No One Chooses Divorce

In sharing the highs and lows with you each week, I’ve learned how important intention is in how we interact with one another. In our chat today we talk about how no one chooses divorce.

This isn’t the chat I had planned but it’s a necessary one and I hope you are better because of it. I’m so grateful to have you here for this season. Head over to Instagram @NicoleWalters to let me know what you’ll do with this lesson.

Talk to you there friend.

Nicole:
Hey, friend. So I had a conversation in mind that I wanted to talk about today, because it’s kind of deals with the previous two chats we’ve been having around dating and divorce. But before I give you that chat, I think I want to address something that I think is really important for everyone, especially me to say out loud. It is not easy to go through transitions, and to discuss some of the hardest moments of your life publicly. And I recognize that it’s my choice. Make no mistake, I’m not so naive as to think that this isn’t something I don’t have to do. But the reason I do it is one because I know I’m strong enough to do it. And two, because I absolutely believe categorically because I’ve been privileged enough to benefit from others doing this, that God delivers you from suffering so that you can help deliver others who remain in that same suffering.

And what has happened is that in sharing my story, I’ve noticed that one of the things that’s a recurring theme and a recurring message, and I honor it, because I understand it, is that so many people want to know why. They want to know why. Because it seemed like everything was okay. And it seemed like we were such a good match. Or it seemed like my partner looked a certain way or seemed a certain way or behaved a certain way towards me or to the kids or to our family. And oh my goodness. That is just, how could it be? You know, relationship goals, right, like all of that. And I think what’s tough is that one, I’ve been pretty intentional about not talking about my marriage, specifically through the years I’ve been on the internet now for 15 years, I’ve had a podcast for three seasons, and I just really never spoke about my marriage, you know, it was just not something I talked about. And if I did, I always was very intentional about addressing the imperfection within my marriage, as I am about all things. Because lord knows I’m imperfect, screaming from the rooftops, and also screaming that we all deserve grace that goes along with it.

But what’s been hard and surprising for me is one, I’ve received so much grace. When I tell you when I have shared vulnerability, I have felt so scared and rejected and hurt and surprised. And just the whole range of feelings that go along with loss, and grief. I have really felt supported, in having so many people reach out and give me so much love because of it. So I’m very grateful for that. But there is the other side of it. And I really will say that it is a minority, right. But I also know that it’s kind of a little wormy in everyone’s brain, you know, which is this big why? And before I get into where I am now, which is a place of happiness, and I am truly being loved well. Like I’m still it’s still hard, getting divorced. Every day is hard. I have moments where even today I feel like my communication is breaking down. I feel like I am frustrated. I feel like I am not even sure like, you know, how I’m going to navigate some of the things and I feel fear, you know, which is part of the divorce process, you know, and like all the paperwork and finalization ins and signatures and all that.

But aside from that, because nothing is missing, I am also being really, really well loved. And I am in a partnership now of almost a year that fills my soul. I am so grateful. Not just because I didn’t know this was possible, but because in a time where you feel, particularly with divorce, where you feel so inept, y’all I feel like sometimes I feel like total loss like how can I not get anything right? I have disappointed the people who thought that I was relationship goals, I have disappointed my children, I have disappointed myself, I’ve disappointed my God. People think that I am, you know, fame got to my head or she lost too much weight, or she thinks she’s too good for people. I mean, just the list of things that people assume about who you are, when divorce happens, depending on what seat they’re sitting in, you know, some people understand and they’re able to read through the lines. Some people have been there before so they don’t know, they already know not to judge and some people want to see you in a certain way. So they’re determined to fulfill that with whatever they get. But even with all of that, when I tell you the fact that I have love in my life from someone who is so good to me, and so good to my kids, and wants, all four of us, is something that I’m so happy about that I still want to give it a dedicated chat, you know, and that’ll probably be, you know, the one after this one after that, you know, something like that, and you’ll know when it’s coming, but I need to talk with you like this first. Because I’m really, really okay. And my kids are very okay, and they’re getting increasingly okay as we’ve made shifts and transitions.

The number one reasons for divorce are money and infidelity. But you know, there are a million other reasons beyond that. And I think a lot of times people see what they want the explanation to be rather than what it may actually be. And we all have to be really mindful. It’s not just with divorce with anything. With assuming or projecting what we think the rationale is. Because if you’re wrong, can you imagine the harm you can cause? And I want to let you know, I’m okay. It’s part of why I did not talk about my divorce. One because and I say this for anyone who’s going through anything right now. And I truly I want you guys to hear this, anyone who’s going through anything right now, whether it is a divorce, or a job change, or a physical illness or ailment, or a sick child or monetary issues, you don’t owe anyone your pain. I don’t care if you’re a person who used to walk through the town square, stark naked and put everything on Front Street.

If you decide at any point in time that the only way you can handle what you can handle is by keeping it private to yourself, you are 100% allowed to do that. And that is healthy and normal and whole. And if anything, the best place to share from is one where you’ve already done your healing because the responses that you can get from people could harm you further. And so this is twofold. One, if you’re in that position, or that seat, I just want to applaud you for being able to get through things with privacy and grace, because it can be a hard lonely place. But know that you are entitled to that privacy and privacy does not equate shame. Privacy equates a Respect for self, a respect for your family and respect for your children and their future. And you absolutely deserve to be in that place of privacy that entire time.

I also want to share that, you know, when it comes to being on the other side of it, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being curious. After seeing so much of my family’s life and anyone’s life, you know, shared or at least feeling like you saw so much because you know a 15 second clip or a three minute video or a 30 minute show is hardly someone’s entire life. I can understand that there is an attachment and a love there. And a just sheer concern if anything else you know about it and it’s why it’s been so important for me to address things openly. And to say like the babies are alright, and I’m alright and everything is good. But I also want to let you know and this goes out to not just my sweet internet aunties who have held us so close and prayed for us and covered us but those who tend to watch in a spectator way who maybe don’t really know how they feel about anything. I just want to let you know that if I were to be getting divorce because of abuse or if I were to be getting a divorce because of infidelity, or if I were to be getting a divorce because of domestic violence, or addiction, or harm, or emotional, financial, physical. And instead, the languaging that’s being used is that the person who you know, and who you’re familiar with, which in this case is me, deserved it or initiated it, or required it or brought it upon themselves or let something go to their head. I want to let you know how damaging and harmful that is. But I also want to let you know how not required it is.

That is the point of this chat. It’s not specifically about how people are treating me with regard to my divorce, because you know, people are sort of just finding out it’s the internet, right, because of the algorithm, there’s a constant sort of rebirth and re-following and refinding out. And I don’t feel the need to explain to anyone why I’m getting divorce or if it’s happening, or whatever, you know, because it’s happening, it’s here, it’ll pass and we’ll move on, right. But the lesson I’m learning from this that I really want to extract and call out today is intentionality in our response to things.

So we’ve already spoken a lot about rescuing people about, you know, trying to hear about, you know, sort of internet gossip and being really quick with, you know, our things that we say, or, you know, wanting to support our kids, but beating up on ourselves, like we talked about a lot of different things in our chat. But what I want to talk about is the intentionality in our response. When I tell you, I get some responses from you that are so loaded with kindness and grace, that just, I can feel that there was such great intention, and awareness that was taken with how I was responding to care, that is indicative of a heightened maturity, of a deep understanding of self, and a generosity that I’m certain isn’t just extended to me, but to all who meet them. And so for those of you who do that, I appreciate it. But I also want to let you know that it’s something that I’ve had to learn and that has served me well in my business and in my life regarding my children, regarding my wasband, regarding my current partner, regarding my employees.

I do this thing now where if I’m in a situation where I am not sure, am confused, or curious, or you know, angry, I just pause first. Even if my kids say something to me that feels kind of outlandish like Mom, I have a boyfriend I want to drop out of school or I don’t like this food or what have you. I’ve started just pausing before I respond. And this was not always me. As you guys know, I’m quick witted, I’m fast to you know, a response like I am high energy, I’m able to really just spit it out. And I have learned that intentionality of response in relation to text messages. And you don’t have to answer them right away. Even if they come in right away. In relation to phone calls, you can let it go to voicemail until you’re prepared to respond in relation to emails, it will not kill anyone, if it sits in that inbox for five seconds in relation to the internet, if something incites and emotion in you, it’s probably worth honoring that motion and motion for a moment before responding to make sure that that response comes from your best self.

So many of us believe that we are not capable of being our best selves because there’s a way that we’ve always been. Well, I’ve always been wanting to tell it like it is or I’ve always been wanting to call it out. Or it’s my job to hold that person accountable or I feel like this is how it should be or I want to be the first to say this thing. But I want to let you know that there is a major and deep pride in being able to say that no, what I’ve said was reflected on it was said with kindness. It is helpful and it is necessary. The necessary part being really important. Knowing that divorce is challenging for everyone involved, just like any breakup, whether it is a career change or having, you know, just a regular breakup, you know, not even a marital breakup or you know, starting a new business, you name it. It’s so important to be aware that no matter how you’re feeling someone on the other side is feeling it as well. And it’s so easy with the internet to feel like there is a divide there that is not real, you know?

But the truth is it is. There’s a reason why I don’t post the girls as much. And there’s a reason why you guys have never seen me post, as much as I share, I shared, especially over the years, the happy fun moments of my marriage, you know, I definitely didn’t post, you know, difficult moments excessively. I did discuss it, they occurred, but I did not post them. And part of that is because, you know, the internet is forever. And you know, I don’t want my kids to have to read things like that. And I definitely want to share with them in context. And that intentionality in posting is something that I’ve started using now. So even when my kids asked me about things in relation to the divorce, or in relation to California, and like living a new life out here, you know, I’m so intentional in how I respond to them, because I realize that they’re independent people who have to process the words that I have chosen to say, and that they’re going to apply their feelings to it. And so, I want to be clear that the things that I’m saying here today, they aren’t just to be applied to me, it’d be great if you heard all these things and if you were a person who may have said, Gosh, I could extend more grace to Nicole, you know, I’d love to receive it. Listen, I grace abounds. And I would love to be receiving of an extra dose because I could always use it.

However, this is really mostly about how you may be interacting in your life, if you find that you are being met with negativity, or hostility, or it feels like people are turning you a cold shoulder. Or if you find that you don’t feel great, at the end of the day, emotionally, about interactions with others, I want to let you know that you still have complete control in your response.

So you’ve probably heard people say on the internet, plenty, you don’t have to match that energy, right. So if somebody meets you with crazy, girl, you don’t have to go there either. If your kids are completely running amok around the house, and just utterly chaotic, you can choose to step away for a moment and have a breather, and then reenter in a different spirit. If you find yourself being met with a text message that seems volatile, or an interaction that seems hurtful, or basically just something that’s confusing, you don’t have to match that energy, you can stop, you can pause, and you can continue.

Another place that I tend to use intentional responses is with my kids. I mean, they say some crazy off the wall things and I know my initial gut reaction. You know, having grown up in a traditional household with African parents sometimes is to be like, what, you have a boyfriend you want to go out you want to this, you know, but I do want to let you know like I’m intentional about my response. I may have my blow up moment after but oh my goodness, with my babies, I am intentional. I pause. I had a whole chat with the mid tiny that you guys can listen to a couple back where she said, You know, one of the things that’s that she enjoys about our parental relationship is that I don’t blow up, you know that that the energy you guys are hearing now is really the energy that I try to match parenting with. It doesn’t mean I don’t have the feelings. But I definitely try to be intentional because I recognize that my words have an impact.

So I want you to know that divorce is hard. And nobody ever wants it. And it’s never something that is going to be easy because you get married thinking that your life is going to look a certain way. And you expect that you’re making the decisions that are going to aid that journey. But I’ve learned that all you can control is your response. And how you show up. And sometimes, even with all of that it’s not enough. That you can be a proverbs 31 woman, top to bottom, tend the soil, mend the clothes, be virtuous, faithful, make good coin, and it may not keep things together. But I’ve also learned that things don’t always happen to you. Sometimes they happen for you. And that’s why I’m so excited to tell you about the person that I’m seeing now my partner and it’s the reason I’m sharing him because I will tell you that there is a huge part of me that doesn’t want to. That wants to keep him to myself, that wants to protect him from some of the things cuz that I know, this world can give in terms of judgment. But part of what I want to tell you at least about how he shows up in my life, and you know how I’m learning to differentiate between what is harmful and what is helpful, and how I’m learning to not bring my trauma from old, because I certainly have it, into my relationship of present, so I can preserve it. And how I get to brag on how he loves, loves, loves all three of my babies, and is so generous.

The reason I am deciding to share that is not because I’m some lost girl who’s giddy in love. Yeah, I mean, I’m giddy and I’m happy about it. I can’t help but smile. But the reason why is because I’m being intentional. And if there’s nothing else that you learn from me, it’s that I’m not making it up. I’m not haphazard, I’m very aware. And I’m very well therapy-ed, you know, and I am imperfect, and I make mistakes. But I’m sharing all of this and all these tools, because I know that while we have these chats and you’re on the treadmill, or you’re going for a run or you’re sitting in the office, or you’re in your commute, you’re thinking to yourself, the things that I’m saying right now trigger thoughts of do I quit that job? Do I quit that marriage? Could I mother differently? Am I showing up enough for myself? Could I worry about my health more? Like I know that your brain is cycling through those thoughts. And the reason I share this is because I recognize that people also put me on a pedestal. Heck people think I put myself on a pedestal. They think that I think that I’m better than which baffles me because all I talk about is my Spanx and my bonnets. You know what I mean? And how I worry about all the things but people put me on a pedestal.

And the reason why I do these chats is I want you guys to know you’re so much more than your lowest moment. And that sometimes when it feels like it is challenging to remain where you are but scarier to move to where you want to be. Just seeing that someone else managed to survive that shift is enough to help you make your own. And I want you to see that I’m not just surviving, but I’m thriving. I want you to see me showing up sometimes with tears on the cusp of my eyes. I want you to see that even though I have moments of frustration and pain and difficulty, that I can still manage to be loved in the difficult seasons. Because I deserve it. And you do too.

I want you to see that even though I thought it would look a certain way. And it did look a certain way for so many years that it’s changing, because change happens. And I can’t tell you what it’s going to look like, but that I’m still showing up and I’m trying. And I want you to see it because I don’t know how many places actually show what it looks like for it to be this hard. Or for it to be this messy sometimes. Or how many people actually talk about being genuinely scared. I don’t know if in three years or if in a year, I’m going to not be with this guy and be totally embarrassed about the fact that I was so giddy about it. And you know, coming here and saying, Guys, it’s over. And this is what I’ve learned. But I do want to let you know that when that time comes. And when I’ve healed, I’ll do that. And I do that because living life out loud is the one thing that I know how to do.

I’m great at business. I think I’m a pretty solid mom, imperfect, but pretty solid. I know that I’m a good wife, and I can’t wait to be one again someday. But what I know more than anything else is that these chats mean something, not just as part of my own healing, but potentially to yours. And that’s something I take very seriously. And it’s why I’m intentional in my response to you. You deserve friend.

Send me a message. Let me know what you think about this, drop a comment in the Insta Stories. Let’s talk it through. But I want you to know we’re about to dive even deeper. I’m going to really start getting candid about this process. I’m going to talk to you about the love, the fights, the highs and the lows. Because you know what? There’s always going to be someone who doesn’t like it or someone who thinks it’s not good enough. And I’ve learned that you can be all the things to all the people all the time and be nothing to yourself. And that’s not a life that I want for me and that’s not a life I want for you.

So, go out there, go forth. Take the lessons from today’s chat. And I’ll see you next week where I’ll dive in to my new guy. Talk to you then.

 

In this episode, we chat about:

• The happenings on the internet when you share unexpected news,
• How to know when to speak and when not to,
• Why some people assume or speak into a divorce without knowledge, and
• What we can do to be better

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss the chat about my first date!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.