You Can Save Yourself
Friend, do you need to save yourself? In this chat I am answering the number one question I get from you around finding your purpose, discovering your gifts, and getting clarity over what’s next for you!
This is such a hot topic and I share WHY I think that is plus where to start in the process. We also talk about how I made myself content this week and a recent self revelation I had that I think you’ll really relate to. The bottom line? Friend, stop all the saving and save yourself!
We’re getting into it today friend! Thanks for being here and making this a two-way conversation! Share your thoughts with me by sliding into my DMs @NicoleWalters. Talk to you there friend!
Nicole:
Hey, friends. So our chat this week, I’m just gonna dive in because it is chock full of goodness. And this is all goodness that you have asked for specifically. So our Q&A is the number one question that I get from anyone who’s trying to start something new. Our Don’t make yourself content this week is kind of personal for me. But I’m excited to share with you because I think that you’ll understand and hopefully you’ll find some meaning for yourself. And then our little chat that we’re going to wrap up with today is something that I really have spent the past year learning. It’s a little bit more of a personal chat but I really am proud of the growth I’ve made in this area. And I also know in some of the conversations we’ve been having in the DMs and some of the conversations we’ve been having on social, that this really speaks to us so this is gonna be a good one. Lean in, grab the kiddos, this one’s all good stuff. And I’ll let’s get to it.
So the Q&A that I received that slid into my DMs this week, is the number one thing I mean, I always get a variation of this, all the time. And it’s Nicole, where do I start if I want to try something new? How do I find my purpose? How do I find my gift? And how do I get started? I get this question so often. And I first want to address the root of the question. I think the root of the question is that we are living in a time right now where a lot of people are making a lot of money online, telling you that you need to find a purpose, telling you that the time you are spending is not being spent well. Or there are things you need to be doing differently, or are there things that you’re seeking out, I mean, there is just a big huge business around you being in a state of constant dissatisfaction of where you are and who you are. And, and that is always leading us to feel a little like we’re stuck. Like we need to work really hard at finding something new. And that’s the first thing I just wanted to address.
There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with you, friend, every place you are is meaningful. If you’re working with your kids, if you’re working in your business, if you’re still at the nine to five, whether or not that is where you think you’re ultimately going to be and whether or not you figured out where you want to go, I just want to let you know that it’s still meaningful, the time that you’re spending is is worthy, you’re learning things, you’re gathering skills, you’re lending your gifts to a child or to your business or to others, and it all counts.
So acting as if purpose is some far off destination that you have yet to reach, or you constantly need to be working towards rather than treating purpose like the journey that you’re on every single day and you’re acquiring bits and pieces along the way, is misleading, and it’s harmful. I want you to know that every single day, as long as you’re showing up the best you can, you are doing something worthy, and you are doing something meaningful.
So all that being said, it doesn’t change the fact that we do feel our calling, we do feel that movement, we do feel that need to make a shift. And I want to let you know that making that shift is something I absolutely relate to, after quitting my job live online in front of 10,000 people. And after launching a TV show and you know, having this podcast space for us to hang out and chat and you know, I get the need to start something new the call to express ourselves, whether it’s creatively or financially, in a different way.
So again, and I want to let you know that where to start is actually a lot simpler than you think. It really starts with putting a pen to paper and designing what it is that you’re seeking. It’s focusing on the end outcome and not the first step. So in business, this is simply the concept of reverse engineering. And what that means is you actually work backwards from the end goal forward to figure out what you need. So a lot of us feel stuck because we feel overwhelmed with all the many steps in front of us. Do I get a business coach? Do I sign up for a business account? Do I need to raise money? Do I need investors? Do I talk to my husband about having more babies? Do I just go see a doctor first to find out whether or not I can’t have more babies, do I? You know, what do I do? What do I do?
We always feel so overwhelmed with all the many steps in front of us. And in reality, getting clarity around where we’d like to end up is the first thing. So for me, whenever I’m trying to figure out where to start, I really try to figure out where I want to end up so if the answer of where I want to end up is I’d like to buy a new car. You know, I start doing research around what car do I want? You know, am I looking for a car with great safety? Am I looking for a car that you know goes really fast? Am I looking for a car that has these features? Once I found what I’m looking for, and a price point that’s attached to it. Now you can actually go backwards from there and figure out what do I need to get and acquire to get to that goal. Furthermore, when you have clarity around the goal, you actually start learning more about the resources and people you need to ask to figure out what you need to get to the goal. So what that looks like is this, if I know that I want to get this car. Well, now that I know how much it costs, I can probably ask the dealership? What are my different financing options? If that’s the route that you want to take? Or how much do I need to start saving from each paycheck so I can pay for this thing in full and remain debt free? And if I now know kind of what numbers I need to bring to the table, what does that bring next? If I’m working my way backwards. It’s determining what sort of work I need to do to make those numbers? So now I can evaluate? What job do I need to have? And how much do I need to save? Do I need a second side hustle? Or do I need to ask for a raise? How much do I need to adjust my budget to make it happen, so on and so forth.
But friend, you see what’s happening here, we start at the top, and we work our way to the bottom? I think that too often because we get overwhelmed and gobbled up in the details around what feels like a very big dream. We fail to do the research around how to make that dream possible. Listen, we live in an amazing, amazing time. There’s so much information available and honestly we have access, direct access, to the resources and mentors and people that we know, like never before.
Since when have you been able to slide into a celebrity’s DMs? Since when have you been able to just shoot out an email to a company’s CEO directly and get some answers that you’re looking for. It may not work every single time but it is possible. All you have to do is know what to ask. And all you gotta do is know what you want. So if you’re saying to yourself that you’re trying to figure out where to start, I’m going to throw back at you to figure out where it is you’re trying to go. Get some clarity around that and then everything else will rise to meet you. Friend, I’ve learned that anything is possible. I’ve gotten really good at asking the right questions but I’ve gotten even better at getting clear about my destination, you can do the same. Try these tips and make it happen.
So for Don’t make yourself content you guys know I always usually pull ripped from the headlines or something that happened this week. But I actually am just going to talk about how I made myself content, if you will. It’s kind of crazy. Because you know how I am in our chats, I just kind of put myself out there. But the number one thing that always happens to me, and I didn’t realize it was so heavily talked about was whenever people meet me in real life. Recently I held what I called a meet and eat. I know you listen, you know me well enough that you’re not surprised. People have meet and greets, right. It’s a thing where if you have some degree of a following or a good bit of friends online like I do, you might pull together a little get together where everyone comes to a venue or you know a bar or a restaurant or some sort of spot. And we all get together and we might chat.
Now usually they’re pretty formal. Meaning if you have these meet and greets you might have security there or like a handshake line or you’re selling your books and there’s microphones and all that razzle dazzle y’all know me well enough to know I’m a hot mess. It’s not like that. It might not always be trust me, my team around me because I do have a team. I have an agency. I’m repped, have managers all that they’re always like Nicole, please, Nicole, please do the formal thing. What are you doing? We can help you with this. We can get sponsors, yada, yada, yada. I’m like, No. All we need is Target and like some cheese. We just want to get together and shop at Target and eat cheese. And so, you know, needless to say last week, that’s exactly what I did.
I put out the call to you and you know and the rest of our internet besties and if you don’t follow me on Instagram, it’s why you didn’t hear about it. But if you follow me on Instagram at NicoleWalters, you saw that I put out the request and I said, Hey in LA guys, we are all going to get together. And we’re going to meet at our local Target. And we are going to eat cheese, I’ll bring the cheese. And we are going to drink Starbucks. And we are going to shop at Target and we’re going to hang out and we’re going to talk friend things and we’re going to decide if we need that new turquoise bag. And we’re just gonna have a good old normal people time. And it was amazing, because I put out that call. I limited the group size because we didn’t want to overwhelm our local Target acting like a bunch of teenagers but we sold out like super quick, it was awesome. And all proceeds went to City of Refuge, my favorite charity. I absolutely love them.
So thank you guys who ended up buying a ticket to the meet and eat because you helped support this great cause that I absolutely love. But you also came to this amazing event, we had such a good time and you can actually see photos and videos and stuff like that over on my Instagram now but we had a blast. And this all leads to how I made myself content. So I was the content this week on my social media. This meet and eat.
What kept on coming up while we were there together. Everyone kept saying Nicole, I am absolutely shocked, but also like being super kind of like giving me credit. They were like, you are literally exactly like you are online. Like I am floored that you’re not different. And I’ve heard this like guys, I’ve been on the internet for 12-15 years now. And I’ve done lots of speaking events and lots of get togethers and lots of one to ones and lots of that stuff. I meet you guys all tomorrow, meet you at the mall or target in line or airplanes, you name it. And I often get that where they’re like, oh, you know, whomever I meet, like, if I met you, you know, wherever. They’re always like, oh, you know, you’re exactly like I thought and it’s always interesting to me. And here’s the content piece. And I think where we can all learn. It’s always interesting to me because then I asked Well, what did you expect, you know, or like, and usually the feedback I get is whenever they meet anyone and maybe you’ve had this experience too and I have a feeling you’re probably thinking of a scenario or something you know, similar or something you’ve heard of right from like another influencer internet person face or whatever.
Where they met them finally and they were like mean or standoffish or cold or awkward. I’m definitely awkward, but I give awkward like I give awkward online and I also give awkward in person. There’s no surprise there, right? Like that is very classic Nicole, like what am I doing with my hands? Yes, I’m eating cheese. No, there’s not candy in my pocket? Yes, it is. Yes, I’m adjusting my Spanx. Like these are things that we expect, because that’s how I am all the time. But that said, you know, people say that they just they’re noticing that there aren’t consistencies. And so I’ve really been chewing on that, because one of the things that comes up in interviews and other people are how do you appear more authentic online, you know, and I realized that a lot of people are making themselves content, whether they’re celebrities or influencers or building a brand or what have you, and making themselves content simply because they aren’t being who they are on the internet in person. So that when they are that person, when they meet them in person, then you’re like content now because you’re like, I thought you were nice. And then I caught you like screaming at a, you know, staff member at a restaurant, and boom, you’re content.
So that’s today’s lesson is, you know, well, if we’re going to show up in the world on the internet, how do we manage that with our real life? And I just kind of want to tell you what I’ve learned. So for me, I’ve learned that it is a lot easier to be authentic. If you are just yourself all the time. I know that sounds simpler and easier said than done. But it really is that simple. So when you see me online, from the beginning, I have shown up in pajamas, no bra and bonnet on the internet, like I have set that bar low y’all like plot twist, set the bar super, super low, and you’ll never disappoint them in person. I’m telling you, it’s like if you’ve seen me on the internet, you know with you know, no bra nips tagging into my waistband, you know, tucked in there, and like no makeup on bags or whatever you meet me in real life and you’re like, wow, Nicole, you look better in person. And well, thank you very much. Like I’ve received that, you know, I just I just find that if I live without pretense on the internet, and if you know I’m a hot mess, and if I say look, I was scared of this thing or I made this mistake or I think I screwed this thing up or I need help with this. It’s not much of a surprise if that’s how I am in person or if I am engaged in friendly in the DMs you know that I would also be that in person two, it’s just a lot easier on my spirit like selfishly so you know, it’s not really about you and our friendship in particular, but selfishly, so it’s a lot easier on my spirit to not feel pressure and nerves around being liked or validated through approval if the person that I am, it’s not something I have to modify or worry about matching up with.
So being completely honest about it even more, you know, with knowing that I was going through a divorce and kind of figuring out those transitions, there are things that I’ve kept private to myself, as I was sort of navigating it on the internet, but it wasn’t private out of shame, it was private, out of privacy, you know, because these things don’t really have to do with me solely. And also because I wanted to figure out how I felt so that I could be sort of respectful and honoring my own boundaries when I spoke to y’all. And also, because there is like, a little twinge of like, gosh, I just really hope that my friends are okay too. You know, because you guys are so supportive and loving and kind. And I just want to make sure that like, as we go into this next chapter, you guys aren’t like disappointed and you feel good about things. And you aren’t like Nicole, like what’s going on, you know, all that good stuff.
So, you know, it’s usually just me trying to figure out my best words, so I can show up as my best self. But yeah, like I tell you it’s a lot easier to be consistent and not become content, if you’re just yourself all the time. I will say that part of why I think this was almost accidentally done for me was because I’ve been on the internet for 15 years. In the very beginning, Instagram wasn’t Instagram. So showing my age here a little bit but I think that a lot of us who remember when Instagram first first came out, we know that everyone was kind of figuring it out. No one thought it would be the money making platform. No one was monetizing social media with ads. It just wasn’t even a thing yet. No one was selling products or selling goods. There weren’t fake accounts, it literally was just a place where people are posting pictures, and playing around with filters a little bit. And that was the extent of it. So that’s how I used it. I always used social media as a means to engage with people. Basically, I use social media to be social. And that means that I chat with you in the DMs and I answer the comments myself. For those of you guys who don’t know, I run my own social media, there’s no teams in there, there’s no assistant, it’s just me. So, you know, I get between 250 to 1000 messages a day and I don’t answer them all, you know, but I try my best to get to them. And it’s me responding, you know, and I write all my own captions, those are not farmed out to a team and they never have been, I always do all my own content, I take all my own photos, unless I say that someone else has totally taken them.
You know, it’s all my own stuff. And so it’s been like that for 15 years. And I built my following without buying a single like or anything like that. And I say all that to let you know that truly, I have built it all without all the hashtags. I don’t use hashtags, or the gimmicks or the hacks or all those things. And I did it simply by just being myself. And so I think what happened is that one, I’m really, really, really, really lucky. Because I’m blessed. Because the fact that we’ve found each other here means that we’re the right people for each other, because what you see is what you get. So if you like me, I’ll like you. And you know, and because we like each other and we’re being honest about it.
Whereas I think with some people, they’ve come onto social media, and they’ve worried so much about curating a very specific image that tells a narrative of who they think they are, how they want to be seen. And what that’s ultimately caused is the ability and the pressure to feel like you have to be that all the time. So for those of you who said to yourself, I’m avoiding social media, because I don’t want that pressure. Or I’m not sure how to use my social media because I don’t want to be inauthentic. I just want to let you know that if you worry less about what people will think and how they’ll receive you. And if you worry more about just being you, you’ll be just fine. And that’s how to avoid making yourself content. Just be yourself and know that that is always good enough. And if nothing else, it’s a lot harder to be someone else.
So since this has been a full on chat, talking about all my biz, this one is a harder chat. It’s almost as hard as some of our earlier chests that we had at the top of the season. If you haven’t gone back and listened to episode one or episode three, where I’ve talked about sort of just boundaries with my children and my life and some of these transitions that I’m going through in my life right now with my marriage. You definitely want to go back and listen to those because it’ll help you understand sort of the context, I guess around a lot of what I’m sharing now but what I want to talk to you about is something that I have learned is a huge problem in my life, it’s actually a little bit well talking about it, I’m not kidding, it’s I’m feeling like the, the nerves, you know, a little bit because it’s, it’s embarrassing, I guess. Or maybe I just feel a little bit raw, sharing it out loud. And whatever, we have these chats, you know, I know you’re in the kitchen, or you’re in the gym, or you’re out and about doing your thing, but I don’t see your face, you know, and I’m just kind of like putting it into the void, but I’m trusting that you’ll understand and hear my heart here and extend me grace as I am learning to work through this. But it’s not something I’m embarrassed about, because a lot of us do it. I’m just really learning how impactful it’s been to my life. And it is an attribute and a behavior that I’m working really hard to grow and change around.
So the thing I’m talking about is something that goes along with boundaries. And boundaries are like a hot button topic, I think you guys hear it everywhere on the internet, you need to set boundaries, you have to have healthy boundaries. And if you’re not familiar with that, what boundaries are boundaries, essentially, are creating sort of a personal value system and ideals and concepts around what makes your life healthy and happy. And sort of being very clear about what that is that you need, and communicating it well so that other people can honor that. And hopefully, right, because not everybody honors boundaries, and we have to be prepared for that. But clearly communicating it so that that way you build a world that is protective of your mental health, frankly, and, and not just your mental health. But boundaries can also exist around like physical products, your body, your home, your material, goods, everything. So it’s just sort of kind of having like a personal rule set that is developed by you inside to make sure that people can respect you from the outside, and everybody needs them, everyone needs to use them because it helps us interact better and it also makes you a healthy, happier person as you’re accomplishing your goals in a crazy, chaotic world.
So boundaries are important. And if you’re not taught about them, what happens is, it’s very common for people to push boundaries or not respect them just by nature. If you are eating a meal that is shared, and you haven’t made it clear that we need to save some for these other parties that are attending, it is not uncommon to think that someone might eat extra food or extra cupcakes or what have you not knowing that there was a boundary set, or an expectation that there were other people. So that person may not have intended to violate the boundary, but they may have done that inadvertently and still cause you to feel upset or violated or unprepared because they didn’t respect that boundary.
So boundaries are important, they show up all the time, you gotta have them. So I’ve been working on that for years, not just boundaries within, you know, my relationship with my was-band, you know, and not just, you know, boundaries and relationship with my children, but boundaries in relationship with myself. And that’s what I wanted to talk about today. You know, sort of one of my biggest weaknesses, you know, that I’m working on that has been, you can hear, and I don’t want to edit that part out, you can hear that I’m kind of a little funky and talking about it, it’s because it’s embarrassing. So I’m just going to just bite the bullet and say, I’m a rescuer. And you might be too, and maybe not everywhere, but maybe in some places, and it hurts us. And it hurts the people around us. And we think we’re helping and we’re not. And I have spent years rescuing people when I needed to save myself.
And what happens is if you become a chronic rescuer, you get into the habit of setting yourself on fire to keep others warm. And what happens is you also cripple other people’s ability to learn how to take care of themselves. And what that means is, you actually have to learn the ability to watch other people fail. This goes against every fiber of my hardwiring, I am by nature, a helper God has formed me to be in this world to be a value add to be a helper to to show up to stand in the gap that is something I know about myself, unequivocally.
However, I’ve had to learn that sometimes the best way to help people is to turn away, walk away or move to the side. No one ever told me this. When I tell you that I have harmed people in my life, because I continuously rescue them inadvertently. But by always being a safety net, by always being a backup plan, by always being a solution, I have failed to afford them the opportunity to learn from loss. Loss and failure can be one of the greatest teachers that we could ever have. Think about your own life. Think about who you are and how you show up today.
How much of that is because of the trauma that you’ve had to overcome? How much of that is because you’ve had to learn how to stand in the gap of the old things you were lacking? How much of that is because people failed you and didn’t show up and didn’t do what they needed to do? Not even intentionally, where they said they would.
You develop skills that you leverage day in and day out to serve yourself, and by extension at time serving others, but recognize that it shows up big and small. If we’re constantly making our kids sandwiches and doing their laundry for them up until the age of 30. They’re not going to learn how to make a sandwich or do it for themselves. And even if we say to ourselves, well, they know how to do it, I’m just being helpful. Well, I want you to understand that even if they know how to do it, learning how to integrate that skill into their life in a daily way in your absence is something they will struggle with. And they will recognize that it would be easier to find someone else to stand in that place rather than do it themselves. Because that’s the life to which they become accustomed.
People adapt to ease very quickly. And what happens is, they don’t step up and say let me quickly replace it with the difficult thing. They say is there another place where I can have something fill this gap that will replicate the ease to which I’ve been accustomed first? So when I raise my daughters, I think I want to raise people that know how to independently take care of themselves and are not looking to be fulfilled by others so that one, they’re not looking for someone else to sell them a story of how they lack, but two so that when they eventually find the partners that they end up spending their lives with, that they’re able to be able to say, Look, I am here as a value-add to our partnership as we grow things together but I am not here to stand in the gap of what you lack, and be all the things that you can acquire and be for yourself.
I tell you, friend, this lesson has been hard fought and I’m still fighting it every single day. I’ve got a 23 year old, which as I mentioned in episode one, is going through some struggles with addiction. And she’s doing great, she is seven months sober, you know, as of this time, and I’m so so proud of her. But this is a part of her history that has existed long before she came into my world. And or we came into each other’s world honestly, you know, and I love her to no end and she is a blessing and I have zero regrets about being our mother, it feels like a privilege to even be positioned to do so. But it also means that I’ve had to really learn to balance how I want to show up in her life, and hand her as much responsibility as possible that she’s able to bear so that she can learn to carry it on her own.
And my kids have really taught me how important it is to not rescue. Because one thing that becomes sobering as I grow older and older, and especially as I’ve lost my own father recently is that at some point in time, I’ll be gone. And if there’s nothing else that I want to give my children, it’s the ability to be able to sustain in my absence. I want them to be able to have a life that is uncompromised by the fact that I’m here or not here. I want them to feel happy and whole and complete by themselves. And that means that I’ve got to loosen the reins and let them fail or fly. And it’s a little bit easier with our kids because we recognize that that’s the relationship that we’re rearing them. But I want you to examine other relationships.
Are you always rescuing at work? Are you always rescuing with your spouse? Are you always rescuing with a brother or a sibling or a best friend, who doesn’t plan and prepare for the bill? Who isn’t planning and preparing for the career choice who isn’t planned or prepared with food? Who isn’t planned or prepared for the trip? Are you always saying well that’s just how they are so I’ve learned how to accommodate for their lack. Because people need to experience the consequences of their own lack so they can learn the tools that they need to acquire to make up the difference.
You don’t have to be that tool, especially when it comes at the expense of your own energy. I’m going to tell you something that I actually posted on social media a little while ago in case you missed it, and something that I actually echo to myself all the time and that I really hope that you absorb. Friend, your business is worth minding. You are so valuable. And any investment that you make of your own energy into your own business is money and time and energy well spent. Anytime that you extract from the bank, have your peace of mind and energy and pay that out elsewhere, it can be a total loss and you’re not getting it back, especially if that person does not invest back or invest into themselves. So if there’s only one thing that I want you to take from the lessons that I’ve fought hard to learn, it’s that you don’t have to save anyone who has the ability to save themselves.
So friend, I’m pledging to give up my rescuing hat today. And I’m hoping that you’re in it with me, because we have big things we’ve been called to do, and big ways that we’re going to show up in this world. And it’s worth putting our effort towards those things. That wasn’t easy to say out loud. But I’m so glad that I did. And in our show notes, I want you to know that I have a little message area there. It’s Nicolewalters.com/message. If you click on that, you can send me a message. I’d love to hear about how rescuing has showed up in your life, how you’ve managed to change it, how you’ve really grown. And maybe we can share some tips not just here but with our other internet besties so that we’re all on the same page, because believe it or not, we’re all kind of helpers by nature. That’s why we get along. We really are about how can we best show up in this world and how can we love on the people around us. But sometimes we do that to our own detriment. So drop me a message in the DMs, send me a message, you know, on our voicemail system so that way I can hear from you. And we can all learn from each other. Because I know that if we can learn to let go just a little bit more. We’re actually going to open up our arms to receive everything we deserve. So let’s go get it.
In this episode, we chat about:
- Why so many of us are looking for our purpose,
- Where to start in discovering your unique gifts,
- How you can live out your purpose right now and every day, plus
- What feedback I get after you hang out with me in person,
- The personal weakness I’m working on right now, and
- Why you’ve got stop saving others when you need to save yourself
Resources and links mentioned in this episode:
- Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram
- Record a voice message for me here
- Don’t miss episodes 1 and episode 3 from this season!
- I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!
More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:
If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.
As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.
When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.
Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.