Season 3, Episode 53: I’m Tired of Excuses!

Season 3, Episode 53

Nicole:

Hey friends, so I have been chatting with you about starting over and about new relationships and parenting and all sorts of crazy things that are happening in my life.

But I wanted to talk to you about sort of a day to day thing that I’m dealing with and this actually came up this morning. I have really been working hard on what building my next chapter looks like and motivating myself. And I know this is something that we’re all working on because honestly, it’s one of the number one thing is that slides into my DMs.

Everyone is always asking me, Nicole, how do I get my old fire back? Nicole, how do I find my motivation? Or, you know, life has happened and I feel derailed? How do I get back to where I need to be? And what’s interesting is that, oftentimes I’m asked this because people look at me and they say, Nicole, you always have so much going on. You’re working hard, you’re managing the kids, you’ve built this business, you are on TV, you’re on stages, you’re doing all these things.

And I just want to let you know that even with all those things going on, it’s almost like the more driven you are, the more accomplished you are, the more you are saying to yourself, I’m not doing enough. And this may not apply to everyone. I know there are lots of people out there who have grown or matured or in some special brand of therapy that has them saying no, this isn’t me, right? Like I’m good. I know, I understand my balance. I give myself grace, like trust, I follow those people on social media that are constantly like, No, I understand soft life, and I have my meditative series. I’m not those people, my baseline is anxious, okay, and I am constantly working on it.

But the truth is, I’m always giving myself a hard time about excellence, which is why you hear me talk so much about grace, half of the chats that we have here are for me, there’s so that I can listen back and say, girl, remember the time you gave that wise advice to your friends about chilling out and granting grace, take it for yourself.

So I wanted to talk to you about that. I get triggered by social media. And I think you do too. Where you see something that is posted. And it’ll either be a friend who’s like doing really, really well. And I’m blessed to have the type of friends that win Emmys and Grammys and Oscars, and it’s all really incredible to have these types of people in my life. But boy, is it triggering when you are cleaning up poop and diapers and when you are grocery shopping. And when you’re cleaning melted crayon out of the dryer, that was me yesterday. You know, sometimes you just look at your life, and you’re just kind of like, Am I doing all the things that I’m supposed to be doing? Because it really feels like, you know, my peers who are in the same age range, or we started in the same place or just doing such different things.

And, you know, I woke up this morning and I said to myself, well, one thing I do know, and I hope you know this about yourself too, is that nothing is missing. Right? We all have the ability somewhere inside of us to do the things that we are called to do and what we are called to do may not be like for me, I have the ability inside myself to you know, become a very impactful, worldwide global, awesome person, right? Like, I know I’ve got that in me. But I don’t necessarily have it in me to be a ballerina dancer, but that’s okay, because I was not called to do that. Okay, these thighs say that all day.

Okay, so so we all have what’s in us to be to do what we’re called to do. And I woke up this morning, and I’m not kidding. The first thing I said to myself was Nicole, you have been so stressed about all the things and this is real and I’m going to keep it super candid. With a divorce, like they’re expensive, you know, and I’m trying not to get too emotional here but like they’re costly, you know, the expenses of meaning and I’m the breadwinner and always have been and the cost of maintaining two homes and two lives and you know, taking care of your kids 100% by yourself. And that includes not just the day to day for your children, like your meals and their food and things like that, but paying for things like child care and summer camps and clothing on their backs.

And in a divorce situation, you know, you’re also maintaining your old life if you’re the breadwinner. So, you know, I am the only person who contributes to taking care of multiple people, and it’s stressful and I worry sometimes if it’s all going to be enough, and in my lowest self, you know, in the moments where I am the least strong and the least reflective of, you know, my best thinking, I worry that it just won’t be enough, you know, I worry that I’m not going to get to the next place, or I’m worried that I am going to keep chasing, and then I will lack, you know, in some way, shape or form.

But in my best self, you know, the person who woke up this morning, thankfully, you know, I really ask myself, am I doing everything I can to maximize what I do have? Because there’s so much I’m not in control of. And that’s what I wanted to say to you today. And that’s where I really wanted us to connect today.

Instead of focusing on maybe not having that Grammy or you know, not getting that new house or whatever big milestone, having that kid, whatever big milestone it feels like your friend or the person you admire, or you know, whoever your peer is has hit. Have you thought about asking yourself, What have you done today, in a small, tiny moment  to really get yourself to where you want to be. And I don’t mean this in a big goal setting way. I’m talking about getting even more micro about it. And before we can always talk about and I talked about this in my keynote speech before we can talk about the tiny things that we need to do to get to where we want to be. I want to talk about something that I had to explore this morning. In a really intentional way. I was laying in bed and I want to tell you about my morning routine. So I’m really blessed to have a partner in Alex my Misterfella, if you don’t know who he is, you can actually listen to I think two episodes ago, we did a live couples therapy. But I talked about him throughout the season. He’s actually been on our few episodes. And in our morning routine, when I tell you this guy is like super stepdad, he is all in. He is amazing.

So he wakes up, and he handles school drop off, and I have the option every morning to sleep in. So her wake up hill, the baby gets herself up, I call her the baby because she’s forever my baby but she is definitely almost 12. So she wakes up, kind of does her morning routine, gets herself going, and then is ready to go to school. And so he’ll go ahead and drop her off at school and then he’ll go swing by the gym, get in a good workout. Usually he’ll be gone for about 90 minutes and then come back. And then we’ll either have breakfast together or, you know, start our respective days.

Now the reason why our routine looks like this is because I love a sleep in. And if there’s anything that anyone knows about me it is that if I can sleep in until 11 o’clock, I will. I love a sleep in. I can stay up until maybe like 10, 11, but I just I love sleeping. It’s just like, I love to wake up naturally, you know, when I’ve fully felt like I’ve gotten my entire rest. And what’s great is I have a partner who’s very supportive of that. But the truth is, I really woke up this morning, you know, when I heard him get up and kind of do his thing. And I’ll be even more transparent about everything that happened this morning.

He set an alarm, you know, to wake up at our usual time to get the baby up, and get her to school. And then he looked at his alarm, and he added an extra three minutes. And I looked at it and I was like, you know, three minutes because like I woke up when he woke up but not all the way because I was like I’m just gonna keep sleeping. And he added an extra three minutes and I kind of looked at him and he looks at me and he smiles. And then he holds me you know, and I realized he added an extra three minutes just to cuddle, just to cuddle for a few minutes because he was going to leave me there and then he was going to go about his day so it was like kind of you know, we’re up and I’m just gonna get in a couple more hugs before I go.

And it was super sweet you know, it’s one of its I’m really blessed to have a million of those moments you know throughout my day with him where I’m so grateful to have a partner who is so intentional about time with me but after you know that three minute alarm went off and he got up and you know started putting on his gym clothes and you know went out and I heard him saying to you know ally Hey kid, you ready for the day? This is going to be your best week. You know, like what do you have for breakfast like I hear all this you know happening. I’m laying in the bed. And I want to be clear it wasn’t guilt and I want all you mamas out there and you know, anyone out there who hears your partner kind of going off on their day, maybe they’re an early riser, maybe they’re a go getter, you know, and you are laying there and taking your moment, I do not want you to feel guilty about that, even, especially if you’re listening to this while taking your moment, you know, but I do want to let you know where I was today.

I’ve done this for months, for months, you know, he’s been the point person in the morning with helping, you know, with Ally and I often will have late nights working. So that’s very kind of him. 

But today, I just felt like, I don’t want to waste any time. And the way that I can explain that to you, and I hope you can understand is that I don’t want to go to the gym with him. Right? Like he is like, hardcore work or out or he’s like, you know, his whole family has been fit. Like, it’s our whole thing. And I just, it’s just not my ministry, I like going to the gym. No, that’s still a lie. That whole sentence doesn’t make sense. I understand the merits of working out, right. And I appreciate getting my fitness in in different ways. I’m an activity girl, you know, not a gym girl. But the thing that struck me that morning when I was laying there, when he put those extra three minutes on the clock, just to get three more minutes with me, was what would I be willing to do to just get a few more minutes with my family? And what excuses am I making that are not reasons, but are actual excuses, that are keeping me away from getting in all the time that I have because life is fleeting?

And it was in that moment that I said, you know, where can I fit in more time? After spending a decade in a relationship that was one where it felt highly functional, but it didn’t feel fruitful. And a relationship where it definitely felt like a partnership. Where it was about getting things done as much as possible, you know, and it only really wasn’t working its best when the partnership was deeply out of sync, you know, and the weight did not feel evenly distributed. But now I’m in this thing where I’m with someone where I want to see them all the time. And I have this kid who’s growing up in my home. And for those of you who’ve seen glimpses of Ally on Instagram, she’s just this incredible girl, like I can tell that I’m in this really sweet window before she starts hating me, you know, called teenager, you know, and I, I just don’t want to waste any time.

And I know that we use the word waste, and sometimes that adds pressure and guilt, you know, and removes grace. But when I say waste, I mean, how much effort does it really take me to just get up when everyone else is already up to just get in a little of that extra time. And what does that mean in the tiny way for a small thing I can do towards the things I can control to make me better and make my life better. And it was then that I got up and you know, I kind of dug through in the dark with my eyes have closed and I grabbed out some gym clothes, and I put them on and I said to myself, you know what, every day that he goes to the gym, I’m gonna go with him and not because we’re going to work out together trust, we will not be working out together, I will be walking on my treadmill listening to my sermons, my podcasts, and you know, my content, that’s what I will be doing. Walking as slowly as I want to on that treadmill, you know, just because I’m there, you know.

But what I really want is I want the drive to school with him and my baby. And even if that’s only 10 minutes, that’s what I want, you know, and that I want that drive to the gym with him, you know, and even if that’s only 10 minutes, you know, I want that. And the thing that occurred to me was that at the end of that week, I’m getting an extra hour of time with my baby, I’m getting an extra hour you know, with Alex, I’m getting an extra I think two if you consider the round trip and over the month that’s almost an extra half day. And over the years, you know, that’s gonna be weeks. And I just couldn’t imagine looking back at this time and not saying to myself that I was grateful for that.

And so where this translates into everything that I’m trying to do right now is that I do feel a lot of fear, you know, about the future. I get fearful about whether or not my book is going to be really successful. I poured my heart into writing this book that is coming out in October. And it’ll be available for pre-sale very soon. If you do some digging, you probably can find it now, you know, but in this book, I’m revealing things about myself, and about my family, and about our journey that I’ve never discussed anywhere. And I’m very aware that, you know, people write reviews on Amazon, and they can be scathing, you know, and I’m aware that people can absolutely love what you do, and never pick up a copy of your book.

And I’m more worried about people not actually reading the book than just buying it, you know, because I’ve spent four years meticulously looking back at every moment, every journey, every step that I’ve taken, and trying to extract the lessons in the hardship, so that other people don’t have to do it. And I think that if you listen to our chats here, and you’ve ever watched my content before, and you’ve ever said to yourself, gosh, we have a lot of similarities or, you know, man, Nicole’s really like me here, I want you to understand that I love that we have similarities in the way we eat cheese and shop at Target, you know, but I don’t want us to have similarities and our pain and our hardship, if I’ve gone through it, you don’t have to. And that’s what this book is about. But in writing all this, it’s so vulnerable. And I put myself out there and it’s scary.

It’s really, really scary. And when I get scared, and maybe you’re like this, too, when I get fearful, I make excuses. And those excuses are things like I’m tired, and I deserve to sleep in and I need to stay in bed. And you know, it’s okay, because I deserve help. And you know, someone should take care of these things. And I want to let you know that in the languaging, and you’ve heard me talk about it, like you deserve this break, and you deserve the ease and you deserve all of that. But I really want you to examine if the reason why you’re taking these breaks and taking this time if it’s an excuse, or a reason. And I mean, I’m telling you this comes up all the time people ask me all the time about this Nicolle, like, how do I know if I’m making an excuse to not do the work? Or how do I know if it’s with good reason. And I want to tell you the primary difference that I’ve learned and how it applies to my life. When you’re making an excuse, you’re just stating the problem, you’re stating your involvement, you might even be stating like what you’re doing wrong and doing that really transparently. But you’re not stating any action item to fix it. A reason is, hey, this thing has occurred. But it’s usually followed with, this is what I did to repair it to fix it or to make sure it didn’t occur again. And I really want to eliminate excuses, you know, I really want to eliminate saying to myself, it’s okay for me to miss out on time, or to miss out on money, you know, or to miss out on an opportunity or to miss out on growth.

Because I’m just too scared, or I’m too tired, or I’m too lazy, or I’m too distracted. I just want to have reasons. And so there was a reason for why I used to sleep all the time but you know, the reason just isn’t good enough. And there’s an excuse for why I’m scared to not put out my book and I’m worried about what people will say and I’m nervous about the outcome. I can’t tell you like the fear the way that I lose sleep over how scared I am about the response to this book, only because it’s just it truly is so deeply vulnerable. There’s things in there, I have never told a soul. My editor and the few people who have had the opportunity to read it, my sister and people close to me, have just been blown away by one, what I’ve managed to build and what I’ve done, you know, with my family and myself, despite some of the things I’ve had to carry, but two, just like chat with you all here, you know just how important it is to be transparent about some of these things. So that when we’re trying to make decisions ourselves, we’re also being inspired and making decisions by listening to the people that we should be listening to.

And it’s scary to think that maybe after reading this book, you may think I’m not someone you should listen to anymore. Because I enjoy our relationship, but that’s not a good reason. It’s a heck of an excuse. And so I’m putting out the book anyways, or I’ve written and put out the book, you know, and it’ll be in your hands and it’ll be something you read and you know, I’m going to be committing everything I can. There’s something really special about the book writing process where you put all this effort at the forefront and it’s very different from social media where everything’s kind of instantaneous, right? You do a post and within seconds you can find out if people like it or if they have thoughts on it or if they think it’s funny. Same thing with a text message, you put out your thoughts, you wait for a response to even get those three lovely dots that let you know one is on the way.

But when you’re writing a book, you will spend years of your life being the most vulnerable and raw and at times reckless. When I tell you, I’ve gone back and edited so many times, because there are just things there where I’m like, you know, in the season I was in that languaging felt appropriate. But you know, now that I’ve evolved, that’s not what needs to come out. And you do all of this on the forefront, not knowing what the outcome will be. And then the time comes where the outcome shows up, and it’s great or it’s nothing, you know, or it’s completely not what you expect, or it’s exactly what you expect, but maybe you aren’t ready for.

I mean, you truly just do not know what is going to happen. And I wish I could say that it was more formulaic. You know, there are some things and there are some ways that people do make it pretty formulaic where it’s like, oh, well, if you write this thing, then you’ll get this. But I didn’t write an easy book, I could have written a business book that would have said, first do this and make your money this and do this. But everybody does that, you know, and I’m not too scared to tell the truth. That’s a lie. That’s a lie. I am terrified about telling the truth. That is the truth.

But I’m not too scared to do it afraid. And that’s because I really want to eliminate excuses for my life. And so friend, when I woke up today, and I heard my family kind of moving forward and doing things and going through this routine, I realized that it was something I wanted to be a part of, and that there weren’t enough, you know, excuses, you know, or reasons why I shouldn’t be and if the one thing that I know that I want to capture in this season of my life, which you know, it’d be nice to be a New York Times bestseller, and it’d be nice to exceed my financial goals and really build an inheritance and a legacy for my kids. Because hey, nobody else coming to save them but Mama, you know, and really started a chapter with my partner, you know, Alex, with more babies, and, you know, just doing all these incredible things. I gotta be prepared to tackle in a daily, momentary even, actionable way, the decisions that will propel me forward.

And so I say to your friend, even though we’ve talked about goals, we talked about the big picture, and we talk about grace. Maybe it’s just looking at the next right thing. So like today, you know, I woke up this morning, and I went to the gym, I feel good about that. And Alex was like, oh, you know, this is great. So for a start, I can’t wait for tomorrow. And I was like, you know, I don’t know about tomorrow. Like, I don’t know, I don’t know what tomorrow is gonna give. But what I can say is I feel good about right now. And then I said, you know, I’m always late to record my podcast, let me try to get in earlier. So I was like, I’m going to leave earlier, that’s what I’m going to do. And then I was like, I need to put in some good time in my office. So that’s what I’m going to do this afternoon, I’m going to put in some good time, and I have some targeted things and emails that I want to get out then. And so I’m going to do that too.

You know, and if I can make the most of every moment of today, imperfectly, you know, because as I’m sure you’ll know Mama, the kid will throw up or you’ll end up going to switch overload and discovering orange crayon in the dryer. If anyone knows how to get orange crayon out of the dryer, please send me a DM. But you’ll just like you know, things will happen. But I just figure if I am making the most of each moment along the way, at least until something crazy happens, doesn’t that mean that I’ve made the most of the day and ultimately my life and that’s what I’m trying to do?

You know, so things are still gonna come up and things are still gonna get in the way, I’m still going to get distracted and I’m still going to miss the mark. Some days are going to feel harder than they should, you know and other days are going to feel like wild successes, but it’s my hope that you’ll see me and hopefully you’ll join me just getting better moment by moment. And we can celebrate each other’s wins. So when you know that book comes out and you see it you understand how I’m really feeling inside, more so than people who don’t listen to our chats here. Because it’s us you know, you’ll know that this girl is nervous.

But you know that I’m still doing it, and that you can still do it. And so friend, let’s keep after it. Let’s take this day on, let’s take this moment on. If you had a rough one, and you’re listening to this in the car right now waiting to go into the house, get into the house, just take on the moment. If you’re listening to this on your walk, or your workout, and you’re saying to yourself, I’m wiped, and I don’t know if I can do it. Let’s just get through this moment. If you’re listening to this in transit on the way to work, and you’re saying yourself, I want that promotion, I want to commit to my job, I’d rather just be at home. Let’s just get through today, let’s just get through this moment. Because life is made up of a lot of these and if we really focus on making each one the best that we can, then we are going to live the best life that we can.

Isn’t that what it’s all about? I’m glad that we get to chat like this. And I appreciate how much you let me speak into your life. And I’m excited for what the future holds even though I’m scared about it at times. And I’m thankful that you give me the grace to share all of that with you. So feel free to pop into my DMs over at Instagram, or even on Facebook or on Twitter and just let me know what are you working on? Or what have you discovered?

Because as I take this journey, and I find that I’m having a lot of success in focusing on the moment, I’m really interested to hear how it’s working for you because maybe there’s something to learn. Life’s always going to give us another excuse, another reason, another distraction and it’s all in how we show up. So I’m excited to show up with you.