Raising Adults

Friends, get ready for a real conversation with the MidTiny (aka Kris) on what kids her age are REALLY looking for from their parents and how us parents can be confident in raising adults.

The topic we cover is so valuable because it’s actually the opposite of what we’re led to believe as parents. Before we dive into that, I’m answering a question from the DMs about when kids should start dating. My oh my, Kris’ answer may shock you like it shocked me!

Ya’ll know I love having my kids on the show and this time was no different! I hope you enjoy the Krissy update plus the wisdom she shares with us.

Let me know what resonated with you by tagging me on Instagram @NicoleWalters. Thank you for being here for this chat friend!

Nicole:
Hey, friend, so you can probably hear it in my voice today. I am so excited about today’s chat and the reason why is because I am not solo. I have a guest here that you are going to love. And how do I know that? Because I love her. Our guest today is my sweet middle baby, the MidTiny, Kris!

Hey, you. I’m so glad you’re here today.

Kris:
Thank you for having me!

Nicole:
Well I didn’t have you, have you. Like not physically, my body’s still right and tight and sweet and snatched. But you know, I had you in terms of on the podcast and in the future. I love you. I’m so glad you’re here.

Kris: Thanks.

Nicole:
Y’all, this is going to be the best chat ever, because it’s gonna be nothing but me making her cringe and you guys will feel the pain. No, y’all, I’m so glad she’s here because we are actually going to dive into some real topics. And we’re going to talk about a couple things.

So the first thing we’re going to talk about is just an update. So if you’re new around here, and you don’t know about them in tiny, and you don’t know about her amazing, incredible life and story, we’re going to touch base on that you can just get caught up, I’m so proud of my babies, that I’m always trying to give them an opportunity to share. But mostly because they are absolutely inspirational. I mean, I am motivated, moved, and I admire them so much. So it’s like an honor, you know, for you guys to get to meet them.

And then after that, we’re gonna dive into talking about a really important topic. So whether you’re a mom or an aunt or a sister, it’s really important that you guys know this and know this may be going on with the kids around you so that you’re able to help them and lean in and be a support and help drive their future in a positive way. And it was something that we’ve talked about, and we’ve gone over and we’ve grown in, and we just thought that it’d be great to take that knowledge to you too.

So it’s gonna be a great one, we’re gonna kick off with “Slide into my DMs” because this topic came in and I was like, I’m not going to answer this myself, I am absolutely going to talk to the person who I think knows the most. So you don’t know about this, Kris, because you don’t listen to my content.

Kris:
Nope. I support from a distance.

Nicole:
You support from a distance. So you support it because my content pays your bills.

Kris:
Yeah. And I support from up close too because I give you hugs.

Nicole:
That is true. I receive. You’re like, how’s that going? I see you did things.

Kris:
I send you memes. Support.

Nicole:
You’re right, I receive it. So just to let you know, and for anyone who’s listening who may not have, you know, was just tuning in for the first time or getting caught up. Slide into your DMs is where we answer your question. So if you ever have any questions for me, you can actually look in our show notes and click on the message function and leave me a voicemail we would love to hear from you. Or you can actually slide into my DMs on Instagram, Twitter, anywhere you see at Nicole Walters. Just slide into my DMs and send me a question.

So this week’s question comes from Brielle and Brielle wanted to know she’s got kids and they are in their teens. So she’s got a 13 year old, a 14 year old, a 17 year old and an 18 year old and she wants to know when is a good time to start letting them date and have those dating conversations. So I’ve got my thoughts. You know, I have thoughts. What do you think, Kris? When is a good time to date? Feel free to lean on your own experiences? Please?

Kris:
I’d say like, 13, 14 is a good age.

Nicole:
Y’all can’t see my face right now. But I am having feels. The other reason I’m having feels is we have another guest here in the room with us and it is the Puffin, my tiny one, who is 10 years old. And she can probably holler, we can hear on the mic holler say hi, everyone.

Puffin: Hellooo.

Nicole:
You see that, she’s here. And so you just said in front of your tiny sister. This little itty bitty one, that in three years? You think she can start dating?

Kris:
I don’t think it would be great. But I know it’s gonna happen.

Nicole:
Oh, Lord, I’ve done wrong. When you think you are doing it, right.

Kris:
It was good. It was good.

Nicole:
I need someone to come save me. I cannot. So on today I have a question. What is today’s date? The ninth? The ninth of June? Yeah. So today on today, June 9 2022. What has happened? You probably know. Oh, you have killed me. You have taken your mother’s life and you have said it doesn’t matter.

Kris:
No, it matters. 13, just because, okay, so pre-adoption.

Nicole:
Okay. Flashback. Flashback.

Kris:
So we’re going to talk about before the war. The before times, yeah.

Nicole:

The before times. For those you guys listening, I am an adoptive mother. I have three littles ages soon to be 11, 20 and 23. So I’ve been a mom for eight years. And this is what we refer to when we say the before times.

Kris:
In the before times, as you know, I had my first boyfriend, Matthew.

Nicole:
Yes, I remember that, we’re not name dropping.

Kris:
Oh cut that!

Nicole:
We’re not cutting. We’re not cutting nothing. Okay. Do you really want to cut?

Kris:
No, no, leave it in there.

Nicole:
[Laughing] Okay. So Matt, I just want to let you know you missed out. And I’m just kidding. Go ahead. So Matthew…

Kris:
Yeah, at age, I think it was like 12. And it was just like, Oh my God. We’re like, besties, but like, you want to kiss? But then it’s like, not really, but sometimes.

Nicole: Wow.

Kris:
Not as much like super like lovey dovey-ness because like, you guys are children calm down.

Nicole: Sure. Sure.

Kris:
Just like, Oh, this is someone that I like spending time with so if feelings grow, like outside of a friendship…

Nicole:
Right. So what you’re saying and I think this should be could be clarified for Brielle, and for any of the you know, people who are listening that basically, you’re saying that that interest in sort of having some sort of boyfriend, whatever, really starts at around that 12, 13 age mark, and then that kind of may lead into having a boyfriend or dating. Yeah, at a later point.

Kris:
Yes. Okay.

Nicole:
So I think that it might be at this point. I don’t know. Is anyone else hot? This is what parenting is like, Yeah, this is what it is. No, I think that I agree with you that it’s important. And it sounds like what you’re saying is parents need to be ready to acknowledge that these thoughts, these feelings, these ideas are going to start occurring around that age because they’re officially teens. You know, they’re not preteens anymore. We’re 13. It’s real. But that we also need to hold space for whatever our rules are, or whatever ideas are and having those conversations because dating may start occurring soon thereafter.

So okay, so I have to clear it up, I guess for Brielle and for me as well, what you’re saying is, yeah, they might like boys, but when is really the right time for them to start going out?

Kris:
Like going out?

Nicole:
See, so also y’all parents note that, you always want to clarify with your kids what they mean, because it’s true, though, right? Like stuff like hooking up. Yeah, hooking up has 15 definitions.

Kris: Yeah,

Nicole:
You know what I mean? So it’s like, you want to be clear on what it means. So dating for you means?

Kris:
It kind of varies depending on what it is.

Nicole:
So you’re saying if you’re like 12 to 14 dating is just, I like a boy.

Kris:
Yeah, it’s just I choose a boy to pay attention to.

Nicole:

Yeah, got it. 14 too 17 is like, Oh, I like a boy but we’re not going anywhere but maybe in school we might hold hands more, it might be more of a thing.

Kris:
Yeah. Or like small dates like, oh, you know, we’re gonna go get ice cream.

Nicole:
Like meet me at the park. Yeah, that type of energy. And then 17 to 20 is like…

Kris:
Okay, go outside.

Nicole:
Okay, like we go to the movies. We’re doing that. Okay, so there is a range, you know, of kind of like what makes sense. So, it’s great to clarify that and I think that may even answer your question Brielle, but for me, you know, as the child of African immigrants, as a very traditional person, dating really had to do with calendars. You know what I mean? It’s a, we, you know, go down to the local supply store and we pick out a calendar, we write a date on it.

So that’s what I think dating is. And y’all are out here playing games with my spirit. Okay. Oh, stressed. Okay. I’m stressed.

Kris:
I guess that’s where the word comes from.

Nicole:
Oh, my goodness. I cannot I cannot do this one. No kidding. No, it’s fine. No, so it’s the truth. And so when did you start dating?

Kris: 12?

Nicole:
Okay. In the before times, I meant like, when did you start going out for dates?

Kris:
Oh, like going out? Yeah. Probably like 17. Yeah. Like, yeah, like, my, like, sophomore, junior year of high school is when it’s like, oh, we’re gonna go and like, go ice skating and then see a movie? Or get ice cream?

Nicole:

Right. And so one of the things I think is worth noting is that was that was an after time was that was with us. And before you started dating, what did it look like in terms of sort of rules, expectations, you know, communication supervision, like what sort of things were in place?

Kris:
It was like, you would take me to the place that we decided to go to. And it’s like, you’d be in the building, but not like up under us. Because it’s creepy. It is creepy. Yeah. But it’s like, oh, we’re going to see a movie. Okay, I’m gonna go see the movie, like next to the theater that you guys right? And then we’ll all meet back around this later. Yeah. Or if you want to go to the mall, then after the movie, we could all go to the mall. And I’ll just like, let you guys walk around for a little bit. But if it’s dark outside, no.

Nicole:
No, exactly. Right. So like, it’s giving them room to explore and know that you know, mom’s still close, if you need anything. So. So I think that answers the question. I thought that was great. And, of course, I think more than anything, it’s important that we all recognize that everybody’s kid is different. You know, and it’s really important to have a conversation with your kid, a conversation with your partner, especially if you aren’t like a single mom, you know, to make sure you guys are on the same page, conversation with any therapist that may be in the room because you know, kids mature at different ages, and their needs are different. And I don’t know about you, Kris, but I feel like this world is maturing kids at a different age. So you know, what may have been 12, 13 for us is getting earlier and earlier. So it’s important to have those conversations.

Kris: Yeah.

Nicole:
Oh, you look a little worried yourself. You’re in a place you’re like, oh my gosh.

Kris:
I was just thinking about Ally. I was like, oh my god, I’m gonna be taking her on dates.

Nicole:
I mean, if you want to take her on dates.

Kris:
Oh, no, I’m gonna be there. Wow. Wow, I’m going to be there.

Nicole:
It’s so funny, because you don’t understand how I feel how I’m like, No, you can’t do stuff. You’re my little baby. But with your little sister, you’re like, oh, no, like I’m gonna be…

Kris:
Because it’s different. It’s different.

Nicole:
See, I love that though. I love that. I love that you guys are close. So Brielle, thanks for sending in the question. I hope that answers it. And more than anything, no matter what you decide, as long as you and your kiddo are on the same page, things are gonna go great.

So y’all we normally do “Don’t make yourself content” where we will pull from pop culture and we will chat that through and kind of figure out how to apply that info to our own lives, but today because I’m so excited to have Kris here in studio, I really want you guys to get to know her better before we dive into our topic today, which is so so good.

So, Kris, tell people about yourself. How old are you? And like, are you in school? Like, tell us a little bit about you.

Kris:
I recently turned 20 years old which is super exciting. I am, would it be a rising sophomore? No rising junior?

Nicole:
You’re basically a junior. I mean, the sophomore year is done, so yeah. It’s wild. How does it feel? Does it feel weird to you?

Kris:
Yeah. Feels weird. Like, you know the thing at the bottom of emails. Yeah. Where it’s like you’re like, oh, you know, you’re like, This is my name. Yeah. You’re like updating it? Yeah, it was like Junior. Oh my gosh, I feel old.

You feel old? Just a little. I remember when he was a wee little baby with braces. Okay. All right. See? See. See this. I feel old.

Kris:
I’m bald.

Nicole:
You are bald. That’s true.

Kris:
By choice!

Nicole:
Yes, by choice.

Kris:
Also, I am a cancer survivor, which is pretty cool. But also super hard and sometimes sad. But yeah, it’s okay.

Nicole:
It is okay. Yeah. So what you may not know is that Krissy is a survivor of stage four Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. A couple of years ago, she was diagnosed and she tackled it and crushed it. And we haven’t had any recurrence. And we thank God for that. And she is out in this world living her best and brightest. So you don’t hear a lot about survivors. You know, they don’t get the walks as much, you know, they don’t get the fundraisers, but they’re out there. And if that is something you’re struggling with, or someone close to you is struggling with have hope because it is possible to have healing. So um, so there’s that, you’re a cancer survivor, which is just one of the many things that’s cool about you.

And do you have a boyfriend? Or are you single right now or…

Kris:
You know, you know!

Nicole:
I’m just asking because you’re just gorgeous. I just know it’s gonna I just want to keep to save my DMs. I just want to say my DMs because all the mamas listening right now are like, well, you know, I’d love to set her up with my son. And so just help me out here.

Kris:
Yes, I currently have a boyfriend.

Nicole:
Oh, you do?

Kris:
He’s very nice.

Nicole: Oh, is he?

Kris:
Yes. Very sweet.

Nicole:
Is he? Yes. Okay. We should have him on the podcast. Maybe? Depending? Depending, why I wouldn’t. I would love to have a sit down with him.

Kris:
We’re very private people. Not really, haha.

Nicole:
I would love to have him on the podcast. We should definitely set something up. Do you think it’s too soon? Or?

Kris:
It feels too soon, but only like, numerically.

Nicole:
Oh, you mean you feel good about it emotionally, but just date and time wise?

Kris:
Yeah. It’s like it’s too soon.

Nicole:
Yeah, you like him? I’ll spare you. I’ll spare you. But yeah, this is like your first like, kind of realish one.

Kris: Yeah.

Nicole:
Nice. Nice. Everyone’s happy for you all the internet aunties. Everyone listening right now is like, Oh, we love it. Oh, we love it. I have met him and he is Mommy-approved. He’s a good one. So very excited about that for you. Congrats. Congrats. We’re excited for you. Because Lord knows my dating life’s a hot mess. So find me one, Lord, if you can do it for her, you can do it for me.

All that said, Great. And happy to have you here. And I know that everyone loves you. Also, you are an entrepreneur. You have your own business. So can you tell us a little bit about that?

Kris:
I sell head wraps online. It started out because it was a product that I used when I had cancer. And it was like, more comfortable for me to wear that or like, it just made me feel good. Yeah. And like, that’s just how I chose to represent myself in the moment.

Nicole:
Sure. Yeah, you were always I mean, you’re always comfortable being bald. Yeah. You already cut your hair before.

Kris:

Yeah, yeah. And that kept me warm.

Nicole:
Yeah. You were very cold. You were also very shivery. So it was like the right thing. So you started Summer Arrow, right?

Kris:
And it’s not only for like cancer patients or survivors.

Nicole:
I wear them. They look good. I wear them regularly.

Kris:
Yeah, it’s just fashion. And it’s just something that I choose to wear. And I think a lot of other people also like wearing them.

Nicole:
That’s true. So she is being modest, y’all. She opened up this business about a year ago during the summer. As legit a side hustle. It was like hey, it’s summer, let me get up a couple products to see if I can start an online business and she crossed six figures within a couple of months. So she’s being modest but she is one heck of a business owner. And I like to say she takes after her mama, you know, but it’s her work ethic. I mean, she is packaging, marketing, writing emails, handling her ship station, her bank accounts. I mean, you truly do everything yourself and I’m so proud of you. You’re amazing. Okay, so all that said, I’m so glad people have a chance to know you. I am ready to jump into our topic. So let’s get going.

Kris: Okay.

Nicole:
So y’all, this is something that I brought up a couple of times, whether it was on live or on social. And every time I bring it up, people are always saying to me, “Oh, my goodness, Nicole, I never knew this. But it is something I am going to address with my kiddos.” And I don’t want to take credit for it because it’s honestly something that came up from conversations I’ve had with my own daughter, Kris. And I can’t think of a better thing, or a better place to bring up this topic of how important it is that you like your children and not just love them.

Kris: Yes.

Nicole:
Oh, Kris, I know. It’s like, this is a biggie. And I first want to kind of put it into context of how this came up with us, basically, what you were telling me was that for in our home, you just come in, you know, throw out your bags, we started talking about whatever the thing is, but you’re saying that with your friends, it’s they come in, they go to their corner, and they may not talk to their parents.

So I asked you, why on earth are these kids not talking to their parents? Like, why wouldn’t they?

Kris:
Yeah. And my answer was because the parents and also the children, there’s a mutual love for each other and respect sometimes…

Nicole:
Sometimes, like, let’s keep it real. Maury was a show for a reason. Let’s keep it all the way real.

Kris:
But like, there wasn’t an understanding and like, just like for your child, and their personality. Like your child isn’t someone that you just hang out with, like, the way you would hang out with one of your, like, older friends?

Nicole: Sure, sure.

Kris:
But for us it is. And it’s like, oh, we’ll just sit on the couch and hang out.

Nicole:
Yeah, I mean, this the way she’s saying it now is how she said it to me then just kind of in a matter of fact way. But I know that for you know, Mama’s sisters, aunties cousins out there. That’s a gut punch. I mean, the idea that our kids could think in the quiet moments when they’re by themselves that we surely love them, but that we don’t like them. Like I even saying, it makes me move to tears, like the idea that you would ever think I don’t like you is crazy. You don’t I mean, it’s something that I actually say regularly where I’m like, I’m so lucky, because I have the best kids. Like, I don’t just love my kids. Like all of them. I actually liked them. Like, they’re people that I would choose to just hang out with if I was not related to them, you know, I like being around them. So you’re telling me that most parents aren’t communicating that vibe to their kids?

Kris:
Yeah. And even like, even when my friends like they told me like, oh, yeah, I’m gonna hang out with my mom tonight. But it would be like something like scheduled. It’s like, oh, we’re doing a family movie night.

Nicole:

Oh, it’s just like, mandatory fun.

Kris:
And it’s just like, it kind of worsens it.

Nicole:
Sure, no, I can hear that. Oh, you only want to hang out with me under these certain conditions? Oh, on their terms. Yeah. So again, that’s a like thing. It’s saying, I don’t want to necessarily, maybe, this is a better way to describe it, you can tell me from right or wrong. It sounds like what a lot of you and your friends I just say this to say that, like we’re talking about the age range of your friends or like what, like 18 to 22 that range, you know, where I think it gets a little tougher with parenting because you are more independent. It’s optional, but you’re definitely stepping into that adulthood, you know, and that relationship is a little different. But it sounds like what you’re saying is a lot of your friends don’t feel like your parent, their parents are interested in them. Like they’re not interested in what they’re doing.

Kris:
Yeah. And if it is, like, some of my friends, like their parents are like, it’s like interest. But like, on a parental level.

Nicole:
Okay, so let’s dive into that more.

Kris:
Oh, yeah, I care what sports you’re playing. I care, like, what your grades are like, and who you’re hanging out with, but only out of like, concern of your well being in, like, concern of like, Oh, are you enjoying life right now? Like, are you happy?

Nicole:
I think that the things you’re saying seem pretty, like, obvious to you. But I think for a lot of people listening this is like a really big lightbulb moment. Yeah. Because I gotta tell you as a parent, we just think that you guys are focused on your own thing and you don’t want us in your business you know, or that you are maybe like we don’t get tick tock or we don’t get you know, whatever cool thing young folk, you know, you’re taking in, you’re talking right? Yep. And and you happen, but if you don’t like whatever it is that you’re interested in your K Poppers, you know.

Whatever those things are, so it’s like we know, we’re not trying to keep up. We’re like, Oh, you guys just want to kind of do your cool thing. So here we are thinking that while we’re kind of busy about our parenting life, like our job is just worry about the checklist. We want to keep you safe. The world is fearful to us. We want to make sure you’re good mentally, but I know that for me, I’m interested in y’all because I just like your stuff. I’m like, tell me the tea who’s dating who like what do you have going on? I like that outfit. Where’d you get that you know, maybe I’m nosy and weird. I guess I did. And maybe because I’m younger.

Kris:
Yes. I was gonna say like the age difference…

Nicole:
Yeah like five years. Yeah, like a huge difference.

Kris:
Don’t, wait.

Nicole:
Yeah, it’s just the fact that I’m only five years older than you.

Kris:
As an accounting major that isn’t the math.

Nicole:
That is not the, look, nobody asked you. I did not pay you to go to school to do that type of math. Okay, ma’am. Okay, the math is not mathing on that. No, but for real I can understand what you’re saying though. It’s that energy of No, I just want to know like, What’s your favorite food? We didn’t want to do this. And so yeah, I want to tell you and I think you’ll remember one of the first things you ever said to me that made me realize I needed to be intentional about this as a parent was when we first got, like full time custody of you. And we were all living together in the same house in Maryland. And I think you were in I want to say ninth grade, or maybe it’ll maybe like early 10th. And I asked you because I asked you guys this often. I don’t know if I ask you as much anymore. But how am I doing as a mom?

Kris:
Yeah, you don’t anymore.

Nicole:
I probably should ask you more. Maybe I’m not trying to hear, like it’s okay.

Kris:
The answer is it’s okay.

Nicole:
That so? Oh, boy.

Kris:
It’s good. No, it’s fine. You’re doing good.

Nicole:
I’m trying my best.

Kris:
It’s a level 10 out of 10.

Nicole:
Oh, thank God. So I used to ask you all the time, like, how am I doing as a mom? Is there anything I can work on? You know, do you have any like feedback, you know, and, and I’ll never forget, when you told me in ninth grade, you were like, Yeah, you know, whenever I first come in from school, you start asking me kind of, what do I have as homework? And can you do this? And then I would kind of like drill into you the list of tasks. And then the first thing you said to me was, it’d be cool if you asked me how my day was, and like, listened. And I was like, Oh, my.

Kris:
Gosh is that how I asked? That sounds mean.

Nicole:
No it wasn’t mean at all. I mean, I asked you the question and gave me the feedback. And it’s, it’s informed how I’ve parented you since then because ever since that moment, I remember thinking to myself, is that really what I do? You know, because, one, it doesn’t have to be a business because I do care about her day. And how do I know if I’m not circling back to ask about her day? Yeah. And then also, if she’s asking me to do this for her, she also probably wants me to be more intentional in like, the listening about how her day is.

So it was always really important to me to not just ask how your day was but to also say, tell me more about that. And oh, what friend and is this such and such and I’ve tried to do that since then. To the point where I you guys kind of make fun of me about how I…

Kris:
Yeah, mom catchphrases. Tell me more about that, is that how you feel? Tell me more. Elaborate.

Nicole:
So it’s funny, because what you may not know, and we’ll reveal it to the masses now is part of why I say tell me why y’all can’t tell I am blushing right now I am actually because I’ve been caught by my kids, right? But the reason why I do that is because I never want to bring in this very good transition to the next part. I never want to bring my perspective or emotion, when I’m just supposed to be listening to how you feel.

Right? So like, if you’re telling me something, whether it’s a feeling about your friends, or something that’s happened or your day, I don’t want to immediately respond and make the moment about me by being like you did what? Or I can’t believe this happened? Or who is that? Like? I’d rather be like, Ss tell me more about that. Because one, more information can help me kind of calm down, if I’m feeling a feeling you know, and more information also can help you think through something if you’re trying to figure out a feeling. So that’s why I always respond that way. Because usually I’m like, Oh, I don’t know how to respond. So you know, but you tell me?

Kris:
I mean, just me personally, and I think for like a lot of kids. Yeah, it’s easier to like, tell a story when it’s like not, like, influenced by other people’s feelings specifically, like your parents feelings. It’s like, oh, how will she feel if I say this, like, say, the next detail of this story? This is gonna really affect our relationship. Well, maybe I just won’t say that part and then you just skip over it. Oh, but then the story doesn’t make sense. And you gotta jump back.

Nicole:
That’s true. Well, not just make sense but also, you may be missing out on valuable things. Yeah, from a parent perspective that’s needed. So I think that’s a great segue. So one of the outcomes of your kids not thinking that you like or are interested in what’s going on with them, is that they may hold back on telling you things that they need information on to inform their life or, you know, frankly, that just might be on their heart.

So do you think that’s like a category thing? Or do you think they’re just not talking to you at all or…

Kris:
I mean

Nicole:
And let’s just keep it real. We do talk about everything, everything and people didn’t see that side of our relationship. Like, we didn’t really show that much on the show that way. So, you know, like, what sort of things do you think that you know, some of the young folk are not talking about?

Kris:
I think they’re, most topics people hold back from their parents. Because like, it’s not that we don’t want your input. It’s just like, if we know it’s just going to be received negatively, and like full of judgment, or like, the reaction that you normally give your kids, it’s like, and I’m not trying to receive that type of energy, I’ll just go elsewhere with the information and get feedback from someone else. But we care about your opinion, right? So it’s like, we want you to listen, and like have some type of feedback, but like, not that type of feedback.

Nicole:
So you mean, it’s like it’s all in the delivery.

Kris:
Yeah, yeah.

Nicole:
And I mean, the thing that I’m hearing, like, Listen, I have, we have our relationship, but there’s also my mom hat is always present, you know, and I think one of the things we do really well in our relationship is I’ll say, okay, Mom had is going on, like, firmly did her name and like, where it’s like mom had never leaves the room. But there are some things where I’ll be like, Listen, this is I’m not playing about this for mom voice, you know, that sort of thing.

But that being said, when I hear some of the stuff you’re saying now like about going someplace else, to get the resources and stuff? Yeah, like, for me, I’m like, I hope you guys are hearing that no matter what your kids are talking to somebody, and that, your kids are talking to somebody. And so what that means is, do you want to be the type of person? Do you want to create the type of space where your kids are coming to you first, or at least in addition, for the resources they need? Or do you want your kids going to anyone and anywhere to get feedback on how to direct their life?

Kris:
Yeah, because it’s like, even if it is like their friend, or someone who has their best interest, it’s like, you’ve been in their life and around them longer. And you might have done the same thing at their age. So

Nicole:
Well that’s a conversation.

Kris:
So it’s just like, knowing like, after 20 years, I made this decision. And the these were like the repercussions of said decision right after a long period of time versus like, oh, yeah, I did that two months ago. And this is how it went for me.

Nicole:
Right? Like, as in like, adults are better resources for long range things. But you know, we need to be the type of environment where someone wants to even use us as a resource. And so what that means, and I’ll let you know, from my perspective is, I know you’re going to come talk to me about drugs, and sex and boyfriends and life decisions and money spending, and all of those things. And what you may not know is all of those things give me heart palpitations. I want to fall out every single time. Every single time. But I’ve gone to a lot of therapy.

Kris: Yeah.

Nicole:
Because I realized that a lot of those things are me issues in terms of my response to it, because the thing that I think we’ve talked about is they’re happening anyways.

Like your friends are already engaging, like usually, by the time it makes it to us.

Kris:
Yeah, it’s like it’s been like a month or two.

Nicole:
Thank you, hear that parents? So would you say it’s fair for all parents out there to realize that not talking about it is not going to keep your kid from it?

Kris:
Yeah, no, definitely not. I feel like it would only keep you from it.

Nicole:
Woah, that is good. Say it one more time.

Kris:
Or keep you from, like how the thing impacts your child.

Nicole:
That is so important y’all not talking about tough topics with your kid will not protect them, or keep them from engaging in those tough things. It will only protect and keep you from knowing about it. Yeah, that’s it right there. That is it right there. So be an environment at least helping guide you know what they’re doing.

So let’s talk about what that looks like. If you’re a parent who hasn’t already built that type of relationship, which we said the foundation of it is your kid just knowing that you are liked. What are some things that work? I know that we talk about everything literally, like, I’m sure I don’t know, all of the things I’m sure I may not know the extent of all the things and maybe that’s one part of his may not be naive to that. But I always tried to say, tell me more about that, or you know, what’s going on with you.

Kris:
So I want to point out, it’s the delivery of tell me more about that. Because, like if someone like takes away from this podcast, oh, I’m sorry, asking my kids tell me more about that. But it’s like, what I said, What do you tell me? Tell me more about that.

Nicole:
That’s a good point.

Kris:
Yeah, not to have judgment.

Nicole:
Yeah, so holding space. So when I say tell me more about that. What does it sound like? I’ll be you, Mom, I’m gonna go steal a car.

Kris:
Tell me more about that. That’s good, softer, and you’ll be like, Don’t murder anyone. So where? Where’s this car coming from? And can you tell me more about exactly what you are intending on doing? What makes you feel like you need to steal a car, Kristina? And I’ll be like, I’m just feeling rage. You’re like, what is the feeling under the rage?

Nicole:
I will say that what is the feeling behind the feeling? God, I am insufferable. I am the worst, gah, I can’t stand myself. I am tired of me. I am exhausting. No, I appreciate that. But it’s true. I see what you’re saying. It’s all about how it sounds. Like the whole thing really is about judgment is just that, you know, when were younger, and I think mamas, we did our own stuff, too. You know what I mean? We know that we are not, we weren’t always baptized is the way I’m going to describe it. Okay, there was a time before we were saved. We engaged in our own lives. And knowing that we also know what it felt like and what it even feels like now.

I’m gonna be completely honest, some of the stuff that I do, it’s embarrassing to say now as an adult. So imagine what it’s like when you’re a tiny human who’s newer to the world with big feelings, to want to go to your one person and say stuff and you’re terrified that they’re going to be like, I’m not going to like you anymore, or like you at all, or they’re going to say you’re a mess up, or you screwed up. Or this is terrible, when ultimately, all we really want is for them to be safe and happy and whole. So all that being said, let’s say a parent doesn’t have that relationship now and they’re listening and maybe they’ve listened to this with their little, you know, which if they had, hey, let’s just call this team fresh, clean start, you know, and y’all just start chatting.

But if they haven’t and they’re thinking they want to kind of get back in there. What do you think is the best approach? Is it a go to them right away and say, let’s talk, you know, or does that feel too pressured? Or is it kind of like just going in and being humble and being like, let’s hold space? Like what do you think?

Kris:
Since everyone knows the feeling of like, having like embarrassing stuff, and like not wanting to tell you, like everything that you’ve withheld from your parents? Is everything that your child is withholding from you.

Nicole:

That’s a terrifying notion. And none of us feels good about that. That’s the truth.

Kris:
And just like, imagine what you would want your parent to say in order for to help you feel more comfortable when you have to bring up those topics.

Nicole:
Oh, that’s so so good. I know that if I think about what because I’ve talked about my parent relationship, you know, on this podcast, and how like, I didn’t have a dad that I could really talk to and that I felt safe bringing anything up with. And if there was anything, I think I would have wanted, it would have been less the I literally would not have wanted them to come to me and been like, hey, so are you having sex like that would have freaked me out? Because it would have felt confrontational.

Kris: Yeah.

Nicole:
It would have been frightening. It makes my stomach flip right now and I am grown like, so it’s like super uncomfortable, I think I would probably have wanted more of an how I think I would have approached you, I think is how I’ve approached you is just kind of about every topic is just kind of, hey, if you need to talk about this, or anything, I just want you to know, like I’m here. And I’m here to help you with whatever decision you want to do, I think I say that a lot to you is just to help kind of extract the judgment from it, which is, look, I want to give you all the information, I want you to know that these are the choices that exist. And you can come back to me and ask, but whatever choice you make, this is where I can help you.

If you decide to make a choice outside of that barrier. I just want you to know that you’re going to absorb everything that goes along with that too. I think, does that sound accurate? I’m not making that up. You can call me out.

Kris:
I think that is very accurate. Like when we are talking about life choices and what I decide to do. You don’t just like, you don’t only tell the bad parts to put in, you’re like…

Nicole:
To freak out.

Kris:
Yeah, like your perspective, because it’s like, oh, yeah, you could do these things. These are the bad things. But also, here’s the good things. And it’s like, they don’t really balance out but choices are choices.

Nicole:
Yeah choices are choices. And it could be better than then we hope you don’t I mean, like so let’s use an example. Because I think real world examples always help people. You came to me recently, and this is something that I don’t think I told you that the time was tough for me, but I accepted it. You came to me recently and told me you were thinking about moving out. And I remember, you know, it’s kind of a running joke sort of on my social and you know, the TV show and stuff that I want you to move out, but the truth is, and I think every Mama knows this, I would have you up under me till you were 45 You know what I mean? Like you are my baby. I am all for it. I’m not taking a little boyfriend of yours. Awesome, but I would keep you right.

So, when you came to me, it was tough because I was triggered like, I had my feels, you know, my feelings were, am I not a good mom? Does she not like being here? What did I do wrong? Like, that was my personal junk. But I knew that I needed to hear more about like, what is it that you want to do?

Kris:
I’m glad you didn’t express that. Because Oh, really, because I was already nervous about like, moving out and like telling you like, oh, I want to move out. Sure. Because I’m like, Oh, she’s gonna feel like, I don’t love her anymore. And I’m just gonna go outside and be crazy, do hood stuff with my friends.

Nicole:
That’s so interesting. That’s how you’re feeling? Yeah. I would have felt that way. But I know you did.

Kris:
Yeah. It wasn’t like that’s my feeling. Yeah, it wasn’t.

Nicole:
That’s not the truth of it. You know what I mean? It’s just how I would feel, you know.

Kris:
Yeah. And it’s like, a conversation that we had later on. But it wasn’t like in the moment you didn’t make the Oh, Krissy wants to move out about Oh, mom feels like this, because Krissy wants to move out.

Nicole:
Right. Right. I think how did that conversation go? I think the next thing I said was, okay, so I think I probably said, Tell me more about that.

Kris:

Yeah, you were and then I was like, oh, yeah, you know, just thinking because of like this, this and this thing I want to move out. But I still want to be like close to home. And you helped me like… what’s that word?

Nicole:
Like know all your options? I put options in front. Here’s what I recall, I remember saying, if you want to move out, great, you can move on campus, you could get a place, you could do this. You could stay home, you probably want to run some math on that.

Kris:
Yeah, basically, like strategize according to what I personally wanted, when it came to like, oh, the feeling of moving out.

Nicole: Right.

Kris:
And you know, it was just nice, not having like judgment around it.

Nicole: Sure.

Kris:
Because I already know that like moving out is like a thing.

Nicole:
Yeah, it is. It is a thing. It is a thing. And so for those guys listening, I want you to know from the mom’s side of it and presenting that it’s hard, because you’re basically trusting that your kid will make the right call. And you have to accept that if they make a different call, right call doesn’t necessarily mean your call, but you’re hoping that they make the right call for them. So whenever I present all the options to my kids, I try to be as honest about it as possible. But I try not to push them one way or another because I have to trust that I have raised good kids. So there’s no way that you can say that you both have raised good kids, but you also are judging all their decisions. If you think you’ve done a good job, let let the good job show.

Kris:
Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole:
So I mean, like, I can honestly tell you, Kris, one of the things I’m so proud of with you is that whenever I put things in front of you always you don’t always make the decision I would make. But you always make a decision that I think is smart, well informed, properly planned, and something that you can live with and you’re willing to accept responsibility for. So I’m always really proud of you for that. Like in the moving out situation, you decided to it was a kind of a compromise, like, I’m going to stay home, but I’m going to revisit this later, I think was the decision.

Kris: Yeah.

Nicole:
And but we’ve had times where I think even during your chemo treatment, there was a question about your care. And, and I was like this decision is yours. And what I did was I made sure you understood it, you know, I like what they were saying and all of the pieces, and you actually went in a direction that was completely different from what I would have done, you know, but you said you felt safe and comfortable to do it. Do you regret it?

Kris: No.

Nicole:
Yeah, exactly. So I mean, it’s like, I think that a lot of times as parents, we worry so much that we want to control our kids’ decisions. And we forget that if you’re able to just at least inform them and let them have the decisions in front of them. If you’ve shown up and put your good stuff in them and been a great example, like they’ll choose what’s right. And if they don’t, they’ll figure it out. Because you’re not my only kid, right. And I’ve got kids who decide to do what they want all the time. And they’re living their choices.

Kris:
Life is gonna be hard either way so just be a good parent so that you can help your child navigate through whatever hard they choose.

Nicole:
Oh, that’s so good. And I think we can close on that note. Oh, my goodness, Kris, I’m just I’m trying to have a super mom moment. You know, Hi. Um, you know, I’ve oh god if you guys can see her face. She’s just like CRINGE CRINGE, I just love you so much and I am so proud of you and I am so grateful.

I say this all the time I say it to you, but it is such a privilege to get to be your mom. Like I can’t even believe you allow me to do this and it has helped me grow because I’ve had to learn patience [laughing] and that has served me well in a lot of places. But I also have a good time with you you’re like one of my best friends and I love hanging out with you and I’m excited to see what the future holds. Thank you for lending your knowledge and your gifts to everyone listening and y’all send my baby well wishes you know, and I hope that this helps all of your babies as well. Thank you so much for being here and listening and next week is going to be good too.

 

In this episode, Kris and chat about:

• When teens should be allowed to date and what Kris did in the “before times”
• What kids are wanting from their parents and how it may not be what you think,
• The tough conversations we have to have when raising adults,
• How to connect with your kids without being judgmental, even when it’s hard, and
• An update on what Krissy is doing in life!

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook and Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss episode 30 from season 1 where I talk about MidTiny’s cancer journey
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.