SEASON 3, EPISODE 64
Out of the darkest days going through divorce, I’ve had to correct habits that got me to where I was. In this chat, we’re talking about one habit that had to change in order for me to get up and out again.
Friend, I know this one is for you and I am so grateful you are here.
Thank you for the support and for showing up as an answered prayer when I asked for help. You are deserving of the same. Drop me a note over on Instagram @NicoleWalters!
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Read the transcript for this episode!
Season 3, Episode 64
Hey, friends. So as you know, throughout this season, I’ve been sharing different stories about starting over, starting fresh, and just growing. And you also know that I have a new memoir that is coming out and we’re getting closer and closer to the big day. It’s coming out October 10. But it is available for pre-sale now. Now here’s why pre-sale is so important one, every single pre sale purchase counts towards the greater number when they are calculating things like New York Times bestseller list. And, you know, getting that visibility around an everyday girl’s story on how she made it made it someone just like you was able to get there without being weird or compromising their values and just doing the old schoolwork. So we want to hit those numbers and grabbing your book now helps me do that, you know. But the other thing is that if you grab your book, now, I have bonuses, a sneak peek at the prologue and chapter one. And on top of that, your book will arrive on your doorstep when it comes out rather than later.
So no spoilers, you’ll be able to be the first to read it. And we can talk about it in real life on my book tour, which starts in October. So grab your book now anywhere retailers are sold, it’s called Nothing is Missing. And I’m just so grateful because so many of you have already grabbed it. And actually, I’ve gotten a lot of feedback around the prologue and chapter one, and we’re just diving in. So thank you so much for that. Thank you for all of you who grabbed it, get out there and grab your book now
But I wanted to talk about something today that actually I dive deep in, in the book, it’s a theme that comes up often. And I’m actually living the outcome right now, of the behavior that I showcase in the book. Oh, that’s hitting. Because I’m like, there’s I don’t want to say, guilt or shame or difficulty but I’m just very aware, because I’m sort of paying the price for the choices that I made. And my memoir is really about that. It’s about just all these choices in the lessons and you know, some of you are in it now some of you have experienced the season before, but I go into my childhood and having kids and you know how I got my kids, you know, adopting them and dealing with stage four cancer and the breakdown of my marriage.
And you can read all of that. But I’m living the outcome, the byproduct of those choices today. And that’s what I wanted to talk about. If you’ve been following along on social media, at Nicole Walters on Instagram, I’m on threads app, I’m on Facebook, just Nicole Walters around the internet, you have seen that over the past two, three years, I’ve been sharing about some of the difficulties in dark times. And ultimately the joy and recovery and healing of going through a divorce and falling in love and becoming engaged again.
And a lot of you reached out to me in the early season of my divorce because I didn’t outright say I was going through a divorce. And part of why I didn’t outright share that was because one, I was still figuring it out, right? You know, you already know me. I share my scars and not my scabs. I was still sorting through, I’ve never said this before, but I thought we might get back together. I thought I might go back home, I wasn’t quite sure, you know, what would happen.
I was really taking it day by day, I couldn’t believe where I was. I didn’t know what it would mean for my kids. And I was just trying to be very tender with myself. And, and frankly, I didn’t say much just because I wanted to be careful with what I said, in case things worked out. You know, and I wanted to be careful with what I said in case things didn’t and my kids were to listen to this later. So I just really didn’t say too much. But simultaneously, I was also working on my book, and I was writing and if you go back and just scroll through social, you know, social leaves clues, you know, you can see where I was talking about, you know, just darker days, and it was just hard. And I was sad.
And you know, I want to tell you a little bit more about that time, maybe a little bit more transparently. Maybe because I understand it a little bit better now since I’m on the other side of those specific emotions, even though I’m still dealing with the various elements of grief around, you know, a lost marriage. And I will tell you that I don’t know when that grief is going to subside because you know, there is and I just want to be clear also I think a lot of women who’ve gone through bad breakups or divorces that you know, were unexpected. You know, you’re grieving a fantasy, you’re not really grieving the reality. I’m grieving the idea of what I thought my marriage was I do not grieve you know the reality of what it actually was because I’m in a relationship now that has helped me and healed me and is healthy and gives me so much joy every day.
So, you know, I’m thankful that I get to live in what was my fantasy in the present. But I do mourn sort of the rose-colored glasses that I used to own, you know, but truth is always better, right? So that said, you know, during the time when I immediately emerge from my divorce, I don’t do too many episodes where I really dive deep into it, because it is still something I’m unpacking. And I also want to respect, you know, my ex, and I want to respect you know, my kids and all that. But, you know, one of the things that was tough was everything. I spent almost a year in one of the worst forms of depression I’ve ever gone through.
I used to think that I’d already experienced depression. I thought that, you know, the seasons of burnout where I maybe questioned my purpose, or hard work or things of that sort that, you know, I was in a funk, or I was bummed out about results that, you know, oh, you know, this is what depression was, oh, oh, no, no, no, when I tell you, I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep consistently. I literally was in a fog. I mean, I was incoherent, I wasn’t kind, you know, when I could interact, I was impatient at times. I felt hopeless. I lost, you know, like, 22 pounds in like a month, you know, like, call it the divorce diet, but I mean, I was barely feeding myself.
And I talked about it in the book, the first couple of days after I landed in California, you know, I slept for 36 hours, you know, not to mention just the physical health symptoms, you know, that my doctors were able to track my blood pressure was through the roof. My skin, I for the first time I was experiencing cystic acne, which is something that I have never experienced in my life, and my skin was breaking out just terribly. I was dealing with facial paralysis, I mean, just truly my body was breaking down, in addition to the fact that I could not care for my body.
And that meant I also was unable to earn income, you know, because an element of my work right now is, you know, obviously being on camera and going to speaking gigs and traveling. And when I tell you, I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t even, I don’t even know if it’s find the motivation, I couldn’t see the purpose, I was so deeply sad, because I thought everything was over, I was hopeless. And I want to let you know that one of the things that is finally a takeaway from that moment that I wanted to share with you and that you may understand is, depending on the seasons you’ve been in, is that as a God girl, that, you know, I was really being humbled.
And I want to be really clear about what I’m saying, because I don’t want people to hear that we’re deserving of depression. That’s not what I’m saying. And I’m not trying to say that, you know, because some of us it’s, it’s not situational depression, it’s a chemical depression, which is why medication is warranted, therapy is warranted. So I want to be very responsible in saying that, not all depression is the same. And not all situations are the same. However, what I can tell you is of the many things that I had learned from this season of my life. One of the things that was a huge takeaway for me was a humbling of myself.
And that humbling was because, you know, in my previous relationships, I was very codependent. You know, I was codependent and feeling that my prime responsibility, worth and value existed in what I did, and how I showed up as a mother, as a wife, as a teacher. And if I was able to show up completely, and always in all forms, sacrificing self and well being, that was me at my best. That was my greatest value. And I talked about this in my book. Actually, if you purchase, you know, the book and presale, you actually get chapter one where I tell a story about witnessing some of the things my mother did, very early on, that reinforced this idea. And for those of you who’ve already read it, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
I really did believe that a woman’s highest value and what is most respected by her peers, her spouse, her children, and God was that she set herself on fire just to keep the people around her warm. And when I tell you that I’m realizing that if I was so sick that I could be nothing to no one and that I couldn’t even take care of myself. That thought alone was depressing because I couldn’t figure out how I had value if I wasn’t like making money or serving. And it was humbling because it meant that in order for me to get myself up and out of this, I had to figure out what my value look like, outside of being a wife, and outside of making money because Lord knows I wasn’t doing it in that season.
And the only way I was able to get myself up, and here’s the lesson, and for those of who are in this now or version of this now, or or you see, or if you’re seeing this for yourself in the future, was that I had to ask for help. It wasn’t in some magical class, it wasn’t in some magical meal, or it wasn’t in some crazy, you know, coaching or what have you, you know? Yes, it did mean, I leaned into therapy, yes, I accepted whatever help I could get, you know, medically, whatever. But the truth was, it was asking for help. Asking for help is something that I did not do in my previous relationship enough. And when I did do it, and it wasn’t affirmed, I felt like okay, well, this isn’t safe to ask for, it isn’t something I should do consistently. If you do, it’s not warrant, it’s not necessarily warranted, you know, I just saw, I’ll just do it myself.
And I think a lot of us lean into that because we take pride in being able to do it all, or we don’t want to, I can’t tell you how often I hear from my clients where they’ll say, I don’t need an assistant, because I’ll just have to manage that assistant, or if they get it wrong, I have to fix it, or they’ll mess everything up. And I will tell you that if you are not willing to learn to ask for help now, you will be forced to learn how to ask for help later. You will have to, and, and it’s not just asking. So there’s two types of help that can come into your world are two ways. One of them is asking, and the other one is accepting.
And when I tell you being humbled, because I could not feed myself. I was losing weight, because it felt too heavy to pick up my phone to even order food. I had to accept help of people, so they were going to send me food. I was struggling to earn income. Fortunately, because I built a business in a way where I had recurring income, I had multiple income streams, I came from corporate and I know what I’m doing in business, thank God, you know, I’d already set it up where, you know, I was still generating income, even though I could not show up. So I was grateful for that, because my family did not suffer in that capacity. But I could not add to my income, I could not, you know, engage in new things.
And I literally, you know, was so humbled that literally, it came to a point where I remember, I was laying on a couch in, you know, California in my apartment at the time. And I was just sobbing. And I was just so I was sobbing. And I remember I was literally vocally asking God, like, you know, what do I do next? You know, what do I do next? And, you know, what came to me, whatever your belief system is, you know, as I’m laying on this couch was ask.
And in my head initially, I’m like, I am asking you right now, what do I do? What do you mean ask? And I felt my phone buzzing, you know, and it was a variety of friends. I have a great chat group with you know, my, my squad, my girls, you know, and when I tell you it, and I think I know I’m speaking to one of you right now, friend, I know I’m talking to someone specific, you know. But I didn’t feel good enough to ask. What is my value to just ask you for something because I don’t even feel like I have anything to give? You know, I don’t feel like I have anything to offer right now. You know, and the thing that I had to learn was that for some people, the gift of being able to help the strong friend is a gift in and of itself. Like that’s a blessing to them. To be able to be in a position to serve someone that they feel is a good person and on a good trajectory and is a good mom.
And there are things people know and think about you, about your talent, your skills, about your gift. It’s something that you show to others, you know, that it’s the mentorship, it’s the support. People want to be in a position to help serve you because they know they’re helping serve a greater purpose. They know your intention and allowing them to do that is a blessing that we do not have a right to rob people of, you know, and I am just so grateful just a shout out to you know, all my girls squad to my friends to you, you know, I asked for prayer, you know from you and for my community and y’all gave it to me.
And I got very good at asking, you know, and I got very good at accepting. And accepting even looked like when someone said, hey, I can come watch the kids. Yes. You deserve to get a nanny, you know, full time to help support because in this season, you know, if you aren’t able to get out of bed that day, you need someone who’s going to help you, you know, and you have the means to do it. That is what the money is for, that is what the old you sacrificed for in preparation for this season, like, you know, do it.
You deserve, you know, to let us help you run your business, I have a really good friend who I talk about extensively in this book, who stepped in, in a way that I will never be able to repay. There’s just, there’s no quantifiable amount on this planet. But she will never want for as long as I live and neither will her children because of the way that she showed up for me. I could not, I could not make certain decisions in my business and in my life. And she stepped in completely and selflessly and made them as if it were her own. And I will forever thank her for that. And it’s simply because I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t, you know, and she saw that and she stepped in. And I said, Yes, I accepted.
And if there is a place right now in your life, where you know that you just don’t have it, you don’t have anything else to give. And it’s not because you lack it’s because you’ve given 100% everywhere else. I ask you, friend, not to let yourself drown while you are surrounded by life preservers. Just reach out and grab one. They’re there, because you earned it through there, because you deserve it. They’re there because your life, your purpose, the way you show up, deserves to continue to remain afloat. And the idea that you think you’re going to uplevel because a lot of times in these seasons of divorce, have struggles of difficulty, of layoff, of hardship, of postpartum, of pregnancy, of all of the different things that we were struggling with. In the seasons they’re a precursor to what comes next to where you’re headed.
And in order to get there, you may need as you’re being shaped and formed into the being that’s going to arrive in that next big moment, you may need a little bit of carrying. And I promise you, if you look to your left, and if you look to your right, it’s so easy for us to say no one comes and helps me. I’m on my own. That’s one of the biggest lies, you know that our mind will tell us that the enemy wants us to believe because we thrive in failure, we’re more inclined towards failure when we think we’re alone.
Because the truth is, if you look to your left, you look to your right, nothing is missing, you lack nothing. If it’s accepting help, meaning I’m at the grocery store, and I need help with loading my items into the cart, load them, that two ounces of energy that you get to save you will need for later for what God’s bringing to your plate. If it is at the job, and someone’s like, Hey, I got this, cut out early. Let them get it and cut out early. You deserve that. You know someone sees you and they see what you offer. Let them lean into it. If someone says I want to make this introduction for you, accept it. If someone saying they want to invite you to the opportunity take it if someone saying that they want to help support you and your brand and whatever else and they’re doing it with the best intentions and it is a platform you align with, accept it and say yes.
If someone’s saying they want to watch the kids to give you a date night, take it if someone says if the kids are even saying Hey Mommy, let me help you with that, they want to load the laundry or take care of the cleanup allow them to and don’t feel like you have to do something else sit your hide on the couch, you deserve it. Your husband says he wants to take the kids out for the day and leave you at home let him. He wants to go and do carpool in the morning so you can sleep in, sleep in girl! I’m telling you that if you simply say going forward for just the next three days, that you are going to just say yes to all the help that is offered, it will change your life. And when I tell you when you start realizing how many people want to show up for you the meaning in your worth and how deserving you are of that it really does change your energy and it gives you more energy.
And I can tell you that again, like I said shout out to all the people who’ve supported me, it has formed me into a person who for this next chapter is going to do so much more and is doing so much more simply because I’m not doing it by myself. And I recognize that we really are better together. And not only am I grateful though people in my corner, but I’m grateful for you. Because I truly could not have made it to this season to this conversation to this lesson and everything else I share in my book and that I share here and that I share on social, if it wasn’t for the prayer and the covering. But I also want you to know that came from me sharing vulnerably and for me asking.
So thank you for the support and for showing up as an answered prayer when I asked for help but I also ask that you do the same for yourself because friend, you deserve.
In this episode, we chat about:
- The habit that I had to change to get out of my darkest days post-divorce,
- Why I used to believe I didn’t deserve help,
- How some of my darkest days shaped my current healthy habits, and
- Why you deserve to ask and to receive help
Resources and links mentioned in this episode:
- Pre-order my memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
- Send me a DM on Instagram and Facebook!
- Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
- Don’t miss our last chat about why going viral RUINED me – listen here!
- I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!
More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:
If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.
As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.
When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.
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