Nicole Walters, Author at Nicole Walters

He Changed My Life

by Nicole Walters | May 3, 2024

He Changed My Life

I have a story for you today friend; one about an educator and how he changed my life 21 years ago. It’s in this chat that we’re shining a spotlight on some unsung heroes – our educators.

From late and long hours to supplying our students with the things they need to succeed, our educators fill the gaps without being asked.

As Teacher Appreciation Week approaches, I was encouraged to send a note to a teacher that made a difference in my life 21 years ago. In this chat I am sharing that story and what happened after I sent that note.

This is the perfect time for us to show up for our educators. We’re working with The National Education Association this Teacher Appreciation Week. You can join in by sharing a story about an incredible educator in your life. Just go to NEA.org/TAWstory to submit your own!

Thanks for being here today friend and THANK YOU to all of our educators! We support, love, and appreciate you!

Transcript

Nicole:

Hey, hey, hey, it’s your virtual bestie, Nicole Walters, and we are here with another couch chat. Now, friends, what is so great about our times together is that we get to keep it real and we tackle topics that matter. But today I want to shine a spotlight on some unsung heroes. Our educators, those amazing individuals that are shaping our little one’s future one lesson at a time.

So friend, picture this. We’ve all been in those classrooms that are just bustling with energy, filled with eager young minds that are ready to learn. But of course, We want to remember who’s at the front of that class. That’s right. It’s our educators pouring their hearts and souls into nurturing the next generation.

And of course, it’s not just our teachers at the front of the classroom. So when you walk in and you’ve got the crossing guard, or you, you head to the front office and that administrative professional, That we all know has been there for what like 30 plus years. They know where everything is from fixing the copy machine to making sure we’re signing out our kiddos correctly and remembering their birthdays.

I mean all of these wonderful people play a valuable role in making sure our kids are safe, secure, and well. But let’s also talk about this. Let’s talk about the big elephant in the room. There’s hard work and sacrifices that our educators are making every single day from early mornings to late nights.

These champions are putting in the hours to ensure that our children have the tools that they need to succeed. And if you’ve kept up with me online, you already know that I run this clear the list campaign for years where teachers will send me a list from Amazon with the supplies they need for their classroom because some of you may not know this but a lot of our public school educators are coming out of pocket of their already way too small salaries to make sure that our kids have everything they need from snacks to supplies to even soap for those kids who are in school systems where they’re struggling to make sure that their clothing is clean every day.

And the clear the list campaign allows me and you to help out some of these teachers serve their kids better. So You understand that our teachers are coming out of pocket to make sure that our children have no gaps in their lives and their learning. And it’s so important that we don’t forget about the sacrifices they make.

And I love having this conversation here with all of us because so many of you are teachers yourselves. And some of you are educators or social service workers and we’ve got mothers and daughters and fathers or we’ve been raised by teachers. What’s beautiful is that every single one of us has been influenced, supported, loved, or impacted by an educator and we don’t want to forget about everything they’ve done.

Sometimes they put their own needs or show up just a little bit later to their own babies at home just for the sake of their students and for people like us. Now, why do they do it? What drives these amazing individuals to keep pushing forward despite the challenges, right? We all know, just like many of us who work corporate jobs or are entrepreneurs, it’s not the paycheck.

We know it’s not the summertime break because they’re spending that time writing out content, grading papers, building things out. It isn’t that y’all. It’s actually really simple. It’s a passion for service. Educators choose this profession because they have a burning desire to make a difference, to leave a lasting impact on the world.

And let me tell you, the impact that they’re making is nothing short of extraordinary. Educators are not just teaching math and science. They’re instilling our values. They’re fostering creativity. They’re empowering our children to become the leaders of tomorrow. I want to share a story with you of how an educator impacted my life and how things have come full circle just as recently as last week.

And you may be wondering why I’m choosing to really highlight and lean into loving on our educators. And it’s because It’s almost teacher appreciation week. That’s right. In case you didn’t know, teachers are underappreciated, undervalued, and it is up for us when teacher appreciation week rolls around every year to fill in the gap.

Do you know that when educators were surveyed and asked what would be the most meaningful gift they could receive from teachers and parents and people that are near them? What would be just transformative for them? It wasn’t money. It wasn’t an increase. It wasn’t features or vacations or anything cool like that.

It was a meaningful note of appreciation. So that’s why I’m taking the time to do this, because that’s all our educators want, and that’s just to be seen for all that they do. So I wanna talk to you about an educator in particular. That means so, so much to me. Now, if you don’t know. If you didn’t read my memoir, I attended the Johns Hopkins University for college back in the early 2000s.

Now, no one’s asking you to do math here, but it was a long while ago. And when I was in college, you know, you hear these great stories of people having incredible college experiences and, you know, meeting all their friends and their spouses and knocking it out of the park and having a blast. And y’all, college just was not that for me. I mean, you can look at every movie on TV and see these crazy experiences and funny stories and that’s what I thought it would be. But it was just not that. When I got to college, I want to tell you, I was poorly prepared. I was just not ready. College for me was challenging and there are a lot of reasons why.

You know, the biggest one would be that I was not financially prepared to take on everything that comes with not just college as a concept, but adulthood. Carrying both the load of growing up with poverty and parents that don’t have the experience or knowledge around the classic American educational system as well as being a marginalized person a minority You know at the Johns Hopkins University and and then entering the academic rigor of that sort of school I mean the combination of it was a perfect storm of very very difficult for me and I was blessed to have a full scholarship, but plot twist Spoiler alert, a full scholarship doesn’t mean you’re going to be able to afford 400 in textbooks or the cost of living if there isn’t housing for like your junior senior year and you now have to engage a regular apartment systems or let’s just be honest y’all, I was 21 years old and I’ve got a 21 year old and a 24 year old now and when I tell you, I could use that extra money to cover all the mistakes I was going to make. You know what I’m talking about. That flat tire, forgetting to pay a bill, or having an extra fee tacked on. Mama, sisters, friends, you know what I’m talking about. I just was not prepared to take it all on as a kid from 18 to 21.

And what that translated to at a time where I just really needed to focus on my academic education. I was just burdened and cumbered with having to work a full time job also. And it was just so difficult. And of course, if you tack that on that while I was there, my father was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and I had a young sister who was, you know, I was standing in the gap of helping support her during her high school education and just providing support all around.

It was just really taxing. And I know my story is not unique and I know it’s not, um, any different than the different things that we all had to carry. But Needless to say, it wasn’t long before I ended up in the academic advising office of Hopkins. And when I went there, I was assigned to my academic advisor, who also happened to be the dean of academic advising, Dean John Bader.

And I use his name because, uh, it all comes full circle, you know, but Dean Bader was probably the most opposite of who I am, at least when it comes to paper, you know, Dean Bader was I should say, Dean Bader was an incredible man. He was super accomplished. I mean, he went to Yale and he has every degree under the sun.

He’s a Fulbright scholar. He was, you know, a coach consultant for Rhodes Scholars. He’s a professional singer. I think he speaks a couple languages. I mean, dean Bader truly is one of those exceptional people that just took to academia and showed up in the world with excellence.

So like, I mean, I’m talking to this guy who’s really, really smart. That’s how I can describe it. I remember sitting in his office and seeing all these degrees on the wall and all I could think was, gosh, this guy’s got it figured out, but here I was struggling to get through macroeconomics and thinking gosh if this is what it looks like to thrive here then Holy smokes.

I couldn’t feel further away and What was interesting though, you know walking into that environment having those thoughts but then I was met with this this man who was so compassionate and just being really transparent y’all cuz You know, I know we’ve gone through a lot of reconciliation in our society as we’ve tried to really understand each other’s existences a lot better, you know.

whether it is being from a different racial background or having different disabilities or, you know, not being neurotypical, you know, I can say that Dean Bader could not have been more opposite than me. But when I sat down, I was met with a man who, because he’d chosen a life of service and a life of compassion and to be an educator in all ways, shapes and forms, was bending over backwards to try to make sure that he could truly understand me and the college experience I was having.

So walking into his office, And sitting down and explaining that I was on academic probation, I was just like, Ugh! It was a mandatory meeting because you know I just bombed so many of my classes that semester. I really needed to coordinate and figure out what my game plan was going to be so I could thrive at Hopkins.

And what people don’t know is when you’re showing up to class every day as a student, don’t necessarily know what you’re carrying, you know, teachers, uh, they’re focused on that essay and those assignments. And, you know, that is the one thing they can know, unless they dig a little deeper, but so they may not know if you had a tough day with a parent or a difficult diagnosis, or you’re facing health challenges.

And that’s the point of academic advising is that you get to go in and provide that color, you know, behind what you’ve been showing in the classroom and what your grades may reflect and you just hope that you’re met with understanding and I couldn’t have been a luckier girl because I walked into a compassionate and empathetic space with Dean Bader’s office.

And I explained to him that I was dealing with imposter syndrome. I mean, I’m at this amazing school and how the heck did I even get here? Did I really deserve it? And I was so different from everyone around me and the fear and the anxiety that I was facing. And could I carry this load and support my family?

And I’m also sharing with him how important it is for me to be successful because I had a family that, you know, We’re immigrants and they’d never carried a college degree and I was first generation and the expectations were very, very high. And I also shared with him that very early on I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer and if you’re from one of those old school southern backgrounds or you know what it’s like to grow up first generation with parents who had high expectations because they didn’t get some of our opportunities, you know that my parents were big on the whole you need to become a doctor and you need to become a lawyer and I get it because my dad was a cab driver, you know, and my mom was a secretary at a boating insurance company.

And they just wanted to make sure that I would be okay. And okay looked like an office. And it looked like a paycheck every two weeks. And it looked like benefits. And that was why they came to America. And so, you know, as I shared all of this with Dean Bader, I just remember how warm and how compassionate he was and again, being transparent, I shared a lot of this through major tears and a lot of fear and anxiety about could I carry all this and would he even get it and Long story short, I couldn’t, you know, I struggled at Hopkins and I ended up having many, many more meetings with Dean Bader and each time he came to the table with a different solution, you know, let’s get you into therapy.

There’s some resources here at Hopkins and you know, maybe you can help with some of that mental load and he supported me with resources and with tutoring. I mean he truly reached into his bag of everything, but the biggest support that Dean Bader gave me was hearing and seeing me where I was and As who I was and he actually said something to me that I’ll never forget that I really want to highlight because it was so So special and it was transformative I’ll never forget the moment that I came into dean bader’s office after months and years of struggling And when I came into his office the thing that I shared with him is that i’d finally gotten to the point Where I wasn’t entirely sure if it even made sense for me to be here I was tired of running the rat race to try to fit in try to make it work make my parents proud and I think somewhere deep inside, I knew I was smart and I knew I was capable, but it was just the pressure.

I felt like I was tired of running in circles and I was tired of pleading my case. And Dean Bader looked at me and the things he said to me were transformative. He changed the course of my life. Dean Bader said, Nicole, I want you to know that you don’t need a degree to be successful. I want you to know that while getting a degree from Hopkins will change your life and you are capable of getting one.

There’s so much you can do with a valuable, wonderful education, but I also want you to know that this doesn’t define everything and all that you are. I want you to know you have so many gifts, particularly around language or sales, because you keep coming in here and selling me on how you think this thing can work, and I want you to know that you can lean into those gifts and no matter what, you’ll be just awesome. And I want you to know friend that 21 year old me did not believe him I did not believe him at all. I didn’t believe him then at all I don’t even know if I understood completely or I have the ability to understand completely But I do understand the impact of what Dean Bader said to me Now, and I want to let you know that recently I sent an email to Dean Bader, 21 years after that important, important conversation and it was actually because I was inspired by Teacher Appreciation Week.

It was because I really wanted him to know full circle where I am and I want to share that with you. So, this is what I said to him. Dean Bader, it’s been about 15 or 20 years since I’ve attended Hopkins and I’m not sure if you’ll remember me, but I wanted to reach out to you for the past few years just to say thank you.

Hopkins was a difficult experience for me. Despite being smart and capable and willing, I struggled. My desire for success resulted in semester after semester of academic difficulties. And I probably felt like I spent more time in your office and pleading my case that I did in an actual classroom. And that said, during this time, Dean Bader, You were so kind.

You extended so much grace. And at one point you even told me, I don’t need a degree to be successful because I have so many gifts and I didn’t believe or understand you then, but I do now. And I wanted to let you know that I entered the corporate world and I soared. I did so well working in insurance and I found myself thriving using my gifts.

And after 10 plus years as a successful corporate employee, I quit my job. And I became a consultant for entrepreneurs and I raised three girls ages three, 11 and 14 that I met in Baltimore, not too far away from Hopkins, but I was just 28 and I want you to know Dean Bader, That you were right the whole time and your words continue to echo in my ears and in my heart.

In the past 10 years since that time, I’ve had a hit TV show, become a world class speaker and podcaster. I’ve written a New York Times bestseller and I’ve been nominated for an NAACP image award and now a daytime Emmy. And on a professional level, I run a multi million dollar consultancy that also changes lives.

And that most importantly, my three now daughters are thriving also. Dean Bader, I wanted to thank you for all the effort you put into me and to let you know it wasn’t wasted. For giving me so many chances to make Hopkins work and for telling me the truth about what is possible. If I just stopped resisting and leaned into my gifts, Dean Bader, you changed my life.

I’d love to send you a copy of my book. And if there’s an address, let me know. But if you don’t want to share your address, that’s okay. Because all that matters to me is I just hope that you know how good of a person you are and how much you’ve impacted the world. Your legacy lives on. Thank you, Nicole Walters, class of 2007.

So friends, I don’t know if you have that teacher, that educator that stands out in your mind, but sometimes you send out this message and you never know what’s going to happen. You send it out hoping it’ll reach the right place. And you know, it’s been so, so long that I sent it out with the best of intentions.

And you can imagine my surprise when I got a response. Dean Bader responded after 21 years. I’m excited to share that response with you. And I’m sorry, I’m getting a little teary about it because he’s just such a good man and

Dear Nicole, what a delight, a wonder, and surprise to hear from you after so many years. Yes, of course, I remember our many conversations and the challenges you faced. I am moved by your gratitude for the small role I played in keeping you moving forward. But so much of that is a testament to your perseverance and gifts.

Still, your words mean a lot to me, especially as I look back on that time helping students as a joyous and fulfilling time in my career. It is very exciting to learn about your many successes appropriately powered by your work and your struggles. It reminds me of Newton’s third law. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

You’ve leveraged your story into a force for good affecting many people and that is a blessing and a marvel and frankly a relief to me. Congratulations on many happinesses including your family. You’re more than welcome to mail me a copy of your book, but if you’re in the area, perhaps we could have lunch and catch up.

You can hand me a copy then. I look forward to staying in touch and I hope to see you soon. Warmly, John.

Ah,

friends. I just want you to know that educators play such a major role in our life to all the educators out there listening, I want you to know that you’re seen, you’re appreciated, and you’re changing lives in ways you may never fully realize. But it is absolutely happening.

Please keep showing up. Keep pouring words into these young minds because you’re shaping the future of our world and to the parents and the grandparents and the guardians that are tuning in, I want to challenge you to show your appreciation for our educators, whether it’s a simple thank you or a well placed note, or volunteering your time to support their efforts. Every gesture counts. I take in wipes to my kiddos teachers classrooms and I help bring them extra books and I bring in Kleenex during cold and flu seas. I’m telling you it is all so appreciated because at the end of the day We’re all in this together.

It takes a village to raise a child and educators are a crucial part of that village. So let’s rally together. Let’s lift each other up and let’s continue to champion the importance of education by shaping a brighter future for all. And because coming up and every year we have Teacher Appreciation Week.

Let’s just make sure our public school educators know how much we support, respect, and admire them. Despite the funding challenges, and the politically motivated attacks, and the bad days, and the tough, tough times. Educators still show up for their students, no matter what they look like. Or the barriers that they face, so they can reach their full potential.

So now it’s our time to show up for them. To help celebrate Teacher Appreciation Week, and show our public school educators just how much we admire them. I want you to know that you can help by adding your story of Extraordinary Educators.

We know our voices are stronger together. So share and amplify stories of Extraordinary Educators in our lives to give their best to their students, even when faced with challenges and hardships. Your story will show our leaders how much we value our public schools and how critical it is that educators receive the resources and support that they deserve from our community leaders and our policy makers.

So friends, I would love for each of us to share a story about an incredible educator this Teacher Appreciation Week. You can actually learn more about this at N E A dot org slash T A W story. That’s N E A dot org slash T A W story to share an incredible story about an amazing educator during Teacher Appreciation Week.

Friends, we have to look out for each other and most of all, be safe. We have to protect the sweet souls that love, raise, and teach our littles. Let’s do it together. Head over to nea. org slash T A W story to elevate your educator today. Thank you, all of you.

In this episode, we chat about:

Why educators do what they do,
The educator that changed my life 21 years ago,
How teachers can make such an impact, and
Why it’s the perfect time to honor an educator in your life

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

Shoutout an extraordinary educator in your life HERE!
Let’s connect over on Instagram and Facebook!
Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
We’re bringing a new topic into our chats BUT we need to be on the same page first. Listen here or watch here
I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Pick a side!

by Nicole Walters | Apr 21, 2024

Pick a Side!

Friend, we are talking about a topic that we haven’t chatted about before on the show. Before we do, we need to be on the same page on how we approach this topic. Am I going to make you pick a side? Well, maybe not!

Hit play so we can chat about the upcoming U.S. election and how we’ll be talking about politics more in the future.

I know you’ll be open to having this conversation with a ton of grace and good questions. Thanks for being here!

Nicole:

Hey, y’all. So I want to dive in. I wanted to talk about this election season now. Let’s just pause for a sec. I know so many of you are like, Nicole, what? We hang out here to talk about mom life, business, all these other things. We don’t really do the politics thing. Now, I want to talk about it because one, if you remember at the top of the season, I said that I was going to dive deep in it.

Talking about things that not just really matter but that are like honestly in front of us that we have to talk about But I also want to let you know that one poli sci major in college. I grew up in DC You know, I am a politics girl. Like I love it. It is something I care about I have studied the history of it Like it’s not it’s not something that for me is casual, right?

Like I actually really do love it, right? And when I say love it, I mean like the nuances and the ins and outs of the government, it’s workings, right? This is not party based. It’s just simply the structure of how things work, right? That’s the first thing. And then the second thing is, I really want to start speaking out more about things that I know I’m gifted to speak out on.

And what do I mean by that? I mean that I know it may be a tough topic because it has become taken and used and misused in order to control our behavior in so many different ways. And I just want to give a little bit more power back to you by recalibrating, by taking some of what you’re hearing, maybe cutting out a little bit of the noise of it, if you will, and giving it to you unadulterated, you know, so when I pull some of the topics, you may not get pop culture from me.

There are some things that I’ll talk about if I think it’s relevant, but we’re going into a heavy political season, and they’re going to be things that I see. And I just want to make sure that you also know that as your friend, I’m always going to come to you and talk to you about these things from the most grace filled, most honest and balanced, most matter of fact, sort of way, because there just aren’t enough spaces like that.

I just, I just want to let you know, there just aren’t enough spaces like that. And it is one of my jams. That is something I am able to do. So first thing I want you to know is I have a membership community that I’ve had for over 10 years. Some of you may not know about this. It is an incredible group of over a thousand people, and we have been in the business trenches for gosh, eight years now, nine years.

And in this community. We talk about politics, and I want you to know that in this community, we have every single range of representation. We have LGBTQIA, we’ve got, um, moms, we’ve got single moms, we’ve got, you know, every single ethnic, racial group. We’ve got every single religious background and group. I mean, when I tell you our space, oh, we’ve got Southern moms and Northern moms and West Coast people.

And we’ve got people who just identify as liberal. We have people who are agnostic. Like when I say truly, it is a slice of the American pie. It is a slice of life in our community. But the thing that we share is a common core value is that we are all people who truly care about the goodness of the world.

And that’s kind of the tone that I want to, to set for this conversation and any other time that I bring up politics. So in the future, I’ll just do a little reminder saying, hey, you remember who we are, remember how we want to show up, so that that way we can kind of just get into it. But I just want to kind of let you guys hear now, everything in that community is also a reflection of what’s here.

We are able to talk about politics in that room without going at each other’s necks. We are able to talk about politics in that room and have different opinions or thoughts without going at each other’s necks. And we’re also able to do that here. I want you to understand, friend, that we are actually able to listen to opinions or thoughts or facts that may be a little uncomfortable for us, or a little different from what we expected, or that may be a new thought that causes our brain to kind of noodle things differently and be okay.

We also possess the autonomy and ability to step out of something that makes us uncomfortable. And I want you to know that you also possess that here. That if at any point in time you’re like, Nicole, I am just, like, listen, privately, right? I’m not ready to hear about that sort of thing. Like, it just, I’m not saying you’re wrong if you mention something about this sort of political, you know, plight or something that might be affecting the black community or something that might be affecting a, um, a perspective that might be held by people who are lighter-brighters or Caucasian, you know, that, may have a thought processing that, you know, this is really what we think, you know, and we may feel it this way, you know, but this is what it means, right?

And if it feels weird for you, you’re allowed to step out of it. You’re allowed to step out and then, and come back to it. Listen, that’s what you do when you’re working out. If the, if the reps get too long, take a minute, take a breather, but get back in the game, right? Get back in the game. And I say all of this to let you know that there’s also grace, so much grace.

Every single thing I will talk to you about here is grace. filled and loaded with grace because we are all learning and feeling and coming to our values from our own experiences. So if you are a mama in Ohio who lives in a small town and there are no brown people there, it is is naturally going to be harder for you to understand the lived experiences of a black immigrant, you know, living in New York City.

You don’t know any of those people. That’s not part of your world. And it is harder for you to understand those experiences, right? So I have grace for the existence and circumstances you are in around your exposure to those learning opportunities. However, and this is a big however, even within that grace, it doesn’t absolve us, which means it doesn’t remove us from the responsibility to try to learn and acknowledge that people who live somewhere else and are different from us may have different thoughts, experiences, values, and perspectives around issues.

Does that make sense? Kind of like if you are raising a child, right? Like so when we give birth to our children, we hope and pray that they’re happy, healthy, that they don’t run into any difficulties in life, and that they’re able to approach life with all the benefits and perks that will make their life easy for them.

That is every mama parent’s dream, right? However, you may have a kid who learns differently. Or you may have a kid who is neurodiverse and requires additional support in order to be their fullest selves. You may have a child that, um, has a physical change, you know, that means that they just have to approach the world a little differently and the world should adjust to meet them in that moment.

Whatever it is, you didn’t anticipate that going into parenting. But you adjusted and then you proceed to inform and learn yourself so you can best help your child have the fullest life. That is the same thing we need to afford to each other. So when talking about politics, when we talk about, you know, anything around difficulties with racism or around classism or around any of those things that can feel like really tough topics to Talk about in a way that doesn’t make us either feel like trash or trigger our emotions.

I just want to let you know, we can have those conversations here. Walk away maybe feeling challenged or a little bit like, man, I had to grin and bear it. That was tough. I heard some stuff that I don’t, I don’t really know if I 100 percent agree with, but know that It doesn’t mean that we’re bad people.

It just means that we may have been exposed to something new and that we have room to learn. Right. So with that said, I want to talk to you about politics today and that we’re going into an election season. And you’ve probably already noticed things are taking up. So when I say they’re kicking up, you’re seeing more news about the Republican party efforts in order to get their candidates elected, um, across the board.

And you’re seeing more news around the Democratic party. Thank you. And they’re, job getting. people elected within their party as well. And I say all this to say, I have my own political views. I have my own perspectives, but I really want to talk about it in kind of a neutralized way.

just because I think it’s really important to understand what is happening so that that way we can apply that first and then go into the value part. So when I say what is happening, I’m telling you things that would happen doesn’t matter which party it is. So before an election season, you will always see parties trying to follow through on their biggest Political claims doesn’t matter who it is.

It could be liberal. It could be conservative. Doesn’t matter You will see new laws going through you will see bigger benefits being promised You will see things like student loans canceled and tax cuts and tax benefits and perks You will see galas and dinners and fundraisers. You will see more ads and more You know, muck throwing, you know, and, and that is all part of the process.

So I want to let you know that if you’re feeling like, gosh, it seems like one side over the other side is being meaner or saying more ridiculous things, or suddenly I’m seeing more beneficial programs coming through, or I’m seeing more promises being made. I want to let you know, do not be confused or sucked into thinking that that is based on a political party.

It is not. It is solely based on the season we are in. These are all people who are trying to get votes, and we are coming up on November, and they want your votes. They’re going to do whatever is required to get them. The answer is the same for both parties. Furthermore, I want to talk to you about the issues and that’s going to be the main focus for today.

As you are going into this election season, you are going to hear lots of issues coming to light. Issues like abortion, issues like immigration, issues like taxes, issues like inflation. All of these words, I know when I said them, made you feel a feeling, whether we like it or not. Right? Because We’re using our own lived experiences.

We have a reaction to these things. So when I said abortion, some of you may have felt like, Oh, like I just, Get your hands off my body. Like, I’m so tired of it. Right? And some of you might have felt like, Yes, we need to keep making progress towards making sure that this is banned. Right? Like, you may have, depending on how you feel.

Some of you might have been in the middle. You know? Which is, I think, a thing that we don’t talk enough about. Where some are like, yeah, you know, I like seeing some of these things happen, but I feel like this is too far. Right? Either way, you’re going to see both parties, liberal and conservative, talking around these sorts of things in specific ways and trying to advance policies to make it look like they’re doing something that will make you create a feeling.

And so, Here’s the thing I want to tell you, and this is really important as you get onto the internet and you start getting all these things marketed to you and you start having conversations like the one I’m having now and I am prepping you well in advance of the holiday season, right?

As you start going into these conversations, I want you to know That each party’s primary job is to divide you so you stand with them. That is not a one sided thing. So you will hear a liberal, you know, audience saying like they’re just being divisive and you’ll hear a conservative audience saying they’re just being divisive.

And I want you to know that both parties are divisive because you only have one vote. So, I need you to be divided where you stand clearly with me and not with the other. And the best way to get people to be divisive is to make them feel like things are black and white.

And I want you to understand that that is standard politics.

It helps to convince people that there are sides because they need you to stand on one of them. And I want to tell you the truth going into this because I think it’ll really affect your mindset during this process. cause if you’re anything like me, this season can be exhausting.

Having people on Facebook in the comments, going in people on Instagram with all the hate people, just Going in and in and in and in and in on on just negativity and it just can feel like so Personal and if anything sometimes you become shocked looking at friends and family and saying how could you believe that?

How could you think that’s true, especially for those of you who may be in interfaith interracial Interbelief families, you know and saying to yourself I cannot believe that this side of you exists and that you came to these beliefs, right? so I just want to let you know we’re going to start seeing more of that again, because that’s how politics works, particularly around presidential elections.

And I want you to know that whenever someone says all of this, none of this is true. So let me give you some examples on hot button political issues. Gun reform. When people hear gun reform, it feels like, you know, on one side, it’s like, oh, here we go. They’re trying to take our guns and it’s my American right.

On the other side, it’s, oh my gosh, how could anybody want guns? There’s no point. They’re weapons to kill. I want to let you know that the truth actually lies in the middle. And this is a statistical fact, right? Statistical fact. Most Americans are actually okay with gun ownership. It’s just that they’re not okay with the ownership of assault rifles.

And most Americans, when I say most, I want to say the number, I don’t, I’m, this is me making up a number, so I’m going to call out that I’m making up one, but I think it’s roughly in the range, but you can Google it very, very quickly. I think the number is like 90%, or, or high 80s. That, and when I say I’m making it up, I mean I’m not far off, right?

It’s not like I’m, it’s not like the number is actually 10%, right? But I think it’s like 80 or 90 percent of Americans all agree on a, um, restriction or ban on assault rifles. Because they don’t believe that anybody needs to have the same tool that is used in wartime situations in their home. The tool itself isn’t, the, the tool of war, an assault rifle, um, is not use, and that’s like, when I say assault rifle, for those of y’all who are not, like, up on guns, it’s the one that shoots, like, a bajillion bullets at one time and all the bullets can, like, explode through walls and, like, and it’s, it’s, basically you can’t even use it for hunting because it would kill all your game.

Hmm? You know, like you, you would like blow up your stuff like it’s not used for hunting. It isn’t used for personal defense because it’s too difficult to use and it fires too many rounds at one and it’s also very big. Um, it’s not used for personal like home protection. It’s just, it doesn’t really serve a purpose outside of people who want to go take it out to ranges and just shoot it like as a hobby.

Like, those ranges could possibly even keep them in stock if you just wanted to check them out and shoot them, right? Because that’s literally how ineffective they are for the things that people typically want to have guns for. So, I say all this to let you know, and this is just, that’s just a general statement about the gun.

But I say all of this to say that Most Americans believe that that isn’t something you just need to keep in your home, and we also have data that supports that having them released in America in the masses actually has, um, I don’t even know if I if it’s fair for me to say contributed because I don’t actually know the statistical data around the contribution That may just be my opinion and I always want to be fair and balanced in that way But we do have data that most mass shootings that have occurred have involved an assault rifle, and I know that part.

So, I say all this to let you know that the point of that is, during an election season, you’re going to hear people say, Well, if you vote for those guys, they’re going to take our guns. And you’re going to hear people on the other side say, Well, if you vote for those guys, they’re going to say that guns are okay and they’re going to be in everybody’s home.

and to make us stand on one side of the other. But the truth is, most of us feel like, look, it’s okay if you have your personal weapon, but we really want some of these like bigger, more dangerous guns, you know, to not be readily available to just anybody to have in their home, because duh, what’s the point?

And I use this as an example to say that most of us are right in the middle. And when I tell you, as somebody who naturally is, uh, you aims to be grace inclined when I hear challenges. And I tell you when I say aim to be grace inclined, it doesn’t mean that I don’t get angry. It doesn’t mean that I’m not clear cut that racism is bad.

It’s not that I’m not clear cut that there are systemic racist systems that have oppressed marginalized people for years. I’m very clear cut on those things, right? You know, but I recognize that getting to solutions is the thing that parties try to capitalize on to win your vote.

So in this season, when you start hearing this information, whenever you hear someone saying this is like the easiest way to do it, you know, to kind of shape your thinking as you’re taking in political content, if someone comes to you and the answer sounds too clear cut, too black and white, You have to say to yourself, this sounds too easy, right?

Or too black and white, like, all this or all that. If it’s all this or all that, I guarantee you that that’s not a solution that’s actually going to move forward. And they’re just distracting you because they think it sounds good to you. So if someone’s like, oh yeah, what we need is a total, clear cut, outright ban on abortion nationwide, it can never happen and it can never be allowed.

Well, if you’re someone who really believes in that, who is very, very pro life, that sounds Fantastic, right? It’s like, that’s exactly what I want, right? However, the problem with that is, there’s no way on this planet you will get total and complete compliance with that law, even if you make penalties of death, even if you make fines.

You will not get every single person in America to agree to that. That just does not, that’s just not how the world works. We can all barely get all of our kids to agree to what’s for dinner. Am I right? Mamas like we, like there is a battle in our own home, right? So if we know that we have to say to ourselves, if someone is selling us on that idea, is that something they can even deliver?

Because they are playing to our emotions by making it seem like that’s something they can deliver. When in reality, someone who is speaking to a plan and a solution, that is graduated, meaning maybe we’ll start here, and then we’ll do a little of this, and then we’ll do this with our ultimate goal to reach something that looks like this.

is far more realistic. Banning all guns, never gonna happen. Guns are in homes, they’re off the record, gangs have them, they get smuggled into the country, y’all, all guns are never gonna get banned. That’s not a thing. But getting into a place where we’re able to say let’s get, assault rifles out of the hands of people who shouldn’t have them and maybe out of homes in general because we don’t need those, that’s a little more reasonable, right?

And so I want you to know going into political, into this political season, that it’s going to be really important for you to listen out for that because that sort of divisive language is actually the problem. It is actually the problem. Now, in terms of our personal responsibility with that knowledge, so one of the things that I’ve always tried to take very seriously is that I really really try to understand where people are coming from when they say what they say.

So what does that mean? If I’m sitting across from someone who says, well, I am extremely pro life and I 100 percent believe that I am not okay with any form of abortion whatsoever and in any circumstances whatsoever. Now to me, right, and I’ll just say this outright because, you know, I know that this is a complex issue, but I have my values on it.

I absolutely I’m pro choice, and I know that that can be difficult for some people to hear, maybe even surprising because as a Christian, you know, a lot of people identify Christianity directly with being pro life, and I’ll let you know why I’m pro choice, and you know, and again, I’ll let you know why that is, and I don’t want that thought to make you think that it influences my ability to understand and hear the perspectives of those that are pro life and really.

identify with some of their thoughts, but here’s why I’m pro choice. And this, the reason why I’m pro choice is because I distinctly and entirely do not want the government to have any say over any aspects of my reproduction. Lean in and hear what I’m saying on this. It’s not just because I feel like I need to have the right to be able to, to terminate a pregnancy if it is unwanted, unsafe, um, unviable.

It’s not that. It’s also because I do not want to open the door to the government saying you are too, uh, you don’t meet the financial requirements to have children. So we’re going to mandate that you stay on birth control. Because we control all aspects of reproduction. You are too old to have a child, so we are not encouraging that.

And so we will not fund through health insurance, if I’m on a government thing, anything related to fertility. We will not, um, fund any, any, like, do you understand what I’m getting at? Like, when you open up the door, If I want to have 15 children, I want to be able to have my 15 children. And if I open up the door to the government being able to put any stipulations around whether or not I can or cannot have a child, then it can run the risk of crossing into territory that we’ve never thought of.

A simple example would be this IVF situation. You know, as the government had made, progressive moves towards, identifying when life conceives, one of the things that got caught up in that is, The embryo situation and saying that if you’re going through IVF, you know, and IVF is considered an embryo and, you know, it was just this whole complex thing that ended up resulting in IVF having to stop entirely and I want to say it was Alabama.

Making up, I might be making up the state, you know, but um, basically it was, it might have been Mississippi, because Mississippi has some of the most, um, restrictive laws regarding that, but in any case, uh, it ended up putting a halt on IVF. And the reason why they put a halt on it was because they couldn’t determine if something were to happen by accident to one of these embryos, you know, could they be on the hook for potentially murder?

Because if it’s considered a life, you know, Because it’s been created. Does this, does this have rights? Do I need to pay child support? Like, there were just so many questions, you know, that came into play and, um, and they had to reevaluate, you know, sort of that statement because again, we’re going into areas that created complexity.

So if you’re wondering why I’m pro choice, it’s that, right? Um, that amongst other things. other things for sure. But I just categorically do not want anyone ever telling me what I can do around my babies. Um, because I want to be able to have lots of babies. I want to be able to do what’s right to make sure I can have lots of babies.

So if I have a medical situation that says that I must terminate in order to be able to have 10 more babies, then I want to be able to have the right to do that. And I also want women to be able to make that choice with their doctor and all those details and not have to run it up the chain to, any other organization that may not have all that information in an urgent situation.

Like, there’s just lots of reasons why I don’t want to talk about my body with, um, the government. So, that is why. That’s an issue that I can say pretty categorically how I feel about it. But it also is really important to understand that It’s complex, and most of us live in the gray, you know, most of us politically are purple, you know, like there are some areas where we really feel strongly, and there are other areas where we don’t feel so strongly, I, I saw a video the other day of a woman who was being interviewed, and she said, you know, they were like, is there anything that you like about it?

She identified as a conservative and she was like, is there anything you like about the liberal party? And her statement was, yeah, I really like how accepting they are of love and how they’re willing to let people get married no matter who they love and how they’re so encouraging of that. And, you know, she was going on and on about that, but understanding that it is a core conservative, ideal, you know, within the party around marital rights, you know, and who has the right to marry and who shouldn’t and what makes a marriage and what parties are involved in that.

And, and so it’s just very interesting to hear someone, and I say this, you know, not speaking to that issue, you know, but in saying very clearly, you know, it’s interesting to see that as time has gone on, so many of us have evolved because I think that we’re starting to have more shared experiences. And with the advent of the internet and the expansion of TV and streaming, we’re starting to see more stories and we have a natural heart and compassion around different scenarios and it’s rounding out our experiences.

And I want you to know that If you are finding yourself to be a person who stands more in the gray, who identifies more in the purple, that that is allowed. And I want you to, to have that and not feel like you have to be as polarized as the world may desire. Because polarization is what’s required to keep us de unified so that we can be used for specific purposes.

So, I want you to know that as you’re looking to parties, and as you’re listening to things, I want you to really explore what is being said around solutions, because this year you’re going to have lots of people who are offering, well, we did this, we paid off all your student loans, or people saying we’re going to do all this with the immigrants, you know, you’re going to hear lots of things from every side, and I just want you to start asking yourself, well, what is the solution?

Not just, hey, that check mark sounds good. And once you start diving into the solution, you may find that the solutions may not suit you. And if that’s the case, keep looking for a solution that does and vote that way. Vote that way. Vote policies and not parties. Because at the end of the day, that is actually what’s going to lead you to a process that’s going to be effective for our kids in the future.

I want you to know that one of my really good friends, Sharon McMahon of Sharon Says So on Instagram is a great person to follow, and I say that because she is politically neutral, truly, her platform is simply a platform.

Here’s the, here’s the data and you could actually ask her questions. She’s a government teacher So her job is to teach government as a concept and if you ask her, hey, the Supreme Court did this thing What is this thing called? She’ll just tell you what the thing is called She won’t say this is what it should have been or here’s what’s this.

It’s just here’s the fact Her name is Sharon says so she has a following in the millions. She has influence with political parties because they wish they could buy her out because she has that much of a say in people’s hearts and minds. because she’s a teacher, it is her heart to teach. And, she has a book coming out in September called The Small and the Mighty, and it is actually available right now for pre-order.

I would love for you to grab a copy. I purchased 10 right out of the gate because she is all about how, as individuals, We have the ability to be the unsung heroes of the political process, that we have the right to take it back. We have the right to shape a world that is actually a reflection of the world that we want our kids to grow up in, and not a reflection of what the powers that be think serves them.

And that’s it. She is encouraging all of us to be engaged in the political process. And the first step in engagement is information and information around solutions, not divisive political bullet points. and that inherently is what’s going to save democracy. That is what’s going to put us into a place where we can say, look, we are passing on to our kids a process that is reflective of what’s going to help the masses and a shared growth around our ideals and what we believe.

But it does start with us. So follow Sharon if you want to know more about the political process and you want to be informed in advance of this election season, but know that This was our prep talk so that you know that these conversations are going to happen and a little bit of education on how to approach a lot of what you’re seeing that’s already coming at you left and right to focus on, well, how are you going to do it?

Not just what are you going to do, how are you going to do it? If they aren’t able to articulate how or they’re giving you a BS runaround that you know is not actually going to work because you’re smart enough to know what’s going to work, look elsewhere because that person is not keeping it real. All right, we’re capable of doing this.

We are able to have these conversations. We are able to talk about these things and hold space for the fact that yes, people might think, vote or desire differently from us, but it doesn’t change the fact that at the end of the day, we all want our babies to thrive. We all want to be able to have food on our tables.

We all want to feel comfortable in our jobs and be able to have a little bit extra breathing room to take a vacation, do a repair, you know, save for the future. We all want the same thing. Do not let political parties get you convinced that we just don’t know how and we cannot get there. We just have to figure out how to get there.

That’s the only thing that we’ve been arguing about and there is a happy Medium. Don’t give up, stay in the game, and just keep listening in because I always have a couple of these episodes as we get closer to November. Alright? So feel free to DM me, send messages, leave a voicemail, comment below, as we have these conversations. I cannot wait to chat about it more.

In this episode, we chat about:

What conversations we need to be having right now,
Why I’m going to bring politics into these chats,
How we can have chats and maintain grace,
Why it feels like we always have to pick a side, and
What to do when you feel uncomfortable about certain topics

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

Find Sharon McMahon on Instagram and pre-order her book HERE!
Let’s connect over on Instagram and Facebook!
Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
There is something becoming socially acceptable that we need to talk about, friend! Listen here or watch here
I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Make it make SENSE!

by Nicole Walters | Apr 9, 2024

Make It Make SENSE!

Friends, we need to make it make sense! And this, it just does not.

In this chat we are talking about something that is becoming normalized in our culture that frankly shouldn’t be.

When we normalize everything, we leave no room for standing in the truth of what makes sense for most people.

Between giving others grace, knowing we don’t know the whole story, and staying out of others’ business, it can be hard to say, “Well THAT, I wouldn’t recommend to my own kids.”

Friend, we need to chat and I want to hear YOUR thoughts. Let’s extend each other grace but also talk for real real!

Nicole:

Hey, y’all, I want to jump right in. And first things first, I do want to issue a headphone warning. Now, this isn’t for language, but just because this conversation ain’t for the littles. So, mama, if you are listening in your car, if you are doing this over dinner, this is one to just pop in those headphones.

Now, I am talking today about relationships and issues. age gaps. Now I have looked online and one of the number one things Googled about me is how old the difference is between me and my guy, Alex. And I have to tell you, we do have an age gap. Um, I’m five years older than he is. So, uh, It’s not much of an age gap.

We are in the same decade, same area. It’s kind of inconsequential in a lot of different ways, but it is an age gap. And, you know, sometimes we do feel it, you know, with me approaching 40 and moving into a certain phase of my life, especially as we talk about starting a family, you know, a woman in her forties, starting a family is very different from a guy in his early thirties.

He’s ready to pop them babies out and we’ll have no trouble doing it. And a lot of us are looking to sunset that chapter of our life, or it’s more difficult. So there are. differences when you are even just five years apart. Now, I want to talk about a larger age gap. If you have been paying attention on social media, you know that there is a hot article that’s going around from the cut.

And it’s all about women saying that they are huge fans, huge fans of dating older men because of all the ready made life perks that come along with it. So what are those ready made life perks? They are, you know, an income that is stable, a home that’s established. And if they’re not looking to have children, maybe even getting to play super auntie to some extra babies.

But no matter what they say, that it is a thing to go for. If you are in your twenties, just stop playing around. Look for that man in his forties pluses and enjoy that life. And if you have been paying attention to social media a couple months ago, you’ve heard that there are various celebrities who have been, uh, uh, very vocal about being pregnant in their forties and in their late thirties by boys athletes that are as young as 21.

And, uh, several of these women actually have sons that are the same age as the men that they are having children with. You are hearing me correctly. They are having babies by young boys that are as young as 21, 20 years age difference. Now, before I even get into it, I already know that some of you are hearing this because you are saying to yourself, well, that’s their right.

That’s their freedom. Don’t judge, extend grace, all of that. Y’all, you know how I am. I absolutely hold space for lifestyles. I absolutely hold space for people to, make the choices that they make and absorb everything that comes along with it. Also, I know some of you may be in larger age gap relationships of your own that work for you, that are a dream with, you know, a beautiful relationship.

So I just want to be clear, this is not a judgment or indictment on that choice. However, I do want to call out that we cannot be in this place where we are issuing think pieces and articles and Twitter threads going back and forth about how this is a perfectly traditional relationship that people need to be open to as if it is totally normal and there are no psychological consequences, that there are no differences or changes because of it.

Y’all, At what point did we start saying to ourselves that the things are normal and they can’t be both? It can be both. Absolutely and wildly inappropriate for a 40 year old woman to be in a relationship with a 21 year old child. And I do use the word child, Seriously, and I’ll go into why, although some of y’all mamas right now are like exactly right and also be in love and making a choice and you know, they’re feeling something special because we are not in their relationship, but here are the reasons why I know right out of the gate that this ain’t it and we need to start calling it out.

First things first, if that was your baby, you would be at their front door banging down that door saying what are you doing with my child? You Anyone who is a mother to a 20 plus year old child between the ages of say 20 and 25 knows that they are children. I have a 21 year old and I have a 24 year old.

I can tell you right now that neither of them has the capability of being in a relationship with someone in their 40s. Now it’s, that is not a knock to my children at all. They are resilient, they are capable, they are brilliant, they are smart girls that are living wonderful lives and rounding out into very well developed and impactful women.

And they’ve overcome a lot. So they have definitely embraced more than their fair share of a difficult life. But I will tell you that there are certain things that come with age that cannot be denied. And frankly, There’s no way that they will even understand until they get there. And on a simple level, scientifically, we already know that there are parts of your brain that are not developed until the age of 25, and for some, a little later.

And that area is called your prefrontal cortex. It is the part of your brain that is responsible for decision making and long term thinking. So even if you want to say, well, they’re grown and like in, in one of these circumstances, the 21 year old is a professional athlete with a massive multi million, like we’re talking 30 million plus contract, you know, has been essentially living in the world as an adult for some time, and he’s definitely over 18, which we know is a made up number that indicates you’re an adult, but hardly indicates, you know, actual maturity.

But he’s been living in the world, you know, and making adult decisions on his own for a while, but make no mistake, he still has four years before he can truly develop and understand the full consequence of his choices and decisions. And he is laid up with a 39 year old woman and making a baby when that 39 year old woman is fully aware of her decisions.

As a matter of fact, her brain has been fully developed for as long as he has been breathing. So, since we know that, it just, we cannot deny that there is a power dynamic. There is an awareness there that is undeniable and a little bit wrong. You know, it’s a little bit wrong because there’s no way that he’s coming into it with the same full understanding of the choices that they’re making together as a couple.

It just isn’t even possible because scientifically he doesn’t have that ability. Now, I’m not saying that there’s not a one off where he may be more developed than the typical child, but, uh, you know, it’s a stretch, right? It is a stretch. And furthermore, I remember the days when we used to look at the men out there who would be married to women who would help them through their career, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Get into their sixties and trade them in for a 30 year old. Right. And we would be like, how could you do that? And what do you want with a 30 year old? And we would always say, you know, women elbow, you know, to the, to the ribs, we’d be like, Hey, you know, you only want one thing with that 30 year old. So why aren’t we holding women to the same standard?

I know that when I have a son, if a woman comes in and she is 47 years old and she wants to date my 30 year old son, who has crossed the line of developmental, you know, brain thinking, so he can be more responsible for his decisions, as her peer, because catch this, I’m her peer. I’m going to say, what do you want with my baby?

What do you want with my baby? And mamas, I know right now y’all are in the same, listen, we have been in this for a while. I know you feel the same way. I know you are nodding your head saying to yourself, honestly though, that might be good for them, but you’re not bringing that in my house, you know? So, catch this.

This hits a little close to home because I have been dealing with this. Now, my 24 year old is just now getting into the world, right? She’s been dealing with her recovery process. She, recently just got her first car, her first apartment. She’s really starting to flap her wings and get out into the world.

I am so, so proud of her. She’s been sober for a year now, actually over a year, technically, because, uh, she had her surgery. Sober birthday, uh, two weeks ago. So we’re so, so proud of big, tiny, but she’s also dating and dating differently. So, you know, during the years that she was struggling with her sobriety, she was making different dating choices.

Ones that I don’t think were reflective of what she necessarily deserve, but they were definitely reflective of where she was at the time. And of course, you know, she learned a lot about that dating. Now, what is interesting is now that she’s 24, she isn’t. is seeking out different types of relationships, but she is exploring and expanding.

And, uh, I have to tell y’all, she called me up and told me she is dating someone new. and the only reason I’m sharing about this is one, uh, you know, the relationship is not happening anymore, you know, so this is a chapter of her life that has closed, you know, but also because, it really relates to this and I’ll be the first one to call myself out about, you know, how I felt about it, how I handled it, you know, before I talk about somebody else’s stuff.

So she told me she was dating someone new and she was really excited about him and they’ve been seeing each other for a couple months and, uh, you know, it started off. kind of casual, right? So, you know, y’all, I don’t need to go into detail. We’re all adults here, you know, but start off kind of casual.

They’re seeing each other maybe once a week, and he’s always coming to see her. And, you know, they get a meal, spend some time together, and then move on with their lives. And that was kind of the first thing. first couple months of dating. And then once they started kind of approaching six months, then maybe they’re seeing each other on a weekend here and there, which anyone who’s ever dated knows if they’re giving you their Friday and Saturday, that is prime time, right?

If you don’t move into prime time pretty quick, you know that they probably have something else going on, right? Or they’re trading in your time for something that they think is more valuable. So, you know, she started getting in a couple of prime time days and, but still the relationship is very much one where she hasn’t met his friends, hasn’t really met his family.

Family hasn’t really been part of his world. Uh, they’ve just kind of had their bubble together. So all of these things alone had my mama Dar, my mama radar, like, I don’t know about him. Right. I don’t know about him. I don’t think he’s taking my daughter. Seriously enough, you know, and I recognize, and all of you know this already, when it comes to my babies, I’m extra.

Don’t care. Call me a helicopter mom. Say that I do too much. Say that I’m overprotective. Say that I am the extraest of all the moms and I need to let them babies go because kids need breathing room to live. That’s fine. Call me that. Don’t care. It’s who I am. My babies are going to be fine and tucked up under me.

You do you for your kids. That’s how I am about my kids. I do not play about mine. Don’t care. So all that being said, this guy was not good enough for her already, didn’t even need to know anything extra. But then, when I said give me his background and stats, because of course as a mom I need to know his first and last, his job, like everything about him, like I want to know about him.

When she gave me his stats and she stopped at saying that he was 33, I said, wait. I said, uh uh, not you telling me that you want me to sit at a holiday meal with a man who is the same age as mine. No, listen, no. I recognize that because I adopted you, it puts us in this weird window where we can share clothes, share music, and, and date roughly in the same range, but you are stretching your range, sis, when I did not stretch my range down.

Okay, I’m dating within the right range. You are stretching up. I am not okay with that. I’m really deeply not okay with that. Now, I will say for the record, because I do balance out my parenting, right, like all my feelings inside of No, you not. Don’t necessarily come out, right? Not in the interaction with my children.

So this, these were inside thoughts, but I definitely looked at her and said, can you tell me more about that? And if you’ve read my book, you know, that is my go to phrase. Tell me more about that. That’s what I say that coupled with Botox, right? Botox makes my face not express and tell me more about that allows my kids to have room to talk so that while I diffuse the rage within.

So she says to me that he is 33. And I’m like, not almost 10 years older than you. It just made everything click. Now, all the mamas here know right now. He’s not introducing you to his friends. He’s busy. He’s only seeing you once a week on a very casual tip for about six months. And you are in a very new transition y type of phase of life, you know.

There are also some really big cultural and religious differences. Um, he comes from a very strong culture, um, that has a very strong religious background that is very different from her personal belief system. And, um, and their religious background also dictates a very strong family unit. So to be in a relationship with someone, basically I’m saying his mama did not know about her.

Y’all know what that means. All I could say for my older 40 year old brain that could process decision making that my 24 year old could not see was this. Man is not serious about you. Furthermore, and into also including, there’s no way during Thanksgiving that our men are going to be sitting there playing Call of Duty cackling together.

Okay, while me and you are in the kitchen getting food ready. This is not a relationship. I am fitting to have. Okay, I’m not going to do this. I’m not going to sit here and pretend like this is regular, right? I have an issue with it. These are all my inside thoughts. My thoughts expressed to my daughter were as simple as, so what do you think about all this?

And she’s like, yeah, you know, I definitely want something more. And, you know, I definitely feel like, you know, maybe he’s not giving me as much time. And maybe, you know, we could do this. Meanwhile, I’m saying to him, I said, he’s not giving you time because he’s not taking you seriously. So, um, In any case, you know, long story short, called it like I saw it, relationship fizzled out, he’s not, you know, expanding because he’s not trying to be with a 24 year old outside of Pleasant Company, you know, and she learned from it.

She was like, yeah, you know, it’s not that. That was so much older, but I probably need someone who is more aligned with the season of life I’m in, someone I can grow with and someone who can understand where I am and see me completely, you know, rather than someone who, you know, maybe in other chapters, you know, and one of the things that simply goes along with that is if this man in the next year or two is ready to start a family and you are not, you know, you are 25 and not even thinking about that.

That would be an example of something that would be different. If you’re saying, I want to start a family in five, six years. And he’s like, I don’t want to start a family at 40. Well, sis, here’s the issue. You know what I mean? So we had conversations that followed up on why this relationship may not have worked out and different things she can learn from it and different things to look for in the future.

But I say all of this to say that she didn’t even see it coming at 24. What do you think a 21 year old is going to know about being with a 39 year old? And now, Mamas, if you did not take my headphone warning seriously before, let’s put it back on and talk for real. I am a woman who’s come through divorce, right, and I was last on the phone.

in a serious relationship at 22. I got married at 22. to someone who was only my, my ex at the time was six years older than me. So, you know, we were still in the same range, but I was, I consider myself very young. I actually don’t think that 21, 22 year olds should even be getting married, but y’all can yell at me about that a different day, you know, but I just, I just don’t feel like they have, you’ve changed so much.

21 is so different from 25, 25 is so different from 30, 30 is so different from 35. And if you’re telling me that you can think of yourself and be like, Oh no, I was the same person. I was fully developed. I was fully formed. I didn’t learn anything different in those timeframes, then you probably want to sit down with the therapist because growth is important and you should be changing each of those years.

But all that being said, I remember being 22 and the experience I’ve had, the, the Life experiences in addition to my physical experiences, understanding my body, understanding what I like, understanding how to assert myself, understanding how to communicate my needs. These are all things that honestly, no lie y’all, did not become fully developed and fully formed until I hit my 30s, right?

So eight years of being whole, married, and not even understanding. How to communicate some things about my body. Now, I know that that’s different for different women, but realistically, you, you, it takes time. They say that women enter their sexual prime in their late 30s. And I can tell you, as someone who became divorced in their late 30s, I understand things now and I can also ask for them and guide them in ways that are very different than when I was 22.

And if some of y’all are saying to yourselves, you don’t relate, then again, slide into my DM says we need to have a different conversation, but I can tell you now that at 39, there is nothing, nothing I want from a 21 year old. There is nothing a 21 year old can provide or do for me with a level of understanding that is required for my 39 year old self.

And I know several of you right now is on your treadmills nodding your head like listen, right? So knowing this. Right. Knowing this, it begs the question, what are we doing having think pieces and conversations and arguments in the DMs about how this is regular people can live their lives or even stuff like, well, sis secured the bag, right?

Like just because that younger person is richer, you know, and has significant money. Um, If you’re telling me that she secured the bag, then you’re telling me that you are fully aware and co signing and encouraging the financial predatory status of an older adult on a younger child.

That’s wrong when they’re your parents. Like, are you kidding me right now? What has happened to us? Make it make sense, right? Make it make sense. I understand that we can absolutely respect and observe the boundaries of others to make choices in their own lives, but I also need us to not forget our morality.

I think it’s so interesting because we hear about all these stories on the internet and we always say to ourselves, like, where is it all coming from? Right? Where is it all coming from? Like, is this something that’s new? It’s not new. You know, there’s a million stories that I remember growing up of, you know, People, like if you guys have ever seen The Graduate, right, like this huge disparity but remember that the context within which we used to look at these relationships was one where they stood out or we acknowledged that it was maybe a little inappropriate or that it was the one off and frankly a lot of parents would put their foot down and say it’s not okay and maybe that’s because our parenting has changed, maybe the parenting of the boomers which, listen, I acknowledge there’s a lot of things they didn’t do right, right, God bless us.

therapy that they may have been afraid of, but that we are embracing as millennials. But millennials now are the parents. We are the parents. We are responsible for the fact that these young Gen Z’s and the young alphas are coming out different, right? And we also bear the responsibility of not being too free.

Like, we’ve been raised as free range children. Live your life. Express. Go do what you want. And there’s some beauty that comes with that. But, even though our parents may have failed to be insistent on certain elements of morality, it doesn’t release us. from the expectation and responsibility of exercising that morality.

We know right from wrong. We know right from wrong. And I think that that is where I get shocked and confused. We’re watching these people make these choices. And in the past, it used to be that the, the choice itself was the conversation. Cause it was like, you can’t be serious right now. There’s no possible way that.

These people are in this huge relationship of massive disparity. I mean, literally it became TV shows. You guys remember Anna Nicole Smith, you know, dating the 80 year old, you know, like it became a thing where it would dominate headlines and the focus of the headline was how outrageous is this and how outraged are we collectively as a society that this is a choice.

Because there’s got to be something here that is not appropriate and we’re, and we know that intellectually there is an advantage that is given to the older party here. Like we all said the same thing, even if we let them do they thing, right? We all knew. And how many times have we seen In the years after when a lot of these relationships sunset, when a lot of these people break up that you hear these stories of playboy playmates, influencers, young girls in the music industry coming out and saying, I was taken advantage of within like five to 10 years.

Right. They’re saying there’s an impact, right, to what has happened to me because I was too young and I didn’t know. But once their brains developed and clicked in, they knew. And we all were like, we saw it happening. We called it out. You wanted to do what you wanted to do. We even made a spectacle and entertainment of it in social or on TV and reality TV.

But now we acknowledge this was inappropriate. I can literally rack my brain and think of so many scenarios where this has happened. And it is clearly. the outcome, right? We’ve gotten to see the full range of relationship. So knowing this, right, knowing this, at what point did we start saying in the new form of journalism, right?

The, the comment section of social media, the, the, uh, social media gossip threads that we see on Instagram and on TikTok, that people are making arguments that are being legitimized, that this is okay. It is, you know, just a different form of a relationship and that there is no, disparity, right? There’s no difference in them because maybe, you know, she looks really good for her age because I will also say to, to the credit of a lot of these older women who are dating these younger boys, they look really the heck good.

Okay. Like real talk. These women are giving 25. Like, 30 isn’t 30 ing like it used to 30. 40 is 40 ing like 25, okay? Like, call it modern medicine, call it juicing, you know, better sleep, self care, soft life, whatever it is, these women are giving young, and I can understand why these boys intellectually can’t separate the fact that what they’re seeing physically in front of them is not matching up.

up with what we know to be the case as a 40 year old woman. But again, the responsibility lies with us. If you are a 40 year old woman who’s able to raise a 21 year old son and teach him certain things, you better believe that you know exactly what’s going on in that 21 year olds mind, and sadly are in a position to manipulate it.

Even if you are saying you are not doing that. And can you understand what I mean by that? Even if the person is not aware that they’re being manipulative, even if that person doesn’t have the intent to be manipulative, it doesn’t change the fact that they have the power dynamic where in any case, financially, in an argument, in making decisions, they are able to have the upper hand because their brain can do things that the younger one cannot.

And that is why it’s a problem. And the biggest issue is that we are starting to co sign that problem and act like it’s not a big deal in our social media conversations. I don’t want to see a think piece in the New York Times or in The Cut or on Shade Room about how, is it right if? Is this okay if?

Stop that. It’s not okay. It’s not okay. Is it their right and their freedom to be able to make that choice? Absolutely. Is it our business whether or not they decide to make that choice? No, it is not. Is it their boundary to be able to have that relationship and, and live and absorb the consequences and the positive things also that come with that relationship?

Sure. But is it a normal, healthy, balanced, and fair relationship that should be encouraged and embraced and, and seen as something that is, uh, that is constantly fair and appropriate for all kids who are 21 as an option? Absolutely not. Immediately no. It is, it is absolutely wildly insane for us to sit around and pretend in the comments, Like, get it girl, secure that bag.

Miss me with that.

So as you see these articles start coming out, as you start seeing these conversations happening on the internet, as you see these social media celebrities running around with these, you know, Wildly younger kids. And when I say younger, I mean like more than 10 years. 10 years can be a stretch depending on the season of life you’re in.

But when you’re 50 dating a 40 year old, that is way different than when you are 30 dating an 18 year old. And we all know it. As you see these things, please do not be afraid to stand in your truth and in the truth of, this doesn’t make sense. They can still do what they want to do, and we can still acknowledge that there may be room for them to be a one off situation, but we don’t have to sit around and act like there isn’t something predatory, inappropriate, and, and, psychologically irresponsible of, of older women or older men dating kids who are, have not reached their intellectual prime.

And I’m okay saying it because I want to live in a world where I know my girls are safe and surrounded by people who are going to try to date people that can be their mental, financial, intellectual, and spiritual peers. And I hope that for your kids as well. So all that being said. Let’s stand together in our morality sisters, okay, and not lose ourselves in this internet space.

We’re going to make it make sense.

In this episode, we chat about:

The think pieces and conversations around dating with an age gap,
How this hit TOO close to home for me,
The number one thing that is googled about my relationship,
How we can honor boundaries and give grace to others but ALSO hold each other accountable to our morality, and
What we need to call out for the next generation

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

Let’s connect over on Instagram and Facebook!
Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
Is it possible to be wildly profitable AND have inner peace? Listen here or watch here
I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Peace and Profits

by Nicole Walters | Apr 2, 2024

Peace and Profits

We are chatting about peace AND profits in this chat with finance expert, Kendra Nicole!

Kendra’s whole business is about peace and profits but it wasn’t always that way…

We chat about the moment that shifted everything for her and what steps you can take to reclaim peace while still making money in your business.

Friend, Kendra is our people and I know you’re going to love this chat!

Nicole: Y’all, again, I don’t have people here unless I know for a fact it’s going to be good. You have heard from Dr. Scott Lyons, you’ve heard, I literally only bring people in that I know are great. I am so excited because the person that I have here today, when I tell you she is our people, I mean, she is our people. I have known Kendra Nicole for, I want to say, like, almost eight years now, six years now.

It’s been a while. And she is. Easily one of my go to financial experts, super mamas. She has been in a relationship now for I think like three years, four years. I mean, she is an incredible do it all woman. She’s also beautiful and smart and kind and, I’m just so excited because today’s chat is going to be unlike anything you’ve ever heard because we’re going to keep it all the way real.

We are going to talk about money. Y’all know, it’s my favorite topic and also the most uncomfortable topic. And we’re going to talk about some shifts that you’re going to make that you’re not hearing in other places, but will absolutely change your life. So Kendra, thank you so much for being here.

Kendra: Oh, thank you for having me, Nicole. I love

Nicole: to jump right in. Okay, I want to jump right in because they’re not listening to me. I have

Kendra: spent

Nicole: a whole two seasons talking about how money has stressed me the heck out or the act of getting money has stressed me the heck out and you are all about peace and profits.

Kendra: about it.

Nicole: Tell me what the heck does that mean?

Kendra: It’s really about balancing, um, the art and an act of making money with doing it in a way that, um, keeps you fulfilled, right?

So that you can keep going. And I was not always about peace and profits. I was just about profits, right? Like, I

Nicole: I felt Like, there was this window of time where we actually met each other where that really was the language. There wasn’t burnout talk. There wasn’t any of that. It was, Corporate’s a scam. Get the heck out. There is a lot of money to make. Do it now. Make as much as possible. It’s all that matters by any means

Kendra: Work as much as you can do do everything that you can to build scale build scale like absolutely 100 percent

Nicole: and it was, you’re already doing this in corporate anyways, the gag is just do it for yourself, but work the same level of crazy, you’ll make more money and it’s

Kendra: but you have time freedom now, right

Nicole: have time freedom.

Kendra: But you don’t because you’re still working the guitar, but you’re supposed to have time freedom, right?

Nicole: And the catch 22 was Gen Z was all age three, four at that point.

Then, then they got hip to it. Right. And Gen Z now is in their twenties having their own babies. And they’re like, Oh, y’all are playing yourselves because we don’t even care about a six figure anything. If it’s going to kill us, we would rather sleep in our cars.

Kendra: then you see that and you’re like, okay, well, hey, wait, wait a second. Okay, there’s something, there’s something to this, you know?

Nicole: right. There’s something to the fact that our own kids are looking at us saying, Wait, the way you’re doing it’s not how I want to do it either.

So walk me through how you realize this especially as a numbers person, which is why, like, I’m so excited you’re here, because you hear everybody and their mama talk about more peace, less burnout, blah, blah, blah.

It is rare that you hear a financial person saying, Oh no, honey, don’t make less money because you stressed. And that’s how you help these women. So tell me about

Kendra: and I will say in the beginning when I was all profits and I would hear that, I’m like, that’s so woo woo. Don’t listen to the more peace.

Don’t listen to the perfect alignment. Make the money, girl. Make the money. And then, um, the tipping point for me was having my son. because. Prior to Carter, it was all work, work, work, work, um, got pregnant, was like, um, okay, well, uh, I’ll have this maternity leave. Like I was like all prepared and ready to go, had no maternity leave.

When you own a business, you don’t have a maternity

Nicole: is that? Uh, how can I leave from my house?

Kendra: exactly. I was like, This doesn’t really quite work the way I was thinking, but I thought that I was going to have one. And so, you know, I had some reduced calls and hours and things like that. But the exact point was when I was trying to nurse Carter while on a call with a client, bouncing on a yoga ball, praying that he would like fall asleep while I’m going over my client’s financials.

And he’s getting fussy. And it happened a couple of times before. And my clients were amazing, very forgiving. But this one particular time. Uh, the client got a little sassy and I was already, of course, hormonal and like feeling like I was going to get judged. But then when she said what she said about, you know, my inability to properly parent and to manage, the business properly because of this chaos, absolutely did.

Nicole: first and foremost, I just want to say to all the mamas listening, if you cannot extend fellow mama grace, don’t, don’t go there.

Don’t go there. Bless you.

Kendra: It was tough. I

Nicole: you burst into tears. What y’all don’t know is Kendra Nichols is softy. Okay. She didn’t cuss nobody out. She cried.

Kendra: cry in front of you, Nicole, 90 percent of the time that I see you. So yes, this is true. Um, but in that moment, yeah, I 100 percent was like, This is not what I got into business for like it it a it made me very sad But then also I was just like this is not this isn’t the move like this is not what I was in this for and so I was hard on myself because I’m like I plan for this and you know I thought I was prepared and so at that moment though is when I realized okay.

I have to shift this model. I have to understand that I have to make sure there’s proper alignment with clients and like go through the whole thing. Right. But I knew that at that point it was not about just making as much money as possible and bringing this business to whatever number there had to be some piece there of, um, ensuring that I’m working with the proper people, ensuring that I have the proper hours that if I need to go and put my son to sleep because he’s fussy and he’s one month old, that I can do that and not feel like.

You know, like I’m a horrible businesswoman and I’m literally at that exact point is when everything shifted for me and I was like, this is not just about scaling like this is about making sure that there is that proper balance.

Nicole: Wow. And I think what really stands out to me in that story is that we hear about balance being, I say it all the time, balance is bogus, right? It’s never going to be perfect balance, but there is prioritization. And in that moment, it was like, look, the priority is my baby. And it’s not a, I mean, I’ll just be the one who’s transparent to say it, you know, sometimes that parenting may not be where you want to be, but it is the priority, you know, and I need the flexibility to be there if I need to, because you never know your kids shifting focus.

I have a similar story with Chrissy when she was going through chemo. You know, um, when she got that diagnosis, when I tell you that was the first time I realized, I literally don’t care about this business. Like, I thought I cared about it. I really was like, this is the thing that has been my primary focus for six, seven years.

I’ve just only been focused on this. But when I tell you, if they told me in that instant, that moment, you will never make another dollar. You will lose everything you have. You will sleep on a box, but Chrissy will live. And that was when I was like, Oh, wow. None of this matters if, if the right things aren’t okay.

So what were the first steps that you took to start transforming your business to allow you to be, you know, mom and a Carter?

Kendra: The very first thing was figuring out what am I really looking for? Like what am I really doing this for? And that’s when I realized like time at that point was my highest priority. Like I needed to be available when I want it to be available. I need to be able to wake up any morning and say today I can’t take a call or I can’t take a

Nicole: So wait, wait, wait, wait, let’s be clear about this because everyone says shifting from corporate to entrepreneur is to get time

Kendra: Yeah.

Nicole: but. What there’s this thing that no one has talked about which I think is kind of what I’m trying to call out here That’s so important is time flexibility So I may have the freedom to schedule where I want to but listen It has to hit the schedule for me to make money time flexibility is oh I don’t have to do it at all.

And that was what you were actually seeking

Kendra: Because I mean, at the end of the day, I still had dozens of clients that I had to have like monthly calls with, and I had to talk to the team about their accounting work.

And so there was still work that had to be done. But did it have to be done every Tuesday at 2:00 PM or if Carter was fussy at one 50, could I move that 2:00 PM. to another time and still get done. And that was what was more important to me was how can I make sure that everything is getting done the way that it needs to get done, but it doesn’t have to be so perfectly, you know, uh, scheduled and calendarized and all of that, that I can’t also have the flexibility to be mom first.

so I had to shift things around because before, yeah, my focus was just like, you If I had an hour in the day to get work done, then I’m going, I’m gonna get work done. I mean, it’s another hour where I can work and now it’s like that hour. I have no idea what’s gonna happen next Wednesday at three o’clock.

Carter gonna have the flu. I can, you know, I can get sick. You know, you have no clue.

Nicole: could be, you could even have something on the calendar for exactly two o’clock. Everything could be totally financial too. And then you’ll hear a crash in the other room and you’re like, I am going to be late to this call because you decided you wanted something off the top shelf.

And now we’re going to urgent care. So this is the thing right now. And I need to know that I can shift things accordingly. I so aligned. I know everyone right now is like, yes, yes, yes. So, okay. Truth moment. How did it work? Was it easy and seamless in the beginning?

Kendra: I’m telling you. It can’t be some people because she’s like, what?

Nicole: our people because she’s like, look, I’m not gonna lie to you.

It was a mess. So how did it work in the beginning?

Kendra: you wanna know why it was messed my own it was like my own mental mess clients were amazing They were like Kendra take the time Some of them were actually shocked that I’m taking calls when I have a son that’s two months old They’re like, why are we on a call?

Nicole: then we also have, so I don’t know about you, so let me not project, but it’s like, literally, I’m like, Oh, no, I’m

Kendra: and

Nicole: like, that’s my

Kendra: like

Nicole: no, it’s fine. Literally,

Kendra: eyelash falling off, right

Nicole: a disaster, right? Half the boob is out, hair is a mess. And I’m like, do you mind if I turn off my zoom camera?

Because my baby just spit up all over me. Like, whatever. And literally you’re saying to yourself, though, I’m fine. Like, because I also wanted to be able to be the person who could. No one was even asking it of me. But I wanted to be the mom who could who can do it and say that this isn’t an issue, even though other moms are giving you

Kendra: Absolutely. And so take the grace and, you know, appreciate it and, um, accept it. But, but yeah, a lot of it was my own mess in the beginning.

The team was great. Like they were willing to do things. I think it’s just that shift, you know, I don’t know if it’s corporate shift or whatever it is, the type A shift, but it’s just like, You can actually accept that you can have flexibility once you, like, you have to accept it though. It’s hard. It’s weird.

It’s like, wait, I can reschedule this meeting today? Like,

Nicole: also, like, can we just say, and I think that you probably realize this quickly, too, if it doesn’t get done or if it gets shifted, like the world didn’t end,

Kendra: listen, Nicole,

Nicole: it didn’t end.

Kendra: I had to learn that very, very early on because I just, and my dad actually had to be the one to tell me. He was like, Because I’m like calling him.

Nicole: dad. Y’all don’t know about this.

Ken Nicole’s, Abby Knowing

Kendra: My dad, he’s awesome. And I was like calling him about the laundry not being done. And like, there was like a bottle in the, in the sink. And he’s just like, Kendra, like, what are you?

It’s fine. It’s fine. Like, don’t stress about it. I’m like, well, well, what about? And so, yeah, there was a lot of having to come over that. But I’ll tell you. That once I finally worked through those things and got to that other side and really did find because you’re absolutely right. There is no perfect balance.

Balance is bogus. But once I found how to prioritize and how to refocus every day on what’s important to me in that moment and follow to that, I can’t, I can’t look back like there is no going back. And so in my opinion, starting like, how do you find that peace and profits? It’s, you start with. What is important to you right now and if it’s, you know, if it is the profit side more because maybe you’re wanting to get to a certain amount to send your kids off to college or do whatever.

Sure, great. But when you’re working hard and things get rough, you have that to look towards to know that, okay, well, this is what I’m going for, but you have to know what that is. And that makes it a lot easier to go through those hard times that you will go through. But being aware of what it is just, you know, makes it a lot easier to get there.

Nicole: that makes so much sense, like setting an intentionality of that goal so that you can say, like, because honestly, it’s the intentionality that lets you have the flexibility part of the freedom.

So it’s time, freedom and flexibility as you’re marching towards an intentional goal versus, oh, I’m going to work like this forever and I’ll just, life will have to fit around it, which is just not realistic, not realistic. So I want to. sort of shift gears, but tie it in as well. So I’m the breadwinner, you know, in my household, in my relationship.

And I always have been as an entrepreneur. Part of that is because, of who I am, right? Like, it’s just my predestined, you know, nature that I, it is very difficult to make more money than me because I will always make a lot. And we thank God for it. I receive it, Lord. Yes, more,

Kendra: know, nothing wrong with that.

Nicole: know, nothing wrong with that.

I work really and all of that, but.

Kendra: it

Nicole: brings a unique set of issues around this sort of peace and profits because and you’re the breadwinner as well, right? So yeah, so knowing this, that you’re in this place where you literally don’t care if you make another dollar because my baby needs this right now.

Also, some of that’s hormonal. I don’t know what it is about having kids. Your brain snaps. Like you literally will be like, I don’t care about anything because my baby needs, which is not right. It’s not rational

Kendra: You can start a business if

Nicole: want to and you can choose to not listen to us and do it right and just do whatever but I promise you when that baby shows up or that kid needs something you’ll be right here with us like it’s whatever so.

Your brain snaps. How did you reconcile the fact that you are a breadwinner with this sort of, I don’t, I need to prioritize my kid and we may go broke.

Kendra: You know what?

Nicole: freak out? Like, what? Like, pretty good.

Kendra: You know what? I didn’t. I didn’t panic. but I think that that’s just having faith in the business and in my ability. And I don’t know how this is going to come out like sounding, but

Nicole: because I’m going to have questions about that because I think people react differently to this, you know?

Kendra: Yeah. I think there’s like some, I think some of us just have this ability or this feeling and this faith that We’re going to be able to make the money regardless, like whether it’s the business or take the business away.

I’ll be able to figure out another way to make the money, you know, and I think that with that I don’t have that that fear or that concern now, of course There’s also because I have planned and stashed money in all kinds of different ways So I think that’s probably when I’m leaning back on the most

Nicole: I wanted to say that it’s a combination, right? Because I do think that you’re completely right. And I, and one of the questions I get, especially since the divorce and sharing all this from a lot of women is, you know, you went through this divorce, but Nicole, I didn’t see you sleeping in your car.

I didn’t see you borrowing money from people, you know, it doesn’t look like your lifestyle changed very much, you know, how’d you do that? And part of it is that, you know, I made sure that I lived a life where I was living below my means, you know, I made sure that. If, you know, mandated for health reasons, I had the means to take care of myself for a full year, you know, and all of that came from making very careful decisions.

And you’re saying that you did that anyways financially,

Kendra: Absolutely. Absolutely. You have to prepare for it. I mean, that’s where the confidence is going to come from to do anything, to be able to cancel that meeting, to do whatever you need to do with your kid or, you know, like having that financial confidence, knowing that you have whatever amount of money in your savings account, whatever amount of money, if it’s stocks or whatnot, although you need to have some liquid cash, right?

Nicole: cash always. Listen, even a little cash in the house, like cash,

Kendra: Yes, yes. Yeah, always. Um, but that’s, that’s for sure going to be that safety net that’s going to allow you to really enjoy that freedom that you’re kind of working for as an entrepreneur. Yeah, right. You

Nicole: absolutely. And you guys have heard me say it when it comes to like my values and products and working, it’s been really nice to be able to say no, you know, like if a project comes, you know, and I don’t want to do it because it’s not even in value alignment.

It’s like, I don’t need this money. It’s a no, you know? And that does come from. the work, but again, I think it’s something that we share with intentionality. It’s part of why we were working was to be able to intentionally say, Oh, I don’t have to do this. But even, even us, we even had to come to a point where we were like, Oh, this is the time to push that button and start paying ourselves, you know, because we were like, We’ll just keep working, you know, and that’s not realistic.

So I love hearing that I’m going to be honest, though, panic does set in, you know, panic does set in where I say to myself, Oh my gosh, the money’s running out, you know, where I’m like, I’m working and I’m drawing from this thing where it was my safety cushion net, you know, like I have a, I have a My savings account when it goes below a certain number, which is imaginary.

So this is me tapping into your financial person brain, you know, and I’ve said things to you, like I save way too much for taxes, you know, just because I get nervous and all of this, is this why it makes sense for anyone to work and have a financial team so that you can know what your healthy number is versus your number that may be based on scarcity or fear, you know,

Kendra: absolutely. I think and that person could be like a CFO in the business or it could be a financial manager or a wealth manager. I mean, there’s different ways to kind of look at it, but there definitely should be someone who is aware of your financial situation, aware of your needs and your wants and aware of your future plans and what you’re wanting in the future so that they can help you keep all of that in mind when you’re making decisions or if you’re potentially getting concerned about something.

Um, but they are like literally in your financial corner. Now, in your. financial corner. So if you are, if you are with partner, with spouse, with, you know, boyfriend, girlfriend, whoever, that’s cool. And maybe you guys have someone else, but like you have to have someone, you as an individual have to have someone who was in your financial corner, who likely knows more about your financial business than said partner.

Nicole: Oh, okay. So this is what we’re doing here today. So auntie Kendra just came out and she’s about to tell you about yourself. So I told you we were the same. So

Kendra: So here we go.

Nicole: Let’s talk about that. So you know, with all the things that strong, you know, capable women do, and I just say that because we have some women, you know, who listen that are my friends here, who May not have collected all their money yet, but they are doers.

You know what I mean? We will get that money any type of way, right? Like we’ll do what we need to do to provide for our families. And they may not feel like they’re worth the prenup today, but they know that that money is coming and they need it signed

Kendra: their time. So

Nicole: you’re saying because I get I come across this all the time.

Well, my husband is my partner, like, we’re married, it’s all in the household, all this, but, but, I think we both had a look into the corporate world, men typically don’t see it

Kendra: A lot

Nicole: A lot of these men will have their businesses solely in their name, funds in their name, everything on their own, and yet women tend not to do the same

Kendra: tell me

Nicole: Can you tell me a little bit about what you’ve seen, I mean, you work with women who are quite wealthy, and how are they with their money in relation to their partners?

Kendra: Yeah, it’s so interesting you say that because I actually used to work with someone who, um, a male and he had assets, all kinds, he had homes, boats that the wife didn’t know about and she had no clue, home, like whole properties.

Yes, absolutely.

Nicole: Rolexes, you buy artwork, you buy these things because you have to put the money somewhere.

Kendra: and, and I’m sure maybe there were times where things were purchased and he just forgot to Mentioned at the dinner table, you know, you know, so it’s possible, but I would venture to say that if that was a woman that went off and brought like bought another property, she probably would have told her spouse at the dinner table, might have mentioned it, you know, Hey, babe,

Nicole: the new home in Aspen

Kendra: Right, you know, and so I do think that there is a difference there. Um, why? Who knows? All kinds of reasons, I’m sure, but, regardless, I do think that, um, individuals, but particularly women need to be very confident in understanding what their financial situation is across the board. And before they are concerned about, does my partner know and understand and respect and agree, they need to just be very clear on what it is.

And there’s a lot of, um, A lot of times, regardless of how much money you’re making, whether your money is on the way, or whether you have it already stashed and stacked up, there’s a lot of fear, I feel like, around just like taking complete ownership of what your financial situation is. and that has to get worked through because you have to be clear on where you are and clear on where you’re wanting to go, but first clear on where you are.

so yeah, I mean, I definitely suggest having someone.

Nicole: a picture and it’s interesting that you say all this because just, you know, full transparency, A lot of women feel, at least in my experience that I’ve seen, that, you know, they kind of blur the line between their business role and their wife role, you know, and they often feel like, well, as a wife, of course, we’re partners, of course, it’s a mutual business.

And what’s interesting is if there’s any part of you that feels weird, whenever you say that in relation to your partner, it might also be telling about your relationship, you know, and so I can easily say that for the entire duration of my marriage. to my husband, you know, I’ll say clearly anytime he would use the phrase, um, partner

Kendra: Mm-Hmm. , or,

Nicole: you know, we’re in this, we’re doing this together or anything like that.

I shut that down so

Kendra: Mm-Hmm

Nicole: and he’ll tell you that too. And I say it with no shame. It’s not something I’m embarrassed about. And people can think any way they want about me. I look back now and I’m like, that is really telling I shouldn’t have even Felt the need to say that to him on a lot of ways. Cause my current guy knows it’s my business.

It’s not even really a conversation. It’s my business. You know, even though he supports me in my business, it’s my business. And you know, my ex at one point worked for me. As an employee, W2’d in my business, but it was always my business. And so he would use the word partner and

Kendra: No,

Nicole: it’s my business.

I was like, and I would literally stop and be like, I just want to be completely clear about your use of partner here.

Kendra: It’s your business. Yeah.

Nicole: Just shut it down.

Kendra: You have to.

Nicole: You have to, you know, and. However, if you have to do that, it’s probably a sign of other things in the relationship. Just letting any of you know, if any of you feel hyper protective about saying that, there may be other conversations that need to be had.

But all that being said, I’m grateful that I was always really clear because that has helped me down the line. And it has also affected the way that I’ve approached the finances. You know, everything’s in my name, everything’s, you know, mine, you know what I mean? And I think that we sometimes, you know, for whatever, for historical reasons.

You know, really will feel the need to

Kendra: feel the need

Nicole: business is separate from the marriage.

Kendra: our partners. The business, you know, the business is separate.

Nicole: of being

Kendra: very clear from the beginning about what business you have, what together you guys have, but the assets and everything that’s with your business is your business.

And I’m just being very clear on that. And also understanding that how much you share about your businesses, financials is also up to you.

You know,

Nicole: standpoint and a relationship standpoint. So obviously neither one of us is relationship experts here, you know, but we’re saying like from a relationship standpoint, you can say, look, this is my business. This is your thing, but also from an accounting standpoint, not mixing those two can really help.

Even if you aren’t saying it out loud, paperwork wise, it’s pretty clear.

Kendra: day to day decisions in the business. Like once you start to, let me think about it. If you’re always asking your partner for advice on like financial advice, or should I hire this person? Should I have that person now? Some things, sure, just to kind of get their thought on. But if you’re always asking them things and making them almost feel like they are a partner in the business and then turn around and say, but no, you know, so it’s just a lot easier to kind of.

Keep things as clear as possible. Now, they’re going to know some aspects of the business anyways, because when they look at a tax return, they’re going to see how much property you’re bringing, right?

Nicole: on the type of business you have. So like I have a business where. You know, if I’m going to a red carpet or if I have a book release, like obviously he knows and he’s parts of it. And I will say like, you know, with Alex, I definitely, Alex, more so than my previous partner, I ask his opinion of things, you know, where I’ll say, you know, this is how I’m looking at it.

Cause I know he looks at things from a

Kendra: I’m really

Nicole: I’m really big on, can I get your opinion on this, which is a clear delineation between. You know, I need your help versus I’m asking your take. And then the other phrase that we use to support each other is solutions or support.

Kendra: That’s

Nicole: You know, so it’s like when one of us starts sort of business venting, it’s do you need solutions or do you need support?

Kendra: Yeah. ’cause

Nicole: are you asking me to give you advice from some business angle or do you just need a space?

Kendra: Oh, that’s good. I need, I need to start that because I dive straight into solutions and I’m sure Ashley sometimes it’s like, I don’t really want to know what you

Nicole: want, they want to suffer.

Kendra: Yeah. Like

Nicole: everyone understands that. And listen, it applies to teenagers. It applies to children, everything.

Do you want solutions for, I even use it with toddlers, you know, do you just need a hug right now? Or do you want me to help? Do you need a hug or do you need help? And so I was like, I just need a hug. And I was like, okay, cool. Let’s

Kendra: work through it. Yeah.

Nicole: So I’m, so, you know, All day, that

Kendra: filling that, filling it,

Nicole: was still, it’s still working on it. So you’re saying that numbers wise, that in a business from an accounting standpoint, being really clear about what we decide to share financially is still up to us and we can change the range on that. And obviously, if I feel nervous about sharing things, accounting wise, that also may be a sign of other

Kendra: Yeah, and I think it’s like less about necessarily like the nerves of it and more about understanding like once you open that door, um, they just might have thoughts and insights. But to your point, maybe you want those thoughts and insights like that might work too. I just don’t, you know, I, I have seen and I hate to see clients who have, um, Open that door to not even just partners, but parents and family members that they’ve kind of brought into the business and then they try to, they try to set the separation and it’s like, yeah, but you’ve already, you’ve given them access to all your bank accounts.

You’ve given them, you know, they’re running payroll for your team. Like, they’re basically a part of your company now and now you’re trying to say, yeah, but you can’t make any decisions. And so it’s just being, I guess, again, intentional from the beginning on what you want that relationship to look like and how you want it to go.

Because, um, once you start bringing folks into your business, it’s uh, it’s hard to

Nicole: at risk,

Kendra: right? Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole: I can’t tell you how many people I have had in my office saying, oh, my sister does this for me or my cousin does this for me and they’re just so good at this part of they used to do HR for this and and the thing is one. Most of the time, they’re not as good as they think, you know, like when I start looking at the work, I’m like, this is actually pretty sloppy work.

It’s just better than what you have done for yourself. So you

Kendra: part is I

Nicole: And the hardest part is I want someone who I can fire, you know, so I’ll have employees who are like, man, you know, working for Nicole, I thought it would be all roses because she’s so grace filled and Baba and I’m like, it’s still a business, you know, and you may not have liked that you thought it was going to be roses.

And I’m like, I’m writing you up and you’re like, go, you know what I mean, but

Kendra: mean? But. Yeah. I’m

Nicole: glad I can do that. It’s harder to do that with

Kendra: So much.

Nicole: I’ve had family members work for me. I’ve had, you know, and it just, it never goes well because there are times where they’re expecting a level of empathy and compassion and grace and extra where it just does not meet the moment of the task.

You feel bad because you want to give it and you can see how it would be appropriate from a sibling standpoint but in terms of the work part you can’t, you know, and then not to mention numbers. God, I don’t want to be responsible for my family’s household income, you

Kendra: and then you might extend that grace for so long and then that might build up resentment because you’re like, okay I’m extending this grace and I’m you know trying to Make sure that you you know still have this income coming in, but you’re not seeing that and you’re still not, you know improving

Nicole: that from like an accounting, because you see the numbers on the back end and the numbers don’t lie, you know, people giving raises or unfair salaries to family members or things like that where it’s like, Why are you paying this person 150K? This job typically goes for 45K.

Okay.

Kendra: Absolutely all the time all the time all the time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I’ve seen I’ve seen folks in their in their siblings business give themselves a raise without asking the owner of the business.

Nicole: girl. That’s

Kendra: And they’re just like, well, things have happened in my life and I need to make more money and I’m going to pay myself more.

And so they, they went and ran a higher payroll. I mean, it’s, it’s insane the amount of disrespect it absolutely is. And there’s still an employee in the business. So, you know, it just, it makes things a lot harder, you know, and business is already hard enough as it is running a business. So just, you know, be.

It might come in and make more complications unnecessarily and sometimes not all the times. But sometimes hiring family members can just make that harder. You know,

Nicole: well, we’ve covered different, a lot of different aspects of peace in relation to profit, you know, peace within self, you know, of, uh, parenting and feeling good and being willing to let go and peace within our interpersonal relationships with our partners, with our family, with our friends. But I want to talk about peace.

in relation to purpose, right? We talked about the intentionality and knowing where we’re going. And I think that, you know, not to tell all your business, but, I met you when you’re kind of starting out, you know, and which is unbelievable considering where you are now. I mean, you, this woman has built an incredible, wildly profitable, crazily impactful business.

And it’s like, Not to mention family at the same time. When I met her, she was unmarried, no babies. Now she’s like, she’s gonna have a football

Kendra: couple of

Nicole: know, and, you know, she’s got this incredible business, employees, all of that. And one of the things we talk about often now, you know, is kind of, the what’s next, you know, around our peace and our purpose and what gives us peace and knowing how we’re going to show up, you know, babies being kind of the baseline.

That’s our focus for right now. But what do you see for yourself? How does someone still maintain the profits without casting a vision of working forever for themselves?

Kendra: that’s a good question. I mean, honestly, I feel like the business, um, and the accounting work and the CFO work, like, I feel like that’s just going to continue.

And, I have shifted to, um, expanding the team so that I can kind of back out of some of the day to day more, but the, uh, passion of serving women. in their businesses is, is there and will never go anywhere. Like I always want to be there to ensure that women are confident in their numbers, confident in their ability to create strategies and scale their businesses.

So that’s definitely not going anywhere. Um, but yeah, you’re right. I want to be able to do that while growing my family and while You know, having a real maternity leave this time, you know, like, so, yeah, I’m, I’m definitely learning as I’m going on how to, like, find that proper balance. But the, the biggest part for me right now is actually growing up, continuing to grow out that team so that I can back out of that day to day and just continue to support.

Women because women like we’re still the highest number of folks going into entrepreneurship and building businesses. We need the support so definitely going to continue down that

Nicole: do you think is the biggest transformation you’ve seen in yourself from then to now?

Kendra: from like when I first first met you. Oh nicole. How many have?

Nicole: cause here’s the thing, like people are going to follow up and they’re going to see you and they’re going to, cause this is going on YouTube, they’re going to listen to the, you know, they’re going to, you know, they’re going to look you up, they’re going to click and they’re going to see this incredibly composed, you know, I always tell people, I’m like.

You are the epitome of put together and like from the from the outside, you know what I mean? Like put together right like, you know accomplish but and all of that is very true, you know And I think part of working with finances are that people are so nervous with them that you can’t match that energy And I see that a lot in you where it’s like you really know how to remain calm and wise and clear, even if people are coming to you in chaos, you know, and that’s something you do very well and is required for the job.

But little do people know, like when I say, if I could make a list of like the softest,

Kendra: people I know

Nicole: life, you are like top

Kendra: you are like top

Nicole: are all like

Kendra: all like babies, and hugs, and love, and kisses. You

Nicole: you were just like, feels, feels, feels a little do people know, you know, like, you know, that is very much who you are.

And, you know, That has never changed. I think that I saw it a lot more before, you know, to now, because so much has happened. But, transformation wise, what is the number one thing you like about yourself now? You know, that you have grown and blossomed and hope to continue to grow. And then what do you think you’ve lost a little bit? That you kind of Either hope to rediscover or,

Kendra: Yeah. So if transformation wise, I’ll, um, I’ll actually say you had a lot to do with this. When I first, when I first met you, listen, it’s literally that story of when I first met you.

Nicole: I will never forget that

Kendra: I mean,

Nicole: life. I’ll

Kendra: changed my life pre meeting you pre that day. I was still in the closet. Yes. I was not yet married. Course you weren’t.

Nicole: know, you knew how

Kendra: you felt. I know how I felt

Nicole: I tell you, y’all don’t know when I met Kendra that day, she was so in love. I know. Cause I recognize it. Cause that’s how I feel now. This girl was like, I’m in love and I want to marry her. I know it’s going to be a thing. Mind you, they’re married now, got babies, blah, blah, blah.

You know, but as she was like, I don’t know, I have this business and I don’t know what I want to do. I was like, girl,

Kendra: But I was so.

Concerned about what would happen if I told because I was also still incorporated at the time So I hadn’t even told my boss and my boss was amazing and but I was fearful of telling him I was fearful of telling other folks at work I was fearful of telling the social media audience that I had built up for the business and I was like How is this gonna impact the business?

I was just so concerned but yet I saw you on stage living your best life Authentic life, talking about your relationship and your kids. And, you know, I was like, who is this beautiful black woman in this interracial, interracial relationship? Just like,

Nicole: whatever.

Kendra: don’t care what anybody says. This is what it is.

And so that’s literally why I went to that event. And then I got the fact that I got to actually talk to you and attempt to share that story with you through the tears and the, you know, sobbing, you know, I know you’re probably like, okay, wait, what? But okay. Um, but.

Nicole: were engaged like what? A couple months

Kendra: Yeah, I was engaged shortly after, which is when I was like, okay, you got to get this together because people are going to ask you about your fiance and now you have to actually like talk about this.

Um, nobody cared.

Nicole: was such a, like, I mean, when I tell you I was like. You were in tears. I thought you were gonna talk. Tell me something for real. I’m not even gonna lie. I was like, I mean, is she secretly broke to try to help people with finances? Because that’s what it is on this internet. You know what I mean?

I was like, nah, she’s in love. I was like, that’s not the thing. We’re not gonna make that the thing. Please go be in love.

Kendra: But that was the transformation. It was, it was coming out. It was, um, very shortly after then just living 100 percent authentically how I am and, you know, not caring about what the Instagrams and all of that had to say. And, man, like. Just the freedom on the other side of that was

Nicole: for your story too. Have you had any like women reaching out or anyone saying like, you know, just seeing you build this family? I mean, you have such a beautiful, like y’all have not seen her son. Like, listen. I literally am over here, like if you’re trying to cook, like you can crank out one or two of those for me.

I’ve asked you outright. I’ve said, listen, you make very good babies, like very cute. So, I mean, has anyone reached out

Kendra: Yeah, yeah, folks DM me and they’re just like, you know, thanks so much for like being this example and all. And I’m just like, that’s exactly what I was coming to you and saying, you know, thank you so much for being this example of being able to just show up and being you and not really caring, you know, um, because

Nicole: have a problem anyways.

Kendra: Regardless, um, but the, the impact that you had and, and that that meeting with you had and then to be able to like, work with you later as my coach and you know, like,

Nicole: just text all the time. I’m like, tell me the baby thing, girl. Let me tell you how this, can you believe this? Like,

Kendra: Yeah, I, that was definitely the biggest transformation and it’s just, it’s made a huge impact, um,

Nicole: you’re so, you’re so kind. That was really nice of you to come here and say that y’all, like, please, you have no idea, like, Kendra has me out here trying to get my body right, get my life right, have these babies every single day.

Kendra: I can absolutely pinpoint that as being, because pre that date, I was nervous. I was always, you know, I knew that I could do the thing. I could help people in their business. I can do all of that. But I was always like, but what if they ask about your partner? Or what if they ask about your family? And that’s like not a way to be.

Nicole: not the thing, isn’t it wild though when you, cause also let’s just 8 10 years ago, all of us were, It’s amazing, you think in your early 30s that you know something, you don’t know anything. Like, it’s amazing how, like, still, I guess almost 20s, like, you can be in your early 30s, and you don’t realize that until you’re in your early 40s.

And you’re like, oh wow, I was still really a kid. We worry about the wrong things. Like, the only difference in your 30s is that you’re actually doing it, but you’re worried about the wrong, like, the thing you’re most nervous about, you’ll admire someone else doing right, but they’re worried about other things, you know?

Kendra: Yeah. Yeah, that’s

Nicole: kind of you. But when I tell you, I didn’t see what you saw, you know, I was like, this girl’s got it together. And true proof evident happening. Now, if there’s something that you wish you could reclaim from that time, what do you think it would

Kendra: Oh, um, huh.

Nicole: Because so much has changed, you know what I mean? Like, like, I’ll even I’ll give you mine. So the thing that I wish I could reclaim from my 30s, like early 30s, the time that we met that phase, is I wish I could reclaim my tolerance for risk. I feel like I’ve gotten to the point now where it’s like, eh, you know what I mean?

Where it’s like, I will, you know, Take tiny

Kendra: risks if you will, but like between the babies,

Nicole: sort of my age knowing things are changing and maybe it’s just wisdom You know, maybe I’ll look back at 40 and be like, oh no, you were still risky It’s just that you got wise about the risk I don’t know, but when I was in my 30s if someone was like, oh, I’ll meet with you for five minutes I’m hopping on a plane to see you know what I mean?

And now I’m like, well, what do the kids need

Kendra: You know,

Nicole: know, am I tired or what to do? Tuesday giving, you know, like, you know

Kendra: know what I’m talking about. It’s the who all gon be there.

Nicole: you know, I didn’t use that as much. But then, you know, but now it’s like, it really is a thing. And I think there are times where I kind of miss that

Kendra: there are

Nicole: fire about like taking that risk, you know.

Kendra: ability to be very spontaneous. I am not that right now. Like I’m like, if it’s not on the calendar in advance, 100 percent planned out, I need the agenda ahead of time. And while that serves me well in my anxiety, well, you know, um, like I need that, you know, for that reason, you know, my wife would definitely let you know, like, okay, Kendrick, can we just,

Nicole: a little bit.

Kendra: just a little

Nicole: Alex is the same way. Yes. Yeah. What was it? It wasn’t yesterday. It was the day before that. He was like, Oh, I’m coming home early from the studio. Let’s do a date night. Whatever. We get home and you know what happens if you don’t have date night planned, it’s like 830. It’s like,

Kendra: Yeah. We just stay in. Yeah. I,

Nicole: we just stay in? And he’s like, no, let’s go out. We got to get out. We can’t always be in. We got to stay. And I’m like, well, I mean, but if we go out, it’s already nine.

Kendra: If you think about it for more than 15 minutes, it’s like, it’s done.

Nicole: It’s same thing with Netflix. If I have to look for a movie for 50 minutes at this

Kendra: point.

Nicole: Let’s go to bed.

You know, we’ll talk. We’ll stay up in bed on our phones.

Kendra: Right. Well,

Nicole: let’s have a date in bed on our phones. We’ll show we’ll show each other. Tick tocks. Isn’t that fun? You know what I mean? Like, I just, I gotta listen. Let’s not fight. Let’s make a promise right now. We’ll wrap on this to not find ourselves in a rut in three years

Kendra: rut in three

Nicole: flex enough.

We can flex a little bit more.

Kendra: put that in the calendar.

I’ll put a flex space on the calendar

Nicole: If that isn’t us right now, we’re like, all right, cool. Let’s schedule our spontaneity. I love it. I love to see it. Kendra, I love you. I’m so grateful that you’re here. I cannot wait for us to regroup and do this again in a year and we talk about our babies. going to be a blessing. Where can people find you? Where can they follow you? I know for a fact, y’all, please, please, you know, I don’t always send people anywhere. You’ve got to follow Kendra. She is your go to. If you love me for business, you know, things, she is a financial expert who is business minded, business oriented.

She has an incredible team behind her. I actively send her clients, you know, there’s, I send her people for sure. So, tell them where they can find you.

Kendra: the best place is going to be thefinancefem. com. That’s the website. or thefinancefem on Instagram as well.

those are going to be your best

Nicole: Oh, you have a podcast. Let

Kendra: Oh yeah, the podcast, Kendra Nicole podcast. so you can definitely just type in search Kendra Nicole and I’ll be there.

Nicole: Oh, so good. We’ll have the details in the show notes. You guys make sure you follow and Kendra. I cannot wait to have you back. I love you so

Kendra: love you too.

About This Episode

How you can achieve profits in your business while maintaining PEACE in your life,
What steps you can take to reclaim peace,
How Kendra reached her breaking point,
What type of financial support you may need in your business and life, and
What we’re doing differently now that we know better

Resources and Links mentioned in this episode:

Connect with Kendra Nicole HERE and on Instagram @TheFinanceFemme
Listen to Kendra’s podcast, The Kendra Nicole Podcast, HERE.
Let’s connect over on Instagram and Facebook!
Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
Friend I have been finding myself saying, “That is none of my BUSINESS,” lately. Listen to our recent chat about it – Listen here or Watch here
I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

About The Podcast

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Mind Your Business

by Nicole Walters | Mar 28, 2024

Mind Your Business

Have you noticed that we somehow, collectively, forgot how to mind our OWN business? In this chat we’re talking through the difference between being curious and the craziness that transpires when we forget entirely how to mind your business.

Have you seen the shift? We’ve got to have this chat, friend, because we’re all responsible. Because of that, we’ve all got to choose better.

Hit play so we can do better, together. Thanks for being here!

Nicole:

Hey y’all, I want to jump right in and I first want to acknowledge how sad this news is. This isn’t a headphone warning, but you probably already heard that Princess Catherine of Wales was recently diagnosed with an unspecified form of cancer. And if you didn’t hear, you know, um, I’m sad to deliver the news, you know, I am going to be really transparent.

You guys know how I am. I am African, right? So I’m not going to, it’s not missed or lost on me that, um, You know, the history of the royal family in the UK is fraught with everything from, invasion to colonizing to, you know, everything. I mean, so, I do want to be clear. As an African, I have very specific thoughts about sort of the, the royal dynasty.

But I also, will never, as Nicole Walters, not have humanity, you know, for, another woman, another mom. She has three littles, George, Louie, and Charlotte, you know, and she’s a wife, you know, and above all else, she’s just another person. And cancer, it’s non discriminatory, you know, and, uh, as, uh, for those of you who’ve been here for a while, you know that I’m, I’ve been personally impacted by cancer, uh, with my middle daughter, who was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma at, age 17.

And I’m really grateful because she is here. She’s healthy. She’s had completely clean scans after her rounds of chemotherapy and we just thank God for that. But having gone through the cancer journey with her and, you know, experienced difficulty of that, which is also detailed in my book, Nothing is Missing.

If you’ve read it, uh, it’s a New York Times bestseller. It’s on shelves everywhere. You know, I talk about, um, That trial in depth because it isn’t really something I’ve talked about in other places. But you know, for those who read the book, you know that besides being expensive and taxing on, you know, the kiddo or the family member who’s actually doing the fight.

Uh, for the family, everybody’s impacted. You know, my heart goes out to her because there’s nothing that, uh, really brings you down to earth. You know, you can have a crown on your head, but you will be absolutely human if you have to look at your babies and explain to them that mommy’s not well. And um, you know, that, that battle is a scary one to fight and it’s a diagnosis that no one deserves.

You know, cancer sucks. but all that being said, what I wanted to speak to is something I touched on on Instagram earlier this week, and I wanted to expand the conversation around it here. SoHave you been keeping up with KateGate? Because over the past about six weeks, it has been utter madness around Princess Kate’s diagnosis.

And when I tell you it was unbelievable. Some of the conversation that was being had everything from speculating as to where she’s been it all started with if you haven’t kept up with the KK because if you’re like me, you are one super busy right with the kiddos with life all the things but also I’m not that hip when it comes to the pop culture call me an old lady I think I’m getting to that window where I don’t even know who the musicians are anymore like is that Billy is that some little something I don’t know right I’m not that hip but what I will tell you is that if it even gets to me, the thing is too big.

Right? It is like, I know all the things that are really big. So the cake gate was a whole thing where basically the royal family announced formally as they do, you know, that she’s going into surgery for an abdominal surgery and that she’ll be recovering thereafter. And the reason why they made the announcement is because, part of the job of the royal family is to be.

ambassadors, if you will. So they often will represent both the UK as well as themselves as a family, through international charitable endeavors or at royal and state events. And so one of the main roles of Kate is to be that representative at those things. So if she is, if her schedule is sort of off the docket and she’s out for a while, then people will speculate because that information is public knowledge.

And part of why it’s public knowledge in the UK is because the royal family, lives off of taxes. They live off of personal wealth, um, and, you know, I just, I can’t not say it, you know, as an African woman. They live off of all the jewels and riches that they’ve stolen from other countries, particularly Africa and the Caribbean.

I gotta say it out loud, it’s true. We just go, look, you guys know how I am with grace, right? We can tell the truth, and it can be true, and we can still also have, have a heart for people going through hardship. The truth is, the royal family in the UK is very wealthy because of what they have, have stolen from others.

and they are living off of that, right? But because of the, the set up of the monarchy, They do have to share, you know, what they’re doing and where they’re going as their role within the royal structure. And they’re well loved, right? In the UK, people follow them. They’re like celebrities, you know, it is, you know, It is how it’s been, you know, since the beginning of time.

But, um, you know, it doesn’t change that there’s still people. So in any case, she announces and shares that she’s not going to be on the docket because she’s going into this surgery. Well, the response to that publicly was kind of like, Oh, okay, surgery. And I can honestly say it wasn’t, That big of a deal?

There was a little bit of speculation, like, oh, what type of surgery? Oh, man, we hope she’s okay, but it was no big deal. Well, soon after the surgery, uh, after the, you know, she went in, she wasn’t really spotted, you know, and a week passed, then another week passed, then a third week passed, and, uh, people started saying, like, hey, you know, we haven’t seen Kate, is she okay?

And, they did release a statement saying, yeah, you know, she’s okay, she’s fine, she’s just recovering, but that just didn’t seem to be enough. Now, I want to take you back to a little bit in history where, this isn’t unusual, right, for people to demand to see a member of the royal family immediately after hearing that they are going through a medical or physical procedure.

Um, I’m a little bit of a history nerd, but this was actually something that was a pretty standardized process, uh, that dates back to, uh, Way, way, way, way, way back when, like, so the first kings where after childbirth or after any sort of medical thing, or even if there was speculation that a king was hurt or a queen was sick or someone was ill, an appearance, a physical appearance of that Queen or king was required out of tradition so that everyone knew that the monarchy existed and that a power couldn’t be overthrown.

And it was, it was actually part of the process to physically see them because that was the only way to know they were still alive. So you will notice, and I’m sure mamas, you will understand what I mean when I say this. After, uh, Princess Kate had each of her children, she’s had three, within, I want to say like 48 hours or so, will usually do an appearance where she is fully dressed, fully decked out, holding the baby, and she does like a photo op from like a balcony near the hospital or back at home or something like that, right, near the palace.

And the reason she does that is out of tradition. It is out of tradition. She survived. The baby survived. Everything is copacetic. Here, here I am, right? Now, as mamas who have had babies, I have not biologically delivered, but I, I have heard, right? That is crazy. That is, can we just say out loud how insane that is?

It is that for the sake of tradition, we are making this woman, this human woman get up out of bed and put on traditional clothes. Y’all Kate was in there and like button up or in a button down, beautiful wool coat, you know, waving and smiling with perfectly coiffed hair and makeup. When I know she has one of those big diaper pads on, you know, she’s sitting there wondering when she’s going to poop again.

Right? Like her body has been through a controlled car accident. Okay. In terms of delivery. And she is out there standing and waving because people need to make sure she’s good. Cause a tradition, like send a sweet text, do a, do a tweet. I’m good. Here I am with the baby, cute little selfie, like everybody else with my hospital gown, hanging half off my shoulder and a little bit of sweat on my brow.

Let’s be real. Let’s be real. But speaking to tradition, there was concern because six weeks passed since her abdominal surgery, where. We had not seen Kate. The world had not seen her. And now, because of the internet, so much speculation. It goes from, did she make it out of the surgery? To, where is she? Did she run away?

To, is she cheating? To, you know, what is she up to? I mean, all of this, when I tell you, running the gamut. And then, there were, and this is where, um, You know, there’s a lot of talk about how the Royal Family PR team, because of course, you know, they have their own PR team, they have their own crisis management, they are a proper organization, where they let her down, where they started to release photos that had clearly been adulterated, right?

So they had old pictures that maybe had not been previously released or, you know, whatever, that they photoshopped to make it look like they were more recent. And everyone picked up on it, right? Like you can’t Photoshop Jack. You can’t put a filter on. We know the filters, you know what I mean? They’re not your lips.

That’s not your cheekbones. Like we know, right? And that is exactly what happened. So those got released and everyone was like, these are fake. And what is going on? Because that basically stoked the fire. People were like, if y’all are releasing fake photos, like, is this actually okay? And I will say, you know, pause on this, to the world’s credit, I would say it was probably like 50 50, right?

50 percent of people were legit worried. They were like, is she actually okay? Like, what did y’all do to this girl? Like, where did she go? And then 50 percent of people were just kind of like, conspiracy, conspiracy, like what’s happening in this world? Just nosy. So, there ended up being kind of a series of photos where everyone was like, this is fake.

And then finally, there is a physical appearance of Kate. Where they show her going apple picking or something. Uh, in an orchard on video with her husband, William. the next in line to be king. And Long story short, because the speculation had already started, people said that this wasn’t Kate, this was a body double, maybe it’s AI.

I mean, it was just a hot mess. It wasn’t enough to quiet the storm. And within a few days after that, a statement was released, and that brings us to kind of where we are today, because that was maybe, I want to say, Four days ago now and Kate sat in front of camera straight to the world where she shared that yes, she’d gone through a surgery and yes, she was in recovery and yes, it had been a while and, and she knows that everyone’s concerned and then she shared she’s dealing with a cancer diagnosis and that she’s going to be going through chemotherapy and she’s been dealing with telling that to her children as a mom and she really hopes that everyone respects her privacy.

Now, you can go online and Google and look at all the think pieces about people saying like is this really her singer statement? Is this AI? Is it, you know, because conspiracy theorists will conspiracy, right? Like that is what they do. But taking everything at face value, you know, and honoring this woman’s word at what she’s saying.

All I could think when I saw this statement, one was I hurt for her, like I was so sad because I know the journey she’s about to go on and when I tell you when you get a diagnosis like that in your family or in your home and For those of you who have received a similar diagnosis or in your family, in your home, or for those of you, you know, I pray never receive it or, but deal with other challenges.

It, it hits in a way where the last thing you want to do is worry about how someone else feels. I have barely processed. The time I’ve literally written a book about it. We are almost five years out from it My baby is healthy and well and I get to you know, hold her and touch her and everything But every time I lose someone to cancer and sadly it’s happening more often I just lost a friend about two weeks ago at age 31 to colon cancer and I When I tell you every time you lose someone you remember how lucky you are that you still have the people who have survived it including my baby and You just don’t it just recovery from that trauma is hard The last thing you want is to have to worry about massaging what other people think or expect you want to focus on the fight That’s where your mind should be So here we have this woman who is you know in the middle of a fight for her life Literally, with three young babies under the age of 10 on a public platform, felt that the priority was to massage the rumors, to address others feelings, and to lay to rest conversation.

That was distracting her from focusing on her fight. Now whether or not she had to do this at the prompting of the palace, you know, the firm, the organization, or she felt the need to do it herself, um, I could not shake, and I wonder if, and this is kind of where I want you guys to kind of tap into your hearts, your brains, your experiences.

I could not shake the feeling outside of sadness of, I should not be seeing this. Like, this is too much. This is not my business. Like, Princess Catherine of Wales, has cancer and it’s none of my damn business. And when I tell you, I find myself saying this more and more on the internet. As I watch content, as I see things on reality TV, As I listen to podcasts, I start wondering at what point did our own business become sufficient for us to mind?

I am learning things about people that not only do I not want to know, but I don’t need to know. I don’t know if I need to know the regularity of your bowel movements. I get it’s a wellness podcast and we’re all trying to improve ourselves, but is that something I needed to know? I don’t know if I need the in detail reporting around someone’s sexual proclivities and what happens in their bedroom.

Even if it is salacious or interesting or, there’s a curiosity that can be satisfied, I don’t need to know that. It’s, it’s, I don’t even know if I want to know that. Do I really need to know why someone got divorced? I mean, honestly, I don’t even know if I need to know if they got divorced.

It’s just none of my business. And I have to tell you that it had me thinking when I saw this very clear display of a woman prioritizing everyone else’s feelings and thoughts and expectations over her health, that I realized, did we break something in our society? Have we, have we forgotten? what it is to see the humanity in someone else and honor their boundaries.

How entitled have we become? And so I want to talk about that because one, this isn’t a chastising of all of us, right? Like, because there is something that we all share. And I want to be really clear about this. I don’t want us to feel guilty or weird in this emotion as we stand in it for a second, but we are all curious people.

That is humanity. I all day, I’m like, Oh, what’s the tea? Right. We all have our little, like, we want to know the, the juice, the gossip. Like that is the desire to know those things. That feeling, that inclination is super human. That is like a normal behavior to be curious. And it is normal to also feel good and to feel a release when that curiosity is satisfied.

Right. So if you’re like, man, I haven’t seen her. On her, her man on her social media for a while, right? Like, who hasn’t, look, I’ll raise my hand first. Who hasn’t known a couple, loved a couple, and noticed that they were always in stuff, see them on their social media, and then realize that, I haven’t really seen her fella in a while or whatever, and then done the scroll to be like, when was the last time I even seen them on?

Oh, she hasn’t posted him in a minute, right? Like, we’ve all kind of done that, that messy curiosity dig, right? And then we, we get the release when they finally say, Oh, we’ve had a divorce or we’re separated. And we’re like, Oh, and then we feel good because we say to ourselves, Oh my gosh, like I was wondering that thing.

And I, you know, and now I know. And, you know, so here’s where I think we’ve kind of tipped the scale after that curiosity is satisfied, if at all. Here’s what I noticed seems to be a bit of a divergence from what I grew up with. I think. Growing up, it was always kind of, oh, we wish them well, we pray for them, you know, we hope they’re okay.

Oh my gosh, that’s something. And maybe you might have in some back rooms amongst very close friends in a small group, we were kind of like, what’s going on? Are they okay? You know, or yeah, I heard she’s going through an illness and you know, whatever we need to be supportive. And usually that languaging goes around how to support, not to say people haven’t gossiped since the beginning of time, but you know what I mean.

Now? I just feel like we’re at a place where when that happens, we start doing a public speculation and then we start looking for supportive data to support our, our opinion. And then we roll with it and rewrite narratives that we think help that. So I want to take myself as an example. So I had a very long and complex divorce process, right?

And, I’d like to say that wasn’t my doing. I would like to say that, you know, it’s just that is how divorce is, right? It’s long and complex and, uh, it can be, right? And, I really took it very seriously to preserve the dignity of not just my ex, but as well as you know, what my children would have access to.

It was very important to me to keep it as private as possible. It was really important to me to not discuss with my peers, with my children, with the public, any intimate details around my relationship, around the nuances in my marriage, and if I did speak about my healing process and what I’ve gone through to really just talk about me and kind of where I am and what I’ve learned And that’s because part of my platform is sharing how I’ve grown and the lessons I’ve learned, but it’s never been a salacious thing.

So anyone who’s listened in, anyone who has tuned in consistently, both here or on Instagram or, you know, in any of my platforms, or even if you actually read my book, one of the number one pieces of feedback I get in my book is that, I love the way you maintained the dignity of your partner. Like I never revealed any like medical information or diagnosis or anything.

I just talked about the thing that happened in front of me and kind of my experiences with it. But I was always very careful to preserve the dignity of those that I write about. or that I speak about. And the reason I do that is because of something that I, a grace that I want afforded to me as well. No matter how people have shown up in my life or continue to show up in my life, it’s really important to me to extend them the grace and the opportunity to change.

And this is something that I think is missing in how we look at people on the internet or celebrities or anyone else. As they’re going through things, we are really quick to feel like we have a gotcha moment where we are, oh, I always knew there was something up with their marriage, or oh, I always knew there was something up with their health, or oh, I always knew there was something up with their body, or their business, or their money, or their whatever.

And then we, you know, look to kind of have this gotcha moment as if there are gold medals that are handed out, if you’re correct. You know, if we, if we see their suffering and we named it first, uh, we, we win. Right? And, um, and so it was really important for me to not do that because I didn’t want to create a narrative for someone that they couldn’t get out of, right?

Um, knowing that I have, you know, a platform and all that, it’s important to me that anyone in my life, my children especially, are able to write and be their own people. And to grow and change and enter new relationships and lives and worlds and careers and, and be who they are, right, and who they want to be.

Because the world we live in, you know, we can’t escape speculation. I have heard everything from, um, my current partner that I’m in a relationship with is, um, you know, doesn’t work or, you know, like, or, you know, That I pay him like you just hear the craziest things to my ex was physically abusive, which he was not categorically, you know, um, to, you know, we broke up because of cheating, which we did not neither of us at all.

I’m I’m not a cheat and I don’t cheat. That’s like not my character. I’m fiercely loyal. If you were to look at my, uh, sign, you would understand, right? I just, I do not play that. but all that being said, and, and my partner doesn’t either, or my ex didn’t either, you know, like, as far as I know, you know, that is not who he is, who he’s ever been, or who he’s ever shown himself to be.

So, um, That’s not something that happened there, but I never addressed any of those things because they just don’t, they’re nobody’s business, right? Like, it’s, it’s weird to think that that’s something that needs to be discussed, but I was shocked when, as much as I do share here, that people wanted to know more.

And that’s what I mean when I say when that curiosity transcends and, and slips into an entitlement to the knowledge and the fact that people will say, no, please hold this boundary. I am not sharing this information. And here is even the reason why I’m not sharing it because of my children, because of my own health recovery process, because of my mental state, because of whatever.

And. To only be told, well, this is the real reason you’re not sharing, and this thing must be true, and so on and so forth, right? We have got to do better. We have got to do better. When I tell you this speculation and this entitlement to pieces of people that they don’t want to share is harmful, it is dangerous, and it can actually cause people’s demise.

Some of the things that I have heard speculated about my children, about my partner, about my ex, even some of the things that people say about my ex, like I have to tell you, I may not be married to him, but I do not dislike that man. I do not wish him ill. Right. Like at all, like not even remotely, you know what I mean?

Like I do not have any, we are just not meant to be together. That is it. Right. It is not even, I don’t know if you can be with someone for that long. And like, Have like hate in your heart for them. I don’t have hate in my heart for him. There are things that I don’t like that he does to this date, but that, that’s not new.

Like even when I was married to him, I felt that way, you know? And when I hear people speak negatively about him, that doesn’t feel good. I don’t speak negatively about him myself. I, so the idea that other people take it upon themselves to say that, or even. Like phrasing like, uh, and this I’ve heard before, you got too good for him.

When I hear that on some levels, it’s offensive to me because yes, if someone improves themselves, they shouldn’t stay in a state that in a situation that doesn’t suit them, right? Like, duh, right? If you have a job that you are now, um, too skilled for, you should find a new job, right? But that’s also not what happened here because the implication that I got too good for someone is implying that like my, my ex is not good, you know?

And. That’s so unkind. It’s so unkind. And the idea that people feel entitled to details about anything is just so gross, so gross, and it’s so harmful. And, it’s not required to show up in the way that we need to show up our best in the world. In that time that Kate asked to just recover from her surgery, It took nothing of us to afford her that time.

It took nothing. We all have other things we can do. We’re all busy enough with our own lives. And the idea that we were so invested in speculating while this woman is navigating chemotherapy.

I mean, think about this. She’s navigating chemotherapy. And I pray that she had a force field around her that was keeping out the noise, but people were literally saying she was cheating on her husband. Like sit in that for a minute, sit in that for a minute. There are women who are going through divorce because they have been abused by their husbands.

And there are people saying she thinks she’s too good for him. While that very narcissist is echoing the same sentence and you are literally playing into the same harm. Like, think about that. People will hurt themselves. It is so dangerous to play that game. And then you have to ask yourself why. Why are you doing it?

What is the value? What was the value of playing that speculation around Kate’s life? Entertainment? Is that really worth it? And so all I can say is this, we have gotten into a culture where clicks and cash prevail and people will cross any line in order to acquire both of them. Frankly, they’re not even equivalent anymore.

It used to be that clicks turned into cash. People just want the clicks now. And that is sufficient, right? It’s a, it’s a, a currency of validation. That is enough. But I want to let you know, don’t play into it because if you play into this, understand that the trickle down arrives at your front door. If you continue to raise a, a child and a generation and a world where people feel entitled to cross your boundaries, Where they feel entitled to know pieces of you that are typically not Divulged and in our society have never been something that people need to know people don’t need to know how often you sleep with your Husband people don’t need to know, you know What you like to do with your husband, people don’t need to know how much money you make and the bills you have, particularly when that’s not their business.

That’s not what they do. I think that is also a huge part of what you need to be aware of. Why do you need to know about someone’s personal health and body wellness when their job is being a baker, right? If my job is baking cakes, why do you care if I got a boob job? Like we have literally gotten to a place in our society where we feel entitled to every element of someone, whether or not that is what they do.

And I have to tell you that that can arrive at your front door as well, because what I’m noticing from the next generation is that they’re starting to believe that they have to share everything publicly. When they don’t even have the brain development and filters to know what is appropriate to hold back and what is not.

So when they’re angry, they go on the internet, they share that piece, only to regret having shared that information. When they are in situations where they see a fight occurring, instead of calling 9 1 1, they take out their phone and record it. Because it matters more to get clicks and cash and they’d rather cross that boundary and, and turn what they’re seeing into entertainment because they don’t recognize that suffering is something that needs to be eradicated and not enjoyed.

And I have to tell you that we do have the opportunity to change that immediately and it starts within self. I’ve found myself now, if I’m scrolling through social media and I am triggered to say, Hey, What is this and why am I watching it? I start saying, you know what, I’m going to opt to do something else.

My energy and my mind and my brain deserves to be somewhere else. I do not need to consume things that are being fed to me in order to train and teach me to become comfortable. with boundaries being crossed. Because once you become comfortable with boundaries being crossed, then you will have your own foggy grayness around what is appropriate to share and what is appropriate not to share.

And once people can get to you that way, then you lose total control of self. I have to let you know it’s a bigger issue, and it is an issue that doesn’t just exist solely. solely with influencers, personalities, and celebrities. If your brain even says to you, well, those people chose to be public, well, those people make money.

And so that is the price they pay for being public figures. Well, that’s why I don’t want to be famous. I want to be abundantly clear. When you see video footage of kids fighting on social, everybody in that video is broke. And yet now their worst and lowest moment will be what defines them. Because people didn’t understand that they needed to get in and step in the way of suffering rather than turning it into entertainment for the masses.

Understand that this mindset that you think is exclusive to people who have elected to have public visibility will now come to you as well. And we just can’t play into it. We have to identify and call it out and say this isn’t appropriate. That we should not partake in enjoyment of suffering and, and we shouldn’t be looking at someone and projecting and, and, uh, wondering whether or not it’s, it’s good and fun to have conversation about.

It’s not. It’s gross. It’s wrong. It’s weird. Now, we can be curious. Yes. We can say, this is interesting, let’s look at a historical background of what these things might mean. That’s not uncommon, they do that politically all the time. You know, it’s not uncommon to, uh, you know, talk about what you do know. If you watch the news, this is very, like, if there’s a situation, they’ll say, here’s what we know.

And they’ll repeat that over and over and over and over again. Because that is what responsible news is. Is that is what responsible reporting is what it looks like is. Hey, we are at the scene. There’s breaking news. This is what we know. And we will report more when we know it as fact. This is what we know.

So if you’re wondering, what is the line, Nicole, to T? You can talk all day about the T that you know. Verified, fact based, actual. You cannot continue to then go into, this is what I think it is, based on things I don’t actually know. And I’m also going to bring this speculative mess to the front door of the person who is suffering.

Once you cross into that, you are becoming entitled to things that do not belong to you. You are no longer minding your business and what you are doing is harmful. And so I say all of this to say that, look, I’m practicing it also. I am the queen of unsolicited advice. Look at me right now, screaming in your ear about how we need to do better.

I need to do better too. I am not exempt. But I also will say that if we do this collectively together, we’re going to build a world that is better, not just for us, but for our kids, where our kids are going to return to a value system that isn’t based on being selfish, that isn’t based on being entitled, that isn’t based on, on crossing people’s boundaries for the sake of entertainment, because nothing matters more than popularity.

And We’re getting to a point where we need to put our foot down and say that this is what matters most. It’s why all of our kids want to be influencers, because they feel like that is what matters the most. It’s the number one job that kids say that they want nowadays, is to be an influencer or video gamer.

Like, we’re responsible. We’re responsible. Look at what you’re consuming. Analyze it for whether or not it’s your business or if it does anything and brings value to your life. And if you find yourself wanting to cross that line where you feel entitled to more information or you want to speculate publicly or even in a gossip style way or comment, resist.

Because you have no idea the harm that you could be causing upon someone that doesn’t deserve it. And even more so, you don’t want that someday to be you. Friend, we can do better together. We can grow. And I’m in it with you.

In this episode we chat about:

KateGate and how our curiosity seems to be unleashed,
What we are entitled to as consumers and creators on social media,
How we all play a role in the positive and negatives changes we see, and
Why this issue of minding your business is not just for celebrities and influencers

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

Let’s connect over on Instagram and Facebook!
Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
Don’t miss our last chat about Middle School and raising teenagers – Listen here or Watch here
I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

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When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

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Mind Your Business

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