Worth Every Penny

Worth Every Penny

by | May 23, 2024

Worth Every Penny

Y’all we need to talk about today’s money. You know the money that just doesn’t seem to last as long as it once did? In this chat we’re talking about how to make decisions that are worth every penny.

This mindset shift around money has informed the way my kids make money decisions and how they view their time and energy. This belief, if you decide to take it, will help you to realize the value of YOUR dollar.

Thanks for being here, friend. Slide into my DMs @‌NicoleWalters with how you’re handling today’s inflation and still getting all the value out of your dollar.

Nicole:

Hey friends, so I don’t typically do episodes where I’m talking about business related things or mindset things. Usually we’re just catching up on life and the happenings and all that good stuff. Like if you caught last week’s episode I was chatting with my dear friend Myesha Chaney about all the transitions and changes that happened in divorce and how she’s managed to be a public figure and still land on top.

And the week before that I was chatting all things business. with the Misterfella, but it’s time for us to have another one on one. And in this chat I wanted to talk to you about something pretty meaningful. It’s a shift that happened in my life and it’s one that honestly people come and visit me in Los Angeles to make this shift.

It’s something that I do for business owners, for everyday mom and dads and honestly, any good friend that I have. It’s really important that during the time that we have our friendship and you know, as they’re trying to accomplish their goals, that if I’m able to impart this belief on them, that they’re able to see the fruits of their labor.

So friends, I want to talk to you about knowing your own worth now. Now freeze. Hold on. I know that you have all heard conversations like this already, right? I feel like it was something that became really popularized maybe a couple years ago, maybe around like the pandemic y time where you would hear all over the internet, charge what you’re worth, get paid what you’re worth, your worth is this, your value, money issues, money fears, manifest, all of that.

And I want to tell you. A little bit of column A and a little bit of column B is true, right? We all absolutely deserve to be paid what we’re worth, but column B is true too. We do need to understand quantifying our worth. We need to know how to calculate what is actually reasonable based on the skills we bring to the table, the way that we show up, how we’re going to perform, and the best use of our time.

And that’s what I wanted to chat about. I wanted to chat about two things that I’m seeing happen. One, In this internet space, as well as in this crazy economy. what’s happening with worth. We’ll start there. And then I want to talk about how maybe you can make some small shifts to reflect on how you’re thinking about your worth and maybe even pass them down to your littles to really help make sure that your time, effort, and money is going where it needs to go.

So the first thing is this, y’all, it is expensive in these World grocery store, raising kids, childcare, everything streets. Am I right? What is going on with inflation? I mean this economy is bananas. Now, if you are one of my clients or one of my students or you worked with me, you know that we’ve been talking about inflation coming.

We’ve been talking about recessions for over six years. So what’s awesome is anyone who’s ever worked with me, we’ve always looked at the numbers. So this is not news to us. We actually expected it and we prepared our businesses and our lives for it because we’ve known that these higher numbers were coming.

So I know that for a lot of us, it feels like a gut punch. But you know what? A lot of people don’t realize is that. When we went through the pandemic, a lot of the political legislation and the numbers were modified to help us get through that time. That’s like the simplest way to put it. So what it did was it pushed back something that was already an economic situation that was going to come.

Anyways, we were already facing a recession, but it actually ended up getting pushed back a bit. And now we’re looking at really feeling the full force of what was to come. Prices were artificially low. There are a lot of extra money in people’s pockets, but realistically we’re living in a time that I’d like to say, I wish I could say was unavoidable, but this is part of the natural cycle of economies.

But Oh, it does not mean that we are not all feeling the pinch. I mean, between interest rates around mortgages, my goodness, and rent prices like what are you what is happening and then food cost? I mean everything that is essential right now is so Costly and I say all of this to say that I really identify and understand particularly as a mom who is solely Financially responsible for her children and for herself and for her businesses and I mean obviously I’m in a relationship with the Misterfella who you know covers his share of bills and we’re in a two parent household But I mean It is us, you know what I mean?

There ain’t nobody coming to save us. And I think a lot of us are, you know, nodding our heads the same way because we know what it’s like to really be the adults in the room, you know, and sometimes kind of wonder what the heck, right? But the thing that I think a lot of us can relate to and identify right now is around value.

And that’s the first part of the shift that I want to make. One, I want to talk about how we’re seeing and experiencing it every day. And then of course, again, worth related to value in relation to us. So let’s get into this value part. So the other day I was out to dinner with the Misterfella and he was joking because we went out to a steak dinner and if you don’t know, I love like high quality meals.

Right, like I’m, I’m a girl who, sure, I can get down at Olive Garden on, you know, some soup and some breadsticks and salad. Like give me the special, I will go in. I don’t need fancy pants meals in order to enjoy myself, right? Like that is the truth of it. Like you can catch me on the couch with some Easy Mac.

Like it is the real deal. But if I’m going to pay for a meal, when I go out, I often like to have nice dinners. Like, and I’m very particular, partly because I know how to cook. So like, I know what the ingredients are, you know, and if I’m paying for something, I want it to be delicious. And so the Misterfella knows this.

And we were out to dinner cause I had a steak craving. So teeny bit of Nicole trivia. Um, What I can’t cook is a steak to save my life. Feel free to DM me your best steak tips. Seriously, because I, I don’t even buy them because I struggle with making them and I really like them to be perfect and perfect to me is well marbled, medium, rare, tender, just delicious.
So I’d rather just go out and get one. Well. We go out and when we go out to get steak, it’s really funny because we have two different perspectives around it. So I grew up, as you all know, in particular, if you read my book, nothing is missing. I grew up not having much, you know, I grew up in a family that never went out to fancy meals.

And if we did, it was red lobster. Um, and you know, and honestly, Red Lobster with the cheddar biscuits. That’s really, let’s not sleep on Red Lobster, right? But I still go to Red Lobster, but that said, you know, we just never went out like we didn’t vacation We just had nothing extra and you know, uh, the Misterfella, my Alex, he, you know, grew up in a family that did really well. His parents are lawyers and he, you know, Had nice meals and had nice things, but ultimately he’s a pretty average Average income person, right? He does well for himself. We call it California poor where in California You can make six figures and just doesn’t really go anywhere, right?

So when we go out he wants to order a tomahawk porterhouse his rule is, if I see white space on my plate, what happened? Like that is the energy, right? And he’s like, and it tastes good to him if he is stuffed to the gills. That is his measurement of a good meal, right? What were the portions like?

Am I stuffed? And was it reasonably delicious? Right? I, on the other hand, come from the other camp where I’m like, look, I don’t care if it is four bites of food. Let it be the best four bites of food I have ever had in my life. Like give me the fancy pants, Michelin star meal, like three courses of two things on a tablespoon that I will just never taste anywhere else in my life with like the most crazy of flavors, right?

That’s, that’s the camp that I’m in. So when we go out for steak, he’s the guy who’s ordering the porterhouse and I’m the girl who’s ordering dinner. Four ounces of the A5 Wagyu fancy pan steak that’s cooked to perfection, right? And it’s so funny because we’ll spend roughly the same price on our meals, but the portions look totally different.

And Here’s where I think it comes into play for all of us. It’s starting to feel like no matter what we pay, we’re seeing a lot of white space on our plates. And that’s where value comes in, where it feels like, and I think a lot of us can verify that it is happening, where we go out to a stores and for the same thing that we purchased before we’re getting smaller portions or where we go out to get a service and it’s shortened time, or if we go out to get something that is being, uh, delivered to us that maybe the additional enhancements that kind of were part of the process Now have a price of bump or an increase. And it’s, it’s interesting because it wasn’t always like that. I mean it truly wasn’t always like that. It used to feel like we were in a situation where we were getting the most value out of everything that came. I mean honestly I remember growing up in the days where we would share like, oh this is such a great value, go out here.

Or there was always a place where you could take your family and know that you’re going to get a great high quality meal, home style, fill your plates, you know, some that take home and the price has never changed. But now. If I go to the local taco shop, I feel like on one day, those tacos are a dollar.

The next day, they’re 2. The day after that, they’re 3. 50. I mean, that is what inflation looks like. And it feels like the portions just get smaller while the prices go up. And I want to pause on that for a sec, because I think a lot of us can sit with that and understand it. If you’re anything like me. You don’t mind paying what something is worth as long as you feel like it got good value for your dollar.

Am I right? I don’t mind if I have to pay for health insurance, if I feel like it’s going to cover the things that I’m dealing with and it’s going to work when I’m there and then I’m going to have access to the best medical care and then I’m going to have to go to a hospital that’s in my neighborhood and see a great doctor that’s going to spend time with me.

And I don’t mind paying the cost associated with groceries. I don’t. I just wish that there were groceries that I knew would last the entire week. And I didn’t have to do a mid week re up on the milk, bread, fruits, and veggies. And I wish that everything in my fridge could be organic and healthy for the same price I’m paying now.

I as long as I know what I’m getting is the value for it. And what’s so difficult now is it feels like, and honestly, and I think in a lot of ways, and I think many of you will agree, you know, it feels like the value is not in alignment. And that’s really difficult because it makes a lot of us sit here and say look some of these things are non negotiables You know, um, I shared a little bit on Instagram if you are keeping along that Puffin our little one who is turning 13 this year y’all 13 what is happening?

Some of y’all have met me recently but If we have been in this internet space for a while and you’re a long time internet auntie, you have known Puffin since she was literally three. Y’all, we are a decade into this and as she’s starting to really develop into her own personality and she’s really becoming a truly a young woman, you know, she, uh, is an introvert, you know, and, and I don’t say that as a negative thing at all.

It is, it is, she is truly. And I say, and the reason I say as a caveat that I don’t say it as a negative thing is because being an introvert is really tough in your teens, in a world that really celebrates and elevates extroversion as like the prize within teens. And I mentioned that because it’s not that I share those values necessarily.

It’s that. It’s all about when you watch like Disney and stuff, it’s who’s the lead in the play and who’s the popular girl and who’s the star of the show. And, you know, It’s tough because I’m raising a girl who is not interested in that and that what I mean by that is she is very Confident and very aware of what she has to offer the fact that she is smart capable well rounded has tons to contribute She is not insecure.

She is not shy. She has all the thoughts all the pains like most introverts Most of them like where it’s like I’m just sitting in the room and taking it all in and I will insert myself where required And if someone needs to run it, I will do it But for the most part I like to just watch what’s going on, right?

And all my introverts right now are like exactly right, you know Like you’re not the first one to run out there and make a scene but trust you know What’s going on and that’s very much who she is, but it’s tough because you know The people who get seen are often the ones with the biggest mouths and not necessarily the ones that are most qualified and that’s difficult for her.

So one of the things we’ve had to recently invest in is private school because we wanted to make sure that she was in an environment where the class sizes were smaller. Currently, uh, she was in public school for a short time during our transition to California post divorce and, uh, And she was in a classroom of 40 kids and shout out to all my teachers.
You know how much I love you. God bless you. God bless you and keep and cover you for handling. And then these kids are not what they used to be, lord! They’re not what they used to be. So God bless and keep you. But when I tell you, She just felt dwarfed in that environment. She said mom. I just we don’t even get any work done There’s just too much happening and I understood it.

I wanted to make sure she was an environment where she could shine, but y’all Private school not just in LA. I mean when she was in elementary school in particle She’s a middle school now when she was in elementary school in Georgia private school was 25, 000 A school year, which I know is for some of y’all you’re like that’s not that bad for other ones You know that that’s like a deal basically and that was maybe four years ago.

We paid that no three years ago in Los Angeles it can be anywhere between 30 and 50, 000 a year for private school And that is, I mean, when you think about that and those costs, and I’m also hearing that, you know, college educations are now hitting up on 100, 000. And for those, for those of my parents who know we’re making the sacrifice, we’re doing what we need to do because, you know, the kids come first.
You also understand that covering those sorts of expenses, in addition to all the things that go along with it, the activities, the sports, you name it, the camps, the tutoring, the everything, right? It is costly. But isn’t that a great example, though, of where the value seems to make sense? Where we’re able to say, you know what, I will always find a way, even though this is like, I’m feeling the, the tightness of this.

Because the activities, the sport, the way it nurtures, especially for kids in a great school, where you’re like, they’re really developing into themselves, you see the value. I’m really struggling to see that in other aspects of my life. So one of the things I’m doing to approach sort of what’s happening in the economy and how we’re handling it in our home and in our lives is I’m really teaching my kids about value. That’s the first thing because growing up, how many of us just learned, you know, like the cost of an item is a dollar.

Right, or the cost of this thing is roughly five or whenever you would leave the home. If you’re old school like me and you grew up with kind of old school or immigrant first generation or southern parents, you know this never leave the house without some cash in your pocket, right? And then they would throw you a fiver or a ten or a twenty because you just needed a little bit of cash in your pocket, but that number always kind of represented This’ll cover a taxi, or this’ll cover a meal, or this’ll cover the ability to get from A to B, or a bus fare, or something.

But now you really have to say to your kids, hey, here’s the debit card. Or, am I loaded into your Uber app? Because prices fluctuate. And we, so it’s about the value. So I’ve really started focusing and shifting with my kids when it comes to interacting with the outside world, same shifts that we’ve had within.

Look at the value of what you’re getting. Now it’s not that I never taught them this before, of course I always taught them the importance of value, but I’ve really started driving it home in more areas than just the value of an education or the value of an experience over items or the value of relationships over material goods.

I’m really starting to drum it down to, hey, when we go to the market and and We’re trying to figure out what our personal values are. If it really matters to you that you are eating a vegan, vegetarian, organic, um, non processed diet, then you’re also going to need to look at maybe learning how to cook so that you can bring down your cost of eating externally and also make the most out of your meals.

Um, you know, these are some of the value based lessons based on the cost of food that I’m starting to shift to my kids. Another value based lesson. is teaching my kids about meal prep and cooking in larger quantities and using that to prepare your meals for the week. So while I know that meal prep is something that’s all trending, I mean, just check out the hashtag on TikTok.

One of the things that I’ve always grown up with, you know, because for those who’ve read the book, I went to boarding school. So I lived in a home of 12 girls. And so we always kind of cooked in large quantities. And, uh, I got to tell you, It’s stuck with me my whole life and I’ve always had big family dreams and God being so good But with my adopted babies, you know, I’ve had a big family, you know, and so, you know What we would do is on Sunday, we would cook most of our meals, you know And we usually would try to do maybe one pasta in the fridge, one sort of like stir fry or sauce based things.

So it might be like a chicken and broccoli, or it might be like a Indian Korma mix with the chicken base. Uh, we’ll do a vegetable. So it might be like a broccoli or, um, I do a thing called a squash medley where I’ll do a zucchini, a regular squash, and maybe some roasted potatoes. Things that reheat well will last the week and, um, are still tasty.

And honestly, some of the flavors develop while they’re in the fridge. And then we. always have because I’m Ghanaian. Okay, come through African. We always have rice in the fridge, just white rice, because white rice is a base level component that can go with everything, right? So, and then maybe like a meat.

So I might grill up some, some chicken breast and chop those in there. And then we buy like a box of salad greens and keep that in there for quick meals. So all this will happen on a Sunday and I will load up the fridge with these giant Tupperware containers. Of these different meals and then through the week, we’ll portion it out.

We’ll have different meals, things like that. So if you follow me over on Instagram, I’m going to post some photos and things so that you guys can see a little bit of what this looks like. So you can understand how we do our family style meal prep. Now, I also want to let you know, this family style meal prep has nothing to do with calories and macros and diet plans and portion control or other things.

Anything like that and I don’t say that to knock anything I will there is obviously the side effect benefit of when you prepare your meals like this Naturally, your family’s gonna eat home more naturally. You’re gonna eat fresher naturally You’re going to you know benefit from whatever comes with eating your meals at home, you know Like that is a natural thing, but it isn’t our priority, you know, and and I don’t say that because health isn’t important I’m just saying that I’m not trying to fixate on any sort of food things with my babies in that context.

But what I am doing is I’m actually showing them how much we save by cooking larger portions up front. So when I make my meals like this, I can buy the family size packaging of of chicken and meats and large quantities of vegetables from places like Costco, cook it all up front where it doesn’t go bad or pre portion it out into the freezer, rather than buying things individually in smaller amounts and at a higher cost.

Now, It’s amazing because as you all know, I got my babies 10 years ago or our babies 10 years ago. And that means that I have had an 11 year old and a 14 year old living in my home, teaching them life skills, things of that sort. And of course my three year old who’s now 13 who’s still with me that whole time.

But I now have a 22 year old and a soon to be 25 year old that are out in the wild. Out in the world, out in the wild, going rogue, and I can actually see the fruit of what I taught them. So in teaching them the value around buying bulk, cooking at one time, and prepping for the week, I’m seeing them employ these very techniques as they are entering the world in their early 20s where they’re more responsible for their expenses and saving money compared to their peers.

While their peers are out here dining out, Eating honestly in a less healthy way, you know, like because it’s harder to integrate some of those fresh things or have quick access to those food and then also Spending more because they don’t have food prepared in advance. It’s a time management thing as well I’m seeing my kids actually live this value based lifestyle lifestyle and it’s changing everything for them and they’re able to actually explain to their friends like look I do this because I feel like I’m getting the most for my money when I can buy a larger portion of rice that’ll last me longer rather than going out and buying things a little bit at a time especially in this economy where you’re not getting as much as you used to get before.

So yes it does mean on Sundays we are in the kitchen for probably a solid two and a half hours with everyone chopping, cutting, prepping but we do zero food prep during the week and it is very self serve for the kiddos if for some reason I have to do another task or You know, we’re popping in quickly after work or whatever They’re able to get in there portion things out on their plates heat it up and still get a hot nutritious meal on the table that is balanced and and delicious and and good to eat and Easy on the pockets.

That doesn’t mean that we don’t Uber Eats a couple times a week just because we feel like it. Sure, we do. But at the end of the day, the math is mathing. Now, that’s where we’ve made some shifts with the value in relation to how we interact with the outside world. But I also want to talk about value within.

And value within has to do with how we manage our time. So I was having a conversation this week with Alex when we were taking our laundry to the wash and fold. Now, I don’t know if you’re familiar with wash and fold services. Um, if you’re not, I’m going to tell you what they are because if you have one near you, you may want to look into it.
Now, growing up, my mom used to take our clothing to the laundromat and it was because we lived in an apartment building in Washington, DC where they’re only, I think, if I recollect, I’m literally mentally counting right now. I think there were three or four laundry machines and Three or four dryers for the entire building and they were quarter operated and I remember growing up that you know It was maybe 1 to wash and then 1. 50 to dry. And I do remember over the time that we lived in that apartment building, which was you know, from my birth all the way to age 12, so 12 years in you know, DC that the price went up from you know, 10 a quarter. I imagine when my dad moved in in the late, mid to late 70s, all the way to, you know, the 90s where I remember my mom, you know, spending upwards of 10, you know, to do laundry, including the cost of soap, detergent, things like that for the whole family and the $10 part of it, can sound kind of give or take now again, those were 90s dollars, right? You know, so 10 bucks in the 90s is you know, what 50 bucks now? At least that’s what it feels like but you know What I really recollect were that laundry days in our family were whole day occurrences We spent from dusk till dawn Hauling our laundry out, getting everything done, wash, fold, dry, prep, and hauling it all back.

I remember the sheer exhaustion on my mom’s face, and I remember the deep boredom that I felt as a kid. And I gotta tell you, It will never leave me and I will always be grateful when I have a washer dryer in my own home. Because it is something that my kids don’t even know. They don’t even know what laundromats are, you know, because we’ve been so blessed to have them.

And when I tell you, especially for those mamas out here and for those of you who still utilize laundromats the community washer dryer, I know what it’s like to have to. To do that, to save quarters. I look at quarters now and I still hold them as prized because I have that, that memory. So right now, based on where we are in our life, between me managing multiple businesses, you know, we’ve got a family here.

We’ve talked a little bit about how me and Alex are prepping for babies. So we’ve got a lot of things we’re doing over there on that side, fertility conversations. Plus we’ve got this kiddo. We have a lot going on and we’re really busy and we just don’t often have the three to four hours between washing, drying, folding, putting away to take care of laundry.
And in the past I’ve had live in help to assist me with some of these things but ultimately right now it just doesn’t make sense for the budget. I would rather use that money towards paying for school, investing in properties, investing in businesses, or just downright saving it. And where I used to think gosh, it’s nice So we still have cleaners that come in to our home about once every two weeks But we don’t have live in help and we don’t have people that come all the time And I know for some of y’all like it’s still very much a must be nice girl It is super nice and the privilege is not lost on me but I will also tell you as someone who Runs a multi million dollar business and is a ceo of multiple You know, lines of work, it is very unusual to not have more help, right?

Like, like I have a lot of peers and clients in this space that have Nannies and staff and all that and I do my cooking. I sweep my floors if my toilets need a quick cleanup I’ll do it myself because I’m in the house It’s just having grown up the way that i’ve grown up. It’s not beyond me and I thank god that I Have never lost that ability and I feel totally capable of doing it.

But it is also about the value of your time and that’s what I wanted to bring you to. So we go to the wash and fold and we’re dropping off all of our stuff and when you drop off wash and fold, if you’re not familiar with it, a lot of laundromats have them. Some dry cleaners have them and basically the way that they charge is that there’s a flat rate per pound of laundry.

So you just pack up all your stuff. You don’t need to pre sort. You don’t need to do anything else. You drop it off and they weigh it and they give you a of your laundry. So your laundry I would say an average pretty hearty load like I would say two garbage bags worth might be 15 pounds of laundry if you’re talking, you know, a couple pairs of jeans Maybe a jacket or two things like that and then your standard clothing sweatpants.

You name it might be 15 to 20 pounds Well in Los Angeles, which I’m sure is on the pricier end of the market that might run you between 40 to 50 bucks to do but I want to be clear that 40 to 50 dollars will encompass all of your laundry washed sorted dried You bring no products, no soap, no bleach, no anything.

And you just get called, you pick up your stuff and you got to put it away. Now, pause, raise your hand. Putting it away is the awful part for me. Let’s just keep it real. My laundry can sit in a basket because oh my gosh, who’s going to do all this. But that said, Whenever we get our laundry back, so I just took over I think 70 pounds of laundry because I’ve been traveling So it was like let me take over all these clothes and get it all done at once and the cost for me to do 70 pounds of laundry was a hundred dollars now again It is not lost on me the privilege to be able to spend a hundred dollars on doing my laundry but when I went back and did the math on it knowing that in the Easily, five to six hours it would have taken me to do this laundry, plus the cost of doing the laundry, plus the time of doing the laundry.

And when I say cost, I mean detergent, and soap, and gas cost, and electricity if I did it at home versus going to laundromat, coins, like all of that. When I think of those six hours and what I can do, what I can do with six hours, I could pitch clients, I could close new business, heck, I could literally have a dinner with clients and close additional business.
Think about this, friends, mamas, what could you do with six hours of your time? Even if in those six hours what you do is rest, is 40 not worth that time? Is 50 not worth that time? Even if what you’re saying is I am so behind on this laundry that it has become a weight on me. That I, it is a stressor.

Gathering it all up and taking it to the wash and fold so that task is completed. What would happen to your brain if you had the mental space of knowing that time was now yours back? What would that do for you? I have to tell you that that’s what I think of when I think of value. I recognize that a dollar is a dollar is a dollar, and when you have car payments, gas, milk, food, kids, a hundred dollars is nothing to sneeze at.

I know what it is like to wait for that check to hit direct deposit at 7 p. m. and know that, you know, that overdraft is going to be solved and you can still use your card before that other fee hits. I know what that’s like, but I also know what it’s like to say this money was worth It was worth my peace.

It was worth my ease. It was worth it. Recently, I’ve had to cut a lot of checks. Y’all know divorces are expensive, okay? There is no divorce that ain’t gonna cost you a coin, right? Because lawyers are not cheap, right? The process is not cheap.
Time off of work isn’t cheap. Managing two households isn’t inexpensive. But understand that nobody engages in any process whether it’s building a business, getting a divorce, getting married, buying a home. Homes are expensive aside from all the mortgage and stuff cost, the maintenance. We all know but it’s an awareness of the value that it’s gonna be worth it.

So what I want to challenge you for, what I want to encourage you to do this upcoming week as you are feeling the pinch in the economy, as you are examining the value around every dollar you spend, is really look at it and say, Could it be worth paying to get my mental freedom back, my peace of mind, my time?

Is it possible that if I hand it off this task, something as simple as getting my laundry done for me, because maybe I can’t have a full team come in, but having the cleaners come one time for a hundred and fifty dollars is a game changer for me. There are online booking services that will come in and they’ll come just one time do a deep clean and the piece you will get will change your life.

Maybe you’ll work more efficiently. Maybe you’ll get that job. Maybe you’ll eat better for the entire week and you’ll have more energy. Whatever it is, it’s gonna be worth it. And that’s where the real value is. It’s in taking care of yourself and building for a better tomorrow.

In this episode, we chat about:
  • The internal and external changes I made with my money mindset in this economy,
  • Why you’ll find me cooking for hours every Sunday,
  • What I’ve taught my girls in relation to value-based financial decisions, and
  • How to decide what is worth it and what IS NOT
Resources and links mentioned in this episode:
  • Let’s connect on Instagram HERE
  • Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
  • Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
  • Myesha Chaney went through a public divorce and came out thriving! Don’t miss our chat – listen here or watch here
  • I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!
 More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Should You Get Divorced?

Should You Get Divorced?

by | May 20, 2024

Should You Get Divorced?

One thing we have to get good at is making choices; choices that are in alignment with who we are and where we are going.

Easier said than done though, right? In seasons of transition and growth, making the right choice can keep us up at night.

Friend, if you relate to that, this chat with ‪Myesha Chaney‬ is for you! Myesha has a fool-proof system to help you make better choices and to get unstuck.

From TV star to starting over post-divorce, Myesha’s life has given her the opportunities to grow and align herself with who she needed to be, for herself.

Don’t miss this chat where Myesha shares how you can discover your built-in values, make better decisions, and realize your next season of life!

Thanks for being here to do the work, friend. Connect with Myesha and I over on Instagram at @‌MyeshaChaney and @‌NicoleWalters.

 

Transcript

Nicole Walters: Hello, everyone. So, I have gone through some major transitions in the past couple weeks. Um, I’m planning for a massive wedding. And by massive, I mean I would be content to get married with like three people present and we are having a hundred people there.

Nicole Walters: And I am excited to go on a honeymoon for two weeks and I am excited about all these big things. So if you’ve been following along on Instagram, you saw the That I, uh, went wedding dress shopping and just so many big changes are afoot. And if you heard last week’s episode, you also know we’re prepping and planning for baby, which is, I mean, you know how I am.

Nicole Walters: I like to do it all and I like to do it big. But the number one question that I’ve been getting in my DMs during this process of everyone seeing me dive full on headfirst into my, you know, newer, fancier, better aligned life is, Nicole, how did you know? When your marriage was over, like, how did you know that it was time to step out?

Nicole Walters: And I know that this comes up a lot because so many of us are in places of transition. And when I say step out, I mean, not just your marriage, the job, your marriage, the friendship, you know, like even being a mom, I’m stay at home. How do I know I need to return back to the workforce? And all this boils down to is just big decision making.

Nicole Walters: And I know how I make my decisions. It’s really and truly not something I struggle with. I may struggle with the anxiety and the nerves around moving forward, but I don’t actually struggle with the decision itself, right? Like, I figure it out. I add some plan to it and I get moving. So, I decided to tap one of my dear best good friends who is brilliant.

Nicole Walters: She is smart. She is wise. She is a star of Preachers of LA that aired on Oxygen. I know everybody watched it. We all watched it. And, um, there was like the Atlanta franchise, the Chicago franchise. And so she is, you know, TV star. She’s an author. She’s written an incredible book called Hidden Behind the Lipstick.

Nicole Walters: She is just everything and anything that you would need in a best friend, in a wise counsel. I mean, heck, she has been a first lady of a church, so she can help us. Figure out her full, I mean, she has a foolproof system to help you make better decisions and to get unstuck. So, I mean, this is my go to.

Nicole Walters: Maisha, Chaney, thank you so much for being

Myesha Chaney: I’m so, I just heard that introduction and I’m like, Oh my goodness. Is she talking about me?

Nicole Walters: Yes, it is. Because listen, you’re the first lady of a church. And so, you know that you get everything. You get everything from we want a divorce. We’re having a baby. We’re thinking about moving. You want to start a business. People come to you.

Myesha Chaney: Yeah. And it’s been something that I’ve had to manage for a long time.

Nicole Walters: And see, and that I think is one of the things that so many of us lose sight of, is that when you’re in that role as the, you know, that counsel, there’s so much pressure also around how you make decisions and how you carry yourself. So it’s not just that you’re giving advice, you’re expected to manage your life a certain way too.

Myesha Chaney: And that there are consequences when there’s a misstep.

Nicole Walters: So let’s talk about the misstep. We’re just going to jump right in here. So we are both divorcees, right? Congratulate. And it’s so funny because you know, we say that and we clap and we laugh about it. But I think what we’re celebrating is the fact that we were able to make a decision to live a life that’s more in line with us and honestly, what God’s called over our

Myesha Chaney: Yes, absolutely. It is something to celebrate when you make it to the other

Nicole Walters: When you make it to the other side, but it’s also not that we’re celebrating a failed marriage or a marriage that actually just went a different direction. I don’t even want to call it failed because it just came to an end, a culmination, a finishing point. And I will say, though, as a first lady of a black church that’s on TV, ma’am, I can’t even get into what it must have been like for you to announce.

Nicole Walters: I mean, actually, I think that your ex actually announced He did. He did. He announced it on social media. And he

Nicole Walters: just lets you know, we’re not even calling the pastor part into question because what we don’t do here is talk badly about our exes. Cause it’s not even that

Myesha Chaney: we don’t even

Nicole Walters: It’s not even that energy, but as just a person to have it announced.

Nicole Walters: And so it’s just difficult.

Nicole Walters: It’s just And I, I didn’t have any idea about all of these things, right? I helped a lot of people over the years. I’ve walked with people. I Just saw the humanity in the process. I didn’t lean into divorce too heavily because I didn’t think that was something I would ever have to deal with.

Myesha Chaney: It was like, how can I be present for others? And it’s one of those things that you don’t know really what it’s like until you are faced with that choice until the circumstances presents

Nicole Walters: Yes, this is so true. And I, so I announced, you know, my divorce on social media as well, but I talked to my ex about it first.

Nicole Walters: You know, like I was like, hey, this is something that I think I’m going to reach the point where I’m going to have to share it. You know, and these are some of the different things I’m considering. Do you have any thoughts about it? You know, and he was like, yeah, no, it’s fine. It’s okay. You know, and, and we shared it online.

Nicole Walters: But, um, I will say that you’re right like knowing other people are going to have a perspective on it and especially in like a Congregation and I mean people don’t talk about a lot, but when you’re you know a pastor and a first lady like That’s also your job

Myesha Chaney: It is.

Nicole Walters: So like your income could be affected if people like disapprove of it like there’s just so much pressure that comes with the role And was that scary for you?

Myesha Chaney: It was, it was scary for

Nicole Walters: Mm

Myesha Chaney: because I didn’t know what was going to happen. I’m a recovery and control

Nicole Walters: Yes,

Myesha Chaney: A part of my background is didn’t grow up with very much. And I had finally gotten a stability that I had grown accustomed to. So no matter how my life looked on the outside or on the inside, it was my life.

Nicole Walters: and it was going to

Myesha Chaney: yeah, and any disruption was going to be painful for me.

Nicole Walters: when you had kids, we didn’t even had three kids and um, It was scary, but I knew enough to make the next right step.

Nicole Walters: it leads us to the next part. And part of why I wanted y’all to have that foundation is to hear that, you know, Myesha’s just like all of us, right? There’s no point in time in your life where you’re going to be like, Well, I’m going to wait until I have less going on to start making choices.

Nicole Walters: You know, no matter what you’re going to be called to make choices, which means we have to get really good at making choices,

Myesha Chaney: Mm hmm.

Nicole Walters: and that you’re literally one of the best people I know when it comes to deciding things like there is a quiet confidence about you that I think a lot of women on really aspire to whenever, it’s part of why they come to you because they’re like, not that you seem to have it all going on because we know, I mean obviously publicly, it’s not perfect, right?

Nicole Walters: But you’re able to almost pick up the pieces and still, still function and serve in a way that’s just really beautiful. So, um, that being said, how did you know? How did you know that it was time? And that’s a, I know that’s tough.

Myesha Chaney: through compounding losses. So we had the pandemic going on. We were in a multimillion dollar renovation. There was high stress. My sister has seizures back to back to back. She was in the ICU. My dad, who is the strongest man I know, had a stroke. We dropped him off at the emergency room, didn’t see him for another month after that.

Myesha Chaney: Um, there was death on my ex husband’s side of the family. His 37 year old, uh, sister in law died of brain cancer. His aunt died the same month. and it was just, One thing after the next thing, my daughter attempted suicide in that same season. I ran out. I was done. I had nothing else to give. I would I had been working one hundred and twenty percent of my capacity for years and years and years.

Myesha Chaney: And I finally got to my end. And in that season. It forced me to re evaluate my values. I had to sit down and say, Maisha, what kind of life do you want to live?

Myesha Chaney: And it was so overwhelmingly present that I felt like if I don’t make a shift, I’m going to die. I did not know. Divorce was even on the table. I hadn’t, I hadn’t even considered it.

Myesha Chaney: I thought, okay, you can figure this out. you can take a break. You can go on a sabbatical. I had never taken a break. I’ve been working since I was 14 years old. I had to have everything figured out. I had to take care of everybody else, all of these scripts, all of these narratives. And I started sharing.

Myesha Chaney: And by this time I had been in therapy probably for three years straight, getting courage to confront some real things in my life. I had started to build up the drivers to how do I make adjustments, what’s going on inside of

Nicole Walters: This is all I know,

Myesha Chaney: is all I know.

Myesha Chaney: And I’m figuring that out. So when I hit the wall, And there was no other place to go. It was like you either die or you make a

Nicole Walters: y’all. So I just want to call out that. I mean, you’ve taken us on a little bit of a journey there, right, and getting to that point of I have to die or make a change, you know, I relate to that, obviously, you know, I’ve shared so much of my story here about, you know, getting to the point where, like, my health is failing, my body is breaking down, it is dying, you know, so it’s, if I don’t make a change, this will end with me no longer being, right, so it was, I felt forced to do it just for survival, it was survival instincts kicked in, right, but So many of the women who come to you aren’t even all the way there yet.

Nicole Walters: There are signs that come before that and you actually called out one of them pretty early on that you said your values were starting to to become clear and you were noticing that they weren’t in alignment. Would you say that was part of therapy? Would you say that like it’s just all the compounding losses and how you’re responding to the losses that you were like?

Nicole Walters: Maybe I feel like my partner is and again, we’re not bashing in any way, shape or form because and I and I mean this about my partner as well, the way we responded to a lot of our compounding losses were just different. I wouldn’t say that they were wrong, but they were just different. And that when you have in tight quarters over and over and over again, Plus you get the reflective private time of therapy and prayer, you really start wondering, do I want a partner that responds more similarly to the way that I do?

Nicole Walters: Or do I need just a chance to do this myself and not have to worry about how my partner responds? Or do I need to grow and change and shift to respond more like my partner? You know what I mean? Like, so was, so where did the compounding losses fit in plus therapy and all that with really identifying your values?

Nicole Walters: Because it sounds like that’s the beginning of the process.

Myesha Chaney: confidence come from?

Nicole Walters: Okay.

Myesha Chaney: In order to survive, I just kind of functioned. I built a beautiful life from the outside,

Myesha Chaney: but the values from though that you’re talking about? The ones that you got in the beginning? Because you got married young. I think we should call I got married at 22. How old are

Myesha Chaney: met my ex husband at 18. We got married at 21.

Nicole Walters: so I mean, we both got married when we were babies, which when we look back on it now that we have kids that age, what were we doing?

Myesha Chaney: I have no idea. I have no

Nicole Walters: like, girl, I do not know.

Myesha Chaney: was sitting in somebody’s church, call myself leading

Nicole Walters: listen, you

Nicole Walters: know, have been sat down somewhere, but,

Nicole Walters: somewhere.

Myesha Chaney: just, I just mean a basic level. Like I deserve love and respect that I’m worthy. I do remember as an 18 year old feeling like the world was big and excited and passionate passionate about things.

Myesha Chaney: And, and I wanted to discover what, what this world had for me. And I think I did have the. internal infrastructure for my life. It did need development, but there was something there, The core of what it was

Myesha Chaney: of who I was was there. And so for about 15 years, I just was just numb

Nicole Walters: Autopilot. So it almost sounds like, and this is something that I think is really important. If, if you all don’t know, Maisha works with women. This is part of obviously not just her calling on this earth as, as manifested as being a first lady, but it’s the work she does privately now is she supports women in transition, women trying in discovery, you know, to figure out and get back to who they are.

Nicole Walters: It’s not the language of, you don’t know, it’s the language of reclaiming. And that’s what you’re telling me

Myesha Chaney: That’s what I’m saying. There was a core of a person because I thought it was easier for me to become what everybody else wanted me to

Nicole Walters: me to be.

Myesha Chaney: I started to chase that. So whatever the congregation needed, whatever my ex husband needed, then I had children right away. So whatever the kids needed, and it was less about me as a person and more about everybody else.

Myesha Chaney: I signed up for a graduate program and it was deeply deconstructive. It was a master’s in spiritual care, soul care and spiritual formation. And they required six months of therapy to graduate. I

Nicole Walters: Oh wow.

Myesha Chaney: I had to go on silent retreats. I had to do weekly groups. And you’re talking about a person who was spending 99 percent of my life taking care of

Myesha Chaney: everybody everyone else. When I tell you, listen, there’s a prayer that one of my friends, her name’s Glow Atonmo. I don’t know if you know her, but I love Glow.

Nicole Walters: And she was talking about how she prayed the other day. She was like, please, God, show me myself, expose me. That prayer, you know, we don’t like that one. It stresses me out, girl. And that’s what therapy is like. It’s like you go in there and you have this bubble, this room where it is not about anyone else.

Nicole Walters: And you’re just like, not you’re going to tell me about myself. I feel attacked here. Revealing.

Myesha Chaney: the whole six months and I never brought up my marriage. I was so trained. I never spoke of anything in my entire relationship to anyone alive

Nicole Walters: Wow.

Myesha Chaney: for a good we divorced at 18 years. That was for a good 13 years.

Nicole Walters: Okay, so let’s pause on this. We are often told in society that we are not to talk about our marriages elsewhere.

Myesha Chaney: longer say that.

Nicole Walters: Ooh, tell me more I don’t, I don’t agree with that anymore because it took a therapist to look me in the eye after I went five years to weekly talk therapy.

Nicole Walters: me in the eye. Wow.

Myesha Chaney: Okay. My last day was when my divorce was

Nicole Walters: you.

Myesha Chaney: session. This man, Walk me through everything he told me things were wrong that I did not even know were wrong So, how do you that’s when people tell me like you have to fight and I get it I used to preach it all the time that you tell your parents about it And then you reconcile with your partner and then now your parents are still upset about it It doesn’t I I paid somebody to hear me And I didn’t even know I needed it.

Nicole Walters: it. Ooh, so so this is so and I’m gonna share something that I’ve never shared before, but I had the same moment in therapy, where I went to therapy because in in my situation I felt like Something must be wrong with me.

Myesha Chaney: Ah.

Nicole Walters: is um, clearly unhappy. You know, and I hold the weight of trying to make that better.

Myesha Chaney: Uh And I also am not happy by extension because I’m, I don’t feel like I’m getting the partnership I desire. So let me go to therapy because, you know, I was the only person who went, I was, I went to therapy for eight years and I was the only person getting regular sessions every single week.

Nicole Walters: And so I was like, okay, I will, and I still go to therapy actually, like I’ve been going to therapy nonstop for over a decade. But. I went and there were a couple of really big pivotal moments that occurred in my marriage that I have yet to discuss publicly, you know, and I never shared them until Maybe a year after I’d filed?

Nicole Walters: No, maybe a year before I filed. And my therapist said, Do you understand that what you just told me now Colors everything else you’ve ever told me in the entire How on earth When you’ve been sitting here saying, I don’t know why I’m not able to do this for him. She’s like this has been the answer of why because this thing that occurred It was such a fundamental rift in the relationship that there’s no way You would have been able to do those other things and it affects the way It’s kind of like going to a doctor’s office and being like, I don’t know what’s going on with me doctor I have a lot of fatigue but not telling them that you eat like a terrible diet You know what I mean?

Nicole Walters: Like you need to know the means right? And so you’re telling me that It wasn’t until you had this sort of awakening first that gave you more clarity on your values. And then once you had that, you started, I guess, it sounds like, you know, especially with all these losses, everything you were learning about yourself, you’re responding to these losses. And then, and, and that was, I guess, leading

Myesha Chaney: Because as long as I was in the driver’s seat and in control, and as long as I could figure out a way and work it out, I didn’t have to go through the hardship of dealing with me. This was the first time that That everything was broken and I couldn’t fix it. And I looked to the right or to the left and the support that I needed wasn’t there.

Myesha Chaney: The understanding that I needed wasn’t there. And it was with a heavy heart. And I still thought, well, we can just figure it out. Because as long as we’re busy, as long as I was running, and as long as I was preoccupied, I couldn’t deal with what was really going

Nicole Walters: any

Myesha Chaney: There was no way.

Nicole Walters: on. Impossible way.

Myesha Chaney: of my life wouldn’t allow for me to think thoughtfully about the kind of marriage I wanted.

Myesha Chaney: This is the marriage you

Nicole Walters: it out. And

Myesha Chaney: And you’re going to figure it out and you’re going to keep on going. Well, this wall said. You have to reprioritize something or you’re going to die.

Nicole Walters: to die.

Myesha Chaney: it got so strong and so present

Nicole Walters: Couldn’t ignore it.

Myesha Chaney: that I started cutting things out of my life. We can no longer work together with my partner.

Myesha Chaney: We work together. It was my pastor. It was the father of my kids. It’s the head of my home. And the pie that was for my Isha got really, really small. It was like 10% of my life was for me, and I started to have a problem with that.

Nicole Walters: So that problem with it, did you not feel guilty? Because especially speaking of Christianity, and this is something that, you know, I’ll probably go into in a solo episode a little more.

Nicole Walters: this isn’t an indictment on the faith as a whole, right? Because I always say my relationship with Christ, Christianity, is super important. so fantastic, right? I just love Jesus top to bottom. However, people get on my nerves and their interpretation and application of who Jesus is, is what irritates me, right?

Nicole Walters: So knowing this as somebody in the church, the idea that divorce even comes on the table, you know, when you’re starting to know something is changing or something has to change, whatever it is, how do you reconcile that? Like real, like real talk, it’s a, it’s a difficult thing, especially in a pastoral role, you know, like to be able to say, and I, this isn’t an indictment or judgment, this is a question I had to face as well, because before making the, we’re answering the big question people have, how do I know it’s time?

Nicole Walters: One of the things, no matter, you’ve done all this identification, you still have to answer yourself with your faith too. Is this something that’s okay? Because society has told me it’s not, or in some areas, some versions of Christianity, you know, what does that look like to choose you?

Myesha Chaney: it went against everything that I had known. We teach a very sacrificial life and I started saying, but I’m not the living sacrifice. Not for this marriage, not for this faith. I got to the point so low that I thought I would rather go to

Nicole Walters: listen,

Myesha Chaney: I’m going to have hell on earth.

Myesha Chaney: I’m going to have hell on the other side. Either way, we are not doing this. inside of me, it was like the depths of my person was waking up and it was like, you wake Mm-Hmm. I would look at the congregation. I would look at everything we built. And I had I had such a broken heart over it all.

Myesha Chaney: Because I realized that if this has to cost me my faith,

Nicole Walters: faith,

Myesha Chaney: and this was a faith, this is two theology master’s degrees. This is 20 years of my life.

Nicole Walters: A congregation to your community and your family, everything.

Myesha Chaney: And this church was the only church I’d ever been a part of. I was born in this church. My mom, my grandparents, I had never even joined another church. So we’re talking

Nicole Walters: History. Everything.

Myesha Chaney: Everything to me, all the sacrificing the future, the promises of what we would become and what we would build and how we would help.

Myesha Chaney: And all of that was on the line. And to me, I don’t, I’m like, why would God do this to me? Where the choice for me had to be with everything I’ve ever That’s As the cost,

Nicole Walters: That’s right.

Myesha Chaney: I’m like, you could have given me a lower level, kind of

Nicole Walters: don’t we say this all the time? I’m like, come on, Lord. Alright, it feels like a lot. But what’s funny is, it feels like a lot, but it really, that price is never that

Myesha Chaney: Uh huh. It’s never,

Nicole Walters: new life will cost you your old one. And that is okay. And it’s interesting, because what you just said, Dr. Anita Phillips says that any trauma is, her definition of trauma, is anything that makes you question who Humanity, the world, or God, and so if you are experiencing some level of trauma, which again, you know, not saying that that’s happening, you can be in a relationship with someone who’s a good, great person, but if there is an alignment, it will cause a trauma and a friction in your life, one way or another, and so, you know, knowing that there’s trauma happening, it can be a good thing.

Nicole Walters: And you’re saying, I’m willing to give it all up. I think that’s something a lot of people don’t realize as part of, you know, to help you, you answer the question, if you’re listening, you know, if you’re saying to yourself, you’re willing to give it all up in order to have peace, that is one of your signs right out of the gate.

Nicole Walters: That it is time to

Myesha Chaney: So I wish I can say that I I mean, I, this is something I prayed about for many, many

Nicole Walters: Mm hmm.

Myesha Chaney: was one of those prayers of God, just help me, God be

Nicole Walters: There’s another way. There’s a different, anything.

Myesha Chaney: I’ve been praying those prayers. Okay.

Nicole Walters: yes, girl. Mm hmm.

Myesha Chaney: every prayer that I had prayed in my marriage and got

Nicole Walters: The easy route. I mean, listen, there’s even biblical precedent for that. You know, God prayed for everything. Jesus prayed for everything. He said, Lord, I do not want to die on this cross. I don’t want to. He specifically said, I don’t, is there another way?

Nicole Walters: Cause he’s human. He was like, I know what you are saying is to come to pass and I am not interested. And, and you can do something else. And he said, no. He said, this is what it is. And this is what you were sent to do. And he was like, okay. You know, and he went and did it. And mind you, he did that also knowing he would come back.

Nicole Walters: And he was still afraid to go through the pain of it. So all of us who’ve gone through divorce, just so you know, we’re all still standing here and we’re all on this other side of it, you know, and you, so you know, you’ll get through if you’re feeling this question about yourself too. And I don’t say this as an advocate of divorce, you know, I am an advocate of love and marriage.

Nicole Walters: To this day, but if you’re saying to yourself, is this something I need to do? Just don’t let the fact that you don’t think you’ll get through it be the reason you don’t.

Myesha Chaney: And I think, for me, I didn’t know 100 percent if divorce was the way. I knew 100%,

Nicole Walters: it to be everything else, but that though,

Myesha Chaney: I knew 100 percent that I had to take the next right step. And I just kept getting clearer on the next right step.

Nicole Walters: hmm

Myesha Chaney: I need to file. The next right step

Myesha Chaney: we long did it take you to file? It didn’t happen right away,

Myesha Chaney: it did not

Nicole Walters: Same here. I think a lot of women are also under that perception too, which is, so for me, it took me almost a year to file. And I think that surprised people too, because they think that when you leave or when you finally like say, okay, this is no more, that you like go the next day and file your

Nicole Walters: papers. And that’s not what it is. You’re

Myesha Chaney: I’m thinking about my children. I’m like thinking of other

Nicole Walters: Is there other ways? Like for me it was like well maybe we can decide without having

Nicole Walters: to go through the court stuff or maybe we can this but it’s like y’all like that’s not how that works.

Myesha Chaney: Yeah, because the pandemic happened in 2020 and my divorce didn’t get filed until 2022. So I was experiencing a lot of emotional change, a lot of questioning, a lot of wrestling, but I still in January of the year we filed said, let’s go to couples therapy

Myesha Chaney: because I thought.

Nicole Walters: You just want to be sure though, you know, I think we did couples where I want to know we did everything

Myesha Chaney: did everything

Myesha Chaney: possible.

Myesha Chaney: And that was not helpful for me. It was already well, it was just too late.

Nicole Walters: If anything couples therapy solidified it for

Myesha Chaney: you did

Myesha Chaney: for me, when you when the individual therapy meets the couples therapy you start saying Oh, wow, I’m sitting across the person sitting here is not the person pre therapy

Myesha Chaney: Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Nicole Walters: that I’m here I get to really look at what I’m facing and I’m like, oh wow This is I am making the right call You Yeah, I think it was just like you said, knowing I’ve done all that I can do. And after that, it was, it happened pretty quickly. Everything just kind of fell into place and had to do the tough work. So when it comes to making decisions, I think I got laser focused on the next right decision. And I tried not to get overwhelmed.

Myesha Chaney: Mind you, I’m in a dark, dark place.

Nicole Walters: girl, the depression, I lost 22 pounds from not eating and people are looking at me on the internet like, oh, she’s looking good. Oh, she’s getting lipo. She’s on Ozempic. I was depressed. My therapist was literally telling me, you need to eat. And I was like, I

Myesha Chaney: it nearly killed It kills because I didn’t have the infrastructure.

Nicole Walters: of the things that you were experiencing?

Nicole Walters: Because this might be helpful too for anyone listening. People don’t recognize that your body breaks down from stress. And you’ve talked about this openly before. Some of the signs of stress and depression that you were experiencing in anticipation of this. And we’re only using divorce as a big decision, but y’all, this could be quitting your job.

Nicole Walters: Your job can still do these sorts of things to you. So what were some of the body

Myesha Chaney: I had a lot of brain fog. I was having hair loss. I was

Nicole Walters: Those edges. Gone, girl. What edges?

Myesha Chaney: the cortisol in my body could never really maintain weight. It was just, I would lose a lot of weight. Then I would gain weight back. I just, it was just a feeling of dis ease. There was something that was not working well. And my body was responding.

Myesha Chaney: Anxiety, feeling like the other shoe was going to

Nicole Walters: That’s

Myesha Chaney: Always kind of tensed up,

Nicole Walters: That’s right. Trust issues. You know, like,

Myesha Chaney: not feeling

Nicole Walters: How’s that work? Not feeling

Myesha Chaney: I was isolated. So when that, when that paperwork, when that announcement went out on social media, which I knew we were divorcing,

Myesha Chaney: I just didn’t know on that day at that

Nicole Walters: How we’re gonna handle entire world was going to figure, was going to learn about that people, friends I had that I had not

Nicole Walters: Then it’s like follow up phone calls, text messages, because also as a public figure, it’s a lot, you know what I

Myesha Chaney: I got a text message that said, I’m so sorry. I said, what are you talking about? And they said, it’s all over the internet. And I went on Instagram and I had a primal scream. I literally dropped to the floor and I experienced for the first time what it felt like for the world to completely open up underneath my feet.

Myesha Chaney: Okay. And it wasn’t just that the marriage was over. It was that my biggest fear had come upon me

Nicole Walters: That’s right.

Myesha Chaney: and everything that I had built in my old life was done. I didn’t speak to the friends that I had, the people I traveled the world with.

Myesha Chaney: So when it comes to making decisions in the midst of all of this breaking and caving in, I couldn’t even fathom a month from now.

Myesha Chaney: I just knew, wake up tomorrow.

Nicole Walters: when I tell you, I remember standing in my kitchen, coaching myself and being like, you need to eat something. You need to get out of bed today.

Nicole Walters: You need to go outside. When was the last time you went outside and breathed air, Nicole? I mean, there’s a healing point.

Myesha Chaney: I walked like 25, 000 steps a day.

Nicole Walters: That’s, listen, That’s the only way I the walking, right? So like, that’s the other part too, is there’s like, you know, in stages, there’s a, okay, gotta get out of bed. And then when you finally get out of bed, it’s, I just need to move.

Nicole Walters: I need to keep moving. And then before you know it, you look up and you’re like, where am I? I was walking from, if you’re from California, you’ll appreciate this, Marina del Rey to Santa Monica. I’m back walking. And like, and that’s not a crazy walk. Like people who are very fit can do it. But when I say like, I would blink and I look up and see the pier and be like, how’d I get here?

Nicole Walters: Do you know what I mean? Like it’s kind of a daze, you know, because you’re just trying to function like a human and animals do this. There’s like scientific studies that like animals will just start walking and roaming like and all of that. So. All that being said, and, and y’all, I hope you’re keeping track of this chain of events, and it really helps you is, you know, there was individual discovery that was happening in therapy, which was leading to a realignment of values that were always within.

Nicole Walters: So you always knew this, but you were rediscovering yourself. And then once you’d rediscovered yourself, it made it difficult for you to stay where you are once you knew something. about you. So kind of if you’re in your job, if you are like, man, you know, I hadn’t picked up a paintbrush in however long and now I’ve started doing watercolor and I can’t go to my desk every day. It’s because you rediscovered something

Myesha Chaney: It’s so true.

Nicole Walters: And so then after that it became, okay, I have to start, I guess, changing some things, creating some boundaries, some limitations. So for you, did that look like? starting to explore what your life, for me, it was, it was looking into what does my life look like now without this marriage?

Nicole Walters: You know, does it look like getting a new place? Does it look like, cause I also have my babies, you know, making sure they’re good. Like, what does that look like? Was that what you did next? Or did you just kind of say, Hey, you know, it’s over. So let’s just start executing. Like what came I had to do a lot of work in Boundaries. And surprisingly, a lot of that work came through friends and family, because my marriage was now over. So, how am I going to build this skill? In that relationship, co, co-parenting, dealing with divorce, all that. And I found that I got a lot of challenge or, or testing to see if it was working through regular people that I interface with. Let’s talk about that. Okay. We, I love a good boundary chat because boundaries completely. When I tell you, when you rediscover your personal values and a sense of identity, you start realizing how many people you let into your life that don’t care about your boundaries, that have their own

Myesha Chaney: it’s unbelievable.

Nicole Walters: It’s wild. Like, I mean, no no

Myesha Chaney: I didn’t have boundaries until like a year ago to

Nicole Walters: offended my own boundaries. I literally would set boundaries for myself and break them. Okay. I had no boundaries with me, you know? So, so I, this is the real, so what you’re telling me right now was before you even. Had to make calls with the big decision around the divorce you had to practice Some of this behavioral stuff with other people and I mean you are and this is part of why you’re such a good guide For this type of work because where you might go to therapy where you might be working with your you know Your pastor or whatever when you work with my a show what what is happens? You have someone side by side with you who knows how to put what you’re learning into practice And that’s the difference. So you’ve survived this. So what did it look like? Those conversations must have been hard because people did not know this, Myesha.

Myesha Chaney: because when I was a pastor’s wife, if someone came up to me and asked me to pray for them, and I said, no,

Nicole Walters: That’s not allowed. What are you talking about? That’s your one job.

Myesha Chaney: I would be talked about for, for weeks and weeks and weeks. If I be sat down. They’d be like, we need to talk, right. So it trained me to not have boundaries. It trained me to, to not look at what I

Nicole Walters: They’re always allowed

Myesha Chaney: I am not. I don’t feel like praying for you right now. I’m happy to do it. Amen. When it’s convenient for me. That would be, it’s asinine to

Nicole Walters: unheard of and also the not feel like part. I think that’s so often People don’t realize that just because I don’t feel like doesn’t mean I’m a bad person or don’t or that I don’t want to it’s That maybe you didn’t catch me in a good space. Don’t you want the best version of me to meet you in your moment? You do not want your pastor’s wife praying over you if she’s dealing with some stressor in her life,

Myesha Chaney: you know nothing about, that I can’t even speak about, don’t want advice from you on marriage. If your marriage isn’t going right, go solve that and, and get where you’re good to then speak to me. So, so you started practicing these boundaries with

Nicole Walters: others. How did that look for you?

Myesha Chaney: It was very, very scary. Um, I always wanted to be liked. I used to feel like I wasn’t attractive. I just wanted always people to value me from the outside, but I wasn’t valuing myself and I was expecting external fulfillment. In ways that I had not built that internally. So brown boundaries for me was even if you don’t like me, that was so hard for me to say, I can’t loan you money. I’m not going to be there at your wedding. I’m not, I’m not even going to answer your text message. And even now, if I, in the dating world, if someone doesn’t respond to me the way that I need to be responded to, I’m not even engaging with you ever again.

Nicole Walters: That’s right.

Myesha Chaney: And I would have never.

Nicole Walters: thought that you’d be there.

Myesha Chaney: Thought that I so it was scary at first it crushed me in a lot of ways because I had to finally say my issue You need to be enough for with me and until you have a better relationship with you stop looking outside

Nicole Walters: This is so good because I hope all of you are hearing right now that if you don’t have the ability to say no to things that you don’t want to do or if it fear fills you with like a anxiety or fear or concern or you’re a fierce people pleaser understand that whether it is your friendships your relationships, your, your business or your marriage. Being a people pleaser means that you’re likely in those situations allowing your boundaries to be crossed. It’s very difficult to have one and not the other. You can’t have a great workplace and also be a serial people pleaser with no

Myesha Chaney: you cannot And you know what was even more surprising about all this? When I was in ministry, when I worked with my ex husband, I could always blame him and I could blame the church and,

Nicole Walters: Toss it over there.

Myesha Chaney: being on my own and building my own business, it was like this, this is you.

Nicole Walters: Mm-Hmm.

Myesha Chaney: And if this client wants more than you want to give, you have to solve that.

Nicole Walters: to figure it out. Or if you wanna charge more, it’s up to you. You can’t toss it up, you can’t let someone else close it. You have to. And also you have to develop the skills that are a gap in between all of that. And also recognizing, I will say, at least for my own boundary work. Recognizing how complicit and responsible I was for a portion of the treatment that I received within my marriage. And that is so difficult because it’s so easy to want to blame. But if you, if you blame or if you, you know, shovel the responsibility on someone else, then you’re also not going to have change in your present, you know.

Nicole Walters: And that’s something that I’m learning from you and just kind of how you are really, You’ve grabbed the bull by the horns. You are moving forward with your life. You’re doing your own self discovery in order to make sure you’re living a life you want to have. So, so, but boundaries and people pleasing, like, whoo, hard. It’s hard.

Myesha Chaney: It’s hard, but it’s possible. And guess what? It has led me to discover parts of me to do. were there, but hidden all along. Like, I love being able to take charge in my life. I love being able to share and speak and tell people how I want to be treated. How I want to be handled and then making decisions that support that, that if you don’t handle me this way,

Nicole Walters: I’m not going to be here. I’m not going to be here.

Myesha Chaney: having good

Nicole Walters: Good luck. And it doesn’t mean anything about either one of us. When I tell you there’s nothing more freeing, and I don’t know if it’s like a divorce woman thing, but when you meet other women who are able to say, Good luck.

Nicole Walters: I may have gone through, sometimes when I find out like the truth about people’s exes, I’m like, wow, you talk about him so much nicer than he deserves. You know what I mean? Like you have no idea, like some of this and they’re just like, yeah, honestly, I’ve done my own work. So I’m aware of how I was complicit and I’m, and I knew what I was looking at and I knew what I was doing. And you just really learned that like, wow, these women are really on a different level. You know what I mean?

Myesha Chaney: I say it all the time. I wanted love and this was the way that I went about

Nicole Walters: That’s right.

Myesha Chaney: And it, and it, it was real to me and I thank God for every experience because I wouldn’t be sitting here right

Nicole Walters: That’s

Myesha Chaney: I’m very thankful and I practiced that throughout my divorce. I would say three things I’m grateful for and use it as a learning opportunity

Nicole Walters: That’s that I will not die and leave this life living a fraction of who I was meant to be.

Myesha Chaney: And if the cost of me living the life of, of who I was meant to be is doing a lot of hard stuff, I’m willing to do the hard stuff. It’s necessary. And it’s been great.

Nicole Walters: It has been great. You’re thriving. I love it. Um, if you guys don’t know, preachers of LA is actually, uh, coming back to the air for reunion special, and you’ll see a little, a little clip it of Miss Maisha on there. So definitely, you know, support, but also know that, you know, Maisha, I mean, we’ve touched the tip of the iceberg here, but I think a lot of people who may have been. sitting in their decision making now and are feeling stuck, are able to say to themselves, okay, cool. So the first thing I need to do is figure out what the heck is my, are my values, you know?

Nicole Walters: So if I don’t know what those are, I can go to therapy. I can, you know, they could work with you to kind of get some more clarity around it. But after they figure out their values, then they need to figure out what the boundaries are that they need to put in their life. And then really they’re ready to move. Now I know that you have a system where you walk people through all of this and you do like retreats and events. Can you tell us a little bit more about what your retreats are like? l n One’s coming up in Bali. I’m trying to I’m

Myesha Chaney: I know we’re about to go to Bali, but it’s about getting us out of our context and working through some of these things, giving clarity, putting an action plan. I’m an executor. My strength is you have multiple businesses. I mean you’ve you’ve what how big is your warehouse that you had it was. It’s a venue. It’s about 30, 000 square

Nicole Walters: Mean that is ridiculous. Like I mean so you have set up and executed whole businesses run congregations Manage your family manage yourself rebuilt a life. So I mean you really are a go to resource for You setting up these sorts of things, but you can’t do it without the right mindset.

Nicole Walters: So you go to these retreats and that’s what you work

Myesha Chaney: Yeah. It’s about life change. Bali was where I went to have my awakening.

Nicole Walters: ma’am. I went to LA. What was I thinking? This place is a mess. What is out here? What am I even doing? I was like, that was my budget, Polly.

Myesha Chaney: See, but you had to bring your light out It’s true. So can we talk about how so many women I know that’s a thing is like, when you are trying to figure out the next step, you just got to get out of wherever you. Oh yes. That is, was just so in the thick of it. I was like, I can’t even see here. I need to go 3, 000 miles away. You went 24 hour flight away. I did. And Bali was where I, I was like, okay, here’s the

Nicole Walters: Mm

Myesha Chaney: Here’s what we’re gonna do. It

Nicole Walters: Because there’s nothing around you. Like, I went to Marina, which is right by the water. I was like, I,

Myesha Chaney: Mm-Hmm.

Nicole Walters: There’s nothing else. No noise. And people think you’re crazy because, did you take your kids with you?

Myesha Chaney: I didn’t,

Nicole Walters: hmm. Neither did I, girl. So people, and people really think that’s nuts because they’re like, It’s such a different way to choose yourself, you know, because people are like, how could you do that? Like how could you go and not take your kids with you and all this but it’s like I’m unhealthy and I’m not Well, as long as my kids are safe and secure for that time frame Let me go build something that I can bring my kids into and it sounds like that’s what you did You got yourself well,

Myesha Chaney: And I put myself in the center of my universe for the first time ever. I think things are in balance now.

Nicole Walters: Oh

Myesha Chaney: And I can be a better mom, and I can be a cool friend, and a great daughter, and a sister, and it seemed like everything in my life Became more aligned, the more aligned I became with myself.

Nicole Walters: I think that right there is a point. So that said, where can people find more alignment? Where can they go to learn more about you? And I know that there are some women right now who are saying to themselves, I’ve got a decision. And if I can just take one step in the direction I need to take with this decision, it would change everything for me. And Myesha, I just need you to stand next to me. Where can they go to find more about you?

Myesha Chaney: You can go to my Isha Chaney dot com. You can find videos, all the things on Instagram, YouTube, any kind of social platform.

Nicole Walters: love that. And y’all will have the details in the show notes below. And of course Maisha, you know, provides that one-to-one support. And, uh, she’s available to talk. I mean, as you know, first Lady style, she’s great, but when it comes to having an actionable system that you can apply to move. From where you are to where you want to be and be unstuck and you know, it may not be divorced Maybe as a first lady, you are keeping people in their marriages, you know both ways

Myesha Chaney: Of

Nicole Walters: I love it because once you’ve been divorced you meet people who are like I’m struggling with this in my marriage and you’re like Oh, that’s not even a divorceable, honey. You just need to go to therapy real quick, you know, like get back in there I almost feel like I can keep people in their marriages now cuz I’m like no I know what the whole process is like you don’t want this

Myesha Chaney: Yeah, you’re like, you’re like, here, all you got to do,

Nicole Walters: Yeah, that’s right

Myesha Chaney: these few things and you’ll be good.

Nicole Walters: That’s right. You don’t even want the divorce process. You’re actually fine. Or this is normal. That’s the other part for the young ones. I’m always like, no, what you’re dealing with is actually normal. You’re just rushing to divorce, but this is just normal. Like yes, you’re living with someone now and obviously they’re not clean all the time. Like have the conversation

Myesha Chaney: I know. Figure it figure this one out.

Nicole Walters: So no matter where you are, whether it’s, you know, figuring out the job or the parenting or the next baby or whatever, my issue is a great resource for that. And I just am so blessed that you came here and shared. Your story so vulnerably with us and especially as a public figure, you know, it’s tough sometimes to expose ourselves and put ourselves out there, but it really is a blessing and, um, and I’m grateful that you show up the way you do. And you know, I’ll be texting and hitting you up too because I got decisions to make. All right. Thanks for being here.

Myesha Chaney: Thanks for having me.

In this episode, Myesha and I chat about:
  • The 4 steps Myesha took to realign her life,
  • Why discovering your values forces you to make decisions,
  • How to learn about yourself in therapy, and
  • Why making the next best decision is so tough and yet so simple
Resources and links mentioned in this episode:
  • Connect with Myesha HERE and on Instagram!
  • Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
  • Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
  • The Misterfella and I did an extra special chat on where we are with growing our family. Don’t miss it – listen here or watch here
  • I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!
More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

 

Prepping for BABY!

Prepping for BABY!

by | May 7, 2024

Prepping For A Baby

The baby journey continues and in this chat, Alex and I bring you up to speed on what we’re doing to prepare (as much as possible) for our future babies!

One way I’m prepping is by taking my health, fitness, and wellness seriously so I can go into this next season as healthy as possible. Get Alex’s take on preparing for a pregnancy and new baby, too!

You can never prepare ENOUGH but with the right tools and resources, I can do my best with what I have control over!

Thanks for cheering us on and tuning in each week, friends!

Transcript

Hey friends. I am so excited about today’s chat because, uh, we’re actually on a couch and I brought back my very favorite person because this conversation is, uh, about babies and we wanted to talk to you about it and just kind of keep you up to speed. All the internet aunties out there on some of the things that we are exploring, some of the things that are happening in our life and just sharing what we’re learning.

And, What’s great is this episode is actually brought to you by the incredible people and team at Nike. So, uh, we’ve been working with Nike. You’re going to hear more from them and about them, and how they’re actually helping support this stage in our journey. And so I wanted to introduce today’s guest, who you already know, and I definitely love and you love.

My Alex is here.

I’m excited to be back.

Yes, my Misterfella. So, Y’all have been keeping up with our journey from the very beginning. especially because I first shared that I was going through a divorce and relationship transitions and all of that with you here.

We’ve been walking through this process now, believe it or not, for almost four years, which is kind of bananas because now, you know, we are at this place where we, I have met someone new and it’s going so great and we’ve been in a relationship for years and years and we are engaged and we are, you know, Getting married and, um, as part of that, we’ve been talking about having children.

And so we’ve had a lot of questions about that because I’m already a mom of three. and I know that a lot of people wonder how to navigate that. You know, um, I’m 39 and, uh, this would be my second marriage. And I’m already a mom and I know a lot of people say, like, I get it all the time, my DMs.

They’re like, Nicole, what is this like, what is this, you know, we’ve, we’ve already done an episode about you being a stepdad. Sure, yeah. Yeah, but people want to know more about what is it like sort of growing your family. At least for me growing and for you starting. Yeah. So, I guess let’s take everyone back to moving forward.

Let’s start with when we first met. met and kind of how we felt about children. What were your thoughts around building your own family?

Yeah, I mean, I was definitely in the place where it was coming out of the pandemic. And so, having kids wasn’t exactly on my radar. Sure, did you always know you’d be a dad? Or I always had an inclination to like want to be a dad.

 I knew that I would make a good dad. Like my dad has always told me I’d make a good dad. Like people have always told me for a long time that I would make a good dad. but you know, there’s always that voice inside, just like in your profession, just like in whatever else you do where you’re like, like, I don’t, I don’t know if I’ll be good enough or I don’t know.

Talk about that. Well, I don’t like, I don’t know if I want to take on that kind of responsibility or if I’m capable of taking on that kind of responsibility. Yeah. That’s a biggie. So talk about that just for a second here, because, for people who are listening for the first time, you know, Alex is a musician, so can you mention profession?

Can you let everyone know kind of what you mean about, yes, you knew you’d be a good dad, but you had hesitancy. I also think this is important for anyone who’s listening is kind of younger because this generation is also really big on it. I don’t know if we want to take on parenting because of what’s happening in the world.

I’ve heard it so many times. Oh, the world’s so messed up. I don’t want to bring a kid into this crazy world. So can you talk a little bit more about that? Is that what you mean? Or, uh, no, just like, am I smart enough to teach a child to survive here? Or am I, capable of and responsible enough with my time management to, to, you know, guide this child and make sure they learn all the things or get, you know, like, yeah, it’s, it’s, it’s a scary thing, you know, at the end of the day, it’s like, I know that I am, you know, and I am capable, I am responsible enough and I am selfless enough to, to put them first.

And that’s another big thing. Am I selfless enough? Do you know, like, am I capable of putting somebody else before myself? You know, and when you’re single for a while, you know, you’re just thinking about yourself. So it’s hard to think about flipping your life upside down for this baby, you’ve never met. So it’s like hard to fathom being a parent, being a parent and going into that world when just everything is so opposite. Sure. But, you know, I also hadn’t met anybody, you know, up until now that I wanted to kind of jump into that world with, you know, like I always knew I did, but I just, I knew that once I met the right person that I would want to marry and have a kid with that, you know, I would probably lean that direction, then I’ll just, I’d figure it out. So it’s interesting you say that because, for those who you don’t know, Alex is a type of person where even if he goes into a restaurant and he reads a description of an item on the menu, he wants to open up Yelp to find a picture of the dish, right?

I have to see it. He likes to see or get a visualization of what, as much as he can, of what might be to come. And parenting is just not one of those places where you typically get to do that. Right. But that’s where I was really lucky because I did get to do that. Tell us more about that. I did. Because you’re already a mom.

You have three girls. And I, I got to sample the goods. Oh my God. No, it’s true. I guess like, you know, it’s interesting. And I, the reason why I wanted to call that out and yes, that was a little bit of a leading question is because a lot of the mamas that are in my DMS that are looking for a second chance at love or are looking to, you know, step into that arena again, often feel like their kids are a hindrance or a burden or something like that.

But little do you know, you know, For a guy who may not have a family of his own either, you know, but is is maybe looking to start one or maybe interested in parenting with you, you know, the fact that you’re already a mom might be a bonus. They might love you more because of who you are as a mom. Oh, yeah, because when it well, yeah, it’s really funny because like, and first you didn’t want me to see you.

Oh, let’s talk about it. Yeah, you don’t want me to see you in that light as a mom because I wanted you to get to know me first. As me. I mean, we can just say that transparently. So when we first met, I did not tell Alex much about my background, my work, my kids, or anything just for, transparently y’all, safety reasons.

We were just dating and he did not need, I needed to know, Is this guy even legit to me before I, like, do I like him before I start disclosing elements about my life, my background, my children, all of that. Now, does it mean that I outright was like, I have no children, I don’t know about children, nothing. I mean, in the very beginning, beginning, of course, we didn’t talk about that.

We’re just dating. You don’t even need to know my address. You know what I mean? But little by little, I was like, hey, these are some things you need to know about me. Um, and you didn’t even meet the kids until. I mean, we were several months in before I was even comfortable with that. Yeah, it was getting definitely like serious before, you know, we, we pretty much laid out our intentions and we were serious by the time I met them because I know you’re not going to just introduce them to anybody.

And serious, I mean, transparently to you, you know, and I think you know this, if it hadn’t worked out with the kids, it wouldn’t have been, you know, so we were serious, but it was, you know, internally. It couldn’t have gone to the next step. It couldn’t have gone to the next step. Unless I passed the test

The check with the kids. Absolutely. Well, and also I needed you to see me as a mom. That was such a huge part of it was you needed to like and love the person I was as a mother because it’s a different, I mean, you could talk about it. I’m a different person when it comes to being a mom. Yeah, you are. And but like before that happened, you know, I think this is important to note too, that you didn’t want to show me.

That side of you being a mom because you didn’t want me to see you it like like we’re dating Yeah, you know like I wanted to be the like you want to be the cute Girlfriend, we can just go on dates and have fun and go and have a drink and blah blah blah You know, it’s like once I see you as a mom you were worried it would kind of ruin I just didn’t want to be doubted image.

Yeah, like I didn’t want Well, I wanted us to have a legit cause look, my life is a lot and you know, this, everyone who’s, it’s just a lot. I’ve got three kids, I’ve got a baby mama, I’ve got, you know, an ex, I have, you know, internet aunties, listen, that’s real. Like, I mean, you’ve know, now that you’ve met them, the internet aunties are real

Like they’re not playing either about their, the babies, you know? So it’s just, I come with a lot of peoples, you know? And because of that, I just wanted you to have an opportunity to know and love the person first. Okay. You know, and for us to at least rack up those type of memories for sure. And it makes sense, but it’s, but it’s like funny because you didn’t want to show me that, you know, to change your image, but also it’s very much who you are.

And then once you did show me that side of you, it actually enabled us to get more serious because once I saw you in that light as a, as a mother, I was like, Oh, she’s a really good mom. I could see having a kid with you because I already know that you’re a good mom. I don’t need to wait to find out. You know, like I can already see it.

You know, I think it’s interesting that you said, thank you for that. By the way, I love you. I think it’s interesting that you say that because again, a lot of moms who think, Oh my gosh, I’m coming with these kids and I don’t know if a guy is going to be interested in all that. Let’s think about the other side of it.

Listen, if you find out someone isn’t a good mom, how quick are we to make a call around that? You know, it, it is pretty revealing. You know, I think one of the things that is pretty well known psychologically is if you’re unkind to children or unkind to animals or you aren’t able to find vulnerability and selflessness in relation to children and animals, that says a lot about your character, you know, and, um, So you meet someone and you find out that, okay, they, they know how to do this consistently, right?

Cause you’ve seen me parent now for years, you know, and you’ve seen me parent through one of the most difficult times of my life, you know, is kind of this divorce post divorce time as well as, teenage years, which is a very big as a thing as well. You know, having seen me, you know, go through that process, I think that you, you, You’ve got a pretty good sampler of what it’s like.

Oh, for sure. And even part of it also, which I love you for. Yeah. In that process. So let’s talk about what that meant then. Elephant in the room, I’m not a spring chicken. I’m a seasoned chicken, as my friend Jen always says, right? So, you know, So you decide you want to have more kids, but you’ve also decided to not pick a girl who’s 25, you know, not that you would date a 25 year old anyways, but you know, yeah, right, like you are someone who is young enough, you know, I am of geriatric age, geriatric, what do they call it, geriatric maternity, something, I am of geriatric age.

It’s like the worst way you could have possibly said that. Listen, that’s science though, science says that. So it does mean, you know, and again, this episode is sponsored by Nike because, you know, I’ve really been paying attention to, like, my fitness, my well being, my body, particularly since we’ve met, you know, like, I just, I’m far more aware of it.

Making sure that I am in good condition, not just to look good for my man, but because we’re trying to take on these things and I need to integrate that into my lifestyle. Oh, Oh my God. I mean, speaking of perfect, because like I say it all the time, my main job, my one job is to carry things. That is my, that’s like my, the man’s main job and rich carry.

What, whatever and all of that, right? Use the tall, I need to borrow your tall come reach things. So it’s important that I stay in shape and it’s important that I like work out. And I’m, you know, I’m serious about maintaining my fitness and stuff like one, because I, I mean, I care about the way I look. I’m in the music industry.

It’s a part of it. It’s important. but two, So I can carry things when the baby, when the baby comes, whenever that happens, I will, I will be carrying the baby. I will be carrying bags. I will be carrying supplies. I might be carrying you too. I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s possible. And I love that. Your feet might be hurting.

I’d be like, hop on. I got you. I love you. You know, like I need to be fit. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. And also, um, I’m not running after this kid. Listen, I’m a woman of a certain age. If you want to have another little young in, okay. I’m not going to be 45 years old running around on this playground.

I’m going to be like, go get your son because he’s being a lot right now. So no, all of that. I appreciate, but also prior to you tapping in, you know, when this baby’s here, I have to carry this thing solo, you know, like you got to carry the thing of pregnancy is what I mean. Not my baby, but the thing of pregnancy.

And, a lot of that has been paying attention to what can I do at the age that I am, you know, that is ongoing. We were actually literally just having this conversation the other day about, one, I’ve recently lost, well, so, alright, y’all, we just gonna say it. I put on some happy weight when we met relationship, relationship weight, you know, and we both did.

We both got a little soft, you know, because between dating and couching and just being comfortable and all that travel, like all the things that happened. So put on some weight. And, uh, you know, but as you know, now we’re, So, um, you know, we’ve been talking more about starting our family and, um, one of the things I’m aware of is, look, you can’t plan for everything, right?

You can’t, there’s a lot you don’t control with babies. You never feel like you have enough money. You never feel like you have enough space or time. You never feel like you’re certain enough about the future. But, One thing you can prepare for is with your health and your well being. So, like you said, you’ve been like working out and things like that, you know, but I know, I knew for a fact that I wanted to make sure I managed my diet and that I wasn’t coming into it with extra weight on me.

Yeah, I mean, like it’s gonna have you running around. Yes, yes. Like, if you’re lugging around all the extra weight too, it’s just gonna be that much harder. It’s gonna be that much harder. And then also knowing that, you know, as a geriatric pregnancy, you know, I Recovery might be Recovery could be tougher and, you know, and again, You never know what you’re going into.

We, you know, cross our fingers. We pray to God that, you know, it’s a smooth, easy pregnancy with an easy delivery and a healthy child. That’s what we all hope for. And that’s what we claim in advance. Um, and y’all can all stand in agreement on that with me, but we’re also very aware that, you know, one of the things that’s great is We want to integrate daily healthy lifestyle and wellness habits that are going to be in alignment with supporting a healthy pregnancy.

So let’s talk a little bit about some of the daily healthy things that we know we can probably do. You know, one of the first things was I didn’t want to go into my pregnancy with extra weight. So I started really managing my intake around extra sugars, around, um, like fried and saturated foods, and just being more mindful around my protein intake.

Because that’s something that I felt would help a lot. Protein coffee. Protein coffee. Oh, do you want to tell everyone about my protein coffee? It’s a good hack. It is. I didn’t even know if it’s actually a hack, to be honest. I mean, whatever it tastes good and it gets you extra protein in the day.

I know I’ve been giving you my protein coffees. Are you into it? Yeah. No sugar, no cream. You just put a little pro like protein drink, you know, premade one, you know, good one that you can find. Just put it straight up in your coffee. It’s got a little bit of, uh, like milk in there. It’s got a little bit of sugar.

So it just gives you. A little bit of taste what you need and, you know. And you’re getting in like 30 grams of protein with your coffee in the morning. Like, why wouldn’t you do that? So, I mean, just little things like that have really been helpful, you know, in preparing my body for baby, you know, and, and I’m grateful because I’ve also gotten off You know, some extra weight, you know, which is, it’s hard to take off, but I’m really glad that I have.

I know, I look good. She looks good, y’all. This is not that type of podcast, please, sir. This is a family podcast, mister. Oh my god, the way you’re laughing right now and blushing, I can’t even stop looking at me like that. No. So, ew. Okay. Okay. I wonder, you know, it’s funny. Okay. Y’all just pause for a minute because all of you guys

don’t know how long we’re going to be like this. People tell me that, you know, it can be like this forever, but it feels honeymoony. I am still just as excited and like, Not that I don’t have weeks, right? I can’t stand you. You know that. Like, yeah, that’s like totally, like, hormonal and normal, right?

Yeah, yeah. But I still am very, like, blushy around you. And I don’t know if that’s, like, I don’t know, I don’t know how long that’s gonna be. I don’t know. I hope it just doesn’t stop. Forever. Yeah, I know. That’s the goal, I guess, right? I don’t know. Yeah, whatever. Anyways, yeah. Okay, moving on, moving on. I’m trying my best.

I’m smiling like I love my dentist. So, but that said, um, you make me forget what I was gonna say. But yeah, so, so it’s interesting because, just knowing that I’m doing all these things in preparation of, you know how like you lose weight for your wedding or you lose weight for if you’re in the industry, like in entertainment, it’s actually really common that you have to make weight for different things, you know, whether it is, um, and you know, diet culture is a whole thing.

Body positivity, y’all. I’m, I’m completely in understanding and agreement with like all of that, but it also doesn’t change the fact that with certain professions, like for instance, if you’re an Olympian, you know, you gotta get fit for, you know, the job. Or if you are a church goer, you’re not going to wear a bikini in church.

It’s not fair that, you know, people won’t accept you the way that you want to be seen. However, realistically, if you want to have access to certain things in spaces, you may have to adapt to fit in those spaces. So that little disclaimer caveat being said, you know, When you work in the entertainment industry, part of that is maintaining your appearance, you know, partly for the gig.

So like when I do speaking gigs, it helps that I’m not as heavy because for me, and it may not be for everyone, you know, but for me, that was a challenge. You know, like it may hurt my knees. I got out of breath. I’m on stage for 45 minutes. Like I had to make an adjustment so I could do my job. Yeah, and I think that’s like the Disconnect a lot of time is there people can think that like, you know, maintaining your, your fitness and stuff is just purely for like superficial, superficial, external reasons, cosmetic reasons just to appear good on stage.

But it’s like, no, there’s functional, functional reasons, like a musician, like you talk about some of the vocal exercises and lung capacity. I mean, I mean, all that aside, I mean, some of the gigs, that I play. I mean, you know, you might be like dancing around or you need to, yeah, in lung capacity, you might be playing for a while or you might be on your feet for a while.

And if you’re like, Not able to do that. You may not be able to do that gig. That’s right. No, that’s fair. That’s money out of your pocket. Like, look, I’m certain that in Beyonce’s off season, sis is hanging out, watching her shows, catching up on Netflix. But by the time she has to hit that stage, she is fit.

She is toned. Because if she wouldn’t, there’s no way she’d be making through that show. Now it’s like physically couldn’t do it. You know what I mean? She would pass out. It’s just too much. And I think that that is the same sort of mindset where sometimes you get so caught up in our. Uh, but like things thinking everything’s about appearance, you know, and not understanding that it’s about wellness and you know, I’m not looking to be the slimmest.

It’s going to take time for my body to recover from pregnancy. We know that right? I’ve heard that the average woman takes two years before their body resets after pregnancy and that’s Average, right? You know, for some, it might be three for some, they may bounce back quicker with money, resources, tools, all that.

Right. Not all of us have access to trainers or whatever else, but you know, I just want to make sure I’m doing my best to build out the wellness habits of care. You know, um, we’ve even talked about how, When we were looking at moving in together, our home, we discussed a baby as part of that.

Like, the neighborhood, the sidewalks. That was the plan, like, what kind of neighborhood are we moving into? Yeah, the sidewalks, is the surrounding area flat? Are there sidewalks or is it just a street? Like, are there hills? Because that’s going to be hard. Even when we’re picking a home, like, when you get pregnant.

We picked a rancher because we’re like, you’re not going to want to deal with stairs like you’re going to sleep on that was funny that you were really worried about I was like, I don’t want to carry the baby upstairs. It’s so cute, y’all. Because especially as a as a, you know, already mama, like, I know that that’s not as and all the mamas listening right now are like, Oh, because because.

Oh, It’s you’re so worried about being able to carry this baby up and down stairs safely. And like, when I tell you as a mom, I don’t want to, I play the worst scenarios in my head. I’m like, what if I’m carrying the baby up to its bed and I trip on the stairs or like any, like I play crazy scenarios like that in my head.

I’m like, nope, just keep it nice and flat. Well, now we will have a home with no stairs, no stairs, no way, no risk. We’re good. There’s Sidewalks outside, it’s so cute, it’s so cute, but you know, but it’s true in terms of like the stairs inside thing is just an adorable thing you’re concerned about. But I will tell you as a parent, you end up with this weird second thing that happens to you.

It doesn’t mean mistakes don’t happen and it doesn’t mean that, but like they’re unavoidable mistakes, but for the most part you have this like. radar thing in you that like keeps you alert to your child. I don’t know how to explain it like so for instance Um, I think I’ve told you I’ve had scenarios where alley, you know When she was only maybe like four or five when when baby sleep first of all, they’re knocked out Right?

Like, I mean, even now she’s 12 and when she is sleep, she has gone to the world, right? Because she feels safe, you know, so she’s for sleeping next to me in a hotel room bed and starts to roll off that bed. I don’t know if I was asleep or half awake or whatever. I reach out and grab. It was like, I could feel that she was falling and grabbed her and threw her back in the bed before she hit that ground.

Sis didn’t even wake up videos with all the epic dad saves dad saves. I’m telling you, you cool. And even if you do fall down the stairs, you better believe that baby is going to, you’re going to Simba that baby, it will land up in the air, and your body will be bleeding and everything, that baby will be fine, okay, that baby will be fine, okay, so, so it’s just funny that you mentioned the stair thing, but realistically, the other preparation stuff around The wellness of a pregnancy before the baby even shows up.

We wanted a neighborhood with, you know, flat sidewalks that we could walk. You know, like I just got my new sneakers from Nike, the motivas that I love. And they’re like rocking sneakers. Oh yeah. You showed me the cushion. I was like, it’s like an inch and a half thick of just walking out of cloud cush. I was like, can you imagine being pregnant when you have swollen ankles, swollen knees, and I’m able to walk comfortably because they’re designed to kind of Help me with my foot.

It’s going to be major because when I’m pregnant, listen, there are a lot of pregnant women who are like runners and athletes and competing in the Olympics. I mean, Serena, you know, one Wimbledon, you know, while pregnant with, you know, her baby, you know, so I’m not them. So I feel like a good precursor is kind of where did you start and where are you going to end up?

And because I don’t have that baseline of fitness, I do know walking is something I can do and I should do to help me maintain My wellness during pregnancy and you can help support that, but we wanted to pick a neighborhood, you know, and get the right tools, resources, athletic equipment and gear so that I’m able to, when you’re not around, at least have the freedom to walk and you don’t have to worry, you know?

So it’s interesting because I’m glad that I have. Gear that I know will support me during that process from Nike, you know, cause all their stuffs. And you also, you think I look good in it, which is also really, Oh, that also it helps us. Um, and they also have maternity workout bras, which is further emphasizes when you’re pregnant, you know, I still have the ability to do everything I could do before and stay healthy and fit, you know?

So it’s been fun to kind of start that journey now and build out the habits so that hopefully, you know, as I go through pregnancy, you know, I’m able to do this. And can I just say. It’s weird to talk about this thing, this certainty, you know, of having a baby when I think of, like, where we were just a couple years ago, even though it’s always been on our mind.

How does it feel for you? Is it weird to talk about, like, knowing that we’ll be coming back here to talk to the Internet aunties in, I don’t know when, honestly, but, you know, at some point, and sharing that we’re having a baby. Yeah. I mean, it’s exciting. It’s exciting. That’s what you feel is excitement? I feel excitement.

I’m like, I I’m nervous. I’m going to be honest. Oh, good looking kids are good. Good looking, talented, smart kids are going to rule the world. Oh my gosh. It’s funny because I’m so used to my kids being pre cooked, right? So it’s like, I already know what I’m getting. I’ve, I’ve had the Yelp of children. I’m able to go in there and be like, I know what the dish looks like.

I’ll take those. Right. But this one is going to wait and see. I know. Oh my gosh. It’s excitement. It’s nervousness. It’s excitement. And it’s. It puts a fire under me to prepare, like, not just to prepare physically, but to prepare, like, in, you know, in my business, you know, and professionally. That is such a big shift we’ve been making also is really looking, cause also obviously, Again, like I said at the top, y’all, you’ll never be prepared enough.

You’ll never have enough. It’ll always be, we could use more, always something else, you know, but realistically, if you know that having more children is something you want to do, which I think that was the big question for us was how would we feel if we didn’t have children? Not so much because listen, transparently, we have a great life.

Of good life. Sometimes we even look at each other and we’re like, do we want kids? I know, because we can literally just go travel and like, just like hang out. We like each other. You know what I mean? And also we have children already and we love our babies. Mm-Hmm. . You know what I mean? Like parenting ally is like, we talk about her all the time.

It’s such a joy. Like, and it’s so fulfilling. But then when we think about not making a child together right? Then I feel like this weird sadness or I feel the same thing. Or fomo. Yeah. Or I feel like I’m gonna get on the other side of it. And we’re going to wish we had had that journey together, you know, and I think that that’s the part that kind of put us firmly in the, okay, this is a yes call.

Yeah, because I could see myself being sad that we didn’t make that move when it was possible, you know, and then now we’re getting older, which I don’t have much of a window transparently, you know, to be able to, and, and again, like you have kids, like, well, you know, we have kids, you know, I’ve like, you know, and, um, and it’s great.

Yeah. Um, but the whole, and it’s different and the whole experience of having like a bio kid, you know, is something that I’ve wanted to do. And what’s nice is it’s unique to us. Like it gets to be part of our thing. Like there’s something that we get to do together that, you know, I have been married before, you know, and I obviously am a mom.

forever. You know, and also I’m a universal mom. You know that about everybody. Everybody’s babies are my babies, right? So those are becoming apparent like that. Those are experiences. I’ve never been pregnant before. I’ve never had an infant. I’ve never been married before. Like this is my first go of all of this.

So it’s really special because I think we get to have this season together uniquely, which is Um, but that said, you know, in terms of preparation outside of doing what we can for our own physical wellness, you know, particularly my wellness, you know, getting the right gear, doing the right steps, doing things I can do through pregnancy, you know, there’s also preparing our lives.

So like in the workspace, you know, I am looking to put more emphasis on certain areas. elements of my work, like I do more speaking gigs now, um, because that allows me to be home, you know, and I get to, uh, structure my day. So I don’t try not to work on Mondays and Fridays. So I have four days off and three days on, which is hugely helpful.

Um, those three days I will note are very on. They are very safe. Yes, they’re very, very, full day. It’s not less work, for anyone listening, it’s not less work because there are other days off. It just all gets condensed and packed into three days. You’re right about that. I’m basically putting a forty five hour workweek into three days.

So there’s trade offs. But, you know, that’s good. And the same thing is for you. I think that what’s amazing is you handle Mornings and afternoons with Allie, so that I’m able to have those middle times off. but you’re also building out a regularity in your structure as you’re doing things. Yeah, yeah, I’m building up, you know, it’s like, you know, I’ve been doing good stuff and it’s getting better and better.

And profession shifts also, because you used to do more touring. Yeah, more traveling. More recording with artists. And recording and stuff. Performing stuff. Yeah, and, you know, I’ve been doing more music production and Composing. Composing and seeing a lot of progress there. And that’s, you know, the, the focus.

Yeah. And this is, you know, as you like to say, it’s build season. It is build season. You know, I’ve been doing a lot of good stuff and I’m looking forward to doing more good stuff, but this is the real, real build season. Oh my gosh! And shout out! You’re nominated for a telly award for a commercial that you did music for.

I love you and I’m proud of you and I’m bragging about you to the aunties. That was amazing. Yeah. You’ve had a lot of really great projects coming out. Yeah. Yeah. It’s good stuff. And there’s going to be a lot more. And this is, you know, like I said, so it’s build season. So you were just accepted to a really elite music program here in LA.

We’re not going to talk about all the details. You can know later, but you know, that’s also really big. So you’re going to be part of this program. Getting as much experience as I can. Um, under my belt and pushing, you know, my own brand and my business as far as I can to establish myself the best that I can by the time baby comes.

Yeah. So I’ve already done hopefully the vast majority of the grunt work required. You know, to propel my career, right? Which I mean, the upside is you’re doing so much of this already. It helps that you’re a trained composer. It helps that you’re trained and I have been doing it. But now with the energy of a baby, you know, like a little fuel to the fire.

It’s fuel on the fire. Because again, because you are a seasoned chicken, right? We don’t have a lot of we don’t. Yeah, transparently, transparently, we don’t have a lot to get in a second even. So it’s like, so all the work that I am like, I have to do it. Like right now, right. You know, because we also have to make moves on a baby, like right now, you know, sooner than later.

Yeah. So it’s like, you know, just preparing everything. So then by the time baby comes, we’re as prepared as we possibly can be and further our own stuff, the furthest we could be. So, cause I want to be a present dad, you know, you want to be a present mom. So let’s, let’s do it. Do what we need to do right now.

So then when baby comes, we can be in a better position. That’s right. And so do you have any, since you’re here and you know, the aunties love hearing from you any sort of feedback, I think for, uh, the aunties who are saying to themselves, gosh, maybe I do feel a call in my life to grow my family. Or, you know, is it possible to find someone who will love me, my children, my, cause also you’ve been parenting prepping by raising Allie as a stepdad.

You are full on stepdad mode. I mean, I can honestly say that. One of the blessings of knowing, of having kids is, I, and I can tell you fully, I don’t think I’ve ever told you this, so I’ll tell you now, but, um, I didn’t know how, what a blessing it was to be able to see you be a dad first. So, like, I always knew that I had a calling on my life to have more children.

That was something I, like, I always knew I was supposed to be a bio mom. I didn’t understand how that would manifest in my first marriage because there were other challenges, right? But I still have that call in my spirit. Once I was divorced. And so what was complicated for me was I didn’t know how that was going to be answered because there was also some of the fear and the trauma around it.

Plus I had three babies and I was getting older. So I was like, this doesn’t make sense to me. How am I even going to trust some dude to have children with them? And I didn’t realize that the blessing of already having and being a mom and three kids is that I was able to see you be a dad. Right. Also.

Yeah, I guess you got to sample it, too. I didn’t even know how amazing, like. And it’s been, you know, it was an adjustment at first. You know, I stumbled a couple of times. Because how can you just be plunged into fatherhood? Do you want to give an example of that stumbling? Or you don’t have to if you want to.

Oh, I don’t care. It’s fine. No, like the call. Oh, the call. The call, the call heard around. Not the call, her call not heard around the world. Right? Yeah. ’cause you were, you were on set. Mm-Hmm. . I was filming a TV show. Yeah. She was filming a show and, um, she asked, she, her schedule was crazy and she had asked me like, Hey, please call Allie at this time.

You know, we had already met. Mm-Hmm. and me and Ally were already kind of like. You know, getting to know each other and talking a little bit on her own, you know, if she had a problem or something, you know, I would, like, I’m here, you know, step in. She knew you were a resource. She knew I was a resource. And so, you know, you would ask me to call and check up on her, make sure everything’s all good.

Because it was our usual nighttime check, but I was on set for like 15 hours that day and because of time zones. Right. It was like, I’m not gonna make my, her 730 bedtime call, so I was like, hey, today I’m not gonna make it. Right. Can you just check in? Right, right, and, uh, and I You actually volunteered.

Yeah, I was like, yeah, I can absolutely do that, like, I can do that, and I completely spaced. Yeah. I completely spaced, I did not make that call. I guess like a priority for me that day. Like I, it was on the agenda to do. And I was like, okay, like I’ll give her a call. Like whatever, you know, I didn’t think it was a big, big deal, but the way you flipped out on me, because Allie was calling me and I was on set.

So I get back and you’ll understand what I’m saying now. And every mom listening already knows what I’m talking about. Like literally all the moms right now are like, and they love you, but they know what I’m feeling right now. When. I got off set and I look at my phone and I have like four or five missed calls from my daughter.

Every mom knows that for me, you, you would have to fight to keep me in California. I was ready to run because I’m like, that is not, no mom ever wants to experience that, right? So then it becomes, you know, first I check in on my baby, you know what I mean? And then I call you and I’m like, hey, you know, What happened here?

You know what I mean? Well, I’m saying it nicely here. I don’t know, but the mamas can catch my energy. Y’all can hear my tone right now. I was like, what happened here? And it’s so funny because a lot of people, I guess we’re going to keep it really candid. A lot of people don’t know that side of me.

Everyone thinks I’m so syrupy sweet or whatever, you know, and I am a nice person. But also it’s like, it’s like, it’s like mama bear. Mama bear is like really. It’s like very sweet and cuddly, but Mama Bear can also bawl. No, like my baseline is like grace, kindness, whatever, you know, but at the end of the day, when it comes to my, my company, like as a businesswoman, I am a businesswoman.

So, you know, different, different entities, different, different entities. And then when it comes to my children, I am a, um, Fierce protector, period. You’re not going to get like the niceties are out the window when it comes to my kids and I don’t care who you are and you were a new guy. You know what I mean?

This was a new level of trust because I never asked you to raise or help with my kids at that point. It was, I got, you know, but I wanted to help and I wanted to be helpful. My intentions were good. I went off on you. I went off. Oh, went off. Went off. I said, no. Oh yeah. And, and after that moment, I realized how bad it was.

It is that I really need to, like, change the way I’m thinking about this because I really need to step it up. If I say I’m going to do this, I really, really need to do it, especially if it concerns the kid. Yes. And, you know, and I’ve I don’t think I’ve stumbled. Never. Stumbled that bad. Not once. There’s maybe a couple little things where I dropped the ball, but like nothing like that.

Nothing like that. Not, and not even, and the thing is, let’s just be transparent. Missing a call is not even that bad. I’m not some like nutcase, right? It’s not that. It was that, it was the first thing. It was that you offered to do it, it was a trust factor, and it’s also, I know my girls, I know the trauma they’ve dealt with, I know their background, so if you say that you’re going to follow through with something, I need that follow through to happen.

Right, it doesn’t matter what it is. Right, and I also needed you to understand that like, hey, these are Kids. And if you let me down, it’s one thing. The kids are different animals. So it was just that it was a more loaded scenario, but the call itself, like now, if you miss a call with the kids, I’m like, it’s cool.

They’re fine. The scenario was loaded. And you also have an established history with them now. So it’s totally different. I’ve been very, very consistent. You have, I’ve been working on you. I’ve been working really, really hard. They, I mean, even if my older girls can’t get ahold of me, they know they can call you and talk through whatever the issue is.

Like, you know, You are basically they’re like number two go to person to talk to. And so it’s interesting because in that scenario, I remember being like really firm about like, Hey, don’t play with this. And since then we’ve had like the things that you drop the ball on are actually Things that honestly, I don’t know if I’ve told you that, but every parent drops the ball on.

Stuff like, hey, you know, you might have been a softie with the kid now, but she’s getting older now and you have to be firm. Or you might have pushed bedtime a little bit, but recognize you’re gonna deal with a pain in the morning. You know, like this is, that’s normal stuff, you know. But it was nice to see you, it’s been nice to see you parent.

With her because it’s only made me feel even more prepared. I never, I have never questioned if it was a good decision to have children with you. Like, and honestly, when I tell other people, I’m like, if that part of it, it feels like a privilege to get to be the mother of your children because you’re going to be such a good dad and I’m so grateful that I’m older.

And doing this because I’m so much wiser. Like I was married first at 22, so I was really young. I, I honestly didn’t have any business getting married in general. I was just too young, you know, like for me, some people it’s great, but for me, I wasn’t ready. but at 39, I couldn’t be more confident no matter what happens with us, that parenting with you is a privilege.

Because you are going to be an excellent father, an excellent, excellent father, like to me or anyone else, like hopefully nobody else, you know what I mean, but And I will also say in terms of like, you know, some women thinking if they have kids, like, like a guy is not going to be into that. Yeah, yeah. Um, it’s funny because a lot of people in my family are actually, Step parents, like my, my cousin’s dog is, uh, a stepfather, and now they have their own bio kid and it’s just one.

I wouldn’t have known if you hadn’t said anything. They’re just one big family. Yeah. And then for her and my cousin, Lisa, she, she is a stepmother. I forget about that. Yeah. Her husband, uh, Michael has two She has bios also. And now they have their bios. So, you know, and I’m the third, I’m the third in my family, in my immediate family to be a step parent.

So this is not rare, at least on my family. And this isn’t, It’s probably less, it’s less rare than we think it is. It’s probably less rare, yeah. And it’s not as weird as people think it is or whatever. It’s like if you, Love this person, you know, you love all of you love all of them. I think that that may be the feedback that we can leave people with is just, you know, as you are looking to shape your life and prepare for the future and things like that.

If you feel like your kids are a hindrance, little do you know, you may be putting your ick into the moment, you know, and your own preconceived notions and your partner’s not even thinking about that. If anything, your partner could be thinking or potential partner or future partner could be thinking it’s a bonus.

It’s a blessing, you know, and I think that every single day as I see you parent, and as we plan for our future, it feels like a blessing. Yes. So thank you so much for having this conversation with me here. It’s, uh, I will say it’s weird to talk about this stuff. It’s interesting cause we only really share like 10 percent of where we are.

We share the rest later, but it feels weird to talk about it, you know, here. But, I appreciate it because I know that it can be helpful for so many and the internet aunties are always keeping an eye on you. So when they hear from you periodically, it’s a good thing. I know I need them on my side. So I’m uh, I’m glad.

You’re all right. I love you so much. Thank you for being here. Yeah, for sure.

 

In this episode, Alex and I chat about:
  • What were each focused on prepping for baby,
  • The reality behind prepping our careers for this season,
  • Why we’re keeping a healthy attitude, and
  • What the next steps for us are!
Resources and links mentioned in this episode:
  • Let’s connect over on Instagram and Facebook!
  • Find your feel with Nike Bras & Leggings deliver supportive flexibility and comfort for whatever your day brings. Shop now at Nike.com
  • Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
  • Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
  • Y’all are LOVING our recent chat with Kitty Brundtner of March Fourth! Don’t miss it – listen here or watch here
  • I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

You CAN help!

You CAN help!

by | May 6, 2024

You CAN Help!

We’re chatting about a hot button topic today but I believe you’ll walk away from this couch chat appreciating how reasonable and logical it was. The best news about this issue is that you CAN help.

Kitty Brundtner, founder of the organization March Fourth, is here to share why she founded this organization and what singular mission they have.

Kitty is team extra just like us and thank the Lord she is because she is doing the things we don’t necessarily want to. With that said, participation is required to make positive change and that’s where we come in, friend.

Let’s dive into this chat with open minds and a lot of grace. Thanks for being here, friend!

 

Nicole Walters: Hey friends, I’m so excited for another couch chat. I know that we’ve been talking about bigger things this season and everything from, you know, what it’s like navigating life post divorce, finances, politics. I mean, we have really been diving in on the things that matter to us. And if you know, anything about me. I’m all about making sure that we are grace filled, that we are as balanced as we can be while maintaining our values and our ethics and morals.

Nicole Walters: But I also want to make sure that you have every single thing you need to make the choice that makes sense for you, your family, and yourself. and your neighbor. And what that means is I don’t just lean on my own understanding. I also bring in my good friends who I think are experts in their respective space, but also are doing big things and have the receipts to show for it.

Nicole Walters: And for that reason, I’m really excited because I am here today with my dear friend Kitty. And if you don’t know about Kitty Branner, you are about to be. Beyond Florida, you know, I don’t bring people on if I don’t think it’s worth the time and we’re gonna actually chat about something That’s a pretty hot button issue and I tell you people get fired up about this But by the end of this conversation, I think you’re gonna be like I did not know that that is such a reasonable Way to look at this issue and I’m not gonna get all roped up in the internet back and forth You I’m going to make sure that I am empowered to think for myself and to do what I think makes the most sense because we’re sensible folk.

Nicole Walters: So, Kitty Brandert’s here, and she is the founder and CEO of March. And, uh, this is an incredible organization that is doing powerful things. And I’m going to have Kitty tell you a little bit more about that. Kitty, thank you so much for being here.

Kitty Brundtner: Thank you for having me. This is the best day. I’m so excited.

Nicole Walters: am so excited that you’re here. People don’t know we have such, um, when we met, I was like, Oh, she is my people’s like, Just the same energy mostly because we are we are the people that see an issue and it’s not just like oh I saw the paper and picked it up. We’re like I saw the paper. I picked it up I build a built a robot that now picks up paper and I bought the restaurant and I revamped it and then I also Recycled said paper like we are team the most you are that person you are team Extra the most you saw an issue and you fix an issue.

Nicole Walters: So let’s get right into that. What is March 4th? What’s it about? What’s the issue?

Kitty Brundtner: Yes, so March 4th is an organization that I founded accidentally.

Nicole Walters: Mm

Kitty Brundtner: It is a nonpartisan organization and the only

Nicole Walters: does nonpartisan mean? Just so people can understand

Kitty Brundtner: nonpartisan means we are not aligned with either party. In fact, we’re aligned with no party. It’s regardless of the political parties, we are focused on the issue. And that issue is singular. And that is to reinstate the federal ban on assault weapons. And I have to use the word reinstate. And I didn’t know this when I founded March 4th almost two years ago, America had an assault weapons ban for 10 years.

Nicole Walters: Okay. So first things first, because I do think that the word ban can feel so triggery, especially for anyone here, because I’ve got, I mean, we run the gamut here, right? Like I’ve got my old school Southern sisters and I’ve got, you know, my two way right, you know, like I grew up in a hunting family, you know, and I also have, you know, people in my community that are like, listen, like I have never touched a weapon and you know, what are you talking about here?

Nicole Walters: Like, so just help me understand. Cause I think the word ban can sound kind of crazy pants and ban makes me think, you know, just kind of speaking for everyone, you mean no guns in existence in anywhere. And so tell me what that, so that’s not it.

Kitty Brundtner: Goodness, no. No. And I think that’s the biggest focus, like, the reason that we have found this niche is I think for so long the conversation has been all the guns are no guns.

Nicole Walters: Which is what, I mean that’s, people say gun control, it must mean that, or gun ban, it must mean that. You know, so, all guns, no guns.

Kitty Brundtner: Right. And there’s just, you can’t have that polarizing of a stance in America to get anything done regardless of what it is.

Nicole Walters: I can’t even have that stance in my house to figure out dinner. Like pizza or salads.

Kitty Brundtner: the type of pizza.

Nicole Walters: People will be like, starve. I choose option three,

Kitty Brundtner: We cannot agree. So I think what’s really interesting is to look at this as, yes, we had an assault weapons ban.

Kitty Brundtner: What that meant was assault weapons, which are military grade weapons, weapons that were designed to be used in war and kill the most amount of people in the shortest amount of time as effectively as possible.

Nicole Walters: like the Arnold Schwarzenegger, like cool, fast, super fast shooting, those type of things. That’s an assault weapon, not just like a hunting rifle.

Kitty Brundtner: No. I mean, it’s think, I mean, it’s an AR 15, it’s an AK 47. These weapons were designed for one purpose and from 1994 to 2004, with both Democrats and Republicans supporting the bill, it was signed into law and we did not have civilian access to these weapons.

Nicole Walters: Wait, so I think this is actually really important to call out because most of us don’t even know this. And I think we don’t know this because, frankly, we benefited from it. And You know how you just didn’t even realize it was a thing until it wasn’t there. So I’m gonna be really honest I Feel like and I think a lot of you know, my friends on here will say the same thing Like things got really crazy recently with like school shootings, mass shootings, things like that.

Nicole Walters: And when I say crazy, I do remember like Columbine growing up, right? Like I do remember that there were mass shooting events, but I feel like that the casualties are just so much worse. Like, you used to hear about, like, you know, things would happen, like, in a mall, and it’d be, like, five people or ten people, and which, look, every single life is relevant and matters, but I felt like it wasn’t as big, but all of a sudden, you know, how we, like, do we think back to fonder times?

Nicole Walters: Now I’m, like, what do you mean at a concert a hundred people are, you know, dead and injured? What do you mean an entire year? School classroom now is that because or is there some correlation between the salt like walk me through if that’s what we’re seeing and feeling and why? 94 to 2004 Felt like golden era.

Kitty Brundtner: So what I always say is the only benefit of this law expiring is that we have the data to know that it worked. we know, because data, that you were 70 percent less likely to die in a mass shooting when this law was in place. When the law expired in 2004, Mass shootings began to skyrocket to the point where we are now, where we’re breaking our own American records every year of most mass shootings in a year.

Kitty Brundtner: And that is.

Nicole Walters: you’re saying it’s getting worse every year. It’s not that it’s just a lot, it’s just every year it’s

Kitty Brundtner: yeah, that hockey stick, mm hmm. And there’s many, many reasons and a lot of different, you know, there’s a lot of complexities, but my whole goal, my career is in sales and it’s about translating things and making it easy to understand. Like, I went to a Big Ten university, I am not an Ivy Leaguer, I am not a scholar or policy wonk.

Kitty Brundtner: If I can understand this, Anyone can. And so when we look at this, when I founded this organization, it was after several mass shootings had occurred and the common denominator was that the shooter obtained the AR 15 legally.

Nicole Walters: Correct. Every time that one of these shootings happens, it’s always, well, they were mentally unwell. And you know, what we really need to do is have better screening, both for their mental wellness in addition to for them to have access to weapons.

Nicole Walters: Transcribed But what you’re telling me is that in these situations, the weapons were obtained legally, but it wouldn’t have been legal in 2000, between 94 and 2004.

Kitty Brundtner: And what I’m saying is, look, gun violence is a rampant

Nicole Walters: a huge issue. Just in general. We’re not talking about solving every problem entirely,

Kitty Brundtner: And, and we can’t. But, if you look at the deadliest mass shootings, the common denominator is the legally obtained assault weapon. And so our whole thing is, if we could mitigate that, shouldn’t we?

Nicole Walters: We, so we would cut down, I mean, just the numbers of the numbers. If we were to reinstate this, then my odds is 70 percent right away, less likely to die in a mass shooting. Me, my child, my neighbor, my, my husband.

Kitty Brundtner: Yeah, based on the data of when it existed, I think when you look at the, the,

Nicole Walters: But possibly even more now, cause you said it’s going up.

Kitty Brundtner: precisely, when you look at the effectiveness of these weapons, and we have brought doctors and physicians to the Hill kind of to explain this from a data perspective. These weapons were designed to be as effective as possible. And what that means is they create the Trigger warning, like cavities in the body, right?

Kitty Brundtner: So we have doctors come to the hill saying, hey, I, no matter how highly trained I am or where I’ve studied, I can’t recreate an organ. so while I can try to save a gunshot victim wound, right, where it’s an inbound, in and out, um, wound. Like, I can’t recreate an organ. I can’t recreate an organ in somebody’s body.

Kitty Brundtner: They will tell Congress, I cannot save a child who is hit by an AR 15 because the surface area, the way these bullets work, you cannot

Nicole Walters: too big. It’s blowing up the body.

Kitty Brundtner: correct. So we don’t have the, we don’t have the tools to react to these weapons. So when they are used, and the reason they are the mass shooter’s weapon of choice is because they’re effective.

Nicole Walters: Because, because I’m, because let’s just be completely transparent. If you have a mental health issue or you are a child or you are young, you may not be a very good shooter. So let me pick something that I know will help me accomplish my goal without being very good at whatever the skill is. So also when you tell me this piece about kind of what doctors are saying about, because I thank God that I don’t have intimate knowledge of this and I pray that I go my whole life without ever knowing.

Nicole Walters: anything about how this goes, but I also know that if things, if something isn’t done, whether or not people agree with what we’re having a conversation here, that it is just what it is, right? Like, so we pray that it’s better, but what you’re telling me about this sort of body damage piece is that right now, If there is a mass shooting and someone is using an assault weapon, it’s basically like before, if it was just like a hunting rifle or a handgun, I could go in there and throw the equivalent of a,

Kitty Brundtner: grape at

Nicole Walters: let’s say a grape at people.

Nicole Walters: And I could only throw three grapes. And so I would hit three people. But now in my odds of trying to hit someone with an assault rifle, it’s like me throwing watermelons and having the ability to hit 50 people.

Kitty Brundtner: and having a conveyor belt of watermelons, if you have a high capacity magazine, which basically allows you to reload and reload, you know, not have to reload basically.

Kitty Brundtner: So I think it’s easy to get technical with this topic, but at the, at the end of the day, what we’re trying to do is limit. Death is, is,

Nicole Walters: We’re not trying to honestly we’re not trying to fix guns, that’s what you’re saying. It’s just I just want less people to die if possible

Kitty Brundtner: And, and what’s really shocking to me is two thirds of America, including half of Republicans agree.

Kitty Brundtner: So we have the majority of America that supports the reinstatement of the assault weapon ban because it is logic. And when I started this, that was the biggest, like, question that I had

Nicole Walters: take me back to that when did you start this why did this happen two years ago? What what lightbulb made you feel like this is something worth your

Kitty Brundtner: so I always say when Sandy Hook happened, I was 25 and it was horrific. I think we all remember where we were that day. Um, but as a naive and selfish 25 year old, I just figured that the adults in the room would figure it

Nicole Walters: Oh, obviously

Kitty Brundtner: time it impacted

Nicole Walters: obviously

Kitty Brundtner: And then that didn’t happen. And so when the tragedy at Uvalde at Robb Elementary happened in May of 2022, I was completely wrecked because for the first time I could picture This impacting my life in a very real way because I was sending my oldest child to kindergarten that fall.

Kitty Brundtner: And I realized I was sending her to a mass shooting target in elementary school because I had to educate her in our country. And I remember my husband and I went overseas for a long planned trip the day after Yuvaldi Happens What’s What. All I could talk about. And we were fortunate enough to go to the French Open.

Kitty Brundtner: And so it’s this like collection, melting pot of people from across the world. So it was the only thing I could talk about. And as you remember, it was all over the news. And so people knew, right? And these are parents from France, Germany, England, Spain, New Zealand, Australia. And it was as if they all got together before talking to me and created their talking points because their feedback was the exact same.

Kitty Brundtner: They were like, I’m so sorry, we’ve seen how horrible and this will never be our reality. Like we don’t have access to guns, let alone assault weapons. So we just don’t get what you guys are doing over there. And I think that planted a seed of, we know this is an American problem, but when you get outside your bubble and realize that whole, like no one.

Kitty Brundtner: This isn’t normal, right? And then about a month later, it was the 4th of July. And, um, because of COVID, my kids had never been to a parade, and I have three young kids at the time. They were five and twin two year olds. Um, and we went to our hometown parade, and the town over from us had another parade.

Kitty Brundtner: Suddenly we’re getting calls that there’s an active shooter at the parade, the town over. And, um, you know, at first you’re like, no, no, like that must

Nicole Walters: is not even real, like, no, it’s not

Kitty Brundtner: something one off, no. And then it was very quickly, um, very sobering where we had to shelter in place from the man at large with an AR 15 who had just wreaked havoc on this day that we’re celebrating American independence, right?

Kitty Brundtner: And um, I’m getting text messages from friends that had run for their lives and one of them had shared a blanket with a now orphaned, uh, Uh, two year old whose parents brought him to a parade and didn’t come home, right? And it was the worst day. And I remember my five year old being like, in her red, white, and blue at home, Why can’t we go outside?

Kitty Brundtner: And my husband and I are, you know, in tears trying to figure out what’s going on with the news in the other room. And in my head, I’m like, The reason you can’t go outside on the Fourth of July is because I’m raising you in America. That’s why. And so for 24 hours it was, it was despair and like this is

Nicole Walters: Mm hmm, Mm

Kitty Brundtner: And still it was the worst 24 hours. And then I just got pissed and spicy. And if people know me, they know that that doesn’t take a lot for me to get opinionated about something. And I’m like, okay. So I start talking to the internet as one does, and I’m like, why does someone need an AR 15?

Kitty Brundtner: What am I missing? Is there something that like is requiring this to be a part of our lives?

Nicole Walters: Can I just, like, pause for a second and say I appreciate this energy of, of, of people Your first step was actually research. Like, why is this a thing?

Nicole Walters: And I think that that’s something a lot of us are missing because we’re so caught up in our own values and experiences where we just say, Well, I always grew up with guns. Well, I always, you know, this is what it was. Like, I mean, you know, I’m African. Like, hunting or, you know, kind of being involved in your environment.

Nicole Walters: Like, it’s just not, culturally, guns are not part of our culture in that sense.

Kitty Brundtner: way,

Nicole Walters: But it’s, that’s, it’s not unusual, you know, to be able to interact in that way. You know, so I think it’s interesting to hear that your first response with your spicy feisty nature, right, you know, was what am I missing? And so you went online to get information, much like some people are listening right now who are saying, look, like I didn’t know this stuff, you know, so what were you looking up?

Kitty Brundtner: I was, I was trying to educate myself on like how the government works, like if we wanted to do this or why hasn’t this been done or what am I

Nicole Walters: you know about the ban

Kitty Brundtner: no, I didn’t. What I like to say is like, I voted. That was my, I wasn’t hiding under a rock, but I stayed on the sidelines and shame on me on a lot of issues.

Nicole Walters: if it’s shame on you, then it’s shame on all of us because I think a lot of us are just we think that that’s our civic duty, you know, like we’re content to live our lives, you know, so I think that’s We all feel that

Kitty Brundtner: yeah, but I think like I sidelined myself because I’m like, well, I, I, I couldn’t possibly write. I don’t know.

Nicole Walters: big and I don’t know what to do and

Kitty Brundtner: I don’t have that

Nicole Walters: actually designed for us to be able to participate.

Kitty Brundtner: Yes. Which I didn’t realize, but I just, I’m like, I would look at things and be like, well, I’m not smart enough for that. I don’t understand that.

Nicole Walters: Or it’s too big.

Kitty Brundtner: got

Nicole Walters: Yeah. Yeah.

Kitty Brundtner: so as I started just being like, all right, I’m going to figure like, I just want to understand what am I missing? Because clearly there must be something.

Nicole Walters: Of course.

Kitty Brundtner: And I remember talking to friends that I had that worked on the Hill and they’re kind of like, well, here’s the deal.

Kitty Brundtner: This, this, this. I’m like, does Congress work? Well, what my first question was, can the president create an executive order to ban assault weapons?

Nicole Walters: I don’t know, can he?

Kitty Brundtner: he? No, we are not. We’re not a dictatorship. It won’t stand. Um, and I’m like, well, that, okay. When you say it like that, that makes

Nicole Walters: I love that you’re like, what is the fastest way to get what I want? If I can just text this guy and be like, hey, can you just issue a thing and then we can be done? Because this is, I have anxiety and I’ve got twins. This is so mom.

Kitty Brundtner: it’s mom, but it’s like privileged white woman, like, Okay, just like, let me know

Nicole Walters: I hear you. Who do I need to call? Find me a manager right

Kitty Brundtner: know it’s a white man. Find me the white man.

Nicole Walters: Right now.

Kitty Brundtner: And so I, I started asking that, but the answer is no.

Kitty Brundtner: Congress passes laws. I’m like, hey, good to know. I must’ve fallen asleep in that civics class or whatever. And so, as we start, as I started getting this information, I started getting even more like this echo chamber was louder and louder of people like, I know this is insane, etc. And so I asked. I think I want to go to DC and scream at the top of my lungs that I want a federal ban on assault weapons.

Kitty Brundtner: Does anyone want to come? I understand it’s going to be hard. I understand it’s a long shot. I have to do something. I have to start somewhere.

Nicole Walters: to put this somewhere right now. Yeah.

Kitty Brundtner: And I published my email address and I went to bed. And then I woke up to 300 emails. And, like, for the first time in 48 hours, I was crying tears of, like, hope instead of just complete despair and devastation.

Kitty Brundtner: And it was people from across the country, like, Hey, I work on the Hill. I can help you. Oh, I work in PR. I can help you. Oh, I do event planning. I can help you. So this organization was founded two days after a massacre and, right, and on the backs of many, many other tragedies, right? This has been building.

Kitty Brundtner: Um, and I remember reaching out to a lot of other orgs that already existed, like, Hey. I can

Nicole Walters: So that’s what I was going to ask you. So there are so many organizations that have some degree of task or goal related to, I’m just going to call it solving or addressing our issue around gun violence. You know, whether it is gun violence between gangs or gun violence in homes or gun usage, there’s lots of.

Nicole Walters: I’m gonna, and this is me sort of holding your feet to the fire for anyone who’s listening, you know, why are you different? What is different about March 4th that like you’re, cause I mean I’m a big proponent of put your money where it’s already working. You’re brand new, what is different about this that makes you think you’re gonna be more effective than the next

Kitty Brundtner: Totally. And like why do we need another one?

Nicole Walters: Literally, like literally though, like what is, so you saw all these people and this is great and you’re feisty, what’s different?

Kitty Brundtner: So, number one, being non partisan is actually pretty uncommon in this space.

Nicole Walters: So, me what makes you nonpartisan compared to everyone else, because people hear gun control, people hear ban. It doesn’t feel nonpartisan. There are people right now who are saying, no, if you’re trying to take away my right to have whatever gun I want, then that’s not nonpartisan.

Nicole Walters: That is liberal.

Kitty Brundtner: Fair.

Nicole Walters: Mm

Kitty Brundtner: Now, perhaps, that rhetoric, if you, if you, if all you’re doing is listening to the media then that’s maybe what you think. The reason we’re nonpartisan is because many of our supporters are from both parties or they’re like me, who’s a political atheist and I don’t believe I have a home,

Nicole Walters: hmm. And your funding isn’t from one or the other. Will you take everybody’s money who’s interested

Kitty Brundtner: Oh yeah,

Nicole Walters: Okay, good. I just wanted to make sure. Because there’s nothing that screams nonpartisan that we take everybody’s

Kitty Brundtner: Well, that was like a very big thing in the beginning is we made a very conscious effort to not fundraise on ActBlue. com where a lot of our peer organizations fundraise because I’m not here to get anyone elected. I’m not here to favor one party or the other. The fact of the matter is, It hasn’t, we haven’t reinstated this law in almost 30 years.

Kitty Brundtner: And that’s been, there’s been power shifted on both

Nicole Walters: That’s right. And

Kitty Brundtner: so I think it’s important to, I understand the, the partisan talking heads and all of that. At the end of the day

Nicole Walters: the babies. That’s what this sounds like. It sounds like you’re a mom who’s here to make sure our babies are okay.

Kitty Brundtner: Yes, and when I, and going to logic, when this law was passed, we had Democrats and some Republicans, including the support of President Ronald Reagan, written in a letter that’s published, you can find it, supporting this law.

Kitty Brundtner: And so for it to be said, for it to be said now that this is partisan is just incorrect.

Nicole Walters: just doesn’t support

Kitty Brundtner: It is

Nicole Walters: Like, like you’re actually, so you’re not even talking about modifications to the original law. You’re saying put this thing back in place that was written and supported by Ronald Reagan and also selected Democrats. Okay, so it’s just, this is, I mean, it’s basically like, Hey, we all agree that murder is illegal.

Nicole Walters: I’m pretty sure that’s nonpartisan. Okay. So this is like a similar concept.

Kitty Brundtner: I go into meetings on the Hill, and we mostly meet with Republicans because they are less likely to be out front on this issue because of the past two decades of this rhetoric.

Kitty Brundtner: And where we start is, I think we can all agree that we don’t want to see children being murdered in school. Right? We may not agree on the solution to fix that, but let’s start there. And that’s where I’m going to my 15 year sales career of, if I walked into my clients or prospective customers offices and was like, you’re using this vendor?

Kitty Brundtner: That’s stupid. You’re doing this wrong. They’re not going to work with

Nicole Walters: Of course not. Of course not.

Kitty Brundtner: so it’s like how, and I’m not meeting with them once. I’ve now met with over 400 offices and we meet with them multiple times. Like, you build relationships with people, you bring them closer to the middle. I think a really interesting fact when you think about public policy is that it follows public sentiment.

Kitty Brundtner: It doesn’t follow it as fast as we would like. But if you look

Nicole Walters: as long as we get their lives will be saved, correct? Mm-Hmm.

Kitty Brundtner: and I do a lot of reading on, because all we have is history of like, how does change happen? Because to me, from a logic and data perspective, we agree on this. Majority of America agrees that we don’t have tanks in our driveways and we don’t need assault weapons in our homes.

Nicole Walters: Mm-Hmm.

Kitty Brundtner: Couple quick things on that. This law will not, will not. take anyone’s guns away. So this is by definition, not a gun grab. Any legally owned assault weapon is grandfathered in. So it’s like, we’re talking about the future sale and manufacturer of assault weapons that we know to be the mass shooter’s weapon of choice.

Kitty Brundtner: And we’d like to mitigate that. So that’s one piece. The other piece.

Nicole Walters: not put new weapons into the hands of new babies who want to be new shooters. Makes sense to me.

Kitty Brundtner: start somewhere that we can, you know, agree on. Um, the other thing you mentioned is, is the bill. There’s now, for the first time in almost 30 years, there’s two different pieces of legislation that could accomplish the same thing. And when you look at the government, which I’ve had to learn a lot about in the past two years, There’s normally dozens if not hundreds of different bills to accomplish one

Nicole Walters: Mm hmm. Mm

Kitty Brundtner: time we’ve had one. Now since November, we have a second bill that accomplishes the same thing. So that is progress. And I have to hold on to all of these little pieces of progress,

Nicole Walters: yeah. I mean, but they’re all required. I mean, these are the steps that were taken for it to come into place the first time. So, I mean, we’re headed in the right direction. And what else makes March 4th different? Because I know that when I think of other organizations, what I always hear is they want a ban and they also want training and they also want like, so what are all the things that March 4th also wants?

Nicole Walters: Reinstatement.

Kitty Brundtner: We want to reinstate the assault weapons ban and then we’re gonna stop doing this.

Nicole Walters: So you want to get out of business?

Kitty Brundtner: I would love

Nicole Walters: You want to go home?

Kitty Brundtner: put me out of business and by out of business, I mean, we’re a nonprofit and I’m a volunteer. So

Nicole Walters: right. That’s

Kitty Brundtner: me back my

Nicole Walters: That’s right. You’re like, I’m, I’m trying to not go to the hill anymore. I don’t want to talk to these people anymore.

Kitty Brundtner: But like, I think what’s important to know when you think about what’s different is that there are, gun violence to your point, has so many pieces, pieces to this puzzle to solve.

Kitty Brundtner: We’ve got red flag laws. We’ve got safe storage. We’ve got waiting periods. We’ve got, like, we have so many things to solve. to focus on. And if everything is important, then nothing is. I learned that in business and it’s very true in advocacy. And so our goal is to take the low hanging fruit of gun legislation, which is a law that already existed and worked, and bring it back.

Kitty Brundtner: And if we can help propel the movement that way, then wonderful. We’re not here to tackle all the things, and that may be a negative in some people’s eyes, and it may be a pos It, it is what it is. I think we’re playing our piece of the puzzle in a non partisan way, singularly focused, and we work with a lot of these organizations behind the scenes and I’ve gotten to know a lot of these leaders and they’re doing wonderful work and at a bunch of different levels, right?

Kitty Brundtner: There’s a lot of local and state level, um, laws that people are focused on. We are federal. It has to, guns don’t respect state lines.

Nicole Walters: Yes,

Kitty Brundtner: be federal. And so being singularly focused also helps because I have ADHD and I’m like, just tell me one thing. I can drive

Nicole Walters: Let me just drill down on that detail and get it done. So you know what’s interesting is learning more about the organization and meeting you and sort of seeing my own like fiery soul sister and get it done this, you know, uh, It also can be overwhelming when we, as regular folk, are like, Okay, so I’m all in.

Nicole Walters: You know, because I know that’s what people hearing right now are like, Oh, you’re, you’re preaching to the choir, sister. Like, these are already things that I was thinking all this time. I know already, y’all, that you are having these conversations in your home, and you’re already saying to yourself, I feel the same way.

Nicole Walters: I just didn’t realize that there was a place that wasn’t trying to do all the things, you know, and I’m letting you know, there’s a place for this, but we ain’t like you. Okay. We’re not like I’m running up to Hill and taking care of twins. And I don’t know if we, I don’t know if we can do it. I don’t know if we could do it, Katie.

Nicole Walters: So What does it look like to help or to do something to kind of head us in this direction, even if we can’t? Because sometimes we get overwhelmed.

Kitty Brundtner: Yeah,

Nicole Walters: Like, I mean, you saw this, you, you know, flew to Europe, you, you held your own like fake me out UN at a, at a tennis tourney and then came back and founded a company.

Nicole Walters: Okay, Katie, you’re different. Okay. For the rest of us. What do we do from our kitchens to help you?

Kitty Brundtner: So our whole, like, slogan, I guess you could say, is participation is required. And what’s nice is, like, participation is whatever it looks like for you. So you know that saying the best kind of sunscreen is the kind you’ll wear?

Kitty Brundtner: The best kind of participation is the kind you’ll do. So that could be following us on Instagram and just getting a little peek into, like, what we’re doing and what the updates are and what your little task of the day can

Nicole Walters: Can we also tell the truth about that, y’all, from a business standpoint? The more followers they have, the more visibility they’re going to have on the hill. Because you better believe that if there’s anything that politicians pay attention to, it’s how many people can you reach the ear of.

Kitty Brundtner: It’s so weird.

Nicole Walters: so weird, but they may not understand what the internet is, right?

Nicole Walters: But they definitely understand if you’re saying I can send one tweet and reach a million people.

Kitty Brundtner: say, oh god, I wish it was a million. We’re working on it. But you know what? I, that’s, it’s such a true thing. I remember being on the Hill and, and this is how we communicate. It’s

Nicole Walters: Mm hmm.

Kitty Brundtner: would you like us to tell our 60, 000 followers? And they’re like, oh, okay. Um, well now that we’re talking, you know,

Nicole Walters: Mm hmm.

Kitty Brundtner: bit more pressure on.

Kitty Brundtner: So yeah, participation could be following us. It will give you access to like what, but we try to just break it down. We’re not gonna, you know, put the bill in front of you. Yes. If again, my, like, The barometer is me,

Nicole Walters: Mm hmm.

Kitty Brundtner: University of Iowa grad, go Hawkeyes, but like, we’re not known for our intelligence necessarily.

Kitty Brundtner: I can talk to people, but that’s about it. And then the other thing, you know, I think there’s different steps. You could call your legislators, and we can tell you, A, who are those people? Because that’s things that maybe people don’t know, and we have a link in our bio that’ll show you who are your senators and your representative, a literal link that will click and start a conversation.

Kitty Brundtner: dialing those numbers. You don’t even have to write down a phone number. Let’s make it easy. Um, what to say in that 30 second call with a 22 year old intern. It’s not scary. I promise. Um, or even coming to the Hill with us and lobbying with us. And we just try to make this advocacy journey accessible. but I think the ultimate goal is participation.

Kitty Brundtner: When you think about the The gun violence epidemic in America, it’s easy to say, well, I don’t get involved in guns. I don’t get involved in

Nicole Walters: just have a

Kitty Brundtner: here’s the problem with that statement. Guns are the number one killer of kids in America, and they have been for two years. And so,

Nicole Walters: to that?

Kitty Brundtner: car crashes.

Nicole Walters: Wow.

Kitty Brundtner: And, more than cancer, more than cars, like, the problem with, with saying you don’t get involved is if it were any other product that killed kids at this rate, we’d pull it from the shelves,

Nicole Walters: Oh my gosh, baby formula? I mean, we have recalls just in case. We’re like, hey, we found out that we had two cans of something that did something weird, and so we pulled every item from the shelf. You cannot have it anymore.

Kitty Brundtner: But the same weapon is used, being purchased legally, in all of these mass shootings. And we’re like, well, it’s not the time to talk about it. It is. It’s a product. The Second Amendment is sound, but it is not unlimited. And that’s the whole point here, is we believe in the right to bear arms.

Nicole Walters: basically talking about moderation. You know, which is, is, it’s really interesting because, I mean, the more that I have been involved in this conversation, it just is, y’all, it’s in such keeping with everything we talk about, about grace, about recognizing that we’re imperfect, about doing our best with what we’ve got.

Nicole Walters: This is not about showing up and being superheroes. This is not about perfect solutions. This is literally saying, look, I am not going to instantly become a gluten free, vegan, you know, wheatgrass shot drinking. two a day workout person if I’m eating donuts every day, but your girl can eat a salad because it is one step in one direction.

Nicole Walters: And I really appreciate that, you know, and you guys know I’m always trying to elevate voices and find people that allow us to create change with grace. And that really sounds like what you’re trying to do here is just a graceful solution that can make a difference.

Kitty Brundtner: Yeah.

Kitty Brundtner: And, and it’s, again, it’s a low hanging fruit. Like we already had it. This isn’t new. And I think that’s the best thing is

Nicole Walters: And actually what’s interesting is we already had it and anyone listening right now, you know, unless you are, you know, 12, you know, like you pretty much grew up and benefited from a time where this existed. That is real.

Kitty Brundtner: the thing. I think about my high school career and I never did a lockdown drill. We did tornado

Nicole Walters: drill. I didn’t even know what a lockdown drill

Kitty Brundtner: Right. You can’t prevent tornadoes. So we did tornado drills. But now we’ve got this generation that is coined generation lockdown and what they know to be normal is drills to hide. we have easy access to weapons. That’s just why. Yes, we have mental health issues. So does the rest of the country, or the world. The rest of the world hasn’t cured mental illness. there’s something, right, again, this is logic.

Nicole Walters: all humans. So

Kitty Brundtner: is the problem. It’s not all guns, I understand, but can we limit the access to the ones that create the most damage that you actually cannot use in hunting because you cannot eat the animal that you shoot with an AR 15 if it explodes?

Nicole Walters: That makes so much I mean, honestly, it’s like, man, we wish they didn’t even exist at all, so that we wouldn’t even have this conversation. Because you can still have a whole war and not have, you know, assault weapons. But, yeah, all the

Kitty Brundtner: yeah, I think when you think about like the, the benefits and stuff, I think that’s another really interesting point real quick is when we go to the Hill and we meet with these offices, oftentimes you’re meeting with their staffers that manage these

Nicole Walters: sure.

Kitty Brundtner: And what we’ve noticed is we’re meeting with a lot of these graduates of the Generation Lockdown.

Kitty Brundtner: And so, And so even in, in Republican offices, right, these are people saying, well, yeah, this makes

Nicole Walters: Mm hmm.

Kitty Brundtner: to explain it as a theoretical, like they’ve lived it.

Nicole Walters: I hate to say it, but y’all, Gen Z has babies now. I remember for me as a millennial, I was like, oh, Gen Z’s the young ones? No, no, no. Gen Alpha’s driving. Gen Z has babies. We are the olds. Okay? So now that we are officially the olds, we’ve got this, this Gen Z generation that literally does not, they were born in 2002, so they weren’t in school.

Nicole Walters: Mm hmm. when this ban was in effect. So they only know drills. They only know school shootings. And what’s amazing is we can create a world. And this is what you’re building. And I applaud you for every single day, Kitty, a world where our grandchildren. are able to go to school and not have lockdown drills.

Kitty Brundtner: Totally. Totally. And the thing is like, I wish it was just schools, you know,

Nicole Walters: anywhere. Yeah,

Kitty Brundtner: it’s just when you look at this, like concerts, I haven’t been to a movie

Nicole Walters: movie theater. You know, things like that. And I

Kitty Brundtner: recently a bowling alley.

Nicole Walters: bowling alley. I mean, and I, I posted recently on a trip, uh, that whenever I go and stay in my hotel room, I bring like some sort of extra secure lock for my door. Um, it’s just something I do. I travel a lot and, you know, it’s just being mindful, even if, because, I mean, heck, I’ve had people come in to the wrong room, you know, or it’s been, or housekeeping coming in early.

Nicole Walters: So I was showing kind of how I jury reg a hanger in order to kind of double lock my doors. And what was interesting, and I will never forget this, and I wanted to tell you and all of you that are listening, I had a teacher comment. And a teacher said, Hey, I just want you to know that, uh, we had someone come in who, uh, taught us that if you have one of those doors that has the sort of, uh, bendy hinge at the top, you can actually just use like a tie or a belt and just tie it around that, and that’ll actually keep the door jammed a lot better than a hanger.

Nicole Walters: And, you know, I’m a teacher and they taught us that for our classroom. And here I was, because I don’t have lockdown drills, having what was quote unquote a normal interactive conversation where she was offering an enhancement on how to barricade a door. And this is a teacher who teaches kindergarten, and she learned this about her classroom.

Nicole Walters: And my response to that, there are lots of, you know, people who respond to the comment, they’re like, oh, thank you, or that’s good, or that’s interesting. And my response to that, and where I want to leave all of us here today was, I’m really sorry. that you know that information. And I’m grateful that you shared it with me today, but I really hope that there’s a world where you will never need that.

Nicole Walters: And you will never have to reteach that because that is not what our teachers should be

Kitty Brundtner: No. They didn’t sign up for this.

Nicole Walters: And Kitty, I’m so grateful and thankful to you for being here today teaching us and getting to Capitol Hill and teaching them. And I cannot wait until you are so entirely unemployed from this profession and staying home every single day.

Nicole Walters: and I just want to say thanks for my grandchildren in advance. because they’re going to be safe and they’re going to grow and they’re going to thrive. So I appreciate and I see you in all you do and I’m here to support you in any way possible. And I know everyone here is going to follow and do all the things.

Kitty Brundtner: Thank you. You’re the best.

Nicole Walters: You’re the best. And y’all, um, you know, you can definitely follow, you can donate because, you know, time, treasure, all matters. but all the details will be below in the show notes because participation is required.

 
In this episode, Kitty and I chat about:
  • The singular issue that March Fourth is advocating for,
  • assault weapon ban,
  • Why Kitty felt called to fight for this issue,
  • How you can help this American crisis, and
  • How March Fourth is calling for change with grace
Resources and links mentioned in this episode:
  • Follow and support March Fourth HERE!
  • Let’s connect over on Instagram and Facebook!
  • Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
  • Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
  • There is something becoming socially acceptable that we need to talk about, friend! Listen here or watch here
  • I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!
More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

He Changed My Life

He Changed My Life

by | May 3, 2024

He Changed My Life

I have a story for you today friend; one about an educator and how he changed my life 21 years ago. It’s in this chat that we’re shining a spotlight on some unsung heroes – our educators.

From late and long hours to supplying our students with the things they need to succeed, our educators fill the gaps without being asked.

As Teacher Appreciation Week approaches, I was encouraged to send a note to a teacher that made a difference in my life 21 years ago. In this chat I am sharing that story and what happened after I sent that note.

This is the perfect time for us to show up for our educators. We’re working with The National Education Association this Teacher Appreciation Week. You can join in by sharing a story about an incredible educator in your life. Just go to NEA.org/TAWstory to submit your own!

Thanks for being here today friend and THANK YOU to all of our educators! We support, love, and appreciate you!

Transcript

Nicole:

Hey, hey, hey, it’s your virtual bestie, Nicole Walters, and we are here with another couch chat. Now, friends, what is so great about our times together is that we get to keep it real and we tackle topics that matter. But today I want to shine a spotlight on some unsung heroes. Our educators, those amazing individuals that are shaping our little one’s future one lesson at a time.

So friend, picture this. We’ve all been in those classrooms that are just bustling with energy, filled with eager young minds that are ready to learn. But of course, We want to remember who’s at the front of that class. That’s right. It’s our educators pouring their hearts and souls into nurturing the next generation.

And of course, it’s not just our teachers at the front of the classroom. So when you walk in and you’ve got the crossing guard, or you, you head to the front office and that administrative professional, That we all know has been there for what like 30 plus years. They know where everything is from fixing the copy machine to making sure we’re signing out our kiddos correctly and remembering their birthdays.

I mean all of these wonderful people play a valuable role in making sure our kids are safe, secure, and well. But let’s also talk about this. Let’s talk about the big elephant in the room. There’s hard work and sacrifices that our educators are making every single day from early mornings to late nights.

These champions are putting in the hours to ensure that our children have the tools that they need to succeed. And if you’ve kept up with me online, you already know that I run this clear the list campaign for years where teachers will send me a list from Amazon with the supplies they need for their classroom because some of you may not know this but a lot of our public school educators are coming out of pocket of their already way too small salaries to make sure that our kids have everything they need from snacks to supplies to even soap for those kids who are in school systems where they’re struggling to make sure that their clothing is clean every day.

And the clear the list campaign allows me and you to help out some of these teachers serve their kids better. So You understand that our teachers are coming out of pocket to make sure that our children have no gaps in their lives and their learning. And it’s so important that we don’t forget about the sacrifices they make.

And I love having this conversation here with all of us because so many of you are teachers yourselves. And some of you are educators or social service workers and we’ve got mothers and daughters and fathers or we’ve been raised by teachers. What’s beautiful is that every single one of us has been influenced, supported, loved, or impacted by an educator and we don’t want to forget about everything they’ve done.

Sometimes they put their own needs or show up just a little bit later to their own babies at home just for the sake of their students and for people like us. Now, why do they do it? What drives these amazing individuals to keep pushing forward despite the challenges, right? We all know, just like many of us who work corporate jobs or are entrepreneurs, it’s not the paycheck.

We know it’s not the summertime break because they’re spending that time writing out content, grading papers, building things out. It isn’t that y’all. It’s actually really simple. It’s a passion for service. Educators choose this profession because they have a burning desire to make a difference, to leave a lasting impact on the world.

And let me tell you, the impact that they’re making is nothing short of extraordinary. Educators are not just teaching math and science. They’re instilling our values. They’re fostering creativity. They’re empowering our children to become the leaders of tomorrow. I want to share a story with you of how an educator impacted my life and how things have come full circle just as recently as last week.

And you may be wondering why I’m choosing to really highlight and lean into loving on our educators. And it’s because It’s almost teacher appreciation week. That’s right. In case you didn’t know, teachers are underappreciated, undervalued, and it is up for us when teacher appreciation week rolls around every year to fill in the gap.

Do you know that when educators were surveyed and asked what would be the most meaningful gift they could receive from teachers and parents and people that are near them? What would be just transformative for them? It wasn’t money. It wasn’t an increase. It wasn’t features or vacations or anything cool like that.

It was a meaningful note of appreciation. So that’s why I’m taking the time to do this, because that’s all our educators want, and that’s just to be seen for all that they do. So I wanna talk to you about an educator in particular. That means so, so much to me. Now, if you don’t know. If you didn’t read my memoir, I attended the Johns Hopkins University for college back in the early 2000s.

Now, no one’s asking you to do math here, but it was a long while ago. And when I was in college, you know, you hear these great stories of people having incredible college experiences and, you know, meeting all their friends and their spouses and knocking it out of the park and having a blast. And y’all, college just was not that for me. I mean, you can look at every movie on TV and see these crazy experiences and funny stories and that’s what I thought it would be. But it was just not that. When I got to college, I want to tell you, I was poorly prepared. I was just not ready. College for me was challenging and there are a lot of reasons why.

You know, the biggest one would be that I was not financially prepared to take on everything that comes with not just college as a concept, but adulthood. Carrying both the load of growing up with poverty and parents that don’t have the experience or knowledge around the classic American educational system as well as being a marginalized person a minority You know at the Johns Hopkins University and and then entering the academic rigor of that sort of school I mean the combination of it was a perfect storm of very very difficult for me and I was blessed to have a full scholarship, but plot twist Spoiler alert, a full scholarship doesn’t mean you’re going to be able to afford 400 in textbooks or the cost of living if there isn’t housing for like your junior senior year and you now have to engage a regular apartment systems or let’s just be honest y’all, I was 21 years old and I’ve got a 21 year old and a 24 year old now and when I tell you, I could use that extra money to cover all the mistakes I was going to make. You know what I’m talking about. That flat tire, forgetting to pay a bill, or having an extra fee tacked on. Mama, sisters, friends, you know what I’m talking about. I just was not prepared to take it all on as a kid from 18 to 21.

And what that translated to at a time where I just really needed to focus on my academic education. I was just burdened and cumbered with having to work a full time job also. And it was just so difficult. And of course, if you tack that on that while I was there, my father was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and I had a young sister who was, you know, I was standing in the gap of helping support her during her high school education and just providing support all around.

It was just really taxing. And I know my story is not unique and I know it’s not, um, any different than the different things that we all had to carry. But Needless to say, it wasn’t long before I ended up in the academic advising office of Hopkins. And when I went there, I was assigned to my academic advisor, who also happened to be the dean of academic advising, Dean John Bader.

And I use his name because, uh, it all comes full circle, you know, but Dean Bader was probably the most opposite of who I am, at least when it comes to paper, you know, Dean Bader was I should say, Dean Bader was an incredible man. He was super accomplished. I mean, he went to Yale and he has every degree under the sun.

He’s a Fulbright scholar. He was, you know, a coach consultant for Rhodes Scholars. He’s a professional singer. I think he speaks a couple languages. I mean, dean Bader truly is one of those exceptional people that just took to academia and showed up in the world with excellence.

So like, I mean, I’m talking to this guy who’s really, really smart. That’s how I can describe it. I remember sitting in his office and seeing all these degrees on the wall and all I could think was, gosh, this guy’s got it figured out, but here I was struggling to get through macroeconomics and thinking gosh if this is what it looks like to thrive here then Holy smokes.

I couldn’t feel further away and What was interesting though, you know walking into that environment having those thoughts but then I was met with this this man who was so compassionate and just being really transparent y’all cuz You know, I know we’ve gone through a lot of reconciliation in our society as we’ve tried to really understand each other’s existences a lot better, you know.

whether it is being from a different racial background or having different disabilities or, you know, not being neurotypical, you know, I can say that Dean Bader could not have been more opposite than me. But when I sat down, I was met with a man who, because he’d chosen a life of service and a life of compassion and to be an educator in all ways, shapes and forms, was bending over backwards to try to make sure that he could truly understand me and the college experience I was having.

So walking into his office, And sitting down and explaining that I was on academic probation, I was just like, Ugh! It was a mandatory meeting because you know I just bombed so many of my classes that semester. I really needed to coordinate and figure out what my game plan was going to be so I could thrive at Hopkins.

And what people don’t know is when you’re showing up to class every day as a student, don’t necessarily know what you’re carrying, you know, teachers, uh, they’re focused on that essay and those assignments. And, you know, that is the one thing they can know, unless they dig a little deeper, but so they may not know if you had a tough day with a parent or a difficult diagnosis, or you’re facing health challenges.

And that’s the point of academic advising is that you get to go in and provide that color, you know, behind what you’ve been showing in the classroom and what your grades may reflect and you just hope that you’re met with understanding and I couldn’t have been a luckier girl because I walked into a compassionate and empathetic space with Dean Bader’s office.

And I explained to him that I was dealing with imposter syndrome. I mean, I’m at this amazing school and how the heck did I even get here? Did I really deserve it? And I was so different from everyone around me and the fear and the anxiety that I was facing. And could I carry this load and support my family?

And I’m also sharing with him how important it is for me to be successful because I had a family that, you know, We’re immigrants and they’d never carried a college degree and I was first generation and the expectations were very, very high. And I also shared with him that very early on I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer and if you’re from one of those old school southern backgrounds or you know what it’s like to grow up first generation with parents who had high expectations because they didn’t get some of our opportunities, you know that my parents were big on the whole you need to become a doctor and you need to become a lawyer and I get it because my dad was a cab driver, you know, and my mom was a secretary at a boating insurance company.

And they just wanted to make sure that I would be okay. And okay looked like an office. And it looked like a paycheck every two weeks. And it looked like benefits. And that was why they came to America. And so, you know, as I shared all of this with Dean Bader, I just remember how warm and how compassionate he was and again, being transparent, I shared a lot of this through major tears and a lot of fear and anxiety about could I carry all this and would he even get it and Long story short, I couldn’t, you know, I struggled at Hopkins and I ended up having many, many more meetings with Dean Bader and each time he came to the table with a different solution, you know, let’s get you into therapy.

There’s some resources here at Hopkins and you know, maybe you can help with some of that mental load and he supported me with resources and with tutoring. I mean he truly reached into his bag of everything, but the biggest support that Dean Bader gave me was hearing and seeing me where I was and As who I was and he actually said something to me that I’ll never forget that I really want to highlight because it was so So special and it was transformative I’ll never forget the moment that I came into dean bader’s office after months and years of struggling And when I came into his office the thing that I shared with him is that i’d finally gotten to the point Where I wasn’t entirely sure if it even made sense for me to be here I was tired of running the rat race to try to fit in try to make it work make my parents proud and I think somewhere deep inside, I knew I was smart and I knew I was capable, but it was just the pressure.

I felt like I was tired of running in circles and I was tired of pleading my case. And Dean Bader looked at me and the things he said to me were transformative. He changed the course of my life. Dean Bader said, Nicole, I want you to know that you don’t need a degree to be successful. I want you to know that while getting a degree from Hopkins will change your life and you are capable of getting one.

There’s so much you can do with a valuable, wonderful education, but I also want you to know that this doesn’t define everything and all that you are. I want you to know you have so many gifts, particularly around language or sales, because you keep coming in here and selling me on how you think this thing can work, and I want you to know that you can lean into those gifts and no matter what, you’ll be just awesome. And I want you to know friend that 21 year old me did not believe him I did not believe him at all. I didn’t believe him then at all I don’t even know if I understood completely or I have the ability to understand completely But I do understand the impact of what Dean Bader said to me Now, and I want to let you know that recently I sent an email to Dean Bader, 21 years after that important, important conversation and it was actually because I was inspired by Teacher Appreciation Week.

It was because I really wanted him to know full circle where I am and I want to share that with you. So, this is what I said to him. Dean Bader, it’s been about 15 or 20 years since I’ve attended Hopkins and I’m not sure if you’ll remember me, but I wanted to reach out to you for the past few years just to say thank you.

Hopkins was a difficult experience for me. Despite being smart and capable and willing, I struggled. My desire for success resulted in semester after semester of academic difficulties. And I probably felt like I spent more time in your office and pleading my case that I did in an actual classroom. And that said, during this time, Dean Bader, You were so kind.

You extended so much grace. And at one point you even told me, I don’t need a degree to be successful because I have so many gifts and I didn’t believe or understand you then, but I do now. And I wanted to let you know that I entered the corporate world and I soared. I did so well working in insurance and I found myself thriving using my gifts.

And after 10 plus years as a successful corporate employee, I quit my job. And I became a consultant for entrepreneurs and I raised three girls ages three, 11 and 14 that I met in Baltimore, not too far away from Hopkins, but I was just 28 and I want you to know Dean Bader, That you were right the whole time and your words continue to echo in my ears and in my heart.

In the past 10 years since that time, I’ve had a hit TV show, become a world class speaker and podcaster. I’ve written a New York Times bestseller and I’ve been nominated for an NAACP image award and now a daytime Emmy. And on a professional level, I run a multi million dollar consultancy that also changes lives.

And that most importantly, my three now daughters are thriving also. Dean Bader, I wanted to thank you for all the effort you put into me and to let you know it wasn’t wasted. For giving me so many chances to make Hopkins work and for telling me the truth about what is possible. If I just stopped resisting and leaned into my gifts, Dean Bader, you changed my life.

I’d love to send you a copy of my book. And if there’s an address, let me know. But if you don’t want to share your address, that’s okay. Because all that matters to me is I just hope that you know how good of a person you are and how much you’ve impacted the world. Your legacy lives on. Thank you, Nicole Walters, class of 2007.

So friends, I don’t know if you have that teacher, that educator that stands out in your mind, but sometimes you send out this message and you never know what’s going to happen. You send it out hoping it’ll reach the right place. And you know, it’s been so, so long that I sent it out with the best of intentions.

And you can imagine my surprise when I got a response. Dean Bader responded after 21 years. I’m excited to share that response with you. And I’m sorry, I’m getting a little teary about it because he’s just such a good man and

Dear Nicole, what a delight, a wonder, and surprise to hear from you after so many years. Yes, of course, I remember our many conversations and the challenges you faced. I am moved by your gratitude for the small role I played in keeping you moving forward. But so much of that is a testament to your perseverance and gifts.

Still, your words mean a lot to me, especially as I look back on that time helping students as a joyous and fulfilling time in my career. It is very exciting to learn about your many successes appropriately powered by your work and your struggles. It reminds me of Newton’s third law. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

You’ve leveraged your story into a force for good affecting many people and that is a blessing and a marvel and frankly a relief to me. Congratulations on many happinesses including your family. You’re more than welcome to mail me a copy of your book, but if you’re in the area, perhaps we could have lunch and catch up.

You can hand me a copy then. I look forward to staying in touch and I hope to see you soon. Warmly, John.

Ah,

friends. I just want you to know that educators play such a major role in our life to all the educators out there listening, I want you to know that you’re seen, you’re appreciated, and you’re changing lives in ways you may never fully realize. But it is absolutely happening.

Please keep showing up. Keep pouring words into these young minds because you’re shaping the future of our world and to the parents and the grandparents and the guardians that are tuning in, I want to challenge you to show your appreciation for our educators, whether it’s a simple thank you or a well placed note, or volunteering your time to support their efforts. Every gesture counts. I take in wipes to my kiddos teachers classrooms and I help bring them extra books and I bring in Kleenex during cold and flu seas. I’m telling you it is all so appreciated because at the end of the day We’re all in this together.

It takes a village to raise a child and educators are a crucial part of that village. So let’s rally together. Let’s lift each other up and let’s continue to champion the importance of education by shaping a brighter future for all. And because coming up and every year we have Teacher Appreciation Week.

Let’s just make sure our public school educators know how much we support, respect, and admire them. Despite the funding challenges, and the politically motivated attacks, and the bad days, and the tough, tough times. Educators still show up for their students, no matter what they look like. Or the barriers that they face, so they can reach their full potential.

So now it’s our time to show up for them. To help celebrate Teacher Appreciation Week, and show our public school educators just how much we admire them. I want you to know that you can help by adding your story of Extraordinary Educators.

We know our voices are stronger together. So share and amplify stories of Extraordinary Educators in our lives to give their best to their students, even when faced with challenges and hardships. Your story will show our leaders how much we value our public schools and how critical it is that educators receive the resources and support that they deserve from our community leaders and our policy makers.

So friends, I would love for each of us to share a story about an incredible educator this Teacher Appreciation Week. You can actually learn more about this at N E A dot org slash T A W story. That’s N E A dot org slash T A W story to share an incredible story about an amazing educator during Teacher Appreciation Week.

Friends, we have to look out for each other and most of all, be safe. We have to protect the sweet souls that love, raise, and teach our littles. Let’s do it together. Head over to nea. org slash T A W story to elevate your educator today. Thank you, all of you.

 

In this episode, we chat about:
  • Why educators do what they do,
  • The educator that changed my life 21 years ago,
  • How teachers can make such an impact, and
  • Why it’s the perfect time to honor an educator in your life
Resources and links mentioned in this episode:
  • Shoutout an extraordinary educator in your life HERE!
  • Let’s connect over on Instagram and Facebook!
  • Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
  • Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
  • We’re bringing a new topic into our chats BUT we need to be on the same page first. Listen here or watch here
  • I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!
More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.