Nicole:

Hey, friends, I love our chat when we’re able to bring another person in. And you know, we don’t typically do that most of our time is just us sitting down having our one to one time going over life and the rest. But I want to let you know that today we are chatting with someone who I consider a dear friend. She is someone I respect. She is also someone that I know you respect, because you have probably, if you have little ones, let her into your home.

Sounds creepy, but it’s not. I am so excited to introduce and have here today, my dear friend that you know, as Miss Monica. Monica, I’m so excited that you’re here with us today.

Monica:

Thank you. Thank you for that introduction. I’m so happy to be here.

Nicole:

Oh, it’s amazing. Now, I will let you talk a little bit more about what you do. But I just have to gush a little bit because this is how I am. So Monica, if you don’t know, is a harsh I hate to say YouTube sensation because it sounds so cheesy. But it is true. Particularly during 2020. I think that’s when people really were like, what are we going to do with our babies? What is the best content? The dear sweet Miss Monica entered our world as a teacher, as a guide, as entertainment and literally helped us raise our babies.

She has one of the most popular kids programming around preschool age children, I think some toddler content as well. You know that people watch and consume and it’s just incredible. This has gone into live events. She has products. I mean, there are partnerships, there’s so many things she’s doing.

And I’m excited because we’re going to talk not just about, obviously, you know, it’s cool the business side of things. But honestly, when you’re a creator, you have a personality and a life behind all that. So tell us a little bit about the show just so people can know, if they haven’t watched it, why their kids need to watch it.

Monica:

Yes. So circle time with this Monica was born in 2020. March of 2020. I’ll never forget it. Yes. Because yes, the pandemic hit and everyone was like, What am I doing? What? How are we teaching our kids at home? And also schools like my school? We did. They didn’t know what they were doing.

Nicole:
Who even knows what we’re doing now! Let’s be honest, we’re still a mess. Okay, most of us right now don’t know what we’re doing.

Monica:

Yes, I am a day to day type of person. But yes, so I created what I want it to feel like a classroom experience. One, I wanted it to be a classroom experience for my students that I was teaching at that time. And then I opened it up to the public. And I wanted parents and families to be able to give that classroom experience to their children at home.

Nicole:

It really does feel like that. Because you have like boards. And what I love is, with your content, you break the screen. I remember this when I was younger with like lamb chops play along, you know, where Lamb Chop would like kind of look out into the screen and say like, well, I don’t see anyone there. And when I tell you that’s so necessary for the little ones, particularly in 2020 because they didn’t have peers, you know, it was beautiful.

Monica:
That interaction, I want that interaction. I want them to speak to me. I want them to think they’re speaking to me, like talk to the TV.

Nicole:

We have you to thank for us being in the other room and hear the kids be like blue. That was you. You were responsible.

Monica:

Not only are they talking to the TV, they’re like tapping it because I use a pointer because they want to teach too. When the parents sent me those videos, those are hilarious. So they’re like tapping the screen.

Nicole:
That’s hilarious.

Monica:
Don’t call me if it breaks! So we started, I really started the show for preschoolers, but now it has really evolved and now I have two shows. So one is circle time toddlers and one is circle time preschool with Miss Monica. They’re all circle time with Miss Monica.

Nicole:

It’s amazing, y’all know Monica, people notice you when you go places now because you have this relationship. I mean, your show people see it every morning, there’ll be popping on some people go back and watch back episodes. We know these kids have iPads at restaurants, in the car. I mean, you’re throwing a phone in front of them just because you need a few minutes of quiet you know and I just want to say momma’s there’s so much out there about screen time and we’ll talk more about that in a minute but realistically do what you got to do to get by okay like and what is great is your content is rock solid for that so what’s the like when you get out there being recognized or you recognized more by kids or adults?

Monica:

Really by adults. I feel like kids, they’re not the ones who say something first usually because my demographic is younger, sure, baby stare but they stare because it’s the whole concept of your on my screen but your real your in person. So it’ll take them a few moments to like process. But with the parents, I was recently in the airport in Charleston airport. It was so funny. And I was just sitting having my coffee, it was like 6am I was getting on the 6am flights and…

Nicole:

Please do not talk to your favorite creators and on a 6am flight. We love y’all we love to say hi but 6am!

Monica:

It was a 6am flight. I was just sitting there you know, airport face. Dad I saw a mom and a dad and a little toddler walking by. But the dad did a reverse instead, Miss Monica. Oh, cute as their son just stared at me. And it wasn’t until like, literally the four minute conversation was coming to an end. He’s like, hi.

Nicole:

Oh my god. Oh my god. It’s so sweet. So nice. And I mean, I just one thing that’s great about you is that people love you, you know, because there are countless stories, especially here in LA of like celebrities or people come up and like I can’t especially now I don’t, I don’t watch like Vanderpump Rules, but everyone talks about it, you know? It’s like that’s like a whole thing where it’s like, I imagine if I was I don’t even know who the good guys and the bad guys are. But there’s one character that people do not love. And it’s like could you imagine being that guy who will commit you’d never should have done it on someone sorrows so upside is we are well loved.

Monica:
I’ll take all the smiles.

Nicole:

I mean, even better, you get littles you want to come to like, Oh, I love you. That’s great. So I want to take people back, to move them forward, because again, most people met you in 2020 through their kiddos you know looking for solid enriching, you know, content that teaches them. 

So I want to know when you first got into this, you know, you started off working with kids in real life, actually, you still do you still offer courses and teach and you have programs and day school and preschool like so if y’all want to know more about that head over to either your YouTube page or where else where can people find that stuff?

Monica:
Yes, Preschoolexplorers.education.

Nicole:
Perfect, perfect. Please look that up because, you know, she’s a great teacher, like great educator. So look that up. But that said, Where did you start? And for the mamas that are listening and saying to themselves, well, I just teach, I don’t know. How did you make that pivot?

Monica:

Yes, that I started teaching well, back in 2003. I’ve been in the game a long time.

Nicole:
Yes. It doesn’t feel that way. I’m not gonna lie. It feels like that was just the other day. <laughs>

Monica:

Honestly, it feels like just the other day I was commuting in or my hour into the city back out of the city. Yes, I don’t. I don’t really miss those days. But I started in the classroom and then moved on to doing some independent teacher work, agency work. I’ve always been a special education preschool teacher. So I’ve been able to try different things because I always knew I just didn’t want to be in the classroom. But I never knew what was outside of that. So I doubled and dabbled in different things. Luckily, I worked in New York City, one of the largest districts and so there’s so many programs going on so I was able to work for the district, work for agencies and try a lot of different things. But that was me that was a lot of different things but I really didn’t know what the other side of teaching look like.

Nicole:
Well let’s be honest most of us who ultimately got into the Creator space didn’t know because it didn’t exist I mean I when Instagram came out with threads you know the Twitter competitor tool I literally I’m saying to myself when it came out I was like so who’s going to become the like new god of threads the new like you know thread cool person because they you don’t know how to even say growing up oh, well, I’d like to have my own TV show that’s available from people’s cell phones you know that they can show to their kiddos, like are you kidding?

And also like y’all don’t know Monica has personality but she is like everything you see online she has a light right like she is truly like you want to leave your children with her you’re like they will come back better for it you know like it’s a soothing voice all of that so I want to know when you said you were going to do this because you are a try-er like you are able to try but that comes with feels and I don’t think people realize it because you seem you’re such a natural. Like really when I watch your content it feels first of all shout out to the husband wife team right? Yes, produced well edited it looks so stinking good. And I kind of want to pull back the cover if you’re okay with it.

Monica:

I’m fine with that.

Nicole:

Tell me do you have like a huge studio or team? How did you get started? Tell the truth.

Monica:

I will tell the truth. We got started in my living room and three years later it has never converted back to a living room. Like if you all want to really be honest, like we are still shooting out of that studio. Yes, we rent space here and there when we need large, large space but it’s still our main space.

Nicole:
Wow.

Monica:

Which you know, eventually we’re gonna evolve out of that but that’s where we started.

Nicole:
How does that feel? For all the moms, knowing that because you know just just for the moms who may be in this stage right now where they’re like home with their babies which you know, it’s okay in the right place to be but as you’re starting to dream big and think and you know, or the people out there who are creators and saying themselves because I’m not even kidding influencer and Creator as a job now, right?

So I have my kids saying, Oh, well I want to be an influencer mom I need these things. I need this camera I need I remember when having a Canon T3i whatever was like the move right now. It’s like stop playing like, what do you do with that all broke, you know? So it’s like, I’m not even kidding. These kids are out there with the list of stuff they need, you know, to even start but the truth is, I just love saying how did you start? It was just in your living room.

Monica:

Just in my living room. I would, I mean, my husband, thank goodness is a filmmaker, videographer by trade. So he had some extra cameras and let me use the broken ones.

Nicole:
Right. Like, it’s like we’re doing this under the budget, but you weren’t like, let’s go to Best Buy and film.

Monica:

I didn’t buy anything new. I used an old camera and I just said, this is what I’m going to do. I just need, please just give me a tripod and a one shot single shot. One view. That’s it. That’s right. And I literally took off if you guys want to hear a funny story, I literally, because it was a pandemic, I had to run to my school begged the director to let me in because they didn’t want anyone in the school. It was closed. Oh, yes. Oh, yes, regulations. And they said You have five minutes to go to your classroom because I said, I just need stuff out of my classroom, for sure. And I literally ran upstairs, got everything off of my wall, I just ripped everything off the wall, put it in my bag and came out and was like, I’m done.

Nicole:

Wow!

Monica:
That was my circle time wall that I ripped everything off. And that’s where the name came from.

Nicole:

So you were literally thinking, I just want to keep teaching these kids exactly right? No, I don’t know where this pandemic is going. Right? I can think of my babies at home. I just want to keep teaching them because honestly, this is what the teachers were doing. You know, they were but they didn’t have, you know, five minutes to run in and grab stuff. And you know, and a lot of them aren’t okay, on camera, you know, if that’s a thing, or they weren’t prepared for it, you know? So you were thinking, how can I make this as seamless so this isn’t a gap?

Monica:

Exactly. I just got to recreate what was already in the classroom, and make it look authentic enough for the kids to feel like okay, well there, they still have some connection to me as their teacher, and then for the new children who were just meeting me yet that they can connect with me.

Nicole:
What a gift! I just like, I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you because you know, people just love your content. But like that thought process, that awareness, you know, is such a gift because these kids, first of all, we all joke about how pandemic kids are different. You know what I mean, they really are, though, and this really helped a lot. So thank you for doing that. So, okay, now, let’s fast forward, we are three years deep in this world, over three years. And you’re doing this full time?

Monica:
Yes, I am.

Nicole:
Wow. So you’re doing this full time. So after the pandemic was over, it wasn’t like, Let’s rush back to the classroom. You’re like, I’ve got kids that I’m serving around the world.

Monica:
Yes, I had to make a big decision. Yeah, was August 2020. And I had to decide, am I going back in September? Or am I going to do this full time? So I chose the full time to go ahead and leave the classroom and just go for it. And literally, it’s literally day by day challenge by challenge or opportunity by opportunity. And just going for it. It’s really all I can say I did write, you know, they’re always questions like, Where is this gonna come from? Where’s that gonna come from? But I am a risk taker. Definitely through and through. So I had to go for it.

Nicole:

Yeah. And I love that. And I also love the truth of and I don’t think people say this enough in the Creator space, you know, is because again, like, yes, there’s the Miss Monica, we love your content. But there’s Monica, the person you know. And so I think that a lot of people forget that, that day to day is so real. And I can speak to it now living in LA, during the writer strike and the actor strike.

When I tell you I have peers that are like, Look, I’m not a writer or an actor. I’m a director of photography, and I don’t work right now. You know what I mean? Like, this is real, or I, you know, got paid residuals on this, not much to begin with, you know, but it really is day to day. And I think that there’s an honesty and knowing that your favorite creators, you hear in the papers the 22 million, I get paid 200,000 of video, whatever, that’s not most of us. That’s not me. I don’t know is that you Miss Monica?

Monica:
That’s not me! <laughs>

Nicole:
But I will tell you, though, that I think a lot of people forget that there’s still a good living and good impact in the middle. You know, so many of us, if we can’t envision ourselves at that, I’ve got all the followers and I’m making 10 million a year and getting paid this that we either don’t want to start, or we don’t know where that our value is. But I think that you’re just such a great example of someone who truly helped, I mean, you are helping us raise our kids, you know, like, so the work you’re doing, we can’t even argue is meaningful. You know, but aside from that, you’ve managed to make a living where you’re able to, I mean, your skin is clear, your edges are here. Like I know that money’s getting spent proper.

Monica:

I’ve been working on the edges and the skin for some time, because of Nicole Walters. And the brows!

Nicole:
It’s an investment! But that said, you know, you’re making an income, you’re able to support your life. So that said, you know, the work that you do within the Creator space of having a, you know, YouTube channel that’s super successful, but also meaningful work. You know, yes, you can keep doing content every day. Yes, you can keep growing it that way. And that makes sense and you know, how to serve that way kids are gonna be born all the time, you will not run out of people who will watch right? But I want to know, as a teacher also and someone who’s worked in various fields within teaching, including special education. Where’s the gap? Where do you think that you really stand in the gap around content that’s like uniquely, you know, for an audience. I have my thoughts on where that is, you know, but I’m, you know, I’m planning on having some new littles, you know, so I just want to know, like, where do you think that you offer something that is really different?

Monica:

Well, one, I think I come in with the classroom angle, because I felt at that time, especially in 2020, I felt like there wasn’t this classroom angle or this classroom opportunity. For children who learn at home. There are so many children who learn at home until five or even six.

Nicole:
Yeah, right, they don’t enter until even longer. I feel like after the pandemic, people are like, my kids aren’t going back.

Monica:
That’s true. And then you have that group of parents, which is a huge, huge community of parents who are teaching at home and trying new things. And so I really feel I fill in that gap of children who are learning at home, giving them like a taste of what classroom could be like, with a real teacher, and then also…

Nicole:
That’s a huge part too. No shade to the other creators but I think that it is really important that people understand that having a real teacher is like having a real lawyer, you know, all of us can use Google, all of us can have some ideas, but remember, these are your babies and you just want to know that, yes, it may seem like I’m just teaching you colors, or I’m just teaching things. And all of that is valid and true. But understanding different learning styles and techniques and right, like all that stuff matters.

Monica:
It’s just the little things, the skills are things you may, if you’re not an educator, or you haven’t just been in the classroom, we’re taught children, you may not even know, it’s so simple, but just those little things.

Nicole:

I feel like it’s the interactivity, like knowing where to ask for prompts and where to ask for questions, because, and I’m not gonna lie, and I’m guilty guilty, y’all know, I will be the first to throw myself out there, as a parent, frustration, because we’re attached to our kids.

So like, you know, in the teaching, knowing where to step back and say, like, you’re still learning or this isn’t, we haven’t done this lesson sufficiently to do a prompt. I’ve noticed with Miss Monica teachings, you’ll have like recurring themes, you know, through different episodes. So it becomes something that kid is actually learning and investing and prompted for.

Monica:
Absolutely. Especially with the younger years, the three to five, even birth to five, let’s just say they need the repetition, right? It gives them confidence that they know what’s about to happen, oh, they can answer that question. You want them to have success. It’s so necessary.

Nicole:

That’s so good. And that’s what I mean, as a professional, you know, these things. And so I just love it because you do get to turn over and you being a real teacher is a huge value add to your content. Another thing that I just like, I have to call out yeah, in case y’all did not know. I mean, most of y’all know Miss Monica but I love that your content is diverse, and that you’re bringing on lots of different people. Like I saw the episode with Mary cherry, where you, you know, came to Los Angeles, and you visited her and you did a project.

And, you know, I just think that there is so much value behind that different visual representation, you know, and some of these hands-on experiences.

Monica:
Absolutely.

Nicole:
That is so powerful.

Monica:

Yes, the collaborations are oh, it was always fun. I was even able to collaborate with a company of bilingual birdies and bring them on. And they have a bilingual puppet, and Spanish and English episodes and just talk about different languages, teaching children that there are different languages and ways to communicate. And that was so amazing. Yes, it was really, really fun. Yeah, I want to do more of that, more diversity, bringing more guests on. The puppe tree is always really great.

Nicole:
It’s also really important now I think, especially as these kids because I think people forget that when you have a preschooler, their world is really your home. Unless they’re going to preschool you know, and I forget this honestly, with my 11 year old, I’m like, when was the last time we took her out of our neighborhood? Because like, we’re like Monday through Friday, she’s back in school back in school. And then she comes in, if we don’t take her somewhere on the weekend, her whole world is like five blocks.

Monica:

That’s normal. It’s like your bubble.

Nicole:

Bubbles, right? Yeah. But we don’t realize that as adults, because we might be like, oh, I want the sushi on the other side of town. Or oh, you know, I have worked. So I have to travel here. Like, it just doesn’t even and we’re also aware of travel, these kids don’t go anywhere unless we move them. So that value, right, the value of Miss Monica is that you get to take them to these places and introduce them to things. And then also if you are a Spanish speaker or Spanish speaking home, how special that you’re getting to see a bilingual episode and say, oh my gosh, this is what we do in our house, you know, and it’s just so it’s just you really do such a lovely job with it. So, I want to know, and now we’re going to like set aside the awesome behind the scenes of the Miss Monica empire. It’s so cool. We’re excited about it. We’ll circle back to talk about you know, what’s next, I want to talk about you.

How does it feel every day knowing that you are working with your partner? I have worked with a partner, I’m going to give some tea, just a smidgen of tea right? This is like lukewarm tea. It’s not hot, right? But it was not easy working with my partner you know, like even though we had our different areas which helped and we had our different perspectives which helped tremendously. I struggled with it just because I am a big believer and it’s just so hard to find someone who loves it and is as passionate about it the way you are.

But I learned quickly, therapeutically, no one should be, right? Like it’s your thing. So why would you expect someone to be like as into it as you are that’s not even realistic. So what does that like? Have you guys just clear role assignments? Because your husband’s a professional too? Yeah. So it’s different.

Monica:

I mean, it was tricky in the beginning, because it turned out in the beginning was just like, oh, he said, Well, let me help you. You look like you’re struggling, right? You’re doing a lot of work. Right? Let me help you. He came on. And because everything was so new, it’s like, we’re learning roles. Are you gonna keep helping me? Or, you know…

Nicole:
Right! Were you setting me up? Or are you here, you know, to work with me, yeah, right. Right. Right.

Monica:
But no, naturally, he was excited and wanted to do it too. Because then it was his work, right. So luckily, he loves cameras and so perfecting that, trying new things, he was excited to do that. But yes, we butt heads. The first year was really difficult. I mean, it was stressful.

Nicole:

So let me just ask this tiny question about that. So that doesn’t surprise me because I was gonna say creatively, as you’re trying to create, because the concept didn’t exist before. So I think a lot of people don’t know, with TV shows, before a camera even shows up, oftentimes, we know what we’re gonna say, who’s gonna be on camera. If it’s done, right? Let’s not play, like, I’m sure anyone can nod and be like, Look, some of this production stuff can be a mess. But in a perfect situation, you know, like, frankly, what the format might be for 26 episodes, you know, like what you’re doing. But you’re kind of saying, Look, this when I did my classroom, because some of those early Miss Monica episodes do not look like the ones that they are now.

Monica:
Absolutely not.

Nicole:
And not in a bad way. They just have evolved. And there’s, there’s, like so much better. There’s a comfort there, because you know, what you’re delivering to the kids what they like you’ve gotten feedback. So for you, I want to know, like, the butting heads in that beginning was a creative, you know, just for anyone who’s listening right now and wanting to maybe tap into their husband’s talents and gifts, or their husband wants to lend it. How does that feel? Like is it you know, what I really wish I’d known more creatively, myself first, before I kind of tapped my husband or do I wish that, am I glad ultimately, we did that part together? Like what feedback do you have on that?

Monica:

Yes, I can look back and say, I’m glad we did it together, we learned together. I think what was most important, we had to understand communication was important. Well, I will say that communication, really defining our roles, and then separating personal and business, which is still hard.

Nicole:
It’s SO hard.

Monica:
Because we live together, we work together.

Nicole:
Yeah, just being hungry. When I get hungry it’s a problem. It’s like I’m hungry right now and you are talking to me about wanting to film just one more shot? No.

Monica:

Yes that has happened and I’m like we’re getting through this, although I’m usually the one to say no, we’re working through it and he says can we take a break? Craft services is here. Because he’s a professional.

Nicole:
I get it.

Monica:

There’s no craft services.

Nicole:
No, no, this is the house.

Monica:

Okay. I mean, of course, looking back, I know all of these things now. But it was patients working with one another, thank goodness, where we wanted it as bad as we did, right. But now it’s really clear, clear, defined roles. And he has his business. I have mine. And we it’s like now it’s more of a professional relationship where, okay, we know we have this thing, or I like, a little bit. Yeah. And I have to be more responsible with dates, I have to stick to them. Oh, that was hard.

Nicole:
Yeah, hey, today, I want to say, or like I was gonna do this, but then I saw this. So I just wanted to change this a little bit. No, content.

Monica:
And he says no I have other things to do.

Nicole:

So that helps. No, that’s really, really good. So, um, but that said, when we talk about growth and expansion, you know, there are some elements of the work that you don’t do, right? Like, that’s just not like, you are definitely talent and obviously, content creator, writer, you know, all those pieces, you know, how does it feel knowing that as your brand because y’all just tiny, teeny tiny spoiler alert, it’s getting bigger stages, right? So as you’re seeing things grow and expand, and you’re getting increased opportunities, and new partnerships, and all of that, you know, what do you see for yourself? And how do you want to serve these kids more?

Is it getting back to in-person? Is it, you know, different forms of media? People don’t know you have a little album, like, tell us more about that!

Monica:

Yes! Definitely different forms of media. I don’t see myself getting back into the classroom, like a physical classroom.

Nicole:

I feel like you’d be cheating us. Truly, truly, like there are some people where it’s like, I love what you do so much. Please don’t ever go back. You know what I mean? Like the hours, you know.

Monica:

Yeah, I can’t do it. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. And of course, I love connecting with the children. So the way I see it is in the future a tour. Yes, I’m doing more music, that has been something parents have said, more music. So I am doing more music because they’re all original songs…

Nicole:
Y’all don’t even know the studio okay!

Monica:
Mind blowing still to this day. I’m coming out with my first official circle time with Miss Monica album. Just a few more weeks. It’s coming.

Nicole:

I love I love you at the same time because I’m like when my kid comes I know because kids heavy rotation. I have an 11 year old. Do you know how often I have heard Sean Kingston’s Beautiful girls. Like she picked songs for like 2001 and she will play them back to back. Like I know you’re gonna be in my house.

Monica:
Yes my popular song is the Good morning trainees coming how are you? Choo, choo! Ready? Get ready Nicole!

Nicole:

No! Not Choo, Choo!

Monica:

Every morning. <laughs>

Nicole:

Oh, bless it. I’m telling you, I’m gonna drop these kids off at your house so quick Monica, you don’t even know I’ll be like, listen, let’s go visit the real Miss Monica. Because I’m not Choo-Chooing but it’s great. Like I’m excited to hear that they’re also all these different ways to serve you know some of us I think, say to ourselves well, I do just want to do music for children, but I don’t have the YouTube channel. Well look here you are falling into other things based on what you’re doing.

Monica:
I had no idea the fact that I was a classroom teacher and all the preschool and kindergarten teachers know you make up your own songs, you say the nursery rhymes, you make up your own songs, that’s what you do.

Nicole:

I even sing directions so I don’t get mad. I’m like, come on, let’s go outside. Let’s go outside. That is what we do. Just so I don’t rage.

Monica:
That’s the heart of preschool education. Singing everything. I do sing everything. It’s like “Oh, I’m holding this black pillow so like black pillow, black pillow.” I sing everything.

Nicole:

Listen, y’all you don’t understand this is it right here. Diddy, sign her. Like we need to get you on bad boy records <laughs> like it’s the new children’s division led by Miss Monica.

All jokes aside, did you know Snoop Dogg has a kid channel called like it’s like doggy land kid…

Monica:

You said it.

Nicole:

And he just signed that little girl, that four year old, van man.

Monica:

I did read that.

Nicole:
They just signed her. I was like she’s so cute. But no, he just signed her and I was like not this four year olds out here with who, first of all shout out to Snoop for building a brand where he is one minute with Martha Stewart and the next minute signing a four year olds to a hip hop label and beating a murder charge. The young people don’t know about that. Okay, the young people don’t know about it, we’re gonna take it all the way back, take it all the way back.

Monica:
<laughs>

So look, when people are at home and you’re saying can I do it? Is this possible? You think about things like that like that. Absolutely!

Nicole:

And you evolve as you evolve where you start is not where you end up, hopefully if you’re doing it right.

Monica:

Absolutely.

Nicole:

So I love this you know that I’m anytime you come to LA I’m like me me me come see me. I love it all this and this is so I think inspiring and encouraging and it’s rare that we get to see the behind the scenes of someone who is in our home all the time you know but I just you all if you don’t know Monica is everything. She is one of the best, kindest, safest, which really matters, people to have in your world and around your babies. And we know that album is coming soon. Where else and what else can we grab from you?

Monica:

Just circle time toddlers preschool. Of course I have enrichment virtual programs for children at preschoolexplorers.education and you can find everything at MonicaJSutton all across social media.

Nicole:

Oh, I love it. Follow that. Let your children follow, consume, learn. It’s a blessing. Thank you for being here.

Monica:

Thank you for having me.

Nicole:

Hey friends. So you know that whenever the Misterfella comes in, we’re usually talking about like, something crazy in our relationship or something that’s come up or whatever. But y’all get it, you know our relationship, we share it on social, all that stuff, ask me questions in the DM, we’ll get to it. And maybe we’ll follow up later, as things change.

What I want to do today and this is really like, vulnerable, transparent, whatever you want to call it. I am bringing in the Misterfella to pick his brain for y’all live and in-person. Because the way he thinks, trips me out sometimes. And I’m going to be very vulnerable and saying this, I have not had the best luck in relationships. And you’ve heard me talk about this, with starting fresh, starting over, I go into it in detail in my book, Nothing is Missing, which is available now for sale – everywhere books are sold: Amazon, Barnes and Noble. Grab your copy. I’m super excited to get into your hands because it really does add color to a lot of what we talk about here through stories and lessons and all that jazz.

But honestly, part of what makes the book so good is a lot of what I’ve learned in being in a healthy relationship. And some of this I’ve learned literally just because this guy that I’m with was raised so differently from me. Now, I do want to throw out as a caveat. You know, some people may say, Well, it’s because he is a male because he is white, because he is privileged. All those things are true. He does have those privileged things. What I am talking about here today is that this man has incredible parents, like they are imperfect, like all parents are, but they have done a really good job raising him around his mindset and his sense of self worth. And that has really shown up and how he picks who he is with, myself notwithstanding. No I’m a hot mess. I really am literally just trying to figure out why he even plays with me like this? I don’t know.

But all that being said, he is here today. And I’m really excited for you all to learn more about how he has approached picking his partners, what he has learned to tolerate and not tolerate within a relationship and how he gets himself out of tough spots.

We talk so much about fresh start, but it’s the ending and getting out of them to get your fresh start that is so important. So today, we have the Misterfella, Alex. Hey, babe!

Alex:

Hey, what’s up?

Nicole:

Thanks for being here. I’m excited that you’re here. I’m treating you like an interview guest.

Alex:
Let’s go.

Nicole:

It’s different. It is different. It is. It is different. I’m excited. Yeah, cuz you know what? Yeah, cuz, you know, normally, we’re hearing we were talking about our relationship or giggling and whatever else, you know, but like, we got coffee. We are

Alex:

I know! It’s a vibe.

Nicole:

It is a vibe. I’ve said this before, even when you’re not around. I really admire the way you think, you know, like, even though we’re in a relationship, you’re someone that I would pick to be friends with, you know, like, because I just liked the way you.

Alex:
Because I’m awesome.

Nicole:

It’s not. I mean, yes. Yes. No, but no, it’s because you’re humble.

Alex:

Oh, yeah, super humble. Well, so humble.

Nicole:

No, no, but seriously, seriously. No, it’s not that it’s the fact that you there is a cool confidence and certainty that isn’t egotistical around the way you approach relationships. Does that make sense?

Alex:

Mmmhmm yes.

Nicole:

When I say that, yeah, like it’s an awareness that I can tell is rooted. I’ve met a few people in my life like this. Another one is this amazing woman that I’ve mentioned. I don’t think I’ve mentioned here to this group of friends, but her name’s Precious Lee. She’s a supermodel. And she is phenomenal. Like when I tell you this woman is a powerhouse. And we were working on an opportunity together here in Los Angeles. And when I sat down and heard the way that this woman talked about, spoke about herself, and she said her mom, you know, always told her like, Girl Like, you’re amazing. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. Like, you are the greatest thing that’s ever walked. And it wasn’t ego-based. You know what I mean? It was just simply like, no, like, I bring a lot to the table, like, why would I settle?

You have that same energy and it doesn’t feel like snotty or weird, you know? Does it sound crazy?

Alex:

I know, I know what you’re saying you know what I’m saying I’m it’s funny because I’m now thinking about where that comes from.

Nicole:

Oh, I’m excited because I want it. Let’s first, let’s talk about what it is. So part of why I think this conversation is important is as women especially black women, women have you know We’re all women and black women of color are all marginalized. And because of that, we’re often told that if we are braggy, if we have standards, if we are in relationships who are not receiving what we deserve, that we may be asking for too much, or we have an ego or we are, you know, just over the top. And that has become perpetuated and become worse, because we’re now seeing conversations online about women saying things like, oh, no, he’s not taking me on an ice cream date. Oh, he’s not taking me for coffee, like he better be creative and inventive, or put down some money if he means it. And there is such a split perspective about that, because there’s some sort of identification in the date, correlating with people seeing the worth of the woman.

Alex:

Yeah.

Nicole:

Have you seen those sorts of conversations?

Alex:

Of course, yeah, of course. And I’ve you know, there are, there’s definitely split thoughts on it, you know, because on one hand, it’s like, oh, yeah, I really want to impress this girl, let me get, let me put that. But on the other hand, there are plenty of guys with money where that money actually is meaningless to them. And they’re like, Yeah, I’ll throw down a couple bills or you know, whatever it is for this date. And it actually doesn’t mean anything, you’re essentially trying to just wine and dine just to like get in their pants.

Nicole:

Yep, talk about it, tell the truth. That is the truth.

Alex:

Or there’s the other side, there’s like somebody who like, oh, let’s get some ice cream or coffee to sit down, actually get to know the person because you’re interested in the person and not trying to impress them. So there’s both sides because you want to show you care. But you also want to not, you don’t want to feel like like, I don’t know, you’re buying them…

Nicole:

What type of guy are you?

Alex:

I’m the like, let’s go bowling guy.

Nicole:

So you like an activity.

Alex:

I like an activity where we can, like, just loosen up, you know, just relax. And also something to keep us entertained but we can also have conversation in the meantime, you know…

Nicole:

For a first date, though, because that was a good amount of time. Bowling is like an hour and some change. It can be.

Alex:

It can be and it’s good. Because if you’re having a good time, you can always pay for another game. But if it’s terrible, you spent like an hour and a half.

Nicole:

That’s a lot.

Alex:
Relatively short date.

Nicole:

You think that’s a short day, an hour and a half? Oh, man, some people can’t get 20 minutes for me. I’m expensive.

Alex:

I mean, I have gone. I mean, I’ve gone on a date before where I pieced out like 30 minutes. Like it’s not like I was like, Oh, this is clearly just like not it, you know?

Nicole:

Wow. But was it like a date that was styled to be an hour and a half?

Alex:

It was like a coffee date? Probably.

Nicole:
Yeah, it was just like a casual. So I’m gonna tell you my take on that. And this is something that I ran into when I was dating, like while when I met you, but even before I met you, because I obviously stopped dating after haha. So I ran into this where I would get sort of the mixed bag, right? And I would get the guys who maybe got some inclination that I come from means myself like I have my own, that would then try to like overdo it. You know? And I mean, I’ve told you about some of these dates, like…

Alex:

You’re so used to a certain standard and they’re like, Oh, I gotta either meet that or superseded it.

Nicole:

And only use to the standard as an assumptive right? Because you know, me, I shop at Target. I cook my own meals, like I’m not fancy, but you actually probably have nicer tastes than I do when it comes to the day to day. I guess, I pretty much don’t care.

Alex:

Wait, we have this recorded, right? This is recorded. I’m gonna need that cut out. It’s going to be my ringtone.

Nicole:

Oh, no. Listen, listen, you know that I’m only picking in certain areas. I like a nice meal. Right? But I can make one myself. And I also like to travel well. Those are really the areas where I care the most. I like and my maybe my housing like I like to make sure my home is like safe and clean. But other than that, I’m not. Where else am I really, I shop on Amazon. I shop at Target. I cook like I’m just not super fancy fancy like that.

Like and whereas a lot of like I’m not a shoe. I don’t have closets full of shoes and handbags and gems. I have a couple of nice pieces.

Alex:

You have a couple of nice pieces and you really appreciate good, good well cooked and seasoned food. And your season is very, I said what I said.

Nicole:
It’s true, it’s true.

Alex:

And you like to travel well.

Nicole:

Right? Well, yeah, and so like, but that’s also because I don’t vacation enough so but I do. Now all that being said, though, people would think like I’ve had guys show up on dates be like, Oh, I got you this handbag, you know, like designer bags, and I’m just like, it’s weird.

Alex:

Weird.

Nicole:

So it always strikes me as strange. So like, I did coffee dates, and I liked them because they were respectful of my time. And it was an initial introduction and then we would commit to, it’s kind of like in business or in consulting. It’s like the discovery call but before the actual session. It’s like an intake form before we sit down for the actual VIP day.

Alex:

Sure, yeah.

Nicole:
So like that makes sense to me. But you know, a lot of women you know, in this argument are saying hey, this date thing is correlated with how much you value this initial interaction or how badly you want a wife from but it’s like, I don’t even know you yet. Like, that’s my take on it. Right? Yeah. And I still think that, you know, being respectful that all exists outside of the construct of the date is how you treat me on the date. You know what I mean? Like I’ve gone on, my first marriage. I believe I can even say that, Oh, my first marriage started with a quick date. You know, it was just like getting crepes, whatever else, you know, and look at how it turned out. Right? You know what I mean? So I just don’t think that the two are and I’ve been whisked away, like I have had full on fancy dates, you know, and I did not marry those guys. So…

Alex:

Right. And it’s and now I’m just curious, and I’m sure maybe some of the listeners are curious. Like, for an example, you said, somebody got you a bag?

Nicole:
Yes.

Alex:

Like what is like the most outrageous thing somebody like, gave you on a first date?

Nicole:

So I will tell you the most outrageous first date I was on was not, it wasn’t just about the gift. It was about the date. It was, Do you mind? Do you mind for me to do like, surprise, you know, do you want me to just do like a surprise for you. And I was like, Sure, which was weird to me, because I was kind of like, it’s all a surprise. But this person was a public figure. So I didn’t worry that they weren’t going to murder me, we were set up by our agents. So on this first date, they picked me up. Then they drove me to a private airfield. And when I got onto the plane, there was a purse in my seat in a box, you know, which I recognized the designer box and the size and so I knew it was a bag probably, it was a bag. And then we went to a private dinner at a fancy restaurant. You look like you’re cringing right?

Alex:

No, no, no, no, go.

Nicole:
Yeah, it was nice. Yeah, it’s a whole. It’s a whole lot. When we went to the dinner. With each course of the meal. It was a five course meal. There was a small gift. So there was like jewelry or whatever. And for me, I was like…

Alex:
What type of jewelry?

Nicole:

Cartier. Yeah, like actual like, it wasn’t, but it wasn’t expensive. Cartier was like 2000, 4000. It wasn’t like, like 15 or 10,000 Cartier, you know what I mean? Make no mistake, that’s a lot of money. Like, I’m just saying that the way Cartier is set up, like the a five course meal could be it could be equivalent to a single piece too. So it was just a lot, apparently, yes, I would say like gifts wise, they probably came out of pocket 25G’s for a date. And then if you count the flight alone, you know, flying private, they didn’t own the jet. You know what I mean? It was chartered, but I would say that they it was probably like between 30 and 40k. And it just wasn’t required.

I literally was like, look, I mean, honestly, I would have given you two to three days if you would have just wrote me the check. Just give me the three days. And the thing is, there was I’m not the type like…

Alex:

Right, like, here’s $25k, go pay some bills. <laughs>

Nicole:

I just, it was just weird. And it’s like I what I also thought was funny about it was I’m not the Instagram, there’s a category right of the lady who readily makes it clear that they are available for dating at a certain price point, you know, and I’m not that type. There’s nothing about me that indicated whatsoever that I was the, you know, showing myself, my wares on the net, you know, and you can just kind of this is what you’ll get from me to date this way. Right? Like, that’s just not my energy. And we were set up by my agent.

Alex:

And so how did the date go? So the person was nice. I also felt like just to be fair, also that this type of data is the type of date that they like. So does that make sense? Also, even though I felt like they were trying to impress me, it didn’t feel like a unique date with me in mind. And it also if they were trying to do something special, it wasn’t about me. And then it also felt like, but it didn’t feel like it was like this is how they travel or this is the type of life they have. Right. So you know, okay, yeah, right. But ultimately, I was like, we can be friends. Like it wasn’t something I was that entered, the conversation was kind of lacking. They were headed in a path in their life where I could tell they were looking for someone who would stay home, you know, and like be we had things in common like we wanted family. You know, all that, but I just was not right for them, for what they wanted.

Alex:

And so I got you a salmon roll.

Nicole:

You did. It was so sweet. I loved it so much.

Alex:
It’s so funny because comparatively it’s like okay, if you’re talking about the amount of money somebody’s going to spend…

Nicole:
No it was the intention.

Alex:
You got somebody who spent 25k or whatever more gifts and a lavish first date and we got sushi and I got you a salmon roll.

Nicole:
It’s true.

Alex:
And now we’re engaged.

Nicole:

That’s true. I came in on our first date. And I arrived a few minutes after you, maybe like 10-15 minutes after I arrived. You already ordered a couple of food items. You didn’t do the full thing but you’re like just in case you arrived hungry? Right? Because it was a little it was a latest dinner. It was like seven you’d already know. And I remember thinking to myself, I will never forget it registered. I was like how thoughtful, you know and like that to me, resonated.

Alex:

Yeah. And it’s like, so it’s just like funny. It’s those little things. It’s not the amount of money. It’s like the thought and the intention and just getting to know a person.

Nicole:
And which brings us to to the thing that I, you know, this conversation that’s happening where they’re like, you know, what messaging are you sending as a woman when you’re willing to accept a hey, let’s meet up for an ice cream cone, it’s a heatwave, sis. The message is, it’s hot outside.

Alex:

Because it’s hot, it’s gonna feel really good. And let us help. You know, like, yeah, right?

Nicole:

But, but you know, some, some women also are like, no, like, I want you to put money behind your intention, which I can, I can understand that.

Alex:
I can understand both sides of it, you know, and it’s like, if you really care and want impressed, like, go for like a nice dinner, but you know what I mean, like, a nice dinner is fine, it’s a good gesture.

Nicole:

But also, just be real, I feel like that’s reserved for if I knew you before, or if you were introduced to me through someone, like maybe, but if I want, if a guy really goes, not all out, but plans a little bit second date, to me, that’s a second date thing, because now I feel like you’re doing it for me. And ideally, you’ll integrate things that you may have learned during the first date.

Alex:

So on the first date, I learned you like this type of food. So let’s go here.

Nicole:
Right! That seems more meaningful to me. So in any case, all that being said, let’s talk about how this relates to this sense of worth this, you know, all these pieces are choosing your partners. So I’ll kick it off with my vulnerable share. You know, with my previous relationships, one of the things that ultimately I think led to the demise of, I’ve had multiple relationships, you know, my previous relationships was that I quickly, it’s a very, like consistent pattern, I would enter the relationship with an expectation of how the relationship would go, which is always a downfall, relationships should develop together, right?

That is something I’m doing right in this one, right. But I would come up with an expectation, this is what a boyfriend is, and this is how a girlfriend is, right? And then I would do the relationship and I would find that certain things that I think are standard in a relationship, whether it is being helpful towards your partner, being kind towards, you know, their family, or their peers, being encouraging of their goals and aspirations, showing up on time for things you say you will do, you know, even if you read my book, domestic violence, you know, like, there are different aspects, you know, that came up during, you know, many of my previous relationships that were, shockingly, to me, at least a surprise that weren’t in the understanding, right, that, like, we’re all on the same page.

And what’s interesting about that, is that part of what led to the demise of the relationship was that I would stay in these relationships way too long, you know, like, my domestic violence relationship was I was much, much younger, you know, I was in like, not even in my 20s, you know, it was one of my first boyfriends that I’d ever had. And I literally, was with the person who would convince me that like, well, this was a one off. You don’t I mean, or this was because I came home in this state or whatever.

And so I talk about it in the book, and I think a lot of people would be surprised to know that about me. But, you know, I thought that like, Oh, this is the standard. And then when I realized that wasn’t the standard, that was when I would leave. Until now in my 30s, you know, I’ve officially learned that no, you set your standard, you know, what I mean? And someone and they’re also things that are really, truly just standard, like your partner being kind to you is normal. Like, that’s why you’re in a relationship, right?

And if someone is constantly convincing you that that’s not the case, then that’s not the right partner. So I’m even saying these things I’m looking at you like, right, I feel like that’s how it goes.

Alex:

You’re on the right track.

Nicole:

Yeah. So our relationship, obviously, never none of these things have ever been an issue. But you’ve not you haven’t had this problem in your dating?

Alex:

Like, domestic violence?

Nicole:

No, no, of course not. That has not been an issue in yours. But I’m just saying that, like, you haven’t had the issue of recalibration of your standards, even though you’ve…

Alex:
No there was.

Nicole:

Ok well tell me more about that because what I’m talking about is the fact that like, you have always been very clear, like, no, like, my partner should be good to me. Like, that’s something that like whether or not you’ve accepted less, but you’ve always known it.

Alex:

I’ve always known it, but because I’m very empathetic, and I try to be understanding and always give the benefit of the doubt, you know, and I always try to see the best in people, you know, just like you do. And you know, I had an experience where I stayed in a situation that wasn’t super, it wasn’t, it wasn’t physically abusive, but it was more mentally, emotionally and emotionally.

Nicole:

So tell me more about first the part where it’s like getting your understanding of how a good relationship should be and look, where on earth did you get that from? I grew up and my parents were not great together. I talked about that in the book. They were not good together. I would wish they’d get divorced. You know what I mean? They were not good. And all my relationships therefore were… I just thought a woman’s job was to serve. Right. That was her greatest value.

Alex:

Yeah, I mean, I mean, yeah, my parents were a good example to me. For a lot of things, you know, like, I would see them fall asleep on the couch together, or my mom would get her hair done, my dad would always make sure he complimented her or found something to compliment her, you know…

Nicole:

He still touches her butt.

Alex:
He still touches her butt. Sorry parents, putting you on blast, but…

Nicole:

It’s true, though. It’s like we noticed and I love it.

Alex:

You know, my dad sometimes, like pat my mom on the butt. I’m like, those are like the little things you know, I observed and like, you know, picked up and they probably have no idea that I but it stuck with you. But it stuck with me, stuff like that stuck with me or like my. So the whole sense of self worth and understanding there. It’s so silly.

So my dad had like two sayings that he would repeat to me growing up that I never thought much of or I’m like, Dad, you’re a broken record. You know, like, Yeah, I heard you, I get it. Blah, blah, blah. So he was always in, he would always say it in this silly voice, which made it stuck even more, because I’m ridiculous like that. He’d always be, Be yourself! Be yourself. You know, he would always just say it in this silly voice.

Nicole:
When would he say this? Like, if you like, asked him for advice?

Alex:

Like if my friends were doing something or I saw something on TV, he’d be like, no matter what, be yourself, you know, you know, it’s like, I don’t know what accent it is.

Nicole:

He is a silly guy.

Alex:

Yeah he’s a silly guy and that’s why I am the way I am. Yeah, but it was just like the be yourself thing and, you know, he always said, do what you love, and the money will come. And those two phrases, like, for me kind of created this framework for myself, where it’s like, if, okay, I always live my life by the golden rule, treat others the way you want to be treated. And so if I always stick to that, then, you know, hopefully, I’m always doing the right thing.

Nicole:
So it has informed your decision making.

Alex:
And informed my decision making. And, you know, when you know, in life, you come across things, and that are, you know, just not positive influences for your life.

Nicole:
Let’s keep it real, like, what, like, when you’re because you’re in music…

Alex:
I’m in the music industry, everywhere you go it’s like sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

Nicole:
You just have to decide all the time.

Alex:
I’ve run into all the things and it’s just like, you have to decide what’s right for you. And you know, and I have in the back of my head, my dad being like be yourself.

Nicole:

And so but like, how did you decide what was your self versus the self that was required or required or requested?

Alex:

Well, because I would listen to what my gut was telling me if I saw that all these people are doing something and I didn’t want to do it, then I didn’t.

Nicole:

Can we pause on that for a second, because that’s the thing. Listening to your gut is something that I know that for me, was like, routed out. Like it’s part of the like being in bad relationships, because one of the sort of symptoms, that relationship that isn’t great is someone making a question your gut, you know, and your intuition. I’ve talked about this before, here, you know, with fresh starts, no one has ever, ever said, Oh, man, I went with my intuition. And what a horrible idea that was, you know what I mean? I listen to my gut, and what a fail, you know, people are always like, I listen to my gut, and thank God or I should have listened to my gut. And I wish I knew.

And so, I’m telling you in relationships, one of the things that I’ve seen, at least in my relationships is like, a symptom of me knowing the eventual demise was I wasn’t listening to my gut, right? But you grew up knowing that it was, because your dad would say, be yourself, that your gut was something that was worth listening to.

Alex:

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Nicole:
It’s a big deal.

Alex:

And so, you know, like, for example, you know, when I was in college, I was with somebody who drank a lot. And it was like a constant issue. And I tried, we tried to work it out. And I just realized over time, I’m like, I deserve you know, better than this. And then I broke it off, you know, I was with another girl for like, five years. And I never proposed or I never really saw a marriage happening, because it just wasn’t right, because she was kind of trying to, you know, she was Haitian, and she was brought up with a certain image of what a wife should be, should the value know the value system there.

And, you know, at the time, I wasn’t looking for the perfect housewife, I was looking for something else at the time, you know, I would align with you or something that would align with me because what everyone is looking for Isn’t this like, textbook thing. Everyone has different values, and everyone has something that they everyone has a different image of what they want in their life, and it’s important to get to know it’s great for the right person or person or yeah, she’s rather a different person, but that’s not what I what I wanted, you know, at the time.

So it was just, you know, listening to my intuition that like, I’m like on paper, you know, these are all the things but it just didn’t align with what I wanted. And it just, it wasn’t gonna work.

Nicole:

And so what happened? Because I brought this up with you before, and I want to have this conversation in front of my friends cuz I think it’s valuable. So you were in these relationships for a while. And that’s the thing that I think, you know, I’m hoping anyone who’s in a relationship because something that lands on my DMs a lot that you know, I would talk to you about is like people saying, I’m trying to get up the guts to get divorced or change my job or change my situation and getting up the guts, well, hey, your gut is clearly already telling you, the minute that you start feeling that it’s probably not right is probably the first step towards it being over, you know what I mean.

Alex:

Yeah but it’s a very big leap from feeling something was right. And then to actually do something about it.

Nicole:

Yes, yes. So how do we help people make that leap? What were some of the things you are looking for? Because I know that for me, I knew from probably and I talked about this, you know, one year into my relationship, we were having issues, right. And I’ve talked about this the entire time, because, you know, my entire marriage, I’ve been public on social media. So I’ve talked about that. We’ve had to get counseling here, we are still working on things here.

Even in the pandemic, I was like, well, we are on a thread, you know what I mean? So people have seen it coming. I’ve never tried to pretend like my relationships where I was never that person. But I didn’t listen to my gut. And if my gut knew one year in what you know, I have no regrets. I have zero regrets about being married to my partner, zero, you know what I mean, and I have zero regrets about having my babies and having the life that I had, if it got me here, everything was right, you know, so I have no regrets. And I don’t have anything evil or terrible to say about this person. Because in the season I was in, it served what it needed to serve.

But I absolutely knew things one year in before I finished the 12 year relationship, and I did not listen to them. And I probably did three to four years in that relationship that didn’t need to be there. You know, and they need to be there for other reasons. But you know, I probably could have just peaced out, stage left, to the left, to the left. So that being said, Why do you think he stayed? Like what signs for me it was that I was ignoring things because I was told hey, no, you should expect this. How dare you ask for this? This is normal. You know…

Alex:

For me, there was always the element of, oh, maybe they’ll come around maybe though, changing Listen, or be willing to do this other thing.

Nicole:

So it’s like looking at what do they call it? Looking at the potential? Not the person?

Alex:

Yeah, looking at the potential of what could be. But you know, after some time, you know, it’s a combination of that. And then also, the part of it is that I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. I don’t want to hurt anybody.

Nicole:
Well, that’s just you’d being nice,

Alex:
Yeah, but that’s probably a lot of people you stay, because you’re like, oh, that’s mean, like, I don’t want them to feel bad, it’s gonna break their heart, I feel so bad, right? And that’s a big part of it is that like, there is no way, when you start to realize there’s no way to fix your circumstance without hurting somebody else.

Nicole:
Or yourself! It’s someone’s gonna hurt, it’s either you in the relationship or…

Alex:
Somebody in this situation is going to hurt and the longer you stay, the more it will hurt. And that is a hard realization, because it forces you to do this really uncomfortable thing.

Nicole:

I just had a like, I’m not kidding. You just gave me like a Aha moment, you know, because that was something that came to me during my, like, sort of big split, you know, was that one of the big turning points was my partner saying, like, you know, I want more, I want different, I want whatever. And me looking at them saying, I don’t know if I can do that for you. And not even like when I tell you heart of hearts, like Oh, I feel even teary about it now, which is, I gotta tell you so weird to feel this way in front of you, you know, but I wish I could have done that for them. You know, it was this, like, I wanted my marriage, you know, and I guess it doesn’t feel weird because you know who I am, you know, how I committed and how I love hard and I am all in and I wanted it to work so badly. You know, and I wish I could have been what they were asking for. But I also could feel that I was like, I can’t even do this and if I stay I’m like, they look hurt. You may mean they look hurt. And if I continue to stay here and not be this thing that they think they need. I just keep hurting them. And that’s not okay.

Alex:

Yeah, it’s but it’s one of those things, you just don’t want to hurt them. You want to try to work it out.

Nicole:
And if I stayed longer, I would have heard of them more. Or at least they would have thought I was hurting them more or whatever. You know what I mean? Whatever it’s in their brain because they want certain things feel deprived from whatever…

Alex:
And the longer you stay, the more the relationship goes on. The more stuff you deal with together, the deeper your relationship goes. So when you finally break it, I mean it just hurts that much more…

Nicole:
But you can get past it.

Alex:

And like the bottom I mean like I feel like the bottom line of it is like whether you make that decision today or tomorrow, it’s knowing that you have to make that decision and actually making it. You know?

Nicole:
That’s so true. I think one of the things that I find to be interesting is like for me, I kept on so so the phrase I often use, and I talk, I use this phrase in my book, and I go into detail around it. But it’s a phrase that I don’t think I’ve talked about much here, but I’ll talk about it now is that in my relationships, it felt like happiness was a moving target.

It felt like once we would hit a certain goal, it felt like, Okay, well, I know, we hit this goal, but I don’t feel happiness so it’s actually this goal. Now, to some extent, you know, if you’re like, quote, unquote, power couple, whatever, you know, there’s nothing wrong with having ambition and drive and pushing it. But then there’s also when it’s not that when it’s like, I cannot find joy and contentment, because, well, nothing I do is made up, right, because, you know, I’m dealing with my own junk, right.

So part of, you know, that was something I was used to, for my own parents from, you know, all this stuff that I detail in, in, you know, text, right, but I will say that, there’s also the element of that being in a relationship where it’s like, no, and you’re crazy for thinking that this would have been good enough, you know, or you’re crazy for expecting me to show up this way. Or you’re crazy for thinking, I don’t have a right to tell you that it should be this, or it should be that or this is what I want. Or no, I can never do that thing, or I can’t be that thing. So I’m not gonna lie to you, when you talk about the, you know, the girl that you had a long term relationship with who was a housewife, like, in my head, I’m like, she was goals.

Like, I’m like, I know, that sounds crazy. Because I mean, I got you now so don’t worry about it. Like, it’s fine. But like, she took care of her home, she had a great job. She was kind of I know that there are elements there, you know, to remain offline, because you know, personal relationships. We always respect, you know, our previous partners. But overall…

Alex:
Overall she was great.

Nicole:
She was beautiful. She was smart, you know, like, you know, all of those things. So it’s just interesting to me. How did you keep yourself from not convincing yourself that you were the problem? Because here you are with someone. I know. You just took a deep breath. I’m just saying, how do you know you weren’t the problem?

Alex:

I mean, I guess I don’t.

Nicole:
Oop!

Alex:
I guess I guess I don’t know.

Nicole:

What is it? Taylor Swift says, Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me. Right?

Alex:

Yeah, right. I mean, I guess I don’t, but all I know is that it wasn’t working. And I wasn’t like, I wasn’t like super satisfied in my relationship. You know, there would be so many things, where we wouldn’t match up with things that we liked or things that they’re things that I convinced myself wasn’t important to me. Or wasn’t about my okay, just because she doesn’t like, I can just let that go. Whatever. Yeah, I mean, like that, whatever. I’m not gonna break up someone because of that, like, that’s fine, you know, or like, Oh, she’s not into this, like, Oh, I like to do this kind of activity. And she doesn’t. But little did I know all these little activities, this is how I like to spend my time.

Nicole:
This is the way you build a life.

Alex:
This is what forms your life is the way you spend your time. And if you don’t like to spend your time in a similar way, and it’s always the little things, right? It’s always like the little things.

Nicole:
Like I want to make dinner together. I want to watch a scary movie together. I want to blah blah blah, right? Like when we first got together, so I know I don’t know Nicole trivia hate scary movies. Hate horror, hate scary movies.

Alex:
So here’s the thing too. She also hated scary movies. Yeah, she hated horror and I was really really deep into it at that time.

Nicole:
You like a scary move.

Alex:
And I went and and the way that and that is a small thing, right? A seemingly small thing but the way in which it actually impacted our relationship Yeah, I would frequently stay, she would go to bed and I would stay up so I could watch a scary movie.

Nicole:
The latest movie or whatever it is or true crime thing or whatever that you want, some horror movie.

Alex:
And I could watch what I wanted to watch after she went to bed and so just because of that, we never really went to bed together. You know, and that’s a big thing for a couple to go to bed together. And just because she didn’t like horror movies, you know, it made me stay up and I could do my thing. Yeah, and just because she didn’t like to and I’m like okay, maybe I need somebody who’s, you know, I don’t need it all the time but like…

Nicole:

Well that’s how we handle it like you know, I don’t like scary stuff. So I’m like we can watch it during the daytime…

Alex:

But right but bless you I mean you’re trying to figure out my muscle like so I don’t even needed all the time just like you don’t I mean I don’t need to watch a horror movie daily or like crazy stuff but like once in awhile.

Nicole:
But if there’s a big one that comes out like I understand that like it’s a big deal that and also you know that I’ve categories I will never touch like I don’t like the creepy psychological ya know? Demonic weird stuff like I don’t even need that energy. But if it’s just like a psychological true crime thriller, you know, like I don’t even I don’t love those either, but I can I can make it happen. 

Alex:

I mean, we watched Black mirror yesterday.

Nicole:
Like I’m flexing my my scary muscle, but I’m also doing that because one, I see some of the value that can be very interesting. But also, you know, I want to be with you and learn more about what you like.

Alex:

And that’s the thing is like that you you making the effort to like, appreciate and like what I like, yeah, me, you know, and I’m like if you’re into something, you know, there’s shows that you’re into or too.

Nicole:
Well, we were watching Dance mob the other day and he was like, Oh, are they up against Candy Apple Dance Center again? And I was like stop.

Alex:

What’s candy apples doing this week?

Nicole:

You get into and it’s really funny. <both laugh>

And so I think that one of the things that’s a call out here that is powerful for me, and hopefully for my friends that are listening is that y’all? Listen, I need you to absorb some of the energy of what he’s saying here where he’s like, look, I realize that yeah, maybe I’m the problem. You know, maybe I’m the one who doesn’t like the same stuff or doesn’t appreciate that they want to be this housewife. And maybe that is the perfect ideal. But you know what, that’s okay, because that’s who I am.

Alex:

And I’ll and I’ll add to this. So with her specifically, a big thing was if there was a problem, or if we got into an argument or whatever, she would just sweep it under the rug and pretend like there was no problem because she wanted to be this Instagrammable perfect couple that like everything was great. And I’m like, everything isn’t great, we need to talk about this, this and this. And she wanted to pretend, you know, like that it wasn’t an issue. So whether I’m the problem or not, I was the only one trying to tackle any problems, right? I don’t know if I was creating them right, or whatever. But at least I wanted to talk about them and try to work it out and she didn’t. And that was ultimately what what broke it.

Nicole:

And again, that’s the thing, too, is like I just again, I want people to really pick that up is, even if the things you’re asking for can feel ridiculous. And I’m not kidding, this is literally what changed my life, I would say this is almost one of the starting points of starting over, was realizing that maybe the things I am asking for are ridiculous. Maybe the things that I say that I want are not standard, you know, according to what I’m hearing from my partner after 10 years, 12 years 15, 20 of a relationship, to five years of relationship. But so, and that is the energy you have that like, you know, we joke all the time about privilege, and you know, or not joke about it, but we talk about privilege, and we talk about, you know how some people on this earth walk around with the energy of, it’s not gonna be me, I’m gonna do what I want, you know, like, maybe this was one of those places where we all deserve to have a little bit of that energy.

Alex:

Yeah, I mean, you you want what you want, you know, there is I think there is a delicate balance to that.

Nicole:
Sure, we got to grow, we got to get to grow. Yes you’ve got to grow and give.

Alex:

And also we can’t just expect everything just because like, I mean, but if you do, go find yourself a man or a woman that provides all those extra things.

Nicole:

Yes. I’m not even mad at the woman who wants to be with the guy who pays all the bills and all that like…

Alex:

Because there are guys who would love to do that in that dynamic. And that’s what that for it worked for them. So if that works, and you deserve says, Go get it, I’m not mad. And if you’re not in that situation, if you want all the things and you’re with somebody who’s not giving them to you, you know, I guess you know, go get it. And if, you know, hopefully that person who doesn’t want to give all the things will realize that like they’re with somebody who wants like, like, would that person want to be with somebody who wants all those things? Right? You’re not the somebody who wants to give all those.

Nicole:
Right. Just being in a partnership with someone who the expectations are matched up, right, needs to be matched. I will say that. And you know, I don’t know if I’ve said this before here, maybe it’s just the style of conversation we’re having. But you know, being in a relationship with you, you know, I have really had to own up to what I didn’t do well, in my previous relationship. I think I have said that before in my previous relationship, because, you know, some of the things my partner was asking for 100% I think were realistic things to ask for, you know, and it felt like in that partnership, they were not things that I could do for a variety of reasons, some of which are very well informed on, you know, where it was like, I can’t give in this way, you know, like, because of the nature of our relationship.

However, I have no problem giving him that way in this relationship, and I think sometimes we’ll often get caught up in the will if you did this, then I would do this, you know, and I’ve had to learn that no, like, there are times where I’ll do things for you, or with you or for us, you know, and it’s not by prompting, but I don’t even want to say I don’t believe in testing a relationship, but it’s almost like a trust play. Where it’s like, you’ve never let me down. I say this all the time. Like you never let me down in response.

So even if I feel myself cringe or feel triggered that something will come up where I’m like, Oh, he’s not gonna do it. He’s not gonna do the right thing. He’s gonna be mad, he’s gonna whatever, you always respond in a way that soothes my soul, you know, and that has really helped me heal and grow and build a healthy relationship. So it’s just weird place where Maybe the standard is the standard with you. You know, and it wasn’t the standard with my partner.

Alex:

I mean, you know, that’s just part. That’s also, that’s our standard.

Nicole:

I guess it’s the definition of it, too. Yeah. So I guess it does boil down to that thing. It’s so interest, I guess it does boil down to that thing that you know, you’re saying, which is like, you even if what you’re asking for feels crazy. You’re allowed to be crazy, like, just go find out with the person that your crazies match up?

Alex:

No, like, right. But you also have to understand, like, if you’re asking for crazy, you need to know that you’re asking for all of us extra, you can’t expect like this a standard.

Nicole:

No, no, no, but that’s what I say. But that’s the whole point of what I’m saying is it’s not asking for crazy, like, for real for real, because, for instance, let’s just use, like proper working scenario. If I’m like, hey, I need to be in a relationship with someone who is going to make me breakfast every morning, girl, find yourself a chef, you know what I mean. If that’s what he wants, if that’s how that works out. Because asking that if somebody who likes to sleep until noon, and you get up at eight, that sounds crazy in that relationship, but the request itself is not crazy. You know what I mean? So like, I just look at my previous relationships and some of the things that were asked of me like, I could never you not I mean, like and for that person, I would never and I will never you know what I mean? Like and that is clearly you know, just how it’s set up. But for you, like there’s some things you asked me and I’m doing them before you even ask me like, we laugh sometimes, like when we’re on a good roll and you’ve been just top tier, you know what I mean? You’re like, oh, that’s all I had to do. And I’m like anything, any baby. I made you a meal? You don’t mean, we call it lovey week, right?

Alex:

<laughs>

Nicole:
Why you even laughing?

Alex:

Lovey week, it’s true. It’s true.

Nicole:

What do you what do you what do you need up? Let me make him a meal. Let me just like I’ll be on like some superduper extra. You know, when that happens? I’m like, what do you need? Babe? I got you. Yeah, like,

Alex:

And I’m, I don’t know, I’m easy. You made me some food? I love you. 

Nicole:

But then let’s call it out though. Maybe you are the issue. You are the problem. Oh, here’s why. Oh. So I have seen you come home after a gig or whatever else and I have like a hot plate of your faves. And you’re like, I can’t believe this meal is here. Your ex-girlfriend used to do that for you all the time. She would have food. You’ve told me everything. First of all, you have dated women of color. Okay, you were fed.

Alex:

They’re were all excellent cooks.

Nicole:

They fed you. They did so why are you sitting here acting like they weren’t stacking up? Do you know what I mean? Like, but when I do it, it’s Oh baby. Oh, baby.

Alex:

When they did it, I was the same way.

Nicole:

Oh, you just liked a meal. This talk is over, shoutout to all his exes. Amazing. Shout out to all his exes. You were amazing. He’s the issue.

Alex:

<laughs>

Nicole:

No, I don’t, I got the ring. Seriously, though, I have learned so much being in a relationship with you about learning how to flex my expectations, and that it really isn’t about sort of the give and take transactional nature of a relationship. Because if you find yourself in a relationship where it’s tit for tat, you did this, or I do this, or I do this because you do this. And happiness is a moving target and we’re setting different standards. The truth is when you’re in a partnership that flows properly that person just it’s like a giving circle that you just want to be part of.

Alex:

Yeah, there’s like a, it’s funny, there’s this movie that always stuck with me. And I apply it to music and I apply it to life and it’s so it’s a movie called The Robots. Would you talk about with oh my god, the comedian, Robin Williams. And anyway, there’s a saying in that movie, it’s all about inventors and they say see need, fill a need. Mm hmm. And that saying I’m always like, okay, you know, sometimes I don’t see the need and so it’s not filled, right? But if I do see it, you know, I’m like, Oh, the trash needs to go out.

Nicole:
Yes you’re very thoughtful.

Alex:

Or like you know what I mean? Like if you just see something you see a gap somewhere you see you need you fill it you know you just like take care of something that you notice can be done but you’re trying to be helpful like that.

Nicole:

I’ve been in relationships where my previous partners have looked me dead in the face and said I am not a thoughtful person. Yeah, and for some reason I thought that would change. No, they said it that’s all me you don’t have you told me who you Well, but I will say that one of the things just using this past week for an example, you know, I started recording the audio book, nothing is missing my book and you knew that I’ve been building up to this, you know, you in particular being in the industry know what it’s like to be in the studio for hours trying to get whatever the footage is, whatever the clip is, whatever you need. And I didn’t even know what I was getting into, I kind of was like, I’ll get myself ready, I’ll kind of whatever, you know, and you came into the studio with me in the morning, just to make sure you know, everything was lined up.

Alex:

Like this is a big undertaking.

Nicole:

Yeah. And you were like, I just and also blending your expertise, you’ve done this for a long time, you know that, you know what I sound like, you know what I sound like, when I don’t sound good, you know, you know, my energy levels, everything. So you just came in, in the beginning, you were only there for like, 90 minutes an hour, you know, something like that, if that, you know, just to make sure I was good, you know, but then while I was gone, and in the studio, you took care of the baby, you made the bed, like just all the little attention things, you know, oh, you got me flowers and a note, you know, and like, I come back and I’m like, it was just the minute I walked in and I saw all of that.

Also, knowing the day you had, like you had your own studio stuff, you had your own things you had to before you had shows coming up, and you somehow manage, I still don’t know, to this moment how you managed to do all of it. And honestly, the thing that occurred to me was like he is treating me the way that I’ve treated my previous partners, and I didn’t have to ask for it. Like, he sees my worth. And he treated me as such.

And the first thing I wanted to do was, like not in a transactional way, was like, How can I make it easier for him? You know, like, so what does he need? Does he need a meal? Does it need food? Does he whatever and I was like, Okay, I’m gonna cook, I’ll figure something out and starting point. You know what I mean? Let me create space here for this. I’ll take the baby to school in the morning. So you can sleep in like, you know what I mean?

And I think that that’s where, I don’t know, that’s where it starts working. But I want I’m with someone who makes you want to do that, not just through what they do, but the way they show up.

Alex:
Yeah.

Nicole:

Yeah. So just letting you know, friend, if you’re listening this conversation if you feel like you’ve got a big, crazy, audacious, hairy list of things that you’ve got to have. You’re not crazy for having that list. You just got to find someone who wants to give it to you. It’s that simple.

Nicole:

Hey, friends. So as you know, throughout this season, I’ve been sharing different stories about starting over, starting fresh, and just growing. And you also know that I have a new memoir that is coming out and we’re getting closer and closer to the big day. It’s coming out October 10. But it is available for pre-sale now. Now here’s why pre-sale is so important one, every single pre sale purchase counts towards the greater number when they are calculating things like New York Times bestseller list. And, you know, getting that visibility around an everyday girl’s story on how she made it made it someone just like you was able to get there without being weird or compromising their values and just doing the old schoolwork. So we want to hit those numbers and grabbing your book now helps me do that, you know. But the other thing is that if you grab your book, now, I have bonuses, a sneak peek at the prologue and chapter one. And on top of that, your book will arrive on your doorstep when it comes out rather than later.

So no spoilers, you’ll be able to be the first to read it. And we can talk about it in real life on my book tour, which starts in October. So grab your book now anywhere retailers are sold, it’s called Nothing is Missing. And I’m just so grateful because so many of you have already grabbed it. And actually, I’ve gotten a lot of feedback around the prologue and chapter one, and we’re just diving in. So thank you so much for that. Thank you for all of you who grabbed it, get out there and grab your book now

But I wanted to talk about something today that actually I dive deep in, in the book, it’s a theme that comes up often. And I’m actually living the outcome right now, of the behavior that I showcase in the book. Oh, that’s hitting. Because I’m like, there’s I don’t want to say, guilt or shame or difficulty but I’m just very aware, because I’m sort of paying the price for the choices that I made. And my memoir is really about that. It’s about just all these choices in the lessons and you know, some of you are in it now some of you have experienced the season before, but I go into my childhood and having kids and you know how I got my kids, you know, adopting them and dealing with stage four cancer and the breakdown of my marriage.

And you can read all of that. But I’m living the outcome, the byproduct of those choices today. And that’s what I wanted to talk about. If you’ve been following along on social media, at Nicole Walters on Instagram, I’m on threads app, I’m on Facebook, just Nicole Walters around the internet, you have seen that over the past two, three years, I’ve been sharing about some of the difficulties in dark times. And ultimately the joy and recovery and healing of going through a divorce and falling in love and becoming engaged again.

And a lot of you reached out to me in the early season of my divorce because I didn’t outright say I was going through a divorce. And part of why I didn’t outright share that was because one, I was still figuring it out, right? You know, you already know me. I share my scars and not my scabs. I was still sorting through, I’ve never said this before, but I thought we might get back together. I thought I might go back home, I wasn’t quite sure, you know, what would happen.

I was really taking it day by day, I couldn’t believe where I was. I didn’t know what it would mean for my kids. And I was just trying to be very tender with myself. And, and frankly, I didn’t say much just because I wanted to be careful with what I said, in case things worked out. You know, and I wanted to be careful with what I said in case things didn’t and my kids were to listen to this later. So I just really didn’t say too much. But simultaneously, I was also working on my book, and I was writing and if you go back and just scroll through social, you know, social leaves clues, you know, you can see where I was talking about, you know, just darker days, and it was just hard. And I was sad.

And you know, I want to tell you a little bit more about that time, maybe a little bit more transparently. Maybe because I understand it a little bit better now since I’m on the other side of those specific emotions, even though I’m still dealing with the various elements of grief around, you know, a lost marriage. And I will tell you that I don’t know when that grief is going to subside because you know, there is and I just want to be clear also I think a lot of women who’ve gone through bad breakups or divorces that you know, were unexpected. You know, you’re grieving a fantasy, you’re not really grieving the reality. I’m grieving the idea of what I thought my marriage was I do not grieve you know the reality of what it actually was because I’m in a relationship now that has helped me and healed me and is healthy and gives me so much joy every day.

So, you know, I’m thankful that I get to live in what was my fantasy in the present. But I do mourn sort of the rose-colored glasses that I used to own, you know, but truth is always better, right? So that said, you know, during the time when I immediately emerge from my divorce, I don’t do too many episodes where I really dive deep into it, because it is still something I’m unpacking. And I also want to respect, you know, my ex, and I want to respect you know, my kids and all that. But, you know, one of the things that was tough was everything. I spent almost a year in one of the worst forms of depression I’ve ever gone through.

I used to think that I’d already experienced depression. I thought that, you know, the seasons of burnout where I maybe questioned my purpose, or hard work or things of that sort that, you know, I was in a funk, or I was bummed out about results that, you know, oh, you know, this is what depression was, oh, oh, no, no, no, when I tell you, I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep consistently. I literally was in a fog. I mean, I was incoherent, I wasn’t kind, you know, when I could interact, I was impatient at times. I felt hopeless. I lost, you know, like, 22 pounds in like a month, you know, like, call it the divorce diet, but I mean, I was barely feeding myself.

And I talked about it in the book, the first couple of days after I landed in California, you know, I slept for 36 hours, you know, not to mention just the physical health symptoms, you know, that my doctors were able to track my blood pressure was through the roof. My skin, I for the first time I was experiencing cystic acne, which is something that I have never experienced in my life, and my skin was breaking out just terribly. I was dealing with facial paralysis, I mean, just truly my body was breaking down, in addition to the fact that I could not care for my body.

And that meant I also was unable to earn income, you know, because an element of my work right now is, you know, obviously being on camera and going to speaking gigs and traveling. And when I tell you, I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t even, I don’t even know if it’s find the motivation, I couldn’t see the purpose, I was so deeply sad, because I thought everything was over, I was hopeless. And I want to let you know that one of the things that is finally a takeaway from that moment that I wanted to share with you and that you may understand is, depending on the seasons you’ve been in, is that as a God girl, that, you know, I was really being humbled.

And I want to be really clear about what I’m saying, because I don’t want people to hear that we’re deserving of depression. That’s not what I’m saying. And I’m not trying to say that, you know, because some of us it’s, it’s not situational depression, it’s a chemical depression, which is why medication is warranted, therapy is warranted. So I want to be very responsible in saying that, not all depression is the same. And not all situations are the same. However, what I can tell you is of the many things that I had learned from this season of my life. One of the things that was a huge takeaway for me was a humbling of myself.

And that humbling was because, you know, in my previous relationships, I was very codependent. You know, I was codependent and feeling that my prime responsibility, worth and value existed in what I did, and how I showed up as a mother, as a wife, as a teacher. And if I was able to show up completely, and always in all forms, sacrificing self and well being, that was me at my best. That was my greatest value. And I talked about this in my book. Actually, if you purchase, you know, the book and presale, you actually get chapter one where I tell a story about witnessing some of the things my mother did, very early on, that reinforced this idea. And for those of you who’ve already read it, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

I really did believe that a woman’s highest value and what is most respected by her peers, her spouse, her children, and God was that she set herself on fire just to keep the people around her warm. And when I tell you that I’m realizing that if I was so sick that I could be nothing to no one and that I couldn’t even take care of myself. That thought alone was depressing because I couldn’t figure out how I had value if I wasn’t like making money or serving. And it was humbling because it meant that in order for me to get myself up and out of this, I had to figure out what my value look like, outside of being a wife, and outside of making money because Lord knows I wasn’t doing it in that season.

And the only way I was able to get myself up, and here’s the lesson, and for those of who are in this now or version of this now, or or you see, or if you’re seeing this for yourself in the future, was that I had to ask for help. It wasn’t in some magical class, it wasn’t in some magical meal, or it wasn’t in some crazy, you know, coaching or what have you, you know? Yes, it did mean, I leaned into therapy, yes, I accepted whatever help I could get, you know, medically, whatever. But the truth was, it was asking for help. Asking for help is something that I did not do in my previous relationship enough. And when I did do it, and it wasn’t affirmed, I felt like okay, well, this isn’t safe to ask for, it isn’t something I should do consistently. If you do, it’s not warrant, it’s not necessarily warranted, you know, I just saw, I’ll just do it myself.

And I think a lot of us lean into that because we take pride in being able to do it all, or we don’t want to, I can’t tell you how often I hear from my clients where they’ll say, I don’t need an assistant, because I’ll just have to manage that assistant, or if they get it wrong, I have to fix it, or they’ll mess everything up. And I will tell you that if you are not willing to learn to ask for help now, you will be forced to learn how to ask for help later. You will have to, and, and it’s not just asking. So there’s two types of help that can come into your world are two ways. One of them is asking, and the other one is accepting.

And when I tell you being humbled, because I could not feed myself. I was losing weight, because it felt too heavy to pick up my phone to even order food. I had to accept help of people, so they were going to send me food. I was struggling to earn income. Fortunately, because I built a business in a way where I had recurring income, I had multiple income streams, I came from corporate and I know what I’m doing in business, thank God, you know, I’d already set it up where, you know, I was still generating income, even though I could not show up. So I was grateful for that, because my family did not suffer in that capacity. But I could not add to my income, I could not, you know, engage in new things.

And I literally, you know, was so humbled that literally, it came to a point where I remember, I was laying on a couch in, you know, California in my apartment at the time. And I was just sobbing. And I was just so I was sobbing. And I remember I was literally vocally asking God, like, you know, what do I do next? You know, what do I do next? And, you know, what came to me, whatever your belief system is, you know, as I’m laying on this couch was ask.

And in my head initially, I’m like, I am asking you right now, what do I do? What do you mean ask? And I felt my phone buzzing, you know, and it was a variety of friends. I have a great chat group with you know, my, my squad, my girls, you know, and when I tell you it, and I think I know I’m speaking to one of you right now, friend, I know I’m talking to someone specific, you know. But I didn’t feel good enough to ask. What is my value to just ask you for something because I don’t even feel like I have anything to give? You know, I don’t feel like I have anything to offer right now. You know, and the thing that I had to learn was that for some people, the gift of being able to help the strong friend is a gift in and of itself. Like that’s a blessing to them. To be able to be in a position to serve someone that they feel is a good person and on a good trajectory and is a good mom.

And there are things people know and think about you, about your talent, your skills, about your gift. It’s something that you show to others, you know, that it’s the mentorship, it’s the support. People want to be in a position to help serve you because they know they’re helping serve a greater purpose. They know your intention and allowing them to do that is a blessing that we do not have a right to rob people of, you know, and I am just so grateful just a shout out to you know, all my girls squad to my friends to you, you know, I asked for prayer, you know from you and for my community and y’all gave it to me.

And I got very good at asking, you know, and I got very good at accepting. And accepting even looked like when someone said, hey, I can come watch the kids. Yes. You deserve to get a nanny, you know, full time to help support because in this season, you know, if you aren’t able to get out of bed that day, you need someone who’s going to help you, you know, and you have the means to do it. That is what the money is for, that is what the old you sacrificed for in preparation for this season, like, you know, do it.

You deserve, you know, to let us help you run your business, I have a really good friend who I talk about extensively in this book, who stepped in, in a way that I will never be able to repay. There’s just, there’s no quantifiable amount on this planet. But she will never want for as long as I live and neither will her children because of the way that she showed up for me. I could not, I could not make certain decisions in my business and in my life. And she stepped in completely and selflessly and made them as if it were her own. And I will forever thank her for that. And it’s simply because I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t, you know, and she saw that and she stepped in. And I said, Yes, I accepted.

And if there is a place right now in your life, where you know that you just don’t have it, you don’t have anything else to give. And it’s not because you lack it’s because you’ve given 100% everywhere else. I ask you, friend, not to let yourself drown while you are surrounded by life preservers. Just reach out and grab one. They’re there, because you earned it through there, because you deserve it. They’re there because your life, your purpose, the way you show up, deserves to continue to remain afloat. And the idea that you think you’re going to uplevel because a lot of times in these seasons of divorce, have struggles of difficulty, of layoff, of hardship, of postpartum, of pregnancy, of all of the different things that we were struggling with. In the seasons they’re a precursor to what comes next to where you’re headed.

And in order to get there, you may need as you’re being shaped and formed into the being that’s going to arrive in that next big moment, you may need a little bit of carrying. And I promise you, if you look to your left, and if you look to your right, it’s so easy for us to say no one comes and helps me. I’m on my own. That’s one of the biggest lies, you know that our mind will tell us that the enemy wants us to believe because we thrive in failure, we’re more inclined towards failure when we think we’re alone.

Because the truth is, if you look to your left, you look to your right, nothing is missing, you lack nothing. If it’s accepting help, meaning I’m at the grocery store, and I need help with loading my items into the cart, load them, that two ounces of energy that you get to save you will need for later for what God’s bringing to your plate. If it is at the job, and someone’s like, Hey, I got this, cut out early. Let them get it and cut out early. You deserve that. You know someone sees you and they see what you offer. Let them lean into it. If someone says I want to make this introduction for you, accept it. If someone saying they want to invite you to the opportunity take it if someone saying that they want to help support you and your brand and whatever else and they’re doing it with the best intentions and it is a platform you align with, accept it and say yes.

If someone’s saying they want to watch the kids to give you a date night, take it if someone says if the kids are even saying Hey Mommy, let me help you with that, they want to load the laundry or take care of the cleanup allow them to and don’t feel like you have to do something else sit your hide on the couch, you deserve it. Your husband says he wants to take the kids out for the day and leave you at home let him. He wants to go and do carpool in the morning so you can sleep in, sleep in girl! I’m telling you that if you simply say going forward for just the next three days, that you are going to just say yes to all the help that is offered, it will change your life. And when I tell you when you start realizing how many people want to show up for you the meaning in your worth and how deserving you are of that it really does change your energy and it gives you more energy.

And I can tell you that again, like I said shout out to all the people who’ve supported me, it has formed me into a person who for this next chapter is going to do so much more and is doing so much more simply because I’m not doing it by myself. And I recognize that we really are better together. And not only am I grateful though people in my corner, but I’m grateful for you. Because I truly could not have made it to this season to this conversation to this lesson and everything else I share in my book and that I share here and that I share on social, if it wasn’t for the prayer and the covering. But I also want you to know that came from me sharing vulnerably and for me asking.

So thank you for the support and for showing up as an answered prayer when I asked for help but I also ask that you do the same for yourself because friend, you deserve.

Nicole:

Hey, friends. So I know that so many of you met me through one of my many viral videos and I want to actually take you back. This is a story I have yet to tell but people asked me about all the time. I have had three pretty big viral moments, actually one of them has more views than the entire country of Australia. So combined, I probably have maybe 200 million views under my belt and they’re made up of pretty much these three viral videos.

And it’s likely where we’ve either met or where you’ve seen me before, but may not have recognized me. And the reason you may not recognize me is because if you don’t know this yet, this is the secret to getting a viral video, make sure you look a hot mess. If you don’t have makeup on, if your hair is not done, if you aren’t wearing a bra, if you are breaking out and sweat, odds are you will likely go viral. It is never when your life is together.

Okay, I’m just letting you know that right out of the gate. So you may not have recognized me but you’ve probably seen one of my videos. Now, the first one was when I was hiding from my neighbors, if you will. And this one was just what I was taking my daughter to the bus stop. So this was almost gosh, six, seven years ago. And people call it either the tennis mom video or the bus stop mom video. But essentially, I was taking my daughter to the bus stop in the morning and I was talking about how just difficult it is to make nice with the other cool moms in my neighborhood because frankly, y’all know me, I’m not the cool mom, not in that traditional sense, right? I’m like the cheese eating, kind of dusty, you know, still thrift for my kids, even if I live in the nice neighborhood type of mom, right? This is why we are the same, right?

But I’m living in you know, at the time, I was living in this like, you know, fancy pants suburban neighborhood where you know, all the moms, you know, played tennis every day. And they wore their tennis outfits to the bus stop. And y’all I am scrambling in the morning. I mean, I am combing my way in the dark to grab clothes off my bathroom floor while I run this kid to the bus stop because I barely have it together. And I am shoving you know a bagel in her hand and hoping that she’ll eat it on the bus, like this is me. And then you get to the bus stop. And then the moms are like, you know, trying to chat but it’s always like the same type of mom chat. And realistically, like I didn’t brush my teeth. I don’t really want to talk like it’s this weird thing.

So I you know, kind of captured that moment, you know of like them asking me things like, is the bus always that late? Yes. It’s always this late. But trust me, it always comes and our kids always disappear. Oh my gosh, it’s so hot in Maryland today. What’s up with the weather? And I’m like, yeah, sometimes it’s hot. Sometimes it’s cold. So this was the first viral video and it just took off because so many of the mamas out there related to the awkwardness of just being a hot mess. While some of these other moms seemed like they professionally have it together. So it was a combination of both just sheer laughing at ourselves, right like self deprecating. We are hot messes together, unite. And a little bit of that, you know, I don’t know, admiration, if you will, because there are some of us moms who are managing to, you know, give our kids kisses on the head and have them all put together, knowing they’ll roll right back to us looking a hot mess. Right?

So all that being said, that was my first viral video, and then my second viral video was when I was dropping my daughter off at college. And this was also a mom video, ironically enough, and we had dropped her off to college three days prior. And this video was me going back to the college and literally walking around the campus looking for my daughter, and I was looking for my daughter because I hadn’t heard from her in three days. And this viral video had again, a mixed response, right? You know, half the moms were like, look, this is me. I don’t care where you are. If I don’t hear from you for three days, you are my daughter, I am coming to find you. Right, like a lot of us related. We’re like I am on that energy.

And then of course the other side of it, which we will talk about today a bit, you know, which was, oh my gosh, let your kid breathe. Like you don’t hear from her for three days, don’t be a helicopter mom. We’re gonna talk about that today. No, we’re gonna talk about that response. And then my last viral video or most one of my most recent ones, I’ve had some mini viral videos, shout out to AJ of the Backstreet Boys this week who stitched one of my videos on Tiktok where I was with the Puffin at a diner and… it’s hilarious.

You guys have to go to my Instagram at Nicole Walters and watch this video. And I was sitting with her and She was like, Oh, Mom, look at those older adults over there having breakfast. That’s so awesome. They look like some type of band. And I was like, what type of band are they look like? And she said, the Backstreet Boys, y’all, when you watch this video and see I do a slow pan over to you know who she was talking about? They looked more like the Beach Boys. Okay. I mean, they were literally I don’t think there was a single person at that table under the age of 70. And I literally looked at her and said, how old do you think the Backstreet Boys are? Like, you’ve got to be kidding me. And needless to say, it was like a really funny, cute moment. And it found its way to the Backstreet Boys, when Lance Bass of insync saw the video and sent it to them.

So cute little viral moment this week, and it’s, you know, circling around. But my third viral moment was actually back in 2020, when I shared a little bit of my story in my background, about, you know, being a black woman in America doing the sort of racial reconciliation moment awareness, you know, that occurred after George Floyd’s murder. And, you know, what was interesting was, so many of the moms who had found their way to me in the previous two videos, really, were touched by that sharing because it was relatable, it was something that they could understand. And they felt like I used language that allowed them to be empowered to share the story as well, and really understand some of the struggles and difficulties of being black in America.

And, you know, having kids and wanting them to be safe, and all all those things. So, you know, I’m really blessed to have had, you know, several videos that brought both laughter and learning into people’s lives. And it’s likely how you found me, but I want to share with you today, the other side of that. So one of the things that is very difficult about being out in the world, and I share this with you, because I know a lot of you either are hesitant to share your life, you choose to be private, because it’s easier, you know, and that is your choice, and it is appropriate, some of you feel called to do more, you know, to be able to be out there and, you know, maybe share your story. Some of you feel that poll or that tug, or you’re trying to find that happy balance of boundaries, and also sharing what you know.

And I just, you know, always want to give you kind of as friends, you know, the perspective of what that’s like, and some of the hard things I’ve had to deal with, and just be very transparent. So a lot of people see these viral moments, and the feedback and response can be different. So on some of the videos, what I’ll say, let me just shout this out, friends overwhelmingly, is no matter what you do in life, it always turns out better than you hoped. I just want to be really transparent about that. It always, always turns out better than you hoped. So from all of this viral exposure, my life overwhelmingly is better. I have had an increase in visibility, I’ve had an increase in opportunities, I’ve had an increase in income, my children have been blessed, like it has overwhelmingly been good.

I will also say that a lot of that is because the content that I do is with the intention of being good. There are lots of ways to go viral and if you have a history of creating content that is impactful and positive. And again, good, you know, you will see positive things from that even if you have mixed feedback from it. Now to that mixed feedback. One of the things that’s very difficult about being a public figure or having a life with more visibility is that you will get negative feedback. And this is something that I have never really said out loud, because I’ve always been kind of scared to say it out loud, because I’m like, I don’t want people to use it against me. And it is definitely a sore point. But I’ve chosen today to say it out loud. Because I’ve always found that whenever I keep things to myself, it has more strength versus saying it out loud.

So the truth is, it’s amazing, all the things people will come for me for they will come for me for my marriage, for being in love for losing weight for, you know, growing my business, for everything. And crazily enough, as much as people will come from me for those different things, you would think that that would affect me. And it really doesn’t. Whenever people have a commentary, as someone who’s lost over 100 pounds regarding my weight or my body, it’s not a nice thing to say, right? And those things are impolite, but they don’t actually hurt my feelings. And the reason why they don’t hurt my feelings is because, you know, that sort of stuff is, I know who I am. I feel comfortable in my body. Like it just doesn’t feel true. Right? It’s not something that taps on an insecurity. And I think a lot of you can relate to that.

People can say certain things about you and it just sounds so outlandish and weird that it just doesn’t really affect you kind of rolls off your back a little easier. But the one thing that overwhelmingly, I can feel myself getting like choked up about it because it just, it’s such a thing that is so hard for me to hear as negative feedback. And it is difficult is about my parenting. It’s about being a mother.

And I’ve never said this out loud, because I’ve always been really scared that like, if I say it will people come for more will people use and leverage it more knowing it’s more sensitive, but I also know that in holding it in, you know, it gives it more power. And I want to say overwhelmingly, the world is incredibly supportive of me as a mom. I think other moms can see and understand the challenges of being a mom. And so we’ve gotten very good at giving grace and thankfully, a lot of you hear and, you know, if you’re a newbie joining the journey, you know, you have seen the journey of me being a mom, literally from before I adopted my girls all the way through. And I’ve shared fairly openly about the highs and lows related to that, while still protecting their boundaries and privacy.

And when I say that, when you get those comments, you know, people saying like, You’re a bad mom, or you’re not doing this right or this should be done differently, or you’re using your kids or you know, just things like that, or like but they express concern about your kids or their well being, when I tell you it just hits different. And you know, and I have those moments, it’s crazy, you’ll get like 100 amazing comments, or feedbacks, or DMs, and then you get one person who’s just like, you know, I think really terrible, you know, because you did this, or I think you could do this differently because of this. And I know that this wherever you are, if you’re in the car at Target right now, or if you are, you know, listening to this on the way to work, or if you’re listening to this while momming, you know, in the kitchen, I think that this is one thing that literally anyone, anyone who has a kid or a real sensitive issue can relate to.

It like rings in your head. And the reason it rings in your head over and over and over again, is because it is the thing that we actually love and care about the most. And it is so difficult to hear feedback from anyone, right? Like, which it’s so easy to be like, Well, who cares? These people aren’t in your home, they don’t know you yada, yada. But it’s really hard when the concerns and fears that you have inside your own heart are personified outside. Like I’m yelling this at myself every day. So I’m really trying not to cry. Like, I don’t know, if people realize that there is no level of bashing or things people could say about how I am as a mom, that is any harder or harsher than I am on myself.

And it sounds crazy. I know. Because people say it all the time that like no, you know, you adopted these girls and Nicole like you showed up and you know all these things, but I don’t know if you know the people who criticize realize and if they don’t need to realize it because frankly people who criticize it’s never actually about you or the action. Trust me, there’s the part of your mind and your heart that knows that. We all know that, it’s never really about that. It’s about people looking for a way to break you down. And so they’re looking for, you know, wanting a way to criticize because there’s nothing served, right?

Like when people say terrible things about you, particularly if they don’t say it to you, they’re not actually looking to improve you, right? They’re just saying it because they’re looking to voice negativity, because that’s their opinion, you know, because truly, if someone felt like you’re actually a bad mom or something that they would call like child protective service. Or if they didn’t like the way that you parented they might say it to you in hopes that they would help or drop a link to serve you. Like it literally is just people saying harmful things just to be hurtful or just to like quip and talk about it, you know, but it’s wild because when people say these things, and you realize like how hard you’re trying, you know I love my girls so much. And I hold them in such high regard. The responsibility, I don’t know what it’s like when you carry, right like thankfully, God willing, I will someday you know, I don’t know what it’s like to carry my own child yet.

And I don’t necessarily understand that relationship or connection that people have when they carry their own child. But what I can tell you is that I feel a responsibility, a loyalty, a dedication, an obligation and honor, you know, a privilege to show up in these girls’ lives in a way that is so thorough and big and complete, that it’s overwhelming at times. That’s how much I love them. The critics, you know, and also just the observers, right. And also, even the internet aunties, as much as you all have seen through the viral videos, and the stories and on social media of our girls growing up and as much as you’ve seen, and lent the love and the prayer and the covering over our family in your lives, when I tell you, all of that goodness that you’ve seen of my babies, is literally only like 1% of how good they actually are.

These girls have survived things that some people have only had nightmares about, they have their own books that could be written. And when I tell you that I wish that I could give, I would give my life to erase some of the things that they’ve experienced. And as a mom, you know, a lot of people don’t realize that the things that they see in the viral videos, or the interactions that we have, you know, are, again, 1% of 100% of our lives, and there’s a levity to our life, because of some of the darkness that we’ve experienced together, you know, and independently.

Our home is so filled with like, light, and joy, and laughter, and safety. Our home is so safe, when I tell you, it is a place where it’s probably the thing that I have elevated above all else as a parent, in the raising of my children, because I realize that if they feel safe within me being like, you know, I consider mom being like base, right? Like, you can always come back to base, touch base and you’re safe, right. And if they feel safety within me, they know that they can get guidance, they can get direction, they can get support, they can get love, even if it means that I’m, you know, playing with them or cracking a joke or, you know, we have almost like a friendship energy with my older girls, you know, but make no mistake, it is clear that I am mom. 

And I make that clear, because there’s a little bit of that traditional old school in me where it’s like, look like, you know, we can be hip and cool and aware of social and Tiktok and all those things but at the end of the day, like we’re not going to get out of pocket, I’m still mama. And I just take that this is the most serious job I have. And so I say this because I think that a lot of moms can realize and recognize that it’s hard to live life, it’s hard to build a business and spend time away from home and go through a frickin divorce and deal with all of these things. And also want to feel like you’re showing up in the most perfect and pristine way for your kids. Right?

So I say all this to say that criticism, you know, it hurts and it’s hard. But this kind of brings me to the lesson from all of this you know, if you follow my social media you’ve seen that I always will call out if there’s a particular thing that I think is wildly inappropriate. You know, that is said or a question or criticism. I have had people criticize and say things like Nicole, you don’t have enough black girlfriends because they’ve seen me hanging out with like my core girl squad. Little do they know that my core girl squad is a Filipino, a Texan white girl, you know a half Ghanaian, half Filipino and me. So it’s just, you know, people will say things based on what they see and not what reality is, you know, people don’t even read the captions. And they’ll say something. So, you know, but I’ve gotten comments like that I’ve gotten comments about wearing crop tops, you know, that I can’t believe you would wear a crop top to a meeting, oh, sis, of course, oh, aircraft up to the meeting. I’m the owner of the company who’s gonna fire me boo. <laughs>

I mean, these are real things, you know, but you know, I’ll get these comments and you’ll see me call out and respond to them. And again, like I said, most of them, you know, it’s easy enough for me to keep my cool because, like, you know, kind of water off my back. But you know, being a mom, that’s always tough, it hits hard, because it’s just the job that I take so seriously, and I’m always trying to improve. So sometimes I hold space for feedback I shouldn’t hold space for but that brings me to the lesson, you know, that I am really trying to apply to my life and I hope that you hear as well as you’re hearing criticism. And you know, if you are a healthy, you know, well adjusted person, you know, and you hear feedback, you may give it a little bit of space because you know, you are not so egotistical that you think you’re imperfect, and I’ll let you know that the thing that I’m really holding close is you know, don’t dim your light just because it’s shining in their eyes.

And that’s something that I actually call out a lot of my book, which is available for pre sale now it’s called nothing is missing. You can purchase it anywhere books are sold. And it’s my memoir, it goes into a lot of the behind the scenes of these stories of the viral moment of raising my kids. You know, if you’ve seen 1% online, the book is going to take you all the way up to 50%. You know, so I really put a lot of color behind everything that is happening. And I say this to let you know that. You know, one thing I’ve learned is, it’s not your typical thing that you hear all the time where it’s like, don’t listen to your haters, right, or, you know, these people are just hating on you because you’re flexing it’s not that it’s that if you’re a person who’s out in the world, doing good, you know, and you guys know, oh, my god, girl, right? You know, if we are lights that are put on a hill, we are going to shine, we are going to shine. And every single thing that has happened in my life God has used for good. You know, when I had my first viral video, you know, where I was, you know, on this college campus with my daughter, and people were saying I was a helicopter mom and all of this. I mean, I’m telling you, I was in a ball. I was teary. I couldn’t believe that someone would say something like that, when it’s so clear, to this day, let’s just be real friends. Let’s be real to this day. I still, if someone wants to send me an email helping me understand this perspective, I still cannot believe that there are people who think it is wild that if you don’t hear from your kid for three days after dropping them off at college, for the first time, your daughter, your 18 year old daughter that it is appropriate to not look into it. Like that blows my mind literally, like maybe I am a crazy mom, but I accepted on that count. You know what I mean? Because if I don’t hear from you, and you’re not answering your phone, and I can’t reach you, I’m coming to find you.

Like my girls know this. I’ve even said if it’s an apocalypse stay put mom was coming to find me like I’m coming to find you. So it still is crazy to me. But I’m not kidding. I still was in my head like who am I? Am I over the top? Am I suffocating my kids, when we have an open safe house. My kids are saying like No mom, like it’s we know when you’re joking. We know when you’re not, we know when you’re angry. And we know when you’re not we like the way you balance out like my kids, they like we truly have a very amazing relationship I’m super grateful for and so it’s so interesting that I still got in my head about it. And I say this to you because I know we all do this. But I want to let you know that. In these moments, one of the things I learned was God was preparing me for it.

Because here it’s a tiny microcosm, in the very beginning. It’s a tiny viral video of the type of visibility I’ve had since then. I’ve had TV shows, I’m working on current TV show projects, I’ve, you know, got a book tour coming up, you know, in October. I’ve got all these things. And at that point, I wasn’t even thinking about writing a memoir. And now I have a book that is literally going to reveal everything about me, my childhood, my life, my background, all of the things and y’all I am sick to my stomach about it. You know, even while having people read it and say this book is unputdownable, it is transformative. I cannot believe you know what you survived in the lessons you’re sharing.

And yet, you know, I still was, you know, heartsick about some of this feedback. And I just want to let all of you know, you know, more and more, as I am in this world and have been blessed with the platform and grateful for the gift to be able to share the things that God has delivered me from and how he has been able to do it. That I do not want you, wherever you are, to be hesitant about sharing what you know you have simply because you know someone out there is uncomfortable seeing you shine. If people have a hard time seeing you out there and shine, the problem is not you and the way that you’re shining is the fact that they don’t own a good pair of sunglasses. They need to adjust, because you’re going to be out there doing the good work. And everyday when you show up for your kids, you’re doing the best you can with what you’ve got. And that is enough.

And every time you show up in your business, you are doing the best you can with what you’ve got. And that is enough. We have to keep learning, we have to keep improving. You know, we have to listen to feedback, but it needs to be from a trusted source. And I do not want you where you are, spending time noodling the one bad thing you heard from a friend from a co-worker from a rando on the internet, when the truth overwhelmingly is that you are enough and nothing is missing.

Nicole:

Hey, y’all, I am thrilled because it’s rare that I have two people in I mean, usually our chats are just a team of two. It’s just me and you wherever you are on your couch or doing a workout or cooking dinner, but it is full on girl time. Because I have the ladies of the Moms Actually community Morgan and Blair here, you probably have listened to their podcast, you may be a part of their community. You may have seen around the internet, they’re hard to miss but they are here today to share some mom goodness to impart us with wisdom and to help us learn all of our resources so we can show up better every single day and do it with grace. So Morgan Blair, thank you so much for being here.

Morgan and Blair:

Hello! Thank you so much for having us.

Nicole:
Of course, of course. Yay. Everybody does just love it like already don’t we just feel like we’re having girl time.

Morgan and Blair:

Absolutely.

Nicole:
First things first. Your backgrounds both in business and motherhood and I do want to hear the business stuff just briefly, because really, it’s the mom stuff that we want to hear all the time. So how it led you here? Blair, kick it off. Your background.

Blair:

How it led me here? So when I was out of college, I thought I wanted to work in sports, so I worked with the Wizard,s DC. I’ve worked in all the sports. And then I realized a lot of pro athletes are very entitled. And I was like, I thought I wanted to be a publicist. And I was like, I want to spend all my time making you look good, and you don’t want to look good?

Nicole:

And walking around on eggshells and being super nice and kissing tail, all those things. So you were like, not for me.

Blair:

Not for me. So I went to a nonprofit. So for eight years, I worked at a college honor society in DC. And I went from, like, bottom of the barrel, everybody around me had masters in education. I did not have one. And I was like, I don’t know what I’m doing. And I actually met my boss at the time who became my number one mentor. She completely changed my life.

Nicole:

Amazing.

Blair:

And I started out as like, everybody was the master of that one thing. And I would say, I’m the jack of all trades, and she’s like, use that to your advantage, because if there’s anything in front of me, I’m going to figure out how to get it done.

Nicole:
You’re a hard worker!

Blair:

I’m not going to embarrass myself or anybody around me. And there’s just too many resources not to know how to do things. So I did that for eight years, and then I met my now husband, and I ended up moving to Atlanta. And so I worked at, like, an accreditation agency for a second. I worked at Morehouse school of medicine in their strategy office.

Nicole:

I love this, y’all. Are you hearing this right? So Blair’s over here like, oh, I’ve done every job. Literally. Understand that when I say jack of all trades, like, literally, I can come to your house and I will organize and decorate your living room while building the furniture myself. Then we go and cook a whole meal and watch a TV show I created. We’re going to do all..

Blair:
We are! So I did that. And then actually, while I was working at Morehouse, Morehouse school of medicine, my friend, who is a professional makeup artist, needed help as needed a manager to help him out. And so then I started a glam agency for celebrity makeup artists.

Nicole:

And hairstylists, and they need it, too.

Blair:

They do.

Nicole:

Creatives really just want to create. They do not want to manage the back end.

Blair:

And no one wants to negotiate their own deal.

Nicole:
Of course, because it’s too personal. You’re in your feels.

Blair:

And no one wants to go do someone’s makeup after you just either hiked up the price, it just becomes drama. So I did that and so I worked for myself for about two or three years doing that. And then I ended up, me and my husband, we own this music group called Maverick City Music. And so I came in as the COO of that and started formally working.

Nicole:

I don’t think you could have not done that. It is very clear that you’re the person who stands in a room, sees a problem and is like, you know what? Let me just get started.

Blair:

We’re going to figure it out.

Nicole:

This is the definition of being a mom. Every mama listening to this right now is like me all day. It’s the truth. We see something and we want to fix it. We want to work on it. And that has always been your move. So all this time, at what point did the little babies enter school?

Blair:

When did that happen? Oh, Morehouse. I got pregnant while at Morehouse School of Medicine. And I told myself before I gave birth, I need to make at least half my salary so I don’t need to go back to that job.

Nicole:

Facts, talk about the goals. Isn’t it crazy how once you have kids, you stop playing? Oh, yeah. It’s a whole different energy. And you all are going to hear this when we start talking about Morgan’s background, when Morgan’s like, wait till you find out when she became a mama and how that aligned with how she stopped playing.

Blair:

Because I was late in my, I was in my 30s when I had mine. So I did that. And then at Morehouse, I mean, at Maverick is where I learned all production. So I learned that I ended up at Maverick so I could learn how to do production for Moms Actually. Now I do Moms Actually full time.

Nicole:

Which can we just say, Blair, it looks good on you.

Blair:

Oh, thank you.

Nicole:

I can tell you’ve always meant to be an entrepreneur, and…

Blair:

I didn’t believe that about myself.

Nicole:

But it’s a truth. Many, especially mamas, we think that how could we run a business? We don’t have all the degrees, we don’t have all the training or the experience. But the truth is, we’re running our whole families and our whole lives. And if you’re a stay at home mom, you are doing finance, you are doing organization, you are doing project management, you are pitching, you are doing advertising, you are doing design. You were a chef. You are every single division of any major organization. Like, you have those skills. I love to hear it. So, Morgan, I did a little teaser. Take us back to your let’s start let’s reverse it. Let’s talk about where you were as a mommy first and how it got very real.

Morgan:

Yes. So I was actually literally going to pick it up from when you said, when you become a mom, that is when you start not playing, no game.

Nicole:

Yes, it gets so real.

Morgan:

It’s so real. So because I became a mom, I became pregnant at 19 and at 20 had my baby. And I remember I was in school and you think you’re in love with the person.

Nicole:
Yo, listening. We know nothing under 25 and even at 25, but under 25, we know. We don’t know a thing, but we think we know.

Morgan:

Yeah. And so I had already switched schools because of this. Then while you were in love, love girl. Right.

Blair:

She looked back now like.

Morgan:

Yes, but I ended up got pregnant with my daughter. And I remember going to school still, and I remember saying to myself, this is just not making sense. I want to work. I don’t want thank God, for my mom. My mom at the time was like, she actually bought a new house that we had more room for myself and my daughter and all these things. But I just was like, I need to do this for me and my child. Yes. I have my mom and I have support, but it’s something different when you have your own child.

Nicole:

Yes.

Morgan:

And so every time I was going to class and stuff and having to find a sitter, I was like, I’m wasting my time. That’s what I thought.

Nicole:
But that insight at 19 is actually not terrible because I’m raising I adopted three. So I have a 21 year old and a 24 year old, and it’s the same thing. My 21 year old is in school, my 24 year old isn’t. And I’m like, honestly, I don’t care what you do as long as you do it with excellence and as long as it’s in alignment. Because frankly, they don’t know, and hopefully they’re not listening to this, but they don’t have to do anything to like, 35 before people start looking at you like, what are you doing with your life?

Blair:

Exactly.

Nicole:

You know what I mean? But if you’re gathering info along that way, it’s fine. So what happened for you? What was that?

Morgan:

Honestly, I remember being in a parking lot and I hated the class that I was in, and it was just like it didn’t feel like it was teaching me anything that I knew I was going to use later. And I said, I’m not going to do this.

Blair:

That sounds like Morgan.

Morgan:

My mom at the time, CPA, had her own insurance, none of which requires a degree. No, exactly. And I said, you know, Mom, I’m going to get my insurance license.

Nicole:

I love that.

Morgan:

So I got my insurance license…

Nicole:
And that allowed you to stay home and earn income and be with your baby.

Morgan:

Exactly. So that’s what I did. I stayed home and then around, like, maybe right before my daughter was about to turn one, then I took that same insurance license and became a personal banker because now I had that under my belt.

Nicole:

Yes.

Morgan:

So then I just entered into the finance world, stayed in the bank industry for a couple of years, and then I said, I don’t want to do that either.

Nicole:

It’s very easy, though, to stay in the so we have very similar past, and I think that a lot of I had to work all through college because I was supporting my family. And what was interesting was when all my friends were done and graduating, they all had more debt than I did.

Morgan:

Yes.

Nicole:
I was making more money while they were all sitting on six figures in debt. You know what I mean?

Morgan:

For me, that is actually what caused me not to want to run back to school, because I was looking at my friends who did go to school who were struggling, and I was like, oh, you can’t do oh, man. I have to help you!

Nicole:

You don’t have money. You can’t get a job, struggling.

Morgan:

And even after they had graduated and everything, they were still doing struggling to do. And I’m like, I’m still climbing up the ladder because at the time and I think still that definitely rang true. Your experience matters.

Nicole:

It really does. Let’s talk about that.

Blair:

Everybody wants ten years of experience, at 20.

Nicole:

Yes. And how do you get ten years of experience by 30 if you don’t start working at 20? It’s a real setup. I hope all the mamas hear this, because you’re listening to three mamas who have done it in our own ways. Every single one of us ended up working and getting our hands dirty and also parenting and learning as parents within our household in order to get where we are. And none of that involved formal, I’m not knocking formal education. Women of color, especially black women, have the highest amount of degrees. We are the most degreed of any population within the US. So we don’t play about our education but I also am not into degree shaming because there is something to be said for the fact that the Mark Zuckerberg’s, the Bill Gates of this world, they’re all dropouts.

Blair:

Exactly.

Nicole:

And it’s because of the fact that they realize, why would I stay here and spend this money when I could be using this money to build something bigger? And I just don’t want us to buy into the fact that we can’t do that for ourselves, or we need a degree to be on the same platform as some guy. That’s a patriarchal lie. And we all don’t want to buy that.

Blair:

Most of us are getting degrees for the wrong reasons.

Nicole:

For the validation! Or the credibility!

Morgan:

Or because our parents told us to!

Nicole:
Yes, realistically, that shouldn’t be the reason. If you love the subject matter and or it’s required because Lord knows I want a dentist with a degree. Please. But other than that, if that’s not it, it’s okay. Or if you got it and you’re ready to do something different, do something different.

Blair:

They want you to pick a major, and you don’t even know.

Nicole:

Would you all know, especially since we all have grown babies. Tell me what 18 year old needs to be able to be out there signing a loan for $60,000 that you have to they don’t know what they’re doing.

Blair:

It’s a Ponzi scheme.

Nicole:

It’s a scam. If you can’t give them a car, they can’t even go out and get a house loan, but yet they’re able to do this on something on the hopes and prayers that hey’ll pay it back. Come on. Absolutely. Like, oh, my God.

Morgan:

I remember filling out those forms, and I’m like…

Blair:

I didn’t read them! You have to sign it!

Morgan:

Every single time I did it, I kept thinking like, this just seems like more money I’m going to have to pay back, and I could just be making the money and not having to pay anybody back. And so that’s what fueled that for me. I’m like, I would rather make the money, save the money, invest it where I need to.

Nicole:
And be with your baby…

Morgan:
And be with my child because I’m young, and I’m like, if I’m going to do this mom thing, I’m going to do it. I’m going to commit to it and be intentional about it.

Nicole:

Amazing at 19.

Blair:
When I ended up staying home after having my kid, I was like, I actually want to go back to work.

Nicole:

Oh, my gosh. When all my babies aren’t home, I’m like, all my babies, the minute all three of them in the house. Don’t y’all have someplace to be? What is going on right now? So no. Oh, my gosh. So you ended up committing to the mommy life, getting into the work world, and then you two found each other, which you can’t tell, but I mean, you would think these two were college roommates, in each other’s wedding.

Morgan:
In our head we are.

Nicole:

You can meet people and just tell, like, oh, okay. You all are just meant to be. It’s kind of like a relationship. Sisterhood, you find this, too. So you met each other, and I want to know the moment when you were like, we should do a podcast because this is such a thing where people are like, we tell the best stories. We’re such moms. Tell me, what was that moment like, take us there. Let me sit in the room with you.

Morgan:

Yes. Well, come on down to South Carolina. We went to a woman’s conference, and before the woman’s conference, just putting you in the perspective of where my head was, I actually had just, I was a fresh entrepreneur.

Nicole:

Oh, my gosh.

Morgan:

Really fresh.

Nicole:

What were you doing, specifically that took you to the conference?

Morgan:
I had decided that I was going to put all of my time and energy into building my own brand called the Millennial Moms Club. And so I started that. Just quick caveat. I started that after my son because I had gotten postpartum depression. And I was like, nobody should go through this.

Nicole:

And not alone.

Morgan:

Nobody should go through this alone. Because in 2018, I could look online, and there was a lot of bloggers, but they also were not relate. They weren’t anybody who I could relate with. I couldn’t find a lot of black women that were saying, I have postpartum depression.

Nicole:

Well, it’s also difficult sometimes. I don’t think we can tell if you’re a woman of color. We think it’s just living. Of course I notify myself. Of course I have to manage all these things. It just is what it is. But it’s heavier.

Blair:

I thought postpartum depression was like, you wanted to k*** your kid.

Morgan:

And I knew that wasn’t the thing. Not to mention I had already had two children before that, so this feeling was so different. And I was like, okay, I know something’s wrong. And then once I finally figured it out, and even with the doctor and the little ten questions they give you that are kind of like…

Nicole:
Well, because it’s not a specialty. It’s kind of something that’s just tucked into everything else. And if you all don’t know, but I’m planning on starting my fertility journey for the first time in carrying. I have three babies I’m looking to carry, and I’m doing a lot of reading about it because I’m also finding, as you guys, they’ve talked about this extensively. If you all aren’t listening to Mom’s Actually podcast, do it. If you’re not part of the community, join. Just because a lot of what you’re talking about is the fact that postpartum looks like more than just depression. It’s anxiety, which I had never heard of. And then postpartum grief, which is just mourning the life you used to have, which isn’t related to your babies, and it isn’t related to disliking where you are. It’s just that I recognize that I will never just up and walk out anymore or just be me.

Morgan:

You’re grieving yourself.

Nicole:
This is going to sound cheesy, but I just got a dog, and now I’m splitting my love already with my new guy. The dog likes my new guy better. So it’s just like, I’m over here. Like, wow, I’ve already lost a little bit of you.

Blair:

I love that my kids love my husband more when they love him. I’m like, Go, Daddy, to give me a bath. Good job. Go for it.

Nicole:

Specifically for those things. But if you want cuddles and hugs, I’m available. Okay, so you were going through this time, and you were like, I just need fellowship, community.

Morgan:

I need people. I pretty much was like, okay, I think this is a good time for me to go and get poured into because I also felt so depleted at the time.

Nicole:

Good for you.

Morgan:

Yeah. I was at my wits end for sure, because I had also tried to build this brand that in my mind made sense. And it’s still, we kind of talked about this earlier. It does make sense, but I think I was premature.

Nicole:

Sure.

Morgan:

And so I was like, okay, God, you need to give me a sign that I am called to really just be able to speak to women all over the world and specifically speak to mothers. Like I’m called to mothers. And so I said, you have to tell me very clearly. And I typically don’t stand ten toes down with God like that.

Nicole:

Yeah, no ultimatums.

Morgan:

Yeah, no, your will, not mine.

Nicole:

But I was like, also, like, I’m really not going to do nothing, that type of energy.

Morgan:

Yes. And so I did that and the whole theme of the conference was permission. And so you know that, right? So when you hear something like that, you’re like, oh, it’s going to be so motivating, all this stuff. There were multiple, countless moments about strictly motherhood.

Nicole:

Unbelievable. Because it really could have been any. Pursue relationship to get the marriage and you’re like, I’m not even here for that.

Morgan:

Everything about that weekend was all about motherhood. There was a sermon about motherhood, there was an altar call about…

Nicole:
And normally that doesn’t happen just because the audience isn’t all mothers. Even here in our community, we’re super blessed. Everybody is, I think, a mother in some respect, right? Like whether we’re mothering at our work or mothering our like, I have friends who have been mothers to me in certain seasons, you know what I mean? So mothering, I think, is sometimes within us in different facets and the super aunties, child-free by choice. But all that being said, it’s amazing that you were in a room where that was the topic. Because typically for conferences, unless they say it, it is not.

Morgan:

And that’s what I thought I said, okay, God, I hear you, all right, I hear you. And we were on the same row and I remember you give the girl her outfits cute or something like that, and you’re just like, oh, hey, girl. And that’s kind of what we did. And then at the very end of the conference, they’re like having this whole altar call. Her husband comes next to me and he just starts laying his hands on me and he’s like, help is on the way.

Nicole:

Oh, wow.

Morgan:

Help is on the way. Help is on the way. That’s all he kept saying after he was praying, and I was like a mess.

Blair:

He doesn’t know nothing about her.

Nicole:

He doesn’t know. You don’t know. Blair’s husband is Guyanan and Guyanas, we are very extra, okay? We are very Christian. Yes, we are very Christian. And we are very serious about the interactivity of our Christianity. It is not something inside. There is no whispered prayer. If you have ever had dinner with a Guyanan. All right, everyone, bow your head for prayer. Holy Ghost, we ask that you come into our plates today in Jesus name, I’m like, I just want to mash potatoes. But it’s like we going to pray today. So I love hearing this because it’s so true.

Morgan:

Okay. All right. I receive this! And I did. I said…

Blair:
I stopped pressing my back. <laughs>

Morgan:

Yes so literally, I think we ended up being back in the green room or something like that together. And it was funny because she’s like, you’re a mom. You must have been ten when you had your children.

Nicole:

I get that too, because I have a 24 year old. But y’all, if you can’t, you can’t see the ladies definitely head over to their Instagram. Head over. Just because they’re pleasant on the eyes, right? We should all have something beautiful to put our eyes upon. And these two ladies, they look like they could be in their 20s, hanging out like, I’m over here in LA. You all are going to have people out here running in line to the med spa. Gorgeous. And I believe it.

Morgan:

I’m very grateful for it. But yeah, so we did all of that, but it was very short, very sweet. And so once I saw her, I was like, let me follow her. Because, you know, that’s the thing now these days.

Nicole:

I’m not going to lie. So I can see what you’re about, you know what I mean? That’s the truth. I just want to see and also the phrase I’m always telling my clients is like, consistency, right? It’s not even just that I want to see your evolution. I just want to see who you are. Let me scroll back a couple months and years and see if you were posting different things and we’re allowed to evolve. But if you want to meet someone new, it’s nice to be able to go back and see we’re not enough.

Blair:

Or were you smart enough to archive your ratchet days. <laughs>

Nicole:

Archiving is for a reason. Sometimes we start brand new. We weren’t always saved. <laughs>

Morgan:

And she ended up on Monday. That Monday, I got back and I received a DM from her. And she’s like, hey, girl, I knew I liked you for a reason. I saw you do a mom’s. You have a mom platform. And she’s like, I used to have one, too. She sent me a link to her old mom platforms that she had and literally those two DMs, then she says she said, yeah. Then I’m like, yeah. I’m like telling her, I’m like, I had postpartum. No, I had PPA. No pressure. If you want to work together, let me know.

Nicole:

Because that is what Blair’s like. If you all did not pick this up before, again, she’s a doer. And you were like, this makes sense.

Blair:

Because I was at the conference praying about the same thing because I had the platform in 2020. And then people kept asking, are you going to bring it back? Are you going to bring it back? And I was like…

Nicole:

In the right context, with the right person, with the right direction and all of that.

Blair:

What really got me about her content. Not that it was that it was mom content because there’s a lot of parenting content…

Nicole:
Yeah like hacks and tricks and tools to rear the children, but it’s children focused.

Blair:

And I was like, the fact that I found someone that’s mom and woman focused. I was like, okay, God, this is it. Clearly. Because I could have been on anyone else’s page. But it was that.

Nicole:

So Mom’s Actually was born.

Morgan:

It was born that day.

Blair:

I think we had the name like the next day.

Morgan:

Yeah, she sent me her number and literally from sun up to sundown, we were texting all day long. I love sending back and forth.

Nicole:
It sounds like dating.

Blair:

We decided we were, it was like married at first sight.

Nicole:

I love to hear it. Makes me so happy. Okay, so all this being said, tell us about what you ended up birthing together. So Moms actuall

]y is this incredible podcast, which I think one of the things that is really great about this is like you said, it’s not just about the kids. There’s so many things.

Morgan:

We mention them sometimes.

Nicole:

Yeah, but it’s not just like, oh, here’s how to help them travel. Here’s what I did as a shopping trick. Or here’s how we help, here’s a piece or a tool that helps me be better for them. This is actually mom-directed, mom-driven, intrinsic. So talk to us about what the episodes are like and the type of people you have on.

Blair:

Oh, we have a lot of different people. So the episodes are about, they can be anywhere from 20 to 45 minutes, just depending on how the conversation goes. And we have influencers, we have entertainers. So the first season when we started, we weren’t going to have any guests. We were like, who would want to be on our show? Nobody knows who we are.

Nicole:

People want to chat with you all. Are you kidding me? I’m so glad to have you here. Are you kidding me? It’s good vibes. It’s girls in a room talk about real things, but it’s the way that you guys chat with people. That’s what I want you to tell us a little bit more. I mean, everyone’s going to go listen, but let’s talk a little bit about the episodes. You guys actually approach things differently. You’re not just saying, so what’s your hardest mommy hack? Like, you’re really talking to people about things they’ve gone through and how they got out of it. So what’s your favorite episode? Do you guys have the same one? Like one where you’re like, you must listen to this one to get a good context of what we’re like.

Blair:

It depends on how you want to feel. I say one of my favorite, like, if I always go back to it, is Tammy Franklin, because we were talking about sex with Kurt Franklin’s wife.

Nicole:
Which is amazing. And like, actually, I, like, have connections to the Franklin family.

Blair:

Oh, I love that.

Nicole:

And I think a lot of people, especially if you’re a Christian, they don’t think that that is a regular, like you’re still a person. Exactly. And when you’re married, you still do all the things and then and also the Franklin’s a spicy, super spicy.

Blair:

They have a whole dating TV show right now.

Nicole:

Super spicy. People don’t realize, and happily so. All that being said, what were the two takeaways from that episode? And Mama’s headphone warning, if you got the littles around because it was spicy but we want to listen. What about that episode? Really? Like, you were like, wow, this is good for me.

Blair:

That one, I just think the fact that they don’t hide their sex life from their kids yes. And I think that creates transparency in your relationship, in relationship with your kids so that they’re not scared to talk to you about those things in the future.

Nicole:
That’s so good.

Blair:

Like the fact that Tammy could sit next to her daughter’s grown, but sit next to her daughter.

Nicole:

Yeah, their kids are grown. And it’s also age appropriate.

Blair:

They have like a group chat. Like, oh, you don’t want to come in the room.

Nicole:

And again, it’s still age appropriate. I know that my current relationship with my little one, and this is also a huge part of why I talk about divorce openly and all that. And one of the things she said to me the other day when we were driving down the highway, she was like, you know what, Mommy? I can tell that you really like Alex, my new guy, because you’re all smoochie smoochie with him. And you weren’t that smoochie smoochie with dad. And like, she’s eleven. That’s her understanding of intimacy right now. But I’m also noting she’s paying attention, and that’s going to affect how she determines what is appropriate interaction down the line. And then with my 21 and 24 year old, I’m like, I am so sorry I can’t come pick you all up. I got to go be with my man. And they’re just like, gross, mom, please, not necessary. And I’m like, listen, it’s the truth. If I answer the phone, I don’t want you confused. Please do not call me. I’m busy. But it’s also, it’s good, it’s healthy, it’s positive, and they talk to you, too, and access the tone for their relationship.

Morgan:

And I think that was my takeaway is because you can tell Tammy and Kirk have done the work to make it comfortable for their children from start to finish. Now, it’s like, that made me want to just think about how intentional I am with my kids. And I have two daughters, and so I’m like daughters and sons, for sure, two daughters and one son. But with my daughters, I want them to feel like Carrington feels, because mommy-daughter relationships, they are one in a million. And you want that best friend relationship, you know what I mean?

Nicole:

But within, like, best friend. But you also know because my kids will tell me some stuff. Like, my middle one is very open about her entire life, and there are times where I’m like, mom, so you did too good. Yeah. She’s like, okay. And I’m like, I was like, Just give me I was ready for that one. But I still love that she’s wanting to ask me about that, or she’s wanting to move in with her boyfriend now. And so she’s like, I already am thinking this, but can you talk to me about what you think is right? Especially like, I think and we’re all women of faith, I think that there are just so many thoughts. And you talk about this on Moms Actually, too, because no one would have thought, oh, we’re all Christians in the room. But I’m here with Tammy Franklin talking about sex. And I think it’s so important because it’s also destigmatizing.

Blair:

100%

Nicole:
That we’re not allowed to have depression around our kids or anxiety around our kids or sex with our husband or even desire or enjoy it or want things to change. And I love that that is the openness of the podcast, too. It’s allowing us to sort of be who we are completely. So tell me more about your favorite episode.

Morgan:

I’m torn, because I want to say Erica Campbell. Really good one, because…

Nicole:
Erica has very strong opinions. She does.

Morgan:

But she is so knowledgeable. That was season one. What I’m actually really toying with is our current season, Verlonda Jackson. So it was a heavy, heavy, heavy episode.

Nicole:

Wow.

Morgan:

However, to see the way she is just carrying her grief and approaching how she is approaching it, to see how she is letting her children see her grieve, how she’s helping them through their grieving process, incredible. That, to me, it was just a sight to see. And really, it actually increased my faith. Like, I left the episode even though feeling secondary grief and empathy and all of those things, my faith was, like, stirred beyond belief.

Nicole:

Isn’t it amazing when that happens sometimes? And I just hope that all the mamas listening to this now realize that we’re all just regular people who are trying to set up and do what we think God’s calling us to do, what we have in our own hearts to do. But in that action, we also get fed. So it’s like, you build these podcasts thinking, oh, yeah, let me tell people and help them and all that, but it helps us every single time. Oh, I love that. So what is next for the Mom’s Actually podcast? Like you guys have come together. I know you’re building a community, more ways to help. I feel like there’s got to be an event. Like if you all don’t know these are, you want to be in the room with these women. You know they’re going to attract the best women. You know that you’re going to hear crazy candid stories. So I just want to know what’s coming next.

Blair:

We want to do the event, but as a business person that cares about money, we don’t want to pay. So we’re working on building the business side of everything. Yes, we created the podcast. We didn’t want to just come up with this idea and drag out like an idea until everything just kind of came together. But now we’re like, okay, we’ve started it. Now we have to be smart about how we move forward.

Nicole:

I love that you all know. I love that you guys saying like, yes, they are speaking to the right person. No, I love being strategic only because I think that a lot of especially mamas who have side hustles and this is a main hustle for you all now. But it always kind of starts as a side hustle and we hear this stuff and we feel like, well, it’s not making money, so it’s not legit or it’s not listen, when you start, there will always come a time where you’ll have to up level. Even if you started with the perfect strategy, if it’s going well, you’re going to have to change it. And so I love hearing that you still didn’t hesitate to get out there and serve and answer that call. But now that you’re learning more, it’s like, how else can we continue to serve? And you got to make money to serve. Beyonce can’t make it to Germany to do her show in her reflective garb without the ability to pay for those plane tickets.

Blair:

Moms actually will be done next year because if we’re doing everything, we’re working on the business side of everything.

Nicole:

And to let you be mamas, which is important, too. How are the kiddos doing? Give us an update. What stage are you in right now? Of oh, you all should have seen the faces. If you go on social and you see that, you got to see the face. It is summertime classic, mmmm.

Blair:

She finally got her kids out the house.

Morgan:

Because I just moved and I’m like full time. No one talks about being like full time work at home mom and stay at home mom.

Nicole:

Talk about it.

Morgan:

No one really talks about the level.

Nicole:

It’s because mom’s never closed. If I can see you, you are available to me. Yes. And that is very difficult.

Morgan:

My goodness. I mean, I love that I’m able to, you know what I mean?

Nicole:

Blessing that I can throw in a load of laundry in between calls.

Morgan:

Absolutely.

Nicole:

But it also would have been nice to scroll around and click and just watch, you know what I mean?

Blair:

Ask you to wipe their butt.

Nicole:

Like screaming from the bathroom. It’s fine. I just got to wrap up this call.

Morgan:

Thank you for this opportunity to wipe your butt. Who would have thought? You are saying like, I just need to wrap up this call really quick and then I can come wipe your.

Nicole:

Butt, literally or tell you the person on the call. So sorry. I will give you 1 second. He is literally sitting there right now. I have got to go wipe my kids butt and I will be back.

Morgan:

Yes.

Nicole:

Stuff you don’t talk about. I feel like you’re managing.

Blair:

2020 helped a little bit because everybody understood.

Nicole:
Everybody got the experience.

Morgan:

2020 allowed me to also say I’m going to stop apologizing that my kids are in the back.

Morgan:

I’m not going to apologize and I don’t want you to apologize.

Nicole:

And grace. Also, I think more people understood especially, and I’m just going to say it out loud, the high, big wig, fancy pants who had, like, the C suite places and never had to work from home, but they all had nice offices and all of a sudden they work from the office and they’re like, I can hear my kids, is it always this loud here. What do you mean? The landscapers come every Tuesday. I’m like, you had no idea all the stuff mom was doing.

Blair:
Because she does nothing.

Nicole:
Because she does nothing all day. And now you’re like, I can’t even get through one call. What do you think it’s like for me? And I’m running the side hustle.

Blair:

Exactly.

Nicole:

This is the truth of it. So you’re understanding that balance right now, but you’re doing it!

Morgan:

They are going to grandparents for about a month.

Nicole:

Can I send mine too? I know how much capacity does grandparents have?

Morgan:

And I’m also, of course, blended family. So my oldest is going with her dad for the month and I’m about to live a primetime summer, is what I call it. Not a hot girls summer.

Nicole:

I don’t know. It might get a little hot at the end. I don’t know.

Morgan:

We still cute.

Nicole:

Yeah, we still can classy, elegant. Yeah. Effective, productive.

Morgan:

Yeah, all the things. But I’m 30 plus.

Nicole:

Yes. I mean, listen, that’s brand new, 30 is the new 20. Because I see some of these six year olds. I think Halle Berry is like 57. She’s out there having babies, looking better than she did when she was younger.

Blair:

Age isn’t what I thought it was younger.

Nicole:

Not even what it was. When I look back, just a little factoid, because everyone knows I’m like this. I Google the ages of the Golden Girls or like, what their characters are supposed to be. I’m not kidding. I think Sophia was supposed to be like 65, but when you look at them now, they look to me, they look like they’re 80 something. Eighties the characters were supposed to be like 63 and I’m just like, this is not even so 30 is not what it used to be.

Blair:

It’s not what he looked about 60 back in the day too.

Nicole:

It sure did. Not anymore. So all that being said, it sounds like you are primed and ready for make it happen. And then, Blair, what do you have going on? I’ve got a feeling you’re about to do the most? I don’t know. Me and Morgan might have to tackle you.

Blair:

What are you trying to do? My parents do not have the capacity, so they took one at a time.

Nicole:

Okay. It still helps. People don’t know. Bless aunties. Just take some, just take you know what I mean?

Blair:

So they took my son for two weeks and then in August they’ll take my daughter. But it’s been nice because I put them in camp during the summer, so they’re home schooled during the school year. And so I just hear them all day.

Nicole:

Yes, it’s a real thing. And the talking. Yeah, you know what I mean? They have all the things they want to tell you.

Blair:

Well, I don’t like 2020 came…

Nicole:

You still hear them? Yeah. First of all, can we just say bless the teachers. Bless educators. We love you, you’re amazing. We could not do without you. Bless the aunties, the grandparents. It takes a village for real. However, sometimes I don’t even want any interaction.

Blair:

I don’t know how my teacher doesn’t quit, honestly, because I would have quit.

Nicole:

And all the same age kindergarten teachers, you want a room full of six year olds and then you go home to your own. What?

Blair:

It’s just a different energy. You’re hardwired for it. They’re in camp and we do our work, but I watch TV. I read like five books in five days last week. That’s my most. I love to read.

Nicole:

Yeah, I know. All the mamas right now are like, blair is something different. You are different.

Morgan:

She is insane.

Nicole:

You are cut different. I am not like this.

Morgan:

She is insane.

Nicole:

I get a pocket of time and I’m like, okay, so let’s see. Will I start with ice cream or am I going to work my way to chips? You know what, girl? Both.

Blair:

You put on the audiobook and then you go to the freezer!

Nicole:

I drive in silence. I want silence. I’m like, I just need space to just mind my own thoughts. Mindless like just nothingness. I want to be productive, but I’m also trying to really recalibrate the appropriateness that I’ve talked about a lot on this show. My upbringing is one that women are meant to be productive in the world. That is our job is to solely be like I am truly proverbial. I can mend my own clothes, I can grow my own food, I can manage that, I can do all the things but should I? You know what I mean? Like, all the time, constantly, nonstop, without help? I don’t know about all that. It’s a balance. So I have all the skills, and I’m ready to employ them for my family. But at times, I rest and I just receive what is also in proverbs. My family celebrating and telling me how wonderful I am and how great. I just want to lay back. You all bring up hearts. Bring me cheese. I earned it. I love it. But Blair, I love hearing that. I love hearing that you’re able to get to the never-ending list of the me things, like the two lists and all that fun. So sounds like a good summer of Momming Actually. I love that.

Morgan:
I see what you did there?

Nicole:

So where can we find you? What can we do to keep listening in on this relationship that you guys have and learn? Where can we learn more about you?

Blair:

Well, you can check us out on YouTube. That’s the main place to see the full visual because there’s a visual podcast.

Nicole:

And that is honestly, God says, use all your gifts and the way y’all looks, ladies. Visual podcast. Yes.

Blair:

So, yes, YouTube is where you can see the full visual podcast, but we are on all audio podcast platforms. Anywhere you listen to your podcast, we are there. We are on Instagram and everywhere you look for us, just at Moms Actually. We try to keep it easy for you.

Nicole:

Yeah, perfect. That’s the way to do it. That’s good branding. You all listen, follow, catch up, comment below what you love. Put it in the review. All the details are in the show notes. Ladies, thank you so much for being here. And I can’t wait to hang with you while you’re in LA!

Morgan:

Very excited. Thank you so much for having us.

Blair:

Yes, thank you!

Nicole:

Hey, friends. It is officially summertime. I have kids at home, and the older ones are popping in and out, and the little one is in summer camp. A real blessing. I do not minimize the financial privilege of being able to continue to send my child away for several days of the week. So I just wanted to say to all the mamas and sisters and aunties and everyone pitching in to help take care of these babies, bless it, because I think we’re about, like, one or two weeks in and they’re all bored. So I’m just letting you know I’m in it with you. But I’m still excited summer is here because I’m hoping that we can fit in vacations, and I do love having that extra family time, and I’m hoping everything finds you well.

Now, I was driving in to have this chat with you today, and I was thinking, gosh, what is it that I think has been one of the most transformative things that I’ve done in the past year. And I mean transformative in, I tell you about my tactical stuff, starting my business or launching this product or writing my book, but I also want to make sure I’m bringing to you belief systems and ideas and lessons that I’ve actively learned through experiences that I really think are shaping how I’m doing things differently in the future. And when I tell you this single thought process and decision, because I’m holding firm to it, has made me more money. It has improved my contracts, meaning deals that I write are more on terms that align with my life. It has improved my relationships. And I got to tell you, I’m still not even doing it perfectly. So this is one that you’re going to want to lean in on because I guarantee that you’re likely doing it, and I guarantee that if you stop, it’ll change everything.

So I have officially decided as of, gosh, maybe two years ago, maybe a year and a half ago, that I was going to stop explaining myself and over-apologizing. Now, you’ve already heard it. I’m sure there are popular books out there talking about not apologizing. There’s tons of scientific case study, data, all these things where people talk about how women have an inclination to over-apologize. We put it in our emails. We even preface very reasonable requests like, oh, sorry, Jim, didn’t mean to bother you, but, oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. Or I was about to do this just, oh, my bad. We’re always kind of squeezing in apologies, and there’s tons of data around how that is diminishing to our character. It’s something that in the workplace can actually affect how people see you. And frankly, it’s the byproduct of society, right? Society telling us that we have to fit in and be careful and be demure and be meek and be humble. And that we need to make ourselves small in places and we can’t take up space.

So we have a lot of data around how that is not good. And if you are hearing it for the first time, I hope that data also lets you know that this is something you can stop.

Okay, so you’ve heard tons of people talking about how you don’t want to over apologize, particularly as a woman or a marginalized person, that it’s something that really does put you at a disadvantage in the workplace and life in your relationship. So we know that we don’t want to do that. There’s tons of data.

But when I tell you so many of us over-explain ourselves or feel required to explain ourselves in circumstances where it’s not required. Let me tell you a little bit more about what that means. It means that if we come to a decision that we know we feel good about or we come to a decision that we know is backed by data or results or we are wanting to enter a new space and we know that we belong there and we’ve earned it. A lot of us feel the need and when I say us, I mean women and marginalized people and high achievers, feel the need to explain why we deserve to be in that position or speaking on that platform or presenting ourselves as such.

And I want to let you know that for me in particular, I realized that this came from a pretty traumatic childhood. And I do talk about this a lot in my book. It’s available for presale now. It’s called Nothing Is Missing by Nicole Walters. You can get it on Amazon, you can get it in Barnes and Noble. I’m super excited to get this book in your hand. It’s my memoir, but for the first time anywhere I talk a lot about my childhood. And you’ve heard me saying glimpses where I mentioned that I grew up a child of immigrants, I’m first generation Ghanian American and that my parents were very strict.

And a lot of times, whether it’s on Instagram, if you follow me over there at Nicole Walters or on our TV show even, I used to talk about the funny side of having African parents. Having them say, oh, you know, you can work harder, or you can always go back to school, or you can be lawyer, just like I always do their accent. We have jokes around it or my mom calling me, and she still does to this day. My mom calling me and saying, it’s not too late for you to have twins. And God gave me vision that you will have twin boys and I just want you to know there’s still time, like all these things, right. And it’s true. My parents were very much that, right? They are very much funny in some of the cultural norms that they are bringing to raising an American child in so many respects.

But I talk about my childhood also being traumatic because it’s difficult. And I think a lot of you can relate to this just by generation alone, being raised with certain generational pressures from the current society you live in or the current cultural expectations you live in that your parents can’t understand or align with. That coupled with, right, so it wasn’t just, oh, Mom, I want to go to the mall, or I want to watch this show. My parents are like, Are you kidding me? Who does that? But it was also things like my dad having severe anxiety and completely unchecked. And my father was also a narcissist and had a lot of pressures and expectations around what he wanted and how he looked and how he was presented that he wanted to enact through his children and the ways which, again, I detail in the book. And it really does deserve words and pages and not just a few moments on a podcast, which is why I haven’t talked about it elsewhere, but that really shaped a lot of the way that he interacted with me. I talk about in the book and I talk about it in life, but my relationship with my father also really dictated a lot of the men that were in my life until I had decades of therapy.

So all that being said, what happens when you’re raised in an environment where there’s a strong authoritarian figure or a parent that you are not comfortable trusting and for various reasons, or if you are in an environment where you’ve had to trust yourself a lot and pave your own way and just be out on your own, which, again, I think a lot of women and marginalized people can really relate to, you find yourself… Oh, oh and if you’ve had to enter spaces where you don’t see people who look like you and I mean women and being black or brown or just otherwise marginalized. 

A lot of times when we have entered into these spaces or had to navigate new rooms or had to face difficult, powerful, or even assumed power, authoritarian figures. We’ve had to explain why we’re there. And I have to tell you, just because you had to do it doesn’t mean that it was warranted. And having had the opportunity, for those of you who’ve kept up with me, I’ve worked in major corporations. I have had the blessing, if you will, of being in boardrooms where billions of dollars have been transferred and moved around. And when I tell you people with money having been the 1% and having been extremely impoverished, I’ve been on both sides.

One of the number one things I noticed being a poor girl in this rich life, I was like, oh, rich people don’t explain themselves at all. At all. It’s the strangest thing. And you all know our relationship, right? I am your Target-wearing, cheese-eaten, regular girlfriend. It doesn’t matter how much money I have in the bank account or how many commas I have. I will always be a thrifter. I always tell my kids, like, nah, you all got to work. You guys know how I am, right? If you come over, I’m like, fix yourself a sandwich, that sort of thing.

But because of the work that I’ve done and because of some of the things that I’ve accomplished, I’ve been really blessed to get vision into a lifestyle that I just, I don’t think I ever would have imagined growing up, even though I’ve worked to achieve it. And being in places like the country clubs and the private jets and the exclusive member-only clubs and backstage and green rooms and boardrooms and private homes, and I’ve been witness to a lot of conversations around tables.

And I will always tell you all the lessons I’m learning from those things because, frankly, you deserve to know them, and they’re life changing. And a lot of the things that I’ve noticed when I enter these wealthy spaces is that they’re practicing behaviors that you can absolutely practice whether or not you have their bank accounts. And one of which is this not explaining. They act with a confidence, “they” meaning the wealthy, the powerful, the accomplished, the non marginalized, the people who are in positions to make decisions. I mean, they really do move with the confidence that frankly, sometimes is not warranted.

You all know that we all have a boss. We all have a Jimathon who likes to speak on things that they may not be qualified to speak on, but everybody be like, oh, Jimathon’s great in the office, but we all know he’s trash, and you do his work anyways. But a lot of these people will be fairly mediocre, and they will speak with a confidence like, oh yeah, that’s definitely what you want to do. Oh, yes, that’s surely how it needs to go. Or, no, I will not permit that, and they will not explain themselves afterwards.

I realized that 90% of negotiations of getting what you want in contracts, of getting paid what you deserve is approaching it with a posture of that is what I deserve. And you would be absolutely absurd to ask me to explain why that is. And it’s not confidence, it’s not just confidence, it’s almost an internal knowingness that translates in a way where people are just kind of like okay. So here’s how this sort of manifests in my life, right? This is how I’m seeing this show up. When I go into contract negotiations before I enter them, right? Whether it’s for a book deal or a TV show deal because I live in LA, so there’s always multiple things going. If you guys don’t know that TV show deals are the type of thing where it can take like four years till it comes to fruition.

But I mean I signed a several season deal with a major streaming network and so we’re working on that process but it’s the type of thing that could take like four years before you actually see anything on TV if it even happens. It’s crazy. But going into deals like that, what I’ve learned is that I decide before the opportunity shows up what it will take for me to say yes, y’all, that’s free. That’s where you are right now. So I’m not even kidding. Literally I’m like in order for me to do TV of this style, so for instance, one thing that I know that I am in this present season fairly unlikely to embrace would be doing another family style reality show, right? I may be open to a couple show, I don’t know but I just am thoroughly over having cameras in my home following my family. A lot of that has to do with the fact that my littles are in that weird awkward phase. My olders are dating and building serious relationships and it’s just kind of a strange time to be documenting all that for them and also just my relationship is fairly new so I’d like to give that a little bit of time to settle in and feel really good.

I mean it feels good but you know what I mean? So it’s just one of those things where I already know that’s kind of how I feel. BUT, and this is also another thing I learned from the wealthy everything does have a price or a context where it can work.

So I already decided sitting down, like because I am in LA and there are always opportunities and my agent may bring me anything. What would it look like for it to work for me? What would it look like for me to do a family reality show? Would I need to have a clear cut schedule? Would I need to be able to choose who my showrunner and executive producer are? Would it need to be on a certain network? How much would I need to pay and how long would a season be? What would it look like for me to renew? Would we still film in my house or would we have to be offset?

And fortunately, I can draw from all my TV making history and be able to say, okay, well, these are some things I know are typical, but then I’m also able to add to it things that, frankly, I don’t even know if someone would say yes to. But in order for me to move, this is what it would look like. And for you all, I’m not even kidding, it can be like, well, if I’m going to do it, I just need to know that we’ll start shooting at 06:00 AM and finish by three. It may or may not happen, but you can have that list.

So the point being that I am already making a list and I think some of you may believe in manifestation or using affirmative talk to make things come to realization. All that I don’t really consider it that, to me it really is taking a clear cut awareness of what your needs are so that when you enter your bargaining position, you are able to remain firm to that because you don’t have to explain why something is, but you definitely need to know what it is you want. So I’ll never go back and forth with the network on the fact that it’s really important to me to put my daughter in bed by 7:30 because that’s part of our bedtime routine and I really want to make sure that she’s comfortable in her day and she gets grouchy if she stays up past nine. Why do I have to explain that to you? I am her mom. This is what’s required. You have the thing that you want as an outcome. I’m telling you, this is how it can happen and we can meet your need. If you’re unable to do that, then that’s what that is.

When I tell you, you will so deeply weaken your position if you feel the need to over explain where you are. So the same thing applies with your feelings and your emotions. Catch this one. How many of you, whenever you are wanting to make a decision, your relationship, where you’re like, gosh, I really want to take the kids on vacation, or I really want to enroll them in this school. Outside of just sort of illustrating these are the points and bullet points of why I think it’s a good idea, but I also feel like it would be really good for this. I really feel like it’d be good for this. It’s almost like the oversell, where it’s like I’m going into the car dealership. I know I need a car. I need a car that does these things and has these features and this is my price point. But then they’re showing me every single car and they’re trying to buy me up and it’s almost like you’re overdoing it because I’m going to get a car today. but now you’re doing the most. A lot of us do that in our relationships, and we also do that in relation to our feelings. It’s also okay to just say, like, all right, we’re going to keep it all the way real.

This was a huge issue for me in my previous relationship, and when I say a huge issue for me, I don’t mean in relation to, this isn’t a juicy gossip moment, right? This isn’t me, like, trashing my relationship or anything like that, because I don’t do that, and I don’t do that here, and I don’t have that type of feedback regarding my ex. That’s not something I ever want to do. I want to treat that relationship with tact and with grace, if for nothing else but who I am and how I want to show up in the world.

But what I can say is that I will speak all day about things I did wrong, right? Things that I had to grow from and things I had to learn from. And over explaining is one of them. I surely would spend a lot of time explaining if we either had a disagreement or if there was something that I had managed to gain the confidence to really speak on, that I felt I needed changed or that I needed help with or that was a need for me.

And I would just spend so much time explaining why I felt like that need was valid and why I felt like it was important for my partner to meet me in this fashion or all the different elements of how if this thing could be solved or this thing could be helped, that it would change the course of our lives or it would benefit both of us or that it would help the kids. And I would just spend so much time just trying to argue my case. To frankly prove why I deserved love and in a certain way and proved how it would help both of us.

And what’s interesting is twofold. One, I’m in a relationship now where I don’t have to do that, and it’s great because I’ve done a lot of therapeutic work to realize that. One, if you feel like the need to do that, if you find yourself over-explaining around certain subject matters, it’s probably a pretty good sign that something’s not a fit there in general, right? That’s just like sign number one.

But two, it’s exhausting, right? It tires you out in the relationship, whether it’s with a friend that you’re trying to constantly explain boundaries or in a relationship where you’re trying to constantly explain boundaries. That’s just exhausting. It means you’re not enjoying the relationship. It means you’re not enjoying your partner. It means that you’re trying to convince someone to love or treat you in a way that you already deserve to be treated or that you may have confusion around your own worth and all of that is no good.

But the other thing that happens is there’s a power shift, right? Explaining yourself is something that you do to an authority figure. If a parent asks you why’d you do that, where are you going? A teacher asking you, a boss asking you. So when you enter that dynamic into a relationship, into a partnership, it is a power play. And I do want to say just a quick caveat here, quick disclaimer. I am super aware that sometimes when this behavior happens, it may be happening because there is an abusive dynamic in the relationship or there may be a mental health issue in the relationship, or there may be some other traumatic factor where it’s not just you having the nature of over-explaining, right? But that person really is manipulating the situation which is making that occur. So I am not speaking to that specifically. What I’m talking about is when we’re bringing habits in that are learned from our childhood or bringing habits in that are maybe not applicable in that new relationship.

So I found myself doing this at times in advance of what’s required in my current relationship. Where something will occur and then I’m like, so I’m really sorry, but here’s the reason why I did that. And I swear that it was for a good reason and this is the purpose. And Alex will literally look at me and just be like, babe, I trust you. Like it’s fine. And I’ll realize, oh my gosh, I was triggered, basically. And I was doing the thing that I tried to do for years as a safety mechanism with my father and in previous relationships. And it just doesn’t belong here, it’s not required. 

But, you know, in sort of being in this relationship and really exploring, you know, these protective behaviors that I do, you know, kind of knee jerk behaviors whenever I’m nervous about being in the room or nervous about, you know, a big deal, or nervous about a new space, really seeing where else it exists. And I found that, oh my gosh, I had to be careful to not do that in contracts. I don’t need to explain, well, you should pay me this. And here are the reasons why when they’re seeking you out to be signed for.

And there is a difference between sort of explaining the service that you offer, explaining the value around the money in that sort of context. But yeah, explaining just like your sheer worth is just something that I’m not interested in doing it. And call it being a woman who is of a certain age. You can Google it if you want to know, but I just am at that place where it’s just not going to happen. And it’s funny because I remember growing up and hearing the aunties talk about it and seeing the mamas being like, I’m not going to explain myself to you.

Or I think that one thing we always joke about. If you see the memes, you’ll see these older women who will just be really matter of fact and be like, no, I’m not going to do it. Or we’ll see certain celebrities who’ve earned a certain level in status of accolade where they’re just like, no, it’s just a no, and I’m not going to explain why it’s a no. And it’s almost offensive of you to ask me. And I think that sometimes there’s an inclination to label these people as being maybe stuck up or label these people as thinking that they’re better than or thinking that they’ve elevated to a place where it’s like, oh, I’m just too good to say certain things. And I really am hoping that what you’re hearing from me now is that that’s not what it means about you. If you are confident and you know your own worth and you’re aware that in some scenarios, what I’m asking for is not just the bare minimum, but it is literally what I deserve, the last thing I’m going to do is explain my worth.

This actually came up a lot during the gosh, what do we call it now? The racial reconciliation of 2020? I don’t even know. But it was around the time that the world witnessed George Floyd’s murder, and there was a lot of different viewpoints that were entering those conversations in a public sphere for the first time, I should say in a unified public sphere for the first time, because these conversations have always been happening, but just not everybody was listening. But in these conversations, one talk track that was occurring was people saying, look, I should not have to explain that as a black person that I matter. It’s almost offensive and laughable, if you will, that someone would really expect me to explain why my sheer existence has worth.

And there was definitely a segment of people and this is not a judgment around that, but I’m just explaining a talk track that some may not have been aware of, but there was a segment of people who were like, look, I’m not even going to expend the emotional labor to explain the different reasons why my life is valid and the different reasons why my opinion is valid and my work is valid and my existence is valid. I have a right to breathe, and that is not something that I need to litigate and go back and forth on in the comments of social media, let alone on any public platform, because I exist and that’s enough.

And I want to tell you, I find that standpoint incredibly, incredibly empowering. And while I’ve always been a grace-filled conversationalist, I really do sympathize and I’m highly compassionate to our individual growth in understanding around our relationship. So I like to talk and I’m okay doing it so it doesn’t feel like the same weight of emotional labor. But I respect people’s right for that stance. I also really respect the standpoint of I am not going to explain myself around the bare minimum that I deserve.

And so in sharing this with you as we have navigated what it looks like to start over in life and starting over by nature means leaving behind and stepping into something new. I just really hope that you recognize that it’s not just about building healthy boundaries and finding great habits and making more money and building out new relationships. I mean, all these things are true and it is a long list of things that you have to do when you’re starting over. But I also want to let you know it’s about what you leave behind.

And leave behind the apology written emails, and instant deference of compliments, oh, thanks, but I have this old thing, let’s leave all that behind. You don’t have to self-deprecate all the time. Right? But also let’s leave behind the need to explain the bare minimum around what we deserve. We should be insisting on it and we should simply just stay still and make good eye contact until we receive it because we deserve it and know and trust that if someone doesn’t want to give it to us, that doesn’t say anything about us or what we deserve.

And it’s really my hope that you look in the coming week, in the coming months, at different contracts or opportunities or relationships that you have and you ask yourself, do I feel like I’m constantly juggling for positioning here? Because I have to explain why I’m worth spending time with or why I’m worth honoring and respecting and why this boundary needs affirmed and then asking yourself if maybe you just don’t want to use any more energy to do that.

Especially as we’re chasing after these kids for the summer and especially as we’re trying to grow, our energy is so valuable. I talked about that last week with some of my recent health diagnoses. I’m really doing my very best to be intentional about where I spend my energy and you know where I’m not spending it anymore? Explaining who I am, why I’m worth it and what I deserve. And friend, I don’t want you to do that either.