The Family Rules
The Family Rules
I love how we can come here to talk not just business but go deep on our values, things we believe, things that really matter! Because Thanksgiving is coming up, we’re talking about family today and not just anything but the rules that keep my family run smoothly.
I get so many questions on parenting and if you haven’t heard the story of how many family was formed just 5 years ago, make sure you check out episode 1 of the show. It’s the basis for everything!
So today I’m diving deep into the rules that keep our family close, help each individual find success and helps me keep my mommy guilt in check. My hope is that you can learn something from these rules, maybe even to implement in your household.
Thanks for joining me today – I always appreciate you showing up for our weekly chats! What rules do your families live by? Let me know on Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter. I can’t wait to hear from you!
00:00 Hey friend, you’re listening to The Nicole Walters Podcast. I’m a former six-figure corporate executive who woke up every morning feeling stuck in the life that I built for myself but using my corporate skills I took to the Internet and built a multi-seven-figure business, showing others how they can build a life they love. Now on this podcast, I share stories of being an entrepreneur, a mom to my three amazing girls and a wife to my crazy, cooky dancing Hubbin. I’ve had a couple of viral videos too. So you know there’s going to be a lot of laughs here. So whether you’ve seen me on my viral vids or on the Today Show or read about me in Forbes, this is the place where we can meet, share stories, share laughs, and share fun. I’m your best friend in your head. So sit back, listen close, and let’s get started.
00:48 Hey friend, so this chat is actually a little different. We are coming up on Thanksgiving break in a little bit and I wanted to talk about family. I think it’s great because we can come here and chat about things that have to do with business or we can talk about some of our values and things we believe, but I want to dive deep on the real deal. The kids are going to be home and I get a lot of questions about parenting. So I want to start with this disclaimer: Mama, whatever you do to help your family be its best is what’s right to do. There’s a lot of voices out there that are telling you that you need to parent this way or that you’re not doing enough. “I can’t believe you use plastics and you don’t feed your kid organic and you vaccinate your kids and you don’t vaccinate your kids.”
01:37 I mean, there’s so many voices out there that are screaming that you’re doing it wrong and all I want you to know in everything we’re about to chat about today is that as long as you’re doing your best, then that’s enough. We don’t need one more person telling us that it’s not good enough because guess what? Our kids are going to do things like stick erasers in their ear at school and that’s going to make us feel like we’re not doing enough. We don’t need one more person reminding us. So I say all of that to let you know that today’s chat is based on a lot of questions that I get in. You send me messages on Instagram or on Facebook or you email me at [email protected] and I get tons of questions.
02:20 So I wanted to take the time to kind of go through some of our family rules, some of the things that have really helped us to get closer to each other to find success in our individual tasks and to be completely candid and transparent, really helped alleviate some of the mommy guilt that I feel everyday because I run a business because I travel because what we do is unconventional. And I have to say some of these things may seem strict or weird for some of you and some of them may be like, Oh my gosh, light bulb moment. This is something that we definitely want to do, but no matter what, we are really, really proud of the way that we are presenting ourselves in the world. We’re proud of the girls that we are raising and above all else we’re really grateful because some of these rules came from you. They came from moms who’ve sent us messages saying, Hey, have you thought about trying this or internet aunties that were like, Oh my gosh, you know, I’ve been teaching for 10 years and you know, this is something that can work.
03:15 So I’m throwing all these out here and I’m saying that we’re happy and comfortable and grateful for where we are. But you know, I’m also saying that I hope that they could possibly help you guys grow as well. Now I want to talk about the family rules. If you aren’t familiar with our family’s story and how we came to be, go back and listen to episode one. It’s our very first chat we’ve ever had and it sets the tone for the time that we spend here every single week. And if you have listened to that chat, then you know that we just became a family five years ago. We’re all new to this and there’s nothing more freeing than knowing as a mom that it doesn’t matter if it’s been five years or 15 years, your kids will likely show up someday with something random that you never expected or encountered before and you’ve got to fix it.
03:58 So we’re always trying to make it up as we go and do the best we can. So some of the rules that we have, our biggest rule by far in our household is this, “Tell the truth because if you can ask, you can get an answer.” Now, this truth is from just the way that I grew up. I grew up in a household where, because my parents are from Ghana, West Africa, you don’t spend a lot of time kind of questioning the rules. And what I’ve found in talking to a lot of internet aunties and uncles is that that’s not really that uncommon that you guys actually, you know, like you grew up in the South or kind of with old school, old value parents, you know, kids are to be seen and not heard. You are to follow the rules and not question authority. And the reality is kids are curious and they’re complex and if they learn how to respectfully challenge and ask questions, well you ended up developing a well rounded competent leader who can express themselves and live by a strong moral code as well.
04:57 And that is why we are so big in our household in particular and saying let’s have open dialogue. So what does that look like? It looks like this. If our kids ask us about sex, well guess what? We’re ready to talk about sex and we’re ready to talk about it from a truthful perspective. And that means not just telling them what we want them to know, but what they need to know. That means talking about married sex and also talking about sex that is very popularized in society. It means talking about how they might feel, their emotions and also talking about the fact that they can control their emotions. And it also talks about not feeling judged and knowing that no matter what you do, you’re still worthy and loved and you’re never going to be at risk of losing that love from me, your dad or from God.
05:48 So having these conversations while unpleasant and uncomfortable because they are the definition of true parenting, we’d rather have our kids feel comfortable knowing that they can come to us and get honest, truthful answers instead of going to the internet or to their friend down the street or just making up answers in their head. That’s why we have that rule. If you could ask, you deserve an answer. Now, right after that rule is our rule about being allowed to challenge any rules and any consequences. And I know that sounds crazy because it’s like if there are rules that can be challenged then how are they rules at all? Well, what it means is that we are open to dialogue. We want kids that are fearless about speaking truth to power. So what that means is if they’re in a room and they see an injustice happening, we want to raise kids that know how to one, identify that injustice and two, know how to speak up eloquently and professionally and respectfully in order to get that justice changed.
06:56 And there’s no better place to practice that than in your own home. So when my 17 year old comes to me and says, mom, I want to go out. I want to hang out with my friends. I want to be there until 12 this is what’s going on. Well, sounds great. The rules are that you need to be in by 8:30 especially on a school night. And I need to know all the details. You’re not going to over to anyone’s home where I don’t know their parent. And of course we don’t do sleep overs. These are rules that we have. Now, if my 17 year old comes back and says, well, I’ve done some research and these are reasons why I feel like this rule can change and here are some ways that I think I can meet you halfway. And so additional things I’d like to bring to the table to make sure that you’re comfortable in knowing that I will follow this rule and that it will not challenge any of our other roles.
07:42 Well, if she does the work, we’re willing to modify because honestly, secretly between the two of us, we know that we don’t know everything. We know that as parents were doing the best we can and sometimes don’t tell him, but our kids are right. So that’s why we have this rule. Now, does it mean that they’re always right now, but it does mean that they learn how to craft an argument and make sure that they know how to persuade with respect. And those are the types of people that we want to leave in the world. Another rule that we have that seems like a no-brainer, and I think that a lot of families live and die by this rule, but they never really articulated is that we’re a team. I think it’s easy to assume that as a family, we already know that we’re a team, but it’s really important for us to say, Hey, we are Team Walters.
08:35 And what that means is that we have clearly articulated to our family that we rely on each other to be able to perform our best. Because they’re my babies forever, whether they’re age six or age 16 or age 60, wherever I am on this planet, if I don’t know my venues are okay, I’m not going to be able to perform my best. And that is really important. And so I’ve articulated to them that while I don’t expect my kids to fund my bills or take care of me, what I do need them to do as part of the team members is do their very best to take good care of themselves, to use strong communication and to remember what mom and dad have taught them and live their lives with good morals and values. Because if they can do that, well then mom can be confident getting on stage.
09:19 She knows that she doesn’t have to worry about her babies and she doesn’t hear from them for a couple of days. She knows they’re okay because they know that they’re part of a team. They know that they belong to someone in something and if they’re able to abide by that, well then guess what else? Mom can bring in those coins and we can do those vacations and I’m able to help support them if they need it because a team works together. It also lets them know that because we’re a team we don’t lose by ourselves. So if you’re having a bad day or if you’re running into a problem, well guess what? You’re surrounded by teammates. You don’t have to do it by yourself. We’re here to help you with that heavy lift. It doesn’t matter if it’s self created or if it’s a lift for us all, we do it together.
10:06 That’s like teamwork is such a big rule in the Walters household. We have a couple of quick ones and these ones are just general rules that we have in the house, but they kind of really help us function. They just make sure that our day goes with ease and that we use structure and there are things that we never really thought were that big of a deal. But when I talk about them on social media, whether it’s on my Instagram, @NicoleWalters or Facebook, if you follow me around there, a lot of times you guys point those out. Internet aunties will say, Oh, what an interesting rule. So I’m going to point them out here once and for all and kind of explain why they are. Now, one of the rules we have is everyone on the same floor. Now I actually got this role for my dear friend Chalene Johnson.
10:46 She uses this with her kids and they’re all grown and out of the house now but it was a rule that when I became a new mom I definitely wanted to apply. And it’s a simple rule, it’s that we don’t come in at the end of the day after school, run up to our room and close the door. It’s just not an option. Sure you can go upstairs, get whatever you need, but we all are on the same floor. If we’re awake in the house, we’re on the same floor. You don’t have to be in the same room. You don’t have to sit right next to me. Heck, we don’t even have to watch the same TV show or interact or talk. You can sit on your phone in another room, but we need to be on the same floor. And the reason why is this, how many of us have heard those stories of the kids who just lock themselves in the room every single day and the parents only saw them when they came down for a bite to eat or Monday through Friday, they didn’t see them at all.
11:34 Only to find out that child was going up there and crying or having a difficult day or sexting or doing something inappropriate or doing something amazing like painting or dancing or some other gift. Here’s the thing, it’s really difficult to be involved in your kids’ lives if you don’t see them. And if you’re anything like me and you’re a busy mom, whether it’s cooking or cleaning or anything of that sort, you may not have the time to run upstairs into a room or knock on a door, but guess what? If you have to walk past them a couple times or if they have to be right out of the corner of your eye while you’re cooking in that kitchen, it’s a lot easier to keep tabs. It’s a lot easier to see their face. It’s a lot easier to hear them giggle and chuckle while they find a funny meme and ask them what’s so funny?
12:24 Frankly, it’s a shortcut to parenting and we found that keeping all of us in the same room means that we interact a lot more and so that’s why that’s one of our rules. Everyone on the same floor. Another rule we have is at night phones stay downstairs. Now our kids don’t even get phones until they’re 16 there are million means to communicate and we definitely want to make sure that they stay safe, but we try to keep phones out of their hands. Smart phones that is, the ones with the flat screens until they’re 16 and that’s because there’s really nothing for them to do. They’re not using that phone to start a business. They’re not using that phone interact and frankly, if they want to hang out with their friends, we’d rather that they did it in person because that’s how relationships are actually fostered.
13:09 They’re not just fostered through having a mean Snapchat streak. We want to make sure they understand how to interact and build valuable connections, but once they get those phones, they don’t go to bed with those phones. They stay downstairs in mom and dad’s room and then they can pick them up in the morning. The answer for this is simple. It’s just because we want them to have a good nights sleep. Kids need it a good nights. Sleep helps their brains grow. It helps them function and it helps them make better decisions. Being a teenager is hard enough. We want to make sure that we minimize distractions that keep them from growing into the best they can be and it’s really easy when you have that phone to stay up all night cause #guilty. I’ll go to bed and I’ll scroll for a few minutes before I actually close my eyes. And the last thing I want is my teenager doing this when they have to wake up at 5:00 AM to catch the bus so that said phones stay downstairs. And a couple of little ones, we want to make sure they have great eyebrows because as we know, eyebrows are the window to your soul.
14:13 We exfoliate, we exfoliate as a family. We make it important that we recognize that our skin matters. We think it’s important to come in before the street lights come on. It’s super old school but we don’t want our kids out too late. What is it that moms always say there’s nothing open after 10 but liquor stores haha. I want my kids in before it gets too late. We also make sure that we let our kids know that it’s important that they work towards something. We don’t care what it is that they want to become. We don’t care how they want to use the gifts that God’s given them, but we do know that they need to constantly progress. Even if it doesn’t look like perfection. It’s not okay to live life without a plan. This may come from something that my dad used to say growing up.
15:01 He used to say, my daughter, idle hands will do the devil’s work. Really Dad? Idle hands do the devil’s work? Haha. I get it. But what he means is if you’re not busy, you’ll fall into anything. There’s so many things going on and honestly, we’re at our best when we’re productive and that’s what we try to tell our girls. I don’t care if you want to become a dancer and accountant or a superstar, whatever it is every single day, give your best and make progress towards it. And we have a ton of other little rules that we follow, like going to therapy and respecting each other, having one on one conversations. If we feel like we need to really hash things out and of course progress, not perfection, but ultimately I think one of our biggest rules and the one that I want to close on today and share with you in hopes that it may help you and your family as well is showing gratitude.
15:54 Now we have a lot to be grateful for as the Walters, our family wasn’t even a thing five years ago. We are so grateful that God saw us fit to find each other and we want to make sure that we extend that gratitude into all of the many places that he continues to manifest in our lives. And for that reason we constantly tell our kids, be grateful. Know that it could be so different in our lives, in our health, in our finances, and we are so blessed every single day to have the family that we have. And for that reason, we not only show gratitude to each other, we not only show grace to each other, but we recognize that we have an opportunity to live our legacy now and we are grateful for God for that chance. Gratitude is the overarching theme in our household and I hope that with some of these rules, with some of the things we’ve discussed today that you can extend it in yours. I love spending our time together week after week and I hope you have a great holiday and maybe some of these rules make it a little easier.
17:07 I’ll chat with you again. Thanks so much for listening, friend. If you enjoyed this podcast, head over to NicoleWalters.com. I’d love for us to stay in touch, so make sure you drop your email address so I can send you inspiration, business details and the occasional funny story and because I’m so generous, there might even be a selfie in the mix. Thanks again. Make sure you subscribe and come back soon.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- What rules keep my family close and connected,
- The answers to some of your – Why do you do that? – questions, and
- How these rules help me keep my mommy guilt in check
Resources and links mentioned in this episode:
- Write a quick review for the show on Apple here!
- Don’t miss last week’s episode – Episode 35: The Hard Calls
More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:
The Nicole Walters Podcast is for the everyday entrepreneur that wants to increase their income but doesn’t know where to start. If that’s you, you’re in the right place!
Nicole Walters is a wife, mom, income strategist, entrepreneur, and the founder of The Monetized Life™. Join Nicole each week for a new episode packed with what you need to know to gain clarity, grow your network and monetize your life using the proven corporate strategies she mastered in 10 years as a Fortune 500 executive.
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