Season 4, Episode 11: Too Vulnerable

Season 4, Episode 11

Nicole:

Hey friends. So, if you’ve been keeping along with me on social media, you know that I am deep in this book tour. So along the tour with all of these podcast interviews I’ve been doing I get a lot of questions about Nicole, your book is really vulnerable. You are sharing some, some moments there that and giving a glimpse into them that people never would expect, you know, moments, uh, by my daughter’s bedside while fighting stage four cancer, or, you know, moments where I am wrangling with, you know, what to do in my marriage or in my business or with my parents, you know, and I share these things, I think a lot of you have tuned in for a while, you know, over the past 12 years, it’s not really that unusual to you because you know that I’m big on sharing my journey, but the question that I often get after that, you know, is Nicole, you know, how do you know what to share and how did you get comfortable being this vulnerable?

Knowing that you never know how people are going to respond to it and when you’re writing a book, you know, I’ve mentioned this before in other chats that we’ve had. It’s like you’re writing in a bubble. It’s like you’re writing in a vacuum because you’re creating this thing over years that you have no idea what the reception is going to be when it comes out. It’s very different from speaking on stage and getting applause or posting on social and getting a comment. You know, you’re really just putting yourself out there.

And so I wanted to talk about that now and my intent on why I’m sharing sort of my perspective or recipe for vulnerability. And, and the reason why I’m such a champion for sharing stories is mostly because I recognize that a lot of people have things that they want to share themselves. They have stories and things they’ve been through. They, uh, feel called, you know, to apply their answers in areas of their expertise, you know, so whether that is with ministry or youth or, you know, other women or marginalized people, you know, there is a real desire, I think, for a lot of us who survive things to share.

And what’s unfortunate is that a lot of people don’t, especially in the age of social media. You know, there’s hesitancy because it can feel like dog eat dog out there, that you can’t breathe a certain way without getting feedback on it, that people will always make a hundred percent judgment on the 1% they know and that can be really scary and intimidating. And as somebody who has, you know, been sharing pretty openly on social media for over a decade now, um, you can go back, you know, to the beginning and see, you know, the evolution of everything. Uh, I just kind of want to share a little bit of, you know, what I know has worked now.

The first thing I want to tell you is obviously there’s no perfect anything. I think it’s always good to know and one thing that a lot of content creators and TV personalities and authors or anyone who decides to be a public figure in any way, shape or form knows is that people will have a problem with your life. You cannot please everyone if that is your goal if that is a need if you are seeking to be You know seen as the all perfect person that is adored by all it just isn’t the life for you. It’s never gonna happen and it is something you have to very quickly reconcile that you literally can say I love cheese and people will say, why do you hate the dairy industry?

You know, like you literally, there is no way to win it. So if that’s the goal, you know, just right out of the gate, none of the things I’m going to say are going to help, you know, because there’s no doing that. Now, the other part of that is also recognizing that, again, like I said before, with people making a hundred percent judgment on one percent of the information, everyone looks at your life from their lens.

They are absolutely always going to assess you based on their set of experiences, their belief systems, their backgrounds. And you know, it’s interesting because it doesn’t mean that things that you hear aren’t going to hurt, you know, because you’re still human, but it really does help speed up the process to grace and the process to internal recovery when you realize that these people don’t see you as human.

You know, like they really do. It’s amazing the power of the glass screen that when you’re on the other side of it, you become something that is distant and far away and there’s an ability for people to separate the humanness that you have from their own. And that coupled with whenever you’re someone who has had success or financial gain or, um, opportunity, there becomes also an additional sort of judgment or expectation or or something around it, you know I don’t even know how to describe it but people just are harder on you and and I don’t know where this part came from but people are hard on you and they also expect that they have like a right to do that, which leads me to my first point.

People feel like If you are sharing your story, they have a right to tear you apart, you know, or if you are a public figure or if you, you know, discuss aspects of your life that they have a right to speak to that and to offer feedback and judge and all of those things. And I think on some level that’s totally true, right? You know, on some level, if you’re inviting conversation, be prepared for wherever that conversation can go, you know, but I think that my first point in kind of sharing your story, that’s really been powerful to me and that I’ve learned over the years is no matter what you decide to share no one is entitled to any of you or all of you.

And there’s this weird thing that happens in the land of social media and authorship and TV where people really genuinely believe that because you share some, that they should know all.

And it’s an odd thing because if you look at anyone’s life, just because you share some things with your co-worker doesn’t mean they’re entitled to everything. There’s certainly some things you share with your mother, who you have a much closer connection with than a stranger on the internet, or an author, or someone on TV, and you still don’t tell your mother everything.

And it’s because no one is entitled to all of you. You know, it’s just there’s no, there’s no amount of blood tie relationship, monetary exchange, uh, presence or whatever that means that at any point in time you have to give all of yourself to anyone for any reason.

And it’s really important to retain your autonomy and your authority over your life and your power, you know, in exercising that and what you share also doesn’t subject, you know, to say that that is now in open fodder, you know, and I think that that’s another aspect of it is, um, you know, kind of my second point, right, is that I have really good friends who have never shared pictures of their babies, like they’ve never shared their baby’s face, you know, um, that is just part of their brand. It’s not something that they, you know, started off doing, but then when their child became around one or two, they decided they wanted to start sharing their, you know, pictures of their baby.

I also have other friends who have been married for 10 years, you know, and are very, very, very high profile public figures, and just shared wedding photos on their anniversary. And people are like, I didn’t even know they were married. I didn’t even know they had two kids, you know, I mean, they are intensely private.

And then I have, you know, some friends who have shared everything, you know, all aspects of it. And what’s interesting, I think the most interesting is that people seem to respond well to people who are either intensely private, because if you don’t know about it, you can’t talk about it. And they seem to respond, you know, fairly well to people who share everything, because if you share everything, then we have, you know, open game on everything.

But it’s this weird space where if you are, pretty vulnerable and pretty open, people absolutely don’t know what to do with that because there is an assumption across the space, right, that everyone is kind of guessing how much you’re sharing. You know, it’s a weird, weird place to be in, you know, where it’s like, oh, she seems really vulnerable. So we must know everything about her, you know, or he has shown up on TV in this many ways so we must know everything about his life, you know, and, um, and I want to let you know that, you know, that may be the external perspective, but for you, as someone who is called to leverage your story to change lives, I want you to know that you’re also entitled. This is the second part, right? If no one is entitled to all of you, you are also entitled to change your mind at any time.

So at any point in time you are allowed to say, you know what? I don’t want to share my kids anymore. Or you know what? I don’t want to talk about my shoe collection, you know, or you know what I want to start sharing more about, you know, this growth journey that I’m going through or I want to share more about this health condition that I’ve managed to navigate.

And what’s beautiful about that is that again, you’re retaining your own authority, autonomy, you know, personal agency. It’s not being subject to strangers, you know, but I also think that it serves as a really strong reminder to anyone who is observing how you’re navigating the world while sharing and dealing with the sensitivity of your lived experience. It allows them to see how you do it, you know, which empowers them to do it for themselves.

And then there’s always a little, you know, caveat that goes in there, which is, you know, and I think that we tell this to our kids, but we forget it for ourselves that there are going to be people in this world who have decided they don’t like you. Like they’ve just decided it, you know what I mean, they’ve decided that they don’t like you, you know, based on the grades that you get or the outfit you wear or, you know, we all, I think, sadly, most of us remember a bullying experience growing up and, you know, not that all commentary or criticism is, is bullying, you know, that’s not always the case.

Sometimes it’s just, you know, an opinion but when it does get nasty and when it is bullying, I think that a lot of us forget that there isn’t anything you can do to fix that because that’s just how some people are, you know, and I’m addressing all of these things, not because I’ve explicitly gone through them. I’m really grateful to say that. I have one of the most overwhelmingly kind and generous and show upping, you know, community in the world.

And, you know, I’m so thankful because I know you’re part of it and I am super blessed to have had the covering of just the most amazing people and I’m so thankful for that. But I also know, you know, that there’s gotta be some people who hate watch, right, you know, like there are like that’s the way it is with anyone, especially as your profile increases and I’m thankful because, you know, those people don’t say it to me, you know, and I’m thankful for that. But I know that it must exist, right?

Or that there are people who may listen, I actually, you know, I’ll tell you a funny story. I went to a dinner, you know, and I don’t want to give up too much information because I don’t want to identify this person. But this person came up to me and they came to this dinner and they actually said to me, you know, Nicole, I started watching you, you know, way back in the Periscope days, and I just loved your content. It was always so value rich, and it was always so helpful, but I have to say you’re really annoying. Like, you know, you’re, sometimes I’m very, like the person said, I’m very introverted, and like, you were just too much at times. Like, you’re a lot, you know, and it was interesting because I don’t know this person, we aren’t like friends.

We don’t like work together or anything. But you know, it was, I love to engage with people in my community. And when I will say a hundred percent, when this person said this, there was nothing malicious behind it. It was literally a simple statement of fact. If there was no ill intent behind it, you know, nothing like that. It was just a statement of fact that like, you know, uh, she ended up saying like, yeah, I had to take a break from you. Cause it was kind of a lot for a while, you know? And I was like, I get that. Like I get that, you know, cause one, I am a lot. Like, I’m a lot. It’s part of why I have a social media presence. It’s part of why I’ve been able to do TV. It’s part of why I have speaking, is because I’m not walking around in the world silent. You know, and I’m grateful that God gave me the gift of being able to stand strong and use my voice well, and I’m not ashamed of it.

But I also recognize that in different seasons for different people, it’s just not their cup of tea. I also recognize that I’ve grown and evolved in how I use my voice, my word, you know, like, you know, there, I look back on, you know, some of my most cringey moments, you know, and frankly, even in my personal relationships, you know, when a lot of people met me when I first started in social media, I think there’s a lot of forgetting of the fact that I was like 24, you know. 

And when we all look back to our mid 20s and our early 20s, my gosh, you know, the grace that we have to give ourselves because we think we know so much and how much more do we learn over the years, you know, just dealing with my daughter’s cancer alone and, you know, navigating divorce, you know, has completely changed who I am and how I show up in this world and how I interact with others and a lot of my ideals around things, you know, so, you know, it’s funny because when she said this to me, I was like, no, I get it.

Like, I literally was like, I am a lot. Like, you know, I, I’ve had to work on, You know, making sure to hold space for other people, you know, because I get so excited when I meet people and I’m so enthusiastic about sharing info and I’ve had to learn how to step back more, you know, and not be so fill the room with all your stuff, you know, like it’s, it’s interesting because I have self awareness, you know, and I’m in therapy for that self awareness to make sure I’m showing up as my best so when I heard that I was like, I get it, you know, and I, I did tell her, I’m just, I’m glad you circled back around and, you know, I’m so grateful to meet you now.

And she acknowledged and said, which was very generous of her that she has witnessed my growth over time and it was just very kind, you know, but I say this to let y’all know that like, yeah, you know, there is bullying, right? You know, where people are just like, I just don’t like your face. I just don’t like your shoes, you know, and you’re just kind of like based on what, you know, and then there’s the people who are like, look, you know, uh, you may not have been my cup of tea or we both were in different places or we had to evolve. And that’s a very real thing. But I say that to let you know that outside of the guaranteed things you will face, right?

People aren’t being entitled to all of you or any of you. It’s no matter what they say, you do not have to answer, you know, people can ask me what my bra size is and I don’t have to tell them, you know, it depends on who you are. And just because I tell them that information doesn’t mean they’re entitled to all of my other information.

And the same thing applies for you, friend, when you’re writing your story, when you’re stepping on stage, when you’re starting that podcast, when you’re building that profile and that presence, you are allowed to share what you’re ready to share, and you’re allowed to take back, you know, and change your mind at any time if there’s an element there that you are not comfortable with or circumstances have changed.

For the season of divorce, you know, that I was going through, I shared a lot less of my kids. I shared a lot less of my, you know, partner at the time. I shared a lot less of even my personal environment or what I was doing because I was not ready. And I’ll go into that in a second. And then, of course, remembering that no matter what you share, no matter what you do, You have to recognize that some people are just not going to like you.

You’re just not going to mesh with them. And that is really okay because by you continuing to exist and, and they’re doing their thing, you know, it allows them to exercise their personal agency around choosing to pursue people that do serve them. There is something to be said for, for people who continue to engage with something that gives them a negative affirmation. If you don’t like something and you’re continuously tuning into it, and I say this because I’m the same way, you know, and you’re the same way, if you find that something doesn’t make you feel good, but you keep going back to it, or you find that there’s someone you don’t like, and you keep engaging in that process, it is such a great opportunity for growth, because that is probably more telling of where you are in your life, why you’re pursuing it and what it is you think you’ll get off of.

If it’s like, man, I just, I want to watch this thing crash and burn. Why is that enjoyable to you? If it is, you know, I watch her things because some of it’s really good, but I really don’t like her. Why are you pursuing it? You know? And. When I say that I have learned so much, not just from the things that I watch joyously, but from the things that I’m like, man, I watch this, but it doesn’t make me feel good. Like horror movies, you know, I actually am not a horror movie fan, but whenever there is a movie that I watch like, or a certain series or something, and I’m like, why did I enjoy that?

Like, I really love Quentin Tarantino movies, right? And Quentin Tarantino movies are like, beyond violent, you know, it’s like, and I’m the person who can’t even watch a movie trailer for something scary without getting the EBGBs. And I had to ask myself, why do I like watching these movies? And I realized that what I like about it is his use of, and this is, you know, total tangent, but you’ll get where I’m going with this, his use of, um, different types of artistic media.

So like they kind of have a Western feel. If you’ve ever seen like Pulp Fiction or Kill Bill or any of those very popular movies, those are all Quentin Tarantino and he pulls from different genres in order to make his movies. And I just find that to be interesting because I think I’m learning more about different genres and his storytelling is very cool to me. And so I realized, oh, well, there’s a possibility that I could find someone who does things like that, but maybe doesn’t have the horror part of it or the violence. And that will allow me to enjoy what I want to see without having to watch what I don’t want to see.

And again, if you’re willing to do that self-exploration, that self awareness, you know, it can really help you grow, you know, to be in spaces that are more nurturing to your spirit and not agitating to your spirit, you know, but you as the person who’s deciding to share your story need to understand that that is their growth journey in their walk and it doesn’t mean you have to adapt anything about you.

Now I say a lot of this because I wanted to cover all the things that I know are areas of fear or concern or anxiety that are very real outcomes and possibilities and truths, you know, that you’ll face in sharing your story.

But I also want to talk about what I left out of my book, you know, um, there are absolutely stories, experiences, people, moments, trauma, joy that I have not included in my book. And when people read my book, they’re like, man, Nicole, do I feel like I got a deep dive behind the scenes look. And it’s true. boy, did I put a lot in there but the book is only 320 pages. It is not comprehensive of my entire life. You know, that is barely 10 pages for every year of life that I’ve had.

There is no way that this book has everything in it, and I want to let you know that as you are crafting your own story, as you are figuring out what you want to share in the world, as you are starting to put yourself out there, as you’re even navigating your own ideals and your own theories and what you’re learning. I want to let you know, here’s how I decided a little bit about what would make it in and what wouldn’t.

Some of it obviously was more matter of fact, how does this fit in, in the timeline, how does this fit in with the, you know, core lesson of nothing is missing that I’m looking to weave through the book. A book is still a product that’s only as good as it’s able to be consumed and transformative.

So as much as I would love to just write a documentary scrapbook for myself, you know, if I’m really trying to put this book into people’s hands to create change in their own lives, I have to be cognizant and fully aware of what I’m putting in and what I’m taking out. So here’s how I did some of that.

One of them was, I really was big on not telling stories that weren’t mine. So what does that mean? You know, because obviously life has lived with other people, you know, I’ve got daughters and I’ve got a wasband and I have coworkers and I have, you know, teachers and mentors and people that I’ve interacted with, even fleetingly, you know, there are a couple of stories that I tell about people I’ve bumped into in hallways or at conferences and, you know, how they’ve spoken into my life or, you know, all of that.

And it was really important for me to be clear about my interaction with them and what the takeaway was and how I applied it on the journey and how it’s applicable to possibly your own journey, but man, oh, man, am I really big on not even introducing a story if I feel like I don’t have enough insight into maybe their intention or how it arrived to me in that moment.

So an example of that would be, you know, I’ve got my three girls. My three daughters, you know, are now 12, 21, and 24. And this October marks, you know, almost 10 years, you know, about 10 years. Wow. Since I met them. And since I came into their world, so, you know, a decade is a very long time, you know, there is a lot of history of consistency around the relationship that I have with my girls and where we are, you know, now is only evidence of the, the depth of love and care that we put towards each other in nurturing our relationship and I’m grateful for it, but, you know, as part of that maternal care as their mom, you know, I’m very, very aware that, especially for my eldest daughter, she was a fully formed person before I met her. She was 14.

And, you know, my little one who I’ve, I’ve been with, you know, during the most formative years, you know, um, you know, since she was two, just turned three, I obviously share more of her life story, but, you know, for my middle one, you know, she’s 21, and she was, you know, well into her. Her preteens when I met her. And so when I was writing my story, it was really important for me to only speak to what I’d experienced, uh, what I knew, what I was present for, uh, you know, and not speak to, even if I knew it what their life was before, you know, even if I knew it how they felt about their mother, you know, their biological mother, you know, even if I knew it, you know not speak to things that I witnessed or experienced or overheard or encountered that was truly their private moment.

And that even includes frankly things Well after they were in our life, you know, so there’s no bigger sign of a, in my opinion, of a deeply loving parent than the willingness to stand between hurt and your child, particularly by guarding them in their privacy and seeing them as an independent entity.

And I think that a lot of times because I do share, you know, the tiny’s on our story and our journey and our fun moments and things like that on social media it can feel like people have, you know, they’ve seen, I mean, a lot of y’all have seen them grow up, you know, and they can feel like they have a lot of insight into their moments, but we share the moments that I think are commonly shared, uh, by most people.

You know, those are the moments that I’ve chosen to share. I’ve chosen to share things like prom because it has a universal understanding. I’ve chosen to share things like college moments because it has a universal understanding. I’ve chosen to share things like potty training and, you know, the things that I think are easily understood collectively and are able to be spoken to collectively.

But we have had a lot of very unique experiences and trials, you know, with navigating substance abuse or with navigating schooling and navigating relationships and choices, you know, all the things that I think every person listening here who has either gone through it themselves or, you know, has raised a child going through it, especially, you know, parents of adult children, we all know that our kids are multifaceted and go through a lot of things.

So much of that I have not chosen to share because I’m also really aware, just it like in writing my own memoir, that when I talk about my college experience, you know, I am the main character in that story and everyone around it is a supporting character. And the same thing applies with my kids. In those moments it is not for me to share how they feel about their parents or the status of their parents or how their parents are doing. I can talk about my relationship with my, you know, I fondly call her my baby mama and I love her dearly. And I’ve said that here and everywhere else and she’s had her own journey, you know, that she’s gone through that I do not talk about cause it is not my thing to talk about. I don’t own it, you know?

So it’s really important to know when you are crafting your story and when you are writing that you just want to acknowledge where are you the main character and are you writing from the main character perspective and where are you a supporting character and is that a place that you even write about because it may not be something that you know enough about in order to speak to, you know, so that’s really helped me a lot, but it also, I think, can help you as you’re reading through Nothing is Missing, both get excited about, you know, because you know that there’s more story to come.

Each of my girls is probably going to have a memoir of their own, because if there’s anything I’m empowering them to know, it’s that everything that they’ve been delivered from is a tool that they can use to deliver others. And when I tell you, you think my story is good? The story that my girls have, just the part that I know, and the part that I’ve witnessed, not even the growth and internal moments that they’ve cultivated on their own, is beyond, like so beyond that I wish I could share parts of it because just out of the sheer mama pride of the overcomer nature of my babies, there are so many things I want to share.

And they have hit like, I mean, just the past three years have been so tough on all three of them because there have been so many changes and transition. They’ve all experienced intense loss and grief in different ways. And, um, you And they are still here and still standing and they are overcoming and, uh, they’ve grown and frankly, in a lot of ways, they’re better than they were before and their book is going to be a page turner someday, but it needs to be their book.

And the same thing applies when you’re writing your stories. Another thing I don’t share are intimate moments. I think that a lot of times, you know, there are intimate moments that definitely contribute to the learning and the messaging of your story and contribute to the truth and they’re the type of things where when you weigh out is sharing this important to helping other people transform and grow, or is sharing this something that is self-serving, you know, where I am really sharing this just to get it off my chest, or if I’m just sharing it because I think it is sensational, you know?

Gosh, how many of us have read those books that felt like sensational moment after sensational moment, you know, a lot of the, there are a lot of celebrities who write these books, you know, where when you’re reading them, you’re just like, it feels like hit after hit after hit of like, you did what? And then you did what, you know, and you engage in what and you had what substance, you know, and you’re just kind of like, Whoa, you know, and it’s a page turner, but like for different reasons, you know, and you read it kind of feeling like you went on this rollercoaster, but not really coming out with any value.

And if you’re putting value in the impact of your story first, then you’re not going to be inclined towards just giving sensational, intimate moment after another. You know, I’ll personally say, and I guess I’ll go into the next one, you know, about this, part of how I know that an intimate moment is one that’s not to share is there’s a really big difference between what my friend Jen Hatmaker says all the time, privacy versus secrecy.

And secrecy is when you’re not sharing something out of shame and a lot of people will be assumptive over your life, um, you know, Even things related to my girls, you know, or even things related to your stories, you know that you share because I think it’s secrecy they think that you are not sharing that you maybe like got a DUI when you were younger or that you maybe had a eating disorder when you were younger or that you are on your 12th job because you just couldn’t figure something out like they think you’re not sharing those things because you are secretly carrying shame and if they call you to the table about that that you know, that shame will be put out on the forefront, and I don’t know what the intent is, you know, of that, but people, again, that entitlement to all of you, there is this expectation that in your story, in order for it to be effective, you have to share all of your things that you’re still working through, you know, or whatever may be shame filled.

And we’ve talked about shame before here in our chats, that it doesn’t serve anyone. It literally is not even a feeling that benefits you at all. You know, um, it’s much better to unpack what you’re feeling and why, you know, but you’re allowed to take your time in doing that. But the other side of secrecy is also privacy, right? There are some things that are just no one’s business, you know, and that is, is something that I think in our world of social media where people can literally join you in the bathroom, you know, where they can be with you in every waking moment where we have shows like Big Brother that film you while you sleep, you know, it is really hard I think, as we’ve gone through generations and Millennials are now the old folks, hey, welcome to it, right?

It’s hard for us to understand that privacy is still very much a thing. And friend you can share so, so, so much of yourself and so much of your story, friend, without ever giving up your privacy. And I hope that hearing that sentence alone is powerful to you. Um, I have had friends, especially because, you know, my fiance Alex is in the music industry and when I listen to their music and when I hear their lyrics, it almost feels like I’m seeing more of them in just that communication alone. Um, my podcast producer, you know, he is a spoken word artist and he’s very good at what he does, you know, and anyone can know that it’s amazing how much you can reveal and how much you can change and impact people’s lives with just a few lines that are carefully crafted and well placed.

It can feel like an insight to your soul and there is so much that people do in those moments, you know, that can make a connection and create intimacy. But we also have to remember that when people finally get to the point of sharing that on stage, whether it’s through the art of poetry or music, or sharing that candidly as a writer or an author, that, you know, that glimpse isn’t a permissive pass to think that they aren’t entitled to their privacy.

And I say that to you in that way, because I want you to hear that it isn’t a permissive pass to feel like you have to give that up. You’re still allowed to say, look, I don’t want to share my bra size. You know, you’re still allowed to say, I don’t want to share my food plan.

And what’s great about that is what I found is by keeping private, you know, some things that are meant to be private, you know, with regard to my marriage. There are absolutely some things that I have chosen not to share because they are simply private. I have worked through whatever I need to work through to not have shame or I have worked through and grown beyond whatever it is, you know, or maybe they’re just not that big of a deal, but they’re private, you know. Whether it’s in my marriage or my current relationship or with my kids or with my health or with my parents, you know, these are all things that I have kept to myself, you know, because they just aren’t meant for public fodder.

And what’s amazing is you can still write, and I hope you hear this, you can still write an impactful, wildly successful, you know, book and story and speaking engagement and give so much of yourself and not give all of yourself. You shouldn’t be fearful and feel like you are limited in being able to do that.

And the final point, right, you know, just quickly recapping, you know, you don’t want to share stories that aren’t yours. You definitely want to make sure you’re being mindful of intimate moments. And you want to make sure you’re level setting privacy versus secrecy, right? 

But I also want you to know that part of how I knew what to put in my book and what not to put in my book and parts of it that are not there but may be ready later is because I just wasn’t ready.

And there is a humanness in being able to see people and know like maybe they’re just not. And you are allowed to not be ready to share those certain parts of your story and not being ready can be a lot of different things, friend. It can be that you’re still working through an understanding of it in therapy.

You’re still going through the process. You know, one thing I always reference is, you know, my daughter’s cancer journey. We didn’t share not one word of that journey until she was given the all clear. And that was her decision because, you know, while I had a supporting role in that, you know, journey, and it was a very impactful one that I thought I could really help people with, again, she is the main character, you know, so we did not share, you know, um, any of that, you know, and so that was a huge part of, of not being ready and kind of figure out what, what is ready and what, what is good to share and what is not, you know, and um, and also not being ready means you just don’t know.

You know, and I think that again, in a society where people think that if you are a public figure, or if you decide to share your story, or if you step on stage, which naturally gives you a little bit of authority, you know, that you are expected to be an expert, you are, or you are even claiming that you are. And harking back to number one, even if you aren’t claiming that you are, some people are still going to assign that authority to you and you can’t do anything about it.

You know, you can say all day, you are not perfect, you make mistakes, you are not, An ideal person and people will still say. You seem to think you’re perfect using today, you know, like there’s just no getting around it You know, some people are always gonna sign that but I want you to know that not wanting to speak to things you don’t know enough about yet is allowed and it’s responsible and it is a healthy way to assess areas of your story that you’re ready to share.

So if you feel like you have some conclusion around things, you’re in a much better place to speak to it. And I think that that is, um, that was really powerful in helping me with my book. You know, there are elements of my story that, you know, especially when you come to the end and I’m not going to give any spoilers, you know, where I’m talking about sort of the chapter I’m in now and the relationship I’m in and how excited and in love I am, and there are so many elements there, but I know that I’m going to unpack even more of that, you know, in book two, and yes, there will be more books, you know, there will be a book two.

And I’ll be able to, and I’ll be ready to do that, you know, whenever book two arrives, you know, it’ll probably be in a year or two, couple years, you know, cause it’s a lot to write a book, but you know, there’ll be more in that, you know, at that time because I’ll be ready to talk about it and I’ll know more. Some of the things that I’m still unpacking that I’ll say really transparently here, you know, the aftermath of my divorce, you know, just really, who am I when the dust settles? You know, there’s, there’s still so much of that I’m figuring out.

Getting into another relationship, you know, that is interracial, you know, um, something I haven’t talked about much, but it is something that I’m going to unpack in the future when I know a little bit more about, you know, what it’s like to be in this sort of relationship, you know, that bears similarities to my past, but is also, to be completely transparent, not what I was seeking out.

And then also, you know, things like motherhood. Things like my health journey, you know, I’m still on my health journey So seeing what that looks like for a few more years to determine if the things that I’m doing in this season are fruitful. I’ve got a lot more that I still want to say and the story is still being written and I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to share what I’ve learned thus far my answers that I know so far in Nothing is Missing.

And the responses I’ve been getting, the feedback I’ve been getting the You know outpouring of love and support and understanding and grace that I’m I’ve been given in that story is just and from all of you has just been healing to my soul. When I say my heart is so full and I feel 10 feet tall. I mean it but I also want you to know that there’s nothing more important to me in putting this story out into the world and doing it the best that I can is then for you to be able to know that you can do it too.

And one part of it is, of course, me being bold and getting out here and doing it. But the other part of it is what I’m hoping that we were able to do here in this time. You know, tackling some of the biggest fears around sharing the most, you know, cherished parts of ourselves and giving you, you know, insight into what’s going to happen, you know, and, and how you need to approach it and of course, you know, returning to you and affirming your personal agency to do things as you’re ready, the way you want to, and know that there’s nothing you can do to prevent, protect, or, or keep people from having a say around your story, but know that one of the greatest tools of The enemy of bad vibes of negativity in this world is imparting so much fear upon you that you don’t use your gifts well to change people’s lives.

So friend, I know you have it in you. Be bold, share big, and know that it will make a difference.