Season 4, Episode 10: I’m scared I will FAIL!

Season 4, Episode 10

Nicole:

Hey y’all, I mentioned in last week’s chat that this was kind of a big one for me and it is. And, um, I say that because there’s so much that I’ve had to evaluate wanting to share as I am growing my family and getting remarried and all that jazz, but I also always want to bring you with me on the journey and if you tuned in on Instagram last week, I did a Q&A and one of the questions that kept coming up was, Nicole how on earth did you get to the place where you felt comfortable loving again being loved, getting married again, just opening yourself up to that and there are two things about that I want to address before I get into that answer that I shared and I’ve been having conversations about in the DM.

The first one is, um, I love having these chats with you because everyone here is so respectful and grace filled. So it takes a lot to share vulnerably and my intention around sharing this aspect of my life is because I’ve seen the fruit of women in their various stages, whether it is getting out of a relationship, surviving within the relationship or restarting after years being out of one, uh, from seeing someone live these various steps out loud.

So whether you do it like me or you don’t do it like me, or you are just sort of watching because you’re trying to navigate and you know what life is going to give you, um, you know, that is my intention behind sharing. I remember when dealing with the cancer journey with my MidTiny, you know, who’s now 21 and healthy and we thank God for that.

The one thing I wanted that whole time was just a mom who could say like, look, kids survive cancer and everywhere I looked, I was finding stories of sort of really random one off scenarios or stories of, of people who didn’t make it, you know, and have figured out how to move on. And I just wanted people around me to say like, yes, it’s possible.

And I don’t mean like affirming something, sort of toxic positivity style, but really in a realistic way of the highs and lows, including the difficult stuff. And I just, I hope to be that in your life. The second thing about this is I also really transparently trying to balance what I share and when I share about this relationship.

And that is because one, I feel so differently about where I am as a grown woman getting married again. My first marriage happened when I was 22, 23. I was very young. And um, you know, at least young for me. I know some people get married at 18 and it works, but for me, I was young. I was not ready. I do not regret it. I do not regret any aspect of getting married, even though, um, it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to.

But I will say I’m an adult now and I know the decision I’m making and I’m coming at it in a totally different way. And I don’t regret even sharing my marriage, you know, over 12 years or living out loud or anything like that.

But I am holding things a little closer to the vest and here’s what that looks like. The things I’m discussing with you, I try to discuss them when I have them a little bit more sorted out. I don’t like to use social media or any platform that I have as my therapy. It’s not my means to figure it out.

When I say we’re doing life together, I mean, I’m here trying to speak into your life and my goodness, you, you all speak into mine as well in a very positive and wonderful way. And, um, and that’s great. But I also am not looking for a crowdsourced opinion around my relationship.

And I’m really grateful for that because I found that when you speak to things when they are scars rather than speaking to them when they are scabs, they can’t turn into wounds again. And that measurement has always served me very well. So what that means is a lot of times when you hear about things in relation to my relationship or, uh, you know, a new development in the fertility journey, there’s a smidge of a delay, right?

Because I like to take time to process those things with my partner, my family, my therapist, my pastor, and myself. So that said, what I want to talk about today is, uh, getting married again and being scared. Being scared of what it means to become a wife again. And it’s hard to say that out loud because even though I’ve really processed through a lot of where that came from and why and what that means, it doesn’t feel good to say out loud.

Like it doesn’t feel good to say that you’ve met this man that is just dreamy, right? Imperfect, make no mistake, you know, because I never want to be the person who is painting a picture of an idealized relationship, I’ve been really good about not doing that in my first marriage. There are lots of people that I’ve learned, um, no matter what, will always say, you seemed so perfect, you seemed so happy.

But if you listen to what I said, I’ve had like five or six podcasts about how we almost got divorced, you know, uh, and then eventually did get divorced and I’ve constantly talked about the struggles and challenges in my previous marriage. So I, I never try to present an idealized, perfect perspective, but people will see you for what they want to see you for.

But same thing applies here, I do not have a perfect relationship, but I have picked a much better partner for who I am today. And I am very grateful for everything that my Misterfella is, Alex. However, independent of him, the concept of marriage has not been so great to me, right? It’s kind of like if you’ve worked in a certain field or career like say banking or insurance, feeling a little jarred about re-entering the work world after taking time off from maternity leave, not because you’ve been out of the game for a while, but because when you were in the game, you took a lot of hits, you know, and you worry about whether or not it’ll go well again.

You worry about whether or not you have the ability or fortitude to make it work and above all else you worry that if for some reason it doesn’t work out you have the strength to get through it and do it over again, the termination process, you know, and I don’t even want to speak that over my relationship again because I know that I’m meant to be a wife. I know that I’m a good wife and I know that the partner that I’ve selected and that we’ve selected each other we’ve got a really good shot at forever, you know?

And I’m deeply grateful for that and I’m going to give it my all and I am giving it my all, but I’m not so naive as to think that things can’t happen. And the reason why I say that is because I got married the first time forever. So, I’m aware of that possibility. And just that awareness of that possibility is enough to give you jitters. It can give you nerves. It can make you scared.

And I have to say that there’s something to be said. For the fact that whenever you’re reentering something that is a bold decision and a major life change or even returning to something that was a major fixture point in your life, if you’re not feeling any nerves or if you’re not feeling any awareness of the magnitude of the change, you really want to reevaluate, you know, how much you care about what you’re doing.

I think that there’s this false sense that’s often, uh, put out in, in the world where people are like, gosh, I just feel such a peace. I just feel such a peace about this decision. Listen, I feel a certainty. I feel a peace with my partner. It feels God sent and God designed. But I’m scared of marriage, you know? I’m scared of what I’ve been through. I don’t talk about the divorce process often, just because that part is even fresher than my ability to look back and reflect on marriage. But what I can tell you is my divorce was not easy at all.

I wish I could say that it was easy and amicable and just paperwork, but I don’t know if anyone’s is One of the commonalities that is shared amongst divorcees and I’m sure my ex would say about me is that in the because that’s what everyone says about everyone is that in the divorce process you feel like you feel like you are meeting someone you’ve never met before and that is commonly said by everyone, you could Google that sentence.

And what’s interesting about that is I often have felt that when you’re getting divorced, you’re meeting the person that is the reason you are getting divorced, right? Like it should affirm why you want to get divorced. That that person that you’re, that’s on the other side of the table is the reason why.

You know, you’re like, oh, well, if this is what it is, then, you know, because if you’re able to do it amicably and all that, then maybe a divorce doesn’t make sense, you know, but I don’t know. I’ve never been in that situation. So I don’t know. But, um, But that said, my divorce took a lot out of me, you know, and where it took a lot of energy out of me is not from like the stuff negotiation process, right? Because frankly, I and I can say this pretty transparently, I left with three suitcases. I was not wedded to the stuff and I never have been, right?

I’m really, coming out of being a business person, I’m into equity. I’m into, uh, the legality of things. I just want to do things right. And above all else as a mother, I really just care the most about the well being of my children, making sure that they are cared for, loved, that they are affirmed, that they have access to their parents and are well supported in that process.

So like, you know, and then of course restarting. I think every woman, you know, and this came up a couple of times in my, um, Instagram, every woman, when they’re going through the divorce process is really mostly worried about like, Hey, when this is all said and done, will I have enough? And will I have the means and the energy and the ability and the finances to pick up and rebuild and take care of my family?

And I know some of you listening right now who are there, in this process have gone through this process and nodding your head like yes, it’s literally it like I just want to be sort of done with the person I want to mind my own business and I just want to move on, you know? And the biggest part for me was again not worried so much about that because the ability to make money and work hard is something that I have work ethic, you know, so I don’t panic about things like that because I have work ethic, you know, and I will always figure it out one way or another.

And if for some reason I can’t, you know, it won’t be for lack of trying, right? But the part that I think is, uh, was difficult for me during that process, you know, leading up into deciding if I want to get married again was that it was always on the back burner. Like, I could not fully commit myself to anything because I always felt like in the back of my head I had this thing I was waiting for completion from.

Kind of like if you have a family member who is struggling with a certain mental health or medical or health diagnosis and you’re kind of waiting for that, uh, medical thing to be complete, you know? With a divorce, the part of it that is so difficult is you’re reliant on a person that you presently don’t get along with to assist, comply, and help in ending something that at a rate or a speed that you may desire, you know, but that they may not be aligned with, you know, and, um, and that’s difficult, you know, it’s difficult because you would think, oh, we’re all mutually on the same page about getting this done as quickly as possible and yada, yada, yada, and that just may not be the case, you know, and so it can go on.

I mean, Halle Berry’s divorce went on seven years, you know, and especially when large amounts of finances are in play, like divorces can go on for years. And so can you imagine having to deal with, you know, at least in terms of the major-ness in your life, the equivalence of waiting for a diagnosis or a cure to a situation for two years, three years, four years, seven years, um, even though you learn how to live in the now, which that was another question, how do you, what do you do while this is happening?

You just live. Right? You have to live. You have to live. You cannot put your life and your well being on hiatus for years and years and years while you wait for a shift that is outside of your control, right? So I got really good at living. I am still gonna build. I’m still gonna mom. I’m still gonna love.

I’m still gonna take care of myself. I’m just gonna keep living because I can’t let this thing on the back burner that is totally out of my control keep me from living. But it’s still there, you know, and all that being said, it is not something that I would wish my worst enemy through. Nobody likes divorce, nobody chooses divorce, nobody wants divorce, um, and it is not something I wish people through.

So knowing that I just went through this process and the idea that I would re-enter the thing that is required to, I can guarantee that I will never have a divorce again if I never get married again, right? Like, that is the one way, it’s almost like, if there was a way, like, if they’re like, you will never get lung cancer again if you never smoke a cigarette, right?

Like, I bet you money people like, oh, I’m never touching those things again, right? Like that is, you would think it’d be a no brainer. And maybe this is just one of the beauties and wild things about humankind is that we’re willing to put ourselves through the pain. But you better believe that I am over here like, holy cannoli, I can’t believe I’m doing this again.

And again that emphasizes what I said in the beginning. It’s not the man I’m worried about. I would scale Kilimanjaro for Alex because he’s worth it, right? But the marriage is, it was just, it’s just really terrifying. So here’s what I like, I went obviously to my therapist and to my pastor and premarital counseling and, you know, like all these pieces just to make sure that I was hitting all the marks.

I realize, and here’s the part that I really hope is transformative to those of you who are exploring love again. You know, after kind of having your hearts closed or, um, I might just say it because we girlfriends here, still in the marriage or in the tough relationship because you’re afraid to get out because you don’t know if you can find someone else or you’re worried about having to do that dating process again or whatever else.

I just want to let you know the transformative thing I came to was that I was measuring my future as if it were the same as my past. I was saying to myself that I only know how to be married one way and I know how that ended up and I am afraid that this is going to be the same.

But the truth is whether it is your marriage, or your career, or your second business, or your next child, the thing I never want you to forget, that I had to be reminded of, is that you get to bring all of your knowledge, mistakes, and lessons, and every single piece that you had from the thing before, into your new experience.

The you today is not the same you that is meeting this new moment. You are actually better. If anything, this should encourage you to step into new opportunities. If you have been on maternity leave for however long and you are now like, gosh, I have to get back into the work world. I feel outdated. I feel out of place. I don’t know, what did I miss? Listen, the person who started the work world before the baby is not the same person who’s going back in because you’re bringing all of your experience from working years before, in addition to your new skills around scheduling, navigation, parenting, prioritizing, having a baby changes you and it can change you for the better and it is valued.

I want you to know that after talking to my therapist and really spending the time where, I’m not kidding, my therapist always said to me, to my face, she said, listen, you are scared about a hypothetical and you’re afraid to choose the right hard. Both sides are hard. Are you going to be single, be by yourself, knowing that you have a calling over your life to have more children, not that you can’t have children single okay. So no judgment there for those of you who have explored that option or have had by choice had to live that option. But you know, you want to have more children, you want to be a wife, you see that for yourself, that is something that is clearly called over you.

So do you want to live in the hard of knowing that your fear has kept you from embracing what you’re supposed to be and what you know you’re supposed to do? Or do you want to choose the heart of facing it, applying what you’ve learned? Which can we just be honest, learning the lesson is Hard work, but doing the thing that you’ve learned is even harder. And that is the thing most of us run away from.

I can’t tell you how many people I’ve had, hey, hey boundaries, had in my life that were really good at admitting what their problem was and not so good at doing something about it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I have a real problem with, you know, with maintaining a schedule. I have a real problem with holding myself accountable. Yeah, so what are you doing about it, right?

So quick example of this. Me and Alex will get into it. I wouldn’t say like what’s nice is we don’t have like big huge arguments and they’re always like communication based, you know, like where it’s like I thought you were saying this and it seemed like this and this was my expectation and I need to know how it’s different in the future.

And what I love about our arguments, which sounds like a crazy sentence, is that they are very predictable in our format. It’s part of why I can find comfort in marrying him because we do hard stuff together really well. Not because it’s happy hunky dory all the time or I think he’s smoking hot or anything like that. Like part of why I know and I feel really good about marrying him is because of how we do the tough stuff together.

So recently, we had a disagreement. I’m going to be completely honest. I can’t remember right now what it’s about, which I think a lot of, um, us can remember this, but I remember it was a, it was a kind of a fiery one. I’m trying to remember what it was about. It was kind of fiery, but basically we ended up having to take time off for, Oh, Oh, I remember what it was. And I’ll tell you, and hopefully he doesn’t mind because he’s not here. But we were, we had like a date night and I remember that he was working in the studio on a project, I think it was like a commercial or a movie or, you know, a song for a commercial, something like that.

And we had a date night scheduled and I cherish our date nights. Like, Um, not only because I really, when I tell you, I love spending time with Alex, we have fun. It is enjoyable. It just feels so good. Like I love being with him, but also we both have very busy schedules so date nights to me are like force field boundaries cherished, right?

But recently what I’ve been feeling in our past couple of date nights that we’ve had was that he didn’t really want to be there. And I’ll dive into that more. I felt like every time we would have a date night, like his attention was split and his desire was like less than a hundred percent to be there.

And I never articulated it, but I knew that going into every date night, I would feel kind of stressed, like, and I was feeling this feeling of like, am I just not going in relaxed or, and I would, that stress would bleed into, you know, well, what is the activity we were doing? Or, and sometimes we’ll to go do like archery or hatchet throwing or, uh, go see a movie or sometimes we’ll do dinner, but our date nights are usually like a thing, like it’s fun. We’ve done like obstacle courses, like, you know, we just, we have a really good time together but every time our date nights would have a little bit of tension in them, that was like not good.

You know, like we couldn’t just like relax, you know, and it would be like, Oh, we’re showing up a little late. It was just like this weirdness. And I remember feeling to myself, like it wasn’t always like this. We know that we enjoy each other’s company. We’re still doing the date night, but I don’t feel like we’re enjoying them as much.

And what happened was our most recent date night that we had, we ended up like at the end of it all me just being like it’s date night, can we just like put our phones out and just be in it? You know cuz I felt like he was looking at his phone a lot and I was just kind of like what the heck you know, like are we supposed to be interacting blah blah blah and then he was like his response to it was like you’re always telling me what to do or something like thatiIt was kind of like that energy and I remember being like but we’re on date night like it was like one of those type of coupley skirmishes, you know and we ended up being so frustrated that we were just kind of like fine and like didn’t talk.

Now this is, and when I say didn’t talk I mean for like basically the next morning he kind of like left for work, I left, like that whole thing, you know, and we kind of, I call it our cool down period. So this is kind of how our disagreements go. We start off with whatever the thing is that happened and we’re all kind of like we try to talk through it in the heat of the moment but frankly we’re both too hot about it and and so it just nothing really happens conversationally and then we end up kind of reaching a peak where we’re both really frustrated because we’re not communicating well and then we end up taking maybe a couple hours to not talk about it and then we’ll text and we’ll say hey you know can we talk about this and then we’ll come back to the table with much cooler heads and and sort through this is what it felt like it meant and this is what it felt like it meant and then we’re a hundred percent better at the end of it.

So that’s our sort of like cycle of hard stuff conversation so we’re in this cycle of hard stuff and what I did differently here was I was looking at because in the past I would often really discuss What happened and I don’t know if all guys are like this, but they usually like to talk about the scenario what happened here in this date night scenario, so he was very focused on I Don’t like when you’re telling me to put down my phone because we both use our phones for work and you know yada yada yada and and sometimes you have to check in on things and I usually in these disagreements will focus on explaining my thought around the action, what I did differently That was a lesson that I learned from my previous marriage and from therapy and that gave me additional comfort in knowing that this marriage will be different, was that I applied what I learned which was look you can spend all day unpacking the singular situation, but there’s a feeling behind the feeling.

What are you really feeling Nicole? And I just said it out loud and it was a feeling that I used to be scared to say a lot Of my feelings in my previous relationship because I worried granted and not granted that my partner may not be receptive to it and so in this, but that’s not Alex at all. Alex cares about everything about me, whether I, you know, if I’m happy, if I’m sad, like he wants to always know. And so trusting that, you know, I said, I actually feel a lot of pressure on our date nights cause I feel like you don’t always want to be here. I feel like you always want to be a little bit somewhere else and when you are in your phone during the date night, it makes me feel like that’s affirming that feeling, that there’s someplace else or something else you have going on that you want to be doing.

When I tell you he looked at me and he looked, the best way I can describe it is like crestfallen. Like his face looked crushed and I like, I feel terry about it thinking about it. He looked shocked and devastated and all this and immediately when I saw that face, I was like, Oh my goodness. Not only is this not how he feels, but he really is like, I can feel it in my body now. Like he is like really hurt that I would think. And then he says in so many words, he says that he’s like. I love being around you, you are my favorite person. Like, what are you even? I can’t believe that’s like, you know, and then he’s like, I am so sorry that that’s how you feel. And then we proceeded to have a whole conversation about what was really going on, right?

The feeling beneath the feeling, which was he works a lot, you know, and he has this career that is, you know, for lack of better words, you know, blowing up like he, you know, is doing really well for himself. He’s selling songs. He’s commercials like this is he’s a producer, you know, and he’s doing really well for himself, but it requires hours in the studio. It requires networking and he also feels additional pressures around, uh, becoming a dad and he’s already a stepdad and he takes that responsibility really seriously. Like he handles pickups and drop offs and breakfast time and managing a family and his work is something that’s new to him. And so when date nights would come about, it’s a priority, but he couldn’t shake the fact that he also is aware that he has to put in hours in the studio and just navigating that balance has been difficult for him.

And I heard. All of that, you know, and I heard all of it with the greatest love and I understood it. And if anything, it meant so much to me. And, you know, we were able to both kind of come to, well, this is what I can commit to, you know, for date night. This is what I can commit to. And we were able to solve the problem.

But when I tell you that disagreement and the solving of that hard, did so much for my fear in marriage, because it was another reminder that forget the person I’m with. I have changed. I am not the same person getting married. Just like, you know, going into my business now and adding my free Fridays, which I talked about last week, you know, where I have that opening in my schedule for wellness and self care to make sure I can sustain, cause I do, you know, high powered work that is really demanding.

I have changed. The same person is not arriving in these new moments. And I want to let all of you know that if you haven’t had the chance or you know to engage in there because I recognize that that’s a privilege It’s really hard work, you know, and it’s expensive and not all of us have that access but you know, we do have access to self help tools and books and I know we spend this time here today. I really want you to explore possibly writing down some ways where you’re able to say to yourself Look who and what have I learned, you know in the previous season I was in, that I can take into my new season.

Meaning as I’m deciding a job, what will I know that won’t work for me that I’ve learned from my previous job? Is it the type of hours? Is it the style of manager? Is it, you know, the location, the commute, the drive? What in my new relationship do I know needs to be different? And I want to let you know that if the only thing you’re writing.

Oh, this is about to be a real moment. Some of y’all right now will be like, Oh, if the only thing you are writing. are a list of things that need to change about the other thing, then that’s even more of a sign that you have more exploratory work to do. Because you can’t change other things. You can change yourself, right? That is like lesson number one about control.

So you’ve got to be able to say to yourself, well, who do I need to be coming into this moment? And have I developed those attributes? And do I feel comfortable? So for me, a big thing that I had to work on in my season of single prior to even engaging in the concept of dating.

So I had this huge window, you know, that I didn’t talk about too, too much, you know, so maybe that’ll be a conversation for another day. But in my season of singleness, I worked really, really hard on boundaries. And I worked really hard on, uh, how that fit in into the shape and design of my life. Um, I struggle with boundaries, struggle, struggle, struggle, struggle, struggled.

And, um, and even now I still feel boundary pangs, meaning I can feel where I would have typically pushed on my boundaries, even though I now have the ability to affirm them. I also have certain people in my life that are better at getting at my boundaries, you know triggers than others, right?

And so it’s learning how to manage all of that but I knew I could not enter another relationship until I learned more about boundaries around people taking too much for me, using, disrespecting, exerting, you know allowing people around me who may not be asking of me but in their behavior are our takers. There’s just a lot that I’ve had to learn about that.

So in all that boundary work, I was better prepared for this relationship. So really going through your list and saying, look, what do I need to work on? And I will tell you, especially for those of you seeking a partner, the minute you start working through that list, I don’t want to overpromise, but I’ll tell you, you’re more likely to find someone because people are attracted to people that they see doing the work.

People that they see exploring, you know the growth points. if you’re someone who’s saying I really want to like part of my season of single was was finding hobbies because it was really important for me that in any union or partnership I was in in the future that my life was not solely consisting of being a wife, being a mom, and being a business owner.

I needed to be something for myself and, and in doing those hobbies and in getting out more, I found my partners, you know, so like listening to live music and. going out. Um, I picked up snowboarding and rollerskating and just, you know, things that I really didn’t do before. And some of you may not know that I do now, you know, but like, you know, in engaging in those activities I met people, which then led to getting out.

So, you know, for, for so many of us that are moms or in sort of second chancers when it comes to, you know, dating in the world, we don’t have hobbies. Our kids are our hobbies. Our lives are hobbies and that’s not really anything that is a hobby. That’s, you know, a job, a duty, a privilege, but you know, it’s not a hobby.

Saying all of that, really explore that list and know that you will get so much comfort from realizing how much growth you’ve done and clarity from really realizing where you need to grow more because the tools to accomplish those areas are available in podcasts, in books, in therapy, in prayer, in getting out and doing that work, and you will have a lot more clarity around when you’re ready to get back out there and your ability to take on a new relationship.

So I say all this to say, I still have a little bit of wedding jitters, you know, um, will everything work out right? Will I buy the right type of shoes that won’t sink into the grass as I walk down the aisle? Will my dress get tangled in his feet during our first dance? Will I fumble my words during our vows? Will we continue to solve things and have the time to talk through and follow our communication process when we have a hard thing on the back end?

Will date nights still happen? I got a lot of questions, you know, but all those things I can’t control, you know, marriage is tough, you know, and life changes and I don’t know what is to come but what I do know is that the person that’s at least here today and the person I’m going to continue to work on in the future is ready to take all those things on. And she’s armed with an arsenal of new, well-earned knowledge from 12 years of a marriage that didn’t work, you know, that can help transform her future. And I’m not the only one. You’re in the same boat too, friend. So get out there and give it a shot. You have everything you need and nothing is missing.