Season 4, Episode 4: Showing up on EMPTY!

Season 4, Episode 4

Nicole:

Friends, we have been having the best chats in season four. When I said unfiltered, when I said, we’re gonna get right to it, I mean it and the same thing is gonna happen here today.

I want to talk about, you know, first, honestly, how I’ve been showing up halfway in some spaces, and I want to talk to you and hopefully, you know, inspire and push and encourage and give you tools to stop doing it yourself. You know, one, I do want to, obviously start with grace. A lot of us have been showing up part way in certain spaces, because we’re just exhausted. Not only is it the end of the year, but life demands a lot of us. And if you listen to, you know, one of our earlier episodes this season where I talked about, you know, having entitled people around you and being a chronic fixer and emphasizing your boundaries, you know, all these things are taxing to us, and they cause a lot of drain. But I have to let you know, one of the byproducts of that is that we go into spaces, and we are less than our best selves.

So one of the things that I’ve been working on, is that my chronic lateness, you know, if you already know me, or if you’ve been around me, you know, I am chronically late. And, you know, I will explain the sort of the why of why I’m late. But it certainly is an excuse and one of the things I’ve really learned is that whether there’s a reason for it, or an excuse for it, or, you know, some sort of validation for the behavior, you’re still responsible to change it, right? And not being late is something I’m actively working on in 2024.

Now, I realized that the reason why I was late to or am late, you know, often to so many things that I have improved tremendously, is because I overschedule myself. I mean, literally, I see the symptom of so many other behaviors: wanting to do so much and be so much and help and over committing and being overly generous. And also allowing people to push my boundaries, which happens on calls, I let people go 10 minutes too late, or I get them out of my office a little late, all of those things, you know, all of that is a byproduct of me learning to be a reformed people pleaser and learning to protect my energy. But the manifestation of that for the longest time was that I was late all the time, whether it was 10 minutes, 15 minutes an hour 30 or having to cancel because I just was not going to pull it through, you know, getting out of the door was so difficult because I was just living life booked! Meeting to meeting, it was just overwhelming. And what I found, you know, and what you may find when you are entering spaces where you have to perform, whether it’s work, parenting, you know, even a relationship or a date is that when you arrive, you’re less than your best self and a lot of that has to do with the preparation or the boundaries or expectations that you had room you were to be ready for.

And so what I found, especially with the lateness and showing up on time, is that I have to say to myself, it’s more important that I’m on time, you know, than it is that I’m perfect. And that’s been a really hard thing for me to admit because I always thought well, wouldn’t they prefer, you know, they meaning the meeting, the opportunity, the person that whatever, that I show up, looking my best and, you know, maybe having the gift perfectly wrapped or, you know, showing up with whatever, you know, I was always worried that that would be seen as worse, if you will, than me, you know, showing up late, but the truth is, me arriving is enough, right?

And when you start to recognize that your presence, your knowledge, your gifting is the primary thing and it’s sufficient, it really does help with stripping away some of the worry and the concern about showing up in the perfect way.

Now, I say all of this to say that I talked about this in my book, I have a chapter, hapter four where I talk about showing up as if the room is a stadium. And when I wrote that chapter, you know, the story that I referenced in there, and if you’ve read it, you already know about this. But one of the things I referenced in there is, you know, in building my business, a lot of my success came from the way that I served. And I say all of this, because full circle, right, I’ve had to reform the way that I serve, in order to sustain and I want you to know that, you know, for those who who are cringing right now, at the idea of, oh my gosh, I’m going to have to show up to this big thing and be less than perfect. Oh, goodness, what if it’s not successful, perfection paralysis, right? You know, I want to let you know, full circle, I want to affirm to you that it’s working. I’m doing less than getting more, you know, people are happy, yada, yada, yada.

So I’m taking you to the end to give you a little bit of ease, but letting you know that for a long time I operated under, you know, anytime I would show up, anytime I was in any room, anytime I would go anywhere, nothing was more important to me than making sure I performed as if I was Beyonce in a stadium.

And the way that I defined that was by leaving all of me on the floor. And I don’t know how many of you have heard that statement or that phrasing before, like, leave it all on the court, leave it all on the field, you know, leave it all on the board room, get out there and give, give, give, give give until you have nothing left. And that’s typically coupled with that is how you win. And even more. So it’s coupled with, if you do that, that is how you know and can sleep at night, no matter the outcome.

Now, I know some of you right now are like yeah, like that is what it is. And you know, I talked about it in the book, and I kind of want to sort of double down but clarify, right? And what I was referencing in the book, and if you’ve read it, you understand, but I want to call out for you here is, in that languaging I really feel like it can be harmful, especially if you don’t understand how to do it in practice. And even worse, if you’re the type of person who already has an inclination or propensity or habit of being an over the top giver and doing the entire most, someone telling you that it is appropriate for you to give until you have nothing left and that is the only way to assure that you’re going to feel good enough about what you did, is so detrimental to your well being. And easily is the type of language that I think, at least for me, you know, instantly indicates that this is not healthy, you know that this is not well.

We should never be asking everyone to give their last to anyone. And, you know, using, you know, being totally raw and honest about it, you know, I think about my divorce, you know, anyone who’s been through a divorce or a breakup, you know, will easily say, Yeah, you know, I just wanted to make sure I had nothing left. You know, that’s common languaging, or I just wanna make sure I did everything. And I want to be able to rest my head at night and say that, you know, I did everything. And, you know, I’ve echoed that as well. And I do feel like I did all that I could, you know, but I would be completely and entirely lying if I said that I didn’t leave with just a little bit left in me.

And I know, some people are gonna hear that and feel the way that they feel about it but I’m okay with it. You know, and, and when I say that I had a little left. And I want to offer that clarification because I think it’s important because I want you to understand the context of what it looks like to really show up as if the room is a stadium and give it your all, leave your all on the field, but also have a little bit left and still be okay with it. What I’m referring to is, I left with something for me. I don’t have to give, and you don’t have to give, all of yourself and all that you are to your work to your children, to your spouse, to your family, to your friends. You are not responsible to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. And that mindset, that concept that not only should you do that, but that is what’s required so that you can feel good at night, I just want to ask you, friend… So many of you are doing this already. You’re already giving all of yourself to every place that you are, you’re doing all the things all the time for all the people. How do you feel? Do you feel rested? Do you feel like there’s an end in sight to this behavior? Do you feel like you’re improved? Do you feel like you’re getting back a fraction of what you’re putting out in all those spaces where you’re showing up that way?

If you are saying to yourself that’s not the case, I want to let you know that you can decide today to reserve a little bit for yourself. And that there’s nothing wrong with that. Because understand that if at any point in time, those spaces, those stadiums don’t get filled, or those people don’t return the efforts, you and you know, by extension, as a mother, in particular, your babies are going to need you to get back to the top. And when I tell you, I gave my marriage, and the divorce product, by extension, a lot of people don’t talk about how much that takes out of you, after dealing with the process of a breakup, I gave it everything I had, except what I needed to continue. And I’m proud of myself for doing that. And the reason I’m proud of myself for doing that is I had clients in town this week. I run a small, I think the commonly understood phrase is mastermind. But, you know, I really considered a group of… a collective, you know, group of women who are seeking to have proper corporate consultative business support, but really do it in a space that is safe and healthy and balanced between, let’s push ourselves to be OUT best, but also recognize that’s going to vary in the world, right?

So I had these women and you know, we’re all in LA, and we get into the boardroom, we do the work, but we also have great communal fellowship. And, you know, it was so interesting because I started off our session by saying, y’all, I’m in my bag right now. And I gotta tell you, I’m not even sure if I know what that means. It’s what the kids say, right? I’m in my bag. And I’m pretty sure it means, you know, for the cooler people out there who already know and are like, Girl, Nicole, stop, you know. But for those of you who don’t know what that means, it basically means, you know, I’m like, in my season, like I’m in my work, like I’m showing up so, so well in so many spaces. But after I said that to them, I defined what that meant for me, right? Because so many people hear in your bag, and they mean like, Oh, you’re making tons of money, you’re super fit, you’re like getting all the opportunities, you’re crushing it, yada, yada. And yeah, some of that is definitely true. And I’m grateful thank you, Lord, more please, right?

But “in my bag” means I am affirming my boundaries, I have a healthy relationship where we are having regular conversations and growing together, my children are thriving, they are expressing themselves and using their voice. I am confident about who I am and where I am, and where I’m going. I feel proud of my relationships, and that I’m showing up in them as my most honest self, and I am doing excellent work and helping my clients and they are actively getting results based on the work that they’re doing with the direction and guidance of me. I am in my bag.

And understand that there are times where my bank account looked different. My material goods looked different, my marital status looked different. And other people would have said I was in my bag, and I wasn’t.

And when I tell you, recognizing what it looks like, and defining for yourself what it looks like to show up your best but not in exhaustion is the place, it’s the thing, it’s the task, it’s the work, it’s the most important thing you can do going into 2024.

We chatted a couple of weeks back about you know, how everyone, especially in this season, is going to try to tell you what you’re missing, what you lack, what you don’t have, and what and then try to sell you what you need to fill that gap. And you know, as we’re kind of winding down and stepping into the new year, I’ve been having this conversation with a lot of my, you know, client’s about resolutions and resolving to fix something in you that is not right. And I just want to extend to you what I’m extending to them and what I’ve adopted for myself. You know, if nothing’s missing, and nothing is broken, and if all that I have to work with going into 2024 is what’s in front of me, in order to optimize and be better and to grow and I’m not resolving to change anything because nothing about me is wrong or broken, you know, it’s just growing and evolving, well then what would I do differently? What would I do with what’s in front of me?

So instead of saying to yourself, I’m looking externally at what I need to add: a gym membership, a new planner. If you can’t do or get or be or gather a single thing, if you had to live in your body that you have right now at the weight that it is, right, for another year and just say hey, this is where I am and this is who I am. And I have to love myself in this season, while still showing up, right, to that stadium and being great at doing incredible work and serving well, what do I need? And how can I use those things around me in order to do so.

And just as an example of that, you know, if I weren’t able to have a single thing but needed to show up every day for my clients and do the work and make it to the office and be on time, what do I need? I need to affirm my boundaries. I need to communicate well with my partner and my children around what my capabilities are and where I need help. And when I tell you, those are things that I have the ability to use and exercise right now you have so much in front of you right now. And the world has tried to convince you that the thing that’s going to get you ahead is missing, and that you don’t aren’t even worthy of that stadium, you aren’t worthy of the applause if you don’t show up and expend all of yourself, and I just want you to turn inwards, to look immediately around you and say what do I have to get what I need, without giving all that I’ve got, and and know that there’s so much enoughness that resides in that.

I look at kind of what the holiday seasons have been bringing, and this past month, I thought it would be a lot slower, right? There’s this conception that we start to slow down as we wind out the year. But I’m sure you feel the same way. It’s still been crazy. I don’t feel like I’ve had any slow up kind of like summer break, where you’re like, hey, if you’re meant to summer, it’s like, no, like, turn up the kids are here, right? And, you know, I’ve had clients in town, I was in Miami for Art Basel, and I hosted a dinner there where I got to meet so many of you in person, which was really beautiful. And just so you know, if you just look out on the Nicole Walters website and keep up with me on social, I’ll be coming out to, I think San Francisco might be next on the list, and we’ve got Chicago on deck and just hosting really small dinners, you know, 15 or so people. It’s not like a bajillion trillion dollars, literally, we’re, you know, I’m not getting paid for them, we just sit down and hang out, you know, and it’s been really meaningful. So just keep an eye out, if you want to come to one of those dinners and want to hang with, you know, with me and some of your besties for a couple hours. But, you know, I’ve been darting around, you know, the country having these dinners, and I thought it would be quieter this season. It just isn’t. And on top of that, you know, I’ve been making sure I’m catching up on my chats here with you and I’ve been in my office kind of closing out some projects I’m working on for TV and media. And, you know, I’ve also been making time to see friends and gift shopping and all these things and I say all this to say that, you know, I am not this is hard to say out loud, but again, real, unfiltered, whatever, you know, my little one, Puffin, was like, she said this thing this past week that really kind of like, hit me up my core and it was like a little mommy check if you will. And I’m proud of her for using her voice. And I’m proud that we fostered a home where she feels comfortable saying this, but she was like, Oh, Mom, are you staying out again tonight? You know, I don’t mean staying out like partying. But you know, like, I’ll be working late tonight. And I was like, Yeah, you know, I’m gonna be at the office till seven, which means I’ll be home by bedtime, you know, but in the home and time to give you your hug, and then you got to go to bed, you know? And she was like, Oh, well, do you think I can stay up late, then maybe? And, you know, kids won’t always say exactly what’s going on and you know, I’m also that type of mom, maybe I’m reading a smidge too much into it, because I do worry. And I always want to do my best, you know, Mom duty for her. But, you know, I picked up that maybe I’d, you know, shown up just at bedtime or a few minutes before and we weren’t getting as much of our recap time in the past, like maybe two weeks or so. And I knew an adjustment needed to be made, you know, and what was interesting was me of three years ago, would have beat myself up because I wasn’t showing up in my parenting, you know, as if it’s a stadium, even if it’s just one little baby, you know, what I mean? versus my three girls and my big old house and all that, you know, I was like, Oh my gosh, I’m not giving my all to her.

And what was interesting was, yes, that moment, kind of like, shook me a little bit, because I was like, Oh, I’m getting out of balance, I’m getting out of balance. But then I said to myself, girl, grace, okay? Because one, you didn’t give your all to any one of the other places you were in, which means that you have some to give here. And because if we’re going to have to double duty double dose this one, just to make sure she feels a little bonus love. But this is normal because every place you’ve been in has been necessary, worthy and relevant, you know, Mom has been bringing home the paychecks to make sure that we can pay for summer camp and private school and activities because you know, 12 going on 13 going on 15, you know, all of y’all know there’s so much that they’re doing and aside from that, you know, I’ve been performing really, really well. Like I said, I’m in my bag, you know, like really, really well in all of these spaces, you know, which means that you’re probably going to get a little off kilter and other ones and that’s what I mean when I say it’s so important to save just a wee bit because you may have to pour some bonus in an area and sometimes that area is you and it’s important that you have that little bit left, so you can apply it.

So friend, just and I’m hoping some of you’re watching this on YouTube, because I know that, if you don’t know, we are recording all of these for the full chat is on YouTube. And we’ve had such great feedback where everyone says that, you know, being able to look each other in the eye and kind of sit across from each other, that these shots really are feeling like two friends sitting now with coffee, and it just makes me so happy because I do love this time with you but I just want to know, if you’re sitting and you’re seeing my face and this, I really hope you’re hearing and feeling my heart in what is possible, what is possible when you are really leaning into who you are without asking yourself what you lack.

And more than anything, I know that we’re goal driven people. I know that we have a lot on our minds around what we want to be and how we want to show up and we do want to be in that room shining, you know, we do want our name on the board with a gold star sticker next to it. And we do want our kids to say that we’re good moms, and we do want, you know, our partners to say that we’re good wives, and all of that is a beautiful thing but I want to encourage and empower you to know that part of being bold, is starting that definition of what is good enough by writing it yourself and recognizing that that is how you want to show up in the room because it’s not sustainable. You know, if Beyonce got in front of the crowd every day, doing a full on gymnastics routine, you know, and she’s like, I’m no gymnast, you know, like, after a while she’s gonna burn out or break something. And, you know, she really had to figure out the parameter of what empowers me to be a mom, still be a business owner, deliver a show that’s gonna, you know, have people dropping their jaws, but you know, allow me to still be able to get up and do a second night. So believe it or not all of us felt I say all of us, right? Anyone who’s seen the movie, or watch the show, all of us felt like we got her all on the night that we went. But I want to tell you, the big aha moment that I’m hoping you’re resonating with here is we did not, because if we got her all she couldn’t do it again. And the same thing applies to each of us.

As we get into this world and accomplish our goals, we need to recognize that we are permitted to reserve something for ourselves so that we can continue to show up tomorrow. And even better, as we’re starting to define things for the coming year, I want you to make sure that you are doing that definition for yourself and that the big bold life that you are stepping into and that you greatly deserve is one that you know you can show up in consistently, sustainably, and completely.

The stadium is yours for the taking and it’s yours for the keeping. Make sure that you have a plan in place so that you’re giving the show of your life and not paying for it with your life.

Friend, I’m so grateful that we get to share stories here and I’m so grateful that we get to grow together.

Hop in my DMs and let’s talk about how we’re doing the work.