The First Date

I didn’t know if I would ever be ready to date but after a year of getting things right within myself, I was ready to explore what it meant to date, again. In this chat I’m sharing how I took my first steps into dating and what I discovered when I hit the dating world.

Friend, thanks for being here through all the seasons. I’m not just sharing these stories because they’re fun to listen to or fun to tell, but because I hope by watching me overcome the hard and look for the joy, it encourages you to give yourself grace when you have to start over in life.

There’s more to this story and I’ll be sharing it in our next chat so come back here next week! Talk to you then friend!

Nicole:
Hey, friend. So I was thinking about this chat as I was driving in and I know that in our last chat, I was talking about what it was like preparing myself for the concept of dating and how it was a two part process. So, oh, heads up. Of course, if you’ve got the tinies or the littles around, this isn’t exactly headphone conversation, like, I’m not going to use any funky language. But, you know, it may bring up things that you might want to chat offline with, with your littles because we are talking about grownup-y things. And if you are a younger folk, meaning millennial or better, I want you to know that this stuff is all stuff you’re going to need.

I gotta tell you, it wasn’t too long ago that I was in your shoes in my late 20s, early 30s. And I like to embrace that I still am there, at least in spirit, you know, it’s the age God wants for me, not just the age that my body is. And, you know, I gotta tell you, life comes at you fast, and it changes even faster. And I never would have guessed I’d be where I am now. So it’s always my hope that everything that I’m sharing here, I’m not just sharing it, because oh my gosh, it’s like juicy or interesting or salacious or fun to follow along with what Nicole is doing, which I do hope that it is fun to kind of see that I’m able to bounce back and that life is still good and rewarding. And that life is still generous, even if it’s complex. But I also hope that in hearing all the stuff I’m going through all the things I’ve done, all the things I’ve overcome, and that I’m still confused and lost and figuring it out in a lot of different ways. It just affords you the opportunity to grant yourself some grace as you start over. Because that’s what this is all about. We’re constantly starting over in life. And I want you to know, it’s something you can do too.

So back to the meat of what I was saying. So, in our last chat, I was telling you that I obviously you know recently divorced, you know, trying to figure out how I can get out there, it took like about a year before I kind of got my mojo back. Mojo meaning my body felt right, both mind health, spirit, all of those things. And I felt like I was in a place where I was willing to sort of embrace others, you know, and interact more, maybe not even on a romantic level. But I was open to the possibility that there could be somebody out there for me?

Because initially, I was like, one, I didn’t even see myself in this position, two heck no, I’m not going to do all of this again, you know, and then three, just you know, being a mom and having a lot of jobs and responsibilities, I just felt like, “Where would I even have the capacity to work with someone else?” So being completely honest, that’s a good thing that I listened to myself, and I took time to focus on myself and be comfortable being alone. That is actually the first step of being good in any relationship.

Before you take a job, you need to make sure you are good. And knowing that your skill sets aren’t enough to keep you supported, and that your work and everything you do is meaningful without the job, you don’t want to be in a job feeling like you have to be there. You know, in a man like that, that is something you have to be good at, you have to be good alone. Same thing with a relationship, a relationship shouldn’t completely which should add to it, it should encourage forward movement, it should amplify your life. Even if it’s hard, it should still feel like it’s a meaningful hard. But it definitely should not be the thing that fixes you or accommodates your gaps or stands in the place of your lack. If you’re feeling that then you need more time alone to figure out how to fill those gaps before expecting someone else to do it. And that was a lot of what that one year plus was for me before I decided to get out into the dating world.

So if you haven’t heard our last chat, definitely listen to it. Because I talked a little bit about that mindset that preparedness honestly, some of the inner ick of feeling like this was never going to happen for me or I wasn’t good enough, or who was going to want someone who had three kids or who was going to want someone who, you know, was a public figure, you know, which, you know, between us, obviously, I’m not fancy pants or whatever. But when you’re Google-able, people think that you’re something or not. And that can be really, really hard. And I’ll talk about that more in a sec. But you know, I talked about that stuff. And it’s important because that is the starting point. But what I want to chat about right now is how I took those first few steps and what I discovered when I hit the dating world.

Y’all, there is pee in the dating pool. I gotta tell you, if there’s anything I’ve ever heard, especially from the married, right, those who are still married out there, they’re like how you doing it because it is different from my day. And I gotta tell you, it’s changing. It feels like month to month, so I’m going to share a couple of things because I’m sure gonna get all the way real real. And this may be a time to earmuff the littles if they’re listening in, I have been shocked at how, let’s just call it biblically open, the world has gotten with their bits. Bits, meaning body bits, and personal detail bits and lifestyle bits and things like that. And I say all this no judgement, right? Because everybody’s got their own thing going, I gotta tell you, even as a mama, I really do not judge how people want to show up in the world because one, we’re so much more than our lowest moment, two we are not defined solely by our jobs, our work, our preferences, those sorts of things. So I just really don’t get caught up in that. And I’m also aware that people evolve.

So whatever you are in front of me today may not be what you are a week from now, right. But all that being said, I remember when we used to keep stuff to ourselves a little bit, you know, what I mean? Like, where it was, you go on a date, and you get to know the person and, and you maybe like, keep some things to yourself, you know, so you are presenting your best foot forward first, you know, but while still assessing the partner, asking questions, but you keep it kind of high level, you know what I mean? Y’all, it’s not like that anymore. And I don’t know if it’s because when you’re meeting someone through church, or through a friend, or at a restaurant, or a supermarket or something that, you know, we may have seen in movies and TV growing up, you do have to kind of start with small talk first. But now because of the internets people put all their business out there. And then you can corroborate that evidence through Google. So it’s different, right, because like, literally, you’ll have someone do a profile, where they’ll say, like, on any of the dating sites, which by the way, like, a lot of people say, online dating is terrible, just throwing a little stat, because, you know, I love date, details and data. But most, 50% of marriages now start with online dating.

So if you’re somebody who said, I can’t do online dating, or I’m not into online dating, I got to let you know that you are knocking your chance of finding a partner down by 50%, if you don’t engage in online dating, because that is how people are finding partners. So just, you know, a little wormy to put in your brain, if you’re, you know, thinking about getting out there, or going out there for the first time. And it is just about finding the platform that works for you, you know, I am partial to like platforms like Bumble, which, you know, is what I actually recommended for my girls, it’s a female driven and lead platform, meaning that while you can match with people, males cannot engage you without you engaging first. And then you have the ability to like block and get rid of them quickly, you know, and the page is a little bit more than a Twitter, two or three lines, swipe situation, you get a little bit more details around them, as well as it encourages and fosters conversation rather than being a site where, you know, it’s kind of like, Hey, what are you doing? What are you into, it’s a little bit more conversational in case that isn’t a natural thing. So that’s part of why I think Bumble was a great platform, not just for me, but one that I recommend for my girls.

And then also Raya, which is, Raya is an approval based platform where if you are a high networth individual or public figure, or a celebrity, you actually have access to this platform, and you have to get approved, you know, to be honest, but if you are approved, you know you have the ability to date, like other people in your similar field of work, is the best way to describe it. So you know, it just and there are lots of platforms that are like that. So I’m not opposed to online dating, but you need to know how to use it, you need to be safe, you need to engage carefully. But all that being said, it’s just weird, the concept of dating is weird. I mean, who on earth ever thought that this was a good idea that you just meet somebody that’s been in the world, your whole life that you’ve never even known. All of a sudden, you’re like, let me meet you in a room privately, to get to know you. And then after like, a couple of weeks, I feel like I know you enough for us to push our mouths together. Or for us to like be in rooms privately together. Like it’s, it’s actually pretty crazy. It’s actually counter to everything we’ve ever learned, like don’t go home with strangers, don’t go places with them. And yet here we are doing all of this stuff in the hopes that we can procreate, it’s crazy.

So just accept that you’re gonna be crazy if ya jump. It was just like, once I got over that part. That was when I realized, Okay, I’m gonna get out there. So I’m getting onto these platforms. And I realized that people are leading with a lot more than they used to. So they’ll tell you right out of the gate, like I’ve got anxiety or, which is fine. You know what I mean? I’ve got anxiety too, if you can’t tell by the cadence of my voice, that I’m a high energy person, you know, prone to anxiety. You know, or people will tell you on, you know, on these dates, like, just their whole family history, or, like I went on a date once with a guy who was literally I think, maybe like my second date ever, like, since I was 22.

So it was my second date in probably 10 plus years, wow I sound 1000 years old. My first date was actually with a guy that I met by accident. And just a this is gonna sound a lot scarier than it is. But you guys know, I travel a lot. So it wasn’t a hotel lobby, but I was there for work, like so skeevy as it sounds, but I bumped into him in the hotel lobby, and it wasn’t a date day, basically, just at the end of the evening, we were like, This is sounding really terrible. You I swear you this is a lot, this is a lot cleaner than it sounds. But at the end of the evening, after we both finished work, we just met up for a drink in the hotel lobby. And then we went to our respective quarters, y’all, I kept it clean. But I’m just saying, you know, that was what I consider my first date, because we spent a lot of time talking. And for me, it was my first time engaging with a male with maybe romantic intentions or like non-platonic intentions since I was married. So I kind of counted it as a date, but it wasn’t like I was like asked out, officially or anything like that. But for me, it felt more like that. And I realized it more after and that went well, I ended up doing a second date with that guy when I came back to Los Angeles, but it he was a little young for me, at the time, he was 31, which is not young, and definitely within the ballpark of appropriate for me to date, but it felt young, just in terms of where he was in his life, in particular, because he was still, you know, he was like figuring out if he wanted to quit his job. And he, you know, was still kind of figuring out where he wanted to show up in life. And, you know, that’s not where I am, you know, like, I know what I’m doing. And like I you know, I know, my passion and my purpose I show up. And so that was sort of the thing that wasn’t the mesh, and it lent itself to me being prone to coaching him. And I had an inclination to do stuff like call him kiddo. And I can tell you right now that that’s not the move ladies. If you’re thinking about dating, getting out there, don’t go on a date and call a guy Hey, kiddo, I really, you know, sounds good kid. Like, that’s not, I’m just gonna let you know right out the gate that never goes well. Even if you have kids around his age, so you know, that are close-ish, because I adopted so that’s possible.

Anyways, anyways, so my second date, I was like, Alright, let me try to do the dating thing. You know, let me get out there, kind of create a profile. So the first part is creating a profile. Now, I gotta tell you, it’s a meat market out there. And don’t let that dissuade you. Because a lot of us feel like, Oh, well, because everything is so visually based with social media and things like that, you gotta like have filters and look a certain way in order to really get someone interested. But I want to tell you, truth moment, there is a lid for every pot. Okay, there is someone out there who is absolutely looking for someone who looks like you, for someone who acts like you, for someone who has everything that you have going on the good, the bad, the ugly, the messy, all of that, what may be the issue standing in your way is that you aren’t willing to look for them, or you aren’t willing to accept what that package looks like. Because you may already have a vision of what you think that needs to be. I actually let go of all that, you know, when I talked about that a touch on my previous chat, I literally was like, I just want to be happy. And I’m looking for someone who can be my friend, and I’m in a new city and it is lonely. And I am not inclined to just hook up with people, that is just not even my makeup. Like not judging those who are have that sort of nature. I’m just saying for me, not my makeup, you know, I’m the type where I’m a couch cuddler and I’m a movie watcher, and I’m a let’s, you know, cook together and do activities and you know, like, I’m a family girl, you know, so it’s like, I just really wanted something more traditional.

So all that being said, profile. So I put my profile out there and fortunately you know, because I’m on the internet. I have lots of photos, but I’m not kidding y’all. I have never in my life felt like I was looking at photos in a whole new way. Ya’ll know what I mean? Like I was literally like, okay, so I probably don’t want this is not the time to put up the funny the photo that I think it’s funny of me and my bonnet and my Walmart Grandma MooMoo? Because that’s comfy. Like, that’s not the look, that’s not the move here. I mean, like, they won’t get my sense of humor around that, like you actually like I literally was like, Oh, I have to put up pictures that would make me appear attractive, you know, to whatever whoever would be attractive, Best Foot Forward sort of sitch and I was like This is so awkward. But you know with the help of some girlfriends so I always encourage y’all to talk to your friends and the marrieds love this. By the way, Mary’s love creating profiles they love swiping through from you for you. They just love it because they don’t do it. So they’re like, oh my gosh, this is so much fun. Let’s get you matched up. So I went ahead and I was able to do you know, create a profile and I can honestly tell you I did not have much difficulty finding matches, and I can also tell you neither will you.

The hardest part is finding matches that you believe are worth pursuing. And that’s where we start getting really critical. And we either cancel ourselves out, or we match with what we think is right for us and what isn’t. So I’m about to truth moment, truthy, truthy, truthy about something about me. So, I’ve always been super inclined. And in all of my dating my first my, my second date, you know, in LA was with a guy who literally on the date was complaining about how his boss is out to get him, which was like, I was like, Oh, your paranoia is showing speller. tuck that away, so not hot. Like, that was like my second date. Trust me. Oh, and then he proceeded to tell me about how like, he was living with his parents and had no intention to move. He was like, 35 years old. And he was and I was like, oh, but like to save money. Because again, I’m not judging. I’m like, is there? What’s the, what’s the goal towards that? And he was like, Nah, like, it’s just a good setup. Is it? A setup for one because you gonna stay single? That was like, where I was with that. So. So yeah, so you know, no second date with that guy.

But I’m telling you, when I put myself out there for these first few dates, the nerves that I had with these profiles, this selection, like I like, and I’m telling the truth, why I’m gonna put yourself out there, I literally was looking for someone that I thought would be like my ex. I’m not kidding. I like which it’s so hard to say this out loud. And I think you guys, for those you guys who have been divorced, or for those of you guys who have been in relationships and have breakups, you know, people say you have a type, right? What happens usually, is that you either find someone who is not your type at all. So you go for the anti, or like, you know, like, if you were dating good guys, you want bad guys, if you’re dating guys who touches you want guys nothing like clean cut, whatever, you know, or you go for the same thing over and over and over again. It’s like a learned behavior. And y’all I’m not gonna lie to you. Like, I literally was like, I want someone who’s like introverted and in a professional field, and who, you know, seems kind of mild mannered. And because in my head, I was like, that’s what matches my personality, at least I thought that was what matched my personality. And I say all this now, because I’m in a partnership right now with someone and I have been for several months, who is not any of those things. And boy, are we a very great match. Boy, is it going really well. And, and I just say all

that to let you guys know, you may need if you are struggling with dating, struggling to get out to date, or just struggling in general with even feeling like the market has anything for you, you may need to evaluate dating outside the norm. I want to let you know that a date will not kill you. Going out on one date is just an exploration, you don’t owe anything to anyone to just explore, it is free to try it out. So why won’t you go on one date with something outside your box to determine whether or not that may actually be the box you should be in? And that’s what I learned after striking out so badly, so often.

I kept going on dates with guys who were super introverted and being like, Why are these people boring to me, or going on dates with guys who seem very mild mannered, and realizing that that actually was aligning with them being a lack of ambition, or a lack of drive, or at least enough ambition and drive to match my energy. Or I would go out on dates with these guys that felt like, it was great because they understood that I was a force to reckon with and that I had a strong personality and that I, you know, was definitely like a boss girl, you know, and then being disappointed that they weren’t stepping up or that they didn’t feel like they knew how to take initiative, or they lacked a certain masculinity to match my femininity that I still wanted to embrace, even though I was a woman who absolutely did not have a need for a man, but I wanted a one. And y’all ladies know what I’m saying without me having to go into detail on that one. I know just collective room. Right?

So all that being said, here, I was dating a lot of the same and striking out because it’s not what I needed. But it was sure enough, what I swore up and down was what I wanted. And so finally, I just end up going on a dating hiatus where I was like, and I’m done. Like, I can’t do this. But I will tell you, to my credit. One of the things that was great about dating was I made a lot of friends because also I’m friendly, right? Like I just like people in general. So as I was going on these dates, I was meeting great people, really awesome people like I you know, babysit some of their dogs. Now. I go to their birthday parties. Like I have a great friend network in Los Angeles. And some of that was birthed from the people that I had gone on dates with and met their friends and things like it was just, it’s a really great thing. So shout out to those fellas who are listening to the podcast, all y’all who didn’t work out, you know, who are still my friends. Here’s a shout out to you. Because I didn’t because I’m gonna send this to you for you to listen to. It may not have worked with us. But I also think that you’re amazing. And I’m glad we’re still friends.

But all that being said, you know, what finally happened was I kind of went on a hiatus. I was like, I’m just not going to date. You know what I mean? I think some of you may be in that window now, or some of you may not be it like, it’s just it’s crud out there. I can’t do it. But after that hiatus, here’s what happened. I said, if I’m going to make this work, I’m going to do it differently. Are you hearing what I’m saying? Y’all, whether it’s in relationships, or in business, or in life, if you keep taking breaks to step back from something then re-entering them with the same spirit, the same plan and the same energy? Why the heck are you shocked that you keep getting the same results? When are you going to say to yourself, okay, if I’m going to re enter this, I’m going to do it with something new. And that’s exactly what I did. I said, You know what, I’m going to step back from this, but when I come back, I’m going to do it differently.

So doing it differently can look like a lot of things, y’all, it can look like, I’m going to work out and change my body, because I feel like that’s gonna get me different results. When I get back out there, I’m going to go and see a stylist, and figure out my clothes and refresh my look, because I’ve been getting the same haircut since 1982. You know what I mean? It could, it could mean I’m going to go and take classes on being more conversational, I’m going to go learn a skill, I’m going to stop accepting the Netflix and chill date. And I’m going to start insisting on us going to bowling or an activity or cooking class. I’m going to ask out the person that I want to date, rather than waiting for them to ask me out.

I mean, whatever it is, if you’re not trying something new, don’t be surprised that you keep ending up at the same place. And that’s what I did. I said, You know what, I keep dating the same, I’m going to look for someone who is different from my ex, the wasband. I’m going to look for somebody who really does embody some of the attributes, the perfect one in particular, that I never thought would work for me I have never tried before. But I’m interested to see what happens.

And so I looked for somebody who was extroverted. I wanted to see what it would feel like to go on a date with someone and not have to feel like I carried the room. To not have to be the energy, I wanted someone who went in the presence of their spirit, I felt like my spirit could rest. Because they can entertain, they can take it on, they can make decisions. I wanted to see what that would be like. And that’s what I started looking for. So what does that mean, on the profiles, I started going on dates with guys who, you know, that manifests in a lot of different ways. Some of them had very strong spirits, and they were more of the toxic masculinity type. And that just wasn’t a fit for me. Or they had strong spirits and they were looking for someone maybe a little more docile or more of a timid woman. And y’all know that ain’t me, that’s not this energy, and it wasn’t a match. And that was okay. But what I also was learning was, there’s a whole window of fella out there that I was not paying attention to not embracing, but there was an energy that was right on the money. And it actually encouraged me to keep looking because I was like, I think I’m finally headed down the right path.

And it was in that path that I ended up meeting somebody special. And it’s crazy, because I went ahead and I saw this person’s profile and we met in 2021. And we started chatting, and I try not to chat too long online, because like, what is even the point? Are we going to meet in real life or not, right? I just wanted to chat long enough to get a feel for you, run a little light background check, do a little like googling kind of figure out your blood type, your DNA, your credit report. Kidding, kidding, kidding. But also maybe not kidding, all the way. But some kidding, you know, just enough to see who you are, and then go on that date. And what’s great was, we had a little bit of that chatting, it was kind of over the holiday season of 2021. So that put me in a position where we couldn’t really get together because we all had so much stuff going on. But then on top of the year, randomly, I was getting ready to hang out with another friend. And that friend canceled. And in LA that happens all the time. People literally don’t make plans until the day of delivery, like call you at the day and be like so what are we doing tonight? And then they’ll call you an hour before and be like, are we still doing it? Like it’s it’s so annoying. But it’s also again, I think, a generational shift that’s happened now. Because back in my day, you had to stick to plans because you called people before you left the house and there wasn’t a phone again, until you got there.

I’m showing my age, but I’m telling you like now people will be like, I will text you be like I didn’t make it you know, it’s crazy. Or I had my location on, you should have known I wasn’t coming. It’s a different energy. But, but yeah, so like the person, you know, said that they couldn’t make it. And so I was like, I still kind of want to go out like I’m still ready and like this what I want to do. And then I remembered I’ve been, you know, talking to this fella, you know, and I hadn’t, we hadn’t locked anything down. So I was like, you know what, I’m gonna be a little LA right now. Let me just go ahead and give him a call and say, Hey, if you’re free, let’s hang out, you know, like, if you’re free, let’s do it. And so I called him up and I said, Hey, you know, I know that we’ve been doing a lot of back. Oh gosh, it was it’s crazy. I don’t know if you can tell. I’m literally getting butterflies about it thinking about it. It’s the craziness because I’m feeling the feeling I felt in that first moment. So I also want you to know, when he starts stepping outside of the box, it’s going to feel weird, your body’s still going to tell you that it’s there’s nerves, and there’s excitement and there’s awkwardness, and all those feels are still going to be there. Because that’s normal. That’s part of it. But I also want you to know that that’s all part of the beginning of something that could be great. You know, so don’t ever feel like, Oh, you shouldn’t do things. If it doesn’t excite you. If it doesn’t create something in your body, then what the heck are you doing anyways? Right, because life is for the living. And that is a feeling of being alive.

And so, yeah, so I called and I was like, hey, you know, I know, we’ve been chatting back and forth. And we were talking about, like, kind of syncing up schedules. And I actually have an opening tonight. And if you’re free, you know, do you want to just grab a bite to eat and, you know, do something tonight? And he was like, actually, I am free. And I was like, great, cool. Let’s do it. You know, I was like, I’ll let you pick somewhere and text me and I will just plan to meet tonight. I think we met at like seven or something like that. And, and he was like, Okay, sounds good. And he texted me. And I remember getting home and being like, just low level excited, but also totally kind of like anything could happen, because I just had spent so much time striking out and I just wasn’t sure but I knew that like, Okay, well, this is I also thought he was very good looking. I was like, at minimum, I’ll get to enjoy the visual representation of God’s great work in the accompaniment of a delicious meal. So, you know, all is not lost.

So I, you know, just got ready. I recall very vividly not trying that hard. I remember being like, I’m just gonna throw on a shirt. Like, I was like, I’m running late. I’m not even gonna, like worry about too much makeup. I would because I you know, just frankly, I was like, I’m old. Y’all know me. I’m like, after a certain point, I’m like, Y’all go, you don’t get what you’re gonna get it just split. It is better. Let me set that bar good and low. So I don’t have a pedestal to fall from. So but you know, he saw my profile pictures. He knows what the potential is. He knows what the possibility is. He knows what I can aspire to. So let me just go ahead and give him a little bit of real life. You know, he’s just such a mess, y’all. But yeah, so I went ahead and I got ready and then went out. And I actually was a few minutes late, and I’ll never forget walking in seeing him. Having him look at me. I’m thinking, Gosh, that guy has like a killer smile. Like his energy was so bright. And it was so bright. I want sunglasses, y’all, I sat down and I’m not even kidding.

When I sat down on that date, the first thing I thought to myself was he’s kind of a lot. Which, between us friends. Just let’s just want to lean in on this one. I know I’m a lot. How dare I? How dare Nicole Walters even say somebody else’s a lot. She has a lot of hutzpah, right to even sit here and be like somebody else’s a lot. It’s too much for her. Like the goal of it. All right. I’m a lot. I’m y’all. I’m the worst. So I sit down like he’s a lot. And I’m not kidding. First thing he says is like, yeah, you know, I knew that you’re a few minutes late. So I just kind of ordered some basic things just in case you got here and you’re already hungry. You know, so I just ordered some things just so that that way, you wouldn’t have to wait. Y’all, I remember thinking to myself, boy, that was really thoughtful. You know, and having been in previous partnerships where you know, thoughtfulness was not a priority, I was really impressed by the fact that he was thinking of me, before he knew me. And that said a lot about his character, because he had no idea how this date would turn out. However, he was still doing something that was kind and thoughtful. And it was something that like, was a mental note for me on my personal list of what I’m looking for in an ex partner, one that prioritizes me, one that, you know, is thoughtful and reflective and one that their character is consistent no matter who they’re with.

So people can have a consistent character of being a total douchebag like that’s a real thing. But a character where if I talk to your friends who have known you for 20 years, or like that’s who they are, because that’s something that honestly I can say, I bring to the table. People who have known me for years, like literally you can google articles about me from my teachers talking about me in high school who were saying we are not surprised that Nicole is where she is, who she is, how she helps people and how she shows up because she literally was this person when she was little. I have essays that I wrote in 10th grade that where I talk about wanting to be a mom who like helps the world view it like it’s just like that is my hardwiring. And so it’s something that I know now to look for that I didn’t know so much at 22 I thought that relationships were more bullet pointed like he got a job you know, what’s his like? You know, is he going to show up? Is he nice? Is he hot? Like things like that? Now I’m like, What do people say about you when you leave the room? You know, how do you show up to your jobs and your work? Do you phone it in? Do you have proper work ethic? How do you respond to hardships because These are the real questions that you need to figure out about someone if you decide you’re going to commit to them. And even if the partnership lasts five years, like, do you want to be with someone for five years, who stalls your forward movement in life? Or do you want to be with someone who, you know, stalls? Or is a wait, you know, let’s talk about that, that you’re dragging through life? Or do you want to be with someone who amplifies that, or at least in moments when you’re operating alone, supports you, you know, and helps, like, nurture you and nourish you, you know, so I’m sitting down with obviously a long list, y’all, you know, he didn’t know that was in my head, but it was when I sat sat down.

And, you know, like that first action, I felt that it spoke to his character, not just in relation to me, but his character as a person. And no one had done that before. And I just, I appreciate it, because the type of thing I would have done, so I just really was like, okay, cool. He’s meeting me at least with some energy that I think is similar to my own. But then, you know, he’s like, doing this weird thing where he laughs at the every at the end of every sentence. And I was like, maybe he’s just uncomfortable. I know, now, months in that’s just how he is, and it doesn’t bother me anymore. And I just think it’s like, I think it’s cute. Like so first and foremost, you know, again, just like I’m telling you, there’s a lid for every pot, your very quirks are the things that your partner, your person, your perfect partner is going to think our delights, you know, so as much as you may think there are things about you like, oh, that scar on my face, oh, that I have a weird lisp, or Oh, blob, whatever it is, that your partner is going to think that thing is, is just amazing. It’s the thing, they’re not going to want to change about you. So know that there is someone out there who’s gonna want you as you are.

So I am, you know, sitting across it, I’m just I’m not kidding, probably, like 5-10 minutes. And I was like, I don’t know, if I’m that interested. He’s kind of a lot, and I’m kind of tired. And maybe it’s time for me to go. And I’m not kidding, that was the energy I was bringing. But you know, the food was good. We were having sushi, the food was good. And, you know, I was already out. Y’all know that energy. I’m already out, I’m already dressed might as well. And so I just ended up sticking it out. And the conversation was easy. It was really good. And, um, but I’m not kidding, I definitely had a moment I was like, should I just say, hey we’re not connecting, we should go? Which, by the way, people don’t know, you can do that in a date. You can, you know, if you’re a younger folk listen to this, it’s you don’t have your time is valuable. You know, obviously, as a woman, we have to be careful of our safety because not all men respond well to, to rejection, which is not our problem or our fault, but we still need to protect ourselves, sadly, and women have, you know, women that are raising sons, obviously, it’s you know, we got to raise our sons to know that they have to respect women, you know, when they say no, in all capacities, ways, shapes and forms, that it is not our job to manage that. But it doesn’t change the fact that we still got to keep ourselves safe, as frustrating as that may be.

So all that being said, you know, it doesn’t change our autonomy to be able to say, you know, you’re great, that’s all great, but I may want to step out, and I’ve done that a couple times. So because, you know, my time is valuable. And I also want to respect people and not mislead them. So, but all that said, I was getting a little bit of that five, just because I guess I was just being kind of crotchety about it, you know, like, homogeny, you know, about my my tude because I was like, I don’t know, he seems like a lot, but I stuck it out. And I stuck it out but it was it was going pretty well. Like we were talking was easy. It was fine. You know, so funny part is, if you ask him, he would tell you that this was the best day he’d ever been on. And he was like, the conversation was so easy. And you were so delightful. You’re so pretty and blah, but like saying all these things. But it was just funny because you know, I was not matching that same energy. And y’all ladies already know, we can put on, we can be on dates, and they will never know that we’re not feeling it. Because we do know how to put on if we have to, you know, and I wouldn’t say I was doing all of that at all. Like, it was very natural for me because I did, I liked him. I just was catching like friend vibes versus romantic vibes, you know, right away, even though I felt like he was attractive.

So before I move on, I want to call this out because it’s important. I want you guys to write this down. If you’re taking notes or mental notes about it. That’s one of the things that I’m learning about dating and new partnerships and seeking a partnership that really honors the person that I am completely, it’s that I wasn’t looking for a partner, I ended up finding a friend, but a friend that I was like romantically attracted to, and all of that emotion and that connection was so different from me at 22. And it was so different from what I thought I needed, even if I had been single at 27, I still wouldn’t have known to look for that. And part of me wonders, you know, if I was 45 would I’d be looking for, I don’t know, you know, but I will tell you that in this season of my life, you know, knocking on somebody’s door, like it was very easy for me to recognize that the balance of what I was feeling wasn’t a romantic lust-filled hormonal connection, you know, at least that solely you know, and it wasn’t just a platonic friend vibes sort of relationship. It was a mixture of the two that felt healthy and balanced, where you were like, This is someone I want more than a friendship with. But my goodness, I want them around, I want them around, I want to know things about them, I, I’m interested and it just felt unfamiliar.

So if you’re feeling something like that, I want you to know that, you know, that may be one of the signs that it is something to pursue, that it may not look like either TV romance, and it may not look like previous romance, but it is something. Don’t ignore that just because it’s different. So, um, so I didn’t, I didn’t ignore it. And the date continued. And it was really, really great. And after that first date, I remember, I obviously went back to our respective, I shouldn’t say, obviously, some people do go home together at the end of the first date. I don’t, and I didn’t, but we and that’s not a judgment, just a choice. But I went to my respective home and he went to his respective home, but he called to, you know, make sure I made it home and all that which, again, thoughtful, respectful, and all that. But we ended up talking on the phone for six hours that night. And it was like we just didn’t get off the phone, you know, and, and it was so easy and it was so natural. And I don’t even remember what we talked about being completely honest. I remember we laughed a lot. And it wasn’t like put on, it was like full on belly laughs. And I woke up tired the next day, and it was the best type of tired. Where I was almost in a daze of like, what happened to me. You know, like what happened, you know, and it was dizzying, and it was exciting. And I knew I wanted to see this person again. But it also still felt healthy. Like it felt like

I’m excited to explore this. I’m optimistic. And this is something that feels positive, but it didn’t feel artificial. It didn’t feel put on. I didn’t feel any of the, “Should I text them or should I not text them?” Because I felt like if I text them, I know this, this person is matching my energy. They’re giving what I’m like I’m getting what I’m giving, they want to hear from me. You know, I’ve never felt any of that weird. Is it texting too much? Is it calling too much? Am I interacting too much? I didn’t feel any of that from day one. I didn’t feel like I had to play any of the wait three days, wait a couple hours, whatever. If I wanted to see you, I want to see you. And the same thing applied to him one of my good friends Demetria Lucas always says interested men act interested. Interested men act interested. So what I knew from that very first date, that very first moment with this guy was that he was interested, and so was I. And that was the beginning of everything. And I can’t wait to talk to you more about what that everything is. And I also can’t wait for you to meet him. More on that next.

In this episode, we chat about:

• How I took my first steps into dating,
• What I discovered when I hit the dating world,
• Why I took a step back at one point,
• What I’m doing differently this time, and
• Why I went on a date with someone who had a character trait that I thought would NEVER work

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss our last chat about how I got ready to date
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Are YOU ready to date?

This season we’ve chatted about starting over in a lot of ways but in this episode I’m sharing how I became ready to date again (after 12 years!)

Grab your ginger ale friend because are really talking about my business in this one! I’m answering your questions around how I knew I was ready and how I approached dating to begin with.

I’ve been told a lot of what I’m experiencing is common so I’m hoping it meets you where you are. Regardless of where you are in your relationship status, thank you for being here and encouraging me like you have! Let’s keep this conversation going over on Instagram @nicolewalters. 

Talk soon friend!

Nicole:
Hey, friend, we have been having so many powerful chats, week after week here. I mean, some of them have been great, because I’ve been able to introduce you to some of my friends and some of the people I’ve worked with, and some of my clients and just people who I know are out there doing incredible work that you may not be hearing about, but you should know. So I’ve loved having those chats. But I’ve also really enjoyed some of our, what I like to call our one to ones, you know, our quick little 20 minutes where I get to kind of update you on where I am what I’m learning, and hopefully give you information that is helpful for you and meets you where you are. And as you know, the theme of this entire season, you know, this entire sort of grouping of chats that we’re having, is starting over, and how we really need to get good at starting over and how life is going to call us to start over whether or not we want to or sometimes by choice, you know, starting over isn’t always negative. Sometimes it’s about having a new baby or choosing a new business idea or getting into a new relationship. You know, there’s a lot of really fun, positive, happy ways that we get to start over. But sometimes it’s also something that is more unexpected and a little bit more challenging, like ending a marriage or ending a friendship or terminating a career, you know, and, or even something as simple as maybe a little neutral like becoming an empty nester having your kids grow up and move out, you know, all those different things are a part of starting over. And I’m just excited because I found that a lot of the lessons are transferable and all the conversation that we’ve been having, the back and forth a few guys reaching out to me and leaving me voicemails and telling me about you know, how a lot of this information is applying in your life, it’s just been really fruitful and helpful for me. And I’m just very grateful to all of you.

And today, what I wanted to talk about is a little bit more sensitive, if you will, it’s I would say for my mom is in the room that this may be a headphone chat, just in case, you’ve got some little little ones, but it’s definitely like, teen, 14 year old and up friendly. Because I am going to talk about more of like relationships and dating and things like that. But you know, we always keep it appropriate around here. But I do want to just give you that heads up. Because for me, it’s also super sensitive, this is a little bit more personal. And I’m still, I usually share my scars and not my scabs. So I like to share things once they’ve healed over a little more, even if there’s still marks around them, not when they’re still fresh. But I have a feeling that the season I’m in right now, in relation to this, is just gonna be fresh for a while and I just want to be honest with you about it.

If you’ve listened to episode one of season three, you already know that I parted ways with my was-band. And you know, I’m currently bicoastal. So I live in LA and Atlanta with my babies. And I am doing the single woman thing, if you will. But if you’ve been watching a little closely over the past couple months, you also know that I have recently re-entered the dating pool. And it’s interesting because it was something that I did not anticipate. And it wasn’t something I was seeking out and frankly like just to be really honest, I wanted to talk a little bit about this. And I’m going to talk about it as much as I can in different ways, because it’s a bigger issue. And I know it’s different for everyone. But everyone always wants to know, what is that like? Do you even consider any what? Like, what are the feelings and what I want to share is kind of what I’ve experienced.

I’ve been told a lot of what I’m experiencing is kind of textbook. And so I’m hoping it meets you where you are, if you either are still in a relationship, but thinking of exiting and worried about some of these things, if you are recently out of a relationship, and you’re wondering if this makes sense for you, if you’re just one of my internet besties and you’re worried or wondering how I’m doing like, I’m happy to I’m going to talk about some of this stuff now. So this episode is all about the before, of getting ready to date, and what that means and what that was like sort of even putting on my single girl hat after being a wife for 12 years. So what you may not know is that I got married superduper young, wow, it feels weird, because I’m about to I’m about to talk my business, right? We’re about to talk my business for real. This is a real like, home girl, we’re sitting down, we’re gonna chat chat, because you guys made I don’t really talk about this type of stuff. I talk about in my book a good bit, you guys will see that come out at the top of next year. But you know, I guess we just doing it. So grab your ginger ale girl because we bout to chat.

So, I met the was-band when I was 22. And I was married by 23. And I know that some people get married at 18 or 19, or they’ve known their highschool sweethearts and all that. But I mean, we met when I was 22 and we were engaged within six months. And the was-band is actually a little over six years older than me. So we had like, you know, some good space in between us. And what’s interesting. Now, you know, obviously hindsight, like I’m almost 40. So like hindsight, looking back, I think about the fact that I have two girls that are the age that I was when I got married, you know, I have Midtiny is 20, BigTiny is 23. And I’m like, Oh, heck no, like, I can’t even get mid tiny, like, move up my house. You know what I mean? Like, she is like, No, I’m under your mom, like, Are you kidding me? You know, big tiny is, you know, probably nine months sober and you know, doing really well, you know, entering the world, but my gosh, marriage, hardly even on the plate. And I’m just like, what was I thinking? Like, my first thought going back to all that was, what was I thinking getting married at, like 22 to 23. Like, and I know that part of that was my checklist-ness, if you will, where I felt like this is, you know, this is something that I’ve really shed, you know, over the past couple of years with this sort of idea that I have to be a certain way and there are certain marks that I must hit.

So for me a lot of it was go to school, get the job, make this money, buy, get married, buy a house, have a baby, like this sort of general, like, you know, hit these marks because that’s what you’re supposed to do. And so I had entered that phase, I guess where it was like, you know, 22, 23 is like you’re out of college, whatever. And you’re like, Okay, I need to find my mate. Because that’s the next thing that you do to start building the life. I also had the mindset that I couldn’t start building the life without a mate. So how on earth would I get a house or do the next thing if I didn’t find my mate? I have to let you know. And it’s fun to talk about now. And you know, I know that this is maybe you can hear me smiling. So this is sort of the prequel sequel. No, that’s not the word. Spoiler alert. That’s the word, it’s sort of the spoiler alert, if you will, but I have love in my life now. And now that I know what I have, I didn’t realize that I didn’t have it before. So that’s why you hear the smile in my voice a little bit. But I was not aware of how important love was in finding a partner. It’s hard to say out loud, but it’s true.

I really thought that love was something that grew over time. And this is something I’ve heard is a common thought that, Oh, it’ll happen, it’ll grow it’s about finding someone who matches on a lot of bullet points are compatible with and that love you know, if you feel some inclination towards it, it will grow and mature as you experience and do things and and that it matters more that you’re able to be compatible, because love will vary and wane over time. And also, you know, and again, I talked about this in detail in my book, I did not grow up in a home where love was heavily present and you know, culturally, partnerships within the Ghanaian community, you know, not to say they’re devoid of love. There’s obviously like, you know, lots of love partnerships, but there’s also a practicality about a lot of relationships in our culture where they are, you know, you want to be sensible and you want to marry someone who’s like well to do and has their things together and you know, stuff like that and you also need to come to the table in a like minded way.

So when I met, you know, my was-band, like he was great on paper, I was attracted to him. And he was very different than people I dated before. And in my book, I talk about, you know, some of the relationships I was in prior to him between the ages of 19 to 22, that were, you know, physically abusive, that were emotionally abusive, that were financially abusive, and, you know, and just really meeting someone who seemed mild mannered and to sort of be the counterpart to my high energy self, while also it felt like gave me a lot of space to be and dream and do. I just was like, this is great. You know, I’d rather be with someone who seems like they don’t do too much, you know, then be with someone who does too much, because I experienced the other side of it, you know, 22 year old self.

So fast forward married for 12 years. Because also, I’m not a quitter, you know, just so you know, like, I never ever in a billion years thought I’d be getting divorced, because I just, everything is just a problem to be solved in my brain, right. But on the other side, Boy, am I glad that, you know, God had different plans for me, because now I think I’m really shaping a life that is going to be just so flippin beautiful. But that said, I just didn’t expect any of this. So what’s crazy is, I have not been single, getting back to now we’re fast forwarding to real time, I have not been single since I was 22. And y’all know, dating at 22 is so different than when you’re an adult. So for those of you guys who got married in your 30s, or in your late 20s, or in your mid 30s, or are remarried, you know so much more about yourself, like what! Like I know what I like, I’ve accomplished goals, I have failed things before I have succeeded at things. There are things that I am not looking for in a partner because I know how to provide them for myself.

There are things that I am expecting in a partner and boundaries, I noticed that because I know what I require in order to function at my best. I know what it’s like to truly, especially now as a woman who is, you know, a multimillionaire and has corporations and has had the ability to literally, I have lived a whole life already. I’ve had three kids, I’ve sent kids to prom, to college to driving, like I’ve done all of the things. I’ve had a full 7000 square foot house, big old house, made all this money, I’ve lived a whole life. And I have closed a whole chapter. So it’s like, I’m literally not even 40 yet. And I’ve had a whole life and whole family. Like I literally could just start over. It is the weirdest place I could have ever imagined myself. Like, it’s bananas.

But what I can tell you about it that’s cool is when I finally was ready to date, I was like, I don’t need anything but somebody that I know will help me grow in the areas I need to grow, challenge me to be my best self, love me, you know, and nurture me, you know, where I need nurtured and who I can lend my gifts to so that collectively, we can really show up in this world in a great way. You all when I tell you, that is not how I was dating at 22. You know, I was like, I need someone who like I can, like do dishes with and who like when we bought a house. It was just like we it was more perfunctory. It was odd.

So all that being said, when I first separated from my marriage, and unexpectedly so, I remember thinking to myself, oh, boy, I’m trying not to like tear up I guess I don’t know, I remember when I left, I remember thinking no one would ever want me. And feeling like I mean, it was even a thought I should stay in this marriage because no one’s gonna want me because I’m old. And I have three kids. And I like have a divorce under my belt. And maybe I should just stay where I am. Because who’s to say that I’m even going to find anyone you know. And it almost, you know, I a couple chats back I talked about how, you know, dealing with the mom guilt around divorce is really hard. And that how that alone can keep you in a relationship that doesn’t serve you or the world, you know, and this was one of the things that I thought would kind of you know, I was like, I don’t know if I want to leave because what if I can’t find anything ever and I’ll just be alone.

And even when I was forced to go, you know, I really quickly had to accept like, look like maybe it’s okay, if you’re alone. As long as you have peace, and as long as you’re safe. And as long as your kids are there like I’ll always have my kids always you know, and as long as you’re able to do work that’s meaningful and you know, maybe like.. I’m not kidding like, and maybe some of this sounds familiar, maybe it doesn’t. But like, maybe love just isn’t for you, you know, maybe that is a thing that is just like people talk about, you know, and it’s just not a real thing, kind of like a unicorn thing, or, you know, it’s like a fairy tale concept, or maybe people are hyping it up, but it’s just not, it’s not all of that, you know, and so and that’s okay, you know, just do you like, I’m still a happy person. And I still, I still feel love in a platonic way, and in a parental way. And in a familiar way, you know, so maybe romantic love just isn’t something that’s going to be in the cards for me.

And, and that was something that I actually had to accept first, as part of my healing process. Because then it allowed me to realize I needed to focus very much on me, like, what type of life would I build, if romantic love wasn’t part of it. And that is something that I just want to throw out there. So that you know, for those you guys were saying yourself, because my first thought was, I will never get married again. I will never have another part. And this is apparently divorce one on one, like, the minute you get out of it, you’re like, I’m never doing this again. Like that is just a very standard feel, like why would I ever want to even tie myself to anyone ever again.

So that was so so me. Also, I was just physically exhausted, mentally exhausted, I was ill, I was sick. You know, I talked about this in episode one, my face was paralyzed, my blood pressure was soaring, like my body was breaking down. So, you know, the last thing on my mind was dating. So once I finally started bouncing back a little bit and building out a new routine. The next thing that happened that I started doing was just really again, loving myself and loving myself meant and in this, you know, it’s kind of sad to say, but in the base form, going to doctor’s visits, and eating well, and exercising and doing yoga three times a week. And I just want you to know that it is not it’s, I would like to throw out this caveat, it is not lost on me that I am very privileged in having the ability to recover from, during this transition, the way that I have not everyone has the money, the flexibility, the space, the time, older children, all of these things are privileges, some of which I’ve worked to earn, but some of which were afforded to me, by my, my place in society, my stature, what have you, you know, so I’m not speaking any of this from a place of, you know, this is what everyone should do and it’s easy, it’s not. These are just the cards that I had in front of me, and I’m fortunate that I got to play them. But that said, I was able to, to really just double down like, obviously, still, you know, got a mom, got to work, you know, all of those things. But in between all of that, I discovered that I like to snowboard, you know, and I learned how to roller skate. And I, you know, went to yoga classes, and I lost another 22 pounds, because for the first time in my life, I’m gyming regularly. And I’ve discovered things like, you know, for 12 years, I didn’t eat Mediterranean food, because in the very beginning of our relationship, it was sort of determined that we don’t like Mediterranean food, but then I discovered I really love a good falafel, you know <laughs.>

I really got to spend time asking myself, How do I want to show up in this world, if a partner is not going to be in the cards for me, and I spent months doing this, like, actually not miss probably the better part of a year, just saying, I’m going to be alone, possibly forever. So I better like the person that I’m with. And if that’s going to be me then I’m gonna be the best me. And that is what I did. And boy was it amazing because what happened was, I realized that that energy attracted people to me. And when I say people, I mean, not just romantic partners, but friendships, you know, I, you know, have been able to strike up conversations with girlfriends in the nail shop, you know, because moving to a new city, I needed girlfriends, you know, and, you know, it’s been awesome, because we now are, we hang out. We talked on the phone for hours, you know, like, I have a little brunch group, you know, like, all these cool things. Because I said to myself, What is my life going to look like? If it is not fixated on a romantic relationship and serving a family? You know, if I still have to show up in this world as me, you know, the best version of it. What does that mean? Who am I? You know, and so, that’s what I did. And what happened was, I met someone, that’s the best way I can describe it. I didn’t expect it.

When I say I was putting myself out there in feeler form. It really just meant that if someone decided to strike up a conversation with me after a certain point, I said, Okay, I will engage in the conversation, but my intent isn’t to develop something romantically because I just don’t know where I am. And so, I did, I went on a couple dates and if you were following on Instagram, you know, it was really hard my very first date that I went on. I remember being so uncomfortable and talking about like my kids and You know, I think it turned into like a coaching session almost where I was like, Well, what’s your purpose? Well, what do you think your dreams are? Well, you can do it. Like I just didn’t, I realized I don’t even know how to interact with people. Like, it was like, what is wrong? I’m so awkward. What do I do with my hands? Like, what do I wear? What is weird?

And then also the whole, like, people date weird now, you know, like, it’s like, it’s online is a huge thing. It’s not like, you know, you don’t necessarily meet through a friend through church. And then like, also dating an older segment, you know, like, some people are really ready to, like, settle down and have families and you may not be in that season right away, especially right after divorce or with kids. You know, it’s just like, there’s just a lot. Also, for me, like, I’m Google trouble, you know, and that is really different to because we all first of all, let’s just keep it real. We all Google people when we’re going on dates, and if you don’t, you should, you know what I mean, because you want to find out what you can find out. But it’s also weird, because I would sit down and I literally would have a date with someone and find out, you know, that they already knew about the was-band, and you know, or they’d sit down and they’d be like, wow, like, your life is so cool. I can’t believe you did all these things. You’re just kind of like, oh, man, like, there’s so many more sides to me. And all that’s really great. And it’s really sweet and supportive. But I’d also like us to get to know each other organically. And so I was just like, Man, this is really, this is tough, you know. And so it was kind of in spurts, you know, like the getting ready to date is like I would I would go on a date or two. And I kind of be like, maybe now’s not the time. But I was so glad that I spent time getting to know me before that because it allowed me to go back to me, you know, and say like, cool, I’ll just hang out with friends and go snowboarding like I never felt like I lacked, I didn’t feel like I was chasing a romantic relationship to complete myself because I was enough. And I was always was prepared to know that if it was just me and my babies forever that was enough.

And so for those of you out there who are saying to yourself, like, I don’t know if I want to leave my relationship, because what if I have to get back out there? Well, guess what, even if you leave a relationship, and it’s just you, you’re enough, you know, nothing is missing with you. And if you’re feeling like something would be missing if you’re just by yourself, and that’s even more encouragement for you to start really doing some of that deep dive to make sure that if you’re by yourself that you feel complete, you know, because that is something that you would still have to come back to many times over so might as well do that work now. And then of course, if you’re already single, and you’re saying like, Well, how do I date, these guys seem like trash and all of that. One of the things that was pretty awesome was because I didn’t have any major goals around dating or a relationship or anything. I actually didn’t have too many parameters. Like, I went on a date with a guy who was like in his 50s, I went on a date with a guy who was dated a 28 year old, which, by the way too young for me. I was like I can’t do this like, like you’re good looking fella. But you know, I keep wanting to call you kiddo, you know, and that’s not a good move. Just so you know, like, you can’t do all that. Okay, kiddo. Sounds good. You keep after it. Like, I was like, I got kids my age. It just didn’t work for me.

But you know, like, it’s cool, because I didn’t have any weird parameters. Like I dated people of all ethnicities, I dated people of all working classes. I did. Like I just, it was really just like, I’m open to meeting people and finding out and I think sometimes we also put these tight parameters around like, well, I’m looking for someone who works like this. And I’m not saying like, lower your standards or whatever. I’m not some pro dating expert, I’m just telling you what I did and what worked for me, but I’m letting you know that part of how I found my partner, who I said partner, you know, like what have I found the person that I’m seeing now that I’m very, very, very happy with you know, is because I wasn’t putting any parameters around it, I was just kind of like, God, please just bring goodness in my life. And while I’m doing this whole thing, I just want to experience and be happy, you know, and also, I want this to be a value add to my life. And helped me have the strength and comfort to use the boundaries that I’ve created where if this isn’t a value add that I can stop that and be comfortable again, being with myself. And I mean, that really has been my prayer like I just bring in goodness bringing ease, bringing peace, you know, bringing people who just add to that.

And so the readiness to date part is not one where I think that we just arrive at some place or it suddenly feels right. It really is about kind of putting your toe into the water and also just being very open. But it’s hard to do that if you’re not okay being by yourself. If you’re still thinking you have to find a partner, you need a partner or you require a partner if you’re at a place where you’re like I’m okay being by myself, well then guess what, every time we go on a date, you might just end up with a new friend. And that’s okay too. You know our new business partner or new whatever, but just that energy really does serve the dating world and experience. I was so grateful to have allowed myself to engage it that way because I didn’t really leave dates with a lot of disappointment.

I will tell you after my first date I did you know cry because it was kind of a jarring experience. It was very real and realizing I’m going to be out there like holy cow I’m doing this all over again. And it was tough, you know, but that was tears for me, sort of a little bit more of that mourning and grief of having been a wife and not like, I like I’m gonna be completely honest, I’m so happy in my current partnership, and yet, I still wake up some days, or I still have moments where I’m like, I don’t have my ring on, you know, like, and oh, no, you know, and it feels weird, because I’m just so used to being a missus, you know. And I wasn’t ready to give up that title, you know. So it’s a shift, you know, and all parts of your body aren’t going to catch up, and all parts of your mind aren’t going to catch up at the same time. But when they do, it’s a beautiful thing.

And so speaking of a beautiful thing, you know, I am excited to talk about it. But you know, we’ll do this on a different day. But because I just really wanted to focus on the readiness part of it, but when when I was ready, I think that there were parts of me that also showed that, you know, and when I went on my first date with this person, again, I walked in there not expecting anything, you know, I just knew that I thought he was incredibly good looking. And I knew that he was totally different from what I dated before, because I used to date introverts. And, you know, people who I felt kind of matched my energy but weren’t necessarily competitive with my energy. And because I just thought we’d be a lot in one room, like two extroverts, you know, um, but this person was just a ball of energy also. And, and just generally, like, you know, I had sworn off dating anyone who even looked like my ex, you know, so it was a total shift. But man, am I so glad I stuck it out. I’m so glad I stuck it out. Because that first date was everything. And it taught me so much about myself. And I knew, as of that first date, that it was something different. And I’ll tell you now, you know, I’m almost eight months in, you know, to this in which, you know, you guys haven’t known the timeline and the tracking, but that’s some of the math and I’ve been dropping little clues on social but you know, you get more deets here. But you know, now that I’m 8 months in, like, that eight months could easily be forever, you know, but I also because I’m level headed. If it’s not forever, that’s also okay, because I can always come back to me and that means everything.

So all that being said, I can’t wait to tell you about the first date, because I think that you’ll get a laugh out of it. But I also think that there’s gonna be a lot of really great lessons in there around, “Okay, so these are some markers, these are some things that make sense, these are some things that I can look for, you know, if I’m trying to figure out if it makes sense, or if it’s something worth exploring.” One of the biggest things that I’ll give you a little preview of now that I, you know, told I tell my kids, my older girls, when they’re dating, is that I’d never showed up at that date, looking for a partner or wanting to prove myself or trying to find a way to make this person fit. Instead, I sat down, you know, totally open minded, you know, just getting to know who this person is. And knowing that, like, you got to earn a second date, meaning if there’s something that intrigues me, if there’s more that I want to know, that is what dating is. Dating is seeing that person, you know, to find out more about them until you determine it’s no longer a fit, you know, and even though we’re eight months in, I almost ended that date in the middle of the date because I was like, I don’t know if this is a fit. So it’s kind of funny because once you hear all the things you’ll be like, Oh my gosh, I can’t believe she almost blew it. But um, but well, we’ll cover that another time.

All that being said, I’m excited to share this stuff with you because it has just been a dream and obviously in the book I will go into much more detail about like kind of the ins and the outs but you’ve already been seeing it on Insta and I can’t think of a better way for us to have this girlfriend cha. So you can hear me cheese it and you can hear me sounding super giddy about it. But you know as much as I’ve shared some of the darker times you know and how I have that season of struggle. I also want to share the light because life is very much both and we are incredibly, incredibly deserving.

So friend, more to come.

In this episode, we chat about:

• How I became ready to date again after 12 years,
• What I had to do BEFORE I was ready to date,
• My thoughts on living a life without romantic love,
• How I’ve worked through my past experiences with love and,
• How I’ve changed in my approach to love

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss our last chat with Jamie Ward!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Using Loss to Create Change

Our guest today is truly remarkable. Jamie Ward’s story is not just one of God showing up in a big way, but also of triumph, overcoming, and using loss to create change.

In this chat, Jamie and I talk through her story of unexpected transitions and the lessons she has learned along the way. One of the things that makes Jamie remarkable is how she’s taken these lessons to serve others.

Friend, there are SO many gems in this episode so stay ready!

Thank you so much for being here and sharing the transitions you’re going through in your life. Slide into my DMs @nicolewalters so we can keep this conversation going.

Talk soon friend!

Nicole:
Hey, friend, today’s chat is going to be a good one. Now, I want you to know that this season has been all about starting over, you know that I’ve been going through my transitions, I know that you’ve been going through your transitions and life has been throwing us new things left and right. And I wanted to bring on someone who is a lot like us, you know that I’m not always having big fancy pants people here. They’re the people that you need to know, but may not have heard of. They are the best thing in your life that you don’t know about yet. And today, I’ve got someone super special to me.

Now, Jamie Ward is unlike any other when I tell you she is remarkable. She is humble. She is hard working. And she’s been a client of mine. But more than anything, she’s been a good friend. I’m inspired by this woman day in and day out because her story is not just one of God’s showing up in a big way and honoring your faith, but also triumph and overcoming and taking everything that’s happened to you and giving it back to serve.

So I can’t wait for you to meet her. And I can’t wait for you to hear her story. And I’m so glad she’s here today. So Jamie, now that I have thoroughly made you blush.

Jamie:
Exactly, you have.

Nicole:
I’m so glad you’re here. Can you tell everyone a little bit about yeah?

Jamie:
Sure. I am from Arkansas, if you can’t tell by the accent. That’s been called out several times since I’ve been here in LA.

Nicole:
Yes in LA people are like, where are you from?

Jamie:
Yes! And I’m a business owner and I’m a wife and a carer for many people in my family and just genuinely a happy person.

Nicole:
You are, you really are and you’re a big server like I mean, you’re a business owner. And you say that in kind of a small scale but you run a pretty big business with a team. And you’ve been doing this for how long?

Jamie:
Yeah, so I started my business curricula Concepts almost 10 years ago, in March we’ll celebrate 10 years.

Nicole: Incredible.

Jamie:
And yeah, it’s all focused on early care and education. So we’re focused primarily on children birth to age five, and the people who care for them. So whether that’s the adults in their classroom, or their parents or family members at home, we focus on engaging families in meaningful ways. We focus on professional development around health and wellness, which is also very important to me personally. So it’s been really cool to have my personal and professional life sort of collide in that aspect.

Nicole:
I have to ask, before all of this, you know, I mean, this is all the entrepreneurial side of things. But what did you do before? Cuz that was just 10 years. You worked before that?

Jamie:
Yeah, I did. Yeah. So I’ve been a director. I’ve been a teacher, also had lots of odd jobs.

Nicole:
Really tell me the weirdest job you’ve ever had. I’ve never asked this question ya’ll.

Jamie:
The weirdest job I’ve ever had. Well, my favorite job was working for a florist, delivering flowers.

Nicole:
Really? Absolutely.

Jamie:
You just make people happy all day,

Nicole:
I guess you surprise them. Oh my gosh. They’re always happy to see you.

Jamie:
The job that’s most unlike me, probably, was working for a large trucking company as a credit collector.

Nicole:
Oh, yeah. That’s so not you. If you don’t know Jamie’s the type, if you’re like, but I’m going through this. She’d be like, Well, I understand. I’ll call back later. Yeah, it’s fine. Or really, truly Jamie says, well, maybe I can help you. Maybe I can figure this out. You were probably just terrible.

Jamie:
I was terrible. And was not there long. I was out there. No, but I knew when I left college with a degree in early care and education. I knew I was great with kids.

Nicole: Yes.

Jamie:
But I was not great with adults. I felt like a kid myself.

Nicole: Sure.

Jamie:
And so I just was not great at managing and navigating those relationships on behalf of the children who I was serving and so I knew that I had to figure it out, those skills.

Nicole:
Yeah. I love that because that right there is such a valuable lesson. I think too often we come out of any experience with the training or the degree or even the expectation that we suddenly will know how to do it. And we need to be honest with ourselves. Yeah, if we’re finding elements of it that we don’t like or love, maybe we need to figure out how to make it work for us, but still honor our actual gifts.

Jamie:

Absolutely and I left at a pretty big part of my career was at the department human services in our state, oh, wow, I was the administrator for our state funded pre K program for a number of years.

Nicole:
So you kind of mash together all your skills in order to become what you are? Well, I gotta tell you, that’s all the resume, bullet point, on paper stuff. But y’all, I just wanted to call that out to say, look, just like you, just like me, we all got jobs, but we also all have lives. And that’s what we want to talk about.

So Jamie, we’re just gonna dive in, y’all. This is your Kleenex warning. Jamie, talking about starting over, you have gone through things in your life that some of us have only had nightmares about. I mean, truly, I am in a new relationship with someone that I care immensely about and that’s so special to me. And when I think of anything happening to him, or to that relationship, I mean, I am, my stomach does flips. And you have survived, you know, some of these things. So I will let you tell your story.

Y’all lean in for this one, it’s, it’s going to change you.

Jamie:
Yeah. So probably, oh, gosh, it’s been many years ago, I don’t even know how many years ago at this point. I was married to my first husband and about a year and a half into our marriage, he was diagnosed with cancer. And just like that overnight at 29, you know, I was then a carer for my husband with a terminal illness, and it was a year and a half long battle. And during that time, you know, it really changed the role that I was in.

Nicole: Sure.

Jamie:
And, and I’m sure a lot of people listening can feel that and understand that oftentimes, we’re put in a role that we weren’t prepared for. That was unexpected. And, and during that time, I, you know, I was really consumed by him and all the things that, which I’ve feel like I should have been, right, I was his wife, I was serving in that role, and with the doctor’s appointment, and the medications, and all those things, but I really did let myself sort of be put on the back burner.

And I think about that now, you know, in hindsight, if I would have done things different, I don’t know if I would have, but I do think about, you know, what would it have mattered if I would have taken 10 minutes out of my day to, you know, have my prayer time or go on my walk or connect with somebody that that I loved and in some way, you know, he, I would have still loved him as much, I would have still cared for him as much. He would have gotten the same care, everything he needed, but it would have made a difference for me I think.

Nicole:

That’s true.

Jamie:
I think that when we go through those difficult times. It’s just it’s, it’s hard to think about what we need. When in fact, I mean, as a parent, or a teacher, or a carer of someone who’s unwell or whatever it is, we’re already giving the best thing we can give, which is ourselves.

Nicole: So good.

Jamie:
And we still matter in that role, we still matter in that, in that process. And so, you know, we don’t really need an excuse for self care, we’re showing up, we still matter. And we’ve got to take care of ourselves. And that’s, I mean, that has been such a lesson for me, through that experience, through through his illness, through the loss of him, all has been such, the biggest lesson I took from that really is once your health begins to decline, once you lose those aspects of being able to do different things, it impacts every part of your life, every part of your life. I mean, what you can do, where you can go, what you can eat, who you can be around. I mean, all of those things are impacted.

And that really, I guess, sparked something in me.

Nicole:
Sure. So, Jamie, what you’re telling me is that at, I mean, you weren’t even 35.

Jamie:
I was 29.

Nicole:
You, I mean first of all at 29 I still thought I was invincible. I mean granted, I was adopting three kids from the street. So we’re similar. We take on big things. We take on big things, we jump in there but also, you know, you find yourself in a position that is hardly the life you would have designed for yourself. Let alone you’re alone again, you know, and that was not what you expected after putting in so much work for a fight that, you know, didn’t necessarily play out the way we thought, but the way God intended.

Jamie: Right.

Nicole:
So let’s just take people to where you were then. Right. So you’re 30ish and you’re by every definition starting over.

Jamie:
I was absolutely starting over.

Nicole:
I mean, where was your mind at this time? Mid 30s, a widower, you know, barely in your career? Because honestly, we’re just getting our feet wet in our early 30s. Don’t let anyone lie to you. 30s you don’t know what you’re doing. You know? No kids at this time?

Jamie: Yeah, no.

Nicole:
And just, I mean, truly just sitting here saying to yourself, what just happened to me? I would be dazed. I mean, that’s how I feel now. You know what I mean?

Jamie: Yeah.

Nicole:
And I’m like, what happened to me? So tell me where were you? And how did you even pick up?

Jamie:
Yeah, it’s hard for me to go back there really. But it’s, I was in a dark, a dark place, I would say.

Nicole:
For awhile.

Jamie:
For awhile, for a good solid year. And interestingly, you know, while he was sick. You know, I was, I guess, I don’t know, if I was in denial. I don’t know what I was.

Nicole:
You were 29. Right. Look at 29 I thought I would live forever. I was just like, everything will be fine. If I just believe hard enough.

Jamie:
I mean, literally, the doctor came in and told me to call on the family. And I looked at him and said, why?

Nicole: Oh.

Jamie:
So that’s how much in denial I was.

Nicole: Sure.

Jamie:
Now that I look back on the situation, and I look back even pictures. I mean, it didn’t even look like the same man.

Nicole:
Of course.

Jamie:
You know. But I spent a good year afterwards really, sort of spiraling, just internally.

Nicole: Me too.

Jamie:
From the outside I looked just fine <laughs>

Nicole:
I mean, isn’t that what we do? Right from the outside, everything’s fine. From the inside. It is a functional hot.

Jamie:
Yes, I immediately went back to work. Like two weeks later, went back, I was teaching three and four year olds, immediately went back to that, which was really a blessing for me. Who wouldn’t? I mean, you know, they bring so much joy.

Nicole:
They do bring joy, little ones bring joy. But also, again, speaking back to some of the lessons you’re saying, caring for yourself, yes, leaving space to recover. I mean, coming out of a divorce that I did not anticipate, you know, same thing, a year of darkness, you know, saying to myself, how on earth did this happen? I still say now, I’m not gonna lie. How did this happen to me? You know, and really leaning into my kids to stay happy. Yeah, so I completely relate.

So okay, so you’re starting over. And the thing that you called out here that I thought was really powerful, was that the lesson that really stuck with you is wellness.

Jamie:

Yes.

Nicole:
And another place that we share, you know, a kinship, if you will, is that we both have lost close to 100 pounds. And, you know, we talked about just, I think what we will relate to is the secret isn’t some secret, it’s just daily wellness.

Jamie: Yes.

Nicole:
And integrating everything into your life. So can you tell us a little bit more about that? Because, I mean, this has really shaped your life for like, the past decade?

Jamie:
Yeah, a little over. I was thinking, as I was thinking about our conversation, just how long it’s been. I mean, it’s been at least 12 or 13 years ago that, you know, I literally, I was working in the Department of Human Services. I got it from my desk and picked up myself, I walked outside and called a gym and just said, Hey, I need a personal trainer.

Nicole:
So where were you health wise. I mean, coming off of hardship. You weren’t taking care of yourself. You’re working a government role, we know how that goes. It’s do more with less.

Jamie: Yeah.

Nicole:
So where were you? Were you just overweight?

Jamie:
I was extremely overweight.

Nicole:
How did you feel in your clothes?

Jamie:
Ate terribly, like what’s a vegetable. You know, Dr. Peppers were my vice.

Nicole: Oh, yes.

Jamie:

Never drank water. I mean, fast food, every opportunity, you know. And moving my body was just not even in my vocabulary.

Nicole:
I just want to say for the mamas out there who are hearing this, this is not judgment. This is not guilt trip. It’s just, you do what you can with what you know. And if you don’t know any better, it’s hard to do better. And then also, you know, I still eat these things, sometimes. Make no mistake, Jamie and I have had many, many a meal. But there is a time where you do have to say to yourself, you know, what type of body do I want to meet the life that I want to have?

Jamie: Absolutely.

Nicole:
And so it sounds like that moment came to you and you picked up the phone.

Jamie:
Yes. I mean, a simple call. I picked up the phone. I mean, and as as an early educator, my philosophy is let them be little. So that’s in reference to young children. That’s also in reference to the changes that we make in our lives.

Nicole:
Oh, so good!

Jamie:
I mean, I think back about all the little changes that I’ve made over time. Over years, really, of learning new things, implementing new things, trying new things, stopping news, stopping some of them.

Nicole:
If that’s not a word.

Jamie:
Yeah, all the little things. It’s all about figuring out. So if we think about young children, what educators do is they look at the child, they look at the whole child, they find the gaps. And then they start to, you know, incorporate new experiences, new skills, a little bit at a time to help them grow. It’s the same, I think about that the same way in terms of self care for myself. And for the adults who care for children. It’s about those little changes over time that are manageable, that then lead to a bigger outcome.

Nicole:
And I think this is really powerful to understand, because I don’t know about you, but sometimes I feel like I am living in an internet world of everything’s a big overnight promise. And part of what has drawn clients to me is I don’t promise that. I say, Look, we’re going to do the gradual work, we’re going to pivot as necessary. We’re going to see what’s developed, we’re going to answer these things, fill in the gaps. But make no mistake, you don’t want a million dollars overnight, because that million dollars won’t stick around. Right?

You know, I have lost and gained 30 pounds, 60 pounds, four or five times in my life, I’ve managed to keep off 100 pounds for the past five years. And part of that is because of consistent little changes. I didn’t lose weight for the reunion. I didn’t lose weight for the TV show, I didn’t lose weight to get famous or to, you know, make my wings look better. <laughs>

Jamie:
Yeah, I think you said to me last time we were together. So you’re a professional stay-aliver. <laughs> That’s what you said to me. And I was like, You know what, that is what I am. That is why I do what I do. Self care to me is moving my body. Self care to me is putting fuel in my body. That’s good for me. It’s taken me a long time.

Nicole:
And you didn’t start this way, you weren’t raised like this. And I think that’s the other part too. I’m not gonna lie, I will be the first to say it. One of my mentors was Chalene Johnson. And she is a health guru. I mean, she is in her like, I’m not even gonna say her age, because you know, I love her. And I want to honor that, you know, but she’s in her late 30s cough, you know, and it looks incredible. And she has always been so fit and always looks really great. And I literally thought that, well, some people are just like that, you know, and she talks about loving to exercise and it being fun for her. And I was like, Girl, I hate it. Like I it’s not fun for me, what are you talking about? She’s like, you just got to find the thing you love. And I’m like, I hate all of it. It all hurts.

Jamie:
Such a good point. I mean, I work out with somebody now, three times a week, early in the mornings. And she literally says to this day, we’ve worked out together since October. I hate this. I hate it. I do not like it. So I love it myself.

Nicole:
Because you’re strange, Jamie. <laughs>

Jamie:
Everybody tells me that, I do love it. But she just says I don’t like it.

Nicole:
But I like being alive, though. Let me tell you that girl, I like being alive. I like keeping up with my kids. I like the opportunity to be on stage and not be out of breath. I like that.

Jamie:

And the part that keeps her doing what she’s doing is the connections with the people that she has.

Nicole:
Relationships and community. So you have to find the thing in the hard thing that will keep you there.

Jamie:
Yes. So whether that’s one person, or a community of people, whatever that looks like, and whatever that means, you know, to you. I mean, yes. And self care isn’t always about, you know, our, you know, physical body or whatever. I mean, it can mean a number of different things like mentally. I mean, with a friend this week, she asked me a question about my mom, my birth mom. My birth mom passed away when I was one. And so she just said the simple statement, tell me about your mom. And it just stopped me in my tracks because I didn’t have an answer.

Nicole: Wow.

Jamie:
I didn’t know, you know grief is a funny thing. I was never really told anything about my mom, I know that I look like her. I know that she was a nurse. I know how she passed away. That’s all the information I have. That’s it. And so it’s about filling the gap. So for me, you know, I immediately turned to the people who loved her to start filling that gap and just, you know, what was she like? Am I like her anyway? Was she funny? Was she an introvert? Why was she a nurse? I didn’t know anything. And so I began to sort of feel that gap for me. Again, in little ways, filling the gap filling the gap, but it makes me already with just the little things I know I feel so much more connected to her. And that’s self care.

Nicole:
That is self care!

Jamie:
It’s not just about putting on your weighted vest, going out and going on a hike or whatever it is, which I also love but you also but it’s filling those gaps, that is self care too.

Nicole:
Oh I want to call this out too, because this is something about you that is so uniquely Jamie. But we all can learn from. It’s this, I don’t even want to call it fearlessness but it’s this boldness about seeking out the answers. So a lot of us get scared when we realize we don’t know. When we’re like, I don’t know something about, let me stay in this sort of paralysis of grief, you know, or I don’t know where to start with working out. So let me just stay in this paralysis, because, frankly, staying in the sameness can be easier than embracing the unknown, especially if we think that change is going to do something to us, you know.

So one of the things that I love and I hope people are hearing right now from this incredibly powerful chat is that Jamie’s like, yeah, so I realized I didn’t know something so I went and asked a question. I realized that I didn’t know something so I sought out a solution.

Jamie:
And I think, you know, what, maybe holds people back, maybe people that are listening here thinking, Oh, I’m not gonna do that, you know. It’s this guilt, which was my initial reaction, it that was my initial reaction to the friend who said, Tell me about your mom. Was just this overwhelming sense of guilt of how could have not asked these questions before now?

Nicole:
You’re so right, it’s that responsibility, like, I should know.

Jamie:
I should know!

Nicole:
I should have this figured out.

Jamie:
At the age I am now I should have asked those questions. And then comes the fear behind it. Right? We talk with teachers a lot about how anger is almost always masking fear.

Nicole:
I always tell my girls like, if you’re feeling angry, what’s the feeling behind the feeling?

Jamie:
Yes.Because there’s always something. So I could then feel that fear sneaking in behind it. Who do I ask? Am I going to upset someone else?

Nicole:
Oh, that’s good. It’s multifaceted. But if we can learn to at least recognize that like you have, then we can push through it to get what we need. Because one of the things I’ve been telling Ally, my little one, who’s 11 now, is because she’s starting to feel and understand anxiety more, because you know, kids will feel it, but they don’t necessarily know how to label it, might just be a tummy ache or something like that. And now she’s like, No, I’m scared of this thing, this new thing. And I’ve always told her that our brain might tell us that the thing is big and scary, but it’ll always turn out better than we hoped. Because our brain makes these big pictures that always don’t look anything like it. So the other day, we went indoor skydiving.

Jamie: Oh, dear.

Nicole:
Oh, yeah. <laughs>

Jamie:
I would like that though.

Nicole:
And, you know, she told me, she was like, I’m scared about this thing. And we broke it down. I said, you know, would mom let anything happen to you? Is there, what parts of this are scary? How do we feel in our body? You know, we talked a little bit about what does safety look like for her. So if it gets too big and scary, what would make you feel like, you felt better if you had help. Yeah, you know, and in talking about all those things, it really helps her process out, you know, what are the questions I need to ask to feel safe? It’s safe to ask questions.

Jamie:
Yeah. And so, I mean, just bringing that up makes me think about the reason that I do the work that I do is because adults are the number one factor in a child’s development. Whether that’s the family member, the teacher, it doesn’t matter who it is, it’s, it’s the adult and I mean, for you to be aware enough to be able to help her through that and to process through that.

Nicole:
You’re going to make me tear up and cry. Because, I mean, if we’re just gonna we’re being very honest and candid, and you know, you guys know how we do our chats here. My biggest fear as a mom is like, I’m not getting it. Right. And I think a lot of us can relate to that. And teachers hold a lot of responsibilities. Why love a teacher? Because educators are our moms, they’re with our kids more than we are. Yeah, be honest. And and they have to give on so many levels outside of ABCs.

Jamie:
Absolutely. I mean, their workloads are demanding, their home lives are demanding. I mean, they’re so vital.

Nicole: Vital.

Jamie:
I mean, vital to the society, just in general. For children, they show up every single day. And I think back I mean, it’s been 20 years since I was a director before that I was in the classroom. And I think back about the kids that I had, that I can still remember. I mean, I think back about you know, little Megan, who was so precious with their big eyes and would come in so full of joy and was being raised by her grandmother but was so you know, well taken care of, and well loved. And she was in a car accident while we were, while she was in my class and she was

injured pretty badly. She had cast on her legs, had to stay away for a few months. And her grandmother called me and said, you’ve got to come see her because we had this connection. So I got that opportunity to go into her home and then that just brings about, you know, a fuller picture of that child to think about Megan that I hold in my heart. I think about Christina who had challenging behaviors and who I struggled with it to be honest and teachers understand that.

Nicole: Yes!

Jamie:
Mamas understand it.

Nicole:
I had a challenging husband, hunny. I struggled with his behaviors. <laughs>

Jamie:
Yeah, and now, gosh, if I only knew then what I know now, you know, so you have that kind of regret a little bit but everything I do now in my work life in my life in general is for Megan, it’s for Christina. It’s for Matthew. And it’s because they deserve an adult who’s nurturing and who’s responsive, and who can show up for them. But adults have to have support too.

Nicole:
Oh, so well, let’s talk about that more. So you built I mean, you started off with curricula Concepts, you know, which was more, it was more business to business.

Jamie: Right.

Nicole:
And the work that you do now is still a little business to business, you know, but tell me a little bit more about how you’ve really starting to integrate your wellness beliefs, you know, and honestly, wellness practices that are tried and true, with how you’re supporting educators, because so much of this, there things that we could be doing every day, a lot of what we talked about today, so yeah, tell us a little bit more about bol care.

Jamie:
Yeah, so Be Well, Care Well has been a project of Curricula Concepts that I work on with my partner, Carrie shocky, from South Carolina, and so Be Well, Care Well is the staff wellbeing programs. They’re really focused on providing a wellbeing coach to teachers, educators.

Nicole:
Corporations. Everyone needs it, now more than ever.

Jamie:
Yeah. So I’m super passionate about education, obviously, because that’s the industry I’m in, but I always say who couldn’t use a wellbeing coach?

Nicole:
In the office, though? I mean, because someone’s got to be the go between who’s saying like, look like, are you taking care of yourself?

Jamie:
Well, the schools that we’re working with, always say to us, please don’t leave out the administrative office. Oh, like, please include us.

Nicole:
Not just in the classroom, please. Well, we all know that one person at the front desk, who knows where all the bodies are buried.

Jamie: Absolutely.

Nicole:
How to fix the printer, how to restock things, where that key is.

Jamie:
Yes you better be good to the gatekeeper, that’s what they are. To all the things. The building and the people.

Nicole: That’s true.

Jamie:
Yeah. So our coaches work with them and help them set goals again, set those little manageable goals, and then help walk them through that. And the real secret component, I think, to Be Well, Care Well, is the connections. Yeah. And the relationships. I mean, we, you know, it’s not. And we do here, I want to just, you know, lay this out there, you know, I don’t have time to do one more thing.

Nicole:
Isn’t that all of us though? I mean, I don’t have time for another program, another course, another lesson, another therapy session. I do not have time.

Jamie:

Yes. So, we understand that. I have been there. Like, I know the challenges. I’ve seen them, I have lived them, as a teacher, as an educator, as an administrator, all the things. And I agree with that but self care is a necessity.

Nicole:
It’s the way to keep going, it’s the fuel to keep us fired up.

Jamie:
I won’t be I won’t be pushed off of that.

Nicole:
Well, I mean, honestly, it’s kind of like with wellness, you know, I somehow managed to find 30 minutes across a week to stop at a drive thru to get food. Can I use that 30 minutes to get into a gym?

Jamie:
Well, and the other thing is for self care, it can be five minutes. I mean, you don’t have to schedule a massage.

Nicole:
Yes, tell us about that.

Jamie:
Yeah, I mean, we work with some programs, who literally the staff all walk in the morning to at the same time or defer shift, whatever it is, they take a walk down the hall together and back and just check in with each other. How are you doing this moment? That’s angry you okay? And the morale? I mean, his turnover, his decrease? Just that intentionality of talking to their peers, about things outside of work looks good. You know, those social connections are so important. And sometimes the social connections are just with the people you work with. And that’s okay, yeah. But then let’s find time to talk about things that aren’t work related.

Nicole:
So let’s talk about that. That’s like a relationship. You know, like, I used to find that one of those challenges that was in my previous marriage was, after a while, it felt like every time we got together, we were talking about business and checkmarks. It was, what do the kids need? Where do we go? Who’s handling carpool? What bill needs paid? Did the roof get fixed? And it wasn’t so much? Well, do you like the work you’re doing? What movie did you watch that was interesting?

Jamie:
And I think we all find ourselves in that rut, even myself with my husband now. I mean, especially, you know, being out here, I’ve been out here a few days, and it’s so easy just to call home and check, how’s dog? That’s right. I’m good. I’m safe. Are you okay? On the list? Yes.

And we’re good and, and sort of recognized that I was doing that on every call. And so you know, last night tried to be, you know, a little more like, sweet. This is what I’m experiencing. Tell me about what’s going on there?

Nicole:
That’s so good. Or like, one of the things that I like to do now with my partner is like, let’s watch a show together. You know what I mean? So let’s put on something on Netflix and we’ll watch it together. So even if it’s silent, we’re watching something together just to try to feel like there’s a connection there. You know, and I think one of the things that is a good call it for all of us who are listening, whether you are an educator or you’re working or if you’re a mom at home, there’s some merit to having people you check in with regularly with intentionality to have those conversations outside of work. That is care.

Jamie:
Yeah. And we, I mean, that is the one constant that we hear. When we ask people, you know, what did it take for you to make a change that sticks?

Nicole: Wow.

Jamie:
It always goes back to, I had someone I could be accountable to. I had support, I had, you know, I mean, I have a friend right now, who is a dear friend, and this summer sent me a message and said, I want to start walking every day. Like, I know, that would be good for me. Can I just send you a message each day and say, I’ve done my walk.

Nicole: Nice!

Jamie:
And I was like, absolutely. And so every day this summer, she would send me a message just finished. Oh, you know, it’s awesome. It just goes to show that it is that support and lifestyle commitment to one another, you know, that makes it work.

Nicole:
Oh, Jamie, that’s incredible. I mean, we could talk all day, about not just the way that you show up in this world, and the messages and the lessons and all the things you’ve accomplished. But I just want to say thank you so much for the way you give back. I mean, it is beyond, you know, not just through this program, but through this time that you spent here with us.

Jamie:

And that really is the point of why I wanted to be here and to talk to you because, you know, a lot of people find themselves, I mean, whether you find yourself in a similar situation that I was in or not, there’s a million things.

Nicole:
Yes, we’ve been through a pandemic. Okay. Everyone has had the world thrown off kilter.

Jamie:
Absolutely. And it’s my hope that, you know, maybe something I’ve been through can help give somebody else a little bit of hope. And, and figure out whatever they’re okay is, and how to get there. And that I mean, I really, truly believe that’s why we’re here. I mean, surely we don’t go through these experiences for nothing, right?

Nicole:
That’s right. Oh Jamie, I can’t think of a better note to close on. So, so good. Y’all, I just want to let you know that if you didn’t grab anything from this, you need to give this another listen because it was chock full of gems. And more than anything, it’s so easy for us to look on the internet and see people that feel so aspirational, but feel, frankly, out of reach. And I want to let you know that. Look, I’m real and I’m regular. And so are my friends, just like Jamie. We are regular people who have been blessed by God for the opportunity to do extraordinary things, just like you.

So Jamie, where can we find out more about you and if anyone’s looking to get these programs into their school or their workplace or even talk to Curricula Concepts to see if there’s something we can learn there?

Jamie:
So Curricula Concepts is on Facebook and Instagram. So you can go there to find us. We can continue the conversation about Be Well, Care Well on Instagram, and yeah, I’ve been here working on a keynote, so hopefully, I’ll get to talk to folks around the country soon!

Nicole:
And you guys, these stories are going to be incredible. So if you see Jamie listed anywhere, you definitely want to catch her. She’s incredible. She’s a giver. She’s generous. Jamie, thank you so much for being here.

Jamie:
Thanks for having me.

In this episode, Jamie and I chat about:

• Her story of unexpected transitions, starting with the loss of her first husband,
• The most important lesson that she learned from losing her first husband,
• What mantra she uses to create change in her own life, and
• Why Jamie believes self-care is essential

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Find Curricula Concepts and Be Well Care Well HERE and on Instagram and Facebook
• Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss our last chat on dealing with divorce as a mama
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Failing My Kids

This season has been about starting over. We’ve chatted about many of the transitions I’m in and as I continue to learn, I’ll continue to share with you here.

In this chat I’m sharing how divorcing feels from a mom perspective. It’s been 9 years since my kids entered my life and from day one I’ve promised them I wasn’t going anywhere. That is still true today and is one of the few constants we have.

Friend, thank you so much for the grace you’ve given me as I share my stories and lessons with you. I am so appreciative of the conversations we’ve had here and in my DMs. Let’s keep this a 2-way conversation!

Thanks for being here for this chat. Let’s continue chatting over on Instagram @nicolewalters !

Nicole:
Hey, friends, I am so excited that we’re back for our weekly chats. And thank you for coming back week over week, it’s just been so amazing to talk to you in the DMs on social media, and just kind of share my life. I mean, it has been crazy. And you guys are all so encouraging, and you’ve shared so much with me. So I’m really appreciative. And if you’re just tuning in for the first time, and we are meeting for the first time, it’s been a doozy. I mean, this past year has been more than I ever could have imagined, so much has happened.

And if you go back to Episode One, you would hear that I am in a very transitional phase of my life. One that isn’t unique to me, which is what makes these conversations so special. Because both sadly, and in a good way for many, you’ve gone through a lot of what I’m going through now, but you know, I am divorced, divorcing, in the process of and I am, you know, a single mom, you know, for the first time ever, you know, to three adopted babies. And I am just out in the world rebuilding.

So this season, everything that we’ve been chatting about and sort of these blocks of weekly chats has been all about starting over. And that’s kind of how we kicked it off. And it’s how we’re going to keep it going. We’ve had the opportunity to hear from some of my new good friends, you know about what it’s like to start over in their respective careers and places in life. And I’ve also shared some of my own story in between all of that, where I’m starting over as in some aspects of my business, the way that I’ve started over with my health, the way that I am starting over in relationships and the way I’ve started over, you know, as a non-married.

So, I’ve been sharing that story. And I’m appreciative because I’ve gotten so much great support, because it is trying and it is difficult. And it’s not easy to be candid and vulnerable and transparent about how difficult it is. And I do have days where it’s very scary, but I feel the love. And I appreciate all of you. So today, in kind of continuing that theme and letting you guys know that I’m going to be diving in a little more, because with each chat, I get a little bit more comfortable. And as things evolve, I have a little bit more to share, as I’m learning. I’m gonna be sharing more about it.

So this week, we are going to be talking about how this all feels from a mom perspective. And this is something that I’ve been having a lot of conversations about in the DMs. So for those of you who are Mamas out there, who either are single moms, which shout out to all the single moms out there, when I tell you the very first moment that I realized that this was not going to be easy go of it was when I had a sick little at home. And I realized that I didn’t have someone I could send to the pharmacy, and I couldn’t leave my baby at home. So it was a situation of packing up my baby, putting my baby in the car, sick, going to the store, pulling my baby out of this car to get the meds, you know, because like I had to get everything I need and then make it back home. And it was when I realized that, oh, wow, this is gonna be a little bit different. You know, doing things solo is not easy. And so just shout out to the single moms and you know, the single dads are out there also, you know, doing it on their own. It’s not easy, and especially while trying to balance work and, if possible, a social life, right. You know, and personal care and self care. It’s like and drink your water, you know what I mean? And eat your vegetables. It’s a lot.

But that’s what I wanted to talk about is, firstly, for those of you who have reached out to me and said, You’re still in a situation where it’s a difficult relationship or a difficult marriage, or you can send some challenges may be coming or that even something that isn’t as extreme but just a relationship may have reached his expiry, it’s gotten to the point where you know that it may not make sense to go further. Or if you’re like me, you didn’t have a choice, you know, where you felt like, you’re in a position where you have to go, and you don’t have a choice, and you have to go because you do. It’s unexpected, but that’s where you are. And so I wanted to speak a little bit about some of the parenting aspects of that and what that feels like, and it’s not gonna be easy, but I know that you guys are going to grant me grace as I try to share what I’ve learned, so that you are able to hopefully grow.

So when I first encountered that I would need to transition out of my marriage. I was not prepared for that. I don’t know I’m gonna be completely honest, because I only know my version of it. But I don’t know how many moms or women really do expect it to happen. I mean I think for most people, whether you uncover something unexpectedly that makes you have to walk out of the door, or you are, have dealt with years and years of something happening, and then you leave, or you’re told you need to go, I mean, whatever it is, I don’t think that many of us get married with the intent to fail. I don’t think if you don’t want to call it a failure, but an intent to not continue. And so that means it almost always is a little unexpected, right? And if you have children, and it’s something that you think about, and you wonder, can I do this, it’s an extra complexity, I don’t want to say that it’s any easier or harder, because I don’t like getting into the hardship Olympics, right? Like, oh, my pain is worse than yours or my circumstances tougher than yours, it’s hard for everyone, right? We all can handle what we can bear. But what I can tell you is that when you have kids, it is an extra layer, because you’ve got feelings and obligations and financial responsibilities, and, frankly, routines and structure and so many things that are hard enough to manage while you’re there, let alone if you have to leave or move or transition or ask your partner to leave or what have you. So I want to let you know that for me, at least I can speak to it. I’m fortunate that my kids are older. You know, having an 11 year old, a 20 year old and a 23 year old means that I’ve got kids that frankly have their own lives in a lot of ways, have their own structure, have their own well being and a lot of things going on, and they’re easier to communicate with. So we’ve always kept a very open household. You know, one of our rules in our home was kind of if you’re old enough to ask the question, you’re old enough to get the answer, an age appropriate answer, but you know an answer.

And because our girls are adopted, you know, from a traumatic situation, it was always really important that truth was at the forefront of any interaction we have with them, because trust is so so important to them, for their well being. So, as a mom, you know, one thing that I think I’ve always been really good about was just being very forthright with my kids. Now, it’s a lot easier to be forthright with your kids when you know what you’re doing. And you know what’s happening.

When I first separated, close, you know, going on two years ago, the perspective that I had was that it was just simply some time apart, right? It was just hey, we’re going through some stuff, and we just needed to sort it out. And obviously, I would go back. So I just needed, you know, a temporary, you know, situation, that’s what it was, and I just couldn’t invest in my new life. And, and that was fine, because, you know, I still had a life and I still had a partner and I still had, you know, things to go back to. And if anything, I can use this time to recuperate, because I you know, as I mentioned in episode one, I was dealing with some health concerns, but that I also could use this time to, you know, maybe get back to work and kind of figure out some new things. And that was kind of the perspective that I had. And that also lent itself to me not wanting to put down roots.

So I didn’t get a place, you know, I didn’t get anything permanent, I wouldn’t even buy appliances, you know, I found myself outside of my home with three suitcases, you know, I just really didn’t believe anything would be long term. And so as a mom, you know, it just was about, you know, making sure that I use that time briefly and just let the kids know, I’ll be back, you know, and I was back, you know, regularly.

Fortunately, with my partner, we have a really great relationship when it comes to our children where that has never been an issue in terms of either one of us being able to interact with our kids because we do just love them tremendously. And also, they’re older and they can speak for themselves in many respects. So however even one of us wants to interact with our kids, whatever level we’ve always had access to being able to do that. So it’s a real blessing. But I know that I definitely immediately the first thing that hit me was deep, deep mom guilt. And I’ve always been inclined towards mom guilt. It’s even tough to talk about here.

I’m going to be completely honest because I don’t really talk about that so much because there isn’t. I’ve talked about this a little bit on Instagram where I’ve said that I don’t really worry about judgment too much. And a lot of places because I know people will judge whatever you do, people will judge the fact that I like my grits savory and not sweet, okay, the internet is crazy. People will literally judge everything about you. Your favorite thing about your body is someone’s least favorite thing about your body, and people will judge how you got there. And there’s nothing you can do about that. So I’ve tried not to get too caught up in judgment, partly because I live a life out loud. And I don’t want to be paralyzed in fear about sharing the things that God has delivered me from that could also deliver someone else from their suffering. I mean, isn’t that what we’re called to do?

So I try not to get caught up in judgment. But when I tell you, I am so deeply in love with my sweet babies, like they are the greatest blessing that I’ve ever received in my world. And being a mom has transformed me in a way that I can’t even find words that quantify. And beyond that, when I think of the love that I have for my children, and the level of sacrifice and the fact that we have chosen each other, there’s nothing else that I know that I am, without a doubt, without question here to do, but be their mother. And I feel it feels like a privilege, like an honor. I mean, you guys have watched the girls grown up. A lot of you have, if you haven’t, you can follow over on Instagram at Nicole Walters, you can see my babies there. You know, you’ve seen them grow up, when I tell you, I know that you all have a sense of how awesome the girls are. And if you watch the TV show, you have a sense of it. I’m telling you, it’s that times 10.

These girls are incredible. Like I cannot speak more about how wonderful they are, it is truly an honor to be their mother. And I worry often about how good at it I am. I had a really tough upbringing. My parents, I know, did the best they could with the tools they had. But it doesn’t mean that it was always enough. And I talked about that more in my book. Because you know, there’s certain forums for certain things. But I didn’t always have the best examples for parenting. So I’ve invested a lot because I know that it’s important both in therapy and reading and research. And then I also do what I like to call interactive parenting, where I ask my kids for feedback all the time, kind of like clients, right, like, so give me a survey, how do you think I’m doing on a scale of one to 10? You know, or is there someplace that you think I can improve? Or tell me more about that. And if you listen back to some of our episodes, I’ve actually had my little one and my MidTiny, both on previous episodes. So you can definitely listen to kind of their very candid feedback about my parenting but knowing that I helped these girls, you know, we helped each other honestly escape a life of trauma, you know, having their previous mother be someone who has addiction, and, you know, dealing with things on the street that they never should have encountered, and having lots of struggles.

I can’t tell you the immense guilt that I’m not going to lie to you, I still feel, I feel it right now, about bringing a trauma in their life, if you will. And I know some of you right now who, oh, my gosh, I can literally feel my belly flipping. You guys understand what I’m saying? Right? If you are a mom yourself who has gone through or been through divorce, or a big breakup, or you’ve had a partner in your kid’s life, and you know that transition is going to occur, and you know that your kids are going to experience it. There’s a guilt that comes with it. You know, there’s a guilt of, you know, here are these sweet little humans that we’re putting imprints on. And now we’ve entered something in a world that they didn’t choose or elect. And then there’s the other side, right, which is, if you haven’t made that choice, yet, you’re still in the relationship, wondering if you are, which is the sort of lesser evil, is it staying in the relationship because it’s better for them to at least have this vision of a happy, healthy marriage, even if they’re not seeing things they shouldn’t see, in terms of love, affection, care, respect, whatever, you know, or is it better to go and risk this other trauma and when I tell you all, knowing that I was able to provide a place that delivered them from so much trauma, only to say, hey, the family that I thought would be great for us is not one that I can provide to you any longer because I don’t have a partnership that agrees to remain. So I’m sorry, but it’s going to change again.

Y’all like I still feel badly about it. Like it’s, my older ones get it because they were in our home so they were very aware of just some of the underlying nuances and you know, they’re old enough to understand relationships and they know me, you know, deeply and intensely and, you know, they get it. My little one? Well, you know, she’s just like, this has been her dad since she was three. And, you know, the upside is because she does come from an unconventional background, you know, she believes that families can be made in lots of ways. So she’s like, Oh, well, great. Like, I just got another house. And, you know, she did ask me if I would be getting married again, you know, and I told her, hopefully, you know, because I really like being a wife. And I like being a mom. And she asked me if I would have any more kids. And I told her, hopefully, you know, I’d love to have lots of babies. And you know, and she also asked if she could be in the wedding. And I was like, well, girl, you know, your lips to God’s ears. Like if it works out, it works out, you know? So, um, so you know, it’s great, because she does have that very positive, optimistic perspective. And she knows, of course, and the other question she did ask me was, What will our last names be, you know, which kind of hit at my heartstrings a little bit. But she also knows, you know, we can all be family, no matter what last names we have.

And it still didn’t change the fact that I know that when she gets older, she’s gonna have more questions about why it didn’t work. And what I can tell you is that I’m working really hard to get those answers myself. And that’s part of why I do therapy. And that’s part of why I pray. And it’s also why I’ve learned to not be afraid to say, I don’t know, but I’m working on it. And as a mom, I’ve learned that obviously, shame doesn’t serve me. So I don’t want to be ashamed of the fact that a choice was made, and I am doing everything I can to make sure that it doesn’t change the quality of life my girls have, or the love and support that they have. And more than anything, they know that no matter what, on paper, in person, in my heart, and forever, they will always be my babies. Those are my kids and I love them. And you, you know, you don’t divorce children, you know, you’ve divorced parents and partners. And I’m working hard on doubling down on that. Because one thing I’ve had to grant myself grace around, in this season of starting over as a different type of mom, when I wasn’t even sure if I knew how to do it the first time, was just that I’m still learning. And that all I can do is be honest with my kids, as I’m trying to take on this new frontier.

What I’m hoping you’re hearing is that a lot of it is inside work, with a lot of grace. And we think that there’s going to be some miraculous answer or something figured out, where we’re going to know that this is the time we can leave. Or this is the time we can stay. And I want to let you know that if you leave, you’re good enough. And if you stay, you’re good enough. And nothing is going to change about what you deserve, no matter what you decide to do. And if that’s not going to change, then are you going to get what you deserve where you are. And that’s what I had to accept. Not just for me, but for my girls. And I knew that ultimately, even though I felt like I wasn’t fitting the traditional society construct around what a good mom is, and a classic family structure and all that jazz, that in choosing to just double down and be with my kids. That’s all that mattered.

All they ever wanted to know is that we’re not leaving. And that’s the biggest promise that I made to them since the day I met them. I met them on the side of the road in Baltimore. And when I dropped them off at home, I said, I’ll be back. I’m not leaving. And it’s been almost nine years now. And I still say that to them. Every time I leave them every time we go somewhere I say Hey guys, I’m not leaving, make good choices. And they know I’m always here. So a lot of times we put these big, big, big parameters or boundaries and goals and charts around what it is to be a good mom. A good mom cuts the orange wedges and brings the granola bars and the Capri Suns to soccer practice and never misses a rehearsal and always gets them off the bus and gives them a kiss on the forehead and you know, does all these things has dinner on the table. I mean, I don’t know who made all these rules, but if these rules are what’s required, then I’m pretty sure most of us are failing, because I’m the one who is staying in the car for a couple extra minutes outside the target because I just needed a break. You know, I’m the mom who’s sitting in the closet watching Netflix, you know, because I just want to be able to watch my chauffeur, I’m a mom who’s hiding m&ms in the dashboard, because she just wants to eat a snack and not be bothered, okay? Like, and I have to be okay with it, because that is what I can do, you know, and with all of that, I’m the mom, who also had to start over and build a whole new world for these babies that she chose, and that chose her.

And it’s going to be good enough. And it’s gonna be good enough for both of us, because I’m never leaving. And I want to let you guys know that when I sat down and had the conversation, finally, with my girls, where I said to them, things are changing around here, and I have control over some things. I don’t have control over others. But this is what I do know. That our money may look a little different, because I’ve got extra responsibilities now. And I’m maybe starting over with this thing, and I don’t know what’s going to happen. And you know, we’re gonna have different homes, you know, and all these things are changing. How do you feel about that? The only thing that my girls asked me was, Are you going to be there? And I was able to confidently say yes.

So, friend, wherever you are, in your marriage, your relationship, your business, your career, where you’re trying to figure out if the decisions you’re making are going to honor your job and your responsibility, and your desire to be the best mom you can be. I want you to know that we’re all going to screw up. We’re screwing up right now. Grant yourself some grace. Because if you’ve been called to start overwhelmed, that’s what we’re doing here week after week. We’re getting good at that. And we’re learning that that’s a normal, natural part of the process.

And more than anything, if you let your littles know that you will always be there, that you’re not leaving, and that it might look a little different for a while, but Mom always comes back. Believe it or not, that’s not just enough. That’s everything.

Friend, I don’t know if I’m getting it all right. But every week I’m sharing with you a little bit more of what I know. And maybe it’ll change and if it does, I’ll come back. You know, I’ll eat humble pie. I’ll let you know how I got it wrong. Heck, I mean, like I said before, we’ve got a college budget and a therapy budget for these kids. <laughs> But I’m hoping that whatever I’m sharing with you now, as I’m going through this crazy journey, will help make yours a little easier. Because you’re deserving. And honestly, we all deserve.

So that’s my take on being a mom. I’ll let you know if it changes. So send me messages. Let’s keep working this stuff out. It’s a two way conversation. And if you got any tips on being a mom, or you just want to come pick up these kids, let me know. I can’t wait to chat with you next week, friend.

In this episode, we chat about:

• How I’ve handled the many transitions of becoming single unexpectedly from a mom perspective,
• What I remind myself and my kids about change and the unknown,
• How I’m showing up for my kids day in and day out, and
• Why I believe, no matter what happens, my kids and I will continue to thrive

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss our first chat of the season where I give the background of my divorce
• Find the chats I did with Puffin and the MidTiny here and here!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Healing Others & Yourself

Our previous chats have shown me that so many of us are going through a season of starting over, transformation, or change. Healing from what we’ve been through so we can move to the next thing is something my guest knows a lot about. If you haven’t met her before, you are going to be so glad you met her here.

Yasmine Cheyenne is a self-healing advocate, creator of the Sugar Jar Community, and soon-to-be published author with a powerful message around healing others and yourself!

In this chat, Yasmine and I talk about how she helps everyday people heal through her social media posts and work as a whole. She shares how she is healing in the process and the boundaries she has to put up in order to run her business as a business.

Pre-order Yasmine’s book, The Sugar Jar, on Amazon!

Thank you for being here for this chat, friend! Let me know what resonates by tagging me on Instagram @nicolewalters and Yasmine @yasminecheyenne – talk to you there friend!

Nicole:
Hey, friends, I am so excited about this chat because we actually have a friend hanging out with us and you know that I don’t just bring anyone around the besties. This is Yasmine Cheyenne. And I feel like you probably follow her and if you haven’t, you’ve seen her work before. And I’m just so excited for us to connect in a deeper way because the work that she does is incredible.

And I’ll let her do her intro because she’s here and I’m so excited about it. But y’all I’m not kidding when I say this is one for the kids, this is one for the teens, this is one for the mamas, the sisters, all of us we can lean in, because we’re gonna get so much out of this chat. Yasmine, thank you so much for being here today. Girl, I am hype to have everyone meet you.

Yasmine:
Thank you so much for having me. I’m so excited to be here.

Nicole:
You’re incredible. So okay, first and foremost, I don’t want to minimize your title, because you really do encompass so much. I mean, you’re truly one of those multi-hyphenates. So just give us a quick, high level because I know we’re gonna dive into all the things that you do for the world.

Yasmine:
Yes, so I’m a self-healing advocate, first and foremost. I have an app, the sugar drop community app, that makes self-healing more accessible every single day. I’m an author. I’m a mom, I’m a friend. But primarily I’m trying to allow people to see that self healing can be easy and something that we can do every day. And it doesn’t have to be a whole routine. You don’t have to change your whole life. It’s just the step by step by step minutes and moments that create that vast change that we’re seeking.

Nicole:

Incredible and necessary because I know this whole season of the Nicole Walters podcast is all about starting over. It’s all about the different ways that we have to approach life because you know, everything you think might be working on away in a pandemic, or hit or a divorce will happen, or a kid will get sick. And, you know, we’ll say to ourselves, we got to start over, but part of starting over is healing. And we know that a lot of times we either avoid healing, or we think it’s too overwhelming. So we won’t take all the steps. And I just love that your space here is really I mean, you even provide little micro healing moments through your Instagram, which is how I found you. So tell us a little bit more about that.

Yasmine:
Yes. So my goal in 2017 was to just share a little bit every single day. And that really wasn’t for everyone else, it was more so for me, it was a commitment, like, I can write everyday, I can do this. And I think also sometimes when your reality doesn’t match your dream, at the time, being an author was the goal, a published author, I’m a writer, but you think, okay, if I deny reality, then I’m not being positive. Like if I’m, I’m looking at the reality that I’m not actually a published author. So I was like, No, regardless, I’m going to write and put my work out there and give people an opportunity to see what my purpose is.

Nicole:
Amazing. Amazing. And that is there. I mean, that’s so loaded with lessons, I think, first and foremost, the thing that I extract from it is that in the very work that you’re doing every single day to heal and accomplish your goals, you actually have healed and helped others. So for those of you guys who aren’t familiar with Yasmine’s work, I mean, if you go to her Instagram, and it’s easy, YasmineCheyenne, and you can just find her there, she puts out every single day, sometimes more than once a day, I guess, based on how you’re inspired various phrases. And I hesitate to even say that they’re quote cards, because they’re not. And some of them are affirmation. Some of them are just like statements of truth that we need to know about ourselves.

And that’s how I came across her was, you know, these well worded everything that I needed to hear, you know, phrase just so much encompassed on a couple of different lines, but it was exactly what I needed when I find them. And it’s, she’s one to follow, because it always seems well timed. And she always has a great word that is applicable in this season. And I find it interesting that you know, this all started from a place of I don’t want to call it healing for yourself. But you know, a commitment. Yeah, a goal, something you needed to do. And what a lesson for all of us.

Yasmine:
Yes, you know, I think it’s so important because everything that I do online is about and all of my business is about serving, period, right? But if I’m not serving myself, and I’m not showing up for myself, then I’m not really giving my fullness to what I’m doing. And I’m also not being honest with myself, because the truth is people think, Oh, she writes every day, this must be easy for her. It’s not easy to write everyday.

Nicole:
Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, wait, let’s talk about that for a minute. So, y’all, I know that we could talk all day “about the how do you help people heal?” And what’s your best quote, y’all you know, how we do it? Do we are all friends in a room? Let’s talk about the real stuff. So your job, you know, right? Because you do this full time now, you know, and it’s helping people heal. It’s putting out tools of healing and empowering them to do that, which is incredible and incredible work but it’s a heavy lift. Yes. Now about that heavy lift. I don’t think too often we realize that some of the people who inspire us most are people, humans, with their own stuff. So I want to ask you, what’s it like showing up for so many people? I mean, you have hundreds of 1000 followers? What’s it like showing up for regular people every day in some of our hardest moments, you knowing that you’re experiencing them as well?

Yasmine:
Yeah, you know, the number one thing I always remind myself is, I’m a human. I’m learning, I’m living, I have no idea what’s going to happen next. And although I may have the wisdom and the clarity, and thank goodness, like the alignment to be able to share with other people, and help them transform and get through those changing times. At the same time, I’m going through things that I’m like, What do I do next, right?

And so I think reminding myself that I don’t have to be an expert in this as a recovering perfectionist, I’m reminding myself, this doesn’t have to be perfect. I just need to share what feels true and feels aligned. And that helps me so much because we talked about this but like there’s going to be times where that post is only for the one person that for some reason I was called to write that post for.

Nicole: Yes, yes!

Yasmine:
And I try to remind myself as much as as hard as it is because this is also a business but as well what I’m writing and what I’m sharing is truly for people to be especially the content I share on Instagram, the free content is always going to be there because I’m sharing it for people to be able to have that word that might help them just take that next step because I know I need that.

Nicole:
So, so good. And I hope you guys are hearing like I mean one look at how good she is at this stuff. I mean honestly every sentence you say is a lesson you know and so, so valuable but I think what’s really interesting about what you were sharing there is that all of us in our moments where things are hard and we feel called to be and do and support so many different people in the in the act of showing up if we still stay in alignment care for ourselves grant ourselves grace, remember we’re human, it one gives us the fuel to keep going and to also allows us to know sort of where we supposed to be where we not supposed to be, you know, so do you ever find that you have moments um I love asking this because one might identify you as an influencer of sorts, you know, and I think a lot of us hesitate to use that title. I don’t like using that title for myself. But as somebody who has influence over people’s minds and hearts, do you ever find yourself saying, Hey, this is a no go for me? Like, this is a territory I shouldn’t go into, this isn’t where I should cross?

Yasmine:
Absolutely. I always ask myself the intention of why I’m sharing what I’m sharing. That’s good. I never share anything that feels like oh, it’s for this or it’s for connecting.

Nicole: Or ego!

Yasmine:
Yes ego or anything like that. I also don’t share things that I’m working through. Like if I’m sharing something that I’m working through, it’s because I’ve worked through it.

Nicole:
Yes, share your scars and not just scabs.

Yasmine:
Yes. Right. And so it’s like this thing that I remind myself that, yes, and I agree with you on the influence. So like, I kind of shy away from it because of the connotation tied to it. And also, I have to stand in the truth like that is part of what the world is today.

Nicole:
And that’s what I love about your content in particular. And I think it’s a reason why a lot of my internet besties connect with me here is because we’re truthy, you know what I mean? We’re truthy in the hot mess, we’re truthy in we don’t have it all figured out. And that we’re really just trying our best to balance what we can balance and show up are best. And that’s one of the things I love about your content in general is that it’s not I almost want to say like sickeningly sweet, you know what I mean? It’s, it’s honest, and it’s real. And sometimes it is, it comes down to being as simple as, Hey, girl, it’s hard today, you know, do the best you can, you may not be able to do all of it. But it’s just gonna be hard. You know, I mean, you’re far more eloquent than I am here. Because you are the writer, you are the author. But you know, it really is that now how does that feel to show up in the self help world, this healing world and know that your language and your voice is a little different? Because I think so many of us struggle with, “Well, I want to do this thing, but this is how everyone else does it. Do I have to do it this way, too?”

Yasmine:
Yeah, you know, I think I knew that toxic positivity couldn’t be a part of my community, it just couldn’t. The oneness community is full with so many checklists, do these five things, and it’ll be great or buy this book and then when you get to the end, like your life’s gonna be fixed. I’m here to tell you that you might have many disappointments, and many tragedies and chance transformations and changes that you wish you never had to go through. And I’m just trying to share the tools that will help you navigate when you feel like you don’t know if you can keep going.

Nicole:
Oh, it’s so good. And it’s and you’re right, because especially you know, I’ve shared here about my divorce I’ve shared about, you know, wanting to shut down my business, keeping it up and just being in so many different things. And the thing that I’ve learned is that you’re going to have to start over, you’re gonna have to get through the hard that problems will occur. Life is the meeting and solving of problems. And really what we’re looking for is not some miraculous solution to make problems go away forever. What we’re looking for is someone who can stand by our side as we’re going through them and hold our hand and say, girl, keep going, you’ll be okay. You’ll make it through.

Yasmine:
Yeah, so I think we’re actually searching for the miraculous solution. And then in the search for that we realize that that ain’t it.

Nicole:
I know, listen, listen, that if that isn’t a whole word, because I know that you know, my story, of course, coming from corporate America and being in the business space, I came into this internet space, and I was like, Wait, so everyone can make six figures? Wait, so everyone is a millionaire. I mean, I knew the stats on it. Statistically, it is not possible that everyone is a millionaire.

Yasmine: It just isn’t.

Nicole:
There aren’t that many in America that way. Like it just isn’t possible. Now, it is possible that someone may have made a million dollars over the course of their business. But what is the math on that? You know what I mean? Oh, absolutely, you know, and it’s very possible that someone has a ton of wisdom and a ton of clarity, and a ton of insight that can help you change and transform your life, you should listen to them, you should benefit. But if your situation is one where you have a mental health issue, and you didn’t therapists girl, go see a clinician, you know, with a degree who can prescribe, you know, and getting into this space and knowing that we including myself, are responsible for treading the water of using our platform well, but also honoring sort of our scope of qualifications. You know, while still trying to help the best we can.

It can be tough, you know, and I don’t know about you, but I always have been very clear on I know what I know and I know what I don’t know, absolutely. What ends up in your DMs sometimes, though?

Yasmine:
I mean everything from what medicine should I take, you know, what should I do about my divorce? Should I leave? And I think it’s important to recognize that first of all, I can only answer those questions if you are my client.

Nicole:
Absolutely. First and foremost. Yeah, first and foremost, just good business practice.

Yasmine:
Yeah. But then and also, most of my clients, actually all of my clients see a therapist because I’m not a licensed clinician. 100% and I always make the distinction of you know, when I’m coaching I call it spiritual teaching, but coaching or guiding, I’m helping to reveal the things to you that you may not have happening at therapists office because they have a different role. And also, I’m not going to tell you whether you need to take medication or not like that’s their their role.

Nicole: Absolutely.

Yasmine:
So I think people need to understand that like self healing tools, what I teach is what happens outside the therapist’s office, most people only see their therapists twice a month. That’s right. And that’s like, on the higher end, some people haven’t only afford once once a month.

Nicole:
I’m the twice a week type, but that’s because of how much of a mess I am. And that would be why I need one session a week for everybody else who starts with me, and one session a week for myself.

Yasmine:
I used to be the two times a week too, listen, 2015. But yeah, I definitely recognize that there is these, these tools that we need outside. And it’s like, when you’re not in a therapist’s office, what are we doing when we get that text? What are you doing when you get that phone? What are you doing what your boss tries you?

Nicole:
Well, honestly, it’s about applying the information. It’s kind of like going into your doctor’s office and saying, Hey, I like to lose weight, I like to get healthier. But then afterwards, you need to work with nutritionists, your trainer, and all these different people. And the same thing people don’t realize, I mean, you come from a corporate background as well so you understand, but as a consultant, I say it all the time. Look, my job isn’t to be your accountant, your lawyer, your bookkeeper, my job is to make sure you have all the right people in the right roles, doing the right work. And then making sure you know what needs to be done because you don’t know what you don’t know. And I think that that’s why people sometimes forget that if you are hiring a coach or you’re hiring, you know, a healer or teacher or someone who’s so it’s to support some of the scientific clinical work that you may require, it’s usually not an either or. It’s not a substitute, because you may not want to walk in certain doors, you know, you may need both, sometimes just sitting down in the therapist’s office is not it, you may need to see someone like Yasmine or a coach in order to support you actually executing on the things that you’re hearing in that therapist chair.

Yasmine:
Absolutely. And it’s also a storytelling, you know, a therapist’s office is a non reciprocal relationship, you’re not going to know much that’s good therapy relationship, you’re not going to know anything. And so I’m not sharing my whole life story. But if they have a question, or there’s something that they’re interested in, I’m able to reflect a lot of what I share on social media is a reflection of lessons that I’ve learned and even like in writing my book, choosing to tell my own story, versus telling clients stories and things like that, it was really important for me to share with people that like a lot of what I share is one, the actual educational courses and classes and things that I’ve been through, but also life experience and being on the other side of that, and I think that that’s why I love healing and therapy, because sometimes you go to a therapist, and you think, Oh, this is the expert, they’re not human, they just know everything. And that’s what that relationship is supposed to be so that you get some more data. And then when you see a healer, you get to see kind of the other side of like, okay, they’re helping me.

Nicole:
It’s more dynamic. I always talk about, you’ve got your pastor and your therapist, you know, so your pastor is not going to say, look, some of these things are presenting, as you know, clinical diagnosis of misbehavior, your pastor is going to say, well, what are you doing in your daily life to help support these things through prayer, spiritual practices, whatever, but let’s never confuse one for the other. Yeah, and let’s never think we don’t need one or the other. You know, I personally, for years, tried working out by myself. But when I got a trainer, it changed everything. Because what I found was I was working out incorrectly, I had the desire, I knew the workout that I needed to do, and I was showing up to get it done. But having the support of someone side by side with me to just simply say, in a dynamic relationship, hey, you actually need to straighten your back more, hey, you need to actually squat down even lower. That simple correction actually made the exercises I was doing anyways, have a result.

So absolutely a big deal. So for those you guys who are listening and saying to yourself, I don’t know about therapy, I’m not sure about this, or I’ve been trying I’m not seeing change, maybe the answer is that you work with a coach side by side who can support you, you know, to really help you execute and get that change now, because we’re diving into what you do as a business. Let’s talk about that a little more. Because, you know, my DMs can be crazy with people respond. I love my DMs, like make no mistake for me, it feels like I’m texting with my girls, you know, and I know, it’s such an honor and a privilege, right? That people will say yes, even feel safe to share stuff like that with you. And I, you know, it’s also a reflection of us, right? Because we’re sharing, you know, pretty vulnerably. But, you know, there are some moments where it’s like, I worry about this being a healthy boundary, you know, and what’s safe. And also, there’s an element of running a business because I also don’t like doing business in my DMs because the best way for me to serve you is to not get some bullet points around your finances and your problem. It’s to set aside time. So in your situation, transitioning into making this a business full time, I want to know more about how that’s felt for you. Providing for people in this way. Does it feel easy? Does it feel comfortable? Is it scary? What’s that like?

Yasmine:
So the easiest thing that I do is when I’m serving, when I’m talking, when I’m doing other things. The other part is like, you know, the not hobby stuff, right? Because if you’re in business, it’s like you have to have a P&L, you have to have an account, you have to have your tax, you know, all of those things. And so it’s been very interesting, recognizing that a lot of what I did I told you in corporate and being in the background of corporate and government I did this for other people doing it for myself. There’s so much more emotion attached and just all of those things that I thought and I say this to my clients all the time, every time you think you’ve healed something, it’s probably an indication that it’s going to come back again, like anytime I always think that that’s a little bit of ego, like, Oh, I’m done with that, okay, buckle up.

The recovering perfectionist parts of me, all of those different things begin to present themselves again. Even though I left my job, January 1 2021, I was on the Today Show January 7, 2021, like, things just were aligning and things were going great. There was still this inner critic, part of me that was like you’re not doing enough, is not pushing hard enough. And I think it’s important to say this out loud, because we can sometimes put people that we follow online on this pedestal, massive pedestal, and we think, Oh, she’s sharing this because she has worked it all out, and everything’s perfect. And I am still learning how to be a friend to myself, and talk to myself the way that I would talk to a client, a friend, my children, when it comes to business. So at the same time, I’m also honoring that the boundaries have to be in place. And being a responsible business owner means being honest with myself about what’s really happening and reaching out for those resources and support and all of those different things. So it’s been a really, it’s been a growth experience.

Nicole:
Sure. Isn’t a nice, we’re all growing all the time. No, I mean, you nailed it, because I think sometimes people are afraid to even show vulnerability in certain areas, because we think we have to have it all together everywhere, or else that’s not good enough. So for me, you know, my weight had been a struggle for so many years, as I was working through different solutions for my health, not for cosmetic and appearance reasons, but you know, just to be fitter for my children. And, and for myself, you know, and it was something that I always felt like, Man, if I don’t have a handle on this, how will anyone trust me in business? And, I mean, really learning that like, No, you can be an amazing, transformative, you know, healer, consultant, and coach, and also still have areas of your life where the same things you talk about still present themselves, frankly, it’s part of what makes you good at what you do. Because you know, what it is and how you’re working, you’re working it through, you know, and sometimes it gets scary to feel like you can’t be both things.

Yasmine:
Absolutely. And I’m a New Yorker, right? I’m from Brooklyn. So like, hustle was a part of my DNA. I’m a veteran, a military veteran. So that’s a part of my DNA. And so it’s like no emotion, no struggle, power through. And so actually being vulnerable and sharing my story is like evidence yes, that I am doing the work. I’m doing the work. Because I would have suffered through before.

Nicole:
Absolutely. Yeah. And also felt like, you know, honestly, a point of pride almost, you know, it’s like, I’m getting it done, and it looks clean. Even though inside I’m a little bit torn up. So no, I totally understand. I mean, frankly, that’s why I don’t even want to be on a pedestal. Are y’all listening right now. This is why I show you in my stash my Spanx. My bonnet. Okay, no makeup, I figure if I set that bar good and low. We’ll keep that bar low. The expectation will be I shop at Target, I eat cheese. I will literally go live with crumbs on my face. Y’all have no expectations of me. So that that way, when I look nice, you can talk to me nice.

Yasmine:
That’s true. I spent a few months in my robe. Because I was like, You know what, this is who I am.

Nicole:
This is what we got. You know what I mean? Because if we know it, then we’re not shocked yet emotionally. Because I’m shocked every morning. I’m like, Wow, you look different. No, but this I mean, it’s so true. And I think that, again, a lot of people may look at people with platforms in an aspirational way. And you know, it is an honor, it is a privilege, neither of us are complaining about it. Because we are so blessed to do the work that we’re doing. You know, it’s purposeful. But it also can be difficult, you know, because you are put onto this pedestal, which means that you feel like you have further to fall.

And it’s always my hope that when people are looking at us or listening to us here that they realize that no, truly, we’re all sitting in the same room at the same table. And they’re no different from us, we just may be a couple of steps ahead or done something a little bit different. But at the end of the day, we’re still real, we still are hot messes. We’re still chasing after the kids. We’re so spilling on our clothes, we’re still afraid, you know, all these things are very normal.

Yasmine:

Yeah. Still cussing at the stoplight. Like listen, I definitely have these moments where I’m just like, especially as it comes to social media, reminding myself that like this is just a part of what I do. And I think, you know, until recently, I’ve always had a pretty healthy relationship with social media. But I think even in the like, currently, as we’re recording this, I took a break from social media, just recognizing that it was coming up a little bit too much in my mind. And I think sure, you know, for folks listening, like taking breaks and I think social media breaks even have become a little cliche.

Nicole:
They have, like I’m taking a break, I’m detoxing for a few months, just because it was such a crazy notion that people would do from before but now it’s become this trendy thing where it’s like hi guys so you know, this is just another example of how awesome my business is because I just took three months off and oh girl it’s like the airport right? I mean, if you’re gonna depart just go.

Yasmine:
But like just saying that, you know, when it’s your business, taking a break is very different. And giving myself permission to say like whatever I need to do when I come back I’ll do that and I love sharing and I know people look forward to my posts every morning. And that’s my favorite thing to do. And also, my point here is I had to take care of myself. Yes. Like, I had to see that I needed a break. I needed rest, whether or not I’m still writing every morning. I’m just not sharing it with y’all.

Nicole:
That’s right. Well, no, let’s talk about that part. So, I mean, and this is, I think, a great segue, because one, we can start talking about your book and kind of how that’s a different direction. I’m also writing a book, it’s this What am I sharing? What am I not sharing? You know? So I mean, especially when you are in the healing space, or the self help, aspirational space. I mean, there is this pressure to be profound. And it’s like every single post, sometimes it can feel overwhelming, because it’s like, Man, I got nothing today. I am dry, I have no quotes. I have no inspiration today was just hard. The kid spilled goldfish crackers in the backseat, I’m keeping it together, right? Y’all, y’all aren’t gonna get anything, you know, and I’ve always held sort of a rule of I only speak if I have something to say, you know, and if I don’t, y’all aren’t getting a post today, you all are getting social.

And for the past two years, when I was going through my divorce, you know, in that transition, I really posted, I mean, as frequently as once every two weeks. Yeah. And that goes from going live daily, you know, and there are parts of me that in that grieving process where I should have been all in, I was also guilting, in that process, because I felt like that might leave these people hanging, what’s going on, you know, and you don’t know all my people, but they’re amazing. And literally, like people listening right now, when I finally came back, they were like, girl, why didn’t you just say that you needed to go? We love you, go do your work. Just don’t worry about us, you know? And that’s how people mostly are. But how have you dealt with that? Because there is that pressure with this being your business and knowing that you serve a community, like when you leave, like, I’m gonna leave my people hanging? Like, how does that feel?

Yasmine:
It definitely has felt like that. And I can feel myself like, you know, when I was writing the book, I was still posting every day, and I was writing and it felt good.

Nicole:
But you’re not sharing everything like usual.

Yasmine:
Yeah. And I think recognizing that, whether you’re my friend, my partner and my children, I can only give what I have capacity for. And I love my community. And yet, if I share out of a place of “I have to” that is like the key for resentment, anger, or me to share things that are not really in alignment just for you to have this post. What I share I actually care about sharing what I feel like is good to share. And so I have things to share right now but also I can feel that the my energy is not in it.

Nicole:
Sure. Sure. Sure.

Yasmine:
So pulling back has been a practice of what I preach. If I was coaching me, I would say now, obviously, I understand to nine to five, you don’t get to be like, Oh, my energy’s not good.

Nicole:
Right, right. Right, like this is a job, you need to pay the bills, so you’re gonna need to muster up some energy. Right?

Yasmine:
Got it. And I still have obligations that I have to keep. But social media is an extension of what I do. It is not my actual business. I’m not an actual influencer. And I had to like reframe that.

Nicole:
That’s good. That’s good. This applies everywhere, though, everywhere, like being a mother is one of the things that I do but it isn’t my whole being. Yes. You know, being a consultant is a skill that I have and a blessing I’m able to engage in but it’s not my whole being. And I think when we stop identifying and validating ourselves so heavily with these things, we won’t be as dictated by what they require, whether it’s monetary, or social expectations, or anything visual, like it’s just becomes a lot freer to start saying, Look, if this is just the thing that I do and not who I am, it’s actually okay, if it sits because I don’t need to always do it.

Yasmine:
Yeah. And if I’m like taking my first break since 2017, like reminding myself that, like, I deserve breaks, I deserve rest, hey, actually, I should probably make this a normal thing. And I love sharing with my community. And also, I have to take care of myself. And I think like the pressure of what to share, or what not to share. Like for example, I don’t share my kids. I don’t share my family on social media. And I think it’s just recognizing this is what I’m comfortable with, like boundaries I teach boundaries are everything. And it translates into everything that I do in my regular life and what we all should be doing, recognizing, like, you have that friend who’s like, just ordered the appetizer or come on, just tell me it’s like reminding myself that I don’t have to do anything.

Nicole:
That’s exactly right, that you don’t have to share it. I mean, that’s something that I will be talking about in future episodes as I am many years out from, you know, sort of starting this divorce process and closing that out and healed in a whole new way. And I’ve actually just started dating and you know, I met someone and I’m excited about it, but also approaching this a little differently because I had a very public family brand the first time and while I’m not embarrassed or scared to share who this person is in their name, and their face, whether or not they will be part of my brand or showing up every day or you know, on my feed is another story. You know, I’m happy to let people know that this person exists and I’m proud of them. But will they be part of the day to day I don’t know yet you know, and what’s great is that’s my boundary that I’m able to you know, and it can change it can stay the same. It can be but it won’t be dictated by what I do. It’ll be dictated by who I am.

So oh, so good. So Yeah, I mean, guys, I hope you’re catching all these gems, I hope you’re hearing all this goodness. I mean, Yasmine is brilliant with this stuff. So what’s in your book? Because I know that we’ve right loaded question. What is it? You’re telling me? What’s your book? We want to know, no loaded question. But the truth is, I thought that your book, I’m not gonna lie to you, it was going to be more of these good quotes, bullet point after bullet point, like, expanded Instagram gems, which is exciting as a notion, but then you told me what it’s gonna be. And I’m like, I need this book yesterday. So tell me more about how you’re approaching it and how it’s going to help us.

Yasmine:
Yes, I’m a writer, first and foremost. And so I was so excited to be able to expand on you know, the capacity limits that social media provides with writing. The sugar jar is the framework in which I teach and just a short synopsis of it is the jar is us. The sugar is our energy, the lid is the boundaries. And with that framework, we’re able to assess how much energy do I want to give? How much do I have? And by the way, do I even have a lid on the jar? Oh, that’s coming inside. And so the book is going to help us expand on that but instead of like walking through, like, oh, I had a client who was going through this, I just want to walk through my life.

Nicole:

That is so flipping brave. I mean, and I say this from someone who’s on that same boat, I mean, people are like, Oh, Nicole, write the business book, which I could you know what I mean, and it would be killer, and it would make me tons of money, and I would change lots of lives. However, the book that I sold in my huge deal was a memoir, because they were like, Hey, so you captured these babies, you’re getting divorced. We want to know, how are you still standing? Do you know how scary, do you know, of course, you know, because your book that you’re writing, it is so scary to be able to write a book with yourself as the context, most people do not do that at all.

Yasmine:
It’s like blowing yourself open.

Nicole: It is.

Yasmine:
And I didn’t realize how personal I got until I read the book again. Because when you’re writing it, you’re just in it, you’re telling the story, you’re editing, and you’re like watching from outside the room describing what you’re seeing when you see it. And you’re like when we’re selling this. And if there’s this experience of Well, first of all, it’s too late this is what is coming out.

Nicole:
Listen, you’re speaking to a void. So you’re like, I don’t even know how this is gonna be received. But it’s too late. It’s too late.

Yasmine:
But like reminding people, I’m so excited for this, because it’s an opportunity. The reason why I share my story is not just to tell my story, but for people to see themselves in my story and recognize and not just like, as a black woman. And we don’t always get self help books like that.

Nicole:
Are you kidding me? Like? Absolutely not. I mean, almost the time, our black female stories that are told to self help are told from a place of strict trauma. Where it’s like, I went through so many traumatic things, and I’m still standing Yeah, versus, you know, no, understand that I had lessons as I went, and here’s the evolution and my trauma served a purpose, you know, instead of just less kind of glorifying and stare at this trauma. So that’s exciting, because that alone is new and fresh.

Yasmine:
Yes and I think people need to recognize to like, I mean, obviously, the book is for everyone, but recognizing that like, there is a different way that I feel black women aren’t often held in wellness as well. And I talked about that in the book. But I think that understanding that that we heal differently, but that culture doesn’t support the way in which we need to experience.

Nicole:
Or just some of the things that we uniquely go through that people aren’t aware of.

Yasmine:
Right, so it gives life to what it’s like to walk in our shoes.

Nicole:
And so that’s valuable for everyone to everyone, because if I’m reading that, and I am not a black woman, I now can understand a little bit more about the person next to me to be able to say, hey, you know, this is actually valuable insight to me, because I know that I’m dealing with these issues. I never understood that these issues were existing in this context. Yeah, but boy, can I relate a little better and anything that brings us closer together now is a good thing. So I love that you’re hitting on that.

Yasmine:
Absolutely. And just knowing too that it’s not like read from the purpose of oh, this happened and then you know, being black this is just like, this is the black lens. And this is what should be on probably every book.

Nicole:
Yes, always.

Yasmine:
But since it’s not like this is what it’s on here and so I’m credible.

Nicole:
I love it. Oh my gosh, well, one can I get this book now? I mean, like I personally because I’m an influencer, hair toss, hair flip, you can email me an advanced copy, hair toss, hair flip. And I would love to be able to read it because also Lord knows I need it because you know that pedicel in that bar is low. So please help me get my stuff together. But aside from that, when can people get a copy of this, I mean like give us the exclusive here I got my friends in the room.

Yasmine:
So it’s available for pre-order right now. It’s called the Sugar Jar and you can get on Amazon all the places and I’m just so excited for you all to get this book.

Nicole:
Y’all please get this book. What I love about this is you know how I am I want something actionable. I want something practical, I want something tactical, but it has got to be done with heart. Do not bullet point me to death. Do not tell me to wake up at 4am with a bunch of journals. I cannot do it on today. You know, I want to be able to take away what I need to take away but do it through storytelling and this is this is it. So definitely grab the Sugar Jar. It’s available on Amazon. We’ll have the details in the show notes for you so you’ll be able to listen to that.

Yasmine, you are just such a gift. Like I am so blessed to know you. I am so grateful for the way that you show up and it’s a real privilege to have you here because I know I can feel the way God is using you and the light that you are shining into this world and this is if I’ve never said before the beginning and I cannot wait for you to not act brand new when you are famous and come back here. Okay. I don’t want to hear you can’t use my yacht. I’m busy. I don’t want to hear that. Okay. I really don’t. I don’t want to hear oh, Nicole will have to slot you in on my show. No, I would like to be on the show please, Yasmine. Okay, so thank you for being here today.

Yasmine:
Thank you for having me girl.

Nicole:
Let me in later when you get super, super famous. This was a blast. I appreciate you.

Yasmine: Thank you

In this episode, Yasmine and I chat about:

• How she helps everyday people heal through her social media posts,
• What the sugar jar is,
• How Yasmine focuses on healing others and yourself,
• The boundaries Yasmine has to put up in order to run her business as a business

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Find Yasmine HERE and on Instagram
• Pre-order Yasmine’s book, The Sugar Jar, on Amazon!
• Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss our last chat with musician, Tito Rey!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.