The Nicole Walters Podcast Archives - Page 4 of 26

Escaping Your Life

by Nicole Walters | Jun 5, 2024

Escaping Your Life

Years ago I couldn’t imagine living a life that I didn’t need a constant break from. What I thought was self care was actually me escaping from the stressful life circumstances that I had created. But what if escaping your life isn’t the answer?

Friend, in this chat we’re diving into what I’ve learned in order to build a life that I don’t need to escape from. If you can relate, this chat is for you!

Are there boundaries you need to put in place? Something you need to walk away from? Friend, it’s up to you.

Thanks for being here! Drop into my DMs @NicoleWalters with your next move.

Nicole:

Hey friends. So in Nothing is Missing, one of the things that I discuss pretty regularly is the impact on my health of the lifestyle that I was living. And there’s a particular quote that I want to call to the front today for our chat, which is, “You can drown surrounded by life preservers. You can drown surrounded by life preservers. And what does that mean? It means that having the inability to ask for help, or even worse, you’ve managed to collect the resources that you need to save yourself, but not use them, is not just foolish, right? Like, why even let that happen if you’re struggling?

But it’s an essential attribute that we all have to overcome in order to get better. And You’ve all followed me here on my journey through becoming a mom, you know, to my three girls, for those of you who followed me online, to navigating my marriage, if you go back to some of our chats from season one and season two, I’ve, I’ve discussed regularly about the struggles I was having in my first marriage, with my ex about, uh, divorce and how hard it was.

I did a whole episode about during the pandemic, how, I mean, we were really going through it. And ultimately that led to our divorce. I think that it was kind of a reckoning moment, you know, at least for me, where a push came to shove and I had to, you know, make some shifts and we’re going to talk about that more today.

But, You know, I’ve talked a lot about how through all these seasons of cancer and, you know, a TV show and building a business and mothering and that I was feeling my external decision making and my inability to either leverage the support that was present or create support systems that I needed, how it was impacting my body.

And I. Know that you hear this everywhere that stress shows up in the body first for me. It was through my blood pressure was very high and my I had headaches and eventually got to the point where I had facial paralysis and you know depression obviously was a standard that I think a lot of people feel anxiety and and just general fatigue and burnout burnout being The inability to make decisions, the apathy, you know, apathy meaning, you know, really looking at your work, something that you may have typically been passionate, passionate about.

This is what I always use as one of my first indicator signs. So if any of you are feeling this and raising your hand on this one, you may be experiencing burnout. One of the first things is you take things that you love. Whether it is like, man, I typically love like, you know, hanging out with my kids or going to their soccer games, or you take things you love, like, man, I used to love my job and my business and my company or this aspect of my job, you know, visiting the kids or being hands on or doing the project, and all of a sudden, you can take this whole job and shove it right when you start feeling like I don’t even care what happens here anymore.

I’m not going, I’m not checking for this, you may be experiencing burnout, you know, it’s not that the job itself has changed so much, it’s that you’re over it. Um, I was definitely experiencing all of these things and I feel myself getting emotional about it because it’s kind of, I’m taking you guys back with some of the knowledge that comes in your 40s, you know, looking back on, believe it or not, we’ve been in these conversations for over a decade now, um, you know, You guys can scroll back, you can Google back, you can look back at old videos and lives and see where I was as young as 26, 27, and where I am now in a new marriage and in a, you know, new form of parenting because I have older children and we’re looking to start and expand and grow our family and a new city and a new life and the thing I can tell you when I was talking about this.

This episode, this chat we’re having is inspired by a conversation I had with one of my sweet, dear friends, Koya Webb. If you don’t follow her on the internet, she’s like a super powerhouse woman, yoga instructor, brilliant. Uh, we just did a chat on her podcast and, um, we were talking about how so many of us get really good at identifying the hardship and struggle in our life.

But we never make the actual changes to make sure we don’t return to it. And one of the things that’s really beautiful about where I stand here today is that I can actually look at the changes that I made to make sure that certain habits and Outcomes and impacts of the past are no longer there. And I really want you to be with me on this conversation here.
And I want you to really think about where you are right now. So many of us will eventually get to the place where we will either be invited by the people around us or forced to sit our tails down when we’re too tired.

So. We’ll say, I’ll take the day off, or I need a long weekend, or why don’t we take a quick little three day vacation, or I’m going to do a little bit less work, or I’m going to come home early. Now, I’m throwing all these things out knowing good and well, some of y’all right now are nodding your heads being like, I need to, she’s not talking about me.

That’s what I need to be better about, right? So you’re already in a different camp, right? Where you feel that burnout and you take a couple days off. But what I want to say to you right now, as someone who is. I think really finally having my eyes open as I am closing loops and closing tabs and really looking at chapters of my life that I’ve been carrying for as long as four years really being done.

And by four years, I mean things like my divorce, my divorce forever. It took forever from separation to final signing. It took forever, longer than the average. It was, it was difficult. It was contentious. It was, challenging. And, uh, you know, for a plethora of reasons, you know, but, ultimately, you know, it’s done.

And I, and also when I say for a plethora of reasons, like divorces are not easy, period, right? And the issues are rarely the paperwork because, uh, that’s just math, right? Like you get this, you get that, it’s decided by a judge, if that’s where it goes, whatever. It’s always the emotions around what people think they’re owed or what people think the outcome should be or what people are willing to do or not do.

And again, this is not speaking to my ex. Um, I am only speaking about myself. Um, Because I have all of those feelings too, you know, of what I think is appropriate or what I felt should be an appropriate outcome, especially with consideration of You know, pre existing children and, you know, all of that. So these are all like really normal, standard, generic divorce things.

And how you work through them is usually indicative of the communication skills you might have had in your marriage. So if you were struggling with that in your marriage, you better believe you’re going to struggle with it in divorce, right? I say this to say that as these chapters start closing in your life, you know, so for you maybe it’s going through an intensive medical experience where you’re like, okay, I’ve gone through that first round of chemo or a difficult season of your kid’s life, like middle school, whatever it is, as you start closing things, these things out, you’re able to look at them a little bit differently.

And, That’s where I am now. I’m in a very special time in my life where for those of you who follow online, you probably are noticing I’m getting ready to celebrate, um, my marriage with my, uh, husband, Alex, you know, where we’re having a wedding and we are really excited to gather our friends and family to really celebrate our union And so I’ve got, I’m getting a chance to do this incredible, beautiful thing that I’ve never done in this way before and is so deeply meaningful.
Um, and our wedding celebration is a bigger thing. It’s a bigger thing than just a wedding because it is the culmination of You know, getting through a divorce, you know, and you know, part of which he had to be incredibly supportive on on the tail end, you know, and getting through, you know, transitioning littles into our life, you know, we, you know, Alex has been solo raising, um, Allie, our littlest one for over two years now, you know, and just becoming a family.

Again, you know, and acknowledging and recognizing families are made different ways. I mean, a lot of these things are Really special and worth commemorating, you know, and then also, you know as I talk about the clothes also the growth, right? It’s also a commemoration of what we’re seeking and committing ourselves to taking on which is growing our family and adding to our family and whatever that journey looks like both as conceiving and then also you know, carrying and then also birthing, which is new for both of us and something that we uniquely get to celebrate, you know, when that season comes.

And I have to tell you, looking back with reflection around my health during this season, the thing I’ve learned is that, and that I want to extend to you as well, is that the quick fix of a day off is insufficient for long term health. Write that down, underline it, bullet point it, put it on a sticky, say it to yourself every day.

The quick fix of a day off is insufficient for long term health. And I have had to learn that in a million different ways, starting with my separation. Now, if you read the book, you already know this, but I will be diving deep even more over the coming years, weeks, years, days, chats, because I am learning so much more about it, especially as I start writing elements of book two.
And I can tell you right now, I thought, because this was my continuous pattern, and some of you witnessed this online, so if you were a, a watcher of my life online, and you know, on this journey with me, you may have noticed I took a lot of solo vacations. I would work and then I would take these, uh, things that I called self care sabbaticals where I would just kind of take time off.

And again, blessed to have the income, the privilege, the flexibility. I had a full team of nannies, house managers, support to help facilitate this at home. Uh, but I would work ridiculously hard for months on end. And then I would take off maybe three, three to four days maybe, uh, where I would fly to my favorite resort in Cancun and I would just sit.

And I would spend probably 24 to 48 hours, uh, sleeping. And then I would spend time being no one’s anything. You probably heard me say this languaging before. Um, where no one would ever say my name unless they were bringing me a drink or a cocktail or food or something like that.

And, um, I’m not knocking this. It was extremely valuable time, and I’m not saying I won’t return to this or that I don’t do some element of it, but what I was essentially doing was running away. I was taking this time off to get away from a high stress situation, and the high stress situation was my work.

It was my home. It was my marriage and my relationships. It was my friendships. It was, the way that I was a boss. It was my parenting. Just parenting is stressful in general. Not that I had difficult children, but it was just stressful in general. It was my health, just managing of my health or lack thereof.

I’d had this entire world that was so high stress, that was so poorly managed, that lacked so many boundaries and was so filled with me taking on by choice in so many ways, responsibilities that were not mine to carry. And my solution to that, whenever I would get to the point where the pot was boiling over, was to leave.

And then enter the opposite, the polar opposite, which was silence, the equivalent of a float tank, right? I just wanted to lay in silence and, and do everything else. But, and you know what that did? It let a little steam out of the kettle, but make no mistake. That thing was still full of pressure. And that’s what I did for 12 years, thinking that that was the solution.
And I think that that’s what a lot of us think it is. I just need to rest so I can get back in the game. I want to let you know, if you haven’t heard it from anywhere else, Resting to get back in the game is not real. You need to change the rules of the game. If you’re trying to actually win and make it to the end, you have to change the rules of the game.

And what does that mean? Here’s the part that’s going to really have some of y’all, you know, in your feels. It means that on some levels, you may have to give up things that you think are not worth it. They are unfathomable. where you’re like, but this game can’t change because if for some reason I gave up this thing, it wouldn’t even be the same game.

That’s right. Some of y’all shouldn’t even be playing this way. So for me, what did that look like? My marriage. I can’t tell you how many times I would take these vacations for three and four days and dread going back home to the home that I had curated. That was beautiful with my incredible children that I loved.

And I would dread going back. And I would dread going back, not just because of the relationship that I was in, but I would dread going back because I knew I would just be going back to work, to service, to things that needed fixed and corrected and, and cleaned and just a to do list that never ended. And what I recognized was that where I was vacationing was peace and I was returning to my constant, which was chaos and Obviously, I was just going to return to burnout. Your body will tell you. It is giving you signs. How on earth will your body believe that you love and that you care for yourself and that you see value in yourself and that you see worth in yourself if you continue to return into a place of chaos?
But make no mistake, for 12 years, I struggled because I could not even catch a vision around a way to live in both peace. and maintain the life that I had before. Oh, this is hard to say out loud, but I’m gonna say it because, I mean, who does it serve if I, if I don’t, right? It was hard for me to believe that I could have peace and still maintain the life that I’d worked so hard, the vision, right?

The fantasy of All things amazing, you know, that I lived in before the, the million dollar house and all the, I, I, how could I maintain that and still have peace? And I did everything, every hack, every strategy around it, get a nanny, get more help, get a bigger team, get a different office. Buy more tools, go shopping, take vacations, eat this way, lose this weight, do this, do this again.

I, listen, it’s the way that I say sometimes, and y’all know I’m a Christian, I joke that people will try everything but Jesus, okay? They’ll be going through stress in their life, and they will be like, let me get, and I’m not knocking those of you who try these things, right? But make no mistake, I’m a Jesus and therapy girl, you need both, right?

But when I tell you people will try everything but, they will try all the sages, all the crystals, all the oils, all the things without throwing up a single prayer to say, And if this thing also works, Lord, can you help me? You know, he’s an option too. You know, it’s just like, people try everything but Jesus.

And it’s like, that’s how I felt. I was trying everything but actual release. Surrender. Letting go. Shifts. The truth was, peace was mine to have, but not without letting go of things that did not serve me. I could live a life where burnout was constantly decreasing, and I could live in equilibrium, an equal life of joy and peace and safety and health and wellness and well being.

But not in the life I was in. And that was hard to accept. Heck, it’s still hard to accept. There’s, something I experience right now, which, you know, pop in my DMs if someone else is experiencing this, and, you know, I talk about it with my therapist, but, you know, I wake up in a panic some days, in the mornings.

And nothing crazy, you know, but, I’ll wake up, and I’ll be like, I can feel my heart kind of racing, you know, from a, from a sleep first thing in the morning. And it’s because I forget that my life is different now. That’s how enmeshed in my DNA, the trauma and the exhaustion of my previous life is. I wake up and I look over and I see Alex and I look around my room.
And I expect to still see my other life. And I don’t know if a lot of people experience this, but the way that I can say it’s, what it’s similar to is if you’re someone who travels a lot, where you’re like, oh, I’m always in a different hotel, like I’m a pilot or a flight attendant or a teacher or a sales rep or something like that, sometimes you wake up and you don’t know what city you’re in.

You know, like, or if you’ve ever been on like a tour or anything like that, you wake up and you’re like, where am I? Am I in Michigan today? Am I in such and such, you know? Just, things change so rapidly that you just, you kind of get a little disoriented. I experienced a disorientation of my life where I wake up and I open my eyes and I expect to see my Atlanta bedroom and I expect to see, you know, or hear noises of a full house with tons of kids in it.

And, you know, nannies and house managers kind of bustling around or a gardener outside. And it takes me a minute to kind of acclimate myself because I then realize, oh no, you’re in California. But catch this, over the past three years, I have let go of so many disruptive and chaotic things in my life.

Whether it is team or business behaviors or strategy or boundaries or people or habits or food. So many things that did not serve me and I just did not care what the price was because of the price was my peace. It was too expensive. I let go of so many things in my life that I, my life is unrecognizable now, even to me.

And I mean that in the best possible way. I wake up and I look around and I think that I have, I have dreamt up the life that I am blessed to live in. And I literally like, well, if Alex isn’t in the bed because he got up to like make hot breakfast for Allie or take her to school or he’s doing a workout, I’ll call him and be like, Alex?

And he’s like, yeah, I’m here, baby. And I will literally feel relief come over me. I will literally feel relief come over me because I’m like, oh, I did not dream him up too. I am in this incredible life, and to be clear, if you’ve read my book, everything is right, everything is wrong, but nothing is missing.

My life looks nothing like what I could have ever expected it to look like. If you told me this was the life that I would have to have in order to have the peace that I deserve, back when I was running and escaping from the life that I curated and chose and built and made, I would have said, y’all can keep it.

Y’all can keep it. You’re telling me I’m going to get rid of the massive office with all the employees and I’m going to switch that out for a smaller office and in Beverly Hills and that I am going to get rid of the massive million dollar home and I’m going to live in a home that actually costs more because California, but it’s smaller, you know, and I’m going to get rid of the staff coming in and out all the time and living there permanently.

And I’m just going to let go of all of these things, but that my, that’s going to increase my peace. I would have been like, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. But I want to tell y’all that the peace that you’re seeking, the ease, the stability that is devoid of burnout and keeps it from returning is in surrender.

It’s in letting go of what you may think serves you and embracing what’s actually going to make a difference in your life. What is the point of taking the vacation days without learning and creating the boundaries so you don’t even need them as much? When I tell you. It is possible to love every single room that you’re in, to be in the car and feel sadness about leaving a home that you love and you just wish you were there, and joy as you drive to a meeting with a great friend that you’re with, and excitement that you get to return back home, but happiness that you’re also in the car by yourself and having a moment of peace.

I mean, my life right now is one where I feel so much. contentment in every moment I’m in. So even now, just chatting with you, I could never have dreamt up having the blessing of, you know, being with a podcast network where I get to come in and sit. I mean, there are hearts prayers, you know, for those of you all who are Christians, you know, we, um, One of the things that’s said in the Bible is that, you know, God knows all the prayers of our hearts, like big, small, little, you know, and even sometimes when you don’t articulate things, they pop up.

So for those of you all who are manifestors, you understand that like when you say things out loud, big or small, you can actually get them. So, if you say things like all green lights, you know, boom, you might get all green lights. And as a Christian, you know that, that, that is in the form of prayer. You know, God can do it all.

And when I tell you, There are things that I’ve articulated like, please God, give me a studio or a world where I’m able to sit down, drop my content, move on with my life. I didn’t necessarily know all the pieces to ask for that, but I have that now. And that is a blessing that I didn’t, I didn’t even know how to pray.

in specificity for, and yet here I am sitting within it. Thank you, God. And if I had known, though, that in order for me to get here, because the thing that he wanted for me that would answer those specific prayers was in California. And the only way I would get it would be if I let go of what I had that seemed so valuable, and so intentional, and so perfect.
I mean, I chose it. In order for me to have what I needed, I had to let go of what I worked for? It doesn’t even make sense, and yet it’s true. And there are a million stories like this that you hear online, and I hope that as you go through your day after this conversation, you start looking with intentionality at that.

How many people have you heard tell stories of what they’ve had to give up to get where they’re supposed to be in their purpose? That’s the beginning of almost every story. You have to quit your job to be your full time entrepreneur. You have to quit living a life of singledom to commit to partnership.

You have to quit eating poorly or making decisions that may not align with your body and your health in order to embrace a more healthy lifestyle. You have to quit spending recklessly in order to save and acquire things you love.

letting go is not just something though that happens in a small scale way. Letting go has to happen completely. So it’s up to you how long it’ll take for you to end up in the life that you really want, with the health that you want, with the joy that you want, and all of which that you deserve.

But I have to let you know that the choice of how quickly you get there is whether you choose to let go in stages as I did, which I mean, classic Nicole, right? 12 years of learning myself within a marriage. And my God, when I tell you I have no regrets about my marriage, I have nothing negative to say about my ex, because He is truly and completely every single thing he’s always said he’s been, you know, so I really hope he gets every single thing that he deserves.

I hope God spares him nothing in what he deserves and in what should be in his world. I hope he gets every single ounce of it. But I also have learned so much, especially in where I continue to learn from that time that was spent. And during that timeframe, I just grew and grew and grew and, and learned and adapted and changed.

You know, I own the change for good and for bad, right? For certain, some of the ways that I changed were so terribly not good that I was able to say to myself, Oh, this isn’t who I want to be. I have to, I have to make another pivot. But towards the end, there was almost an accelerated growth as I started letting go, to the point where now, if something doesn’t serve me, I want to let go of it quickly so I don’t suffer long, because I know on the other side is goodness.

And so I hope to encourage you in examining where you are right now. Because we live in a society of what do we need next? If you’re sitting there saying to yourself, what I need is a better workout routine, a new gym membership, more tools, more supplements, more money, more this. I really want you to take today to shift and say to yourself, look, nothing is missing with me, right?

I’m your friend. You know, I’m going to say that. But maybe what do I need to let go? What boundaries do I need to build? And then that way, when you jump off and you take your vacation, You are returning to a life that you love.

IN THIS EPISODE, WE CHAT ABOUT:

What my old patterns of stress looked like and where they led me,
How I used to handle stress with escape,
What happened that led me to question if escaping life was the answer, and
The changes I’ve had to make to create a life that I didn’t need to escape from

RESOURCES AND LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

Let’s connect on Instagram HERE
Find my friend, Koya Webb, HERE.
Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
What is Wellness Privilege and why does it leave us feeling like we aren’t doing enough, ever? Listen here or watch here.
I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

MORE ABOUT THE NICOLE WALTERS PODCAST:

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Wellness Privilege

by Nicole Walters | May 30, 2024

Wellness Privilege

Friend, you know I love learning and that personal growth is at the center of our chats here. With that said, I’m seeing a trend that I can’t get behind. Anytime we’re helping one another grow, we have to do it from a place of grace and not shame. And shame is what I’m seeing all over social media.

Let’s chat about what should be our number one priority and how it may differ from the people around us. Shake off the shame and let’s chat.

Nicole:

Hey friends, so I want to dive right in because this topic has been on my heart and I’ve been feeling really strongly about it. Actually, I’ve been talking my friend’s ears off about it and the reason why is I’ve noticed this thing that’s happening around the internet and I hope you can understand and relate with this as well.

Now, we’ve all heard about the people who talk about focusing on material goods and flexing things on the internet and let’s, let’s just be, let’s keep it all the way real. We’re not seeing as much of that luxury lifestyle flex. I know I’m not the only one you remember in the sort of, I would say like the 2019 pre pandemic y time where people were taking photos in their closets with their handbags and, you know, showing pictures of themselves in front of mansions with cars and things like that.

And frankly, I don’t know if it’s just my timeline, if the algorithm knows I don’t play like that, but it really feels like there’s been almost a purge of that because we know it’s in bad taste. And why is it in bad taste? Because this economy is not playing like that. If you listen to last week’s episode where I was talking about, not pinching our pennies, but being really mindful around the value of where our pennies go, you understand just as much as anyone else, it really doesn’t matter what your tax bracket is right now. You are feeling the pinch. And here’s what I mean by that. Obviously, billionaires don’t feel the pinch the same way as those of us that are living below the poverty line. But even they’re saying to themselves, can’t get the extra island, can’t get the yacht, right?

Like, what? We’re all feeling it, right? And this is, again, not throwing sympathy towards those who have plenty. That is not what I’m doing right now. I’m just saying it is a universal thing that we’re all experiencing the impacts of inflation or at least seeing what it’s like. And we talked about that last week, you know, and if you haven’t listened to that episode, Get back over there, listen to it, because I offer some really rock solid tips on how to lessen the pinch and up the knowledge while kind of traversing and living through this time.

But I want to talk about something that is not just money related, but it is almost a universal mindset. thing that I’m seeing happen that’s driving me nuts. And it’s called wellness shaming. Now, I don’t know if this is a technical term or if it’s just, it’s the way that I can think of it. And I don’t use shaming lightly, right?

Because I know that there is sort of an element of people attaching that word to anything that makes people like uncomfortable, like, oh, well, your body’s shaming. I feel like people have gotten kind of cavalier around what it means to carry shame. And I don’t want to minimize the power of it. But wellness shaming is this, to me, this is how I’ve seen it.
There is so much talk now about Clean living, clean eating, clean makeup, clean skincare, clean household products, clean, clean, clean. And I don’t say these things because they’re not important. I, I really, cause y’all, people will come for you in the comments. I’m not trying to get canceled up in here, you know, but what I’m trying to get at is, There is this huge shift away from the luxury lifestyle, the fancy pants flex and all of that to doing less with more.

Minimalistic. I mean, have you guys ever heard about like the beige moms where they don’t even use color? Everything’s beige, right? Neutralized all the things. And first and foremost, raise, raising my hand. I think we’ve all ascribed to some element of this, you know, anything that allows me to do less because I’m a hot mess I receive.

But, but. I also think there’s this thing that I see, particularly amongst the wealthy, or those who are more privileged. And when I say privileged, I mean not just from non marginalized communities, but also privileged in platform, or privileged in visibility, or privileged in access, or class, or pretty privilege, you know, where They have more and they have an opportunity to access more where it has become popularized in saying, well, I don’t care about stuff.

I care about wellness. Yeah, you know, I mean, we used to do, you know, all these trips and we used to do all these things and now, honestly, I just drink my smoothie every morning and then I do my hot yoga and my tea routine and then I do 15, a 15 piece skincare routine and then I go on two and a half mile walks and then I do all these things and I say all of this, I know you can hear my tone, I’m, I don’t mean to come across as being sarcastic, I just mean that it’s all kind of blending into this one big big sound for me, this cacophony, this humdrum, this usual noise of, I am better because I have tossed aside the, the exploits, the luxuries, the fancy pants ness of things.

And all I care about is biohacking and, you know, my, my blood count and like all these little things, right? And what I’m saying is it’s not that these things are not important. Hear me loud and proud, Lord knows I want to see value and I celebrate.

The management of our health. When I tell you cancer is real, it sucks, I have been personally affected by it, and it is terrifying. Anything we can do and learn and apply to minimize our risk and exposure to anything that can hurt or harm our bodies and reduce our lifestyle, our life length, we should do.

anything at all. And when I tell you, as someone who grew up with nothing and has benefited and experienced the joys of having a financially free lifestyle, you know, it’s, it’s better, it feels better being rich than poor. You know, like that is a true statement that if any rich person tries to convince you, you don’t want that, please suffer.

It’s, it’s in your interest. They’re lying. Like that, there’s a reason why the wealthy have all the money and are hesitant to give it up, and it’s because it feels better to have money. Your life is still difficult, right? I’m not ignoring that there are difficulties that come with the privilege of wealth, but it is a privilege nonetheless.

What I’m getting at is this idea that we can say, yeah, you know, I just. I don’t wear fancy stuff. I just do, like, white tees and jeans because, you know, I’m just into, like, really, like, clean fabrics and all that. But, like, your white tee costs 180 and your jeans cost, like, you know, 300. And that’s what you’re advertising.

Now, for all my regular folk out there, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You know, I grew up with nothing. Like, grew up with nothing, completely self made, and when I say self made, I mean I did not have the assistance of investors. I did not have loans. I did not have a trust fund. I did not have an inheritance.

I did not borrow money from my spouse. I did not have partners. I did not have kickbacks. I literally went from taking one dollar and then earning that dollar high enough to buy the next piece of equipment that earned me more money and so on and so forth. Every single dollar that comes in, I touched and made myself, um, obviously with the help of my team and the blessing of God, right?

But nonetheless, touch and made myself. And so it’s difficult for me to be blessed to be invited into certain rooms, you know, where I get to see these very wealthy people live very expensive existences and do things And spend their money in certain ways where they’re able to have very, like, they choose to spend their money on very fancy cars and ridiculous households, but then sit there and say, but I only buy the most organic forms of meat because health is what matters most.

Like sir. Like ma’am. Like, let’s keep it real. You have incredibly expensive things and you live a very fancy lifestyle, but you’re, you’re holding up the banner of wellness when in reality you are flexing in a different way to give it the appearance of being more accessible to the average person. But the truth is it’s still just as inaccessible as the Lamborghini you drive.

And here’s why it’s inaccessible. So this is, this conversation is both for those of you out there who feel like, You are still in the outskirts, but you’re not understanding why it looks this way, but you still can’t access it. Right. And this conversation is also for those of you who are, are part of this, you know, who are living this lifestyle and flexing without acknowledging that this is not as accessible as you think.

So in extending grace to all, here’s the truth of it. Not all of us can afford a 15 piece skincare system. Like, it’s expensive. And not just that, but the time, and heck, even the counter space. I mean, Some of us don’t even realize that there are little tiny places where your privilege is evident that You don’t even realize because you haven’t done without.

I’m going to give you a simple example of this. When I watch people doing their skincare routines on TikTok and I see that they’re doing them on glamorous marble countertops with multi shelving and tiered access and refrigerated skin cream and all of these things and gorgeous mirrors that are backlit with ring lights.

You don’t even realize that the people who are watching this sometimes are balancing their toothbrush on a sink. And they don’t even have room for their toothpaste. Like, you don’t even realize the privilege of the extra space of a countertop to hold the weight of your five, piece, you know, moisturization portion of your regimen, you know, and I’m not saying this to chastise that you have, especially for some of you who’ve earned being in that position, that you have these routines, and I’m not saying this to chastise, you know, people who decide to share these routines. It is glorious and beautiful that we live in an information age where we’re able to share information.

It is a wonderful thing. I’m saying that More so than ever before, it has become critically important that we issue sensitivity and awareness that we do not all have a same shared existence and that we actively avoid shaming people by saying things like, you may be focused on getting a bigger house or getting a nicer car, but you know, really what matters is that you’re eating gluten free and that you have a, you know, vegan diet.

That sentence may make sense in your privileged world, but that sentence does not make sense into the person who’s living in a one bedroom apartment with a family of four or five and driving a car that is 10 years outdated. They need the nicer house and they need the nicer car. And it is a priority because they do not have the funds to necessarily have the meals and the grain fed and that where they’re putting their money makes sense.

And so it’s not them flexing to be able to improve their Maslow’s hierarchy of needs of better housing or, uh, doing the best they can. And it is not a lack of caring or understanding or appreciation or awareness for them to say, look, we buy. the regular meat at the market, you know, and we do serve a frozen pizza once a week because that’s what we have to feed our family.
And it’s our special treat because we do not have the budget to dine out. You know, it’s not wrong of them to feel really special and to feel like it is a meaningful flex in this sad economy that they have a full grocery cart. I remember every two weeks growing up that, um, We would go grocery shopping at home.

So if you’re from the D. C. Maryland area, you probably remember like BJ’s Wholesale Club. And I think they still have them in general, but that’s my mom’s shopping place of choice. She wasn’t a Costco girl. She was a BJ’s girl. And every two weeks when the paycheck would come in, I remember how thread bare And just thin our fridge would get.

I mean, it would get down to the bottom dredges of the milk, and we would be all out of anything special that would be like juice or anything like that. I mean, I could see, just as some context, I could see clear to the back of our fridge in many spaces because shelves were empty. And the blessing was, they only became empty within a day or two before the check came in.

That’s not the case for everyone. For some people, they’re always empty, right? So, I would notice that they would start being threadbare, but then it would be time to go grocery shopping. And we would do our big grocery shopping every two weeks. And that would mean we would go and we would restock on everything we could.

And I remember back then we would spend, because I remember seeing the number come up, anywhere between 175 to 300. And this was like late 90s, early 2000s. So right now, if you’re not aware, because you’re so privileged as we just get what we need, or we UberEAT, or we Instacart, you know. Groceries right now for families are hitting up on the cost of daycare.

Like, it is literally an either or choice. They’re spending 1, 000 to 1, 500 to feed families of four or five. I am not making this number up. You know, and, and that is with the basics. That is buying bulk. That is, you know, letting some things go that is buying a discount meat that is picking up the packaging to look for what’s a few cents less.

You know, this is a very real existence for so many people. And I just want to be transparent as well. You know, this is something that even I engage in and whether you call it, you know, the trauma of poverty, but I’m used to it. It’s where I choose to save my pennies. We still cook our meals. We still cook in bulk.

I still look and I try not to, you know, overspend on certain items. And I take a lot of pride in the fact that I cook because it not only helps, you know, feed my family as best as I can and as well and as healthily as I can, but it also helps us save money. And I don’t care how much money you make, you should be looking at saving money wherever you can.

So that said, we go grocery shopping. And I remember the process of loading up the cart with, you know, sacks of rice and, you know, different things. cuts of chicken so my mom can make stews and, you know, helping her pick out tomatoes to get ones that were a little firm so they wouldn’t go bad during the week because they were too ripe and being really aware of how many.

And for some of y’all, I know that this is ringing true right now, taking extra grapes out of the grape sack because they’re, you know, 3. 99 a pound or whatever. And we only had enough to spend on this amount. I also remember putting stuff back when we got to the You register because it was just a little bit more rang up at a different price point.

And when I tell you that this is a very real, unwavering reality for so many people, that the sheer idea of feeding your family is something where you are trying to make decisions around how much and, and how much in terms of quantity and cost I can afford to then say that you care less. or that you are not as aware or you’re not as evolved or that you are deprioritizing because you aren’t checking to also see if that meat is grain fed, holistically raised, non bovine hugged, you know, whatever the categories.

It would be a blessing to be able to offer all of that. And as much as people want to say, but what else matters more? What else matters more than your wellness? If you’re not alive and and eating well, that is your priority. You’re right. It is a priority except for the fact that the lights have to stay on to begin with.

Because nothing will even stay and keep in that fridge if the lights are not paid. Is it a priority over making sure you’re paying for the medication for your child who was born a diabetic, and it doesn’t matter what class of life that you have, and that those meds are in shortage, so now you have to go to different pharmacies and pay various prices because of healthcare?

Like, make no mistake, it is such a privilege. And I also, I’m gonna hold my own feet to the fire. If I am guilty of ever making anyone ever feel like they’re deprioritizing their family because it’s what they really care about is that they would worry about their wellness or worry about their business or whatever else, please, I extend in advance before y’all search me up on Twitter from when I, what I said when I was 19 years old or whatever, I claim and call out in advance.

Nothing matters more. than doing the best you can for your family. And you deserve all the grace in the face of the people out here who are constantly inundating you with content around if you are not focused on this sort of lifestyle, that you’re not doing enough. Make your incremental progress. That is what you can do.

So this is the assignment, right? If you’re one of those families that I’m talking about here, that is struggling. And even if you’re not struggling, you’re, you’re making it work, right? Like the ends barely meet. Then the thing that matters most is that you just keep trying. And if you find that in that extra month, you’ve got a little bit of anything extra and you’ve already saved and you’ve already put it towards the goals for the basic growth that you can get.

And you’re able to say, you know what? Let’s try. a different type of milk or let’s try a few more grains or plant based things or let’s try a different cut of meat like Bravo. And if you find that for Christmas or for a holiday, you decide to ask for the nicer skincare thing because you want to try something different.

Amazing. That is wonderful. And I’m proud of you for saying that with my extra, instead of maybe dipping into something that might have been more of a luxury item. I’m trying to get something that improves my wellness. That is a brilliant and brave move. But I also don’t want to shame you. Or make you feel bad for doing something nice for yourself, like getting that handbag, or buying that piece of jewelry, or investing in a nicer prom for your child, because you may not get to take trips on big vacations, and you may not be able to count on the fact that you had a huge wedding or whatever, but you want your daughter to have the nicest prom ever, because that is a meaningful experience, do not feel bad that that is where you spent your extra money.

And do not feel shamed, at least, if you are comfortable with that decision making, because that’s where the value was for you. And then for people like me and people like you who may have platforms or have the opportunity to speak into the lives of people who are making these types of decisions and still want to be seen where they are, where they may be cutting back on certain experiences and spending in other areas.

We can continue to share what we’re learning. We can continue to share about clean makeup and clean skincare and amazing baby products and that awareness around growth and, you know, spending on therapy and spending on, you know, valuable exercises and tools. Continue to share about that because knowledge is empowering and it changes lives.
And I love hearing about people grow and learn more to get better. But always do it from a perspective of grace and not shame. Always do it from a place where you’re able to say, look, I used to be like this before. And with this new information, I have learned this and I recognize that everyone is on their own journey and doing the best they can give people that grace and then introduce the idea and say, maybe this is a step that you can take when you’re able.
Because understand that if there is anything that we don’t need more of in this world, When we are all caring so much and doing the absolute best we can is more shame.

IN THIS EPISODE, WE CHAT ABOUT:

How wellness privilege is shaming others,
Why we have to teach each other from a place of grace and not shame,
Why this topic gets to me, and
How to align your actions with what matters MOST to you

RESOURCES AND LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

Let’s connect on Instagram HERE
Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
In this economy?! Don’t miss our chat about the changes I’m making to make all the money count right now! Listen here or watch here.
I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

MORE ABOUT THE NICOLE WALTERS PODCAST:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.
As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.
When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.
Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Worth Every Penny

by Nicole Walters | May 23, 2024

Worth Every Penny

Y’all we need to talk about today’s money. You know the money that just doesn’t seem to last as long as it once did? In this chat we’re talking about how to make decisions that are worth every penny.

This mindset shift around money has informed the way my kids make money decisions and how they view their time and energy. This belief, if you decide to take it, will help you to realize the value of YOUR dollar.

Thanks for being here, friend. Slide into my DMs @‌NicoleWalters with how you’re handling today’s inflation and still getting all the value out of your dollar.

Nicole:

Hey friends, so I don’t typically do episodes where I’m talking about business related things or mindset things. Usually we’re just catching up on life and the happenings and all that good stuff. Like if you caught last week’s episode I was chatting with my dear friend Myesha Chaney about all the transitions and changes that happened in divorce and how she’s managed to be a public figure and still land on top.

And the week before that I was chatting all things business. with the Misterfella, but it’s time for us to have another one on one. And in this chat I wanted to talk to you about something pretty meaningful. It’s a shift that happened in my life and it’s one that honestly people come and visit me in Los Angeles to make this shift.

It’s something that I do for business owners, for everyday mom and dads and honestly, any good friend that I have. It’s really important that during the time that we have our friendship and you know, as they’re trying to accomplish their goals, that if I’m able to impart this belief on them, that they’re able to see the fruits of their labor.

So friends, I want to talk to you about knowing your own worth now. Now freeze. Hold on. I know that you have all heard conversations like this already, right? I feel like it was something that became really popularized maybe a couple years ago, maybe around like the pandemic y time where you would hear all over the internet, charge what you’re worth, get paid what you’re worth, your worth is this, your value, money issues, money fears, manifest, all of that.

And I want to tell you. A little bit of column A and a little bit of column B is true, right? We all absolutely deserve to be paid what we’re worth, but column B is true too. We do need to understand quantifying our worth. We need to know how to calculate what is actually reasonable based on the skills we bring to the table, the way that we show up, how we’re going to perform, and the best use of our time.

And that’s what I wanted to chat about. I wanted to chat about two things that I’m seeing happen. One, In this internet space, as well as in this crazy economy. what’s happening with worth. We’ll start there. And then I want to talk about how maybe you can make some small shifts to reflect on how you’re thinking about your worth and maybe even pass them down to your littles to really help make sure that your time, effort, and money is going where it needs to go.

So the first thing is this, y’all, it is expensive in these World grocery store, raising kids, childcare, everything streets. Am I right? What is going on with inflation? I mean this economy is bananas. Now, if you are one of my clients or one of my students or you worked with me, you know that we’ve been talking about inflation coming.

We’ve been talking about recessions for over six years. So what’s awesome is anyone who’s ever worked with me, we’ve always looked at the numbers. So this is not news to us. We actually expected it and we prepared our businesses and our lives for it because we’ve known that these higher numbers were coming.

So I know that for a lot of us, it feels like a gut punch. But you know what? A lot of people don’t realize is that. When we went through the pandemic, a lot of the political legislation and the numbers were modified to help us get through that time. That’s like the simplest way to put it. So what it did was it pushed back something that was already an economic situation that was going to come.

Anyways, we were already facing a recession, but it actually ended up getting pushed back a bit. And now we’re looking at really feeling the full force of what was to come. Prices were artificially low. There are a lot of extra money in people’s pockets, but realistically we’re living in a time that I’d like to say, I wish I could say was unavoidable, but this is part of the natural cycle of economies.

But Oh, it does not mean that we are not all feeling the pinch. I mean, between interest rates around mortgages, my goodness, and rent prices like what are you what is happening and then food cost? I mean everything that is essential right now is so Costly and I say all of this to say that I really identify and understand particularly as a mom who is solely Financially responsible for her children and for herself and for her businesses and I mean obviously I’m in a relationship with the Misterfella who you know covers his share of bills and we’re in a two parent household But I mean It is us, you know what I mean?

There ain’t nobody coming to save us. And I think a lot of us are, you know, nodding our heads the same way because we know what it’s like to really be the adults in the room, you know, and sometimes kind of wonder what the heck, right? But the thing that I think a lot of us can relate to and identify right now is around value.

And that’s the first part of the shift that I want to make. One, I want to talk about how we’re seeing and experiencing it every day. And then of course, again, worth related to value in relation to us. So let’s get into this value part. So the other day I was out to dinner with the Misterfella and he was joking because we went out to a steak dinner and if you don’t know, I love like high quality meals.

Right, like I’m, I’m a girl who, sure, I can get down at Olive Garden on, you know, some soup and some breadsticks and salad. Like give me the special, I will go in. I don’t need fancy pants meals in order to enjoy myself, right? Like that is the truth of it. Like you can catch me on the couch with some Easy Mac.

Like it is the real deal. But if I’m going to pay for a meal, when I go out, I often like to have nice dinners. Like, and I’m very particular, partly because I know how to cook. So like, I know what the ingredients are, you know, and if I’m paying for something, I want it to be delicious. And so the Misterfella knows this.

And we were out to dinner cause I had a steak craving. So teeny bit of Nicole trivia. Um, What I can’t cook is a steak to save my life. Feel free to DM me your best steak tips. Seriously, because I, I don’t even buy them because I struggle with making them and I really like them to be perfect and perfect to me is well marbled, medium, rare, tender, just delicious.
So I’d rather just go out and get one. Well. We go out and when we go out to get steak, it’s really funny because we have two different perspectives around it. So I grew up, as you all know, in particular, if you read my book, nothing is missing. I grew up not having much, you know, I grew up in a family that never went out to fancy meals.

And if we did, it was red lobster. Um, and you know, and honestly, Red Lobster with the cheddar biscuits. That’s really, let’s not sleep on Red Lobster, right? But I still go to Red Lobster, but that said, you know, we just never went out like we didn’t vacation We just had nothing extra and you know, uh, the Misterfella, my Alex, he, you know, grew up in a family that did really well. His parents are lawyers and he, you know, Had nice meals and had nice things, but ultimately he’s a pretty average Average income person, right? He does well for himself. We call it California poor where in California You can make six figures and just doesn’t really go anywhere, right?

So when we go out he wants to order a tomahawk porterhouse his rule is, if I see white space on my plate, what happened? Like that is the energy, right? And he’s like, and it tastes good to him if he is stuffed to the gills. That is his measurement of a good meal, right? What were the portions like?

Am I stuffed? And was it reasonably delicious? Right? I, on the other hand, come from the other camp where I’m like, look, I don’t care if it is four bites of food. Let it be the best four bites of food I have ever had in my life. Like give me the fancy pants, Michelin star meal, like three courses of two things on a tablespoon that I will just never taste anywhere else in my life with like the most crazy of flavors, right?

That’s, that’s the camp that I’m in. So when we go out for steak, he’s the guy who’s ordering the porterhouse and I’m the girl who’s ordering dinner. Four ounces of the A5 Wagyu fancy pan steak that’s cooked to perfection, right? And it’s so funny because we’ll spend roughly the same price on our meals, but the portions look totally different.

And Here’s where I think it comes into play for all of us. It’s starting to feel like no matter what we pay, we’re seeing a lot of white space on our plates. And that’s where value comes in, where it feels like, and I think a lot of us can verify that it is happening, where we go out to a stores and for the same thing that we purchased before we’re getting smaller portions or where we go out to get a service and it’s shortened time, or if we go out to get something that is being, uh, delivered to us that maybe the additional enhancements that kind of were part of the process Now have a price of bump or an increase. And it’s, it’s interesting because it wasn’t always like that. I mean it truly wasn’t always like that. It used to feel like we were in a situation where we were getting the most value out of everything that came. I mean honestly I remember growing up in the days where we would share like, oh this is such a great value, go out here.

Or there was always a place where you could take your family and know that you’re going to get a great high quality meal, home style, fill your plates, you know, some that take home and the price has never changed. But now. If I go to the local taco shop, I feel like on one day, those tacos are a dollar.

The next day, they’re 2. The day after that, they’re 3. 50. I mean, that is what inflation looks like. And it feels like the portions just get smaller while the prices go up. And I want to pause on that for a sec, because I think a lot of us can sit with that and understand it. If you’re anything like me. You don’t mind paying what something is worth as long as you feel like it got good value for your dollar.

Am I right? I don’t mind if I have to pay for health insurance, if I feel like it’s going to cover the things that I’m dealing with and it’s going to work when I’m there and then I’m going to have access to the best medical care and then I’m going to have to go to a hospital that’s in my neighborhood and see a great doctor that’s going to spend time with me.

And I don’t mind paying the cost associated with groceries. I don’t. I just wish that there were groceries that I knew would last the entire week. And I didn’t have to do a mid week re up on the milk, bread, fruits, and veggies. And I wish that everything in my fridge could be organic and healthy for the same price I’m paying now.

I as long as I know what I’m getting is the value for it. And what’s so difficult now is it feels like, and honestly, and I think in a lot of ways, and I think many of you will agree, you know, it feels like the value is not in alignment. And that’s really difficult because it makes a lot of us sit here and say look some of these things are non negotiables You know, um, I shared a little bit on Instagram if you are keeping along that Puffin our little one who is turning 13 this year y’all 13 what is happening?

Some of y’all have met me recently but If we have been in this internet space for a while and you’re a long time internet auntie, you have known Puffin since she was literally three. Y’all, we are a decade into this and as she’s starting to really develop into her own personality and she’s really becoming a truly a young woman, you know, she, uh, is an introvert, you know, and, and I don’t say that as a negative thing at all.

It is, it is, she is truly. And I say, and the reason I say as a caveat that I don’t say it as a negative thing is because being an introvert is really tough in your teens, in a world that really celebrates and elevates extroversion as like the prize within teens. And I mentioned that because it’s not that I share those values necessarily.

It’s that. It’s all about when you watch like Disney and stuff, it’s who’s the lead in the play and who’s the popular girl and who’s the star of the show. And, you know, It’s tough because I’m raising a girl who is not interested in that and that what I mean by that is she is very Confident and very aware of what she has to offer the fact that she is smart capable well rounded has tons to contribute She is not insecure.

She is not shy. She has all the thoughts all the pains like most introverts Most of them like where it’s like I’m just sitting in the room and taking it all in and I will insert myself where required And if someone needs to run it, I will do it But for the most part I like to just watch what’s going on, right?

And all my introverts right now are like exactly right, you know Like you’re not the first one to run out there and make a scene but trust you know What’s going on and that’s very much who she is, but it’s tough because you know The people who get seen are often the ones with the biggest mouths and not necessarily the ones that are most qualified and that’s difficult for her.

So one of the things we’ve had to recently invest in is private school because we wanted to make sure that she was in an environment where the class sizes were smaller. Currently, uh, she was in public school for a short time during our transition to California post divorce and, uh, And she was in a classroom of 40 kids and shout out to all my teachers.
You know how much I love you. God bless you. God bless you and keep and cover you for handling. And then these kids are not what they used to be, lord! They’re not what they used to be. So God bless and keep you. But when I tell you, She just felt dwarfed in that environment. She said mom. I just we don’t even get any work done There’s just too much happening and I understood it.

I wanted to make sure she was an environment where she could shine, but y’all Private school not just in LA. I mean when she was in elementary school in particle She’s a middle school now when she was in elementary school in Georgia private school was 25, 000 A school year, which I know is for some of y’all you’re like that’s not that bad for other ones You know that that’s like a deal basically and that was maybe four years ago.

We paid that no three years ago in Los Angeles it can be anywhere between 30 and 50, 000 a year for private school And that is, I mean, when you think about that and those costs, and I’m also hearing that, you know, college educations are now hitting up on 100, 000. And for those, for those of my parents who know we’re making the sacrifice, we’re doing what we need to do because, you know, the kids come first.
You also understand that covering those sorts of expenses, in addition to all the things that go along with it, the activities, the sports, you name it, the camps, the tutoring, the everything, right? It is costly. But isn’t that a great example, though, of where the value seems to make sense? Where we’re able to say, you know what, I will always find a way, even though this is like, I’m feeling the, the tightness of this.

Because the activities, the sport, the way it nurtures, especially for kids in a great school, where you’re like, they’re really developing into themselves, you see the value. I’m really struggling to see that in other aspects of my life. So one of the things I’m doing to approach sort of what’s happening in the economy and how we’re handling it in our home and in our lives is I’m really teaching my kids about value. That’s the first thing because growing up, how many of us just learned, you know, like the cost of an item is a dollar.

Right, or the cost of this thing is roughly five or whenever you would leave the home. If you’re old school like me and you grew up with kind of old school or immigrant first generation or southern parents, you know this never leave the house without some cash in your pocket, right? And then they would throw you a fiver or a ten or a twenty because you just needed a little bit of cash in your pocket, but that number always kind of represented This’ll cover a taxi, or this’ll cover a meal, or this’ll cover the ability to get from A to B, or a bus fare, or something.

But now you really have to say to your kids, hey, here’s the debit card. Or, am I loaded into your Uber app? Because prices fluctuate. And we, so it’s about the value. So I’ve really started focusing and shifting with my kids when it comes to interacting with the outside world, same shifts that we’ve had within.

Look at the value of what you’re getting. Now it’s not that I never taught them this before, of course I always taught them the importance of value, but I’ve really started driving it home in more areas than just the value of an education or the value of an experience over items or the value of relationships over material goods.

I’m really starting to drum it down to, hey, when we go to the market and and We’re trying to figure out what our personal values are. If it really matters to you that you are eating a vegan, vegetarian, organic, um, non processed diet, then you’re also going to need to look at maybe learning how to cook so that you can bring down your cost of eating externally and also make the most out of your meals.

Um, you know, these are some of the value based lessons based on the cost of food that I’m starting to shift to my kids. Another value based lesson. is teaching my kids about meal prep and cooking in larger quantities and using that to prepare your meals for the week. So while I know that meal prep is something that’s all trending, I mean, just check out the hashtag on TikTok.

One of the things that I’ve always grown up with, you know, because for those who’ve read the book, I went to boarding school. So I lived in a home of 12 girls. And so we always kind of cooked in large quantities. And, uh, I got to tell you, It’s stuck with me my whole life and I’ve always had big family dreams and God being so good But with my adopted babies, you know, I’ve had a big family, you know, and so, you know What we would do is on Sunday, we would cook most of our meals, you know And we usually would try to do maybe one pasta in the fridge, one sort of like stir fry or sauce based things.

So it might be like a chicken and broccoli, or it might be like a Indian Korma mix with the chicken base. Uh, we’ll do a vegetable. So it might be like a broccoli or, um, I do a thing called a squash medley where I’ll do a zucchini, a regular squash, and maybe some roasted potatoes. Things that reheat well will last the week and, um, are still tasty.

And honestly, some of the flavors develop while they’re in the fridge. And then we. always have because I’m Ghanaian. Okay, come through African. We always have rice in the fridge, just white rice, because white rice is a base level component that can go with everything, right? So, and then maybe like a meat.

So I might grill up some, some chicken breast and chop those in there. And then we buy like a box of salad greens and keep that in there for quick meals. So all this will happen on a Sunday and I will load up the fridge with these giant Tupperware containers. Of these different meals and then through the week, we’ll portion it out.

We’ll have different meals, things like that. So if you follow me over on Instagram, I’m going to post some photos and things so that you guys can see a little bit of what this looks like. So you can understand how we do our family style meal prep. Now, I also want to let you know, this family style meal prep has nothing to do with calories and macros and diet plans and portion control or other things.

Anything like that and I don’t say that to knock anything I will there is obviously the side effect benefit of when you prepare your meals like this Naturally, your family’s gonna eat home more naturally. You’re gonna eat fresher naturally You’re going to you know benefit from whatever comes with eating your meals at home, you know Like that is a natural thing, but it isn’t our priority, you know, and and I don’t say that because health isn’t important I’m just saying that I’m not trying to fixate on any sort of food things with my babies in that context.

But what I am doing is I’m actually showing them how much we save by cooking larger portions up front. So when I make my meals like this, I can buy the family size packaging of of chicken and meats and large quantities of vegetables from places like Costco, cook it all up front where it doesn’t go bad or pre portion it out into the freezer, rather than buying things individually in smaller amounts and at a higher cost.

Now, It’s amazing because as you all know, I got my babies 10 years ago or our babies 10 years ago. And that means that I have had an 11 year old and a 14 year old living in my home, teaching them life skills, things of that sort. And of course my three year old who’s now 13 who’s still with me that whole time.

But I now have a 22 year old and a soon to be 25 year old that are out in the wild. Out in the world, out in the wild, going rogue, and I can actually see the fruit of what I taught them. So in teaching them the value around buying bulk, cooking at one time, and prepping for the week, I’m seeing them employ these very techniques as they are entering the world in their early 20s where they’re more responsible for their expenses and saving money compared to their peers.

While their peers are out here dining out, Eating honestly in a less healthy way, you know, like because it’s harder to integrate some of those fresh things or have quick access to those food and then also Spending more because they don’t have food prepared in advance. It’s a time management thing as well I’m seeing my kids actually live this value based lifestyle lifestyle and it’s changing everything for them and they’re able to actually explain to their friends like look I do this because I feel like I’m getting the most for my money when I can buy a larger portion of rice that’ll last me longer rather than going out and buying things a little bit at a time especially in this economy where you’re not getting as much as you used to get before.

So yes it does mean on Sundays we are in the kitchen for probably a solid two and a half hours with everyone chopping, cutting, prepping but we do zero food prep during the week and it is very self serve for the kiddos if for some reason I have to do another task or You know, we’re popping in quickly after work or whatever They’re able to get in there portion things out on their plates heat it up and still get a hot nutritious meal on the table that is balanced and and delicious and and good to eat and Easy on the pockets.

That doesn’t mean that we don’t Uber Eats a couple times a week just because we feel like it. Sure, we do. But at the end of the day, the math is mathing. Now, that’s where we’ve made some shifts with the value in relation to how we interact with the outside world. But I also want to talk about value within.

And value within has to do with how we manage our time. So I was having a conversation this week with Alex when we were taking our laundry to the wash and fold. Now, I don’t know if you’re familiar with wash and fold services. Um, if you’re not, I’m going to tell you what they are because if you have one near you, you may want to look into it.
Now, growing up, my mom used to take our clothing to the laundromat and it was because we lived in an apartment building in Washington, DC where they’re only, I think, if I recollect, I’m literally mentally counting right now. I think there were three or four laundry machines and Three or four dryers for the entire building and they were quarter operated and I remember growing up that you know It was maybe 1 to wash and then 1. 50 to dry. And I do remember over the time that we lived in that apartment building, which was you know, from my birth all the way to age 12, so 12 years in you know, DC that the price went up from you know, 10 a quarter. I imagine when my dad moved in in the late, mid to late 70s, all the way to, you know, the 90s where I remember my mom, you know, spending upwards of 10, you know, to do laundry, including the cost of soap, detergent, things like that for the whole family and the $10 part of it, can sound kind of give or take now again, those were 90s dollars, right? You know, so 10 bucks in the 90s is you know, what 50 bucks now? At least that’s what it feels like but you know What I really recollect were that laundry days in our family were whole day occurrences We spent from dusk till dawn Hauling our laundry out, getting everything done, wash, fold, dry, prep, and hauling it all back.

I remember the sheer exhaustion on my mom’s face, and I remember the deep boredom that I felt as a kid. And I gotta tell you, It will never leave me and I will always be grateful when I have a washer dryer in my own home. Because it is something that my kids don’t even know. They don’t even know what laundromats are, you know, because we’ve been so blessed to have them.

And when I tell you, especially for those mamas out here and for those of you who still utilize laundromats the community washer dryer, I know what it’s like to have to. To do that, to save quarters. I look at quarters now and I still hold them as prized because I have that, that memory. So right now, based on where we are in our life, between me managing multiple businesses, you know, we’ve got a family here.

We’ve talked a little bit about how me and Alex are prepping for babies. So we’ve got a lot of things we’re doing over there on that side, fertility conversations. Plus we’ve got this kiddo. We have a lot going on and we’re really busy and we just don’t often have the three to four hours between washing, drying, folding, putting away to take care of laundry.
And in the past I’ve had live in help to assist me with some of these things but ultimately right now it just doesn’t make sense for the budget. I would rather use that money towards paying for school, investing in properties, investing in businesses, or just downright saving it. And where I used to think gosh, it’s nice So we still have cleaners that come in to our home about once every two weeks But we don’t have live in help and we don’t have people that come all the time And I know for some of y’all like it’s still very much a must be nice girl It is super nice and the privilege is not lost on me but I will also tell you as someone who Runs a multi million dollar business and is a ceo of multiple You know, lines of work, it is very unusual to not have more help, right?

Like, like I have a lot of peers and clients in this space that have Nannies and staff and all that and I do my cooking. I sweep my floors if my toilets need a quick cleanup I’ll do it myself because I’m in the house It’s just having grown up the way that i’ve grown up. It’s not beyond me and I thank god that I Have never lost that ability and I feel totally capable of doing it.

But it is also about the value of your time and that’s what I wanted to bring you to. So we go to the wash and fold and we’re dropping off all of our stuff and when you drop off wash and fold, if you’re not familiar with it, a lot of laundromats have them. Some dry cleaners have them and basically the way that they charge is that there’s a flat rate per pound of laundry.

So you just pack up all your stuff. You don’t need to pre sort. You don’t need to do anything else. You drop it off and they weigh it and they give you a of your laundry. So your laundry I would say an average pretty hearty load like I would say two garbage bags worth might be 15 pounds of laundry if you’re talking, you know, a couple pairs of jeans Maybe a jacket or two things like that and then your standard clothing sweatpants.

You name it might be 15 to 20 pounds Well in Los Angeles, which I’m sure is on the pricier end of the market that might run you between 40 to 50 bucks to do but I want to be clear that 40 to 50 dollars will encompass all of your laundry washed sorted dried You bring no products, no soap, no bleach, no anything.

And you just get called, you pick up your stuff and you got to put it away. Now, pause, raise your hand. Putting it away is the awful part for me. Let’s just keep it real. My laundry can sit in a basket because oh my gosh, who’s going to do all this. But that said, Whenever we get our laundry back, so I just took over I think 70 pounds of laundry because I’ve been traveling So it was like let me take over all these clothes and get it all done at once and the cost for me to do 70 pounds of laundry was a hundred dollars now again It is not lost on me the privilege to be able to spend a hundred dollars on doing my laundry but when I went back and did the math on it knowing that in the Easily, five to six hours it would have taken me to do this laundry, plus the cost of doing the laundry, plus the time of doing the laundry.

And when I say cost, I mean detergent, and soap, and gas cost, and electricity if I did it at home versus going to laundromat, coins, like all of that. When I think of those six hours and what I can do, what I can do with six hours, I could pitch clients, I could close new business, heck, I could literally have a dinner with clients and close additional business.
Think about this, friends, mamas, what could you do with six hours of your time? Even if in those six hours what you do is rest, is 40 not worth that time? Is 50 not worth that time? Even if what you’re saying is I am so behind on this laundry that it has become a weight on me. That I, it is a stressor.

Gathering it all up and taking it to the wash and fold so that task is completed. What would happen to your brain if you had the mental space of knowing that time was now yours back? What would that do for you? I have to tell you that that’s what I think of when I think of value. I recognize that a dollar is a dollar is a dollar, and when you have car payments, gas, milk, food, kids, a hundred dollars is nothing to sneeze at.

I know what it is like to wait for that check to hit direct deposit at 7 p. m. and know that, you know, that overdraft is going to be solved and you can still use your card before that other fee hits. I know what that’s like, but I also know what it’s like to say this money was worth It was worth my peace.

It was worth my ease. It was worth it. Recently, I’ve had to cut a lot of checks. Y’all know divorces are expensive, okay? There is no divorce that ain’t gonna cost you a coin, right? Because lawyers are not cheap, right? The process is not cheap.
Time off of work isn’t cheap. Managing two households isn’t inexpensive. But understand that nobody engages in any process whether it’s building a business, getting a divorce, getting married, buying a home. Homes are expensive aside from all the mortgage and stuff cost, the maintenance. We all know but it’s an awareness of the value that it’s gonna be worth it.

So what I want to challenge you for, what I want to encourage you to do this upcoming week as you are feeling the pinch in the economy, as you are examining the value around every dollar you spend, is really look at it and say, Could it be worth paying to get my mental freedom back, my peace of mind, my time?

Is it possible that if I hand it off this task, something as simple as getting my laundry done for me, because maybe I can’t have a full team come in, but having the cleaners come one time for a hundred and fifty dollars is a game changer for me. There are online booking services that will come in and they’ll come just one time do a deep clean and the piece you will get will change your life.

Maybe you’ll work more efficiently. Maybe you’ll get that job. Maybe you’ll eat better for the entire week and you’ll have more energy. Whatever it is, it’s gonna be worth it. And that’s where the real value is. It’s in taking care of yourself and building for a better tomorrow.

In this episode, we chat about:

The internal and external changes I made with my money mindset in this economy,
Why you’ll find me cooking for hours every Sunday,
What I’ve taught my girls in relation to value-based financial decisions, and
How to decide what is worth it and what IS NOT

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

Let’s connect on Instagram HERE
Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
Myesha Chaney went through a public divorce and came out thriving! Don’t miss our chat – listen here or watch here
I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Should You Get Divorced?

by Nicole Walters | May 20, 2024

Should You Get Divorced?

One thing we have to get good at is making choices; choices that are in alignment with who we are and where we are going.

Easier said than done though, right? In seasons of transition and growth, making the right choice can keep us up at night.

Friend, if you relate to that, this chat with ‪Myesha Chaney ‬ is for you! Myesha has a fool-proof system to help you make better choices and to get unstuck.

From TV star to starting over post-divorce, Myesha’s life has given her the opportunities to grow and align herself with who she needed to be, for herself.

Don’t miss this chat where Myesha shares how you can discover your built-in values, make better decisions, and realize your next season of life!

Thanks for being here to do the work, friend. Connect with Myesha and I over on Instagram at @‌MyeshaChaney and @‌NicoleWalters.

Transcript

Nicole Walters: Hello, everyone. So, I have gone through some major transitions in the past couple weeks. Um, I’m planning for a massive wedding. And by massive, I mean I would be content to get married with like three people present and we are having a hundred people there.

Nicole Walters: And I am excited to go on a honeymoon for two weeks and I am excited about all these big things. So if you’ve been following along on Instagram, you saw the That I, uh, went wedding dress shopping and just so many big changes are afoot. And if you heard last week’s episode, you also know we’re prepping and planning for baby, which is, I mean, you know how I am.

Nicole Walters: I like to do it all and I like to do it big. But the number one question that I’ve been getting in my DMs during this process of everyone seeing me dive full on headfirst into my, you know, newer, fancier, better aligned life is, Nicole, how did you know? When your marriage was over, like, how did you know that it was time to step out?

Nicole Walters: And I know that this comes up a lot because so many of us are in places of transition. And when I say step out, I mean, not just your marriage, the job, your marriage, the friendship, you know, like even being a mom, I’m stay at home. How do I know I need to return back to the workforce? And all this boils down to is just big decision making.

Nicole Walters: And I know how I make my decisions. It’s really and truly not something I struggle with. I may struggle with the anxiety and the nerves around moving forward, but I don’t actually struggle with the decision itself, right? Like, I figure it out. I add some plan to it and I get moving. So, I decided to tap one of my dear best good friends who is brilliant.

Nicole Walters: She is smart. She is wise. She is a star of Preachers of LA that aired on Oxygen. I know everybody watched it. We all watched it. And, um, there was like the Atlanta franchise, the Chicago franchise. And so she is, you know, TV star. She’s an author. She’s written an incredible book called Hidden Behind the Lipstick.

Nicole Walters: She is just everything and anything that you would need in a best friend, in a wise counsel. I mean, heck, she has been a first lady of a church, so she can help us. Figure out her full, I mean, she has a foolproof system to help you make better decisions and to get unstuck. So, I mean, this is my go to.

Nicole Walters: Maisha, Chaney, thank you so much for being

Myesha Chaney: I’m so, I just heard that introduction and I’m like, Oh my goodness. Is she talking about me?

Nicole Walters: Yes, it is. Because listen, you’re the first lady of a church. And so, you know that you get everything. You get everything from we want a divorce. We’re having a baby. We’re thinking about moving. You want to start a business. People come to you.

Myesha Chaney: Yeah. And it’s been something that I’ve had to manage for a long time.

Nicole Walters: And see, and that I think is one of the things that so many of us lose sight of, is that when you’re in that role as the, you know, that counsel, there’s so much pressure also around how you make decisions and how you carry yourself. So it’s not just that you’re giving advice, you’re expected to manage your life a certain way too.

Myesha Chaney: And that there are consequences when there’s a misstep.

Nicole Walters: So let’s talk about the misstep. We’re just going to jump right in here. So we are both divorcees, right? Congratulate. And it’s so funny because you know, we say that and we clap and we laugh about it. But I think what we’re celebrating is the fact that we were able to make a decision to live a life that’s more in line with us and honestly, what God’s called over our

Myesha Chaney: Yes, absolutely. It is something to celebrate when you make it to the other

Nicole Walters: When you make it to the other side, but it’s also not that we’re celebrating a failed marriage or a marriage that actually just went a different direction. I don’t even want to call it failed because it just came to an end, a culmination, a finishing point. And I will say, though, as a first lady of a black church that’s on TV, ma’am, I can’t even get into what it must have been like for you to announce.

Nicole Walters: I mean, actually, I think that your ex actually announced He did. He did. He announced it on social media. And he

Nicole Walters: just lets you know, we’re not even calling the pastor part into question because what we don’t do here is talk badly about our exes. Cause it’s not even that

Myesha Chaney: we don’t even

Nicole Walters: It’s not even that energy, but as just a person to have it announced.

Nicole Walters: And so it’s just difficult.

Nicole Walters: It’s just And I, I didn’t have any idea about all of these things, right? I helped a lot of people over the years. I’ve walked with people. I Just saw the humanity in the process. I didn’t lean into divorce too heavily because I didn’t think that was something I would ever have to deal with.

Myesha Chaney: It was like, how can I be present for others? And it’s one of those things that you don’t know really what it’s like until you are faced with that choice until the circumstances presents

Nicole Walters: Yes, this is so true. And I, so I announced, you know, my divorce on social media as well, but I talked to my ex about it first.

Nicole Walters: You know, like I was like, hey, this is something that I think I’m going to reach the point where I’m going to have to share it. You know, and these are some of the different things I’m considering. Do you have any thoughts about it? You know, and he was like, yeah, no, it’s fine. It’s okay. You know, and, and we shared it online.

Nicole Walters: But, um, I will say that you’re right like knowing other people are going to have a perspective on it and especially in like a Congregation and I mean people don’t talk about a lot, but when you’re you know a pastor and a first lady like That’s also your job

Myesha Chaney: It is.

Nicole Walters: So like your income could be affected if people like disapprove of it like there’s just so much pressure that comes with the role And was that scary for you?

Myesha Chaney: It was, it was scary for

Nicole Walters: Mm

Myesha Chaney: because I didn’t know what was going to happen. I’m a recovery and control

Nicole Walters: Yes,

Myesha Chaney: A part of my background is didn’t grow up with very much. And I had finally gotten a stability that I had grown accustomed to. So no matter how my life looked on the outside or on the inside, it was my life.

Nicole Walters: and it was going to

Myesha Chaney: yeah, and any disruption was going to be painful for me.

Nicole Walters: when you had kids, we didn’t even had three kids and um, It was scary, but I knew enough to make the next right step.

Nicole Walters: it leads us to the next part. And part of why I wanted y’all to have that foundation is to hear that, you know, Myesha’s just like all of us, right? There’s no point in time in your life where you’re going to be like, Well, I’m going to wait until I have less going on to start making choices.

Nicole Walters: You know, no matter what you’re going to be called to make choices, which means we have to get really good at making choices,

Myesha Chaney: Mm hmm.

Nicole Walters: and that you’re literally one of the best people I know when it comes to deciding things like there is a quiet confidence about you that I think a lot of women on really aspire to whenever, it’s part of why they come to you because they’re like, not that you seem to have it all going on because we know, I mean obviously publicly, it’s not perfect, right?

Nicole Walters: But you’re able to almost pick up the pieces and still, still function and serve in a way that’s just really beautiful. So, um, that being said, how did you know? How did you know that it was time? And that’s a, I know that’s tough.

Myesha Chaney: through compounding losses. So we had the pandemic going on. We were in a multimillion dollar renovation. There was high stress. My sister has seizures back to back to back. She was in the ICU. My dad, who is the strongest man I know, had a stroke. We dropped him off at the emergency room, didn’t see him for another month after that.

Myesha Chaney: Um, there was death on my ex husband’s side of the family. His 37 year old, uh, sister in law died of brain cancer. His aunt died the same month. and it was just, One thing after the next thing, my daughter attempted suicide in that same season. I ran out. I was done. I had nothing else to give. I would I had been working one hundred and twenty percent of my capacity for years and years and years.

Myesha Chaney: And I finally got to my end. And in that season. It forced me to re evaluate my values. I had to sit down and say, Maisha, what kind of life do you want to live?

Myesha Chaney: And it was so overwhelmingly present that I felt like if I don’t make a shift, I’m going to die. I did not know. Divorce was even on the table. I hadn’t, I hadn’t even considered it.

Myesha Chaney: I thought, okay, you can figure this out. you can take a break. You can go on a sabbatical. I had never taken a break. I’ve been working since I was 14 years old. I had to have everything figured out. I had to take care of everybody else, all of these scripts, all of these narratives. And I started sharing.

Myesha Chaney: And by this time I had been in therapy probably for three years straight, getting courage to confront some real things in my life. I had started to build up the drivers to how do I make adjustments, what’s going on inside of

Nicole Walters: This is all I know,

Myesha Chaney: is all I know.

Myesha Chaney: And I’m figuring that out. So when I hit the wall, And there was no other place to go. It was like you either die or you make a

Nicole Walters: y’all. So I just want to call out that. I mean, you’ve taken us on a little bit of a journey there, right, and getting to that point of I have to die or make a change, you know, I relate to that, obviously, you know, I’ve shared so much of my story here about, you know, getting to the point where, like, my health is failing, my body is breaking down, it is dying, you know, so it’s, if I don’t make a change, this will end with me no longer being, right, so it was, I felt forced to do it just for survival, it was survival instincts kicked in, right, but So many of the women who come to you aren’t even all the way there yet.

Nicole Walters: There are signs that come before that and you actually called out one of them pretty early on that you said your values were starting to to become clear and you were noticing that they weren’t in alignment. Would you say that was part of therapy? Would you say that like it’s just all the compounding losses and how you’re responding to the losses that you were like?

Nicole Walters: Maybe I feel like my partner is and again, we’re not bashing in any way, shape or form because and I and I mean this about my partner as well, the way we responded to a lot of our compounding losses were just different. I wouldn’t say that they were wrong, but they were just different. And that when you have in tight quarters over and over and over again, Plus you get the reflective private time of therapy and prayer, you really start wondering, do I want a partner that responds more similarly to the way that I do?

Nicole Walters: Or do I need just a chance to do this myself and not have to worry about how my partner responds? Or do I need to grow and change and shift to respond more like my partner? You know what I mean? Like, so was, so where did the compounding losses fit in plus therapy and all that with really identifying your values?

Nicole Walters: Because it sounds like that’s the beginning of the process.

Myesha Chaney: confidence come from?

Nicole Walters: Okay.

Myesha Chaney: In order to survive, I just kind of functioned. I built a beautiful life from the outside,

Myesha Chaney: but the values from though that you’re talking about? The ones that you got in the beginning? Because you got married young. I think we should call I got married at 22. How old are

Myesha Chaney: met my ex husband at 18. We got married at 21.

Nicole Walters: so I mean, we both got married when we were babies, which when we look back on it now that we have kids that age, what were we doing?

Myesha Chaney: I have no idea. I have no

Nicole Walters: like, girl, I do not know.

Myesha Chaney: was sitting in somebody’s church, call myself leading

Nicole Walters: listen, you

Nicole Walters: know, have been sat down somewhere, but,

Nicole Walters: somewhere.

Myesha Chaney: just, I just mean a basic level. Like I deserve love and respect that I’m worthy. I do remember as an 18 year old feeling like the world was big and excited and passionate passionate about things.

Myesha Chaney: And, and I wanted to discover what, what this world had for me. And I think I did have the. internal infrastructure for my life. It did need development, but there was something there, The core of what it was

Myesha Chaney: of who I was was there. And so for about 15 years, I just was just numb

Nicole Walters: Autopilot. So it almost sounds like, and this is something that I think is really important. If, if you all don’t know, Maisha works with women. This is part of obviously not just her calling on this earth as, as manifested as being a first lady, but it’s the work she does privately now is she supports women in transition, women trying in discovery, you know, to figure out and get back to who they are.

Nicole Walters: It’s not the language of, you don’t know, it’s the language of reclaiming. And that’s what you’re telling me

Myesha Chaney: That’s what I’m saying. There was a core of a person because I thought it was easier for me to become what everybody else wanted me to

Nicole Walters: me to be.

Myesha Chaney: I started to chase that. So whatever the congregation needed, whatever my ex husband needed, then I had children right away. So whatever the kids needed, and it was less about me as a person and more about everybody else.

Myesha Chaney: I signed up for a graduate program and it was deeply deconstructive. It was a master’s in spiritual care, soul care and spiritual formation. And they required six months of therapy to graduate. I

Nicole Walters: Oh wow.

Myesha Chaney: I had to go on silent retreats. I had to do weekly groups. And you’re talking about a person who was spending 99 percent of my life taking care of

Myesha Chaney: everybody everyone else. When I tell you, listen, there’s a prayer that one of my friends, her name’s Glow Atonmo. I don’t know if you know her, but I love Glow.

Nicole Walters: And she was talking about how she prayed the other day. She was like, please, God, show me myself, expose me. That prayer, you know, we don’t like that one. It stresses me out, girl. And that’s what therapy is like. It’s like you go in there and you have this bubble, this room where it is not about anyone else.

Nicole Walters: And you’re just like, not you’re going to tell me about myself. I feel attacked here. Revealing.

Myesha Chaney: the whole six months and I never brought up my marriage. I was so trained. I never spoke of anything in my entire relationship to anyone alive

Nicole Walters: Wow.

Myesha Chaney: for a good we divorced at 18 years. That was for a good 13 years.

Nicole Walters: Okay, so let’s pause on this. We are often told in society that we are not to talk about our marriages elsewhere.

Myesha Chaney: longer say that.

Nicole Walters: Ooh, tell me more I don’t, I don’t agree with that anymore because it took a therapist to look me in the eye after I went five years to weekly talk therapy.

Nicole Walters: me in the eye. Wow.

Myesha Chaney: Okay. My last day was when my divorce was

Nicole Walters: you.

Myesha Chaney: session. This man, Walk me through everything he told me things were wrong that I did not even know were wrong So, how do you that’s when people tell me like you have to fight and I get it I used to preach it all the time that you tell your parents about it And then you reconcile with your partner and then now your parents are still upset about it It doesn’t I I paid somebody to hear me And I didn’t even know I needed it.

Nicole Walters: it. Ooh, so so this is so and I’m gonna share something that I’ve never shared before, but I had the same moment in therapy, where I went to therapy because in in my situation I felt like Something must be wrong with me.

Myesha Chaney: Ah.

Nicole Walters: is um, clearly unhappy. You know, and I hold the weight of trying to make that better.

Myesha Chaney: Uh And I also am not happy by extension because I’m, I don’t feel like I’m getting the partnership I desire. So let me go to therapy because, you know, I was the only person who went, I was, I went to therapy for eight years and I was the only person getting regular sessions every single week.

Nicole Walters: And so I was like, okay, I will, and I still go to therapy actually, like I’ve been going to therapy nonstop for over a decade. But. I went and there were a couple of really big pivotal moments that occurred in my marriage that I have yet to discuss publicly, you know, and I never shared them until Maybe a year after I’d filed?

Nicole Walters: No, maybe a year before I filed. And my therapist said, Do you understand that what you just told me now Colors everything else you’ve ever told me in the entire How on earth When you’ve been sitting here saying, I don’t know why I’m not able to do this for him. She’s like this has been the answer of why because this thing that occurred It was such a fundamental rift in the relationship that there’s no way You would have been able to do those other things and it affects the way It’s kind of like going to a doctor’s office and being like, I don’t know what’s going on with me doctor I have a lot of fatigue but not telling them that you eat like a terrible diet You know what I mean?

Nicole Walters: Like you need to know the means right? And so you’re telling me that It wasn’t until you had this sort of awakening first that gave you more clarity on your values. And then once you had that, you started, I guess, it sounds like, you know, especially with all these losses, everything you were learning about yourself, you’re responding to these losses. And then, and, and that was, I guess, leading

Myesha Chaney: Because as long as I was in the driver’s seat and in control, and as long as I could figure out a way and work it out, I didn’t have to go through the hardship of dealing with me. This was the first time that That everything was broken and I couldn’t fix it. And I looked to the right or to the left and the support that I needed wasn’t there.

Myesha Chaney: The understanding that I needed wasn’t there. And it was with a heavy heart. And I still thought, well, we can just figure it out. Because as long as we’re busy, as long as I was running, and as long as I was preoccupied, I couldn’t deal with what was really going

Nicole Walters: any

Myesha Chaney: There was no way.

Nicole Walters: on. Impossible way.

Myesha Chaney: of my life wouldn’t allow for me to think thoughtfully about the kind of marriage I wanted.

Myesha Chaney: This is the marriage you

Nicole Walters: it out. And

Myesha Chaney: And you’re going to figure it out and you’re going to keep on going. Well, this wall said. You have to reprioritize something or you’re going to die.

Nicole Walters: to die.

Myesha Chaney: it got so strong and so present

Nicole Walters: Couldn’t ignore it.

Myesha Chaney: that I started cutting things out of my life. We can no longer work together with my partner.

Myesha Chaney: We work together. It was my pastor. It was the father of my kids. It’s the head of my home. And the pie that was for my Isha got really, really small. It was like 10% of my life was for me, and I started to have a problem with that.

Nicole Walters: So that problem with it, did you not feel guilty? Because especially speaking of Christianity, and this is something that, you know, I’ll probably go into in a solo episode a little more.

Nicole Walters: this isn’t an indictment on the faith as a whole, right? Because I always say my relationship with Christ, Christianity, is super important. so fantastic, right? I just love Jesus top to bottom. However, people get on my nerves and their interpretation and application of who Jesus is, is what irritates me, right?

Nicole Walters: So knowing this as somebody in the church, the idea that divorce even comes on the table, you know, when you’re starting to know something is changing or something has to change, whatever it is, how do you reconcile that? Like real, like real talk, it’s a, it’s a difficult thing, especially in a pastoral role, you know, like to be able to say, and I, this isn’t an indictment or judgment, this is a question I had to face as well, because before making the, we’re answering the big question people have, how do I know it’s time?

Nicole Walters: One of the things, no matter, you’ve done all this identification, you still have to answer yourself with your faith too. Is this something that’s okay? Because society has told me it’s not, or in some areas, some versions of Christianity, you know, what does that look like to choose you?

Myesha Chaney: it went against everything that I had known. We teach a very sacrificial life and I started saying, but I’m not the living sacrifice. Not for this marriage, not for this faith. I got to the point so low that I thought I would rather go to

Nicole Walters: listen,

Myesha Chaney: I’m going to have hell on earth.

Myesha Chaney: I’m going to have hell on the other side. Either way, we are not doing this. inside of me, it was like the depths of my person was waking up and it was like, you wake Mm-Hmm. I would look at the congregation. I would look at everything we built. And I had I had such a broken heart over it all.

Myesha Chaney: Because I realized that if this has to cost me my faith,

Nicole Walters: faith,

Myesha Chaney: and this was a faith, this is two theology master’s degrees. This is 20 years of my life.

Nicole Walters: A congregation to your community and your family, everything.

Myesha Chaney: And this church was the only church I’d ever been a part of. I was born in this church. My mom, my grandparents, I had never even joined another church. So we’re talking

Nicole Walters: History. Everything.

Myesha Chaney: Everything to me, all the sacrificing the future, the promises of what we would become and what we would build and how we would help.

Myesha Chaney: And all of that was on the line. And to me, I don’t, I’m like, why would God do this to me? Where the choice for me had to be with everything I’ve ever That’s As the cost,

Nicole Walters: That’s right.

Myesha Chaney: I’m like, you could have given me a lower level, kind of

Nicole Walters: don’t we say this all the time? I’m like, come on, Lord. Alright, it feels like a lot. But what’s funny is, it feels like a lot, but it really, that price is never that

Myesha Chaney: Uh huh. It’s never,

Nicole Walters: new life will cost you your old one. And that is okay. And it’s interesting, because what you just said, Dr. Anita Phillips says that any trauma is, her definition of trauma, is anything that makes you question who Humanity, the world, or God, and so if you are experiencing some level of trauma, which again, you know, not saying that that’s happening, you can be in a relationship with someone who’s a good, great person, but if there is an alignment, it will cause a trauma and a friction in your life, one way or another, and so, you know, knowing that there’s trauma happening, it can be a good thing.

Nicole Walters: And you’re saying, I’m willing to give it all up. I think that’s something a lot of people don’t realize as part of, you know, to help you, you answer the question, if you’re listening, you know, if you’re saying to yourself, you’re willing to give it all up in order to have peace, that is one of your signs right out of the gate.

Nicole Walters: That it is time to

Myesha Chaney: So I wish I can say that I I mean, I, this is something I prayed about for many, many

Nicole Walters: Mm hmm.

Myesha Chaney: was one of those prayers of God, just help me, God be

Nicole Walters: There’s another way. There’s a different, anything.

Myesha Chaney: I’ve been praying those prayers. Okay.

Nicole Walters: yes, girl. Mm hmm.

Myesha Chaney: every prayer that I had prayed in my marriage and got

Nicole Walters: The easy route. I mean, listen, there’s even biblical precedent for that. You know, God prayed for everything. Jesus prayed for everything. He said, Lord, I do not want to die on this cross. I don’t want to. He specifically said, I don’t, is there another way?

Nicole Walters: Cause he’s human. He was like, I know what you are saying is to come to pass and I am not interested. And, and you can do something else. And he said, no. He said, this is what it is. And this is what you were sent to do. And he was like, okay. You know, and he went and did it. And mind you, he did that also knowing he would come back.

Nicole Walters: And he was still afraid to go through the pain of it. So all of us who’ve gone through divorce, just so you know, we’re all still standing here and we’re all on this other side of it, you know, and you, so you know, you’ll get through if you’re feeling this question about yourself too. And I don’t say this as an advocate of divorce, you know, I am an advocate of love and marriage.

Nicole Walters: To this day, but if you’re saying to yourself, is this something I need to do? Just don’t let the fact that you don’t think you’ll get through it be the reason you don’t.

Myesha Chaney: And I think, for me, I didn’t know 100 percent if divorce was the way. I knew 100%,

Nicole Walters: it to be everything else, but that though,

Myesha Chaney: I knew 100 percent that I had to take the next right step. And I just kept getting clearer on the next right step.

Nicole Walters: hmm

Myesha Chaney: I need to file. The next right step

Myesha Chaney: we long did it take you to file? It didn’t happen right away,

Myesha Chaney: it did not

Nicole Walters: Same here. I think a lot of women are also under that perception too, which is, so for me, it took me almost a year to file. And I think that surprised people too, because they think that when you leave or when you finally like say, okay, this is no more, that you like go the next day and file your

Nicole Walters: papers. And that’s not what it is. You’re

Myesha Chaney: I’m thinking about my children. I’m like thinking of other

Nicole Walters: Is there other ways? Like for me it was like well maybe we can decide without having

Nicole Walters: to go through the court stuff or maybe we can this but it’s like y’all like that’s not how that works.

Myesha Chaney: Yeah, because the pandemic happened in 2020 and my divorce didn’t get filed until 2022. So I was experiencing a lot of emotional change, a lot of questioning, a lot of wrestling, but I still in January of the year we filed said, let’s go to couples therapy

Myesha Chaney: because I thought.

Nicole Walters: You just want to be sure though, you know, I think we did couples where I want to know we did everything

Myesha Chaney: did everything

Myesha Chaney: possible.

Myesha Chaney: And that was not helpful for me. It was already well, it was just too late.

Nicole Walters: If anything couples therapy solidified it for

Myesha Chaney: you did

Myesha Chaney: for me, when you when the individual therapy meets the couples therapy you start saying Oh, wow, I’m sitting across the person sitting here is not the person pre therapy

Myesha Chaney: Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Nicole Walters: that I’m here I get to really look at what I’m facing and I’m like, oh wow This is I am making the right call You Yeah, I think it was just like you said, knowing I’ve done all that I can do. And after that, it was, it happened pretty quickly. Everything just kind of fell into place and had to do the tough work. So when it comes to making decisions, I think I got laser focused on the next right decision. And I tried not to get overwhelmed.

Myesha Chaney: Mind you, I’m in a dark, dark place.

Nicole Walters: girl, the depression, I lost 22 pounds from not eating and people are looking at me on the internet like, oh, she’s looking good. Oh, she’s getting lipo. She’s on Ozempic. I was depressed. My therapist was literally telling me, you need to eat. And I was like, I

Myesha Chaney: it nearly killed It kills because I didn’t have the infrastructure.

Nicole Walters: of the things that you were experiencing?

Nicole Walters: Because this might be helpful too for anyone listening. People don’t recognize that your body breaks down from stress. And you’ve talked about this openly before. Some of the signs of stress and depression that you were experiencing in anticipation of this. And we’re only using divorce as a big decision, but y’all, this could be quitting your job.

Nicole Walters: Your job can still do these sorts of things to you. So what were some of the body

Myesha Chaney: I had a lot of brain fog. I was having hair loss. I was

Nicole Walters: Those edges. Gone, girl. What edges?

Myesha Chaney: the cortisol in my body could never really maintain weight. It was just, I would lose a lot of weight. Then I would gain weight back. I just, it was just a feeling of dis ease. There was something that was not working well. And my body was responding.

Myesha Chaney: Anxiety, feeling like the other shoe was going to

Nicole Walters: That’s

Myesha Chaney: Always kind of tensed up,

Nicole Walters: That’s right. Trust issues. You know, like,

Myesha Chaney: not feeling

Nicole Walters: How’s that work? Not feeling

Myesha Chaney: I was isolated. So when that, when that paperwork, when that announcement went out on social media, which I knew we were divorcing,

Myesha Chaney: I just didn’t know on that day at that

Nicole Walters: How we’re gonna handle entire world was going to figure, was going to learn about that people, friends I had that I had not

Nicole Walters: Then it’s like follow up phone calls, text messages, because also as a public figure, it’s a lot, you know what I

Myesha Chaney: I got a text message that said, I’m so sorry. I said, what are you talking about? And they said, it’s all over the internet. And I went on Instagram and I had a primal scream. I literally dropped to the floor and I experienced for the first time what it felt like for the world to completely open up underneath my feet.

Myesha Chaney: Okay. And it wasn’t just that the marriage was over. It was that my biggest fear had come upon me

Nicole Walters: That’s right.

Myesha Chaney: and everything that I had built in my old life was done. I didn’t speak to the friends that I had, the people I traveled the world with.

Myesha Chaney: So when it comes to making decisions in the midst of all of this breaking and caving in, I couldn’t even fathom a month from now.

Myesha Chaney: I just knew, wake up tomorrow.

Nicole Walters: when I tell you, I remember standing in my kitchen, coaching myself and being like, you need to eat something. You need to get out of bed today.

Nicole Walters: You need to go outside. When was the last time you went outside and breathed air, Nicole? I mean, there’s a healing point.

Myesha Chaney: I walked like 25, 000 steps a day.

Nicole Walters: That’s, listen, That’s the only way I the walking, right? So like, that’s the other part too, is there’s like, you know, in stages, there’s a, okay, gotta get out of bed. And then when you finally get out of bed, it’s, I just need to move.

Nicole Walters: I need to keep moving. And then before you know it, you look up and you’re like, where am I? I was walking from, if you’re from California, you’ll appreciate this, Marina del Rey to Santa Monica. I’m back walking. And like, and that’s not a crazy walk. Like people who are very fit can do it. But when I say like, I would blink and I look up and see the pier and be like, how’d I get here?

Nicole Walters: Do you know what I mean? Like it’s kind of a daze, you know, because you’re just trying to function like a human and animals do this. There’s like scientific studies that like animals will just start walking and roaming like and all of that. So. All that being said, and, and y’all, I hope you’re keeping track of this chain of events, and it really helps you is, you know, there was individual discovery that was happening in therapy, which was leading to a realignment of values that were always within.

Nicole Walters: So you always knew this, but you were rediscovering yourself. And then once you’d rediscovered yourself, it made it difficult for you to stay where you are once you knew something. about you. So kind of if you’re in your job, if you are like, man, you know, I hadn’t picked up a paintbrush in however long and now I’ve started doing watercolor and I can’t go to my desk every day. It’s because you rediscovered something

Myesha Chaney: It’s so true.

Nicole Walters: And so then after that it became, okay, I have to start, I guess, changing some things, creating some boundaries, some limitations. So for you, did that look like? starting to explore what your life, for me, it was, it was looking into what does my life look like now without this marriage?

Nicole Walters: You know, does it look like getting a new place? Does it look like, cause I also have my babies, you know, making sure they’re good. Like, what does that look like? Was that what you did next? Or did you just kind of say, Hey, you know, it’s over. So let’s just start executing. Like what came I had to do a lot of work in Boundaries. And surprisingly, a lot of that work came through friends and family, because my marriage was now over. So, how am I going to build this skill? In that relationship, co, co-parenting, dealing with divorce, all that. And I found that I got a lot of challenge or, or testing to see if it was working through regular people that I interface with. Let’s talk about that. Okay. We, I love a good boundary chat because boundaries completely. When I tell you, when you rediscover your personal values and a sense of identity, you start realizing how many people you let into your life that don’t care about your boundaries, that have their own

Myesha Chaney: it’s unbelievable.

Nicole Walters: It’s wild. Like, I mean, no no

Myesha Chaney: I didn’t have boundaries until like a year ago to

Nicole Walters: offended my own boundaries. I literally would set boundaries for myself and break them. Okay. I had no boundaries with me, you know? So, so I, this is the real, so what you’re telling me right now was before you even. Had to make calls with the big decision around the divorce you had to practice Some of this behavioral stuff with other people and I mean you are and this is part of why you’re such a good guide For this type of work because where you might go to therapy where you might be working with your you know Your pastor or whatever when you work with my a show what what is happens? You have someone side by side with you who knows how to put what you’re learning into practice And that’s the difference. So you’ve survived this. So what did it look like? Those conversations must have been hard because people did not know this, Myesha.

Myesha Chaney: because when I was a pastor’s wife, if someone came up to me and asked me to pray for them, and I said, no,

Nicole Walters: That’s not allowed. What are you talking about? That’s your one job.

Myesha Chaney: I would be talked about for, for weeks and weeks and weeks. If I be sat down. They’d be like, we need to talk, right. So it trained me to not have boundaries. It trained me to, to not look at what I

Nicole Walters: They’re always allowed

Myesha Chaney: I am not. I don’t feel like praying for you right now. I’m happy to do it. Amen. When it’s convenient for me. That would be, it’s asinine to

Nicole Walters: unheard of and also the not feel like part. I think that’s so often People don’t realize that just because I don’t feel like doesn’t mean I’m a bad person or don’t or that I don’t want to it’s That maybe you didn’t catch me in a good space. Don’t you want the best version of me to meet you in your moment? You do not want your pastor’s wife praying over you if she’s dealing with some stressor in her life,

Myesha Chaney: you know nothing about, that I can’t even speak about, don’t want advice from you on marriage. If your marriage isn’t going right, go solve that and, and get where you’re good to then speak to me. So, so you started practicing these boundaries with

Nicole Walters: others. How did that look for you?

Myesha Chaney: It was very, very scary. Um, I always wanted to be liked. I used to feel like I wasn’t attractive. I just wanted always people to value me from the outside, but I wasn’t valuing myself and I was expecting external fulfillment. In ways that I had not built that internally. So brown boundaries for me was even if you don’t like me, that was so hard for me to say, I can’t loan you money. I’m not going to be there at your wedding. I’m not, I’m not even going to answer your text message. And even now, if I, in the dating world, if someone doesn’t respond to me the way that I need to be responded to, I’m not even engaging with you ever again.

Nicole Walters: That’s right.

Myesha Chaney: And I would have never.

Nicole Walters: thought that you’d be there.

Myesha Chaney: Thought that I so it was scary at first it crushed me in a lot of ways because I had to finally say my issue You need to be enough for with me and until you have a better relationship with you stop looking outside

Nicole Walters: This is so good because I hope all of you are hearing right now that if you don’t have the ability to say no to things that you don’t want to do or if it fear fills you with like a anxiety or fear or concern or you’re a fierce people pleaser understand that whether it is your friendships your relationships, your, your business or your marriage. Being a people pleaser means that you’re likely in those situations allowing your boundaries to be crossed. It’s very difficult to have one and not the other. You can’t have a great workplace and also be a serial people pleaser with no

Myesha Chaney: you cannot And you know what was even more surprising about all this? When I was in ministry, when I worked with my ex husband, I could always blame him and I could blame the church and,

Nicole Walters: Toss it over there.

Myesha Chaney: being on my own and building my own business, it was like this, this is you.

Nicole Walters: Mm-Hmm.

Myesha Chaney: And if this client wants more than you want to give, you have to solve that.

Nicole Walters: to figure it out. Or if you wanna charge more, it’s up to you. You can’t toss it up, you can’t let someone else close it. You have to. And also you have to develop the skills that are a gap in between all of that. And also recognizing, I will say, at least for my own boundary work. Recognizing how complicit and responsible I was for a portion of the treatment that I received within my marriage. And that is so difficult because it’s so easy to want to blame. But if you, if you blame or if you, you know, shovel the responsibility on someone else, then you’re also not going to have change in your present, you know.

Nicole Walters: And that’s something that I’m learning from you and just kind of how you are really, You’ve grabbed the bull by the horns. You are moving forward with your life. You’re doing your own self discovery in order to make sure you’re living a life you want to have. So, so, but boundaries and people pleasing, like, whoo, hard. It’s hard.

Myesha Chaney: It’s hard, but it’s possible. And guess what? It has led me to discover parts of me to do. were there, but hidden all along. Like, I love being able to take charge in my life. I love being able to share and speak and tell people how I want to be treated. How I want to be handled and then making decisions that support that, that if you don’t handle me this way,

Nicole Walters: I’m not going to be here. I’m not going to be here.

Myesha Chaney: having good

Nicole Walters: Good luck. And it doesn’t mean anything about either one of us. When I tell you there’s nothing more freeing, and I don’t know if it’s like a divorce woman thing, but when you meet other women who are able to say, Good luck.

Nicole Walters: I may have gone through, sometimes when I find out like the truth about people’s exes, I’m like, wow, you talk about him so much nicer than he deserves. You know what I mean? Like you have no idea, like some of this and they’re just like, yeah, honestly, I’ve done my own work. So I’m aware of how I was complicit and I’m, and I knew what I was looking at and I knew what I was doing. And you just really learned that like, wow, these women are really on a different level. You know what I mean?

Myesha Chaney: I say it all the time. I wanted love and this was the way that I went about

Nicole Walters: That’s right.

Myesha Chaney: And it, and it, it was real to me and I thank God for every experience because I wouldn’t be sitting here right

Nicole Walters: That’s

Myesha Chaney: I’m very thankful and I practiced that throughout my divorce. I would say three things I’m grateful for and use it as a learning opportunity

Nicole Walters: That’s that I will not die and leave this life living a fraction of who I was meant to be.

Myesha Chaney: And if the cost of me living the life of, of who I was meant to be is doing a lot of hard stuff, I’m willing to do the hard stuff. It’s necessary. And it’s been great.

Nicole Walters: It has been great. You’re thriving. I love it. Um, if you guys don’t know, preachers of LA is actually, uh, coming back to the air for reunion special, and you’ll see a little, a little clip it of Miss Maisha on there. So definitely, you know, support, but also know that, you know, Maisha, I mean, we’ve touched the tip of the iceberg here, but I think a lot of people who may have been. sitting in their decision making now and are feeling stuck, are able to say to themselves, okay, cool. So the first thing I need to do is figure out what the heck is my, are my values, you know?

Nicole Walters: So if I don’t know what those are, I can go to therapy. I can, you know, they could work with you to kind of get some more clarity around it. But after they figure out their values, then they need to figure out what the boundaries are that they need to put in their life. And then really they’re ready to move. Now I know that you have a system where you walk people through all of this and you do like retreats and events. Can you tell us a little bit more about what your retreats are like? l n One’s coming up in Bali. I’m trying to I’m

Myesha Chaney: I know we’re about to go to Bali, but it’s about getting us out of our context and working through some of these things, giving clarity, putting an action plan. I’m an executor. My strength is you have multiple businesses. I mean you’ve you’ve what how big is your warehouse that you had it was. It’s a venue. It’s about 30, 000 square

Nicole Walters: Mean that is ridiculous. Like I mean so you have set up and executed whole businesses run congregations Manage your family manage yourself rebuilt a life. So I mean you really are a go to resource for You setting up these sorts of things, but you can’t do it without the right mindset.

Nicole Walters: So you go to these retreats and that’s what you work

Myesha Chaney: Yeah. It’s about life change. Bali was where I went to have my awakening.

Nicole Walters: ma’am. I went to LA. What was I thinking? This place is a mess. What is out here? What am I even doing? I was like, that was my budget, Polly.

Myesha Chaney: See, but you had to bring your light out It’s true. So can we talk about how so many women I know that’s a thing is like, when you are trying to figure out the next step, you just got to get out of wherever you. Oh yes. That is, was just so in the thick of it. I was like, I can’t even see here. I need to go 3, 000 miles away. You went 24 hour flight away. I did. And Bali was where I, I was like, okay, here’s the

Nicole Walters: Mm

Myesha Chaney: Here’s what we’re gonna do. It

Nicole Walters: Because there’s nothing around you. Like, I went to Marina, which is right by the water. I was like, I,

Myesha Chaney: Mm-Hmm.

Nicole Walters: There’s nothing else. No noise. And people think you’re crazy because, did you take your kids with you?

Myesha Chaney: I didn’t,

Nicole Walters: hmm. Neither did I, girl. So people, and people really think that’s nuts because they’re like, It’s such a different way to choose yourself, you know, because people are like, how could you do that? Like how could you go and not take your kids with you and all this but it’s like I’m unhealthy and I’m not Well, as long as my kids are safe and secure for that time frame Let me go build something that I can bring my kids into and it sounds like that’s what you did You got yourself well,

Myesha Chaney: And I put myself in the center of my universe for the first time ever. I think things are in balance now.

Nicole Walters: Oh

Myesha Chaney: And I can be a better mom, and I can be a cool friend, and a great daughter, and a sister, and it seemed like everything in my life Became more aligned, the more aligned I became with myself.

Nicole Walters: I think that right there is a point. So that said, where can people find more alignment? Where can they go to learn more about you? And I know that there are some women right now who are saying to themselves, I’ve got a decision. And if I can just take one step in the direction I need to take with this decision, it would change everything for me. And Myesha, I just need you to stand next to me. Where can they go to find more about you?

Myesha Chaney: You can go to my Isha Chaney dot com. You can find videos, all the things on Instagram, YouTube, any kind of social platform.

Nicole Walters: love that. And y’all will have the details in the show notes below. And of course Maisha, you know, provides that one-to-one support. And, uh, she’s available to talk. I mean, as you know, first Lady style, she’s great, but when it comes to having an actionable system that you can apply to move. From where you are to where you want to be and be unstuck and you know, it may not be divorced Maybe as a first lady, you are keeping people in their marriages, you know both ways

Myesha Chaney: Of

Nicole Walters: I love it because once you’ve been divorced you meet people who are like I’m struggling with this in my marriage and you’re like Oh, that’s not even a divorceable, honey. You just need to go to therapy real quick, you know, like get back in there I almost feel like I can keep people in their marriages now cuz I’m like no I know what the whole process is like you don’t want this

Myesha Chaney: Yeah, you’re like, you’re like, here, all you got to do,

Nicole Walters: Yeah, that’s right

Myesha Chaney: these few things and you’ll be good.

Nicole Walters: That’s right. You don’t even want the divorce process. You’re actually fine. Or this is normal. That’s the other part for the young ones. I’m always like, no, what you’re dealing with is actually normal. You’re just rushing to divorce, but this is just normal. Like yes, you’re living with someone now and obviously they’re not clean all the time. Like have the conversation

Myesha Chaney: I know. Figure it figure this one out.

Nicole Walters: So no matter where you are, whether it’s, you know, figuring out the job or the parenting or the next baby or whatever, my issue is a great resource for that. And I just am so blessed that you came here and shared. Your story so vulnerably with us and especially as a public figure, you know, it’s tough sometimes to expose ourselves and put ourselves out there, but it really is a blessing and, um, and I’m grateful that you show up the way you do. And you know, I’ll be texting and hitting you up too because I got decisions to make. All right. Thanks for being here.

Myesha Chaney: Thanks for having me.

In this episode, Myesha and I chat about:

The 4 steps Myesha took to realign her life,
Why discovering your values forces you to make decisions,
How to learn about yourself in therapy, and
Why making the next best decision is so tough and yet so simple

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

Connect with Myesha HERE and on Instagram!
Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
The Misterfella and I did an extra special chat on where we are with growing our family. Don’t miss it – listen here or watch here
I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Prepping for BABY!

by Nicole Walters | May 7, 2024

Prepping For A Baby

The baby journey continues and in this chat, Alex and I bring you up to speed on what we’re doing to prepare (as much as possible) for our future babies!

One way I’m prepping is by taking my health, fitness, and wellness seriously so I can go into this next season as healthy as possible. Get Alex’s take on preparing for a pregnancy and new baby, too!

You can never prepare ENOUGH but with the right tools and resources, I can do my best with what I have control over!

Thanks for cheering us on and tuning in each week, friends!

Transcript

Hey friends. I am so excited about today’s chat because, uh, we’re actually on a couch and I brought back my very favorite person because this conversation is, uh, about babies and we wanted to talk to you about it and just kind of keep you up to speed. All the internet aunties out there on some of the things that we are exploring, some of the things that are happening in our life and just sharing what we’re learning.

And, What’s great is this episode is actually brought to you by the incredible people and team at Nike. So, uh, we’ve been working with Nike. You’re going to hear more from them and about them, and how they’re actually helping support this stage in our journey. And so I wanted to introduce today’s guest, who you already know, and I definitely love and you love.

My Alex is here.

I’m excited to be back.

Yes, my Misterfella. So, Y’all have been keeping up with our journey from the very beginning. especially because I first shared that I was going through a divorce and relationship transitions and all of that with you here.

We’ve been walking through this process now, believe it or not, for almost four years, which is kind of bananas because now, you know, we are at this place where we, I have met someone new and it’s going so great and we’ve been in a relationship for years and years and we are engaged and we are, you know, Getting married and, um, as part of that, we’ve been talking about having children.

And so we’ve had a lot of questions about that because I’m already a mom of three. and I know that a lot of people wonder how to navigate that. You know, um, I’m 39 and, uh, this would be my second marriage. And I’m already a mom and I know a lot of people say, like, I get it all the time, my DMs.

They’re like, Nicole, what is this like, what is this, you know, we’ve, we’ve already done an episode about you being a stepdad. Sure, yeah. Yeah, but people want to know more about what is it like sort of growing your family. At least for me growing and for you starting. Yeah. So, I guess let’s take everyone back to moving forward.

Let’s start with when we first met. met and kind of how we felt about children. What were your thoughts around building your own family?

Yeah, I mean, I was definitely in the place where it was coming out of the pandemic. And so, having kids wasn’t exactly on my radar. Sure, did you always know you’d be a dad? Or I always had an inclination to like want to be a dad.

I knew that I would make a good dad. Like my dad has always told me I’d make a good dad. Like people have always told me for a long time that I would make a good dad. but you know, there’s always that voice inside, just like in your profession, just like in whatever else you do where you’re like, like, I don’t, I don’t know if I’ll be good enough or I don’t know.

Talk about that. Well, I don’t like, I don’t know if I want to take on that kind of responsibility or if I’m capable of taking on that kind of responsibility. Yeah. That’s a biggie. So talk about that just for a second here, because, for people who are listening for the first time, you know, Alex is a musician, so can you mention profession?

Can you let everyone know kind of what you mean about, yes, you knew you’d be a good dad, but you had hesitancy. I also think this is important for anyone who’s listening is kind of younger because this generation is also really big on it. I don’t know if we want to take on parenting because of what’s happening in the world.

I’ve heard it so many times. Oh, the world’s so messed up. I don’t want to bring a kid into this crazy world. So can you talk a little bit more about that? Is that what you mean? Or, uh, no, just like, am I smart enough to teach a child to survive here? Or am I, capable of and responsible enough with my time management to, to, you know, guide this child and make sure they learn all the things or get, you know, like, yeah, it’s, it’s, it’s a scary thing, you know, at the end of the day, it’s like, I know that I am, you know, and I am capable, I am responsible enough and I am selfless enough to, to put them first.

And that’s another big thing. Am I selfless enough? Do you know, like, am I capable of putting somebody else before myself? You know, and when you’re single for a while, you know, you’re just thinking about yourself. So it’s hard to think about flipping your life upside down for this baby, you’ve never met. So it’s like hard to fathom being a parent, being a parent and going into that world when just everything is so opposite. Sure. But, you know, I also hadn’t met anybody, you know, up until now that I wanted to kind of jump into that world with, you know, like I always knew I did, but I just, I knew that once I met the right person that I would want to marry and have a kid with that, you know, I would probably lean that direction, then I’ll just, I’d figure it out. So it’s interesting you say that because, for those who you don’t know, Alex is a type of person where even if he goes into a restaurant and he reads a description of an item on the menu, he wants to open up Yelp to find a picture of the dish, right?

I have to see it. He likes to see or get a visualization of what, as much as he can, of what might be to come. And parenting is just not one of those places where you typically get to do that. Right. But that’s where I was really lucky because I did get to do that. Tell us more about that. I did. Because you’re already a mom.

You have three girls. And I, I got to sample the goods. Oh my God. No, it’s true. I guess like, you know, it’s interesting. And I, the reason why I wanted to call that out and yes, that was a little bit of a leading question is because a lot of the mamas that are in my DMS that are looking for a second chance at love or are looking to, you know, step into that arena again, often feel like their kids are a hindrance or a burden or something like that.

But little do you know, you know, For a guy who may not have a family of his own either, you know, but is is maybe looking to start one or maybe interested in parenting with you, you know, the fact that you’re already a mom might be a bonus. They might love you more because of who you are as a mom. Oh, yeah, because when it well, yeah, it’s really funny because like, and first you didn’t want me to see you.

Oh, let’s talk about it. Yeah, you don’t want me to see you in that light as a mom because I wanted you to get to know me first. As me. I mean, we can just say that transparently. So when we first met, I did not tell Alex much about my background, my work, my kids, or anything just for, transparently y’all, safety reasons.

We were just dating and he did not need, I needed to know, Is this guy even legit to me before I, like, do I like him before I start disclosing elements about my life, my background, my children, all of that. Now, does it mean that I outright was like, I have no children, I don’t know about children, nothing. I mean, in the very beginning, beginning, of course, we didn’t talk about that.

We’re just dating. You don’t even need to know my address. You know what I mean? But little by little, I was like, hey, these are some things you need to know about me. Um, and you didn’t even meet the kids until. I mean, we were several months in before I was even comfortable with that. Yeah, it was getting definitely like serious before, you know, we, we pretty much laid out our intentions and we were serious by the time I met them because I know you’re not going to just introduce them to anybody.

And serious, I mean, transparently to you, you know, and I think you know this, if it hadn’t worked out with the kids, it wouldn’t have been, you know, so we were serious, but it was, you know, internally. It couldn’t have gone to the next step. It couldn’t have gone to the next step. Unless I passed the test

The check with the kids. Absolutely. Well, and also I needed you to see me as a mom. That was such a huge part of it was you needed to like and love the person I was as a mother because it’s a different, I mean, you could talk about it. I’m a different person when it comes to being a mom. Yeah, you are. And but like before that happened, you know, I think this is important to note too, that you didn’t want to show me.

That side of you being a mom because you didn’t want me to see you it like like we’re dating Yeah, you know like I wanted to be the like you want to be the cute Girlfriend, we can just go on dates and have fun and go and have a drink and blah blah blah You know, it’s like once I see you as a mom you were worried it would kind of ruin I just didn’t want to be doubted image.

Yeah, like I didn’t want Well, I wanted us to have a legit cause look, my life is a lot and you know, this, everyone who’s, it’s just a lot. I’ve got three kids, I’ve got a baby mama, I’ve got, you know, an ex, I have, you know, internet aunties, listen, that’s real. Like, I mean, you’ve know, now that you’ve met them, the internet aunties are real

Like they’re not playing either about their, the babies, you know? So it’s just, I come with a lot of peoples, you know? And because of that, I just wanted you to have an opportunity to know and love the person first. Okay. You know, and for us to at least rack up those type of memories for sure. And it makes sense, but it’s, but it’s like funny because you didn’t want to show me that, you know, to change your image, but also it’s very much who you are.

And then once you did show me that side of you, it actually enabled us to get more serious because once I saw you in that light as a, as a mother, I was like, Oh, she’s a really good mom. I could see having a kid with you because I already know that you’re a good mom. I don’t need to wait to find out. You know, like I can already see it.

You know, I think it’s interesting that you said, thank you for that. By the way, I love you. I think it’s interesting that you say that because again, a lot of moms who think, Oh my gosh, I’m coming with these kids and I don’t know if a guy is going to be interested in all that. Let’s think about the other side of it.

Listen, if you find out someone isn’t a good mom, how quick are we to make a call around that? You know, it, it is pretty revealing. You know, I think one of the things that is pretty well known psychologically is if you’re unkind to children or unkind to animals or you aren’t able to find vulnerability and selflessness in relation to children and animals, that says a lot about your character, you know, and, um, So you meet someone and you find out that, okay, they, they know how to do this consistently, right?

Cause you’ve seen me parent now for years, you know, and you’ve seen me parent through one of the most difficult times of my life, you know, is kind of this divorce post divorce time as well as, teenage years, which is a very big as a thing as well. You know, having seen me, you know, go through that process, I think that you, you, You’ve got a pretty good sampler of what it’s like.

Oh, for sure. And even part of it also, which I love you for. Yeah. In that process. So let’s talk about what that meant then. Elephant in the room, I’m not a spring chicken. I’m a seasoned chicken, as my friend Jen always says, right? So, you know, So you decide you want to have more kids, but you’ve also decided to not pick a girl who’s 25, you know, not that you would date a 25 year old anyways, but you know, yeah, right, like you are someone who is young enough, you know, I am of geriatric age, geriatric, what do they call it, geriatric maternity, something, I am of geriatric age.

It’s like the worst way you could have possibly said that. Listen, that’s science though, science says that. So it does mean, you know, and again, this episode is sponsored by Nike because, you know, I’ve really been paying attention to, like, my fitness, my well being, my body, particularly since we’ve met, you know, like, I just, I’m far more aware of it.

Making sure that I am in good condition, not just to look good for my man, but because we’re trying to take on these things and I need to integrate that into my lifestyle. Oh, Oh my God. I mean, speaking of perfect, because like I say it all the time, my main job, my one job is to carry things. That is my, that’s like my, the man’s main job and rich carry.

What, whatever and all of that, right? Use the tall, I need to borrow your tall come reach things. So it’s important that I stay in shape and it’s important that I like work out. And I’m, you know, I’m serious about maintaining my fitness and stuff like one, because I, I mean, I care about the way I look. I’m in the music industry.

It’s a part of it. It’s important. but two, So I can carry things when the baby, when the baby comes, whenever that happens, I will, I will be carrying the baby. I will be carrying bags. I will be carrying supplies. I might be carrying you too. I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s possible. And I love that. Your feet might be hurting.

I’d be like, hop on. I got you. I love you. You know, like I need to be fit. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. And also, um, I’m not running after this kid. Listen, I’m a woman of a certain age. If you want to have another little young in, okay. I’m not going to be 45 years old running around on this playground.

I’m going to be like, go get your son because he’s being a lot right now. So no, all of that. I appreciate, but also prior to you tapping in, you know, when this baby’s here, I have to carry this thing solo, you know, like you got to carry the thing of pregnancy is what I mean. Not my baby, but the thing of pregnancy.

And, a lot of that has been paying attention to what can I do at the age that I am, you know, that is ongoing. We were actually literally just having this conversation the other day about, one, I’ve recently lost, well, so, alright, y’all, we just gonna say it. I put on some happy weight when we met relationship, relationship weight, you know, and we both did.

We both got a little soft, you know, because between dating and couching and just being comfortable and all that travel, like all the things that happened. So put on some weight. And, uh, you know, but as you know, now we’re, So, um, you know, we’ve been talking more about starting our family and, um, one of the things I’m aware of is, look, you can’t plan for everything, right?

You can’t, there’s a lot you don’t control with babies. You never feel like you have enough money. You never feel like you have enough space or time. You never feel like you’re certain enough about the future. But, One thing you can prepare for is with your health and your well being. So, like you said, you’ve been like working out and things like that, you know, but I know, I knew for a fact that I wanted to make sure I managed my diet and that I wasn’t coming into it with extra weight on me.

Yeah, I mean, like it’s gonna have you running around. Yes, yes. Like, if you’re lugging around all the extra weight too, it’s just gonna be that much harder. It’s gonna be that much harder. And then also knowing that, you know, as a geriatric pregnancy, you know, I Recovery might be Recovery could be tougher and, you know, and again, You never know what you’re going into.

We, you know, cross our fingers. We pray to God that, you know, it’s a smooth, easy pregnancy with an easy delivery and a healthy child. That’s what we all hope for. And that’s what we claim in advance. Um, and y’all can all stand in agreement on that with me, but we’re also very aware that, you know, one of the things that’s great is We want to integrate daily healthy lifestyle and wellness habits that are going to be in alignment with supporting a healthy pregnancy.

So let’s talk a little bit about some of the daily healthy things that we know we can probably do. You know, one of the first things was I didn’t want to go into my pregnancy with extra weight. So I started really managing my intake around extra sugars, around, um, like fried and saturated foods, and just being more mindful around my protein intake.

Because that’s something that I felt would help a lot. Protein coffee. Protein coffee. Oh, do you want to tell everyone about my protein coffee? It’s a good hack. It is. I didn’t even know if it’s actually a hack, to be honest. I mean, whatever it tastes good and it gets you extra protein in the day.

I know I’ve been giving you my protein coffees. Are you into it? Yeah. No sugar, no cream. You just put a little pro like protein drink, you know, premade one, you know, good one that you can find. Just put it straight up in your coffee. It’s got a little bit of, uh, like milk in there. It’s got a little bit of sugar.

So it just gives you. A little bit of taste what you need and, you know. And you’re getting in like 30 grams of protein with your coffee in the morning. Like, why wouldn’t you do that? So, I mean, just little things like that have really been helpful, you know, in preparing my body for baby, you know, and, and I’m grateful because I’ve also gotten off You know, some extra weight, you know, which is, it’s hard to take off, but I’m really glad that I have.

I know, I look good. She looks good, y’all. This is not that type of podcast, please, sir. This is a family podcast, mister. Oh my god, the way you’re laughing right now and blushing, I can’t even stop looking at me like that. No. So, ew. Okay. Okay. I wonder, you know, it’s funny. Okay. Y’all just pause for a minute because all of you guys

don’t know how long we’re going to be like this. People tell me that, you know, it can be like this forever, but it feels honeymoony. I am still just as excited and like, Not that I don’t have weeks, right? I can’t stand you. You know that. Like, yeah, that’s like totally, like, hormonal and normal, right?

Yeah, yeah. But I still am very, like, blushy around you. And I don’t know if that’s, like, I don’t know, I don’t know how long that’s gonna be. I don’t know. I hope it just doesn’t stop. Forever. Yeah, I know. That’s the goal, I guess, right? I don’t know. Yeah, whatever. Anyways, yeah. Okay, moving on, moving on. I’m trying my best.

I’m smiling like I love my dentist. So, but that said, um, you make me forget what I was gonna say. But yeah, so, so it’s interesting because, just knowing that I’m doing all these things in preparation of, you know how like you lose weight for your wedding or you lose weight for if you’re in the industry, like in entertainment, it’s actually really common that you have to make weight for different things, you know, whether it is, um, and you know, diet culture is a whole thing.

Body positivity, y’all. I’m, I’m completely in understanding and agreement with like all of that, but it also doesn’t change the fact that with certain professions, like for instance, if you’re an Olympian, you know, you gotta get fit for, you know, the job. Or if you are a church goer, you’re not going to wear a bikini in church.

It’s not fair that, you know, people won’t accept you the way that you want to be seen. However, realistically, if you want to have access to certain things in spaces, you may have to adapt to fit in those spaces. So that little disclaimer caveat being said, you know, When you work in the entertainment industry, part of that is maintaining your appearance, you know, partly for the gig.

So like when I do speaking gigs, it helps that I’m not as heavy because for me, and it may not be for everyone, you know, but for me, that was a challenge. You know, like it may hurt my knees. I got out of breath. I’m on stage for 45 minutes. Like I had to make an adjustment so I could do my job. Yeah, and I think that’s like the Disconnect a lot of time is there people can think that like, you know, maintaining your, your fitness and stuff is just purely for like superficial, superficial, external reasons, cosmetic reasons just to appear good on stage.

But it’s like, no, there’s functional, functional reasons, like a musician, like you talk about some of the vocal exercises and lung capacity. I mean, I mean, all that aside, I mean, some of the gigs, that I play. I mean, you know, you might be like dancing around or you need to, yeah, in lung capacity, you might be playing for a while or you might be on your feet for a while.

And if you’re like, Not able to do that. You may not be able to do that gig. That’s right. No, that’s fair. That’s money out of your pocket. Like, look, I’m certain that in Beyonce’s off season, sis is hanging out, watching her shows, catching up on Netflix. But by the time she has to hit that stage, she is fit.

She is toned. Because if she wouldn’t, there’s no way she’d be making through that show. Now it’s like physically couldn’t do it. You know what I mean? She would pass out. It’s just too much. And I think that that is the same sort of mindset where sometimes you get so caught up in our. Uh, but like things thinking everything’s about appearance, you know, and not understanding that it’s about wellness and you know, I’m not looking to be the slimmest.

It’s going to take time for my body to recover from pregnancy. We know that right? I’ve heard that the average woman takes two years before their body resets after pregnancy and that’s Average, right? You know, for some, it might be three for some, they may bounce back quicker with money, resources, tools, all that.

Right. Not all of us have access to trainers or whatever else, but you know, I just want to make sure I’m doing my best to build out the wellness habits of care. You know, um, we’ve even talked about how, When we were looking at moving in together, our home, we discussed a baby as part of that.

Like, the neighborhood, the sidewalks. That was the plan, like, what kind of neighborhood are we moving into? Yeah, the sidewalks, is the surrounding area flat? Are there sidewalks or is it just a street? Like, are there hills? Because that’s going to be hard. Even when we’re picking a home, like, when you get pregnant.

We picked a rancher because we’re like, you’re not going to want to deal with stairs like you’re going to sleep on that was funny that you were really worried about I was like, I don’t want to carry the baby upstairs. It’s so cute, y’all. Because especially as a as a, you know, already mama, like, I know that that’s not as and all the mamas listening right now are like, Oh, because because.

Oh, It’s you’re so worried about being able to carry this baby up and down stairs safely. And like, when I tell you as a mom, I don’t want to, I play the worst scenarios in my head. I’m like, what if I’m carrying the baby up to its bed and I trip on the stairs or like any, like I play crazy scenarios like that in my head.

I’m like, nope, just keep it nice and flat. Well, now we will have a home with no stairs, no stairs, no way, no risk. We’re good. There’s Sidewalks outside, it’s so cute, it’s so cute, but you know, but it’s true in terms of like the stairs inside thing is just an adorable thing you’re concerned about. But I will tell you as a parent, you end up with this weird second thing that happens to you.

It doesn’t mean mistakes don’t happen and it doesn’t mean that, but like they’re unavoidable mistakes, but for the most part you have this like. radar thing in you that like keeps you alert to your child. I don’t know how to explain it like so for instance Um, I think I’ve told you I’ve had scenarios where alley, you know When she was only maybe like four or five when when baby sleep first of all, they’re knocked out Right?

Like, I mean, even now she’s 12 and when she is sleep, she has gone to the world, right? Because she feels safe, you know, so she’s for sleeping next to me in a hotel room bed and starts to roll off that bed. I don’t know if I was asleep or half awake or whatever. I reach out and grab. It was like, I could feel that she was falling and grabbed her and threw her back in the bed before she hit that ground.

Sis didn’t even wake up videos with all the epic dad saves dad saves. I’m telling you, you cool. And even if you do fall down the stairs, you better believe that baby is going to, you’re going to Simba that baby, it will land up in the air, and your body will be bleeding and everything, that baby will be fine, okay, that baby will be fine, okay, so, so it’s just funny that you mentioned the stair thing, but realistically, the other preparation stuff around The wellness of a pregnancy before the baby even shows up.

We wanted a neighborhood with, you know, flat sidewalks that we could walk. You know, like I just got my new sneakers from Nike, the motivas that I love. And they’re like rocking sneakers. Oh yeah. You showed me the cushion. I was like, it’s like an inch and a half thick of just walking out of cloud cush. I was like, can you imagine being pregnant when you have swollen ankles, swollen knees, and I’m able to walk comfortably because they’re designed to kind of Help me with my foot.

It’s going to be major because when I’m pregnant, listen, there are a lot of pregnant women who are like runners and athletes and competing in the Olympics. I mean, Serena, you know, one Wimbledon, you know, while pregnant with, you know, her baby, you know, so I’m not them. So I feel like a good precursor is kind of where did you start and where are you going to end up?

And because I don’t have that baseline of fitness, I do know walking is something I can do and I should do to help me maintain My wellness during pregnancy and you can help support that, but we wanted to pick a neighborhood, you know, and get the right tools, resources, athletic equipment and gear so that I’m able to, when you’re not around, at least have the freedom to walk and you don’t have to worry, you know?

So it’s interesting because I’m glad that I have. Gear that I know will support me during that process from Nike, you know, cause all their stuffs. And you also, you think I look good in it, which is also really, Oh, that also it helps us. Um, and they also have maternity workout bras, which is further emphasizes when you’re pregnant, you know, I still have the ability to do everything I could do before and stay healthy and fit, you know?

So it’s been fun to kind of start that journey now and build out the habits so that hopefully, you know, as I go through pregnancy, you know, I’m able to do this. And can I just say. It’s weird to talk about this thing, this certainty, you know, of having a baby when I think of, like, where we were just a couple years ago, even though it’s always been on our mind.

How does it feel for you? Is it weird to talk about, like, knowing that we’ll be coming back here to talk to the Internet aunties in, I don’t know when, honestly, but, you know, at some point, and sharing that we’re having a baby. Yeah. I mean, it’s exciting. It’s exciting. That’s what you feel is excitement? I feel excitement.

I’m like, I I’m nervous. I’m going to be honest. Oh, good looking kids are good. Good looking, talented, smart kids are going to rule the world. Oh my gosh. It’s funny because I’m so used to my kids being pre cooked, right? So it’s like, I already know what I’m getting. I’ve, I’ve had the Yelp of children. I’m able to go in there and be like, I know what the dish looks like.

I’ll take those. Right. But this one is going to wait and see. I know. Oh my gosh. It’s excitement. It’s nervousness. It’s excitement. And it’s. It puts a fire under me to prepare, like, not just to prepare physically, but to prepare, like, in, you know, in my business, you know, and professionally. That is such a big shift we’ve been making also is really looking, cause also obviously, Again, like I said at the top, y’all, you’ll never be prepared enough.

You’ll never have enough. It’ll always be, we could use more, always something else, you know, but realistically, if you know that having more children is something you want to do, which I think that was the big question for us was how would we feel if we didn’t have children? Not so much because listen, transparently, we have a great life.

Of good life. Sometimes we even look at each other and we’re like, do we want kids? I know, because we can literally just go travel and like, just like hang out. We like each other. You know what I mean? And also we have children already and we love our babies. Mm-Hmm. . You know what I mean? Like parenting ally is like, we talk about her all the time.

It’s such a joy. Like, and it’s so fulfilling. But then when we think about not making a child together right? Then I feel like this weird sadness or I feel the same thing. Or fomo. Yeah. Or I feel like I’m gonna get on the other side of it. And we’re going to wish we had had that journey together, you know, and I think that that’s the part that kind of put us firmly in the, okay, this is a yes call.

Yeah, because I could see myself being sad that we didn’t make that move when it was possible, you know, and then now we’re getting older, which I don’t have much of a window transparently, you know, to be able to, and, and again, like you have kids, like, well, you know, we have kids, you know, I’ve like, you know, and, um, and it’s great.

Yeah. Um, but the whole, and it’s different and the whole experience of having like a bio kid, you know, is something that I’ve wanted to do. And what’s nice is it’s unique to us. Like it gets to be part of our thing. Like there’s something that we get to do together that, you know, I have been married before, you know, and I obviously am a mom.

forever. You know, and also I’m a universal mom. You know that about everybody. Everybody’s babies are my babies, right? So those are becoming apparent like that. Those are experiences. I’ve never been pregnant before. I’ve never had an infant. I’ve never been married before. Like this is my first go of all of this.

So it’s really special because I think we get to have this season together uniquely, which is Um, but that said, you know, in terms of preparation outside of doing what we can for our own physical wellness, you know, particularly my wellness, you know, getting the right gear, doing the right steps, doing things I can do through pregnancy, you know, there’s also preparing our lives.

So like in the workspace, you know, I am looking to put more emphasis on certain areas. elements of my work, like I do more speaking gigs now, um, because that allows me to be home, you know, and I get to, uh, structure my day. So I don’t try not to work on Mondays and Fridays. So I have four days off and three days on, which is hugely helpful.

Um, those three days I will note are very on. They are very safe. Yes, they’re very, very, full day. It’s not less work, for anyone listening, it’s not less work because there are other days off. It just all gets condensed and packed into three days. You’re right about that. I’m basically putting a forty five hour workweek into three days.

So there’s trade offs. But, you know, that’s good. And the same thing is for you. I think that what’s amazing is you handle Mornings and afternoons with Allie, so that I’m able to have those middle times off. but you’re also building out a regularity in your structure as you’re doing things. Yeah, yeah, I’m building up, you know, it’s like, you know, I’ve been doing good stuff and it’s getting better and better.

And profession shifts also, because you used to do more touring. Yeah, more traveling. More recording with artists. And recording and stuff. Performing stuff. Yeah, and, you know, I’ve been doing more music production and Composing. Composing and seeing a lot of progress there. And that’s, you know, the, the focus.

Yeah. And this is, you know, as you like to say, it’s build season. It is build season. You know, I’ve been doing a lot of good stuff and I’m looking forward to doing more good stuff, but this is the real, real build season. Oh my gosh! And shout out! You’re nominated for a telly award for a commercial that you did music for.

I love you and I’m proud of you and I’m bragging about you to the aunties. That was amazing. Yeah. You’ve had a lot of really great projects coming out. Yeah. Yeah. It’s good stuff. And there’s going to be a lot more. And this is, you know, like I said, so it’s build season. So you were just accepted to a really elite music program here in LA.

We’re not going to talk about all the details. You can know later, but you know, that’s also really big. So you’re going to be part of this program. Getting as much experience as I can. Um, under my belt and pushing, you know, my own brand and my business as far as I can to establish myself the best that I can by the time baby comes.

Yeah. So I’ve already done hopefully the vast majority of the grunt work required. You know, to propel my career, right? Which I mean, the upside is you’re doing so much of this already. It helps that you’re a trained composer. It helps that you’re trained and I have been doing it. But now with the energy of a baby, you know, like a little fuel to the fire.

It’s fuel on the fire. Because again, because you are a seasoned chicken, right? We don’t have a lot of we don’t. Yeah, transparently, transparently, we don’t have a lot to get in a second even. So it’s like, so all the work that I am like, I have to do it. Like right now, right. You know, because we also have to make moves on a baby, like right now, you know, sooner than later.

Yeah. So it’s like, you know, just preparing everything. So then by the time baby comes, we’re as prepared as we possibly can be and further our own stuff, the furthest we could be. So, cause I want to be a present dad, you know, you want to be a present mom. So let’s, let’s do it. Do what we need to do right now.

So then when baby comes, we can be in a better position. That’s right. And so do you have any, since you’re here and you know, the aunties love hearing from you any sort of feedback, I think for, uh, the aunties who are saying to themselves, gosh, maybe I do feel a call in my life to grow my family. Or, you know, is it possible to find someone who will love me, my children, my, cause also you’ve been parenting prepping by raising Allie as a stepdad.

You are full on stepdad mode. I mean, I can honestly say that. One of the blessings of knowing, of having kids is, I, and I can tell you fully, I don’t think I’ve ever told you this, so I’ll tell you now, but, um, I didn’t know how, what a blessing it was to be able to see you be a dad first. So, like, I always knew that I had a calling on my life to have more children.

That was something I, like, I always knew I was supposed to be a bio mom. I didn’t understand how that would manifest in my first marriage because there were other challenges, right? But I still have that call in my spirit. Once I was divorced. And so what was complicated for me was I didn’t know how that was going to be answered because there was also some of the fear and the trauma around it.

Plus I had three babies and I was getting older. So I was like, this doesn’t make sense to me. How am I even going to trust some dude to have children with them? And I didn’t realize that the blessing of already having and being a mom and three kids is that I was able to see you be a dad. Right. Also.

Yeah, I guess you got to sample it, too. I didn’t even know how amazing, like. And it’s been, you know, it was an adjustment at first. You know, I stumbled a couple of times. Because how can you just be plunged into fatherhood? Do you want to give an example of that stumbling? Or you don’t have to if you want to.

Oh, I don’t care. It’s fine. No, like the call. Oh, the call. The call, the call heard around. Not the call, her call not heard around the world. Right? Yeah. ’cause you were, you were on set. Mm-Hmm. . I was filming a TV show. Yeah. She was filming a show and, um, she asked, she, her schedule was crazy and she had asked me like, Hey, please call Allie at this time.

You know, we had already met. Mm-Hmm. and me and Ally were already kind of like. You know, getting to know each other and talking a little bit on her own, you know, if she had a problem or something, you know, I would, like, I’m here, you know, step in. She knew you were a resource. She knew I was a resource. And so, you know, you would ask me to call and check up on her, make sure everything’s all good.

Because it was our usual nighttime check, but I was on set for like 15 hours that day and because of time zones. Right. It was like, I’m not gonna make my, her 730 bedtime call, so I was like, hey, today I’m not gonna make it. Right. Can you just check in? Right, right, and, uh, and I You actually volunteered.

Yeah, I was like, yeah, I can absolutely do that, like, I can do that, and I completely spaced. Yeah. I completely spaced, I did not make that call. I guess like a priority for me that day. Like I, it was on the agenda to do. And I was like, okay, like I’ll give her a call. Like whatever, you know, I didn’t think it was a big, big deal, but the way you flipped out on me, because Allie was calling me and I was on set.

So I get back and you’ll understand what I’m saying now. And every mom listening already knows what I’m talking about. Like literally all the moms right now are like, and they love you, but they know what I’m feeling right now. When. I got off set and I look at my phone and I have like four or five missed calls from my daughter.

Every mom knows that for me, you, you would have to fight to keep me in California. I was ready to run because I’m like, that is not, no mom ever wants to experience that, right? So then it becomes, you know, first I check in on my baby, you know what I mean? And then I call you and I’m like, hey, you know, What happened here?

You know what I mean? Well, I’m saying it nicely here. I don’t know, but the mamas can catch my energy. Y’all can hear my tone right now. I was like, what happened here? And it’s so funny because a lot of people, I guess we’re going to keep it really candid. A lot of people don’t know that side of me.

Everyone thinks I’m so syrupy sweet or whatever, you know, and I am a nice person. But also it’s like, it’s like, it’s like mama bear. Mama bear is like really. It’s like very sweet and cuddly, but Mama Bear can also bawl. No, like my baseline is like grace, kindness, whatever, you know, but at the end of the day, when it comes to my, my company, like as a businesswoman, I am a businesswoman.

So, you know, different, different entities, different, different entities. And then when it comes to my children, I am a, um, Fierce protector, period. You’re not going to get like the niceties are out the window when it comes to my kids and I don’t care who you are and you were a new guy. You know what I mean?

This was a new level of trust because I never asked you to raise or help with my kids at that point. It was, I got, you know, but I wanted to help and I wanted to be helpful. My intentions were good. I went off on you. I went off. Oh, went off. Went off. I said, no. Oh yeah. And, and after that moment, I realized how bad it was.

It is that I really need to, like, change the way I’m thinking about this because I really need to step it up. If I say I’m going to do this, I really, really need to do it, especially if it concerns the kid. Yes. And, you know, and I’ve I don’t think I’ve stumbled. Never. Stumbled that bad. Not once. There’s maybe a couple little things where I dropped the ball, but like nothing like that.

Nothing like that. Not, and not even, and the thing is, let’s just be transparent. Missing a call is not even that bad. I’m not some like nutcase, right? It’s not that. It was that, it was the first thing. It was that you offered to do it, it was a trust factor, and it’s also, I know my girls, I know the trauma they’ve dealt with, I know their background, so if you say that you’re going to follow through with something, I need that follow through to happen.

Right, it doesn’t matter what it is. Right, and I also needed you to understand that like, hey, these are Kids. And if you let me down, it’s one thing. The kids are different animals. So it was just that it was a more loaded scenario, but the call itself, like now, if you miss a call with the kids, I’m like, it’s cool.

They’re fine. The scenario was loaded. And you also have an established history with them now. So it’s totally different. I’ve been very, very consistent. You have, I’ve been working on you. I’ve been working really, really hard. They, I mean, even if my older girls can’t get ahold of me, they know they can call you and talk through whatever the issue is.

Like, you know, You are basically they’re like number two go to person to talk to. And so it’s interesting because in that scenario, I remember being like really firm about like, Hey, don’t play with this. And since then we’ve had like the things that you drop the ball on are actually Things that honestly, I don’t know if I’ve told you that, but every parent drops the ball on.

Stuff like, hey, you know, you might have been a softie with the kid now, but she’s getting older now and you have to be firm. Or you might have pushed bedtime a little bit, but recognize you’re gonna deal with a pain in the morning. You know, like this is, that’s normal stuff, you know. But it was nice to see you, it’s been nice to see you parent.

With her because it’s only made me feel even more prepared. I never, I have never questioned if it was a good decision to have children with you. Like, and honestly, when I tell other people, I’m like, if that part of it, it feels like a privilege to get to be the mother of your children because you’re going to be such a good dad and I’m so grateful that I’m older.

And doing this because I’m so much wiser. Like I was married first at 22, so I was really young. I, I honestly didn’t have any business getting married in general. I was just too young, you know, like for me, some people it’s great, but for me, I wasn’t ready. but at 39, I couldn’t be more confident no matter what happens with us, that parenting with you is a privilege.

Because you are going to be an excellent father, an excellent, excellent father, like to me or anyone else, like hopefully nobody else, you know what I mean, but And I will also say in terms of like, you know, some women thinking if they have kids, like, like a guy is not going to be into that. Yeah, yeah. Um, it’s funny because a lot of people in my family are actually, Step parents, like my, my cousin’s dog is, uh, a stepfather, and now they have their own bio kid and it’s just one.

I wouldn’t have known if you hadn’t said anything. They’re just one big family. Yeah. And then for her and my cousin, Lisa, she, she is a stepmother. I forget about that. Yeah. Her husband, uh, Michael has two She has bios also. And now they have their bios. So, you know, and I’m the third, I’m the third in my family, in my immediate family to be a step parent.

So this is not rare, at least on my family. And this isn’t, It’s probably less, it’s less rare than we think it is. It’s probably less rare, yeah. And it’s not as weird as people think it is or whatever. It’s like if you, Love this person, you know, you love all of you love all of them. I think that that may be the feedback that we can leave people with is just, you know, as you are looking to shape your life and prepare for the future and things like that.

If you feel like your kids are a hindrance, little do you know, you may be putting your ick into the moment, you know, and your own preconceived notions and your partner’s not even thinking about that. If anything, your partner could be thinking or potential partner or future partner could be thinking it’s a bonus.

It’s a blessing, you know, and I think that every single day as I see you parent, and as we plan for our future, it feels like a blessing. Yes. So thank you so much for having this conversation with me here. It’s, uh, I will say it’s weird to talk about this stuff. It’s interesting cause we only really share like 10 percent of where we are.

We share the rest later, but it feels weird to talk about it, you know, here. But, I appreciate it because I know that it can be helpful for so many and the internet aunties are always keeping an eye on you. So when they hear from you periodically, it’s a good thing. I know I need them on my side. So I’m uh, I’m glad.

You’re all right. I love you so much. Thank you for being here. Yeah, for sure.

In this episode, Alex and I chat about:

What were each focused on prepping for baby,
The reality behind prepping our careers for this season,
Why we’re keeping a healthy attitude, and
What the next steps for us are!

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

Let’s connect over on Instagram and Facebook!
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Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
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When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

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