Babies & Boundaries
Babies & Boundaries
One of the special things about this new season is that I’m going to be sharing more of my favorite people with you and today we’re kicking that off with the most legendary guest who has a lot of experience with babies & boundaries.
This guest came into my life and changed everything and she’s going to be speaking on the subject of boundaries but not just any boundaries — healthy boundaries with our kids.
Before we chat with our incredible guest, I’m answering two questions you sent me! In this Q&A section we talk about how to re-think “balance” when it comes to the responsibilities we have as moms, partners, entrepreneurs, employees, sisters, etc. We also talk about adult friendships and what to do if you can’t trust a friend anymore.
To send me your questions, click HERE!
Friend, thank you for being here and for the love, care, and prayers you’ve sent me the last few weeks. I have felt it all. I’m so glad that we’re doing this together!
Nicole: Hey y’all so I am so excited to be back again with another episode. I know that our first episode of the season really kicked off with a story, but what’s fun about this one is that we’re going to go into our normal format and our format is so fun because it actually is really dynamic and it includes you.
So in the Nicole Walters podcast. You now get to hear you. We’re always going to kick off with some Q & A, and that means that you have the opportunity. If you head over to Instagram @ NicoleWalters, to leave me a question about business, about life, about family, about money, about anything.
And if I’ve got an answer or I know someone who does you better believe that I’m going to bring that answer to you right here. And after we finished our Q and a we’ll dive right into what I love and called. Don’t make yourself content. I tell you, week after week, there are different things that are happening in this world.
And I just want to offer a fresh take on it. And that take really has to do okay. Things based on my experience, one as a child of an immigrant, as a black woman, as a Christian, as somebody who’s trying their darndest to show up in this world the best way. And as someone who’s flawed and imperfect, and just like you, uh, there’s so much out there where I think people are getting caught up in language and thoughts and processes and values that are not grace-filled. So I just want to make sure that we have an opportunity to look at things a different way and don’t make yourself content is all about that. And of course, there’s always a lesson in it because we all have something to learn.
After “Don’t make yourself content,” we will dive into a Storytime and you know, our story times are legendary here. They are so funny and so powerful and so impactful. And it really is my opportunity to put a little bit of color behind the social media, where it may be a little black and white, or we’ll begin chatting with an awesome interview. And our interviews here are not like what you’re used to. I know that podcasts are just filled with the next fancy person coming on or somebody selling or slinging their stuff. And, uh, I’ve never really been big on interviews. I really value our time here to be able to chat as friends and use our time that way and connect. But if there’s someone that I need you to meet, if there’s something that I need you to know, or an expert who honestly knows it better than I do, I want to bring them to you right away.
And I want. Here in our safe space. So that’s what you can always expect next.
And I want to let you know that today on this one, I’m actually kicking off with one of my first interviews that I’ve ever done. I think in the three seasons of the Nicole Walters podcast, I probably only ever done gosh, three interviews, maybe four.
And, um, today’s guest is legendary. I mean, truly one of the most impactful people. She came into my life and changed my life. And, um, and she’s actually going to be speaking on a subject that’s really important to me. And I’d kind of want to start talking about it now. Um, she’s going to be chatting all about boundaries.
And we know that boundaries are important. We know that they affect our life. We know that they are impactful. And, um, and she’s going to come on and talk about boundaries, uh, not just with you, but parental boundaries, boundaries with children and respecting their autonomy in an ever more public and visible world.
And, um, and then also some tips around how to engage with your children as your teaching boundaries and how to leverage your responsibilities. So I couldn’t think of a better person to bring on. So. Stay tuned for that one, because it is chock full of goodness. And of course, like all of our episodes, unless I give you a warning, otherwise it’s totally cool for the family to stay in the room.
So if you’re listening to this in the car with my internet nieces and nephews, listening in the background, I love y’all. Um, you know, you can turn up the volume on this one, cause it’s all set now before I get into all that, goodness, because it’s amazing. Let’s go ahead and answer some Q and a. Now we have some great messages come through.
Uh, thank you guys for always being so open to keep this a dynamic conversation. And this first one is from Porsche.
Porsche: How do you balance new life, new marriage, new career and infertility issues?
Nicole: Oh, sounds like you are carrying a lot friend. And, um, first and foremost, I’m just praying for you and not just you, but anyone who is, uh, going through a lot of transitions in their life. And of course, you know, on top of that, struggling with infertility. It’s not easy to want to create life or to create something with a partner, um, and not have ease in doing that.
But I am, you know, standing in agreement that everyone will have their breakthrough when they’re seeking it. And, you know, as a mother of children who, you know, as an adoptive mother of three children. And, uh, I personally haven’t struggled with infertility issues, but I also understand what it’s like to raise children who, um, may not have been blessed in an ideal situation where they were wanted.
I understand the other side of it, you know, wanting children and struggling with being able to have that. And there’s nothing more beautiful than a child that’s wanted. So just praying over you and praying over anyone, listening, who may be challenged with that right now, now Porsche, the first thing I want to let you know, and I hope you hear me when I say this.
You’ve got to stop putting pressure on yourself to feeling like you’re supposed to be in balance. When you talk about a marriage, when you talk about a career, when you talk about just trying to live and keep up with everything on top of setting goals around starting a family, it’s a lot, it’s a lot, and I’ll be the first one to tell you that balance is bogus. It really is. The best we can ever do is just try to juggle as much as we can. Right. If we’ve got balls in the air, we just want to make sure that we’re not dropping ones that are glass, things that have to do with our health, things that have to do with our faith, things that have to do with our children.
When we do have them, you know, these are the things that are the most fragile and we want to make sure we kind of keep those going, but everything else is kind of rubber. You know, if there’s a due date at work that is putting an undue stress in your life. Use your communication skills to talk to your boss and say, look, I want to turn in my best work. Is there any flexibility here to make sure that I have the room to do that?
Uh, what I found is that whenever things are getting really out of balance, it’s usually a sign that I was in flux with my boundaries. I’ve either over committed or I’ve set expectations that I’m able to do more than I actually can or I put myself in a place where I’ve set these goals. That may be a little loftier. And I haven’t looked at the timeframe that was reasonable to accomplish them without compromising other things. Now, as someone who. I’ve said before, you know, like my friend, Jen always says a seasoned chicken, not a spring chicken, you know, I’ve been, I’ve been around the block a little bit.
Uh, I can tell you that I remember turning 30 and feeling like I was supposed to have done it all. I was supposed to have every single, you know, I checked and T crossed the house, the marriage, the home that I was supposed to have everything done. And one thing that I know, you know, a couple of years into it that not only is that not a reasonable expectation, but I’ve let go of when things are supposed to be done.
And I’m more focused on how they’re done. I want to make sure that I show up into my most successful moments, feeling healthy and good about how I got there. And that’s the shift that I hope that you embrace Porsche. I hope that you understand that nothing matters more than being in the present and enjoying the journey.
So if you’re newly married, focus on that. Celebrate! Love and be excited about your partner. If you are starting a new career, focus on that! You know, focus on being able to do the best you can, where you are learning and asking questions and developing relationships that are going to be fruitful. And if you’re wanting to start a family and there feels like there’s some urgency around that, understand that everything happens at the right time. I was married for seven years before my three girls showed up in my world. And for those of you who are listening are new here, and you’re wondering, how did she become an adoptive mom? That is episode one, the very first episode of the Nicole Walters podcast. And it deserves a dedicated episode because the story is a mindblower. So definitely go back and listen to that.
But Porsche, I do want to let you know. And we were married for seven years and I didn’t expect at any moment to round that corner in Baltimore and stumble into these incredible children. And I definitely at no moment was planning to be a mom, but one thing led to the next, it evolved and it has become the greatest blessing and privilege and honor in my life.
So I also wanna encourage you to know that families are built in a lot of different ways and little did I know my children were born and walking around this world for years and I just hadn’t met them yet.
So the time will come where you’ll be able to invite that love into your life one way or another. But I do want you to know that right now, you are still worthy. You are still valuable. You are not measured in your accomplishments, around your marriage, your fertility, or your career. And that you’re allowed to have joy in this moment, even if you’re not doing a single thing, but sitting on the couch, eating chips. So I’m sending my love to you. And I’m hoping that you recognize that there’s joy in today.
[16:28]
Hi Nicole. I was wondering how do you, um, release a friendship that has been great for you? It’s helped you grow, you’re so thankful and supportive of that person, and you try to show that you care and do as much as you can for them to reciprocate what they’ve been.
But then you just kind of feel that, you know, that’s coming to an end. It’s hard when you want honesty and you just kind of feel that there is passive aggressiveness in it, and they don’t want to be honest with you. Um, the situation is that my friend, he is getting married and I’m more than happy for him.
Uh, he was going have. Guest up until a week ago, he’s a location in Florida. He’s going to have about four people come down and I was one of the four. Um, then he tells me at the beginning of the day that no one’s coming. And I was like, okay, that’s fine. That’s great. You know, I, you know, I’m not entitled to go into a wedding.
I’m honored if you want me there in the first place. Uh, then later, uh, we share a bathroom and I hear him and his fiance talking about having her just two people coming up. And like, I just casually like brought it up later. He said, oh no, no, one’s coming. No one’s coming. And then I, like, I know he’s lying about it.
And I guess like in my head, like it’s just been looping in my head all week. And I don’t care that you have people coming to the wedding because it’s not about me. You know, I want to be there to support you. And obviously it’s your choice who you have there, you know? But, um, it really hurts me that you, you didn’t just say that to me and you’re continually lying to me about it. And I guess that really hurts me that you don’t respect me enough. Um, cause I would do the same for a person if I had to change their wedding. I mean, if I had to change my plans for wedding and originally you’re going to come, but, um, cause I, I would, I would tell you, but anyways, I just want your advice on that, how to get over that situation. Cause that’s just has been cycling in my head for the past few days and I’m just really I’m heartbroken.
Nicole: Oh, man, these friendship questions I tell you, you know, it’s so interesting because, uh, as we get older relationships become more fruitful, more meaningful and closer, but more complex. Right? So, um, releasing friendships are something that I think when we’re younger, we don’t realize we’re going to have to do, but you kind of get past your late twenties. And you start realizing that if you have a friend who’s in your life that really isn’t supportive or helpful, or, you know, providing value, you know, in a mutual way, they don’t have to be a perfect person, but that it actually can impact other things, you know, and as we start really valuing our time more because we’re pursuing other accomplishments, we start really being a little bit more particular about who we invite into our life. So, uh, this is a tough situation. The first thing I’m going to call out is what I think we all know. Weddings turn people into monsters. Holy cannoli. Like, it’s amazing because somebody that you think is perfectly sane and rational and has it all together. I mean, they get engaged and it’s like, who are you?
You know, like, it’s just, it’s amazing. One of the things that I think would take the edge off of that is if we all do celebrate more moments, right? Getting together with the people we love more often than at a wedding or a funeral, because then you’re less likely to get explosions and fireworks when those times happen.
But aside from that, all of that, uh, you know, when I heard what you were saying here, Mitch, all I could think was the foundation of any amazing long lasting and beneficial relationship is truth. It’s honesty, it’s transparency. And if at any point in time, you find yourself consistently questioning whether or not those things are legitimate, whether or not there’s a value behind it, whether or not you can rely on that person to show up and do what they say they will do, well that’s why it gets stuck in your head.
Because it’s natural for us as people to make backup plans, to make contingencies, to sit here and say to ourselves, well, if this person’s not reliable, what do I have to do to compensate for that? And that’s why it’s looping in your head. I mean, it’s hurtful yes. That they weren’t truthful about the situation, but the situation is not the part so much as the fact that they weren’t truthful. And so that’s the big question that I’m going to put back on your plate. Are you willing to accept someone in your life who may not be honest with you all the time? Who may not do what they say they will for whatever reason and how much space, heart space and energy are you willing to dedicate to knowing in advance that they’ve already shown themselves to be that person.
And, uh, frankly, if people show you who they are, you should believe them. And I say this as someone who’s had to release friendships, and I say this, you know, being fully transparent as someone who’s been released, I’ve had friendships where, um, I talk about this in episodes. I can’t remember which episode it was a season one and, um, of the Nicole Walters podcast.
And I was talking about, uh, how I learned in college. I think I was maybe 21 and, um, one of my Good friends at the time that I was very close with actually told me, sat me down, uh, very mature and said, look, you know, Nicole, I can’t be your friend anymore. You’re too extra. You know, and, um, that I was just a lot and that they had goals and they wanted to get into Yale law school.
And I was, you know, always trying to, you know, let’s go get lunch and let’s go have fun and, you know, sure. We can study, but let’s also hang out and get a pizza. And it just, they could not maintain the balance of a friendship with me in addition to these high aspirational goals that they’d set for themselves based on their skills.
And so it was difficult for me to hear. So I’m speaking as your friend on the other side, but I’m telling you even now many, many years later, I’m not going to do the exact number of years. The math does not matter, uh, between how old I was in college and how old I am now. However many, many years later, I still draw from that because the lesson I got out of that, you know, was one people can opt out of you if you display behaviors that don’t suit their life and two, how you show up in a relationship will help determine the benefit, the growth and the value of that relationship.
So I just want to let you know that I know it didn’t feel good to have to experience that. And I know that it is difficult as we get older and refine kind of what we’re seeking in our friendships. But I also want to let you know that you should never deny someone the opportunity to learn from loss. And this may be a valuable learning experience from your friend on how they may need to adapt, move and grow so they can maintain friendships with amazing people like you. So I wish you the best. I know it’ll all work out and if nothing else eat more cake.
Okay. So, yeah typically I would actually talk about, don’t make yourself content here, which is, you know, if you’re new to the podcast, essentially, where I just grab something and I say, look like you saw this thing happening, internet, what a hot mess.
Let’s not make ourselves content. And, uh, we’ve had a lot of award shows in the past couple months, you know, the Grammys, the Oscars, all that good stuff. But for this chat, what I actually want to do is just do a little bit of backstory because I know some of you guys are new as I introduce our next guest. So, uh, I’ve mentioned before, and, or you may have read that I am a adoptive mother to three incredible girls ages, 10, 20 now and 22. And I met my three girls in Baltimore, Maryland. Um, on the side of the road. Their mother was panhandling and going through a difficult time. And I stepped into their life as a mentor, at least that was my intention, you know, and a support system, helping them with school groceries, things of that sort. But after about a month’s time, their mother shared that she’d be incarcerated for about a year and the girls would either be split up, put into professional custody or, um, otherwise assigned into a situation where they wouldn’t necessarily receive the care and attention that they need.
And so I’m in lieu of that, I stepped in and said, well, they can stay with me. So, um, you know, once their mother was released, it became very clear that, uh, the ongoing support and care of the kids, you know, was best within my home and we all kind of collectively agreed. Um, and that was eight years ago. So eight years ago I took in a three-year-old and 11 year old and a 14 year old and over the past eight years, um, became full legal custody, full legal mother of three incredible girls. And they are my greatest blessing and I am so, so thankful to have them, but having had that, you know, lived so much life in just a span of eight years.
Uh, so much of which has been documented on my show on USA network, She’s the boss, but also through this podcast, if you want to hear the full story that’s episode, one of the Nicole Walters podcast episode one season. But it also, uh, has really forced me to become a mother a lot quicker than I guess I anticipated, um, I got three girls, you know, who were deficient in, in several societal marks, you know, but completely whole in everything God gave them in terms of purpose.
And we spend a lot of time, you know, checking a lot of boxes around education and health and, uh, value systems and, uh, teachings. But I also had to quickly adapt to what it meant to be a mother over a mentor. A mentor may stand there and provide support and guidance, but a mother is there unconditionally for the highs and the lows. And, um, I don’t know if you guys are hearing my voice quiver a little bit. It’s probably the most valuable role in the greatest privilege I’ve ever had. And if you’re a mom or even, you know, a sister or play any sort of role in, um, another person’s life in this way, I think you understand what I mean. It’s something that you cherish. Um, it’s something that terrifies you. Um, and it’s something that you take very seriously because you recognize how important it is, um, around shaping another human. So, all that being said, I’ve made mistakes. I am more than willing to say that I’m an imperfect mother, as I’m trying to figure it out day in and day out.
Uh, you know, sometimes I feel like I’m there all the time. Sometimes I feel like I’m there not enough. Sometimes I feel like I’m using a firm hand. Sometimes I feel like I’m not firm enough. I mean, it truly is a challenge. It’s the hardest job I’ve ever had. Give me a business spreadsheet, give me a boardroom and I can nail it. You know, give me a crying kid on a day after, you know, a stressful zoom call and I’ll fall apart and cry in the closet, you know, with a bucket of fudge.
So, um, I know my mama understand, I know you can relate. Um, and one of the greatest things I’ve had from this community, you know, not just you as the listener, but also on Instagram and Facebook, is that so many of you that are moms have affirmed me by saying. None of us know what we’re doing, girl, none of us, you know, and right down to when we first got my youngest Puffin, as you guys know her or Ally, you know, as we know her, um, when she was three and I needed to pick a car seat, I mean, you guys were there in the Target saying, Hey, you know, you try to get this one. And this is the difference between a harness style and make sure that, you know, the buckle is right over her sternum and it was just incredible to have the support of you guys here.
But with that support. There I’ve also had to make some changes recently. So I’ve shared so much of their journey out loud on social media, because frankly I enjoyed the help. You know, they say it takes a village and y’all have been my village. And, uh, there’s a reason we call you the internet Aunties. Not only have you, you know, piped in with, you know, valuable help, but you’ve also, uh, prayed for us and celebrated us and covered us and encouraged us. And it’s just been such a great blessing to not have to travel this adoption world alone. And I’m grateful for it, but of course, you know, we’ve always shared things again, like I always say when they are scars and not scabs. So, you know, when we were going through our mid tiny, um, Chrissy, you know, when she was diagnosed with stage four cancer at age 16, uh, we didn’t share that journey and she’s fine now, praise God, but we didn’t share that you know, publicly, we didn’t walk through that journey with y’all. We shared that after, you know, that journey was shared and that was actually at her request, um, because she wanted to have the space to go through it without necessarily having a facilitate questions or to, um, you know, worry about, uh, worrying you guys, you know, and to be able to make decisions without excess input and, um, you know, not only did we support her, but we threw that on the table.
We said, look, you know, how do you want to handle this? You know, because people will see you maybe walking by and things like that. And we just want to make sure that we answer in a way that makes you feel comfortable and supported. And, um, and that’s what this chat is about, that’s what I wanted to talk about in this episode, you know, babies and boundaries, uh, in an increasingly visible world where, uh, everything is lived out loud, what do you do when you find yourself, you know, building a social media world, but then also wanting to retract in some ways to create new boundaries, to protect you or your loved ones. And I found myself faced with that question over the past year and some. And that question came in because my littlest one is entering her young lady season.
You know, where she is not only more self-aware of how she is perceived, but she is developing her sense of self around how she wants to be perceived. And it became quickly evident to me that I needed to make shifts in, uh, the exposure of my children on social media, in order to make sure that they were protected in their various phases of life, um, and allowed to make their mistakes, allowed to experiment, allowed to grow where they are without the scrutiny and, um, feedback even love and support, you know, that, um, maybe coming from a place, uh, and love and support, meaning love and support and validation, uh, that may be coming from a world like social media.
And some of you may not know this, but you know, between the ages of 11 and 16, uh, most of my children weren’t on social media. So my middle one was virtually non-existent. People were like, where is she? And it was because during that season, she was like, I don’t want to be on camera. I don’t want photos. I don’t want video. You know, occasionally I’ll pop up here and there, but I don’t. And a lot of that had to do with that. You know, I think a lot of us women can relate that awkward season where you’re kind of figuring out your body and you don’t like any photos and you’re like, mom, leave me alone. You know? And I honored it and.
The same, thing’s kind of happening with my little one. She’s not awkward at all. She’s actually very extroverted and loves the camera, but I’ve already decided to kind of pump the brakes on that to give her time to kind of figure out how she feels about herself before she has to figure that out through the lens of someone else and the feedback I’ve received on social media, from the internet aunties and from people like you has been overwhelmingly generous, grace-filled and very much like an auntie.
You guys are thrilled to see our babies being covered, you know, and protected, even though we all miss, you know, I miss sharing the day-by-day wins with you guys and you guys miss seeing their smiles in their faces. But I think we all agree that nothing matters more than their mental, well-being, their sense of self in their future. And, um, you know, at 22 Lord knows when, um, my eldest is 22 and my middle one’s 20, Lord knows that we would not. I, all of us, I think collectively can agree, we do not want a camera following us in our twenties. Am I right? Am I preaching on that one? Thank God that we did not have social media for my twenties, because people would be asking me to get baptized every six months. If you saw some of the stuff I was doing, I was not always saved. Okay. So I think that you guys can all understand how, you know, my girls twenties definitely don’t need to be filmed.
And of course the preteen teen, early teenage adolescence is naturally awkward and you better believe that I’m not sharing it, but today, I have a treat for y’all. So, um, in talking about babies and boundaries and sharing with you guys now, why I’ve made some of these shifts. I also talked about it with Ally, my littlest one she’s 10 now. And I asked her, I said, Hey, you know, we’ve had lots of conversations around boundaries. We’ve had lots of conversation around responsibilities. We’ve had lots of conversation around mommy, daughter relationships to kind of figure out what makes you comfortable. And if you like the way that I’m showing up for you and
if you’re okay with it, I’d love to have some of these conversations out loud, where they may be helpful to, you know, some of the internet aunties and our internet nieces and nephews and her internet cousins, you know, so that maybe they can have some of those conversations too.
So I don’t do interviews often, but on today’s episode, I’m here with Ally. Ally is going and chatting with us about everything, about how she’s grown up about her thoughts around boundaries, she’s explaining what they are and, and some ideas around how to respect them. She’s talking about it from a kid perspective and what I hope you hear, you know, as we talk through this conversation is how grown up she is.
She’s such a mature girl and I’m floored. You know what I mean? Like this is my first baby. I’ve like raised through this age range and it’s just amazing to see how she’s really developing into a young woman, but I’m also really proud because when she talks about these things, it makes me feel good because my one job as a parent, or, you know, one of the many, but one of the most important is to make sure that she’s safe in this world. And there’s nothing safer than empower your children to know that their voice matters, that they can create boundaries that make them feel safe wherever they are, and that they are also entitled to remove or to affirm those boundaries whenever they’re crossed or disrespected. So, um, it’s my hope that in our chat today, that you’re able to get some lessons and kind of hear the dynamic and maybe have some conversations of your own, uh, with your children or with your friends, even around boundaries and recognize that, you know, I know that for me, I understood that if a 10 year old can get it, you better believe that I can do it.
So, um, I’m excited to bring Ally on so we can chat. And of course, um, internet aunties, this is a real treat. So Ally let’s chat.
Nicole: Hey, cutie pie. How are you doing?
Ally: I’m doing good.
Nicole: Awesome. So you know that I’ve had this podcast for a while now, right?
Ally: Yep.
Nicole: Yep. And also, I don’t know if you know this, but I typically don’t do interviews.
Like I don’t bring anyone fancy pants on. I don’t do any interviews because basically how could I do an interview with anyone when you are the coolest person I know.
Ally: Good point.
Nicole: boy. Right. I don’t want to put that pressure on other people to try to be as cool as you when you’re the coolest of the cool right. That’s right. I am excited because I couldn’t think of a better opportunity for us to chat. Then this episode, now you didn’t get to hear the beginning part QT, but this episode is actually all about boundaries, personal respect, and doing our best, being a mom and trying to make sure that we are doing our very, very best every single day. And I was like, oh my gosh, I can tell all these stories or I could bring on someone who could help me. And that’s why you’re here.
Ally: Yep.
Nicole: Yeah, So thank you for being here. I appreciate it.
Ally: you’re welcome.
Nicole: Perfect. I know you have a busy schedule, so,
Ally: I don’t have that busy of a schedule. I just have homework.
Nicole: That’s true. But you made room for me, so thank you so much. And I will make sure to talk to your assistants and let them know how much I appreciated this space. Perfect. So, uh, I was talking earlier about how, uh, one thing that people may have noticed on social media, you know, my Instagram and my Facebook pages and all that is that I don’t really post a ton of you and your sisters anymore. That I’m not really posting a lot of pictures and videos and things like that because you guys are growing up, you’re growing up and you’re getting out there. And, uh, every time I do post something, people write. Puffin is tall. What is going on? So I wanted to know how do you feel about that? Does it feel good to know that you have that privacy or does it feel weird? What are your thoughts?
Ally: Um, I feel kind of normal, cause I’m usually just in the house or at school.
Nicole: Either way. Sure. So a lot of the internet aunties and some of my internet friends that are listening, they’re always wondering, you know, what should I share about my kids and what shouldn’t I share about my kids, because I want to make sure that my kids feel good about themselves, but I also want to make sure that I don’t embarrass them and you know, the word embarrassed right. Where you feel kind of awkward and stuff. So what advice do you have for moms that are trying to figure out, like what’s a good thing to share that makes their kid feel good and what maybe shouldn’t be shared.
Ally: Um, you should probably ask your kid first before you post anything.
Nicole: really good. That’s
Ally: Yeah. So like, whenever you, like, some adults are saying, um, ask before you post
Nicole: That’s good. That’s really good. And then, um, why do you think that matters? Like, do you think? Cause I mean, a lot of people say, well, I’m the adult and I can do what I want, but is that how we do things in our family?
Ally: No.
Nicole: If you’re an adult, do you still need to respect the kids?
Ally: Yeah, because kids have the same rights as
Nicole: That’s right. In terms of like their feelings and their body and all that stuff.
Right.
Ally: Yeah. Cause we’re basically all the same person, except one’s way older than the other. Nicole: What do you mean way older? Hold on a second.
Ally: Okay. Not a little bit, probably 20 years older
Nicole: Okay. That sounds about right. Your math is mathing. I received that. I received that cutie pie. How old is, how old is mom again?
Ally: Um, what was the second digit again?
Nicole: just had a birthday.
Ally: Yeah, I know. I can’t tell between 26 and 27.
Nicole: Oh, I know. It’s just, it’s just so we’re able to stick within that range. Okay. In that range. Okay. Perfect. Your, you know, your’re my favorite. Okay.
Perfect. So that said, uh, what you’re talking about then is you’re talking about this thing called boundaries, and we’ve talked about that, right? Where you’re, you know, no matter who you are, you’re allowed to say, this is what makes me comfortable, and this is what doesn’t make me comfortable.
Right. So, um, tell me a little bit about what boundaries mean to you when I explained it to you and also what you understand it to be
Ally: um, I think boundaries are like, kind of like whenever you’re in a room and they’re like wall. So like, I think usually it’s like a wall that like two separate walls, like how you have a wall on each side, there’s like a good wall and you can share about it wall. And then there’s like, uh, please don’t share this, this it’s going to embarrass me wall.
Nicole: Oh, I couldn’t have explained it. Honestly, this is a better explanation of boundaries. And I think I gave, and this is why you’re the expert. This is why you’re here. So, uh, yes, it’s that we can make our own walls that say, this makes us comfortable and this doesn’t make us comfortable. And so for any of the kids that are listening right now and are hearing about boundaries and you just explained it so well, what are some examples of like good, healthy boundaries? That, you know, even if you’re a kid you’re able to say to your friends or even to your mom and dad, if it’s something that you think makes you uncomfortable.
Ally: Um, you could probably make a list on like specific things that make you uncomfortable. Like if your worst fear is, um, small spaces like mine, then you can just say, please don’t share that I have the fear of small spaces because my other friends don’t think it’s really cool to have that fear.
Nicole: That’s so good. Oh my gosh. That’s so, so, so good. Um, and then, um, what about boundaries around your body? You know, we talk about that all the time, like your body is a private thing. Um, is it, is it a good idea you think for, if any kids are listening, write down to share with either their moms or, um, you know, their friends, certain things about their body, like how they want to be touched or not touched.
Ally: Uh, no, I don’t think it’s like a good thing to share things about your body because your body is your own wall.
Nicole: Right. That’s right. It’s a private boundary. Right. So if you’re somebody who doesn’t like hugs, would it be safe to make that boundary and say, I don’t like hugs.
Ally: Uh, yeah, you should probably say, um, either please don’t hug me politely or, um, Well, that’s pretty much it because you don’t want to be hugged.
Nicole: That’s right. That’s right. And then what do you think the job is of the adult whenever there is a tough time with understanding the boundary, because sometimes people don’t like your boundaries. They’re like, what do you mean? I can’t give you hugs? Word is that Ally gives the best hugs on the planet. So what do you mean?
I can’t give you hugs. So what happens then? If somebody doesn’t want to listen to one of your boundaries?
Ally: Well, you should probably send back about what one of their own words was like, um, how, cause Chrissy says like stranger danger
Nicole: Stranger danger. Right?
Ally: Yeah. Then you might not want to like hug random stranger that you don’t know
Nicole: That’s true. And you can always get help with your boundaries. Right?
Ally: Yeah.
Nicole: So if you’re having a hard time, making sure someone understands and respects them, who do you think you can ask? Maybe every kid could make a list of people that could help them.
Ally: Um, you could probably ask an adult or a kid or teenager that your parents trust.
Nicole: perfect. I’m telling you. Y’all if you are listening right now, I want you to understand that Puffin here is 10 years old and she has a firm understanding of boundaries, how they affect your life, how they help you grow and develop into an amazing person. And you can also understand that this is, um, super impactful stuff that helps shape who you are and how you show up.
And I mean, if she can do it, we can do it too. I know I’m feeling inspired. So let’s shift the conversation a little bit.
Now, cutie pie, by, I want to say I’m calling you Ally, my official interview guests. So Ally, um, or I dunno if it would feel like Ms. Walters, you know, I should be very fancy about it, but, um, I do want to know, let’s talk a little bit about responsibilities. So, you know, you have been a very responsible kid for a long time. I mean, you’ve always kind of done a good job taking care of things and taking care of your responsibility. What are some responsibilities that you.
Ally: Um, I have to do my own laundry, which makes sense because it’s not anyone else’s clothes,
Nicole: Okay.
Ally: but you could do someone else’s clothes if you wanted to.
Nicole: I guess yeah to be helpful. I mean, sometimes you help your sister by like switching overloads and things like that for her, right?
Ally: Yeah. Like if she’s not here and if she has an, if she’s at school and I have like spring break or something,
Nicole: No, totally. And so how long have you been doing your laundry for everyone who.
Ally: I think since I was four, I don’t really remember.
Nicole: It was really, since you were about to six, when you were four, you couldn’t reach the buttons kiddo, but yeah, since you were about six, even taking care of your laundry and you do all the steps right by yourself.
Ally: Yeah.
Nicole: So you fold and wash and put away and all that stuff and you do an excellent job. Can I just say your clothing is looking very tidy today and you look sharp.
Ally: Thank you.
Nicole: You’re a lovely, beautiful girl. So what other responsibilities do you.
have to like help out the household and to grow yourself as a person?
Ally: Um, I feed the dogs. I wash the dishes and I sometimes wipe down the counters if they’re super duper dirty.
Nicole: right. And you take care of your room.
Ally: Yep.
Nicole: and your homework?
Ally: Yes.
Nicole: absolutely. And then you help in pitch out wherever you can, because I think you’re just a helpful girl in general. Yeah. I love that. So sometimes you not want to do your responsibilities, like do you, because I know as an adult, I have my days. I don’t want to get out of bed. I just want to eat candy. I want eat fudge. I wouldn’t eat popcorn. I don’t want to move. I’m going to watch shows about seeing eye guide dogs get being fuzzy. Like that’s all I want to do. Right. So do you ever have days where you do not want to do your responsibilities?
Ally: Uh, yeah, but I, then I think like forward that, like I might have like a day off of doing responsibilities.
Nicole: So you started thinking ahead saying if I take care of it today, that’s fine because I might have a day later where and not have to worry about it.
Ally: Yeah.
Nicole: Oh, so responsible. My goodness. You are such a motivation. I w we just, we all need to work hard to be just like you. You’re absolutely amazing. So one more thing I wanted to talk about before I let you go back to your razzle-dazzle fancy pants life, um, is I wanted to talk about mommy daughter time, you know, and, uh one-to-ones. So everyone always asks me about these because they’re always like, how did, when, when Ally’s having a tough day or when any of your girls are having a tough day, you know, how do you guys handle it? And I explained that we do one to ones. So do you want to explain kind of what one-to-one.
Ally: Uh, yeah, so I think one to ones or like, whenever, two people talk to each other about like their bad days. Yeah. So like, if one person is having a bad day, then they can like tell about their day and how they moved on.
Nicole: Yep. That’s so good. That’s so good. And whenever you’re having a tough day, you know that you can grab any adult for one to one.
Ally: Yep.
Nicole: And so, uh, it’s something that I always try to tell anyone who’s listening that we’ve done those for my gosh. How long have we had one-on-ones I feel like.
Ally: Forever.
Nicole: Yeah, I know. I’m like, since you were probably like two or three, um, I remember one time you had a friend over to the house and she got upset, you know, and you ran down the stairs. You were probably only like four or five and you were like, mom, mom, she needs a one to one. She doesn’t know what that is, but she needs one and we went upstairs and we did a one-to-one to, um, help her calm down and figure out her feelings and stuff. So do you think one-to-one are helpful in creating spaces where you know, little kids can feel good talking to their adults?
Ally: Uh, yes.
Nicole: They’re good. And then, um, let’s talk a little about mommy daughter days. Now. Oh, yay. Yeah. So let’s describe what a mommy daughter day is so that, you know, people don’t have them and this is the kids are gonna love this.
So kids, if you’re listening, now’s the time to look at your mom and be like, yeah, we need those. So, uh, let’s talk about mommy daughter days. What, what are they?
Ally: So when you go on a trip to somewhere that is not home, or you could stay home and just watch a movie or something.
Nicole: Probably could.
Ally: Yeah. But you could also just go somewhere else and chill
Nicole: And chill out.
and do like an activity or something like that, but it may not even be an activity sometimes it’s just really spending time together. Right. And so do you like mommy daughter days? I love them. They’re my favorite. So what are some of your favorite mommy daughter day things like, I know sometimes you do big activities, but we also do little stuff. So what’s an example of a big activity, mommy daughter day that you loved.
Ally: Um, I can’t think of like super duper big things.
Nicole: Yeah. They’re usually not. They’re like days, they’re not like big, big, big things.
But what I think that one of my favorites was when we went to Nickelodeon slime,
Ally: Oh yeah. I still have my, I got slimed shirt.
Nicole: You did, you got slimed really good. So that was fine. But sometimes we do tiny stuff too. Like, um, just go to the market or do activities, you know, like, um, things like that. Yeah. Or I’ll get our nails done or just get ice cream or sometimes you just spend the day with me, like going to do errands or to the mall. Oh, my gosh. Our mall trips are always, you can’t see her face right now. Y’all but she’s making the face of someone who enjoys our mall trips very much.
And why just go ahead and share with everyone. Ally, why our mall trips, some of your favorite mommy daughter days, young lady.
Ally: Well, they were my favorite because whenever we go to the mall, mom says, okay, so we’re going to get this and this and this for me. And then we end up walking out and I’m holding most of the bags because they’re all for me. And then mom holds some of the bags because some of those are also for me.
Nicole: Yes, that’s right. We walk in with a plan to get me things and we walk out with you with a whole bunch of stuff and I get nothing. So, Yeah.
So it sounds like mommy daughter days work out pretty well. That’s awesome. Awesome. So I got to say, it’s been such a treat having you here to chat with me and all of the internet Aunties and everyone’s so excited to hear your voice. And for those who are watching, um, you know, the video are able to see you as well, because they don’t get to see as much of you as on social media anymore, because you’re just growing and maturing and becoming such a big girl. And I’m trying to give you your privacy while you do that. But, um, it’s such a treat cause they get to see you and everyone cares about you so much cause you’re such a super kid. They’ve seen you since you were. We, we, a little, little baby with no teeth, right. To this big tall girl with this huge smile, you know? And, and they’re just so excited to see you grow up so thank you so much for sharing everything. You are absolutely my favorite guests to have here.
Ally: I also got my Christmas wish
Nicole: Well, what was your Christmas?
Ally: For my two front teeth. Yeah.
Nicole: Delivered right on time. Right. Perfect. Kiddo, I’m so glad you’re here. I love you so much. And you were just absolutely amazing. Thank you for sharing your wisdom because you are one smart cookie and thank you so much for being here. And, uh, we’ll have you back probably in a couple years, right? When you’re even taller and I can’t stand it.
Ally: Yeah,
Nicole: Alright say bye to your Internet Aunties.
Ally: bye.
In this episode, I share:
- How to re-think “balance” when it comes to the responsibilities we have as moms, partners, entrepreneurs, employees, sisters, etc.
- What to do if an adult relationship goes sour and trust is gone
- A special interview with the Puffin, aka Ally, on babies & boundaries!
Resources and links mentioned in this episode:
- Connect with me on Facebook and Instagram!
- To send me a voice message that could be used on the show, click here!
- Don’t miss Episode 1 of Season 3, HERE!
- For more on healthy relationships, go follow Dr. Nedra Tawwab on Instagram
- If you love our chats like I do, I’d so appreciate a review for the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!
More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:
If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.
As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.
When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.
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