I’m Sorry
I’m Sorry
You know I don’t consider myself a parenting expert or a mom of the year, in fact I am just doing the best I can with what I got every single day! That’s why this episode is different than the rest because I’m sharing something that’s been on my heart when it comes to parenting. Today we’re talking about respect and when to say I’m Sorry. I’m really excited to have this chat with you.
Friend, thank you for coming here each week so we can have these conversations together! I love hearing from you on Instagram, Twitter, and in my email inbox. Let me know what you think after this episode too!
I’m so grateful for you friend – thanks for listening.
(00:00):
Hey friend, you’re listening to The Nicole Walters Podcast. I’m a former six-figure corporate executive who woke up every morning feeling stuck in the life that I built for myself but using my corporate skills I took to the Internet and built a multi-seven-figure business, showing others how they can build a life they love. Now on this podcast, I share stories of being an entrepreneur, a mom to my three amazing girls and a wife to my crazy, cooky dancing Hubbin. I’ve had a couple of viral videos too. So you know there’s going to be a lot of laughs here. So whether you’ve seen me on my viral vids or on the Today Show or read about me in Forbes, this is the place where we can meet, share stories, share laughs, and share fun. I’m your best friend in your head. So sit back, listen close, and let’s get started.
(00:52):
So I am beyond thrilled for us to have this time here together and for us to connect and chat and talk about all the things. Now today’s chat is actually a little different because you know that, um, I try not to style myself as a parenting expert or some mom of the year or anything like that. Lord knows I am doing the best I can with what I got every single day. So for me to ever pretend like I have it all together, couldn’t be further from the truth. Heck if you’ve been watching my show, She’s the Boss on USA network every Thursday at 10:30 PM Eastern, you know good and well that I’m a hot mess, but that said there is something that’s been on my heart to talk about. And I got to say, it’s always a little bit weird, right? Because we want to make sure that we’re respecting every person’s individual right to parent the way they see fit..
(01:47):
I’m a big believer in that. Right? However, I do also like, as friends, that come here every single week to chat, to have this moment where we can kind of connect and talk about what I have learned in my new parenting. So here’s what I found because I’m a newer mom, meaning I’ve only been at this thing for six years. I actually am coming at it in a perspective that maybe a little different from yours. And I don’t mean different, good or bad. I just mean different. And I wanted to kind of lend my perspective. And I also want to let you know that anything that I say I would love to hear your perspective on it. I would love for you to drop me a DM, shoot me an email, or throw me a tweet because as I’m looking to develop and grow in my own parenting, I am always interested to hear your thoughts.
(02:38):
And I really like fostering these conversations. So definitely say something back. If you got some thoughts on this, but here’s, here’s what I want to talk about today. I noticed, and not just from the internet aunties, but also from, you know, we’ve got people who are joining in, in our thing, right? We’ve had this internet friendship for a while, but people are joining in our thing that there always seems to be a lot of surprise feedback on how I have conversations with the girls. And I want to, I’ll dive deep on that. So what I mean is that if you’ve watched She’s the Boss, or if you have been keeping up on the Lives, or if you’re an internet auntie, who’s been here since day one when I was dropping the Puffin in the toilet and trying to figure out potty seats, you know, that I am extremely conversational in a fairly serious way with my kids.
(03:29):
Meaning I ask them their opinion. I honor their right for space. I take legitimate weight to their perspective. And I apologize to them, especially when I do it wrong. And especially when I should have gotten it right. And it’s okay. Always been interesting to me, particularly in feedback from the show and from some of the interviews and press that I’ve done recently, that that’s actually something that gets called out a lot. Now, if you are watching our hilarious videos on Instagram, Facebook, you name it, we’ve got tons of them that have gone viral. You also know that we keep it light around the Walter’s house. We laugh a lot. We have fun. We don’t take ourselves too seriously. And frankly, my kids don’t take me seriously at all. You know, I mean, I am an old school parent, meaning I do want to make sure that our kids have certain values and that they understand that we try to do right in the world.
(04:24):
We try to be the people we say we are, and that we try to make sure that we’re leaving things better than we found them. And that is all a part of how we carry ourselves, how we interact with each other and how we show ourselves grace and extend it. So all of that is reflected in my parenting. My kids are not going to get any free rides and they’re not going to get any easy out passes, but ultimately it’s a home full of respect. And that doesn’t just mean respecting me as the adult in the house. It also means me returning that respect to them. And that’s actually the thing that I wanted to talk about friend, is that weird? I mean, I know that we’re living in a society now where a lot of conversations are coming to the forefront that frankly probably should have been at the forefront a long time ago.
(05:10):
Things like respecting your personal boundaries, things like owning your right to say no more often, taking vacations, self care, extending yourself grace and owning and embracing imperfection. I mean, all of these things are hot topics and trending hashtags on Instagram, Twitter, and all over social media. But I also think it’s interesting that it seems it has really hit at the core of a lot of people when they see the way I interact with them. Let me give you an example, on an episode of She’s the Boss, I had interaction, if you will. And if you saw the episode, you know exactly what I’m talking about with a PTA mom. And in that interaction I basically had on my business hat instead of my mom hat and long story short, I had to make it right in the long run. And if you didn’t catch it, check your DVR, this episode’s a good one.
(06:01):
But at one point, and you’ll see it on the episode, but it happens all the time in our house. I just sat down with the Puffin and when I sat down with her, I explained to her, look, I messed this thing up and I got it wrong. And I’m really sorry. And it wasn’t okay and I’ll make it right. And this is a simple interaction that I try to apply everywhere, not just with my kids, but with my husband, with my friends, with my students, with my clients, and hopefully, and increasingly with myself, sometimes you get it wrong. You’re really sorry. And you’ll do better the next time. And I got so much feedback about this interaction. People saying that they grew up in homes where parents didn’t apologize to their children and that they thought it was really noteworthy and actually a little special that I took the time out to say that this was my mistake and I will fix it.
(06:55):
I got a lot of feedback from therapists who said that they were really excited to see that behavior modeled, not just for other parents, but also for other children to know and realize that it’s reasonable to have expectations when they are wronged, that somebody will make it right, whether that person’s an adult or another little person. So I guess that’s what I wanted to ask of you. And maybe for both of us to reflect on. I know that when I’m in my therapy sessions, often I grew up in a home that was more than old school, it was African. And not only are African parents never wrong, but you’re definitely not going to call them on it. And that meant that I grew up in a home where a lot of times I may have had feelings or thoughts or perspectives around how things were handled, how I was treated or things that I’ve seen that couldn’t really be discussed.
(07:46):
And it was something that I was mindful of in my own parenting, not only if I ever decided to have, or decide to have biological children. But it’s something that I was particularly mindful of with my own kids. See my girls come from a background that’s laden in trauma and they’ve witnessed and seen a lot of difficult things. So trust and truth are very important in our household. They’re so important that it’s something that we really keep at the forefront. And that’s maybe one of the learnings that I want to pass on, if you’ve noticed this as well in our interactions. It really works for us to kind of have things open-handed in front of our kids. Kids are really, really smart things back to your own upbringing. How long, how often did you understand more about what was going on than the adults ever let on?
(08:36):
How often did you overhear whisperings and know something was coming and wish you were in a position where you were able to ask about it? I mean, think about right now when you’re in corporate and the company keeps telling you, we’re not letting anyone go, we feel really good about it, but you see all the meetings and you hear about the calls. Your boss seems really tense and you know something is coming. It’s not really the best environment to be in. And then when I think about parenting, when you know, your parents are the ones you’re supposed to trust more than anything else, and you’re kind of counting on them to have your wellbeing in mind. It’s really tough when you know that they’re not being forthright about something and there’s no other place to go to get those answers. We knew when raising our girls that that wasn’t a home that we wanted to raise them and not just for our own personal value system, but also for their own well being.
(09:29):
We knew that if there was something going on and it was clear that they were going to be able to detect it and even more, if they were smart enough or capable enough or bold enough to ask about it, they deserved an answer and an honest one, and that’s how we’ve been approaching it. And it’s working really well for us. See, even with our oldest daughter, our BigTiny, she comes from a background where things weren’t always the truth and frankly lies weren’t even always a bad thing. Sometimes they were protective. Sometimes it was a way to maintain survival. So with us, we try to be forthright. We’ve always said, “Hey, you know, we may not have all the answers. We may not have it all figured out. We may not know left from right, or how this is going to play out. But what we do know is that we will tell you exactly what is going to happen next when we have that information.
(10:23):
And what we do know is that you can always trust that we have your back and that you will always be protected and seen first.” And it’s really worked for us. It’s helped us get closer as a family. Our kids know that we’ve got their back and they know that they can trust that if something’s going to change, we’re going to let them know right away. And they don’t have to live in a place of anxiety. And that we’re going to be right by their side the entire time. Now there’s the other side of it, friend. What if that thing is something that you screw up? What if you mess something up? What if you missed a birthday or forgot a gift or messed up with carpool pickup or, you know, the kids caught you on a bad day and you raised your voice.
(11:07):
What if they overheard some bad words on a phone call or maybe saw you not being your best self towards your spouse or your partner? What do you do in that situation? I don’t know the fancy answers. And I’m certain that there’s a therapist out there who’s going to say, “I don’t know if that’s how I’d approach it,” but I will tell you what we do because we try to have that open household. Well, we own it. So if I have a bad day and I raised my voice and one of my girls gets caught in the crossfire where I shift from doing one thing and I didn’t take off my business hat and put on my mom hat, I immediately, or as soon as I realize it, circle back and I square it up. I say, Hey, I’m so sorry about that, cutiepie. I was still in my business and it wasn’t okay for me to bring that into mom zone.
(11:56):
And I want you to know that that had nothing to do with you. And a lot of times I’ll use an analogy where I’ll explain, like, you know how when you’re really studying hard and you got super focused and you’ll look up at something else and your face still has a serious business face. It’s because your brain is still in one place, but maybe your mind is in another? That’s what happened. And I make a point of making sure that they understand that they feel safe, that they can ask questions about it and that they recognize that I’m imperfect. And I’m doing my best. Because one of the things that I’ve learned in this weird parenting world is that if I don’t teach my girls how to extend grace, how will they ever learn to extend it to themselves? And Lord knows they need it.
(12:42):
Right? I don’t want my girls, when I leave this planet someday, beating themselves up at every turn, just for being imperfect. I want them embrace it, seeing those imperfections and using them to propel themselves forward. So I say, sorry, I let them know that I’m working on myself every single day. And there isn’t some magical destination where you’ll suddenly have it all together. I also let them know that even though I’ve made mistakes, I’m working really hard to make sure I don’t do them again. And I let them hold me accountable. If there’s something I say, I’m going to do my girls know that they are safe to say, Hey mom, you said you would do this. Are you going to all through? Is this something you can do that something needs to change? And they do. Now I’m going to have a friend to friend moment.
(13:28):
This kind of sucks. Haha! It kind of sucks. It is not fun to have your kids look you in the face sometimes and say, “Hey mom, didn’t you say that we’d have a mommy daughter day today at 6 o’clock?” Especially when you’re completely tired, especially when you know, you just want to sit down, but it’s made me a better mother because there’s something about your kid looking you in your face, where you’re just like, you know what? I have a choice here. It’s not just about baking those cookies at the last minute that I said I would do. It’s also about the fact that I want to teach them that people do what they say they will do. It’s not just about the action. It’s about the greater lesson. And it’s an opportunity to model that behavior. And as an incentive, I don’t want to circle back and say, I’m really, sorry, I don’t want to have to circle back and have that conversation.
(14:19):
So it’s not easy, but I’m learning. And they’re the ones teaching me. And I’m hoping that in this chat today, that it helps. And that maybe you’ll see and maybe you’ll experience or maybe you have experienced. And you’re getting that kind of confirmation from our chat that there’s really some value between respecting your own children as independent people, developing their own little people brains and learning how to navigate their voices. That when they say no to something like, no, I don’t want to hug that family member or no, I don’t feel like a hopping on the phone with someone at a certain point, or maybe they have a relationship with a friend or they’re not quite ready to make up and make nice. And they need to navigate that emotion that we should grant them the space to work through some of that with conversation of course, and direction, you know, at the end of the day, we’re still mom and dad, right?
(15:15):
And maybe if you haven’t thought about saying sorry once in awhile or being open about the fact that you’re not perfect, and maybe you’ve been scared about doing it in your business or online or at the PTA or wherever else, you realize that a good place to start might be with the littles and know that the love you still, and they’ll trust you more and they’ll grow up not having those same fears because they recognize that, you know what, the first person I ever loved, wasn’t perfect either. And I still love her. So friend, I’m in it with you. This parenting game is not for chumps, but step-by-step, I think we’re getting better. And I know we’re creating some crazy awesome kids out there. I can’t wait to hear from you! Hit me up on social and I’ll see you this week on She’s the Boss on USA network this Thursday at 10:30 PM EST. You’ll get to watch and laugh at a new way that I messed all this stuff up. I cannot wait to hang with you! Bye friend!
(16:27):
Thanks so much for listening, friend. If you enjoyed this podcast, head over to Nicole walters.com. I’d love for us to stay in touch. So make sure you drop your email address so I can send you inspiration business details and the occasional funny story. And because I’m so generous, there might even be a selfie in the mix. Thanks again, and make sure you subscribe and come back soon.
In this episode, I cover:
- What I use to guide my parenting,
- Why I parent the way that I do based on my own childhood and my girls’ prior experiences,
- What I’ve gotten a lot of feedback on since She’s the Boss premiered, and
- When and why I say I’m sorry
Resources and links mentioned in this episode:
- Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or shoot me an email at [email protected]!
- Don’t miss She’s The Boss every Thursday at 10:30pm on USA network! You can watch on cable, SlingTV, YouTube TV, and more!
- Have you listened to our last episode on what’s next for me? Listen to it here!
- If you love our chats like I do, I’d so appreciate a review for the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!
More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:
The Nicole Walters Podcast is for the everyday entrepreneur that wants to increase their income but doesn’t know where to start. If that’s you, you’re in the right place!
Nicole Walters is a wife, mom, income strategist, entrepreneur, and the founder of The Monetized Life™. Join Nicole each week for a new episode packed with what you need to know to gain clarity, grow your network and monetize your life using the proven corporate strategies she mastered in 10 years as a Fortune 500 executive.
Whether you’re just starting out and don’t know your next step, or you’re multi-passionate and don’t know the right next step, Nicole is here to break it down for you! Richfriend, let’s add some commas to your bank account!
Listen each week. Do. The. Work, and success WILL come!