I Am Not Explaining Myself

I Am Not Explaining Myself

by | Jun 21, 2024

I’m Not Explaining Myself

This whole season we have been talking about surrendering and the peace we can acquire from doing so. In the process of letting go in my own life, I’ve had to confront my habit of over-explaining. To put is simply, I’m not explaining myself, friend!

Are you with me? You know when someone in your life drops the ball and you feel as if you need to equip them with more information so it won’t happen again? Or they are misunderstanding you so you feel as if they need more from you to understand?

Well, that just isn’t it – at least not all the time. Letting others learn the lessons they’re meant to learn is freeing and necessary for everyone involved. Thanks for being here for this chat. Let’s get into it!

Nicole:

So friends, I want to tell you about something that has changed my life and that I really think is going to create major shifts in yours. Now, I’ll start with a little bit of a story. So if you’ve read Nothing is Missing, which is my New York Times bestselling memoir, I talk a lot about my childhood and how I grew up with a father who, uh, was narcissistic and, um, You know, through his own traumas of his own and honestly, I will say some of it I think is kind of cultural and but that’s a conversation for another day, but in African culture, there’s this concept called tiger parenting.

Tiger parenting is the American westernized term for it, and you may be familiar with it, but tiger parenting is basically you are raising adults, not children. And so what that means conceptually is that your sole job as a parent is to raise these children by treating them like tiny adults.

So, I personally believe that it’s a little of column A, a little of column B, right? You want to make sure your kids are being taught the skills that they need to have in order to survive in the world, right? We don’t want to raise entitled little brats who are walking around feeling like everyone owes them something and that they aren’t responsible to anyone.

But, because, you know, evolution, growing up in America, if you will, or just better exposure to the value of therapy, I really understand the importance of empathy and emotional intelligence and that’s a huge part of how I raise my kids as well, is making sure they understand that they have privilege and that they’re, they need to extend others grace and that they need to spend time listening and hearing what other people are dealing with.

And so. All of those things being said, I didn’t grow up with any of that. And I think a lot of us can relate to that, whether you are, have old school Southern parents or parents that grew up just a flat out different generation or immigrant parents. You know, tiger parenting is really, really, really common.

And what ends up being the outcome of tiger parenting can affect kids in different ways. So if you were the elder child, if, and you guys, y’all can Google this. They’re so, So much like documentation and just it’s amazing the evolution of information that’s coming out in relation to this Because and I hate to say it but our generation’s getting older, right?

So we’re finally the ones writing the papers and we’re writing about what matters to us But if you were the elder child This style of parenting whether it was full blown narcissism or just a cultural clash of values and parenting methods but what happens is that You’ve become almost parentified and parentification is basically your job is to stand in the role of the parent.

So it’s not just this sort of latchkey kid concept, where, you know, you came home, your parents dropped you off, and you, you know, kind of took care of yourself and fended for yourself after school, and maybe then you played games, or ran down to the lake, or climbed trees. No, this is like full on parent to father.

Which means you raised your siblings and sometimes you had to, especially in immigrant households, act as a translator or go pay bills or you know, maybe even get a job early. And you know, that leads to tons of different traumas. However, if you were the elder child in particular, or the only child, a lot of the trauma related things that come from this style of parenting or exposure.

are celebrated in our society. We are seen as being the hyper productive, perfectionist, overachievers. I mean, you’re the ones with eight Ph. D. s or you’re the super moms or you’re highly functional people. But we usually also have like a crippling anxiety, you’re overworked, you have an inclination to be burnt out, you are, over committed, you know, all the time and you over deliver often, but usually at the expense of your own wellness.

Now, I know we jumped right in there. I’m going to pause for a sec. Some of you are hearing all of that and saying, Nicole. Ease up. I did not ask to be attacked on this episode. Okay? Okay, I get it. This is me. Right? Or you’re married to this person. Or you are siblings with this person. Or you see this person at work.

Now, another thing that happens as a byproduct of this sort of, uh, It is a form of trauma. Traumatic background is even though the outcome in your life may be that you have the house and the car and all these things, you may suffer in terms of balance and joy and energy and wellness, but one of the other things that is a common outcome that I’m starting to learn about that is just changing my life is These people are, and I say these people, that sounds so weird, me, me included, hand raised, but, uh, people who’ve had exposure to this sort of background often are, um, huge people pleasers.

And people pleasers are, uh, people who worry so much about, again, that perfectionism aspect, making sure that they’re making people happy, they’re, uh, people with flexi boundaries, you know, so their boundaries are one where they are more than willing to, you know, sacrifice themselves on the behalf of others.

easily subjected to being manipulated and or feeling heavily guilty if they aren’t meeting others expectations, whether or not that is in alignment with their own. it is a really unfortunate byproduct because you basically are that person who is such a hard worker and then people who may be less than that.

thin hard workers will attach themselves to you and like, leech off of you, right? And I know right now some of y’all are nodding your head like, no, not me. Yes, I’m exhausted. And one of the things that I learned is a very common attribute that I really want to focus on today that I’ve been working on in the past, I’d say like six months or so, um, is overexplaining, like overexplaining your feelings, overexplaining, what you mean, uh, over explaining when you, when you feel like you’re misunderstood.

And again, heavy emphasis on feel like you’re misunderstood. And I say that we’ll actually just address that part now. A lot of times in this situation, you may feel like you’re misunderstood when people understand you perfectly well. That was a sentence my therapist said to me. And when I tell you, it changed my life.

It changed my life. My therapist was like, Nicole, I want you to know that people can understand you perfectly well. They can know that you are right. They can understand that what you’re saying is clear. They can understand that what you’re saying makes sense and they can still be choosing to misunderstand you and do whatever they want to do because that’s just what they want to do.

When I tell you the freedom I had from that, I’m going to say it again briefly for those of y’all who didn’t catch it the first time, People can know that what you are saying makes sense. That it is practical and that you are correct and it is even in their interest to do the thing you are telling them to do and they can still do what they want to do, cause harm to themselves and others and not care and look you in the face and act like you’re wrong.

I was like, how is that possible? That doesn’t seem logical. What are you talking about? No, sometimes people just want to do what they want to do. They don’t care if it makes sense or not. And when I tell you, I was so freed when I, when it really just like sank in. Like, no, some people just like mess. And for those of y’all who are under 40, I hope that this really is meeting you at the right time and you get to benefit from the over 40 crowd.

Because over 40 crowd, this is something that just comes into your life in general. Because over 40, you get a certain level of tired and exhausted where you don’t have the energy to even get into it with people as much. So the blessing I’ve had in the past six months is as I’m You know, healthily in this 40 year old club, I’m a natural energy of doing less with others hot mess, right?

But this over explaining thing that I used to do looked like this. I would have Disagreements with people in my life, various relationships, anything from family to people I’m like dating or, employees, you know, where people would come to me and they would disappoint, right?

Disappoint or let me down, or they would fail to do something that they agreed to do, or they would fail to do something that is generally understood by the masses as a moral or ethical obligation, right? Like, this is just, and I’m just talking about things that are like, not of question, right? Like, oh, you said you would pay that bill on time?

Obviously you would do it. You did not do it, and thus we have an issue, right? And what would happen is, I, of course, would say, this is surprising to me that this thing didn’t occur. Was there a misunderstanding around said task? Did we not, like, because grace, right? Benefited the doubt. Where, what happened here, right?

What happened here that this thing did not occur? And I know for some of y’all right now, you’re like, exactly, right? The grace is asking what happened here. And then said party, you know, in whatever manifestation of these moments would then proceed to give me A variety of reasons, like, you know, well, I didn’t have all my information or, oh, I started, but I ran into this problem or, oh, I wanted to, but you know, this other thing came up or, oh, I’m suddenly overwhelmed or, oh, I, you know, failed to communicate, blah, blah, blah, or, oh, you know, you didn’t give me enough time or whatever the thing was, right?

And so then what would happen, and here’s a shift from where I was and where I am, right? What would happen is I would then proceed. To try to re explain what the original task was, make sure I really asked a lot of questions and understood where the, where the failing was. Which often led to a situation where that person would, I guess, in their awareness of maybe how unaligned their response is, is a nice way I can say it.

Understanding that, like, look, like there’s no excuse for me not doing the thing I’m supposed to do, right? Like, just kind of, because people would dance all day around, like, the fact of the matter. So, I, and they would just sit there and explain it. And I would just get into these circles, oh lord, these circles of, like, just going back and forth, back and forth, you know, with this person.

When ultimately, again, we’re talking about what was and what is, I would then realize, oh, I don’t even need to say all that. The thing was not done. And getting to the point of understanding where things are clear or where I feel like they clearly understand what I’m saying and they’re not putting this back on me as something that I needed to figure out that, you know, whether the failing is mine and communication or theirs, the task did not happen.

That could have happened in two seconds. Or even better, if a person telling me they want to do something, because also, I’ll just own this, this even comes up in my relationship. And I don’t think Alex will mind that I’m telling this story, you know, where, And ladies, you’ll understand this too in your partnerships, you’ll watch your, your, your guy wanting to do something and it’s something you ask them to do, but you know, for a fact that the way they’re approaching it is going to result in surefire disaster, or it’s going to result in additional hardship or more work or whatever, but at the end of the day, you ask them to do it.

And so, and you don’t want to do it. So you have to figure out a way to sit there and let them do it their own way and be okay with it. And that is something I have really worked on in my present relationship. And, um, and it’s been a real blessing because I’ve grown as a person in general in recognizing that I cannot sit here and over explain to him how it needs done because that is as much mental labor and exhaustion as him just doing it.

So, Even when he comes to me and he says, like, there’ll be, especially because I do business, y’all, you know, he’ll come to me because he’s an entrepreneur as well, or, you know, he works for himself. He will say, um, Oh, well, I’m thinking of taking this thing on and I will want to business him down. I’ll be like, you need this step, this step, this step, this thing needs to happen.

And I’m like, why am I even explaining all this? Because he just wants, he’s going to go and do what he wants to do on some level. He’s going to do what he wants to do. Why am I even? And so I’ve just started being like, okay, well, that sounds great. The freedom I get from just letting people be, letting them sit in what they want to sit in, letting them work through their issues.

Y’all, when I tell you today on today, free yourself. Let people live in their mess if they want to be in their mess. Let people misunderstand you if they are committed to misunderstanding you. Let people think whatever they want to think about you. Uh, if you listen to, I think. Maybe three or four episodes ago, um, I actually had Alex on here and we were chatting about sort of the baby process, you know, how we’re really making changes in our lives and we are really trying to make sure our, our home, our spirit, our energy, our bodies are all the way together so that when, um, the time comes to really start this baby journey, that we are as prepared as one can be for babies.

And I have to tell you, one of the biggest things I’ve been working on is not allowing people to get my blood pressure up. Like, people are not going to stress me out, not on today, not when, not when I want my body to be a vessel that can safely cook without additional stress and anxiety this child, right?

So if I’m going to let my body be that, that also means I’ve really got to accept that People are going to come at you left, right. There’s going to be all these sorts of things, even in the work day. Like, you’ll get on the phone and you’ll be like, Oh my gosh, I’ve got, you know, 15 calls to make. I just need everyone to be where they need to be.

And there’s definitely going to be something that’s thrown off. And I can’t get invested in, uh, over explaining or going through all these different steps to make sure things happen and also recognizing that through both Jesus, Lord, please help me, you know, and therapy, Lord, I need to help myself, right?

I have got to acknowledge that the, the need for I wouldn’t call it perfection, but precision, as well as the desire to make sure that I am meeting all my marks so that I don’t let people down because I’m responsible to a lot of people, my, my, my spouse, my kids, my community, you know, there’s only so much I can do.

So friends, here’s a couple of places that this may be showing up in your life right now with your kids. I gotta tell you, the surrender of letting your kids make the mess and learn is real. It’s, I feel like it’s a little bit easier when they’re younger because the messes are a little bit more predictable, a little bit more manageable, and at the end of the day you can, you know, kind of pick them up and move them.

Like, little meaning like, you know, 10 and under, right? Like toddlery, you can just like pick them up and move them. So you see them carrying something that they maybe shouldn’t be carrying because it’s a little bit too many things and you know it’s going to spill, but you let them kind of live and then you’ll, you’ll pick it up and clean it up.

But now they’ve learned. But I also mean like even in some of the teenage year stuff, like Puffin came in the other day and she’s, you know, our Allie is our 12 year old and she is, she turns 13 this year. So she’s in full on teen mode. And, If you know anything about natural hair, I used to be a curly hair blogger, uh, really, really, uh, kinky, curly, tight, coiled hair, um, is not something that you can wear down, like not in braids or put away, very often because if you do it, it tangles, um, and it just requires a lot of management and products.

She is now starting to experiment more because she’s fully in that teen girl age where she wants to wear different Hairstyles and she you know likes to play in her hair a little bit more. She’s getting more independence around that But for the most part, I’m still doing her hair, you know and keeping up her styles just to make sure that You know, she doesn’t deal with like knots and tangles and things of that sort.

Well, we kind of, we’re starting to split the responsibility so that she can, you know, put it in a ponytail here and there and do different things as she learns and takes on responsibility. Well, for the very first time last week, I um, you know, come out for breakfast in the morning before she leaves for school and she’s got her hair just like kind of out in a full front.

And one of the things I said to her was, Hey, you know, your hair looks super cute. I mean, you look great like this, and I love this style on you. Um, however, you know, we’ve talked a little bit about, you know, how important it is to maintain our hair being detangled, and that’s actually part of why we do protective styling, is to make sure our hair stays healthy because it’s put away.

So, um, I know that you’re excited to wear your hair out in a fro and, you know, you have the freedom to do that. However, I do want to let you know there may be some outcomes that you did not expect in doing this at the end of the day. And she kind of looks at me and she’s like, okay, because teenager. And I’m like, yeah, you know, I was like, so, you know, some of those outcomes may be that you’ll have additional detangling.

You may need to wash it. Your hair is going to get a little bit drier, you know, and a lot of the things you don’t enjoy about hair maintenance, you’re going to have a lot of at the end of the day, if you wear your hair out. And she’s like, okay, well, I don’t, I don’t see the problem. Now pause on a minute.

Right? This is a place where mama could have gotten into detail. She could have pulled up YouTube videos. She could have illustrated or I could have taken the other mama route, which is please just go do what I say because I said it. Now I want to let you know that’s not the route I ever take with my kids.

I, I’m really big on if you’re old enough to ask the question, you’re old enough to get the answer. But the part that I’m doing for my own personal growth is surrendering people to learn their own lessons as they deserve. And so, um, you know, I, I said, you know what? You’re right. If you feel comfortable, that’s totally fine.

Um, I can share with you that, you know, the outcome may be a little bit more than you anticipate, but, if you need to cross that bridge when you get there, that’s totally fine. Have a great, you know, have a great day. You do look beautiful no matter what. And so she decides to wear her hair out, and as expected, you know, hair’s super tangled.

as anyone who has curly hair or frizzy hair knows, like, the way it starts in the morning is not how it ends up at the end of the day. And so she comes back in and she is just like, don’t even say anything. And just like goes back to her room and changes her hair and, you know, uh, watches it, puts it back and all that.

And it has been put away for the rest of the week. And she has, you know, learned. what she needed to learn in her processing. And I have to tell you, not saving and rescuing people from learning the lesson that God has for them is one of the kindest things you can do. And um, it can be tough sometimes, right?

With our kids, especially as they get older. And again, if you read my book, Nothing is Missing, you know that this is something I’ve gone through with through all ages, not just a teenager with a ponytail, but my older girls who are 24 and dealing with things like recovery, you know, My eldest one, she is now a little over a year sober, and I’m so, so proud of her.

And, you know, she’s got her own place and her own car and she’s been at her job for a while. I mean, she’s really stepping into adulthood, but, you know, that didn’t come without challenges. and I fully take responsibility in my mom role where, you know, I really wanted to help her as much as possible.

And there are times where I really have to reconcile that. I hope I didn’t delay her, um, even though I facilitated her entry into, you know, rehabilitation and, you know, detox and that process, uh, when she finally came to me and was ready. I think of all the times before where she was struggling and had difficult moments and, I went to her rescue, you know, whether it was restocking her fridge or helping with her housing or, you know, something of that sort, you know, and parenting in that capacity because at the time it felt right.

I don’t have guilt about it because I think I did the right thing with what I had then and and it was the right thing overall because of where she is now, um, but sometimes I look at it and I think of how much I’ve developed both as a parent and a person. And I think, gosh, how many times and what would the outcome have been if she had to absorb the fullness of that situation?

and, you know, this stage of my life where. because of my own health and well being, I can’t help but let people absorb the fullness of their situation, uh, which includes not benefiting, ooh, I just had a whole moment, ooh, ooh, word y’all, not benefiting from the attributes that I’ve had to develop in order to save myself, right, by choosing to opt out of their drama and not save them when they’re in what they’re in.

And I really want to extend that to you as well. And, you know, over explaining is just one element of it, but y’all, We have these people in our lives who are so used to using us as crutches, you know, and are so used to, you know, having us step in there and we don’t even realize we’re doing it because, one, I mean, all the society stuff around how women are supposed to be nurturers and caregivers and, you know.

You know, we’re supposed to give until we can’t give no more, especially if you’re a Christian, you know, just, Oh, give, give, give. Right. And I don’t say it like it’s a bad thing, but like, gosh, not to, not to your last, you know, like not where you don’t have enough for the rest of your children or, you know, for your own health and wellbeing.

And y’all, I can’t tell you the transformation of me saying someone is old enough. where they can absorb the fullness of their actions, and they can save themselves. And even better, if they don’t save themselves in this situation, the learning experience and the consequences and the lessons of this will be so tremendous in redirecting their lives.

I don’t want to spare them the lesson God’s trying to teach them. And aside from that, I think I don’t want to exert the extra energy of trying to explain what is to come. I don’t want to exert the extra energy of trying to help them see what they don’t want to see. And there’s levels to this. You know, there’s levels to letting go, to that surrender, to that relinquishing, to not trying to rescue.

Even that co worker at work, y’all, how many of y’all will stay late doing that extra work for that co worker and covering because you’re like, well, I don’t want the company, blah, blah, blah, or I don’t want this. Y’all, it ain’t your company. They’re not paying you extra to save them, and that person’s still going to take the credit.

And now you’re just showing up extra tired at home for your kids. Please. There’s nothing wrong with giving a little if you think that it’s going to be reciprocated, but half the time, you’re not getting any reciprocity. If anything, you’re borrowing from the bank of your own wellness. And I think that that cost, that price, It’s a little bit too high.

So friends, I know that we have so much pride in being the go to. I know that it can feel so good to know that you can step into a situation and, and have the answer. And on many levels, we’ve, we’ve only ever operated this way. So we don’t know any other way to be, but I want to let you know there’s levels to this.

It’s not just about letting go and surrendering. It’s also about realizing that it isn’t even always your job to point people in the right direction. Sometimes, not only is the journey theirs, but so is drawing the path to get there.

 

IN THIS EPISODE, WE CHAT ABOUT:
  • Why I’ve stopped explaining myself, always, to others,
  • How doing so has given me so much freedom and may for you too,
  • Why we tend to over-explain, and
  • What to do if you find yourself explaining to others over and over again
RESOURCES AND LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
  • Let’s connect on Instagram HERE
  • Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
  • Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
  • Did you build a life that burns you out consistently? Friend, I’ve been there! Listen here or watch here.
  • I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!
MORE ABOUT THE NICOLE WALTERS PODCAST:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Kids withOUT Social Media, feat. Ally Walters

Kids withOUT Social Media, feat. Ally Walters

by | Jun 21, 2024

Kids WithOUT Social Media, feat. Ally Walters

Did you hear about the ninth grader that was the last person in her grade to get a phone? Friend, this is a hot button issue so today we’re chatting with the leading expert in MY house on all things middle school, my daughter, Ally!

Ally shares what is really going on at her school when it comes to phone usage, how she feels about her own phone and our policies, PLUS what it’s like growing up as an introvert (living with two extroverts!)

I’m so proud of how the tips Ally shared in this chat and I know you’ll feel similar, friend! Hit play to get a little dose of middle school life and how we’re managing tech!

Escaping Your Life

Escaping Your Life

by | Jun 5, 2024

Escaping Your Life

Years ago I couldn’t imagine living a life that I didn’t need a constant break from. What I thought was self care was actually me escaping from the stressful life circumstances that I had created. But what if escaping your life isn’t the answer?

Friend, in this chat we’re diving into what I’ve learned in order to build a life that I don’t need to escape from. If you can relate, this chat is for you!

Are there boundaries you need to put in place? Something you need to walk away from? Friend, it’s up to you.

Thanks for being here! Drop into my DMs @NicoleWalters with your next move.

Nicole:

Hey friends. So in Nothing is Missing, one of the things that I discuss pretty regularly is the impact on my health of the lifestyle that I was living. And there’s a particular quote that I want to call to the front today for our chat, which is, “You can drown surrounded by life preservers. You can drown surrounded by life preservers. And what does that mean? It means that having the inability to ask for help, or even worse, you’ve managed to collect the resources that you need to save yourself, but not use them, is not just foolish, right? Like, why even let that happen if you’re struggling?

But it’s an essential attribute that we all have to overcome in order to get better. And You’ve all followed me here on my journey through becoming a mom, you know, to my three girls, for those of you who followed me online, to navigating my marriage, if you go back to some of our chats from season one and season two, I’ve, I’ve discussed regularly about the struggles I was having in my first marriage, with my ex about, uh, divorce and how hard it was.

I did a whole episode about during the pandemic, how, I mean, we were really going through it. And ultimately that led to our divorce. I think that it was kind of a reckoning moment, you know, at least for me, where a push came to shove and I had to, you know, make some shifts and we’re going to talk about that more today.

But, You know, I’ve talked a lot about how through all these seasons of cancer and, you know, a TV show and building a business and mothering and that I was feeling my external decision making and my inability to either leverage the support that was present or create support systems that I needed, how it was impacting my body.

And I. Know that you hear this everywhere that stress shows up in the body first for me. It was through my blood pressure was very high and my I had headaches and eventually got to the point where I had facial paralysis and you know depression obviously was a standard that I think a lot of people feel anxiety and and just general fatigue and burnout burnout being The inability to make decisions, the apathy, you know, apathy meaning, you know, really looking at your work, something that you may have typically been passionate, passionate about.

This is what I always use as one of my first indicator signs. So if any of you are feeling this and raising your hand on this one, you may be experiencing burnout. One of the first things is you take things that you love. Whether it is like, man, I typically love like, you know, hanging out with my kids or going to their soccer games, or you take things you love, like, man, I used to love my job and my business and my company or this aspect of my job, you know, visiting the kids or being hands on or doing the project, and all of a sudden, you can take this whole job and shove it right when you start feeling like I don’t even care what happens here anymore.

I’m not going, I’m not checking for this, you may be experiencing burnout, you know, it’s not that the job itself has changed so much, it’s that you’re over it. Um, I was definitely experiencing all of these things and I feel myself getting emotional about it because it’s kind of, I’m taking you guys back with some of the knowledge that comes in your 40s, you know, looking back on, believe it or not, we’ve been in these conversations for over a decade now, um, you know, You guys can scroll back, you can Google back, you can look back at old videos and lives and see where I was as young as 26, 27, and where I am now in a new marriage and in a, you know, new form of parenting because I have older children and we’re looking to start and expand and grow our family and a new city and a new life and the thing I can tell you when I was talking about this.

This episode, this chat we’re having is inspired by a conversation I had with one of my sweet, dear friends, Koya Webb. If you don’t follow her on the internet, she’s like a super powerhouse woman, yoga instructor, brilliant. Uh, we just did a chat on her podcast and, um, we were talking about how so many of us get really good at identifying the hardship and struggle in our life.

But we never make the actual changes to make sure we don’t return to it. And one of the things that’s really beautiful about where I stand here today is that I can actually look at the changes that I made to make sure that certain habits and Outcomes and impacts of the past are no longer there. And I really want you to be with me on this conversation here.
And I want you to really think about where you are right now. So many of us will eventually get to the place where we will either be invited by the people around us or forced to sit our tails down when we’re too tired.

So. We’ll say, I’ll take the day off, or I need a long weekend, or why don’t we take a quick little three day vacation, or I’m going to do a little bit less work, or I’m going to come home early. Now, I’m throwing all these things out knowing good and well, some of y’all right now are nodding your heads being like, I need to, she’s not talking about me.

That’s what I need to be better about, right? So you’re already in a different camp, right? Where you feel that burnout and you take a couple days off. But what I want to say to you right now, as someone who is. I think really finally having my eyes open as I am closing loops and closing tabs and really looking at chapters of my life that I’ve been carrying for as long as four years really being done.

And by four years, I mean things like my divorce, my divorce forever. It took forever from separation to final signing. It took forever, longer than the average. It was, it was difficult. It was contentious. It was, challenging. And, uh, you know, for a plethora of reasons, you know, but, ultimately, you know, it’s done.

And I, and also when I say for a plethora of reasons, like divorces are not easy, period, right? And the issues are rarely the paperwork because, uh, that’s just math, right? Like you get this, you get that, it’s decided by a judge, if that’s where it goes, whatever. It’s always the emotions around what people think they’re owed or what people think the outcome should be or what people are willing to do or not do.

And again, this is not speaking to my ex. Um, I am only speaking about myself. Um, Because I have all of those feelings too, you know, of what I think is appropriate or what I felt should be an appropriate outcome, especially with consideration of You know, pre existing children and, you know, all of that. So these are all like really normal, standard, generic divorce things.

And how you work through them is usually indicative of the communication skills you might have had in your marriage. So if you were struggling with that in your marriage, you better believe you’re going to struggle with it in divorce, right? I say this to say that as these chapters start closing in your life, you know, so for you maybe it’s going through an intensive medical experience where you’re like, okay, I’ve gone through that first round of chemo or a difficult season of your kid’s life, like middle school, whatever it is, as you start closing things, these things out, you’re able to look at them a little bit differently.

And, That’s where I am now. I’m in a very special time in my life where for those of you who follow online, you probably are noticing I’m getting ready to celebrate, um, my marriage with my, uh, husband, Alex, you know, where we’re having a wedding and we are really excited to gather our friends and family to really celebrate our union And so I’ve got, I’m getting a chance to do this incredible, beautiful thing that I’ve never done in this way before and is so deeply meaningful.
Um, and our wedding celebration is a bigger thing. It’s a bigger thing than just a wedding because it is the culmination of You know, getting through a divorce, you know, and you know, part of which he had to be incredibly supportive on on the tail end, you know, and getting through, you know, transitioning littles into our life, you know, we, you know, Alex has been solo raising, um, Allie, our littlest one for over two years now, you know, and just becoming a family.

Again, you know, and acknowledging and recognizing families are made different ways. I mean, a lot of these things are Really special and worth commemorating, you know, and then also, you know as I talk about the clothes also the growth, right? It’s also a commemoration of what we’re seeking and committing ourselves to taking on which is growing our family and adding to our family and whatever that journey looks like both as conceiving and then also you know, carrying and then also birthing, which is new for both of us and something that we uniquely get to celebrate, you know, when that season comes.

And I have to tell you, looking back with reflection around my health during this season, the thing I’ve learned is that, and that I want to extend to you as well, is that the quick fix of a day off is insufficient for long term health. Write that down, underline it, bullet point it, put it on a sticky, say it to yourself every day.

The quick fix of a day off is insufficient for long term health. And I have had to learn that in a million different ways, starting with my separation. Now, if you read the book, you already know this, but I will be diving deep even more over the coming years, weeks, years, days, chats, because I am learning so much more about it, especially as I start writing elements of book two.
And I can tell you right now, I thought, because this was my continuous pattern, and some of you witnessed this online, so if you were a, a watcher of my life online, and you know, on this journey with me, you may have noticed I took a lot of solo vacations. I would work and then I would take these, uh, things that I called self care sabbaticals where I would just kind of take time off.

And again, blessed to have the income, the privilege, the flexibility. I had a full team of nannies, house managers, support to help facilitate this at home. Uh, but I would work ridiculously hard for months on end. And then I would take off maybe three, three to four days maybe, uh, where I would fly to my favorite resort in Cancun and I would just sit.

And I would spend probably 24 to 48 hours, uh, sleeping. And then I would spend time being no one’s anything. You probably heard me say this languaging before. Um, where no one would ever say my name unless they were bringing me a drink or a cocktail or food or something like that.

And, um, I’m not knocking this. It was extremely valuable time, and I’m not saying I won’t return to this or that I don’t do some element of it, but what I was essentially doing was running away. I was taking this time off to get away from a high stress situation, and the high stress situation was my work.

It was my home. It was my marriage and my relationships. It was my friendships. It was, the way that I was a boss. It was my parenting. Just parenting is stressful in general. Not that I had difficult children, but it was just stressful in general. It was my health, just managing of my health or lack thereof.

I’d had this entire world that was so high stress, that was so poorly managed, that lacked so many boundaries and was so filled with me taking on by choice in so many ways, responsibilities that were not mine to carry. And my solution to that, whenever I would get to the point where the pot was boiling over, was to leave.

And then enter the opposite, the polar opposite, which was silence, the equivalent of a float tank, right? I just wanted to lay in silence and, and do everything else. But, and you know what that did? It let a little steam out of the kettle, but make no mistake. That thing was still full of pressure. And that’s what I did for 12 years, thinking that that was the solution.
And I think that that’s what a lot of us think it is. I just need to rest so I can get back in the game. I want to let you know, if you haven’t heard it from anywhere else, Resting to get back in the game is not real. You need to change the rules of the game. If you’re trying to actually win and make it to the end, you have to change the rules of the game.

And what does that mean? Here’s the part that’s going to really have some of y’all, you know, in your feels. It means that on some levels, you may have to give up things that you think are not worth it. They are unfathomable. where you’re like, but this game can’t change because if for some reason I gave up this thing, it wouldn’t even be the same game.

That’s right. Some of y’all shouldn’t even be playing this way. So for me, what did that look like? My marriage. I can’t tell you how many times I would take these vacations for three and four days and dread going back home to the home that I had curated. That was beautiful with my incredible children that I loved.

And I would dread going back. And I would dread going back, not just because of the relationship that I was in, but I would dread going back because I knew I would just be going back to work, to service, to things that needed fixed and corrected and, and cleaned and just a to do list that never ended. And what I recognized was that where I was vacationing was peace and I was returning to my constant, which was chaos and Obviously, I was just going to return to burnout. Your body will tell you. It is giving you signs. How on earth will your body believe that you love and that you care for yourself and that you see value in yourself and that you see worth in yourself if you continue to return into a place of chaos?
But make no mistake, for 12 years, I struggled because I could not even catch a vision around a way to live in both peace. and maintain the life that I had before. Oh, this is hard to say out loud, but I’m gonna say it because, I mean, who does it serve if I, if I don’t, right? It was hard for me to believe that I could have peace and still maintain the life that I’d worked so hard, the vision, right?

The fantasy of All things amazing, you know, that I lived in before the, the million dollar house and all the, I, I, how could I maintain that and still have peace? And I did everything, every hack, every strategy around it, get a nanny, get more help, get a bigger team, get a different office. Buy more tools, go shopping, take vacations, eat this way, lose this weight, do this, do this again.

I, listen, it’s the way that I say sometimes, and y’all know I’m a Christian, I joke that people will try everything but Jesus, okay? They’ll be going through stress in their life, and they will be like, let me get, and I’m not knocking those of you who try these things, right? But make no mistake, I’m a Jesus and therapy girl, you need both, right?

But when I tell you people will try everything but, they will try all the sages, all the crystals, all the oils, all the things without throwing up a single prayer to say, And if this thing also works, Lord, can you help me? You know, he’s an option too. You know, it’s just like, people try everything but Jesus.

And it’s like, that’s how I felt. I was trying everything but actual release. Surrender. Letting go. Shifts. The truth was, peace was mine to have, but not without letting go of things that did not serve me. I could live a life where burnout was constantly decreasing, and I could live in equilibrium, an equal life of joy and peace and safety and health and wellness and well being.

But not in the life I was in. And that was hard to accept. Heck, it’s still hard to accept. There’s, something I experience right now, which, you know, pop in my DMs if someone else is experiencing this, and, you know, I talk about it with my therapist, but, you know, I wake up in a panic some days, in the mornings.

And nothing crazy, you know, but, I’ll wake up, and I’ll be like, I can feel my heart kind of racing, you know, from a, from a sleep first thing in the morning. And it’s because I forget that my life is different now. That’s how enmeshed in my DNA, the trauma and the exhaustion of my previous life is. I wake up and I look over and I see Alex and I look around my room.
And I expect to still see my other life. And I don’t know if a lot of people experience this, but the way that I can say it’s, what it’s similar to is if you’re someone who travels a lot, where you’re like, oh, I’m always in a different hotel, like I’m a pilot or a flight attendant or a teacher or a sales rep or something like that, sometimes you wake up and you don’t know what city you’re in.

You know, like, or if you’ve ever been on like a tour or anything like that, you wake up and you’re like, where am I? Am I in Michigan today? Am I in such and such, you know? Just, things change so rapidly that you just, you kind of get a little disoriented. I experienced a disorientation of my life where I wake up and I open my eyes and I expect to see my Atlanta bedroom and I expect to see, you know, or hear noises of a full house with tons of kids in it.

And, you know, nannies and house managers kind of bustling around or a gardener outside. And it takes me a minute to kind of acclimate myself because I then realize, oh no, you’re in California. But catch this, over the past three years, I have let go of so many disruptive and chaotic things in my life.

Whether it is team or business behaviors or strategy or boundaries or people or habits or food. So many things that did not serve me and I just did not care what the price was because of the price was my peace. It was too expensive. I let go of so many things in my life that I, my life is unrecognizable now, even to me.

And I mean that in the best possible way. I wake up and I look around and I think that I have, I have dreamt up the life that I am blessed to live in. And I literally like, well, if Alex isn’t in the bed because he got up to like make hot breakfast for Allie or take her to school or he’s doing a workout, I’ll call him and be like, Alex?

And he’s like, yeah, I’m here, baby. And I will literally feel relief come over me. I will literally feel relief come over me because I’m like, oh, I did not dream him up too. I am in this incredible life, and to be clear, if you’ve read my book, everything is right, everything is wrong, but nothing is missing.

My life looks nothing like what I could have ever expected it to look like. If you told me this was the life that I would have to have in order to have the peace that I deserve, back when I was running and escaping from the life that I curated and chose and built and made, I would have said, y’all can keep it.

Y’all can keep it. You’re telling me I’m going to get rid of the massive office with all the employees and I’m going to switch that out for a smaller office and in Beverly Hills and that I am going to get rid of the massive million dollar home and I’m going to live in a home that actually costs more because California, but it’s smaller, you know, and I’m going to get rid of the staff coming in and out all the time and living there permanently.

And I’m just going to let go of all of these things, but that my, that’s going to increase my peace. I would have been like, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. But I want to tell y’all that the peace that you’re seeking, the ease, the stability that is devoid of burnout and keeps it from returning is in surrender.

It’s in letting go of what you may think serves you and embracing what’s actually going to make a difference in your life. What is the point of taking the vacation days without learning and creating the boundaries so you don’t even need them as much? When I tell you. It is possible to love every single room that you’re in, to be in the car and feel sadness about leaving a home that you love and you just wish you were there, and joy as you drive to a meeting with a great friend that you’re with, and excitement that you get to return back home, but happiness that you’re also in the car by yourself and having a moment of peace.

I mean, my life right now is one where I feel so much. contentment in every moment I’m in. So even now, just chatting with you, I could never have dreamt up having the blessing of, you know, being with a podcast network where I get to come in and sit. I mean, there are hearts prayers, you know, for those of you all who are Christians, you know, we, um, One of the things that’s said in the Bible is that, you know, God knows all the prayers of our hearts, like big, small, little, you know, and even sometimes when you don’t articulate things, they pop up.

So for those of you all who are manifestors, you understand that like when you say things out loud, big or small, you can actually get them. So, if you say things like all green lights, you know, boom, you might get all green lights. And as a Christian, you know that, that, that is in the form of prayer. You know, God can do it all.

And when I tell you, There are things that I’ve articulated like, please God, give me a studio or a world where I’m able to sit down, drop my content, move on with my life. I didn’t necessarily know all the pieces to ask for that, but I have that now. And that is a blessing that I didn’t, I didn’t even know how to pray.

in specificity for, and yet here I am sitting within it. Thank you, God. And if I had known, though, that in order for me to get here, because the thing that he wanted for me that would answer those specific prayers was in California. And the only way I would get it would be if I let go of what I had that seemed so valuable, and so intentional, and so perfect.
I mean, I chose it. In order for me to have what I needed, I had to let go of what I worked for? It doesn’t even make sense, and yet it’s true. And there are a million stories like this that you hear online, and I hope that as you go through your day after this conversation, you start looking with intentionality at that.

How many people have you heard tell stories of what they’ve had to give up to get where they’re supposed to be in their purpose? That’s the beginning of almost every story. You have to quit your job to be your full time entrepreneur. You have to quit living a life of singledom to commit to partnership.

You have to quit eating poorly or making decisions that may not align with your body and your health in order to embrace a more healthy lifestyle. You have to quit spending recklessly in order to save and acquire things you love.

letting go is not just something though that happens in a small scale way. Letting go has to happen completely. So it’s up to you how long it’ll take for you to end up in the life that you really want, with the health that you want, with the joy that you want, and all of which that you deserve.

But I have to let you know that the choice of how quickly you get there is whether you choose to let go in stages as I did, which I mean, classic Nicole, right? 12 years of learning myself within a marriage. And my God, when I tell you I have no regrets about my marriage, I have nothing negative to say about my ex, because He is truly and completely every single thing he’s always said he’s been, you know, so I really hope he gets every single thing that he deserves.

I hope God spares him nothing in what he deserves and in what should be in his world. I hope he gets every single ounce of it. But I also have learned so much, especially in where I continue to learn from that time that was spent. And during that timeframe, I just grew and grew and grew and, and learned and adapted and changed.

You know, I own the change for good and for bad, right? For certain, some of the ways that I changed were so terribly not good that I was able to say to myself, Oh, this isn’t who I want to be. I have to, I have to make another pivot. But towards the end, there was almost an accelerated growth as I started letting go, to the point where now, if something doesn’t serve me, I want to let go of it quickly so I don’t suffer long, because I know on the other side is goodness.

And so I hope to encourage you in examining where you are right now. Because we live in a society of what do we need next? If you’re sitting there saying to yourself, what I need is a better workout routine, a new gym membership, more tools, more supplements, more money, more this. I really want you to take today to shift and say to yourself, look, nothing is missing with me, right?

I’m your friend. You know, I’m going to say that. But maybe what do I need to let go? What boundaries do I need to build? And then that way, when you jump off and you take your vacation, You are returning to a life that you love.

 

IN THIS EPISODE, WE CHAT ABOUT:
  • What my old patterns of stress looked like and where they led me,
  • How I used to handle stress with escape,
  • What happened that led me to question if escaping life was the answer, and
  • The changes I’ve had to make to create a life that I didn’t need to escape from
RESOURCES AND LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
  • Let’s connect on Instagram HERE
  • Find my friend, Koya Webb, HERE.
  • Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
  • Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
  • What is Wellness Privilege and why does it leave us feeling like we aren’t doing enough, ever? Listen here or watch here.
  • I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!
MORE ABOUT THE NICOLE WALTERS PODCAST:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Wellness Privilege

Wellness Privilege

by | May 30, 2024

Wellness Privilege

Friend, you know I love learning and that personal growth is at the center of our chats here. With that said, I’m seeing a trend that I can’t get behind. Anytime we’re helping one another grow, we have to do it from a place of grace and not shame. And shame is what I’m seeing all over social media.

Let’s chat about what should be our number one priority and how it may differ from the people around us. Shake off the shame and let’s chat.

 

Nicole:

Hey friends, so I want to dive right in because this topic has been on my heart and I’ve been feeling really strongly about it. Actually, I’ve been talking my friend’s ears off about it and the reason why is I’ve noticed this thing that’s happening around the internet and I hope you can understand and relate with this as well.

Now, we’ve all heard about the people who talk about focusing on material goods and flexing things on the internet and let’s, let’s just be, let’s keep it all the way real. We’re not seeing as much of that luxury lifestyle flex. I know I’m not the only one you remember in the sort of, I would say like the 2019 pre pandemic y time where people were taking photos in their closets with their handbags and, you know, showing pictures of themselves in front of mansions with cars and things like that.

And frankly, I don’t know if it’s just my timeline, if the algorithm knows I don’t play like that, but it really feels like there’s been almost a purge of that because we know it’s in bad taste. And why is it in bad taste? Because this economy is not playing like that. If you listen to last week’s episode where I was talking about, not pinching our pennies, but being really mindful around the value of where our pennies go, you understand just as much as anyone else, it really doesn’t matter what your tax bracket is right now. You are feeling the pinch. And here’s what I mean by that. Obviously, billionaires don’t feel the pinch the same way as those of us that are living below the poverty line. But even they’re saying to themselves, can’t get the extra island, can’t get the yacht, right?

Like, what? We’re all feeling it, right? And this is, again, not throwing sympathy towards those who have plenty. That is not what I’m doing right now. I’m just saying it is a universal thing that we’re all experiencing the impacts of inflation or at least seeing what it’s like. And we talked about that last week, you know, and if you haven’t listened to that episode, Get back over there, listen to it, because I offer some really rock solid tips on how to lessen the pinch and up the knowledge while kind of traversing and living through this time.

But I want to talk about something that is not just money related, but it is almost a universal mindset. thing that I’m seeing happen that’s driving me nuts. And it’s called wellness shaming. Now, I don’t know if this is a technical term or if it’s just, it’s the way that I can think of it. And I don’t use shaming lightly, right?

Because I know that there is sort of an element of people attaching that word to anything that makes people like uncomfortable, like, oh, well, your body’s shaming. I feel like people have gotten kind of cavalier around what it means to carry shame. And I don’t want to minimize the power of it. But wellness shaming is this, to me, this is how I’ve seen it.
There is so much talk now about Clean living, clean eating, clean makeup, clean skincare, clean household products, clean, clean, clean. And I don’t say these things because they’re not important. I, I really, cause y’all, people will come for you in the comments. I’m not trying to get canceled up in here, you know, but what I’m trying to get at is, There is this huge shift away from the luxury lifestyle, the fancy pants flex and all of that to doing less with more.

Minimalistic. I mean, have you guys ever heard about like the beige moms where they don’t even use color? Everything’s beige, right? Neutralized all the things. And first and foremost, raise, raising my hand. I think we’ve all ascribed to some element of this, you know, anything that allows me to do less because I’m a hot mess I receive.

But, but. I also think there’s this thing that I see, particularly amongst the wealthy, or those who are more privileged. And when I say privileged, I mean not just from non marginalized communities, but also privileged in platform, or privileged in visibility, or privileged in access, or class, or pretty privilege, you know, where They have more and they have an opportunity to access more where it has become popularized in saying, well, I don’t care about stuff.

I care about wellness. Yeah, you know, I mean, we used to do, you know, all these trips and we used to do all these things and now, honestly, I just drink my smoothie every morning and then I do my hot yoga and my tea routine and then I do 15, a 15 piece skincare routine and then I go on two and a half mile walks and then I do all these things and I say all of this, I know you can hear my tone, I’m, I don’t mean to come across as being sarcastic, I just mean that it’s all kind of blending into this one big big sound for me, this cacophony, this humdrum, this usual noise of, I am better because I have tossed aside the, the exploits, the luxuries, the fancy pants ness of things.

And all I care about is biohacking and, you know, my, my blood count and like all these little things, right? And what I’m saying is it’s not that these things are not important. Hear me loud and proud, Lord knows I want to see value and I celebrate.

The management of our health. When I tell you cancer is real, it sucks, I have been personally affected by it, and it is terrifying. Anything we can do and learn and apply to minimize our risk and exposure to anything that can hurt or harm our bodies and reduce our lifestyle, our life length, we should do.

anything at all. And when I tell you, as someone who grew up with nothing and has benefited and experienced the joys of having a financially free lifestyle, you know, it’s, it’s better, it feels better being rich than poor. You know, like that is a true statement that if any rich person tries to convince you, you don’t want that, please suffer.

It’s, it’s in your interest. They’re lying. Like that, there’s a reason why the wealthy have all the money and are hesitant to give it up, and it’s because it feels better to have money. Your life is still difficult, right? I’m not ignoring that there are difficulties that come with the privilege of wealth, but it is a privilege nonetheless.

What I’m getting at is this idea that we can say, yeah, you know, I just. I don’t wear fancy stuff. I just do, like, white tees and jeans because, you know, I’m just into, like, really, like, clean fabrics and all that. But, like, your white tee costs 180 and your jeans cost, like, you know, 300. And that’s what you’re advertising.

Now, for all my regular folk out there, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You know, I grew up with nothing. Like, grew up with nothing, completely self made, and when I say self made, I mean I did not have the assistance of investors. I did not have loans. I did not have a trust fund. I did not have an inheritance.

I did not borrow money from my spouse. I did not have partners. I did not have kickbacks. I literally went from taking one dollar and then earning that dollar high enough to buy the next piece of equipment that earned me more money and so on and so forth. Every single dollar that comes in, I touched and made myself, um, obviously with the help of my team and the blessing of God, right?

But nonetheless, touch and made myself. And so it’s difficult for me to be blessed to be invited into certain rooms, you know, where I get to see these very wealthy people live very expensive existences and do things And spend their money in certain ways where they’re able to have very, like, they choose to spend their money on very fancy cars and ridiculous households, but then sit there and say, but I only buy the most organic forms of meat because health is what matters most.

Like sir. Like ma’am. Like, let’s keep it real. You have incredibly expensive things and you live a very fancy lifestyle, but you’re, you’re holding up the banner of wellness when in reality you are flexing in a different way to give it the appearance of being more accessible to the average person. But the truth is it’s still just as inaccessible as the Lamborghini you drive.

And here’s why it’s inaccessible. So this is, this conversation is both for those of you out there who feel like, You are still in the outskirts, but you’re not understanding why it looks this way, but you still can’t access it. Right. And this conversation is also for those of you who are, are part of this, you know, who are living this lifestyle and flexing without acknowledging that this is not as accessible as you think.

So in extending grace to all, here’s the truth of it. Not all of us can afford a 15 piece skincare system. Like, it’s expensive. And not just that, but the time, and heck, even the counter space. I mean, Some of us don’t even realize that there are little tiny places where your privilege is evident that You don’t even realize because you haven’t done without.

I’m going to give you a simple example of this. When I watch people doing their skincare routines on TikTok and I see that they’re doing them on glamorous marble countertops with multi shelving and tiered access and refrigerated skin cream and all of these things and gorgeous mirrors that are backlit with ring lights.

You don’t even realize that the people who are watching this sometimes are balancing their toothbrush on a sink. And they don’t even have room for their toothpaste. Like, you don’t even realize the privilege of the extra space of a countertop to hold the weight of your five, piece, you know, moisturization portion of your regimen, you know, and I’m not saying this to chastise that you have, especially for some of you who’ve earned being in that position, that you have these routines, and I’m not saying this to chastise, you know, people who decide to share these routines. It is glorious and beautiful that we live in an information age where we’re able to share information.

It is a wonderful thing. I’m saying that More so than ever before, it has become critically important that we issue sensitivity and awareness that we do not all have a same shared existence and that we actively avoid shaming people by saying things like, you may be focused on getting a bigger house or getting a nicer car, but you know, really what matters is that you’re eating gluten free and that you have a, you know, vegan diet.

That sentence may make sense in your privileged world, but that sentence does not make sense into the person who’s living in a one bedroom apartment with a family of four or five and driving a car that is 10 years outdated. They need the nicer house and they need the nicer car. And it is a priority because they do not have the funds to necessarily have the meals and the grain fed and that where they’re putting their money makes sense.

And so it’s not them flexing to be able to improve their Maslow’s hierarchy of needs of better housing or, uh, doing the best they can. And it is not a lack of caring or understanding or appreciation or awareness for them to say, look, we buy. the regular meat at the market, you know, and we do serve a frozen pizza once a week because that’s what we have to feed our family.
And it’s our special treat because we do not have the budget to dine out. You know, it’s not wrong of them to feel really special and to feel like it is a meaningful flex in this sad economy that they have a full grocery cart. I remember every two weeks growing up that, um, We would go grocery shopping at home.

So if you’re from the D. C. Maryland area, you probably remember like BJ’s Wholesale Club. And I think they still have them in general, but that’s my mom’s shopping place of choice. She wasn’t a Costco girl. She was a BJ’s girl. And every two weeks when the paycheck would come in, I remember how thread bare And just thin our fridge would get.

I mean, it would get down to the bottom dredges of the milk, and we would be all out of anything special that would be like juice or anything like that. I mean, I could see, just as some context, I could see clear to the back of our fridge in many spaces because shelves were empty. And the blessing was, they only became empty within a day or two before the check came in.

That’s not the case for everyone. For some people, they’re always empty, right? So, I would notice that they would start being threadbare, but then it would be time to go grocery shopping. And we would do our big grocery shopping every two weeks. And that would mean we would go and we would restock on everything we could.

And I remember back then we would spend, because I remember seeing the number come up, anywhere between 175 to 300. And this was like late 90s, early 2000s. So right now, if you’re not aware, because you’re so privileged as we just get what we need, or we UberEAT, or we Instacart, you know. Groceries right now for families are hitting up on the cost of daycare.

Like, it is literally an either or choice. They’re spending 1, 000 to 1, 500 to feed families of four or five. I am not making this number up. You know, and, and that is with the basics. That is buying bulk. That is, you know, letting some things go that is buying a discount meat that is picking up the packaging to look for what’s a few cents less.

You know, this is a very real existence for so many people. And I just want to be transparent as well. You know, this is something that even I engage in and whether you call it, you know, the trauma of poverty, but I’m used to it. It’s where I choose to save my pennies. We still cook our meals. We still cook in bulk.

I still look and I try not to, you know, overspend on certain items. And I take a lot of pride in the fact that I cook because it not only helps, you know, feed my family as best as I can and as well and as healthily as I can, but it also helps us save money. And I don’t care how much money you make, you should be looking at saving money wherever you can.

So that said, we go grocery shopping. And I remember the process of loading up the cart with, you know, sacks of rice and, you know, different things. cuts of chicken so my mom can make stews and, you know, helping her pick out tomatoes to get ones that were a little firm so they wouldn’t go bad during the week because they were too ripe and being really aware of how many.

And for some of y’all, I know that this is ringing true right now, taking extra grapes out of the grape sack because they’re, you know, 3. 99 a pound or whatever. And we only had enough to spend on this amount. I also remember putting stuff back when we got to the You register because it was just a little bit more rang up at a different price point.

And when I tell you that this is a very real, unwavering reality for so many people, that the sheer idea of feeding your family is something where you are trying to make decisions around how much and, and how much in terms of quantity and cost I can afford to then say that you care less. or that you are not as aware or you’re not as evolved or that you are deprioritizing because you aren’t checking to also see if that meat is grain fed, holistically raised, non bovine hugged, you know, whatever the categories.

It would be a blessing to be able to offer all of that. And as much as people want to say, but what else matters more? What else matters more than your wellness? If you’re not alive and and eating well, that is your priority. You’re right. It is a priority except for the fact that the lights have to stay on to begin with.

Because nothing will even stay and keep in that fridge if the lights are not paid. Is it a priority over making sure you’re paying for the medication for your child who was born a diabetic, and it doesn’t matter what class of life that you have, and that those meds are in shortage, so now you have to go to different pharmacies and pay various prices because of healthcare?

Like, make no mistake, it is such a privilege. And I also, I’m gonna hold my own feet to the fire. If I am guilty of ever making anyone ever feel like they’re deprioritizing their family because it’s what they really care about is that they would worry about their wellness or worry about their business or whatever else, please, I extend in advance before y’all search me up on Twitter from when I, what I said when I was 19 years old or whatever, I claim and call out in advance.

Nothing matters more. than doing the best you can for your family. And you deserve all the grace in the face of the people out here who are constantly inundating you with content around if you are not focused on this sort of lifestyle, that you’re not doing enough. Make your incremental progress. That is what you can do.

So this is the assignment, right? If you’re one of those families that I’m talking about here, that is struggling. And even if you’re not struggling, you’re, you’re making it work, right? Like the ends barely meet. Then the thing that matters most is that you just keep trying. And if you find that in that extra month, you’ve got a little bit of anything extra and you’ve already saved and you’ve already put it towards the goals for the basic growth that you can get.

And you’re able to say, you know what? Let’s try. a different type of milk or let’s try a few more grains or plant based things or let’s try a different cut of meat like Bravo. And if you find that for Christmas or for a holiday, you decide to ask for the nicer skincare thing because you want to try something different.

Amazing. That is wonderful. And I’m proud of you for saying that with my extra, instead of maybe dipping into something that might have been more of a luxury item. I’m trying to get something that improves my wellness. That is a brilliant and brave move. But I also don’t want to shame you. Or make you feel bad for doing something nice for yourself, like getting that handbag, or buying that piece of jewelry, or investing in a nicer prom for your child, because you may not get to take trips on big vacations, and you may not be able to count on the fact that you had a huge wedding or whatever, but you want your daughter to have the nicest prom ever, because that is a meaningful experience, do not feel bad that that is where you spent your extra money.

And do not feel shamed, at least, if you are comfortable with that decision making, because that’s where the value was for you. And then for people like me and people like you who may have platforms or have the opportunity to speak into the lives of people who are making these types of decisions and still want to be seen where they are, where they may be cutting back on certain experiences and spending in other areas.

We can continue to share what we’re learning. We can continue to share about clean makeup and clean skincare and amazing baby products and that awareness around growth and, you know, spending on therapy and spending on, you know, valuable exercises and tools. Continue to share about that because knowledge is empowering and it changes lives.
And I love hearing about people grow and learn more to get better. But always do it from a perspective of grace and not shame. Always do it from a place where you’re able to say, look, I used to be like this before. And with this new information, I have learned this and I recognize that everyone is on their own journey and doing the best they can give people that grace and then introduce the idea and say, maybe this is a step that you can take when you’re able.
Because understand that if there is anything that we don’t need more of in this world, When we are all caring so much and doing the absolute best we can is more shame.

IN THIS EPISODE, WE CHAT ABOUT:
  • How wellness privilege is shaming others,
  • Why we have to teach each other from a place of grace and not shame,
  • Why this topic gets to me, and
  • How to align your actions with what matters MOST to you
RESOURCES AND LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
  • Let’s connect on Instagram HERE
  • Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
  • Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
  • In this economy?! Don’t miss our chat about the changes I’m making to make all the money count right now! Listen here or watch here.
  • I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!
MORE ABOUT THE NICOLE WALTERS PODCAST:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.
As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.
When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.
Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Worth Every Penny

Worth Every Penny

by | May 23, 2024

Worth Every Penny

Y’all we need to talk about today’s money. You know the money that just doesn’t seem to last as long as it once did? In this chat we’re talking about how to make decisions that are worth every penny.

This mindset shift around money has informed the way my kids make money decisions and how they view their time and energy. This belief, if you decide to take it, will help you to realize the value of YOUR dollar.

Thanks for being here, friend. Slide into my DMs @‌NicoleWalters with how you’re handling today’s inflation and still getting all the value out of your dollar.

Nicole:

Hey friends, so I don’t typically do episodes where I’m talking about business related things or mindset things. Usually we’re just catching up on life and the happenings and all that good stuff. Like if you caught last week’s episode I was chatting with my dear friend Myesha Chaney about all the transitions and changes that happened in divorce and how she’s managed to be a public figure and still land on top.

And the week before that I was chatting all things business. with the Misterfella, but it’s time for us to have another one on one. And in this chat I wanted to talk to you about something pretty meaningful. It’s a shift that happened in my life and it’s one that honestly people come and visit me in Los Angeles to make this shift.

It’s something that I do for business owners, for everyday mom and dads and honestly, any good friend that I have. It’s really important that during the time that we have our friendship and you know, as they’re trying to accomplish their goals, that if I’m able to impart this belief on them, that they’re able to see the fruits of their labor.

So friends, I want to talk to you about knowing your own worth now. Now freeze. Hold on. I know that you have all heard conversations like this already, right? I feel like it was something that became really popularized maybe a couple years ago, maybe around like the pandemic y time where you would hear all over the internet, charge what you’re worth, get paid what you’re worth, your worth is this, your value, money issues, money fears, manifest, all of that.

And I want to tell you. A little bit of column A and a little bit of column B is true, right? We all absolutely deserve to be paid what we’re worth, but column B is true too. We do need to understand quantifying our worth. We need to know how to calculate what is actually reasonable based on the skills we bring to the table, the way that we show up, how we’re going to perform, and the best use of our time.

And that’s what I wanted to chat about. I wanted to chat about two things that I’m seeing happen. One, In this internet space, as well as in this crazy economy. what’s happening with worth. We’ll start there. And then I want to talk about how maybe you can make some small shifts to reflect on how you’re thinking about your worth and maybe even pass them down to your littles to really help make sure that your time, effort, and money is going where it needs to go.

So the first thing is this, y’all, it is expensive in these World grocery store, raising kids, childcare, everything streets. Am I right? What is going on with inflation? I mean this economy is bananas. Now, if you are one of my clients or one of my students or you worked with me, you know that we’ve been talking about inflation coming.

We’ve been talking about recessions for over six years. So what’s awesome is anyone who’s ever worked with me, we’ve always looked at the numbers. So this is not news to us. We actually expected it and we prepared our businesses and our lives for it because we’ve known that these higher numbers were coming.

So I know that for a lot of us, it feels like a gut punch. But you know what? A lot of people don’t realize is that. When we went through the pandemic, a lot of the political legislation and the numbers were modified to help us get through that time. That’s like the simplest way to put it. So what it did was it pushed back something that was already an economic situation that was going to come.

Anyways, we were already facing a recession, but it actually ended up getting pushed back a bit. And now we’re looking at really feeling the full force of what was to come. Prices were artificially low. There are a lot of extra money in people’s pockets, but realistically we’re living in a time that I’d like to say, I wish I could say was unavoidable, but this is part of the natural cycle of economies.

But Oh, it does not mean that we are not all feeling the pinch. I mean, between interest rates around mortgages, my goodness, and rent prices like what are you what is happening and then food cost? I mean everything that is essential right now is so Costly and I say all of this to say that I really identify and understand particularly as a mom who is solely Financially responsible for her children and for herself and for her businesses and I mean obviously I’m in a relationship with the Misterfella who you know covers his share of bills and we’re in a two parent household But I mean It is us, you know what I mean?

There ain’t nobody coming to save us. And I think a lot of us are, you know, nodding our heads the same way because we know what it’s like to really be the adults in the room, you know, and sometimes kind of wonder what the heck, right? But the thing that I think a lot of us can relate to and identify right now is around value.

And that’s the first part of the shift that I want to make. One, I want to talk about how we’re seeing and experiencing it every day. And then of course, again, worth related to value in relation to us. So let’s get into this value part. So the other day I was out to dinner with the Misterfella and he was joking because we went out to a steak dinner and if you don’t know, I love like high quality meals.

Right, like I’m, I’m a girl who, sure, I can get down at Olive Garden on, you know, some soup and some breadsticks and salad. Like give me the special, I will go in. I don’t need fancy pants meals in order to enjoy myself, right? Like that is the truth of it. Like you can catch me on the couch with some Easy Mac.

Like it is the real deal. But if I’m going to pay for a meal, when I go out, I often like to have nice dinners. Like, and I’m very particular, partly because I know how to cook. So like, I know what the ingredients are, you know, and if I’m paying for something, I want it to be delicious. And so the Misterfella knows this.

And we were out to dinner cause I had a steak craving. So teeny bit of Nicole trivia. Um, What I can’t cook is a steak to save my life. Feel free to DM me your best steak tips. Seriously, because I, I don’t even buy them because I struggle with making them and I really like them to be perfect and perfect to me is well marbled, medium, rare, tender, just delicious.
So I’d rather just go out and get one. Well. We go out and when we go out to get steak, it’s really funny because we have two different perspectives around it. So I grew up, as you all know, in particular, if you read my book, nothing is missing. I grew up not having much, you know, I grew up in a family that never went out to fancy meals.

And if we did, it was red lobster. Um, and you know, and honestly, Red Lobster with the cheddar biscuits. That’s really, let’s not sleep on Red Lobster, right? But I still go to Red Lobster, but that said, you know, we just never went out like we didn’t vacation We just had nothing extra and you know, uh, the Misterfella, my Alex, he, you know, grew up in a family that did really well. His parents are lawyers and he, you know, Had nice meals and had nice things, but ultimately he’s a pretty average Average income person, right? He does well for himself. We call it California poor where in California You can make six figures and just doesn’t really go anywhere, right?

So when we go out he wants to order a tomahawk porterhouse his rule is, if I see white space on my plate, what happened? Like that is the energy, right? And he’s like, and it tastes good to him if he is stuffed to the gills. That is his measurement of a good meal, right? What were the portions like?

Am I stuffed? And was it reasonably delicious? Right? I, on the other hand, come from the other camp where I’m like, look, I don’t care if it is four bites of food. Let it be the best four bites of food I have ever had in my life. Like give me the fancy pants, Michelin star meal, like three courses of two things on a tablespoon that I will just never taste anywhere else in my life with like the most crazy of flavors, right?

That’s, that’s the camp that I’m in. So when we go out for steak, he’s the guy who’s ordering the porterhouse and I’m the girl who’s ordering dinner. Four ounces of the A5 Wagyu fancy pan steak that’s cooked to perfection, right? And it’s so funny because we’ll spend roughly the same price on our meals, but the portions look totally different.

And Here’s where I think it comes into play for all of us. It’s starting to feel like no matter what we pay, we’re seeing a lot of white space on our plates. And that’s where value comes in, where it feels like, and I think a lot of us can verify that it is happening, where we go out to a stores and for the same thing that we purchased before we’re getting smaller portions or where we go out to get a service and it’s shortened time, or if we go out to get something that is being, uh, delivered to us that maybe the additional enhancements that kind of were part of the process Now have a price of bump or an increase. And it’s, it’s interesting because it wasn’t always like that. I mean it truly wasn’t always like that. It used to feel like we were in a situation where we were getting the most value out of everything that came. I mean honestly I remember growing up in the days where we would share like, oh this is such a great value, go out here.

Or there was always a place where you could take your family and know that you’re going to get a great high quality meal, home style, fill your plates, you know, some that take home and the price has never changed. But now. If I go to the local taco shop, I feel like on one day, those tacos are a dollar.

The next day, they’re 2. The day after that, they’re 3. 50. I mean, that is what inflation looks like. And it feels like the portions just get smaller while the prices go up. And I want to pause on that for a sec, because I think a lot of us can sit with that and understand it. If you’re anything like me. You don’t mind paying what something is worth as long as you feel like it got good value for your dollar.

Am I right? I don’t mind if I have to pay for health insurance, if I feel like it’s going to cover the things that I’m dealing with and it’s going to work when I’m there and then I’m going to have access to the best medical care and then I’m going to have to go to a hospital that’s in my neighborhood and see a great doctor that’s going to spend time with me.

And I don’t mind paying the cost associated with groceries. I don’t. I just wish that there were groceries that I knew would last the entire week. And I didn’t have to do a mid week re up on the milk, bread, fruits, and veggies. And I wish that everything in my fridge could be organic and healthy for the same price I’m paying now.

I as long as I know what I’m getting is the value for it. And what’s so difficult now is it feels like, and honestly, and I think in a lot of ways, and I think many of you will agree, you know, it feels like the value is not in alignment. And that’s really difficult because it makes a lot of us sit here and say look some of these things are non negotiables You know, um, I shared a little bit on Instagram if you are keeping along that Puffin our little one who is turning 13 this year y’all 13 what is happening?

Some of y’all have met me recently but If we have been in this internet space for a while and you’re a long time internet auntie, you have known Puffin since she was literally three. Y’all, we are a decade into this and as she’s starting to really develop into her own personality and she’s really becoming a truly a young woman, you know, she, uh, is an introvert, you know, and, and I don’t say that as a negative thing at all.

It is, it is, she is truly. And I say, and the reason I say as a caveat that I don’t say it as a negative thing is because being an introvert is really tough in your teens, in a world that really celebrates and elevates extroversion as like the prize within teens. And I mentioned that because it’s not that I share those values necessarily.

It’s that. It’s all about when you watch like Disney and stuff, it’s who’s the lead in the play and who’s the popular girl and who’s the star of the show. And, you know, It’s tough because I’m raising a girl who is not interested in that and that what I mean by that is she is very Confident and very aware of what she has to offer the fact that she is smart capable well rounded has tons to contribute She is not insecure.

She is not shy. She has all the thoughts all the pains like most introverts Most of them like where it’s like I’m just sitting in the room and taking it all in and I will insert myself where required And if someone needs to run it, I will do it But for the most part I like to just watch what’s going on, right?

And all my introverts right now are like exactly right, you know Like you’re not the first one to run out there and make a scene but trust you know What’s going on and that’s very much who she is, but it’s tough because you know The people who get seen are often the ones with the biggest mouths and not necessarily the ones that are most qualified and that’s difficult for her.

So one of the things we’ve had to recently invest in is private school because we wanted to make sure that she was in an environment where the class sizes were smaller. Currently, uh, she was in public school for a short time during our transition to California post divorce and, uh, And she was in a classroom of 40 kids and shout out to all my teachers.
You know how much I love you. God bless you. God bless you and keep and cover you for handling. And then these kids are not what they used to be, lord! They’re not what they used to be. So God bless and keep you. But when I tell you, She just felt dwarfed in that environment. She said mom. I just we don’t even get any work done There’s just too much happening and I understood it.

I wanted to make sure she was an environment where she could shine, but y’all Private school not just in LA. I mean when she was in elementary school in particle She’s a middle school now when she was in elementary school in Georgia private school was 25, 000 A school year, which I know is for some of y’all you’re like that’s not that bad for other ones You know that that’s like a deal basically and that was maybe four years ago.

We paid that no three years ago in Los Angeles it can be anywhere between 30 and 50, 000 a year for private school And that is, I mean, when you think about that and those costs, and I’m also hearing that, you know, college educations are now hitting up on 100, 000. And for those, for those of my parents who know we’re making the sacrifice, we’re doing what we need to do because, you know, the kids come first.
You also understand that covering those sorts of expenses, in addition to all the things that go along with it, the activities, the sports, you name it, the camps, the tutoring, the everything, right? It is costly. But isn’t that a great example, though, of where the value seems to make sense? Where we’re able to say, you know what, I will always find a way, even though this is like, I’m feeling the, the tightness of this.

Because the activities, the sport, the way it nurtures, especially for kids in a great school, where you’re like, they’re really developing into themselves, you see the value. I’m really struggling to see that in other aspects of my life. So one of the things I’m doing to approach sort of what’s happening in the economy and how we’re handling it in our home and in our lives is I’m really teaching my kids about value. That’s the first thing because growing up, how many of us just learned, you know, like the cost of an item is a dollar.

Right, or the cost of this thing is roughly five or whenever you would leave the home. If you’re old school like me and you grew up with kind of old school or immigrant first generation or southern parents, you know this never leave the house without some cash in your pocket, right? And then they would throw you a fiver or a ten or a twenty because you just needed a little bit of cash in your pocket, but that number always kind of represented This’ll cover a taxi, or this’ll cover a meal, or this’ll cover the ability to get from A to B, or a bus fare, or something.

But now you really have to say to your kids, hey, here’s the debit card. Or, am I loaded into your Uber app? Because prices fluctuate. And we, so it’s about the value. So I’ve really started focusing and shifting with my kids when it comes to interacting with the outside world, same shifts that we’ve had within.

Look at the value of what you’re getting. Now it’s not that I never taught them this before, of course I always taught them the importance of value, but I’ve really started driving it home in more areas than just the value of an education or the value of an experience over items or the value of relationships over material goods.

I’m really starting to drum it down to, hey, when we go to the market and and We’re trying to figure out what our personal values are. If it really matters to you that you are eating a vegan, vegetarian, organic, um, non processed diet, then you’re also going to need to look at maybe learning how to cook so that you can bring down your cost of eating externally and also make the most out of your meals.

Um, you know, these are some of the value based lessons based on the cost of food that I’m starting to shift to my kids. Another value based lesson. is teaching my kids about meal prep and cooking in larger quantities and using that to prepare your meals for the week. So while I know that meal prep is something that’s all trending, I mean, just check out the hashtag on TikTok.

One of the things that I’ve always grown up with, you know, because for those who’ve read the book, I went to boarding school. So I lived in a home of 12 girls. And so we always kind of cooked in large quantities. And, uh, I got to tell you, It’s stuck with me my whole life and I’ve always had big family dreams and God being so good But with my adopted babies, you know, I’ve had a big family, you know, and so, you know What we would do is on Sunday, we would cook most of our meals, you know And we usually would try to do maybe one pasta in the fridge, one sort of like stir fry or sauce based things.

So it might be like a chicken and broccoli, or it might be like a Indian Korma mix with the chicken base. Uh, we’ll do a vegetable. So it might be like a broccoli or, um, I do a thing called a squash medley where I’ll do a zucchini, a regular squash, and maybe some roasted potatoes. Things that reheat well will last the week and, um, are still tasty.

And honestly, some of the flavors develop while they’re in the fridge. And then we. always have because I’m Ghanaian. Okay, come through African. We always have rice in the fridge, just white rice, because white rice is a base level component that can go with everything, right? So, and then maybe like a meat.

So I might grill up some, some chicken breast and chop those in there. And then we buy like a box of salad greens and keep that in there for quick meals. So all this will happen on a Sunday and I will load up the fridge with these giant Tupperware containers. Of these different meals and then through the week, we’ll portion it out.

We’ll have different meals, things like that. So if you follow me over on Instagram, I’m going to post some photos and things so that you guys can see a little bit of what this looks like. So you can understand how we do our family style meal prep. Now, I also want to let you know, this family style meal prep has nothing to do with calories and macros and diet plans and portion control or other things.

Anything like that and I don’t say that to knock anything I will there is obviously the side effect benefit of when you prepare your meals like this Naturally, your family’s gonna eat home more naturally. You’re gonna eat fresher naturally You’re going to you know benefit from whatever comes with eating your meals at home, you know Like that is a natural thing, but it isn’t our priority, you know, and and I don’t say that because health isn’t important I’m just saying that I’m not trying to fixate on any sort of food things with my babies in that context.

But what I am doing is I’m actually showing them how much we save by cooking larger portions up front. So when I make my meals like this, I can buy the family size packaging of of chicken and meats and large quantities of vegetables from places like Costco, cook it all up front where it doesn’t go bad or pre portion it out into the freezer, rather than buying things individually in smaller amounts and at a higher cost.

Now, It’s amazing because as you all know, I got my babies 10 years ago or our babies 10 years ago. And that means that I have had an 11 year old and a 14 year old living in my home, teaching them life skills, things of that sort. And of course my three year old who’s now 13 who’s still with me that whole time.

But I now have a 22 year old and a soon to be 25 year old that are out in the wild. Out in the world, out in the wild, going rogue, and I can actually see the fruit of what I taught them. So in teaching them the value around buying bulk, cooking at one time, and prepping for the week, I’m seeing them employ these very techniques as they are entering the world in their early 20s where they’re more responsible for their expenses and saving money compared to their peers.

While their peers are out here dining out, Eating honestly in a less healthy way, you know, like because it’s harder to integrate some of those fresh things or have quick access to those food and then also Spending more because they don’t have food prepared in advance. It’s a time management thing as well I’m seeing my kids actually live this value based lifestyle lifestyle and it’s changing everything for them and they’re able to actually explain to their friends like look I do this because I feel like I’m getting the most for my money when I can buy a larger portion of rice that’ll last me longer rather than going out and buying things a little bit at a time especially in this economy where you’re not getting as much as you used to get before.

So yes it does mean on Sundays we are in the kitchen for probably a solid two and a half hours with everyone chopping, cutting, prepping but we do zero food prep during the week and it is very self serve for the kiddos if for some reason I have to do another task or You know, we’re popping in quickly after work or whatever They’re able to get in there portion things out on their plates heat it up and still get a hot nutritious meal on the table that is balanced and and delicious and and good to eat and Easy on the pockets.

That doesn’t mean that we don’t Uber Eats a couple times a week just because we feel like it. Sure, we do. But at the end of the day, the math is mathing. Now, that’s where we’ve made some shifts with the value in relation to how we interact with the outside world. But I also want to talk about value within.

And value within has to do with how we manage our time. So I was having a conversation this week with Alex when we were taking our laundry to the wash and fold. Now, I don’t know if you’re familiar with wash and fold services. Um, if you’re not, I’m going to tell you what they are because if you have one near you, you may want to look into it.
Now, growing up, my mom used to take our clothing to the laundromat and it was because we lived in an apartment building in Washington, DC where they’re only, I think, if I recollect, I’m literally mentally counting right now. I think there were three or four laundry machines and Three or four dryers for the entire building and they were quarter operated and I remember growing up that you know It was maybe 1 to wash and then 1. 50 to dry. And I do remember over the time that we lived in that apartment building, which was you know, from my birth all the way to age 12, so 12 years in you know, DC that the price went up from you know, 10 a quarter. I imagine when my dad moved in in the late, mid to late 70s, all the way to, you know, the 90s where I remember my mom, you know, spending upwards of 10, you know, to do laundry, including the cost of soap, detergent, things like that for the whole family and the $10 part of it, can sound kind of give or take now again, those were 90s dollars, right? You know, so 10 bucks in the 90s is you know, what 50 bucks now? At least that’s what it feels like but you know What I really recollect were that laundry days in our family were whole day occurrences We spent from dusk till dawn Hauling our laundry out, getting everything done, wash, fold, dry, prep, and hauling it all back.

I remember the sheer exhaustion on my mom’s face, and I remember the deep boredom that I felt as a kid. And I gotta tell you, It will never leave me and I will always be grateful when I have a washer dryer in my own home. Because it is something that my kids don’t even know. They don’t even know what laundromats are, you know, because we’ve been so blessed to have them.

And when I tell you, especially for those mamas out here and for those of you who still utilize laundromats the community washer dryer, I know what it’s like to have to. To do that, to save quarters. I look at quarters now and I still hold them as prized because I have that, that memory. So right now, based on where we are in our life, between me managing multiple businesses, you know, we’ve got a family here.

We’ve talked a little bit about how me and Alex are prepping for babies. So we’ve got a lot of things we’re doing over there on that side, fertility conversations. Plus we’ve got this kiddo. We have a lot going on and we’re really busy and we just don’t often have the three to four hours between washing, drying, folding, putting away to take care of laundry.
And in the past I’ve had live in help to assist me with some of these things but ultimately right now it just doesn’t make sense for the budget. I would rather use that money towards paying for school, investing in properties, investing in businesses, or just downright saving it. And where I used to think gosh, it’s nice So we still have cleaners that come in to our home about once every two weeks But we don’t have live in help and we don’t have people that come all the time And I know for some of y’all like it’s still very much a must be nice girl It is super nice and the privilege is not lost on me but I will also tell you as someone who Runs a multi million dollar business and is a ceo of multiple You know, lines of work, it is very unusual to not have more help, right?

Like, like I have a lot of peers and clients in this space that have Nannies and staff and all that and I do my cooking. I sweep my floors if my toilets need a quick cleanup I’ll do it myself because I’m in the house It’s just having grown up the way that i’ve grown up. It’s not beyond me and I thank god that I Have never lost that ability and I feel totally capable of doing it.

But it is also about the value of your time and that’s what I wanted to bring you to. So we go to the wash and fold and we’re dropping off all of our stuff and when you drop off wash and fold, if you’re not familiar with it, a lot of laundromats have them. Some dry cleaners have them and basically the way that they charge is that there’s a flat rate per pound of laundry.

So you just pack up all your stuff. You don’t need to pre sort. You don’t need to do anything else. You drop it off and they weigh it and they give you a of your laundry. So your laundry I would say an average pretty hearty load like I would say two garbage bags worth might be 15 pounds of laundry if you’re talking, you know, a couple pairs of jeans Maybe a jacket or two things like that and then your standard clothing sweatpants.

You name it might be 15 to 20 pounds Well in Los Angeles, which I’m sure is on the pricier end of the market that might run you between 40 to 50 bucks to do but I want to be clear that 40 to 50 dollars will encompass all of your laundry washed sorted dried You bring no products, no soap, no bleach, no anything.

And you just get called, you pick up your stuff and you got to put it away. Now, pause, raise your hand. Putting it away is the awful part for me. Let’s just keep it real. My laundry can sit in a basket because oh my gosh, who’s going to do all this. But that said, Whenever we get our laundry back, so I just took over I think 70 pounds of laundry because I’ve been traveling So it was like let me take over all these clothes and get it all done at once and the cost for me to do 70 pounds of laundry was a hundred dollars now again It is not lost on me the privilege to be able to spend a hundred dollars on doing my laundry but when I went back and did the math on it knowing that in the Easily, five to six hours it would have taken me to do this laundry, plus the cost of doing the laundry, plus the time of doing the laundry.

And when I say cost, I mean detergent, and soap, and gas cost, and electricity if I did it at home versus going to laundromat, coins, like all of that. When I think of those six hours and what I can do, what I can do with six hours, I could pitch clients, I could close new business, heck, I could literally have a dinner with clients and close additional business.
Think about this, friends, mamas, what could you do with six hours of your time? Even if in those six hours what you do is rest, is 40 not worth that time? Is 50 not worth that time? Even if what you’re saying is I am so behind on this laundry that it has become a weight on me. That I, it is a stressor.

Gathering it all up and taking it to the wash and fold so that task is completed. What would happen to your brain if you had the mental space of knowing that time was now yours back? What would that do for you? I have to tell you that that’s what I think of when I think of value. I recognize that a dollar is a dollar is a dollar, and when you have car payments, gas, milk, food, kids, a hundred dollars is nothing to sneeze at.

I know what it is like to wait for that check to hit direct deposit at 7 p. m. and know that, you know, that overdraft is going to be solved and you can still use your card before that other fee hits. I know what that’s like, but I also know what it’s like to say this money was worth It was worth my peace.

It was worth my ease. It was worth it. Recently, I’ve had to cut a lot of checks. Y’all know divorces are expensive, okay? There is no divorce that ain’t gonna cost you a coin, right? Because lawyers are not cheap, right? The process is not cheap.
Time off of work isn’t cheap. Managing two households isn’t inexpensive. But understand that nobody engages in any process whether it’s building a business, getting a divorce, getting married, buying a home. Homes are expensive aside from all the mortgage and stuff cost, the maintenance. We all know but it’s an awareness of the value that it’s gonna be worth it.

So what I want to challenge you for, what I want to encourage you to do this upcoming week as you are feeling the pinch in the economy, as you are examining the value around every dollar you spend, is really look at it and say, Could it be worth paying to get my mental freedom back, my peace of mind, my time?

Is it possible that if I hand it off this task, something as simple as getting my laundry done for me, because maybe I can’t have a full team come in, but having the cleaners come one time for a hundred and fifty dollars is a game changer for me. There are online booking services that will come in and they’ll come just one time do a deep clean and the piece you will get will change your life.

Maybe you’ll work more efficiently. Maybe you’ll get that job. Maybe you’ll eat better for the entire week and you’ll have more energy. Whatever it is, it’s gonna be worth it. And that’s where the real value is. It’s in taking care of yourself and building for a better tomorrow.

In this episode, we chat about:
  • The internal and external changes I made with my money mindset in this economy,
  • Why you’ll find me cooking for hours every Sunday,
  • What I’ve taught my girls in relation to value-based financial decisions, and
  • How to decide what is worth it and what IS NOT
Resources and links mentioned in this episode:
  • Let’s connect on Instagram HERE
  • Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
  • Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
  • Myesha Chaney went through a public divorce and came out thriving! Don’t miss our chat – listen here or watch here
  • I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!
 More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.