From Surviving to Thriving
Friend, we are getting in to it in this episode! From how to go from surviving to thriving, to discussing some Real Housewives drama, to a lesson on confidently making moves in your life, this episode is a chat you won’t want to miss!
If you’ve been functioning on autopilot lately, you are not alone. Today I want to give you three steps to getting out of that survival mindset so you can be present and thrive in your daily moments. All of this ties into the second half of our chat where we’re talking about how to know when to make moves in your life and when to stay where you are.
Thank you for being here friend! Continue sending me your questions either through the DMs or by recording me a message HERE. Talk to you soon friend!
Nicole:
Hey friend, I am thrilled for us to chat again this week. We have got some big things to talk about, not just with what’s happening in the world. But a lot of you have reached out to me saying that you’re going through transitional seasons of your own, whether it is in your work, or your relationships or your parenting. And I’ve got some really good stuff for you today that we’re going to use to help us move forward.
But before all of that, I wanted you to know how much I have enjoyed hearing from you. You guys have been leaving me the best voice messages with the most interesting questions. And it’s just been so much fun every single week to come back and give you the answers based on what I’ve got. So keep those messages coming, you can find a way to leave me a message in our show notes right below. And of course, you can always slide into my DMs anywhere on the internet @NicoleWalters, I love to hear from you. So keep it coming.
This week’s message comes from Diane:
Hey Nicole, I hope all is well your way. I know you recently shared your heart and your current season of life and the things that you are going through. And I just want you to know that I can probably speak on behalf of everyone that we collectively as a group are rooting you on are cheering and praying for you and truly hope that the Lord continues to work in the way that He knows best. You are loved. And we value our friendship through social media, even if we’ve never met in person. And I say we as in us followers, but my question to you is what to do when you are operating on autopilot.
I love y’all. Before I get into Diane’s question, I just want to say, I know that we often feel like the internet is this big mean place where we’re almost seeing the worst of people because everyone wants to be a keyboard soldier. Right? You know, we’re hidden behind this veil of technology and so sometimes the worst of us is what presents itself. And I have to tell you, that hasn’t been my experience. And I’m so grateful for it thus far.
You guys have always been so loving and so supportive. And while I know as we always say, you know, we haven’t met in real life, when we do meet in real life, I mean, it is all like hugs, laughs and high fives and I appreciate that. Because truly and authentically, I wish the best for you. And I know that you guys wish that for me and our littles and it’s just really nice that we get to be real, regular people, or sometimes the internet can feel so strange. So thank you for your sweetest messages, especially from you, Diane, you are so deeply loved. And thank you for that.
Now, to answer your question about operating on autopilot. First and foremost, y’all who isn’t operating on autopilot right now?! It has been bananas, I almost feel like with all the chaos and craziness in the world between pandemia between trying to still like keep things functional for our families. And also, as this world has created sort of shifts within itself. We are all kind of just responding to what the world is giving us which lends itself to an autopilot format. So I just want to affirm not just for you, Diane, but for everyone, that is a really normal and consistent feeling that I hear echoed with many including myself.
So let’s just do the first thing which is, you know, kind of give ourselves a little bit of freedom in knowing that we’re not the only one now, I can break this down into three simple categories. And they’re a combination of not just my own experience, but a lot of what I’ve learned through therapy.
It’s really simple. Write this down if your note taking inclined. Getting out of autopilot breaks down into three things, Grace, space, and getting present. Grace, space and getting present. It is so easy to go through the motions of life and not feel like you’re operating with any intentionality. Now, it is okay for a brief amount of time, especially in response to trauma or chaos, or frankly, just to get through hardship, to operate on autopilot to kind of go through the motions to get by and get along. Frankly, that’s our body’s way of protecting us from fully absorbing some of the seriousness of certain situations, because we really do only want to handle what we can handle.
And I gotta tell you, it’s just a simple example, when my middle baby, who’s now 20, and I just can’t even wrap my head around that. But when she was 17, she was diagnosed with stage four cancer and you can listen back to some of the episodes in season one, where I talk about that journey. And for the mamas who are listening, who are either new to this community, or have been here for a while, but maybe miss that moment. She’s fine, she’s healthy, she’s healed, the cancer has not come back in Jesus name, and never, ever will. But all that being said, you want to talk about an autopilot season, girl, I had one.
It was a season of, let’s make it to the appointments. Let’s believe that God has the final say. Let’s lean in on, you know, hitting our checklist in terms of meds, in terms of health choices, in terms of eating and support. I mean, I had no time to really sit and marinate on any specific moment, because it was about one step after the other. And I know in describing this, a lot of you are nodding your heads in your kitchens, in your cars, while working out, where you’re like exactly girl, it is literally about just sort of feeling like I’m staying ahead of things. That’s what autopilot is. Now, understand. And I think this will really connect for you.
That behavior, that mindset, that sort of processing makes a lot of sense when you’re dealing with difficulty. Where it doesn’t make sense is when you are in a season where you’re really trying to hit goals, when you’re really trying to make certain progress towards things when you’re really trying to shift to a new place or a new level. And where it becomes a problem, and I think Diane, that this is what you were referencing, is when you go from one season into the next without shifting from autopilot.
When you are going through struggle and now you’re meeting these new moments where the struggle kind of is past you, but you’re still in survival mode. And that’s where grace, space, and getting present makes a difference. So in that order, the first part of grace is simply saying to yourself, hey, I needed to be an autopilot. Instead of looking at it like a bad thing instead of beating yourself up because you’re like, what did I even do in this last season? It was a blur. How did I miss things? Give yourself grace, you’ll hear me say it all the time. I don’t even know if we can have a chat and sit down without me mentioning grace. And the reason why I do it all the time is because of who you are.
You’re like me, you have an inclination to be hard on yourself, because you carry so much for so many people. We’re the type of people that always want to be our best. We’re always looking to be more. It’s why we have these chats. It’s why we meet here. We’re not sitting around absorbing the nonsense. We’re here saying how can we improve? How can we show up as our best version of ourselves, but that also lends us to being a little hard on ourselves. So it’s why you always hear me say grace, grace, grace. So if you had to operate an autopilot, which you likely did, give yourself grace for doing what you needed to do mentally to survive and hit your marks during that season. It was allowed.
Now space, space means recognizing that you as an individual require space and peace in order to shift from survival mode into thriving mode, there is no way that you’re going to be able to get from one to the other. If you don’t take a moment to pause, reset and recalibrate where you are. And what does that pause look like? It may look like doing what I love to call a self care sabbatical. It’s taking a day or two, it can be in a local hotel, a local airbnb. Or girl, it could be in your basement with a door lock and some snacks, okay? It’s literally just saying to yourself, I need a couple of days where I can one, mourn, grieve, and really take some time to understand and internalize the season I was just in.
You cannot move into a new season without taking time to acknowledge and reflect on the season prior that lets you extract the lessons. But it also lets you apply closure to the fact that you did have to be in survival mode for a reason. So many of us in dealing and coping with the pandemic have really been in a season where we’re just so eager to move forward, that we haven’t taken time to absorb what has happened to us, what was lost, what changed and celebrate the fact that we survived and we did whatever we needed to do to get past that point to get to where we are today. So taking time in that first bit of space to say look, I did it. And I’m here now and I’m acknowledging that I’m ready to move forward.
Now the second part of that space is the planning. It’s being able to say to yourself, look I’m setting this season of survival behind. I’m moving forward to getting out of autopilot. What is it that I want? Where do I see myself, and what resources and tools do I need to actually get there? That’s the second portion of it. But understand, you can’t do any of that thinking, if you don’t create an environment with a simple moment of quiet and peace to be able to do so. Now, it’s not lost on me, that we have lives, and work, and littles and a million things pulling at us all the time. I want to let you know that you are a necessary priority. You will not be able to serve all these things you’ve committed to if you don’t take the time to prioritize yourself.
So I’m letting you know that this is a worthy endeavor. This is an exercise that is fruitful and meaningful. I need you to take the space to get yourself out of autopilot. So Diane, I hope that really connects with you. Now, the last portion of this and this is critically important. And it kind of ties into that space part is, in order to move forward, you really have to reset and flip the switch on your inside. And it’s called getting present. And this actually comes directly from therapy. And a lot of you may not know this, but it’s a real psychological, neurological thing. We have a tendency to disassociate, whenever we’re going through trauma. Disassociate means kind of checking out. We pull ourselves out of it and while we’re still able to operate in a routine robotic way, mentally, we are not present in that moment, we are not absorbing the full impact of what we’re doing.
Here’s a simple example of how disassociating happens in your everyday life. Have you ever been just leaving work, leaving home, leaving church, leaving the office, and your brain is set on your destination, so you hop in the car, you get to driving, and you may be listening to music, but your brain is just sort of operating thinking about the checklist, think about what to do think about the next step thinking about the destination. And as you’re going you miss your turn, or you blow past the exit, or you forget that you needed to also stop and pick up the dry cleaning or a prescription. That’s what disassociating is. It’s that you are so autopilot, that eventually you just blink and you have arrived where you are and you can’t believe that you missed the exit or the turn or the one or two stops. And you’re like holy cow, I don’t even know how I got here.
I want to let you know that. What we’re always aiming to be as the best version of ourselves is present. Being present in the here and now is the healthiest place to be. You don’t want to live in the past, and you don’t want to live in the future. Because all that really matters is today, today is what you can control, today is what you can operate and grow within. So if you’re spending a lot of time thinking about what happened before, well, I don’t know how much that serves you. Unless you’re doing it briefly to really extract lessons to apply to your future and your present. And if you’re spending a lot of time worrying about what’s to come, well, that doesn’t make much sense, because who knows what’s to come!
All that really matters is staying as present as possible. And there’s some simple things you can do to help you do that. The first one is counting. I know that sounds crazy, but it is a real psychological tool. If you find yourself drifting and spending a lot of time thinking about things that stress you or worrying about the future, count. Counting numbers and thinking in a very methodical way actually helps you get back to the present, talking to yourself within counting and saying, look, I am in Los Angeles, I am in a podcast studio, I am talking to my besties on the internet. I am sitting in front of a microphone, it’s kind of warm in here. I’m wearing a sweatshirt, it’s kind of itchy. When you think of things like that. It reminds you of the here and now and it almost yanks you back into reality. I have to let you know it’s a simple solution that really helps with anxiety about the future. And it also helps with coping with some of the emotional things of the past. It’s not a perfect solution, therapy helps, prayer helps. You gotta have both, right? You need your pastor and a therapist. Amen. But it really does help you in those brief moments when you’re by yourself to get present again and it kind of yanks you out of autopilot mode.
And then the last part is just intentionality, really saying to yourself, Okay, what is my goal in this moment? Not today, not 10 years from now? Not tomorrow. What is my goal in this moment? In this moment, what am I doing? I’m talking to my besties we’re sitting down, we’re having a chat. I’m catching up. I know that our chats are not like some other stuff you listen to. This is really just two friends catching up every week. I love it because it feels like our weekly phone call. Where I’m like girl, let me tell you what happened. This has been so crazy and I have to let you know it’s so meaningful to me that we get to even do this and nothing keeps me more present than being able to check in with my friends weekly.
And I want to let you know that in every moment, I want you to do the same thing. So right now, you can simply take a breath and say, What am I doing right now? I’m sitting with my friend, Nicole. I’m catching up on what’s happened to her this week, and seeing kind of how she’s shaping things for the future. And maybe she’s got one or two good words that I can take away and create a better week for myself. I feel good about it. I know I’m gonna leave here improved. And I’m excited that I get to do this all the time.
Super simple, kind of takes a weight off, and really helps bring you to the moment we’re in and I hope for you, feels really good. So, Diane, as you’re trying to figure out how to shift from survival mode and autopilot into being more present, and engaging in the good life that we have in front of us. Just remember, grace, space, and getting present. You’re doing great. Thanks for reaching out.
So friends, if you are like me, you indulge a little bit in some pop culture stuff. I know, I know, we should always be doing personal development, self help, you know, reading our spiritual edifying positive things that help us grow. But once in a while, I just want to pop on Bravo and watch some trash, okay? Haha, it’s just the truth of it. I need my moment to disconnect. And frankly, watch other people be a hot mess so I can forget my own hot mess. Am I right? So that said, I don’t know about you. But if you are a real housewifer, or if you have been keeping up with some of the latest and the greatest of the shows, there is a behind the scenes thing happening right now with Miss NeNe Leakes. She is one of the stars of the Real Housewives of Atlanta’s franchise. Now, she hasn’t been on the past few seasons. And that is actually the point of contention. So just letting you know, just to keep up with it. Essentially, she, many seasons ago, I want to say two or three parted ways with the Real Housewives of Atlanta brand. And essentially, that was initially announced as a mutual parting. Meaning she said, I’ve kind of closed this chapter of filming of my life and the network said, thanks so much, please be on your way. We’re doing our separate thing.
But very soon thereafter, and when I say soon, I mean, within weeks, it escalated into, they asked me to leave, I didn’t want to be here. We could not agree on contracts. And the network said, Okay, well I cosign that as well. We could not agree on contracts. But again, it’s a mutual parting. You know, we’re separating. And then within a couple of weeks, another version came out, you know, where both parties were. At this point, actually, I think the network really wasn’t commenting anymore. But NeNe Leakes, the character on the show, I say, character, she’s playing herself, but you know, the character on the show, because lord knows reality TV ain’t real. You know, she was stating that 100%, she was asked to leave it was contentious and negative, that there were negative experiences and she started really relaying a lot of the challenges that she’s felt in dealing with the network and with the brand over the, I think it’s honestly been 10 plus years that she’s been working with them. So really a decade of filming and working with the network and just the highs and lows and some things that she said are actually quite salacious and maybe a little scandalous and discriminatory.
So all of that being said, it did not result in her being reinstated to the show. It also did not result in the network making any real statement outside of you know, she’s no longer going to be welcome. And all of this played out over the course of a couple of months. And, frankly, I will say that it became pretty clear between the blogs and the, you know, outlets, that NeNe Leakes was being painted as being someone very difficult to work with. And, you know, she had a lot to say, Now, as you know, and don’t make yourself content, I am not sitting here trying to judge who is right and wrong, because I just do not like playing jury when I know for a fact having been on both sides of the camera, I have created my own content and I’ve also been filmed for content with my TV show on USA Network.
So I know what it’s like to have your brand portrayed the best it can be and I also know what it’s like when things are inaccurate. So I try not to get into the judgment because I understand it. But what I will tell you is that we always use this time to talk about what can we learn as everyday people from these experiences. Now, the first thing I want to let you know is right now this is still ongoing. So we’re talking years after a parting of ways there’s still conversation being made as NeNe has now brought a lawsuit against the network saying that there has been racism and discrimination and and it has drastically affected her ability to make income and continue to work in her field of media and entertainment.
And we haven’t heard much from the network, which doesn’t surprise me, because that’s probably a legal move. But we’re gonna see this continue to play out over the coming months, you know, as the legal proceedings move forward. But what does that mean for us? Well, the first thing, I think that we can learn from this because she, you know, Nene claim she has been sort of blacklisted from working anywhere now is, you may be right. In a certain situation, I think all of us have been in situations where we felt like we had been wronged. And we actually had to keep it private, because of the fact that it may affect our ability to work in the future.
I know that being in LA, there’s nothing I’ve learned more than how small this city is. Everyone has worked with everyone. I mean, you all I could tell you, and I probably will at some point, some stories of how I have been on set. And I have had people tiptoe around me. It’s actually kind of funny when I think of it because whenever I’m booked to work anything, I mean, y’all know me, but a lot of the people who come and work with me may be working with me for the first time. And when I say that people I mean like makeup artist or production assistants, production assistants are people who may just sort of their extra hands on set. So their job is to maybe if you have a need kind of meet that need, would you like a sandwich? Would you like some water? Where’s your hat, you know, like, whatever.
And you all it is precious, because these are all babies, they’re like in their early 20s. And they are just so excited to be being in the industry. And they really want to make sure they don’t do anything wrong because they don’t want to get fired. So it’s crazy, because people will tiptoe around you. And y’all know that I am probably the most regular like, I mean, literally I have been chastised on set by my manager and agent because I’m like, oh, yeah, no, I just wanted to make sure everyone had food so I was cleaning it up behind me. And they’re like Nicole did listen, I know you’re from this. I know you’re old school, you do not need to clean up here, you do not need to sweep. You do not need to stay and help fold stuff. And I’m like, Oh, but I got hands.
And these production assistants are like, I mean, no joke. If I say Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t even mention that I wanted like sparkling water instead of cold water, or just do you guys have sparkling water? They’re like, I am so sorry that I did not bring your sparkling water. I will find that for you. And I’m like, Oh girl, if you don’t have it, it’s fine. Like, I just was curious if you had it because it seems like you have a lot of options. But if you don’t like I can drink regular water. They will literally be like sweating bullets and in tears because he don’t want to make the talent mad. So I want to let you know that this is literally how it is out here. And it’s because of the fact that they never know if you may be the person who books their next gig or they never know if you’re going to be the person who eventually is going to be the crazy pants superstar that could change their life.
So they’re always like really careful about who they work with. And the reason this relates, I think to all of us is we really have to be careful about how we treat our relationships, whether it’s in work or in church, or in school, or whatever, because you never know who somebody is going to be. And if nothing else, we all have value and worth in this world. And I think a lot of this is something that we may forget as we start to ascend through the ranks, and we start to be elevated in our status. Now I’ve always been one where I’m like, God blessed me with a platform and Lord knows he could take it tomorrow. So you better believe that I’m going to treat with humility and grace, this opportunity I have to show up in any room. Because you know, as soon as I start acting all big and fancy pants, God is gonna sit my butt right at home.
So I will always be wide eyed and surprised and grateful to get a chance to even be anywhere. But with that the people who get to be in the room with me as much as they may look at me and say oh, that Nicole might be the next fancy pants whoever, look that production assistant could be the next person who has a super duper platform that I’m hoping to get on. Because that’s really how the world works. You never know who’s going to be elevated. And I think and this is just my perspective, and I think you guys may relate a little bit too but I think Miss Nene may have forgotten a little bit of that.
And she may not realize that even if she may be right, and y’all understand discrimination, racism, all of that is very real, particularly in the entertainment world. There is a lot of ickiness out here that is long standing and has been around for years and is not being routed out, it is well understood. And I think that there could very well be some legitimacy to the experiences that NeNe had, because people’s feelings are valid, and they’re usually rooted in something. So I don’t want to take away from her claims and her experience. But you better believe that even if you may be right, how you responded to things, how you may have treated people while you were there, that may be a factor in why you’ve been blacklisted.
So when you felt that you were wronged in choosing to not handle that, as she’s handling it now, which really is more professional press releases, it’s more professional legal moves, things of that sort, instead of just kind of going to the media and going live on the internet and getting on social and sort of being insistent on getting the world in your favor, rather than doing things in a methodical way. Well, that may be part of why other people don’t want to work with you. You know, it’s because you may have chosen to share your grievances, share the things that make you upset in a fashion that made people not interested in continuing to work with you, because they’re like, look like, we know, we’re gonna get things wrong.
And I think that’s what a lot of us forget, everybody knows they’re gonna mess up. It’s how is this person going to react when I do. I tell my team all the time, you know, because I run a company inherit learning company, and we have, you know, 16 employees at headquarters in Atlanta, you know, I’m a CEO and a boss of that. So I’ve got people every single day that are working with me and working with my clients. And I gotta tell you, I know they’re going to make mistakes, the thing that we always talk about are reversible and irreversible decisions.
If you make a mistake around something that is irreversible, and you chose not to ask and use your resources, you didn’t want to get any approvals. You just kind of move forward with that, then yeah, you can probably expect that there’ll be a response, not just from me, but from HR, things of that sort. But it’ll always be respectful and maintaining the dignity that you deserve.
Now, a reversible decision? Well, if you make a mistake around something like you’re scheduled the Zoom call wrong, or you may be sent something in the mail that didn’t need to go there and we’re able to fix it, well, look, nobody’s gonna fly off the handle or lose their head about that. Because ultimately, we are bound to make mistakes. So being able to approach your work life or your parenting or your relationships, keeping that in mind, is this something that’s really a battle that’s worth fighting? Well, that matters.
And I think in Hollywood, a lot of times you see people who are flying off the handle about something like their outfit, or their shoes, or their makeup, or their, you know, green room or their and if you guys a green room is like your dressing room, or you know whether their water is sparkling or flat, you know, and they’re treating it like an irreversible decision. And that’s where people start really saying, Gosh, if I have a choice of all the people in the world to work with, do I want to work with them again? Probably not. How you respond is everything.
And then of course, there’s a big difference. And I think this the big one that we’re all learning right now, in this sort of internet world, there’s a big difference between public accountability and private resolution, public accountability over private resolution. Now, it doesn’t mean that in order to get to a solution, we don’t need a little bit of both, but my word, our quickness, to run to screaming for public accountability, meaning I want an apology, I want an acknowledgement, I want you to lay on the altar of forgiveness in front of the masses, in order for me to feel like my emotions are rectified and validated. Oh, goodness gracious, if that’s what you’re requiring from others, especially a massive network that has more money than most of us will ever see, well, you’re gonna be waiting a long time for that. It’s gonna have to be a situation of compromise, and that compromise is usually reached through private resolution.
Now, in private resolution, you usually can end up creating a space where public accountability will occur as well. But understand that you’re rarely going to get an opportunity to sit at a table and come to a good resolution privately, if you just run to public accountability. So I say this to all of you, in our personal lives and relationships, if we feel like we’ve been wronged, whether it’s in the work world, or personally through a relationship, it probably doesn’t serve us to run to all of our friends and scream about it. It probably won’t serve us to run to all of our co-workers and talk about it day in and day out. Because ultimately, none of those people are actually going to solve the problem or the pain that we’re feeling.
I think what we can learn from this situation is if we want to maintain our relationships as people are increasingly connected, and we want to make sure that we have a future in our industries and in our relationships, it serves us to maybe take the private route first, and see how that works, before we start going to the microphone, and blowing things up. Because you know what, whenever you set things on fire, you may be the one who gets burned.
Now for today’s chat, I’ve been so excited to break this one down, because it easily is the most asked question that I get whenever I’m doing panels or when I bumped into you, you know, on the street, or if we are in the DMs, this comes up all the time. And I think this information will be really valuable. Now, the number one thing people always ask me, you know, based on the fact that I have quit my job live online in front of 10,000 people, and I did that almost 10 years ago, and built a multimillion dollar business, multiple brands, multiple million dollar brands, you know, as well as worked with other people. People say Nicole, how did you even know when it was time to move? And this question comes up more and more now that I’ve shared that I’m, you know, in the process of a divorce and transitioning out of, you know, my, my role in my marriage and my relationship that I’ve moved to Los Angeles, you know, just all of these things that have happened recently, people are like Nicole, like you have made and stepped into some bold decisions. And you seem to do it in a way where you have a little bit of confidence. And you’re doing it in a way where it seems like you are ready to kind of go all in and we’re seeking to have that in our lives, how are you knowing that these things are going to be okay?
So that’s what I’m gonna break down for you because I think that we all have transitions and decisions and things that we want to do but a lot of us are trying to balance moving when it’s right so that we don’t compromise one, what we’ve already built thus far. Our families matter to us, our kiddos and our littles matter to us, our jobs, our income, our benefits, our existing relationships, all this stuff really matters. And we put a lot of effort into getting them where they are thus far. So we don’t want to lose that. And then of course, knowing when it’s time to move to make sure we are assuring our future. We want to know that the things that we’re going to are going to be real and stable, fruitful and positive.
And I gotta tell you just right out the gate, spoiler alert, no promises on that. But what I can tell you is, there are a few things you can check that’ll help you really know if it is that time. And that’s what I’m going to give you today. So the first thing is by far and large, and this is something you would not have thought of, if you are too comfortable, it may be time to move. I said it. A lot of us out here are saying to ourselves, Well, I have to move because it is so uncomfortable. This is unbearable, because I cry every Sunday because I have the Sunday scaries. And I don’t want to go into work on Monday, I am just miserable in this relationship. A lot of us associate misery with the time to move. And I want to recalibrate for some of you that if you are too comfortable, it may be time to move.
What does that look like? It looks like not having any growth. If you’re at a job where you have stayed in the same role, the same title, the same salary, the same people, the same responsibilities where you are operating on autopilot. Your brain is mush and you are not growing, girl, it may be time to go somewhere else because you deserve growth. You are not ascending to the best version of yourself. If you are in a place where you feel like your marriage is so mundane, where every day is routine and you know what’s coming. And it doesn’t feel like it has any of that original excitement where it feels like you don’t have enthusiasm around what the future may hold. Well, it may be time to move. And I’m not I’m not encouraging everybody to leave their spouse, I’m saying make movement within the marriage where you’re having conversations that you didn’t have before or setting up experiences you didn’t set up before.
But that’s what I mean that it may be time to make a shift. Comfort truly can be an example of when it’s time to move. And I say that as someone who this was one of the primary reasons I moved out of my job. It was standard. I was good at it. I was great as a corporate executive working for a fortune 500 company. I was helping scale from 2 million to 200 million. I was hitting my marks and I was killing it. I was also making pretty good money. But I also knew that God had called me to be, do and serve more. And that was not going to happen where I was.
I had actually been in a position where I’d like to describe it as golden handcuffs. I was in a position where I knew that I could stay here forever, but I was locked in. And while it was beautiful and shiny, that was it. That growth was only going to come from discomfort and the discomfort I wanted it to be something that I chose. I wanted to choose the discomfort of branching into something that gave me a little bit of risk, but I knew there was going to be reward. And that meant I needed to get out of this comfortable position and step into something more.
So if you’re saying to yourself right now, if this is resonating, if you’re saying girl, Nicole, you’re right, I haven’t changed anything. And I haven’t changed my outfit. I have the same haircut. I haven’t even I haven’t moved, I haven’t gone to a new city, I am too dang comfortable. And I am not going to grow while staying here. Well, hey, friend, it may be time to reflect on what your next move is, and get a little bit uncomfortable so you can branch into new things. Now, the next thing is, and I think this may be a little bit more obvious, but it may be too hard.
It may be time to move, because the thing you’re doing is too hard. And I’m not talking about the fact that it may have some discomfort because in reality, life is difficult. You’ll hear me say it time and time again. I’ve talked about it all season, life is the meeting and solving of problems, all we will ever do all day is figure out problems. How will I get to work? What will I eat? How will I figure out how to pay these bills? How will I ascend to my goals? I mean, realistically it is the level of problem that we’re going to deal with. But if everything feels like it is a big problem that is not getting resolved. Another thing that I used to measure if it’s too hard is, if the thing and the work and the opportunity, and what I’m doing stays with me longer than it should, which is like this, if work comes home and you find yourself laying down in your quiet time mulling over the same workplace problems, you may be in a situation where work is too hard for the season of life that you’re in. Where it is requiring and drawing too much from you, then what it is paying out and what the reward should be. If you are finding yourself unable to sign off, turn off, extract, and all you’re doing is being immersed in whatever that challenge is, well then hey, it may be too hard and it may be time to move. Same thing with relationships.
For me, I worked so hard in my marriage, to try to make it happen when I tell you I did all of the things. And I mean, I did all of the things knowing things weren’t going to work, right? Knowing that some things, you know, just to say I did you know what I mean. And for those you guys who have separated, I think you can relate to this. But I got married to be married forever, I’m just not a quitter. Like I am team everything has a resolution. You know, and that’s great. If that’s who you are, your partner needs to be on the same page, your partner needs to be in a position where they are willing to do everything as well, you know, then you can have a marriage forever. That wasn’t my situation. But you better believe that I quickly realized, even though I was still in it, that some things were just too hard. Meaning this was requiring a level of energy from me, that did not permit me to have energy left for important things in my life, like my babies, or important things in my life, like my own health physically, like my physical health. Or this was requiring and extracting so much energy from me that even when I was in other places that were positive like work or with my friends, or at a birthday party or at a wedding or gosh, even just sleeping on vacation, my brain was still thinking about my marriage or the difficulties or the challenges or, you know, some negative experience I may have had with my ex, you know, and when I realized that things were just staying with me all the time that I couldn’t even find a place of peace, because my negativity was being carried with me, that is when you can start saying this may be too hard and it may be time to move.
And the last one, and this is a big one. But when I tell you friend, this one is transformative. It’s based on a biblical principle. And I say this because I know that not all of us are faith followers, right? And not all of us are Christians. But you guys know the language that I speak, right? So extract this and apply it the way that you know speaks your language. But I hope that you can get the meaning of this because there’s room for all here. But God is not the author of confusion. God is not the author of confusion. So if you find yourself being in a space around a decision needing to move, and all you’re finding is that you are in constant confusion, just most of your time is spent going back and forth wondering if you can or if you should, or if it makes sense or if this is right or if any of this connects. Well then it’s worth realizing that the answer may be as simple as go. Go.
Because I’m a big believer that God wants us to live in a state of clarity, that things that He has designed for us are wonderful, and positive. And they may be difficult, but they always lead to our prosperity. And so what that means is if you’re in a place of confusion, that’s not of Him, right? That’s not a place where your positivity and your future resides. So if you’re going back and forth, maybe the answer is stay still. If you’re going back and forth, maybe the answer is girl just go. But you better believe that if you’re sitting there spending a lot of time dancing around it, trying to make it work, bending, and twisting and manipulating everything in your life to try to make this thing fit, then maybe it just doesn’t fit. And maybe you don’t fit.
So if you’re having a hard time making a decision, right now, I just want to encourage you to also allow yourself instead of trying to say, how do I make this thing work? Ask yourself, what happens if it doesn’t? What am I going to do if it doesn’t work, and then friend, maybe just do that. I know that once I started embracing that I didn’t always have to bend over backwards to make things succeed when God just may not want that for me. I started seeing whole new opportunities. I started feeling so encouraged about the future. And I started really embracing my ability to adapt, be flexible, and thrive in change.
Friend, it’s not just me, this is a truth that exists for you, too. I want you to know that whether or not you decide that it is time for you to move and step into something new or stay where you are just a little bit longer until the next thing, you have the ability to thrive. You deserve joy. And it is something that is absolutely written in the stars for your future. This is not just something that I’m standing in agreement on unbelieving for you today. It is something that I have already experienced to be my truth. I have had one of the hardest, most difficult and challenging years of my life. And I hope that in our chats that we have day in and day out, you recognize that I’m still here. That I’m still here to let you know that if God can do it for me, he can do it for you.
And I’m a believer that if you’re willing to accept that it’s already been promised to us that weapons will form, they will, things will be hard,that’s already good and clear, friend, that’s no surprise. We already know that it can get hard. But if you’re also willing to accept that these weapons won’t prosper, then you’ll lean in to the change that you need. You’ll lean into the change that you deserve. And you’ll realize whichever path you follow, it will end in good things and you are worth it. Go get it friend. I’m doing it with you.
In this episode, I share:
- Why so many of us have been in autopilot mode lately,
- How to move from surviving to thriving,
- A lesson for us all from some recent Real Housewives drama, and
- How to confidently making moves in your life (or confidently stay where you are!)
Resources and links mentioned in this episode:
- Send me a DM on Facebook and Instagram
- Record a voice message for me here
- Don’t miss episode 30 from season 1 where I talk about MidTiny’s cancer journey
- I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!
More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:
If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.
As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.
When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.
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