Nicole:

Hey friends, I am thrilled to welcome you to the new season of The Nicole Walters Podcast. And as I mentioned before, all of our chats are going to be about moving forward boldly. And I know you’re going to hear all these new year, new you things in the next coming weeks and I want to let you know that we’re starting now.

Why don’t we have to wait for a magical marker of time in order to be our best selves and move forward and get the things we want and live the life that we deserve?

And I gotta tell you, after the journey that we’ve had over the past year, with starting over fresh starts, and talking about the learnings that are allowing us to move boldly, it’s time for us to actually do it.

This chat that we’re about to have is about the true American dream. So friends, you may or may not know, but I am the child of African immigrants. My parents were both born in Ghana, West Africa. My mother in a seaside town, that was city like, if you will, if you’re familiar, it’s called El Mina. And it My father was born in Wasa ecoupon, which is a village up north and you know, I jokingly call it a Discovery Channel village, because the depictions of Africa always are fairly consistent, you know, online and inaccurate often, but truly he grew up in a dirt floor, you know, small home, you know, that some what might refer to as a shack. And really didn’t have anything, no running water, no electricity. And he grew up very humbly, and both of my parents actually met when they came to the United States and my mother was 18. And my father was, I believe, 24. And they met here, you know, because they came here for better options and a better life.

And what’s interesting is that, I often think about what the American Dream probably meant to them. And whether or not you are the child of an immigrant, or you’re an immigrant yourself, or your first generation, and you’re born here like me, but you know, grew up in an immigrant household, or if you’re someone who just grew up with old school parents, or southern parents, or parents who, you know, had big dreams for you and had to work hard for them, we all know what it’s like to have a vision of what we think our life should be.

And in the spirit of, you know, this new season and speaking boldly, it kind of sucks right now. Like, everything is expensive, mortgage rates are out of control, for those of us who have gone through transitions our life, you know, like me with divorce or, you know, you with, you know, having a new baby or layoffs or you know, financial things, everything feels like it’s harder to do, and dreams feel like they’re harder to reach. Sometimes it feels a little scary to even make them and I don’t know about you, but there are parts of me that worry about what it looks like for my kids. And, you know, wanting to grow my family, what it looks like for my kids in the future. And honestly, what it looks like for me, you know, I’d love to, you know, buy a fancy pants home here in LA akin to the one that I used to have when I was, you know, in my previous marriage. And I have a great home now really, like God is very good, I’m cared for but it’s not like, you know, ritzy ditzy or anything like that, you know, and that’s fine. But when I tell you the idea of spending millions, which is what it costs to live in a home that’s actually fairly reasonable out here in LA, just doesn’t seem reasonable.

I have friends who are raising whole families in one bedroom apartments. And having grown up like that, myself, I know that it is possible to still have so much love and to achieve so much and accomplish so much. So there’s no shame in being someone who doesn’t have much but gosh, where’s the space to dream? Where’s the space to dream and I don’t know about you. But the dream that was sold to me growing up was that the American dream was a house and it was a dog, probably a golden retriever, you know, 2.5 kids getting a good corporate job, you know, that pays you a reasonable salary that allows you to take some vacations, have a savings account, you know, if anything comes up you’re able to pay for it. To have a reasonable late model car, you know, that doesn’t break down all the time you’ll get your kids into after school activities, and then know that you can retire at a reasonable age probably somewhere in your early 60s with a cute retirement party and you know, be able to move to Florida. Does that sound familiar? 

I don’t know if it’s just my old millennial self, but that’s what I thought life was supposed to give and it’s almost become a running joke amongst my girls, you know, who are 20, my older ones 21 and 24 that like, they don’t even know if they want to get married, definitely don’t know if they want to have kids, if it’s not a flat no, and they never expect to have a home. And I don’t know about you, but that jaded existence, you know, of saying that, what is the point of our living right now is heartbreaking. And I try not to get caught up in it because and y’all know, because we talk about it here, you know, we really want to be people who are able to feel like we have some control over our future.

What I want to speak to here is this idea that what we always have control over is how we want to design our dreams. Because this classic American Dream concept, I don’t know if it ever really existed. Because that dream concept is rooted so heavily in money. And as someone who has had it, has lost it, has grown up with none of it and then had so much of it, and then had a lot less of it. Right? Like I mean, I’ve really been at all the stages. And I gotta tell you, the American Dream is really just about options. It’s about having choices. And that’s where we start really feeling like our life is beyond us.

Do we have a choice around when we can have more kids? Or if we can afford more kids? Do we have a choice around the neighborhood we can live in? Do we have a choice around what type of car we want to drive? Do we have a choice of, you know, if we want to stay in a certain employment or not, do we have a choice around what sort of cancer treatments we want to select for our child if they’re on the table, because we’re not limited, you know, by the financial aspects, and we have access to that information.

And what I want to empower you with because this is something that I’ve really had to embrace is that choices only come when you’re willing to make bold decisions. If you want to have more choices, you have to be willing to get uncomfortable.

It’s so interesting because the mindset around not having options is a learned one. And as women, as marginalized people, we are constantly told that we have less options than we actually do. And that is a form of control. People want to feed us our choices so we select things that suit them. And I grew up seeing this in my home, because whenever my mom had company coming over, which was infrequent. I think that the idea of having people in our home gave her so much anxiety because our home was small. It wasn’t really well decorated, well appointed, we just weren’t wealthy, we just didn’t have we didn’t even have enough seating to really have company there, we had a couch and a chair, you know, and sometimes we could pull around extra dining room chairs if we needed seating, but it just, you know, it’s a small apartment. And whenever we’re having people over, I remember it being an event. And I always knew if someone was coming over and it didn’t even have to be anyone fancy. It could be like one of my dad’s friends or, you know, a couple of times, he may have had like teachers come over. Or, heck, it could have been the landlord popping by to collect a check, you know, whoever it was, the routine was the same. I’d wake up to the sound of the vacuum cleaner running as my mom made and attempted to, you know, catch any types of hair or dander or whatever it was, in our fairly stained old carpet around our apartment. And that I’d hear all the dishes going at the same time that I would hear ladles hitting the side of, you know, the pots of the pans on the stove because my mom was cooking a full like three course meal. I’d see her pull out trays, you know, from cabinets, and I would hear all the rustling and jostling and she was pulling these trays out and she would start pouring an assortment of chips and nuts and all sorts of different snack items that had a very distinctly Ghanaian, African flair to it. But you know, we’re pretty good noshables, you know, that we could have there and should always slice some oranges. And then, you know, pull out an assortment of beverages, ginger ale was always on the docket, she might offer a beer two, which I always felt was kind of weird, because I didn’t realize that not everybody drinks. I mean, but, you know, in Ghana, that’s really, it’s actually kind of considered elegant to always offer someone, you know, an alcoholic beverage, you know, that’s kind of a sign of, you know, wealth and doing a little bit nicer things.

Whereas in America, you know, it’s kind of what do you want to drink, you know, water was never on the menu, almost he asked for it specifically. And what would always happen is she would start, you know, pretty early in the morning trying to get the house together, if you will. And by the time the person finally arrived, she was wiped out. She was already tired. And one of the things I always thought was odd about that was people coming over is supposed to be a joyful celebration, right? The best part is when the doorbell rings. And we know we’re about to get to the fun. But the feeling I always had and I could detect on my own mother was that she felt like her options and her performance came before the joy even arrived. It was do all the work and then by the time we’d reached the moment where we should be celebrating or enjoying the company or creating a memory, she was exhausted. She was exhausted, she was miserable. And I can even sense an anxious dread coming over her that she would now have to engage. And she did great either way. You know, I remember my mom always being you know, smiley, and you know, but she never really had much to say. And I always found that to be odd, you know, because when I would see my mom in her most comfortable moments around friends or, you know, at larger parties where there really wasn’t a place for her to stand so she just had to have a good time, she was loquacious. She was dancing, she would have a drink in her hand, she was having a good old time. So I knew she had it in her but yet in her own home, she didn’t even know how to embrace the option of peace.

And it’s not lost on me that I witnessed this happen a couple times a year throughout my life in our small apartment. And when I reflect on my own behaviors, around feeling like I had limited options in my home outside of keeping it tidy, keeping it organized, cooking for the people there and keeping my family entertained. I realized that I was raised to think that service was my biggest value add to the people around me. And couple that with being a Christian, being a woman, being a black woman, you can understand how it’s very easy to feel like our biggest gift to the world is productivity. And you can also see how you lose your options when you only embrace the ones that you are told.

And being transparent, in my previous life and my previous marriage in the way that I was living and doing my business before, I felt so trapped, increasingly trapped every day. And I know that’s hard to believe because I was living a life that people would dream for. I flew on private jets. Again, I had that incredible home, I had staff. There wasn’t anything I couldn’t buy, right. So they’re in, I was living the American dream, right rags to riches, you know, an immigrant child who now has all these things. But I was so damn lonely. Like, and I felt trapped. I felt like I could not, I remember that I would stay up late at night, after everyone went to bed to just get like a moment of peace.

And what do I mean by that moment of peace, I mean, quiet where no one was asking me for anything, a moment where I felt like I didn’t have to entertain or help anyone. And I’ll go into that in a second. A moment where I felt like I didn’t have to check email, I didn’t have to watch a show that was like a family show, kind of a show that I wanted to watch. And I’m saying all of this knowing that if you’re listening as you know, a mama or a sister or you know, even a single girl, you’re hearing and knowing what I’m talking about, right? Just having that moment to myself for myself but then also realizing that I felt like I didn’t get enough of that time. And I didn’t quite know how to shift it.

And it wasn’t until sort of the final years of my marriage that I realized that I did know how to shift it, I just didn’t want to. I didn’t want to have to do the thing that I knew would be required to get more choices, to have more options. Oh I feel teary just thinking about it because I remember the discomfort of sitting in that place.

So I was sitting on my gorgeous blue velvet couch. You know if you ever watch my show, you’ve seen it, you know? And I loved this couch, it was custom designed. It was super comfy and it was beautiful and it trapped all my dog hair on it. You know and I’d cozy up on this couch at night and I’d watch you know a show and I’d be watching this like Bridgerton, or something, you know, and all I could think about was, tomorrow, I have to wake up and go to work, you know, and tomorrow I’m back at the routine, and boy am I really blessed like, I would literally look around my house sometimes in awe, because I grew up with nothing. I slept on a couch, you know, until I was 12 in poverty but here I am dozing off on a couch, wealthy, and still feeling trapped. Like, I don’t like my options, or this isn’t the life that I selected for myself.

And a lot of that had to do with the lack of love that I felt in my home. And when I say love, I don’t even mean just romantic or partner related love, I mean, a lack of understanding and appreciation and worth, which, you know, some of that is my own job, you know, but also, just generally feeling like my life is going to keep repeating itself in the same format over and over and over again, until I decided to move and make something different happen.

And so I was thinking before I decided to come here and chat with you today, how many times have you sat there and known and said to yourself, I need to quit this job. I need to quit this marriage. I need to quit this friendship. I need to leave this thing because I cannot remain here. Like there’s parts of me that are dying off. You know, there are things that I know that are better somewhere else. If anything, sometimes it’s not even about the quitting or the leaving of where you are, so much as honoring the call of where you’re supposed to be. And when I tell you for years, in repeating the same cycle of seeking that moment of peace in the evening, I would spend so many of those hours sitting there saying to myself, I’m not happy. And I’m exhausted, and there’s so much good in my life, and there’s so much joy, but I need to leave, like I need to not be here. I need to pursue peace, you know, and better balance, you know, around the joy in my life.

And what that looks like is a divorce, you know, that I need to be able to boldly say yes to myself. And not in a selfish way I think a lot of times when people hear that, and they say, Well, if one of the options that you’re seeking is more of you, that’s not okay. And on many levels in our society right now, there is a lot of selfishness, there’s a lot of self-centeredness. But I’m talking about the saying yes to yourself so that you can say yes to others. I needed to create more breathing room for me, so that I could keep serving in the capacity that I was serving.

And I was so scared. And I know that for those of you who tune in every single week, and we have these chats, and for those of you who have read the book, you know that chapter one of my book is all about how the American dream is about options. And how I came to learn that after watching my mother suffer. And I want you to know that if you’re sitting there saying to yourself, I feel like my American dream is slipping through my fingers and all I want are more options. I just want more choices, whether it’s around work or around my partners who I’m with in a relationship or around my friendships or where I live or whatever else, I have to let you know, I watched my parents suffer. And I remember thinking, why aren’t they choosing differently.

And in the book, I tell some stories of, you know, things that I could see my mother saying no to every single day that she didn’t have to but, you know, one thing I don’t share is that my mom is the type of woman who literally would set herself on fire to keep people warm. I mean, she would go to parties she was invited to and spend her entire time on her feet, serving and helping and cleaning and tidying up and, you know, chasing after kids and you know, cracking jokes and serving drinks. I mean, she just spent her whole time working. Even in an environment she was invited to in order to have rest. The only option she saw for herself was work. The only option she saw for herself was people pleasing. And the thing that I’m constantly reflecting on is that we all have options, and it’s what are we choosing to engage in. Because a lot of us focus on the fact that we may not feel like we have the option that we deserve, which in this American dream for me it would be an option of lower mortgage rates, better down payment options, right. But realistically, you know, I do still have options who says I have to stay in LA?

Right, who says that I have to live in house, you know, who says that? I can’t have a nomadic lifestyle? You know, there are lots of choices. It’s just that do I want to boldly consider them. So, you know, when I was sitting on that couch feeling miserable, remembering how my mom would go to these parties and work so hard and act like it was her only choice, because her highest value was how do people view the way that I serve them? That was where she found her worth. And I say this to you hoping that some of this resonates with you, because some of you are bending over backwards to serve other people that wouldn’t spend five minutes doing that for you. And I’m talking about our kids, you know, because our kids don’t, you know, they don’t owe us anything, but I’m talking about the grown adults in your life. And that includes your job, you know, are you bending over backwards to serve this thing that doesn’t serve you because you think you lack options. And I want to encourage you to look around and see what your other options are, including the ones that you’re not willing to consider, because they’re too bold. Because they’re too scary. But you know what, they’re still options. You’ve got to take out a piece of paper and write them down and consider them. Because what isn’t an option is staying in the same place.

Because what I can tell you is that the last thing you want is to put into the type of high pressure, push or shove moment, where you have to go.

And I say that as someone who if you’ve listened to, you know, some of our chats from last season, that’s what a medical situation is. That’s what a difficult-to-bounce back from financial situation is. That’s what it looks like when you find out your kid needs to go into rehab or has been diagnosed with cancer, you know, that is that push or shove moment, that calls you to be bolder than you desire, and possibly before you’re ready.

But one option that you always retain, is your choice around when to move, as long as you are considering your options before you do it.

So friend, as we’re going into a new year, before the new year actually arrives to us, one of the things I want to encourage you to do and I’m going to do it too, is to make a list of all your options even if they’re the ones that you absolutely don’t think are real options. Is it that you’re going to get a divorce? Is it therapy? Is it taking time apart? Is it learning more about yourself and figuring out what you can bring to your marriage? Is it looking at applying at other jobs? Is it taking some time off to not work at all for six months? Is it actually building that side hustle and seeing if you can make a little cash and when I say building it, I mean actually building and selling and working at it. Not just hoping and dreaming and playing around.

Make that list. I don’t want to see a goal list of just lose 10 pounds, right? I don’t want to see a goal list of you know, get in the gym more, eat more vegetables, drink more water, all those things are good and great but realistically, how bold is it to write down the same thing you’ve been writing every single year and taking no actual steps towards it.

You know what you need to do to get your American dream. You deserve more options, and you have plenty in front of you. So let’s go after it together. The real American dream is about options. So let’s start making good choices together.

Nicole:

Hey, friends, so you have been here on a journey, I am so grateful. I’m so grateful because our conversations that we have I see you on social posting in your cars and at the gym. And you know, it’s just, it’s really amazing to have this time with you and I don’t take it for granted. But I need to both apologize, I guess, and be really honest and transparent about the time that we have here and making sure it is of complete value.

And I want to let you know that I don’t take it lightly, what it means to be able to speak into people’s lives. And that’s something that I’ve always held in a lot of integrity and close to the vest that the life that I have right now is one that there are people who work towards it, there are people who are born into it, there are people who train for it. But at the end of the day, you don’t get this opportunity without God having sent you. And without having a special call over your life because things have to move in certain ways for you to even have this type of access and opportunity, which means that you have to be really responsible with it. And the reason why I say you know, it’s kind of like an apology call out, let’s just keep it all the way real is, I feel like there’s another level to this relationship. And while I get one of the number one thing that’s always said to me, and I hope you’re all are feeling where this is going because it is this is a kind of, we’re about to take our friendship to the next level kind of chat, you know, sometimes you have it with your girlfriend, sometimes you have it with your partner, your spouse, or sometimes even with your boss, where it’s like, hey, you know, I need more, you know, and we need, we need to dive deeper. And that’s very much what this chat is.

So one of the number one things that people say to me, and have said to me, that’s really been a call out over this book tour is all about Nicole, you are so transparent, you are so vulnerable, you are so authentic, you are just so real. And I have been wrangling with this, both emotionally, mentally, in therapy, in church, you know, with my friends. And I’ve dabbled in talking about it. So some of you if you’ve been on the book tour, or in some of these online conversations, you’ve heard me kind of voicing and kind of working through some of my thoughts around it. But it is true that everything that I share with you is 100% me in my rawest and most learning state. I’m not afraid to talk about the growth, I’m not afraid to look messy in front of you. I’m not afraid to share what I’ve learned, what mistakes I’ve made. And if you’ve read the book, Nothing is Missing. Y’all it’s out there, I’m so grateful, New York Times bestseller on shelves everywhere, you know, you know that I’m not afraid to be like, I screwed up in some big ways.

In my book, I talk about abortion. In my book, I talk about divorce. In my book, I talk about, you know, my difficulties in college, you know, I talk about all of these things, where I’ve never talked about them before. So I’m not afraid to look messy. And I’m not afraid to be subject to judgment. But I’ve always felt so much pressure when someone says you’re authentic and real, that you must be giving all of yourself. I don’t even know where that came from. I do know it’s a social media expectation, right? Where people think that if you don’t share something, you must be ashamed of it or embarrassed or hiding it, when the truth is you’re still working it through. That is the truth of most of us.

And the truth also is your people are not entitled to all of you, right? And what I can tell you is that over the past season of this podcast, you know, and I know I call them our little chats here, but you know, in the industry, they’re kind of looked at like seasons, right? But it really is a season of my life. I’ve been talking a lot about my divorce, you know, and what I’m learning through that process. And you all know that this sort of kicked off back in May, where I finally had a merge sort of from my hidey hole of grief, and built up enough strength, I can literally feel my stomach turning. I’m like, so I’m because I remember that time so deeply. And it was so hard. And I emerged enough to be able to articulate out loud to you that I was going through a divorce, and that I was divorcing and my family did not look the same anymore. And that I you know was working through what it meant about myself and about my life and my future, my finances and I only was able to talk about it. I mean, at that point, we were almost a year into being separated, in the process and the filing and all that stuff and but I was only able to say it out loud, because I’d finally been able to believe it, that it was really happening in person.

And then I shared with you that I’d fallen in love again, and you know, and all the bits and pieces in between and all that stuff was true and authentic and real and about where I was. But there were all also pieces that I hadn’t talked about, you know, and essentially, I want to let you know that I’m bringing this season to a close. That in the release of Nothing is Missing, I wasn’t just releasing a story into the world, you know, I wasn’t just releasing lessons that I’ve learned, I was catching y’all up so I could also close the door. I was releasing this previous life that I had, so that I can start really embracing and living completely in my new one.

And I wish I could say more chapters are closed. I mean, I’m still dealing with divorce, you know, and I’m still learning how to be a mom, you know, as a divorcee, and in a new relationship and in a new city. And you know, all of those things, you know, they’re always ongoing things, and I’ll talk about them here as they apply. But I do want to let you know that one thing that’s not changing is our time that we spend here together and trying to keep it as real and transparent with what I know, right? And as vulnerable with what I’m comfortable talking about, because I understand it enough to talk about it.

But I want to let you know that this is going to be the last chat within the season of starting over. And it’s not because I’m not going to be called to start over again, if you’ve paid attention to our previous chats, you know that starting over is going to keep happening, right? I’m always going to be starting over in one way, shape, or form and so are you. But I’m not starting over again. You know, what I need to do is tap into what I talk about in my book, which is living boldly.

I’m at a place where I finally have accepted that this is my life. I haven’t been plopped into something I didn’t decide for myself. I chose to be divorced, you know, I chose to get into a new relationship. You know, I chose to have to be a mother in this way and even though there are some things that I may not have wanted to work out a certain way or that, you know, you’re not in control of others, you know, others have shown up in a certain way, I chose this life. And I’m going to tell you the truth, I like it. I like the life I have. And I’m so happy with it, even though it’s a mess. If you remember from my book, and also from here, a common thing that you hear me say my mantra, especially in the starting over season, is everything is wrong, everything is right and nothing is missing.

Everything is so deeply wrong about my life, because it doesn’t look anything like what I planned, you know, and starting over, is going to do that. But everything’s right. Like for the first time in a long time, my life is so deeply meaningful and forward moving, even though it is a utter, complete and entire mess from what I thought it would be. But I want to transparently share that I want to talk to you about how I am choosing to make really big and bold calls, even if I’m not sure what the outcome is going to be.

I want to have conversations in this next season and next chapter about what it looks like to align even deeper with what God has sent me to do. I want to talk about the fears of what if I talk about this thing and it gets me canceled? Right? When I tell you, when you release a book, particularly a memoir, right? so I didn’t write a book that’s like a children’s book. You know, I didn’t write a fiction book about other characters, I wrote about myself. You write in a bubble for four years, you have no idea how people are going to receive it. I will say I shared the book with people in my life and pieces of it at least.

And I was very clear in advance of publishing the book, you know how I was going to address certain elements and certain stories and to get feedback and to ask people how they felt and all of that. I was very careful about that because, you know, when your story intersects with others, you want to be mindful of that. But at the end of the day, no matter what you’re going to get responses and feedback from the masses when they read it. And I’m grateful because the response was overwhelmingly positive. I mean, I have been floored by how generous and kind and impactful people I have said my book is and how they’re interacting with it. But it’s not lost on me that I really put myself out there. And I’ve had to have a lot of conversations over the book tour about what this book is about.

So, if you haven’t read the book, I do want you to know that it is the memoir of my life. And if you go back in this season, or if you even start from season one, you’ll hear kind of the journey of that, but this is more of the behind the scenes, you know, it is the, the breakdown of my health, the breakdown of my marriage, the growth, you know, I used to be so anxious and stressed and angry. And just, I was running a business and the business was working but I didn’t like the way I was doing it. I did not like the relationships that I was having. I didn’t like how I was showing up and I felt that in every aspect of how I was living.

And there’s something that has happened now, where because you all have this story in your hands. And because I’ve had some of these conversations. And for those of you who’ve only listened to the podcast, when I tell you even those conversations had an element of surface to them, because I wanted to honor the background with the book. But it’s all out there now. It’s out there. And now we can really talk. And I’m excited for it. So what does that mean? What does that mean our next chat is going to sound like? Because this is it. Right? This? Is it for the surface level? This is it for the high, high level 30,000 view kind of this is what’s going on. But I’ll tell you more later, you know, what does it mean for us to not talk like that anymore. What that means is I’m going to tell you things that you may not like. What it means is some of you are going to unfollow me. It means that some of you are going to have side conversations about things like, Did you hear what Nicole talked about, you know, on her season? Some of you are going to have full on jaw drop moments, it also means that there are going to be some episodes where I’m going to give you a full on headphones warning, which is your little clue in that the kid should not listen to this one. Or that you need headphones in the office because I’m going to, you know, really dive deep and be candid in my language so that you can really understand it without anything minced. And I’m excited about it. I’m excited about it.

And for those of you who have read the book or have a copy with you, we’re going to follow along. And we’re going to take it piece by piece, because in this book, every single chapter, there are 29 chapters, I go over a mindset, a thought, a belief system that I held that affected my life. I’ll give you some examples for those of you again, who have read the book. And those include things like life is the meeting and solving of problems. Choosing your heart, you are worthy when you wake up, right. And I know all of those sound fluffy and motivational. But when I get into the grid, the stories that are not in the book, because I understand that a book goes through a lot of editing. And there are things that I wanted to put in there that just did not make it to the table. But we’re going to talk about it and we talked about it on tour and I saw what it did impact wise. So we’re going to keep it very, very real. It’s not fluffy, we’re going to really dive in. But there are also things here that I know are going to make some of you cringe because you did not know that this is how I believed or this is a value that impacted my life or that it’s something that shaped who I am.

And I’m gonna say it out loud, I’m going to tell you because it could shape who you are. And I also want our relationship to again, always move forward in the most complete way. And we’re growing up together, you know, so I want us to grow in our relationship too. So you know, we’re gonna talk about things like black women are everything. You know, and that is chapter 10 of my book. And it is something that I believe and I know some of you may hear that and say, what does she mean by that? If Black women are everything does that mean every other woman isn’t? No, it means that and we’ll dive into it when it comes time to talk about this conversation. So if you’re willing to stick with me and hear it out, I think you’re gonna get a lot from it. But when I say Black Women or everything, I mean that with my whole chest, and you can fight me on it. And the reason why I say that is because of the fact that I would not be here without black women. And that is evidenced by my book tour. In every single room, it was 90% black women, because one thing that I know is that black women show up for me because we show up for each other.

And in chapter 10 of my book, I share a story. If you’ve already read it, you know this one. But if you haven’t just a little sneak peek, I share a story of how I got started in this business and the very first woman who told me, Nicole, you have a voice and you’re saying something worth hearing were black women. And they came to me within a church and they said, Look, you need to keep going, because what you’re doing is ordained, you’ve got something that’s worth pursuing.

And all my life, whether it’s there, or in corporate, or anywhere else, or on this book tour, I have only arrived where I am on the backs of black women. Now doesn’t mean that I haven’t been helped by other women, it doesn’t mean that I’m not blessed to have a community that is truly diverse, and truly robust. And, you know, even my own Misterfella is Hungarian, you know, it doesn’t mean that I don’t understand love and have space for all the women who have shown up in my life. And I will also say categorically, it’s women, you know, that is really something for me. But I have to tell you that when I walk into a room, and I see another black woman there, there is a feeling of home that supersedes anything else. And I want to make it very, very clear how much I deeply love black women and how grateful I am. And I want to share this, particularly for the women who aren’t black, that listen to this podcast, because I want you to love them too. And black women deserve to be loved, because of what they contribute to our culture, to our workplace, to our conversation, to identity, how they show up and if you love me, a huge part of our relationship is founded on and is because I am black. And I really want to talk about that in a big way. I raised three black daughters, and you are all internet aunties. And I know it’s so easy to live in a world where we don’t want to talk about race, because it’s uncomfortable. But you know, these are the type of things I want to dive into because I want you to know that we can’t gloss over those things. And we have a foundation, where you know that you’re safe here to have these conversations.

And you know, this space that I’m coming from, and you know, I wouldn’t waste your time if it wasn’t worthy to talk about. But we need to get more transparent, and even more authentic. And we need to remove some of the fluff in those conversations, and you know that you’re safe to have them here. And for the black women who are listening, who you know, may not need to be told what they already know, I want to affirm very clearly so that you can understand how seen you are and deserving you are and and I hope that this brings us all closer.

So it’s a call for us to stand in the uncomfortable together. And to know that we will be just fine. And to know that this next chapter is actually going to leave us better. And that these next conversations are going to be transformative. But the only way we can do them is if I’m willing to make the bold move to remove some of the veil that can come with the fear around what it’s going to mean to speak boldly. I’m grateful. You know, I have made the money, had the homes, had the car, gotten the titles, made the list. But again, I’ve been sent to do very specific work. And what you’re going to see in this next season is me answering that bold call. And also asking you to step up into your bold calling, whatever that may be. And know that whatever the outcome is, it’s going to be worth it.

So I want you to know that even if you haven’t read the book, even if you are just meeting me on day one, I’m excited for you. Because the person you’re going to meet is one who is not fully formed, but really stepping into their own. And I think that provides us an opportunity to start a relationship in a very real place. And for those of you who’ve known me from before, if you thought that I was keeping it real, it’s about to get a whole lot realer. And I’m excited for where this journey is gonna go because no matter what we are all going to grow together.

And as always, we continue these conversations on social, if you follow me at Nicole Walters, on Facebook and everywhere else, and y’all, let’s keep it going. I have no problem with that. Challenge me, ask me questions, let’s have these conversations, bring them to the podcast, it would be a joy.

But I also want you to know that the whole point of this is, I’ve been really, really good. This is my one superpower, in not being fearful, see, that’s not even sure let’s be honest, even while afraid, being first. I’ll be the first. I was watching my little one over Halloween trick or treating, and her friends were always afraid to go up and knock on the door. And if you know anything about Puffin, she’s quiet. She’s introverted. She is not the person when you’re in a room that would always go first. She likes to observe, she likes to watch and then figure out her place. But as she’s gotten older, I’ve noticed that she’s developing this leadership trait where if no one’s going to do it, she’s not afraid to step up and get it done. And I realized that I know she’s my adopted baby, right. But I’ve raised her since she was three and she gets that from her mama. Right? She gets that from me, that is a me thing. It’s stepping into the room. And looking and assessing what needs there are and figuring out how to stand in the gap.

And even if you’re afraid because I know for Halloween when her friends were standing back and she was like, I’ll go knock on the door. I’m not going to be worried about it. I’m going to get it done. But that was not something she did that wasn’t kind of a little scary for her. But she had faith that there was goodness on the other side. There was candy, obviously, right? But she also knew that whatever the outcome was that they didn’t answer, if they did answer that she could handle it that she would be able to speak up and say trick or treat first. And, you know, I was so proud to watch her not be afraid to be bold.

And if there’s anything that we need as women, as marginalized people, as business owners, as mamas, it’s to not be afraid to be bold, we have to be bold in the workplace, anybody gonna give it to us, we have to open our mouth and ask for it. We have to be bold in our relationships. So much of the demise of my relationship was because I settled and did not speak up for what I deserved. We have to be bold in our business. You deserve to be paid in full on time, what you are do, plus tax. Boldness serves you, and it looks good on you. And if I have to be bold, in starting to have the conversations with you, without all the veils, without all the nuances, you know, being mindful of grace, being kind and sensitive to the fact that we’re all in different places in our learning, understanding in our lives, but also challenging us a little bit to feel a little uncomfortable. Then I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it at risk of the fact that you might say, Nicole, I need to take a minute here. Several of you said that when you were reading the book, that there were times where you were like, this makes me uncomfortable because you are speaking into my life in a way that I’m not ready to hear. I had to put you down for a second Nicole right. I had to pause the audiobook and say, Oh, no girl, not today. You’re not coming for me. Well, listen, we’re going to do that a little bit here too, because it’s in my willingness to boldly step up and have these tougher conversations that I know I’m going to grow because I’m willing to share on a level that I’ve never shared before. But I also know that it’s going to unlock things for you, where you may have thought certain things about me, you may have had certain ideas around why I do certain things or what I may believe, or how I want to show up in the world.

And if you understand the full picture around that, you’re also going to understand how God is working in my life and why things have worked out the way they have. And it’s my hope that in unpacking that you can see yourself in that journey. It’s not lost on me that so many of you who have followed along here and on social, you have no idea how different you look. When I say different, I mean backgrounds. I mean, I went on this book tour, and I met people who grew up with every single need met in their life, incredibly wealthy. I met self-made Millionaires, I met people who are still trying to figure it all out single moms. I’ve met college students, you know, who are just trying to start out in the world and navigate. I mean, we all come from different lives. And you may not realize that because of the seat that you’re sitting in right now, and saying, Oh, well, I follow Nicole for these reasons. But I want you to know that we are all part of a singular community. And if we could all be in a room together, we realize how similar we are. And I can tell you collectively, as a community, one thing that can serve us is one, what we’ve talked about before, which is having the grace and the gumption, around knowing that we deserve to be able to start over shamelessly.

And that’s what I hope that we’ve gained from our previous conversations, that you are entitled to deserving and worthy of a right to say, I don’t want to be this person anymore. I don’t want to have this life anymore. And I’d like to start over. But I also want us to know that once we’ve decided and own that about ourselves, we have a right to boldly determine where we want to go and what we deserve in that world and call it and create it into our lives.

And that means I gotta go first. Just like my little baby, I gotta go first. So that means that I’m starting a new season. And in that new season in our new chats and our new conversations, I’m going a little deeper. We’re going to be a little bolder, and it may make us uncomfortable and some of y’all may tap out. But you know what, for those of you who stay here, where we’re going to go is limitless. And I just cannot wait to see what’s possible.

XXX

So I want you to know that even if you haven’t read the book, even if you are just meeting me on day one, I’m excited for you. Because the person you’re going to meet is one who is not fully formed, but really stepping into their own. And I think that provides us an opportunity to start a relationship in a very real place. And for those of you who’ve known me from before, if you thought that I was keeping it real, it’s about to get a whole lot realer. And I’m excited for where this journey is gonna go because no matter what we are all going to grow together.

And as always, we continue these conversations on social, if you follow me at Nicole Walters, on Facebook and everywhere else, and y’all, let’s keep it going. I have no problem with that. Challenge me, ask me questions, let’s have these conversations, bring them to the podcast, it would be a joy.

But I also want you to know that the whole point of this is, I’ve been really, really good. This is my one superpower, in not being fearful, see, that’s not even sure let’s be honest, even while afraid, being first. I’ll be the first. I was watching my little one over Halloween trick or treating, and her friends were always afraid to go up and knock on the door. And if you know anything about Puffin, she’s quiet. She’s introverted. She is not the person when you’re in a room that would always go first. She likes to observe, she likes to watch and then figure out her place. But as she’s gotten older, I’ve noticed that she’s developing this leadership trait where if no one’s going to do it, she’s not afraid to step up and get it done. And I realized that I know she’s my adopted baby, right. But I’ve raised her since she was three and she gets that from her mama. Right? She gets that from me, that is a me thing. It’s stepping into the room. And looking and assessing what needs there are and figuring out how to stand in the gap.

And even if you’re afraid because I know for Halloween when her friends were standing back and she was like, I’ll go knock on the door. I’m not going to be worried about it. I’m going to get it done. But that was not something she did that wasn’t kind of a little scary for her. But she had faith that there was goodness on the other side. There was candy, obviously, right? But she also knew that whatever the outcome was that they didn’t answer, if they did answer that she could handle it that she would be able to speak up and say trick or treat first. And, you know, I was so proud to watch her not be afraid to be bold.

And if there’s anything that we need as women, as marginalized people, as business owners, as mamas, it’s to not be afraid to be bold, we have to be bold in the workplace, anybody gonna give it to us, we have to open our mouth and ask for it. We have to be bold in our relationships. So much of the demise of my relationship was because I settled and did not speak up for what I deserved. We have to be bold in our business. You deserve to be paid in full on time, what you are do, plus tax. Boldness serves you, and it looks good on you. And if I have to be bold, in starting to have the conversations with you, without all the veils, without all the nuances, you know, being mindful of grace, being kind and sensitive to the fact that we’re all in different places in our learning, understanding in our lives, but also challenging us a little bit to feel a little uncomfortable. Then I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it at risk of the fact that you might say, Nicole, I need to take a minute here. Several of you said that when you were reading the book, that there were times where you were like, this makes me uncomfortable because you are speaking into my life in a way that I’m not ready to hear. I had to put you down for a second Nicole right. I had to pause the audiobook and say, Oh, no girl, not today. You’re not coming for me. Well, listen, we’re going to do that a little bit here too, because it’s in my willingness to boldly step up and have these tougher conversations that I know I’m going to grow because I’m willing to share on a level that I’ve never shared before. But I also know that it’s going to unlock things for you, where you may have thought certain things about me, you may have had certain ideas around why I do certain things or what I may believe, or how I want to show up in the world.

And if you understand the full picture around that, you’re also going to understand how God is working in my life and why things have worked out the way they have. And it’s my hope that in unpacking that you can see yourself in that journey. It’s not lost on me that so many of you who have followed along here and on social, you have no idea how different you look. When I say different, I mean backgrounds. I mean, I went on this book tour, and I met people who grew up with every single need met in their life, incredibly wealthy. I met self-made Millionaires, I met people who are still trying to figure it all out single moms. I’ve met college students, you know, who are just trying to start out in the world and navigate. I mean, we all come from different lives. And you may not realize that because of the seat that you’re sitting in right now, and saying, Oh, well, I follow Nicole for these reasons. But I want you to know that we are all part of a singular community. And if we could all be in a room together, we realize how similar we are. And I can tell you collectively, as a community, one thing that can serve us is one, what we’ve talked about before, which is having the grace and the gumption, around knowing that we deserve to be able to start over shamelessly.

And that’s what I hope that we’ve gained from our previous conversations, that you are entitled to deserving and worthy of a right to say, I don’t want to be this person anymore. I don’t want to have this life anymore. And I’d like to start over. But I also want us to know that once we’ve decided and own that about ourselves, we have a right to boldly determine where we want to go and what we deserve in that world and call it and create it into our lives.

And that means I gotta go first. Just like my little baby, I gotta go first. So that means that I’m starting a new season. And in that new season in our new chats and our new conversations, I’m going a little deeper. We’re going to be a little bolder, and it may make us uncomfortable and some of y’all may tap out. But you know what, for those of you who stay here, where we’re going to go is limitless. And I just cannot wait to see what’s possible.

XXX

So it’s been a blessing for us to have our time over this last season as we’re starting over and figuring out fresh starts and getting to the bottom line of who we are and how we want to show up and acknowledging that, you know, a lack of clarity is part of the process but we have to chase that clarity in an ongoing way while extending ourselves and giving ourselves some grace.

But what I’m excited about is that for this next season of our life, while taking all the lessons from the one prior, we’re going to walk and live boldly. We are going to walk into every room knowing we deserve to be there. We are going to say who we are and know who we are with our whole chest. We are going to have uncomfortable conversations that are still laced in love and that are still rooted in honesty, tolerance, kindness and grace. And we’re going to know that nothing is missing isn’t just a mantra, but it’s a practice. And I want us to have conversations where nothing is missing.

So friend, I’m grateful to you for standing with me and all the hard of the previous season and I’m thankful for you for being with me and creating and uplifting and being part of the joy that came along with the last season. And I want to honor that by standing with you and doing it together as we start to live boldly. Grab your books, tune in, show up and let’s dive deep.

Nicole:

Hey y’all, I love that we’re about to have this chat because I’m here with your favorite person. He’s my favorite too but I swear you all like him more than I do because especially post-tour when you had a chance to meet him. So many of you were like, No, this is our new favorite person. So we’re here with the Misterfella, the love of my life Mr. Alex Csillag, he’s here today.

Alex:

Hello, pleasure to be here again.

Nicole:

Oh gosh, not the podcast voice.

Alex:

Always with the podcast voice. 

Nicole:

Hello, pleasure to be here. And I have to tell you, if you don’t follow if we have clips on YouTube. I’ve never shared this but so you know we have a YouTube channel for the podcast so if you head over there you can actually see like expanded video and clips and all that and then obviously I share on social but the reason I’m calling out today is that we look like trash.

Alex:
Oh my god.

Nicole:
Hot mess.

Alex:
Feel like trash, look like trash, all of it.

Nicole:

All of it. So tell the people why we are are dragging our tails into this.

Alex:

Because we’re pretending like we’re younger than we are. <laughs> We tried to have a life last night.

Nicole:
That was a terrible idea.

Alex:
It was it was.

Nicole:
We have children how dare we think we can have a life!

Alex:
Can I just highlight what this morning gave?

Nicole:
Please give, literally just to set the tone. We have a morning routine with handling the baby, let’s let’s lay the groundwork.

Alex:
We have a new morning routine is get up at 7:15. That’s just before/roughly the same time as the baby wakes up. That’s Ally, she’s 11 but we call her the baby. <laughs> So around 7:15 I get breakfast together for us. You know I’ll cook like a breakfast sandwich or some scrambled eggs or whatever. And then she packs her lunch and stuff. And then we go over our Word of the Day where we’re trying to expand our vocabulary.

Nicole:

What’s the word of the day, for everyone who’s trying to learn?

Alex:
We didn’t do one today…

Nicole:

What has it been? Oh, It’s pandemonium.

Alex:

Yes yesterday was pandemonium, which actually described this morning. 

Nicole:
We are equipping our child, a mess.

Alex:

And and then we do about five to 10 minutes or whatever time that we can get in she’s learning French on Duolingo and I’m doing Spanish on Babble and so we’ll get in some language and then we go to school and I get her there in time so she can get in like peacefully, go to her locker, do not rush… And this morning, this morning I wake up at 8:10, 8:10!

Nicole:
First of all, how do we wake up? Tell the truth. It wasn’t an alarm.

Alex:

I woke up just like from like oh my god I need to be up it’s the morning but little did I know my phone was going off, Nicole’s phone was going off, banging on the door, missed FaceTime calls. All these things as we woke up we heard banging on the door and I looked at the clock, it’s 8:10, school starts at 8:30. I was like oh my god missed breakfast, missed our entire morning routine, drag my butt out of bed and got her to school on time like a champ!

Nicole:
Like a champ! Okay, I will say for the record this fella and we’ve been on it okay? Like we usually, we get her out the door and we adjust, we pay attention like what do we need to change the schedule whatever. I mean we just fell apart and it was all because of Halloween! We lied to ourselves. We took her trick or treating and then after we took her trick or treating we were like great she’s in bed it’s like 839, we got time! Let’s just have a cocktail.

Alex:
Let’s go to our local spot…

Nicole:
And visit some friends. It’ll be nice you know not too far away, we got this right? You know, walking distance like just down the block, around the corner. This is gonna be beautiful. Oh every parent relates to this. We messed around and tried to live like the youth and have our own life and we paid for it this morning.

Alex:

My god and it’s good thing we had to talk about like things should go a certain way but sometimes things happens. Adults don’t always do things as it’s supposed to go, just like with the pickup stuff.

Nicole:

And so she was ready.

Alex:

She was ready. So this morning I was like remember when we talked about that things don’t always go according to plan. Thank you for rolling with it.

Nicole:
I love that.

Alex:
We had a whole morning, I totally forgot to set my alarm.

Nicole:

So here we are, here we’re long story to tell you we look terrible this morning.

Alex:
Terrible, I throw on, I have two different socks on. I was just at the doctor’s, rushed over here. They got some blood work. They missed my vein so I got stuck in my right, stuck in my left.

Nicole:

Oh my gosh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know, I didn’t even get to catch up. But y’all know like I am in sweats, no makeup, wig off kilter, eyebrows, I hope they match. They probably look like fraternal twins versus identical twins like it is a mess. So just to let you know, I hope wherever we find you that you are in good condition, because we are a mess.

So, you know, we’re gonna kind of not breeze through this chat, because I’m excited to talk about what we’re going to talk about, because we’ve never discussed it before. But we’re also hungry, and we need to eat something. So just letting you know the energy of it is, if you are in a place where you’re like, let’s get the show on the road, because you have things to do, this is the perfect chat for you.

So the thing I want to talk about is, and the reason why you’re here is two things one, next week, when you listen to the conversation I have on the pod, I’m actually going to be ending this season of the Nicole Walters podcast. Gasp!

So it sounds bigger, I am not ending the podcast, overall, I am shifting the conversation from fresh starts to living boldly. Now, I’m gonna go into detail about that but that also includes having guests, you know, here that I want to make sure every conversation I bring to you is really in alignment with where you are and where I am. And that also means that the Misterfella, who is easily one of the favorite guests that we have…

Alex:
Rightfully so.

Nicole:
Our conversations are going to change here. So they’re going to be more vulnerable, more honest, more deep dives, and some of you will like it, and some of you will not and either way, we will all grow. So we’re going to talk about something very real today that I have learned, that we went through, and people experience from the outside, but you know, we’re going to talk a little bit about it from our side. And I’ll just say it, we worked together for the first time. And I wanted to share with that site, because people always ask me what what is like working with a spouse or a partner? And what does that do for you?

So I’ll kick it off with have you ever worked with because you’re in the industry, have you ever worked with a partner or spouse or well not spouse obviously, a partner or a girlfriend before?

Alex:

On, like, personal projects here and there.

Nicole:
Oh!

Alex:

You know, just like if it was a project I was on, like, past girlfriends might have helped me out with certain aspects of it. But nothing like this.

Nicole:

Nothing like this. So how did that work for you? When you worked with them before? Do you have any thoughts about like, what it’s like to I have tons of thoughts about working with partners, some trauma-based, some legit. So you tell me, what has that been like for you in the past?

Alex:

Well, in the past, I mean, even just working with friends, I’ll even just start there. Like I’ve had past experiences where I was working with friends of mine, like more regularly and a little bit more seriously. And then you kind of get into it, you have disagreements about certain things. And then I mean, long story short, we’re not friends anymore. Right? Like, you know, we did some good music together and whatever. But you know, now we’re not friends. And so since that whole situation, I’m very careful with who I work with, like, whether it be a friend or a spouse or partner or whatever, I’ve always been a little weary since then, because I would rather keep my friendship, I would rather keep my relationship strong than try to, like, not force a work relationship but like, that’s more important to me to keep my personal relationships a friendship, you know, and home life and that’s, that’s the priority.

Nicole:

No, for sure. I feel like a lot of people share that feeling of like, I don’t want to do anything, because the relationship matters a lot, you know, or they’re just doing it for the first time. And they’re like, Oh, it’ll be fine. Why wouldn’t I want to work with my bestie? You know, but then they learn very quickly.

Alex:
It’s very different.

Nicole:
It’s complex, what type of like, what, when did you know it was going bad? Oh, um, whenever you I love the story. I love the choice because I’m gonna let you spell and then I’m gonna say my thing. Listen, when did you know it was going bad in some of these relationships?

Alex:

The one with the friend?

Nicole:
Yeah, any of them.

Alex:
Okay, so that one, for example, it was really just the thing of, you know, we were just kind of starting out and we were kind of like, not using each other but we were like, you know, we filled each other like gaps of knowledge, or ability.

Nicole:
But that’s what everyone says works! People are like, Well, you’re the things that I’m not and…

Alex:
Right. And so the problem is, problems started to arise when I started work with other people as well. It wasn’t just about this relationship. I’m also trying to cultivate other relationships.

Nicole:
Like jealousy?

Alex:
Yeah, maybe a little bit of jealousy or like, you know, not getting not getting all the attention or all the effort. I don’t. I don’t know what it was, but you know, whatever it was, it just became a problem because I’m like, I’m trying to work with many people. So I’m like, if this is an issue, like this is a major issue.

Nicole:
Wow. So this is a different type of mess. I think so for me, the thing that always would come up was more of a that whole thing of Oh, you have these skills, but I have these skills, but we also realize that like you, you maybe aren’t showing up the way you said you would so like for me, it’s always I’m not partner-inclined. Like I don’t like it. I do not like partnerships, mostly because I know my work style and I Know how much we will talk about with, with how we work together, I know my work style, I know who I am, I know how I like to show up. And no one will ever care the way I do about my stuff, right?

So even in my previous marriage, you know, when my my ex would say, we’re partners, you know, like, or I love this partnership, I would always shut that down, I would say this is no, this is not a partnership, this is my company, it’s my business, my name is on it. And people can take that any way they want to. Which preview of next season, we’re keeping it very real avail. You know, people can take that any way they want to, you know, and there are learnings I have from that relationship and how I managed my business and my relationship, you know, what that meant about respect and trust, and all those things. Things that I do not bring into this relationship. So it didn’t, it didn’t even occur to me then how telling it was that I was almost protecting my business from my partner.

And that I did not feel like that was something I wanted at the time, you know, that says more about me than it does about my partner, you know, that I was like, No, you are not in this, you know, if you do work you’re in any capacity is as an employee, here’s your check. This is your role. This is that. And I think on some levels, that was because I wanted to do the thing that you’re talking about, protect the relationship. Where I was, like, if it’s very clear that I am CEO, you are employee, this is what it is here are your tasks and responsibilities, do them or don’t be terminated, you know, then it isn’t a question of, you know, well, I need more time or I need whatever else, but then it doesn’t work because of the relationship, it always gets cloudy.

Alex:
Yeah, that’s a major thing. Like, especially like if you’re working for a friend or a partner, like some people have the attitude that because you’re working for somebody you know, or you’re tight with that you get some slack.

Nicole:
Mm hmm.

Alex:

And that is not the time to try to get that slack. That is the time to work even harder, because you’re working for somebody that you know and care about and love and so you should do your job properly.

Nicole:
Or better!

Alex:
Or even better, I mean, you should always do your job right and properly. But I mean, if especially if it’s somebody that you love or care about your friends with, like you need to work even harder and make sure it’s done. Because that’s how you mess up a relationship. That’s where it goes downhill.

Nicole:
But that’s also a major difference in opinion and work styles and work ethic to begin with because I think there’s so many people out there who have even employees. I struggle with this where people will work with me, and they’ll know that Nicole Walters on social media, who is grace-filled, and hugs and love and all that who is I mean, you can attest to this very much who I am. But the work-Nicole still has obligations and bills, it’s different, you know, and I think that family members get that confused. You know, spouses and partners will get that confused, and just strangers. I have stopped hiring anyone who has ever signed up for a course with me or has worked with me before because the mental shift and the expectation from enjoying the outcome of the product versus being part of making the product. People never know what it takes. And it’s not their job to understand it. You know, it really isn’t.

Alex:
That’s a big one.

Nicole:
So let’s talk about what it took for us to work together because I gotta tell you, I didn’t want to do it. I was scared.

Alex:

Yeah, I mean, I bet. It was new territory.

Nicole:
Were you scared? Were you worried about it?

Alex:
Well no, because I know how I operate.

Nicole:
<laughs> So like, you weren’t scared of me? You weren’t like, Oh, what if this girl…

Alex:
I know how to handle you. <laughs>

Nicole:

Okay. Okay, so y’all we just finished, came back only probably like 12, 15 days ago. It’s not long ago from the Nothing is Missing book tour. So if you have been keeping up around social at Nicole Walters, you know that I just released the New York Times best selling book, USA Today best selling, Book Publisher Weekly best selling book… Nothing is Missing. And I’m so grateful, it’s my memoir. But I had the opportunity to meet so many of you across the nation in our nationwide tour. And in order to facilitate and be at that tour, I had a team with me on the ground, which was a blessing. But part of that team for the very first time was my partner Alex, who was there as tour manager on the ground. So he coordinated my drivers, my calls, check ins, flights, just all these logistics around just making sure I was where I needed to be when I needed to be there and fed, dressed, ready to go and that, you know, glam. I mean, literally, he just made sure that all I had to worry about was serving and serving well. So thank you for that by the way.

Alex:
You’re welcome.

Nicole:
I love you. I love you and you’re so great. But that said it was the first time we’ve ever worked together and we decided to jump right in and be together for like 10 days straight. So truth moment, what do you think? How was it for you?

Alex:
It was fine. I mean, there’s definitely…

Nicole:
Not fine!

Alex:
It was fine. It was great. I mean, it was fun.

Nicole:

No, no honest answer. Not it was the best time of my life, God, it was amazing. I was just in awe of how amazing you are now, and this is why I love you because you told me the truth people don’t even know like, the way you challenge me and like, go ahead. Okay, so how’d it go?

Alex:
No, it was amazing. I mean, everything was very went, like, relatively smooth and everyone was happy.

Nicole:

We’re telling the truth, this is leaning into the truth. We had bumps, there was stuff that came up during that tour that filled the room. You know, we don’t have to go into detail around what that is because I’m going to talk about that next season in a very pointed way, you know, but there were things that came up.

Alex:
Yeah there, there were things that came up.

Nicole:
Divorce related things, kid related things, it was stressful.

Alex:
So I’ll separate the two because as far as the tour itself, and how things ran as like the job, everything ran like pretty, pretty smooth. There was a little bit of tardiness, there was a little bit of like flexibility in terms of scheduling. But like everything ran really, really well. All the events were super successful.

Nicole:
The team was tight.

Alex:
The team was tight. There were bumps along the way on a personal level, like in our personal life.

Nicole:

Isn’t that what causes a problem? The personal stuff, right?

Alex:

That’s what caused like, some bumps with scheduling or like, whatever. But um, the main thing that I had to navigate on my side was when to push you, when to let it be, when to say something. And know what gaps to fill, and when to just let it be. Like those are, I mean, it’s a little bit complex.

Nicole:

Talk about it, just be honest. So what’s that like, because I have an idea of I know what it’s like to be me inside my body. Right? I know what I think is difficult about me. But I also know, and I say difficult honestly, I know what’s great about me too, you know, like, I know how I show up and what’s required. But from the outside, I’d love to hear like kind of one, you did an excellent job.

Alex:
Thank you.

Nicole:
I mean, I felt loved, I felt cared for, I felt safe. I felt protected, I felt prioritized, you know, when I needed to be prioritized. And I’m grateful because there’s an intentionality. And a, I don’t want to use the self-sacrifice, but you were willing to put yourself second to assure the needs of the season, because it ultimately helps our family in general. So I just really love and appreciate you for that. Because I’ve never experienced that before. So thank you. But that said, I know there were times where it wasn’t easy. So let’s talk a little bit about what I’m like behind the scenes on tour because people only know what I am when I show up.

Alex:

Right. So talking about those differences, like Yeah, you are very, like you said, grace-filled and kind and happy. And blah, blah, blah, and all those great things when it comes to work and business and scheduling and professionalism and all these things, I mean, you are like, what you’re very on it, like, and you take it really seriously. And you should.

Nicole:
Like near tears seriousness.

Alex:
And yeah, very serious because you know, I don’t know if it’s from your own personal trauma or wherever it comes from.

Nicole:
We’ll break that down next season. Some of it is anxiety.

Alex:

Sure, just because you don’t want the one thing you mess up on to create some kind of trickle down effect and all the other things to follow, which I totally understand what to let people down, no one to let people down. And I understand when you are like the star, like this is this tour is, you’re the star of this tour.

Nicole:

I would say I’m the lead. The star of the tour is my community, you know, to me.

Alex:
So you’re the lead.

Nicole:
So the truth is no matter what goes wrong, I don’t do anything without a whole team behind me. But people will say it’s Nicole that didn’t do it. And I’m just very aware of that. I don’t want to let people down, you know?

Alex:
I understand the stress because even in a company, it all falls down to the CEO, even if there was just some lower level employee that did something you know, so I totally get it, it all falls on your head. But you like handled everything really great. And but…

Nicole:
I think you’re being generous.

Alex:
You do take things very seriously. And I knew coming into this that I needed to match that energy. Because we weren’t here to play around or play nice. We’re here to get the job done. And you never see me and I, as a musician, I’ve gone on tour, I’m used to running like falling itineraries and like knowing what’s going on. And like we’ve talked about, I’m always the one that if nobody steps up to the plate to just handle it, I will always be the one. So I’m not a stranger to like stepping into any kind of leadership roles or coordinating or whatever.

So I knew that this time and we’ve talked about even when I go into when I go into performances, you know, and we’ve gotten to like little tiffs or like whatever and talk about it. Yeah, and you know, we’ve gotten a little fights on the way to a performance of mine or something and I’m like, I don’t like to go into a performance with bad energy or feeling. You know, any kind of stiffness or stress or whatever, you want to go in feeling good.

And so like, I know that mentality of it. So even if I had something to say to you, I would phrase it in a delicate way, or I would time because I know you, if I stress on time, if I like, bring that stressful energy, it will stress you out. And that will affect how fast you get ready, that will affect the energy in the car on the way to the event, and subsequently affect the event itself. And so even starting from like, hey, it’s kind of getting close to that time. Let’s go, you know, let’s get your hair together. And let’s get dressed. And you know, let’s go.

Nicole:

That is very much how you talk to me on tour. So let’s just be honest, so what is it like, I think I know the answer to this, you know how I am when I’m getting ready. Once I’ve kind of gotten into getting ready mode.

Alex:
Oh yeah, don’t talk to her.

Nicole:
At all. Because if you talk to me or ask me questions, or whatever, we’re slowing down the whole process. Let me just do what I got to do so you can get out the door so that I can be close to that time. Right? So what’s interesting to me is we in the grand scheme, like having come out of a 12 year marriage, you don’t I mean, like and feeling like just gonna listen, we just gonna say it. Having come out of a 12 year marriage and feeling like I don’t know if I was ever married to someone who knew me at all. It definitely doesn’t know the me that is sitting here today, like has no clue who I am. It’s so interesting being with someone who I feel really knows how to read me, knows how to understand me, knows how to see me. And as a gift as a privilege as an honor adapts to me because you don’t have to. And in certain circumstances, how do you think you’ve got like that?

Alex:

Well, it was interesting. I remember, I think I brought it up to you before, but I’ll say it here. I think it was the Houston event. Might have been Houston. Anyway, I met somebody at one of the events. And you know, and you had said something during that event where you said you need to surround yourself with people who will give, because if you’re a giver, you’re just gonna give, give, give until you have nothing left. Right? And so it was I kind of have that in mind a lot that like, especially on that tour, where you are giving so much to the people around you, your team, like all the people who attended the events, like all the people who are running the venues, like, you know, you’re giving all this energy, and it’s no sleep, and it’s all this and it’s like no food, you know, it’s just hustle. 

And so you give so much to everybody around you, I was trying to give some back to you, you know, to give what I could so whether it be make sure that you ate, like baby we have to go to sleep, or we are screwed. You know, now, it’s a couple hours here, a few hours on the plane to get it in where we can, I’ll grab you a coffee, like, you know, just making sure you sleep, make sure you eat, make sure you run relatively on time, and that you’re comfortable because it is your job in that instance, to do the job, you’re not supposed to have to worry about all this stuff. So I was happy to stand in those gaps for you where I could, you know, and again, you’ve never seen me on tour or anything. So in that mode, I’m like, I know, kind of I have a way better idea like of what needs to get done.

Nicole:
And I’ve always said you’re just very empathetic, like I when I you all you know, you’ll get to know Alex a little more as I as we have additional chats in this next season. And I bring him very specifically to have certain conversations. But Alex is extremely empathetic when I say he truly can see and understand and put himself into other people’s shoes. And I’m so grateful for that, because it allows him to give me very specific grace, not just general grace, you know, it’s understood. I feel very seen and very understood in this partnership. So, you know, with respect to time, you know, I do want to talk about how powerful that was, for me, I’ve never worked with a partner before and a lot of that is because of the fear of Will they understand the safety, will they understand the work ethic, will they understand the need to show up and sometimes shut up, you know, and just get the job done? Will they understand the weight of it, you know, will they match my work ethic, particularly when the outcome is going to feed all parties and you know, in typical employee/employer relationships, that’s an odd thing to expect.

And I think a lot of entrepreneurs struggle with that because you want your team to feel like they are as invested as you are and if there’s anyone listening just let you know that’s not a realistic expectation at all. But in working with a best friend or a spouse or a partner, at minimum you deserve to be seen, you know especially when you’re doing the hard things, you know, and it is knowing when to step back, and when to prioritize yourself and that you can always center yourself. And I’d like to think that I’ve been in your work worlds before, you know, I always try to help you get out the door. And I mean, I don’t know, you could speak to it.

Alex:
Oh, yeah, you’ll like, get me iced coffee, or fill my water bottle or pack me a little snack bag. Because you know, I’m about to make like an hour and a half, two hour drive or something.

Nicole:
And you’ll fight me all along the way.

Alex:
I’ll fight you, or I’ll come home, and then you’ll have some food ready, this amazing dish, put together. It’s like, it’s nice, because like, well, like, we’re both performers. You know, and we both know that after this many hours, after this kind of experience, you are going to be feeling this way.

Nicole:

It’s about making it so that they don’t have to think, wherever you can, because you’ve got no brain cells left.

Alex:
Oh, yeah, just nothing, just brain is mush. So it’s nice to not have to think and there’s food there or like, or there’s, you know, you fill my water or, like, filled it with ice or like just all these little things, but they’re really helpful. And they make a difference throughout the night. You know, like, if, you know, if I go to an event, I didn’t fill my water bottle, or at least put ice in it, you know, I’ll be drinking a bare minimum, you know, room temp water, which isn’t the worst, but I love my cold water.

Nicole:
It’s knowing what your partner needs.

Alex:

And it makes a big difference for me on the gigs. When I’m dancing and moving and I’m hot, I want some cold, frickin water, you know, and then it just does the trick. And then it gets me revitalized and I can do my job better.

Nicole:

And it’s so interesting, because it’s showing up in different ways. So for you, that may seem like a big thing for me, I’m like, it’s such a tiny give. And, you know, for you, you’re like, it doesn’t take much for me to put myself kind of behind and be like, hey, you know, Nicole, I may want to scream this at you but maybe it’s time to go. You know, like, for me that’s so big, because it helps me to show up.

Alex:
And then if it is really getting down to the wire, and I know I’m like, Okay, I need to let you know that I’m serious. I’m like, Hey, for real, yeah, got to go. That’s, you know, he’s a little bit more firm voice with you, but it’s still so kind, it’s not yelling, it’s not trying to stress you out, because I don’t wanna stress you out. But I do want to convey the message.

Nicole:

And so talking about conveying messages, y’all, I’m hoping that you catch the message that we’re sharing here, which is, I used to be of the school of you can’t work with a partner, that just because in my experiences, it wasn’t good. You know, it did not work out. Work ethics wouldn’t match, you know, objectives don’t match, understanding around roles wouldn’t match. And I mean, these are all things that both of us said can be true. But I’m hoping that you extract from this conversation from our book tour experience, for those of you who got to see us in person, you saw the dynamic of it all. So many people are like, boy, do we get you two now that we’ve seen you together.

Alex:

Oh, yeah, people would be like, oh, you’re exactly the same.

Nicole:

Which we’re not, but we are but we’re not.

Alex:
We are but we’re not. We’re not. It’s like, yes, we are those people. You know, it’s not like a thing that’s put on for the internet. It’s not like an act like we are silly, we are fun, like we are just who we are. But there’s also you know, and you can phrase it however you want. But I’ve always said that people are multi-dimensional.

Nicole:
Yeah.

Alex:
And we will have many selves, you’re not just this one thing. Yes, you can be happy and bubbly and whatever. But when it comes to, like, use that, like for business, I mean, you’re very matter of fact, there’s no excuses to not get the work done. Get it done because literally it’s like the attitude of the industry. Like nobody cares about your problems. That’s right, point blank, literally nobody cares, just get the thing done. And that’s just the reality of how it goes.

Nicole:
And you helped me get it done and I’m grateful for that. And and I really hope that anyone who is wondering I’ve evolved and my thoughts around partnership in work and learning more about you know, it’s not just what they do, or or the structure of the business, but it’s also who the person is and I’m just very thankful to you and I think that this has been a useful conversation. I also think that you know, when the time is right we’ll dive more into the breakdown of what that tour was actually like. But I know that for the conversation we’re having here, this was a huge checkmark I think in my internal elevation of our relationship you know, which is wild because we are years into this thing and into this partnership you know, and yet here I am still finding myself, it sounds cheesy to say falling more in love with you but falling deeper in respect and trust and safety with you. And I thought I felt safe before but this was another mark of that.

Alex:

Right because I mean the operating in each other’s backs rises you know it’s like I’ve come in here this is your workspace and this was a big stepping stone but on something like the book tour, meeting all the publishers…

Nicole:
And my people!

Alex:
And your people because the Internet Aunties and I met everybody everywhere and we’re in a work capacity but also you know, interacting with people and whatever and I am you know if anyone is you You know, we should, everyone should be aware that like, whoever you bring along with you to your workplace, yes, and, or to your event or to your house or whatever, they are an extension of you, and they are representative of you. And so the way that I operate on that tour is I am a representative of a view. And so I have to act, you know…

Nicole:

And I love you for that. I’m so grateful for that understanding, and I hope I do and provide that for you as well. And, and I just hope that for those of you who are listening, and maybe reflecting on your current partnerships, you know, and understanding that, however you work together as a reflection of so many other aspects of your life, you know, I really hope that you were able to pull and extract elements, at least, about what works and what doesn’t, you know, and I know, this sounds very, like, you know, hunky dory, you know, super sweet, you know, but I told you about some of our friction moments. And, again, we’ll be back to talk more in the future about some of the bigger things that did occur, because life kept happening while we were on that tour.

So we had some big moments that happened there, in relation to my divorce, in relation to parenting, you know, with my older girls, you know, that we had to handle and boy, did you keep me covered. So there’s so much more coming in this next season that I’m excited about. But thank you so much for one for just being here because I love you. And I think you’re amazing. And I’m just I can’t even believe I know you like I’m so grateful. God is so good. But also for always sharing so openly. I worry about what you’re gonna say sometimes. But not so much here, you kept it real here. And I appreciate that.

Alex:
Of course, the only way to be.

Nicole:
And the aunties love you, officially in person.

Alex:
I love them, too, they’re super nice.

Nicole:
That’s right. All right, y’all, please, please, please, whatever you do, make sure that you are leaving comments and reviews that you are subscribing that you have this under instantly download, you know, there’s like a button you can push at the top of the podcast because next week’s chat is major. It is major because it is going to set the tone of where we are going in the future because we’ve got some big things to do and some big work to do. And this is all based on our conversations on this tour. And some of the learnings, it’s about to get even realer than ever before.

So thank you so much for spending the time here. Just know that you deserve your fresh starts and even more you’re going to be called to live boldly.