Season 4, Episode 4: Showing up on EMPTY!

Season 4, Episode 4: Showing up on EMPTY!

SEASON 4, EPISODE 4

SHOW NOTES

Friend, I know that we are similar in that we want to show up and give our all. This mentality, to show up as if you’re Beyonce at a stadium performance EVERY TIME, has earned me a multi-million dollar business but at a cost. I was chronically late and showing up on empty.

I’ll skip ahead and say as I unlearn this behavior, I am still accomplishing all I want.

In this chat, we talk through how to give the show of your life without paying for it with your life.

I have so many lessons to share here friend – don’t miss it!

Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeartRadio, or Watch on Youtube

Season 4, Episode 4

Nicole:

Friends, we have been having the best chats in season four. When I said unfiltered, when I said, we’re gonna get right to it, I mean it and the same thing is gonna happen here today.

I want to talk about, you know, first, honestly, how I’ve been showing up halfway in some spaces, and I want to talk to you and hopefully, you know, inspire and push and encourage and give you tools to stop doing it yourself. You know, one, I do want to, obviously start with grace. A lot of us have been showing up part way in certain spaces, because we’re just exhausted. Not only is it the end of the year, but life demands a lot of us. And if you listen to, you know, one of our earlier episodes this season where I talked about, you know, having entitled people around you and being a chronic fixer and emphasizing your boundaries, you know, all these things are taxing to us, and they cause a lot of drain. But I have to let you know, one of the byproducts of that is that we go into spaces, and we are less than our best selves.

So one of the things that I’ve been working on, is that my chronic lateness, you know, if you already know me, or if you’ve been around me, you know, I am chronically late. And, you know, I will explain the sort of the why of why I’m late. But it certainly is an excuse and one of the things I’ve really learned is that whether there’s a reason for it, or an excuse for it, or, you know, some sort of validation for the behavior, you’re still responsible to change it, right? And not being late is something I’m actively working on in 2024.

Now, I realized that the reason why I was late to or am late, you know, often to so many things that I have improved tremendously, is because I overschedule myself. I mean, literally, I see the symptom of so many other behaviors: wanting to do so much and be so much and help and over committing and being overly generous. And also allowing people to push my boundaries, which happens on calls, I let people go 10 minutes too late, or I get them out of my office a little late, all of those things, you know, all of that is a byproduct of me learning to be a reformed people pleaser and learning to protect my energy. But the manifestation of that for the longest time was that I was late all the time, whether it was 10 minutes, 15 minutes an hour 30 or having to cancel because I just was not going to pull it through, you know, getting out of the door was so difficult because I was just living life booked! Meeting to meeting, it was just overwhelming. And what I found, you know, and what you may find when you are entering spaces where you have to perform, whether it’s work, parenting, you know, even a relationship or a date is that when you arrive, you’re less than your best self and a lot of that has to do with the preparation or the boundaries or expectations that you had room you were to be ready for.

And so what I found, especially with the lateness and showing up on time, is that I have to say to myself, it’s more important that I’m on time, you know, than it is that I’m perfect. And that’s been a really hard thing for me to admit because I always thought well, wouldn’t they prefer, you know, they meaning the meeting, the opportunity, the person that whatever, that I show up, looking my best and, you know, maybe having the gift perfectly wrapped or, you know, showing up with whatever, you know, I was always worried that that would be seen as worse, if you will, than me, you know, showing up late, but the truth is, me arriving is enough, right?

And when you start to recognize that your presence, your knowledge, your gifting is the primary thing and it’s sufficient, it really does help with stripping away some of the worry and the concern about showing up in the perfect way.

Now, I say all of this to say that I talked about this in my book, I have a chapter, hapter four where I talk about showing up as if the room is a stadium. And when I wrote that chapter, you know, the story that I referenced in there, and if you’ve read it, you already know about this. But one of the things I referenced in there is, you know, in building my business, a lot of my success came from the way that I served. And I say all of this, because full circle, right, I’ve had to reform the way that I serve, in order to sustain and I want you to know that, you know, for those who who are cringing right now, at the idea of, oh my gosh, I’m going to have to show up to this big thing and be less than perfect. Oh, goodness, what if it’s not successful, perfection paralysis, right? You know, I want to let you know, full circle, I want to affirm to you that it’s working. I’m doing less than getting more, you know, people are happy, yada, yada, yada.

So I’m taking you to the end to give you a little bit of ease, but letting you know that for a long time I operated under, you know, anytime I would show up, anytime I was in any room, anytime I would go anywhere, nothing was more important to me than making sure I performed as if I was Beyonce in a stadium.

And the way that I defined that was by leaving all of me on the floor. And I don’t know how many of you have heard that statement or that phrasing before, like, leave it all on the court, leave it all on the field, you know, leave it all on the board room, get out there and give, give, give, give give until you have nothing left. And that’s typically coupled with that is how you win. And even more. So it’s coupled with, if you do that, that is how you know and can sleep at night, no matter the outcome.

Now, I know some of you right now are like yeah, like that is what it is. And you know, I talked about it in the book, and I kind of want to sort of double down but clarify, right? And what I was referencing in the book, and if you’ve read it, you understand, but I want to call out for you here is, in that languaging I really feel like it can be harmful, especially if you don’t understand how to do it in practice. And even worse, if you’re the type of person who already has an inclination or propensity or habit of being an over the top giver and doing the entire most, someone telling you that it is appropriate for you to give until you have nothing left and that is the only way to assure that you’re going to feel good enough about what you did, is so detrimental to your well being. And easily is the type of language that I think, at least for me, you know, instantly indicates that this is not healthy, you know that this is not well.

We should never be asking everyone to give their last to anyone. And, you know, using, you know, being totally raw and honest about it, you know, I think about my divorce, you know, anyone who’s been through a divorce or a breakup, you know, will easily say, Yeah, you know, I just wanted to make sure I had nothing left. You know, that’s common languaging, or I just wanna make sure I did everything. And I want to be able to rest my head at night and say that, you know, I did everything. And, you know, I’ve echoed that as well. And I do feel like I did all that I could, you know, but I would be completely and entirely lying if I said that I didn’t leave with just a little bit left in me.

And I know, some people are gonna hear that and feel the way that they feel about it but I’m okay with it. You know, and, and when I say that I had a little left. And I want to offer that clarification because I think it’s important because I want you to understand the context of what it looks like to really show up as if the room is a stadium and give it your all, leave your all on the field, but also have a little bit left and still be okay with it. What I’m referring to is, I left with something for me. I don’t have to give, and you don’t have to give, all of yourself and all that you are to your work to your children, to your spouse, to your family, to your friends. You are not responsible to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. And that mindset, that concept that not only should you do that, but that is what’s required so that you can feel good at night, I just want to ask you, friend… So many of you are doing this already. You’re already giving all of yourself to every place that you are, you’re doing all the things all the time for all the people. How do you feel? Do you feel rested? Do you feel like there’s an end in sight to this behavior? Do you feel like you’re improved? Do you feel like you’re getting back a fraction of what you’re putting out in all those spaces where you’re showing up that way?

If you are saying to yourself that’s not the case, I want to let you know that you can decide today to reserve a little bit for yourself. And that there’s nothing wrong with that. Because understand that if at any point in time, those spaces, those stadiums don’t get filled, or those people don’t return the efforts, you and you know, by extension, as a mother, in particular, your babies are going to need you to get back to the top. And when I tell you, I gave my marriage, and the divorce product, by extension, a lot of people don’t talk about how much that takes out of you, after dealing with the process of a breakup, I gave it everything I had, except what I needed to continue. And I’m proud of myself for doing that. And the reason I’m proud of myself for doing that is I had clients in town this week. I run a small, I think the commonly understood phrase is mastermind. But, you know, I really considered a group of… a collective, you know, group of women who are seeking to have proper corporate consultative business support, but really do it in a space that is safe and healthy and balanced between, let’s push ourselves to be OUT best, but also recognize that’s going to vary in the world, right?

So I had these women and you know, we’re all in LA, and we get into the boardroom, we do the work, but we also have great communal fellowship. And, you know, it was so interesting because I started off our session by saying, y’all, I’m in my bag right now. And I gotta tell you, I’m not even sure if I know what that means. It’s what the kids say, right? I’m in my bag. And I’m pretty sure it means, you know, for the cooler people out there who already know and are like, Girl, Nicole, stop, you know. But for those of you who don’t know what that means, it basically means, you know, I’m like, in my season, like I’m in my work, like I’m showing up so, so well in so many spaces. But after I said that to them, I defined what that meant for me, right? Because so many people hear in your bag, and they mean like, Oh, you’re making tons of money, you’re super fit, you’re like getting all the opportunities, you’re crushing it, yada, yada. And yeah, some of that is definitely true. And I’m grateful thank you, Lord, more please, right?

But “in my bag” means I am affirming my boundaries, I have a healthy relationship where we are having regular conversations and growing together, my children are thriving, they are expressing themselves and using their voice. I am confident about who I am and where I am, and where I’m going. I feel proud of my relationships, and that I’m showing up in them as my most honest self, and I am doing excellent work and helping my clients and they are actively getting results based on the work that they’re doing with the direction and guidance of me. I am in my bag.

And understand that there are times where my bank account looked different. My material goods looked different, my marital status looked different. And other people would have said I was in my bag, and I wasn’t.

And when I tell you, recognizing what it looks like, and defining for yourself what it looks like to show up your best but not in exhaustion is the place, it’s the thing, it’s the task, it’s the work, it’s the most important thing you can do going into 2024.

We chatted a couple of weeks back about you know, how everyone, especially in this season, is going to try to tell you what you’re missing, what you lack, what you don’t have, and what and then try to sell you what you need to fill that gap. And you know, as we’re kind of winding down and stepping into the new year, I’ve been having this conversation with a lot of my, you know, client’s about resolutions and resolving to fix something in you that is not right. And I just want to extend to you what I’m extending to them and what I’ve adopted for myself. You know, if nothing’s missing, and nothing is broken, and if all that I have to work with going into 2024 is what’s in front of me, in order to optimize and be better and to grow and I’m not resolving to change anything because nothing about me is wrong or broken, you know, it’s just growing and evolving, well then what would I do differently? What would I do with what’s in front of me?

So instead of saying to yourself, I’m looking externally at what I need to add: a gym membership, a new planner. If you can’t do or get or be or gather a single thing, if you had to live in your body that you have right now at the weight that it is, right, for another year and just say hey, this is where I am and this is who I am. And I have to love myself in this season, while still showing up, right, to that stadium and being great at doing incredible work and serving well, what do I need? And how can I use those things around me in order to do so.

And just as an example of that, you know, if I weren’t able to have a single thing but needed to show up every day for my clients and do the work and make it to the office and be on time, what do I need? I need to affirm my boundaries. I need to communicate well with my partner and my children around what my capabilities are and where I need help. And when I tell you, those are things that I have the ability to use and exercise right now you have so much in front of you right now. And the world has tried to convince you that the thing that’s going to get you ahead is missing, and that you don’t aren’t even worthy of that stadium, you aren’t worthy of the applause if you don’t show up and expend all of yourself, and I just want you to turn inwards, to look immediately around you and say what do I have to get what I need, without giving all that I’ve got, and and know that there’s so much enoughness that resides in that.

I look at kind of what the holiday seasons have been bringing, and this past month, I thought it would be a lot slower, right? There’s this conception that we start to slow down as we wind out the year. But I’m sure you feel the same way. It’s still been crazy. I don’t feel like I’ve had any slow up kind of like summer break, where you’re like, hey, if you’re meant to summer, it’s like, no, like, turn up the kids are here, right? And, you know, I’ve had clients in town, I was in Miami for Art Basel, and I hosted a dinner there where I got to meet so many of you in person, which was really beautiful. And just so you know, if you just look out on the Nicole Walters website and keep up with me on social, I’ll be coming out to, I think San Francisco might be next on the list, and we’ve got Chicago on deck and just hosting really small dinners, you know, 15 or so people. It’s not like a bajillion trillion dollars, literally, we’re, you know, I’m not getting paid for them, we just sit down and hang out, you know, and it’s been really meaningful. So just keep an eye out, if you want to come to one of those dinners and want to hang with, you know, with me and some of your besties for a couple hours. But, you know, I’ve been darting around, you know, the country having these dinners, and I thought it would be quieter this season. It just isn’t. And on top of that, you know, I’ve been making sure I’m catching up on my chats here with you and I’ve been in my office kind of closing out some projects I’m working on for TV and media. And, you know, I’ve also been making time to see friends and gift shopping and all these things and I say all this to say that, you know, I am not this is hard to say out loud, but again, real, unfiltered, whatever, you know, my little one, Puffin, was like, she said this thing this past week that really kind of like, hit me up my core and it was like a little mommy check if you will. And I’m proud of her for using her voice. And I’m proud that we fostered a home where she feels comfortable saying this, but she was like, Oh, Mom, are you staying out again tonight? You know, I don’t mean staying out like partying. But you know, like, I’ll be working late tonight. And I was like, Yeah, you know, I’m gonna be at the office till seven, which means I’ll be home by bedtime, you know, but in the home and time to give you your hug, and then you got to go to bed, you know? And she was like, Oh, well, do you think I can stay up late, then maybe? And, you know, kids won’t always say exactly what’s going on and you know, I’m also that type of mom, maybe I’m reading a smidge too much into it, because I do worry. And I always want to do my best, you know, Mom duty for her. But, you know, I picked up that maybe I’d, you know, shown up just at bedtime or a few minutes before and we weren’t getting as much of our recap time in the past, like maybe two weeks or so. And I knew an adjustment needed to be made, you know, and what was interesting was me of three years ago, would have beat myself up because I wasn’t showing up in my parenting, you know, as if it’s a stadium, even if it’s just one little baby, you know, what I mean? versus my three girls and my big old house and all that, you know, I was like, Oh my gosh, I’m not giving my all to her.

And what was interesting was, yes, that moment, kind of like, shook me a little bit, because I was like, Oh, I’m getting out of balance, I’m getting out of balance. But then I said to myself, girl, grace, okay? Because one, you didn’t give your all to any one of the other places you were in, which means that you have some to give here. And because if we’re going to have to double duty double dose this one, just to make sure she feels a little bonus love. But this is normal because every place you’ve been in has been necessary, worthy and relevant, you know, Mom has been bringing home the paychecks to make sure that we can pay for summer camp and private school and activities because you know, 12 going on 13 going on 15, you know, all of y’all know there’s so much that they’re doing and aside from that, you know, I’ve been performing really, really well. Like I said, I’m in my bag, you know, like really, really well in all of these spaces, you know, which means that you’re probably going to get a little off kilter and other ones and that’s what I mean when I say it’s so important to save just a wee bit because you may have to pour some bonus in an area and sometimes that area is you and it’s important that you have that little bit left, so you can apply it.

So friend, just and I’m hoping some of you’re watching this on YouTube, because I know that, if you don’t know, we are recording all of these for the full chat is on YouTube. And we’ve had such great feedback where everyone says that, you know, being able to look each other in the eye and kind of sit across from each other, that these shots really are feeling like two friends sitting now with coffee, and it just makes me so happy because I do love this time with you but I just want to know, if you’re sitting and you’re seeing my face and this, I really hope you’re hearing and feeling my heart in what is possible, what is possible when you are really leaning into who you are without asking yourself what you lack.

And more than anything, I know that we’re goal driven people. I know that we have a lot on our minds around what we want to be and how we want to show up and we do want to be in that room shining, you know, we do want our name on the board with a gold star sticker next to it. And we do want our kids to say that we’re good moms, and we do want, you know, our partners to say that we’re good wives, and all of that is a beautiful thing but I want to encourage and empower you to know that part of being bold, is starting that definition of what is good enough by writing it yourself and recognizing that that is how you want to show up in the room because it’s not sustainable. You know, if Beyonce got in front of the crowd every day, doing a full on gymnastics routine, you know, and she’s like, I’m no gymnast, you know, like, after a while she’s gonna burn out or break something. And, you know, she really had to figure out the parameter of what empowers me to be a mom, still be a business owner, deliver a show that’s gonna, you know, have people dropping their jaws, but you know, allow me to still be able to get up and do a second night. So believe it or not all of us felt I say all of us, right? Anyone who’s seen the movie, or watch the show, all of us felt like we got her all on the night that we went. But I want to tell you, the big aha moment that I’m hoping you’re resonating with here is we did not, because if we got her all she couldn’t do it again. And the same thing applies to each of us.

As we get into this world and accomplish our goals, we need to recognize that we are permitted to reserve something for ourselves so that we can continue to show up tomorrow. And even better, as we’re starting to define things for the coming year, I want you to make sure that you are doing that definition for yourself and that the big bold life that you are stepping into and that you greatly deserve is one that you know you can show up in consistently, sustainably, and completely.

The stadium is yours for the taking and it’s yours for the keeping. Make sure that you have a plan in place so that you’re giving the show of your life and not paying for it with your life.

Friend, I’m so grateful that we get to share stories here and I’m so grateful that we get to grow together.

Hop in my DMs and let’s talk about how we’re doing the work.

 
In this episode, we chat about:
  • Why I was always showing up on empty (and chronically late!)
  • How people pleasing and over-giving tendencies contribute to this problem,
  • What we can do INSTEAD of giving everything our all, all the time,
  • Why I’m okay with not giving my previous marriage MY ALL, and
  • How I’m approaching my business and life with these lessons

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:
  • Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
  • Send me a DM on Instagram and Facebook!
  • Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
  • Don’t miss our last chat on how I stopped fixing everyone else’s problems – Listen here!
  • I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Season 4, Episode 3: My Biggest Problem!

SEASON 4, EPISODE 3

SHOW NOTES

This chat is for all my Fixers. I’ll be the first one to raise my hand when it comes to helping a hand (and admitting that it’s my biggest problem!)

If you find yourself fixing other peoples’ problems, lean in friend because we are about to CHAT.

The good news is that we don’t have to cut these people out of our lives. In fact, they may be GOOD people that haven’t learned how to fix their own problems.

Friend, this habit can damage relationships and damage your health but there IS another way. There’s a peace in letting others fix their problems and we’re chatting about it today.

Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeartRadio, or Watch on Youtube

Season 4, Episode 3

Nicole:

Friend, do you consider yourself to be a giver? And here’s what I mean by that. Do you consider yourself to be a person who, overall, if someone needs something and you’re able to do it within reason, you’re likely going to be a person who shows up.

And you don’t have a problem extending yourself and helping and if anything, sometimes a giver to a fault. You’ll make the spreadsheets, you’ll send the links, you’ll show up, you’ll check in, you’ll be the accountabili-buddy, right, you’ll do all the things. Well, I want to tell you, that’s me all day. Right? I will give to a fault. It is a problem, right.

And I talk about this in my book, Nothing is Missing, how I am a reformed fixer, you know, that I’m constantly working on limiting myself. So I don’t burn out, right? And I’m hoping that you’re working on that too, especially with all the chats that we’ve had.

But I want to talk about somebody, that’s a huge trigger for me, and how I am answering it. And how it’s manifested in my life. And if this is something you’re struggling with, I need you to lean in, because you may not even be aware of how this is, not just damaging your relationships, but also damaging your health. So if you tend to be someone who has a heart to give, it also is really likely that you are triggered by entitlement. And you know what I’m talking about. 

Entitlement is the person who feels like they are owed aspects of your life, that what you’ve worked for is not yours solely, but they are allowed to eat off of it. And when I say this, I’m not just talking about money, so hear me clearly on that. Entitlement can extend to time. It can extend to private information, it can extend to relationships. It can extend to just your presence. I mean, truly, entitlement can manifest in a lot of ways and if you’re someone who gives true all that you have, you know where you’re like, I don’t hold back. When you get something from me, you’re getting the best of my work. You’re getting me showing up completely. And I’m probably giving you a little more than I have right? The shirt off my back situation.

It can be so frustrating. I mean, we’ve all been there. Right? How many of us have spent or been? And I’m not kidding, you can raise your hand, you know, lean in on this one. You know, how many of you have been in situations where a friend has asked you to do something? Girl, can you help me set up the baby shower, and you get in there and you realize your friend can’t do it. I know you’re nodding your head right now, you’re like, they don’t have anything figured out. They haven’t figured out a cake. And you start realizing partway in that this friend is asking you to do this not because they can’t do it themselves but because they literally don’t know how. They don’t know where to start. And it wasn’t just an issue of, yeah, I just need your help. But it’s an issue of like, I don’t want to do it, and you’re the better person to do it.

And let’s just be clear, not everyone who does this is doing it intentionally to be a taker. But this may just be how they have learned to navigate life. Hear me on that one, you may have takers in your life, that present as nice, kind, reasonable people, and frankly, may even be that, but they just don’t know how to interact in the world where they take care of themselves. I know a good number of people like this, who are literally ineffective adults. They just don’t know how to adult. Understand that adulting and growing up is just your age, it doesn’t mean that you have matured, it doesn’t mean that you have grown in mindset. I know full grown men and women who expect other people to pay their bills, to handle their responsibilities, to fill out the paperwork, to show up. That they have never in their life, had their own place, had stuff that Mommy didn’t take care of, like literally that are just this and get this I don’t even say any of this in a, you can probably hear the tone of my voice, I hate entitlement, right?

But I don’t even say this in a way where they’re good or bad, per se, people don’t understand you can be both right, you can be a good person. And this literally is who you are. Because you do not know how to show up differently in the world. The world has trained and created a situation where that is the only way this person knows how to interact. To the point where and this is where entitlement comes in, they are offended when the world reminds them that that’s not appropriate. And that anytime that you take it’s because somebody else is doing. Like the only way there’s even room to take, is because someone else is working.

So if you are on the giver side of this, it’s crazy because going back to this example of the friend who may not even realize that they’re asking you to come in and do the whole thing. How frustrating is it when you finally make it happen? And you walk in? And then the person is like, oh, was this the only color of blue they had for the balloons? I know some of you right now are like cringing because you’re like, GIRLLL, right? Or they are you come in, and they’re just like, oh, they only had chocolate cake. And you’re like, I know you are not, you did not a single thing. And you want to sit here and tell me. Like, if you have ever felt that feeling, first of all, that person who came to mind, hold them for a second on the shelf, because we’re going to talk about how to handle that, right. But I’m telling you right now, I have been there.

I have people in my life. And honestly, again, going back to people not even knowing, I’ll get clients sometimes I’ve gotten employees sometimes who will literally want to complain about a circumstance, about an offering, about an opportunity and they don’t even realize how rare it is. 

Heck, if you’ve ever had teenagers! Teenagers will sit there and fix their face and complain to you about something you’ve done or not done and they’re not even going to realize until they’re 30 with their own kids, I probably did it to my mom, that what they had was so much. It was beyond. They don’t even understand the extent of what it takes, right? So I say this again, to say like, you know, some people just don’t even know because this is just how they relate in the world. So knowing this, right?

And knowing that we all have these moments that were said, I know you’re sitting here right now like Yes, girl, yes. And I have these people in my life girl, yes. What is your responsibility and response to the entitled takers in your life? Because there is a truth that exists. And the truth that exists is that life, the living of life, is the meeting and solving of problems. That is the point of life.

Everything you encounter all day is a problem to solve. Whether it is something as simple as I’m hungry, and I need something to eat, or something as complex as what is my purpose? And how can I show up in the world? Every single thing you do is solving a problem. And when you look at measure how effective someone is in adulthood, it is simply a measurement of how they respond to problems? How quickly, how effectively and how correctly? And what is their exposure to problems? And how do they respond to them when they are exposed to something new. That is all that adulthood is. We love to measure adulthood by how much money you have what you look like your relationships, your accolades, your degrees, it’s not, it’s how good are you at problems. And it’s why it’s so important that we want are raising kids and blah, blah. But that’s another conversation for another day. Right? Problem solving is key.

So whenever you have those entitled takers in your life, you’re going to notice that it’s not just a scenario of Gosh, I’m so tired, because they’re ungrateful. Or Gosh, I wish they’d really work or whatever else. It’s not that it’s that we feel triggered and frustrated, because you’re looking at us to solve your problems. And they are your problems. And if we’re not letting these people get trained at the meeting and solving of their own problems, we’re not letting them live their lives.

So friend, in talking about this, and thinking about this, as you’re taking this person on the shelf that I asked you to hold for a moment that you’re thinking of right now, who is in your life that you’ve just kind of accepted as being the person that you’re always going to have to pitch in for, they always kind of helping that is the red alert. And that can be anyone from your kid, to your sibling, to your spouse, to your best friend, to your coworker, anyone that you feel like you’re always running in, especially if there’s a lack of appreciation or awareness around how you show up. How are you responding and what is your response to it?

So I’m going to talk about myself for a minute, I’m gonna tell them myself. My response in the past to entitlement was terrible, terrible. It’s something I’ve worked on in therapy for years. And I still feel vestiges, little small pieces of it show up at times, but I’ve gotten much better at it. My response to entitlement used to be to go off. I would be baffled when the employee would come to me and ask for a raise when they don’t perform well, when they don’t understand their job, when I had to train them to do their job and they don’t perform well in it but then they’re asking for a raise or a title change to a different job. Like, you can’t be serious right now.

Anyone who knows me who’s my friend, or anyone who’s ever worked with me in consulting or anything like that knows that that is like a phrase I’ll say like you cannot be serious right now. Like because I am genuinely and entirely baffled by that response. And understand that like, you have probably said that in relation to someone coming in and criticizing your work that you did for them and solving their problem. You’re like, you can’t be serious right now, because it’s baffling that they don’t understand the context around it.

But two things can be true. While it may be baffling that someone doesn’t understand how much work you put in on the day in and the day out to meet and solve their problems, it can also be true that it is not their job to understand that, and you don’t need to make them understand it, in order for you to adapt how you show up. You can rewind back on that 10 seconds and listen to it again. And I’m gonna repeat it again, just so you hear it twice, right?

This for the people in the back. It is possible for two things to be true, that you are shocked that they don’t understand how entitled they are and it is also not their job, or needed for them to understand how entitled they are for you to change your behaviors.

You are only responsible for you. When I would be angry, upset, frustrated, shocked, baffled at the expression of entitlement from people in my life in various ways, shapes and forms. My response to that was often anger, anxiety, frustration, disappointment, all sorts of things that had to do with feeling like I must have lost control or been confused about how something was being received.

How is it possible that we both had a mutual understanding around the outcome and the problem that needed to be solved, at least I thought we did, but yet now at the finish line I’m hearing something different? And that was such a trigger for me, because you know, and this is, I talked about it in my book, growing up with a parent who, you know, was a narcissist, you know, confusion is, is one of their tools, right? And clarity is something that you think will help solve it, but it doesn’t because narcissism is so much bigger than that.

And having had a parent that dealt in confusion, I often would pick people in my life that also deal in confusion. So it wasn’t uncommon to have a situation where we would not be on the same page about the outcome of the results and I would go to work to try to solve their problem only to have them critique or not show up on their end, you know, based on what is understood and then act further entitled to a solution.

And if all of this is ringing true for you, friend, I want to let you know, shortcut to the therapy, although therapy is always recommended, shortcut to the therapy. If you are a giver who is struggling with entitled people in your life, the answer is not trying to solve or change or help or fix or get through to those people. Do you hear me now, on today, friend?

You are caught in a cycle of trying to fix things for people and fix those people who are not satisfied with your fixing. Okay? You want to talk about the definition of being a fixer, you are caught in this cycle, and then it is triggering you and you’re getting angry and it is frustrating and exhausting. The answer is to fix yo self. That is the only thing you’ve got.

When you get that act out response where an entitled person is dissatisfied with the boundary you set or the work that you did, or the fact that you’re not showing up in a way that they would like, and their response is to be disrespectful, to be rude, to criticize, to be otherwise inappropriate, you know, to to engage in things that are far reaching or unnecessary. It is so tempting based on your maybe I could get through to them, and maybe they can understand that, you know, I helped I did this, I did that, you know, it’s a sign of growth, when you’re able to say I don’t have to engage that. And I can actually just affirm my boundaries.

And it’s a beautiful thing that is deeply freeing, because you’re able to also say, you know what, I did what I could, I’m sorry, that disappointed you, you’re allowed to be disappointed, this is what I can do. And this is how I’m moving on. And furthermore, you can make a mental note to say to yourself, I’m not going to repeat this by finding people in my life who are like this. I’m not going to engage in this type of work. And I’m going to hold true to the boundaries of not doing this again.

Friend what would your life look like if in all of the situations where you have entitled people who are asking for excessive support and not showing gratitude for it, instead of you carrying that frustration, that anger, that disappointment that hurt even, you said to yourself, I’m not going to spend any energy explaining why what they did was frustrating or difficult or disappointing to me but instead, I’m going to turn that energy inwards to affirm my boundaries, get clear on the fact that I’m not going to help in these ways. And I’m going to allow them to develop the skills, resources, and learning to solve their own problems.

Truth moment, storytime. I talked in my book about how my eldest daughter has been struggling with addiction, and I shouldn’t even say has been struggling, I’m so proud of her. She’s over 200 days sober. And I believe completely that this is the beginning of the rest of her life. And she has done so much work to get there. But I also can say that one of the things that’s been difficult in the nature of our relationship is that she is inclined to let people help her right? To rescue her. And her mother is a professional rescuer. Okay, I am a professional rescuer. And that has not helped and I think anyone who has dealt with someone who has struggled with sobriety or addiction in their lives, knows that enabling and being with someone who is a rescuer, or a giver is par for the course. Right? That is a very common pairing and what I found in our relationship would be that she would run into a problem and for a long time, as a mother, you know, I would see all the pieces around how that problem came to be. She grew up in trauma, she didn’t have the resources, she wasn’t trained, she didn’t have the understanding, she didn’t have the exposure, I could very quickly see why she was facing that problem in her life, and I would label it as she’s not entirely responsible for that problem because she’s just a baby, she’s just a kid, you know, who was thrust into this world. And on some level, that is true, right friend?

When you when you look at your sibling, or your spouse, or whatever else, and you’re able to understand and have empathy, for how they came to be, and for what they’re facing and what they’re struggling, well, they can’t get therapy, or they don’t have this resource, or they have a mental health condition, or they had really mean mothers or fathers or whatever. Like, it’s so easy when you’re an empathetic person who is a giver, to be able to unpack why they deserve that hand, they deserve that help. But understand that there comes a point where we have to let go and let them help themselves. And when I tell you, this is hard to say, oh, my gosh, I can feel myself getting a little choked up about it. The minute I started letting go of my big daughter, that was when I really started seeing her thrive. And I had to let go in order to call her in. She reached a point where and it’s easier to use addiction as an example, because sobriety is 100% self work. You can have the people around you, you can create the support systems, but it is a daily choice that you have to make for yourself. And I’m so proud of her because she’s developing that character within to say, what are my resources that I have access to that I need to tap into, in order to maintain the goal that I have set for myself? Do you understand I’m saying with all the eyes, she’s realizing her own strength within. But if, as her mother, I allowed myself to constantly be this other thing externally, that she could lean on, she could never get better, you know.

Part of me getting divorced and you know, and I try not to talk too much about my marriage, because I really have moved on from that chapter of my life. But part of me getting divorced, you know, to only speaking to my own experience, you know, is the fact that I knew so much had happened and transpired in our marriage, that I didn’t want to be in an environment where my partner I could tell was unhappy. You know, and I knew I was unhappy, right? Like, I don’t want to say how he felt. But I could tell there was unhappiness based on what was articulated by him. And I didn’t even know how to fix it. The Fixer in me was literally like, I don’t even know what to do with this. You know what I mean? And it’s not for lack of trying, right? I’ve done all the things. I literally didn’t know what to do. And part of the letting go, the surrender of it all, was saying, maybe at this point, it’s time for you to meet and solve your own problems. And not even let me or this marriage be one of them.

So that it can be met and solved on your own, just like I need to expend my energy to meet and solve my own problems, because I got stuff. And this marriage shouldn’t be one of them. And when I tell you the growing and the learning that I’ve experienced and I hope you know, my ex is experienced as well, I don’t know, but you know, I hope he’s experienced too, as it as a byproduct of that when you are in a position where you’re responsible for your own life, you hopefully grow, right you hopefully grow, you’ll hopefully learn new things, you’ll hopefully find strength within you hopefully expose yourself to new resources, or you lean on your old crutches, right? Like one or the other, right? Or you find a coping mechanism, just like an addict, right? Like, it’s one or the other. But you know, it’s my hope that you know, at least this has been my experience, I have grown.

I’ve grown because if I’m not in a position where I can just fix if I’m not in a position where I can distract myself if I’m not in a position where I can ignore, if I’m not in a position where I can solve everyone else’s problems, instead of looking at my own, I’m going to be forced to grow. What if I told you that the very person that you we’ve been holding on to is sort of this avatar, this image, this example of the energy drain, the stress, the entitlement, the person that we’re using all the time. And again, they may not know they could still be good people, but still be this representation in your life? What if the best way to help them would be to let go and let them learn. And it doesn’t mean you’re going to lose them. Right? These people don’t have to be cut off, or you don’t have to divorce them per se. But when you start letting go, and there may be a response right to you saying like, that’s not something I can help you with, or I already made clear how I can help, or this is what I’m able to do. But if whenever they come facing you with their problem, you turn them around so they can meet and solve their own, what if that actually helped improve the relationship? What if that actually helped you grow?

I can promise you that there’s a real joy in watching the person that you’ve been fixing for, fix for themselves. It’s like looking at the child that you’ve raised, you know, for years, that you’ve always made a sandwich for, make a sandwich for you. And for themselves. It’s like a very sweet moment where, you know, the student becomes the teacher. And it’s beautiful and necessary and deserved. And even more, I have to speak honestly about the other side, even if they don’t, how beautiful would it be for you to have some of that energy back. And to be able to see clearly that this person just desires to have a difficult life. That they desire to live in a state of conflict, that they are resistant to growing up. And that they are fixated on you being a fixer, rather than fixing themselves.

And knowing that none of that is your problem, or your job. There is a joy in that there’s an ease in that. And more than anything, there’s a peace in that. And friend, when I look back on all the conversations I was having last year with you about starting over and feeling that internal chaos and like we talked about in our last episode, you know, lacking clarity, I found that creating space for me to meet and solve my own problems, started with me letting go of meeting and solving other people’s. And I want you to know that you deserve that type of peace too. But you have to make the bold decision first to let go.

 
In this episode, we chat about:
  • Why fixing others’ problems is MY biggest problem,
  • How this is damaging your relationships and your health,
  • What life events led me to finally make a change in this habit, and
  • How you can serve others WITHOUT solving all their problems (this is big, friend)

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:
  • Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
  • Send me a DM on Instagram and Facebook!
  • Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
  • When we’re clear, we can confidently move forward. Learn how to get PERFECT clarity in THIS CHAT
  • I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Season 4, Episode 2: How To Get PERFECT Clarity

Season 4, Episode 2: How To Get PERFECT Clarity

SEASON 4, EPISODE 2

SHOW NOTES

How can you get perfect clarity on who you are and how you should show up?

If you’ve been around here for any amount of time, you know I’m a hot mess and still figuring many things out but what I’ve learned is that I am clear on who I am. In fact, it has been the influence of others that has brought me further from my clarity. This friend, is what we need to talk about today.

If you find yourself with a lack of clarity, it’s likely not because there’s something fundamentally wrong within YOU keeping you from being clear. It may be that you have the wrong people in your space affirming and telling you who you are and what options you have (or don’t have!)

Friend, this chat is important. Don’t miss it!

Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeartRadio, or Watch on Youtube

Season 4, Episode 2

Nicole:

I am so excited about this chat mostly because if you have been tuning in, you know that for season four, we are now putting the full episode on YouTube where you can watch and chat and I get to look you right in your face while we have these conversations.

So I know a lot of you listen to our chat while doing other things. So dinner, whatever else, you know, running around, exercising, but if you really want to listen to especially when we have like guest in, you can actually watch now. Which is so much fun for me. And it also gives us one more place to engage, you can put it in the comments. And let’s just be honest, some of you listen at work. And this is pretty slick, right? You just open up your tab, you hit play on that YouTube, you put in your headphones, and then you just open it up to a spreadsheet. Your boss thinks you’re being really efficient. But really you’re listening to this chat right now. Right?

And as I mentioned in our season four opener, that we’re just going to keep it very real. And very real means that I felt for a lot of season three and four. Ever since I really started this pod chat while I was in California, I’ve had to be kind of veiled about my language, because I was going through a divorce, I’m dealing with transitions with the kids. I mentioned in my book, and also here that, you know, my big tiny, my eldest daughter who’s 24 was dealing with rehab. And then also I had this book deal plus I was starting to date, like I literally had a lot of things happening in my life that I was trying to figure out and navigate. So I was always kind of handling it delicately in my conversations here. But one of the beautiful things about life is in the process of starting over after a while it’s no longer new to you.

And so I’m grateful because I’m feeling confident and refreshed and happy and aware. And I have more of a solid ground around what the future looks like. And because I’m clear on that I’m able to speak to you with clarity, and with more intentionality. And I’m excited because I think that we’re all gonna get more from it.

So that being said, on the topic of clarity, that’s what we’re going to talk about today. The number one thing that I am always asked about from you, from people that meet me on the street, after reading the book is Nicole, you seem like you are so stinking clear on everything you have going on. You seem confident, you seem to know what you’re doing. And truth moment, hashtag truth moment, you already know this because we’ve been together for so long, that’s not the case, right? You know that I am awkward, uncomfortable, you know, anxious, nervous, mess about a lot of things. You know, it doesn’t mean I don’t get it done. But you know that I come in and I talk about that here all the time.

But the truth is, I am pretty clear about a lot. And I want to talk to you about what I mean we’re gonna keep it all the way real see, I can feel myself wanting to, this is me being just totally real with you. I can feel myself wanting to filter what I’m saying because I’m so cognizant of the other people in my life and also just being so mindful. But I said I wouldn’t do that with you. So I’m going to be honest with you.

One of the things I’ve struggled with the most and that’s had me in therapy, is not a lack of awareness around who I am, it’s been the fact that I’ve had people in my life that have tried to dismantle who I am, or tell me who I am, or tell me how to show up. And I gave too much space to listen to that. And it has distracted me from my journey. It has caused me mental grief, it has stressed me out and it has caused me to show up in ways that weren’t in alignment.

And so a lot of my time in my life has been spent getting back to the path that I always knew the whole time. That felt good to say out loud, out loud, because I want you to know that. If this is you, you’re not alone, right? You’re not alone.

There’s this common thing that we say where we’re like we’re stuck, or we’re confused or unsure or we lack clarity. And I want you to know, you don’t lack the ability to be clear. You don’t lack awareness around what’s right or wrong or the ability to make a decision. You can literally remove that language from your mindset from your life right now. Because the truth is if it has something to do with your kids, where if I said to you right now, hey, I want you to take your kid and throw your kid off a cliff. You would look at me and be like absolutely not, that’s crazy without hesitation because you know you have a very clear intentionality around your relationship with your child and how you show up your moral coding right and wrong. It isn’t even something you have to filter or process because you know. But we can’t seem to bring that sameness to making decisions around our business or making decisions around our money or making decisions around our relationships or making decisions around how people will treat us. 

And one of the things in this season that has been most powerful to me, especially as someone who is in recovery from being in relationships and environments, where I felt like I adapted myself a lot to people please. I adapted myself and restrained saying how I really felt or performing and making decisions around what I knew would best serve me and, and my world based on making others comfortable.

As somebody who is kind of what are the what is the phrase that you hear all the time a reforming people pleaser, a reformed people pleaser. I have found a lot of strength around correcting people who tried to tell me who I am, how I feel, or what I am doing. And I don’t know if this just comes with getting closer to being 40. And I’ve heard some of my friends who are in their 50s, who are approaching their 50s say, Look, girl, when you get to 50, you don’t even correct those people. If you even still have them in your life, you just walk away. You know someone comes to you and tries to tell you who you are what’s going on, you just walk the other way. But I will tell you, if you are like me in your early 30s, late 20s, you know, or if you’re just listening to this, and you’re like because my mom made me. I want you to know that as a Christian, one thing I believe is I am who God says I am. But as an everyday woman, you know who’s walking around, depending on what your belief system is, I want you to also know you are also who you say you are.

So even if someone comes to you and says to you, Well, I remember when I interacted with you back in 2021, you know, and you said bla bla bla bla bla, okay, that’s who I was, this is who I am. Like, and it doesn’t mean you can’t take accountability, doesn’t mean you can’t evolve. But listen, you are not in a position where you have to be held to whatever definition that other people want you to be.

You have to recognize that whenever someone comes to you, and tries to tell you about what you feel like, gosh, you just seem so upset about that. You don’t have to take that in. You literally can stop, ask yourself, is that in alignment with what I really feel? And if it doesn’t, you can say I am not upset. That is not how I’m feeling. What I feel is this if you feel like sharing, and I would like it if you would please not tell me how I feel. I know how I feel.

I know right now some of you are cringing at that thought, because it’s a form of setting boundaries. And what I can tell you in my experiences is that oftentimes people who are struggling with you expressing or setting boundaries or choosing yourself or showing up in the world in any particular way, will often want to tell you what you are feeling because a definition makes them more comfortable.

So you’ll have people in your life and when you’re younger, just to be clear, you’ll have people in your life when you’re younger, that will do this as a form of power, of authority, of a way to condescend because it’s a control factor. And it’s related to their anxiety and it’s not uncommon. Heck, I’ve probably done it in my life. You know what I mean? I’m the queen of unsolicited advice, you know, but one of the things I’ve really tried to be good at, especially in my older years is say, you know, you don’t have to listen to me, right? Or this is just my opinion, or I’m aware this is unsolicited advice. You know, because as a consultant, you have to tell people things all the time that they may not be willing to receive and could be true, but they may not want to hear. But I want you to know that when you’re younger. If you grow up with people who are always telling you things like you are lazy, you are not capable, you are not pretty enough, you are not a hard worker, you are not enough in general, you better believe that not only does that put messaging in your mind around who you must be and who you are, which there’s tons of things online, and conversations and podcasts about unpacking that. But it also trains you to think it is appropriate to have other people tell you who you are.

And there isn’t enough conversation around how that affects our ability to have clarity in how we approach life. If you are confused about who you are, how the heck are you going to have clarity about what you want to do, how you want to show up and how you need to be in this world? No wonder you aren’t sure if you should pick this planter or this planter. No wonder you aren’t sure if your business idea is good enough and if you can be a boss or CEO. No wonder you question yourself about whether or not you’re a good enough mom if you do this thing or enroll them in this school or show up at this activity. It’s because you’re lacking clarity around who you are. 

And a lot of the time, that’s because you let other people define it. So one of the things that really helped me have increased clarity going into the new year, and increased clarity in my life in general, has been taking the past five years to shed one, people who will not stop telling me who I am, they are not permitted to be in my life, unless you’re able to modify that and respect my boundaries period.

You are not going to be in my life telling me that I am not enough, that I am less than, that I am only valuable if I show up in your world in a certain capacity that does not align with my health or my needs. And you are absolutely not going to be around in my greatest moments, creating negativity centering yourself, or in any way, shape, or form, diminishing the joy in the room. Like, I have no space for it, it’s not even a thing because it affects my belief system around who I am. And I need to have a strong sense of self in order to perform and show up the way that God has destined and called over my life.

My sense of self is worth something. And I’m allowed to retain and protect that. And then outside of that I also am not retaining or having anyone over the past five years, it’s been so so important in my life, having anyone who insist on me showing up in a way that does not align, as I’m continuously redefining the way that God wants me to show up in the world.

So, I have a story that lines with all this because you know, I’m a queen of real world application, right? We’ve got to know how to apply the concept in practice. And you know, I’ll use myself right? And I said, we’re gonna be transparent. So here we go. So I have struggled with being an over caregiver. And what does that mean? I’ve talked about it in my book being a fixer. You know, I’ve always lacked clarity around how I should show up in people’s lives, how much is too much, and what’s the appropriate level. I err on the side of maternal nurturing, I can do all the things up to including whatever is hard for you.

And I know this may sound familiar to you, because you’re, you’re probably a giver too. You’re probably like, look, if I can do it, I’ll do it, right. But understand that that also lends itself to you collecting people that may not want to do for themselves. It can lend itself to having people in your life that feel gaps around their maternal support, and may not even acknowledge or be aware of the fact that they lacked maternal support, and may seek you to fill that gap. That’s a whole therapeutic concept.

Now, I always thought, and this is the part where I’m going to be real clear, I had a therapy session recently where it was like a total breakthrough. And I’ve been doing therapy now for eight years. And maybe even longer than that, at this point. And the form of therapy I do is called EMDR. It’s a form of therapy that is specifically around reprogramming traumatic experiences. I’ve talked about them some of my books, so you understand the sources of trauma that I’ve had. But outside of that, I’ve also dealt with things like sexual assault. I’ve dealt with things like domestic violence in my dating partnerships. Fortunately, I have not had domestic violence in any marital relationships I’ve had. But, you know, I’ve dealt with emotional abuse, you know, I mean, there’s just tons of things I’ve had to unpack and EMDR is a form of treatment that’s used on like war victims. It’s a PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder, treatment method. And a lot of us don’t even realize that even a childhood can result in post trauma, stress. A lot of times we think that post trauma, stress only happens after an inciting incident, like being in a bombing, or in a war zone, or something of that effect.

But the trauma of your childhood, obviously can lead to lingering effects for the rest of your life. So I’ve been in therapy for you for eight years, because it’s always been really important to me, as a mother and as a leader and as a consultant to unpack any manifestations of my childhood trauma in my present life. I do not want to both generationally, as well as personally bring my hurt into my present. And so I’ve worked really hard, and I’ve made a ton of progress and I’m so so grateful for it because I am so deeply happy and free, because of the work I’ve done. But it doesn’t mean that everything’s done all at once.

And what’s interesting is when you’re still unpacking some of your trauma, you collect people that are based on your previous trauma. So for some of you listening to this right now, I know there are people that come to mind where you’re like, I’ve had this best friend for 30 years, they have a million things about them that I cannot stand, you know, and lots of ways that they show up that are not nice, that are not kind, that I don’t support, they are constantly telling me they know who I am, or they have an opinion, or they’re judgmental, or whatever about the way that I live that I actually don’t have a problem with. So that’s also the clincher y’all is like, you may not have a problem with the way you live, you might like your house, like your neighborhood, like your lifestyle, like whatever, but you have people in your life who judge you on that. And now you’re questioning if it’s a problem, but you like it. Understand that that’s the issue, right?

So you may have these people in your life and you don’t even realize that you selected these people at the beginning or they were born into your life or you married them or whatever, at a time where you were not at your healthiest version of self. Right? So the person who made that choice and entered into that partnership, union, friendship, whatever, was not the person who exists today.

And so because of that, the ability to evaluate that kind of like if you are here’s some little a little more real world application, right? But kind of like when you’re in medical school, the way that you might have evaluated a condition on your first day of medical school is gonna be very different from your last day once you have more knowledge and exposure. And so that’s what therapy brings. So if you are growing in your therapy, hopefully you have evolved and gotten better in a couple of years to even assess the people in your life and new lenses.

However, most of us don’t do that reassessment. We don’t go back and we don’t look and say, excuse me, I’ve had you in my life the whole time, you’d have to say in conversation, oh, don’t go out here and start fights. But we don’t look back and ask ourselves, I have had this person in my life, and I have always kind of categorized them and put them in this, you know, box of, that’s just how they are. But when was last time you look back and said, You know what? With what I know now, what about this works for me or doesn’t work for me? What about this is a nature of the relationship that does not suit who I am and how I want to show up?

And also, what about this is good? What about this makes sense? Does this still nurture my calling, and what I’ve been sent to do. And so a lot of us don’t spend time evaluating those relationships, because it’s just how they have been.

And I want to let you know that for me, part of this process over these past few years has been a lot of that evaluation. And so these past couple of weeks, as I’ve been just looking at even more relationships that I have, and talking about them in therapy, and my role within them, and how I permitted them and what I need to do to bring those relationships into the present, you know, by being more honest in them or being more candid or affirming boundaries, so that that way, they are shaped in ways that sustain me and don’t drain me.

I learned something about people that blew my mind. And I’m going to share it with you and I think it’ll click for some, and it may not for some, because it was such a breakthrough for me. Have you ever heard the phrase from people where they say, oh, yeah, that person has low self esteem. You have, right? Low self esteem is something we’re familiar with, where we’ll say regularly, that person has low self esteem, and that lends them to do this thing. Or people who behave this way is because of their low self esteem. But my therapist told me, she said, Look, you have to understand that there’s something beneath low self esteem, there’s also no self esteem. And it’s not a phrase that’s in our lexicon, it’s not in our conversation. That’s not something we use. There’s high self esteem, there’s low self esteem. But we haven’t spoken about the range of no self esteem. And the way people show up within those ranges.

So people who are between the range have no self esteem and low self esteem, are people who are in places where they are not healthy enough to maintain healthy relationships. People with no self esteem, often will engage in self harm, because their self worth is completely gone. They just, they don’t even have an identity. They don’t know what to do with themselves and it’s so deeply depressing that, you know, they usually cease to exist, right? It’s very difficult. 

However, in that range between no self esteem and low self esteem, what you’ll often find are people who are heavily invested in identifying themselves through the eyes of other people. It’s really important for those people who are in that no self esteem, low self esteem window, to make sure that the people in their life see them a certain way, to make sure that the people in their life will relate to them a certain way, that they perform a certain way, that they serve in that role, sometimes of mother or father, or an even if their title might be lover or wife, or you know, or husband or friend, it’s really important because they can’t figure out how to be happy, that they can’t figure it out their worth themselves, they lack identity around their work and their self in general that it’s so important for them to have you perform in a certain way in their world, that they will tell you who you are all day and affect your clarity because what they need is to take some of your self worth in order to affirm their own.

And we don’t talk about that window enough. We just say oh, that person has low self esteem, but we don’t realize how harmful it is as they progress towards no self esteem. And when I heard this, it blew my mind. The idea of no self esteem, that there are people who are walking around with a blank spot where their self worth is supposed to be. And in order to fill that blank spot on the day to day, it’s really important for them to interact with people in a negative way, especially people who have high self worth and extract from them behaviors or affirmation or validation, or whatever they think they can, even if it’s a negative thing, make you feel bad because now they feel something in order to function.

This blew my mind. And it blew my mind because I inherently thought people were just like, generally good. And if they had low self esteem, it was all bringing it up. I really, truly thought that everyone had an ability to access their self worth, because I do believe everyone has worth. And that what really was happening was that they just needed a reminder, right? Like, if we just figure it out, you know, how to remind ourselves, give ourselves affirmation, give ourselves motivation, we’ll know who we are, we’ll know how we’re supposed to show up. And then we’ll feel so so great about it. And when my therapist told me like, no, like, realistically, some people have no idea how to identify themselves.

There are people who do actually completely lack clarity. That really does exist. And the reason why I’m telling you this, is because this is likely not you. If this is you, then you’ve got to seek out serious therapeutic support, because likely you’re in a state of severe depression. And that is a real thing and there are meds for it. And therapy is incredible. And you deserve the help you need. Because it might be a chemical imbalance, all of that. I am super sensitive to that. 

However, if there’s any part of you that is really clear, whether it’s now or in the past, where you were able to say no, I deserve to be treated better because this doesn’t feel right to me. Or I know that I deserve to be loved and so this doesn’t seem right. Or I know what I’m worth, and I know I’m not receiving that, that means that you have some clarity of mind, to know, even if you’re not clear on what it is you need 100%, to know that you’re not getting it. Which means you do know how to seek clarity, you’re not as stuck as you used to be and this idea that you’re stuck may be something that’s being told to you.

I used to think when I was in my marriage, and you know, again, season of transparency, that I was stuck. That I chose this, that people don’t get divorced, especially in my culture, in my faith, and that I just needed to acclimate to the state of what my marriage was, that I needed to be comfortable with the things that I and my partner had determined to be issues which you know, are private to us, you know, but that was just what I needed to adjust to. That this was what my marriage was going to be and I needed to figure out a way in other areas to make it tolerable because this thing was what it was. I was stuck. And I was never stuck.

And this is something I’m just telling you, what I said to my therapy session, I was never stuck. It was that I wasn’t willing to accept that I had choices. And I had created a situation of lack of clarity for myself because the other choices weren’t palatable to me, they didn’t taste good. I didn’t like them. The idea of being divorced didn’t feel good. And I was also told what I was many times over. A Christian woman does not get divorced. A black woman stands by her man. An African woman takes care of home to the point of exhaustion. You know, this was my identity as told to me and it was creating confusion because it did not align with how I was feeling or what I was getting as an outcome because I was also told that if I did those things, I would have joy, but that was not happening either.

And so I say all this to let you know that if you’re finding confusion in your clarity, it’s not because there’s something fundamentally broken within you and you have an inability to get clear, it’s because you may have the wrong people in your space that are affirming and telling you who you are, including telling you that you are not able to get unstuck.

So this one I think, is really big. I really believe that women, particularly black women, and marginalized people are constantly put into this world and told that our main purpose in this world is productivity. We’re always being told, like, hey, look, what do you do in this world? What is your contribution? Even when we meet people, we ask them, What do you do for a living? As if that’s their primary purpose. Literally when someone asks me, What do I do, I say my best. Okay, that’s what I do, I do my best. And this concept that your very being is only related to how you perform and that your validation is directly aligned with your productivity is so harmful, because it means that you have to constantly find a way to define who you are. Can’t you just exist? My God. Like as a woman, by default, because we give birth to humankind. We already have a responsibility innately hormonally, emotionally to caregiving and to doing all these other roles. The idea that someone wants to say that I also need to be shaped by what I create, and and what I build and all that I make, like, Listen, I love a Proverbs 31 woman, okay, I am proud to be someone that mends, tends, generates income, takes care of the fam, like I’m proud of that because I enjoy it. But I also enjoy it on terms that make sense for me and my family, not terms that are set by the rest of the world.

So it’s exhausting, it’s exhausting to be told what you’re supposed to be. And it’s even worse, have someone look you in your face and say this is what you are.

And if there’s anything that I believe will lend itself to you feeling more unstuck, to you feeling like you are moving forward with more intentionality, it’s not that you need a new planner, it’s not that you need better goals. It’s not that you need a new checklist to measure yourself against. What’s gonna help you is actually what you need to stop doing. And that’s letting other people write and make a list around who you are and what you’re supposed to be.

As I reflect on what 2023 has brought, and a lot of the conversations that we’ve had in our last season, it’s this awareness, that part of being bold, and moving forward in my life and having the fierce clarity that I want to exist in all areas, not just around my children where I’m like, you will not mess with them. And I have no question about it. But I want to have that clarity around. This is what I do for a living. This is the product and service that I offer. This is how much you will pay and you will pay it in full because it is worth it. This is how I show up in my partnership. No, I will not take out the trash. That is Alex work, right? <laughs> You know, I will cook the meal. That can be my thing. I love that. You know, I want to have that clarity. No, these extra hours don’t feel good. No, I don’t want to work on Mondays or Fridays, even if that means that I’m going to be pulling 15 hour days, you know, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.

I want to have that confidence in every single area of my life. And what I found is that confidence exists and it resides within. And the only time it ever feels chipped at is if I’m listening to someone else, and I’m letting them dictate the reality.

No one, no one knows you better than you know yourself. And you have a right to trust that. And you also have a right to affirm it and boldly protect it with boundaries.

So if you are saying to yourself or have said to yourself, gosh, I feel like I am stuck. I’m here to start over but I feel like I’ve reached a rock and a hard place or I’ve reached an impasse. I want you to know that there’s nothing that’s going to get you out of that place sooner, and help you step into the life that you want, then not looking left and right for an answer, but instead looking within. And there’s nothing that’s going to help you stay on that path and continue to grow and succeed and be in the places that you want to be, then boldly protecting everything about those decisions and your right to make them, with your boundaries.

Friend, as you move through everything that you have going on this week, around holiday things, around family things, around work and parenting and just taking care of yourself. I want you to join me in saying, Look, we’re gonna have a lot of people in our lives over these holiday seasons that we may see infrequently, but are coming in with opinions, perspectives, desires, you name it, and I want you to be able to stand up and say I am allowed to choose me because I have defined what I need.

And know that that is enough.

So be bold, protect your boundaries, and live your best life.

 
In this episode, we chat about:
  • How to get perfect clarity,
  • Why it looks like I have this ALL figured out,
  • The moments in my life where I’ve been furtherest from clarity and why,
  • What you can trust when it comes to finding clarity, and
  • How to know when you’re out of alignment

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:
  • Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
  • Send me a DM on Instagram and Facebook!
  • Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
  • Don’t miss the first episode of Season 4 – Listen here
  • I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Season 4, Episode 1: Losing EVERY dollar I have

Season 4, Episode 1: Losing EVERY dollar I have

SEASON 4, EPISODE 1

SHOW NOTES

Let me tell you about what I learned after losing every dollar I had. In this chat we’re talking about the American Dream – the American Dream that was dreamt FOR us and the American Dream we actually want. Friend, we’re kicking off Season 4 with the truth!

We all want more options in life but what I’ve learned is that in order to have more options, we have to be bold in our decision making.

The truth is, you know what you need to do to get your American Dream. Friend, let’s start making bold decisions together.

Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeartRadio, or Watch on Youtube

Season 4, Episode 1

Nicole:

Hey friends, I am thrilled to welcome you to the new season of The Nicole Walters Podcast. And as I mentioned before, all of our chats are going to be about moving forward boldly. And I know you’re going to hear all these new year, new you things in the next coming weeks and I want to let you know that we’re starting now.

Why don’t we have to wait for a magical marker of time in order to be our best selves and move forward and get the things we want and live the life that we deserve?

And I gotta tell you, after the journey that we’ve had over the past year, with starting over fresh starts, and talking about the learnings that are allowing us to move boldly, it’s time for us to actually do it.

This chat that we’re about to have is about the true American dream. So friends, you may or may not know, but I am the child of African immigrants. My parents were both born in Ghana, West Africa. My mother in a seaside town, that was city like, if you will, if you’re familiar, it’s called El Mina. And it My father was born in Wasa ecoupon, which is a village up north and you know, I jokingly call it a Discovery Channel village, because the depictions of Africa always are fairly consistent, you know, online and inaccurate often, but truly he grew up in a dirt floor, you know, small home, you know, that some what might refer to as a shack. And really didn’t have anything, no running water, no electricity. And he grew up very humbly, and both of my parents actually met when they came to the United States and my mother was 18. And my father was, I believe, 24. And they met here, you know, because they came here for better options and a better life.

And what’s interesting is that, I often think about what the American Dream probably meant to them. And whether or not you are the child of an immigrant, or you’re an immigrant yourself, or your first generation, and you’re born here like me, but you know, grew up in an immigrant household, or if you’re someone who just grew up with old school parents, or southern parents, or parents who, you know, had big dreams for you and had to work hard for them, we all know what it’s like to have a vision of what we think our life should be.

And in the spirit of, you know, this new season and speaking boldly, it kind of sucks right now. Like, everything is expensive, mortgage rates are out of control, for those of us who have gone through transitions our life, you know, like me with divorce or, you know, you with, you know, having a new baby or layoffs or you know, financial things, everything feels like it’s harder to do, and dreams feel like they’re harder to reach. Sometimes it feels a little scary to even make them and I don’t know about you, but there are parts of me that worry about what it looks like for my kids. And, you know, wanting to grow my family, what it looks like for my kids in the future. And honestly, what it looks like for me, you know, I’d love to, you know, buy a fancy pants home here in LA akin to the one that I used to have when I was, you know, in my previous marriage. And I have a great home now really, like God is very good, I’m cared for but it’s not like, you know, ritzy ditzy or anything like that, you know, and that’s fine. But when I tell you the idea of spending millions, which is what it costs to live in a home that’s actually fairly reasonable out here in LA, just doesn’t seem reasonable.

I have friends who are raising whole families in one bedroom apartments. And having grown up like that, myself, I know that it is possible to still have so much love and to achieve so much and accomplish so much. So there’s no shame in being someone who doesn’t have much but gosh, where’s the space to dream? Where’s the space to dream and I don’t know about you. But the dream that was sold to me growing up was that the American dream was a house and it was a dog, probably a golden retriever, you know, 2.5 kids getting a good corporate job, you know, that pays you a reasonable salary that allows you to take some vacations, have a savings account, you know, if anything comes up you’re able to pay for it. To have a reasonable late model car, you know, that doesn’t break down all the time you’ll get your kids into after school activities, and then know that you can retire at a reasonable age probably somewhere in your early 60s with a cute retirement party and you know, be able to move to Florida. Does that sound familiar? 

I don’t know if it’s just my old millennial self, but that’s what I thought life was supposed to give and it’s almost become a running joke amongst my girls, you know, who are 20, my older ones 21 and 24 that like, they don’t even know if they want to get married, definitely don’t know if they want to have kids, if it’s not a flat no, and they never expect to have a home. And I don’t know about you, but that jaded existence, you know, of saying that, what is the point of our living right now is heartbreaking. And I try not to get caught up in it because and y’all know, because we talk about it here, you know, we really want to be people who are able to feel like we have some control over our future.

What I want to speak to here is this idea that what we always have control over is how we want to design our dreams. Because this classic American Dream concept, I don’t know if it ever really existed. Because that dream concept is rooted so heavily in money. And as someone who has had it, has lost it, has grown up with none of it and then had so much of it, and then had a lot less of it. Right? Like I mean, I’ve really been at all the stages. And I gotta tell you, the American Dream is really just about options. It’s about having choices. And that’s where we start really feeling like our life is beyond us.

Do we have a choice around when we can have more kids? Or if we can afford more kids? Do we have a choice around the neighborhood we can live in? Do we have a choice around what type of car we want to drive? Do we have a choice of, you know, if we want to stay in a certain employment or not, do we have a choice around what sort of cancer treatments we want to select for our child if they’re on the table, because we’re not limited, you know, by the financial aspects, and we have access to that information.

And what I want to empower you with because this is something that I’ve really had to embrace is that choices only come when you’re willing to make bold decisions. If you want to have more choices, you have to be willing to get uncomfortable.

It’s so interesting because the mindset around not having options is a learned one. And as women, as marginalized people, we are constantly told that we have less options than we actually do. And that is a form of control. People want to feed us our choices so we select things that suit them. And I grew up seeing this in my home, because whenever my mom had company coming over, which was infrequent. I think that the idea of having people in our home gave her so much anxiety because our home was small. It wasn’t really well decorated, well appointed, we just weren’t wealthy, we just didn’t have we didn’t even have enough seating to really have company there, we had a couch and a chair, you know, and sometimes we could pull around extra dining room chairs if we needed seating, but it just, you know, it’s a small apartment. And whenever we’re having people over, I remember it being an event. And I always knew if someone was coming over and it didn’t even have to be anyone fancy. It could be like one of my dad’s friends or, you know, a couple of times, he may have had like teachers come over. Or, heck, it could have been the landlord popping by to collect a check, you know, whoever it was, the routine was the same. I’d wake up to the sound of the vacuum cleaner running as my mom made and attempted to, you know, catch any types of hair or dander or whatever it was, in our fairly stained old carpet around our apartment. And that I’d hear all the dishes going at the same time that I would hear ladles hitting the side of, you know, the pots of the pans on the stove because my mom was cooking a full like three course meal. I’d see her pull out trays, you know, from cabinets, and I would hear all the rustling and jostling and she was pulling these trays out and she would start pouring an assortment of chips and nuts and all sorts of different snack items that had a very distinctly Ghanaian, African flair to it. But you know, we’re pretty good noshables, you know, that we could have there and should always slice some oranges. And then, you know, pull out an assortment of beverages, ginger ale was always on the docket, she might offer a beer two, which I always felt was kind of weird, because I didn’t realize that not everybody drinks. I mean, but, you know, in Ghana, that’s really, it’s actually kind of considered elegant to always offer someone, you know, an alcoholic beverage, you know, that’s kind of a sign of, you know, wealth and doing a little bit nicer things.

Whereas in America, you know, it’s kind of what do you want to drink, you know, water was never on the menu, almost he asked for it specifically. And what would always happen is she would start, you know, pretty early in the morning trying to get the house together, if you will. And by the time the person finally arrived, she was wiped out. She was already tired. And one of the things I always thought was odd about that was people coming over is supposed to be a joyful celebration, right? The best part is when the doorbell rings. And we know we’re about to get to the fun. But the feeling I always had and I could detect on my own mother was that she felt like her options and her performance came before the joy even arrived. It was do all the work and then by the time we’d reached the moment where we should be celebrating or enjoying the company or creating a memory, she was exhausted. She was exhausted, she was miserable. And I can even sense an anxious dread coming over her that she would now have to engage. And she did great either way. You know, I remember my mom always being you know, smiley, and you know, but she never really had much to say. And I always found that to be odd, you know, because when I would see my mom in her most comfortable moments around friends or, you know, at larger parties where there really wasn’t a place for her to stand so she just had to have a good time, she was loquacious. She was dancing, she would have a drink in her hand, she was having a good old time. So I knew she had it in her but yet in her own home, she didn’t even know how to embrace the option of peace.

And it’s not lost on me that I witnessed this happen a couple times a year throughout my life in our small apartment. And when I reflect on my own behaviors, around feeling like I had limited options in my home outside of keeping it tidy, keeping it organized, cooking for the people there and keeping my family entertained. I realized that I was raised to think that service was my biggest value add to the people around me. And couple that with being a Christian, being a woman, being a black woman, you can understand how it’s very easy to feel like our biggest gift to the world is productivity. And you can also see how you lose your options when you only embrace the ones that you are told.

And being transparent, in my previous life and my previous marriage in the way that I was living and doing my business before, I felt so trapped, increasingly trapped every day. And I know that’s hard to believe because I was living a life that people would dream for. I flew on private jets. Again, I had that incredible home, I had staff. There wasn’t anything I couldn’t buy, right. So they’re in, I was living the American dream, right rags to riches, you know, an immigrant child who now has all these things. But I was so damn lonely. Like, and I felt trapped. I felt like I could not, I remember that I would stay up late at night, after everyone went to bed to just get like a moment of peace.

And what do I mean by that moment of peace, I mean, quiet where no one was asking me for anything, a moment where I felt like I didn’t have to entertain or help anyone. And I’ll go into that in a second. A moment where I felt like I didn’t have to check email, I didn’t have to watch a show that was like a family show, kind of a show that I wanted to watch. And I’m saying all of this knowing that if you’re listening as you know, a mama or a sister or you know, even a single girl, you’re hearing and knowing what I’m talking about, right? Just having that moment to myself for myself but then also realizing that I felt like I didn’t get enough of that time. And I didn’t quite know how to shift it.

And it wasn’t until sort of the final years of my marriage that I realized that I did know how to shift it, I just didn’t want to. I didn’t want to have to do the thing that I knew would be required to get more choices, to have more options. Oh I feel teary just thinking about it because I remember the discomfort of sitting in that place.

So I was sitting on my gorgeous blue velvet couch. You know if you ever watch my show, you’ve seen it, you know? And I loved this couch, it was custom designed. It was super comfy and it was beautiful and it trapped all my dog hair on it. You know and I’d cozy up on this couch at night and I’d watch you know a show and I’d be watching this like Bridgerton, or something, you know, and all I could think about was, tomorrow, I have to wake up and go to work, you know, and tomorrow I’m back at the routine, and boy am I really blessed like, I would literally look around my house sometimes in awe, because I grew up with nothing. I slept on a couch, you know, until I was 12 in poverty but here I am dozing off on a couch, wealthy, and still feeling trapped. Like, I don’t like my options, or this isn’t the life that I selected for myself.

And a lot of that had to do with the lack of love that I felt in my home. And when I say love, I don’t even mean just romantic or partner related love, I mean, a lack of understanding and appreciation and worth, which, you know, some of that is my own job, you know, but also, just generally feeling like my life is going to keep repeating itself in the same format over and over and over again, until I decided to move and make something different happen.

And so I was thinking before I decided to come here and chat with you today, how many times have you sat there and known and said to yourself, I need to quit this job. I need to quit this marriage. I need to quit this friendship. I need to leave this thing because I cannot remain here. Like there’s parts of me that are dying off. You know, there are things that I know that are better somewhere else. If anything, sometimes it’s not even about the quitting or the leaving of where you are, so much as honoring the call of where you’re supposed to be. And when I tell you for years, in repeating the same cycle of seeking that moment of peace in the evening, I would spend so many of those hours sitting there saying to myself, I’m not happy. And I’m exhausted, and there’s so much good in my life, and there’s so much joy, but I need to leave, like I need to not be here. I need to pursue peace, you know, and better balance, you know, around the joy in my life.

And what that looks like is a divorce, you know, that I need to be able to boldly say yes to myself. And not in a selfish way I think a lot of times when people hear that, and they say, Well, if one of the options that you’re seeking is more of you, that’s not okay. And on many levels in our society right now, there is a lot of selfishness, there’s a lot of self-centeredness. But I’m talking about the saying yes to yourself so that you can say yes to others. I needed to create more breathing room for me, so that I could keep serving in the capacity that I was serving.

And I was so scared. And I know that for those of you who tune in every single week, and we have these chats, and for those of you who have read the book, you know that chapter one of my book is all about how the American dream is about options. And how I came to learn that after watching my mother suffer. And I want you to know that if you’re sitting there saying to yourself, I feel like my American dream is slipping through my fingers and all I want are more options. I just want more choices, whether it’s around work or around my partners who I’m with in a relationship or around my friendships or where I live or whatever else, I have to let you know, I watched my parents suffer. And I remember thinking, why aren’t they choosing differently.

And in the book, I tell some stories of, you know, things that I could see my mother saying no to every single day that she didn’t have to but, you know, one thing I don’t share is that my mom is the type of woman who literally would set herself on fire to keep people warm. I mean, she would go to parties she was invited to and spend her entire time on her feet, serving and helping and cleaning and tidying up and, you know, chasing after kids and you know, cracking jokes and serving drinks. I mean, she just spent her whole time working. Even in an environment she was invited to in order to have rest. The only option she saw for herself was work. The only option she saw for herself was people pleasing. And the thing that I’m constantly reflecting on is that we all have options, and it’s what are we choosing to engage in. Because a lot of us focus on the fact that we may not feel like we have the option that we deserve, which in this American dream for me it would be an option of lower mortgage rates, better down payment options, right. But realistically, you know, I do still have options who says I have to stay in LA?

Right, who says that I have to live in house, you know, who says that? I can’t have a nomadic lifestyle? You know, there are lots of choices. It’s just that do I want to boldly consider them. So, you know, when I was sitting on that couch feeling miserable, remembering how my mom would go to these parties and work so hard and act like it was her only choice, because her highest value was how do people view the way that I serve them? That was where she found her worth. And I say this to you hoping that some of this resonates with you, because some of you are bending over backwards to serve other people that wouldn’t spend five minutes doing that for you. And I’m talking about our kids, you know, because our kids don’t, you know, they don’t owe us anything, but I’m talking about the grown adults in your life. And that includes your job, you know, are you bending over backwards to serve this thing that doesn’t serve you because you think you lack options. And I want to encourage you to look around and see what your other options are, including the ones that you’re not willing to consider, because they’re too bold. Because they’re too scary. But you know what, they’re still options. You’ve got to take out a piece of paper and write them down and consider them. Because what isn’t an option is staying in the same place.

Because what I can tell you is that the last thing you want is to put into the type of high pressure, push or shove moment, where you have to go.

And I say that as someone who if you’ve listened to, you know, some of our chats from last season, that’s what a medical situation is. That’s what a difficult-to-bounce back from financial situation is. That’s what it looks like when you find out your kid needs to go into rehab or has been diagnosed with cancer, you know, that is that push or shove moment, that calls you to be bolder than you desire, and possibly before you’re ready.

But one option that you always retain, is your choice around when to move, as long as you are considering your options before you do it.

So friend, as we’re going into a new year, before the new year actually arrives to us, one of the things I want to encourage you to do and I’m going to do it too, is to make a list of all your options even if they’re the ones that you absolutely don’t think are real options. Is it that you’re going to get a divorce? Is it therapy? Is it taking time apart? Is it learning more about yourself and figuring out what you can bring to your marriage? Is it looking at applying at other jobs? Is it taking some time off to not work at all for six months? Is it actually building that side hustle and seeing if you can make a little cash and when I say building it, I mean actually building and selling and working at it. Not just hoping and dreaming and playing around.

Make that list. I don’t want to see a goal list of just lose 10 pounds, right? I don’t want to see a goal list of you know, get in the gym more, eat more vegetables, drink more water, all those things are good and great but realistically, how bold is it to write down the same thing you’ve been writing every single year and taking no actual steps towards it.

You know what you need to do to get your American dream. You deserve more options, and you have plenty in front of you. So let’s go after it together. The real American dream is about options. So let’s start making good choices together.

 
In this episode, we chat about:
  • What I’ve learned about the American Dream from growing up in poverty, earning a lot of money, losing a lot of money, and everywhere in between
  • Why the real American Dream isn’t what we think it is,
  • How to achieve your American Dream, and
  • What you MUST DO to get there

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:
  • Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
  • Send me a DM on Instagram and Facebook!
  • Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
  • First time here? Go listen to Episode 1 of Season 1 to get the backstory! Listen here!
  • I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Season 3, Episode 82: It’s All OVER! Saying Goodbye!

SEASON 3, EPISODE 82

SHOW NOTES

Friend there is so much more to share and that’s why I’m excited to close this season of the podcast with you today. Season 3 is all over!

We have spent a lot of time talking about starting over and although we will continue to start over in our lives, it’s time now to take our conversations deeper.

With the release of my memoir, Nothing is Missing, you’ve learned so much of what has happened behind the scenes in my life. And with that info in mind, we can go so much deeper and we need to.

It’s time now to step fully into living boldly. We’re going to talk about it friend on this upcoming season, Season 4 of The Nicole Walters Podcast.

Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, Google, or iHeartRadio

Season 3, Episode 82

Nicole:

Hey, friends, so you have been here on a journey, I am so grateful. I’m so grateful because our conversations that we have I see you on social posting in your cars and at the gym. And you know, it’s just, it’s really amazing to have this time with you and I don’t take it for granted. But I need to both apologize, I guess, and be really honest and transparent about the time that we have here and making sure it is of complete value.

And I want to let you know that I don’t take it lightly, what it means to be able to speak into people’s lives. And that’s something that I’ve always held in a lot of integrity and close to the vest that the life that I have right now is one that there are people who work towards it, there are people who are born into it, there are people who train for it. But at the end of the day, you don’t get this opportunity without God having sent you. And without having a special call over your life because things have to move in certain ways for you to even have this type of access and opportunity, which means that you have to be really responsible with it. And the reason why I say you know, it’s kind of like an apology call out, let’s just keep it all the way real is, I feel like there’s another level to this relationship. And while I get one of the number one thing that’s always said to me, and I hope you’re all are feeling where this is going because it is this is a kind of, we’re about to take our friendship to the next level kind of chat, you know, sometimes you have it with your girlfriend, sometimes you have it with your partner, your spouse, or sometimes even with your boss, where it’s like, hey, you know, I need more, you know, and we need, we need to dive deeper. And that’s very much what this chat is.

So one of the number one things that people say to me, and have said to me, that’s really been a call out over this book tour is all about Nicole, you are so transparent, you are so vulnerable, you are so authentic, you are just so real. And I have been wrangling with this, both emotionally, mentally, in therapy, in church, you know, with my friends. And I’ve dabbled in talking about it. So some of you if you’ve been on the book tour, or in some of these online conversations, you’ve heard me kind of voicing and kind of working through some of my thoughts around it. But it is true that everything that I share with you is 100% me in my rawest and most learning state. I’m not afraid to talk about the growth, I’m not afraid to look messy in front of you. I’m not afraid to share what I’ve learned, what mistakes I’ve made. And if you’ve read the book, Nothing is Missing. Y’all it’s out there, I’m so grateful, New York Times bestseller on shelves everywhere, you know, you know that I’m not afraid to be like, I screwed up in some big ways.

In my book, I talk about abortion. In my book, I talk about divorce. In my book, I talk about, you know, my difficulties in college, you know, I talk about all of these things, where I’ve never talked about them before. So I’m not afraid to look messy. And I’m not afraid to be subject to judgment. But I’ve always felt so much pressure when someone says you’re authentic and real, that you must be giving all of yourself. I don’t even know where that came from. I do know it’s a social media expectation, right? Where people think that if you don’t share something, you must be ashamed of it or embarrassed or hiding it, when the truth is you’re still working it through. That is the truth of most of us.

And the truth also is your people are not entitled to all of you, right? And what I can tell you is that over the past season of this podcast, you know, and I know I call them our little chats here, but you know, in the industry, they’re kind of looked at like seasons, right? But it really is a season of my life. I’ve been talking a lot about my divorce, you know, and what I’m learning through that process. And you all know that this sort of kicked off back in May, where I finally had a merge sort of from my hidey hole of grief, and built up enough strength, I can literally feel my stomach turning. I’m like, so I’m because I remember that time so deeply. And it was so hard. And I emerged enough to be able to articulate out loud to you that I was going through a divorce, and that I was divorcing and my family did not look the same anymore. And that I you know was working through what it meant about myself and about my life and my future, my finances and I only was able to talk about it. I mean, at that point, we were almost a year into being separated, in the process and the filing and all that stuff and but I was only able to say it out loud, because I’d finally been able to believe it, that it was really happening in person.

And then I shared with you that I’d fallen in love again, and you know, and all the bits and pieces in between and all that stuff was true and authentic and real and about where I was. But there were all also pieces that I hadn’t talked about, you know, and essentially, I want to let you know that I’m bringing this season to a close. That in the release of Nothing is Missing, I wasn’t just releasing a story into the world, you know, I wasn’t just releasing lessons that I’ve learned, I was catching y’all up so I could also close the door. I was releasing this previous life that I had, so that I can start really embracing and living completely in my new one.

And I wish I could say more chapters are closed. I mean, I’m still dealing with divorce, you know, and I’m still learning how to be a mom, you know, as a divorcee, and in a new relationship and in a new city. And you know, all of those things, you know, they’re always ongoing things, and I’ll talk about them here as they apply. But I do want to let you know that one thing that’s not changing is our time that we spend here together and trying to keep it as real and transparent with what I know, right? And as vulnerable with what I’m comfortable talking about, because I understand it enough to talk about it.

But I want to let you know that this is going to be the last chat within the season of starting over. And it’s not because I’m not going to be called to start over again, if you’ve paid attention to our previous chats, you know that starting over is going to keep happening, right? I’m always going to be starting over in one way, shape, or form and so are you. But I’m not starting over again. You know, what I need to do is tap into what I talk about in my book, which is living boldly.

I’m at a place where I finally have accepted that this is my life. I haven’t been plopped into something I didn’t decide for myself. I chose to be divorced, you know, I chose to get into a new relationship. You know, I chose to have to be a mother in this way and even though there are some things that I may not have wanted to work out a certain way or that, you know, you’re not in control of others, you know, others have shown up in a certain way, I chose this life. And I’m going to tell you the truth, I like it. I like the life I have. And I’m so happy with it, even though it’s a mess. If you remember from my book, and also from here, a common thing that you hear me say my mantra, especially in the starting over season, is everything is wrong, everything is right and nothing is missing.

Everything is so deeply wrong about my life, because it doesn’t look anything like what I planned, you know, and starting over, is going to do that. But everything’s right. Like for the first time in a long time, my life is so deeply meaningful and forward moving, even though it is a utter, complete and entire mess from what I thought it would be. But I want to transparently share that I want to talk to you about how I am choosing to make really big and bold calls, even if I’m not sure what the outcome is going to be.

I want to have conversations in this next season and next chapter about what it looks like to align even deeper with what God has sent me to do. I want to talk about the fears of what if I talk about this thing and it gets me canceled? Right? When I tell you, when you release a book, particularly a memoir, right? so I didn’t write a book that’s like a children’s book. You know, I didn’t write a fiction book about other characters, I wrote about myself. You write in a bubble for four years, you have no idea how people are going to receive it. I will say I shared the book with people in my life and pieces of it at least.

And I was very clear in advance of publishing the book, you know how I was going to address certain elements and certain stories and to get feedback and to ask people how they felt and all of that. I was very careful about that because, you know, when your story intersects with others, you want to be mindful of that. But at the end of the day, no matter what you’re going to get responses and feedback from the masses when they read it. And I’m grateful because the response was overwhelmingly positive. I mean, I have been floored by how generous and kind and impactful people I have said my book is and how they’re interacting with it. But it’s not lost on me that I really put myself out there. And I’ve had to have a lot of conversations over the book tour about what this book is about.

So, if you haven’t read the book, I do want you to know that it is the memoir of my life. And if you go back in this season, or if you even start from season one, you’ll hear kind of the journey of that, but this is more of the behind the scenes, you know, it is the, the breakdown of my health, the breakdown of my marriage, the growth, you know, I used to be so anxious and stressed and angry. And just, I was running a business and the business was working but I didn’t like the way I was doing it. I did not like the relationships that I was having. I didn’t like how I was showing up and I felt that in every aspect of how I was living.

And there’s something that has happened now, where because you all have this story in your hands. And because I’ve had some of these conversations. And for those of you who’ve only listened to the podcast, when I tell you even those conversations had an element of surface to them, because I wanted to honor the background with the book. But it’s all out there now. It’s out there. And now we can really talk. And I’m excited for it. So what does that mean? What does that mean our next chat is going to sound like? Because this is it. Right? This? Is it for the surface level? This is it for the high, high level 30,000 view kind of this is what’s going on. But I’ll tell you more later, you know, what does it mean for us to not talk like that anymore. What that means is I’m going to tell you things that you may not like. What it means is some of you are going to unfollow me. It means that some of you are going to have side conversations about things like, Did you hear what Nicole talked about, you know, on her season? Some of you are going to have full on jaw drop moments, it also means that there are going to be some episodes where I’m going to give you a full on headphones warning, which is your little clue in that the kid should not listen to this one. Or that you need headphones in the office because I’m going to, you know, really dive deep and be candid in my language so that you can really understand it without anything minced. And I’m excited about it. I’m excited about it.

And for those of you who have read the book or have a copy with you, we’re going to follow along. And we’re going to take it piece by piece, because in this book, every single chapter, there are 29 chapters, I go over a mindset, a thought, a belief system that I held that affected my life. I’ll give you some examples for those of you again, who have read the book. And those include things like life is the meeting and solving of problems. Choosing your heart, you are worthy when you wake up, right. And I know all of those sound fluffy and motivational. But when I get into the grid, the stories that are not in the book, because I understand that a book goes through a lot of editing. And there are things that I wanted to put in there that just did not make it to the table. But we’re going to talk about it and we talked about it on tour and I saw what it did impact wise. So we’re going to keep it very, very real. It’s not fluffy, we’re going to really dive in. But there are also things here that I know are going to make some of you cringe because you did not know that this is how I believed or this is a value that impacted my life or that it’s something that shaped who I am.

And I’m gonna say it out loud, I’m going to tell you because it could shape who you are. And I also want our relationship to again, always move forward in the most complete way. And we’re growing up together, you know, so I want us to grow in our relationship too. So you know, we’re gonna talk about things like black women are everything. You know, and that is chapter 10 of my book. And it is something that I believe and I know some of you may hear that and say, what does she mean by that? If Black women are everything does that mean every other woman isn’t? No, it means that and we’ll dive into it when it comes time to talk about this conversation. So if you’re willing to stick with me and hear it out, I think you’re gonna get a lot from it. But when I say Black Women or everything, I mean that with my whole chest, and you can fight me on it. And the reason why I say that is because of the fact that I would not be here without black women. And that is evidenced by my book tour. In every single room, it was 90% black women, because one thing that I know is that black women show up for me because we show up for each other.

And in chapter 10 of my book, I share a story. If you’ve already read it, you know this one. But if you haven’t just a little sneak peek, I share a story of how I got started in this business and the very first woman who told me, Nicole, you have a voice and you’re saying something worth hearing were black women. And they came to me within a church and they said, Look, you need to keep going, because what you’re doing is ordained, you’ve got something that’s worth pursuing.

And all my life, whether it’s there, or in corporate, or anywhere else, or on this book tour, I have only arrived where I am on the backs of black women. Now doesn’t mean that I haven’t been helped by other women, it doesn’t mean that I’m not blessed to have a community that is truly diverse, and truly robust. And, you know, even my own Misterfella is Hungarian, you know, it doesn’t mean that I don’t understand love and have space for all the women who have shown up in my life. And I will also say categorically, it’s women, you know, that is really something for me. But I have to tell you that when I walk into a room, and I see another black woman there, there is a feeling of home that supersedes anything else. And I want to make it very, very clear how much I deeply love black women and how grateful I am. And I want to share this, particularly for the women who aren’t black, that listen to this podcast, because I want you to love them too. And black women deserve to be loved, because of what they contribute to our culture, to our workplace, to our conversation, to identity, how they show up and if you love me, a huge part of our relationship is founded on and is because I am black. And I really want to talk about that in a big way. I raised three black daughters, and you are all internet aunties. And I know it’s so easy to live in a world where we don’t want to talk about race, because it’s uncomfortable. But you know, these are the type of things I want to dive into because I want you to know that we can’t gloss over those things. And we have a foundation, where you know that you’re safe here to have these conversations.

And you know, this space that I’m coming from, and you know, I wouldn’t waste your time if it wasn’t worthy to talk about. But we need to get more transparent, and even more authentic. And we need to remove some of the fluff in those conversations, and you know that you’re safe to have them here. And for the black women who are listening, who you know, may not need to be told what they already know, I want to affirm very clearly so that you can understand how seen you are and deserving you are and and I hope that this brings us all closer.

So it’s a call for us to stand in the uncomfortable together. And to know that we will be just fine. And to know that this next chapter is actually going to leave us better. And that these next conversations are going to be transformative. But the only way we can do them is if I’m willing to make the bold move to remove some of the veil that can come with the fear around what it’s going to mean to speak boldly. I’m grateful. You know, I have made the money, had the homes, had the car, gotten the titles, made the list. But again, I’ve been sent to do very specific work. And what you’re going to see in this next season is me answering that bold call. And also asking you to step up into your bold calling, whatever that may be. And know that whatever the outcome is, it’s going to be worth it.

So I want you to know that even if you haven’t read the book, even if you are just meeting me on day one, I’m excited for you. Because the person you’re going to meet is one who is not fully formed, but really stepping into their own. And I think that provides us an opportunity to start a relationship in a very real place. And for those of you who’ve known me from before, if you thought that I was keeping it real, it’s about to get a whole lot realer. And I’m excited for where this journey is gonna go because no matter what we are all going to grow together.

And as always, we continue these conversations on social, if you follow me at Nicole Walters, on Facebook and everywhere else, and y’all, let’s keep it going. I have no problem with that. Challenge me, ask me questions, let’s have these conversations, bring them to the podcast, it would be a joy.

But I also want you to know that the whole point of this is, I’ve been really, really good. This is my one superpower, in not being fearful, see, that’s not even sure let’s be honest, even while afraid, being first. I’ll be the first. I was watching my little one over Halloween trick or treating, and her friends were always afraid to go up and knock on the door. And if you know anything about Puffin, she’s quiet. She’s introverted. She is not the person when you’re in a room that would always go first. She likes to observe, she likes to watch and then figure out her place. But as she’s gotten older, I’ve noticed that she’s developing this leadership trait where if no one’s going to do it, she’s not afraid to step up and get it done. And I realized that I know she’s my adopted baby, right. But I’ve raised her since she was three and she gets that from her mama. Right? She gets that from me, that is a me thing. It’s stepping into the room. And looking and assessing what needs there are and figuring out how to stand in the gap.

And even if you’re afraid because I know for Halloween when her friends were standing back and she was like, I’ll go knock on the door. I’m not going to be worried about it. I’m going to get it done. But that was not something she did that wasn’t kind of a little scary for her. But she had faith that there was goodness on the other side. There was candy, obviously, right? But she also knew that whatever the outcome was that they didn’t answer, if they did answer that she could handle it that she would be able to speak up and say trick or treat first. And, you know, I was so proud to watch her not be afraid to be bold.

And if there’s anything that we need as women, as marginalized people, as business owners, as mamas, it’s to not be afraid to be bold, we have to be bold in the workplace, anybody gonna give it to us, we have to open our mouth and ask for it. We have to be bold in our relationships. So much of the demise of my relationship was because I settled and did not speak up for what I deserved. We have to be bold in our business. You deserve to be paid in full on time, what you are do, plus tax. Boldness serves you, and it looks good on you. And if I have to be bold, in starting to have the conversations with you, without all the veils, without all the nuances, you know, being mindful of grace, being kind and sensitive to the fact that we’re all in different places in our learning, understanding in our lives, but also challenging us a little bit to feel a little uncomfortable. Then I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it at risk of the fact that you might say, Nicole, I need to take a minute here. Several of you said that when you were reading the book, that there were times where you were like, this makes me uncomfortable because you are speaking into my life in a way that I’m not ready to hear. I had to put you down for a second Nicole right. I had to pause the audiobook and say, Oh, no girl, not today. You’re not coming for me. Well, listen, we’re going to do that a little bit here too, because it’s in my willingness to boldly step up and have these tougher conversations that I know I’m going to grow because I’m willing to share on a level that I’ve never shared before. But I also know that it’s going to unlock things for you, where you may have thought certain things about me, you may have had certain ideas around why I do certain things or what I may believe, or how I want to show up in the world.

And if you understand the full picture around that, you’re also going to understand how God is working in my life and why things have worked out the way they have. And it’s my hope that in unpacking that you can see yourself in that journey. It’s not lost on me that so many of you who have followed along here and on social, you have no idea how different you look. When I say different, I mean backgrounds. I mean, I went on this book tour, and I met people who grew up with every single need met in their life, incredibly wealthy. I met self-made Millionaires, I met people who are still trying to figure it all out single moms. I’ve met college students, you know, who are just trying to start out in the world and navigate. I mean, we all come from different lives. And you may not realize that because of the seat that you’re sitting in right now, and saying, Oh, well, I follow Nicole for these reasons. But I want you to know that we are all part of a singular community. And if we could all be in a room together, we realize how similar we are. And I can tell you collectively, as a community, one thing that can serve us is one, what we’ve talked about before, which is having the grace and the gumption, around knowing that we deserve to be able to start over shamelessly.

And that’s what I hope that we’ve gained from our previous conversations, that you are entitled to deserving and worthy of a right to say, I don’t want to be this person anymore. I don’t want to have this life anymore. And I’d like to start over. But I also want us to know that once we’ve decided and own that about ourselves, we have a right to boldly determine where we want to go and what we deserve in that world and call it and create it into our lives.

And that means I gotta go first. Just like my little baby, I gotta go first. So that means that I’m starting a new season. And in that new season in our new chats and our new conversations, I’m going a little deeper. We’re going to be a little bolder, and it may make us uncomfortable and some of y’all may tap out. But you know what, for those of you who stay here, where we’re going to go is limitless. And I just cannot wait to see what’s possible.

XXX

So I want you to know that even if you haven’t read the book, even if you are just meeting me on day one, I’m excited for you. Because the person you’re going to meet is one who is not fully formed, but really stepping into their own. And I think that provides us an opportunity to start a relationship in a very real place. And for those of you who’ve known me from before, if you thought that I was keeping it real, it’s about to get a whole lot realer. And I’m excited for where this journey is gonna go because no matter what we are all going to grow together.

And as always, we continue these conversations on social, if you follow me at Nicole Walters, on Facebook and everywhere else, and y’all, let’s keep it going. I have no problem with that. Challenge me, ask me questions, let’s have these conversations, bring them to the podcast, it would be a joy.

But I also want you to know that the whole point of this is, I’ve been really, really good. This is my one superpower, in not being fearful, see, that’s not even sure let’s be honest, even while afraid, being first. I’ll be the first. I was watching my little one over Halloween trick or treating, and her friends were always afraid to go up and knock on the door. And if you know anything about Puffin, she’s quiet. She’s introverted. She is not the person when you’re in a room that would always go first. She likes to observe, she likes to watch and then figure out her place. But as she’s gotten older, I’ve noticed that she’s developing this leadership trait where if no one’s going to do it, she’s not afraid to step up and get it done. And I realized that I know she’s my adopted baby, right. But I’ve raised her since she was three and she gets that from her mama. Right? She gets that from me, that is a me thing. It’s stepping into the room. And looking and assessing what needs there are and figuring out how to stand in the gap.

And even if you’re afraid because I know for Halloween when her friends were standing back and she was like, I’ll go knock on the door. I’m not going to be worried about it. I’m going to get it done. But that was not something she did that wasn’t kind of a little scary for her. But she had faith that there was goodness on the other side. There was candy, obviously, right? But she also knew that whatever the outcome was that they didn’t answer, if they did answer that she could handle it that she would be able to speak up and say trick or treat first. And, you know, I was so proud to watch her not be afraid to be bold.

And if there’s anything that we need as women, as marginalized people, as business owners, as mamas, it’s to not be afraid to be bold, we have to be bold in the workplace, anybody gonna give it to us, we have to open our mouth and ask for it. We have to be bold in our relationships. So much of the demise of my relationship was because I settled and did not speak up for what I deserved. We have to be bold in our business. You deserve to be paid in full on time, what you are do, plus tax. Boldness serves you, and it looks good on you. And if I have to be bold, in starting to have the conversations with you, without all the veils, without all the nuances, you know, being mindful of grace, being kind and sensitive to the fact that we’re all in different places in our learning, understanding in our lives, but also challenging us a little bit to feel a little uncomfortable. Then I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it at risk of the fact that you might say, Nicole, I need to take a minute here. Several of you said that when you were reading the book, that there were times where you were like, this makes me uncomfortable because you are speaking into my life in a way that I’m not ready to hear. I had to put you down for a second Nicole right. I had to pause the audiobook and say, Oh, no girl, not today. You’re not coming for me. Well, listen, we’re going to do that a little bit here too, because it’s in my willingness to boldly step up and have these tougher conversations that I know I’m going to grow because I’m willing to share on a level that I’ve never shared before. But I also know that it’s going to unlock things for you, where you may have thought certain things about me, you may have had certain ideas around why I do certain things or what I may believe, or how I want to show up in the world.

And if you understand the full picture around that, you’re also going to understand how God is working in my life and why things have worked out the way they have. And it’s my hope that in unpacking that you can see yourself in that journey. It’s not lost on me that so many of you who have followed along here and on social, you have no idea how different you look. When I say different, I mean backgrounds. I mean, I went on this book tour, and I met people who grew up with every single need met in their life, incredibly wealthy. I met self-made Millionaires, I met people who are still trying to figure it all out single moms. I’ve met college students, you know, who are just trying to start out in the world and navigate. I mean, we all come from different lives. And you may not realize that because of the seat that you’re sitting in right now, and saying, Oh, well, I follow Nicole for these reasons. But I want you to know that we are all part of a singular community. And if we could all be in a room together, we realize how similar we are. And I can tell you collectively, as a community, one thing that can serve us is one, what we’ve talked about before, which is having the grace and the gumption, around knowing that we deserve to be able to start over shamelessly.

And that’s what I hope that we’ve gained from our previous conversations, that you are entitled to deserving and worthy of a right to say, I don’t want to be this person anymore. I don’t want to have this life anymore. And I’d like to start over. But I also want us to know that once we’ve decided and own that about ourselves, we have a right to boldly determine where we want to go and what we deserve in that world and call it and create it into our lives.

And that means I gotta go first. Just like my little baby, I gotta go first. So that means that I’m starting a new season. And in that new season in our new chats and our new conversations, I’m going a little deeper. We’re going to be a little bolder, and it may make us uncomfortable and some of y’all may tap out. But you know what, for those of you who stay here, where we’re going to go is limitless. And I just cannot wait to see what’s possible.

XXX

So it’s been a blessing for us to have our time over this last season as we’re starting over and figuring out fresh starts and getting to the bottom line of who we are and how we want to show up and acknowledging that, you know, a lack of clarity is part of the process but we have to chase that clarity in an ongoing way while extending ourselves and giving ourselves some grace.

But what I’m excited about is that for this next season of our life, while taking all the lessons from the one prior, we’re going to walk and live boldly. We are going to walk into every room knowing we deserve to be there. We are going to say who we are and know who we are with our whole chest. We are going to have uncomfortable conversations that are still laced in love and that are still rooted in honesty, tolerance, kindness and grace. And we’re going to know that nothing is missing isn’t just a mantra, but it’s a practice. And I want us to have conversations where nothing is missing.

So friend, I’m grateful to you for standing with me and all the hard of the previous season and I’m thankful for you for being with me and creating and uplifting and being part of the joy that came along with the last season. And I want to honor that by standing with you and doing it together as we start to live boldly. Grab your books, tune in, show up and let’s dive deep.

 
In this episode, we chat about:
  • Why it’s time for our chats here to get much deeper,
  • How we’re shifting the conversation from starting over to living boldly,
  • What to expect out of Season 4 of The Nicole Walters Podcast, and
  • How the release of my memoir prepared us to take our chats here to the next level

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:
  • Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
  • Send me a DM on Instagram and Facebook!
  • Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
  • Don’t miss our last episode with The Misterfella on how we worked together for the first time! Listen here!
  • I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.