Nicole Walters, Author at Nicole Walters

I’m scared I will FAIL!

by Nicole Walters | Jan 30, 2024

I’m Scared I Will Fail

Friend I’m getting remarried this year! Y’all have met the misterfella, Alex, on previous episodes but in this chat I want to talk to you about wedding jitters and why I’ve got them!

Yes, I’ve got the jitters and it’s not about him but about me! Coming out of a 12 year marriage that didn’t work, I’ve got questions. I’m scared I will fail. Whether it’s a second marriage, a new business, or another baby, I know you’ve been here, too, friend.

Let’s chat through how I’m handling these jitters and what you can do to live boldly this year.

Thanks for being here friend!

Nicole:

Hey y’all, I mentioned in last week’s chat that this was kind of a big one for me and it is. And, um, I say that because there’s so much that I’ve had to evaluate wanting to share as I am growing my family and getting remarried and all that jazz, but I also always want to bring you with me on the journey and if you tuned in on Instagram last week, I did a Q&A and one of the questions that kept coming up was, Nicole how on earth did you get to the place where you felt comfortable loving again being loved, getting married again, just opening yourself up to that and there are two things about that I want to address before I get into that answer that I shared and I’ve been having conversations about in the DM.

The first one is, um, I love having these chats with you because everyone here is so respectful and grace filled. So it takes a lot to share vulnerably and my intention around sharing this aspect of my life is because I’ve seen the fruit of women in their various stages, whether it is getting out of a relationship, surviving within the relationship or restarting after years being out of one, uh, from seeing someone live these various steps out loud.

So whether you do it like me or you don’t do it like me, or you are just sort of watching because you’re trying to navigate and you know what life is going to give you, um, you know, that is my intention behind sharing. I remember when dealing with the cancer journey with my MidTiny, you know, who’s now 21 and healthy and we thank God for that.

The one thing I wanted that whole time was just a mom who could say like, look, kids survive cancer and everywhere I looked, I was finding stories of sort of really random one off scenarios or stories of, of people who didn’t make it, you know, and have figured out how to move on. And I just wanted people around me to say like, yes, it’s possible.

And I don’t mean like affirming something, sort of toxic positivity style, but really in a realistic way of the highs and lows, including the difficult stuff. And I just, I hope to be that in your life. The second thing about this is I also really transparently trying to balance what I share and when I share about this relationship.

And that is because one, I feel so differently about where I am as a grown woman getting married again. My first marriage happened when I was 22, 23. I was very young. And um, you know, at least young for me. I know some people get married at 18 and it works, but for me, I was young. I was not ready. I do not regret it. I do not regret any aspect of getting married, even though, um, it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to.

But I will say I’m an adult now and I know the decision I’m making and I’m coming at it in a totally different way. And I don’t regret even sharing my marriage, you know, over 12 years or living out loud or anything like that.

But I am holding things a little closer to the vest and here’s what that looks like. The things I’m discussing with you, I try to discuss them when I have them a little bit more sorted out. I don’t like to use social media or any platform that I have as my therapy. It’s not my means to figure it out.

When I say we’re doing life together, I mean, I’m here trying to speak into your life and my goodness, you, you all speak into mine as well in a very positive and wonderful way. And, um, and that’s great. But I also am not looking for a crowdsourced opinion around my relationship.

And I’m really grateful for that because I found that when you speak to things when they are scars rather than speaking to them when they are scabs, they can’t turn into wounds again. And that measurement has always served me very well. So what that means is a lot of times when you hear about things in relation to my relationship or, uh, you know, a new development in the fertility journey, there’s a smidge of a delay, right?

Because I like to take time to process those things with my partner, my family, my therapist, my pastor, and myself. So that said, what I want to talk about today is, uh, getting married again and being scared. Being scared of what it means to become a wife again. And it’s hard to say that out loud because even though I’ve really processed through a lot of where that came from and why and what that means, it doesn’t feel good to say out loud.

Like it doesn’t feel good to say that you’ve met this man that is just dreamy, right? Imperfect, make no mistake, you know, because I never want to be the person who is painting a picture of an idealized relationship, I’ve been really good about not doing that in my first marriage. There are lots of people that I’ve learned, um, no matter what, will always say, you seemed so perfect, you seemed so happy.

But if you listen to what I said, I’ve had like five or six podcasts about how we almost got divorced, you know, uh, and then eventually did get divorced and I’ve constantly talked about the struggles and challenges in my previous marriage. So I, I never try to present an idealized, perfect perspective, but people will see you for what they want to see you for.

But same thing applies here, I do not have a perfect relationship, but I have picked a much better partner for who I am today. And I am very grateful for everything that my Misterfella is, Alex. However, independent of him, the concept of marriage has not been so great to me, right? It’s kind of like if you’ve worked in a certain field or career like say banking or insurance, feeling a little jarred about re-entering the work world after taking time off from maternity leave, not because you’ve been out of the game for a while, but because when you were in the game, you took a lot of hits, you know, and you worry about whether or not it’ll go well again.

You worry about whether or not you have the ability or fortitude to make it work and above all else you worry that if for some reason it doesn’t work out you have the strength to get through it and do it over again, the termination process, you know, and I don’t even want to speak that over my relationship again because I know that I’m meant to be a wife. I know that I’m a good wife and I know that the partner that I’ve selected and that we’ve selected each other we’ve got a really good shot at forever, you know?

And I’m deeply grateful for that and I’m going to give it my all and I am giving it my all, but I’m not so naive as to think that things can’t happen. And the reason why I say that is because I got married the first time forever. So, I’m aware of that possibility. And just that awareness of that possibility is enough to give you jitters. It can give you nerves. It can make you scared.

And I have to say that there’s something to be said. For the fact that whenever you’re reentering something that is a bold decision and a major life change or even returning to something that was a major fixture point in your life, if you’re not feeling any nerves or if you’re not feeling any awareness of the magnitude of the change, you really want to reevaluate, you know, how much you care about what you’re doing.

I think that there’s this false sense that’s often, uh, put out in, in the world where people are like, gosh, I just feel such a peace. I just feel such a peace about this decision. Listen, I feel a certainty. I feel a peace with my partner. It feels God sent and God designed. But I’m scared of marriage, you know? I’m scared of what I’ve been through. I don’t talk about the divorce process often, just because that part is even fresher than my ability to look back and reflect on marriage. But what I can tell you is my divorce was not easy at all.

I wish I could say that it was easy and amicable and just paperwork, but I don’t know if anyone’s is One of the commonalities that is shared amongst divorcees and I’m sure my ex would say about me is that in the because that’s what everyone says about everyone is that in the divorce process you feel like you feel like you are meeting someone you’ve never met before and that is commonly said by everyone, you could Google that sentence.

And what’s interesting about that is I often have felt that when you’re getting divorced, you’re meeting the person that is the reason you are getting divorced, right? Like it should affirm why you want to get divorced. That that person that you’re, that’s on the other side of the table is the reason why.

You know, you’re like, oh, well, if this is what it is, then, you know, because if you’re able to do it amicably and all that, then maybe a divorce doesn’t make sense, you know, but I don’t know. I’ve never been in that situation. So I don’t know. But, um, But that said, my divorce took a lot out of me, you know, and where it took a lot of energy out of me is not from like the stuff negotiation process, right? Because frankly, I and I can say this pretty transparently, I left with three suitcases. I was not wedded to the stuff and I never have been, right?

I’m really, coming out of being a business person, I’m into equity. I’m into, uh, the legality of things. I just want to do things right. And above all else as a mother, I really just care the most about the well being of my children, making sure that they are cared for, loved, that they are affirmed, that they have access to their parents and are well supported in that process.

So like, you know, and then of course restarting. I think every woman, you know, and this came up a couple of times in my, um, Instagram, every woman, when they’re going through the divorce process is really mostly worried about like, Hey, when this is all said and done, will I have enough? And will I have the means and the energy and the ability and the finances to pick up and rebuild and take care of my family?

And I know some of you listening right now who are there, in this process have gone through this process and nodding your head like yes, it’s literally it like I just want to be sort of done with the person I want to mind my own business and I just want to move on, you know? And the biggest part for me was again not worried so much about that because the ability to make money and work hard is something that I have work ethic, you know, so I don’t panic about things like that because I have work ethic, you know, and I will always figure it out one way or another.

And if for some reason I can’t, you know, it won’t be for lack of trying, right? But the part that I think is, uh, was difficult for me during that process, you know, leading up into deciding if I want to get married again was that it was always on the back burner. Like, I could not fully commit myself to anything because I always felt like in the back of my head I had this thing I was waiting for completion from.

Kind of like if you have a family member who is struggling with a certain mental health or medical or health diagnosis and you’re kind of waiting for that, uh, medical thing to be complete, you know? With a divorce, the part of it that is so difficult is you’re reliant on a person that you presently don’t get along with to assist, comply, and help in ending something that at a rate or a speed that you may desire, you know, but that they may not be aligned with, you know, and, um, and that’s difficult, you know, it’s difficult because you would think, oh, we’re all mutually on the same page about getting this done as quickly as possible and yada, yada, yada, and that just may not be the case, you know, and so it can go on.

I mean, Halle Berry’s divorce went on seven years, you know, and especially when large amounts of finances are in play, like divorces can go on for years. And so can you imagine having to deal with, you know, at least in terms of the major-ness in your life, the equivalence of waiting for a diagnosis or a cure to a situation for two years, three years, four years, seven years, um, even though you learn how to live in the now, which that was another question, how do you, what do you do while this is happening?

You just live. Right? You have to live. You have to live. You cannot put your life and your well being on hiatus for years and years and years while you wait for a shift that is outside of your control, right? So I got really good at living. I am still gonna build. I’m still gonna mom. I’m still gonna love.

I’m still gonna take care of myself. I’m just gonna keep living because I can’t let this thing on the back burner that is totally out of my control keep me from living. But it’s still there, you know, and all that being said, it is not something that I would wish my worst enemy through. Nobody likes divorce, nobody chooses divorce, nobody wants divorce, um, and it is not something I wish people through.

So knowing that I just went through this process and the idea that I would re-enter the thing that is required to, I can guarantee that I will never have a divorce again if I never get married again, right? Like, that is the one way, it’s almost like, if there was a way, like, if they’re like, you will never get lung cancer again if you never smoke a cigarette, right?

Like, I bet you money people like, oh, I’m never touching those things again, right? Like that is, you would think it’d be a no brainer. And maybe this is just one of the beauties and wild things about humankind is that we’re willing to put ourselves through the pain. But you better believe that I am over here like, holy cannoli, I can’t believe I’m doing this again.

And again that emphasizes what I said in the beginning. It’s not the man I’m worried about. I would scale Kilimanjaro for Alex because he’s worth it, right? But the marriage is, it was just, it’s just really terrifying. So here’s what I like, I went obviously to my therapist and to my pastor and premarital counseling and, you know, like all these pieces just to make sure that I was hitting all the marks.

I realize, and here’s the part that I really hope is transformative to those of you who are exploring love again. You know, after kind of having your hearts closed or, um, I might just say it because we girlfriends here, still in the marriage or in the tough relationship because you’re afraid to get out because you don’t know if you can find someone else or you’re worried about having to do that dating process again or whatever else.

I just want to let you know the transformative thing I came to was that I was measuring my future as if it were the same as my past. I was saying to myself that I only know how to be married one way and I know how that ended up and I am afraid that this is going to be the same.

But the truth is whether it is your marriage, or your career, or your second business, or your next child, the thing I never want you to forget, that I had to be reminded of, is that you get to bring all of your knowledge, mistakes, and lessons, and every single piece that you had from the thing before, into your new experience.

The you today is not the same you that is meeting this new moment. You are actually better. If anything, this should encourage you to step into new opportunities. If you have been on maternity leave for however long and you are now like, gosh, I have to get back into the work world. I feel outdated. I feel out of place. I don’t know, what did I miss? Listen, the person who started the work world before the baby is not the same person who’s going back in because you’re bringing all of your experience from working years before, in addition to your new skills around scheduling, navigation, parenting, prioritizing, having a baby changes you and it can change you for the better and it is valued.

I want you to know that after talking to my therapist and really spending the time where, I’m not kidding, my therapist always said to me, to my face, she said, listen, you are scared about a hypothetical and you’re afraid to choose the right hard. Both sides are hard. Are you going to be single, be by yourself, knowing that you have a calling over your life to have more children, not that you can’t have children single okay. So no judgment there for those of you who have explored that option or have had by choice had to live that option. But you know, you want to have more children, you want to be a wife, you see that for yourself, that is something that is clearly called over you.

So do you want to live in the hard of knowing that your fear has kept you from embracing what you’re supposed to be and what you know you’re supposed to do? Or do you want to choose the heart of facing it, applying what you’ve learned? Which can we just be honest, learning the lesson is Hard work, but doing the thing that you’ve learned is even harder. And that is the thing most of us run away from.

I can’t tell you how many people I’ve had, hey, hey boundaries, had in my life that were really good at admitting what their problem was and not so good at doing something about it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I have a real problem with, you know, with maintaining a schedule. I have a real problem with holding myself accountable. Yeah, so what are you doing about it, right?

So quick example of this. Me and Alex will get into it. I wouldn’t say like what’s nice is we don’t have like big huge arguments and they’re always like communication based, you know, like where it’s like I thought you were saying this and it seemed like this and this was my expectation and I need to know how it’s different in the future.

And what I love about our arguments, which sounds like a crazy sentence, is that they are very predictable in our format. It’s part of why I can find comfort in marrying him because we do hard stuff together really well. Not because it’s happy hunky dory all the time or I think he’s smoking hot or anything like that. Like part of why I know and I feel really good about marrying him is because of how we do the tough stuff together.

So recently, we had a disagreement. I’m going to be completely honest. I can’t remember right now what it’s about, which I think a lot of, um, us can remember this, but I remember it was a, it was a kind of a fiery one. I’m trying to remember what it was about. It was kind of fiery, but basically we ended up having to take time off for, Oh, Oh, I remember what it was. And I’ll tell you, and hopefully he doesn’t mind because he’s not here. But we were, we had like a date night and I remember that he was working in the studio on a project, I think it was like a commercial or a movie or, you know, a song for a commercial, something like that.

And we had a date night scheduled and I cherish our date nights. Like, Um, not only because I really, when I tell you, I love spending time with Alex, we have fun. It is enjoyable. It just feels so good. Like I love being with him, but also we both have very busy schedules so date nights to me are like force field boundaries cherished, right?

But recently what I’ve been feeling in our past couple of date nights that we’ve had was that he didn’t really want to be there. And I’ll dive into that more. I felt like every time we would have a date night, like his attention was split and his desire was like less than a hundred percent to be there.

And I never articulated it, but I knew that going into every date night, I would feel kind of stressed, like, and I was feeling this feeling of like, am I just not going in relaxed or, and I would, that stress would bleed into, you know, well, what is the activity we were doing? Or, and sometimes we’ll to go do like archery or hatchet throwing or, uh, go see a movie or sometimes we’ll do dinner, but our date nights are usually like a thing, like it’s fun. We’ve done like obstacle courses, like, you know, we just, we have a really good time together but every time our date nights would have a little bit of tension in them, that was like not good.

You know, like we couldn’t just like relax, you know, and it would be like, Oh, we’re showing up a little late. It was just like this weirdness. And I remember feeling to myself, like it wasn’t always like this. We know that we enjoy each other’s company. We’re still doing the date night, but I don’t feel like we’re enjoying them as much.

And what happened was our most recent date night that we had, we ended up like at the end of it all me just being like it’s date night, can we just like put our phones out and just be in it? You know cuz I felt like he was looking at his phone a lot and I was just kind of like what the heck you know, like are we supposed to be interacting blah blah blah and then he was like his response to it was like you’re always telling me what to do or something like thatiIt was kind of like that energy and I remember being like but we’re on date night like it was like one of those type of coupley skirmishes, you know and we ended up being so frustrated that we were just kind of like fine and like didn’t talk.

Now this is, and when I say didn’t talk I mean for like basically the next morning he kind of like left for work, I left, like that whole thing, you know, and we kind of, I call it our cool down period. So this is kind of how our disagreements go. We start off with whatever the thing is that happened and we’re all kind of like we try to talk through it in the heat of the moment but frankly we’re both too hot about it and and so it just nothing really happens conversationally and then we end up kind of reaching a peak where we’re both really frustrated because we’re not communicating well and then we end up taking maybe a couple hours to not talk about it and then we’ll text and we’ll say hey you know can we talk about this and then we’ll come back to the table with much cooler heads and and sort through this is what it felt like it meant and this is what it felt like it meant and then we’re a hundred percent better at the end of it.

So that’s our sort of like cycle of hard stuff conversation so we’re in this cycle of hard stuff and what I did differently here was I was looking at because in the past I would often really discuss What happened and I don’t know if all guys are like this, but they usually like to talk about the scenario what happened here in this date night scenario, so he was very focused on I Don’t like when you’re telling me to put down my phone because we both use our phones for work and you know yada yada yada and and sometimes you have to check in on things and I usually in these disagreements will focus on explaining my thought around the action, what I did differently That was a lesson that I learned from my previous marriage and from therapy and that gave me additional comfort in knowing that this marriage will be different, was that I applied what I learned which was look you can spend all day unpacking the singular situation, but there’s a feeling behind the feeling.

What are you really feeling Nicole? And I just said it out loud and it was a feeling that I used to be scared to say a lot Of my feelings in my previous relationship because I worried granted and not granted that my partner may not be receptive to it and so in this, but that’s not Alex at all. Alex cares about everything about me, whether I, you know, if I’m happy, if I’m sad, like he wants to always know. And so trusting that, you know, I said, I actually feel a lot of pressure on our date nights cause I feel like you don’t always want to be here. I feel like you always want to be a little bit somewhere else and when you are in your phone during the date night, it makes me feel like that’s affirming that feeling, that there’s someplace else or something else you have going on that you want to be doing.

When I tell you he looked at me and he looked, the best way I can describe it is like crestfallen. Like his face looked crushed and I like, I feel terry about it thinking about it. He looked shocked and devastated and all this and immediately when I saw that face, I was like, Oh my goodness. Not only is this not how he feels, but he really is like, I can feel it in my body now. Like he is like really hurt that I would think. And then he says in so many words, he says that he’s like. I love being around you, you are my favorite person. Like, what are you even? I can’t believe that’s like, you know, and then he’s like, I am so sorry that that’s how you feel. And then we proceeded to have a whole conversation about what was really going on, right?

The feeling beneath the feeling, which was he works a lot, you know, and he has this career that is, you know, for lack of better words, you know, blowing up like he, you know, is doing really well for himself. He’s selling songs. He’s commercials like this is he’s a producer, you know, and he’s doing really well for himself, but it requires hours in the studio. It requires networking and he also feels additional pressures around, uh, becoming a dad and he’s already a stepdad and he takes that responsibility really seriously. Like he handles pickups and drop offs and breakfast time and managing a family and his work is something that’s new to him. And so when date nights would come about, it’s a priority, but he couldn’t shake the fact that he also is aware that he has to put in hours in the studio and just navigating that balance has been difficult for him.

And I heard. All of that, you know, and I heard all of it with the greatest love and I understood it. And if anything, it meant so much to me. And, you know, we were able to both kind of come to, well, this is what I can commit to, you know, for date night. This is what I can commit to. And we were able to solve the problem.

But when I tell you that disagreement and the solving of that hard, did so much for my fear in marriage, because it was another reminder that forget the person I’m with. I have changed. I am not the same person getting married. Just like, you know, going into my business now and adding my free Fridays, which I talked about last week, you know, where I have that opening in my schedule for wellness and self care to make sure I can sustain, cause I do, you know, high powered work that is really demanding.

I have changed. The same person is not arriving in these new moments. And I want to let all of you know that if you haven’t had the chance or you know to engage in there because I recognize that that’s a privilege It’s really hard work, you know, and it’s expensive and not all of us have that access but you know, we do have access to self help tools and books and I know we spend this time here today. I really want you to explore possibly writing down some ways where you’re able to say to yourself Look who and what have I learned, you know in the previous season I was in, that I can take into my new season.

Meaning as I’m deciding a job, what will I know that won’t work for me that I’ve learned from my previous job? Is it the type of hours? Is it the style of manager? Is it, you know, the location, the commute, the drive? What in my new relationship do I know needs to be different? And I want to let you know that if the only thing you’re writing.

Oh, this is about to be a real moment. Some of y’all right now will be like, Oh, if the only thing you are writing. are a list of things that need to change about the other thing, then that’s even more of a sign that you have more exploratory work to do. Because you can’t change other things. You can change yourself, right? That is like lesson number one about control.

So you’ve got to be able to say to yourself, well, who do I need to be coming into this moment? And have I developed those attributes? And do I feel comfortable? So for me, a big thing that I had to work on in my season of single prior to even engaging in the concept of dating.

So I had this huge window, you know, that I didn’t talk about too, too much, you know, so maybe that’ll be a conversation for another day. But in my season of singleness, I worked really, really hard on boundaries. And I worked really hard on, uh, how that fit in into the shape and design of my life. Um, I struggle with boundaries, struggle, struggle, struggle, struggle, struggled.

And, um, and even now I still feel boundary pangs, meaning I can feel where I would have typically pushed on my boundaries, even though I now have the ability to affirm them. I also have certain people in my life that are better at getting at my boundaries, you know triggers than others, right?

And so it’s learning how to manage all of that but I knew I could not enter another relationship until I learned more about boundaries around people taking too much for me, using, disrespecting, exerting, you know allowing people around me who may not be asking of me but in their behavior are our takers. There’s just a lot that I’ve had to learn about that.

So in all that boundary work, I was better prepared for this relationship. So really going through your list and saying, look, what do I need to work on? And I will tell you, especially for those of you seeking a partner, the minute you start working through that list, I don’t want to overpromise, but I’ll tell you, you’re more likely to find someone because people are attracted to people that they see doing the work.

People that they see exploring, you know the growth points. if you’re someone who’s saying I really want to like part of my season of single was was finding hobbies because it was really important for me that in any union or partnership I was in in the future that my life was not solely consisting of being a wife, being a mom, and being a business owner.

I needed to be something for myself and, and in doing those hobbies and in getting out more, I found my partners, you know, so like listening to live music and. going out. Um, I picked up snowboarding and rollerskating and just, you know, things that I really didn’t do before. And some of you may not know that I do now, you know, but like, you know, in engaging in those activities I met people, which then led to getting out.

So, you know, for, for so many of us that are moms or in sort of second chancers when it comes to, you know, dating in the world, we don’t have hobbies. Our kids are our hobbies. Our lives are hobbies and that’s not really anything that is a hobby. That’s, you know, a job, a duty, a privilege, but you know, it’s not a hobby.

Saying all of that, really explore that list and know that you will get so much comfort from realizing how much growth you’ve done and clarity from really realizing where you need to grow more because the tools to accomplish those areas are available in podcasts, in books, in therapy, in prayer, in getting out and doing that work, and you will have a lot more clarity around when you’re ready to get back out there and your ability to take on a new relationship.

So I say all this to say, I still have a little bit of wedding jitters, you know, um, will everything work out right? Will I buy the right type of shoes that won’t sink into the grass as I walk down the aisle? Will my dress get tangled in his feet during our first dance? Will I fumble my words during our vows? Will we continue to solve things and have the time to talk through and follow our communication process when we have a hard thing on the back end?

Will date nights still happen? I got a lot of questions, you know, but all those things I can’t control, you know, marriage is tough, you know, and life changes and I don’t know what is to come but what I do know is that the person that’s at least here today and the person I’m going to continue to work on in the future is ready to take all those things on. And she’s armed with an arsenal of new, well-earned knowledge from 12 years of a marriage that didn’t work, you know, that can help transform her future. And I’m not the only one. You’re in the same boat too, friend. So get out there and give it a shot. You have everything you need and nothing is missing.

Why I’m scared I will fail in marriage again,
What I’ve done to get past this fear,
How I’m using everything I’ve learned to live boldly, and
A story of a recent fight I had with the Misterfella that reassured me!

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If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Restart Resolutions!

by Nicole Walters | Jan 25, 2024

Restart Resolutions!

Friend we are in the THICK of the new year and it’s time for a check-in. We may just need to restart those resolutions!

In this chat I want to share a 3 point method to evaluate how you’re progressing through your goals this year. You know this method is full of grace so if you’re in a headspace of just surviving, there’s a place for you here!

Together let’s recalibrate the goals we set at the end of 2023 with the reality we’re experiencing in 2024. I’m here to do the work with you!

Let’s continue this conversation over on Instagram @NicoleWalters – let me know where you’re at and what small thing you’re focused on right now.

I am so grateful to have this place to connect with you each week – thanks for being here friend!

Nicole:

Hey y’all, we are thoroughly into the new year and I just want to jump into it. I’m really excited because I’m getting married this year and I keep getting asked in all of my interviews, uh, which if you’ve seen some of the press that I’ve done around Nothing is missing. I’ve been really fortunate. I was on Sherry Shepard. I was on CBS mornings and the number one question that I get asked, Oh, and this week I’m going to be on The Talk on CBS.

So if you have a chance to catch me, I’ll be on The Talk this week. And every time I’m sitting down with these guests, the number one thing they ask me is at the end of the interview, Nicole, what do you have coming up next? What are you looking forward to? And it’s this weird thing that I think so many of us feel pressure around because whether you’re going into that school reunion or you’re seeing that group of moms that you haven’t seen in a while, in LA in particular, you’re expected to kind of have this like paragraph of stuff you’re doing.

Like as if the things you’re doing in the day to day are not enough. Like you have to be like, oh yeah, but I’m looking, you know, I got this project that I’m working on or oh, I’ve got this other thing I’m doing and it’s this really weird feeling.

And I think some of you may relate to it. Some of you don’t fumble to try to find something to fill the gap. And I’m so impressed and proud of you. But for those of you who are either in the industry or feel that pressure, filling that gap is real, where you want to say you’ve got these other things going on for some reason as if you’re expected to just be busy, you know.

And at the top of the year, I’ve had to reconcile, I just got back from Norway and, uh, follow me on Instagram, at Nicole Walters. You can keep up with my, this African is in Scandinavia. What is she doing journeys over there. But, I just got back from Norway and, you know, I’m fully back in the new year and I’m, I felt so much anxiety around answering this question.

And I don’t know if you relate to it, But it’s tough, because here’s my answer. Here is my real life true answer. Nicole, what do you have going on this year? Sure, I’ve got some TV projects in the works. I’m very excited about that. I’ve got some things that I filmed in, in sort of pilot-y form, uh, with Oscar winners that I’m, that are, you know, being discussed right now at major networks.

That is super exciting. Yes, I’ve written this book that is a New York Times bestseller. I could talk about that all day, because it is in your hands. It is incredible. But here’s the truth. Home girl is home. That’s what I’m doing. I am being a mom. I am getting married. I am hoping to grow my family and have a baby. That is what I’m doing this year.

And believe it or not, that’s a lot. Like that’s a whole lot, you know, it’s um, it’s a lot to be a mom, it is a lot to start a new union on the right foot, particularly coming out of one that, you know, has taken so many years to heal from, you know, and honestly, you’re always kind of healing from anything that you have to grieve and mourn.

And then, obviously, getting pregnant, the process of getting pregnant, having another baby, like I probably am going to be the first person in the history of TV to be asked the question, So what new project do you have going on? Cooking a child. That is my project. Okay, that is the thing, keeping the ones I have alive, alive, and then making a new one.

That is the thing I have going on and it feels like a project. And I realize that I have to reconcile that other people’s expectations around my level of busy, around what I have going on, around what they feel are worthy endeavors for my time cannot be measured against what I know is worthy for my time.

And that’s really what I wanted to extend to you is that, you know, we’re officially at the point, statistically, where so many people have fallen off their resolutions. And if it hasn’t happened thus far, you know, we’re on the clock for the next two, three weeks, you know, for this thing to be the case. And as you’re, you know, now saying to yourself, Nicole, where have I been with my goals?

Where have I been with my resolutions? What, what have I really accomplished? Because life has come rushing in, you know, the kids are back to school. I still have responsibilities. You know, I’m not making it to the gym. My eating has fallen off. I, you know, cause those are always people’s top resolutions.

You know, I haven’t been able to put as much time in my business. How are you feeling with that? You know, did you make those resolutions based on what you actually wanted or did you make those resolutions based on what you felt was expected of you in an area of improvement? And I want to extend to you that you have a right to one, give yourself permission to not feel obligated to stick with whatever it was that 2023 you thought you had to be.

Like you’re allowed to change. You know, you’re allowed to evolve, especially once you got in and you realized life was giving you something different. Like maybe the kids, for instance, uh, the puffin. Recently signed up for cheerleading and this is her first, uh, regular school activity because she’s in sixth grade.

So, you know, middle school is the beginning of where as a parent you start losing your time and becoming a chauffeur. You’re just driving them from activity to activity, friend date to friend date, you know, whatever. And so she signed up for cheerleading and this was not on the bingo card for 2024. I had no idea that I was now going to have to make room for cheer practices and football.

I mean, she literally came home and was like, mom, I signed up for cheerleading. This is happening. So we’ve got fittings, we’ve got activities, we’ve got late practices and all these things are bleeding into scheduling things that I thought I would have. And I know what I’m saying right now is reaching in a place where you’re like, girl, yes.

Right? Can we just take a pause to be like, listen, Nicole, you’re right. 2023 me thought I would be able to do this, this, and the next. And 2024 me is realizing it’s not giving what I thought it was going to give. Right? I want you to take a moment right now to pause, breathe in, breathe out, and just give yourself a heaping dose of grace for recognizing that you may have to make some shifts.

And for me, one of the biggest shifts is just letting go of that expectation that I was going to be this crazy rock star running into the year. That’s okay, but we still have things we need to accomplish. So like I said this year, you know, I’m getting married and I’m super excited about it. And I’m actually going to talk about this more next week.

So make sure that you, um, if you don’t already subscribe and download this regularly, I do not want you to miss next week’s episode. Um, I’ve been dealing with, um, a few emotions around getting remarried and so many people have asked me about sort of that journey. How did you start falling in love again, like feeling open to love, uh, knowing that you wanted to recommit to marriage, uh, you know, dating, and then eventually the actual marriage.

And as this, you know, day is approaching, I am Dealing with a lot of different feelings around that but I’m going to unpack that in an entire episode next week just kind of keep you on that journey if it’s something that you wonder if it makes sense for you or You know, if you’re someone who’s ever wondering what’s it like to jump back into something whether it’s the work world a career a new friendship, whatever this really applies It’s around choosing your hard because life is filled with hard and and I talk about it in the book in many different ways but I’m gonna talk about it in relation to new relationships next week.

So tune into that but With all these new endeavors that are very big and life altering coming up. I Absolutely have to grant myself some more ease, you know, and I just want to extend that to you as well. So here’s a couple things that I’m doing to sort of recalibrate and reset my expectations and I want to give this system to you in a simple three point method because I found that it’s really, really transformative in allowing me to restart my goals, recalibrate my goals, and, and hopefully actually achieve them, you know, within 2024.

So the first thing is obviously grace and ease if you haven’t hit where you want it to be. It’s okay. You’re not perfect. Neither am I. And believe it or not, statistically, we’re all the same. It is time for us to look back on it. But even better, statistically, you are different now because so many of us do not take time to acknowledge this.

We just let the goals fall off. We get six, seven months into the year. We realize we aren’t doing what we wanted to do and that is that. So the fact that we’ve been taking this time right now, you’re already ahead of the game.

The next thing is, I want you to carefully assess where you actually are this year. What is your year giving? Does it look like the kids are in more activities than you thought? Does it look like you, you know, going to the gym sounded like something that was great, but waking up at 5 am ain’t it? You know, does it look like I thought I would get in an extra 30 minutes of side hustle time every day after school? But I realized I have a preteen who comes in every day after school amped up and It takes me an hour and a half to get her wind wound down. That’s a real thing and you did not anticipate it, but life is giving that.

So I really want you to look at what your life actually looks like. So many of us when we’re goal planning in the year prior, we fantasize about what we think we can be without really experiencing the reality of it. So now that you’re in the reality of it, I would love for you to look and say what is my year giving without any critique, without any judgment, just what is actually happening, right?

What do I actually See, am I a caregiver? What is happening? And just really make some notes of what your day actually looks like and then and this is the biggie that has really helped me. Pick one or two things. Instead of thinking that you’re gonna do this major overhaul for your life. Oh, I’m gonna lose a hundred pounds. Oh, I’m gonna make a million dollars Oh, I’m going to do instead of this big major overhaul pick one or two simple things right down to I’m not kidding y’all for me it was researching fertility options It was so easy for me to say, make a whole baby. That is a general goal, but gosh, if the one thing I do this year is get in and get my numbers and figure out my fertility options and, and make some decisions around that, that is tremendous for my well being.

What that will do to advance me and move me forward is huge. And that’s what I mean when I say pick one little thing that if you were to look back in 2025 and say, I’m so glad I started that. I’m so glad I had that information. That was a step in the right direction. That was different from the year prior and just make moves around that instead of trying to be this big overhaul because it just isn’t realistic and honestly it’s why we get into this place where we start feeling like we’re losing accountability or like we’re not hitting where we’re supposed to be or uh honestly we start feeling a little bit of shame or grief or remorse or guilt and that just keeps us even further from our goals.

So simple three point method. Grant yourself some grace. It’s always a good place to start. Look at where you actually are, the reality not the fantasy and then really start picking out some singular small goals That you can apply that’ll move you forward in a meaningful way. Now Those are the three things you can do by yourself but the last one is to pick a safe person to share it with. Someone who you think might be on that journey or interested in supporting those goals or may be able to do them with you now I have a really good friend that I’ve made recently, uh, here in LA and I say recently, but it’s been a couple months, but, um, we became fast friends because she is so, we have a lot in common, just in terms of our backgrounds, we’re both, um, you know, children of immigrants and we both are hard workers who’ve come from nothing and support our musician fellas and just are moms and we just have a lot of similar and shared values around how we approach the world in a loving, caring, servant driven way. Um, and we like that to be seen and not just how we treat people, but also in the work that we do. And I just, I love her to pieces and I’m so grateful she’s in my life but what’s awesome is she’s also my friend who has free Fridays.

And let me tell you about what free Fridays are. So in my business, it has always been a goal for me to be able to take off my Fridays. You’ve heard me talk about it before and part of why I hit burnout, if you’ve read my book, you know, where literally my body started breaking down, uh, was because I was working. Gosh, six, seven days a week. So there were some months where I wasn’t even taking weekends and I’m proud to say that I’ve been able to really embrace my free Fridays where I have a day that I call my runoff, catch all day.

It’s my day for wellness. It’s my day for doctor’s appointments. It’s my day to do charity work. It’s my day to schedule meetings or whatever. It’s just a day where I do not allow myself to be scheduled to capacity so I have room to put things and if it’s open I can use it for myself. And I just encourage all of you, if you can’t get a free Friday, give yourself a free 30, you know, give yourself a free hour, you know, whatever it is trying to fit in time where you’re able to say, look, I know I always have this window on Thursday, that’s open for whatever’s important.

So she also does free Fridays and having a friend that I can share my goals with for the year, um, particularly around things like, I need to make that fertility appointment, or I’d really like to take up hot yoga, or, um, I want to do pottery, you know. We’re both kind of in this together, and it’s really been special because, one, it also ties in with my goal of focusing on my relationships.

This year making them even more intentional because you know, it was a and I can talk more about this in a different episode but it was a particular prayer that I had this year about what really matters and it’s not growing my business it’s growing my family, growing my relationships, growing the people that are around me and in doing that, everything else will flourish as well.

So, uh, knowing that I have this friendship every Friday that I get to touch base on and with intentionality cause it’s not easy. Like, we are both sort of giving up our Fridays because we’re committing to spend time with each other, but we see the value in return of that. But we’re spending those Fridays holding each other accountable to do activity, to engage in wellness, to explore new hobbies like pottery or roller skating or hiking or surf lessons or whatever, you know, and at the same time, challenge each other to pursue the things that matter.

So, you know, where I may be giving her a little push around, you know, a business venture, um, or support or advice there, you know, she’s giving me a push around family things or support and advice, you know, for showing up as a musician’s wife, you know? And, um, It just is a real blessing. So I encourage you as sort of your final point as you pick these little milestone goals to get an accountabilibuddy, you know, someone that you know in your life, maybe pursuing something a little different. You don’t have to do it with them, but someone where you have established a regular check in where you’re able to say, look, going into this year, I thought I would tackle this thing alone. I’ve kind of smallerized my goal and made it a little tinier, but I’d like to establish regular check-ins to make sure that I’m able to hit this goal or at least make movement towards this goal.

And friend, I have to tell you with all of it, and this is really important I think for some of you to hear, we all absorbed the goal setting conversations at the end of the year. We all bought the planners, we all got the, you know, organizational things, and not too many people are still talking about it at the tail end of, you know, January which is why I always try to be your friend who’s buzzing in your ear about something that you may not be hearing elsewhere to kind of keep you in the game. But I also want to let you know as just sort of a final note if this past year has been one where it’s really taken it out of you, and I say this coming out of divorce and knowing that if you’d asked me about my 2021, in my early 2022, I would not have wanted to hear anybody’s narrative around goal setting.

I just want to be really transparent. You can go back and listen to those episodes. Those chats that we had back then, you can read the book and know what I mean by that. And some of you are living it right now. I know for a fact that some of you are hearing these steps. And because you are doers, right?

You’re like, okay, well maybe this will help me make progress. If you have gone through something particularly trying in this past year. I don’t know why I feel a little choked up about it. Maybe because like I really, the heart and the compassion I have for those of you that are simply celebrating having survived and thriving feels so far away, I want you to know that you can take note of these things. But I want you to know that if just getting by and just surviving and just making it this year is the goal kind of like just me trying to become a mom again and getting married, you know again full circle in this conversation I don’t want you to feel like that’s not enough.

So this year may not be about a big, huge, forward moving, drastically different leap. This year may be about getting good, feeling healthy, restoration, and I want you to know wholeheartedly that that is enough. That is completely and entirely enough. I’m proud of you for making it, and I’m proud of you for making it, and I want you to know that that’s enough for 2024.

So, friend, we are in it. We are in the thick of it all and I would love to hear more about where you are in your goal setting, including if you’re like, girl, I have fallen off. Do you know the quantity of cheese I’m eating daily. Like listen, hit me up on Instagram and the DMs. I love hearing from you. I posted this on social, a little snippet get into the Into the comments on Instagram and let’s chat through and as always I am here, I am in your corner.

If I’m in your town for a book signing event, please come see me. Give me a hug I want to hear from you. I want to do this journey with you and more than anything I’m grateful that here is one place every single week where we get to do life together.

So make sure you tune in next week. I’m gonna be sharing some pretty big things, you know about this upcoming wedding and about remarriage and about love and about trying again, but doing it boldly. And I can’t wait to do these things boldly with you. I’ll see you then.

Why so many of us need to recalibrate our goals (already!),
The 3 point method I’m using to make progress this year,
How to know if the goals you set are the right ones, still and
What to do to restart your resolutions

Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
Send me a DM on Instagram and Facebook!
Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
Don’t miss our recent episode (one of the all-time favorites from Season 1!) about the power of girlfriends – Listen HERE!
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When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Best of Season 1: You needed this YESTERDAY!

by Nicole Walters | Jan 16, 2024

Best of Season 1: You Needed This YESTERDAY!

Friend, this is the FIRST chat we ever had about asking for help and it’s an all-time favorite. If you’re like me, you have a hard time asking for help. And maybe, just maybe, you feel like you’re better on your own or at least being the one taking care of others.

Well I’m about to turn that upside down for you. There is a spot in your heart that your family can’t fill, that you can’t fill. In this episode I’m telling you what action you need to take today to fill this important role.

Friend have you asked for help yet this year? Let me know over on Instagram at @NicoleWalters.

Nicole:

Hey friend! I am so excited for us to chat in this particular talk because this one’s a little different from the rest. I’m not gonna lie to you, I had something entirely different planned to talk about but I travel everywhere with my simple podcast gear. It’s a microphone and my iPhone using voice memos. So, no, it’s not the fanciest sounding audio but it’s real and it allows me to come to you with the things that I know matter when they matter. Today, I am chatting with you guys from Cartagena, Colombia. I’m actually in town for a beautiful wedding, probably one of the most beautiful weddings I’ve ever been to. And, that’s why you’re probably hearing in the background music and dancing; all the sounds of Colombia. So please excuse it if it’s distracting – but I hope that it adds some color to the conversation we’re gonna have today. It’s about what’s happening to me here. It’s about a realization that I dawned upon. It’s something that I feel will impact you in a way that will cause you to think, become more introspective, and of course, be more intentional about your relationships. I wanted to not waste a moment, I didn’t wanna wait til I got back home for you guys to hear what you needed to know. So, lean in, friend, because we’re gonna have a chat.

Now, it feels weird for me to say this but it is my truth, and above all else, I never thought I’d be this type of person. Girl, I have girlfriends. I know! I never ever thought I’d be the person to say that but, I do! I’ve got the Sex And The City thing, I’ve got the little pack that you get to roll with. I’ve got my go-to friends in a group text that I can chat with at any time. Jen, Jada, Nikki, Erica – if you hear this, this episode’s about you.

Now I want you guys to understand that I never ever thought – for the reasons that most of us thought – that I would be a girl who had girlfriends. I was a lone soldier and I didn’t need anybody, right? I mean, heck, there’s a million reasons why I don’t need friends. I’ve got a family, I’ve got a husband. I don’t have the time, but in reality, it wasn’t about those things. The reason why I thought I didn’t need friends, good girlfriends, is because I didn’t trust people. I had fear and I definitely didn’t know if I was worth it. I didn’t need them because I thought that they didn’t want me. And I don’t know where or when it happens to most of us, but we get to this point in our life, I don’t know if it’s late high school or after college, but we get to this place where it becomes really difficult to make new friends.

I always joke there’s kind of the after 30 mark, like what are you doing? You know, life is so busy, so full. Am I going to go to another woman and just say like, “Hey, let’s go out to dinner.” You know, it’s awkward, right? But the reality is the same people that we were when we were younger. When we’d come home and we’re like, we’re friends with everyone in our class, or we’re always seeking out a new best friend or in college where we always seem to roll as a pack and never go to the bathroom alone. We haven’t changed from that person. We just started neglecting the fact that we still have the same needs and deprioritizing them. The reality is the role of having girlfriends fills a very important part in who you are and what you’re trying to become. My girls are the ones that I go to when I want to complain about my husband. They’re also the ones I go to when I want to celebrate him. My girlfriends are the ones who put things into context for me, all of them. They remind me that there’s good that comes with bad. They call me out. They challenge me and they love me hard. My girlfriend is the ones that keep me pointed towards God. They hold my values and my priorities above anything else and always remind me of who I am and where I want to go.

My girlfriends are the ones that relate whenever my kids are doing something crazy and they’re also the ones that hold me accountable if I’m doing something crazy. They’re the ones that clean up my battle wounds and send me back to fight. They’re the ones that’ll come up behind me and fight with me if needed. I can’t believe that in my mid thirties I finally found my people. I found my home and I’m holding on tight. My squad, my group of girlfriends, I’m so grateful to them because they pursued me. If you asked them, they’ll tell you, “oh, Nicole, we decided that we were going to be friends long before you even knew.” They’d already had a friendship and they said they needed to round out their group and they knew that I was the person to be part of it and Gosh, you know what? I’m so grateful that they did because they stayed in my inbox. They were intentional about wanting that friendship. They chased after me. They literally said, “Hey Nicole, we want you to be part of this. We’re making space for you and whatever’s required, we’re here for you.”

Now, I know that a lot of you guys right now are like, well, how will I even find that? Right? How will I be in a position where I’m going to have people who are going to pursue me? That’s crazy, right? Understand that it wasn’t over the top. It was a situation where they just decided and they were intentional, so it including me. It meant inviting me to places, places to go, things to do. But understand this… For a lot of you where you’re saying to yourself, how am I going to find this? Some of you already have it. What’s happening is you’re rejecting these friendships. You’re saying, “no.” You’re not making yourself available. You’re not stepping into what’s being provided for you for whatever reason, trust, fear, time, worth, whatever it is. You got to stop turning away from what God has for you because these people will fill a gap, a place in your heart that you probably didn’t even know existed. So, I want to bring you back to Colombia. I’m here in town for this wedding and it is gorgeous. I mean, I have never walked the streets of Cartagena before, but it is like a mixture of New Orleans and Europe, Spain and true South American flare.It is absolutely stunning.

If you haven’t gotten out of here before, definitely put it on your list because it is beautiful and while I’m here, I’m doing the thing that I do. Eating street food, talking to locals, hanging out, spending time with everyone who’s around and that’s all good and great until you get food poisoning. Yup, that’s right. I’m recording this from bed right now with the most rumbly stomach, the worst headache, achy joints. I am in bad shape, but get this. Just a couple hours ago I was even worse shape. I was crumpled up on a ball on my bathroom floor knowing that I couldn’t make it back to bed and run back again another time. Moms, I’m going to be a little graphic here because frankly you understand this, we become, totally immune to poo conversation. But guys, it was coming out of all ends. I was not feeling well, queasy… everything. And what happened was, that all I could do was grab my phone. It was close to midnight and send a text message to my girlfriends.

I sent them a message and I said, “girls, I’m in a bind because I’m in town for a friend’s wedding and I feel guilty that I’m not going to be able to go. I don’t know if I’m going to recover by morning and I don’t want to miss the service.” And my girlfriends – being the amazing women they are. The first one they did was tell me, ‘hey, protect the asset.’ Right? I love Jen. Jen’s like protect the asset and the asset is me, right? I’m responsible for a lot of people. I’m responsible to show up and that means that I have to put my health and wellness first. So they reminded me that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that I wanted to make sure I was okay. And then after that they said, ‘get some rest, see how you feel, and then check back in the morning.’ Well, it wasn’t too long… just a couple of hours where I’m sending out another mayday message. I’m like, you know what guys? My room phone isn’t working and I’m nervous about whether or not I’m going to be able to get some meds. I think this is more serious. I didn’t even know what to ask. I didn’t even know how to make myself vulnerable in front of them. Let me be honest here. If you’re anything like me, friend, you probably have a hard time asking for help. You have a hard time humbling yourself to say, I can’t do this by myself. If anything, you may even say to yourself, I don’t want to be a bother and I don’t deserve it, but the reality is I needed help.

So I told them, I said, ‘hey, my room phones not working and if possible, could one of you guys help me?’ I can’t tell you the mix of emotions that went on inside me there. It takes a lot whenever you’re the person who runs things to be able to say, I’m at loss and I don’t even know what I need. I can’t even articulate how you can help me, but please do. Now, I want to tell you the power of girl friends by illustrating what happened in the next 20 minutes. In just 20 minutes, my phone rang. It was the front desk at the lobby, in broken English. He said to me, your friend called from the United States. She said that you’re not feeling well. I’m sending a doctor to your room and some supplies.

When I tell you, and I’m trying not to get choked up about it now, but when I tell you that tears started rolling from my eyes. I’ve never felt so loved and cared for. And within 20 minutes a doctor was at my room with crackers, Ginger Ale, meds and within two hours of resting and caring for myself, protecting the asset, I was on the mend.

Even from a distance, my friends, my girlfriends managed to pick me up from the bathroom floor and tuck me into bed. And this is the power of strong female friendships. They pick you up when you’re at your worst. They go out of their way to think of you. They make sure that you are strong. Now, here’s the lesson from all this because I know that for some of you guys, it sounds so far-fetched. It sounds so impossible. It sounds so difficult. It’s how am I going to get someone to pursue me and I don’t even know people that I trust like that. Well, the reality is they don’t show up overnight. The first thing you have to do is admit that you need them, to say that there’s someone that you need to stand in your gap, right? It can’t always be just your husband or just your kids. It can’t always be just you. I had to say to myself that I deserved positive female friendships; that I needed women who have shared similar experiences to lean on, to be able to challenge me, to be able to hold me accountable, to be able to keep me pointed towards my goals, to help me be my best self, and that’s exactly what these women do for me every single day. I needed the group chat. I needed a place to vent and I needed a place to cry.

Now I know that being hurt in the past through these relationships makes it so difficult. I know what it’s like to have the fear that none of these things will ever work out. I know how challenging it is to make time. Most importantly, if you say to yourself that you’re worth it, you’ll find that those other things become not so challenging. I had to allow myself to say that I was going to be all in on this friendship, that I was willing to allow myself to be hurt again because here’s what happens. If you say to yourself, you’re going to be vulnerable; if you say you’re going to live and tell and breathe and be your whole truth, well, it gives them – your new girlfriend the permission to be theirs.

I knew that if I could live in my truth and tell these women my truth, that I would receive it back and it was in this moment where I leaned on them where I said I need help, and they showed up. They managed to pick me up off the floor from miles away. It was in that moment that I was healed. I’m so grateful for them now I want to tell you that you deserve and can achieve friendship. You’re probably already experiencing it. If it’s the woman who takes a couple extra minutes to chat with you while you’re waiting for your frappuccino every morning or the coworker where you guys spend hours just gabbing and griping about your boss, or if it’s that insta friend where you guys are always going back and forth in the dms, but you never really meet in person.

True friendship starts with intentionality. You have to intentionally pursue them and that’s what Nikki did for me. In my group of girlfriends she’s the one who decided Nicole is going to be our friend whether she likes it or not, and she started inviting me places. She started making space for me and I know you guys are saying to yourself now, oh yeah, well making space for me, who’s doing that? I’m not getting invites. Think about this. You probably are, but you’re saying no or you’re putting off the energy that the answer is going to be no before they even show up. Against my better judgment, against what was my norm when Nikki said, ‘hey Nicole, can you come out to Hawaii? A bunch of us are getting together.’ I said, yeah, I’ll make the time for this, I’ll see what happens and I’m not going to lie to you. I wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into, but I’m so glad I did. While we out there, we all looked at each other and we said with intentionality, we want to do life together.

We don’t want to be in this thing by ourselves, that we care about our friendship and value our friendship and we want it to be honest with ourselves and with each other, and it was in that moment that everything changed. There was an emptiness that I felt that I didn’t know that I had and these girls help to fill it. I was so grateful and I still am because fast forward to this beautiful wedding and Colombia where I’m sick because I had to try the street food and it was those same girlfriends that picked me up when I have a bad day, that picked me up when the business seems like it’s not doing so great, that pick me up when the kids are driving me crazy or my husband sets me off… those same girls managed to pick me up off that bathroom floor and tuck me into bed with exactly what I needed. I want to tell you that you deserve this, that you deserve to like God to provide you with everything you need abundantly and exceedingly. I want you to know that you have prayed for this. You vocalize this. You’ve said, I need help with my business. I need support with my kids. I need someone who can help me understand what’s happening in my marriage or with my husband.

You’ve said out loud that this is something you need. You’ve been seeking answers and I’m telling you those answers may be in the form of friendship. But it starts with you. It starts with you living your truth. It starts with you saying, I’m willing to put myself out there because guess what? Let’s say it doesn’t work out. Let’s say the friendship doesn’t hold true. It wouldn’t be the first time, right? You still made it back. And I want to tell you that this cause, your needs, your desire and the love that you have to give because you know that you have it is worthy. Get back out there.

Ask that coworker say awkwardly, ‘Hey, I know that we hang out a lot for lunch, but I was wondering if you wanted to like catch a movie. My husband doesn’t want to see it, it’s a romcom and the kids are driving me crazy and I’d love an excuse for us to just get out. If you’re interested, do you want to grab some like mani pedis and a cocktail?’ See what they say! What’s the worst that could happen? Because I can tell you that the best that can happen is that they are an answered prayer. Now, before you get yourself out there, before you say to yourself that this is something you’re going to do, I want to tell you that there’s work that we have to do at ourselves. I know that society has fed us a lot of things, that has told us a lot of things about who we are and what we’re capable of, and it’s those very beliefs that have caused us to feel like we don’t need friendships and feel like they’re not even possible.

Well, I want to tell you that’s not true. If I can do it, you can too. And positive friendships are out there. You’re one of them. I’m one of them. We’re all waiting for someone to love us. I want you to know that if you can get past this thing, this thing that I’m going to talk to you about in our next chat that they will find you. Before I let you go from our chat, I just want to do a little shout out to all the good girlfriends out there. To all the women out there who show up, who keep at it, who lift each other. You’re one of them, and I can proudly say that I’m one of them. And I want to say I love you Jen, Nikki, Jada, Erica.. thank you for being my friend. Thanks so much for listening, friend. If you enjoyed this podcast, head over to NicoleWalters.com. I’d love for us to stay in touch, so make sure you drop your email address so I can send inspiration, business details and the occasional funny story. And, because I’m so generous, there might even be a selfie in the mix! Thanks again. Make sure you subscribe and come back soon.<>/div

Why opening yourself up to friends is essential,
How I slowly learned to ask for help,
Why I never thought I’d have girlfriends, and
What you can do to grow your circle as an adult

Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
Send me a DM on Instagram and Facebook!
Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
Don’t miss our recent chat about DRAMA to discover if you’re addicted to it (and maybe learn something new about me) – Listen HERE or Watch HERE!
I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Best of Season 1: You are Not Kim Kardashian

by Nicole Walters | Jan 14, 2024

Best of Season 1: You are Not Kim Kardashian

Friend, this chat is an all-time favorite! Why? Because in this group, we know what it means to show up and work!

Unlike Kim Kardashian, we aren’t going to get paid for our looks. We’ve got a lot to offer and we need to come ready to work. In this episode, I share a story of how I built a mutually beneficial relationship with a big brand by showing up and doing the WORK.

This chat is about how YOU can set yourself apart in business. Friend, this is living boldly! Let’s keep this conversation going over on Instagram! Drop into my DMs at @NicoleWalters.

Nicole:

Hey friend, you’d never believe it. I had been building up to this day for weeks. I had the opportunity as a brand new blogger to attend this pretty huge event. They were expecting over 3000 attendees and every single major brand in my industry was going to be present. I knew that being at this event could be transformative. I had the opportunity to meet the heads of every single industry, all the major bloggers were going to be there, so there was an opportunity to collaborate and there were going to be panels, keynotes, and celebrities. I could get content for weeks and possibly secure some major money that, maybe just maybe, would allow me to turn my blogging thing into a full-time job. I was ready. Now, I spent time with the husband building out a binder with every single major blogger’s name in there, so that I knew what was going on with them, their business and their brands. I also took a list of every single brand that was going to be there, their head associates, and did my research so that I knew going into it, what to talk to them about. I coordinated because I was a blogger, my outfits, my hair, my makeup, and I was so excited to show up at this event because I really knew that this might be the thing that tips the scale and really you launches things to where they need to be.

So I showed up that day and I was ready. I had a plan of attack. I knew all the different booths that I was going to hit and I knew exactly who I needed to shake hands with. I walked in with the husband at my side, God bless him, taking photos of me and snapping things as well as taking some video to document things as they went. I was new to the whole blogging thing and I had been working my nine to five job, but I was excited to spend that Friday through Sunday working on what I loved. Which was sharing my solution, sharing my answers, and building a little side hustle that I knew mattered.

So I went over fully prepared to chat with some brand ideas and partnership opportunities. I mean I knew that this was going to be something and while I was there they mentioned that they were having a panel that afternoon. They were going to be having a discussion about their different products and different offerings, hairstyles and then an open Q and A. And all I could think was, Gosh, how could I have not gotten on this panel? I wish I knew something about it earlier. Not only would it have been great visibility for my brand, but what an opportunity to show this company, how into their stuff I was, and how great of a representative I’d be.

Well, I made my intentions known. I said to them, you know what? I really would have loved to have been on this panel and I recognize that I’m a little late to the game on getting signed up, but what I would absolutely love is if you kept me in mind next time and if you need any help today at all, whether it’s picking up boxes or packing up, or maybe a last-minute interview guest or someone to host, I’d be more than happy to step in and just let me know. I’ll stay close. They looked at me and they were kind of surprised. I guess typically people have a tendency to not humble themselves enough to say, Hey, I’ll pitch in where I can and I could tell that it was probably a little refreshing for them to hear that. And they said, well, you know what Nicole, we appreciate that. We will absolutely keep you in mind, but we’re all full for today. And that was okay with me. I had no problem but I was still going to stay close. So I hung out a bit. I wait until a little bit before this was about to go on the panel and all of a sudden I see a look in the vice president of the company’s eyes. Something was definitely wrong. She starts scanning the room and she spots me. She runs over and she says, Hey Nicole! Actually, would you mind filling it on the panel? We actually have a free spot. Someone didn’t show up. I looked up, I said, a little thank you God in my head and then I looked at her and said, no problem. I gotcha. She said, thanks so much, and I got out there. Guys, I rocked that panel. It was awesome. People were laughing, hubbin was walking through the aisles handing out my business cards and it was a great time.

From then on I built an ongoing relationship with that brand and even to this day we still stay in touch with opportunities if they need any client help, you name it, I’m there for them. But let me tell you how that’s pocket open on the panel and it wasn’t just because I’m heavily favored. Amen. It was also because one of the bloggers that didn’t show up, well, she thought she was Kim Kardashian.

And that’s what this episode is about. You are not Kim Kardashian. This is one of the things that people forget in this space because of Insta fame. Just because you have a ton of followers, just because you have a lot of notoriety, just because you have visibility or who your friends are or what celebrities you hang out with, does not mean that you can not show up, not do the work, not be professional and still get paid. You are not Kim Kardashian. You will not get paid for your looks. You’re not going to get paid just for standing in the room. You have to do something. You have to be professional. You have to show up.

Here’s what happened. That blogger was contracted to show up on site, but she decided she just didn’t want to come. She had something else she wanted to do. The opportunity didn’t interest her enough, and maybe she didn’t feel wedded enough to the brand. I don’t know what was going through her mind that morning, but what I do know was that it was incredibly unprofessional. So she decided to not show at all and she no-showed, no call, and guess who got to step into that role because I was a consummate professional because they knew they could trust me and guess who built an ongoing relationship. Yeah, me. And that can also be you as long as you understand that in this business world if you’re wondering how can I differentiate myself, how can I stand out? Because there are a million people doing what I do. There are a million people in the industry I want to be in. There are so many people out there who are already successful. How can I get famous through all the noise? Well, guess what? Your business professionalism, your work ethic can be your differentiator.

I know as well as you do that if you’re passionate about what you have to offer to this world, whether it is being a terrific mom or whether it is stepping out there and being a great speaker or having a terrific product. That you’re able to stand out because of how much you care about what’s given. Let’s be honest, the money’s nice. It’s great when you get paid to serve in your purpose, but at the end of the day, if you’re truly doing what you love, you would do it for free. You care about the results. You care about helping people. You care about making an impact. That’s why you show up every single day and because of that, if you couple that same care and deep connection to what you’re doing with professionalism, business skills, knowing how to respond to an email and do things on time, knowing how to say what you’re going to do and actually do it.

Knowing how to act with integrity and couple that with a little bit of old school things like picking up the phone to follow up with a client, and checking in with them to see how they like the service that you provided. If you do these things, you will stand out and you’re going to differentiate yourself. There’s something that’s going on with social media, and I dunno if you’ve seen it too, but it’s starting to bug me because it really isn’t how things work in corporate America.

There’s something that’s happening where if you go on the Internet and you just post a bunch of pictures of yourself, selfies or butt shots at the gym, or pictures of you with nice things like Lamborghinis and fancy handbags, designer clothes or, or expensive shoes, shopping trips and pictures, you know, and in crazy locales that all of a sudden people are gonna think you made it and that you’re worthy to spend money with. Well, guess what your worth does not reside in stuff. And the truth is people with real money and real purpose, are not spending it on stuff. When I scroll down people’s Instagram pages and I see nothing but designer labels and fancy pants things, all I could think is that’s money that’s not sitting in their bank account. People who truly have commas are humble. They shop at Target, they-they save, sometimes they thrift, occasionally they mend a pair of socks because, why throw away a good pair of socks. Right?

And I mean the reality is there’s nothing wrong with treating yourself to nice things. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the fruits of your labor. But if that becomes all that you are, to the point where you start believing that these things are worth more than the service that you offer, it’s going to show in your work and people aren’t going to want to work with you. You have to remember that whatever got you here isn’t going to get you there. So that does mean that you have to uplevel and bring new skills to the game.

You have to constantly learn, constantly evolving, constantly growing. And there’s nothing wrong with, you know, treating yourself and getting a little fancier while you do it. But also remember that the things that you did that got you here, are some of the things that you’re going to need to keep doing no matter where you go. If you find yourself confused about what’s working and you feel like you need to revamp and start a new in order to get ahead, well, I’m going to advise you to say, hey, sometimes it’s about taking it back to the basics. One of the things that was always very successful for me and my business was making myself accessible. I run all of my own social media and it’s not uncommon for me to get into my inbox, kick customer service out and answer emails myself. It wasn’t weird in my early stages for me to pick up the phone and call my students. It didn’t matter if I had 1 or 1000.

I was picking up the phone and calling them up and saying, hey, how’s it going? This is actually Nicole and I want to know how you’re doing, and the reason why I did that is that we’re in the business of people. I care about people and you should too. As a matter of fact, I bet you do. We wouldn’t be best friends, Internet, podcast style if you weren’t kind of like me if you weren’t about being and doing, and serving and giving something more and so that’s why I want to caution you and use that story as a cautionary tale to understand that, listen, we’re never going to get paid for just showing up. We have to make sure that we are truly connected with serving people with excellence, right? Top notch service. You want to do the work but you want to do it well and you want people to trust you. You want to have integrity. You want to make sure that when you leave the room, all they remember is how awesome you were when you showed up and how awesomely you served.

So instead of worrying about, oh my gosh, how am I going to stand out? Is the thing that I offer good enough? Just make sure that what you do offer you do well, that you get better at the work that you do, that you focus on trying to grow every single day. If you do your work with excellence, you will never be in a position where people are going to say, Hey, I’m going to go with the next girl. Now, if there is nothing that you remember, there’s nothing else you take from this podcast. The one thing that I want you to remember, and this one’s easy, you are not Kim Kardashian girl. You gotta do the work. You gotta show up. You gotta show out, you gotta slay and you gotta deliver. All that sounds good and great. We’ve talked about doing the work, right? We’ve talked about how we have to keep it all together and make sure that we are always showing up, right? All these things matter, but what if we’re doing the work and things are getting out of hand? I know that it’s very easy when you’re passionate about something to spend all day doing it, getting lost in the moment, and that can have some really serious effects on your life. I’m guilty of it.

As a matter of fact, I had a huge moment happen with my kids that changed everything. It changed how I did business. It changed how I looked at the world. It changed how I interacted with my students. It changed who I was, and I can’t wait to tell you all about it In our next episode because this thing will change everything for you.

Thanks so much for listening, friend. If you enjoyed this podcast, head over to www.NicoleWalters.com. I’d love for us to stay in touch, so make sure you drop your email address so I can send you inspiration, business details, and the occasional funny story and because I’m so generous, there might even be a selfie in the next. Thanks again. Make sure you subscribe and come back soon.

The difference between each of us and Kim Kardashian,
How to set yourself apart in a saturated industry,
What I did early on to get opportunities,
Why being good at what you do just isn’t enough, and
What it looks like to show up and do the work

Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
Send me a DM on Instagram and Facebook!
Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
Don’t miss our recent chat about DRAMA to discover if you’re addicted to it (and maybe learn something new about me) – Listen HERE or Watch HERE!
I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

You Like DRAMA!

by Nicole Walters | Jan 2, 2024

You Like DRAMA!

Do you LIKE drama? Most of us would say no, BUT Dr. Scott Lyons is here to break down why we actually might be addicted to drama (and stress!) As the expert on drama addiction, Dr. Scott is about to blow your mind!

Dr. Scott shares how we can become addicted to stress and drama as a response to trauma and what we can do to slowly break the cycle. Friend, if you’re anything like me, this is going to open your eyes WIDE!

Finding peace is possible and the tips Dr. Scott shares in this chat can lead you there. Friend, this chat IS A MUST!

Let’s keep this conversation going over on Instagram! Find Dr. Scott at @DrScottLyons and myself at @NicoleWalters.

Nicole:

Hey, friends. So I am really thrilled with the way that you’ve been responding to season four of our chats because as I promised, we’re gonna get even more unfiltered, even more frank, because it’s about living boldly. And you also know that I promised that I would not bring anyone into our conversations, our growth, that I did not think was going to contribute to that have value beyond the time that you’ll spend listening. And was very qualified. And I have been blown away by the responses to, you know, me sharing about entitlement and how that, you know, triggers us and, you know, some of the therapy resources I’ve engaged in, like EMDR, and talk therapy, and then also exercising and practicing what I’m learning in therapy by changing my boundaries, changing my habits, affirming my boundaries, and you guys are doing it too. So it’s been really fun chatting about that in the DMs. And so for that reason, I felt like, let’s keep doing the hard work. Right, we’ll keep doing it together. And I want to introduce you to one of my favorite resources for learning, right? Because we have to know what it is and name it to fix it right.

And then also, one of my favorite sort of, I want to call it accessible, approachable, relatable ways to talk about therapy, particularly if you have some stigma associated to it, or if it’s something you’re not used to. And Dr. Scott Lyons is all that. Now don’t like the doctor part scare you. You heard me say accessible and real. He is a regular person, a kind human, who is smart and qualified, but my goodness, just like us, and I’m just so excited to have him here today to teach us more about how stress and trauma isn’t just something that happens to us, it can really become a part of us because we become addicted to it. And I mean, you guys probably know my background, you know that. It’s been something I’ve had to break. And I’m hoping I can help you break those chains, too. So Dr. Scott, thank you for being here.

Dr. Scott:

Thank you, my love.

Nicole:

Thank you. I am so grateful to have let me just say I’m grateful to have you as a human in this world interested in doing this work.

Dr. Scott:

Thank you.

Nicole:

I say thank you. No, it’s because I don’t want to. <laughs> I would never want to do research trauma, and try to come up with coping mechanisms and like listen to people talk, I just, I could not. Why are you like this?

Dr. Scott:
Who hurt me? <laughs>

Nicole:

Who hurt you? Who hurt you? Like we need to light candles. Who hurt you? <laughs> Why are you like this? Like, take me back to move me forward? Right? What brought you to this work?

Dr. Scott:

I grew up as a performer but I always had this heart of empathy. I wanted to understand other humans. And I couldn’t stop learning until I figured it out. I didn’t feel human. I was so dissociated and traumatized as a kid, you know, I used to tell my parents as a four year old that I feel like I’m a walking ghost.

Nicole:

Wow, as a four year old.

Dr. Scott:
And they put me in therapy. They like what else do you do? But I would say like, I don’t feel dimensional, I feel flat. And like, I didn’t know what that meant. And we have words for it now as adults, like I was really dissociated. I was totally disconnected from my body and at times reality. And I wanted to know what it was to be human. I wanted to know what it felt like because I was so disconnected to my feelings and my body, and my sensations. And so I was like, I don’t know, where do you get that information, maybe school? I studied psychology and medicine and acting.

Nicole:
Listen, I mean, you want to talk about being put into an environment where you’re gonna use your tools? Theatre, acting, that will let you know what trauma looks like, you know, for sure every theatre kid has something they need to say and express right? But I’m so impressed with the sort of solution focused nature of it all, because so many of us take what we’re feeling and what has happened and just kind of say it is, you know, and I’m just gonna carry it, you know, or sometimes you get kind of victim-me and we’re like, oh, you know, I can’t believe this happened to me, and then that dictates how we approach life, you know, but you did something. So I’m excited because I want to extract you’re doing something this for all of us. So you came to it because you were experiencing it.

Now, so many of us are experiencing, you know, trauma, drama, stress. And we don’t even know it because it is so normal.

Can you tell us how we get to that place because I know that coming out of divorce, you know, I am going through sort of I, you know, you look back on it, multifaceted awareness where I thought I got it. I didn’t get it six months later. Oh, that was what that was.

And I am blown away by how I used to live three years ago, and the fact that I’m still standing. How do people even know how bad it is?

Dr. Scott:
Sometimes when we rely on other people, or the things that like, our life just doesn’t feel right. Like we keep feeling like these challenges that can’t we can’t resolve. I mean, the reality is this such a great question, how do we know…

Nicole:

Yeah, just like, because your thing is being addicted to drama. Yeah. How do I even know if I’m in drama, if I’m just used to it? Like how people are like, Oh, these are just my kids until they go to someone else’s house, and you’re like, Oh, my house is dirty. Or you? Are you meet someone else’s kids. You’re like, Oh, your kids, like sit at the table? Yeah. How do I even know my life is weird or crazy. When I watch on TV, and it’s chaos. I go to my workplace, it’s chaos. My house is chaos, like, how do I know?

Dr Scott:
Yeah, I mean, I figured out for me, that my childhood was utter chaos, that the things that were going on that the massive fights that, you know, drama was the currency for love. And like, illness was the currency for love, like you, the things when you’re challenged, or when things are going wrong, that’s when you get attention. So it becomes the currency of love.

Nicole:
Oh wow.

Dr. Scott:
And so I didn’t realize that until I got away from my household. And I saw how other people reacted. And I noticed that they would get attention for doing good things, that they would get attention for just being loving and supportive. And I was like, Whoa, something doesn’t compute. And it’s in that dissonance, where some that, you know, like, you see it one way, but you’ve experienced another way that suddenly something cracks open, and you get curious, and you investigate what it is.

Nicole:
This is so, so powerful, because one of the things that I’ve shared here is that oftentimes our confusion resides in the isolation. So when we are living in it, when our world becomes increasingly smaller, when we kind of get into this cycle of all I do is momming, you know, so it’s like, my whole world is my kids and all I do is my entrepreneurial business. And I’m spending all these hours at the desk and it’s glamorized, and glorified. You know, like, you’re such a good mom, or you’re such a hardcore entrepreneur, that you literally don’t even realize, you step out for one minute, and you’re like, wait a minute, there can be peace? And then it’s how do I get there? Now? You have tools, though, I know that you’ve got a quiz that you do that helps people kind of figure out some of those questions, because not everyone can escape it to find out. So tell me more about this quiz.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah. So there’s a quiz on my website that they can take. Dr.ScottLyons.com and it’s also in the book, Addicted to Drama. And do you want to take it? Do I know someone addicted to drama, or am I addicted?

Nicole:
Oh, we can do it. Listen, all my friends. I feel like my friends right now would literally be like, Nicole, you don’t even need to take this. We know you. But let’s go ahead and I’ll take the test myself. I’m not too shy.

Dr. Scott:

Before we do the test, can I define drama and addictions?

Nicole:
Yes, define it. So we know what I’m testing. And also tell us about this test. Like yeah, what does it help us find out like all of that and you all take it for yourself too. Like I’m not doing this myself. You better take out a pen and decide for yourself too, okay? Don’t leave me out here!

Dr. Scott:

And we’ll normalize it like you’re still a good human even recognize you’re a little dabbler in the drama, like you’ve got a propensity or a little addiction to the stress.

Nicole:
I’m addicted to cheese and proudly Okay, so listen, addictions can’t be all bad. I receive it.

Dr. Scott:
I was heavily addicted to stress. There it is. I mean, nonstop needed it. Oh, and couldn’t get enough, built up a tolerance level for it and even more to feel more of it, had withdrawal symptoms from it.

Nicole:
Wow that’s fascinating!

Dr. Scott:
We all do that’s the thing.

Nicole:
So can you tell me, I love this, because I read somewhere and I want to hear everyone say and I don’t want to mess them up those five signs of addiction. Because we know what addiction looks like when it’s you deal with substances and think of things that are normalized as being negative.

But what does addiction look like when you are addicted to stress, drama, trauma?

Dr. Scott:
Yeah. So all you know, forms of addiction have like a basic tenants that make an addiction, like it occupies a lot of your time. Like you might not think about stress, but you might be engaging in things that are stressful constantly.

Nicole:
Like entrepreneurship. Yeah, if it’s like, oh, no, I always worked 90 hour work weeks.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah, overscheduling yourself and then the stressful result in your nervous system, we might go, “hey, you’re amazing. You do so much.” But the overscheduling is actually a dependency on stress.

Nicole:
Oh, I don’t even know. What are you doing right now? Like if you don’t get up out of my office, I’m not ready. Okay, so that’s the first one is so this aspect of of scheduling, overdoing it just taking up this time.

Dr. Scott:
It takes a lot of time, like you’re focused on it. Another part is we build a tolerance for it. So, you know, we all know this a little bit perhaps with like drugs or alcohol, like you need more to get high.

Nicole:
Yep.

Dr. Scott:

The result in stress is that you actually need more stress to get the benefits of stress.

Nicole:
Can I tell you right now that I am deeply bothered, and I feel safe saying that because you’re up there.

Dr. Scott:
I’m here for you.

Nicole:
There’s literally like, because I’m applying this to entrepreneurship, right. So you know, you get applauded, being like, Oh, she’s tough as nails she can handle it all she can I like how did you handle your daughter going through cancer while building your business and get a million dollars, you are so brave and bold, but after that, it’s like okay, you get through it and you’re like now I need to launch 8 businesses and it’s not because you are driven or ambitious, it might be part of it. But it may be that I’m pushing my stress limit to get a better fix.

Dr. Scott:

You need the fix and here’s the withdrawal piece of it is like withdrawal when it comes to addiction to drama or stress, looks like boredom and anxiety.

Nicole:
Oh, hear me on anxiety listen! About the boredom part, not so much but the anxiety for sure. Because it’s like am I doing enough things to make money? You just don’t know how to sit still feel with nothing going on.

Dr. Scott:
Yes. You never feel safe enough. You never feel like you have enough money. You never feel like you have enough love.

Nicole:
Y’all. Are you hearing this right now? Could you be an addict? We haven’t even gotten into the questions. I just want you to understand how common ideas around addiction can also apply to these other things.

Dr. Scott:
And so many of us know it and like before I read like the hard core question, right? Like, I’m gonna give the soft, the soft question.

Nicole:
Oh, I like that, though. Like get warmed me up. Like he’s me in there.

Dr. Scott:

Have you ever experienced going to a meditation class being in a bathtub someplace that’s relaxing, like walking through a forest, or whatever. And all of a sudden, your mind starts to build up a million miles an hour?

Nicole:
Are you kidding me, I sat in a float tank, and I literally wanted to drown myself. Okay, I was like, no, no, no, no. It’s too loud in here. I was like, some of us need to leave. It was a lot going on. <laughs>

Dr. Scott:

Exactly, yes, it’s that physiology where all of a sudden you start to rest and there’s a reflex called the rubbing reflex. And it goes into you start to build stories, you start to think about what you have to do, you start to think fights in your head with people you love.

Nicole:
Or overanalyzing, I think is a really common one for women, like no people will say like, Oh, I was driving away and then I was like, Did I leave the stove on day, whatever. It’s like a simple way of saying like, you couldn’t even just trust that you did the thing you need to do.

Dr. Scott:
Yes you couldn’t trust yourself. And part of that is this physiology. This is all the addiction of stress is that the moments of calm settling lead us to closer contact with the things we’re avoiding, which is our inner emotions, trauma, pain, that we cannot process and metabolize.

Nicole:
And that makes sense and is commonly understood with substances. So I have a daughter who’s currently like 200 plus days in recovery. And you know, for her it was whenever it would get quiet I would use a substance because I didn’t want to think about my childhood or previous things and you know, now she’s learning when it’s uncomfortable like there are a million things, talk to people talk to friends, you know, let’s unpack it. You know, let’s go to therapy, go to meetings, but it is a confronting the discomfort. And so with stress, we do that too. I’m like, let me go find let me go to work.

Dr. Scott:
Yes, we chase the drama to avoid the trauma.

Nicole:

If you don’t write that free tip down, that is a free hot tip. Y’all don’t have to pay for that. Underline highlight, put it on a post it and stick it on your steering wheel.

Dr. Scott:
And we don’t recognize that we’re chasing it. It’s like when we feel like there’s always something going on. And it’s there’s always some type of stress or relationship, big fights, big relationship. You’re finding you’re doom scrolling, you’re watching the news. All these things that could otherwise be these moments of stillness are filled and occupied by moments of activation or stress. That’s the chasing.

Nicole:
So question about that because that sounds like what I think a lot of us think of drama looks like so I think that we do need that definition of drama. Because a lot of us think that drama looks like that relationship like oh, maybe this isn’t me because my life isn’t dramatic. You know, like I am a regular mom who just takes the kids all the time but the kids they might always be fighting or I’m always trying to argue with my cleaning their room or I have a lot going on. I’m busy. It doesn’t feel like my life is dramatic. So drama, I could still be addicted to drama. Based on the sort of medical definition that you kind of have, the clinical one, so can you tell us what that is?

Dr. Scott:

Drama is the unnecessary stress and turmoil in our life. It’s the exaggerated intensified behaviors, emotions, reactions, it essentially the disproportionate amount of energy in response to a stimulus than what’s actually needed. It’s like making a mountain out of a molehill.

Nicole:
That’s so good. It’s so good. And it’s so helpful, because it also lets us know that and there’s something that’s really I think I’ve spoken about it here before, but it’s kind of like when you have a six year old and your six year old is saying, this is too hard for me, mom, and you’re like, it’s just tying your shoes. It’s not hard for us, but in their world, that is like a disproportionate amount of stress for their tiny little human experience. And so what I’m hearing is that, even if your suburban life drama of not being able to get into the tennis club, yeah, you know, feels like something that I can’t relate to. Because you know, I’m dealing with chemotherapy sessions, this isn’t the suffering Olympics. Drama is drama.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah, it all comes back to the physiology of it, of like needing it, but not necessarily even knowing you need it.

Nicole:
Instead of being like, I don’t need to be part of the tennis club. I’m not even good at tennis.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah. It’s like, retelling that same story over and over and over again, emotional venting to everyone you know, not letting it go.

Nicole:
We know that person or we are that person. Tell the truth. Okay. So all right, let me put myself out here. What is this test that’s about to tell all my friends? Yeah, that’s going on. But look, we’re doing it together, right together, doing it together.

Dr. Scott:
And here’s another like, fun kind of question. Have you ever blown a birthday candle out with a fire hose?

Nicole:
<laughs> No, not literally.

Dr. Scott:
Not literally. But it’s like, Okay, someone says something and your reaction is tenfold of what makes sense.

Nicole:
I have absolutely done that. And I absolutely get triggered. I’ve done it with friends, family, I’ve done it with employees and I’ve done with coworkers. And always because I have a million things going on behind the scenes that met that moment and shouldn’t have been there.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah, yeah. And sometimes we feel bad about it. But other times we go and we justify it. We find we bring friends in to justify it. We call up our best friend, we’re like, they said this and then they said that.

Nicole:
Unless you have the type of friends like me who are like girl that was your fault, get back in there.

Dr. Scott:
No, really?!

Nicole:
Oh, yes my friends tell me about myself. It’s not fun.

Dr. Scott:

I honor your friends.

Nicole:
It helps me grow. They keep me in check.

Dr. Scott:
That shows your level of health.

Nicole:
Because therapy.

Dr. Scott:
Therapy, like when we’re surrounded by beautiful enablers. We’re gonna keep recycling the pattern.

Nicole:
Well, it hurts though.

Dr. Scott:

It hurts.

Nicole:

Nothing gets better. And that’s the hard part. Oh my gosh, that’s good.

Dr. Scott:
So a few of the quiz questions.

Nicole:
Here we go, y’all.

Dr. Scott:

I use language like extremely, literally, always, very, really, never. We create this more extreme language essentially. Sound familiar?

Nicole:
Yeah, totally.

Dr. Scott:
I feel anxious when things are calm.

Nicole:
When things are calm? Sometimes. And I will say I’m going to be completely honest about this, cuz you’re, you’re new to me, Dr. Lyons, but like everyone in my community has been here a while and they know, and they would know if I was lying. Right? Yeah, there was a time where the answer that is always.

Dr. Scott:
Yes!

Nicole:
You know, and so it, you know, post divorce post big move. I like have reduced the size of my team. I take different project like they’ve heard the work that I’ve done, which is why you hear the hesitancy because I’m thinking I’m feeling, I can to feel in my body. Which is interesting, because that stress response when you say that I can feel like, oh, wow, like, I remember when I was the answer would have been always. And that is really interesting. Yeah, they mean, like I’m weaning off.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah you’re weaning off the drama, the stress.

Nicole:
Yeah, so sometimes.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah. And it’s not yes or no, it’s sometimes, frequently, it is a full scale of our propensity for drama. Have you ever had someone say after interacting with them, say to you like, wait, what just happened? I don’t know how we got from here to here or shit! That was intense.

Nicole:
Yes, that’s happened. Or like, girl, you a lot! That’s the people I talk to.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah, that’s a lot. And that’s feedback.

Nicole:
On the podcast. I’m sure people listen, and they’re just like, oh, that’s a lot Nicole. This was a hot one today so yes.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah. And then there’s the question of, could it also not be a lot? Would you be okay? Is there a range? Is there a scale of response and that’s really what we’re talking about. When he goes from zero to a 60 in a second and that’s the only response you have, you have lost your power within you to be responsive to what is truly here in the present moment.

Nicole:
That’s so good. So about this, I have noticed that as I’ve gotten older and I don’t know if some of that’s just biological, right? You know, because people like to say, Oh, the 13 year old girls are a lot of drama, that sort of thing. And some of its hormonal, whatever.

Dr. Scott:
Neuropruning.

Nicole:
Oh, I love this. Well, you know, I’ve pruned the heck out of my tree. I don’t even know what’s gonna bear any more drama fruit. You know what I mean? Because I rolled up on 40 and was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. Like, it’s not a lot. I just don’t have the space or energy for it. Is that real? Or is that just something that like I think or people say.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah, I have experienced that myself in my own addiction drama. The older I’ve gotten, like, I just don’t have the energy. I’m tired. I don’t have the extra energy. And like, I don’t want the energy because this is the thing about stress that most people don’t know. You ready for it? Stress gives us energy. It’s like drinking four cups of coffee because you get that big boost of energy activation, in order to fight, flee, or whatever you need to do and people become attached to the energy because it feels powerful.

Nicole:
So Okay. Okay. Yeah, you don’t understand… And for those y’all watching on YouTube, you’re seeing my faces, okay? So I have experience with bipolar disorder, I have not personally diagnosed but I have experience with it in many phases over the range of my life. And one of the things that was really powerful for me, as I’ve gone through therapy to, you know, cope with, you know, people in my life who have had bipolar, or people in my life who have bipolar, one and two, right, the thing that was shared with me was that mania feels good.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah.

Nicole:
And that was a transformative statement to me, because, you know, in trying to understand why someone with bipolar wouldn’t take their meds or wouldn’t engage in therapy, because I’m so practical. I’m like, oh, bipolar, like, I have no, when someone’s, you know, not a neurotypical, you know, thought process or neurodivergent. You know, I’m very like, okay, it’s like having diabetes, take the insulin, you know what I mean? Like, kind of let’s Yeah, so you’re just different, you know what I mean? Like, in your processing, cool, we’ll just figure out what we got to do to accommodate because you have so many great things to bring the world.

So having the diagnosis of bipolar does not mean anything to me more than okay, so you operate a little differently. Let’s see what we can do to figure it out. And I say that for anyone who’s listening who may struggle with the shame or stigma of any mental health diagnosis, like you have so much to offer to this world still and don’t let that hold you back. Right.

Dr. Scott:
You are amazing. You are perfect. You are human.

Nicole:
Yes. Nothing is wrong with you. You’re just different. You’re having it.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah, there are things in the way of you experiencing the worlds richness, the wholeness of who you are. And the survival strategies you had to navigate.

Nicole:
That’s right. That’s right. Yes. All of that. And so knowing this, you know, when I heard that mania feels good, yeah. And that it’s kind of a pull, you know, that makes them inclined, especially if they feel the need in a moment where they’re feeling a little less self esteem a little bit weaker. They’re like, gosh, if I put on my manic hat or my manic coat? You know, then maybe I’ll show up differently or I’ll perform better. So I want to take that to stress…

Dr. Scott:
It’s absolutely the same as stress.

Nicole:
No!

Dr. Scott:

You feel a sense of elated power.

Nicole:
Like I can do it. Yeah.

Dr. Scott:
Have you ever had like, this is gonna sound like a strange question, like been in a fight, not necessarily a physical fight, but like an argument. And there’s a moment where you’re like, I feel powerful.

Nicole:
Sure. Well, people will say like, I got to burn off steam. But that doesn’t really make sense. Like, because fighting should be exhausting. So why did someone need to go like walk a mile to like, cool down?

Dr. Scott:
Do you want to know? Yeah, I’d have to go. So here’s the other thing about stress. Are you a runner at all?

Nicole:
Do I look like a runner? <laughs>

Dr. Scott:

I’m not answering that question.

Nicole:

You’re a smart man. No, I run to the fridge. I run away from my problems. I run to my man. I know what it’s like to move quickly. I definitely don’t actively run as an exercise.

Dr. Scott:
So have you ever heard the phrase like an a runner’s high?

Nicole:
Yes, I’ve heard of it. Never experienced it. If I did, I’d be a runner.

Dr. Scott:

We’re gonna go for a run your night and just so we can get the high and then we’ll take a break.

Nicole:
I am an empowerer. So so I will be happy to cheer YOU on. <laughs> I know my ministry.

Dr. Scott:

<laughs> Yes, so that endorphins high. That runner’s high is endorphins. It’s hormone producing sure, in a stress response. We have a massive release of endorphins. So stress is our most natural pain reliever; it blocks the pain receptors.

Nicole:
It’s also why when people punch walls, they don’t realize until after and then they’re like, oh my gosh, my hand. What do they do? They’re like, Dude, you’re bleeding. Yeah, like, this is crazy because you’re marrying science with what we already feel.

Dr. Scott:
We know this.

Nicole:
And so it’s, it’s what I’ll say is it’s got to be freeing and I’m hope all of you hear this because we’re going to shift to solutions. But Identifying the problem is so key to accepting the solutions. Knowing that some of our responses are biological, they’re enforced by society, you know? And also there are ways to know what’s happening to us if you felt any of these things or identify with any of these things, like you’re just human.

Dr. Scott:
You’re just human. Can I tell you one more interesting stress thing.

Nicole:
Yeah.

Dr. Scott:
So have you ever heard the phrase like trauma bonding?

Nicole:
Oh have I? I literally came out of a divorce. And I was like, I can’t even get a dog. I couldn’t even get a plant because I will be bonded to this and it will lose leaves and I’ll be like, why are we going through this?

Dr. Scott:
So studies show that people who share stressful or traumatic experiences bond more faster and for longer than people who go through happy experiences together. Stress is a social glue.

Nicole:
And that is so terrible.

Dr. Scott:
That’s why people gossip, it bonds us.

Nicole:
It’s not even like a legitimate connection but it’s you’re telling me it’s like physiological.

Dr. Scott:
It’s physiological, while dress gives us power, or a sense of energy. Stress gives pain relief, stress gives us a sense of connection to other people, why would people not become dependent on stress?

Nicole:
And it’s easy.

Dr. Scott:
And it’s free, it’s easy. You could be in a desert and stress yourself out. You could be in a forest and stress yourself out.

Nicole:
Oh, my gosh. Okay so I’m getting stressed by this conversation. <laughs> I’m literally over here like, this is all too much true. So let’s go to the list. Go to the relief portion of it, right? So we know what it feels like, we know why it happened. You know, some of it can be us. Yeah. And some of it is just how we’re hardwired. So I don’t want to you know, get into hacking of the hardwiring. But I do want to know, if I’m a simple person, regular mom, and I’m like, Alright, I get it. Yeah, me. Yeah. Where do we even start with this?

Dr. Scott:
Yeah. Recognize your revving is one of my first ones.

Nicole:
Write that down y’all.

Dr. Scott:
Recognize your revving. So revving means you’re stirring yourself up to a stress response. You are pulling things in from external from you like, Oh, I’m gonna watch the news. I’m gonna get into an argument on social media.

Nicole:
Yeah, certain people you follow me, so okay, recognize your revving. So I like this because I love breaking things out into like, real actionable things. So when you say recognize your revving, one thing I’m hearing is that stress isn’t like sudden onset, you’re saying that it can rev up to a point where it’s too much.

Dr. Scott:
Yes. Okay. We will rev all the way to that drama explosion. That unregulated on like reactionary position, like response.

Nicole:
So today, I went to the doctor’s office in the morning, and I was really like, my regular checkup. I’m very into like, blood work, and all that just tells me what’s inside, right? Like, I get body scans, just and I’m like, you know, god willing, nothing’s there. base level. Tell me what’s going on so I have something to say like, look, yeah, you did this child. Mom did not arrive this way. You know what I mean? She did not have gall stones before. And she does now. Do your homework. African parenting. Your inner therapist right now your therapy is cringing.

Dr. Scott:

It’s a little bit of weaponization, a little bit.

Nicole:

You’re saying putting the scans on the fridge next to their next to their school test and say, Look, mom succeeding also is a bit much. That’s very Mommy dearest. Like, get some help.

So, okay, but that said, when I was at the doctor’s office, and they were taking my blood work, I said to them, Hey, can I have a minute to kind of calm myself down versus walking in cold and then taking my blood pressure right away? Because I knew the number may not be reflective of me taking a minute to like, rev myself down I guess or like de escalate myself.

So when we feel ourselves starting to rev, we can remove things, or do we just remove things or people like, are you telling me to quit the job? Or do you know what I mean? Like I really want to know.

Dr. Scott:

Start small. Okay. So like when I said, Okay, have you ever sat in a meditation practice and started to recognize the fast thoughts? Yep, that’s a rev. That’s called an internal rev. Yeah, you’re stirring things in your body and you’re in your mind who and what was that sensation? Do I have a headache? Oh, my God, what does that headache mean? You know, versus external stuff. So you start to notice that revving action at all.

And so it’s like when things are calm, notice what happens in the space in your body in your mind. That’s in most likely you’re starting to rev. If anything of the things that we’ve said before sounds familiar, you’re likely starting to rev even in the slightest ways. Like if you start thinking about your ex out of nowhere, what are you doing?

Nicole:
Because also it’s not real, right? Like it’s they’re not there. They’re not there right now. And so my therapist calls this just not being in the present. Yeah, it’s not. Because if you’re in the past, like she calls it living in the memory. So if you’re in the past, or if you’re thinking about the future, you’re causing yourself undue stress, because neither of those things are here with you.

Dr. Scott:
You are revving if you’re cycling the past or resourcing the future.

Nicole:
That’s so good. And also, I guess, if you have people around me that like to do that.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah, I mean, misery loves company, drama loves company.

Nicole:
Yeah, because I have people in my life or had, or have altered boundaries with people in my life, who literally, like, all they want to talk about is like this happened in 2016. Or that one time, 45 years ago I remember you stepped on my toe and it’s just kind of like…

Dr. Scott:
They always have to rehash.

Nicole:
Yes and you’re just kind of like, I understand, I believe you. But now what?

Dr. Scott:
It’s the inability to move on because the inability to move on requires the vulnerability to feel less, or to feel what you actually feel.

Nicole:
So I have to ask a lot of people, so the reason why they can’t move on is because they need validation in their experiences, you know, like, where they’ll say, because this is common on the internet, where there’s this weird dichotomy of people saying, you know, the therapists from different camps, you know, saying, like, you gotta move on, you gotta live in the present, you gotta, like, you know, do the here and now and then other therapists saying, Look, you know, you have to deal with the pain, you have to deal with the past, you have to, you know, reconcile what happened to you in order to move on. So how does that sit with the drama? How can I reconcile my past but not obsess over my past or victimize over my past or need to rehash my past?

Dr. Scott:
Yeah. Is there any metabolism of the past? Is there any emotion that gets processed? And if not, you’re just recycling the past to rev yourself up.

Nicole:
So revisit your past with a purpose.

Dr. Scott:
Exactly. And so I feel like this sadness in my chest when we talk about my divorce or your divorce. And I can tell the story about how awful my ex was, or I can attend to, this is called processing dialogue versus dramatic dialogue. Dramatic dialogue is: he said, then she said, then they said that and talking about the narration, the story and not talking about how I feel.

Nicole:
I hope all of y’all are hearing what is being said. I’m telling you, I’m going to get all the messages about this. This is a session on a session on a session, because so many of us think that talking about the issue or talking about it is healing, but rehashing and getting into narrative stories and situations is not healing. Healing is a real process. So what does that sound like?

Dr. Scott:
Well, first of all, you cannot talk your way out of trauma.

Nicole:

But there’s talk therapy?

Dr. Scott:
And it doesn’t work to the significance, like you’ve done EMDR.

Nicole:
I agree. I agree completely.

Dr. Scott:
Cymatics are body oriented therapy. Trauma lives in the body, the ability to talk like, you know, it’s in our bodies, it’s in the way we move. It’s in our behaviors. It’s ingrained, like a memory. And talking is way above that, in our evolution of how our brains are.

Nicole:
We can talk ourselves out of therapy, literally.

Dr. Scott:
Wooh! I’m good at that, intellectualizing, talking about other people’s shit.

Nicole:
Rationalize, deflecting all the things. This is so good, because it also I think, is healing for some of you who might be hearing I did therapy and it didn’t work. Well, it’s because you might have done talk therapy or have the wrong therapists or weren’t ready or whatever. But, you know, when you, therapy works, yeah, period, you know, it’s about finding the process that works for you.

And also acknowledging there have been evolutions in our understanding of therapy that can really help you find the type that works. So as you said, somatic like helping people know what that is.

Dr. Scott:
First, when I say talk therapy, you can’t talk your way to trauma. There are a lot of other things people come into therapy for sure, sure, not a skill set building, how do I be more empathetic? How do I just function with another human being and like, there’s a lot of other things but trauma is different. Trauma resides as like an imprint of memory in your body.

Nicole:
Is that why you get sick? Because I talk about that in my book. Yeah, I had Bell’s palsy, high blood pressure, I got psoriasis, which is only stress-induced, you know, like I bought it was literally breaking down. And I never understood that. But what you’re telling me now is that like stress, because it’s trauma, it’s manifesting.

Dr. Scott:
So if you imagine yourself like a glass like this glass of water, and we pour water in, and then we sip some out, that’s, that’s functional, that’s functional. We have you know, it’s not flooded. But if I put your glass under a hose, and I just keep filling and filling and filling and filling, you’re drowning inside there, and you are not able to talk yourself out of that drowning, out of that flooding. And that’s what we’re talking about as trauma, it floods your entire nervous system and lingers there because there isn’t the space, time, support, permission to allow it to move out or it’s there’s, like, meaning there’s not someone here to hold your hand, and walk you through it, and say, you’re gonna be okay or you’re safe enough now, to let it move through, I know you’re scared, I know, you don’t want to feel that pain again, I don’t want you to feel that pain. And I know that touching into that pain, even just the littlest amount is going to help your liberation.

Nicole:

So I have to tell you, I know right now, for some of you listening in your headphones or in the car before you go in the house, like you might be having a moment, you know, and I just want to, you know, applaud you for having that moment. And for allowing yourself to, to lean into what you deserve, which is information, opportunity, permission, you know, to embrace your own healing and change in your life. And, you know, and so with that said, now that I think we’re really, hopefully getting an understanding, you know, of what stress and trauma can look like, you know, in our lives and our feelings and kind of where we either, you know, need to take some ownership over allowing it to continue or revving ourselves, you know, now that we know what a rev is, and how it shows up, and hopefully some ways to kind of de-rev, you know, what does it look like to really start making some long term changes?

Because I think a lot of people’s fear is it happened, it’ll never go, it’ll never get better. No, I can’t change it. Like, what am I going to do? Get rid of my kids divorce my husband? Quit my job, you know, Eat Pray Love my way out of this, you know, so I did that. But not everybody can do that. You know what I mean? So what does that look like?

Dr. Scott:
Do you remember VHS or DVD?

Nicole:
Are you kidding? I found a floppy disk the other day, I don’t know, no one knew what it was. I was like, they were like, is that the Save icon?

Dr. Scott:
Well some of us remember what a VHS or DVD is. So think about it like this way the trauma gets recorded there. And it stays in your closet. And so we think because of its impact, maybe we’re sick, or maybe we get into really bad relationships all the time, right? The way that survival response from the trauma is playing itself out but the truth is, we can learn to go get that DVD and push the play button slowly, this time and process through it in a way that we couldn’t before. And it actually erases from the DVD.

Nicole:
This is, my brain literally, you painted a picture where I’m like, holy cow, and I hope everyone hears this. I think so many of us will have those DVDs and CDs. And we’ll say they have value to us still, because we remember listening to with our favorite song, or whatever else. But realistically, sis you don’t have a CD player anymore, you know what I mean? Spotify, you’ve upgraded. So you put this in your closet thinking, Oh, this thing is done. It’s over. But I kind of have some fond familiar, which is that addiction, right? Like I have that bond familiar. I remember feeling something with this.

Dr. Scott:
The addiction is keeping it in the closet, right? You’re using all these other ways to distract yourself from knowing it’s there, or even coming close to it.

Nicole:
And we just need to take it out and download all of it and put it on our Spotify so we can have it or whatever make a list. Like you can have pieces of it, you know, like but get rid of the disc. I don’t need it.

Dr. Scott:
You don’t need it. And absolutely, so once you like I recognize the revving you start to find the sacred pause before the revving but you create enough wedge in between stimulus and response like between what’s coming in and your reaction or behavior.

Nicole:
A wedge? Creating like a pause, do you mean just saying hey, I need to sleep on this or I’m leaving room or something bigger?

Dr. Scott:
More like, oh, I can feel myself stirring shit up in my body or like pulling things in or like on the internet for no reason. No reason or think about my ex for no reason so I go pause, menopause. And the more we can learn to pause, the less we go in to the reflex of getting into the drama. We are stopping it before it begins and then the magic of that is that wedge that we’ve created is enough space for us to go and look in what’s inside of us that hasn’t been processed. That’s the space we get, the you know, the defense responses to survival responses have been let down enough so that we can start to meet our inner childhood wounding.

Nicole:
Actually heal.

Dr. Scott:
Actually heal it.

Nicole:
Wow.

Dr. Scott:

And that’s going to stop the pattern over some time. It takes a while.

Nicole:
Of course it does.

Dr. Scott:
But we’re taking the fuel out of the car.

Nicole:
Well, and this is really powerful because you know what I’m hearing and just sort of a very simple process, like de-rev yourself, use that pause moment, you know, and then look at what’s in there. You know, look under the hood.

Dr. Scott:
Right, exactly.

Nicole:
I have to say that pause sounds so great because just like stress, it’s free. It’s readily available, you can do it anywhere you already have everything you need. Nothing’s missing. You got it, you can roll. But so many of us are afraid to pause, that we’ll drink, we’ll party, we’ll go somewhere else, or we think that that’s the pause, we deflect, right. So, I want to call out and ask, what is a real pause look like? And do you know what I mean? Because some people will say, Oh, you know, this girl’s stressing me out. I need to go have a drink. Yeah, you know, or this situation is too much, I’m gonna go shopping. Or is that really a pause?

Dr. Scott:
No, it’s not definitely not. So like, let’s go back to the example. This girl is stressing me out. This person is stressed, right?

Nicole:
And I’m gonna just block them.

Dr. Scott:

I’m gonna block them and then I want them to know I blocked them, right?

Nicole:
I’m gonna block them and text them that they blocked.

Dr. Scott:
And then I’m gonna go stop. Right? I’m gonna think about backing away from the situation. Sometimes I have done this with people in a room, we put the like, the drama is like this water bottle here. And they say walk away, take five steps back. Can you do it? Are you okay? Do you feel safe enough? And they’re like, I want to go closer. There’s something in me that wants to grab it.

Nicole:
No way!

Dr. Scott:
All the time. And I was like, okay, just notice that. Notice something and he wants to grab it? And is there any part of you that can feel the ground underneath you, that can hear my voice? So bringing them back to the present. And just like that, we both kind of took a deeper breath when I said that, because we actually have done this you and I have.

Nicole:
Yeah, I’ve done the work. Like count or you know, breathing exercises.

Dr. Scott:
There’s so many things like bring yourself here, bring yourself back to the present. And that’s creating the pause. So the pause away from that revving reflex, the one that goes, oh, I need to go get that, I have to do that now. There’s immediacy. And it’s like, no, no, there’s not.

Nicole:
It’s an animalistic urgency and fat like, it’s the amygdala, right? It’s that sort of response of in your brain that saying, I need this thing life or death, but realistically in the present, that it’s not real. It’s just the science of it.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah. It’s not real.

Nicole:
Oh, Dr. Scott, I’m telling you right now, like I am over here, like, this is transformative, you know, and you give so much in such a short amount of time but as we all know, the real work continues with us. Where do you send people to continue to do this work? You know, what is the process of someone’s listening now and saying, look like, I do have an addiction. And I never would have labeled it as such but understanding the severity of it is key to me actually, being incentivized to change it. Do they need to run out and get a therapist or do they need to practice their pause, because you can feel overwhelmed with finding a fix. So what do you recommend?

Dr. Scott:

Look, therapy’s not accessible to everyone. So I never default to that, because I think it’s unfair. It’s expensive nowadays.

Nicole:
I pay a mortgage in therapy.

Dr. Scott:

Me too!

Nicole:
I mean, I just make the room for it because it’s hard to do, especially the work that we do, where we’re interacting with people who, you know, money issues, consulting issues, like I need therapy to show up, you know, so it’s an investment for me. I literally would sleep in my car and still have therapy, because it’ll get me out of my car. That’s how I believe in therapy but I also recognize that yeah, it’s, you know, for some people, it’s 1000s of dollars, and there are sliding scales. I always tried to say that you can always ask if therapists are some of the most generous people in the world, you know.

Dr. Scott:
There is group therapy, as long as people are not looping in on each other’s drama.

Nicole:
Some people are not well beyond what a group.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah. And also, yeah, there’s groups, there’s, you know, there’s online resources, there’s YouTube videos, there’s books, like, in the back of my book is about 25 pages of exercises.

Nicole:
So y’all, I just want to say, because our clients are gonna say it, there are all these resources online, but please go to Dr. Scott’s stuff because I do not want you landing in some, you know, hokey pokey fake me out shamans inbox, you know, and it’s not legit. You know what I mean? Like I because there are a lot of people who have their own healing work to do that will co opt your pain for profit. And one thing I can say is Dr. Lyons is again, qualified, generous, you know, experienced, please, please, please start with his book, because there are resources there that I know are valid, both in an emotional, moral ethical way but also clinically. So Addicted to Drama is the book and it’s out now everywhere, you can just grab it, you can listen to it.

Dr. Scott:
And I built a whole online learning platform for trauma called The Embody Lab. And so we have workshops, we have trainings, what we wanted to do was make trauma therapy, and learning how to offer it to other people and yourself accessible. So we have an enormous amount of scholarships. We do that. And we do at least once a month, once every other month, a day of just free workshops, like five or six workshops in a day, on different subjects, all related to like coming back into the present, coming more connected to yourself, connected to other people as one of the strongest ways of healing.

Nicole:
So tremendous and so generous. I’m telling you, I couldn’t do this work. I couldn’t like it. I mean, it is giving so much of yourself. And y’all, that’s the homework assignment, get the book Addicted to Drama by Dr. Scott Lyons, then go to the embody lab, you can find him on Instagram at Dr. Scott Lyons, you can see when the free workshops are if that’s the bucket you’re in, but it is an investment that is worth getting. It’s affordable, it’s accessible. And above all else, do not be ashamed to identify that you may need trauma-related healing because heck, if you made it through the pandemic, you experienced a collective trauma. Yeah, like it’s real. It’s out there. Let’s work on it.

Dr. Scott:
Yeah, thank you. We’re all just trying to come back to ourselves, come home to ourselves. And I just, I love that your work is out here to helping people come home to themselves. You’re such such a powerhouse.

Nicole
Oh, you’re going to heal my inner child. You told me everything my African parents didn’t.

Dr. Scott:
I’m going to talk directly to your inner child right now. I love you. You are worthy. You are special. You are magnificent. And you’ll may change the world.

Nicole:
Tell me I’m pretty!

Dr. Scott:
Oh shit and you’re pretty!

Nicole:

Y’all take a little bit of that for yourself too. This is a great chat. You’re amazing. I appreciate you. Thank you Dr. Scott for taking the time. Thank you for your work. Y’all you have your assignment, hop to it.

How we can become addicted to stress and drama,
What role trauma plays in our response to drama,
Why drama and stress are addicting, and
How to slowly break the cycle so you can bring more peace into your life

Find Dr. Scott Lyons HERE and connect with him on Instagram!
Grab Dr. Scott’s book, Addicted to Drama, HERE!
Grab my New York Times Bestselling memoir, Nothing is Missing, HERE!
Send me a DM on Instagram and Facebook!
Book a 20 min call to see if working together is the right next step for you!
Don’t miss our last chat with the most unexpected life pivot! Listen here or watch here!
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When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

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