Letting Go

by Nicole Walters | May 17, 2022

Babies & Boundaries

by Nicole Walters | May 10, 2022

Babies & Boundaries

One of the special things about this new season is that I’m going to be sharing more of my favorite people with you and today we’re kicking that off with the most legendary guest who has a lot of experience with babies & boundaries.

This guest came into my life and changed everything and she’s going to be speaking on the subject of boundaries but not just any boundaries — healthy boundaries with our kids.

Before we chat with our incredible guest, I’m answering two questions you sent me! In this Q&A section we talk about how to re-think “balance” when it comes to the responsibilities we have as moms, partners, entrepreneurs, employees, sisters, etc. We also talk about adult friendships and what to do if you can’t trust a friend anymore.

To send me your questions, click HERE!

Friend, thank you for being here and for the love, care, and prayers you’ve sent me the last few weeks. I have felt it all. I’m so glad that we’re doing this together!

Nicole: Hey y’all so I am so excited to be back again with another episode. I know that our first episode of the season really kicked off with a story, but what’s fun about this one is that we’re going to go into our normal format and our format is so fun because it actually is really dynamic and it includes you.

So in the Nicole Walters podcast. You now get to hear you. We’re always going to kick off with some Q & A, and that means that you have the opportunity. If you head over to Instagram @ NicoleWalters, to leave me a question about business, about life, about family, about money, about anything.

And if I’ve got an answer or I know someone who does you better believe that I’m going to bring that answer to you right here. And after we finished our Q and a we’ll dive right into what I love and called. Don’t make yourself content. I tell you, week after week, there are different things that are happening in this world.

And I just want to offer a fresh take on it. And that take really has to do okay. Things based on my experience, one as a child of an immigrant, as a black woman, as a Christian, as somebody who’s trying their darndest to show up in this world the best way. And as someone who’s flawed and imperfect, and just like you, uh, there’s so much out there where I think people are getting caught up in language and thoughts and processes and values that are not grace-filled. So I just want to make sure that we have an opportunity to look at things a different way and don’t make yourself content is all about that. And of course, there’s always a lesson in it because we all have something to learn.

After “Don’t make yourself content,” we will dive into a Storytime and you know, our story times are legendary here. They are so funny and so powerful and so impactful. And it really is my opportunity to put a little bit of color behind the social media, where it may be a little black and white, or we’ll begin chatting with an awesome interview. And our interviews here are not like what you’re used to. I know that podcasts are just filled with the next fancy person coming on or somebody selling or slinging their stuff. And, uh, I’ve never really been big on interviews. I really value our time here to be able to chat as friends and use our time that way and connect. But if there’s someone that I need you to meet, if there’s something that I need you to know, or an expert who honestly knows it better than I do, I want to bring them to you right away.

And I want. Here in our safe space. So that’s what you can always expect next.

And I want to let you know that today on this one, I’m actually kicking off with one of my first interviews that I’ve ever done. I think in the three seasons of the Nicole Walters podcast, I probably only ever done gosh, three interviews, maybe four.

And, um, today’s guest is legendary. I mean, truly one of the most impactful people. She came into my life and changed my life. And, um, and she’s actually going to be speaking on a subject that’s really important to me. And I’d kind of want to start talking about it now. Um, she’s going to be chatting all about boundaries.

And we know that boundaries are important. We know that they affect our life. We know that they are impactful. And, um, and she’s going to come on and talk about boundaries, uh, not just with you, but parental boundaries, boundaries with children and respecting their autonomy in an ever more public and visible world.

And, um, and then also some tips around how to engage with your children as your teaching boundaries and how to leverage your responsibilities. So I couldn’t think of a better person to bring on. So. Stay tuned for that one, because it is chock full of goodness. And of course, like all of our episodes, unless I give you a warning, otherwise it’s totally cool for the family to stay in the room.

So if you’re listening to this in the car with my internet nieces and nephews, listening in the background, I love y’all. Um, you know, you can turn up the volume on this one, cause it’s all set now before I get into all that, goodness, because it’s amazing. Let’s go ahead and answer some Q and a. Now we have some great messages come through.

Uh, thank you guys for always being so open to keep this a dynamic conversation. And this first one is from Porsche.

Porsche: How do you balance new life, new marriage, new career and infertility issues?

Nicole: Oh, sounds like you are carrying a lot friend. And, um, first and foremost, I’m just praying for you and not just you, but anyone who is, uh, going through a lot of transitions in their life. And of course, you know, on top of that, struggling with infertility. It’s not easy to want to create life or to create something with a partner, um, and not have ease in doing that.

But I am, you know, standing in agreement that everyone will have their breakthrough when they’re seeking it. And, you know, as a mother of children who, you know, as an adoptive mother of three children. And, uh, I personally haven’t struggled with infertility issues, but I also understand what it’s like to raise children who, um, may not have been blessed in an ideal situation where they were wanted.

I understand the other side of it, you know, wanting children and struggling with being able to have that. And there’s nothing more beautiful than a child that’s wanted. So just praying over you and praying over anyone, listening, who may be challenged with that right now, now Porsche, the first thing I want to let you know, and I hope you hear me when I say this.
You’ve got to stop putting pressure on yourself to feeling like you’re supposed to be in balance. When you talk about a marriage, when you talk about a career, when you talk about just trying to live and keep up with everything on top of setting goals around starting a family, it’s a lot, it’s a lot, and I’ll be the first one to tell you that balance is bogus. It really is. The best we can ever do is just try to juggle as much as we can. Right. If we’ve got balls in the air, we just want to make sure that we’re not dropping ones that are glass, things that have to do with our health, things that have to do with our faith, things that have to do with our children.

When we do have them, you know, these are the things that are the most fragile and we want to make sure we kind of keep those going, but everything else is kind of rubber. You know, if there’s a due date at work that is putting an undue stress in your life. Use your communication skills to talk to your boss and say, look, I want to turn in my best work. Is there any flexibility here to make sure that I have the room to do that?

Uh, what I found is that whenever things are getting really out of balance, it’s usually a sign that I was in flux with my boundaries. I’ve either over committed or I’ve set expectations that I’m able to do more than I actually can or I put myself in a place where I’ve set these goals. That may be a little loftier. And I haven’t looked at the timeframe that was reasonable to accomplish them without compromising other things. Now, as someone who. I’ve said before, you know, like my friend, Jen always says a seasoned chicken, not a spring chicken, you know, I’ve been, I’ve been around the block a little bit.

Uh, I can tell you that I remember turning 30 and feeling like I was supposed to have done it all. I was supposed to have every single, you know, I checked and T crossed the house, the marriage, the home that I was supposed to have everything done. And one thing that I know, you know, a couple of years into it that not only is that not a reasonable expectation, but I’ve let go of when things are supposed to be done.

And I’m more focused on how they’re done. I want to make sure that I show up into my most successful moments, feeling healthy and good about how I got there. And that’s the shift that I hope that you embrace Porsche. I hope that you understand that nothing matters more than being in the present and enjoying the journey.

So if you’re newly married, focus on that. Celebrate! Love and be excited about your partner. If you are starting a new career, focus on that! You know, focus on being able to do the best you can, where you are learning and asking questions and developing relationships that are going to be fruitful. And if you’re wanting to start a family and there feels like there’s some urgency around that, understand that everything happens at the right time. I was married for seven years before my three girls showed up in my world. And for those of you who are listening are new here, and you’re wondering, how did she become an adoptive mom? That is episode one, the very first episode of the Nicole Walters podcast. And it deserves a dedicated episode because the story is a mindblower. So definitely go back and listen to that.

But Porsche, I do want to let you know. And we were married for seven years and I didn’t expect at any moment to round that corner in Baltimore and stumble into these incredible children. And I definitely at no moment was planning to be a mom, but one thing led to the next, it evolved and it has become the greatest blessing and privilege and honor in my life.

So I also wanna encourage you to know that families are built in a lot of different ways and little did I know my children were born and walking around this world for years and I just hadn’t met them yet.

So the time will come where you’ll be able to invite that love into your life one way or another. But I do want you to know that right now, you are still worthy. You are still valuable. You are not measured in your accomplishments, around your marriage, your fertility, or your career. And that you’re allowed to have joy in this moment, even if you’re not doing a single thing, but sitting on the couch, eating chips. So I’m sending my love to you. And I’m hoping that you recognize that there’s joy in today.

[16:28]
Hi Nicole. I was wondering how do you, um, release a friendship that has been great for you? It’s helped you grow, you’re so thankful and supportive of that person, and you try to show that you care and do as much as you can for them to reciprocate what they’ve been.
But then you just kind of feel that, you know, that’s coming to an end. It’s hard when you want honesty and you just kind of feel that there is passive aggressiveness in it, and they don’t want to be honest with you. Um, the situation is that my friend, he is getting married and I’m more than happy for him.
Uh, he was going have. Guest up until a week ago, he’s a location in Florida. He’s going to have about four people come down and I was one of the four. Um, then he tells me at the beginning of the day that no one’s coming. And I was like, okay, that’s fine. That’s great. You know, I, you know, I’m not entitled to go into a wedding.

I’m honored if you want me there in the first place. Uh, then later, uh, we share a bathroom and I hear him and his fiance talking about having her just two people coming up. And like, I just casually like brought it up later. He said, oh no, no, one’s coming. No one’s coming. And then I, like, I know he’s lying about it.

And I guess like in my head, like it’s just been looping in my head all week. And I don’t care that you have people coming to the wedding because it’s not about me. You know, I want to be there to support you. And obviously it’s your choice who you have there, you know? But, um, it really hurts me that you, you didn’t just say that to me and you’re continually lying to me about it. And I guess that really hurts me that you don’t respect me enough. Um, cause I would do the same for a person if I had to change their wedding. I mean, if I had to change my plans for wedding and originally you’re going to come, but, um, cause I, I would, I would tell you, but anyways, I just want your advice on that, how to get over that situation. Cause that’s just has been cycling in my head for the past few days and I’m just really I’m heartbroken.

Nicole: Oh, man, these friendship questions I tell you, you know, it’s so interesting because, uh, as we get older relationships become more fruitful, more meaningful and closer, but more complex. Right? So, um, releasing friendships are something that I think when we’re younger, we don’t realize we’re going to have to do, but you kind of get past your late twenties. And you start realizing that if you have a friend who’s in your life that really isn’t supportive or helpful, or, you know, providing value, you know, in a mutual way, they don’t have to be a perfect person, but that it actually can impact other things, you know, and as we start really valuing our time more because we’re pursuing other accomplishments, we start really being a little bit more particular about who we invite into our life. So, uh, this is a tough situation. The first thing I’m going to call out is what I think we all know. Weddings turn people into monsters. Holy cannoli. Like, it’s amazing because somebody that you think is perfectly sane and rational and has it all together. I mean, they get engaged and it’s like, who are you?

You know, like, it’s just, it’s amazing. One of the things that I think would take the edge off of that is if we all do celebrate more moments, right? Getting together with the people we love more often than at a wedding or a funeral, because then you’re less likely to get explosions and fireworks when those times happen.

But aside from that, all of that, uh, you know, when I heard what you were saying here, Mitch, all I could think was the foundation of any amazing long lasting and beneficial relationship is truth. It’s honesty, it’s transparency. And if at any point in time, you find yourself consistently questioning whether or not those things are legitimate, whether or not there’s a value behind it, whether or not you can rely on that person to show up and do what they say they will do, well that’s why it gets stuck in your head.

Because it’s natural for us as people to make backup plans, to make contingencies, to sit here and say to ourselves, well, if this person’s not reliable, what do I have to do to compensate for that? And that’s why it’s looping in your head. I mean, it’s hurtful yes. That they weren’t truthful about the situation, but the situation is not the part so much as the fact that they weren’t truthful. And so that’s the big question that I’m going to put back on your plate. Are you willing to accept someone in your life who may not be honest with you all the time? Who may not do what they say they will for whatever reason and how much space, heart space and energy are you willing to dedicate to knowing in advance that they’ve already shown themselves to be that person.

And, uh, frankly, if people show you who they are, you should believe them. And I say this as someone who’s had to release friendships, and I say this, you know, being fully transparent as someone who’s been released, I’ve had friendships where, um, I talk about this in episodes. I can’t remember which episode it was a season one and, um, of the Nicole Walters podcast.
And I was talking about, uh, how I learned in college. I think I was maybe 21 and, um, one of my Good friends at the time that I was very close with actually told me, sat me down, uh, very mature and said, look, you know, Nicole, I can’t be your friend anymore. You’re too extra. You know, and, um, that I was just a lot and that they had goals and they wanted to get into Yale law school.

And I was, you know, always trying to, you know, let’s go get lunch and let’s go have fun and, you know, sure. We can study, but let’s also hang out and get a pizza. And it just, they could not maintain the balance of a friendship with me in addition to these high aspirational goals that they’d set for themselves based on their skills.

And so it was difficult for me to hear. So I’m speaking as your friend on the other side, but I’m telling you even now many, many years later, I’m not going to do the exact number of years. The math does not matter, uh, between how old I was in college and how old I am now. However many, many years later, I still draw from that because the lesson I got out of that, you know, was one people can opt out of you if you display behaviors that don’t suit their life and two, how you show up in a relationship will help determine the benefit, the growth and the value of that relationship.

So I just want to let you know that I know it didn’t feel good to have to experience that. And I know that it is difficult as we get older and refine kind of what we’re seeking in our friendships. But I also want to let you know that you should never deny someone the opportunity to learn from loss. And this may be a valuable learning experience from your friend on how they may need to adapt, move and grow so they can maintain friendships with amazing people like you. So I wish you the best. I know it’ll all work out and if nothing else eat more cake.

Okay. So, yeah typically I would actually talk about, don’t make yourself content here, which is, you know, if you’re new to the podcast, essentially, where I just grab something and I say, look like you saw this thing happening, internet, what a hot mess.
Let’s not make ourselves content. And, uh, we’ve had a lot of award shows in the past couple months, you know, the Grammys, the Oscars, all that good stuff. But for this chat, what I actually want to do is just do a little bit of backstory because I know some of you guys are new as I introduce our next guest. So, uh, I’ve mentioned before, and, or you may have read that I am a adoptive mother to three incredible girls ages, 10, 20 now and 22. And I met my three girls in Baltimore, Maryland. Um, on the side of the road. Their mother was panhandling and going through a difficult time. And I stepped into their life as a mentor, at least that was my intention, you know, and a support system, helping them with school groceries, things of that sort. But after about a month’s time, their mother shared that she’d be incarcerated for about a year and the girls would either be split up, put into professional custody or, um, otherwise assigned into a situation where they wouldn’t necessarily receive the care and attention that they need.

And so I’m in lieu of that, I stepped in and said, well, they can stay with me. So, um, you know, once their mother was released, it became very clear that, uh, the ongoing support and care of the kids, you know, was best within my home and we all kind of collectively agreed. Um, and that was eight years ago. So eight years ago I took in a three-year-old and 11 year old and a 14 year old and over the past eight years, um, became full legal custody, full legal mother of three incredible girls. And they are my greatest blessing and I am so, so thankful to have them, but having had that, you know, lived so much life in just a span of eight years.

Uh, so much of which has been documented on my show on USA network, She’s the boss, but also through this podcast, if you want to hear the full story that’s episode, one of the Nicole Walters podcast episode one season. But it also, uh, has really forced me to become a mother a lot quicker than I guess I anticipated, um, I got three girls, you know, who were deficient in, in several societal marks, you know, but completely whole in everything God gave them in terms of purpose.

And we spend a lot of time, you know, checking a lot of boxes around education and health and, uh, value systems and, uh, teachings. But I also had to quickly adapt to what it meant to be a mother over a mentor. A mentor may stand there and provide support and guidance, but a mother is there unconditionally for the highs and the lows. And, um, I don’t know if you guys are hearing my voice quiver a little bit. It’s probably the most valuable role in the greatest privilege I’ve ever had. And if you’re a mom or even, you know, a sister or play any sort of role in, um, another person’s life in this way, I think you understand what I mean. It’s something that you cherish. Um, it’s something that terrifies you. Um, and it’s something that you take very seriously because you recognize how important it is, um, around shaping another human. So, all that being said, I’ve made mistakes. I am more than willing to say that I’m an imperfect mother, as I’m trying to figure it out day in and day out.

Uh, you know, sometimes I feel like I’m there all the time. Sometimes I feel like I’m there not enough. Sometimes I feel like I’m using a firm hand. Sometimes I feel like I’m not firm enough. I mean, it truly is a challenge. It’s the hardest job I’ve ever had. Give me a business spreadsheet, give me a boardroom and I can nail it. You know, give me a crying kid on a day after, you know, a stressful zoom call and I’ll fall apart and cry in the closet, you know, with a bucket of fudge.

So, um, I know my mama understand, I know you can relate. Um, and one of the greatest things I’ve had from this community, you know, not just you as the listener, but also on Instagram and Facebook, is that so many of you that are moms have affirmed me by saying. None of us know what we’re doing, girl, none of us, you know, and right down to when we first got my youngest Puffin, as you guys know her or Ally, you know, as we know her, um, when she was three and I needed to pick a car seat, I mean, you guys were there in the Target saying, Hey, you know, you try to get this one. And this is the difference between a harness style and make sure that, you know, the buckle is right over her sternum and it was just incredible to have the support of you guys here.

But with that support. There I’ve also had to make some changes recently. So I’ve shared so much of their journey out loud on social media, because frankly I enjoyed the help. You know, they say it takes a village and y’all have been my village. And, uh, there’s a reason we call you the internet Aunties. Not only have you, you know, piped in with, you know, valuable help, but you’ve also, uh, prayed for us and celebrated us and covered us and encouraged us. And it’s just been such a great blessing to not have to travel this adoption world alone. And I’m grateful for it, but of course, you know, we’ve always shared things again, like I always say when they are scars and not scabs. So, you know, when we were going through our mid tiny, um, Chrissy, you know, when she was diagnosed with stage four cancer at age 16, uh, we didn’t share that journey and she’s fine now, praise God, but we didn’t share that you know, publicly, we didn’t walk through that journey with y’all. We shared that after, you know, that journey was shared and that was actually at her request, um, because she wanted to have the space to go through it without necessarily having a facilitate questions or to, um, you know, worry about, uh, worrying you guys, you know, and to be able to make decisions without excess input and, um, you know, not only did we support her, but we threw that on the table.

We said, look, you know, how do you want to handle this? You know, because people will see you maybe walking by and things like that. And we just want to make sure that we answer in a way that makes you feel comfortable and supported. And, um, and that’s what this chat is about, that’s what I wanted to talk about in this episode, you know, babies and boundaries, uh, in an increasingly visible world where, uh, everything is lived out loud, what do you do when you find yourself, you know, building a social media world, but then also wanting to retract in some ways to create new boundaries, to protect you or your loved ones. And I found myself faced with that question over the past year and some. And that question came in because my littlest one is entering her young lady season.

You know, where she is not only more self-aware of how she is perceived, but she is developing her sense of self around how she wants to be perceived. And it became quickly evident to me that I needed to make shifts in, uh, the exposure of my children on social media, in order to make sure that they were protected in their various phases of life, um, and allowed to make their mistakes, allowed to experiment, allowed to grow where they are without the scrutiny and, um, feedback even love and support, you know, that, um, maybe coming from a place, uh, and love and support, meaning love and support and validation, uh, that may be coming from a world like social media.

And some of you may not know this, but you know, between the ages of 11 and 16, uh, most of my children weren’t on social media. So my middle one was virtually non-existent. People were like, where is she? And it was because during that season, she was like, I don’t want to be on camera. I don’t want photos. I don’t want video. You know, occasionally I’ll pop up here and there, but I don’t. And a lot of that had to do with that. You know, I think a lot of us women can relate that awkward season where you’re kind of figuring out your body and you don’t like any photos and you’re like, mom, leave me alone. You know? And I honored it and.

The same, thing’s kind of happening with my little one. She’s not awkward at all. She’s actually very extroverted and loves the camera, but I’ve already decided to kind of pump the brakes on that to give her time to kind of figure out how she feels about herself before she has to figure that out through the lens of someone else and the feedback I’ve received on social media, from the internet aunties and from people like you has been overwhelmingly generous, grace-filled and very much like an auntie.

You guys are thrilled to see our babies being covered, you know, and protected, even though we all miss, you know, I miss sharing the day-by-day wins with you guys and you guys miss seeing their smiles in their faces. But I think we all agree that nothing matters more than their mental, well-being, their sense of self in their future. And, um, you know, at 22 Lord knows when, um, my eldest is 22 and my middle one’s 20, Lord knows that we would not. I, all of us, I think collectively can agree, we do not want a camera following us in our twenties. Am I right? Am I preaching on that one? Thank God that we did not have social media for my twenties, because people would be asking me to get baptized every six months. If you saw some of the stuff I was doing, I was not always saved. Okay. So I think that you guys can all understand how, you know, my girls twenties definitely don’t need to be filmed.

And of course the preteen teen, early teenage adolescence is naturally awkward and you better believe that I’m not sharing it, but today, I have a treat for y’all. So, um, in talking about babies and boundaries and sharing with you guys now, why I’ve made some of these shifts. I also talked about it with Ally, my littlest one she’s 10 now. And I asked her, I said, Hey, you know, we’ve had lots of conversations around boundaries. We’ve had lots of conversation around responsibilities. We’ve had lots of conversation around mommy, daughter relationships to kind of figure out what makes you comfortable. And if you like the way that I’m showing up for you and

if you’re okay with it, I’d love to have some of these conversations out loud, where they may be helpful to, you know, some of the internet aunties and our internet nieces and nephews and her internet cousins, you know, so that maybe they can have some of those conversations too.

So I don’t do interviews often, but on today’s episode, I’m here with Ally. Ally is going and chatting with us about everything, about how she’s grown up about her thoughts around boundaries, she’s explaining what they are and, and some ideas around how to respect them. She’s talking about it from a kid perspective and what I hope you hear, you know, as we talk through this conversation is how grown up she is.

She’s such a mature girl and I’m floored. You know what I mean? Like this is my first baby. I’ve like raised through this age range and it’s just amazing to see how she’s really developing into a young woman, but I’m also really proud because when she talks about these things, it makes me feel good because my one job as a parent, or, you know, one of the many, but one of the most important is to make sure that she’s safe in this world. And there’s nothing safer than empower your children to know that their voice matters, that they can create boundaries that make them feel safe wherever they are, and that they are also entitled to remove or to affirm those boundaries whenever they’re crossed or disrespected. So, um, it’s my hope that in our chat today, that you’re able to get some lessons and kind of hear the dynamic and maybe have some conversations of your own, uh, with your children or with your friends, even around boundaries and recognize that, you know, I know that for me, I understood that if a 10 year old can get it, you better believe that I can do it.

So, um, I’m excited to bring Ally on so we can chat. And of course, um, internet aunties, this is a real treat. So Ally let’s chat.

Nicole: Hey, cutie pie. How are you doing?
Ally: I’m doing good.
Nicole: Awesome. So you know that I’ve had this podcast for a while now, right?
Ally: Yep.
Nicole: Yep. And also, I don’t know if you know this, but I typically don’t do interviews.
Like I don’t bring anyone fancy pants on. I don’t do any interviews because basically how could I do an interview with anyone when you are the coolest person I know.
Ally: Good point.
Nicole: boy. Right. I don’t want to put that pressure on other people to try to be as cool as you when you’re the coolest of the cool right. That’s right. I am excited because I couldn’t think of a better opportunity for us to chat. Then this episode, now you didn’t get to hear the beginning part QT, but this episode is actually all about boundaries, personal respect, and doing our best, being a mom and trying to make sure that we are doing our very, very best every single day. And I was like, oh my gosh, I can tell all these stories or I could bring on someone who could help me. And that’s why you’re here.
Ally: Yep.
Nicole: Yeah, So thank you for being here. I appreciate it.
Ally: you’re welcome.
Nicole: Perfect. I know you have a busy schedule, so,
Ally: I don’t have that busy of a schedule. I just have homework.
Nicole: That’s true. But you made room for me, so thank you so much. And I will make sure to talk to your assistants and let them know how much I appreciated this space. Perfect. So, uh, I was talking earlier about how, uh, one thing that people may have noticed on social media, you know, my Instagram and my Facebook pages and all that is that I don’t really post a ton of you and your sisters anymore. That I’m not really posting a lot of pictures and videos and things like that because you guys are growing up, you’re growing up and you’re getting out there. And, uh, every time I do post something, people write. Puffin is tall. What is going on? So I wanted to know how do you feel about that? Does it feel good to know that you have that privacy or does it feel weird? What are your thoughts?

Ally: Um, I feel kind of normal, cause I’m usually just in the house or at school.
Nicole: Either way. Sure. So a lot of the internet aunties and some of my internet friends that are listening, they’re always wondering, you know, what should I share about my kids and what shouldn’t I share about my kids, because I want to make sure that my kids feel good about themselves, but I also want to make sure that I don’t embarrass them and you know, the word embarrassed right. Where you feel kind of awkward and stuff. So what advice do you have for moms that are trying to figure out, like what’s a good thing to share that makes their kid feel good and what maybe shouldn’t be shared.

Ally: Um, you should probably ask your kid first before you post anything.
Nicole: really good. That’s
Ally: Yeah. So like, whenever you, like, some adults are saying, um, ask before you post
Nicole: That’s good. That’s really good. And then, um, why do you think that matters? Like, do you think? Cause I mean, a lot of people say, well, I’m the adult and I can do what I want, but is that how we do things in our family?
Ally: No.
Nicole: If you’re an adult, do you still need to respect the kids?
Ally: Yeah, because kids have the same rights as
Nicole: That’s right. In terms of like their feelings and their body and all that stuff.
Right.
Ally: Yeah. Cause we’re basically all the same person, except one’s way older than the other. Nicole: What do you mean way older? Hold on a second.
Ally: Okay. Not a little bit, probably 20 years older
Nicole: Okay. That sounds about right. Your math is mathing. I received that. I received that cutie pie. How old is, how old is mom again?
Ally: Um, what was the second digit again?
Nicole: just had a birthday.
Ally: Yeah, I know. I can’t tell between 26 and 27.
Nicole: Oh, I know. It’s just, it’s just so we’re able to stick within that range. Okay. In that range. Okay. Perfect. Your, you know, your’re my favorite. Okay.
Perfect. So that said, uh, what you’re talking about then is you’re talking about this thing called boundaries, and we’ve talked about that, right? Where you’re, you know, no matter who you are, you’re allowed to say, this is what makes me comfortable, and this is what doesn’t make me comfortable.
Right. So, um, tell me a little bit about what boundaries mean to you when I explained it to you and also what you understand it to be
Ally: um, I think boundaries are like, kind of like whenever you’re in a room and they’re like wall. So like, I think usually it’s like a wall that like two separate walls, like how you have a wall on each side, there’s like a good wall and you can share about it wall. And then there’s like, uh, please don’t share this, this it’s going to embarrass me wall.
Nicole: Oh, I couldn’t have explained it. Honestly, this is a better explanation of boundaries. And I think I gave, and this is why you’re the expert. This is why you’re here. So, uh, yes, it’s that we can make our own walls that say, this makes us comfortable and this doesn’t make us comfortable. And so for any of the kids that are listening right now and are hearing about boundaries and you just explained it so well, what are some examples of like good, healthy boundaries? That, you know, even if you’re a kid you’re able to say to your friends or even to your mom and dad, if it’s something that you think makes you uncomfortable.
Ally: Um, you could probably make a list on like specific things that make you uncomfortable. Like if your worst fear is, um, small spaces like mine, then you can just say, please don’t share that I have the fear of small spaces because my other friends don’t think it’s really cool to have that fear.
Nicole: That’s so good. Oh my gosh. That’s so, so, so good. Um, and then, um, what about boundaries around your body? You know, we talk about that all the time, like your body is a private thing. Um, is it, is it a good idea you think for, if any kids are listening, write down to share with either their moms or, um, you know, their friends, certain things about their body, like how they want to be touched or not touched.

Ally: Uh, no, I don’t think it’s like a good thing to share things about your body because your body is your own wall.

Nicole: Right. That’s right. It’s a private boundary. Right. So if you’re somebody who doesn’t like hugs, would it be safe to make that boundary and say, I don’t like hugs.
Ally: Uh, yeah, you should probably say, um, either please don’t hug me politely or, um, Well, that’s pretty much it because you don’t want to be hugged.

Nicole: That’s right. That’s right. And then what do you think the job is of the adult whenever there is a tough time with understanding the boundary, because sometimes people don’t like your boundaries. They’re like, what do you mean? I can’t give you hugs? Word is that Ally gives the best hugs on the planet. So what do you mean?

I can’t give you hugs. So what happens then? If somebody doesn’t want to listen to one of your boundaries?
Ally: Well, you should probably send back about what one of their own words was like, um, how, cause Chrissy says like stranger danger

Nicole: Stranger danger. Right?
Ally: Yeah. Then you might not want to like hug random stranger that you don’t know
Nicole: That’s true. And you can always get help with your boundaries. Right?
Ally: Yeah.
Nicole: So if you’re having a hard time, making sure someone understands and respects them, who do you think you can ask? Maybe every kid could make a list of people that could help them.
Ally: Um, you could probably ask an adult or a kid or teenager that your parents trust.
Nicole: perfect. I’m telling you. Y’all if you are listening right now, I want you to understand that Puffin here is 10 years old and she has a firm understanding of boundaries, how they affect your life, how they help you grow and develop into an amazing person. And you can also understand that this is, um, super impactful stuff that helps shape who you are and how you show up.
And I mean, if she can do it, we can do it too. I know I’m feeling inspired. So let’s shift the conversation a little bit.
Now, cutie pie, by, I want to say I’m calling you Ally, my official interview guests. So Ally, um, or I dunno if it would feel like Ms. Walters, you know, I should be very fancy about it, but, um, I do want to know, let’s talk a little bit about responsibilities. So, you know, you have been a very responsible kid for a long time. I mean, you’ve always kind of done a good job taking care of things and taking care of your responsibility. What are some responsibilities that you.
Ally: Um, I have to do my own laundry, which makes sense because it’s not anyone else’s clothes,

Nicole: Okay.
Ally: but you could do someone else’s clothes if you wanted to.
Nicole: I guess yeah to be helpful. I mean, sometimes you help your sister by like switching overloads and things like that for her, right?
Ally: Yeah. Like if she’s not here and if she has an, if she’s at school and I have like spring break or something,
Nicole: No, totally. And so how long have you been doing your laundry for everyone who.
Ally: I think since I was four, I don’t really remember.
Nicole: It was really, since you were about to six, when you were four, you couldn’t reach the buttons kiddo, but yeah, since you were about six, even taking care of your laundry and you do all the steps right by yourself.
Ally: Yeah.
Nicole: So you fold and wash and put away and all that stuff and you do an excellent job. Can I just say your clothing is looking very tidy today and you look sharp.
Ally: Thank you.
Nicole: You’re a lovely, beautiful girl. So what other responsibilities do you.
have to like help out the household and to grow yourself as a person?
Ally: Um, I feed the dogs. I wash the dishes and I sometimes wipe down the counters if they’re super duper dirty.
Nicole: right. And you take care of your room.
Ally: Yep.
Nicole: and your homework?
Ally: Yes.
Nicole: absolutely. And then you help in pitch out wherever you can, because I think you’re just a helpful girl in general. Yeah. I love that. So sometimes you not want to do your responsibilities, like do you, because I know as an adult, I have my days. I don’t want to get out of bed. I just want to eat candy. I want eat fudge. I wouldn’t eat popcorn. I don’t want to move. I’m going to watch shows about seeing eye guide dogs get being fuzzy. Like that’s all I want to do. Right. So do you ever have days where you do not want to do your responsibilities?
Ally: Uh, yeah, but I, then I think like forward that, like I might have like a day off of doing responsibilities.
Nicole: So you started thinking ahead saying if I take care of it today, that’s fine because I might have a day later where and not have to worry about it.
Ally: Yeah.
Nicole: Oh, so responsible. My goodness. You are such a motivation. I w we just, we all need to work hard to be just like you. You’re absolutely amazing. So one more thing I wanted to talk about before I let you go back to your razzle-dazzle fancy pants life, um, is I wanted to talk about mommy daughter time, you know, and, uh one-to-ones. So everyone always asks me about these because they’re always like, how did, when, when Ally’s having a tough day or when any of your girls are having a tough day, you know, how do you guys handle it? And I explained that we do one to ones. So do you want to explain kind of what one-to-one.

Ally: Uh, yeah, so I think one to ones or like, whenever, two people talk to each other about like their bad days. Yeah. So like, if one person is having a bad day, then they can like tell about their day and how they moved on.
Nicole: Yep. That’s so good. That’s so good. And whenever you’re having a tough day, you know that you can grab any adult for one to one.

Ally: Yep.
Nicole: And so, uh, it’s something that I always try to tell anyone who’s listening that we’ve done those for my gosh. How long have we had one-on-ones I feel like.
Ally: Forever.
Nicole: Yeah, I know. I’m like, since you were probably like two or three, um, I remember one time you had a friend over to the house and she got upset, you know, and you ran down the stairs. You were probably only like four or five and you were like, mom, mom, she needs a one to one. She doesn’t know what that is, but she needs one and we went upstairs and we did a one-to-one to, um, help her calm down and figure out her feelings and stuff. So do you think one-to-one are helpful in creating spaces where you know, little kids can feel good talking to their adults?
Ally: Uh, yes.
Nicole: They’re good. And then, um, let’s talk a little about mommy daughter days. Now. Oh, yay. Yeah. So let’s describe what a mommy daughter day is so that, you know, people don’t have them and this is the kids are gonna love this.
So kids, if you’re listening, now’s the time to look at your mom and be like, yeah, we need those. So, uh, let’s talk about mommy daughter days. What, what are they?
Ally: So when you go on a trip to somewhere that is not home, or you could stay home and just watch a movie or something.
Nicole: Probably could.
Ally: Yeah. But you could also just go somewhere else and chill
Nicole: And chill out.
and do like an activity or something like that, but it may not even be an activity sometimes it’s just really spending time together. Right. And so do you like mommy daughter days? I love them. They’re my favorite. So what are some of your favorite mommy daughter day things like, I know sometimes you do big activities, but we also do little stuff. So what’s an example of a big activity, mommy daughter day that you loved.
Ally: Um, I can’t think of like super duper big things.
Nicole: Yeah. They’re usually not. They’re like days, they’re not like big, big, big things.
But what I think that one of my favorites was when we went to Nickelodeon slime,
Ally: Oh yeah. I still have my, I got slimed shirt.
Nicole: You did, you got slimed really good. So that was fine. But sometimes we do tiny stuff too. Like, um, just go to the market or do activities, you know, like, um, things like that. Yeah. Or I’ll get our nails done or just get ice cream or sometimes you just spend the day with me, like going to do errands or to the mall. Oh, my gosh. Our mall trips are always, you can’t see her face right now. Y’all but she’s making the face of someone who enjoys our mall trips very much.
And why just go ahead and share with everyone. Ally, why our mall trips, some of your favorite mommy daughter days, young lady.

Ally: Well, they were my favorite because whenever we go to the mall, mom says, okay, so we’re going to get this and this and this for me. And then we end up walking out and I’m holding most of the bags because they’re all for me. And then mom holds some of the bags because some of those are also for me.
Nicole: Yes, that’s right. We walk in with a plan to get me things and we walk out with you with a whole bunch of stuff and I get nothing. So, Yeah.
So it sounds like mommy daughter days work out pretty well. That’s awesome. Awesome. So I got to say, it’s been such a treat having you here to chat with me and all of the internet Aunties and everyone’s so excited to hear your voice. And for those who are watching, um, you know, the video are able to see you as well, because they don’t get to see as much of you as on social media anymore, because you’re just growing and maturing and becoming such a big girl. And I’m trying to give you your privacy while you do that. But, um, it’s such a treat cause they get to see you and everyone cares about you so much cause you’re such a super kid. They’ve seen you since you were. We, we, a little, little baby with no teeth, right. To this big tall girl with this huge smile, you know? And, and they’re just so excited to see you grow up so thank you so much for sharing everything. You are absolutely my favorite guests to have here.
Ally: I also got my Christmas wish
Nicole: Well, what was your Christmas?
Ally: For my two front teeth. Yeah.
Nicole: Delivered right on time. Right. Perfect. Kiddo, I’m so glad you’re here. I love you so much. And you were just absolutely amazing. Thank you for sharing your wisdom because you are one smart cookie and thank you so much for being here. And, uh, we’ll have you back probably in a couple years, right? When you’re even taller and I can’t stand it.
Ally: Yeah,
Nicole: Alright say bye to your Internet Aunties.
Ally: bye.

In this episode, I share:

• How to re-think “balance” when it comes to the responsibilities we have as moms, partners, entrepreneurs, employees, sisters, etc.
• What to do if an adult relationship goes sour and trust is gone
• A special interview with the Puffin, aka Ally, on babies & boundaries!

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Connect with me on Facebook and Instagram!
• To send me a voice message that could be used on the show, click here!
• Don’t miss Episode 1 of Season 3, HERE!
• For more on healthy relationships, go follow Dr. Nedra Tawwab on Instagram
• If you love our chats like I do, I’d so appreciate a review for the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Your Friend Isn’t Your Therapist

by Nicole Walters | May 3, 2022

Your Friend Isn’t Your Therapist

We’re diving into your voice messages, DMs, and my own story on mental health in this second episode of season 3 of the Nicole Walters Podcast!

Welcome back friend! It’s been so fun getting your voice messages and DMs on social. You can record me something HERE by the way.

You’ll here my own mental health story at the end of this episode but first I answer a voice message about how to smoothly leave your 9-5 job! Then we talk through a DM I received about a relationship and what to do if divorce is being considered.

If there is one thing I want you to take away from this episode, it’s that your friend ISN’T your therapist.

Thank you so much for being here and being vulnerable with me! Let me know if you’re going to act on what I shared in this episode – just send me a DM on Instagram or Facebook! I can’t wait to hear from you friend.

Hey friends. I am so excited about the chats that we’ve been having. We have had a couple of really great episodes kicking off this season, and I am so excited about the feedback that I’ve been seeing on social. And it’s just been so fun for us to come back here week after week and connect and have friend time and all that good stuff. So thank you for being part of this conversational process, because I think that we’re both growing together and we’re learning together and we’re doing life together. So I’m really glad to have you back again this week. Now this week, uh, we are gonna be hitting on some tough topics, and I know that we do that week after week, but we try to keep a little light.

And this week’s a big one because this is something that I think has become pretty popularized in social media. Everyone is talking about mental health, and I wanna talk about my journey with mental health and how therapy has changed and saved my life. But I also wanna talk to you in a very, very real way about some misconceptions that a lot of us have around how therapy shows up, what matters about therapy, how to pick a good therapist, how to trust your therapist and above all else who is not your therapist. So today we’re gonna have some pretty good talk about that. And of course, I want to hear back from you, obviously, you know, we like to keep the conversation grace-filled and very respectful on social media, but I do love hearing from you.

So obviously you can always come back to Instagram @NicoleWalters and then we can chat more about it there. But before we do that, let’s kick off, like we always do with “Slide into my DMs.” So we had some great questions come in week after week and everywhere from business to life, to family, to self care, you name it. I love being able to help you out with what I know and point you to the right places when I don’t <laugh>. So we are going to be answering more questions. If you have a question that you want to submit head over to my Instagram at Nicole Walters or to my Facebook page, if you head over to either one of those places, look for the blue verified checks. So you don’t get someone funky and, uh, make sure that you click on the link and you can actually leave me a voicemail. And then, uh, I will answer your question here on the podcast. We get a ton of ’em. So I just try to pull ones that, um, I think will really be beneficial to everyone. So definitely, uh, chat with me there, but this week’s question, the first one that we have comes in from Rebecca. So Rebecca, what do you got?

Hi, Nicole. Okay. So my question has to do with balancing personal and professional goals. I have always had this dream of getting a remote job and traveling with this program that I have connections with, um, for a year. And that’s been a goal of mine, but I just quit my startup job that I’ve been with for the last year and a half to pursue freelance video marketing work. And obviously it is tough to launch something like that and start with a new client base as I just moved recently. Um, so finding clients to make videos for is obviously really difficult. And so I’m just kind of having second thoughts on if I should start to look for a typical 9-5, so I can have consistent income so I could do the travel program.

Oh my gosh, Rebecca. Great question. And I think that this question is something a lot of us can relate to if we’ve ever been a freelancer or we’re considering entrepreneurship, or we’re just trying to sort of balance out the idea of when is the time that income matters more than pursuing our dreams. So there’s a couple of pieces to that, you know, as someone who, uh, has been able to build a multimillion dollar business, through Inherit Learning Company, my e-commerce company, as well as, uh, also having worked for fortune 500 corporations for years. I gotta tell you that rule number one, for anyone listening, not just you, Rebecca, is that if you’re gonna take the big leap, make sure that you have a plan to catch yourself.

You wanna make sure that you’re not just quitting your job randomly, right? But you wanna make sure that you’re gonna be hired by the best boss you’ve ever had, you. So that means starting to get those clients on board, starting to save. There’s a structure that’s used in corporate America. That involves the concept of having keystone clients and keystone clients look like this. You wanna have one or two clients that, you know, are fairly large, fairly stable and fairly consistent. Maybe these clients will provide a monthly retainer or a regular business or provide enough income that you know, that will take care of, you know, all of your virtual employees or all of your supplies, something to that effect. And then you wanna start going for any lower to your clients. Meaning these clients are the ones that basically keep the lights on.

They’re the ones that may come and go or be more project-basis. But you know, they may be a little bit more work to keep on the books, but you can get a regular flow of them in. Now, a lot of companies make the mistake, this is very, very common in the startup era, thinking I just need a couple of Keystone clients and we’re gonna be good. We just need to land one big deal and we’re gonna be good. And theoretically, that’s not the case. What a lot of people don’t know is that in corporate America, uh, oftentimes when they are running their numbers, they pull Keystone clients off of the books. And the reason why they pull the Keystone clients is if you only have one big client like a Microsoft or a Coca-Cola, you don’t wanna leave ’em on the books because if they decide to switch or change their minds or something goes wrong with the business, you better believe that you wanna make sure you’ve got enough tiny clients on the books to keep the lights on.

So that’s a structure of what you wanna start to build. If you’re getting ready to make the big leap, quit your job and hire yourself. So that’s the place to start. And Rebecca, it’s not too late. Understand that. That’s where you’re gonna wanna go. Now, in terms of, is it time to get a nine to five to make sure you’re paying the bills? I always like to tell everyone there is no shame in working a nine to five job. I can’t emphasize enough this glorification of entrepreneurship as being this thing where you have to go all in and hustle and grind and, and sweat and believe and suffer until your dream comes to fruition. No, no, no, no, no. Listen, some of us need healthcare. <laugh> some of us need benefits. Some of us need to know that we’re gonna get that check every Friday.

Or if you got direct deposit, Thursday at seven <laugh> reliably, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Honestly, if you have to work hard to be the primary investor and fund your own future, there is pride in that. So yeah. Get the job, wait some tables, take a couple hours at target, be a seasonal worker. There’s nothing wrong with doing that type of work until you’re able to see your dream and your purpose come to light. There’s pride in that purpose. So I wanna let you know Rebecca that while you may be saying to yourself, do I go here? Do I go there? What is the right call? It’s sounds like you’ve already got it figured out. And I just wanna encourage you and maybe give you a little bit of permission to see it through. Thanks for reaching out.

And our next question that comes in is a good one. And this comes in from Susan. Susan slid into my DMs and she asked me, Nicole, I’ve been in a relationship now for three years, things have been up and down. We’ve had our highs and our lows. And right now we’re both considering divorce. I wanna know, if divorce is already on my mind does it make sense for me to consider couples therapy or do I just move forward and get it done? First and foremost I just wanna say Susan, not easy. I recognize that this is a tough place to be in, and I’m not happy about the transitions that you’re going through. It’s always difficult because marriage is one of the most amazing and incredible things to grow you. But it also is really important that as we grow and change in our lives, and as we learn more about who we are and point ourselves more towards who we want to be, that we have the right partner next to us to support those goals or that we take a season of stillness and a season of, you know, singleness to help us develop, to reach those goals ourselves.

So either way, I just want to applaud you for asking the right questions for recognizing that, you know, changes may need to be made, whether it’s in the marriage or without it. And just let you know that no matter what, whether you decide to get divorced or remain in your marriage, you made a brave and bold decision and you are still worthy and deserving. Now, all that being said, when it comes to couple therapy, I’ll speak for my own experience. You know, couples therapy is something that I think is very valuable. Um, our family, we spend a mortgage a month on therapy and it’s something that matters a lot to us. And it’s because it’s one, not just a situation where you are trying to fix problems, it’s a place where you’re going in order to make sure you can prevent problems.

You wanna work on skills to make sure that within your marriage, you’re treating each other the best and that you’re not bringing in traumas and letting those decide how you’re treating each other. And that should be the goal of couple’s therapy, to improve and tighten the relationship and learn how to communicate and relate to each other better and also gain more understanding around what your partner may need and how you can show up. Or if those needs are not something that you are already willing or prepared to offer.

And, um, I hear that you’re saying that, you know, divorce is already on the table. Personally, I will let you know that for me before I walk away from anything, whether it’s a marriage or a business or anything at all a career, I really like to know for my own integrity that I gave it my all. I wanna know that I did everything I could to use every resource, make sure that I can say, yeah, this is it because I am at loss of anything else to do. Um, and it also helps to have a professional, be able to co-sign that, to be able to say, look, there’s an impasse here. We cannot go forward. There is an incompatibility of goals or desires or existence, you know?

So I, I got married really young. I got married at 23 and, um, you know, now I am a little bit older than that. And <laugh> so, you know, after being married, uh, being with my partner for 14 years and being married for 12 years, um, I’m absolutely not the same person, you know? And the question always becomes, especially when you go into couple therapy, are you guys growing together?

Are you developing together? And can that partner support you in the next chapter of your life? And so I encourage you, you know, if you are even considering therapy as a couple, or even as an individual, while you’re trying to navigate this time, go for it, go for it because it won’t hurt you to learn more about either decision that you make to continue your marriage or to end it either way. Again, like I said earlier, I’m proud of you. I’m proud of you for stepping up and saying that you need change and I’m proud of you for seeking out solutions to get it. Your doing the right thing, Susan, keep it up.

You guys always ask the best questions, but now we’re going to talk about something I have seen on social media. And I gotta tell you in “Don’t make yourself content.” The reason why I call it that is because people are out there making themselves something they can be talked about. And it’s like, gosh, I just, I want us to be able to use content to grow. I want us to be able to use content, to be able to have a learning opportunity. So this week’s don’t make yourself content has to do with influencers as a whole. Now, I am not saying this, like, I’m not an influencer. I’ll be the first one to say, I fall under this category as well. I have been blessed by God to have a platform that people tune in to. And I know that when I say buy this popcorn, y’all gonna buy this popcorn.

But you also know that I am coming correct with the right info. Because one thing I don’t do is I don’t take a lot of deals and I don’t push a lot of ads. And I, I don’t promote a ton of stuff if I get behind it, it’s because I really genuinely love it. And, um, and that’s something I’ve taken a lot of pride in, you know, and honestly, I usually take you guys on the journey <laugh> or you guys will slide into my DMS and be like, Nicole, where’s the link. Why won’t you tell us where this thing is? So our relationship, maybe a little bit different than a traditional influencer relat cuz we’re kind of friends and I’m just like, girl, try this. But I wanna talk a little bit in keeping with today’s episode about influencers, treading the line, the ever so dangerous line between being a professional.

Let me start over with that part. I wanna talk a little bit more about influencers. Try a line, a very dangerous line between giving professional advice. Sometimes even a little bit medical and legal and recognizing their place is just sort of an influencer, which really lies in the space of inspiration or motivation. Now I don’t wanna get a bunch of icky messages. I wanna let you know, but at these are my opinions and these are my takes, but they’re based and rooted in a lot of what I see. And what I see is not just online, but it’s also behind the scenes. A lot of your favorite influencers are my top clients. They are out there telling you to sign up for their business programs and pay for their courses. And they’re knocking down my door because they don’t have the penny in the bank.

I gotta let you know that everything you see does that gliters is not gold. And I always want you to use what I call your executive discernment, which is the ability to see something and say, Hey, where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And maybe this isn’t something I need to buy into. Always research. Even when I tell you something, look into it for yourself and make a call. Do not believe blindly. You deserve better than that. Now, when I talk about influencers treading this line, you know what I’m talking about? It’s the influencer who’s saying, Hey, don’t listen to doctors at all. Instead treat yourself with a puls of mayonnaise and herbs, you know, in order to fix your cancer, you know, or don’t listen to your doctor about, um, you know, your weight loss plan instead, uh, forget that. Just see how you feel every single day and then drink two glasses, us of water and do 11 jumping jacks.

Now I gotta let you know. I think there is so much value. Hear me clearly when I say this, there is so much value in each of us sharing our experiences. What has worked for us and giving steps and details to help make the path easier for the person next to us. I am not, I am not negating the value of our experiences. I am a believer in experiences. As a matter of fact, you’ll always hear me say, you know, doctors get training in medical school from books, but they are not doctors until they have gone hands on and gotten years of experience through residency. And the reason why you don’t want a doctor, that’s just gone through books. You want a doctor, that’s cut. Some people open a couple times, right? So I don’t negate experience as being valuable, necessary and required to give great advice.

However, there are a couple categories where we probably shouldn’t be absorbing content from just anyone. And those categories are, you can write these down by financial legal, medical and mental health, financial, legal, medical, and mental health. Now it doesn’t mean that influencers aren’t able to contribute their personal stories to these areas, but make no mistake. Your favorite in influencer with a million followers, who’s telling you how you need to lose weight and workout. Every day is not the same level of qualification and credibility as someone who has dedicated their life, their money, their time and has the legal licensure and the ability to be sued, which absolutely affects what they say <laugh> and how they do it as a professional. And so I say this to you and don’t make yourself content to just encourage you as my friends, as people that I care about, the same thing I would say to my kids, the same thing I would say to my sister and the same thing I say to you guys as my internet besties, I want to know as you’re following your favorites out here, and they’re telling you things that sometimes feel a little off when they are in the same breath telling you that they want you to do this holistic thing or this alternative thing or this natural thing.

And they’re also trying to sell you an ebook or, um, a, uh, shampoo or a, uh, shake or a tea or a waste trainer that you’re just kind of understanding the context within which you’re receiving that information and understand that great marketing does not mastery make. And so whenever you’re out there, I just want you to use that discernment. Now, speaking to my friends who are influencers, cuz I know you guys listen as well. I don’t want you to feel icky about the fact that your business is the business of influence. I don’t want you to feel icky about the fact that you want to share your stories, share your lessons and help deliver others from this suffering that you yourself has been, have been delivered from. I think that’s incredible. I think it’s wonderful. I think it’s admirable and I think it’s worthy work.

All that I implore of you is that you do it with healthy disclaimers, do it with integrity, do it with honesty, make sure that you are in a position where you are comfortable saying no frequently so that you aren’t driven by the dollar to compromise yourself and your listener’s heart and health.

You wanna make sure that you’re able to say, look, this is something that worked for me, but I also advise that you seek out a professional and recognize that that does not make you look any less of an X. If anything, the words I don’t know makes me trust you more because there’s something to be able to let me start over, cuz there’s something to be said for the person who says, I don’t know, but I’ll help you find out or I don’t know, but I’ll point you in the right direction and knowing that you do that makes me trust you more.

And it makes me come back you more often because I know that you know that balance. So you guys have seen me talk about my health journey, uh, on Instagram and I shared some of the details of it, but I definitely haven’t dove into every single nuance of every single thing I’ve tried and every single thing I’ve done and every single step by step in play by play of how I’ve lost over a hundred pounds over the past six years. But the reason why I haven’t done that is one boundaries in privacy. My body is my business, but two, because it’s not safe for me to give you a play by play. Knowing that I have influence God has given me a platform and it is my job to be a good steward of that platform so that he’s able to continue to grow it and make sure that I handle it well.

And uh, especially having a podcast, I think a lot of us, uh, are recognizing what’s possible in the world of platforms, podcasting and uh, live streaming and Instagram and social media and TikTok and all these different platforms. If you’re blessed to have a microphone, you better recognize that blessing and be careful how you use said. And for me, you know, part of that means sharing stories with you and pointing out things and walking you through things and giving you business info and talking about family. But a large part of it is knowing when to keep my mouth shut. Knowing when that, even if I’m asked to give more to say, no, this isn’t appropriate and I need you to go see your doctor for data. See your doctor for data around your health first because the data and the numbers should drive your decisions and then build out a team of medical professionals to help you get to your goals.

So I recognize entirely that maybe that’s a little different for some of you guys. Maybe it feels like why isn’t Nicole sharing all her secrets or why isn’t she diving into all these about, you know, things, um, let me say, start over. I know sometimes that can be weird, like why isn’t Nicole sharing all her details because we’re so used to this culture where influencers seem to have answers and they’re, they’re in the business of spilling time and time again. And I just wanna let you know that if you ever catch me saying, Hey, I think you should go see a doctor for that. Or Hey, you know, this is what I did. And these are kind of the steps that I followed. But honestly, in your state, you need to talk to a lawyer because the laws could vary. Or honestly, I’m not gonna speak to that because that really is an accountant or a bookkeeper specialty.

And I think you should go there. That’s the reason why it’s because I love of you more than to let you trust your life to the internet you deserve. And you are worthy of strong, solid answers that will actually create real change in your life. And you’ll find those from professionals around you, not from influencers around you. So for the influencer out there, blah, for my influencer friends out there, don’t make yourself content. Don’t get yourself caught up in tiptoeing into waters that you shouldn’t tiptoe into. Just make sure that while you’re sharing your story, you’re also sharing the fact that it’s your story. Not necessarily everyone else’s plan and for my friends and my internet besties that are listening in use your God given tool of discernment. If it sounds a little funny, just do a of research or ask the right questions or, you know what come up with your own plan either way. That’s probably a lot better than choosing what someone else did for them. All right. Awesome.

Now this all rolls in perfectly into what we’ve been talking about really since the beginning of this season. And I really dove into it in episode one, when I was talking about, uh, some of the recent health challenges that I’ve had, uh, where, you know, I suffered from a case of Bell’s palsy, um, with stroke-like symptoms, high blood pressure and uh, how I dealt with facial paralysis. And I’ve been in physical therapy for months and months, you know, to get my smile back in so many words because, um, I was just really struggling with that in addition to, you know, stress and all those jazz, just really spending the past year and a half recalibrating my life and, and making adjustments and really trying to sort of build out my next 10 years to look the way that I think is going to best support first and foremost, my health and my life, but also how I show up for my daughters and show up for my business and show up for my family and honestly, more than anything show up for myself.

So we’ve been talking about that. And I mentioned before that, you know, in episode one, I talked about how I had to get doctors and physical therapists and just really a great health team around me to support me as I was recovering and I’m still in recovery, but I wanted to talk today about one of the members of my team that has been honestly the most consistent, most stable and most necessary member of my team. And I wanted to talk about this honestly, and, um, openly and maybe with a little bit of vulnerability, I don’t know if you can tell, uh, if you’re watching the video of this, you’re, you know, you can see my face. I’m like I’m nervous pants, but if you’re listening to this, uh, it’s not easy to talk about, um, the challenges that you may face with mental health. Oh, this is harder than I thought it would be guys.

Um, but I’m, I’m, I’m excited to have this conversation with you cuz it’s important. It’s scary because when you talk about these things, there’s the fear that our relationship will change that when I show you my humanness that maybe it’ll be off putting and I’ve always tried to be fairly candid and transparent on social media and through emails or honestly, if someone meets me in person just kind of saying, Hey, this is what it is, but when I’m going through some of the harder stuff, whether it’s in my marriage or with my kids or with my, um, with myself, just sort of figuring out who I am and in my business, I do have an inclination to, um, go inward, you know, to kind of power through externally, but kind of keep some of the harder points to myself internally. And I think some of that has to do with the fear that if I were to let those emotions out, that they would take over and I wouldn’t be able to show up and I’m hoping I’m doing a great job explaining this because I feel like some of you may understand what I’m talking about, where, um, you know, the phrasing is often used this called com compartmentalizing, where you basically take your different feelings and you put them into different boxes and you label them and you put them on the shelf and you say, Hey, I’ve got things to do today.

And I will pick up that feeling when that time’s comes. But the truth is we don’t actually end up picking up that feeling at all. We just leave them on the shelf. And if we’re lucky enough, they have labels for some of us. If we’ve grown up in certain environments or certain traumas or had certain parents, they don’t even have labels. And for some of us who are, have dealt with a lot of trauma, difficult toxic relationships or, um, unsupportive of parents or challenging childhoods, uh, not only are there no labels, sometimes there no boxes and those feelings are just spilled everywhere. So I just wanna let you know that, you know, I do that too, you know, and I do that too, not intentionally, but it is one of my, um, protective mechanisms. You know, it’s a lot easier for me not to spill everything out on social media and um, you know, risk one.

It’s, it’s my means of income for my family, you know? And two, uh, it’s embarrassing. That’s the truth of it. Honestly, it’s embarrassing. It’s, it’s not, it doesn’t feel good to have your weakest moments become public conversation. And it doesn’t feel good when you’re already feeling like you’re not doing a good job as a mom, or you’re not doing a good job as a spouse, or you’re not doing a good job as a boss or whatever else to have other people say or affirm or repeat that it just doesn’t feel good. And, um, and a lot of people believe that just because you have a social media present or any type of increased visibility that, well you shared it. So I have a right to comment on it. And I think that a little bit of that is to some extent I get it, you know what I mean?

Like I’m not minimizing like the understanding of that, but it also is. Um, I think we forget that like commenting on it doesn’t necessarily mean negatively <laugh>, you know, or harshly, like you can comment on, on it and you can choose to be helpful or compassionate or grace filled or kind or understanding, or even if you’re going to have criticism doing it with grace or, you know, there’s a way that you can help support people. And so I say this to say that you’ve heard me talk about how I go to therapy before and I support it and I’m learning about boundaries and all that, but I wanna let you know that as I’ve been going through the past couple seasons of transitions in my life, you know, challenges in my marriage, challenging challenges with raising three kids that I adopted challenges with my health therapy has been my biggest support.

So for those of you guys who don’t engage in therapy, I wanna let you know this. I grew up in a background where that was not a thing. So in my household, my parents are from Ghana west Africa. Um, and you know, they’re immigrants as well as, um, you know, we’re black and in the black community, um, you know, for a variety of reasons, you know, both society based, um, you know, systemically based, uh, racially based. Um, in addition to, in some cases financially, in some cases, culturally, uh, therapy is not something that has been heavily advocated or available, um, as a resource, you know, so that’s just a challenge in and of itself. Now, obviously each of those challenges can replicate themselves across any race, right. But within the black community, it’s just sort of one thing on top up or the other. And, um, within my parents, you know, feelings were just not something that were discussed.

Like we don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about, um, you know, challenges because there was almost an understanding that life is difficult and you’re lucky to be here and, um, do your best with what you got, you know? And, um, even though it’s hard, tough enough, we all have problems. And if this sound familiar to any of you, I’m just hoping that you’re hearing that one, that mindset while you’ve managed to grow and thrive, despite it, and you’re still here is not healthy and it doesn’t serve you. And two, I want you to know that someone like me is just like you, and we’re both dealing with those same sort of thought processes around how we should manage how we feel. And I wanna let you know that I’ve learned, you know, through therapy, that, that just isn’t true, that your feelings are valid, even if they’re not correct or applicable, or they aren’t showing up in the right place, but they’re valid.

They’re real feelings. What you feel is a real feeling and you’re allowed to feel it. And then two, if we don’t work on our trauma and some of us say, oh, but I don’t have trauma. Like I had great parents, whatever else, if you grew up poor, you have the trauma of poverty. If you grew up, um, with excess responsibility as a child, that is a form of trauma. If you grew up, you know, with, uh, you know, a household where a, it was absent often, that is a form of trauma. If you grew up and you had to be an adult sooner than you should have been, that’s a format of trauma, you know, trauma, isn’t just physical abuse or emotional abuse or angry words or fighting or divorce or whatever else, all of that is trauma. So I say this to let you know that in the biggest part of therapy is identifying and learning how things that have happened to you inform your present.

It’s not about trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, cuz I I’m broken or I don’t think anything’s wrong with me. It’s not about trying to, um, go in and unpack some unearthed pain and just crying and feeling. It’s not just a bent session. If you’re having a bad day, if you have anything in your childhood that may have been imperfect. Even if the trauma wasn’t from your family, if you were just bullied or you didn’t like your body, or you felt like you didn’t have enough of a support system, whatever, anything that has ever happened to you in your life, in your past, if you don’t unpack and you don’t have awareness of that thing, it can show up in your present. It can show up in your present. So some of you I know right now aren’t going for that new job you aren’t, uh, saying, you know, yes, to that marriage that you know, is, uh, is a good one that you should be in and be more committed to.

Or you’re not saying yes to that divorce because you know, this marriage has expired and it is time for you to move on you. Aren’t saying, um, no to that friend that is overreaching and just won’t respect your boundaries. You are, are working for free. When you know, you should be paid in your freelance job. I mean, there are so many things that you do that you may not even realize could be fixed or at least improved if you engaged in therapy because you don’t realize why you’re doing ’em, you’re thinking, oh, this is just something I need to work on. And unfortunately, cause of social media and because of what I was talking about earlier, these influencers who are giving you quote cards or you know, motivation, things that you can just kind of tap on what’s happening is you’re thinking to yourself, oh, I just need to motivate myself enough to be better.

I just need to, you know, continue to drive myself until I, the issue me. And I’m supposed to figure this out and I gotta tell you, the Bible says, don’t lean on your own understanding, you know? And it’s because your understanding CIS is limited. Okay. It is limited. And that is a point of therapy is that you go in and you get an objective external view on, Hey, if you’re telling me these things happen to you were younger. Is it possible that this thing is connected to this thing? And when those light bulbs start going off, you start realizing, okay, look, I can’t change what happened to me when I was younger. But what I can do is if I feel this feeling I can then say, is this feeling appropriate here today? Or is this feeling possible not appropriate because I’m not a kid anymore.

I’m not in the same situation. So for me, just using myself as an example, cuz you guys know, I like to just, just I’ll keep it real. It’s uncomfortable to talk about, make no mistake. My belly’s doing flips cuz I’m recording this into a void. That’s the scariest thing about for, you know, just keeping it real as friends, whenever you’re recording podcasts, whenever you’re talking, you know, you guys Aren front of me. So I’m basically putting this out here and hoping that it’s helpful and hoping that it’s well received. So, um, so it’s a little scary <laugh> but all that being said, you know, in my personal example, I get so scared about new opportunities. So scared. I will literally pray for something, a certain opportunity to hit my in my box. And then when I get that email saying like, Hey yeah, we’d like to proceed.

Can you just send us this, this and this y’all I, I will let that thing sit in my inbox. I literally have to get, I have an assistant just so I can forward it. So the thing will keep moving cuz I’m almost so scared to say yes to the very thing that I approved, uh, that let me start over. I’m so scared to say yes to the very thing that I, I prayed for. And I know for some of you, you’re some of you who don’t share my trauma, who don’t have my background, you’re like, that’s crazy. It’s already there. Just say yes, but that’s my trauma. My trauma manifests anxiety that comes from the fact that when I was younger, I was always scared that a full fridge was just gonna end up empty or that if I had an opportunity that it was going to get yanked out from under me, I just grew up in a background where as much as I had a prayerful mother and much as God showed up time and time again to keep me safe and covered and fed and you know, well rounded.

I just consistently always worried about allowing myself to believe and have hope because hope didn’t always pay out when you’re poor. Sometimes you hope for a Christmas and there is nothing under that tree. And that fear of that disappointment allowed me to constantly question the goodness that would show up to this day to this day. And if it wasn’t for therapy, I can’t tell you how many opportunities I wouldn’t have said yes to, or I would’ve let expire in my inbox or text messages. I wouldn’t have answered. And if any of this is resonating with you, I just want you to use this as an example, there are things in your present because I’m not in the same situation. Listen, I am so grateful and abundantly blessed that every Christmas I know there’s gonna be gifts. Thank you God. You know, and I’m abundantly blessed in knowing that if work hard and the opportunity shows up in my inbox, it as good as one, I just need to slam dunk that bad boy.

Right. But you better believe it doesn’t change the fact that it, it sits there for a couple hours and I start writing an email back like, Hey, sorry, I didn’t get back to this sooner. You know, with a little bit of anxiety just because I’m, I’m scared, you know, and I’m working constantly in therapy to understand that look, you’ve, you’ve made it past those points. You’re not living in that same world and you don’t need to inform your present day behaviors, you know, with your past pain. And I just wanna let all of you know that if therapy is something that you’ve been on the fence about, and you’re not sure about, or you’ve crossed off because you’re like, well, I can’t of, for her, I don’t have the time. Here’s where I answer those questions cuz I know some of you’re like, all right, Nicole, I’m sold, but it’s expensive or all right, Nicole, you know, everyone says therapy is such a good idea, but what about this?

Well, first and foremost, I wanna let you know that there are a ton of resources out there. One of them is Openpathcollective.org, we’ll have it in the show notes. And they’re an organization that can partner you with a therapist on a sliding scale. Sliding scale means that you actually will pay according to what you can afford. So that means you can get one hour sessions for as little as $30, you know, and I know $30 listen. And when I say as little as I grew up with nothing, I slept on a, until I was 12. I know $30 can be grocery, lunch and gas. So I it’s not lost on me, but I also wanna let you know that you’re not gonna make it to work. You’re not going to get that marriage. And you’re not going to be able to pay for those groceries if your mental health is not well.

So therapy is also an investment in your future. So if you’re considering, if it’s something you can afford, I want you to keep that in mind as well. There’s also talking to your local therapist, you know, going through, uh, I’m showing my age right now, the phone book. Well the internet phone book. Okay. <laugh> finding a therapist locally picking up the phone and calling ’em and saying, are you accepting new patients? You know, uh, possibly pro bono status. I’ve got some things I like to work through, and this is a big moment for me. And I’d really like some help if you’d be able to help me. Um, therapists are some of the most compassionate giving and um, generous people in this world they’re really doing God’s work. And, uh, there’s a huge opportunity for you there to be able to, to get help because they want to help.

And, uh, one thing I’ve also learned is even if that therapist isn’t able to take you on, sometimes they can point you in the right direction of someone who can. So, uh, I definitely 100 percent would love for you to just start the work before you say no. Um, and there’s a little lesson in that too. So many of us say no to something before we even have given it a shot at a yes. So if you find your mind already saying no, no, no, no, no. I won’t even look into this for this million reasons that’s called being defensive. And it usually means that there may be something to it. And one of the greatest things you can do would be just to find out if your no is justified by reaching out and seeing if you can get some help. So I wanna let you know that not only am I a big advocate for therapy, not only am I, um, hugely in support for therapy, but I’ve just been so blown away by what therapy has done, not just for me, but for my family, for my kids, uh, for my business.

Um, you can ask any of my friends around me. Um, even my, you know, uh, Josh, you know, you can ask him and he’ll tell you that, um, you know, I’m different than I was five years ago, eight years ago, 10 years ago, I have more peace. I have more patience. I, um, I have less anxiety and all of that is from therapy. All of that is from, um, you know, learning to not answer from a place of my trauma, from a place of my hurt in the way that I show up in the world. And, um, and it’s really, really transformed me as a mother, as a friend, as a business owner and as a woman in general. So, um, I really, really, really just wanted to share that with all of you, you know, because I get so many questions in the DMs and things to search where you guys are.

Like, I like, you know, I’ve got this problem or I’ve got this problem, or I’m confused about this, or I’m not sure about this. And while therapy, isn’t the end all be all in all the answers. Life is difficult. Life is the meeting and solving of problems. You will continuously have to face things, but if you have therapy, you can just get to your answer a little bit quicker with a little less pain and a little less. And I gotta tell you in this crazy world, couldn’t we all use a little more breathing room. You deserve it, friend. I say it all the time. You are deserving. You are, you deserve ease. You deserve peace. You deserve joy. You deserve a life that is satisfying and fulfilling. You deserve to do meaningful work, but you’ve gotta start that process and you don’t have to do it alone. So if you’re looking into therapy, if you’re are thinking about therapy, this is your sign.

I love chatting with you guys week after week with stuff like this. So the one thing I wanted to leave you off on our one final note, you know, cuz we’re all a hot mess express. So I wanna close out with this.

If there’s nothing else you take from me for this entire chat, if there’s nothing else you picked up from our interviews, from our calls, from anything that we have today, this is the one thing I want you to know. Your pastor is not your therapist. Your spouse is not your therapist. Your friend is not your therapist. Your Instagram feed is not your therapist, your business coach, your spiritual guide, your motivational expert. These people are not a replacement for a proper clinician who is trained to identify. If the issue that you’re dealing with is something ongoing. If it’s something medical or if it’s something that has bigger impact beyond the moment that you’re in, you deserve to spoil yourself with great therapy. So friend, go get you some.

In this episode, I share:

• My thoughts on if you should quit your 9-5 now or later to pursue my passion,
• If it’s too late if you and your partner are considering a divorce,
• Why your friend isn’t your therapist, and
• The ups and downs of my mental health and what I do about it

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Get great, affordable therapy through Open Path Collective
• Connect with me on Facebook and Instagram!
• To send me a voice message that could be used on the show, click here!
• Don’t miss Episode 1 of Season 3, HERE!
• If you love our chats like I do, I’d so appreciate a review for the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Nothing’s Missing

by Nicole Walters | May 3, 2022

Nothings Missing

Hey friend, welcome to season 3! If you’ve been here before then you know it’s been a minute and man do I have a LOT to catch you up on.

In this first episode of season 3, I need to take you back to move you forward. Sharing this news with you is not easy but I’m so grateful I have this space to tell you my truth. Even through the grief I’m experiencing, I’m realizing that nothing’s missing.

But before we get into that, I have to tell you that there was actually another version of this episode that almost aired.

When I listened to it back though I realized it was vague, it was edited, and I wasn’t sharing the real deal. If you’re new around here, I don’t want to start a new season like that and if you’ve been here before, I want to honor that you’ve had my back over the years. If there is one thing I want you to take away from this episode it’s that nothing’s missing.

So this version of episode 1 is the real deal and the start of something new. Something I’m so glad we get to do together. Season 3 of The Nicole Walters Podcast. It’s a new me, it’s a better us. I’m so glad you’re here.

Hey friend, if you are new around here, my name’s Nicole and I’m regular. I’ve had a pretty extraordinary life, but man, am I learning how regular I am! And I wanna go back to move you forward. But before I do, I wanna tell you something, This conversation we’re having is not the first one. I actually recorded this before and I had to come back because I listened to it and it was vague. It was edited. It wasn’t the real deal. And like I said, if you’re new around here, I don’t wanna start off like that. And if you’ve been here before, well, I wanna honor the fact that you’ve always had my back and you’re coming back again.

And so I wanna give you more cuz you deserve more. So let’s chat, I’ve built a business, Inherent Learning Company, it’s a digital education firm, that afforded me many different things. It afforded me a home. It’s beautiful and it’s taken care of my kids. It’s given me vacations and luxury and more than anything, it’s given me impact and visibility and stability. And these are all things that I lacked growing up. These are all things that I thought if I had them that I’d made it. But eight years in, I realized that it was costing me more.

About a year ago, I started having health issues. Working every day, balancing a TV show airing that I filmed during the pandemic, juggling a marriage, my children, everything. My blood pressure was posting at 173 over 141. A normal, healthy blood pressure is 120 over 80. I was in stroke range. Soon after, I faced facial paralysis when I was struck with an episode of bells palsy, half of my face was sagging. The same face that was supposed to be on TV. The smile that so many people had come to know, I literally lost.

And what I found was that with the business and with everything, it was starting to really serve more as a distraction from the deep inside work that I needed to do. I was struck with anxiety. I was worried about the future. I was battling recovering from trauma from years and years of a crazy childhood and trauma that I was living day to day in my own home.

But I was so worried about serving because here’s the thing and I think that if we’ve known each other from before, if you’re just meeting here the first time you might be picking this up, it’s precious to me to be able to show up for people and not just the people in my family, my kids, but you, I love helping people find their purpose. And I love, through my business, giving them the practical and actionable business tools to make it happen. I got a lot of validation out of being able to post those wins, to be able to say that I could make it happen. And all these health scares that I’ve been talking about online and the business building and the burnout. I mean, each of these challenges is a story in itself. It’s a whole podcast. It’s a whole book, but for me, they were just symptoms of a bigger problem.

Friend, nothing is more important than living your truth, But it’s also important to remember that you have to share your scars and not your scabs. I’m healing now. And I can share what I’m learning now. I can share it here.

At first, I leaned into what I already knew, and you might have done this in your own life. When things start getting a little haywire, when you start seeing little chaos on the horizon, you double down on what you know, I did more business. I booked more events. I grew more clients. I created content. I did what I knew worked. I launched a TV show on a major network in the midst of a pandemic. And I served over 3000 people in my consulting company, Inherent learning. I get business. So I was trying to keep doing business and much like you, cuz we’re all like this a little bit inside, I managed to keep it all together.

I was changing lives. I was serving well as a business consultant, but all the while I was doing that, I was struggling to use the tools that I’d learned to take care of myself. It was no longer about moving the same pieces around to try to win this game. The whole board was turned over. The pieces were scattered everywhere. If you’re here for the first time, I want us to live in truth. If you’re returning again, I want us to continue in truth. And the truth is I’m starting over friend.

We said your new life is going to cost you your old one. I’m revamping my business. I’m rethinking all my products, Everything that I thought I knew, I’m looking at it again and figuring out how I can do it better. I’ve also integrated fitness to improve my health and I’m doubling up on therapy and I’m focusing on my kids. But this honestly is what I’ve wanted to tell you now for a year. But honestly there’s no right time to say this part because honestly I never wanted to say it at all. Josh, the hubbin and I are separated. It’s not something I’ve wanted to do, But it’s something that had to happen. And I had no choice. I’ve become, am known for being a big quitter. I quit my job live online in front of 10,000 people. But this time it’s not my choice.

And while I know that many, particularly in this internet age find glee and gossip, it’s not the path that I’m willing to walk. It’s not what I’m gonna do here. And it’s not what I wanna do with you. What I can and will say is that this is one of the hardest, if not the hardest moments of my life saying this out loud and with respect to the fact that I have taken the past few months to learn how to eat again and sleep again and breathe again, let alone accept and say this out loud. It’s devastating. It’s heart wrenching. It’s scary. It’s unexpected. 14 years. Married at 23. I thought we’d be together forever. And anyone who’s ever experienced loss or had to learn from it, you know that when you jump into anything, you are never ever considering that it’s going to come to an end.

But instead, now I’m living this life where I’m trying to seek gratitude day in and day out in grief. And all I’ve learned is that the two can coexist. They have to. Naively, part of me thought that I’ve already had my fair share of hard stuff happen. Cause I spent the past eight years navigating a pretty complex family situation. I mean, I adopted my kids from the side of a street in Baltimore and I’ve had to deal with baby mama drama. And I’ve built a life online over the past 12 years. And my 17 year old was diagnosed with stage four cancer and we battled that out. And then of course we all had to deal with the pandemic.

And most recently I had to check my eldest child into a recovery center and be by her side while she fought a journey for her life. I did all this privately while prioritizing my family and still putting a meal on the table every night and building a business that works, that is working, that feeds my family. And it feeds my soul. If you’re anything like me friend, when stuff like this happens, you can get really hung up, sometimes for months at a time on how I could have done everything, right. Everything. Right.

I followed the steps. I did the plans. I bought the courses, I did. I got the mentors. I went to therapy. I did all the things, right. I did everything that was asked of me. I showed up in every way, I did every single thing I was supposed to do and everything is wrong. But after therapy to cope with what I never, ever thought would happen, after leaning into God and the endless support for my family and friends after a whole lot of time, recovering what I realized the truth is in this season is that nothing is missing. Everything is right. Everything’s also very wrong <laugh> But nothing is missing.

Nothing’s missing because I’ve created the tools to support myself and my path by making the hard decisions long before I ever reached this point and nothing is missing because six years ago, when I started my health journey and I lost over a hundred pounds, it was all to help with the recovery that I had to go through today with all the health concerns that showed up. Nothing is missing because I invested in the friendships and the family and the people like you to support me through these transitions. The hardest part, friend, and I’m sure you can relate to this, sometimes isn’t in finding the tools, it’s in remembering to use them. We have to use the tools that we’ve worked so hard to acquire and we have to use them because you’re deserving. I’m deserving. We deserve.

You know, me and the girls, we’re okay. I know you may be worried. And if you’re new around here, you’re probably like, girl, what is going on? Well, look, we have this whole season to talk through all the pieces and we will <laugh> and if you’ve been around here for a while, you’re what we call an internet auntie, it’s okay. We’re okay.

During the season, we’ve actually formed a deeper connection than ever. They’ve given me hope because they’re the most resilient people. I know I’ve seen them face and survive challenges that people only have nightmares about. They’re thriving, despite everything. I thank God for the opportunity to have walking examples around me every single day of what’s possible. I’m also grateful because I’ve lived the past 14 years feeling very alone in my pain. Feeling like I couldn’t quite share the completeness of what I was going through because it was mine and mine alone to carry. But what community, what having platforms like this space that we’re in, where we chat every single day on the way to work or while doing laundry or cooking in the kitchen or with our family and our friends.

This space that we have Is that you’ve shown me that if you’re willing to walk in transparency, if you’re willing to lean on the people around you, aside from grief and gratitude, healing and happiness can also coexist. A lot of you have been in my DMs and I’ve seen you in the comments and I’ve gotten the messages about how you’re happy to see my smile return again. And you’ve been worried about me or something as simple as you’ve been praying for me, you’re keeping an eye out. And I want you to know that I have felt your prayers over the past year and you’ve prayed in specificity for me and the girls. And God has shown up in a very big way. And this is big deal because life can get pretty confusing, especially when you’re moving, according to plan and then you’re told that the plan is changed.

But there’s this Bible verse and basically what it says is that God is not the author of confusion. And what that means to me in this moment, as I sit with you now is that if I’d ran with that other episode, I’d recorded the one that was reviewed by the agents and the managers and the PR. The one that was edited 10,000 times to sound just so, I’d leave you confused. If I’d aired that episode, after all the prayers and support and cheers, and the love that has kept me in this painful season, that all I would do is aid confusion.

And God doesn’t reside in confusion. And while I may not be completely clear about what tomorrow’s gonna bring, one thing I do know is that I do wanna be where God resides. And I wanna take this journey with Him and with you. What I’ve always done here on social media and all my platforms from starting my business. You guys have seen me from when I quit my job all the way to when I crossed multi millions. From when I met my girls all the way until when I officially became their mom. I’ve taken you on the journey and that journey used to be mostly about business with a smidge of life stuff. And we’ll still have moments when we discuss it because the truth is it’s all kind of intermingled. You know, it’s all part of who I’ve been and where I’m going, But ultimately there’s so much more. I mean, when we leave our parents home or head off to college or get married or become parents, we always leave some of who we were, our old selves behind. And we start over as a newer self. But as we get older, we also learn that it’s not always our choice to start over.

And if there’s one lesson that I’m really embracing now that I wanna share with you, as I’m living and telling my truth, is that we better get really good at building from scratch because at any point in time, life is gonna ask us to do just that. So again, friend, this episode was done, it was ready. It was scheduled to run. I am a couple days out. I mean, people are gonna be working weekends and God bless them. <laugh> to get this one out. You know, because I just knew I had to say it. I couldn’t give you less because I finally actually discovered a joy in a post previous life change, you know, a recovery that’s been so much more.

And that is what our relationship it’s about. It’s not about the PR stuff. It’s not about perfection. It’s been imperfection. It’s been meeting me in my kitchen as I’m cooking dishes in my bathrobe. It’s about seeing me run out in the street with no bra while I meet people at the bus stop. It is about laughing about the hot mess express that is figuring it all out as we go.

It’s about more. And I don’t wanna cheapen it by giving you less. And I believe in more. And I want you to believe in more too, especially as we’re doing this together. So there’s gonna be more growth and there’s gonna be more goodness. And there’s going to be guaranteed more hot mess and more wins. And I just want you to see that and maybe, hopefully I hope that kind of putting it out here, it makes it truer. That I and you can survive it all. And with all of that friend, the part that’s scariest for me in all of this is I don’t know how you’re gonna take it, cuz I care about you. I hope that you grant me grace especially as I share what I’m learning as I share how I’m growing. And as I share the tools that I’m using to start again. And hopefully start better than before.

This podcast, season three, it’s all about living. Chasing joy, truth. And friend, I’m grateful we get to do it together, get to do life together. So if you’re new around here, it’s a lot. <laugh>, we’ll laugh, we’ll cry, but it’ll all be real. And if you’re coming back, I’m glad you’re here. Welcome to the Nicole Walters Podcast, friend. It’s a new me and it’s a better us. I’m so glad we’re here. Let’s go.

In this episode, I share:

• Why I’m starting season 3 now and where I’ve been the last year,
• Tough news that I’ve waited for this moment to share with you,
• How I’m learning that grief and gratitude can coexist, and
• Why I’m starting from scratch in so many areas of my life and how nothing’s missing

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Connect with me on Facebook and Instagram!
• To send me a voice message that could be used on the show, click here!
• Catch up on previous episodes by starting with Season 1, Episode 1!
• If you love our chats like I do, I’d so appreciate a review for the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.