Nicole:

Hey, friends. So as you know, we’ve been covering a lot of ground this season and we’ve been talking about the various things that have happened during the journey and learning in the journey. And if you’re keeping up with me on Instagram, at Nicole Walters, you know that I share there my daily highs and lows.

And this past week, I shared that I had probably one of my toughest days that I’ve had during the divorce and moving and transition process. And I gotta tell you, it was rough. And I wanted to reach out because, you know, we talked about how in the new year, time is a social construct, right? So just because we have changed the clocks and changed the calendars, doesn’t suddenly mean that everything feels fresh and feels new. And I’m renewed, and I have all this energy, you know, everything that existed in 2022, could very well have carried with us into 2023.

And it’s why it’s so essential that we actually employ and use and engage in our best tools and habits in order to be successful. But that said, I just wanted to let you know that it is okay, if you’ve been having a tough go of it. And when I tell you I have so much joy and I’m grateful for where I am in this season. And I’ve mentioned before that grief and joy can coexist and the way that I talk about my divorce now and where I am, thanks to, you know, therapy and being loved well and amazing children and great friends, is that it’s not a it’s not something that feels like it happened to me so much of something that happened for me. And it is definitely a situation of grief and grief, meaning that I’m mourning something that at least the vision of what I thought it was, and I’m mourning letting go of what I thought life was, you know, and what it will never be, you know, it’s just gone.

And that’s a lot of what I’ve been talking about is that grief process. And that means that I wake up some days, and I’m sad, you know, I’m just sad. And I wouldn’t make it akin to a deep depression, I think, you know, I experienced some of those types of emotions early on, when sort of that shock kind of hit me around what was happening, but it’s just a sadness of where I am because, you know, divorce it just gonna keep it all the way real like I always do with y’all like it decimates so much in your life. I mean, you can be worth $100 billion and lose 50% of your net worth, you know, speaking on the Jeff Bezos side, you know, the cost of support two households when you are the sole breadwinner, and the sole working earner, you know, is just astronomical. And I think yesterday, one of the things that really hit me, you know, that I was kind of sharing on Instagram in my stories was that I work harder than I did. And I’m trying not to get emotional about it, because it’s kind of bringing up some of those triggers, you know, but I feel like I work so much harder than I been in the past couple years, and one of my goals in sort of building my business and, you know, spending well and saving well, and investing well, and buying the right properties and doing all these things independently and, you know, coming up with great business ideas and helping other people and serving, all of that was the intent to continue to live incredibly debt free, you know, and build up a huge savings and basically get to the place where, in my head at least, and we talked about this in last week’s episode about having more babies where I was like, Okay, I’ve checked all the boxes, and now I can have babies, you know, now I can build my family because, you know, the house is completely paid off. And, you know, if I can’t work, that’s okay, you know, because it’ll be covered.

And I really learned that, you know, there really is something to be said for if you’re in the right partnership, if you feel like you have to create and save and make so much money because you can’t rely on anyone else, you know, to support you in that process. And it says a lot about you know, sort of your personal sense of self worth if you feel like that’s acceptable. And you know, we and right now you know I’m in a partnership where my partner doesn’t make anywhere near you know, what I make, makes great money, but you know, just considering what I do and my income, he just doesn’t make the same. But oh, man, do I feel beyond supported and I know that should anything ever happen to me or you know, my child or I’m ever in a position where I’m not able to work, he will pick up that mantle and care for us in the best way. He knows how without question. I mean, it’s just such an ease that comes with the fact that even though, you know, have to work really hard.

I know that if anything happened, I’d be fine. And, and so with all three of our girls, he fully and completely and currently cares for all three of my girls, you know, and, you know, supports them and buys them gifts and, you know, is, you know, present in their lives. And it’s just such a blessing, you know, to recognize that I’m currently living a life that has every single thing I have ever wanted in it more than I even knew I wanted and more than I even knew I needed. I mean, every single mark is hit, I am living a life that is beyond my wildest dreams. And in a way that is almost humbling, because it doesn’t encompass half the things I had before.

It’s not about titles, fame, you know, all those things, which I’m blessed, you know, like, I still am always me, and I always have the means to work and to make money and to, you know, have those things because I’ve worked really hard, I’ve earned them. But it’s just crazy, because it’s just, it looks so different. And even though I’m in one of the absolute happiest seasons of my life, the grief that will just hit me in my gut. It’s wild, and anyone who’s ever lost like a parent, even if you had a complicated relationship with them, or if you’ve lost, you know, a job that you thought you would have, or you’ve had to make really tough calls in difficult seasons that have resulted in loss, even though you’re grateful, you know what I’m talking about when you wake up, and you’re just like, Dang, this is sad. And that’s where I am now, you know, being in a place where I’ve worked so hard, but now I am still making choices that I should not have to make, considering how many sheer hours of effort I have put into building the life that I have and the life that others enjoy. It just makes me sad. And so I share this, let you know that you know a lot of people who are in complicated relationships or trying to determine if they need to stay in them. I know a lot of you have been in my DMs and asking and listening along in this season, because you’re wondering, you know, if you’re gonna make it. I remember when I was first seeing this season sort of coming in my life, I was following a couple of, you know, my actually good friends, you know, but popular influencers on social and watching them go through this as well and kind of wondering what’s going to happen to me.

So I say this, you know, just kind of, for those of you who are listening, I see you, you know, if you’re in that boat, and I do want you to know, I’m trying to be as honest about it as possible, so that you know, what it’s like and what to expect and more than anything to give you as much hope as possible to let you know that it is hard. But the hard is temporary and it is difficult and it is challenging, but there can be joy within the challenge. And the longer that you are showing up every day to doing what you need to do. It’s almost empowering. I’m as hard as it is to work all the time and as tired as I am, I’m grateful that I’m a worker, you know, I’m grateful that I am a person who gets up with intention and purpose and is not cloudy or confused about who I am and how I want to show up and how I serve and that is loved well and is surrounded. I am so intensely surrounded by love through my friends and my family and myself, you know, I look in the mirror and I see someone I love and that is really, really beautiful, like sources of negativity are not in my life. I am surrounded by good people.

And I hope that you can say that for yourself now or if you decide to take this process, you know that you get there. But all those hard days, and here’s the thing that I think, you know, I’m learning to do more, you may have to ask for help. And I think that all of us, especially when we are moms, wives, sisters, you know, daughters, just juggling lots of things, have an inclination to kind of say, I’m just busy and I gotta get to the next thing, or who is going to help me or this is one of my favorites that I’m used to and I hear all the time from my clients. I don’t have the time to explain to someone how to help me and to make sure they don’t mess it up or clean up their mistakes, which is better if I do it myself. Right? And I know some of y’all are nodding your head or saying Nicole get about my face, you know, like get out of my head, you know it and I want you to know that raising my hand, I was in the same boat.

And I can also tell you that this is actually one of the biggest contributing factors that I know I brought to the demise of my marriage. And it’s not that I didn’t ask for help, I asked for help in many different ways. I asked for help constantly, you know, I regularly expressed the difficulties of carrying the financial burden and the difficulties of a building, you know, a business and the stress of it all in the desires of my heart, I am a very, if you have noticed a vocal person who’s very shares openly, the thing that I did wrong was I asked the wrong person, because that question was asked and answered many, many times, you know, and through verbal and through action, and I think that that’s something that I want to encourage you to know is that a lot of us have a hesitancy to ask for help. But we don’t realize that it’s also important to ask the right people and to have the right people in your life that you’re asking.

And when you do that, and your help is received, and your help is affirmed, and you see ease come into your life and grace and peace, it’s then that you understand more how beneficial help is and how much more you can do with the support of others. And that’s where I am now and it’s where I wasn’t before. So letting you know where I was before. I mean, I would work 80 hour work weeks, and, and then I’d come home and I’d work again and cooking all meals, you know, making sure the fridge is full, getting the groceries, you know, I had staff, but they were limited in what they did as well. And, you know, I just felt like I had to do everything, or check all the work and constantly fix mistakes and it was just a lot of stress. And I remember just thinking, gosh, I just need peace, like I just do too many jobs, and I do too much. And I would ask for help but you know, I never thought to ask for help from my friends.

So one thing that I, you know, we’ll probably talk about in a different chat, because I think it’s a dedicated conversation. But, you know, loneliness was something that I really struggled with for many, many years feeling like I was the only person who understood what I was going through, the only person who could get me out of it, if I even knew what to do. Not feeling like I had support in the struggle. And I isolated myself, meaning my life was pretty much just my kids, my ex and my staff really, you know, and, and my business, if it wasn’t related to generating income to support the household or entertaining or supporting my family, I pretty much didn’t do it.

I didn’t really hang out with girlfriends outside of my little girl squad. And even that was kind of a point of contention in my relationship. And, you know, that sort of thing was really, really challenging because I felt lonely a lot. There were a lot of nights I was up, laid on the couch by myself just kind of wondering if this was the life I would have for myself. And, you know, I realized that part of where I was going wrong and asking for help during those tough seasons was that I didn’t have my girlfriends, and I didn’t think to use them. And what’s interesting is there’s a lot of and I’ve talked about surrender in previous episodes this season, but the humility that came with divorce was that if I didn’t ask for help, I would not be here.

And it’s hard to say but when I tell you, I was on the brink so many times, and I had to ask for help for everything. Whether it was something as simple as hey, just check on the kids or look out for the kids or I’m working a double, you know, shift because I gotta pay these bills. And I’m the only one and can you pop in at, you know, my kiddos school? You know, she’s doing a play. And I don’t know if I’m going to make it on time. So can you pop into be sure and you know, just, you know, from friends and just asking for help and what’s humbling about it all was during the process when I needed to ask for help the most, whether it’s with helping me figure out things with the business or it’s simple things like I’m getting divorced, I don’t know what to do, or I need to find a place, I’m in a new city. I’m living here because this is all I know. But I don’t know where else to go.

And, you know, just asking constantly, because I’m reminded how much I don’t know and how much we rely on other people to actually grow and get somewhere. It was all preparing me for this relationship I’m in that I think will build, I hope will build the foundation for my future and my future kids and my future life. And, you know, in this relationship that I cherish so much with this person that’s so incredible to me and my children, boy have I had to humble myself with help. I’ve had to realize that one, I don’t get to dictate necessarily how that help comes. Right?

So I have every right to set expectations, especially reasonable ones that are, you know, world or society standard. You know, it’s not unreasonable to expect your partner to earn income. And you know, there’s this concept around retiring your husband that I’ve even championed myself that, you know, you want to make sure you’re really clear on that definition. For me, it was, you know, retiring them to give them the opportunity to live in their purpose as well. You know, but some people think that it’s retiring your husband to do nothing. And if you aren’t clear on that, that’s, you know, could be a point of contention. And you know, what’s great is I have this great partner who, when I asked for help understands what I mean by that, and I’m really blessed, because I don’t often have to elaborate, I can pretty much just say, I need help. And he looks for ways to stand in the gap.

I’m feeling it today, you know, but emotionally, you know, he looks for ways to stand in the gap before I even ask, which is the double blessing, right, but looks for ways to stand in the gap. And he’s just thoughtful that way. When I ask, and then the thing I have to do is, you know, if I’m asking for help, I don’t necessarily get to say, Well, can you put the broccoli away this way, you know, he went to the market, he got the food, he bought it, and he filled the fridge, and he paid for them, okay? So I am not going to complain, I’m just grateful it got done. And it’s one less thing on my plate.

And one of the things that I’m hoping you’ll hear from me is part of not dictating how they do, it also frees you up, to truly enjoy the restoration piece and self care that you may need by handing that thing off, hear me again, part of asking for help, and letting go of how that help is received and performed, is the purpose and allowing yourself to have that self care, that peace, that restoration that you so need and deserve.

And that’s not easy. It’s not easy to do. And, you know, in being able to readily admit that that is not something that I have ever been good at before is that relinquishing of control. It’s so amazing, because I’ve gotten really good at it now. And I went, and I realized that part of it is trust, right, which is not just one person, you know, a lot of people will say in their partnership, like, oh, my gosh, but you know, you control this or you this sort of way. But the truth is, you know, that’s twofold, if you trust someone you can let go and that’s one thing I’ve learned. And I’m hoping that if you’re hearing what I’m saying that, you know, you’re asking yourself, are there factors why I don’t trust enough to let go? Are there factors why I don’t trust enough to ask for help? Are there factors why I won’t, you know, allow myself to receive help, you know, because no matter what you need it.

No matter what you need it, there’s no life that you’re building for yourself, in a partnership that can be carried for two by one, it just doesn’t exist, you have to have that support. Because at some point in time, you know, it’s going to be too much to carry, and you deserve to not bend or break under that way. And as somebody who has absolutely been bent and you know, had some solid fractures and cracks, but did not break, and is still you know, a little bent over on some days, but now is blessed to have someone who’s helping them carry. I can tell you that if you’ve watched my stories on social and some of what I’m sharing on the daily, I’m just very grateful that I’ve asked for help recently, I said, you know, I woke up on that hard day saying I just need help. And he just stayed by my side.

We were going to IKEA, you know, the land of Swedish meatballs, Swedish Fish, and Swedish furniture, you know, and I was like I don’t, I just need help carrying this stuff to put it on a flat pack cart, you know, I just need help with driving there. I just, I can go, I can pick, I can point. But I just do not have the energy to kind of, like, facilitate this. And he’s like, look, I can do that, you know, I can do that. I can be here, it’s for us. I can do it. And, and we did, you know, and then I had, for this very podcast, you know, I had some things I needed to record and episodes. And I was like, I am not going to make it into the studio. I don’t have the energy to, if you know anything about LA driving the freeway as an event itself. I don’t have the energy to battle the freeway look for parking, I just can’t go into the studio today. And he’s like, hey, you know, he’s a musician and a producer and he has his own studio. And so he’s like, just come to the studio, I can record it, we’ll send it in, you know, I’ll take care of it. Just, you know, it’s easier. It’s around the corner, just, you know, come and let me do it for you.

And I was grateful because he was offering suggestions on how to help me which I know some of y’all right now we’re like, see, that’s the difference. You know, it’s true, but also I was letting him and I was receiving those suggestions because make no mistake in my head I was like, I don’t know, I don’t know, you know, but I just said yes, I received it and it was exactly what I needed. And by the end of the night, you know, because as a personal value system and I’m not projecting this on anyone else because sometimes that’s Mama’s just can’t and that is okay. But I try my best to bring my best face to my, my kiddos, you know, especially my little one, the Puffin, who’s 11. No matter what type of day I’m having, by the time pickup rolls around, I really try to make sure I’m not projecting on her, or giving her any energy because she just doesn’t deserve it. And also, she’s a light, she’s deeply easy to love. You know, like, aside from the fact that I love her in general, she is also very easy to love. She’s such an incredible child.

As a matter of fact, anyone who doesn’t love her or see the best in her, I’m always like that aside, it’s kind of like when people say, you can see if a dog doesn’t like someone dogs be knowing, that type of vibe. You know, Puffin is like that, if you don’t love Puffin on first meet, if you don’t love Puffin, you know, after spending time with her or knowing her, something’s wrong with you, because she is a delight. And for that reason, whatever I pick her up, at the end of the day, I just want to be all up in her and I just want to listen to her and just give her all my energy and be you know, interested because she’s, you know, definitely one of the joy points. And you know, parenting her even with the hard stuff is just such a delight.

And the day had come because I had help from my partner, I was able to kind of clean up and I mean, I still got a lot done that day, you know, that was a day where I would have been laid up in bed under the covers, y’all know what I’m talking about, like, you know, even if you’re kind of pulling through and going to work, but it’s like bare minimum, you know, I still took multiple calls, had to client meeting, assess the vendor about my book launch. I went to an Ikea, y’all know, that is a whole endeavor. I walked the warehouse, y’all, you know, I did all these things still, recorded a podcast, because I was still accomplished and then picked up the baby and came home and made dinner, two dinners, because we were having fish that night. And she didn’t want fish and usually like you don’t eat well we having. But I was filling delightful, you know, made two dinners and laughed with her and had a dance party.

And, you know, it was just amazing because I was able to save a little bit of energy for my sweet one. Because I had a partner who was willing to help me with the lift and and I had a partner who was willing to help me with the lift because I’ve done the self love and work to let myself know that I deserve to ask for help and receive it. You all it is a cycle. You want to have the energy to sustain tomorrow, it’s not just about your partner showing up and doing it for you. It’s also about knowing that you’re deserving of that help. And if you’re not getting that help where you are, you need to go find it. Whether it is through your friends, through your family, through a different relationship. You’ve got to find out whether it’s in your career, your marriage, your friendship, you know, whatever it is, you are deserving of help. So friend, go get it.