hearts closed or, um, I might just say it because we girlfriends here, still in the marriage or in the tough relationship because you’re afraid to get out because you don’t know if you can find someone else or you’re worried about having to do that dating process again or whatever else.

I just want to let you know the transformative thing I came to was that I was measuring my future as if it were the same as my past. I was saying to myself that I only know how to be married one way and I know how that ended up and I am afraid that this is going to be the same.

But the truth is whether it is your marriage, or your career, or your second business, or your next child, the thing I never want you to forget, that I had to be reminded of, is that you get to bring all of your knowledge, mistakes, and lessons, and every single piece that you had from the thing before, into your new experience.

The you today is not the same you that is meeting this new moment. You are actually better. If anything, this should encourage you to step into new opportunities. If you have been on maternity leave for however long and you are now like, gosh, I have to get back into the work world. I feel outdated. I feel out of place. I don’t know, what did I miss? Listen, the person who started the work world before the baby is not the same person who’s going back in because you’re bringing all of your experience from working years before, in addition to your new skills around scheduling, navigation, parenting, prioritizing, having a baby changes you and it can change you for the better and it is valued.

I want you to know that after talking to my therapist and really spending the time where, I’m not kidding, my therapist always said to me, to my face, she said, listen, you are scared about a hypothetical and you’re afraid to choose the right hard. Both sides are hard. Are you going to be single, be by yourself, knowing that you have a calling over your life to have more children, not that you can’t have children single okay. So no judgment there for those of you who have explored that option or have had by choice had to live that option. But you know, you want to have more children, you want to be a wife, you see that for yourself, that is something that is clearly called over you.

So do you want to live in the hard of knowing that your fear has kept you from embracing what you’re supposed to be and what you know you’re supposed to do? Or do you want to choose the heart of facing it, applying what you’ve learned? Which can we just be honest, learning the lesson is Hard work, but doing the thing that you’ve learned is even harder. And that is the thing most of us run away from.

I can’t tell you how many people I’ve had, hey, hey boundaries, had in my life that were really good at admitting what their problem was and not so good at doing something about it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I have a real problem with, you know, with maintaining a schedule. I have a real problem with holding myself accountable. Yeah, so what are you doing about it, right?

So quick example of this. Me and Alex will get into it. I wouldn’t say like what’s nice is we don’t have like big huge arguments and they’re always like communication based, you know, like where it’s like I thought you were saying this and it seemed like this and this was my expectation and I need to know how it’s different in the future.

And what I love about our arguments, which sounds like a crazy sentence, is that they are very predictable in our format. It’s part of why I can find comfort in marrying him because we do hard stuff together really well. Not because it’s happy hunky dory all the time or I think he’s smoking hot or anything like that. Like part of why I know and I feel really good about marrying him is because of how we do the tough stuff together.

So recently, we had a disagreement. I’m going to be completely honest. I can’t remember right now what it’s about, which I think a lot of, um, us can remember this, but I remember it was a, it was a kind of a fiery one. I’m trying to remember what it was about. It was kind of fiery, but basically we ended up having to take time off for, Oh, Oh, I remember what it was. And I’ll tell you, and hopefully he doesn’t mind because he’s not here. But we were, we had like a date night and I remember that he was working in the studio on a project, I think it was like a commercial or a movie or, you know, a song for a commercial, something like that.

And we had a date night scheduled and I cherish our date nights. Like, Um, not only because I really, when I tell you, I love spending time with Alex, we have fun. It is enjoyable. It just feels so good. Like I love being with him, but also we both have very busy schedules so date nights to me are like force field boundaries cherished, right?

But recently what I’ve been feeling in our past couple of date nights that we’ve had was that he didn’t really want to be there. And I’ll dive into that more. I felt like every time we would have a date night, like his attention was split and his desire was like less than a hundred percent to be there.

And I never articulated it, but I knew that going into every date night, I would feel kind of stressed, like, and I was feeling this feeling of like, am I just not going in relaxed or, and I would, that stress would bleed into, you know, well, what is the activity we were doing? Or, and sometimes we’ll to go do like archery or hatchet throwing or, uh, go see a movie or sometimes we’ll do dinner, but our date nights are usually like a thing, like it’s fun. We’ve done like obstacle courses, like, you know, we just, we have a really good time together but every time our date nights would have a little bit of tension in them, that was like not good.

You know, like we couldn’t just like relax, you know, and it would be like, Oh, we’re showing up a little late. It was just like this weirdness. And I remember feeling to myself, like it wasn’t always like this. We know that we enjoy each other’s company. We’re still doing the date night, but I don’t feel like we’re enjoying them as much.

And what happened was our most recent date night that we had, we ended up like at the end of it all me just being like it’s date night, can we just like put our phones out and just be in it? You know cuz I felt like he was looking at his phone a lot and I was just kind of like what the heck you know, like are we supposed to be interacting blah blah blah and then he was like his response to it was like you’re always telling me what to do or something like thatiIt was kind of like that energy and I remember being like but we’re on date night like it was like one of those type of coupley skirmishes, you know and we ended up being so frustrated that we were just kind of like fine and like didn’t talk.

Now this is, and when I say didn’t talk I mean for like basically the next morning he kind of like left for work, I left, like that whole thing, you know, and we kind of, I call it our cool down period. So this is kind of how our disagreements go. We start off with whatever the thing is that happened and we’re all kind of like we try to talk through it in the heat of the moment but frankly we’re both too hot about it and and so it just nothing really happens conversationally and then we end up kind of reaching a peak where we’re both really frustrated because we’re not communicating well and then we end up taking maybe a couple hours to not talk about it and then we’ll text and we’ll say hey you know can we talk about this and then we’ll come back to the table with much cooler heads and and sort through this is what it felt like it meant and this is what it felt like it meant and then we’re a hundred percent better at the end of it.

So that’s our sort of like cycle of hard stuff conversation so we’re in this cycle of hard stuff and what I did differently here was I was looking at because in the past I would often really discuss What happened and I don’t know if all guys are like this, but they usually like to talk about the scenario what happened here in this date night scenario, so he was very focused on I Don’t like when you’re telling me to put down my phone because we both use our phones for work and you know yada yada yada and and sometimes you have to check in on things and I usually in these disagreements will focus on explaining my thought around the action, what I did differently That was a lesson that I learned from my previous marriage and from therapy and that gave me additional comfort in knowing that this marriage will be different, was that I applied what I learned which was look you can spend all day unpacking the singular situation, but there’s a feeling behind the feeling.

What are you really feeling Nicole? And I just said it out loud and it was a feeling that I used to be scared to say a lot Of my feelings in my previous relationship because I worried granted and not granted that my partner may not be receptive to it and so in this, but that’s not Alex at all. Alex cares about everything about me, whether I, you know, if I’m happy, if I’m sad, like he wants to always know. And so trusting that, you know, I said, I actually feel a lot of pressure on our date nights cause I feel like you don’t always want to be here. I feel like you always want to be a little bit somewhere else and when you are in your phone during the date night, it makes me feel like that’s affirming that feeling, that there’s someplace else or something else you have going on that you want to be doing.

When I tell you he looked at me and he looked, the best way I can describe it is like crestfallen. Like his face looked crushed and I like, I feel terry about it thinking about it. He looked shocked and devastated and all this and immediately when I saw that face, I was like, Oh my goodness. Not only is this not how he feels, but he really is like, I can feel it in my body now. Like he is like really hurt that I would think. And then he says in so many words, he says that he’s like. I love being around you, you are my favorite person. Like, what are you even? I can’t believe that’s like, you know, and then he’s like, I am so sorry that that’s how you feel. And then we proceeded to have a whole conversation about what was really going on, right?

The feeling beneath the feeling, which was he works a lot, you know, and he has this career that is, you know, for lack of better words, you know, blowing up like he, you know, is doing really well for himself. He’s selling songs. He’s commercials like this is he’s a producer, you know, and he’s doing really well for himself, but it requires hours in the studio. It requires networking and he also feels additional pressures around, uh, becoming a dad and he’s already a stepdad and he takes that responsibility really seriously. Like he handles pickups and drop offs and breakfast time and managing a family and his work is something that’s new to him. And so when date nights would come about, it’s a priority, but he couldn’t shake the fact that he also is aware that he has to put in hours in the studio and just navigating that balance has been difficult for him.

And I heard. All of that, you know, and I heard all of it with the greatest love and I understood it. And if anything, it meant so much to me. And, you know, we were able to both kind of come to, well, this is what I can commit to, you know, for date night. This is what I can commit to. And we were able to solve the problem.

But when I tell you that disagreement and the solving of that hard, did so much for my fear in marriage, because it was another reminder that forget the person I’m with. I have changed. I am not the same person getting married. Just like, you know, going into my business now and adding my free Fridays, which I talked about last week, you know, where I have that opening in my schedule for wellness and self care to make sure I can sustain, cause I do, you know, high powered work that is really demanding.

I have changed. The same person is not arriving in these new moments. And I want to let all of you know that if you haven’t had the chance or you know to engage in there because I recognize that that’s a privilege It’s really hard work, you know, and it’s expensive and not all of us have that access but you know, we do have access to self help tools and books and I know we spend this time here today. I really want you to explore possibly writing down some ways where you’re able to say to yourself Look who and what have I learned, you know in the previous season I was in, that I can take into my new season.

Meaning as I’m deciding a job, what will I know that won’t work for me that I’ve learned from my previous job? Is it the type of hours? Is it the style of manager? Is it, you know, the location, the commute, the drive? What in my new relationship do I know needs to be different? And I want to let you know that if the only thing you’re writing.

Oh, this is about to be a real moment. Some of y’all right now will be like, Oh, if the only thing you are writing. are a list of things that need to change about the other thing, then that’s even more of a sign that you have more exploratory work to do. Because you can’t change other things. You can change yourself, right? That is like lesson number one about control.

So you’ve got to be able to say to yourself, well, who do I need to be coming into this moment? And have I developed those attributes? And do I feel comfortable? So for me, a big thing that I had to work on in my season of single prior to even engaging in the concept of dating.

So I had this huge window, you know, that I didn’t talk about too, too much, you know, so maybe that’ll be a conversation for another day. But in my season of singleness, I worked really, really hard on boundaries. And I worked really hard on, uh, how that fit in into the shape and design of my life. Um, I struggle with boundaries, struggle, struggle, struggle, struggle, struggled.

And, um, and even now I still feel boundary pangs, meaning I can feel where I would have typically pushed on my boundaries, even though I now have the ability to affirm them. I also have certain people in my life that are better at getting at my boundaries, you know triggers than others, right?

And so it’s learning how to manage all of that but I knew I could not enter another relationship until I learned more about boundaries around people taking too much for me, using, disrespecting, exerting, you know allowing people around me who may not be asking of me but in their behavior are our takers. There’s just a lot that I’ve had to learn about that.

So in all that boundary work, I was better prepared for this relationship. So really going through your list and saying, look, what do I need to work on? And I will tell you, especially for those of you seeking a partner, the minute you start working through that list, I don’t want to overpromise, but I’ll tell you, you’re more likely to find someone because people are attracted to people that they see doing the work.

People that they see exploring, you know the growth points. if you’re someone who’s saying I really want to like part of my season of single was was finding hobbies because it was really important for me that in any union or partnership I was in in the future that my life was not solely consisting of being a wife, being a mom, and being a business owner.

I needed to be something for myself and, and in doing those hobbies and in getting out more, I found my partners, you know, so like listening to live music and. going out. Um, I picked up snowboarding and rollerskating and just, you know, things that I really didn’t do before. And some of you may not know that I do now, you know, but like, you know, in engaging in those activities I met people, which then led to getting out.

So, you know, for, for so many of us that are moms or in sort of second chancers when it comes to, you know, dating in the world, we don’t have hobbies. Our kids are our hobbies. Our lives are hobbies and that’s not really anything that is a hobby. That’s, you know, a job, a duty, a privilege, but you know, it’s not a hobby.

Saying all of that, really explore that list and know that you will get so much comfort from realizing how much growth you’ve done and clarity from really realizing where you need to grow more because the tools to accomplish those areas are available in podcasts, in books, in therapy, in prayer, in getting out and doing that work, and you will have a lot more clarity around when you’re ready to get back out there and your ability to take on a new relationship.

So I say all this to say, I still have a little bit of wedding jitters, you know, um, will everything work out right? Will I buy the right type of shoes that won’t sink into the grass as I walk down the aisle? Will my dress get tangled in his feet during our first dance? Will I fumble my words during our vows? Will we continue to solve things and have the time to talk through and follow our communication process when we have a hard thing on the back end?

Will date nights still happen? I got a lot of questions, you know, but all those things I can’t control, you know, marriage is tough, you know, and life changes and I don’t know what is to come but what I do know is that the person that’s at least here today and the person I’m going to continue to work on in the future is ready to take all those things on. And she’s armed with an arsenal of new, well-earned knowledge from 12 years of a marriage that didn’t work, you know, that can help transform her future. And I’m not the only one. You’re in the same boat too, friend. So get out there and give it a shot. You have everything you need and nothing is missing.

 

In this episode, we chat about:

• Why I’m scared I will fail in marriage again,
• What I’ve done to get past this fear,
• How I’m using everything I’ve learned to live boldly, and
• A story of a recent fight I had with the Misterfella that reassured me!

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
• Send me a DM on Instagram and Facebook!
• Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
• Don’t miss our recent episode about restarting our resolutions. Friend, it’s never too late – Listen here and watch here!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

SEASON 4, EPISODE 9

SHOW NOTES

Friend we are in the THICK of the new year and it’s time for a check-in. We may just need to restart those resolutions!

In this chat I want to share a 3 point method to evaluate how you’re progressing through your goals this year. You know this method is full of grace so if you’re in a headspace of just surviving, there’s a place for you here!

Together let’s recalibrate the goals we set at the end of 2023 with the reality we’re experiencing in 2024. I’m here to do the work with you!

Let’s continue this conversation over on Instagram @NicoleWalters – let me know where you’re at and what small thing you’re focused on right now.

I am so grateful to have this place to connect with you each week – thanks for being here friend!

Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeartRadio, or watch on Youtube

Season 4, Episode 9

Nicole:

Hey y’all, we are thoroughly into the new year and I just want to jump into it. I’m really excited because I’m getting married this year and I keep getting asked in all of my interviews, uh, which if you’ve seen some of the press that I’ve done around Nothing is missing. I’ve been really fortunate. I was on Sherry Shepard. I was on CBS mornings and the number one question that I get asked, Oh, and this week I’m going to be on The Talk on CBS.

So if you have a chance to catch me, I’ll be on The Talk this week. And every time I’m sitting down with these guests, the number one thing they ask me is at the end of the interview, Nicole, what do you have coming up next? What are you looking forward to? And it’s this weird thing that I think so many of us feel pressure around because whether you’re going into that school reunion or you’re seeing that group of moms that you haven’t seen in a while, in LA in particular, you’re expected to kind of have this like paragraph of stuff you’re doing.

Like as if the things you’re doing in the day to day are not enough. Like you have to be like, oh yeah, but I’m looking, you know, I got this project that I’m working on or oh, I’ve got this other thing I’m doing and it’s this really weird feeling.

And I think some of you may relate to it. Some of you don’t fumble to try to find something to fill the gap. And I’m so impressed and proud of you. But for those of you who are either in the industry or feel that pressure, filling that gap is real, where you want to say you’ve got these other things going on for some reason as if you’re expected to just be busy, you know.

And at the top of the year, I’ve had to reconcile, I just got back from Norway and, uh, follow me on Instagram, at Nicole Walters. You can keep up with my, this African is in Scandinavia. What is she doing journeys over there. But, I just got back from Norway and, you know, I’m fully back in the new year and I’m, I felt so much anxiety around answering this question.

And I don’t know if you relate to it, But it’s tough, because here’s my answer. Here is my real life true answer. Nicole, what do you have going on this year? Sure, I’ve got some TV projects in the works. I’m very excited about that. I’ve got some things that I filmed in, in sort of pilot-y form, uh, with Oscar winners that I’m, that are, you know, being discussed right now at major networks.

That is super exciting. Yes, I’ve written this book that is a New York Times bestseller. I could talk about that all day, because it is in your hands. It is incredible. But here’s the truth. Home girl is home. That’s what I’m doing. I am being a mom. I am getting married. I am hoping to grow my family and have a baby. That is what I’m doing this year.

And believe it or not, that’s a lot. Like that’s a whole lot, you know, it’s um, it’s a lot to be a mom, it is a lot to start a new union on the right foot, particularly coming out of one that, you know, has taken so many years to heal from, you know, and honestly, you’re always kind of healing from anything that you have to grieve and mourn.

And then, obviously, getting pregnant, the process of getting pregnant, having another baby, like I probably am going to be the first person in the history of TV to be asked the question, So what new project do you have going on? Cooking a child. That is my project. Okay, that is the thing, keeping the ones I have alive, alive, and then making a new one.

That is the thing I have going on and it feels like a project. And I realize that I have to reconcile that other people’s expectations around my level of busy, around what I have going on, around what they feel are worthy endeavors for my time cannot be measured against what I know is worthy for my time.

And that’s really what I wanted to extend to you is that, you know, we’re officially at the point, statistically, where so many people have fallen off their resolutions. And if it hasn’t happened thus far, you know, we’re on the clock for the next two, three weeks, you know, for this thing to be the case. And as you’re, you know, now saying to yourself, Nicole, where have I been with my goals?

Where have I been with my resolutions? What, what have I really accomplished? Because life has come rushing in, you know, the kids are back to school. I still have responsibilities. You know, I’m not making it to the gym. My eating has fallen off. I, you know, cause those are always people’s top resolutions.

You know, I haven’t been able to put as much time in my business. How are you feeling with that? You know, did you make those resolutions based on what you actually wanted or did you make those resolutions based on what you felt was expected of you in an area of improvement? And I want to extend to you that you have a right to one, give yourself permission to not feel obligated to stick with whatever it was that 2023 you thought you had to be.

Like you’re allowed to change. You know, you’re allowed to evolve, especially once you got in and you realized life was giving you something different. Like maybe the kids, for instance, uh, the puffin. Recently signed up for cheerleading and this is her first, uh, regular school activity because she’s in sixth grade.

So, you know, middle school is the beginning of where as a parent you start losing your time and becoming a chauffeur. You’re just driving them from activity to activity, friend date to friend date, you know, whatever. And so she signed up for cheerleading and this was not on the bingo card for 2024. I had no idea that I was now going to have to make room for cheer practices and football.

I mean, she literally came home and was like, mom, I signed up for cheerleading. This is happening. So we’ve got fittings, we’ve got activities, we’ve got late practices and all these things are bleeding into scheduling things that I thought I would have. And I know what I’m saying right now is reaching in a place where you’re like, girl, yes.

Right? Can we just take a pause to be like, listen, Nicole, you’re right. 2023 me thought I would be able to do this, this, and the next. And 2024 me is realizing it’s not giving what I thought it was going to give. Right? I want you to take a moment right now to pause, breathe in, breathe out, and just give yourself a heaping dose of grace for recognizing that you may have to make some shifts.

And for me, one of the biggest shifts is just letting go of that expectation that I was going to be this crazy rock star running into the year. That’s okay, but we still have things we need to accomplish. So like I said this year, you know, I’m getting married and I’m super excited about it. And I’m actually going to talk about this more next week.

So make sure that you, um, if you don’t already subscribe and download this regularly, I do not want you to miss next week’s episode. Um, I’ve been dealing with, um, a few emotions around getting remarried and so many people have asked me about sort of that journey. How did you start falling in love again, like feeling open to love, uh, knowing that you wanted to recommit to marriage, uh, you know, dating, and then eventually the actual marriage.

And as this, you know, day is approaching, I am Dealing with a lot of different feelings around that but I’m going to unpack that in an entire episode next week just kind of keep you on that journey if it’s something that you wonder if it makes sense for you or You know, if you’re someone who’s ever wondering what’s it like to jump back into something whether it’s the work world a career a new friendship, whatever this really applies It’s around choosing your hard because life is filled with hard and and I talk about it in the book in many different ways but I’m gonna talk about it in relation to new relationships next week.

So tune into that but With all these new endeavors that are very big and life altering coming up. I Absolutely have to grant myself some more ease, you know, and I just want to extend that to you as well. So here’s a couple things that I’m doing to sort of recalibrate and reset my expectations and I want to give this system to you in a simple three point method because I found that it’s really, really transformative in allowing me to restart my goals, recalibrate my goals, and, and hopefully actually achieve them, you know, within 2024.

So the first thing is obviously grace and ease if you haven’t hit where you want it to be. It’s okay. You’re not perfect. Neither am I. And believe it or not, statistically, we’re all the same. It is time for us to look back on it. But even better, statistically, you are different now because so many of us do not take time to acknowledge this.

We just let the goals fall off. We get six, seven months into the year. We realize we aren’t doing what we wanted to do and that is that. So the fact that we’ve been taking this time right now, you’re already ahead of the game.

The next thing is, I want you to carefully assess where you actually are this year. What is your year giving? Does it look like the kids are in more activities than you thought? Does it look like you, you know, going to the gym sounded like something that was great, but waking up at 5 am ain’t it? You know, does it look like I thought I would get in an extra 30 minutes of side hustle time every day after school? But I realized I have a preteen who comes in every day after school amped up and It takes me an hour and a half to get her wind wound down. That’s a real thing and you did not anticipate it, but life is giving that.

So I really want you to look at what your life actually looks like. So many of us when we’re goal planning in the year prior, we fantasize about what we think we can be without really experiencing the reality of it. So now that you’re in the reality of it, I would love for you to look and say what is my year giving without any critique, without any judgment, just what is actually happening, right?

What do I actually See, am I a caregiver? What is happening? And just really make some notes of what your day actually looks like and then and this is the biggie that has really helped me. Pick one or two things. Instead of thinking that you’re gonna do this major overhaul for your life. Oh, I’m gonna lose a hundred pounds. Oh, I’m gonna make a million dollars Oh, I’m going to do instead of this big major overhaul pick one or two simple things right down to I’m not kidding y’all for me it was researching fertility options It was so easy for me to say, make a whole baby. That is a general goal, but gosh, if the one thing I do this year is get in and get my numbers and figure out my fertility options and, and make some decisions around that, that is tremendous for my well being.

What that will do to advance me and move me forward is huge. And that’s what I mean when I say pick one little thing that if you were to look back in 2025 and say, I’m so glad I started that. I’m so glad I had that information. That was a step in the right direction. That was different from the year prior and just make moves around that instead of trying to be this big overhaul because it just isn’t realistic and honestly it’s why we get into this place where we start feeling like we’re losing accountability or like we’re not hitting where we’re supposed to be or uh honestly we start feeling a little bit of shame or grief or remorse or guilt and that just keeps us even further from our goals.

So simple three point method. Grant yourself some grace. It’s always a good place to start. Look at where you actually are, the reality not the fantasy and then really start picking out some singular small goals That you can apply that’ll move you forward in a meaningful way. Now Those are the three things you can do by yourself but the last one is to pick a safe person to share it with. Someone who you think might be on that journey or interested in supporting those goals or may be able to do them with you now I have a really good friend that I’ve made recently, uh, here in LA and I say recently, but it’s been a couple months, but, um, we became fast friends because she is so, we have a lot in common, just in terms of our backgrounds, we’re both, um, you know, children of immigrants and we both are hard workers who’ve come from nothing and support our musician fellas and just are moms and we just have a lot of similar and shared values around how we approach the world in a loving, caring, servant driven way. Um, and we like that to be seen and not just how we treat people, but also in the work that we do. And I just, I love her to pieces and I’m so grateful she’s in my life but what’s awesome is she’s also my friend who has free Fridays.

And let me tell you about what free Fridays are. So in my business, it has always been a goal for me to be able to take off my Fridays. You’ve heard me talk about it before and part of why I hit burnout, if you’ve read my book, you know, where literally my body started breaking down, uh, was because I was working. Gosh, six, seven days a week. So there were some months where I wasn’t even taking weekends and I’m proud to say that I’ve been able to really embrace my free Fridays where I have a day that I call my runoff, catch all day.

It’s my day for wellness. It’s my day for doctor’s appointments. It’s my day to do charity work. It’s my day to schedule meetings or whatever. It’s just a day where I do not allow myself to be scheduled to capacity so I have room to put things and if it’s open I can use it for myself. And I just encourage all of you, if you can’t get a free Friday, give yourself a free 30, you know, give yourself a free hour, you know, whatever it is trying to fit in time where you’re able to say, look, I know I always have this window on Thursday, that’s open for whatever’s important.

So she also does free Fridays and having a friend that I can share my goals with for the year, um, particularly around things like, I need to make that fertility appointment, or I’d really like to take up hot yoga, or, um, I want to do pottery, you know. We’re both kind of in this together, and it’s really been special because, one, it also ties in with my goal of focusing on my relationships.

This year making them even more intentional because you know, it was a and I can talk more about this in a different episode but it was a particular prayer that I had this year about what really matters and it’s not growing my business it’s growing my family, growing my relationships, growing the people that are around me and in doing that, everything else will flourish as well.

So, uh, knowing that I have this friendship every Friday that I get to touch base on and with intentionality cause it’s not easy. Like, we are both sort of giving up our Fridays because we’re committing to spend time with each other, but we see the value in return of that. But we’re spending those Fridays holding each other accountable to do activity, to engage in wellness, to explore new hobbies like pottery or roller skating or hiking or surf lessons or whatever, you know, and at the same time, challenge each other to pursue the things that matter.

So, you know, where I may be giving her a little push around, you know, a business venture, um, or support or advice there, you know, she’s giving me a push around family things or support and advice, you know, for showing up as a musician’s wife, you know? And, um, It just is a real blessing. So I encourage you as sort of your final point as you pick these little milestone goals to get an accountabilibuddy, you know, someone that you know in your life, maybe pursuing something a little different. You don’t have to do it with them, but someone where you have established a regular check in where you’re able to say, look, going into this year, I thought I would tackle this thing alone. I’ve kind of smallerized my goal and made it a little tinier, but I’d like to establish regular check-ins to make sure that I’m able to hit this goal or at least make movement towards this goal.

And friend, I have to tell you with all of it, and this is really important I think for some of you to hear, we all absorbed the goal setting conversations at the end of the year. We all bought the planners, we all got the, you know, organizational things, and not too many people are still talking about it at the tail end of, you know, January which is why I always try to be your friend who’s buzzing in your ear about something that you may not be hearing elsewhere to kind of keep you in the game. But I also want to let you know as just sort of a final note if this past year has been one where it’s really taken it out of you, and I say this coming out of divorce and knowing that if you’d asked me about my 2021, in my early 2022, I would not have wanted to hear anybody’s narrative around goal setting.

I just want to be really transparent. You can go back and listen to those episodes. Those chats that we had back then, you can read the book and know what I mean by that. And some of you are living it right now. I know for a fact that some of you are hearing these steps. And because you are doers, right?

You’re like, okay, well maybe this will help me make progress. If you have gone through something particularly trying in this past year. I don’t know why I feel a little choked up about it. Maybe because like I really, the heart and the compassion I have for those of you that are simply celebrating having survived and thriving feels so far away, I want you to know that you can take note of these things. But I want you to know that if just getting by and just surviving and just making it this year is the goal kind of like just me trying to become a mom again and getting married, you know again full circle in this conversation I don’t want you to feel like that’s not enough.

So this year may not be about a big, huge, forward moving, drastically different leap. This year may be about getting good, feeling healthy, restoration, and I want you to know wholeheartedly that that is enough. That is completely and entirely enough. I’m proud of you for making it, and I’m proud of you for making it, and I want you to know that that’s enough for 2024.

So, friend, we are in it. We are in the thick of it all and I would love to hear more about where you are in your goal setting, including if you’re like, girl, I have fallen off. Do you know the quantity of cheese I’m eating daily. Like listen, hit me up on Instagram and the DMs. I love hearing from you. I posted this on social, a little snippet get into the Into the comments on Instagram and let’s chat through and as always I am here, I am in your corner.

If I’m in your town for a book signing event, please come see me. Give me a hug I want to hear from you. I want to do this journey with you and more than anything I’m grateful that here is one place every single week where we get to do life together.

So make sure you tune in next week. I’m gonna be sharing some pretty big things, you know about this upcoming wedding and about remarriage and about love and about trying again, but doing it boldly. And I can’t wait to do these things boldly with you. I’ll see you then.

 

In this episode, we chat about:

• Why so many of us need to recalibrate our goals (already!),
• The 3 point method I’m using to make progress this year,
• How to know if the goals you set are the right ones, still and
• What to do to restart your resolutions

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
• Send me a DM on Instagram and Facebook!
• Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
• Don’t miss our recent episode (one of the all-time favorites from Season 1!) about the power of girlfriends – Listen HERE!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.