Me, You, & 1 Million

We are celebrating something so exciting today, friend! Together we’ve surpassed 1 MILLION downloads of this podcast! To celebrate I thought there was no better way than to hand over the mic to… YOU!

Yes, we’ve got 10 internet besties here today to share who they are and what piece of advice they would give to the rest of us richfriends!

Thank you for being here for this extra special chat and for listening to the show each week! I am beyond grateful to have you on this ride with me.

Let me know how you found me by sliding into my DMs @NicoleWalters and connect with each of the internet besties below!

Nicole:
Hey, friends, I am beyond grateful that you are here. I say this at the top of every episode that I’m so excited, it’s because I miss you week after week, I just am looking forward to our time together where we can sit and we can chat. And we can connect, we can go over all the things that are happening all the time to each of us. But the reason that I’m particularly excited about today’s chat is because I’m not by myself, we’re actually celebrating something kind of big. And I don’t know, it’s exciting!

I have officially crossed a million downloads of this podcast. That means that as a community, as internet besties, we have collectively been able to reach a million listeners, people who are hearing every single day, and joining in and on our chats and getting inspirational messages to keep going and fuel just to keep showing up in this crazy world. And it’s so meaningful to me that you return week after week for us to spend this time together. And I’m just very grateful because life can be hard. And it can be difficult to feel like you’re doing so much of this alone. And because of you, I have never felt that way, between showing up week after week and the encouraging messages you leave on social media, and on Instagram at Nicole Walters. It’s just so incredible. It’s such a blessing to be able to show up here. I mean, it is not lost on me the privilege that it is to have this platform.

So all that being said, I think there’s no better way for me to celebrate this moment than for me to hand my mic over. So plot twist, spoiler alert, surprise, surprise, I am not here by myself, I know that typically it’s just a one to one chat with you in your car or doing you know a workout or getting dinner ready and me just kind of chatting up in your ear. But today, I’ve got probably the most important special guests that I’ve ever had (outside of my babies!) here on the Nicole Walters podcast, and they are here right now. So I’m gonna let them kind of say hi to you. All right, everyone, can I get a big Hi.

Excited, those are the voices of us, our internet besties y’all, I am so excited because I have 10 of our very close Internet besties here in the room today. And what I want to do is something a little different. I know typically we do Q&A and we slide into DMs and I kind of share something that I’ve learned, you know, a lesson or sometimes a lecture but on today’s chat, I want to kind of give you the mic. I want us to be able to share what we’ve learned and how we’re learning it, how we’re showing up in the world. And you’re going to hear from our friends that are just like you. What we’re going to share today is not just going to be inspirational and motivational, but they’re going to be real actionable tools that are going to change our lives. So if there was ever a chat to grab your pen and grab your paper, this is it.

Hey friends, so I’m Jennifer Oglesby.
My name is Victoria James
Laura Buttle, Sheila Buttle
My name is Michelle Guillaume, Kimberly Wallen, Amanda Woodson, Lauren Olivares,

Firenza Anderson-Philpot, My name is Jae Amoah.

Jae, yes, girl, I am so excited that you are here. I’m excited to, I can’t even tell you so y’all, you don’t know about Jae. And I’m going to tell you about Jae. So normally, I would ask you how we met. I’m gonna tell you how. It’s exciting for me because I love meeting ya’ll. So I did a speaking event for Create and Cultivate. Absolutely love this event. It was in LA, it was sort of women, entrepreneurial, all that good stuff. And I was speaking on balancing business, you know, through the years. So afterwards, Jae comes up to me and she’s like, I just wanna let you know, I loved your session. Honestly, I don’t remember what she said. Because she looked so good. Literally, when she walked up to me it was like a blur of sunlight and the fashion. I mean, she looked incredible. Long story short, she ended up coming to my Meet and Greet later on in LA. And again, looked amazing. She was wearing this jumpsuit and it was like perfectly tailored to her body. She looked amazing. And finally, I was like, What is this about? Turns out, she is like the fashion connoisseur. She knows how to pick out outfits. She knows how to make stuff from scratch. He knows how to tailor, I mean, it is like the perfect blend of old school fashion maven, you know, with the seamstress goodness. And like super cool visionary like looking forward design. I mean, it’s unbelievable.

So I’m super excited that she’s here because you’re gonna know her everywhere. And I just got to get to her first. So, Jae now that I’ve gone on and on about like, she’s, you know, she’s here wearing a bodysuit outfit that she made herself. So you’ve got to catch the YouTube channel version of this because she looks incredible. So what made you even think I’m gonna come up and talk to her?

Jae:
I was first introduced to you through your TV show. And I watch a lot of TV and I saw the first commercial and my jaw like dropped. I was like, she looks like me.

Nicole:
So y’all can’t tell we look like family. We literally lookalike.

Jae:
To see your family and your life and to see all the things that you were, I was like, I’m hooked. And so I started learning more about your business. And I was like, Wait, yeah, she’s really all that. Oh, my God, I saw the Create & cultivate and you know, there are amazing speakers there. But you were the person that I came out to see, because I actually felt that connection. And so I’m glad and I was kind of hesitant too. I was like, I don’t know, if you’re gonna like you know, just zoom off stage. Oh, I’m glad I was able to catch you and connect. And I’m glad I learned about the event.

Nicole:
And look at where we are now. Isn’t that crazypants? So this was all in probably about a week. So it’s been about seven days. Yeah, we went from Oh, I’ll see you at an event. I grabbed you aside the stage to sitting across from me. Yeah, having a chat really fast and life just comes at you like yes, girl like listen, I’m here for it. I meet you guys for the first time in person. Are we talking to DMs forever? Yes, but how do we find each other?

Victoria:
So I found on Instagram. Okay, and then just started following your story and then I actually signed up for 1k1day and that was it.

Nicole:
So that was it, because I always am like, what’s the first connection? You know what I mean?

Victoria:
It was cycle 14. So that was really impactful for me. So that’s kind of how we met and ever since then you’ve responded to my DMs. Yeah, it was always like oh, wow, she actually responded so you responded to me and we just started talking and then that’s the wrong target.

Nicole:
That’s your story for another day but hot mess I held my own meet and eat event and you better believe I went to like the wrong location. Because why? Because that’s me.

Sheila:

You just dropped into my life on Facebook. Wow. Whoa, squirrels in the attic. Oh, like I said who is this lady in her bonnet being crazy running around the house with these children, all kicking it in this pretty house. Oh, talking about the squirrel to hear the whole story. Wow, I like her.

Nicole:
I love this. And I like you back. And if you guys are wondering what we’re chatting about. I’ve got a bunch of viral videos out there and one of them is me trying to chase some squirrels in my attic. So if you ever get around to it, definitely check it out.

Kimberly:
Okay, short answer. Your TV show, She’s The Boss. I was like it’s another bossy chocolate girl. And I stalked you online. And then I found 1K1Day and I became part of the legacy cycle. Oh my gosh, I’m so glad we’re connected. I’m so sorry, I’m married too. My husband will be like what if I don’t mention him.

Nicole:
I love it. We don’t even have to edit that out. Like y’all. That’s real life. Listen, you better be like I’m a wife. I’m married. Throw out an “I love you.”

Kimberly: I love you!

Nicole:
There we go. There we go. Now you’re good, now everything’s fine. Yes, those dishes better be done, the trash. How’d we meet?

Jen:
Well, besides being best friends, Nicole, of course, on Instagram, and then I joined 1K1Day. It completely changed my life. Then I joined the yacht club, made it even better. And things started happening after the yacht club that you can’t even imagine. I think damn, yes.

Nicole:
So for those of you who are listening, who are saying what are they talking about? What you saw, 1K1Day and Yacht Club, all these good things, these are all programs that are offered through my business side Inherit Learning Company, it’s my digital education firm. You can learn more about them at inheritlearning.com. We offer programs for entrepreneurs, everyday people who are looking to do things the right way and build out their businesses. So Jen, of course, I’m so excited that you’re part of it. Because just your drive, your energy, the way that you show up in the world is something that not only deserves to be seen, but it’s fun.

Let’s just jump right to your piece of advice, your feedback. So what is your one piece of advice that you think that anyone listening could really benefit from?

Victoria:
I think anyone listening could benefit from a piece of advice from a friend of mine as she was seeing me struggling with my littles and trying to just plan my days and she said, Hey, Victoria, be kind to your future self. So do the things now so that in the future, you can actually enjoy these moments because you’ve already taken care of the business beforehand. So just to be kind to your future self by doing the hard things now and then you know, you can enjoy the good times.

Nicole:
Oh, that’s so good. I love this. I can already tell this is going to be one of those chats. It’s gonna be so filled with joy. It means that everybody’s gonna get something out of it, you are kicking us off beautifully.

Jen:
So my one piece of advice would be to speak life over anything that you do. So I had to learn that the hard way because I was used to letting other people sort of navigate me and tell me no, don’t do this, do it this way. Do it that way. So now I just speak life over everything that I do and speak it into existence. And here we are.

Nicole:
That’s amazing. I mean, I think that a lot of us forget that when we speak about something, we’re the first ones to hear it. So if you say something negative, well, you’re already putting out that it’s going to have a negative outcome.

Laura:
Have a safety net.

Nicole:
Oh, that’s good.

Laura:
I mean, even though I’ve booked many things, and I’ve worked pretty consistently, there has been a lot of slow periods at the same time. So when that money isn’t consistent, I have to do what I have to do to make my rent.

Nicole:
Oh, yeah. Yeah, it’s crazy out here. Yeah. I love that. So I mean, that’s such a valuable insight. And one, it’s a testament to how mom has raised you that she basically said, Look, no one’s coming to save you. You need to save yourself.

Laura:
Yes I don’t ask them for money.

Nicole:
Can we just get a round of applause on this baby?

Laura:
I haven’t had to ask her to help me with rent or anything like that. Yes, literally. Like, even though I’m not constantly doing that thing. I’m still hustling anyway, I can, oh, when I’m not working on floors, what do I actually want to do?

Sheila:
Well, primarily, as a teacher, I learned how to become more patient. I mean, you think you’re patient when you have baby one. But when you’re in a classroom, dealing with other people’s kids, you develop patience. And I developed patients over time, I became the best I could be with the children I’m teaching, and my own children, understanding and being patient with them. In the end, not pushing or making myself force a situation. In the end, you realize that it was all worth it. And it’s so clear what the end result was because I was never in control. Right? Always the situation. And being patient helped me get to that endpoint. Right, right. And when I got to that endpoint, I was like, boy, I’m so glad that you didn’t go through it with stress and anxiety, because you had patience.

Nicole:
So, so, so good. I think that all of us could benefit from a little bit more patience. Whether it’s in our business, or with our children, or with our spouses or with ourselves, you know. With any changes or things that we’re trying to go through. So, such valuable advice. And also, I love when I hear advice like that from someone who’s had success in so many different phases of life, because it shows that the things still hold true when people say, you know, grow in this area, they mean it.

Jae:
I would say one piece of advice that I’m actually learning and trying to fully embrace right now is to prioritize my passion. I was pretty much raised in a stability-first culture. There’s nothing wrong with that. But a lot of my creativity was not necessarily supported. And I’m realizing that I haven’t been operating at my fullest capacity, because I haven’t been putting those things first, like the things that really bring me joy. And so I’m shifting my mindset, and I’m trying to prioritize my passion, and I hope that other people would do the same.

Nicole:
I’m just gonna let that sit with us for a minute, y’all. I know a lot of you right now are nodding your heads and you’re saying to yourself, that just hit at the core. And it’s so true, because it’s a lesson that I think we also keep learning, you know, where we get away from what’s good, and we have to keep returning to it.

Michelle:

I would say, Be your own biggest fan. Love yourself, heal yourself and be fearless. Give it your best and don’t give up. Never give up.

Nicole:
Ah, so, so good. So I’m going to do a little pop quiz here. So your advice is be fearless. Y’all, you may not know this, but Michelle was scared to death to do this recording, nervous, shaking in her boots, okay. And if there was ever an example of someone practicing what they preach, we recorded this the first time. And she was like, you know, I think I can do a little better. I think I can give a little more. And not only do you have to be fearless to raise your hand to say you need to do it over, but you have to be fearless to give it another shot, even though you’re scared. So not only are you practicing what you preach, but you’re being a great example of exactly what you’re offering is advice here. So it’s incredible. Thank you, Michelle, thank you.

Kimberly:
One piece of advice that I would give is to listen to that inner voice within. I’m a spiritual person. So you know, I have a name for him. But it’s been so crucial to me in the last couple of years. You know, we’re so busy wanting to be successful, want to do this and do that. And that that inner voice is like, hey, it’s trying to guide us. So it slowed me down. And since I’ve been just listening and taking, you know, taking a step back. Oh, man, just more reasons why I’m sitting right here is listening to that.

Nicole:
Tell me more about that. Tell me more about that.

Kimberly:
Well, I’m a hairstylist, but I’ve been trying to transition out of it, I’ve been doing it for 26 years. And so I was like, oh, everybody’s like, Oh, you’ll be so good at this, you’ll be good at that. And I did it and it just didn’t feel right. And that brings me to my favorite episode of your podcast, okay as the toxic hustle. Because I didn’t want to do this business. I didn’t know how to change my mind. And listening to that episode. You said, It’s okay. Yeah, change your mind.

Nicole: Absolutely.

Kimberly:
You know, and so from that and listening to that inner voice, it just put me on this path to so many things.

Nicole:
You’re feeling more peace, more clarity, More comfort.

Kimberly:
Walking in my purpose.

Nicole:
Oh, I love that. I love that, y’all. I mean, if there’s ever, I think a message that we could all benefit from, it’s that we can trust ourselves, you know, and that there is something to be said to listening to what we know is true. You know, and that comes from within that says, Hey, pay attention. Maybe this isn’t for you. Or maybe this is for you, you know, don’t get distracted by the outside. Awesome. That is so so good.

Amanda:
So thank you for the way you show up in the world. I appreciate you. I am newly married. I have just been on a rediscovering of myself over this pandemic, because I thought I had it all figured out. Don’t we all. This pandemic taught me that there was so much more growth learning and patience that I needed to give myself and to just redirect my energy because I was like, kind of living out of my body? And like watching myself do thing going through the motions going on autopilot?

Nicole:
Sure, sure. Sure.

Amanda:
And so I realized that I can’t continue to do that. And the pandemic helped me like center myself and find myself because it’s been a journey, journey.

Nicole:
So let’s go ahead and drill down on that a little bit and so it sounds like journeys of self discovery are really important to you. What is the one piece of advice that you think you could really extract from this, that people could apply right away that you can be so helpful for them?

Amanda:
I think that you have to look at yourself and find a way to understand yourself, and don’t run from yourself. So you really have to put in the work, like it’s not going to magically happen. You really have to, like if it’s a mile, you’ve got to get that mile in. Because that ain’t it, that ain’t it. Well, you have to really like go hard. Yes. And I thought I was going hard. And I was going hard in my own way of going hard. But then I had to really like lock in and tap into me.

Nicole: That’s right.

Amanda:
And I don’t have to go that hard, right? I can do things in a different way that are just edifying to me, that give me the results that I need.

Nicole:

That’s so good. That’s so good. I love that. So essentially, it’s one, know that you’re in it for the journey, the only way through it is through. There’s no shortcuts but also know that you know, as you’re going through that journey, learn a little bit about that balance.

Lauren:
Mine is something that really helped me actually five years ago when I heard someone say, life doesn’t happen to you, life happens for you. And to take that mentality because I lost my son, tragically when he was 10 months old. And I was just in this place of like, I want to do better. And I felt like not like a victim, I was holding on to this guilt and all these things. And I just felt it. How do I change that for me? How can you change something that was so out of your control? For you? Yes. And so it took me on a journey of going back to my faith, and just kind of, you know, building a new life and new perspective, and how can I be of service in a new way? And I think, you know, going with that mentality that everything in your life will happen for you. The dots don’t always align. But when you look back, it all make sense. And like I hear, you know, you just need that mustard seed of faith. Yeah, when you go through something so dark can propel you and I’m just so grateful for that piece of advice that I’ve been able to move forward and share with my students and you know, just persevere because that’s, that’s what we want.

Nicole:
We just got to keep showing up, Lauren, I am feeling fired up. You make me want to go run laps right now. Like I’m not a cashier like I’m here. Do you know that actually, after I posted a picture of us together, someone sent me a message and said, Oh, that’s my son’s PE teacher. I’m not even kidding. That’s how small our community is. This big, I was special. So I gotta say, I am so fired up about what you’re doing. And not only are you a fighter, but you’re an overcomer. So I’m excited to see what God’s gonna do in your life.

Firenza:
Be in the moment and trust the process. We’re always trying to rush and look at the bigger picture. Yeah, you want to keep the bigger picture in mind. But being the moment because those things that you’re embracing in that moment are going to help you get to that bigger picture. And trust in that process. Because with that with being in a moment, trust that that moment is where God wants you to be at that particular time. That particular thing preparing you for that bigger picture of what he wants you to do. So yeah, you want to keep that bigger picture, you know, put in a wallet, something, you know, do what you got to do. But in that moment, trust the process and be in that moment with yourself with your purpose with God. Yeah.

Nicole:
Oh, I can’t think of a better place to close out. Because I mean, the truth is, that is everything, I think that all of us being here today is a great example of that. I mean, each of us was met with a moment to purchase a ticket to donate the funds to the City of Refuge, because we followed on social, right? And the question became, are you going to follow the next moment? So to let everyone who’s listening know, this all started with me just posting and saying, Hey, how about we get together and just hang out for a little bit in LA? Let’s see what happens. Then when we hung out. I was like, you know, what, how about we grab dinner? Then we all grab dinner that I was like, how about we all get on the podcast and have a good time. And I don’t know what snacks we might go swimming after I don’t know. <laughs>

Okay, but all that being said, it’s just been trusting the process and being in that moment. And knowing that wherever you’re supposed to be is where you’re supposed to be. Y’all I know that that was a totally different type of chat. But my gosh, it was good. I know that I’m always speaking into your lives and I always have something to share and something to say. But I just really hope that if you’re hearing this from your side of the mic, that you’re realizing we all have something valuable to offer to this world, our experiences, our choices, the way that we show up, it matters, and it’s all relevant. And I hope that you take all the lessons you’ve heard here and obviously apply them. But I also hope that you pick up the overall big picture, which is that you are worthy, and deserving. And you have a purpose in this world that deserves to be seen and heard.

So all that being said, I’m grateful to have finally crossed the million download mark of the Nicole Walters Podcast with your help. And I’m also grateful that you show up week after week to keep our internet friendship thriving. Friend, thank you for being here. And I’ll see you next week.

 

In this episode, we chat about:

• How we met – was it on Instagram? Through a viral video? She’s the Boss?
• What each internet bestie is up to in their lives,
• A piece of advice for YOU, and
• How you’ve played such an important role in the show reaching 1 million downloads!

 

Connect with our 10 Internet Besties:

• Victoria James on Instagram as @victoriouspopcorn and @mrsvictoriajames
• Laura Buttle on IMDb, Instagram @laurabeeee23 and YouTube
• Shelia Buttle’s Chalk Couture page
• Jae Amoah on Instagram as @JaeAmoah
• Kimberly Wallen at KimberlyWallen.com
• Jennifer Oglesby at JenniferOglesby.com
• Michelle Guillaume and Amanda Woodson at the Gulf Pacific Manor Properties website
• Lauren Olivares on Instagram as @EducationRampage
• Firenza Anderson-Philpot at FirenzaAPhilpot.com

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Learn more about what Inherit Learning Company offers HERE
• Don’t miss our last episode with Kalilah Wright of Mess in a Bottle!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

Check out the sponsors for this episode:

• 
  

  Go to FunctionofBeauty.com/NICOLE to let them know you heard about it from our show, and to get 25% off your first order.

  
  
• 
  

  Head to Waterdrop.com and use code NICOLE to get a special 15% discount.

  
  

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Hot Mess Express

We have the pleasure of hearing from Kalilah Wright, owner of Mess In A Bottle, on this episode of the podcast!

Kalilah and I chat about what it truly feels like to build a multi-million dollar businesses, and why you never reach the point where you feel like you have it figured out. Yep, I’ve felt like a hot mess express no matter what milestone I’ve crossed! We also get to celebrate the one year anniversary of Kalilah buying her first house for her son and herself.

Thank you for being here for this chat friend! Find Kalilah at MessInABottle.com and on Instagram @Messinabottle. Let me know that you listened by tagging me on Instagram @NicoleWalters. Talk to you there, friend!

Nicole:
Hey, friends, I am so excited about today. You can hear it in my voice. I know. You can hear the enthusiasm, my voice and the reason why is I am not in studio alone. Today’s chat I’m inviting someone extra to hang out with us. So whether you are sitting in the parking lot at Target, or you are throwing together dinner or in the carpool line, like we have got an extra friend who’s gonna be chatting with us today. So I am so excited because you guys know I didn’t really do the interview thing. I mean, everybody else does. I only bring people in when they’re my best good friends when I know there’s someone you need to meet. And above all else, when I know that their story and their message and their perspective is going to change your life. So today I have, hanging out with us, my dear dear friend Kalilah Wright.

Kalilah:
Hey, everyone. I’m so excited for this moment.

Nicole:
I’m so glad you’re here. I’m so so glad you’re here. Now what you guys may not know is that Kalilah is an incredible business owner. She owns the company Mess in a bottle. And it is an incredible apparel line. It is so so so amazing. I don’t even know how to explain to you guys the growth that this business has, the ingenuity, the creativity, the impact. You’ve seen her work and may not even know that you’ve seen her work because it is everywhere. And I’m just grateful she took the time to pop in. And you want to talk about what’s so amazing, besides being stylish and smart and brilliant and an impeccable businesswoman. She’s also an awesome mama, which means that we actually have, because y’all know me, her little one is in with us also so I’m gonna have Caden shout out and say hello to us real quick.

Caden:
Hello everyone!

Nicole:

There we go. And he’s awesome. He’s hanging out with us. So you might hear a little kiddo sound in the background, and we’re just gonna throw some goldfish crackers and keep it moving. Y’all know how it works.

So, all that being said, Kalilah can you tell us a little bit about your business where you started where you’re from, and then we’re actually going to get into y’all, our real life chat. You’ve heard a million of those interviews before, where people are just kind of like, what’s your strong point? What’s your struggle, we’re not doing that we’re gonna have a real conversation like we always do. You’re gonna hear things here today that you may not have heard anywhere else. And you know what, it’s all going to be valuable. So again, Kalilah, can you tell us all about you and your usual schpeel so we can get into the good stuff.

Kalilah:
So mess in a bottle, we’re an apparel company, we put messages on T shirts, and they come packaged in a reusable bottle. I started the company in 2016, shortly after the Freddie Gray O’Brien uprising in Baltimore, Maryland. So Freddie Gray an African American male he died while in police custody. And this caused a lot of like, uproar in my community. And I was like, Look, we need a voice, we need a message. And that is how mess a bottle was birthed. And so it was birthed in Baltimore, Maryland. I’m from Brooklyn, New York, born in Kingston, Jamaica, so I’m an immigrant girl. And, you know, this company, we started it with less than $500. And I’ve grown into a multi million dollar company in less than five years. So I’ve been really, you know, excited and you know, and just going through this journey, it’s been such a journey and like the last six years of, you know, having the company.

Nicole:
Oh my gosh, so you guys can’t tell or maybe you can tell I’m beaming over here. I am just grinning it up. I’m so beyond proud to be here in this moment. I’m actually now I’m tipping the scale of almost tears. I’m like trying not to cry.

Kalilah:
Don’t do it. Are makeup looks too good right now.

Nicole:
We’re not trying to have floating lashes. So just to start getting real right out of the gate. The reason why I’m so emotional about it is, you know, I’m a Baltimore girl, too, you know, we both kind of resettled there, you know, Kalilah came from New York, I came from DC. And, you know, and that’s where we kind of intersected. And we both started our businesses. And I think I was just a couple years before, you know, Kalilah, but we were both out there kind of hustling and grinding and working at the same time. And the blessing that I had was I was able to intersect with Kalilah at a time where she was seeking the knowledge that I had, you know, and she’s always been intersected with my life because she’s always got the style that I want. So it’s been a beautiful relationship, but I love this woman, she is a sister to me. And I have seen her come from that $500 to that multi million and I never, ever doubted for a moment that we’d be sitting here.

And I never doubted for a moment that this is just the beginning of where we are now and where we’re going to be. I mean it. I know it. I love it. I’m excited for this to be our first interview. I can’t wait to catch you on the couches for the TV show later. Right? Yeah.

Kalilah:
It was amazing. Because every time when I felt like, it’s Nicole, sure, cuz you used to be like, You are worthy you. And I’m like, Girl, what you’re seeing that? I don’t know. Because right now I’m feeling like I’m falling off the top of a building, and I don’t know how I’m gonna land on this cushion. And you’re like, No, you are gonna land just perfectly, you’re gonna stick the landing. And I’m, I’m always, like, amazed, because almost everything that you said, you know, everything that you’ve kind of guided me towards has happened. And it’s made sense. And that has been a, you know, like, it’s been so like pouring into someone. And just being in that position, it’s needed.

Nicole:
You are so deserving. And your gift is so real. And it’s been so easy for me to not just speaking to you, because and this guys, I think everyone could hear and benefit from this. There is one element of me just being a cheerleader. I love people. I’m always like, team, you’re great. You’re excellent. You can do it. You know, I really do believe that I’m a believer in people. But the other side of it is just math and numbers. You know what I mean? And one thing that I think we’ve always talked about is just sort of knowing your numbers in your business, and is the math mathing and letting that data help drive your decisions. And that’s just education. Like I have the knowledge, it was easy for me to give it to you because you’re humble, you’re willing, you’re a hard worker, you’re coachable. And all of those things are just a piece of cake for me, you know, because you’re like, I just need to know. And if I know that I’d like to do it a better way, right? You’re a prime example of a dream client like dream, because honestly, if someone has a trash product, I’m gonna be completely honest, you can’t save it.

Kalilah: Yeah.

Nicole:
But not only is your product exceptional, it literally is the type of thing where all it needs is more eyes. You see it, you want it, right. It’s not that complicated. It’s very easy to understand. And mathematically, it’s just about how do we scale? How do we grow? How do we do it strategically? And that part of it is, again math, you know, and so I was just excited to lend my gifts to amplify yours because you’re so deserving. So alright, praise party. You guys heard it. I love you. You’re great. You’re pretty. You’re smart. You’re wonderful. Okay, we did all that. But I just want to dive in. Typically, we follow our normal format, where we have our q&a, and then we do Don’t make yourself content, like, smash it all together. Because I got a great question in from Sharon. And I was gonna answer it myself but Kalilah was in LA. And I was like, oh, there’s no one who could speak better to this than her. Let me grab her and bring her into our chat so she can answer it with me.

So the question I got in from Sharon, is, Nicole, I am paralyzed in fear. I have been running my business for years and have the seasons where everything seems like it’s going great. And I feel comfortable, and I feel confident. And then before I know it, fear pops up again. I don’t understand what I can do to make this thing go away once and for all. You seem so confident, you seem so aware, you seem so ready for the next thing that’s coming. What is the secret to hiding and getting rid of the fear?

Kalilah:
The true secret is believing in yourself.

Nicole: [exhale]

Kalilah:
Because you’re going to have to do it with fear.

Nicole: Yes.

Kalilah:
And I think also being confident with being okay with failure. And that’s something I’m learning now later in the business with, like, don’t be afraid to fail. Like, it’s not a bad thing. You know, I think we associate failure and you feel like, if you failed, you’ve just done a terrible thing. But I think if you failed, you actually did a great thing.

Nicole:
That’s so good.

Kalilah:
Because we know that that failure is going to impact you to move forward. And I think that you have to be okay with the failure with the fear of failing. And those are the things that will give you the confidence to be like, Look, you know, if this thing happens, it’s alright, you know, like, you’re not going to and my therapist, I’m a big advocate for therapy.

Nicole:
Yes, we are. We love therapists!

Kalilah:

Ya know, my therapist has said, you know, she’s like, you’re now doing it from experience. So even if you fail, you’re not going to land on the first floor. You may just land on the sixth. So if you’re all in from the 10, you’re not going to go all the way back down to zero and also feeling like, you know, I think the confidence I have is knowing that if I fail I can pick myself back up.

Nicole:
That’s so good. So there are two key points here that I definitely want to call out. The first one is failure is an event, not a person, right? So this is something that I think we always are trying to distinguish for ourselves, we feel like if we fail, it is everything. We wrapped up so much validation and our worth in our numbers, our stats.

Kalilah:
Our business!

Nicole:
Our likes, our you know, all of that, everything. Instead of understanding that look, any failure that occurs is an isolated occurrence. It doesn’t do anything about our worth.

Kalilah:
Right, I started to think like, You’re horrible. You’re failing. I was like, No. And I was like, no, yeah. And also you’re learning, you know, I had to really tell myself, like, I am just learning how to be a business owner. Like always, parents didn’t do this. They didn’t have a million dollars in their bank account, you know, so I had to tell myself, like, don’t think that this is something new to you and to everybody else, the numbers in your account is new.

Nicole: It’s new!

Kalilah:
It seems appetizing to everyone. So you know, I’m just learning that and giving myself at least a little bit of grace.

Nicole:
Yes, grant yourself some grace. And I think that one of the things that is a great call out here is that it’s always going to be new. So a lot of us feel like there’s some magic milestone or point where suddenly we’re going to know everything or have it figured out or more awareness. But listen, I want to tell you all that while I’m very excited for it to happen, I have never been a billionaire before, but I’m sure I will figure it out.

I receive that I will make it work when the time comes. However, when that moment arrives, you better believe I’m gonna be like, Wow, this is new. You’re gonna have a billion dollars in the bank and literally be like, am I gonna keep it? Is it okay? Will it be enough? There was a comment that someone dropped in my DMs yesterday when I posted about Steve Harvey, he had a situation with his accountant where his accountant passed and hadn’t filed his taxes for seven years.

Kalilah: Wow.

Nicole:
To the tune of $22 million in back taxes, fees, whatever else and when he found out I mean, he you don’t have a choice. You just got to pay those taxes or go to jail. You know what I mean? These are the options and so, of course he’s you know, I’m gonna pay these taxes. Well, fast forward the person in my DMs, what they took away from that message was, oh, must be nice to be so wealthy that you don’t even worry about 22 million. Okay, so I said to her, first of all, I was like, I hear you on that perspective and that’s what it looks like when you don’t have the 22 million dollars.

Kalilah:
But no one even wants to give away anything, especially with the fees and things you could have avoided. $22 mil could have been 22,000. But who knows?

Nicole:
And also when you work as an entrepreneur, look, Steve Harvey did not wake up with 22 million in the bank. He did not wake up. He started about a math into some he feels it. Yeah, every dollar that goes out still. So I imagine that even as a billionaire, you know, you lose 100 million on something you feel that 100 million. Sure, you know, and so it’s, um, you know, I’m not trying to do the boohoo, you know, privilege problems. Obviously, it’s a lot less of an impact that when you lose $100, and you can’t pay a light bill, like, make no mistake, we both grew up with nothing. Children of immigrants, we understand that. But it doesn’t change the fact that it doesn’t matter how hard you work or how much you attain, you will be fearful.

Kalilah:
It’s still a hit. You will feel that, yeah.

Nicole:
You will still have a connection to it. And that’s why you can’t be afraid to start, right. I think that so many of us think we’re not going to weather that storm when something negative happens that we’re just like, I’m just gonna avoid it altogether.

Kalilah:
I just had a girlfriend. Um, it’s so ironic. And so full circle right now. And I just told someone in my DMs, I’m happy, I was able to see this moment, because I didn’t know that this moment could be here, you know, and I always thought about giving up.

Nicole:

I think about giving up every day, I thought about giving up this morning. I was like, listen, I was like, do I want to do LA traffic? Why? How bad do I need a podcast? You know, but I’m also like my friends, so I’m coming through.

Kalilah:
My girlfriend, she you know, she said to me recently on the phone, she’s like, I’m happy you didn’t listen to me. Because she was like, you know, I was one of the naysayers and not that she didn’t believe in me, but she was just like, are you really gonna leave your job? Is this really what you’re gonna do? And she’s like, look at where you are. Now she’s like, imagine if you didn’t take that jump. And if you and now she’s contemplating leaving her full time job, she’s worked out for 15 years, you know, thinking about and she’s looking at me for advice and trying to figure out how do I get past the fear? And that was the thing. I’ve always like listened to my gut. I’ve always listened to like, you know, just knowing that there was I’ve always felt like, there was this thing pulling at me where I’m like, There’s bigger, there’s something that I should be going towards. And I was just like, where I’m at is stifling me.

Nicole: Sure.

Kalilah:
And I was just like, it just doesn’t feel right.

Nicole:
Where were you? What were you doing before?

Kalilah:
I was an architect and designer for a major retail company. I loved it, it felt like oh, my gosh, I’m working. I’m doing six figures. And it felt like, you know, this was the stability that I needed.

Nicole:
Well, that’s what we think it is. That’s what we think, but there’s no such thing as stability.

Kalilah: None.

Nicole:
In entrepreneurship or your nine to five.

Kalilah:
None. And you know, I just didn’t feel complete. And I still even though I made money, I had student loans. I was a single mom, I was still trying to make ends meet. And I was just like, this can’t be it. Sure. So I’m like, I just have to rely on what I know. And what this thing that’s pulling, you know, pulling me towards it. And I’m like, I have to just try. And you know, and I always tell people, I’m like, start even if it’s not perfect.

Nicole:
Yes start messy.

Kalilah:
Yeah, like start messy. You gotta you know, make something out of the mess and make the message. And you know, I encourage everyone all the time, because you don’t know the amazingness that’s around the corner.

Nicole:
Yes, this is so good. The other thing that I’m pulling out here is we all have our own fear. So it sounds like you know, people will try to lend their fear to you. I know, I don’t need anyone’s extra, you know, so you have people who will literally pick up the phone. It’s funny because I have a similar story. Where and I don’t think I’ve ever shared this on the podcast, I only shared it with friends where I was in the natural hair space when I first started, which for those you guys aren’t familiar, it’s where black women or women of color, curly haired women will cut their hair off if it’s been heat treated, or chemically treated, and then document kind of growing it back. That journey of getting back to your natural textures. And so I was doing that online, you know, almost a decade ago now. So I don’t even know how that math is. I mean, I’m 25, that does not add up to me, but whatever. So because, you know, that’s where I started. And I was part of several communities online and in person, you know, where we’d have these events are great things, and actually, I think used to come to those events and sell at those events and all that. And I will never forget when I started making the shift to opening up my own consulting company, how many people were uncomfortable with it. And I say uncomfortable with it, meaning they vocalize like, you know, why are you doing what you’re doing? And there’s no way she’s making the money she’s claiming to make and there’s no way that her business is gonna be successful. And she’s too boisterous about, you know, earning money and the way to do it and all those things and I just remember, at the time, feeling like garbage. I felt…

Kalilah:
Because they’re passing on how they feel about themselves to you! Oh my god. I had the same revelation and I understood it. Even with travel. Like my friends used to be like, Well, why are you going to Africa? Why are you going to these islands? And like, you know, who do you think you are?

Nicole: Yep.

Kalilah:
And I started to ask myself, who am I? What do I do? Is it too much?

Nicole:
Which is nuts because people are asking you that from home.

Kalilah:
Sitting on their couch, hating the life that they have…

Nicole:
Asking you what you’re doing going someplace. It was crazy. And when that happened to me, I mean, it’s already fearful enough starting a business. So for anyone who’s listening and saying to themselves, I don’t know if I should do it because no one supports me. Everyone around me has something to say, please recognize that if someone is speaking out on your destination, but they don’t even know how you want to get there. They can’t dictate what path and steps you’re supposed to take. They’ve never been there before. They don’t know where you’re going. So be very careful. Consider the source of the message being shared with you.

Kalilah:
Definitely. And your journey is not their journey.

Nicole:
Listen our journeys aren’t even. We’re both multimillionaires and yet such different journeys, so I have not a lick of style. I buy off the mannequin. I don’t know what I’m doing.

Kalilah:
I like what you’re stylist is doing!

Nicole:
Listen, stylist. Okay, that’s what I do is I delegate, oh, when I don’t know how to do it. Business tip, little slide, the little tips in here that were just sliding in there. But it’s true. And I saw, you know, wrapping up that previous story just like you, maybe three to five years in, I had one person in particular who fixed their face to and this is me using my southern Sass right now fix their face to pick up their phone to call me and say your business is going to fail. You’re talking about money too much. I have more followers than you. How dare you think you make that much money? Like none of this is true. I know you’re a fraud, fixe face to pick up the phone and say these words to me. I’m not kidding. When I say I was in tears. I was in tears afterwards because I thought this person was my friend. And five years later calls me up and is like, I just want to let you know, that was my own stuff. I’m branching into entrepreneurship now. I had a scarcity mindset versus an abundance mindset. I’ve learned what those things mean now, and I’m calling to apologize.

Kalilah:
But what’s sad about that is just the fact that they don’t know how much they could have broken your spirit.

Nicole:
Broken my spirit.

Kalilah:
That’s how I felt with my friend. I’m like, it’s great that you’re realizing this now, I was like, but you literally was passing on so much fear and doubt for me where I’m like, should I not do this? Does this not make sense?

Nicole:
You’re echoing the worst fears that I had in my mind. So I mean, for those you guys were listening on both sides, you know, there’s nothing wrong with supporting your friend, but there’s certain ways to do it. You know, if you have concerns, ask them questions about their plan. Say, so what’s your strategy for this? Or maybe you want to look into this? All those things are far more valuable than sitting there saying that’s not going to work. Why would you do that? Are you fearful? Don’t echo the worst parts of them uplift the best parts of them. We all have an opportunity to dictate how we want to show up in someone’s life. You don’t want to be a villain in their story because make no mistake I got a book deal now. Okay, so understand that between the book deal and the podcast Some of y’all who are listening right now know very well who you’re going to be in that story. The person who made that whole situation, she knows she’s this person. Yeah, it does not feel good to be this person and have to listen to this story. You don’t want to be you know, you don’t want to be that. So, so so good.

Now, the next thing I want to touch on here, which I think is pretty big is so we’ve both crossed certain milestones. I remember how hard it was to get to that first million dollars. I remember how hard it was to get to that second and third million dollars and so on and so forth. Eight figures, hard. You know I don’t even know what nine figures is like yet, but when I do I imagine it’s gonna be like blood sweat and tears you know? All that being said, did you ever hit a financial milestone where you suddenly were like, I am good, I am comfortable, there is ease, I have no worries, I can do and buy and show up any way I want to and it’ll be totally fine.

Kalilah:
No, I’m scared every single day. No, no, no. Let me get some more in the bank. Also I think the biggest thing especially you being more in the financial space, I come from a design world. I just know colors and pretty things. I don’t know dollar signs and coins. Okay!

Nicole:
Well what did you do then? Because so many people say well I don’t know that stuff so I can’t start?

Kalilah:
I have to learn it and I also give myself every day I’m like start over, budget again. Try again, you know go back to it, you know and get resources. Get help. There’s people that you can ask.

Friends who you know are trustworthy people who are like, I just want to help someone budget their money and I want to support you, you know. Find those good people, those good groups, those good business, you know, resources that can really support you. So I mean, I remember when my business made the first $1 million dollars. I remember you know, not too long ago and it was actually my house anniversary yesterday.

Nicole:
Omgsh, are you serious?

Kalilah:
One year I closed on my house.

Nicole:
That is such a big deal!

Kalilah: I know!

Nicole:
You are going to make me cry. I’m not going to make it through this podcast without crying.

Kalilah:
One year and I did a whole little YouTube. I was trying to upload it now so I can show it to you. Like I’m watching the video, and I even put like my old space and BABY.

Nicole:
Let’s get real right now. So let me explain, friends, so you can understand why I’m having this moment. One of the things, I am really trying not to get too choked up and cry about this because one of the first things you said to me, when we met, was how important it was for you to have a safe home for you and your son. And this is so meaningful to me because growing up as a first generation, I remember sleeping on a couch while I was 12. You know, in a one bedroom apartment and just not having enough. And you know, I’ve been to Ghana, I lived in and went to school in Ghana for over a year, you know, so I know what it’s like to truly have nothing. And I also recognize what it means to have a house. My goal growing up was I want a house with stairs inside. That was the goal, because I couldn’t imagine people living on two levels, you know, and when you came to me and you said look like I’m working hard day in and day out, but I’m hustling because it’s about me having a home that is safe for my son. I don’t want gunshots coming through the window. I don’t want to worry about dealers outside, I want to make sure that everything is good and great. The idea that we are now just five years later, first of all, look at God. Wow. Just five years later, that we are sitting here celebrating the one year because I also remember the fear going into signing…

Kalilah:

And I’ve been paying my mortgage on time, in full. Okay. And early!

Nicole:
And it’s yours and you did it. Do you love your home?

Kalilah: Love, love!

Nicole:
Without compromise.

Kalilah: Love!

Nicole:
Now granted, y’all don’t know how many houses she sent me. And I was like, not this one.

Kalilah:
Try again. I would demo this, she’s like, then you just need to build a whole new house.

Nicole:
If we’re moving walls, you need a different house. Like yes, but congratulations.

Kalilah:
I am saying I can’t believe like, it’s been one year since I signed. And the fact is, I went into that as a single mom, my sole income, entrepreneurship, you know, pay stubs, like it was the fact that I was able to and I was watching my video kind of choked up because and I’m happy I like documented it because literally, you know. I wanted to only stay in the space that I was in for one year. And I remember Nicole said, hold on, don’t do it. And I was like, maybe I could rent a space, go to a condo, do this. And she’s like, stay put, stick it out. And I remember the last couple of months, we had a rodent infestation. It was uh, the lights went out. It was just like, I was like, girl, get out of there. And I just was like, All right, let me hold on, you know, and that’s where again, the fear, and you have to just hold on through a storm, you just don’t and you know, and be patient. And that’s what I did. And I like love my house. And it’s been one year and I’m like, it’s just been, it was a grateful experience. Great process. And it was smooth.

Nicole:
You’re so deserving. I mean, and I think this is something that calls out a really big thing that I think, you know, we could probably wrap up on this, you know, is that life and business and everything. It’s all hard. Friends, it’s hard. The question is, what hard do you want to choose? Do you want to choose the hard of staying in your nine to five every day? And determining whether or not that’s right for you? Do you want to choose the hard of staying in the difficult home that you know is rodent infested? And difficult, but you know that there’s a means to an end? So that hard is legitimate and fruitful and worthy? It’s a suffering that makes sense, you know, for a short amount of time? Or do you want to choose the hard of trying?

Kalilah: Right.

Nicole:
You know, of leaning in? And on that note Kalilah, is there a hard that you think that you’re waiting to try or that you’re a little nervous about that maybe we can speak into existence and then come back a year later and talk about how we’ve done. What big dream is on your heart?

Kalilah:
Right now I’m ready to buy more homes. I’m ready to expand my business the way, I’m ready to move out of the CEO seat. Or like be the CEO that is not the CEO and COO and the marketing person.

Nicole: Yes.

Kalilah:
That part of, so maybe I’ll still be a CEO and a driver, but I just don’t want to, you know, be taken on the whole plane. Oh, so I think that is that’s the biggest thing right now is just being able to transition my business that way and be comfortable with, you know, all the pieces the next step, the next step of me and being able to, you know, explore that and being okay with it.

Nicole:
I love it. So it sounds like you want to choose the hard of giving up a little bit of the reins, so that you can use your talents and your gifts in other ways.

Kalilah:
Yeah, I’m ready!

Nicole:
Look, I’m excited for you. But either way, it’s a new type of hard and I really hope that everyone who is listening today and spending this time with us understands that everything in front of you is hard. So let’s just be intentional about the gift to choose which one we’re going to take. And, and I hope this also answers your question, Sharon, and this expanded q&a that we had here today with Kalilah, you know about it being difficult every single day and knowing that it’s still worthy work. And I’m so so grateful that we had this time together. Kalilah, gosh, we’re gonna get lunch after this. I can talk to you for days. But where can people find out more about your work and they grab your shirts? Everyone you need one of these. Where can they get your stuff and learn more about you?

Kalilah:
We are on Messinabottle.com. You can visit us on Instagram, YouTube, all that good stuff.

Nicole:
I love it. And y’all, she’s been in Target. She’s been in stores. She’s been in your favorite movies. Her celebrities wear her, I think wasn’t it Serena Williams. She was wearing your stuff.

Kalilah:
Go get some mess.

Nicole:
It’s a good mess. We’re all a mess. So thank you so much for being here. You mean the world to me and I love you so much. Y’all keep listening. We have so many good things, go back, take notes. This was a good one. And I’ll chat with you next week.

 

In this episode, Kalilah and chat about:

• What it truly feels like to build a multi-million dollar businesses,
• Why you never reach the point where you feel like you have it figured out,
• How we’ve felt like a hot mess express no matter what milestone we’ve crossed, and
• The one year anniversary of Kalilah buying her first house for her son and herself!

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Find Kalilah and order a shirt at MessInABottle.com!
• Connect with Kalilah on Instagram @Messinabottle
• Watch the video of Kalilah celebrating 1 year of owning her house HERE!
• Send me a DM on Facebook and Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss our last episode with the MidTiny, Kris Walters, where we talked about raising adults!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Raising Adults

Friends, get ready for a real conversation with the MidTiny (aka Kris) on what kids her age are REALLY looking for from their parents and how us parents can be confident in raising adults.

The topic we cover is so valuable because it’s actually the opposite of what we’re led to believe as parents. Before we dive into that, I’m answering a question from the DMs about when kids should start dating. My oh my, Kris’ answer may shock you like it shocked me!

Ya’ll know I love having my kids on the show and this time was no different! I hope you enjoy the Krissy update plus the wisdom she shares with us.

Let me know what resonated with you by tagging me on Instagram @NicoleWalters. Thank you for being here for this chat friend!

Nicole:
Hey, friend, so you can probably hear it in my voice today. I am so excited about today’s chat and the reason why is because I am not solo. I have a guest here that you are going to love. And how do I know that? Because I love her. Our guest today is my sweet middle baby, the MidTiny, Kris!

Hey, you. I’m so glad you’re here today.

Kris:
Thank you for having me!

Nicole:
Well I didn’t have you, have you. Like not physically, my body’s still right and tight and sweet and snatched. But you know, I had you in terms of on the podcast and in the future. I love you. I’m so glad you’re here.

Kris: Thanks.

Nicole:
Y’all, this is going to be the best chat ever, because it’s gonna be nothing but me making her cringe and you guys will feel the pain. No, y’all, I’m so glad she’s here because we are actually going to dive into some real topics. And we’re going to talk about a couple things.

So the first thing we’re going to talk about is just an update. So if you’re new around here, and you don’t know about them in tiny, and you don’t know about her amazing, incredible life and story, we’re going to touch base on that you can just get caught up, I’m so proud of my babies, that I’m always trying to give them an opportunity to share. But mostly because they are absolutely inspirational. I mean, I am motivated, moved, and I admire them so much. So it’s like an honor, you know, for you guys to get to meet them.

And then after that, we’re gonna dive into talking about a really important topic. So whether you’re a mom or an aunt or a sister, it’s really important that you guys know this and know this may be going on with the kids around you so that you’re able to help them and lean in and be a support and help drive their future in a positive way. And it was something that we’ve talked about, and we’ve gone over and we’ve grown in, and we just thought that it’d be great to take that knowledge to you too.

So it’s gonna be a great one, we’re gonna kick off with “Slide into my DMs” because this topic came in and I was like, I’m not going to answer this myself, I am absolutely going to talk to the person who I think knows the most. So you don’t know about this, Kris, because you don’t listen to my content.

Kris:
Nope. I support from a distance.

Nicole:
You support from a distance. So you support it because my content pays your bills.

Kris:
Yeah. And I support from up close too because I give you hugs.

Nicole:
That is true. I receive. You’re like, how’s that going? I see you did things.

Kris:
I send you memes. Support.

Nicole:
You’re right, I receive it. So just to let you know, and for anyone who’s listening who may not have, you know, was just tuning in for the first time or getting caught up. Slide into your DMs is where we answer your question. So if you ever have any questions for me, you can actually look in our show notes and click on the message function and leave me a voicemail we would love to hear from you. Or you can actually slide into my DMs on Instagram, Twitter, anywhere you see at Nicole Walters. Just slide into my DMs and send me a question.

So this week’s question comes from Brielle and Brielle wanted to know she’s got kids and they are in their teens. So she’s got a 13 year old, a 14 year old, a 17 year old and an 18 year old and she wants to know when is a good time to start letting them date and have those dating conversations. So I’ve got my thoughts. You know, I have thoughts. What do you think, Kris? When is a good time to date? Feel free to lean on your own experiences? Please?

Kris:
I’d say like, 13, 14 is a good age.

Nicole:
Y’all can’t see my face right now. But I am having feels. The other reason I’m having feels is we have another guest here in the room with us and it is the Puffin, my tiny one, who is 10 years old. And she can probably holler, we can hear on the mic holler say hi, everyone.

Puffin: Hellooo.

Nicole:
You see that, she’s here. And so you just said in front of your tiny sister. This little itty bitty one, that in three years? You think she can start dating?

Kris:
I don’t think it would be great. But I know it’s gonna happen.

Nicole:
Oh, Lord, I’ve done wrong. When you think you are doing it, right.

Kris:
It was good. It was good.

Nicole:
I need someone to come save me. I cannot. So on today I have a question. What is today’s date? The ninth? The ninth of June? Yeah. So today on today, June 9 2022. What has happened? You probably know. Oh, you have killed me. You have taken your mother’s life and you have said it doesn’t matter.

Kris:
No, it matters. 13, just because, okay, so pre-adoption.

Nicole:
Okay. Flashback. Flashback.

Kris:
So we’re going to talk about before the war. The before times, yeah.

Nicole:

The before times. For those you guys listening, I am an adoptive mother. I have three littles ages soon to be 11, 20 and 23. So I’ve been a mom for eight years. And this is what we refer to when we say the before times.

Kris:
In the before times, as you know, I had my first boyfriend, Matthew.

Nicole:
Yes, I remember that, we’re not name dropping.

Kris:
Oh cut that!

Nicole:
We’re not cutting. We’re not cutting nothing. Okay. Do you really want to cut?

Kris:
No, no, leave it in there.

Nicole:
[Laughing] Okay. So Matt, I just want to let you know you missed out. And I’m just kidding. Go ahead. So Matthew…

Kris:
Yeah, at age, I think it was like 12. And it was just like, Oh my God. We’re like, besties, but like, you want to kiss? But then it’s like, not really, but sometimes.

Nicole: Wow.

Kris:
Not as much like super like lovey dovey-ness because like, you guys are children calm down.

Nicole: Sure. Sure.

Kris:
Just like, Oh, this is someone that I like spending time with so if feelings grow, like outside of a friendship…

Nicole:
Right. So what you’re saying and I think this should be could be clarified for Brielle, and for any of the you know, people who are listening that basically, you’re saying that that interest in sort of having some sort of boyfriend, whatever, really starts at around that 12, 13 age mark, and then that kind of may lead into having a boyfriend or dating. Yeah, at a later point.

Kris:
Yes. Okay.

Nicole:
So I think that it might be at this point. I don’t know. Is anyone else hot? This is what parenting is like, Yeah, this is what it is. No, I think that I agree with you that it’s important. And it sounds like what you’re saying is parents need to be ready to acknowledge that these thoughts, these feelings, these ideas are going to start occurring around that age because they’re officially teens. You know, they’re not preteens anymore. We’re 13. It’s real. But that we also need to hold space for whatever our rules are, or whatever ideas are and having those conversations because dating may start occurring soon thereafter.

So okay, so I have to clear it up, I guess for Brielle and for me as well, what you’re saying is, yeah, they might like boys, but when is really the right time for them to start going out?

Kris:
Like going out?

Nicole:
See, so also y’all parents note that, you always want to clarify with your kids what they mean, because it’s true, though, right? Like stuff like hooking up. Yeah, hooking up has 15 definitions.

Kris: Yeah,

Nicole:
You know what I mean? So it’s like, you want to be clear on what it means. So dating for you means?

Kris:
It kind of varies depending on what it is.

Nicole:
So you’re saying if you’re like 12 to 14 dating is just, I like a boy.

Kris:
Yeah, it’s just I choose a boy to pay attention to.

Nicole:

Yeah, got it. 14 too 17 is like, Oh, I like a boy but we’re not going anywhere but maybe in school we might hold hands more, it might be more of a thing.

Kris:
Yeah. Or like small dates like, oh, you know, we’re gonna go get ice cream.

Nicole:
Like meet me at the park. Yeah, that type of energy. And then 17 to 20 is like…

Kris:
Okay, go outside.

Nicole:
Okay, like we go to the movies. We’re doing that. Okay, so there is a range, you know, of kind of like what makes sense. So, it’s great to clarify that and I think that may even answer your question Brielle, but for me, you know, as the child of African immigrants, as a very traditional person, dating really had to do with calendars. You know what I mean? It’s a, we, you know, go down to the local supply store and we pick out a calendar, we write a date on it.

So that’s what I think dating is. And y’all are out here playing games with my spirit. Okay. Oh, stressed. Okay. I’m stressed.

Kris:
I guess that’s where the word comes from.

Nicole:
Oh, my goodness. I cannot I cannot do this one. No kidding. No, it’s fine. No, so it’s the truth. And so when did you start dating?

Kris: 12?

Nicole:
Okay. In the before times, I meant like, when did you start going out for dates?

Kris:
Oh, like going out? Yeah. Probably like 17. Yeah. Like, yeah, like, my, like, sophomore, junior year of high school is when it’s like, oh, we’re gonna go and like, go ice skating and then see a movie? Or get ice cream?

Nicole:

Right. And so one of the things I think is worth noting is that was that was an after time was that was with us. And before you started dating, what did it look like in terms of sort of rules, expectations, you know, communication supervision, like what sort of things were in place?

Kris:
It was like, you would take me to the place that we decided to go to. And it’s like, you’d be in the building, but not like up under us. Because it’s creepy. It is creepy. Yeah. But it’s like, oh, we’re going to see a movie. Okay, I’m gonna go see the movie, like next to the theater that you guys right? And then we’ll all meet back around this later. Yeah. Or if you want to go to the mall, then after the movie, we could all go to the mall. And I’ll just like, let you guys walk around for a little bit. But if it’s dark outside, no.

Nicole:
No, exactly. Right. So like, it’s giving them room to explore and know that you know, mom’s still close, if you need anything. So. So I think that answers the question. I thought that was great. And, of course, I think more than anything, it’s important that we all recognize that everybody’s kid is different. You know, and it’s really important to have a conversation with your kid, a conversation with your partner, especially if you aren’t like a single mom, you know, to make sure you guys are on the same page, conversation with any therapist that may be in the room because you know, kids mature at different ages, and their needs are different. And I don’t know about you, Kris, but I feel like this world is maturing kids at a different age. So you know, what may have been 12, 13 for us is getting earlier and earlier. So it’s important to have those conversations.

Kris: Yeah.

Nicole:
Oh, you look a little worried yourself. You’re in a place you’re like, oh my gosh.

Kris:
I was just thinking about Ally. I was like, oh my god, I’m gonna be taking her on dates.

Nicole:
I mean, if you want to take her on dates.

Kris:
Oh, no, I’m gonna be there. Wow. Wow, I’m going to be there.

Nicole:
It’s so funny, because you don’t understand how I feel how I’m like, No, you can’t do stuff. You’re my little baby. But with your little sister, you’re like, oh, no, like I’m gonna be…

Kris:
Because it’s different. It’s different.

Nicole:
See, I love that though. I love that. I love that you guys are close. So Brielle, thanks for sending in the question. I hope that answers it. And more than anything, no matter what you decide, as long as you and your kiddo are on the same page, things are gonna go great.

So y’all we normally do “Don’t make yourself content” where we will pull from pop culture and we will chat that through and kind of figure out how to apply that info to our own lives, but today because I’m so excited to have Kris here in studio, I really want you guys to get to know her better before we dive into our topic today, which is so so good.

So, Kris, tell people about yourself. How old are you? And like, are you in school? Like, tell us a little bit about you.

Kris:
I recently turned 20 years old which is super exciting. I am, would it be a rising sophomore? No rising junior?

Nicole:
You’re basically a junior. I mean, the sophomore year is done, so yeah. It’s wild. How does it feel? Does it feel weird to you?

Kris:
Yeah. Feels weird. Like, you know the thing at the bottom of emails. Yeah. Where it’s like you’re like, oh, you know, you’re like, This is my name. Yeah. You’re like updating it? Yeah, it was like Junior. Oh my gosh, I feel old.

You feel old? Just a little. I remember when he was a wee little baby with braces. Okay. All right. See? See. See this. I feel old.

Kris:
I’m bald.

Nicole:
You are bald. That’s true.

Kris:
By choice!

Nicole:
Yes, by choice.

Kris:
Also, I am a cancer survivor, which is pretty cool. But also super hard and sometimes sad. But yeah, it’s okay.

Nicole:
It is okay. Yeah. So what you may not know is that Krissy is a survivor of stage four Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. A couple of years ago, she was diagnosed and she tackled it and crushed it. And we haven’t had any recurrence. And we thank God for that. And she is out in this world living her best and brightest. So you don’t hear a lot about survivors. You know, they don’t get the walks as much, you know, they don’t get the fundraisers, but they’re out there. And if that is something you’re struggling with, or someone close to you is struggling with have hope because it is possible to have healing. So um, so there’s that, you’re a cancer survivor, which is just one of the many things that’s cool about you.

And do you have a boyfriend? Or are you single right now or…

Kris:
You know, you know!

Nicole:
I’m just asking because you’re just gorgeous. I just know it’s gonna I just want to keep to save my DMs. I just want to say my DMs because all the mamas listening right now are like, well, you know, I’d love to set her up with my son. And so just help me out here.

Kris:
Yes, I currently have a boyfriend.

Nicole:
Oh, you do?

Kris:
He’s very nice.

Nicole: Oh, is he?

Kris:
Yes. Very sweet.

Nicole:
Is he? Yes. Okay. We should have him on the podcast. Maybe? Depending? Depending, why I wouldn’t. I would love to have a sit down with him.

Kris:
We’re very private people. Not really, haha.

Nicole:
I would love to have him on the podcast. We should definitely set something up. Do you think it’s too soon? Or?

Kris:
It feels too soon, but only like, numerically.

Nicole:
Oh, you mean you feel good about it emotionally, but just date and time wise?

Kris:
Yeah. It’s like it’s too soon.

Nicole:
Yeah, you like him? I’ll spare you. I’ll spare you. But yeah, this is like your first like, kind of realish one.

Kris: Yeah.

Nicole:
Nice. Nice. Everyone’s happy for you all the internet aunties. Everyone listening right now is like, Oh, we love it. Oh, we love it. I have met him and he is Mommy-approved. He’s a good one. So very excited about that for you. Congrats. Congrats. We’re excited for you. Because Lord knows my dating life’s a hot mess. So find me one, Lord, if you can do it for her, you can do it for me.

All that said, Great. And happy to have you here. And I know that everyone loves you. Also, you are an entrepreneur. You have your own business. So can you tell us a little bit about that?

Kris:
I sell head wraps online. It started out because it was a product that I used when I had cancer. And it was like, more comfortable for me to wear that or like, it just made me feel good. Yeah. And like, that’s just how I chose to represent myself in the moment.

Nicole:
Sure. Yeah, you were always I mean, you’re always comfortable being bald. Yeah. You already cut your hair before.

Kris:

Yeah, yeah. And that kept me warm.

Nicole:
Yeah. You were very cold. You were also very shivery. So it was like the right thing. So you started Summer Arrow, right?

Kris:
And it’s not only for like cancer patients or survivors.

Nicole:
I wear them. They look good. I wear them regularly.

Kris:
Yeah, it’s just fashion. And it’s just something that I choose to wear. And I think a lot of other people also like wearing them.

Nicole:
That’s true. So she is being modest, y’all. She opened up this business about a year ago during the summer. As legit a side hustle. It was like hey, it’s summer, let me get up a couple products to see if I can start an online business and she crossed six figures within a couple of months. So she’s being modest but she is one heck of a business owner. And I like to say she takes after her mama, you know, but it’s her work ethic. I mean, she is packaging, marketing, writing emails, handling her ship station, her bank accounts. I mean, you truly do everything yourself and I’m so proud of you. You’re amazing. Okay, so all that said, I’m so glad people have a chance to know you. I am ready to jump into our topic. So let’s get going.

Kris: Okay.

Nicole:
So y’all, this is something that I brought up a couple of times, whether it was on live or on social. And every time I bring it up, people are always saying to me, “Oh, my goodness, Nicole, I never knew this. But it is something I am going to address with my kiddos.” And I don’t want to take credit for it because it’s honestly something that came up from conversations I’ve had with my own daughter, Kris. And I can’t think of a better thing, or a better place to bring up this topic of how important it is that you like your children and not just love them.

Kris: Yes.

Nicole:
Oh, Kris, I know. It’s like, this is a biggie. And I first want to kind of put it into context of how this came up with us, basically, what you were telling me was that for in our home, you just come in, you know, throw out your bags, we started talking about whatever the thing is, but you’re saying that with your friends, it’s they come in, they go to their corner, and they may not talk to their parents.

So I asked you, why on earth are these kids not talking to their parents? Like, why wouldn’t they?

Kris:
Yeah. And my answer was because the parents and also the children, there’s a mutual love for each other and respect sometimes…

Nicole:
Sometimes, like, let’s keep it real. Maury was a show for a reason. Let’s keep it all the way real.

Kris:
But like, there wasn’t an understanding and like, just like for your child, and their personality. Like your child isn’t someone that you just hang out with, like, the way you would hang out with one of your, like, older friends?

Nicole: Sure, sure.

Kris:
But for us it is. And it’s like, oh, we’ll just sit on the couch and hang out.

Nicole:
Yeah, I mean, this the way she’s saying it now is how she said it to me then just kind of in a matter of fact way. But I know that for you know, Mama’s sisters, aunties cousins out there. That’s a gut punch. I mean, the idea that our kids could think in the quiet moments when they’re by themselves that we surely love them, but that we don’t like them. Like I even saying, it makes me move to tears, like the idea that you would ever think I don’t like you is crazy. You don’t I mean, it’s something that I actually say regularly where I’m like, I’m so lucky, because I have the best kids. Like, I don’t just love my kids. Like all of them. I actually liked them. Like, they’re people that I would choose to just hang out with if I was not related to them, you know, I like being around them. So you’re telling me that most parents aren’t communicating that vibe to their kids?

Kris:
Yeah. And even like, even when my friends like they told me like, oh, yeah, I’m gonna hang out with my mom tonight. But it would be like something like scheduled. It’s like, oh, we’re doing a family movie night.

Nicole:

Oh, it’s just like, mandatory fun.

Kris:
And it’s just like, it kind of worsens it.

Nicole:
Sure, no, I can hear that. Oh, you only want to hang out with me under these certain conditions? Oh, on their terms. Yeah. So again, that’s a like thing. It’s saying, I don’t want to necessarily, maybe, this is a better way to describe it, you can tell me from right or wrong. It sounds like what a lot of you and your friends I just say this to say that, like we’re talking about the age range of your friends or like what, like 18 to 22 that range, you know, where I think it gets a little tougher with parenting because you are more independent. It’s optional, but you’re definitely stepping into that adulthood, you know, and that relationship is a little different. But it sounds like what you’re saying is a lot of your friends don’t feel like your parent, their parents are interested in them. Like they’re not interested in what they’re doing.

Kris:
Yeah. And if it is, like, some of my friends, like their parents are like, it’s like interest. But like, on a parental level.

Nicole:
Okay, so let’s dive into that more.

Kris:
Oh, yeah, I care what sports you’re playing. I care, like, what your grades are like, and who you’re hanging out with, but only out of like, concern of your well being in, like, concern of like, Oh, are you enjoying life right now? Like, are you happy?

Nicole:
I think that the things you’re saying seem pretty, like, obvious to you. But I think for a lot of people listening this is like a really big lightbulb moment. Yeah. Because I gotta tell you as a parent, we just think that you guys are focused on your own thing and you don’t want us in your business you know, or that you are maybe like we don’t get tick tock or we don’t get you know, whatever cool thing young folk, you know, you’re taking in, you’re talking right? Yep. And and you happen, but if you don’t like whatever it is that you’re interested in your K Poppers, you know.

Whatever those things are, so it’s like we know, we’re not trying to keep up. We’re like, Oh, you guys just want to kind of do your cool thing. So here we are thinking that while we’re kind of busy about our parenting life, like our job is just worry about the checklist. We want to keep you safe. The world is fearful to us. We want to make sure you’re good mentally, but I know that for me, I’m interested in y’all because I just like your stuff. I’m like, tell me the tea who’s dating who like what do you have going on? I like that outfit. Where’d you get that you know, maybe I’m nosy and weird. I guess I did. And maybe because I’m younger.

Kris:
Yes. I was gonna say like the age difference…

Nicole:
Yeah like five years. Yeah, like a huge difference.

Kris:
Don’t, wait.

Nicole:
Yeah, it’s just the fact that I’m only five years older than you.

Kris:
As an accounting major that isn’t the math.

Nicole:
That is not the, look, nobody asked you. I did not pay you to go to school to do that type of math. Okay, ma’am. Okay, the math is not mathing on that. No, but for real I can understand what you’re saying though. It’s that energy of No, I just want to know like, What’s your favorite food? We didn’t want to do this. And so yeah, I want to tell you and I think you’ll remember one of the first things you ever said to me that made me realize I needed to be intentional about this as a parent was when we first got, like full time custody of you. And we were all living together in the same house in Maryland. And I think you were in I want to say ninth grade, or maybe it’ll maybe like early 10th. And I asked you because I asked you guys this often. I don’t know if I ask you as much anymore. But how am I doing as a mom?

Kris:
Yeah, you don’t anymore.

Nicole:
I probably should ask you more. Maybe I’m not trying to hear, like it’s okay.

Kris:
The answer is it’s okay.

Nicole:
That so? Oh, boy.

Kris:
It’s good. No, it’s fine. You’re doing good.

Nicole:
I’m trying my best.

Kris:
It’s a level 10 out of 10.

Nicole:
Oh, thank God. So I used to ask you all the time, like, how am I doing as a mom? Is there anything I can work on? You know, do you have any like feedback, you know, and, and I’ll never forget, when you told me in ninth grade, you were like, Yeah, you know, whenever I first come in from school, you start asking me kind of, what do I have as homework? And can you do this? And then I would kind of like drill into you the list of tasks. And then the first thing you said to me was, it’d be cool if you asked me how my day was, and like, listened. And I was like, Oh, my.

Kris:
Gosh is that how I asked? That sounds mean.

Nicole:
No it wasn’t mean at all. I mean, I asked you the question and gave me the feedback. And it’s, it’s informed how I’ve parented you since then because ever since that moment, I remember thinking to myself, is that really what I do? You know, because, one, it doesn’t have to be a business because I do care about her day. And how do I know if I’m not circling back to ask about her day? Yeah. And then also, if she’s asking me to do this for her, she also probably wants me to be more intentional in like, the listening about how her day is.

So it was always really important to me to not just ask how your day was but to also say, tell me more about that. And oh, what friend and is this such and such and I’ve tried to do that since then. To the point where I you guys kind of make fun of me about how I…

Kris:
Yeah, mom catchphrases. Tell me more about that, is that how you feel? Tell me more. Elaborate.

Nicole:
So it’s funny, because what you may not know, and we’ll reveal it to the masses now is part of why I say tell me why y’all can’t tell I am blushing right now I am actually because I’ve been caught by my kids, right? But the reason why I do that is because I never want to bring in this very good transition to the next part. I never want to bring my perspective or emotion, when I’m just supposed to be listening to how you feel.

Right? So like, if you’re telling me something, whether it’s a feeling about your friends, or something that’s happened or your day, I don’t want to immediately respond and make the moment about me by being like you did what? Or I can’t believe this happened? Or who is that? Like? I’d rather be like, Ss tell me more about that. Because one, more information can help me kind of calm down, if I’m feeling a feeling you know, and more information also can help you think through something if you’re trying to figure out a feeling. So that’s why I always respond that way. Because usually I’m like, Oh, I don’t know how to respond. So you know, but you tell me?

Kris:
I mean, just me personally, and I think for like a lot of kids. Yeah, it’s easier to like, tell a story when it’s like not, like, influenced by other people’s feelings specifically, like your parents feelings. It’s like, oh, how will she feel if I say this, like, say, the next detail of this story? This is gonna really affect our relationship. Well, maybe I just won’t say that part and then you just skip over it. Oh, but then the story doesn’t make sense. And you gotta jump back.

Nicole:
That’s true. Well, not just make sense but also, you may be missing out on valuable things. Yeah, from a parent perspective that’s needed. So I think that’s a great segue. So one of the outcomes of your kids not thinking that you like or are interested in what’s going on with them, is that they may hold back on telling you things that they need information on to inform their life or, you know, frankly, that just might be on their heart.

So do you think that’s like a category thing? Or do you think they’re just not talking to you at all or…

Kris:
I mean

Nicole:
And let’s just keep it real. We do talk about everything, everything and people didn’t see that side of our relationship. Like, we didn’t really show that much on the show that way. So, you know, like, what sort of things do you think that you know, some of the young folk are not talking about?

Kris:
I think they’re, most topics people hold back from their parents. Because like, it’s not that we don’t want your input. It’s just like, if we know it’s just going to be received negatively, and like full of judgment, or like, the reaction that you normally give your kids, it’s like, and I’m not trying to receive that type of energy, I’ll just go elsewhere with the information and get feedback from someone else. But we care about your opinion, right? So it’s like, we want you to listen, and like have some type of feedback, but like, not that type of feedback.

Nicole:
So you mean, it’s like it’s all in the delivery.

Kris:
Yeah, yeah.

Nicole:
And I mean, the thing that I’m hearing, like, Listen, I have, we have our relationship, but there’s also my mom hat is always present, you know, and I think one of the things we do really well in our relationship is I’ll say, okay, Mom had is going on, like, firmly did her name and like, where it’s like mom had never leaves the room. But there are some things where I’ll be like, Listen, this is I’m not playing about this for mom voice, you know, that sort of thing.

But that being said, when I hear some of the stuff you’re saying now like about going someplace else, to get the resources and stuff? Yeah, like, for me, I’m like, I hope you guys are hearing that no matter what your kids are talking to somebody, and that, your kids are talking to somebody. And so what that means is, do you want to be the type of person? Do you want to create the type of space where your kids are coming to you first, or at least in addition, for the resources they need? Or do you want your kids going to anyone and anywhere to get feedback on how to direct their life?

Kris:
Yeah, because it’s like, even if it is like their friend, or someone who has their best interest, it’s like, you’ve been in their life and around them longer. And you might have done the same thing at their age. So

Nicole:
Well that’s a conversation.

Kris:
So it’s just like, knowing like, after 20 years, I made this decision. And the these were like the repercussions of said decision right after a long period of time versus like, oh, yeah, I did that two months ago. And this is how it went for me.

Nicole:
Right? Like, as in like, adults are better resources for long range things. But you know, we need to be the type of environment where someone wants to even use us as a resource. And so what that means, and I’ll let you know, from my perspective is, I know you’re going to come talk to me about drugs, and sex and boyfriends and life decisions and money spending, and all of those things. And what you may not know is all of those things give me heart palpitations. I want to fall out every single time. Every single time. But I’ve gone to a lot of therapy.

Kris: Yeah.

Nicole:
Because I realized that a lot of those things are me issues in terms of my response to it, because the thing that I think we’ve talked about is they’re happening anyways.

Like your friends are already engaging, like usually, by the time it makes it to us.

Kris:
Yeah, it’s like it’s been like a month or two.

Nicole:
Thank you, hear that parents? So would you say it’s fair for all parents out there to realize that not talking about it is not going to keep your kid from it?

Kris:
Yeah, no, definitely not. I feel like it would only keep you from it.

Nicole:
Woah, that is good. Say it one more time.

Kris:
Or keep you from, like how the thing impacts your child.

Nicole:
That is so important y’all not talking about tough topics with your kid will not protect them, or keep them from engaging in those tough things. It will only protect and keep you from knowing about it. Yeah, that’s it right there. That is it right there. So be an environment at least helping guide you know what they’re doing.

So let’s talk about what that looks like. If you’re a parent who hasn’t already built that type of relationship, which we said the foundation of it is your kid just knowing that you are liked. What are some things that work? I know that we talk about everything literally, like, I’m sure I don’t know, all of the things I’m sure I may not know the extent of all the things and maybe that’s one part of his may not be naive to that. But I always tried to say, tell me more about that, or you know, what’s going on with you.

Kris:
So I want to point out, it’s the delivery of tell me more about that. Because, like if someone like takes away from this podcast, oh, I’m sorry, asking my kids tell me more about that. But it’s like, what I said, What do you tell me? Tell me more about that.

Nicole:
That’s a good point.

Kris:
Yeah, not to have judgment.

Nicole:
Yeah, so holding space. So when I say tell me more about that. What does it sound like? I’ll be you, Mom, I’m gonna go steal a car.

Kris:
Tell me more about that. That’s good, softer, and you’ll be like, Don’t murder anyone. So where? Where’s this car coming from? And can you tell me more about exactly what you are intending on doing? What makes you feel like you need to steal a car, Kristina? And I’ll be like, I’m just feeling rage. You’re like, what is the feeling under the rage?

Nicole:
I will say that what is the feeling behind the feeling? God, I am insufferable. I am the worst, gah, I can’t stand myself. I am tired of me. I am exhausting. No, I appreciate that. But it’s true. I see what you’re saying. It’s all about how it sounds. Like the whole thing really is about judgment is just that, you know, when were younger, and I think mamas, we did our own stuff, too. You know what I mean? We know that we are not, we weren’t always baptized is the way I’m going to describe it. Okay, there was a time before we were saved. We engaged in our own lives. And knowing that we also know what it felt like and what it even feels like now.

I’m gonna be completely honest, some of the stuff that I do, it’s embarrassing to say now as an adult. So imagine what it’s like when you’re a tiny human who’s newer to the world with big feelings, to want to go to your one person and say stuff and you’re terrified that they’re going to be like, I’m not going to like you anymore, or like you at all, or they’re going to say you’re a mess up, or you screwed up. Or this is terrible, when ultimately, all we really want is for them to be safe and happy and whole. So all that being said, let’s say a parent doesn’t have that relationship now and they’re listening and maybe they’ve listened to this with their little, you know, which if they had, hey, let’s just call this team fresh, clean start, you know, and y’all just start chatting.

But if they haven’t and they’re thinking they want to kind of get back in there. What do you think is the best approach? Is it a go to them right away and say, let’s talk, you know, or does that feel too pressured? Or is it kind of like just going in and being humble and being like, let’s hold space? Like what do you think?

Kris:
Since everyone knows the feeling of like, having like embarrassing stuff, and like not wanting to tell you, like everything that you’ve withheld from your parents? Is everything that your child is withholding from you.

Nicole:

That’s a terrifying notion. And none of us feels good about that. That’s the truth.

Kris:
And just like, imagine what you would want your parent to say in order for to help you feel more comfortable when you have to bring up those topics.

Nicole:
Oh, that’s so so good. I know that if I think about what because I’ve talked about my parent relationship, you know, on this podcast, and how like, I didn’t have a dad that I could really talk to and that I felt safe bringing anything up with. And if there was anything, I think I would have wanted, it would have been less the I literally would not have wanted them to come to me and been like, hey, so are you having sex like that would have freaked me out? Because it would have felt confrontational.

Kris: Yeah.

Nicole:
It would have been frightening. It makes my stomach flip right now and I am grown like, so it’s like super uncomfortable, I think I would probably have wanted more of an how I think I would have approached you, I think is how I’ve approached you is just kind of about every topic is just kind of, hey, if you need to talk about this, or anything, I just want you to know, like I’m here. And I’m here to help you with whatever decision you want to do, I think I say that a lot to you is just to help kind of extract the judgment from it, which is, look, I want to give you all the information, I want you to know that these are the choices that exist. And you can come back to me and ask, but whatever choice you make, this is where I can help you.

If you decide to make a choice outside of that barrier. I just want you to know that you’re going to absorb everything that goes along with that too. I think, does that sound accurate? I’m not making that up. You can call me out.

Kris:
I think that is very accurate. Like when we are talking about life choices and what I decide to do. You don’t just like, you don’t only tell the bad parts to put in, you’re like…

Nicole:
To freak out.

Kris:
Yeah, like your perspective, because it’s like, oh, yeah, you could do these things. These are the bad things. But also, here’s the good things. And it’s like, they don’t really balance out but choices are choices.

Nicole:
Yeah choices are choices. And it could be better than then we hope you don’t I mean, like so let’s use an example. Because I think real world examples always help people. You came to me recently, and this is something that I don’t think I told you that the time was tough for me, but I accepted it. You came to me recently and told me you were thinking about moving out. And I remember, you know, it’s kind of a running joke sort of on my social and you know, the TV show and stuff that I want you to move out, but the truth is, and I think every Mama knows this, I would have you up under me till you were 45 You know what I mean? Like you are my baby. I am all for it. I’m not taking a little boyfriend of yours. Awesome, but I would keep you right.

So, when you came to me, it was tough because I was triggered like, I had my feels, you know, my feelings were, am I not a good mom? Does she not like being here? What did I do wrong? Like, that was my personal junk. But I knew that I needed to hear more about like, what is it that you want to do?

Kris:
I’m glad you didn’t express that. Because Oh, really, because I was already nervous about like, moving out and like telling you like, oh, I want to move out. Sure. Because I’m like, Oh, she’s gonna feel like, I don’t love her anymore. And I’m just gonna go outside and be crazy, do hood stuff with my friends.

Nicole:
That’s so interesting. That’s how you’re feeling? Yeah. I would have felt that way. But I know you did.

Kris:
Yeah. It wasn’t like that’s my feeling. Yeah, it wasn’t.

Nicole:
That’s not the truth of it. You know what I mean? It’s just how I would feel, you know.

Kris:
Yeah. And it’s like, a conversation that we had later on. But it wasn’t like in the moment you didn’t make the Oh, Krissy wants to move out about Oh, mom feels like this, because Krissy wants to move out.

Nicole:
Right. Right. I think how did that conversation go? I think the next thing I said was, okay, so I think I probably said, Tell me more about that.

Kris:

Yeah, you were and then I was like, oh, yeah, you know, just thinking because of like this, this and this thing I want to move out. But I still want to be like close to home. And you helped me like… what’s that word?

Nicole:
Like know all your options? I put options in front. Here’s what I recall, I remember saying, if you want to move out, great, you can move on campus, you could get a place, you could do this. You could stay home, you probably want to run some math on that.

Kris:
Yeah, basically, like strategize according to what I personally wanted, when it came to like, oh, the feeling of moving out.

Nicole: Right.

Kris:
And you know, it was just nice, not having like judgment around it.

Nicole: Sure.

Kris:
Because I already know that like moving out is like a thing.

Nicole:
Yeah, it is. It is a thing. It is a thing. And so for those guys listening, I want you to know from the mom’s side of it and presenting that it’s hard, because you’re basically trusting that your kid will make the right call. And you have to accept that if they make a different call, right call doesn’t necessarily mean your call, but you’re hoping that they make the right call for them. So whenever I present all the options to my kids, I try to be as honest about it as possible. But I try not to push them one way or another because I have to trust that I have raised good kids. So there’s no way that you can say that you both have raised good kids, but you also are judging all their decisions. If you think you’ve done a good job, let let the good job show.

Kris:
Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole:
So I mean, like, I can honestly tell you, Kris, one of the things I’m so proud of with you is that whenever I put things in front of you always you don’t always make the decision I would make. But you always make a decision that I think is smart, well informed, properly planned, and something that you can live with and you’re willing to accept responsibility for. So I’m always really proud of you for that. Like in the moving out situation, you decided to it was a kind of a compromise, like, I’m going to stay home, but I’m going to revisit this later, I think was the decision.

Kris: Yeah.

Nicole:
And but we’ve had times where I think even during your chemo treatment, there was a question about your care. And, and I was like this decision is yours. And what I did was I made sure you understood it, you know, I like what they were saying and all of the pieces, and you actually went in a direction that was completely different from what I would have done, you know, but you said you felt safe and comfortable to do it. Do you regret it?

Kris: No.

Nicole:
Yeah, exactly. So I mean, it’s like, I think that a lot of times as parents, we worry so much that we want to control our kids’ decisions. And we forget that if you’re able to just at least inform them and let them have the decisions in front of them. If you’ve shown up and put your good stuff in them and been a great example, like they’ll choose what’s right. And if they don’t, they’ll figure it out. Because you’re not my only kid, right. And I’ve got kids who decide to do what they want all the time. And they’re living their choices.

Kris:
Life is gonna be hard either way so just be a good parent so that you can help your child navigate through whatever hard they choose.

Nicole:
Oh, that’s so good. And I think we can close on that note. Oh, my goodness, Kris, I’m just I’m trying to have a super mom moment. You know, Hi. Um, you know, I’ve oh god if you guys can see her face. She’s just like CRINGE CRINGE, I just love you so much and I am so proud of you and I am so grateful.

I say this all the time I say it to you, but it is such a privilege to get to be your mom. Like I can’t even believe you allow me to do this and it has helped me grow because I’ve had to learn patience [laughing] and that has served me well in a lot of places. But I also have a good time with you you’re like one of my best friends and I love hanging out with you and I’m excited to see what the future holds. Thank you for lending your knowledge and your gifts to everyone listening and y’all send my baby well wishes you know, and I hope that this helps all of your babies as well. Thank you so much for being here and listening and next week is going to be good too.

 

In this episode, Kris and chat about:

• When teens should be allowed to date and what Kris did in the “before times”
• What kids are wanting from their parents and how it may not be what you think,
• The tough conversations we have to have when raising adults,
• How to connect with your kids without being judgmental, even when it’s hard, and
• An update on what Krissy is doing in life!

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook and Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss episode 30 from season 1 where I talk about MidTiny’s cancer journey
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

From Surviving to Thriving

Friend, we are getting in to it in this episode! From how to go from surviving to thriving, to discussing some Real Housewives drama, to a lesson on confidently making moves in your life, this episode is a chat you won’t want to miss!

If you’ve been functioning on autopilot lately, you are not alone. Today I want to give you three steps to getting out of that survival mindset so you can be present and thrive in your daily moments. All of this ties into the second half of our chat where we’re talking about how to know when to make moves in your life and when to stay where you are.

Thank you for being here friend! Continue sending me your questions either through the DMs or by recording me a message HERE. Talk to you soon friend!

Nicole:

Hey friend, I am thrilled for us to chat again this week. We have got some big things to talk about, not just with what’s happening in the world. But a lot of you have reached out to me saying that you’re going through transitional seasons of your own, whether it is in your work, or your relationships or your parenting. And I’ve got some really good stuff for you today that we’re going to use to help us move forward.

But before all of that, I wanted you to know how much I have enjoyed hearing from you. You guys have been leaving me the best voice messages with the most interesting questions. And it’s just been so much fun every single week to come back and give you the answers based on what I’ve got. So keep those messages coming, you can find a way to leave me a message in our show notes right below. And of course, you can always slide into my DMs anywhere on the internet @NicoleWalters, I love to hear from you. So keep it coming.

This week’s message comes from Diane:

Hey Nicole, I hope all is well your way. I know you recently shared your heart and your current season of life and the things that you are going through. And I just want you to know that I can probably speak on behalf of everyone that we collectively as a group are rooting you on are cheering and praying for you and truly hope that the Lord continues to work in the way that He knows best. You are loved. And we value our friendship through social media, even if we’ve never met in person. And I say we as in us followers, but my question to you is what to do when you are operating on autopilot.

I love y’all. Before I get into Diane’s question, I just want to say, I know that we often feel like the internet is this big mean place where we’re almost seeing the worst of people because everyone wants to be a keyboard soldier. Right? You know, we’re hidden behind this veil of technology and so sometimes the worst of us is what presents itself. And I have to tell you, that hasn’t been my experience. And I’m so grateful for it thus far.

You guys have always been so loving and so supportive. And while I know as we always say, you know, we haven’t met in real life, when we do meet in real life, I mean, it is all like hugs, laughs and high fives and I appreciate that. Because truly and authentically, I wish the best for you. And I know that you guys wish that for me and our littles and it’s just really nice that we get to be real, regular people, or sometimes the internet can feel so strange. So thank you for your sweetest messages, especially from you, Diane, you are so deeply loved. And thank you for that.

Now, to answer your question about operating on autopilot. First and foremost, y’all who isn’t operating on autopilot right now?! It has been bananas, I almost feel like with all the chaos and craziness in the world between pandemia between trying to still like keep things functional for our families. And also, as this world has created sort of shifts within itself. We are all kind of just responding to what the world is giving us which lends itself to an autopilot format. So I just want to affirm not just for you, Diane, but for everyone, that is a really normal and consistent feeling that I hear echoed with many including myself.

So let’s just do the first thing which is, you know, kind of give ourselves a little bit of freedom in knowing that we’re not the only one now, I can break this down into three simple categories. And they’re a combination of not just my own experience, but a lot of what I’ve learned through therapy.

It’s really simple. Write this down if your note taking inclined. Getting out of autopilot breaks down into three things, Grace, space, and getting present. Grace, space and getting present. It is so easy to go through the motions of life and not feel like you’re operating with any intentionality. Now, it is okay for a brief amount of time, especially in response to trauma or chaos, or frankly, just to get through hardship, to operate on autopilot to kind of go through the motions to get by and get along. Frankly, that’s our body’s way of protecting us from fully absorbing some of the seriousness of certain situations, because we really do only want to handle what we can handle.

And I gotta tell you, it’s just a simple example, when my middle baby, who’s now 20, and I just can’t even wrap my head around that. But when she was 17, she was diagnosed with stage four cancer and you can listen back to some of the episodes in season one, where I talk about that journey. And for the mamas who are listening, who are either new to this community, or have been here for a while, but maybe miss that moment. She’s fine, she’s healthy, she’s healed, the cancer has not come back in Jesus name, and never, ever will. But all that being said, you want to talk about an autopilot season, girl, I had one.

It was a season of, let’s make it to the appointments. Let’s believe that God has the final say. Let’s lean in on, you know, hitting our checklist in terms of meds, in terms of health choices, in terms of eating and support. I mean, I had no time to really sit and marinate on any specific moment, because it was about one step after the other. And I know in describing this, a lot of you are nodding your heads in your kitchens, in your cars, while working out, where you’re like exactly girl, it is literally about just sort of feeling like I’m staying ahead of things. That’s what autopilot is. Now, understand. And I think this will really connect for you.

That behavior, that mindset, that sort of processing makes a lot of sense when you’re dealing with difficulty. Where it doesn’t make sense is when you are in a season where you’re really trying to hit goals, when you’re really trying to make certain progress towards things when you’re really trying to shift to a new place or a new level. And where it becomes a problem, and I think Diane, that this is what you were referencing, is when you go from one season into the next without shifting from autopilot.

When you are going through struggle and now you’re meeting these new moments where the struggle kind of is past you, but you’re still in survival mode. And that’s where grace, space, and getting present makes a difference. So in that order, the first part of grace is simply saying to yourself, hey, I needed to be an autopilot. Instead of looking at it like a bad thing instead of beating yourself up because you’re like, what did I even do in this last season? It was a blur. How did I miss things? Give yourself grace, you’ll hear me say it all the time. I don’t even know if we can have a chat and sit down without me mentioning grace. And the reason why I do it all the time is because of who you are.

You’re like me, you have an inclination to be hard on yourself, because you carry so much for so many people. We’re the type of people that always want to be our best. We’re always looking to be more. It’s why we have these chats. It’s why we meet here. We’re not sitting around absorbing the nonsense. We’re here saying how can we improve? How can we show up as our best version of ourselves, but that also lends us to being a little hard on ourselves. So it’s why you always hear me say grace, grace, grace. So if you had to operate an autopilot, which you likely did, give yourself grace for doing what you needed to do mentally to survive and hit your marks during that season. It was allowed.

Now space, space means recognizing that you as an individual require space and peace in order to shift from survival mode into thriving mode, there is no way that you’re going to be able to get from one to the other. If you don’t take a moment to pause, reset and recalibrate where you are. And what does that pause look like? It may look like doing what I love to call a self care sabbatical. It’s taking a day or two, it can be in a local hotel, a local airbnb. Or girl, it could be in your basement with a door lock and some snacks, okay? It’s literally just saying to yourself, I need a couple of days where I can one, mourn, grieve, and really take some time to understand and internalize the season I was just in.

You cannot move into a new season without taking time to acknowledge and reflect on the season prior that lets you extract the lessons. But it also lets you apply closure to the fact that you did have to be in survival mode for a reason. So many of us in dealing and coping with the pandemic have really been in a season where we’re just so eager to move forward, that we haven’t taken time to absorb what has happened to us, what was lost, what changed and celebrate the fact that we survived and we did whatever we needed to do to get past that point to get to where we are today. So taking time in that first bit of space to say look, I did it. And I’m here now and I’m acknowledging that I’m ready to move forward.

Now the second part of that space is the planning. It’s being able to say to yourself, look I’m setting this season of survival behind. I’m moving forward to getting out of autopilot. What is it that I want? Where do I see myself, and what resources and tools do I need to actually get there? That’s the second portion of it. But understand, you can’t do any of that thinking, if you don’t create an environment with a simple moment of quiet and peace to be able to do so. Now, it’s not lost on me, that we have lives, and work, and littles and a million things pulling at us all the time. I want to let you know that you are a necessary priority. You will not be able to serve all these things you’ve committed to if you don’t take the time to prioritize yourself.

So I’m letting you know that this is a worthy endeavor. This is an exercise that is fruitful and meaningful. I need you to take the space to get yourself out of autopilot. So Diane, I hope that really connects with you. Now, the last portion of this and this is critically important. And it kind of ties into that space part is, in order to move forward, you really have to reset and flip the switch on your inside. And it’s called getting present. And this actually comes directly from therapy. And a lot of you may not know this, but it’s a real psychological, neurological thing. We have a tendency to disassociate, whenever we’re going through trauma. Disassociate means kind of checking out. We pull ourselves out of it and while we’re still able to operate in a routine robotic way, mentally, we are not present in that moment, we are not absorbing the full impact of what we’re doing.

Here’s a simple example of how disassociating happens in your everyday life. Have you ever been just leaving work, leaving home, leaving church, leaving the office, and your brain is set on your destination, so you hop in the car, you get to driving, and you may be listening to music, but your brain is just sort of operating thinking about the checklist, think about what to do think about the next step thinking about the destination. And as you’re going you miss your turn, or you blow past the exit, or you forget that you needed to also stop and pick up the dry cleaning or a prescription. That’s what disassociating is. It’s that you are so autopilot, that eventually you just blink and you have arrived where you are and you can’t believe that you missed the exit or the turn or the one or two stops. And you’re like holy cow, I don’t even know how I got here.

I want to let you know that. What we’re always aiming to be as the best version of ourselves is present. Being present in the here and now is the healthiest place to be. You don’t want to live in the past, and you don’t want to live in the future. Because all that really matters is today, today is what you can control, today is what you can operate and grow within. So if you’re spending a lot of time thinking about what happened before, well, I don’t know how much that serves you. Unless you’re doing it briefly to really extract lessons to apply to your future and your present. And if you’re spending a lot of time worrying about what’s to come, well, that doesn’t make much sense, because who knows what’s to come!

All that really matters is staying as present as possible. And there’s some simple things you can do to help you do that. The first one is counting. I know that sounds crazy, but it is a real psychological tool. If you find yourself drifting and spending a lot of time thinking about things that stress you or worrying about the future, count. Counting numbers and thinking in a very methodical way actually helps you get back to the present, talking to yourself within counting and saying, look, I am in Los Angeles, I am in a podcast studio, I am talking to my besties on the internet. I am sitting in front of a microphone, it’s kind of warm in here. I’m wearing a sweatshirt, it’s kind of itchy. When you think of things like that. It reminds you of the here and now and it almost yanks you back into reality. I have to let you know it’s a simple solution that really helps with anxiety about the future. And it also helps with coping with some of the emotional things of the past. It’s not a perfect solution, therapy helps, prayer helps. You gotta have both, right? You need your pastor and a therapist. Amen. But it really does help you in those brief moments when you’re by yourself to get present again and it kind of yanks you out of autopilot mode.

And then the last part is just intentionality, really saying to yourself, Okay, what is my goal in this moment? Not today, not 10 years from now? Not tomorrow. What is my goal in this moment? In this moment, what am I doing? I’m talking to my besties we’re sitting down, we’re having a chat. I’m catching up. I know that our chats are not like some other stuff you listen to. This is really just two friends catching up every week. I love it because it feels like our weekly phone call. Where I’m like girl, let me tell you what happened. This has been so crazy and I have to let you know it’s so meaningful to me that we get to even do this and nothing keeps me more present than being able to check in with my friends weekly.

And I want to let you know that in every moment, I want you to do the same thing. So right now, you can simply take a breath and say, What am I doing right now? I’m sitting with my friend, Nicole. I’m catching up on what’s happened to her this week, and seeing kind of how she’s shaping things for the future. And maybe she’s got one or two good words that I can take away and create a better week for myself. I feel good about it. I know I’m gonna leave here improved. And I’m excited that I get to do this all the time.

Super simple, kind of takes a weight off, and really helps bring you to the moment we’re in and I hope for you, feels really good. So, Diane, as you’re trying to figure out how to shift from survival mode and autopilot into being more present, and engaging in the good life that we have in front of us. Just remember, grace, space, and getting present. You’re doing great. Thanks for reaching out.

So friends, if you are like me, you indulge a little bit in some pop culture stuff. I know, I know, we should always be doing personal development, self help, you know, reading our spiritual edifying positive things that help us grow. But once in a while, I just want to pop on Bravo and watch some trash, okay? Haha, it’s just the truth of it. I need my moment to disconnect. And frankly, watch other people be a hot mess so I can forget my own hot mess. Am I right? So that said, I don’t know about you. But if you are a real housewifer, or if you have been keeping up with some of the latest and the greatest of the shows, there is a behind the scenes thing happening right now with Miss NeNe Leakes. She is one of the stars of the Real Housewives of Atlanta’s franchise. Now, she hasn’t been on the past few seasons. And that is actually the point of contention. So just letting you know, just to keep up with it. Essentially, she, many seasons ago, I want to say two or three parted ways with the Real Housewives of Atlanta brand. And essentially, that was initially announced as a mutual parting. Meaning she said, I’ve kind of closed this chapter of filming of my life and the network said, thanks so much, please be on your way. We’re doing our separate thing.

But very soon thereafter, and when I say soon, I mean, within weeks, it escalated into, they asked me to leave, I didn’t want to be here. We could not agree on contracts. And the network said, Okay, well I cosign that as well. We could not agree on contracts. But again, it’s a mutual parting. You know, we’re separating. And then within a couple of weeks, another version came out, you know, where both parties were. At this point, actually, I think the network really wasn’t commenting anymore. But NeNe Leakes, the character on the show, I say, character, she’s playing herself, but you know, the character on the show, because lord knows reality TV ain’t real. You know, she was stating that 100%, she was asked to leave it was contentious and negative, that there were negative experiences and she started really relaying a lot of the challenges that she’s felt in dealing with the network and with the brand over the, I think it’s honestly been 10 plus years that she’s been working with them. So really a decade of filming and working with the network and just the highs and lows and some things that she said are actually quite salacious and maybe a little scandalous and discriminatory.

So all of that being said, it did not result in her being reinstated to the show. It also did not result in the network making any real statement outside of you know, she’s no longer going to be welcome. And all of this played out over the course of a couple of months. And, frankly, I will say that it became pretty clear between the blogs and the, you know, outlets, that NeNe Leakes was being painted as being someone very difficult to work with. And, you know, she had a lot to say, Now, as you know, and don’t make yourself content, I am not sitting here trying to judge who is right and wrong, because I just do not like playing jury when I know for a fact having been on both sides of the camera, I have created my own content and I’ve also been filmed for content with my TV show on USA Network.

So I know what it’s like to have your brand portrayed the best it can be and I also know what it’s like when things are inaccurate. So I try not to get into the judgment because I understand it. But what I will tell you is that we always use this time to talk about what can we learn as everyday people from these experiences. Now, the first thing I want to let you know is right now this is still ongoing. So we’re talking years after a parting of ways there’s still conversation being made as NeNe has now brought a lawsuit against the network saying that there has been racism and discrimination and and it has drastically affected her ability to make income and continue to work in her field of media and entertainment.

And we haven’t heard much from the network, which doesn’t surprise me, because that’s probably a legal move. But we’re gonna see this continue to play out over the coming months, you know, as the legal proceedings move forward. But what does that mean for us? Well, the first thing, I think that we can learn from this because she, you know, Nene claim she has been sort of blacklisted from working anywhere now is, you may be right. In a certain situation, I think all of us have been in situations where we felt like we had been wronged. And we actually had to keep it private, because of the fact that it may affect our ability to work in the future.

I know that being in LA, there’s nothing I’ve learned more than how small this city is. Everyone has worked with everyone. I mean, you all I could tell you, and I probably will at some point, some stories of how I have been on set. And I have had people tiptoe around me. It’s actually kind of funny when I think of it because whenever I’m booked to work anything, I mean, y’all know me, but a lot of the people who come and work with me may be working with me for the first time. And when I say that people I mean like makeup artist or production assistants, production assistants are people who may just sort of their extra hands on set. So their job is to maybe if you have a need kind of meet that need, would you like a sandwich? Would you like some water? Where’s your hat, you know, like, whatever.

And you all it is precious, because these are all babies, they’re like in their early 20s. And they are just so excited to be being in the industry. And they really want to make sure they don’t do anything wrong because they don’t want to get fired. So it’s crazy, because people will tiptoe around you. And y’all know that I am probably the most regular like, I mean, literally I have been chastised on set by my manager and agent because I’m like, oh, yeah, no, I just wanted to make sure everyone had food so I was cleaning it up behind me. And they’re like Nicole did listen, I know you’re from this. I know you’re old school, you do not need to clean up here, you do not need to sweep. You do not need to stay and help fold stuff. And I’m like, Oh, but I got hands.

And these production assistants are like, I mean, no joke. If I say Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t even mention that I wanted like sparkling water instead of cold water, or just do you guys have sparkling water? They’re like, I am so sorry that I did not bring your sparkling water. I will find that for you. And I’m like, Oh girl, if you don’t have it, it’s fine. Like, I just was curious if you had it because it seems like you have a lot of options. But if you don’t like I can drink regular water. They will literally be like sweating bullets and in tears because he don’t want to make the talent mad. So I want to let you know that this is literally how it is out here. And it’s because of the fact that they never know if you may be the person who books their next gig or they never know if you’re going to be the person who eventually is going to be the crazy pants superstar that could change their life.

So they’re always like really careful about who they work with. And the reason this relates, I think to all of us is we really have to be careful about how we treat our relationships, whether it’s in work or in church, or in school, or whatever, because you never know who somebody is going to be. And if nothing else, we all have value and worth in this world. And I think a lot of this is something that we may forget as we start to ascend through the ranks, and we start to be elevated in our status. Now I’ve always been one where I’m like, God blessed me with a platform and Lord knows he could take it tomorrow. So you better believe that I’m going to treat with humility and grace, this opportunity I have to show up in any room. Because you know, as soon as I start acting all big and fancy pants, God is gonna sit my butt right at home.

So I will always be wide eyed and surprised and grateful to get a chance to even be anywhere. But with that the people who get to be in the room with me as much as they may look at me and say oh, that Nicole might be the next fancy pants whoever, look that production assistant could be the next person who has a super duper platform that I’m hoping to get on. Because that’s really how the world works. You never know who’s going to be elevated. And I think and this is just my perspective, and I think you guys may relate a little bit too but I think Miss Nene may have forgotten a little bit of that.

And she may not realize that even if she may be right, and y’all understand discrimination, racism, all of that is very real, particularly in the entertainment world. There is a lot of ickiness out here that is long standing and has been around for years and is not being routed out, it is well understood. And I think that there could very well be some legitimacy to the experiences that NeNe had, because people’s feelings are valid, and they’re usually rooted in something. So I don’t want to take away from her claims and her experience. But you better believe that even if you may be right, how you responded to things, how you may have treated people while you were there, that may be a factor in why you’ve been blacklisted.

So when you felt that you were wronged in choosing to not handle that, as she’s handling it now, which really is more professional press releases, it’s more professional legal moves, things of that sort, instead of just kind of going to the media and going live on the internet and getting on social and sort of being insistent on getting the world in your favor, rather than doing things in a methodical way. Well, that may be part of why other people don’t want to work with you. You know, it’s because you may have chosen to share your grievances, share the things that make you upset in a fashion that made people not interested in continuing to work with you, because they’re like, look like, we know, we’re gonna get things wrong.

And I think that’s what a lot of us forget, everybody knows they’re gonna mess up. It’s how is this person going to react when I do. I tell my team all the time, you know, because I run a company inherit learning company, and we have, you know, 16 employees at headquarters in Atlanta, you know, I’m a CEO and a boss of that. So I’ve got people every single day that are working with me and working with my clients. And I gotta tell you, I know they’re going to make mistakes, the thing that we always talk about are reversible and irreversible decisions.

If you make a mistake around something that is irreversible, and you chose not to ask and use your resources, you didn’t want to get any approvals. You just kind of move forward with that, then yeah, you can probably expect that there’ll be a response, not just from me, but from HR, things of that sort. But it’ll always be respectful and maintaining the dignity that you deserve.

Now, a reversible decision? Well, if you make a mistake around something like you’re scheduled the Zoom call wrong, or you may be sent something in the mail that didn’t need to go there and we’re able to fix it, well, look, nobody’s gonna fly off the handle or lose their head about that. Because ultimately, we are bound to make mistakes. So being able to approach your work life or your parenting or your relationships, keeping that in mind, is this something that’s really a battle that’s worth fighting? Well, that matters.

And I think in Hollywood, a lot of times you see people who are flying off the handle about something like their outfit, or their shoes, or their makeup, or their, you know, green room or their and if you guys a green room is like your dressing room, or you know whether their water is sparkling or flat, you know, and they’re treating it like an irreversible decision. And that’s where people start really saying, Gosh, if I have a choice of all the people in the world to work with, do I want to work with them again? Probably not. How you respond is everything.

And then of course, there’s a big difference. And I think this the big one that we’re all learning right now, in this sort of internet world, there’s a big difference between public accountability and private resolution, public accountability over private resolution. Now, it doesn’t mean that in order to get to a solution, we don’t need a little bit of both, but my word, our quickness, to run to screaming for public accountability, meaning I want an apology, I want an acknowledgement, I want you to lay on the altar of forgiveness in front of the masses, in order for me to feel like my emotions are rectified and validated. Oh, goodness gracious, if that’s what you’re requiring from others, especially a massive network that has more money than most of us will ever see, well, you’re gonna be waiting a long time for that. It’s gonna have to be a situation of compromise, and that compromise is usually reached through private resolution.

Now, in private resolution, you usually can end up creating a space where public accountability will occur as well. But understand that you’re rarely going to get an opportunity to sit at a table and come to a good resolution privately, if you just run to public accountability. So I say this to all of you, in our personal lives and relationships, if we feel like we’ve been wronged, whether it’s in the work world, or personally through a relationship, it probably doesn’t serve us to run to all of our friends and scream about it. It probably won’t serve us to run to all of our co-workers and talk about it day in and day out. Because ultimately, none of those people are actually going to solve the problem or the pain that we’re feeling.

I think what we can learn from this situation is if we want to maintain our relationships as people are increasingly connected, and we want to make sure that we have a future in our industries and in our relationships, it serves us to maybe take the private route first, and see how that works, before we start going to the microphone, and blowing things up. Because you know what, whenever you set things on fire, you may be the one who gets burned.

Now for today’s chat, I’ve been so excited to break this one down, because it easily is the most asked question that I get whenever I’m doing panels or when I bumped into you, you know, on the street, or if we are in the DMs, this comes up all the time. And I think this information will be really valuable. Now, the number one thing people always ask me, you know, based on the fact that I have quit my job live online in front of 10,000 people, and I did that almost 10 years ago, and built a multimillion dollar business, multiple brands, multiple million dollar brands, you know, as well as worked with other people. People say Nicole, how did you even know when it was time to move? And this question comes up more and more now that I’ve shared that I’m, you know, in the process of a divorce and transitioning out of, you know, my, my role in my marriage and my relationship that I’ve moved to Los Angeles, you know, just all of these things that have happened recently, people are like Nicole, like you have made and stepped into some bold decisions. And you seem to do it in a way where you have a little bit of confidence. And you’re doing it in a way where it seems like you are ready to kind of go all in and we’re seeking to have that in our lives, how are you knowing that these things are going to be okay?

So that’s what I’m gonna break down for you because I think that we all have transitions and decisions and things that we want to do but a lot of us are trying to balance moving when it’s right so that we don’t compromise one, what we’ve already built thus far. Our families matter to us, our kiddos and our littles matter to us, our jobs, our income, our benefits, our existing relationships, all this stuff really matters. And we put a lot of effort into getting them where they are thus far. So we don’t want to lose that. And then of course, knowing when it’s time to move to make sure we are assuring our future. We want to know that the things that we’re going to are going to be real and stable, fruitful and positive.

And I gotta tell you just right out the gate, spoiler alert, no promises on that. But what I can tell you is, there are a few things you can check that’ll help you really know if it is that time. And that’s what I’m going to give you today. So the first thing is by far and large, and this is something you would not have thought of, if you are too comfortable, it may be time to move. I said it. A lot of us out here are saying to ourselves, Well, I have to move because it is so uncomfortable. This is unbearable, because I cry every Sunday because I have the Sunday scaries. And I don’t want to go into work on Monday, I am just miserable in this relationship. A lot of us associate misery with the time to move. And I want to recalibrate for some of you that if you are too comfortable, it may be time to move.

What does that look like? It looks like not having any growth. If you’re at a job where you have stayed in the same role, the same title, the same salary, the same people, the same responsibilities where you are operating on autopilot. Your brain is mush and you are not growing, girl, it may be time to go somewhere else because you deserve growth. You are not ascending to the best version of yourself. If you are in a place where you feel like your marriage is so mundane, where every day is routine and you know what’s coming. And it doesn’t feel like it has any of that original excitement where it feels like you don’t have enthusiasm around what the future may hold. Well, it may be time to move. And I’m not I’m not encouraging everybody to leave their spouse, I’m saying make movement within the marriage where you’re having conversations that you didn’t have before or setting up experiences you didn’t set up before.

But that’s what I mean that it may be time to make a shift. Comfort truly can be an example of when it’s time to move. And I say that as someone who this was one of the primary reasons I moved out of my job. It was standard. I was good at it. I was great as a corporate executive working for a fortune 500 company. I was helping scale from 2 million to 200 million. I was hitting my marks and I was killing it. I was also making pretty good money. But I also knew that God had called me to be, do and serve more. And that was not going to happen where I was.

I had actually been in a position where I’d like to describe it as golden handcuffs. I was in a position where I knew that I could stay here forever, but I was locked in. And while it was beautiful and shiny, that was it. That growth was only going to come from discomfort and the discomfort I wanted it to be something that I chose. I wanted to choose the discomfort of branching into something that gave me a little bit of risk, but I knew there was going to be reward. And that meant I needed to get out of this comfortable position and step into something more.

So if you’re saying to yourself right now, if this is resonating, if you’re saying girl, Nicole, you’re right, I haven’t changed anything. And I haven’t changed my outfit. I have the same haircut. I haven’t even I haven’t moved, I haven’t gone to a new city, I am too dang comfortable. And I am not going to grow while staying here. Well, hey, friend, it may be time to reflect on what your next move is, and get a little bit uncomfortable so you can branch into new things. Now, the next thing is, and I think this may be a little bit more obvious, but it may be too hard.

It may be time to move, because the thing you’re doing is too hard. And I’m not talking about the fact that it may have some discomfort because in reality, life is difficult. You’ll hear me say it time and time again. I’ve talked about it all season, life is the meeting and solving of problems, all we will ever do all day is figure out problems. How will I get to work? What will I eat? How will I figure out how to pay these bills? How will I ascend to my goals? I mean, realistically it is the level of problem that we’re going to deal with. But if everything feels like it is a big problem that is not getting resolved. Another thing that I used to measure if it’s too hard is, if the thing and the work and the opportunity, and what I’m doing stays with me longer than it should, which is like this, if work comes home and you find yourself laying down in your quiet time mulling over the same workplace problems, you may be in a situation where work is too hard for the season of life that you’re in. Where it is requiring and drawing too much from you, then what it is paying out and what the reward should be. If you are finding yourself unable to sign off, turn off, extract, and all you’re doing is being immersed in whatever that challenge is, well then hey, it may be too hard and it may be time to move. Same thing with relationships.

For me, I worked so hard in my marriage, to try to make it happen when I tell you I did all of the things. And I mean, I did all of the things knowing things weren’t going to work, right? Knowing that some things, you know, just to say I did you know what I mean. And for those you guys who have separated, I think you can relate to this. But I got married to be married forever, I’m just not a quitter. Like I am team everything has a resolution. You know, and that’s great. If that’s who you are, your partner needs to be on the same page, your partner needs to be in a position where they are willing to do everything as well, you know, then you can have a marriage forever. That wasn’t my situation. But you better believe that I quickly realized, even though I was still in it, that some things were just too hard. Meaning this was requiring a level of energy from me, that did not permit me to have energy left for important things in my life, like my babies, or important things in my life, like my own health physically, like my physical health. Or this was requiring and extracting so much energy from me that even when I was in other places that were positive like work or with my friends, or at a birthday party or at a wedding or gosh, even just sleeping on vacation, my brain was still thinking about my marriage or the difficulties or the challenges or, you know, some negative experience I may have had with my ex, you know, and when I realized that things were just staying with me all the time that I couldn’t even find a place of peace, because my negativity was being carried with me, that is when you can start saying this may be too hard and it may be time to move.

And the last one, and this is a big one. But when I tell you friend, this one is transformative. It’s based on a biblical principle. And I say this because I know that not all of us are faith followers, right? And not all of us are Christians. But you guys know the language that I speak, right? So extract this and apply it the way that you know speaks your language. But I hope that you can get the meaning of this because there’s room for all here. But God is not the author of confusion. God is not the author of confusion. So if you find yourself being in a space around a decision needing to move, and all you’re finding is that you are in constant confusion, just most of your time is spent going back and forth wondering if you can or if you should, or if it makes sense or if this is right or if any of this connects. Well then it’s worth realizing that the answer may be as simple as go. Go.

Because I’m a big believer that God wants us to live in a state of clarity, that things that He has designed for us are wonderful, and positive. And they may be difficult, but they always lead to our prosperity. And so what that means is if you’re in a place of confusion, that’s not of Him, right? That’s not a place where your positivity and your future resides. So if you’re going back and forth, maybe the answer is stay still. If you’re going back and forth, maybe the answer is girl just go. But you better believe that if you’re sitting there spending a lot of time dancing around it, trying to make it work, bending, and twisting and manipulating everything in your life to try to make this thing fit, then maybe it just doesn’t fit. And maybe you don’t fit.

So if you’re having a hard time making a decision, right now, I just want to encourage you to also allow yourself instead of trying to say, how do I make this thing work? Ask yourself, what happens if it doesn’t? What am I going to do if it doesn’t work, and then friend, maybe just do that. I know that once I started embracing that I didn’t always have to bend over backwards to make things succeed when God just may not want that for me. I started seeing whole new opportunities. I started feeling so encouraged about the future. And I started really embracing my ability to adapt, be flexible, and thrive in change.

Friend, it’s not just me, this is a truth that exists for you, too. I want you to know that whether or not you decide that it is time for you to move and step into something new or stay where you are just a little bit longer until the next thing, you have the ability to thrive. You deserve joy. And it is something that is absolutely written in the stars for your future. This is not just something that I’m standing in agreement on unbelieving for you today. It is something that I have already experienced to be my truth. I have had one of the hardest, most difficult and challenging years of my life. And I hope that in our chats that we have day in and day out, you recognize that I’m still here. That I’m still here to let you know that if God can do it for me, he can do it for you.

And I’m a believer that if you’re willing to accept that it’s already been promised to us that weapons will form, they will, things will be hard,that’s already good and clear, friend, that’s no surprise. We already know that it can get hard. But if you’re also willing to accept that these weapons won’t prosper, then you’ll lean in to the change that you need. You’ll lean into the change that you deserve. And you’ll realize whichever path you follow, it will end in good things and you are worth it. Go get it friend. I’m doing it with you.

 

In this episode, I share:

• Why so many of us have been in autopilot mode lately,
• How to move from surviving to thriving,
• A lesson for us all from some recent Real Housewives drama, and
• How to confidently making moves in your life (or confidently stay where you are!)

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook and Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss episode 30 from season 1 where I talk about MidTiny’s cancer journey
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

You don’t EARN Joy

In this season of life, I’m learning a new lesson each day. The lesson I have for YOU today is that even though life is tough, you deserve joy TODAY. Yes, you don’t earn joy, you deserve inherently.

We’re chatting about how to experience joy in the little moments, no matter what else is going on in your life. In this episode I also answer a question about imposter syndrome and whether or not a mistake or failure disqualifies you from teaching on a specific topic.

Thank you for being here for this chat friend! Let me know what resonates by tagging me on Instagram @NicoleWalters – talk to you there friends.

Nicole:

Hey friend. I am so excited that we’re chatting again today, and I hope that as you are listening in the kitchen or in the car, you got the tinies behind you or whatever you’ve got going on that you’re joining our weekly chat and you’re feeling well. I know that I am excited to come to you week after week, and it’s been amazing to hear on Instagram, Twitter and just all over social media. The amazing feedback about season three of the Nicole Walters podcast. Now, I, I know you probably listened to a lot of different podcasts and they have a different vibe, right? Each week they’re maybe have a different guest or maybe they’re you know, talking about products or whatever, telling, you know, true crime stories, you name it. But I really like the special thing that we have here, where it really is just us sitting down like friends catching up over coffee and, you know, just plugging through all the crazy things that are happening in life and chatting about all the things that we’re seeing and being exposed to day after day, and really doing our best to fuel each other with, you know, joy and energy and grant and grace so that we can keep going.

So I’m gonna keep coming back here. <Laugh> every single week, and I’m glad that you do too. And I wanna hear from you. So this isn’t a one, let me, let me pause for that. I wanna hear from you. So what that means is that you can actually reach out to me. If you head over to Instagram @NicoleWalters, you can leave me a message. I actually put the link to leaving me a voicemail in the show notes. And I want you to know that these voicemails all come directly to me. So they are anonymous. I’m not gonna be able to hunt you down or put your name out there or anything like that. But you know, they come right to me. So they let me hear from you. If it’s just feedback, you can say that and say, Hey, Nicole, this is just feedback.

Or if it’s just a message and you wanna share it, you can do that. But if you have a question about anything, whether it is business or life or TV shows or podcast, or you have a tough thing, you’re trying to figure out with a friend or a family member I’m really, really happy to keep this conversation two ways and to lend whatever gifts I may have to help you sort out whatever’s put in front of you, because it is so much easier for us to do life together. Now, in that vein, I have the most amazing messages that have been coming in, and this week’s message is really, really powerful. And I think that a lot of us are gonna relate to it and it comes from Beverly.

Hi, Nicole. My name is Beverly. Thank you for opening up this space and being so open and authentic with your journey and just allowing us to, and learn and heal with you as you and learn and heal my question. Have you ever struggled with the imposter syndrome feeling that you’re not good enough to sit at that table or you shouldn’t even be in that room? And how did you overcome that? And also, have you ever struggled?

Can you cut it after just the first part instead of two questions? Awesome. Beverly, so I have been talking about imposter syndrome for years, and I’m so glad you’re bringing it back up because it’s something I haven’t really talked about recently, but you know, if you’re newer to the podcast or if you haven’t been following for a while, I really really think this is powerful for us to always kind of circle back to and discuss. Now, if you’ve never heard of imposter syndrome you know, let me, let me start over that part. If you’ve never heard of imposter syndrome, what I’m about to tell you might very well change your life. I know what changed mine maybe eight, 10 years ago. I remember starting to decide whether or not I wanted to quit my job and jump into entrepreneurship for the first time. This was long before I opened up my multimillion dollar company, inherit learning company.

And long before I had the TV show, the via, you know, any of those things. So it was before I had good wigs y’all I was still wearing synthetic wigs. Listen, a lot has changed <laugh>, but that said way back when 10 years ago, I remember being in corporate and knowing that I was deeply dissatisfied, that I had a very specific set of gifts that I, that were underutilized, underpaid and underappreciated. And I knew that I felt a call under my life to, you know, branch out and do more. But you better believe I was scared and we’ve talked throughout the podcast and we’ll keep on talking about the different reasons, why we’re scared to take things on and things that keep us from stepping into our purpose. But ultimately it boiled down to me feeling like it just wouldn’t work and it wouldn’t work because I wasn’t good enough that I maybe didn’t have all the skills and resources that were required.

And despite the life that I’d lived thus far, despite the things that I’d overcome through a traumatic childhood, through growing up in intense poverty, all of that, even though I’d managed to be the youngest person in my division to remove from the CEO of a fortune $500 billion company, I had just made the whole thing up and that I didn’t have the ability to do anything else and that I was always faking it till I made it. And that at any minute, at any point in time, someone was gonna pull the rug out from under me and that I just wouldn’t be able to actually be successful on my own. Well, I wanna let you know, standing on this side almost a decade out from that moment. That definitely wasn’t true. <Laugh> right. Everything that I did to get everything that I had, I’d earned, I’d learned I’d applied and I’d made it happen.

And I don’t say that, you know, as you know, I’m a Christian, I’m a God girl, not withstanding. I’m super blessed as well, but I also wanna just throw in that, you know, it’s very easy for us to discount our successes and a lot of the manifestation of that fits under something that has a real scientific definition called imposter syndrome. So imposter syndrome is the inability to internalize your own successes, despite the evidence proving that you had indeed earned them in their true. And it’s amazing how many women, minorities and people who grew up with very difficult backgrounds are affected by this. And part of that is because one, we may not grow up around examples of people who have done it. Who’ve been highly successful and were able to say, oh, okay, well, here’s the path they followed. And I followed that. So that’s totally normal.

And it also happens because oftentimes, you know, when you’re follow, falling into one of those categories, when you’re in the workplace or the workforce, our successes are often minimized and not celebrated completely. So what that means is we have a hard time realizing that the thing that we did was actually pretty outstanding and the place that we got, we really did earn through our own efforts. And so what happens is when it comes time to take on a new challenge, well, narratives form in our head that tell us, you’re not gonna be able to make it. And you can barely hold onto the thing you have and the job that you have now, you’re lucky to even have, and you’re just making it up as you go. And the minute you get found out, everyone will know you’re a fake and you don’t deserve to be there and, and you’re gonna get kicked out.

So maybe you shouldn’t even try. And imposter syndrome is damaging to your future friend, if you are listening, or if your littles are listening, or if you have you know, teens or kids out there or speaking into people’s lives, or even if you’re just a boss with employees, you gotta be on the watch out because the truth is, none of us knows what we’re doing. None of us we’re all placed into something for the first time. And that feeling of not knowing isn’t a sign that you’re not capable, not knowing something doesn’t mean you’re not capable. It just means that you don’t know when you’re hired for a new job. When I hire employees, like I’ve 16 employees in my headquarters in Atlanta. And when I hire employees, what I’m looking for is someone who has the general skill set and a little bit of a proven background to do the thing that I’m going to call them to do.

I’m not looking for someone who already has a mastery around the work, because honestly, if you’ve never worked for me before, however, you did it at your previous company, it’s not gonna work for me. You need to learn how to do it. Then Nicole Walter’s way in our company, cuz we operate with a certain level of integrity, expectations, service, all of that. So you’re gonna have to learn it all over again. Anyways, everybody comes in new. So what that means for you friend Beverly, is that you have to remind yourself that everything you have, if you’ve managed to figure it out, ask the right questions, use your resources, learn, apply, and, and get into your stride, so you’re having successes and a job becomes familiar. Well then yeah, that is the definition of earning your place.

That means that you actually do have the ability to be successful wherever you go, because you have work ethic, because you know how to show up, because you have integrity, cuz you have personal standards. Those are the things that make a successful person. Not degrees, not paperwork, not you know, approvals and certifications and awards and all those, those things can help. But at the end of the day, your true success is based off of you. And it’s so important to not let imposter syndrome tell you that you can’t be successful because it does keep you from going into new spaces. So one of the ways that I’ve learned to tackle my imposter syndrome is to sort of keep a here’s how you did it list. And here’s how you did it. List is whenever I’m finding myself saying I’m not qualified for an opportunity, I write down all the things I’ve done that match up with why I am qualified.

So if I hear my brain saying, look, there’s no way you could, you know, go to this casting opportunity for this show because you know, you’re not an actor. You’re not whatever. Well, first and foremost, I don’t just walk up to casting act opportunities. They’re given to me by my agent. So somebody already determined I’d probably be okay, so why am I unpacking it for myself? So I’ll write down, I’ll say, well, maybe they’ve never met anyone like you before. Maybe you have a perspective to give that people really need to hear. Maybe when you go in, because you’re a professional speaker, you’re still gonna do a pretty good job reading for whatever it is they’re looking for. Maybe this opportunity isn’t necessarily about what you have done before. And maybe it’s not the opportunity you’ll get today, but maybe you’ll meet the people who will connect you to the opportunity you’re supposed to have.

And you absolutely are qualified for that. You know? So I mean, I’m telling you, when you start writing down the reasons why every opportunity is something that you deserve or at minimum that you can show up to, it changes your perspective. You start realizing, look my belief in wanting to move onto the next thing or my interest in another opportunity is valid because it’s grounded in truth. So friend, you have to keep doing, doing is the answer to imposter syndrome. You have to tell yourself, even though my mind might be telling me that I’m not capable or qualified or deserving, I’m going to keep doing until I am proven. Otherwise, what you’ll find is that in the daily doing, you’re actually gonna find evidence that you’re worthy.

And in this week’s don’t make yourself content y’all. This one is actually pretty applicable to our DM question that came in. So I was scrolling through the internet. I don’t know about y’all I spend way too much time on the gram. And one of the things that popped up is that DeVon Franklin, I don’t know if you’re familiar with him. If you’re not, he was married to an actress named Meagan Good, who was really popular in the nineties, still continues to work, has had some really great shows and she’s known as generally being like a really like sweet girl. And I, a sweet woman she’s grown. I’m like, this is the mom in me that I’m always, everybody’s like, Hey kiddo. <Laugh>, she’s known for being a wonderful woman.

And DeVon Franklin is a I believe he may be a pastor or a minister is his background, his primary background, but frankly him and Megan, when they connected and became married, they actually built a brand around their relationship. And they released some books around why they chose celibacy until marriage. They released some books around why they chose celebrity until marriage and how they were choosing to structure their marriage. They spent a lot of time on the press circuit really discussing, you know, the value of their relationship and things of that source. They really did put their marriage out there. And at first I think people were a little bit critical, but down the line it became something where people were like, wow, this is a really great example of what looks like a healthy, successful marriage. And they both seemed like they were doing very well, but unfortunately after I don’t know the exact number of years, but I know that it was quite a few, I wanna say maybe six or seven, they filed for divorce. And that was recently I wanna say last year. And when they filed for divorce there weren’t many details given. It seems like it’s amicable. But essentially they both said that it’s, you know, it’s difficult. It was unexpected, but there’s a parting of ways and they both feel like it’s best if they go their second direction.

Now y’all already know I am not the one to judge <laugh> at all. Not just because I’m not a judger, but because I also, am someone who is going through this transitional process of you know, shifting from a marital state to a non marital state, you know, and it’s interesting because what is trending right now around Devon Franklin is the fact that he was just selected to be the marriage and relationship expert on a show called Married at First Sight for season 15. And there’s a lot of feedback around why on earth can he be an expert on marriage when his own marriage wasn’t successful? What is he going to teach these people about having a successful relationship when he is the byproduct of one that did not work and is currently processing a divorce, especially one that, you know, by all means may be amicable, but seems to be pretty painful.

So what I wanted to reference here is not the, is he or isn’t it? You guys know how we do this. Don’t make yourself con isn’t about coming to an end solution of right or wrong. You can go anywhere for that. What I wanna talk about is this idea that we can’t be an expert or have anything to offer. If we failed at something that’s bananas, y’all not only is that concept hurtful, it’s harmful because some of the best lessons come from people who didn’t work.

And I wanna tell you a story about one of my friends. So I went to Johns Hopkins university and it’s primarily a medical and science based institution. And a lot of my friends were engineers or pursuing a medical background. I, of course, was a polysci major because I’m not strong at math. And I just like being around smart people. <Laugh> but my best skill is like reading and talking. So I’m there, but all my friends are fancy man doctors, and one of my best good friends, Lucas, he is a premier biomedical engineer. He’s now a professor. He works in a lab. I mean, he is easily one of the smartest people I know and Lucas, you know, used to go into the lab every day as part of his work in college. And his job was to, he was working on a research project and I think it was around cancer, don’t hold me to it. You know, Lucas, if you’re listening, I, I don’t remember all the details of your experiment, but it was still important to me.

But you know, every single day he would go in and he would have to kind of work with some lab rats and like get some data, work on numbers, tweak things, all that jazz as part of this greater experiment. And that was part of his student gig. Well, I remember sitting down with Lucas one day and saying to him, isn’t it frustrating to think that you could spend your whole life working in a lab, trying to solve and cure and fix and treat these conditions and you could literally die and never do it. Like you’re already signing up right now. And I remember at the time we were, you know, so young, we were in our like early twenties and saying to him like, I mean how can you sign up for a lifetime of potential failure? I know, right? We’re really deep for, for younger kids. Aren’t we <laugh>, but this is me. This is Nicole Walters. This is the one who’s at target is asking people if they’re on their purpose. So Lucas looks at me and he says this, and I, I tell you like, I, I carry this to this day, cuz it was so valuable. Lucas said to me, I don’t look at it as failure because for every single time, one of my experiments doesn’t work out, I’ve taken an experiment off the board for the next person, which means that they’re gonna be one step closer to actually curing cancer.

And that was so powerful for me because it helped me understand that one, it’s all about perspective. He easily could have looked at it and said, oh yeah, no. Like, I mean, you’re right. I need to pick something where I feel like I’m getting a ready, obvious, clear, and apparent win all the time. He could have said that, but that’s not how he looks at it. And two, I also thought it was really impactful to hear him say that he understood that he plays a part in the greater picture and that his role, while it may not be the one that is greatly celebrated, he may not have the vaccine named after him. He may not be the guy who’s down in history books, but he recognizes that he is part of a process that’s tremendous.

And furthermore, there are people who did things before him, for him to get where he is. And all of this kind of comes down to this perspective around what makes an expert. I think in the internet space, so many people, and I’ve talked about this in season one. I have an episode say called the most valuable three words and a lot of people think it’s, I love you. Spoiler alert. It’s actually, I don’t know. And I talk about this there, where I say that, you know, being an expert doesn’t mean, you know, everything an expert means, you know where to go to find it. And we’re so quick to criticize people because their lives may not look a certain way, but we don’t understand that there’s a lot to be extracted from our various experiences when they don’t work. So granted throwing it out as a caveat.

I’m not saying that, you know Mr. Franklin is the best pick for this marriage expert. When it comes time to do casting, honestly, they’re looking for a name they’re looking for someone who can get in a press. They’re not necessarily look it’s TV show y’all, you know what I mean? They’re not necessarily looking for someone who’s going to give rock solid advice to help preserve these marriages. I mean, honestly, these people are throwing their names into a hat and being mashed up together to get married when they see each other, they’re not looking for a success. Y’all like, this is entertainment. But what I can say is that even though they’re not booking therapist, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s not a good fit because he probably has something valuable to add to the conversation.

Look for those of us who are married now or seeking to get married or in long-term relationships or recently divorced, we all know that relationships are hard. And a lot of the things that make them work are the same through and through. Communication, honesty, trust, faithfulness, integrity, vulnerability, all these things are overlaps that every single person needs to do and do well in order to have a successful relationship of any sort, whether it is platonic or romantic. And so knowing that I actually think that someone who’s been through a divorce can probably speak to that.

Listen friend, to be honest, if we live in a world where he’s not allowed to be an expert, even after you know, all the credentials he may have, or the years of being a pastor or writing a book about relationships and all that, then it makes me feel like I don’t have room for redemption. And then it makes me wonder, like where does any of us have room for redemption and the ability to speak to our experiences? I think that languaging is actually a little bit dangerous because it keeps people from wanting to share what they may have learned when they were delivered from their suffering and isn’t that how we help each other avoid the pits and get ahead.

I mean, I know that when I saw what was happening to my marriage and I was put in a position where I didn’t have a choice, I remember feeling obviously shocked, disappointed, overwhelmed, saddened, and at loss. And a huge part of what took me so long to be able to, I mean, literally it’s been over a year now. It took me so long to even be able to sit down and like vocalize it to you is just because of the fact that I didn’t want you guys to look at me and say, gosh, Nicole, like you disappointed us. We love your family. We love the idea of your family. We love the construct of family. And if you’re not able to do this, can you do anything right?

Y’all I was beating myself up so badly about it. When eventually I realized, you know, there’s a lot of learning I’ve been going through in this season, partly because I did not anticipate it. And as I mentioned in episode one, it’s been a season of starting over and I’ve learned that starting over is something a lot of us have to do often. Whether it’s through jobs or a new baby or, you know, a marriage, you know, and if we can share our secrets around that, we should, because we do deserve to have ease in our next chapters. And we do deserve to have support and love and grace, as we navigate this difficult, challenging life.

Life is hard enough, if we can get a roadmap or tips or tricks, who are we to yell or complain about where they come from, as long as it’s good advice and it’s rock solid and it can help move us forward, we should be receiving. So I know the conversation is around whether or not he’s qualified or credentialed or if it makes any sense. And I think that’s reasonable, but that should be based on clinical things. Is he a therapist? Does he have, you know, some background knowledge on mental health or does he understand those checklist items? I think that’s reasonable to evaluate, but if we’re trying to judge whether or not somebody can speak to a new experience or guide someone just because theirs was less than perfect, well if that’s the requirement, then I don’t think any of us are really qualified to do anything. And I don’t think that’s the case at all. God wouldn’t have delivered us from our suffering if he didn’t want us to use our story, to deliver someone from theirs. So friend lean in share boldly and know that whatever it is you have to offer from your failures is good enough worthy and needed.

Friend, so I am really excited to chat with you about this because I’ve been dabbling in it on social media. We’ve been kind of going back and forth in the comments and the feedback has been crazy because I didn’t realize how many of us held this idea, this mindset and how limiting it was for us. So growing up for me, I grew up in an immigrant household. So my parents were both really hard workers. My dad was a cab driver for 40 years. My mom, a secretary at a boating insurance company. And what that lent itself to was many, many years and many, many hours of sort of being a latchkey kid. If you will. I had a younger sister, seven years younger than me and the two of us pretty much were, were, we are besties.

I spent so much time in my youth, caring for her, you know, being home, making sure she had what she needed. And a lot of my experiences growing up, surrounded my parents working. Whether it was trying to figure out how to get a dollar, how to shift a job, how to fit in more hours. It was just work, work, work, work, work. And I know that for a lot of us, even those who, who didn’t grow up in intense poverty, but just had parents who were really committed to trying to change our way of life or at least keep up on the bills. We have that experience of our parents sort of being absent from working or focused on work or talking about work. And I also think it’s amazing because in so many conversations I’ve had with you a lot of us are trying to change that narrative for our own children.

We’re trying to create a world where maybe that won’t be the experience where we’ll be able to be more present or where, you know, our time that we are present is more meaningful. So, you know, cheers to all of us for working on that. But what I learned and what I really recall, which has been really poignant for me in this season where I am entering the world on my own. And it’s just me and my girls is that my parents just didn’t have fun. Like, I don’t think they would’ve known a hobby if it hit them. Like, yeah. They knew how to maybe meet up and have a cookout, you know, or maybe turn on some music and kind of dance here and there. And yes, there’s some joy in that. I’m not minimizing the joy in that, but I’m just talking about the moment of like the momentary joy, like watching a quick comedy show or like how we listen to podcasts, you know, to have a laugh or scrolling on social and laughing at a meme or, you know, just taking these little pockets of joy that present themselves through the day and allowing a little bit of indulgence and fun in order to keep us going.

And in realizing that my parents were just constantly on the, you know, workhorse of needing to push through and it’s about the daily grind. I didn’t realize the messaging was sending to me until recently. And friend, you may relate to this, and you may not even realize you’re doing it when I realized I was doing it, it blew my mind. But the messaging I was receiving and watching my parents kind of always put a primary focus on working and what you can get out from working and the next hustle and money and responsibility, the messaging I got growing up that I’m just working to dismantle is that there isn’t room when you are working and suffering, and life is hard, to fit in joy. That if you wanted joy, you had to earn it. And that joy was a distant destination that you were only allowed to, you know, receive and go towards, if you kind of battled through this hardship all along the way.

And if things were really, really hard, you’re expected to double down on the difficulty and reject even more of the joy that would present itself. So here’s an example, when I first started building a business, I remember thinking to myself that it had to be all daily grind and that celebration moments were only allowed around certain milestones. So if I didn’t hit a certain number, I was still on the grind and it was wild because all along the way I was hitting little milestones. Like I was you know, welcoming in new members or my people who had signed on to work with me through my products at Inherent Learning Company, they were hitting successful goals. They were making money, they were launching businesses. They were having things happening. But instead of taking the moment to celebrate those things, I always felt like it wasn’t allowed. And especially when things got hard. So I don’t know about you friend, but if I’m having a bad day, I have such an inclination to meet the energy of that day with what I feel like I’m supposed to do in response to fixing it.

For instance, if I was in the office and an employee came to me and told me that the software was down, something had crashed and you know, they needed to fix a portal or a system or something, I literally would not get up and go to the bathroom, I would sit at my computer, I would skip meals and I literally would work round the clock through the night until the problem was solved. Friend, ask yourself, have you ever held your potty too long? Because you felt like you had to get the work done first. This is not normal. <Laugh> okay. This is not normal. Have you ever skipped meals because you’re sitting at your desk, cranking it out?

And you’re like, the only thing that matters is the deadline. Now I wanna let you know that, yeah, we all have some seasonality where we have to push through and crush and get it done. But when that starts becoming the norm or where it starts becoming a response that you have to hardship or difficulty or challenges that you’re not even checking that you’re not even saying to yourself, Hey, this is a one off. And you’re just kind of used to it. You don’t even realize you’ve been holding your potty for hours and hours and hours, right? Because you just literally are like, I just gotta get this work done. You’ve gotta reevaluate the messaging you’re telling yourself around what you deserve. I mean, friend, you’re telling yourself that you don’t even deserve to go to the bathroom until you finish your work.

You don’t even deserve to go to the bathroom until you finish this thing for the kids, you don’t even deserve to go to the bathroom until you finish this load laundry. That’s just not normal. And it’s definitely not healthy. And it was something that I carried for so long and what it lent itself to was burnout. I was pushing myself through even normal bodily functions. If you feel like you can’t even get up and go to the bathroom, do you think that you’re gonna have the energy to say to yourself you need a break? Or you need a nap? Or you need a walk or you need a laugh? Or you deserve to go get a cocktail with a friend or a new outfit friend? Mamas, when was the last time you bought yourself a new pair of underwear? You’re still wearing the same three bras, cuz they’re your favorite.

You just pulled the wire out and you’re just moving on with your life. We deserve nice things. <Laugh> we deserve nice things. Seriously. It’s absolutely unbelievable how we reject the joy when we’re facing hardships. So just as an example of that, right now, I am out in the world. I am still trying to figure out what it’s like, because I have not been single since I was 22, you know? And so so long ago, and I don’t know how this works, but one of the things that I’m struggling with is attention from the gentlemanly fellows. <Laugh> this is why, how, you know, I can’t date <laugh> it’s cuz of this, this energy. And so it’s weird because part of me feels like, because my life isn’t all the way figured out yet, I’m not allowed to, you know, grab a drink with someone and because everything’s not all figured out yet, I’m not allowed to even accept a compliment.

I get weird about it. You know what I mean? Like, and not that I even know, or I’m ready to like navigate all of these pieces, but it’s definitely strange to me. And it was something that I had to bring into therapy and something I’m talking about with you now, friend, that I felt like my healing and my happiness could not coexist. That I felt like work and relief and joy could not coexist. And I’m not saying I have perfect answers on it, but I do wanna call it out to you. One thing that I do know is true is that we deserve, we deserve ease. We deserve happiness. Even if you’re at a funeral if someone tells a joke, especially about like, you know, the deceased or the relationships like it, you’re allowed to laugh just because you’re at a funeral, doesn’t mean you can’t laugh.

And I think that we’ve gotten to this place where we’ve put these parameters around ourselves, where we’re only successful or showing up in a certain way, if we perform in a certain way, which means that we reject some things that are very natural, healthy, and healing for us, that honestly could amplify our performance simply because we don’t think we’re allowed to have them. There was a novel concept that kind of came to me that has really inspired and forced me to embrace finding happiness in all the hard that I’m living right now. And it’s that, you know, life is hard, right, right friend, like we already know this. Life is hard, it is the meeting and solving of problems. It is, you know, at times it can feel like just suffering through, you know, life is difficult. We can accept that. We know this.

But also in knowing that life is difficult, one of the many ways that God shows up is in the pockets of joy, it’s in grabbing an ice cream cone, it’s in a friendly compliment. It’s in a nice 10 minute chat in the elevator. It is in meeting up with friends afterwards for dinner or briefly for a walk it’s in these little moments that seem like they might be too tiny to have any worth. But in reality, they’re exactly how God is showing up to remind us of the good that we’re always trying to pursue. It’s also where God’s showing up to say that the heart is worthwhile and believe it or not, the thing I’m really embracing is that if I allow myself to receive the joy that’s happening amongst all the hard, the compliment, the cocktail, you know, the guy winking at me saying, I look good. And I’m like, yeah, I do. You know, <laugh> like that sort of thing.

If I allow myself to just sort of receive that joy, even though it’s a hard day, well, that actually may help fuel me through the hard days. If you’ve been wondering why sometimes it feels a little bit too hard. It might be because you’re rejecting too much joy. So friend, here’s what I wanna encourage you, cuz I know that this part is working for me, allow yourself to receive. You are so deserving of the joy that shows up at your door. You are so deserving of taking a moment to watch that guilty pleasure reality show. You are so deserving of saying to yourself, you know what? I am gonna cut out 15 minutes early and I’m gonna just go for a walk. Before I go to my car, you’re deserving of sitting in your car outside of target for 15 minutes so that you can watch a TV show and eat those snacks in your glove box, girl, I do it too.

Sometimes these kids, okay, we do what we can do. <Laugh> but you’re deserving. And just like we may have received messages when we are younger, that there is a certain way that we have to respond to hardship. And there are certain things we’re allowed to have or not have. We don’t have to continue or pass on those messages. Cause we’re being watched too by our littles, by our friends, by our family on social media.

And so if we put out the message that you’re allowed to live life and deal with the challenges and the hardships or whatever, but you can do it with a smile and that’s okay, oh, that message gets passed on. And by extension, we’re making it a little easier for those that come behind us. And we’re teaching our kids in future generations that yes, life is hard, but you can be happy too. And the reason why you can be happy is because you deserve it. So friend today in all that you’re facing, in everything on your plate, and all the things that I’ve already arrived, and all the things that are yet to come, I encourage you to look for the happiness in the hard, because no matter where you are in your healing, in your growth, in your decision making you deserve joy today.

 

In this episode, I share:

• How to experience joy in the little moments, no matter what else is going on in your life,
• Why you don’t earn joy,
• My first experience with imposter syndrome and how it’s damaging to our futures,
• What my “here’s how you did it” list, and
• My thoughts on if a mistake or failure disqualifies you from teaching on a specific topic

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook and Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss episode 32 from season 1 where I talk more about owning what you DON’T know
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.