Season 4, Episode 14: Mind Your Business

Season 4, Episode 14

Nicole:

Hey y’all, I want to jump right in and I first want to acknowledge how sad this news is. This isn’t a headphone warning, but you probably already heard that Princess Catherine of Wales was recently diagnosed with an unspecified form of cancer. And if you didn’t hear, you know, um, I’m sad to deliver the news, you know, I am going to be really transparent.

You guys know how I am. I am African, right? So I’m not going to, it’s not missed or lost on me that, um, You know, the history of the royal family in the UK is fraught with everything from, invasion to colonizing to, you know, everything. I mean, so, I do want to be clear. As an African, I have very specific thoughts about sort of the, the royal dynasty.

But I also, will never, as Nicole Walters, not have humanity, you know, for, another woman, another mom. She has three littles, George, Louie, and Charlotte, you know, and she’s a wife, you know, and above all else, she’s just another person. And cancer, it’s non discriminatory, you know, and, uh, as, uh, for those of you who’ve been here for a while, you know that I’m, I’ve been personally impacted by cancer, uh, with my middle daughter, who was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma at, age 17.

And I’m really grateful because she is here. She’s healthy. She’s had completely clean scans after her rounds of chemotherapy and we just thank God for that. But having gone through the cancer journey with her and, you know, experienced difficulty of that, which is also detailed in my book, Nothing is Missing.

If you’ve read it, uh, it’s a New York Times bestseller. It’s on shelves everywhere. You know, I talk about, um, That trial in depth because it isn’t really something I’ve talked about in other places. But you know, for those who read the book, you know that besides being expensive and taxing on, you know, the kiddo or the family member who’s actually doing the fight.

Uh, for the family, everybody’s impacted. You know, my heart goes out to her because there’s nothing that, uh, really brings you down to earth. You know, you can have a crown on your head, but you will be absolutely human if you have to look at your babies and explain to them that mommy’s not well. And um, you know, that, that battle is a scary one to fight and it’s a diagnosis that no one deserves.

You know, cancer sucks. but all that being said, what I wanted to speak to is something I touched on on Instagram earlier this week, and I wanted to expand the conversation around it here. SoHave you been keeping up with KateGate? Because over the past about six weeks, it has been utter madness around Princess Kate’s diagnosis.

And when I tell you it was unbelievable. Some of the conversation that was being had everything from speculating as to where she’s been it all started with if you haven’t kept up with the KK because if you’re like me, you are one super busy right with the kiddos with life all the things but also I’m not that hip when it comes to the pop culture call me an old lady I think I’m getting to that window where I don’t even know who the musicians are anymore like is that Billy is that some little something I don’t know right I’m not that hip but what I will tell you is that if it even gets to me, the thing is too big.

Right? It is like, I know all the things that are really big. So the cake gate was a whole thing where basically the royal family announced formally as they do, you know, that she’s going into surgery for an abdominal surgery and that she’ll be recovering thereafter. And the reason why they made the announcement is because, part of the job of the royal family is to be.

ambassadors, if you will. So they often will represent both the UK as well as themselves as a family, through international charitable endeavors or at royal and state events. And so one of the main roles of Kate is to be that representative at those things. So if she is, if her schedule is sort of off the docket and she’s out for a while, then people will speculate because that information is public knowledge.

And part of why it’s public knowledge in the UK is because the royal family, lives off of taxes. They live off of personal wealth, um, and, you know, I just, I can’t not say it, you know, as an African woman. They live off of all the jewels and riches that they’ve stolen from other countries, particularly Africa and the Caribbean.

I gotta say it out loud, it’s true. We just go, look, you guys know how I am with grace, right? We can tell the truth, and it can be true, and we can still also have, have a heart for people going through hardship. The truth is, the royal family in the UK is very wealthy because of what they have, have stolen from others.

and they are living off of that, right? But because of the, the set up of the monarchy, They do have to share, you know, what they’re doing and where they’re going as their role within the royal structure. And they’re well loved, right? In the UK, people follow them. They’re like celebrities, you know, it is, you know, It is how it’s been, you know, since the beginning of time.

But, um, you know, it doesn’t change that there’s still people. So in any case, she announces and shares that she’s not going to be on the docket because she’s going into this surgery. Well, the response to that publicly was kind of like, Oh, okay, surgery. And I can honestly say it wasn’t, That big of a deal?

There was a little bit of speculation, like, oh, what type of surgery? Oh, man, we hope she’s okay, but it was no big deal. Well, soon after the surgery, uh, after the, you know, she went in, she wasn’t really spotted, you know, and a week passed, then another week passed, then a third week passed, and, uh, people started saying, like, hey, you know, we haven’t seen Kate, is she okay?

And, they did release a statement saying, yeah, you know, she’s okay, she’s fine, she’s just recovering, but that just didn’t seem to be enough. Now, I want to take you back to a little bit in history where, this isn’t unusual, right, for people to demand to see a member of the royal family immediately after hearing that they are going through a medical or physical procedure.

Um, I’m a little bit of a history nerd, but this was actually something that was a pretty standardized process, uh, that dates back to, uh, Way, way, way, way, way back when, like, so the first kings where after childbirth or after any sort of medical thing, or even if there was speculation that a king was hurt or a queen was sick or someone was ill, an appearance, a physical appearance of that Queen or king was required out of tradition so that everyone knew that the monarchy existed and that a power couldn’t be overthrown.

And it was, it was actually part of the process to physically see them because that was the only way to know they were still alive. So you will notice, and I’m sure mamas, you will understand what I mean when I say this. After, uh, Princess Kate had each of her children, she’s had three, within, I want to say like 48 hours or so, will usually do an appearance where she is fully dressed, fully decked out, holding the baby, and she does like a photo op from like a balcony near the hospital or back at home or something like that, right, near the palace.

And the reason she does that is out of tradition. It is out of tradition. She survived. The baby survived. Everything is copacetic. Here, here I am, right? Now, as mamas who have had babies, I have not biologically delivered, but I, I have heard, right? That is crazy. That is, can we just say out loud how insane that is?

It is that for the sake of tradition, we are making this woman, this human woman get up out of bed and put on traditional clothes. Y’all Kate was in there and like button up or in a button down, beautiful wool coat, you know, waving and smiling with perfectly coiffed hair and makeup. When I know she has one of those big diaper pads on, you know, she’s sitting there wondering when she’s going to poop again.

Right? Like her body has been through a controlled car accident. Okay. In terms of delivery. And she is out there standing and waving because people need to make sure she’s good. Cause a tradition, like send a sweet text, do a, do a tweet. I’m good. Here I am with the baby, cute little selfie, like everybody else with my hospital gown, hanging half off my shoulder and a little bit of sweat on my brow.

Let’s be real. Let’s be real. But speaking to tradition, there was concern because six weeks passed since her abdominal surgery, where. We had not seen Kate. The world had not seen her. And now, because of the internet, so much speculation. It goes from, did she make it out of the surgery? To, where is she? Did she run away?

To, is she cheating? To, you know, what is she up to? I mean, all of this, when I tell you, running the gamut. And then, there were, and this is where, um, You know, there’s a lot of talk about how the Royal Family PR team, because of course, you know, they have their own PR team, they have their own crisis management, they are a proper organization, where they let her down, where they started to release photos that had clearly been adulterated, right?

So they had old pictures that maybe had not been previously released or, you know, whatever, that they photoshopped to make it look like they were more recent. And everyone picked up on it, right? Like you can’t Photoshop Jack. You can’t put a filter on. We know the filters, you know what I mean? They’re not your lips.

That’s not your cheekbones. Like we know, right? And that is exactly what happened. So those got released and everyone was like, these are fake. And what is going on? Because that basically stoked the fire. People were like, if y’all are releasing fake photos, like, is this actually okay? And I will say, you know, pause on this, to the world’s credit, I would say it was probably like 50 50, right?

50 percent of people were legit worried. They were like, is she actually okay? Like, what did y’all do to this girl? Like, where did she go? And then 50 percent of people were just kind of like, conspiracy, conspiracy, like what’s happening in this world? Just nosy. So, there ended up being kind of a series of photos where everyone was like, this is fake.

And then finally, there is a physical appearance of Kate. Where they show her going apple picking or something. Uh, in an orchard on video with her husband, William. the next in line to be king. And Long story short, because the speculation had already started, people said that this wasn’t Kate, this was a body double, maybe it’s AI.

I mean, it was just a hot mess. It wasn’t enough to quiet the storm. And within a few days after that, a statement was released, and that brings us to kind of where we are today, because that was maybe, I want to say, Four days ago now and Kate sat in front of camera straight to the world where she shared that yes, she’d gone through a surgery and yes, she was in recovery and yes, it had been a while and, and she knows that everyone’s concerned and then she shared she’s dealing with a cancer diagnosis and that she’s going to be going through chemotherapy and she’s been dealing with telling that to her children as a mom and she really hopes that everyone respects her privacy.

Now, you can go online and Google and look at all the think pieces about people saying like is this really her singer statement? Is this AI? Is it, you know, because conspiracy theorists will conspiracy, right? Like that is what they do. But taking everything at face value, you know, and honoring this woman’s word at what she’s saying.

All I could think when I saw this statement, one was I hurt for her, like I was so sad because I know the journey she’s about to go on and when I tell you when you get a diagnosis like that in your family or in your home and For those of you who have received a similar diagnosis or in your family, in your home, or for those of you, you know, I pray never receive it or, but deal with other challenges.

It, it hits in a way where the last thing you want to do is worry about how someone else feels. I have barely processed. The time I’ve literally written a book about it. We are almost five years out from it My baby is healthy and well and I get to you know, hold her and touch her and everything But every time I lose someone to cancer and sadly it’s happening more often I just lost a friend about two weeks ago at age 31 to colon cancer and I When I tell you every time you lose someone you remember how lucky you are that you still have the people who have survived it including my baby and You just don’t it just recovery from that trauma is hard The last thing you want is to have to worry about massaging what other people think or expect you want to focus on the fight That’s where your mind should be So here we have this woman who is you know in the middle of a fight for her life Literally, with three young babies under the age of 10 on a public platform, felt that the priority was to massage the rumors, to address others feelings, and to lay to rest conversation.

That was distracting her from focusing on her fight. Now whether or not she had to do this at the prompting of the palace, you know, the firm, the organization, or she felt the need to do it herself, um, I could not shake, and I wonder if, and this is kind of where I want you guys to kind of tap into your hearts, your brains, your experiences.

I could not shake the feeling outside of sadness of, I should not be seeing this. Like, this is too much. This is not my business. Like, Princess Catherine of Wales, has cancer and it’s none of my damn business. And when I tell you, I find myself saying this more and more on the internet. As I watch content, as I see things on reality TV, As I listen to podcasts, I start wondering at what point did our own business become sufficient for us to mind?

I am learning things about people that not only do I not want to know, but I don’t need to know. I don’t know if I need to know the regularity of your bowel movements. I get it’s a wellness podcast and we’re all trying to improve ourselves, but is that something I needed to know? I don’t know if I need the in detail reporting around someone’s sexual proclivities and what happens in their bedroom.

Even if it is salacious or interesting or, there’s a curiosity that can be satisfied, I don’t need to know that. It’s, it’s, I don’t even know if I want to know that. Do I really need to know why someone got divorced? I mean, honestly, I don’t even know if I need to know if they got divorced.

It’s just none of my business. And I have to tell you that it had me thinking when I saw this very clear display of a woman prioritizing everyone else’s feelings and thoughts and expectations over her health, that I realized, did we break something in our society? Have we, have we forgotten? what it is to see the humanity in someone else and honor their boundaries.

How entitled have we become? And so I want to talk about that because one, this isn’t a chastising of all of us, right? Like, because there is something that we all share. And I want to be really clear about this. I don’t want us to feel guilty or weird in this emotion as we stand in it for a second, but we are all curious people.

That is humanity. I all day, I’m like, Oh, what’s the tea? Right. We all have our little, like, we want to know the, the juice, the gossip. Like that is the desire to know those things. That feeling, that inclination is super human. That is like a normal behavior to be curious. And it is normal to also feel good and to feel a release when that curiosity is satisfied.

Right. So if you’re like, man, I haven’t seen her. On her, her man on her social media for a while, right? Like, who hasn’t, look, I’ll raise my hand first. Who hasn’t known a couple, loved a couple, and noticed that they were always in stuff, see them on their social media, and then realize that, I haven’t really seen her fella in a while or whatever, and then done the scroll to be like, when was the last time I even seen them on?

Oh, she hasn’t posted him in a minute, right? Like, we’ve all kind of done that, that messy curiosity dig, right? And then we, we get the release when they finally say, Oh, we’ve had a divorce or we’re separated. And we’re like, Oh, and then we feel good because we say to ourselves, Oh my gosh, like I was wondering that thing.

And I, you know, and now I know. And, you know, so here’s where I think we’ve kind of tipped the scale after that curiosity is satisfied, if at all. Here’s what I noticed seems to be a bit of a divergence from what I grew up with. I think. Growing up, it was always kind of, oh, we wish them well, we pray for them, you know, we hope they’re okay.

Oh my gosh, that’s something. And maybe you might have in some back rooms amongst very close friends in a small group, we were kind of like, what’s going on? Are they okay? You know, or yeah, I heard she’s going through an illness and you know, whatever we need to be supportive. And usually that languaging goes around how to support, not to say people haven’t gossiped since the beginning of time, but you know what I mean.

Now? I just feel like we’re at a place where when that happens, we start doing a public speculation and then we start looking for supportive data to support our, our opinion. And then we roll with it and rewrite narratives that we think help that. So I want to take myself as an example. So I had a very long and complex divorce process, right?

And, I’d like to say that wasn’t my doing. I would like to say that, you know, it’s just that is how divorce is, right? It’s long and complex and, uh, it can be, right? And, I really took it very seriously to preserve the dignity of not just my ex, but as well as you know, what my children would have access to.

It was very important to me to keep it as private as possible. It was really important to me to not discuss with my peers, with my children, with the public, any intimate details around my relationship, around the nuances in my marriage, and if I did speak about my healing process and what I’ve gone through to really just talk about me and kind of where I am and what I’ve learned And that’s because part of my platform is sharing how I’ve grown and the lessons I’ve learned, but it’s never been a salacious thing.

So anyone who’s listened in, anyone who has tuned in consistently, both here or on Instagram or, you know, in any of my platforms, or even if you actually read my book, one of the number one pieces of feedback I get in my book is that, I love the way you maintained the dignity of your partner. Like I never revealed any like medical information or diagnosis or anything.

I just talked about the thing that happened in front of me and kind of my experiences with it. But I was always very careful to preserve the dignity of those that I write about. or that I speak about. And the reason I do that is because of something that I, a grace that I want afforded to me as well. No matter how people have shown up in my life or continue to show up in my life, it’s really important to me to extend them the grace and the opportunity to change.

And this is something that I think is missing in how we look at people on the internet or celebrities or anyone else. As they’re going through things, we are really quick to feel like we have a gotcha moment where we are, oh, I always knew there was something up with their marriage, or oh, I always knew there was something up with their health, or oh, I always knew there was something up with their body, or their business, or their money, or their whatever.

And then we, you know, look to kind of have this gotcha moment as if there are gold medals that are handed out, if you’re correct. You know, if we, if we see their suffering and we named it first, uh, we, we win. Right? And, um, and so it was really important for me to not do that because I didn’t want to create a narrative for someone that they couldn’t get out of, right?

Um, knowing that I have, you know, a platform and all that, it’s important to me that anyone in my life, my children especially, are able to write and be their own people. And to grow and change and enter new relationships and lives and worlds and careers and, and be who they are, right, and who they want to be.

Because the world we live in, you know, we can’t escape speculation. I have heard everything from, um, my current partner that I’m in a relationship with is, um, you know, doesn’t work or, you know, like, or, you know, That I pay him like you just hear the craziest things to my ex was physically abusive, which he was not categorically, you know, um, to, you know, we broke up because of cheating, which we did not neither of us at all.

I’m I’m not a cheat and I don’t cheat. That’s like not my character. I’m fiercely loyal. If you were to look at my, uh, sign, you would understand, right? I just, I do not play that. but all that being said, and, and my partner doesn’t either, or my ex didn’t either, you know, like, as far as I know, you know, that is not who he is, who he’s ever been, or who he’s ever shown himself to be.

So, um, That’s not something that happened there, but I never addressed any of those things because they just don’t, they’re nobody’s business, right? Like, it’s, it’s weird to think that that’s something that needs to be discussed, but I was shocked when, as much as I do share here, that people wanted to know more.

And that’s what I mean when I say when that curiosity transcends and, and slips into an entitlement to the knowledge and the fact that people will say, no, please hold this boundary. I am not sharing this information. And here is even the reason why I’m not sharing it because of my children, because of my own health recovery process, because of my mental state, because of whatever.

And. To only be told, well, this is the real reason you’re not sharing, and this thing must be true, and so on and so forth, right? We have got to do better. We have got to do better. When I tell you this speculation and this entitlement to pieces of people that they don’t want to share is harmful, it is dangerous, and it can actually cause people’s demise.

Some of the things that I have heard speculated about my children, about my partner, about my ex, even some of the things that people say about my ex, like I have to tell you, I may not be married to him, but I do not dislike that man. I do not wish him ill. Right. Like at all, like not even remotely, you know what I mean?

Like I do not have any, we are just not meant to be together. That is it. Right. It is not even, I don’t know if you can be with someone for that long. And like, Have like hate in your heart for them. I don’t have hate in my heart for him. There are things that I don’t like that he does to this date, but that, that’s not new.

Like even when I was married to him, I felt that way, you know? And when I hear people speak negatively about him, that doesn’t feel good. I don’t speak negatively about him myself. I, so the idea that other people take it upon themselves to say that, or even. Like phrasing like, uh, and this I’ve heard before, you got too good for him.

When I hear that on some levels, it’s offensive to me because yes, if someone improves themselves, they shouldn’t stay in a state that in a situation that doesn’t suit them, right? Like, duh, right? If you have a job that you are now, um, too skilled for, you should find a new job, right? But that’s also not what happened here because the implication that I got too good for someone is implying that like my, my ex is not good, you know?

And. That’s so unkind. It’s so unkind. And the idea that people feel entitled to details about anything is just so gross, so gross, and it’s so harmful. And, it’s not required to show up in the way that we need to show up our best in the world. In that time that Kate asked to just recover from her surgery, It took nothing of us to afford her that time.

It took nothing. We all have other things we can do. We’re all busy enough with our own lives. And the idea that we were so invested in speculating while this woman is navigating chemotherapy.

I mean, think about this. She’s navigating chemotherapy. And I pray that she had a force field around her that was keeping out the noise, but people were literally saying she was cheating on her husband. Like sit in that for a minute, sit in that for a minute. There are women who are going through divorce because they have been abused by their husbands.

And there are people saying she thinks she’s too good for him. While that very narcissist is echoing the same sentence and you are literally playing into the same harm. Like, think about that. People will hurt themselves. It is so dangerous to play that game. And then you have to ask yourself why. Why are you doing it?

What is the value? What was the value of playing that speculation around Kate’s life? Entertainment? Is that really worth it? And so all I can say is this, we have gotten into a culture where clicks and cash prevail and people will cross any line in order to acquire both of them. Frankly, they’re not even equivalent anymore.

It used to be that clicks turned into cash. People just want the clicks now. And that is sufficient, right? It’s a, it’s a, a currency of validation. That is enough. But I want to let you know, don’t play into it because if you play into this, understand that the trickle down arrives at your front door. If you continue to raise a, a child and a generation and a world where people feel entitled to cross your boundaries, Where they feel entitled to know pieces of you that are typically not Divulged and in our society have never been something that people need to know people don’t need to know how often you sleep with your Husband people don’t need to know, you know What you like to do with your husband, people don’t need to know how much money you make and the bills you have, particularly when that’s not their business.

That’s not what they do. I think that is also a huge part of what you need to be aware of. Why do you need to know about someone’s personal health and body wellness when their job is being a baker, right? If my job is baking cakes, why do you care if I got a boob job? Like we have literally gotten to a place in our society where we feel entitled to every element of someone, whether or not that is what they do.

And I have to tell you that that can arrive at your front door as well, because what I’m noticing from the next generation is that they’re starting to believe that they have to share everything publicly. When they don’t even have the brain development and filters to know what is appropriate to hold back and what is not.

So when they’re angry, they go on the internet, they share that piece, only to regret having shared that information. When they are in situations where they see a fight occurring, instead of calling 9 1 1, they take out their phone and record it. Because it matters more to get clicks and cash and they’d rather cross that boundary and, and turn what they’re seeing into entertainment because they don’t recognize that suffering is something that needs to be eradicated and not enjoyed.

And I have to tell you that we do have the opportunity to change that immediately and it starts within self. I’ve found myself now, if I’m scrolling through social media and I am triggered to say, Hey, What is this and why am I watching it? I start saying, you know what, I’m going to opt to do something else.

My energy and my mind and my brain deserves to be somewhere else. I do not need to consume things that are being fed to me in order to train and teach me to become comfortable. with boundaries being crossed. Because once you become comfortable with boundaries being crossed, then you will have your own foggy grayness around what is appropriate to share and what is appropriate not to share.

And once people can get to you that way, then you lose total control of self. I have to let you know it’s a bigger issue, and it is an issue that doesn’t just exist solely. solely with influencers, personalities, and celebrities. If your brain even says to you, well, those people chose to be public, well, those people make money.

And so that is the price they pay for being public figures. Well, that’s why I don’t want to be famous. I want to be abundantly clear. When you see video footage of kids fighting on social, everybody in that video is broke. And yet now their worst and lowest moment will be what defines them. Because people didn’t understand that they needed to get in and step in the way of suffering rather than turning it into entertainment for the masses.

Understand that this mindset that you think is exclusive to people who have elected to have public visibility will now come to you as well. And we just can’t play into it. We have to identify and call it out and say this isn’t appropriate. That we should not partake in enjoyment of suffering and, and we shouldn’t be looking at someone and projecting and, and, uh, wondering whether or not it’s, it’s good and fun to have conversation about.

It’s not. It’s gross. It’s wrong. It’s weird. Now, we can be curious. Yes. We can say, this is interesting, let’s look at a historical background of what these things might mean. That’s not uncommon, they do that politically all the time. You know, it’s not uncommon to, uh, you know, talk about what you do know. If you watch the news, this is very, like, if there’s a situation, they’ll say, here’s what we know.

And they’ll repeat that over and over and over and over again. Because that is what responsible news is. Is that is what responsible reporting is what it looks like is. Hey, we are at the scene. There’s breaking news. This is what we know. And we will report more when we know it as fact. This is what we know.

So if you’re wondering, what is the line, Nicole, to T? You can talk all day about the T that you know. Verified, fact based, actual. You cannot continue to then go into, this is what I think it is, based on things I don’t actually know. And I’m also going to bring this speculative mess to the front door of the person who is suffering.

Once you cross into that, you are becoming entitled to things that do not belong to you. You are no longer minding your business and what you are doing is harmful. And so I say all of this to say that, look, I’m practicing it also. I am the queen of unsolicited advice. Look at me right now, screaming in your ear about how we need to do better.

I need to do better too. I am not exempt. But I also will say that if we do this collectively together, we’re going to build a world that is better, not just for us, but for our kids, where our kids are going to return to a value system that isn’t based on being selfish, that isn’t based on being entitled, that isn’t based on, on crossing people’s boundaries for the sake of entertainment, because nothing matters more than popularity.

And We’re getting to a point where we need to put our foot down and say that this is what matters most. It’s why all of our kids want to be influencers, because they feel like that is what matters the most. It’s the number one job that kids say that they want nowadays, is to be an influencer or video gamer.

Like, we’re responsible. We’re responsible. Look at what you’re consuming. Analyze it for whether or not it’s your business or if it does anything and brings value to your life. And if you find yourself wanting to cross that line where you feel entitled to more information or you want to speculate publicly or even in a gossip style way or comment, resist.

Because you have no idea the harm that you could be causing upon someone that doesn’t deserve it. And even more so, you don’t want that someday to be you. Friend, we can do better together. We can grow. And I’m in it with you.