Season 3, Episode 76: What are YOU missing?

Season 3, Episode 76

Nicole:

Y’all I am, this is probably one of the most important, I literally am trying not to cry because I’m talking to you on publication day. And for those of you who don’t know what that is, Pub Day is the day that your book baby is born. And so if you’ve been keeping up with all the things, you know that I’ve written, my debut memoir, Nothing is Missing, a memoir of living boldly. And today is the day that it is out in the world, that it lands in your mailboxes and on your doorsteps. And for those of you who are audiobook readers, I am actually reading my own audiobook so you get to catch all my parents accents and all the funny little inflections that go along with, you know, having a book and all of that’s out in the world.

So what’s interesting is, you know, y’all know, I like to keep it transparent. So I’m talking to you now about a week before this day. And this is all meeting you in this moment. And what that means is one, I want to be totally clear about our relationship and how I need your help. Be really, really honest about it. Because I know oftentimes, we come here and it is two friends chatting and catching up and all that jazz. But I also want to be really clear about like the numbers and the behind the scenes and what it is to write a book and have a book and have it out in the world. But I also want to talk to you about what it’s like to put yourself out there like that. I’m not kidding, y’all. I’m getting so choked up. And I don’t know if it’s just the idea that we’re having this conversation on a day where I am literally right now as you’re listening to this, I am likely in because I’m going on tour starting on the eighth, I am likely in New York City, hopping a train headed to Baltimore to sign 300 books, then headed to DC to sign 300 books, and hold an event with the sweet, kind, Amazing Alex Elle. And you’re gonna see all that stuff on social.

So I’m not kidding, if you’re listening, this is one of the most real time full experiences that we can have together because you can see everything but also in listening to this, I’m going to tell you that what you see on social and this is very much like the book, what you see on social is only sort of one dimensional glimpse of the whole process. And part of our chats that we have here on the podcast and part of our you know, the conversations we have in social media in the DMs is because I really like to give full color to the black and white of social and I’m not kidding, that’s what this book is about. You know, I mean, you’ve seen me go through having the girls through a divorce. I’ve talked a lot about my divorce, post-divorce journey, my personal healing, being in the sadness, you know, here on our weekly chats. But now I’m talking about sort of, I guess, the current season, right? And whatever this next step, next transformation will be and before I jump into it, I just want to let you know that I’m so grateful to you.

So many of you have reached out and said to me right out of the gate, Nicole, we appreciate this journey. We know what you’re doing. We’ve been internet aunties from the beginning of time, you know, and we are so thankful that you are writing this book and putting out into the world. And I want to let you know how grateful I am to know that I don’t have to do this by myself. I also want to tell you something really, really, really transparently that is not discussed in the book world and that a lot of people don’t say because it’s not, I guess cool to say or popular to say or you know, whatever. But selling a book is hard.

So writing a book is incredibly difficult depending on what the subject matter is but asking people to help support your book venture is really tough. The average book, you know, is lucky if it’s almost 100 or 1000 copies. And in order to get the visibility of being in places like New York Times or Wall Street Journal or like major press or anything, you basically have to be someone who is ridiculously famous, know a lot of ridiculously famous people, be really rich, have had a really salacious career, right, like talk about something like a gross tell-all or something like big like that, you know?

And it’s really, really rare, really incredibly rare that you would be a black woman, a mom. It’s rare that people like us get that opportunity. And I’m thankful because today, I have that opportunity. It is right in front of me right now. And it’s always been our conversation here for me to show you that I can do it, so that you guys know you can do it too. And that we can do it without being bajillionaires. And we can do it without being messy and compromising our values. And we can do it without not being mom, you know, I literally today did an interview with a major media outlet. And then while I was taking my bathroom break, ordered groceries to be delivered to the house, you know, like, I mean, because then when I get home, I need to cook a couple things, you know, for the week, because that is my real life. And that is your real life.

And I don’t want you to ever think, it is so important to me that you never think that you can’t get to the highest of heights, right up with the greats, just because you decided to focus on being a mom, or just because you’re in a season where maybe you’re battling a sickness or an illness, or you’re starting over after divorce. We are still capable of getting anywhere that anyone else goes. And we just have to rely on each other. And I’m grateful because I haven’t had to do this alone. And I’m thankful to you. And it’s with that, that I also asked that, you know, today’s publication day, and so a lot of people don’t know that the books that are purchased on the week of publication are the ones that are counted for like bonus points, you know, when it comes time to calculate who makes those lists and who wrote the most impactful books that week, and I’m so close. You have to sell close to 20,000 books in order to make this list. And I already know right now, I’m not even kidding. I know y’all. I know right now, y’all are like, Nicole, you’re gonna do it. Nicole, God says, you know, like, I know how y’all are. So I’m thankful because I can feel that energy right now.

But I also know that you have to ask, and if you I mean, you can’t see the video of this because it’s a chat, but I’m like wringing my hands. It is nerve racking to have to ask and say, can you please grab a copy of the book, the hardcover counts for more points, if you buy two copies, one for you and one for a friend. That’s even better. If you have a book club or a, you know, church group or a, you know, a group of girlfriends, and you want to make this a Christmas gift or a holiday gift, that would be tremendous as well, because they literally count every single copy.

So on this publication day, if you can grab a copy of Nothing is Missing. Every single book purchase counts up until October 15. That is this coming Sunday at midnight. And I need to sell 20,000 books, and I am at the homestretch. But it’s not going to happen without your help. So four years, and you know, all this work done, and it comes down to me getting across the finish line by us holding hands and doing it together. So I appreciate you helping me get here. And I’m so excited for us to celebrate what we’re going to do collectively when they announce that I am a New York Times Bestselling author with the power of the internet aunties next week.

So I can’t wait for that chat, because it’s gonna be a good one. But before that, I want to tell you a little bit about this book, you know, because for those who are wondering, you know, but Nicole what’s it about? Nicole, you know, we’ve heard you say nothing is missing, we’ve heard you, you know, sign off by talking about nothing is missing. I also want you to know that the title itself means a lot to me. And that’s what I wanted to go in today, because I talked about how the phrase is powerful to me in the book, but I want to tell you about why this is so meaningful in this season.

So I decided to call this book “Nothing is Missing,” because coming out of divorce, one of the things that I was really struggling with was what I wanted to bring into my next life. And I’d realized that for so many years, I’d been seeking things that I felt I was supposed to get based on what I was told to get. And I want to say that again, for any of you who who may not really internalize what I mean.

As marginalized people, meaning women, people of color, growing up poor, you know, we’re often told what we’re expected to do. In society, in our home lives, you know, there’s a checklist we’re supposed to follow and in order to be good and dutiful and responsible, and you know, if you’re a Christian or a believer, you know, godly, you follow this list. And what’s difficult is if you don’t have all the resources that some people have, typically the people that make these lists, you find yourself falling short, you find yourself beating yourself up, you find yourself feeling guilty, and that eats at you, it affects your health, it affects how you show up in the workplace and at home and you find have yourself feeling like no matter what you will accomplish, something is always missing. Prime example, motherhood, you know, you are here doing your very best to take care of these beings that you love more than your own life. And just when you think you’ve managed to kind of figure out how to have a routine, you’re told that the way that you’re doing the routine is wrong, or that you’re feeding your kid off plastics, and that’s wrong. 

And you know, I’m not judging any of the evolution and knowledge that we get to benefit from to improve ourselves. But I’m acknowledging that we are literally always chasing something that is missing, if it’s not enough money, or if it’s not being too thin, or too big or too smart, or too quiet, or important enough business, or, you know, being at home and focus on the family, you know, there’s always something that is missing from our life.

And that was so much of my life for so many years, it was driven by, I grew up sleeping on a couch, and I talked about that, in this book, I grew up sleeping on a couch so what’s missing is I need a home, you know, I need a home with stairs in it, you know, and I’ve got these amazing girls who are so deserving of everything, and I got nothing for them, you know, I don’t have you know, a home and room and space. And I need to get those things because they’re missing that. And I want you to know, some of these things are very legitimate, you know, some of us are living without in a way that we shouldn’t. And that’s important to acknowledge the systemic things that are in place that make it so that we have to choose between, you know, a gallon of milk or a gallon of gas. Those are very real things that we’re encountering every single day.

But it’s when this awareness of things being missing translates into starting to question our own identity, our identity and our worth, that’s given to us inherently by God, and by the fact that we exist. That’s when it starts really causing harm and that’s where I found myself, when I decided to shift from writing a business book, to writing the truth, to writing the why behind the what. Business and TV, and even our chats here, this is what I do, but why I do it. That’s what’s in this book.

And during my recovery and healing process, you know, after divorce, I was not sure what I was good at anymore. I wasn’t sure if… I certainly didn’t think I was a good wife. I wasn’t sure if that was a job title I’d ever get to hold again, because I didn’t feel like I knew how to do marriage quite right. And I wasn’t sure if I was a good mom, because I was really struggling to take care of myself. I wasn’t healthy. I didn’t understand healthy habits, you know, and my body was showing it. And I wasn’t sure if I was a good business owner because you know, that’s not just quantified by how much money you make. I wasn’t loving my work. I didn’t enjoy managing people. I was stressed out and overwhelmed. And I felt like I was always chasing the next big launch. And that was so unbearably sad for me. And I felt so deeply alone, you know, so alone and trying to find the answers for these things. And, you know, the way that marketing works, right, as we scroll on social media, there’s always something telling us well, this is the answer. This is the answer. This is what you need to do try this workout, try this, you know, hack, try this software.

And in stepping back from it all because I had to because of what my health was doing. I didn’t even have time to consume what the solutions were. I just had to say to myself, if I couldn’t get a single other thing, if I could never fall in love again, If I had to run my business with what I had in front of me, if I don’t get healthy, and this is the type of mom I could be, what would I do with that?

What would I do if all I had to move forward was what I have now? If there isn’t chasing and seeking something else, if I could only work with what I have. And it was then that I really started thinking well I could still do this and maybe I could serve this way and you know, if I’m never going to fall in love and if I’m you know not going to have a relationship then boy you better love the heck out of yourself and once I started that road and I embrace the journey of saying that if all I have today is what I have, then I need to make the most of it. I need to maximize it. It was then that I realized how much I really had that nothing is missing.

There’s a story that I tell in this book of when I looked at my girls, and I said to them, you know, I’m looking to quit my job, my nine to five job. And if some of you were there on that day when I quit my job live on line in front of 10,000 people and jumped into entrepreneurship, you know, with a plan with a strategy, but you know, I did it. And, you know, I share in this book that prior to that, I talked to my girls, and I said to them, you know, I’m trying to do this big venture, and I’m scared, like I, you know, I was just very transparent. I said, I’m scared, and I think it’ll work. Everything’s looking really good. I’m helping people. I’m making money doing it. And my goal is to make our lives better than it’s ever been. But I just need to know that you’ll be okay if it doesn’t work out, you know that, you’ll trust that I’ll still take care of you and that I’m never ever leaving, and that I’ll do my very best. And no matter what, it’ll be okay.

But it just, we may not have, you know, the big fancy house, or we may not have the cool car, and my kids looked at me, and the only thing they said to me was, will you still be there?

And I didn’t realize as kids will be, you know, the most incredible teachers we ever will have, you know, that my kids understood something that I didn’t, you know that there was so much value in our togetherness, and there were so much value in seeing each other as we were with what we had. And that we both grown up, my kids, myself with so little, you know, that we already had so much because we had each other. And even if we wanted to pursue something new, even if we wanted to take on a new goal, or a new task, build a business, write a book, film, a TV show that we had eachother, and we had our hard work ethic within ourselves. And with that alone, nothing is missing.

And I know that some of these chats can feel very inspirational, or you know, kind of speech-y like, and I just want to keep it all the way real. “Nothing is missing.” That phrase is getting me through this season right now, this season of selling this book of putting it in people’s hands of showing up to press and media, the things that you’re going to see on social where I’m smiling and coming out there and doing my my darndest to sound eloquent and poised and knowledgeable. And I’m scared, you know, that’s the truth, I’m scared. And the thing I’m afraid of is not just sharing my story vulnerably and having to hear feedback about that, because that’s just how the world works. But I’m also scared because I’ve worked really hard to identify my worth in the fact that I wake up every morning.

And my worth doesn’t exist in this book, and how it does, and who likes it. And if it’s popular, or if I do become a New York Times best seller or if you know, my kids see me, you know, hitting the top of those lists. Now you better believe that I want to hit those lists, I want to hit those lists, because I know that in hitting those lists, you know, I’m answering the thing that I tell them every day, which is where you started does not dictate where you end up.

But the thing that I’ve worked so hard for over the past couple of years, you know, deprogramming myself from years of being told that I’m only useful in so much is how I serve others. And I’m only useful and I’m only beneficial and I only have worth in so much in how I provide and what I make and what I do. And if I’m not directly contributing to the happiness of another person, that I don’t really have the same value.

You know, I don’t want to get back there. Because it was so unhealthy for me and, and I hope that you friend, you know, as someone who is responsible for, you know, co workers and babies and partners and, you know, that lends so much of yourself to these things that you recognize that you’re worthy when you wake up, and that you recognize that your worth is not tied into, you know, what you do for other people and know that you can still tackle these big goals and you can still show up and make these lists of things, you know, for yourself, but I want you to know that a lot of these books, these memoirs, these self help things, these inspirational novels, they’re all telling you to like, you know, work harder, show up, you matter. But I don’t know how many people admit that they’re still working on it themselves. It almost feels like you have to be at the finish line to write the book.

And part of what’s I think special about this book is that we’re still on the journey together. And I’m just sharing what I know if I might be a few steps ahead of you. And I think for some of you, you’ll read parts of this, and you’ll say, Oh, I’m so glad that I learned already, you know, and for some of them, I think you’ll say, wow, you know, I’m really glad that I can see this coming and Nicole’s pointed it out. But what I do know is that a lot of it boils down to recognizing that when we really absorb and identify that we are worthy when we wake up, and that nothing in between the moment that we open our eyes and close our eyes changes our worth, it doesn’t get better, because you, you know, got a promotion. And it doesn’t get worse, because you missed carpal pickup, you’re still worthy. And once you start realizing that it transforms how you show up with the world.

So you know, in this season, that’s the thing I’m clinging to, and it’s a thing I want to share with you, as you’re watching this journey. You know, on one end, you’re going to see me doing pretty cool things. My mind is still reeling about some of the interviews and chats and press moments and groups that I get to talk to you and some of you I’ve already met, you know, at events in New York, DC, LA, Houston, Chicago, you know, but when I tell you all those things mean everything, but they also mean nothing about who I am.

And I really want you to understand and hear me when I say that meeting you and being near you, and having the opportunity to do these big things, is such a blessing and it’s such a gift. But I’m worthy when I wake up, and so are you. And so, friend before I head out of here and ask you to you know, get on Amazon, get on Barnes and Noble, head to your local bookstore, you know, and grab a copy of this book, I want to leave you with an excerpt, a small portion of it from you know, my favorite chapter. The chapter is called, “You are Worthy When you Wake Up.” And I haven’t read any of this book to you so far, but I want to do it here today.

And I also hope that at the end of this, you recognize that, you know, this isn’t just a good story. You know, this isn’t just your friend telling you a little bit more than you knew before. This is your Fresh Start Manual, you know, this is an opportunity to recognize that you are really good at starting over, we all have to be and that no matter what happens along the way, that our worth isn’t going to change as long as we can keep getting up and doing it every single day.

So this is from my book, Nothing is Missing by Nicole Walters. And it’s out today, October 10 2023. It’s going to be a New York Times Bestseller. And I’m grateful because you’re going to be part of that journey. So here is an excerpt from my favorite chapter you are worthy when you wake up.

A lot of people, I used to be one of them, think self worth is defined by what you get when you achieve a certain level of life. You might think you are worthy if you have the right job, or the right home, you might not even allow yourself to reach for something because you feel your self worth hasn’t been validated by some external force. But that’s false. Your worth isn’t defined by a destination. It’s also not defined by what you do between lifting your head up off the pillow in the morning and laying it down at night. Here’s the twist, your worth doesn’t increase or decrease. Some people think your worth can only increase if you hit a goal. But it doesn’t. It also doesn’t decrease. You are just worthy. No matter what. You inherently have value. You are worthy when you wake up.

Yet, we tell ourselves we’re not worthy all the time. In a million different ways. If you wake up saying that in order to display your worth to yourself, you must eat well, exercise, show love to your children and then you decide to do drugs, not honor your commitments and neglect your children. Then understand the reason why you’re questioning your worth in that moment, is simply because you aren’t affirming what you’re saying your worth with actions that support it.

Once you understand that you are worthy, affirm that with action. You can keep saying your affirmations in the mirror all day, but they don’t mean anything if you don’t follow them with an action that proves to your whole body, your whole self, that what you are affirming is true.

Friend, this book is an affirmation to my spirit that nothing is missing. And it’s my hope that it calls you and supports you and guides you in knowing that the same thing is true about you.

Nothing is missing.