Mama Knows Best

Mama Knows Best

Mama Knows Best

This chat is one you won’t want to miss! My guest is probably the most important person I have ever had on the podcast before! For decades you’ve been asking to meet her. In this chat, you get to meet my mother and hear her take on if I’ve always been this way, where she learned to give, and if she is still waiting on more grandchildren!

Friend, this chat is guaranteed to be make you laugh, teach you something, and perhaps give you a new perspective on your own life.

I am so honored and privileged to introduce you to my mother! Thanks for being here, friend. Drop into my DMs on Instagram or Facebook with a few lessons you’ve learned from your own parents so we can learn, together.

Family Matters

Family Matters

Family Matters

Friends, it turns out that who your partner’s family is is important. Did y’all know this?! This was news to me but not to Alex – he’s been making partner choices based on their family for years!

In this chat, Alex and I chat about why your extended family matters! We both share our previous experiences with our partner’s family and how it led us to leave or stay in the relationship.

The fact is every family is different and there’s no shame in that but is their “different” good for you?

Ruining Relationships?!

Ruining Relationships?!

Friend, you know that I’m committed to bringing experts and highly qualified people to chat with us, in inform us, and to help us make moves to a better life. For those reasons, I’m so excited to bring you into this chat with Dr. Patrick McGrath, Chief Clinical Officer of NOCD.

In this chat with Dr. McGrath, we talk specifically about relationship OCD and how it differs from anxiety, personality disorders, and general worrying.

With therapy, the first step can be the hardest but after that each step tends to be easier. NOCD provides effective, affordable, and convenient virtual therapy for all types of OCD and I encourage you to learn more at http://Nocd.com and schedule a free 15-minute call with their team.

I Am Not Explaining Myself

I Am Not Explaining Myself

I’m Not Explaining Myself

This whole season we have been talking about surrendering and the peace we can acquire from doing so. In the process of letting go in my own life, I’ve had to confront my habit of over-explaining. To put is simply, I’m not explaining myself, friend!

Are you with me? You know when someone in your life drops the ball and you feel as if you need to equip them with more information so it won’t happen again? Or they are misunderstanding you so you feel as if they need more from you to understand?

Well, that just isn’t it – at least not all the time. Letting others learn the lessons they’re meant to learn is freeing and necessary for everyone involved. Thanks for being here for this chat. Let’s get into it!

Nicole:

So friends, I want to tell you about something that has changed my life and that I really think is going to create major shifts in yours. Now, I’ll start with a little bit of a story. So if you’ve read Nothing is Missing, which is my New York Times bestselling memoir, I talk a lot about my childhood and how I grew up with a father who, uh, was narcissistic and, um, You know, through his own traumas of his own and honestly, I will say some of it I think is kind of cultural and but that’s a conversation for another day, but in African culture, there’s this concept called tiger parenting.

Tiger parenting is the American westernized term for it, and you may be familiar with it, but tiger parenting is basically you are raising adults, not children. And so what that means conceptually is that your sole job as a parent is to raise these children by treating them like tiny adults.

So, I personally believe that it’s a little of column A, a little of column B, right? You want to make sure your kids are being taught the skills that they need to have in order to survive in the world, right? We don’t want to raise entitled little brats who are walking around feeling like everyone owes them something and that they aren’t responsible to anyone.

But, because, you know, evolution, growing up in America, if you will, or just better exposure to the value of therapy, I really understand the importance of empathy and emotional intelligence and that’s a huge part of how I raise my kids as well, is making sure they understand that they have privilege and that they’re, they need to extend others grace and that they need to spend time listening and hearing what other people are dealing with.

And so. All of those things being said, I didn’t grow up with any of that. And I think a lot of us can relate to that, whether you are, have old school Southern parents or parents that grew up just a flat out different generation or immigrant parents. You know, tiger parenting is really, really, really common.

And what ends up being the outcome of tiger parenting can affect kids in different ways. So if you were the elder child, if, and you guys, y’all can Google this. They’re so, So much like documentation and just it’s amazing the evolution of information that’s coming out in relation to this Because and I hate to say it but our generation’s getting older, right?

So we’re finally the ones writing the papers and we’re writing about what matters to us But if you were the elder child This style of parenting whether it was full blown narcissism or just a cultural clash of values and parenting methods but what happens is that You’ve become almost parentified and parentification is basically your job is to stand in the role of the parent.

So it’s not just this sort of latchkey kid concept, where, you know, you came home, your parents dropped you off, and you, you know, kind of took care of yourself and fended for yourself after school, and maybe then you played games, or ran down to the lake, or climbed trees. No, this is like full on parent to father.

Which means you raised your siblings and sometimes you had to, especially in immigrant households, act as a translator or go pay bills or you know, maybe even get a job early. And you know, that leads to tons of different traumas. However, if you were the elder child in particular, or the only child, a lot of the trauma related things that come from this style of parenting or exposure.

are celebrated in our society. We are seen as being the hyper productive, perfectionist, overachievers. I mean, you’re the ones with eight Ph. D. s or you’re the super moms or you’re highly functional people. But we usually also have like a crippling anxiety, you’re overworked, you have an inclination to be burnt out, you are, over committed, you know, all the time and you over deliver often, but usually at the expense of your own wellness.

Now, I know we jumped right in there. I’m going to pause for a sec. Some of you are hearing all of that and saying, Nicole. Ease up. I did not ask to be attacked on this episode. Okay? Okay, I get it. This is me. Right? Or you’re married to this person. Or you are siblings with this person. Or you see this person at work.

Now, another thing that happens as a byproduct of this sort of, uh, It is a form of trauma. Traumatic background is even though the outcome in your life may be that you have the house and the car and all these things, you may suffer in terms of balance and joy and energy and wellness, but one of the other things that is a common outcome that I’m starting to learn about that is just changing my life is These people are, and I say these people, that sounds so weird, me, me included, hand raised, but, uh, people who’ve had exposure to this sort of background often are, um, huge people pleasers.

And people pleasers are, uh, people who worry so much about, again, that perfectionism aspect, making sure that they’re making people happy, they’re, uh, people with flexi boundaries, you know, so their boundaries are one where they are more than willing to, you know, sacrifice themselves on the behalf of others.

easily subjected to being manipulated and or feeling heavily guilty if they aren’t meeting others expectations, whether or not that is in alignment with their own. it is a really unfortunate byproduct because you basically are that person who is such a hard worker and then people who may be less than that.

thin hard workers will attach themselves to you and like, leech off of you, right? And I know right now some of y’all are nodding your head like, no, not me. Yes, I’m exhausted. And one of the things that I learned is a very common attribute that I really want to focus on today that I’ve been working on in the past, I’d say like six months or so, um, is overexplaining, like overexplaining your feelings, overexplaining, what you mean, uh, over explaining when you, when you feel like you’re misunderstood.

And again, heavy emphasis on feel like you’re misunderstood. And I say that we’ll actually just address that part now. A lot of times in this situation, you may feel like you’re misunderstood when people understand you perfectly well. That was a sentence my therapist said to me. And when I tell you, it changed my life.

It changed my life. My therapist was like, Nicole, I want you to know that people can understand you perfectly well. They can know that you are right. They can understand that what you’re saying is clear. They can understand that what you’re saying makes sense and they can still be choosing to misunderstand you and do whatever they want to do because that’s just what they want to do.

When I tell you the freedom I had from that, I’m going to say it again briefly for those of y’all who didn’t catch it the first time, People can know that what you are saying makes sense. That it is practical and that you are correct and it is even in their interest to do the thing you are telling them to do and they can still do what they want to do, cause harm to themselves and others and not care and look you in the face and act like you’re wrong.

I was like, how is that possible? That doesn’t seem logical. What are you talking about? No, sometimes people just want to do what they want to do. They don’t care if it makes sense or not. And when I tell you, I was so freed when I, when it really just like sank in. Like, no, some people just like mess. And for those of y’all who are under 40, I hope that this really is meeting you at the right time and you get to benefit from the over 40 crowd.

Because over 40 crowd, this is something that just comes into your life in general. Because over 40, you get a certain level of tired and exhausted where you don’t have the energy to even get into it with people as much. So the blessing I’ve had in the past six months is as I’m You know, healthily in this 40 year old club, I’m a natural energy of doing less with others hot mess, right?

But this over explaining thing that I used to do looked like this. I would have Disagreements with people in my life, various relationships, anything from family to people I’m like dating or, employees, you know, where people would come to me and they would disappoint, right?

Disappoint or let me down, or they would fail to do something that they agreed to do, or they would fail to do something that is generally understood by the masses as a moral or ethical obligation, right? Like, this is just, and I’m just talking about things that are like, not of question, right? Like, oh, you said you would pay that bill on time?

Obviously you would do it. You did not do it, and thus we have an issue, right? And what would happen is, I, of course, would say, this is surprising to me that this thing didn’t occur. Was there a misunderstanding around said task? Did we not, like, because grace, right? Benefited the doubt. Where, what happened here, right?

What happened here that this thing did not occur? And I know for some of y’all right now, you’re like, exactly, right? The grace is asking what happened here. And then said party, you know, in whatever manifestation of these moments would then proceed to give me A variety of reasons, like, you know, well, I didn’t have all my information or, oh, I started, but I ran into this problem or, oh, I wanted to, but you know, this other thing came up or, oh, I’m suddenly overwhelmed or, oh, I, you know, failed to communicate, blah, blah, blah, or, oh, you know, you didn’t give me enough time or whatever the thing was, right?

And so then what would happen, and here’s a shift from where I was and where I am, right? What would happen is I would then proceed. To try to re explain what the original task was, make sure I really asked a lot of questions and understood where the, where the failing was. Which often led to a situation where that person would, I guess, in their awareness of maybe how unaligned their response is, is a nice way I can say it.

Understanding that, like, look, like there’s no excuse for me not doing the thing I’m supposed to do, right? Like, just kind of, because people would dance all day around, like, the fact of the matter. So, I, and they would just sit there and explain it. And I would just get into these circles, oh lord, these circles of, like, just going back and forth, back and forth, you know, with this person.

When ultimately, again, we’re talking about what was and what is, I would then realize, oh, I don’t even need to say all that. The thing was not done. And getting to the point of understanding where things are clear or where I feel like they clearly understand what I’m saying and they’re not putting this back on me as something that I needed to figure out that, you know, whether the failing is mine and communication or theirs, the task did not happen.

That could have happened in two seconds. Or even better, if a person telling me they want to do something, because also, I’ll just own this, this even comes up in my relationship. And I don’t think Alex will mind that I’m telling this story, you know, where, And ladies, you’ll understand this too in your partnerships, you’ll watch your, your, your guy wanting to do something and it’s something you ask them to do, but you know, for a fact that the way they’re approaching it is going to result in surefire disaster, or it’s going to result in additional hardship or more work or whatever, but at the end of the day, you ask them to do it.

And so, and you don’t want to do it. So you have to figure out a way to sit there and let them do it their own way and be okay with it. And that is something I have really worked on in my present relationship. And, um, and it’s been a real blessing because I’ve grown as a person in general in recognizing that I cannot sit here and over explain to him how it needs done because that is as much mental labor and exhaustion as him just doing it.

So, Even when he comes to me and he says, like, there’ll be, especially because I do business, y’all, you know, he’ll come to me because he’s an entrepreneur as well, or, you know, he works for himself. He will say, um, Oh, well, I’m thinking of taking this thing on and I will want to business him down. I’ll be like, you need this step, this step, this step, this thing needs to happen.

And I’m like, why am I even explaining all this? Because he just wants, he’s going to go and do what he wants to do on some level. He’s going to do what he wants to do. Why am I even? And so I’ve just started being like, okay, well, that sounds great. The freedom I get from just letting people be, letting them sit in what they want to sit in, letting them work through their issues.

Y’all, when I tell you today on today, free yourself. Let people live in their mess if they want to be in their mess. Let people misunderstand you if they are committed to misunderstanding you. Let people think whatever they want to think about you. Uh, if you listen to, I think. Maybe three or four episodes ago, um, I actually had Alex on here and we were chatting about sort of the baby process, you know, how we’re really making changes in our lives and we are really trying to make sure our, our home, our spirit, our energy, our bodies are all the way together so that when, um, the time comes to really start this baby journey, that we are as prepared as one can be for babies.

And I have to tell you, one of the biggest things I’ve been working on is not allowing people to get my blood pressure up. Like, people are not going to stress me out, not on today, not when, not when I want my body to be a vessel that can safely cook without additional stress and anxiety this child, right?

So if I’m going to let my body be that, that also means I’ve really got to accept that People are going to come at you left, right. There’s going to be all these sorts of things, even in the work day. Like, you’ll get on the phone and you’ll be like, Oh my gosh, I’ve got, you know, 15 calls to make. I just need everyone to be where they need to be.

And there’s definitely going to be something that’s thrown off. And I can’t get invested in, uh, over explaining or going through all these different steps to make sure things happen and also recognizing that through both Jesus, Lord, please help me, you know, and therapy, Lord, I need to help myself, right?

I have got to acknowledge that the, the need for I wouldn’t call it perfection, but precision, as well as the desire to make sure that I am meeting all my marks so that I don’t let people down because I’m responsible to a lot of people, my, my, my spouse, my kids, my community, you know, there’s only so much I can do.

So friends, here’s a couple of places that this may be showing up in your life right now with your kids. I gotta tell you, the surrender of letting your kids make the mess and learn is real. It’s, I feel like it’s a little bit easier when they’re younger because the messes are a little bit more predictable, a little bit more manageable, and at the end of the day you can, you know, kind of pick them up and move them.

Like, little meaning like, you know, 10 and under, right? Like toddlery, you can just like pick them up and move them. So you see them carrying something that they maybe shouldn’t be carrying because it’s a little bit too many things and you know it’s going to spill, but you let them kind of live and then you’ll, you’ll pick it up and clean it up.

But now they’ve learned. But I also mean like even in some of the teenage year stuff, like Puffin came in the other day and she’s, you know, our Allie is our 12 year old and she is, she turns 13 this year. So she’s in full on teen mode. And, If you know anything about natural hair, I used to be a curly hair blogger, uh, really, really, uh, kinky, curly, tight, coiled hair, um, is not something that you can wear down, like not in braids or put away, very often because if you do it, it tangles, um, and it just requires a lot of management and products.

She is now starting to experiment more because she’s fully in that teen girl age where she wants to wear different Hairstyles and she you know likes to play in her hair a little bit more. She’s getting more independence around that But for the most part, I’m still doing her hair, you know and keeping up her styles just to make sure that You know, she doesn’t deal with like knots and tangles and things of that sort.

Well, we kind of, we’re starting to split the responsibility so that she can, you know, put it in a ponytail here and there and do different things as she learns and takes on responsibility. Well, for the very first time last week, I um, you know, come out for breakfast in the morning before she leaves for school and she’s got her hair just like kind of out in a full front.

And one of the things I said to her was, Hey, you know, your hair looks super cute. I mean, you look great like this, and I love this style on you. Um, however, you know, we’ve talked a little bit about, you know, how important it is to maintain our hair being detangled, and that’s actually part of why we do protective styling, is to make sure our hair stays healthy because it’s put away.

So, um, I know that you’re excited to wear your hair out in a fro and, you know, you have the freedom to do that. However, I do want to let you know there may be some outcomes that you did not expect in doing this at the end of the day. And she kind of looks at me and she’s like, okay, because teenager. And I’m like, yeah, you know, I was like, so, you know, some of those outcomes may be that you’ll have additional detangling.

You may need to wash it. Your hair is going to get a little bit drier, you know, and a lot of the things you don’t enjoy about hair maintenance, you’re going to have a lot of at the end of the day, if you wear your hair out. And she’s like, okay, well, I don’t, I don’t see the problem. Now pause on a minute.

Right? This is a place where mama could have gotten into detail. She could have pulled up YouTube videos. She could have illustrated or I could have taken the other mama route, which is please just go do what I say because I said it. Now I want to let you know that’s not the route I ever take with my kids.

I, I’m really big on if you’re old enough to ask the question, you’re old enough to get the answer. But the part that I’m doing for my own personal growth is surrendering people to learn their own lessons as they deserve. And so, um, you know, I, I said, you know what? You’re right. If you feel comfortable, that’s totally fine.

Um, I can share with you that, you know, the outcome may be a little bit more than you anticipate, but, if you need to cross that bridge when you get there, that’s totally fine. Have a great, you know, have a great day. You do look beautiful no matter what. And so she decides to wear her hair out, and as expected, you know, hair’s super tangled.

as anyone who has curly hair or frizzy hair knows, like, the way it starts in the morning is not how it ends up at the end of the day. And so she comes back in and she is just like, don’t even say anything. And just like goes back to her room and changes her hair and, you know, uh, watches it, puts it back and all that.

And it has been put away for the rest of the week. And she has, you know, learned. what she needed to learn in her processing. And I have to tell you, not saving and rescuing people from learning the lesson that God has for them is one of the kindest things you can do. And um, it can be tough sometimes, right?

With our kids, especially as they get older. And again, if you read my book, Nothing is Missing, you know that this is something I’ve gone through with through all ages, not just a teenager with a ponytail, but my older girls who are 24 and dealing with things like recovery, you know, My eldest one, she is now a little over a year sober, and I’m so, so proud of her.

And, you know, she’s got her own place and her own car and she’s been at her job for a while. I mean, she’s really stepping into adulthood, but, you know, that didn’t come without challenges. and I fully take responsibility in my mom role where, you know, I really wanted to help her as much as possible.

And there are times where I really have to reconcile that. I hope I didn’t delay her, um, even though I facilitated her entry into, you know, rehabilitation and, you know, detox and that process, uh, when she finally came to me and was ready. I think of all the times before where she was struggling and had difficult moments and, I went to her rescue, you know, whether it was restocking her fridge or helping with her housing or, you know, something of that sort, you know, and parenting in that capacity because at the time it felt right.

I don’t have guilt about it because I think I did the right thing with what I had then and and it was the right thing overall because of where she is now, um, but sometimes I look at it and I think of how much I’ve developed both as a parent and a person. And I think, gosh, how many times and what would the outcome have been if she had to absorb the fullness of that situation?

and, you know, this stage of my life where. because of my own health and well being, I can’t help but let people absorb the fullness of their situation, uh, which includes not benefiting, ooh, I just had a whole moment, ooh, ooh, word y’all, not benefiting from the attributes that I’ve had to develop in order to save myself, right, by choosing to opt out of their drama and not save them when they’re in what they’re in.

And I really want to extend that to you as well. And, you know, over explaining is just one element of it, but y’all, We have these people in our lives who are so used to using us as crutches, you know, and are so used to, you know, having us step in there and we don’t even realize we’re doing it because, one, I mean, all the society stuff around how women are supposed to be nurturers and caregivers and, you know.

You know, we’re supposed to give until we can’t give no more, especially if you’re a Christian, you know, just, Oh, give, give, give. Right. And I don’t say it like it’s a bad thing, but like, gosh, not to, not to your last, you know, like not where you don’t have enough for the rest of your children or, you know, for your own health and wellbeing.

And y’all, I can’t tell you the transformation of me saying someone is old enough. where they can absorb the fullness of their actions, and they can save themselves. And even better, if they don’t save themselves in this situation, the learning experience and the consequences and the lessons of this will be so tremendous in redirecting their lives.

I don’t want to spare them the lesson God’s trying to teach them. And aside from that, I think I don’t want to exert the extra energy of trying to explain what is to come. I don’t want to exert the extra energy of trying to help them see what they don’t want to see. And there’s levels to this. You know, there’s levels to letting go, to that surrender, to that relinquishing, to not trying to rescue.

Even that co worker at work, y’all, how many of y’all will stay late doing that extra work for that co worker and covering because you’re like, well, I don’t want the company, blah, blah, blah, or I don’t want this. Y’all, it ain’t your company. They’re not paying you extra to save them, and that person’s still going to take the credit.

And now you’re just showing up extra tired at home for your kids. Please. There’s nothing wrong with giving a little if you think that it’s going to be reciprocated, but half the time, you’re not getting any reciprocity. If anything, you’re borrowing from the bank of your own wellness. And I think that that cost, that price, It’s a little bit too high.

So friends, I know that we have so much pride in being the go to. I know that it can feel so good to know that you can step into a situation and, and have the answer. And on many levels, we’ve, we’ve only ever operated this way. So we don’t know any other way to be, but I want to let you know there’s levels to this.

It’s not just about letting go and surrendering. It’s also about realizing that it isn’t even always your job to point people in the right direction. Sometimes, not only is the journey theirs, but so is drawing the path to get there.

 

IN THIS EPISODE, WE CHAT ABOUT:
  • Why I’ve stopped explaining myself, always, to others,
  • How doing so has given me so much freedom and may for you too,
  • Why we tend to over-explain, and
  • What to do if you find yourself explaining to others over and over again
RESOURCES AND LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
  • Let’s connect on Instagram HERE
  • Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
  • Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
  • Did you build a life that burns you out consistently? Friend, I’ve been there! Listen here or watch here.
  • I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!
MORE ABOUT THE NICOLE WALTERS PODCAST:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Kids withOUT Social Media, feat. Ally Walters

Kids withOUT Social Media, feat. Ally Walters

Did you hear about the ninth grader that was the last person in her grade to get a phone? Friend, this is a hot button issue so today we’re chatting with the leading expert in MY house on all things middle school, my daughter, Ally!

Ally shares what is really going on at her school when it comes to phone usage, how she feels about her own phone and our policies, PLUS what it’s like growing up as an introvert (living with two extroverts!)

I’m so proud of how the tips Ally shared in this chat and I know you’ll feel similar, friend! Hit play to get a little dose of middle school life and how we’re managing tech!

Escaping Your Life

Escaping Your Life

Years ago I couldn’t imagine living a life that I didn’t need a constant break from. What I thought was self care was actually me escaping from the stressful life circumstances that I had created. But what if escaping your life isn’t the answer?

Friend, in this chat we’re diving into what I’ve learned in order to build a life that I don’t need to escape from. If you can relate, this chat is for you!

Are there boundaries you need to put in place? Something you need to walk away from? Friend, it’s up to you.

Thanks for being here! Drop into my DMs @NicoleWalters with your next move.

Nicole:

Hey friends. So in Nothing is Missing, one of the things that I discuss pretty regularly is the impact on my health of the lifestyle that I was living. And there’s a particular quote that I want to call to the front today for our chat, which is, “You can drown surrounded by life preservers. You can drown surrounded by life preservers. And what does that mean? It means that having the inability to ask for help, or even worse, you’ve managed to collect the resources that you need to save yourself, but not use them, is not just foolish, right? Like, why even let that happen if you’re struggling?

But it’s an essential attribute that we all have to overcome in order to get better. And You’ve all followed me here on my journey through becoming a mom, you know, to my three girls, for those of you who followed me online, to navigating my marriage, if you go back to some of our chats from season one and season two, I’ve, I’ve discussed regularly about the struggles I was having in my first marriage, with my ex about, uh, divorce and how hard it was.

I did a whole episode about during the pandemic, how, I mean, we were really going through it. And ultimately that led to our divorce. I think that it was kind of a reckoning moment, you know, at least for me, where a push came to shove and I had to, you know, make some shifts and we’re going to talk about that more today.

But, You know, I’ve talked a lot about how through all these seasons of cancer and, you know, a TV show and building a business and mothering and that I was feeling my external decision making and my inability to either leverage the support that was present or create support systems that I needed, how it was impacting my body.

And I. Know that you hear this everywhere that stress shows up in the body first for me. It was through my blood pressure was very high and my I had headaches and eventually got to the point where I had facial paralysis and you know depression obviously was a standard that I think a lot of people feel anxiety and and just general fatigue and burnout burnout being The inability to make decisions, the apathy, you know, apathy meaning, you know, really looking at your work, something that you may have typically been passionate, passionate about.

This is what I always use as one of my first indicator signs. So if any of you are feeling this and raising your hand on this one, you may be experiencing burnout. One of the first things is you take things that you love. Whether it is like, man, I typically love like, you know, hanging out with my kids or going to their soccer games, or you take things you love, like, man, I used to love my job and my business and my company or this aspect of my job, you know, visiting the kids or being hands on or doing the project, and all of a sudden, you can take this whole job and shove it right when you start feeling like I don’t even care what happens here anymore.

I’m not going, I’m not checking for this, you may be experiencing burnout, you know, it’s not that the job itself has changed so much, it’s that you’re over it. Um, I was definitely experiencing all of these things and I feel myself getting emotional about it because it’s kind of, I’m taking you guys back with some of the knowledge that comes in your 40s, you know, looking back on, believe it or not, we’ve been in these conversations for over a decade now, um, you know, You guys can scroll back, you can Google back, you can look back at old videos and lives and see where I was as young as 26, 27, and where I am now in a new marriage and in a, you know, new form of parenting because I have older children and we’re looking to start and expand and grow our family and a new city and a new life and the thing I can tell you when I was talking about this.

This episode, this chat we’re having is inspired by a conversation I had with one of my sweet, dear friends, Koya Webb. If you don’t follow her on the internet, she’s like a super powerhouse woman, yoga instructor, brilliant. Uh, we just did a chat on her podcast and, um, we were talking about how so many of us get really good at identifying the hardship and struggle in our life.

But we never make the actual changes to make sure we don’t return to it. And one of the things that’s really beautiful about where I stand here today is that I can actually look at the changes that I made to make sure that certain habits and Outcomes and impacts of the past are no longer there. And I really want you to be with me on this conversation here.
And I want you to really think about where you are right now. So many of us will eventually get to the place where we will either be invited by the people around us or forced to sit our tails down when we’re too tired.

So. We’ll say, I’ll take the day off, or I need a long weekend, or why don’t we take a quick little three day vacation, or I’m going to do a little bit less work, or I’m going to come home early. Now, I’m throwing all these things out knowing good and well, some of y’all right now are nodding your heads being like, I need to, she’s not talking about me.

That’s what I need to be better about, right? So you’re already in a different camp, right? Where you feel that burnout and you take a couple days off. But what I want to say to you right now, as someone who is. I think really finally having my eyes open as I am closing loops and closing tabs and really looking at chapters of my life that I’ve been carrying for as long as four years really being done.

And by four years, I mean things like my divorce, my divorce forever. It took forever from separation to final signing. It took forever, longer than the average. It was, it was difficult. It was contentious. It was, challenging. And, uh, you know, for a plethora of reasons, you know, but, ultimately, you know, it’s done.

And I, and also when I say for a plethora of reasons, like divorces are not easy, period, right? And the issues are rarely the paperwork because, uh, that’s just math, right? Like you get this, you get that, it’s decided by a judge, if that’s where it goes, whatever. It’s always the emotions around what people think they’re owed or what people think the outcome should be or what people are willing to do or not do.

And again, this is not speaking to my ex. Um, I am only speaking about myself. Um, Because I have all of those feelings too, you know, of what I think is appropriate or what I felt should be an appropriate outcome, especially with consideration of You know, pre existing children and, you know, all of that. So these are all like really normal, standard, generic divorce things.

And how you work through them is usually indicative of the communication skills you might have had in your marriage. So if you were struggling with that in your marriage, you better believe you’re going to struggle with it in divorce, right? I say this to say that as these chapters start closing in your life, you know, so for you maybe it’s going through an intensive medical experience where you’re like, okay, I’ve gone through that first round of chemo or a difficult season of your kid’s life, like middle school, whatever it is, as you start closing things, these things out, you’re able to look at them a little bit differently.

And, That’s where I am now. I’m in a very special time in my life where for those of you who follow online, you probably are noticing I’m getting ready to celebrate, um, my marriage with my, uh, husband, Alex, you know, where we’re having a wedding and we are really excited to gather our friends and family to really celebrate our union And so I’ve got, I’m getting a chance to do this incredible, beautiful thing that I’ve never done in this way before and is so deeply meaningful.
Um, and our wedding celebration is a bigger thing. It’s a bigger thing than just a wedding because it is the culmination of You know, getting through a divorce, you know, and you know, part of which he had to be incredibly supportive on on the tail end, you know, and getting through, you know, transitioning littles into our life, you know, we, you know, Alex has been solo raising, um, Allie, our littlest one for over two years now, you know, and just becoming a family.

Again, you know, and acknowledging and recognizing families are made different ways. I mean, a lot of these things are Really special and worth commemorating, you know, and then also, you know as I talk about the clothes also the growth, right? It’s also a commemoration of what we’re seeking and committing ourselves to taking on which is growing our family and adding to our family and whatever that journey looks like both as conceiving and then also you know, carrying and then also birthing, which is new for both of us and something that we uniquely get to celebrate, you know, when that season comes.

And I have to tell you, looking back with reflection around my health during this season, the thing I’ve learned is that, and that I want to extend to you as well, is that the quick fix of a day off is insufficient for long term health. Write that down, underline it, bullet point it, put it on a sticky, say it to yourself every day.

The quick fix of a day off is insufficient for long term health. And I have had to learn that in a million different ways, starting with my separation. Now, if you read the book, you already know this, but I will be diving deep even more over the coming years, weeks, years, days, chats, because I am learning so much more about it, especially as I start writing elements of book two.
And I can tell you right now, I thought, because this was my continuous pattern, and some of you witnessed this online, so if you were a, a watcher of my life online, and you know, on this journey with me, you may have noticed I took a lot of solo vacations. I would work and then I would take these, uh, things that I called self care sabbaticals where I would just kind of take time off.

And again, blessed to have the income, the privilege, the flexibility. I had a full team of nannies, house managers, support to help facilitate this at home. Uh, but I would work ridiculously hard for months on end. And then I would take off maybe three, three to four days maybe, uh, where I would fly to my favorite resort in Cancun and I would just sit.

And I would spend probably 24 to 48 hours, uh, sleeping. And then I would spend time being no one’s anything. You probably heard me say this languaging before. Um, where no one would ever say my name unless they were bringing me a drink or a cocktail or food or something like that.

And, um, I’m not knocking this. It was extremely valuable time, and I’m not saying I won’t return to this or that I don’t do some element of it, but what I was essentially doing was running away. I was taking this time off to get away from a high stress situation, and the high stress situation was my work.

It was my home. It was my marriage and my relationships. It was my friendships. It was, the way that I was a boss. It was my parenting. Just parenting is stressful in general. Not that I had difficult children, but it was just stressful in general. It was my health, just managing of my health or lack thereof.

I’d had this entire world that was so high stress, that was so poorly managed, that lacked so many boundaries and was so filled with me taking on by choice in so many ways, responsibilities that were not mine to carry. And my solution to that, whenever I would get to the point where the pot was boiling over, was to leave.

And then enter the opposite, the polar opposite, which was silence, the equivalent of a float tank, right? I just wanted to lay in silence and, and do everything else. But, and you know what that did? It let a little steam out of the kettle, but make no mistake. That thing was still full of pressure. And that’s what I did for 12 years, thinking that that was the solution.
And I think that that’s what a lot of us think it is. I just need to rest so I can get back in the game. I want to let you know, if you haven’t heard it from anywhere else, Resting to get back in the game is not real. You need to change the rules of the game. If you’re trying to actually win and make it to the end, you have to change the rules of the game.

And what does that mean? Here’s the part that’s going to really have some of y’all, you know, in your feels. It means that on some levels, you may have to give up things that you think are not worth it. They are unfathomable. where you’re like, but this game can’t change because if for some reason I gave up this thing, it wouldn’t even be the same game.

That’s right. Some of y’all shouldn’t even be playing this way. So for me, what did that look like? My marriage. I can’t tell you how many times I would take these vacations for three and four days and dread going back home to the home that I had curated. That was beautiful with my incredible children that I loved.

And I would dread going back. And I would dread going back, not just because of the relationship that I was in, but I would dread going back because I knew I would just be going back to work, to service, to things that needed fixed and corrected and, and cleaned and just a to do list that never ended. And what I recognized was that where I was vacationing was peace and I was returning to my constant, which was chaos and Obviously, I was just going to return to burnout. Your body will tell you. It is giving you signs. How on earth will your body believe that you love and that you care for yourself and that you see value in yourself and that you see worth in yourself if you continue to return into a place of chaos?
But make no mistake, for 12 years, I struggled because I could not even catch a vision around a way to live in both peace. and maintain the life that I had before. Oh, this is hard to say out loud, but I’m gonna say it because, I mean, who does it serve if I, if I don’t, right? It was hard for me to believe that I could have peace and still maintain the life that I’d worked so hard, the vision, right?

The fantasy of All things amazing, you know, that I lived in before the, the million dollar house and all the, I, I, how could I maintain that and still have peace? And I did everything, every hack, every strategy around it, get a nanny, get more help, get a bigger team, get a different office. Buy more tools, go shopping, take vacations, eat this way, lose this weight, do this, do this again.

I, listen, it’s the way that I say sometimes, and y’all know I’m a Christian, I joke that people will try everything but Jesus, okay? They’ll be going through stress in their life, and they will be like, let me get, and I’m not knocking those of you who try these things, right? But make no mistake, I’m a Jesus and therapy girl, you need both, right?

But when I tell you people will try everything but, they will try all the sages, all the crystals, all the oils, all the things without throwing up a single prayer to say, And if this thing also works, Lord, can you help me? You know, he’s an option too. You know, it’s just like, people try everything but Jesus.

And it’s like, that’s how I felt. I was trying everything but actual release. Surrender. Letting go. Shifts. The truth was, peace was mine to have, but not without letting go of things that did not serve me. I could live a life where burnout was constantly decreasing, and I could live in equilibrium, an equal life of joy and peace and safety and health and wellness and well being.

But not in the life I was in. And that was hard to accept. Heck, it’s still hard to accept. There’s, something I experience right now, which, you know, pop in my DMs if someone else is experiencing this, and, you know, I talk about it with my therapist, but, you know, I wake up in a panic some days, in the mornings.

And nothing crazy, you know, but, I’ll wake up, and I’ll be like, I can feel my heart kind of racing, you know, from a, from a sleep first thing in the morning. And it’s because I forget that my life is different now. That’s how enmeshed in my DNA, the trauma and the exhaustion of my previous life is. I wake up and I look over and I see Alex and I look around my room.
And I expect to still see my other life. And I don’t know if a lot of people experience this, but the way that I can say it’s, what it’s similar to is if you’re someone who travels a lot, where you’re like, oh, I’m always in a different hotel, like I’m a pilot or a flight attendant or a teacher or a sales rep or something like that, sometimes you wake up and you don’t know what city you’re in.

You know, like, or if you’ve ever been on like a tour or anything like that, you wake up and you’re like, where am I? Am I in Michigan today? Am I in such and such, you know? Just, things change so rapidly that you just, you kind of get a little disoriented. I experienced a disorientation of my life where I wake up and I open my eyes and I expect to see my Atlanta bedroom and I expect to see, you know, or hear noises of a full house with tons of kids in it.

And, you know, nannies and house managers kind of bustling around or a gardener outside. And it takes me a minute to kind of acclimate myself because I then realize, oh no, you’re in California. But catch this, over the past three years, I have let go of so many disruptive and chaotic things in my life.

Whether it is team or business behaviors or strategy or boundaries or people or habits or food. So many things that did not serve me and I just did not care what the price was because of the price was my peace. It was too expensive. I let go of so many things in my life that I, my life is unrecognizable now, even to me.

And I mean that in the best possible way. I wake up and I look around and I think that I have, I have dreamt up the life that I am blessed to live in. And I literally like, well, if Alex isn’t in the bed because he got up to like make hot breakfast for Allie or take her to school or he’s doing a workout, I’ll call him and be like, Alex?

And he’s like, yeah, I’m here, baby. And I will literally feel relief come over me. I will literally feel relief come over me because I’m like, oh, I did not dream him up too. I am in this incredible life, and to be clear, if you’ve read my book, everything is right, everything is wrong, but nothing is missing.

My life looks nothing like what I could have ever expected it to look like. If you told me this was the life that I would have to have in order to have the peace that I deserve, back when I was running and escaping from the life that I curated and chose and built and made, I would have said, y’all can keep it.

Y’all can keep it. You’re telling me I’m going to get rid of the massive office with all the employees and I’m going to switch that out for a smaller office and in Beverly Hills and that I am going to get rid of the massive million dollar home and I’m going to live in a home that actually costs more because California, but it’s smaller, you know, and I’m going to get rid of the staff coming in and out all the time and living there permanently.

And I’m just going to let go of all of these things, but that my, that’s going to increase my peace. I would have been like, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. But I want to tell y’all that the peace that you’re seeking, the ease, the stability that is devoid of burnout and keeps it from returning is in surrender.

It’s in letting go of what you may think serves you and embracing what’s actually going to make a difference in your life. What is the point of taking the vacation days without learning and creating the boundaries so you don’t even need them as much? When I tell you. It is possible to love every single room that you’re in, to be in the car and feel sadness about leaving a home that you love and you just wish you were there, and joy as you drive to a meeting with a great friend that you’re with, and excitement that you get to return back home, but happiness that you’re also in the car by yourself and having a moment of peace.

I mean, my life right now is one where I feel so much. contentment in every moment I’m in. So even now, just chatting with you, I could never have dreamt up having the blessing of, you know, being with a podcast network where I get to come in and sit. I mean, there are hearts prayers, you know, for those of you all who are Christians, you know, we, um, One of the things that’s said in the Bible is that, you know, God knows all the prayers of our hearts, like big, small, little, you know, and even sometimes when you don’t articulate things, they pop up.

So for those of you all who are manifestors, you understand that like when you say things out loud, big or small, you can actually get them. So, if you say things like all green lights, you know, boom, you might get all green lights. And as a Christian, you know that, that, that is in the form of prayer. You know, God can do it all.

And when I tell you, There are things that I’ve articulated like, please God, give me a studio or a world where I’m able to sit down, drop my content, move on with my life. I didn’t necessarily know all the pieces to ask for that, but I have that now. And that is a blessing that I didn’t, I didn’t even know how to pray.

in specificity for, and yet here I am sitting within it. Thank you, God. And if I had known, though, that in order for me to get here, because the thing that he wanted for me that would answer those specific prayers was in California. And the only way I would get it would be if I let go of what I had that seemed so valuable, and so intentional, and so perfect.
I mean, I chose it. In order for me to have what I needed, I had to let go of what I worked for? It doesn’t even make sense, and yet it’s true. And there are a million stories like this that you hear online, and I hope that as you go through your day after this conversation, you start looking with intentionality at that.

How many people have you heard tell stories of what they’ve had to give up to get where they’re supposed to be in their purpose? That’s the beginning of almost every story. You have to quit your job to be your full time entrepreneur. You have to quit living a life of singledom to commit to partnership.

You have to quit eating poorly or making decisions that may not align with your body and your health in order to embrace a more healthy lifestyle. You have to quit spending recklessly in order to save and acquire things you love.

letting go is not just something though that happens in a small scale way. Letting go has to happen completely. So it’s up to you how long it’ll take for you to end up in the life that you really want, with the health that you want, with the joy that you want, and all of which that you deserve.

But I have to let you know that the choice of how quickly you get there is whether you choose to let go in stages as I did, which I mean, classic Nicole, right? 12 years of learning myself within a marriage. And my God, when I tell you I have no regrets about my marriage, I have nothing negative to say about my ex, because He is truly and completely every single thing he’s always said he’s been, you know, so I really hope he gets every single thing that he deserves.

I hope God spares him nothing in what he deserves and in what should be in his world. I hope he gets every single ounce of it. But I also have learned so much, especially in where I continue to learn from that time that was spent. And during that timeframe, I just grew and grew and grew and, and learned and adapted and changed.

You know, I own the change for good and for bad, right? For certain, some of the ways that I changed were so terribly not good that I was able to say to myself, Oh, this isn’t who I want to be. I have to, I have to make another pivot. But towards the end, there was almost an accelerated growth as I started letting go, to the point where now, if something doesn’t serve me, I want to let go of it quickly so I don’t suffer long, because I know on the other side is goodness.

And so I hope to encourage you in examining where you are right now. Because we live in a society of what do we need next? If you’re sitting there saying to yourself, what I need is a better workout routine, a new gym membership, more tools, more supplements, more money, more this. I really want you to take today to shift and say to yourself, look, nothing is missing with me, right?

I’m your friend. You know, I’m going to say that. But maybe what do I need to let go? What boundaries do I need to build? And then that way, when you jump off and you take your vacation, You are returning to a life that you love.

 

IN THIS EPISODE, WE CHAT ABOUT:

What my old patterns of stress looked like and where they led me,
How I used to handle stress with escape,
What happened that led me to question if escaping life was the answer, and
The changes I’ve had to make to create a life that I didn’t need to escape from

RESOURCES AND LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

Let’s connect on Instagram HERE
Find my friend, Koya Webb, HERE.
Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!

Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!

What is Wellness Privilege and why does it leave us feeling like we aren’t doing enough, ever? Listen here or watch here.

I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

MORE ABOUT THE NICOLE WALTERS PODCAST:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

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