Family is Forever

We’re led to believe that the perfect family exists but it doesn’t take long to realize family is actually complicated and messy for a lot of us. For me, family has been all of those things and more and I still believe family is forever, sort of.

In this episode I’m sharing a personal story about my dad and why family, for me, is complicated. I know I’m not alone in this though and I’m applauding you for doing the work to be the healthiest version of yourself despite the hardship and trauma you were raised through.

Thank you for tuning in each week so we can have these important conversations together. I am soo glad that you’re here!

Head over to Instagram and let me know your thoughts on family, speaking your mind on social, and balancing all the balls in life. Send me a DM or share your thoughts on stories and tag me @NicoleWalters. 

Thanks for listening!

Nicole: Hey friend. I am so excited to be back again this week because I don’t know about you, but it feels like we are living in a perpetual state of, every week is a year. Like what is today? It’s like ca-turs-day <Laugh> like, it feels like a blur, but I’m glad that we get to always kind of have this point every Tuesday where we can come back. We can sit, we can kinda review what’s happened in the week and then maybe walk away with something that’s gonna help us in the future.

So today we’ve got some really good stuff to chat about and I’m not gonna lie. It might make you a wiggle a little bit in your seat or if you’re cooking dinner or working out while listening, you know, you might take a little moment where you’re saying to yourself, Ooh, I never thought about it that way, but this is very true to me, but I wanna let you know it’s gonna be worthwhile. So thanks for standing in the discomfort with me as we grow together.

But before we dive into that, I wanted to give you guys a chance to speak. Now, if you didn’t know in season three, we brought out this entirely new segment called slide into my DMs. And the reason we have this is because you guys are always sending me messages. You are emailing me. You’re asking amazing, incredible questions and I love that you trust me to be able to speak into your lives this way. So if you ever wanna leave me a voicemail and possibly end up on an episode, don’t worry. It’s anonymous. <Laugh> but you can go ahead and click the information in the show notes and just leave me a message because I love to hear from you. So this week’s question in the DMs comes from my friend Charise.

Hi Nicole. This is Charise. I have a question, with being in the service field. How do you adequately manage your emotional energy for all things that are important to you? So I’m a wife, I’m a mom, I’m a therapist. I’m building my business. I have consulting. I have friends and of course there’s me. And I want to go to bed at a good time. I wanna go to the gym to manage my emotional space, my emotional energy. And sometimes I’m thinking, yes, I’m doing a great job. And then other times I’m thinking I’m so depleted and I have no more energy. And I’m maybe even a little moody and irritated. So what are your best tips to manage your emotional energy and a service profession?

Oh, such a good question. And I know that we are always looking for answers to this one. Now how many of you are always hearing, oh, we gotta get in balance. We gotta keep things together. Look, I’ve got three bullet points that are gonna change your life friend. The first one balance is bogus.

This is not the first time you’ve heard me say it. Balance is bogus. And what that means is this. We are always going to be out of balance. It’s about prioritizing what matters most. So if we know that being at that school play or you know, being there on the first day of that science fair or bedtime routines matter a lot to our little ones or to our family or heck even for ourselves, if we know that we gotta have that girls trip or we do not wanna miss our weekly manicure. Well, I want you to know that that is a priority and you don’t wanna miss it, but know that everything else you’re probably gonna screw up.

Yeah. I said it you’re gonna screw up. You’re not gonna always be on time. You’re not always gonna be prepared. You will forget that book. That note, that file tech will fail you. I mean, things are going to mess up. Life is nothing but the meeting and solving of problems and problems are at every turn. But what I want you to know is that it’s okay to drop a ball sometimes, particularly when you’re somebody who’s responsible for juggling so many.

So this whole concept of balance that everyone’s trying to sell us a journal around or, or tell us that we need a new tool or some tech, it just isn’t real. All you can do is your best.

Now the second bullet point with that com ties right into the balance part. It’s called grace, God girl, grant yourself something, be generous with the grace that you give yourself because of the fact that you’re never gonna be in balance. You aren’t gonna be able to do all the things you are imperfect. Just like me. We are team hot mess express, and all we can do is be nice to ourselves when we get outta balance.

As soon as you accept that it’s gonna happen over and over and over again, you put yourself in a position where you can start instilling some forgiveness instead of sitting in this weird shame circle that we get into that actually prevents us from sort of getting back on the horse and getting back to it. And so it ties right into accepting that you’re not always gonna be all the things all the time to all the people.

Give yourself some grace, if once in a while, you’re, you’re a little bit less than perfect. If once in a while you miss the mark or if once in a while life happens and you’re doing your best to respond to it. That is enough.

Now you’ve heard me talk about those two things before, but it’s this last one that I have really started embracing in this season of my life. And if you’re just tuning into the podcast, if you’re new around here, or if you maybe have missed some of our earlier episodes, you know, I’m going through a season of my life where I’m transitioning out of my marriage, I’m transitioning, which you know, for those of you guys, who’ve done it. 50% of America has, you know it means you’re transitioning out of everything. You’re transitioning out of old titles, old ways of living, out of old habits, out of old dreams. And it’s a lot to leave behind and to rebuild and step into something new.

And with all of that, you better believe there’s a lot of juggling and balancing because you still need to show up, you know, as a mom, as a business owner for yourself in a lot of ways as a friend, because life is still happening around you. And so as I’m trying to balance and juggle all these things, yes, I’m doing my best to give myself grace. And yes, I’m aware that I’m gonna drop the ball on some things, but friend, this piece has changed my life.

This little tidbit has changed everything. The phrase, it can wait. Yeah, it can wait. And frankly, if it can’t wait, it was already broken.

What does that mean? It means that if you have a decision that you need to make, if you have a responsibility that’s on you. If somebody’s waiting for a file, a folder, a piece of paper, a check, mark, a signature, an opinion, a decision, you name it and they are insistent that you must deliver it now. If the world is asking you to respond at a speed of stress, well, guess what? You don’t have to give up your right to peace. You are entitled to take 24 hours to take a couple of hours, take a nap to sleep on it and then respond with your decision or with your perspective or with your action.

And here’s why this is so important. One, we make better decisions when we come from a place of ease and sure, you may still have some anxiety around that decision. And sure. It may not be a perfect decision, but you better believe that if you can allow yourself to kind of step back and then get back in there, it’ll be a better decision. And when we have so many things that we are juggling, it’s really helpful to say, look, it is six o’clock. I am tired. I’ve been working since 6:00 AM. A 12 hour workday is exceptional. I’ve done a good job. And my inbox is still full. Anything that is in my inbox, if I’m not able to get to it immediately, well, it can wait. And if the world blows up, if the client wants to quit, if the money runs away, because it could not wait for me to respond and reappear in a more rested state.

Well, that never belonged to me in the first place. That money, that opportunity you name it. Because the last thing you wanna do is train people to work with you in an anxious and urgent manner. The last thing you want is to respond and, and give up your right to peace as you operate in an already a crazy chaotic world.

And so for me, learning to not let other people impose their own stress and urgency on my life and to not match that energy, to basically look at people and say, look, if you wanna ride that rollercoaster of crazy, I’m gonna be right here, standing on the platform, holding the sunglasses and waving to you as you go by, I’ll meet you by the pictures. Okay? Like I’m just not taking that ride with you. And it’s changed my life. It really has because I am forced to make a million decisions every day. And it got to the point where all of them are important. All of them, all of them have to do with money. All of them have to do with business. All of ’em have to do with people’s lives. My littles, you name it. They’re all important. So all I can do is the best I can do. And guess what friend that is enough. And so are you.

Great question, Charise. I hope that helps and give some insight and more than anything, you’re doing great right now as you are.

So I have been loving the structure of our new season three, fancy pants. I’m in a studio. Look at me, I record a podcast. <Laugh> I love this format because it’s not just telling a straight story. Now, obviously, if you are tuning in for the first time, or if you’ve been listening for a while, you know that I always offer a story and you’re able to just like hop, skip around, listen to it in the car, pick it up, you name it. But these little segments are so fun. I love answering questions. And then I love this part: Don’t make yourself content. Because you know what? There’s so much stuff that we are exposed to day in and day out. There’s always something happening. And our lives are almost dictated by what this influencer or this blogger or what the new pop culture thing is being said on TikTok or you name it.

So, I think it’s great to be able to kind of talk about that in a real people way. That’s what I feel like we do. It’s kind of like me and my girlfriend sit in the car, talk about that cool thing we saw on the internet. So this week don’t make yourself content actually has to do with you ready for this. This is a tough one, politics. I know. You’re like, Ugh. <Laugh> you’re like, Nicole. No, but I want you to know that it’s not politics in a traditional sense. I’m not gonna sit here and talk red, blue, liberal, conservative, blah, blah. You can get plenty of that around the internet. And as you know, if you’ve followed me on any aspect of social media, I am team grace. I am team non-divisive.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t have opinions. It doesn’t mean that I don’t know right from wrong. It doesn’t mean that I don’t think that any type of form of hate or you name it is categorically not okay. However, it does mean that I’m willing to engage in conversation with everyone. Why? Because that’s how we get ahead. So saying all of this, I wanna talk specifically about politics and influencers.

Now, I don’t know if you guys have noticed about this, but there’s been like a whole turn of the tides, right? There was this whole, if you’ve watched the sort of influencer game, and again, I might be dating myself here a little bit, but when the whole influencer thing started on the internet where we were kind of following regular personalities and kind of watching their lives and seeing what’s happening, like not just the Kim Kardashian types, but like the regular mommy bloggers and all that jazz, we were kind of just tuning in for what they wanted to offer us.

Right? If they were telling us about a new recipe or crafting, or, you know, a baby trick or you name it, that was kind of what we were tuning in for at first. Then we were kind of paying attention to other things, new hobbies or relationships or whatever they wanted to be an expert in, but much like anyone to whom much is given much has become expected. And if you’re an influencer listening to this, you understand honestly, some of the burden that comes with that and the difficulty and the challenges of balancing that responsibility.

Hopefully you understand that, cuz it’s a big one. And if you’re a consumer, someone who enjoys influencer content or enjoys social media, you understand what you kind of have come to expect as you’re watching these people who have these platforms and these megaphones and have the opportunity to use them for good or for bad frankly.

And what I’ve noticed in the past maybe two, three years is that we are really putting a call on influencers or anyone with a microphone to use it well. And what happens is the using of that influence, well, it’s kind of ill defined. And now what I’m hearing from a lot of my clients and my influencer friends, and sometimes I feel a little bit of it myself, is I’m nervous to say things.

Now I’m not gonna sit here and talk about cancel culture or council culture or whether or not any of those things are okay, that’s not what this is about. We’ve talked about that in past episodes. You’ve heard my thoughts on it. What I’m talking about is the idea that we can opt out of having an opinion <laugh> that we can just say, look, this thing is happening and I’m just gonna continue to gloss by it and, and just act like it’s not occurring.

I gotta tell you if you’re an influencer. If you’re somebody who’s consuming content every day. There’s something a little bit weird about watching someone continue to deliver the same content day in and day out when the world is on fire. And I think part of the hesitancy, if you’re kind of consuming and watching and wondering why they’re not saying something, part of the hesitancy, I think from some to speak is because they don’t know what to say. They’re not sure if they wanna mess it up. Like they don’t wanna cause a situation, right. Everyone’s definitely afraid of being canceled.

But I think there’s also a little bit of that, our job has always been, right, the job of influencers has always been to provide an escape. That’s ultimately the truth of it. When you grab your phone on Instagram or you grab your phone on Facebook, you’re spending 20 to 30 minutes a day. That’s the average person. We all know it’s more than that. Let’s just tell the truth, scrolling through and looking for an escape from whatever moment we’re in, whether it’s standing in line or, you know, you shouldn’t be doing it, but waiting in traffic or in between, you know, meetings at work or in an elevator where it’s awkward. And none of us wanna look up at the number, you know, whatever it is, we’re looking for an escape and influencers provide that.

And it can be very difficult if you’re used to providing that escape through humor, through recipes, through fun baby content, through fun family content to suddenly be called, to speak on something that may not be in alignment. And frankly you may not feel qualified to speak on. So I wanted to offer something, one to those of us that consume this content every day. And two to those of us that create this content every day.

Now first to our creators, because actually the burden is on us. If we’ve been chosen to have this platform and it is a privilege and an honor to be able to have a microphone, it’s to know that we aren’t allowed to escape it, but we are allowed to be human. So I gotta tell you whatever it is you believe whether it’s politically or values-wise or morally or whatever, I’m gonna tell you the truth, be that, be that and be that entirely.

There are people who will love and support you if you believe in killing bunny rabbits, okay? Which categorically I do not support. <Laugh> buddies are cute. I’m here for fuzzy things, but I will let you know that if that is what you believe in that you will find your people and it is much easier. And here’s what I’m getting at. It is much easier to live a life, being authentic to you.

You don’t have to worry about being canceled. If the people following you, aren’t gonna cancel you. You don’t have to worry about whether or not you’re gonna lose your income, if you’re being honest and true to who you are, odds are. If you’re presenting an image of something that is so drastically different from who you really are, that it’s only, then that you’re not able to speak to issues as you really believe. And speaking as someone who also consumes content, I’ll let you know that one thing I’m aware of is I would rather know exactly where you stand so I can decide where I wanna stand.

So if you are a racist, I’m saying it out loud. If you are a racist, let me know. I would love to know so that I can choose not to be in that room. So I can choose not to support you. If you are saying that these are your belief systems, be clear about it. And frankly, if you have belief systems that you’ve held onto that you are open to changing, we can’t change ’em if we don’t know about them. The truth is as much as it may be weird to own up to the fact that as a creator, we bear an additional responsibility to speak to global issues, political issues, social issues, things of that sort, all these things do impact us in our daily life, which is why we’re expected to speak up to it.

We are not exempt from being part of this greater world. We’re all tied together. So we have to speak to it. Now, some tips on how to do that because I’ve had to do it is one present as yourself. So you know whether or not you see me in a full face of makeup or you see me in a bonnet and pajamas, what you see is what you get anyone who’s consumed my content or listen to my podcast, knows that I’m very big on being like, look, this is who I am. I am imperfect. And I know that’s hard because it’s like, oh no, Nicole’s got like this fancypants life. Or she wears shiny things or she has impeccable eyebrows or her skin is just like, what are even pores? Look, God blesses us all in different ways. <Laugh>

No, but seriously, like I do understand that sometimes it can be super weird when you’re watching someone live a certain life thinking, oh yeah, sure. They’re saying they’re I perfect. They’re playing vulnerable, whatever, but it’s true. I try to let you guys know I’m a hot mess. I can’t figure this out. I’m not perfect. Like even with all the things that I’ve done, right, I’ve done a lot of things really, really wrong. Like my marriage, not so hot right now, you know, my weight just figured out how to get that under control.

You know, like I’m literally just navigating through life. But the thing that I know I’m good at is I’m good at getting up and trying again, I’m good at figuring out solutions and I’m a rock star when it comes to business. That’s what I’ve done for a living in corporate America for over 10 years. So I do know where I’m strong and I lean into that and that’s where I try to support people, but I don’t try to pretend to be the answer for everything.

And that’s really lent itself to me being very clear about where I do speak up whenever a political, a social or a moral issue comes up. And if you’ve ever tuned into any of my content on Instagram, if you don’t follow me there, it’s at Nicole Walters. But if you ever tune in, I do these things called tough talks and you can see them on my highlight reel, just go ahead and give it a click through. And you’ll see that my tough talks basically are around any social issue.

But the way that I try to do them is consistent with me. Instead of me feeling like I need to give some cool political statement or some perfectly worded phrase or that I’m supposed to research everything and know exactly where to send people and do everything flawlessly. I literally just try to have a conversation with my friends, just like we do here, where we talk about how we’re feeling.

And we hold space for the fact that we’re all different people and that we’re doing our best with whatever we have in front of us. And ultimately we all wanna be safe and we all wanna feel comfortable and we all wanna feel respected. And we all wanna feel hopeful about the future and anything that I have a conversation around, moral or political, is from that space. And it’s worked really well for me. And if you listen to any of that content, I hope that it inspires you as well to realize that shame is not the best way to get action out of anyone.

But I also hope that if you’re a creator, it gives you a little bit of inspiration on how you can address issues and that you don’t feel like you’re in a position where you just can’t say anything and you’re frozen, or you do say something and it’s the wrong thing. But no matter what I do want you to know that silence actually isn’t an option that it really would benefit you to start thinking now about how you’re gonna speak to social issues, because they’re gonna keep coming up and the call over you and your business to be a leader in one of those spaces is not going to silence itself. It’s only getting louder. So if you’re a creator and you’re wondering how do I approach politics and things of that sort, start working on it. And I hope my tips help.

Now, this is pretty quick, but for my consumers, for those of you are like, look, I’m not in this Instagram game. I’m not out here. You know, trying to put myself on, you know, a platform where people can judge me or whatever. I just wanna let you know, the only thing I ask from you, the only thing that I think we have any responsibility for as people kind of absorbing other people’s content is grace.

You hear me say it all the time, grace, grace, grace just be generous with it. And part of that is because I think that a lot of times we forget that we’re all evolving people and evolving people means this, the person you were at 20, and I think you know, it’s hard to believe cuz like obviously you’re thinking I’m 25, which is crazy, cuz I do pretty accurately remember all of the nineties.

But that said, I think you can relate to this, the person you were in your twenties, so different from literally even 25 and like so different from who you were at 30 and so different from 35 and so different from 40, 45. I mean you changed so much in just five year increments. I look at my life and I remind myself that eight years ago, eight years ago, just eight years ago I was married. I did not have three children. I had a business that was just starting. I had never had a TV show. I didn’t have a podcast. I had no employees. I had no corporate headquarters. I’d only been to LA just a few times for a couple weeks of the year. Y’all my life is so different now.

And that was just in a span of eight years. I mean it is night and day and above all else. There was no pandemmy. I mean talk about not seeing something coming that, you know, completely change everything for everyone. And so knowing that you’re consuming content from real people who are real humans, who honestly are guaranteed to be flawed and imperfect, no matter what they’re presenting on the internet. And that if you are feeling like they’re presenting an image of perfection all the time, it’s likely based in insecurity and fear because of the judgment and the lack of grace that is not being given abundantly in this world.

And so if there’s anything you can give to people, it’s a little bit of grace. Now, I’m not saying don’t hold them accountable. Hear me on that. Save me from the message of my DMs. I’m not saying don’t hold people accountable. I’m not saying don’t call people to the table to make a call and make a decision and make sure that they’re, they’re really aligning with their best version of themselves. But I’m just saying, you know, give us a little grace as we kind of fumble through it because isn’t that what we all want.

So I’m just letting you know, there’s a lot happening in the world and it’s not letting up any time soon, but the best way to avoid making yourself content is to start looking ahead and planning your content. Figure out where you stand now so that you’re ready when the time comes to make it clear to everyone where they should stand too.

So this segment today, just like I said at the beginning, is a little bit more personal and I think that it may give people little more feels and it’s something that I could be completely honest, have not spoken about anywhere. The only people who know about this are people who are close to my family and actually I’ve been writing about it a lot in my book that is due to come out next year in late summer, early fall.

It’s being published by Simon element. That’s an imprint of Simon and Schuster. And I’m super excited about the book because it is real, a real deep dive into how I got here and and even more, a lot of color around how I’m getting out of it. And I’m talking more about all the things, <laugh> all the things, but it’s also inspiring a lot of feels that I wanna share here because I think the information, the lessons you guys can’t wait for a book for, I think some of the stuff you guys need now, so this episode’s called family is forever. And the reason why I called it that is because ironically enough at least for my family, that’s what I always believed, but that isn’t the case.

And I’m not talking about the family that you guys know, you know, I’m not talking about you know, my littles or you know Josh, my ex, you know, like I’m not talking about that. What I’m talking about is my family, I grew up with my mom, my dad, I have a sister, I don’t know. I don’t talk about her much, cuz she’s very different from me. She is as much as I am a, “I wanna run up and hug people in target and at the checkout I’m like, oh my gosh, hello? Are you living in your purpose?” She is the opposite.

She gives me lectures before we go into store. She’s like, Nicole, if we walk into this target and you talk to anyone, I will leave, I will walk away from you. <Laugh> like that’s who she is. And for any of you guys who are extroverts, who grew up with like hyper introverted siblings, you understand the pain, right. Of having a sibling who doesn’t wanna get into the mess with you. So that’s my sister and that’s why you don’t really see her around on social media cuz she’s just not with the life. But I do have a younger sister and my family’s really small. It’s just the two of us. And then my mom and my dad. And I don’t talk about them much on social. You don’t see them much on social.

My parents, I retired to Ghana, West Africa about, oh my gosh, I guess it’s been about eight years now, maybe nine years. I was their first request after I made my first million in my business. One of the things we talked about was kind of mom, dad, what do you want? You know, like what does it look like for you? What does your future look like? And they were pretty adamant that they just, you know, my dad had been driving a taxi for over 40 years and my mom was a secretary at a boating insurance company and they just, they were ready to kind of go back home is how they described it, go back to Ghana and you know, be with their family for those final years because everyone was aging and that was easy enough to grant.

So they’ve been living in Ghana for close to 10 years and you know, they come back and forth pre-pandemic of course. And it’s all good and great. But you guys have heard me do sort of my mom’s accent and you’ve heard me talk about how my parents are tough on me and critical and always talking about babies and, oh, I’m getting nervous. I don’t know if you guys <laugh>, I don’t know if you can hear it in my voice kind of quivering. And my hands are actually getting sweaty, but it’s because I don’t talk about this a lot, cuz it is it’s hard. I joke a lot about my parents and I joke a lot about my family about my mom and my dad and their hearts were always in the right place. But my relationship with my dad is not a good one.

And it’s a lot to say that out loud. But it is something that I wanted to share because you know, my dad has had Parkinson’s disease for about, I’d say about 30 years now. It was early onset.

He got it in his like mid to late forties. That was when we first started seeing symptoms of it. And when my dad was first diagnosed, I ended up having to assume a lot of responsibilities as the head of the household, particularly financially. And at that time I was in my late teens, early twenties.

And I talk about this in detail in the book. So I’ll spare you, you know, your ears and your time now, but the, what I wanted to get to is that you know, my dad’s not doing so hot, you know, and he’s older already. He’s 77, you know what I mean? So you know, that compounded with Parkinson’s disease, which if you’re not familiar with it, it is a terminal disorder. Muhammad Ali, the boxer, if you’re familiar with him, he had it. And it essentially just, the best way to describe it. It kind of freezes up your body, you know your brain is sort of being eaten away, kind of like cottage cheese, it’s just deteriorating. And if you were to look at a brain scan of someone with Parkinson’s, you see a lot of dark shadows because different areas of their brain are kind of deteriorating and dying.

And it’s really sad because it’s slow moving. But you can see sort of the loss of your ability to walk kind of depending on where, your goal is to preserve that brain tissue, right. But depending on where it starts dying, that’s what you start losing. So if it starts dying around your eyeballs, you lose your vision. If it starts dying around your speech patterns, you lose that. If you start dying around like your ability to walk, you lose your motions. And you know, people don’t know how or why you get Parkinson’s. They don’t know if it’s hereditary necessarily or not. But you know, it’s pretty it’s pretty tough to watch someone go through, especially cuz my dad, we share a lot of similarities in terms of being extroverted and being quick movers and quick talkers and all that jazz.

And it’s tough, you know, to see him really turn into just a shell of himself. So that’s not easy to see, but what I wanted to talk about was that I did not have a great relationship with my dad growing up and actually my whole life and I am not very familiar with what he went through growing up or how he became who he is. And I think that some of us can relate to that. Can relate to having parents that we may not know as well or as intimately or as closely as we’d like to. And for those of you guys who don’t relate to that because you do have that type of close relationship, I really hope you cherish that because it’s rare, I think.

And if it’s not rare, like by golly, you know, for those of us who’ve gone through it, like aren’t we tough cookies, but essentially what I wanna let you know is that I think that there’s this thing on the internet where there’s so much pressure around the perfect family or the vision of the perfect family, or even if you’re an immigrant or the child of immigrants or, you know, Southern or traditional, or you come from this background where these dynamics exist where you firm expectations that we either need to sort of take it with a laugh, you know, or that we need to sort of acknowledge that like, well, you know, it was good intentions and from a good place, but I just kind of wanna call out that, you know, a lot of that stuff can be harmful.

You know, having a parent that doesn’t readily know how to display love in a way that is traditional and clinically understood by, by a child can cause impacts. It can affect your decision making around partners in the future, which certainly affected mine. It can affect your ability to see yourself and your sense of self-worth and your self-esteem in the right way. It can be part of why you won’t go after certain goals or believe in your ability to accomplish things. It can also be why you overwork yourself and why you stress yourself out or why you feel like things you’re doing are inadequate and that all is rooted in and comes from, you know, that background because your parents are the first people to lend you belief when you don’t have your own, to put the world into a context that you can understand.

It’s a heavy responsibility and I’m not faulting the parents who necessarily didn’t know how to do it, or have the resources or tools or had other stressors, but it doesn’t change the fact that the responsibility is theirs and as a parent, myself, ours. And when you lack that it does impact you. But one thing that I don’t think we talk about enough and what I wanna share here is the expectation compounded on that of us to pretend or act or display as if we do have a good relationship with our parents.

And this was illustrated to me recently because as I was sharing about my dad’s condition, he’s deteriorating pretty quickly. And I, I, we don’t know how long he’s gonna be around. And in saying that, I know that for some of you, the first reaction is, oh no, and you know, thoughts and prayers and, you know, Nicole, I’m being with you and all of that’s very kind and received and generous, and God bless your empathetic and compassionate hearts. And that’s why we’re friends here because you’re so incredible.

But I also wanna let you know that for some of us, who’ve had parents that weren’t so kind. And for some of us, who’ve had parents that may not have the best relationship or for some of us that had parents that were downright abusive and harmful and that we needed to separate from and that was probably one of our boldest and bravest moves we’ve ever made in our entire life to get ourselves safe. We may not feel that way. We may not feel a sense of loss. We may even feel a sense of relief.

We may feel, or have had to work really hard to feel compassion towards the first people who are responsible to love us, instead harming us. And I just wanted to speak to that twofold. One, if you’re like me and you’re in that place where you’re dealing with the complex feelings of having family relationships that people typically are like, that is always your mother. You need to love her. That is always your father. You need to forgive him. I just wanna let you know that I’m kind of in it with you.

And just like you, I am dealing with the complexities of the emotions that are associated with that. And I just wanna let you know and hear for me at least that whatever you feel is valid and you are entitled and allowed to work through those emotions and you do not have to respond at somebody else’s expectation when they don’t have your experiences. And that’s critically important to understand because your relationship and how you reconcile that, how you feel when you sleep at night is your own. And so does that mean that you need to make it all good or forgive? I don’t know. You know, I know I’m still working through forgiveness in certain areas.

The thing that I’ve landed on, just being completely honest and candid for me is, you know, here’s a person who caused me a lot of harm in my life and impacted me greatly. And I say this to say that it’s also part of what makes it complex with parents is I also have a lot of gratitude towards my dad, which I know sounds bananas, cuz you’re like, you’re talking about this guy who did this, this and this. And again, when you read the book, I think you’ll understand more cuz I go into some specific stories that I’m sure will make some of your jaws drop. Like Nicole, how’d you get here. But you know, here’s someone I still have gratitude for because he was so tough on me that I was more than prepared for what the world would throw at me.

He was so hard on me that I definitely developed a sense and a belief that I could pretty much take anything on because I had to, I was living in a house of horrors where I, it was necessary for me to be able to be tough in order to deal with the day to day. And you better believe that I had to develop a solid belief system because I did not have someone who was putting that in me and telling me I could.

So as awful as that is, I have gratitude because you know, he did help shape me good or for bad in a way that allowed me to show up in the world in the way that I have. But I also had to make some very distinct decisions on things I would not replicate and that I wanted to be, you know, used by God to be a force for good. My dad isn’t a Christian, you know, and I don’t say that too, for anyone who’s listening, who’s not a Christian, to demean it. I’m just putting it into context as someone who is a Christian and believes in, you know, the goodness of God and the value system of tolerance and fairness and you know, grace and all of these things.

I did not grow up in a home where those things were echoed to me by my father or supported by my father or even displayed by my father. So saying all of this for those of you who have complicated relationships with your parents and are often feeling like all the messaging, whether it’s through social or through your friends or through your peers or through influencers, is all about family being perfect and respecting and getting in there and fixing and repair.

I just wanna let you know it is a journey and I just, if I’m gonna be the only person who’s gonna say it to you, I’m gonna let you know, like I’ve got complex relationships too, and I’m still working through that. But more than anything, I wanna also applaud you for doing the work day in and day out to not be that. And I’m trying not to get choked up about it, but it’s true. You know when you’ve had such a complex upbringing in that way, that’s also compounded by, not for everyone, but for me, poverty and trauma and you know, all those other things.

It’s a lot to say I’m going to be better. Even if I don’t know how. I don’t have examples, I don’t have a mentor. I don’t have someone to ask, but I am going to be better. I am going to figure it out and I’m going to do it differently. I’m not going to raise my children in a home where fear reigns. I’m not going to raise my children in a place where they don’t hear I love you. And they aren’t hugged.

You know, I’m choosing to do it differently because, even though I don’t know what that is, I do know that it’s what’s right. And it takes a lot to be that person. And so you know, to all of you, you know, who are hearing that, I just wanna let you know that’s big and I’m proud of you.

Now I also wanna talk about the other side of it, which this whole family forever thing. I’ve always been really proud of the present day, right? So I took you back to move you forward. You know, the present day, having this incredible family, I’ve got these three incredible littles you know, that are turning 11, 20 and 23 this year.

And you better believe that after if you haven’t heard, this is episode one of season one of this podcast, the story of how I got my girls. But having become a mother in the most unexpected way and definitely not planning for it and three sisters at one time. I mean, it not only has changed and shaped me in every way, but it’s given me so much peace because the classic traditional family that I saw emulated on social media and TV that I knew I never had in my own life. I also learned very quickly that it just doesn’t exist. It just doesn’t exist. All these perfectly curated photos of, you know, people on the beach with khakis and white polos and their golden retrievers.

And you know, these matching Christmas pajama photos that just hit the internet. Like those families have issues too. And we gotta stop being so shocked when they have those problems, you know, come to center stage because their families and families are complex. You know, and if you’re gonna have like three or four kids, you better believe one of ’em is gonna do something disastrous. Like it’s just how it works out, you know?

And I am just learning and I’m hoping that all of you’re embracing that this whole family is forever, sure, you know, you don’t divorce your kids family’s forever, but what I will and you don’t divorce the, the connection, you know, whether or not you choose to have that family member in your life actively based on your personal boundaries and what’s needed is one thing, but you don’t divorce or remove or cut the connection. You’re always gonna have that blood.

But I want you to know and hopefully hear and embrace that what your family dynamic looks like, that is not forever. It is to your advantage to embrace the idea that your concept of family will need to evolve. And I’m hoping you can hear me when I say this. So many of us deal with pain and struggle when we realize like it’s time for the kids to move out, or I’m going through an unexpected divorce that I was not ready for, did not ask for. And here I am, you know, and I need to figure out what I’m going to do because my family doesn’t look the same. Or we adopted a kid and holy cow, our family looks different. We weren’t planning that five years ago, and now we got a baby, you know, or I have a family dynamic and we have a spouse who has addiction, or we have a kid who has addiction issues, or, you know, we have a grandfather who’s a narcissist or abusive or whatever.

I just wanna let you know that holding onto your image of family, looking a certain way as forever is not helpful. And no matter what’s being reinforced out there all the time, I wanna let you know that the truth is whatever family you have and how you’re choosing to navigate it with therapy, with prayer, with good old grit. That is great. And that is amazing. And if your family looks like you and just some of your best friends pulling together for holidays and doing the best you can, because you had to create a unit of love because you just didn’t have one that you were automatically born into. That’s amazing and impressive.

And it’s still just as valid as the 2.5 kids with the picket fence and the dog and the mom and the dad. And all of that. If you have a family, that’s a dad and a dad or a mom and a mom, or, you know, a grandma or, you know, just one mom or whatever it is, you know, all that matters is that you have somebody who loves you, who cares about you. Who’s showing up every day and giving you their best and know that that is going to evolve too.

I remember seasons of my life which, you know, this is what I was writing about just for the past two days where I was writing about how it felt like my family was my teachers. And for all the teachers out here, you already know if you followed me before on social, I’m a pretty vocal advocate for teachers and for protecting them in so many ways and forms because teachers for me, they protected me.

And having teachers who noticed when I came to school and like my hair was a little frizzy and not done, or that I was at the Scholastic book fair, and I didn’t have money to pay for books. And so they picked up one or two items for me or that you know, I never ever brought, you know, a breakfast or a snack and they always had something extra in their drawer. And that’s not teaching, that’s parenting, you know, that’s love.

That is being there for someone that is treating and acting and, and receiving me as family and as an extension of self. And you know, and I realize now where I am today in a place where, as I’m looking to build a new life and embrace what may be a second life, you know, I thought I was already in a family that would stay the same forever. And I’m learning that, you know, I may just be taking pieces of that family, me and my girls, and maybe building something different that is gonna last awhile, you know, and hopefully a really, really long time. Right.

You know, but I hesitate to say forever. But I just hope that it lasts a long time and before it changes again, you know, maybe I’ll adopt three more kids. Maybe I’ll have a couple more kids, you know, hopefully we’ll see. But you know, these are all things that I just really wanna share with you to know that I hope and pray that your family is everything that you dream it will be.

And I hope and pray that you don’t deal with anything that is indicated by heartbreak or by, you know, medical challenges or addiction, or even just like personal life changes or goals or diversity, whatever, you know, I, I pray that those things don’t come into your life because they’re difficult, but life is difficult. You know, life is hard and we’re really, really good at solving problems. And I have a strong feeling that if you’re listening to this now friend, you know, as we listen week after week, you’re probably listening and thinking about a family thing right now.

You’re probably in your head right now. Like, yeah, you know, I’m dealing with this with a kid or I’m dealing with this with my sister, or I’m trying to figure out how to, you know, start this conversation topic. Or I really wish my husband or my wife would do this or my partner. And I just wanna let you know that don’t get too caught up in what it should be and that not being enough. And instead focus on the fact that you are always surrounded by opportunities to welcome more people into your family to show love and be love and know that the greatest thing is that you don’t have to be alone.

That family is something that can be created and it isn’t any less valuable. It isn’t any less impactful. It isn’t any less meaningful or fruitful than the one that you were born into.

So friend, while I know that it can be a downer to deal with the family stuff day in and day out. I want you to know it’s your journey. Don’t let social media dictate how you do it. And definitely don’t let social make you feel bad about it. You are doing the best you can, and that is always enough. And if nothing else, I’m in it with you and we’re doing life together.

 

In this episode, I share:

• A personal story about my dad and why family, for me, is complicated,
• Why I believe family is forever but we have to let it evolve,
• My thoughts on how you can manage your own energy and time while pouring into others, and
• Why silence isn’t an option for those that have a platform online

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook and Instagram!
• Record a voice message for me here
• Get the background story on how I met my girls HERE!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Make Good Choices

If there is one thing I’ve noticed in the last few months it’s that I’m just not the same me that I was pre-2020. Are any of us?!

Friend, in this episode we’re chatting about how everything has shifted and why it’s okay if we aren’t performing in the same way we once were. It’s okay if who we are now, isn’t our “best self.” We have a choices to make though and in this episode we talk about how to make good choices. Before we dive into that though, I answer a question about whether personal development is at odds with our faith or beliefs. You won’t want to miss this lesson because it can be applied to sooo much!

Head over to Instagram and let me know how this episode resonated with you! Send me a DM or share your thoughts on stories and tag me @NicoleWalters. You can also record a voice message for the show HERE! 

Thanks for listening!

Nicole: Hello everyone. I am so excited to be back again this week with another chat. And what’s been awesome about our time that we’ve been spending week after week is we are not only growing together, but man, are we laughing together? I have loved hearing from you on Instagram and some of you are tweeting me and I’ve gotten emails and you’ve had the best things to say about our conversations and what I love.

Every single one of you has mentioned that your favorite thing is that week after week, you know that whenever you come here, it’s going to be something valuable. So sometimes we’re talking about things that have to do with our personal growth or about our families, or I’m over here sharing how I made a hot mess of something.

And you’re like, I’m really glad I’m dodging that ball. But I also like that, you know, we’re, we’re still laughing and we’re still keeping it light. And we’re still acknowledging that life is complicated. Difficult, but man, is it generous? And we’re just trying to build these grace-filled conversations to help us get through and do it together.

So I’m excited. You’re back. I will always be here because we are just having a blast together and don’t forget that if you want to give me feedback on anything we chat about here, you can find me on Instagram and all around social media at Nicole Walters.

And it’s a great place to just obviously make this a two way conversation with me, you think, uh, but you also can leave me your Q and a questions. I mean, I, the way you guys slide into my DMs on some Nicole. I’m about to fire this friend or Nicole, my business is driving me crazy. Or Nicole honestly did, was I team too much on this issue with my kid or is my teenager actually nuts?

Either way. I love hashing these things through with you because. Once you give me some insight, you make me think about new things in different ways. And to, you know, if there is something out there I have probably been through it. My life has Ca-razy, so I’m happy to lend whatever I’ve been through to help you get through your stuff.

So definitely send those to me and know that the details are on the link in my Instagram for you to send me a recorded message, or you can just slide into my DMS and we’ll chat about it at the beginning.

Now this week, our Q&A. And it’s a good one because if you’ve been following my Instagram stories, you know that I was talking recently about how I am working on my perspective on life. And the perspective part really has to do with knowing that life is difficult and it is complicated and it’s generous and good, but it is just going to be throwing you curveballs. And so what I’ve been working on is sort of, how am I responding to this and how has it impacting my productivity and how I show up in the world, et cetera, et cetera.

So we’ve been having these conversations on Instagram, and I got a message. And I have this question, and this is the question that we’re going to talk about today. Just like our “Slide into my DMs” question because it’s such a good one. Now the question was Nicole, I feel so uncomfortable reading personal development and self-help books. And the reason I feel uncomfortable is because I call myself a Christian and it feels like some of this advice just doesn’t align with my faith. I just don’t know how to balance out personal development, the things I’m seeing online and reading and books, and my faith. How can I feel like I’m not cheating on Jesus? Now y’all honestly, this is a great question.

And for those of you guys out there who are not faith-based, you know, people, I just want to let you know, everybody’s always welcome here. I say this all the time, because it is the truth of true things. Even though I am a Christian, even though I am a believer, I want you to know. Without a doubt. You are absolutely welcome here because that is the truth, right?

Like that’s what it is to be a good Christian it’s really is to accept everyone and to be tolerant. And to know that there is space for you and your beliefs and that you can be loved just as you are. So you are welcome here, but I also want you to know that no matter what your spiritual or religious belief system is, personal development is.

Awesome. If you are listening to these odds, you probably are all about growing and using the tools that you can get to be better at life every day, but all the personal development and self-help is, is learning from other people’s mistakes. The people who’ve already gone out there and try different things, taking knowledge from them to see how to apply it in your life.

And that’s how I came to personal development kind of late. I don’t know about. My parents are from Ghana, West Africa. Right? And you, you may know this. If you already follow me on social being the child of an immigrant, my parents already had my life mapped. Mapped out before I was even born. I was supposed to be a boy.

So let’s just talk about accuracy, right? I am. I’m throwing curve balls everywhere. Right. But my parents, they knew right out of the gate, they were like, you know, you are going to grow, you will be a doctor. And you know, if you have time, you can also go to law school and all these things will be good for you, you know?

And after you have finished your degree, maybe multiple degrees, definitely doctorates, you know, you can maybe have triplets. You know, just do it all at once, because even if I can help you, you know, you can bring the child to Ghana. I raised a child, you know, and then also return a child to you maybe at 80 years old.

This is my mom. Right. And just to be clear, y’all you already know I am a successful multi-million dollar business owner and my mom still tells me, you know what, there’s still time for you to go to medical school and get a real job. Okay. So I’m telling you that personal development saved my life because I have parents that are all about the traditional path in life and that, you know, this is how you do it. And there’s no reason to ever worry or modify or deviate from that path. So personal development for me, and hopefully for you, haven’t looked into it before for you could very well be the ticket to helping you develop the mindset that you need to approach whatever. Thing or dream or purpose or feeling that you have that you’re trying to really explore. So that’s where I think the value in personal development comes.

Now also as a Christian, one of the issues that often is spoken about in the world in general, Or for anyone who has any sort of belief system, is, does personal development kind of conflict with that? You know, if we are supposed to be getting all of our guidance through sort of our faith or our faith-based leaders and all of that, you know, does personal development conflict with that. Our people telling us that we should believe more in ourselves believe more in our like faculty. Books then we should believe in, you know, our belief system, biblically or church wise, or, you know, through Christianity and faith.

And, um, here’s my take on it. I read personal development books and I use them in a way to figure out the tools to apply the things that I already want to attain based on what I feel is God’s call on my life. If you are a believer, if you’re somebody who’s always said to yourself that this is something that matters. And particularly for the person who sent this question, I want to let you know that it’s already written in the Bible that we’re supposed to use something called discernment. And if you’re not a faith-based person, the concept of discernment is still going to be valuable to you.

Discernment is essentially this, whatever you hear out there. Take it, listen to it and determine if it makes any flipping sense, right. Apply it to what you know to be good and true. Put it through your gut check knower before you decide to execute on it. That is discernment. And I’ll talk about this more in different chats, and I’m going to bring on a few experts about it and a couple of other episodes. But one of the things I’ve been worried about this day in age in general is how many of us are putting things through discernment before we execute on it.

We see something on Instagram, or we hear some influencer talk about something and we’re swiping our cards and changing up our whole life. We’re trying that diet plan, or we’re buying that waist trainer. We’re not putting things through the filter of, does this make sense? Is this, does this matter to me? What are my morals? What are my values? Does this align? Is this the way I want to show up in the world? And I want to let you know. You know, when you sent this question in. About whether or not personal development can align with your faith, it sure can. Because whatever it is that you’re learning or hearing, you can always put it through that checker, you know, the same way that you would anything else and say, does this align with what I know to be true around how I want to show up in the world? And that’s exactly what I do.

So if I am struggling, you know, and saying to myself, oh my gosh, I’m really struggling with, you know, motivation. Well if I’m reading a personal development book that says, well, if you need to be motivated, you need to see the value in money because money is the only thing that matters in the world and anything you should be doing is for the dollar and money is all that matters. Well, guess what? That may be what that author believes in that book or that influencer, whoever that fancy pants person is who is taking a picture in front of a rented Lamborghini. That’s not what I believe. I absolutely believe that it’s about a higher calling and I believe that money is just a tool, right? It is just an earthly tool to help me do heavenly good. Right? So, because that’s my value system, I can maybe take in what they’re saying, which is okay.

You know, the general meat of this is that money is important, you know, in order to get things done, but I can spit out the bones.

I don’t need to, to consume all of it because money isn’t all that matters. And you have discernment too. So, I want to let you know that if you’re looking at personal development or self-help, and you’re thinking that this is the thing that is, you know, the pastor in your life, right? Like that influencer’s quoting the Bible and they’re saying all these things and you know, it feels like they are the church that you’re listening to, or the thing that you’re worshiping or the thing that matters to you. Where you become so obsessed with everything they’re saying and doing that you’re no longer putting it through your own discernment, yeah personal development is going to be a problem for you because it really is stepping in the place of your faith, your belief system and your own knowledge. That’s not okay.

Even if you’re not a faith based person, if you find yourself basically looking at an influencer, worshiping them, wanting to be everything that they are and saying, oh my gosh, this is it. Then you’re missing. The mark person of almond is nothing but a guide. And everything, even the stuff that I say to you guys should still go through your personal checker to see if it fits for your life. So I love being here with you week after week.

I love hoping that we’re growing together and that from my stories and the things that I’m sharing, we’re avoiding mistakes and being better in the world. But I also want you to know that I’m not perfect. I’ll be the first to say it. I am a certified hot mess express, and I want you to take whatever I say. I want you to chew up the meat. I want you to spit out the bones. I want you to take what’s going to work and help you grow. And I want you to take the rest of it that doesn’t apply and say, you know what? I’m glad that worked for her, but it’s not going to work for me because that’s how I know that we’re building a real friendship.

It’s one that helps each other grow, but isn’t all about you should do what I say. And that’s what every influencer out there, if you are one of them, who’s listening, you should be doing that too.

So I love that question and I think it’s so, so valid and we never want to confuse great personal development with faith based learning because honestly your pastor shouldn’t be dipping in that pool. And your, your favorite influencer personal development experts, shouldn’t be dipping in the church pool. We got to keep the things separate to make sure that people are clear on where they’re going. And no matter what you have the ability to check it for yourself.

And that brings me to my favorite part, Don’t make yourself content, now, you know that I am not the world’s best pop culture guru, right? Like, I don’t know a busy girl. I got these kids acting up and being crazy. I have a wig collection. I have well, exfoliated skin. These things take time. I am busy. Okay. But what I can tell you is as a, um, increasingly older and refined woman, you know, if it makes it to Facebook or it pops up on my timeline, I’m going to know about it. Right? And so I want to talk about the things that I do talk about because they are relevant. I want to get my commentary on what’s going on in the world. And the thing that popped up recently was this whole rumor about how Rihanna and ASAP Rocky broke up.

And I don’t know if you heard about this. So first of all, if you’re someone who’s like, I don’t even know who these people are. Rihanna is everything. If you don’t know, she is the billionaire CEO and founder of a lingerie collection. She is a music artist. She’s got a phenomenal makeup line. I mean, she really has everything. She’s partnered with designers to become not just the face and muse of their brand, but to help with designing collections, she’s considered a fashion group. I mean, she is all of the things and one of the things that’s great about her, just, you know, for saying that. She’s pretty unproblematic. You know what I mean? Which is really nice.

You know, I think that a lot of us, when we’re looking for people that we can follow that seem to have a pretty strong, moral leaning, you know, and are just not messy. I mean, nobody’s perfect, right? She’s very much a human and I appreciate that more and more, you know, living in LA and meeting people all the time. She’s very much a human and just a regular person trying to be your best in the world, but she’s pretty unproblematic, meaning like she stays to herself. And, um, it’s cool. Cause you know, she’s living her life out loud, you know, like anyone else and, uh, she’s pregnant, you know, with her first child and much like if you recall, beyoncé’s first pregnancy, it is news and it’s amplified news because our Rihanna, unlike the rest of the world, you know, uh, is pregnant and fashionable because everything she does is on a big scale and uh, and it’s being covered everywhere.

She’s finally stepping out, uh she’s in designer things and the father of her child is another popular rapper and long story short, you know, the world’s been sort of tracking the arrival of this baby and following their relationship closer than ever. And this, um, I think within the past couple of weeks, there was this rumor flying around that they had broken up.

And this was shocking because, you know, there were no signs of an impending breakup and there were no signs of there being sort of trouble in the waters. And, um, you’ll hear me say it time and time again. I do believe that we are way overly obsessed with people’s relationships. Um, way too much. We get way too invested. We get way too obsessed. We feel entitled to every detail. And honestly, you know, it really isn’t our business if they broke up or not, but that said, that’s the industry.

And so this is flying around and it is making all the news because people are like, oh my gosh, like her baby is coming soon. And they broke up. This has bananas. Fast forward. This was one of those rumors and gossip things that only lasted a couple days, if not a couple hours, because very quickly it unraveled, the other woman that was kind of implicated in this situation, issued a statement within a couple of hours saying, listen, this whole thing is a total lie.

And it wasn’t one of those statements where you’re like, oh yeah, it was a total lie, but you’re just saying that as a cover. No, no, no, no, no. She was like, this is a total lie. It is not true. Um, not only have I not seen the father of her child, not only have I not interacted with them this way, I am friends with Rihanna. Like, none of this is even remotely true and furthermore, all parties involved were like, this does not make sense. So it was such a quick and clear denouncement of this lie. And it was actually fairly unified in everybody saying like, look like this doesn’t make any sense, that all the people who were sort of promoting this, the bloggers, the people who kind of picked up on it quickly started kind of tracing the source of it.

Like where do we even hear about this? Because we all kind of heard it and we thought this is good juice, and we’re going to kind of run with it, you know? And it all trailed back to one tweet. One tweet that came out by an up-and-coming gossip blogger who shall remain unnamed because they offended the queen Rianna.

So there’s one gossip blogger who kind of put out this one tweet saying like, oh, rumor is they broke up. And the reason they broke up is because of this woman. And, uh, and here are the facts that I’ve heard around it, you know? So alleged facts that I’ve heard around it, so on and so forth. Well, once that part came out. This person issued a retraction. Now this is what’s really unusual. I can honestly tell you this rarely happens in the Hollywood space because frankly, once something’s out there, it pretty much is what it is, even if it’s not true.

Well, this retraction was issued where the person basically came out and said, very clearly I never should have spread this. It’s not true. I thought it was. And not only was the source not valid, but I think I kind of amplified and embellished it. I screwed this up. I totally made a mistake. It’s not true. I hold myself accountable. I made a mistake, yada, yada, yada. Yikes. So let’s talk about how they made themselves content.

First things first, the lesson in all of this is how quick are we to rush, to sharing information, whether it is spreading the good tea or sharing a detail from a book that we read or sharing a new strategy that we may have learned in a webinar or something like that, recording something we heard in a church service.

We’re so quick to repeat something that we’ve heard without letting it sit with us for a little bit or taking it through a validation process. I got to tell you that is something that we all can learn from. Nothing is harmed by waiting 24 hours to sleep on it because we’re so quick to try to get the attention and the validation and the, the, okay, the permission, whatever.

We’re so quick to get that thing that we are now rushing to judgment. We’re rushing to comment and we’re rushing. First with the news, for whatever reason and social media hasn’t made it easier. So quick to get it out there that we hit submit so fast that we end up regretting not having gone through the checking process and setting ourselves up like this.

Now, the one thing that we can say this person did great was they came back and apologized. I mean, they Crow and they did it publicly, you know, so. Credit to them, you know, for being able to own it because they didn’t have to, um, I don’t know if it’s going to prevent litigation. I don’t know if it’s going to keep them all the way good. No matter what, you know, at least they came out and they did the right thing. And I think there’s something to be learned from there. I’m hoping that this is the new direction that, you know, the people who engage in gossip and the people who are on, um, you know little side forums or in comments or in DMs or all these different places, these blogs, these videos that have an inclination to try to build their business on the backs of harming others and, and fabricating things, or even taking assumptions and embellishing them for the sake of conversation, without regard for the harm that it can. Cause, you know, I’m hoping that they can understand that now, you know, people are willing to engage in lawsuits and people are willing to reach out and say, it’s not okay.

And that there is some merit to taking a minute to validate the things you’re saying before you say them, because it really isn’t worth one, ruining your character. Integrity is so stinking important. It’s just not worth it. And two, if you call yourself a blogger or whatever else, well guess what, you’re a gossip blog or whatever else is only as good as people believe the garbage that’s on it. I mean, yes, it’s true. If it’s entertaining, that’ll get you some fame, but it’s when you get it right, that you really get popular.

And the truth of the matter is if you’re out there spreading things that aren’t, aren’t valid. You know, there’s a big difference between having a gossip site that’s first with the entertainment info, like TMZ and having a page like National Enquirer that we all know as a joke, because it’s just bigfoot on the front and it’s sold in a grocery store, you know? So I got to let you know that if there’s anything to learn from this situation, it’s one check and recheck before you open your mouth, to spread, if you’re going to do it at all. And two, if you make a mistake own it and do it fast before you’re slapped with a lawsuit or worse lose your good name.

So yeah, that was a hot one this week. And I remembered thinking to myself, oh my gosh, we’ve got to chat about it. There’s so much to learn from this. And more than anything, I know that person wishes they did not make themselves content.

Oh my goodness. So, I have been going through it this week. And we’ve been talking about this, uh, on social and you know, as I mentioned earlier, we were talking about some of the new books that I’ve been picking up because I am kind of working through something. And it’s great because as I was chatting about this on live, I was like, oh my gosh, I cannot wait to chat about it with all of you here because you guys told me I’m, you’re not, I’m not the only one going through this, that this is something that really resonated.

So what I want to talk about today is really like all the things that have changed. Right. And how we’re looking at the perspective of change and as you guys know, you know, I’m a mom and you know, that was weird for me. And, uh, you know, right now, like I’m living apart from my husband in LA and you know, that is weird. You know, like everything I’ve done in my life is unconventional. I’ve lost all this weight. My body’s different. I used to work in corporate, now I’m an entrepreneur. I mean, I have really changed a lot over the past several years and, um, And it’s interesting because having gone through these very distinctive phases of life, I’ve got a lot of me’s that I can look at.

I’ve got a lot of me’s that are out there. And, um, what I can tell you is when the pandemic came and I think a lot of you guys can relate. Everything changed so quickly. And at first I think most of us were like, oh, we can all use this welcome break because we’re all being sort of jolted out of our habits and our patterns. And maybe we can use these two weeks or these, you know, cause we all thought it would be two weeks, right? Two weeks or a month or whatever to, you know, to relax or to maybe pursue some things that we’ve always wanted to pursue that we never got around to. And, um, for some of us, that was exactly what happened.

We started gardens. We learned how to make sourdough bread. Uh, you know, we picked up hobbies, we started businesses, but for some of us, we just kind of slept, we relaxed, we spent more time with family and, um, all that stuff was good and great for a short while. But then after that, we realized that we really needed to learn how to live in this new existence, whatever it looked like. And, uh, before you know it, a lot of things started changing in a more permanent way. Uh, we really started to question our jobs. We started to question, uh, you know, our schooling. Do we want to, you know, actually keep our kids at home since this is what it’s like, or we’ve discovered new gaps in their education, or, um, you know, for some of us, our bodies changed permanently.

We put on pandemic pounds and now we’re saying to ourselves, do we like the way we look and, you know, we don’t feel the same way. Um, if you’re like me, you started realizing how much you hated wearing hard pants. You know, sweatpants are where it’s at. Why on earth are we ever wearing jeans who invented them? They make no sense. You know?

But you know, one of the things that happened is kind of an outcome of all of that was I just was kind of like, gosh, like I don’t know how I ever did all the things that I did before. And I don’t know if any of you guys are asking yourself that, but if you ever looked at your previous life, you know, pandemic life was still a very hard lift, but we were lifting less. If that makes sense. Like, I mean, yes, we were still adding on the homeschool and kind of working from home. And we were doing things in a weirder way, but it wasn’t the same lift of things like, oh, I also have to commute. And I also, you know, like it was a little bit different type of lift that was still very heavy, especially emotionally, but the lift was a little bit different and I don’t know about you. And it wasn’t the same for everybody.

Some people were lifting more, particularly our doctors, our service workers, our essential workers and you know, so much respect to all of them because they were doing all the things, which, you know, God bless them. Um, we’re not worthy and a lot of them still are, so appreciation to you. But I know that, like for me, the biggest question that came up in the past couple of weeks is why am I not operating the way that I used to?

Why am I not as effective as I used to be? And I found myself spending weeks, I mean, literal weeks kind of beating myself up. Saying like, man, you used to be so much more fit. You used to do such a better job with getting things done. You used to be so inspired, girl you used to go live three, four times a day. You used to be on social posting. This often used to, you had so much fire around. And I’m asking myself, well, is it because I’m just like, not as into it anymore, is it, I mean, it’s a cycle and I know for a fact, some of you right now are sitting there nodding like, yes, girl, like, you know why?

Like I used to do so much, I used to do this. I used to look like this. I used to feel like this. I used to do. And then you start asking yourself, well, maybe I’m just not into my job. Or maybe I’m just not into my purpose or maybe I don’t like this career anymore. Maybe I need to, you know, find a new diet plan. Maybe, I just really felt like I was kind of grasping at straws for the thing that I felt would give me new fire, because I was just so displeased with where I was.

And I have to tell you. That it brought me to this thing, this, this thing that I didn’t realize, but it was like an awakening for me. And it’s what I’ve wanted to share with you. I realized that we talk all the time about comparison, all the time. Influencers do not compare yourself with others. You hear it all the time. Don’t look at someone else and think that should be you. You don’t know their story. Don’t compare to their business. Don’t compare to their body. Don’t compare to, you know, their lifestyle. Your walk is your walk, yada, yada, yada, we also here coupled with that, you’re only competing with you from yesterday. You only need to just try to be your best version of self.

Well, I don’t know about y’all, but from a grace-filled perspective. I just want to throw out the idea that maybe neither one of those is right. Maybe I shouldn’t be comparing at all. Like at all. Maybe the me that’s here today is good enough. I mean, sometimes it feels like we’re spending so much time chasing the next thing, the other version of self. And we’re not spending time realizing that the person who’s here today may be doing their best dang best. Okay. To try to face what’s in front of them today. And that’s okay.

I mean, think about who you were before, like pre-pandemic. Even if you were your better version of self, even if you felt like you were more productive or hitting on our marks or more creative or whatever else, look that person was facing a different world. That person never knew that they may have to work from home for hours. That person never knew that they would also have to simultaneously teach their kids. Honestly, the person who you used to be was facing a different set of issues, an entirely different world. Different fears, different, different obligations.

So it’s really unfair for you to compare the person today that has a whole new set of problems, a whole new set of expectations, a whole new set of obligations with the person that existed before. You are not the same. You’re not the same. You’ve been through things and it’s oh, K that you aren’t this.

It’s okay to possibly write new goals, right? New expectations, right. New grace for the person who’s here today. Now I want you to know that comparison with your old self is still just as damaging as comparison with others because that person is out of reach. They don’t exist anymore. And I got to tell you that for me, when I think about what I need to do. It’s not giving me a pass and I’m sure some of you are thinking well, okay, well, if I’m not trying to beat the best version, you know, be the best version of myself by competing with my old self, then what does that mean? Does that mean I’m just okay to stay here and not grow? No, it’s not that I’m just saying that maybe your goals and the things that you’re trying to aspire to and obtain should take consideration for the things that are in front of you right now.

So what does that mean? For me, and I’ll say this pretty openly, you know, I may not be 22 anymore. Okay. Hypothetically, right? Like I may be, you know, in God’s eyes 25 or so, but an earthly eyes, I may be a little bit older than that mathematically, significantly so. So knowing that that’s the case, it’s not as reasonable for me. I don’t, you know, for, for those of you, a women of a, uh, more seasoned age, like, like myself, our bodies are different. I don’t know about you, but the energy that I had when I started my business at 26, you know, it just doesn’t exist anymore. Like, it just isn’t the same. And it isn’t an issue of, oh, workout, more, eat, different nutrition, wellness, herbs, supplements, all of that.

Yes. Those things can help preserve your body. Yes. Those things can help you, you know, show up a little bit better than the best version of self, but my body doesn’t operate the way it used to. My recovery time is longer. Everything is different, stuff hurts. I hear my knees in the morning. Y’all like they sing, you know what I mean? It is like pop, pop, pop, like it’s just real life. And for me to sit here and say, well, why aren’t you approaching your business the same way with the same youthful vigor where you’re, you know, staying up for 24, 48 hours at a time trying to crank it out because I’m not the same body. I’m not the same person.

And so when I wonder why I’m not going live three times a day, well, maybe my priorities have changed. And the truth is, they have, and maybe the same thing applies to you. Have you ever thought to consider that maybe where you are in any given moment is exactly where you’re supposed to be. And that that’s enough.

I know that for me, that’s something I try to remind myself all the time that my time is not wasted if I’m choosing to use it resting. My time is not wasted if I’m playing with my kids, instead of sending 10. My time is not being inappropriately used. If I decide that I want to take myself to go get a manicure or pedicure or do something nice like that for myself, rather than, you know, spending time going live for 10 minutes.

And you guys heard me talk about it and episode three, about the boundaries around my family and my babies and my business and privacy, you know, part of why I’m not going as live anymore is because my values have changed around what matters to me and what I want to keep to myself and what I want to share publicly as I am growing and developing as a person. And so understand that if you have changed in general, which cough, cough you have, you know, it’s natural that your expectation goals, deliverables, and output, right? What you put in the world, it’s going to look different too.

And so what’s been helping me in first, accepting and acknowledging that, which I’m hoping that as you’re listening and as we’re hanging out here and chatting about this, that you’re, you’re accepting that too, that you’re really saying to yourself, friend. Um, and I mean this in all, in all friend friendliest ways, I really hope you are accepting that it is not okay for you to beat yourself up for not being able to go as hard now, as you used to before.

That there is no magic. There is no, you know, uh, amazing personal development thing. That’s going to suddenly turn you back into your old fiery self, where you’ll get your old fire back. That just doesn’t exist. But what I will tell you is that there are new ways you can approach where you are today to still accomplish the things that matter to you most, but it starts with giving yourself grace around letting go of a former self and embracing the one who’s here today. Also because friend, lean in, the person who’s here today is a flippant super hero. You got through a pan-demi. Okay. Like it was not easy. And you did all of that. The best you could and you survived it. You are here right now. We may all have battle wounds, we may all have scars. We definitely all have some trauma, but we’re still here. So this person is a new, strong, relevant, worthy, deserving version of self.

But we also are going to have to approach things differently. So if in accepting that the question then becomes how? And for me, I instantly started doing my heavy research. I start reading things cause you know, I’ll be the first thing. I’m not an expert. I don’t know all the things I prefer to, you know, I know business businesses, one of my jams, like if you that’s the place where I can speak to, but when it comes to other things, I’m pretty much a hot mess.

So, you know, I start looking around and I. I’m inclined towards data, numbers, scientific evidence, things like that. I don’t necessarily just want what the cool hip hashtag is. I want the real deal. And the book that I found is called Choice Theory. And this book is written by Dr. William Glasser. And we’ll have details about it in the show notes, if you want to pick it up.
But, you know, I tell you, this book has opened my eyes and it sounds cheesy, but we’ve been talking about it over on Instagram and the stories y’all. It’s such a simple concept that I think a lot of us here in some of us may hear today for the first time, but you probably heard it before. It basically comes down to how you look at it.

How are you looking at the problems that you’re facing today so that the right person is meeting the same problem? And choice theory is all about that. It’s recognizing that a lot of us are trying to change our situation by controlling things externally, meaning, well, if I just build out a better schedule, if I get better at time management, if I get my family in line, if I get my kids to listen, if I could just get my assistant to act right. If I could just get my husband to do this, if I could just control all these external factors, then things will get better internally. I’ll feel better about myself. I’ll finally hit my goals. I’ll finally have the tools I need. I finally have the investors, the money, whatever. And the truth is it’s just not it.

It just isn’t. And I know some of you right now are like, no, no, that’s not true because if so-and-so did this and it would be better, you all, it just isn’t it because here’s the thing. People will do whatever they want to do. You cannot control them. Even if you think that they’re going to be compliant, even if you think you’re going to make a perfect plan. People are unpredictable and they will go rogue. And even if they understand, agree and believe that what you’re telling them is true and the right thing they should do and the plan, they will still do what they want. That is just a fact of humankind. So what does that mean? It means that we all need to muscle up because the world is not in our control.

We all need to muscle up and learn how to make a choice when we are faced with the unexpected to look at that in the best way possible. And if we can get really, really good at our positive perspective choice muscle, then we can actually build out the ability to still show up on a regular basis and hit our goals and accomplish things. So a simple example of what this looks like. I was saying to myself all, all for like the past, honestly, couple of months, man, I could really use a big win. And I don’t know if some of you guys have already said this, like a really big win, like, gosh, am I can just get like, God give me something tiny, man. Like, let me book this piece of press or let me book this speaking gig or let me do whatever.

Like, please, God, her, let me get that big check-in or just, just a little something to say that like, you know, I still got it or I’m still in the game or that it’s working out. And I say all of this to y’all, like I say, all of this y’all. I wasn’t posting, I still was posting wins. It’s just that once you get to it, you know how they say new levels, new devils are Mo money Mo problems.

You know, I’ve gotten to a place in my life where the type of what I consider a win is, you know, pretty hard to attain and I require a lot of work to do it, you know? And, but I do remember the days where I was like, if I can get this kid to pee in the potty, it counts as a win. You know what I mean? So, so I, I hear your mom is a big win can look different for everyone. But my point being is I was sitting here saying like, gosh, I just need a win. So that I can still know that I’m still in this thing. And here I am constantly praying and wishing and hoping for somebody to give me a win without realizing like wins are created, I make them. And then I’m saying to myself, okay, well, fine. I need to make a win, but where’s my old fire.

I can’t make a win, I’m not creating content, like I used to, I’m not showing up. Like I used to what’s wrong with me. I used to this. And then I got into that comparison trap about how I was failing myself. And then. I said, look, there’s something wrong with my mindset because the truth is, the truth is y’all and you guys know this too. There’s food in my fridge. I have a roof over my head. I have clothes on my back. My kids are healthy. I’m healthy. Everything is well. It’s imperfect. Trust me. Each of those categories has its own version of hot mess involved in it. But ultimately I am here. Which means that nothing is wrong fundamentally.

So that means that the anxiety, the stress, the guilt, the shame that I’m putting on myself that does not serve me. And that is actually standing in the way of my big win, is in my mind. And if it’s in my mind that I’ve got to change my mind, I’ve got to, I’ve got to work on my mindset. And that was when I picked up this book, I said, what’s going on? And the book basically tells you that, look, if you are trying to think that your solution going to come from this external control, you need to realize that you’re actually choosing to look at your situation from a place of misery. You’re choosing misery. And I want to be clear that what’s great about this book is it also allows, you know, uh, for privilege, right? Let’s be completely honest. Some of us really are in situations that are very difficult. Um, you know, having had a daughter who had stage four cancer and going through that process, you know, there’s, you can choose on how you want to look at cancer.

That is still a truth, you know, but some of those diagnosis days and some of those days where. You know, for anyone who, God forbid, if you’ve had to go through this process, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Some of those days get pretty dark, you know? And, um, and no one’s ever gonna say that you’re choosing that misery, but you can choose how you want to show up to it. You know, do you want to show up to it with optimism? Do you want to show up with energy? Do you want to, you know, do the best you can to drum up what you’ve got to give it your best fight, if that is what you are indeed choosing, fighting.

So when I looked at my life, you know, situation, which is nowhere near the battle that cancer is, I was like, oh my gosh, you know, I’m choosing to say every day that I need a win as if I’m not winning right now, I’m choosing every day that, oh, I’m not performing or showing up as good as I have in the past. When in reality I’m living a life that is beyond my wildest dreams and is such an incredible privilege. I literally am living, breathing, enjoying, and experiencing the things that I had prayed for at one day. Mamas, when your kid isn’t going potty, remember the day is that you were holding that kid in your room and praying that you get to hold them in your arms.

Understand that even though we are in those hard moments, we can choose a place of gratitude. Now it doesn’t mean that we have to ignore or be toxic positivity. Everything’s perfect. Everything’s good. Nothing is ever wrong. That’s not true. Gratitude and grief can co-exist, but understand that the shame that comes from comparing our old selves to our new selves, particularly to the extent where it stops us from moving forward. Well, that doesn’t serve you at all. That doesn’t serve anyone. And so this book has changed my mind. It’s changed my mind and it changed my life.

And I just want to ask you what choices are you making today that are going to help support you? The you that’s here right now and actually getting where you want to be tomorrow. At a minimum, are you choosing to grant yourself grace, when you acknowledge that you have changed and been through things and that you’re doing the best that you can because you’re deserving of that grace.

You’re deserving of the opportunity to bring the person who’s here today into these new problems and do the best he can and know that if it doesn’t work out, you got. You earned it, you fought the good fight and you’re still showing up. So friend, that’s what I’m doing. I’m choosing to be beyond grateful as I always have been really for my situation, but being really grateful for the fact that the world is conspiring to meet me.

All I have to do is get ready because for both of us, our names are being spoken about in rooms with opportunities and, and positivity and all the things that we need to succeed. It’s being created. It just hasn’t arrived to us yet. So this whole perspective that we need a big win or that we aren’t showing up enough. Well, let’s choose together today, tot to buy into that, not to let it stand in our way. We’re going to choose to move forward, be grateful and be thankful for the who we are right now, because that’s enough.

It is a daily battle. Every single day life brings you different things. But my gosh, it is so worth it. Life is so, so good and so rewarding and I’m hoping. That as we work through these things day in and day out every single week that we’re able to say that we’re showing up better and that we’re showing up at all and that counts for something.

So this week I want you to go out. I want you to make good choices.

 

In this episode, I share:

• My thoughts on personal development and how I use it in connection with my faith,
• How to filter any advice you receive to ensure it’s FOR you,
• What I’ve noticed in myself and from chatting with you about post-pandemic life,
• Why it’s so important that we use our choice muscle to make good choices, and
• How to accept ourselves exactly where we are, even if we aren’t performing the best we ever have

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook and Instagram!
• Record a voice message for me here
• The book I mentioned, Choice Theory by Dr. William Glasser, can be found HERE
• Don’t miss the recent episode I did on boundaries HERE!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Letting Go

Ya’ll we are tackling a topic that we do not talk about enough today and that’s letting go of friendships as an adult!

In this episode you’ll hear from a new friend of mine, Alex, on a transition he recently went through where he had to let go of an old friendship. We chat about how to know if the people around you are helping you to grow or keeping you mentally stuck and what to do about it!

Before we dive into my conversation with Alex, I answer a few of your questions. I love how we can connect in this way so to send me a voice message, go HERE! 

Thanks for being here and listening each week, friend! 

Nicole: [00:00:00] Hey, y’all I am so excited about our chat. So even having every single week, these are good. I mean, if you are just tuning in for the first time, make sure you go back and listen to our last episodes. They have been just dynamic and full of information. Honestly, I always talk about how social media is living life in black and white. And what’s great about these conversations is that they’re full color, you know, we’re able to dive in deeper, share more, and, um, it’s just been really great chatting with you guys and learning and sharing and all the good stuff. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Now, uh, recently we’ve started sort of our, I don’t want to call it the new format, but just keeping it kind of spicy. So this isn’t just storytime situation and our chats. Now we’re handling a little bit of Q and a, so you guys are asking me amazing, incredible questions that I’ve been so excited to give you answers for whether it is the tough talks or, and things that you’re dealing with in your life or your family or your business.

Um, or just asking me questions about what you’ve seen online and you want to know more and, you know, I always aim to be as [00:01:00] transparent as possible while still respecting my boundaries and my family’s boundaries. And then also making sure that I’m always sharing with you what I do know, uh, when I know it, because oftentimes people have a tendency to share their scabs and not wait until they’re scars, you know, and I always like to make sure I have a full understanding of what’s happening before I get out there. So it’s great because these questions are really helping, I think, deepen our relationship, but also help everyone get a clear picture of not just what it looks like to build a business and manage a family and grow as an individual in this world, which is Lord knows what we’re all trying to do, but also, um, hopefully improve all of our lives.

So I appreciate all of you. And I’m so grateful that you’re here week after week and this week’s chat. Oh, my word is so, so good. So, well obviously kickoff with little Q and a, and we’ll talk a little bit about not making yourself content, but then we’re going to chat because we have a special guest now, you know, I don’t do a lot of interviews here but [00:02:00] I really only ever want to introduce people to you that I think have valuable stories, not just valuable names, not just valuable accomplishments, but real messages that I think are going to add value to your life. And there are so many different podcasts you can listen to that are playing on who’s the big fancy pants person, but honestly, we all have a worth in this world. We all have experiences that we’ve been delivered from by God’s grace that we can share from. And that’s what I’m excited to share with you.

So today’s guest is incredible. I’ll let you learn a little bit more about them later. Someone I ran into randomly here in Los Angeles because the city is full of talent and full of stories. And all I could think was you have got to come on here and talk to my people. Um, my friends would love you, and there’s just so much to do that you’ve been through that can really, really help them where they are today. So stick around for that instead of our usual story time. Um, I’m going to have someone special on here who’s going to just blow your minds.

But before I do that, I wanted to answer some questions from y’all because you are amazing. You’re always following me on Instagram at @NicoleWalters. And if you know, I always post the link up there. So you guys can leave me a message at any time and you can leave me a voicemail. And then if you leave a voicemail, I may answer your question here on the podcast. And there’s no limit to what the questions are. So, I mean, honestly you can hop on there and leave whatever you want. And, um, I just try to get to them when I can get to them. So, uh, this question came in from Jamie and I’m so excited about it because it’s a business question, which is so fun. And I also think it’ll help a lot of you guys. So let’s hear what Jamie had to say.

Jamie: Hi Nicole, my name is Jamie and I do taxes. I work at a family practice. It’s my parents. And. Two of my daughters and one of my daughter’s friends and year-round, it’s just my parents, me and my oldest daughter and the other two girls. Um, we’ve just taken them on this year and we don’t really have work for them year round, but we would love for them to come back next year.

And so we don’t really want to lose them. So we’re kind of trying to figure out what we can do. Um, either a way for them to, they can, they could use our office space, but maybe there’s some work that they could do by themselves to support themselves, but then still be available to come back to us next year. Our practice is in a retirement community and so my dad was thinking, well, maybe they could offer some elder care services or something like that. Um, we’ve even thought about, um, paying for them to go to school and get more education since they are very young girls. Um, and then also I just like five minutes ago was thinking that maybe they could even offer, uh, you know, learn or become qualified notary signing agents. I’m currently a notary and I hate it, but, um, I know notary signing agents make a whole lot more money than just a regular notary and it could be something that would be beneficial and our job in the tax field anyways, cause sometimes we have clients who need things to be notarized.

And so anyways, I’m just curious if you had any feedback on what these girls could do the other nine months out of the year when we don’t have taxes for them to do. Thank you.

Nicole: So I love this question and I think a lot of us who are business owners or looking to take on interns or someone who can help support our work can understand and relate to this problem. And as a business owner, myself, as the founder of Inherit learning company, which is my e-commerce company, you can learn more about that Inheritlearning.com.

We deal with this all the time. And I think one thing we can all relate to is if you find someone great, you don’t want to lose great talent. It is hard to manage people and it is hard to keep people on board. So if you find someone who’s excellent, you want to keep them, and I can understand that, but because we all run businesses, we can’t just pay you for sharpening pencils and looking good around the office. So if you’re saying that you have, what’s known as a company that has seasonality or that is cyclical, meaning that our business comes in in different seasons. Like maybe we, we peak during Christmas or we peak during tax season. Well, I want to let you know that person. That is an issue in your business itself.

You want to make sure you have a business that’s able to generate revenue year round. So that’s the thing that needs fixed if you will. And the ticket to that might be some of these employees that you want to keep on. Now, in this particular situation with Jamie, I love hearing that she’s trying to nurture a younger generation to be able to learn some skills to hopefully stay in the business and maybe continue on themselves. So Bravo, Jamie, I love your giving and gracious heart. Uh, here’s what I recommend for you. I think that you have a great opportunity to use these young, brilliant tech savvy people to start bringing in more business into what you have right now. So a great place for them to stand is social media. They can be gathering clients, building out email lists, tightening up websites.

They can be working on establishing your social media, building up a storyline around your brand, and generally helping grow your business and establish your clients all year round. And outside of that from a more tactical standpoint, I think it would a great idea for them to become notaries, especially since you’re located within a retirement community. There is a constant need, especially around state planning for people to come in and notarize.

So I think that’s a great idea for them to have as a back pocket talent, particularly if it’s something you want to get off of your plate, cause you hate it. So I think that’s a great, great idea in terms of more tactical skill, but I think there’s a great opportunity here for you to kind of allow them to leverage some of their natural young people, talents to help bring and grow your business into 2022. So if you know that you have some interns that you’re sitting around and saying, what can they do? Think outside the box y’all, don’t think just about what you’re doing every single day that you may want to delegate, but can’t because they’re not as qualified, think about what their skills are that they have in house and how you can apply those to your business. So that’s my advice, Jamie. I think it’ll work out great and feel free to follow up because I can’t wait to hear.

3

So we have another question that came in via DM from Quanda. So I’m going to go ahead and just read her question here and, uh, and give you guys an answer. So Quanda wants to know she’s been following my health journey on social media and she wants to know how did you do it. How did you finally get the willpower together to say, I am going to create change in my life. I am going to drop a couple extra pounds and I’m going to really make something happen. So I feel better. And I look better.

Quanda, thank you so much for asking. I appreciate it. I talk a little bit about my health journey online. Um, infrequently, you guys know that first and foremost biggest disclaimer, I am not a health expert. I am not a doctor. I am not a nutritionist and I’m not trying to play in those waters because your life to me is more important than getting advice on your body from an influencer. So all I will ever tell you is what I have done and what has worked for me. And I will always encourage you to go seek out what works best for you.

So when it comes to business, I’m comfortable giving you advice all day. Cause I know what I’m talking about, but when it comes to bodies, they’re all different. They’re all individual. And you should see your doctor first. All that being said, uh, the big question around willpower, uh, what happened was I was told that I was shortening my life, in so many words. After finally saying to myself I’m unhealthy. And that was the truth of it. It was difficult for me to walk upstairs. I was having issues with stamina on stage and, uh, it, wasn’t fun for me to get on stage and in the very beginning of my session, be so out of breath that I worried whether or not I would catch my breath before I’d be able to really engage the very high end. Or if you guys have, haven’t seen one of my keynotes, or if you are looking for a keynote speaker, you guys should book me. It is a good time. It is chock-full of education.

And it’s also just a lot of laughs and we just, we really have a lot of fun. I love, love, love speaking from stage, but when I tell you I get tuckered out. Okay. Not only am I’m not a spring chicken, but I’m a seasoned chicken, you know? And not only is that the case, but I’m also, you know, I was, I was a little bit on the thicker side and I loved my body. I love the way I looked, you know, and you guys have heard me talk about this before, but the truth was just, my stamina was affected. And what happened was I’d spent years doing the yo-yo dieting thing, going back and forth, you know, losing weight, gaining it back, losing weight, gaining it back. And finally, I went to a doctor. I just went and saw an expert. Which is what I think, uh, if there’s any takeaway that I hope you guys get from this, I’m not gonna tell you to do keto. I’m not going to tell you to do paleo. I’m not going to tell you to stop eating carbs or to work out 20 minutes a day or take these vitamins or this shake. What I’m going to tell you to do is go in and see a doctor, get your numbers so you know exactly what really matters and what you need to watch and then follow whatever they tell you to do.

If that doctor tells you that you need to work out every day for 30 minutes, that is your answer to weight loss. It’s not every other thing. It’s the thing your doctor’s telling you. If that doctor tells you look based on your body type or you being pre-diabetic, you cannot have sugar because it will shorten your life. Then listen to your doctor. And for me, you know, and honestly, if your doctor tells you anything, I know that there’s a lot of, um, talk about things like bariatric surgery or, um, you know, going in and starting a paleo diet even or Mediterranean diet, what have you, everyone has opinions around how people lose their weight, but the truth is if your doctor recommends it for you and it is to extend your life, please just do what they say.

You know, that’s all that matters is that you’re here tomorrow. And that’s what I care about. You know, you have so much to bring to the world. So when it comes to willpower and finally figuring it out. I mean, honestly, I went under doctor advisement. I treated my weight and health condition as if it was a sickness, you know, that needed treatment. And I talked to my doctor, I went in and that was a little over a hundred pounds ago. And, um, and then I gave a time I was consistent. So this has been a journey. That’s been about six years long now. And I’ve gained back 22 pounds at one point over the pandemic. And I ended up losing 30 after that once I started really taking exercise seriously and integrating fitness, not just slimness and, um, and it changed my life.

I keep up with my nutrition. I still eat donuts, still eat fudge, still eat sugar. I don’t restrict or eliminate anything from my diet, but I am mindful about portions. And I err on the side of, um, you know, eating proteins and then definitely exercising and limiting my sugars. So that’s what I do to keep myself well, um, it’s an imperfect science. I am still human. I do not deprive myself. And, uh, and it’s not based around my body. It’s based around everything that’s inside. So I encourage you to love yourself along the journey as you’re going. But again, the answer is start with your doctor.

So I love these questions. I love that they run the gamut. I love that you guys asked me about everything from babies to bodies to business. So just keep that stuff coming. You guys are incredible. I appreciate you. You can always drop your questions on Instagram. I’ve got the link up there. You can click there, leave me a voicemail and I will pull any questions. You know, I’m not doing crazy filtering. It’s just kind of how I answered it before. Um, and no filter. Don’t worry about feelings. I’m a big girl. Send it my way and I’ll answer what I can answer for you. Cause I love sharing my answers.

Now I want to talk to you a little bit about don’t make yourself content. Now this is a segment that we do every single week, where basically I think you guys can relate to it. Crazy things happen in this world. We see it happen and we’re like, what on earth is this thing? And I don’t know about you, I’m feeling like we’re living in a world more and more. It feels like good sense is gone where I’m like, I don’t know if I was just raised differently or if I just look at things funny, but it feels like, wasn’t this not okay? And shouldn’t it be talked about? So I love taking something that is a hot piece of content reading we’re seeing it all over social. It’s trending, you name it and just being clear and real about the truth of it.

So I can’t think of anything better to talk about than what happened at the Oscars. And I know you’re hearing it on so many podcasts. You’re getting so many chats so much back and forth of people saying, oh, well, you know, this happened, this was right, this was wrong, but I want to take a different angle at it. And I think you guys will understand also at the end of the day, when there is an awesome opportunity to receive accolades and recognition for your accomplishments, the last thing you want to do is make yourself content. The last thing you want to do is make yourself something that’s talked about in a negative light. And I think we all can collectively agree that that’s what happened. And it wasn’t a good thing. Um, I will let you know that under no circumstances, do I condone violence, do I condone bullying. There is no circumstance, whatsoever, where it is ever okay to physically hit, touch, beat, assault, another person period ever.

So that being said in this circumstance, I want to talk about the boldness of it all. And you guys have heard me say this. I have tough talks online. I think that we’ve gotten into a place in our life right now, where whenever something occurs, where it may be made content, we all feel like we have to pick a side. We all have to get polarized. And that’s the thing that I want to talk about here. I want to talk about the fact that we’re not acknowledging the bothness of this situation. So yes, Will was wrong. He knows that, the Academy knows that, Chris knows that, his mama knows that, everybody knows he was wrong, dead wrong.

Chris was wrong. Yes. He’s a comedian. Yes, it’s his work. Absolutely. But at the end of the day, poking fun at a woman’s appearance. Hopefully I’m hoping he didn’t know that there was a medical need behind it. Um, and I’d like to be inclined to think that he wouldn’t have done what he did if he knew that. But nevertheless, not the best call, particularly considering the history of black women and our hair and just all the, uh, weight behind women and our appearances. Our appearance really shouldn’t be conversation. Let alone something to be poked fun at. So that wasn’t right either. I think that where we start getting polarizes, where we start saying to ourselves, well, which one was more wrong and if one was more wrong, then it would warrant an action that is either equally wrong or wrong.

And I got to let you know that I just don’t agree with that. I just don’t. I think what happened was terrible, but it was also human. It was an escalation of emotions where the outcome of it was painful. And my heart goes out to Chris Rock. Who’s now in a situation where, you know, his Wikipedia was updated with this controversy that he didn’t ask for, you know, um, I think that’s unfortunate because he now has this thing to talk about. We don’t talk about trauma, but he’s a 57 year old man, you know, who was at work and he’s, he’s been on the Oscar stage many, many times. He’s worked for a very, very long time to build the career he has, where he’s able to get on stages like that.

Being an LA there are comedians right now who are doing improv and working really hard to hopefully be in the place that Chris Rock is in right now, he is known as a legend in this space. No matter how you feel about the quality of work that he does, he is known as somebody who has worked very hard. You can never minimize how hard someone has worked to get where they are. And, um, unfortunately now, you know, as an almost 60 year old man, this is part of his story and he didn’t ask for it.

And so in that situation, truly sad, you know, and, um, especially because he was, you know, misspoke, if you will, you know, he, as a comedian went too far, which is part of treading the line of his work. And it’s unfortunate it happened, and this was the outcome. And then, you know, the same applies to Will. Here is somebody who has spent his entire life building up to his first Oscar. How heart-wrenching. Not to mention he is well-known as being one of the nicest, kindest, most generous people in Hollywood. I mean, I can tell you, I have had the opportunity to work with a lot of people, I haven’t worked with Will, specifically, but there’ve been overlaps and I’ve heard nothing but incredible things, how he remembers everyone’s name on set, how he’s very generous and making sure people are well fed and well cared for him, paid how he’s constantly developing talent, mentoring people, extending opportunities.

He is known for being someone who is gracious and, um, and humble too, on top of all of it. And it’s just so sad to see that both of these men have had to overcome so much to get where they are. And this interaction between the two of them is something that has become a defining point or a discussion point in their career. And it’s one of the things where I just want to say in terms of not making herself content. There are times where even though someone has made themselves content, what we should be discussing is the humanity of it all. that, despite the fact that you may be famous or rich or wealthy, or have high visibility, or you’re good looking, or you’re an influencer, or you, you know, rub elbows with the fancy folk, whatever it is, my God, we are human.

We are human. We make mistakes. We misspeak, we tread into territory. We cross boundaries. We eat, we become emotional. We get aggressive. But you friend, I hope you hear me when I say this, you are so much more than your lowest moment. And so while that low moment may be something that you deserve consequences for, and it may be something that you need to reflect on, and it may be a moment of growth for you. It’s critically important that despite what the world may say, turning you into content, that you recognize that your worth has not changed, that there’s nothing you have done between when you wake up to, when you go to sleep that increases or decreases your work worth, you are worthy right now.

And it’s my hope that in looking at moments like this content, things like go crazy over, you know, people who have built a history of, of knowing who they are and showing up consistently that when people have off days, that we also acknowledged that they may have just had an off day because they are human rather than immediately saying that they’re canceled or that they’re no good or that you’re over them or that they’re done. Um, things are getting out of hand with that a little bit. You know where we’re so quick to throw away people. And, um, I’m not saying that Will gets a pass just because he’s him or Chris gets a pass, just because he’s him, I’m saying let’s trust who people have shown themselves to be consistently and then afford them, the grace of knowing that they’re human and know that that speaks volumes, not just about them, but about who we are.

So Will, Chris, they made themselves content and hopefully we can learn from it. So we don’t make ourselves content.

[22:06]

Um, and now I can do my intro into the Alex conversation. And then I guess I’ll do a little wrap

up at the end of the Alex conversation. Is that okay? Um, let me see. I mean, I guess I already

filmed like an outro, so I mean, like at the end of, because at the end of the conversation with

Alex, I was like, thank you so much.

You guys can find more about him in his show notes. Like the only thing I would have wanted to

say at the end of that was, um, gosh, I love this chat. It was so great. Like this was so good, but

I mean that’s, I think is in my out. Yes. We, well, typically from what I’ve heard, like once, like

that is just what the end of the episode would be, and we have your actual, like, yeah, that’s the

same.

So, I have to let you know, I am so excited about this episode. And the reason why I am is because one, you guys know I don’t do interviews a lot. So I told you earlier that I’ve got someone cool who’s on here. But what we’re going to talk about is something that you guys have seen on social media and around the world so much. If you’re new here, you may not have caught it, but I have a squad. I have a squad and I have, it’s my girl squad. And I’ve talked about them. If you have, if you don’t have time to just listen to season one of the Nicole Walters podcast, episode 10, you needed this yesterday. And I talked in detail about my girl squad.

Now it’s cheesy to call it this, but there’s four of us. Uh, Nikki, Jada, Jen, and myself. And we’ve been friends now for. I want to say five years. I’m glad they’re not here. Cause they would, they would call me out on it and maybe I’ll have them on, you know, later to talk about some stuff cause they’re incredible.

But we are all mama’s. We all have a business, you know and uh, we’re very similar people who are all very different in personality. And um, needless to say, definitely go back and listen to that episode, but you will all know how hard I’m sure you understand this, it can be to not either get friends after 30 or to maintain friendships after 30 and maintaining meaning still continuing to get together, to hang out, to fit them in, in between the kids and the clothes and the everything else, but also to maintain them in terms of being there for each other, in terms of becoming vulnerable with, um, with other women, you know, that is something that I think we don’t talk about enough.

I talk about it in episode 10, but it’s true. It can be really, really difficult and challenging to, especially if you’ve been hurt trust-wise with other women to allow yourself to deepen and have those relationships. So when I met my girl squad, we decided with intentionality that we were going to do life together. And that meant being honest about where we are, where we wanted to go, holding each other accountable, but also holding space for love and reception of things that we may not want to hear. So in having this relationship with my girls, you know, I’ve grown so

I prerecorded that’s the saying? And then that’s it. So I could just leave it at that, that I don’t

have to do another follow-up. Perfect. Well then let me just do my little intro into the next part

and then that’s it for this episode. Oh, I love this episode. It’s so good. Okay, great. All right.

Next one.[00:23:00]

much. And, um, and it’s just been a real blessing. They have been with me through, um, you know, issues with my older children, which, you know, having adopted older girls, they, they have a lot of complexities. Uh, they’ve been with me through MidTiny, my 19 year old when she was 17 was diagnosed with stage four cancer. She’s fine now mama’s in case you didn’t listen to that episode, but, uh, you know, that. A journey that they walked with me as well. They’ve been with me through my own health issues. They’ve been with me through the transitions we’re going through now. I mean, it has just been such a blessing to have a girl squad.

And I can tell you that one thing I never think about that we’re going to talk about and dive into in today’s episode is what do you do when you have had people in your life, that have served a role kind of like a girl squad or kind of like a best friend, but it’s time to let them go. Meaning these people have been in your life for so long that you don’t really know what life is without them, but you also recognize that you may be changing and you may be evolving, or you’re not finding as much joy in that relationship anymore. And you’re saying to yourself, Hey, maybe it’s time for me to look into something else. And that’s not easy.

I mean, we spend so much time looking at our monthly subscription bills to figure out what we need to cut or looking at the scale, figuring out what we need to lose or looking at, you know, our kids’ grades figuring out what they need to improve, but how much time do we spend really looking at our list of friends and saying, look, is this person a value add or are they subtracting joy?

And so that is what I want to do today. The guest that I have on, Alex Csillag, is fantastic. Being in LA, I’ve had the opportunity to meet the coolest people. I mean, it’s so different from the corporate world where, you know, you might only meet or see the same people in your cube every single day. But working in this industry has been such a blessing to me because I get to meet the most dynamic people at events at parties, through clients. And, um, and there’s always like musicians around. I mean, literally the barista at Starbucks, you know, probably does like a show three times a week and you know, me, I’m chatty Cathy. I’m always making friends with everyone. And Alex was one of those people. We were at an event and he just started chatting me up about, um, you know, some of the transition he was going through and Lord knows people just spill on me.

And when he started talking about some of his friendships as a precursor to his purpose, ah, now you’re like, oh, okay, Nicole, okay. You know, I’m a truly, I, cause I’m always asking people, are you in your purpose? You know, do you love the work that you’re doing? Does it make your heart sing? And for him, he just started going into how the friends he was selecting was essential to where he is today as a musician.

I remember the first time I met you and you were telling me, which this you’re not the first one, but people, whenever they meet me and I’m sure a lot of people listening right now know this, I very quickly become like a best friend You know, like everyone just starts telling me all their things and all that. And the first time you met, I mean, pretty quickly you were telling me about some of the changes that had happened in your life regarding friendship and not, not bad stuff per se, but just a lot of intentionality. And that’s actually what this episode is about. It’s all about being intentional, especially as adults, with who we have around us and the choices we’re making and how they impact, not just us personally, within our own growth, but also within our business and our careers. So I’m so excited that you’re here, but before I dive in to all your stuff, it’s guys it’s so, so good. Tell me a little bit more about you, you live in LA and what you do you do out here?

Alex: I do live in LA and born and raised originally one of the few
Nicole: That is rare. That is
Alex: know, and my main bag of I played trombone. So couple that with, you know, being from LA I’m,
Nicole: I don’t know if I know any trombone players.
Alex: exactly. It’s just all weird. from LA.
Um, it’s not a thing, but, but it’s the thing.
Nicole: Okay.
Alex: Yeah. Um, yeah, so I played trombone, I do horn arranging orchestral arranging and string writing. Um, worked on my own projects, but yeah, mostly freelancing for different artists, recording sessions, different kinds of bands of all different kinds of styles and

Nicole: it’s so cool. Cause coming to LA, just like for work and stuff, one of the things that I’ve learned is that there’s just so many different people that are required. to Make something happen, you . Know? So like, so everyone here is in the industry one way or another, but they’re all you know, playing really different roles. So I think that when you think musician, a lot of us instantly think lead singer, you know what I mean?

But the truth is, I mean, it takes so many people just like you. And how did you even get into that? Did you go to school for that? Or do you go to school for tromboning? I feel like this is a family shot. I gotta be careful like of wordings or whatever, but
Alex: Right, Oh, I’ve heard it all. Believe me. I’ve heard it. All

Nicole: just in case the kids are listening, Okay.
Alex: the kids. Um, yeah, I picked it up like in third grade and, um, I just, you know, I was big kid for my age, so I had the long arms and they’re like, oh, trombone is good for you. Coupled with the fact that it can just make predicted.
Sounds and, you know, I’m ridiculous person. So I just kind of like, you know, we felt a
good
Nicole: went
Alex: there. It was just a good match.
Nicole: So you hear that. Okay. Any moms out there who are wondering about your kids and instruments in the future, let them play, what they want to play.
Alex: Let them play what they want to play. And, you know, that’s what I do for a living full-time now.
So who would have, who would have figured, you know what I mean? Like

Nicole: That’s incredible. And you went to school for that, Like it
Alex: I did, I went to school, I went to Berkeley college of music, um, playing trombone. Um, while I was there, I also, I, I did a film scoring, which is what I got my major in. Um, so I figured I’m going to be playing regardless. It might as well pick up a new skill on along the way.
So I did film scoring and which I worked on for a bit. Um, but now focusing on performance and that’s working out pretty well. So
Nicole: That’s awesome. So I mean, just a little detour. I mean, we’re about to talk about the friend stuff. more, but I think what’s cool about that is, You know, we’re hearing that no matter what you’re doing, no matter what career you’re in, whether you’re an entrepreneur, you’re still figure yourself out no matter what, we’re all dealing with the same sort of stuff, you know, which is balancing friends, growing our personal life. So let’s talk a little bit more about that.

So when we first met, I remember you were telling me that you’d gone through some changes. You would just, I guess like you hadn’t just turned 30. Do you mind me saying your age?
in front, everyone? Cause I mind people saying my age so I mean, I don’t need, I don’t need everyone to know that I’m 25 cause it makes them insecure. You know what I mean? it does. Yeah. Cause they were like, oh gosh,

Alex: I’m barely hanging in there. So
Nicole: it’s tough. It’s tough. So good. Thanks for being sympathetic to that.
Alex: now
Nicole: that said you are over 30.
Alex: I am. Now not so sure I’m comfortable with it, but
Nicole: you’re 32. And so, um, you know, when I, when I, when we first met, I mean, you were telling me that like 30 kind of was a pivotal moment for you with some of your decision-making I Alex: yeah. At 30, 31. Um, it was especially because that was in the middle of, that was like, that was the pandemic, you know, that’s when everything hit, um, you know, I’m not the only one that dealt with it, but there was a big, uh, identity crisis that happened in the pandemic for a lot of musicians and people in the industry because, um, you know, it was like our legs were swept out from under us. We, we had worked out, um, you know, we had, we had worked in our job for so long. We had created, you know, we got the ball rolling, we had work coming in and then all of a sudden it was just like nothing.
Nicole: The momentum like stopped. Yeah.
Alex: stopped. So
Nicole: think a lot of people can relate to that because, you know, whether it was in music alone, you know, a lot of us are building momentum every single day, you know?
So we all kind of think we’re building towards something and the pandemic really yanked the rug out from under us. And we’re kind of like, Do I have to start over and I’m sure it’s so much worse for performers. I mean, I can’t even imagine what it was like, I wasn’t in LA, I was in Atlanta at the time. but I couldn’t imagine being here trying to deal with all of that.

Alex: Yeah. And it was, it was, it was tough. Um, you know, just because, um, you know, just trying to figure out who we were, it was like, because you know, a large part of our identity was we are a working musician.

Nicole: Ooh, let’s talk about that that
Alex: part of the
Nicole: Yes. That’s a thing. What The working part or the musician part
Alex: Where the working part is, it’s different than just being a musician because you can be a musician just playing guitar in your room, and then you go do your nine to five, whatever.
But if you’re, if you’re a working, you know, successful musician, that’s what you’re doing as a living that is a whole other part of your identity.

And so when that gets taken away from you, you’re like, like, you know, kind of the, who am I like kind of thing, you know? And, and a lot of people straight from the music industry in the middle of that and had to kind of reidentify who they were and like what that meant for their careers and what that meant for their lives and

Nicole: Oh my gosh. You are saying a mouthful
Alex: So it was, it was a lot,
Nicole: Yeah, no, a lot. And I think what’s great about that is, you know, we’re talking about how applied to your career and to your identity and all that. But I think moms or anyone who’s listening to this right now, we can really relate to that too, that, you know, big changes in our life, whether it’s having a kid or starting to stay at home more, or switching your career starting your first business, whatever it is, All of a sudden, you really start questioning yourself where you’re saying, who am I, you know, how do I show up in this world?

How do I want to show up in this world? Or am I just the label that I’ve been living? So knowing that that’s the case, I guess the question I have for you is how did friends play a role in this? Because the pandemic kind of pulled us apart. But I think that a lot of us tried to stay close. I have my squad.

You guys heard me talk about that earlier? My squad got me through it. we used to see each other every quarter and we would spend time and reconnect. So we had to switch to like zoom calls and things like that. It’s not the same, but you know, we did everything we could to maintain that relationship. So, I mean, is that what you were a musician zooming?

Like what were you, what were you, guys doing?

Alex: I mean, we were doing whatever we could, we resuming or, you know, some people just, Nicole: met up anyways. Yeah, I’m sure. Yeah. No, for sure.
Alex: Um, I know everybody kind of had their pod that were like, okay, we’re the ones hanging out as long as it’s just us then, and we’re good so far, then we’re going to assume that we will continue to be good.

Right. Um,
Nicole: Like we’re going to collectively make good choices,
Alex: you know, or at least, or at least try because nobody had all the information and we’re like, we’re just going to do what feels best for us.
Nicole: Yeah.

Alex: So, um,
Nicole: so tell me more about that.
Alex: Yeah. So yeah, so.
Nicole: So
Alex: Yes, because, because we had to re-identify everything in our lives because of the lockdown and because of the pandemic, everything, we had to be much more intentional about where we spent our time and where we spent our energy.
Um, and, and that crazy time like this, that was just, that was a very important to put your energy in the right places.

Nicole: Okay. So let’s talk about that shift then. So basically what you’re telling me is that when the pandemic came around, you started really focusing on where you’re putting your time and energy, because honestly, I don’t know about you and, but everyone who follows me on social. Or if you guys have like watched my show, you know, I am always buzzing. I am always, I have a new project or something new that I have going on. And so because of that, I’m go, go, go. And the pandemic for me was a real slow down, you know, like what really matters to you? What do you want to, because once we reentered the world, it was like, what do you want to keep? And what do you want to leave behind?

Because everything was taken essentially. So are you saying that that was some of the focus that you had was just kind of, I really have to choose where I’m going to be and was that kind of turning into the people as well?
Alex: yeah, absolutely. I had, yeah, I had to refocus where I want to be in my career, in my, uh, in, in being a musician and my identity but I also, with my friends and the people that I surround myself with, I had to reevaluate what was important to me, what kind of energy wanted to keep around me. Um, and so it was, it was a thing, you know, sometimes, um, you, you look at the people around you a little bit differently when you’re going through these things and you’re

Nicole: Well, let’s talk about that. Let’s not say So, surface. So like if it’s a situation, cause I think that a lot of us can relate to this, you know, a lot of us are older now, you know, maybe we have families or at least we have, you know, jobs that we’re committed to our time matters a lot. So, you know, we do care what we do with it. And I think, I don’t know about you, but for me, I found myself just kind of putting friends on a back burner, you know, or having surface friends as I kind of call them, which is, you know, I got a lot of people, but I don’t have much depth there.

And, um, because that was easier. If you don’t have depth, you don’t have to commit you know, like, and you don’t have to be there necessarily during all the times, but you’re, there’s always guaranteed to be someone around So For me, at least coming out of the pandemic, I was like, you know what quality over quantity. Right. So tell me more about.

Alex: so, yeah, so it was two, it was two sides for me. It was, um, on one hand I had my friends that I had grown up with that I have a fierce loyalty for.
Nicole: Okay. Do you have a lot of those, like,
Alex: no, there’s this, there’s a select few, um, you know, friends that I’ve been friends with for over 20 years.

Nicole: Oh, wow. That says a lot. One of my good friends Luvvie Jaya Jones. She’s a New York times Best seller. If you guys haven’t read her book, I’m judging you. You should get it. Um, she also has her second book out professional troublemaker and I’m on her podcast. So definitely listen to that as well. But lovey talks about how, uh, if you don’t have friends that you’ve known for like more than 15 years, you need to question the type of person you are.

You know what I mean? because you shouldn’t have, after it, once you hit, like over 30, you shouldn’t have a rotating cast of characters where it’s like, oh yeah, all my friends are like a year or two.
You know what I mean? Because you should, you know, I think as an adult, one of the character traits is keeping people. you know?
Alex: And so that’s like.
Nicole: um,
Alex: Yeah, that’s a weird thing because you get so comfortable with what you have, and it’s great to have long-term friends, as long as you’re growing together and moving towards the same direction. Sometimes in my, like in my, in my situation, um, you know, I had a friend where maybe, you know, we had been friends for over 20 years, but we were just hanging on to what we had, you know, just because it was there just because we were used to it.
Nicole: because you had history, a history, so this is an
Alex: that yeah, not necessarily that it was just something that I needed around me or wanted around me, but it was there, it was comfortable, it was familiar. And you know, it took a while to realize that like, you know, maybe this isn’t the best thing for me.

Nicole: Wow. Wow. So wait, before we dive into that, cause that sounds like I don’t know about y’all if this sounds like some tea a little bit like I want to hear what’s going on here no. Before, because, I mean, anytime you have a breakup of a lot of years, whether it is a marriage or a business or a career or a friendship, There’s something behind it. So before I dive into that, I think what I’m hearing that’s interesting is, you know, a lot of us, I just finished talking about how it’s so important that you have friends that are long-term, but what you’re saying is, you know, not all things just because they’ve been there are good for you.

And it’s important to also evaluate if that whatever that relationship is, if it’s still bringing value to you and if you need to retain it.

Nicole: So I know that we’re about to talk about the breakup right? Cause obviously there’s a friend breakup and people, we don’t talk enough about how painful friend breakups are.
You know what I mean, like, I think that we spend a lot of time talking about relationship breakups, marital, breakups, even career and business breakups, you know, but We don’t talk enough about how, when you have a friendship of 20, 30 years and there’s a falling out, which is usually what happens. Um, but it sounds like that’s not what this was.

It sounds like this was more of an intentional decision per se, which is w honestly there probably should be more of these breakups. I mean, that’s the reality. So before that, let’s talk about the thing before the thing, because before there’s a breakup, there’s usually either a series of events that kind of indicate something needs to change, or there’s a major transformation or mindset change.

And that’s what I want to hear. And hopefully inspire, if anyone is listening right now and saying to themselves, do I have someone in my life that may need to transition out for my growth? What was happening within you? you know, that said that you needed to make change.
Alex: Yeah. So, um, it’s funny. So I, like I said, I had a fierce loyalty towards my friends growing up. Um, and there’s a lot of people in the industry that I would be on gigs and rehearsals with and stuff that I would see around town for years, but never formed actual relationships with these people because

Nicole: what was that like? Just got like, oh, Hey, catch up? a little
Alex: Are you seeing on the next one?
Nicole: Oh, well, but that’s also very LA like I had to learn to adjust because I’m from the south, you know? And so you meet someone and like they’re at Thanksgiving dinner, you know what I mean? So even like, just like meeting you. I was like, oh, I should have you on my podcasts. Everything you’re saying is so great. Like, people would love you, you know, like, um, I love your work that you’re doing all that. But like I learned in LA you can say that that doesn’t mean anything. Like people won’t follow up.
Alex: this is, well, this is one of the things that I’ve worked on through the years is following up, Nicole: Sure, sure,
Alex: Catching up with people like maintaining relationships with new people and I was kind of with the mentality of, you know, no new friends,
Nicole: Ooh team no new friends.
Alex: I was team no new friends for a long time and I didn’t form new relationships and meaningful relationships with people that I actually thought were good people. I thought they were talented. They had good energy.
Like these are people that now I’m actively trying, I guess, trying to pick up the pieces make up for lost time
Nicole: like leaning in, but with
Alex: leaning in leading with intentionality, because I realize that these are people that will, will, and can add value to my
Nicole: but to make space for these people because our time is limited And I think what’s great about, and why you’re such a great fit For this chat is just because as a musician, like I can’t a working musician also let me clarify that it does matter. It does matter, you know, as a working musician and a freelancer, you know, and, and your own boss, you know, you’re an entrepreneur in many different ways. You know, our time matters so much because our time literally is money. If we don’t put up the time, if we don’t show up, including with these relationships, we don’t get paid. So knowing that that’s the case, you know, if we’re going to invite new people into our life and say, we’re going to dedicate time to them, it’s almost like, Hey, I’m going to give up money to be around you. You know? So, potentially.
Alex: And so, and so you just have to end, so with that mindset, you have to, um, realize, you know, who is worth that time and who isn’t.
Nicole: and who isn’t. Right. So if that’s and people feel weird about that. You’re saying it very casually. People feel weird saying that. So y’all, I’m telling you right now lean in and understand that, like, you may have to say, look, some people are not worth my time and that’s hard to say. It feels icky. I feel gross saying it.

Alex: It’s a hard, it’s a hard pill to swallow and especially.
Nicole: To like
Alex: To realize it. And then to put that into action,
Nicole: is that what happened first before you were like, when you were starting to evaluate even these long-term relationships, you were like, what is my time worth? Like, what am I worth? It was

Alex: Yeah, for sure. It’s the same, it’s a conversation about, you know, what you do you deserve, you know what I mean?
Um, know what I mean, do you deserve to be surrounded by, there was, there was a thing where, um, I was around musicians that were, I thought were so talented and I thought were so just incredible that I wasn’t even in the same league. And I had just had this voice that I wasn’t there. I wasn’t good enough to even be in their space,

Nicole: Wow.
Alex: you know, or even to maintain a friendship with them because I didn’t think I was in the same league. And, and then it’s funny. I come to realize later, the more confident I become and maybe my musicianship has changed, maybe it hasn’t, but you know, just being open to the idea of being around them and that I do deserve to be in the same space as them. And then I feel, and then it’s funny because then I do feel the more the connection with them.
Nicole: This is really big. So what you’re telling me essentially is that by believing more in your worth, around being in spaces of talent, you’re you are finding yourself one, attracting more talented people and then two getting better yourself.
Alex: getting better myself. Yeah, for sure. Wow. Absolutely.
Nicole: so that’s The value of friends right there. I mean, we hear it all the time.
You are the company you keep, you know, you’re the sum of your five [00:46:00] closest friends. Alex: then not even that, just once I told myself that I am deserving and that I am qualified to be in these people’s space that, uh, you know, doors have been opening for me. I’ve been more productive in my life. I’ve been feeling better about the people I have around in my life.
Nicole: Um, when you say doors are opening for you, are you saying that you’re also finding yourself getting like, w I mean, with these transitions and friends, which means that like. again, Your people that you’re around you, like you give energy and you get energy. So you’re saying with like shifting of some of this energy and having certain people in your space, you’re finding yourself doing and being, and engaging in opportunities that either a making you more money, be getting you more visibility. All of that, like automatically you’re saying that’s definitely happening.
Alex: There is a correlation. There is a, like an absolute correlation between the friends, the friends and the company you keep and your career and your personal success and all that stuff. Because like, you know, just telling yourself that you’re deserving to be in these people’s space. Convincing yourself that you are good enough, even just to be in their space, then it convinces you that you are good enough in general. And then in that confidence, it translates to the work that you do. It translates to the focus and discipline that You
Nicole: sure. So, well, so I’m gonna, you know, be candid for those guys. So listen, you can tell Alex a good looking young man.

You know what I mean? Lyric Google looking fellow. I mean, it’s an industry, Everyone’s good. Looking at LA y’all like, honestly. Everyone’s it makes me feel good. Walking around. I’m like, by default, I swear I might be like a seven in Atlanta, but you come to LA, you get in a room full of good looking people. You go up and down number two, so you can hit Nate. You know what I mean?

It’s nice. So so I say all that to say, have you found, um, and I’ve talked a lot both here.
Um, you know, there are a couple episodes. I talked about my health journey. Like I had to lose, I lost a bunch of weight, but I dealt with some health scares and things like that. Have you found that some of these transitions and,
Alex: and
Nicole: choices around your. worth, You know, that’s changed the space you’re in. Has that changed you personally, like in terms of how you take care of yourself or how you feel about like your appearance or anything like that?
Alex: oh, for sure. Yeah. I mean, I grew up, I was, I was bullied for years.
Nicole: Oh, wow. I mean, you play trombone, buddy. So
Alex: I was not, I was not helping my cause. I’m telling you I was not, I was a band nerd, a little overweight at skin issue. You know
what I mean? It was just, it was what was what it
Nicole: I just love it. If there are any kiddos listening, what their mom is right now.
I want you to hear this, that whatever you’re dealing with right now, whether it is skin issues or feeling uncomfortable, or like you don’t fit in auntie Nicole’s telling you right now you could be a cool kid and a working musician in LA some days.
So stick it out,
Alex: more importantly, a working trombone
Nicole: Oh, working trombone player leaning on The trombone with the mamas right now, we’re going to send me mean messages like, please, I do not want to hear trombone being plaque practice in my house right now. Please do not encourage this. Like next week is going to be a drummer. Like I don’t need that energy.
The mamas right now are not here for it now. Um, but no. So I understand. so what you’re saying is like friends have really transitioned that.
So the big thing for you was once you started realizing, cause I really want to chart out this course so people can understand it started with, I realized my worth. I started really saying to myself, what do I want in my future? What do I deserve in my future? And really leaning in on that belief, but then putting people around you and removing the people that didn’t support that idea.
Alex: Yeah.
Nicole: Ouch. That’s not easy. That’s not easy.
Alex: It’s not easy. And it was something it took years to do. And it’s somewhat of a recent revelation for me. Like it’s
Nicole: Wow. Like, look, when you look back on it, now you understand better the, the moves you made.
Alex: Oh yeah. It’s, I mean, I’m sort of mad at myself that it took so long, but you know, you have hope in people,

Nicole: Everything happens at the right time.
Alex: you and you, everything happens at the right time and
for reason and all that, I truly believe.
But like, um, you know, I wish not that I wish I had done it sooner because I think everything happened in the appropriate time, in the time that it was meant to. But, um,
Nicole: so let’s talk about the breakup,
Alex: the breakup
Nicole: going to say let’s lean on this tea. Cause I wasn’t saying like, so what happened? So I guess the question that I want to know is. Let’s use an example, because I’m actually, you’ve shifted more than one person out of your life. You know, like even if someone isn’t completely out of your life, maybe you’re choosing to spend less time there, or you’re not in scenarios. Like if you had a friend who maybe was, and I think a lot of us mom has to relate to this, like our going out friend, you know, where all they want to do is go out every single night or they want to, all they want to do is gossip.
And you’re just like, girl, I can’t, you know what I mean, like we may still be friends. I may still invite you to things here and there, but I’m just not hanging out on your terms. So I’m sure you have those people, but I really want to know some of the, because people right now are hearing you and they’re saying, okay, this all sounds good and great, but how? They’ve been around for 20 years and my kids know them, you know, they’re part of my life.
How do I shift. to Just not talking to this person.
Alex: I straight up told him,
Nicole: oh, you’re thinking of one person
Alex: I’m thinking of a person I’m thinking of a person
Nicole: I appreciate you
Alex: and this and this scenario. Um, I’m gonna say that. Um, yeah. So with this persons specifically, I said he, he was engaging in, um,
Nicole: harmful behavior
Alex: behavior.
That was a repetitive pattern. That was something that I didn’t think added value to my life. It was something that I couldn’t just stand around and watch happen.
Alex: You know, we’ve, we’ve had talks, I’ve tried we’ve tried to figure out all the options to help him through
Nicole: So you’re saying that you kind of gave them a shot at change first.
Alex: gave them a shot of change. I told them what my concerns were. And then if nothing changed and I said, you know what? Um, we straight up can not be friends until you come to me and tell me that I, that there are concrete steps being taken to remedy this situation.
Nicole: Ooh, That is not easy. I mean, cause what you’re talking about is you drew a firm boundary.
Alex: I drew a firm boundary. I am a straight up person. I don’t like to beat around the bush because you just, you just can’t, you know, so, so, um, I had to draw that firm line in the sand and say like, literally we cannot be friends until I see improvement in this behavior that I’m seeing. And so when you come to me with that, then we can talk until then we are not

Nicole: that’s rough. And I got to say, For people who are listening right now, you know, there’s some of us that come from the old school where it’s just basically like family’s family. And when you have a friend of 20 years at that point, they’re like family, you know, you’ve grown up together. And so you can’t cancel family. You’re going to hear I’m playing devil’s advocate here because it’s true.

Some people are thinking them, this to themselves, like you’re supposed to help them through the tough stuff or you’re supposed to whatever. And it sounds like you did. a
Alex: Lord knows. I
Nicole: you know? Yeah. Lord knows. you tried. Right.

Alex: But, um, you know, at a certain point, you know, you can’t, they have to want to help themselves
Nicole: Ooh, that is good.
Alex: the end of the day, they

Nicole: That is good.
Alex: You can’t, you can’t lead a horse to water and make them
Nicole: right? You can’t set yourself, on fire to keep them warm.
Alex: Yeah. can’t, they have to want to help themselves. And I decided that I only want to be surrounded by people who want to help themselves. Who want to improve and grow and move in these directions that I feel like I’m moving in.
Nicole: Because that impacted you?
Alex: Because it impacted me. I fell, I found myself, I realized there was a pattern with me. I was holding myself back my entire life for my friends. You know what I mean? Like it was little things even, you know, like, uh, like in middle school band. Um, my band director wanted to move, move me to the eighth grade band when I was like in sixth or seventh grade and I stayed behind.
Nicole: So you turned down an opportunity, you were turning down opportunities to stay, where you are
Alex: stay with my friends. Yeah. You know, I went to the high school. They all went to, just to be with my friends. And then in 10th grade was the first time I realized that I needed to do something for myself and I needed to stray from them.
Um, but I would still, I would still did school all the time and I, and I would go hang out with my Nicole: Ooh, mom, if you’re listening right now, if you share this with your mom, mom and Phil is saying, he’s sorry. He used to skip school. he turned out okay. He’s a working musician.
Alex: Yeah. I play trombone.
Nicole: plays run everyday.
Alex: It’s fine.
Nicole: So, But you know, I mean, you’re saying that honestly, it was a pattern that you basically had to intentionally when you were 30. which I just want to call out, first of all, Bravo, Right. I didn’t know that piece of it.
You know, people realize that when you’re sending your way for so long, you feel like you can’t change. But,
Alex: that’s what it was for me for a long time. I felt like I couldn’t improve in my craft. I felt like I was stuck because I was stuck with my friends. I was stuck in this mindset. I couldn’t improve on my craft because I was just stuck with what I have is what there is.
And that’s all I know. And that’s what it is.
Nicole: pause on that for a moment. How many of you are saying to yourself today that you are stuck, that you are stuck in your definition as a mom, that you were stuck in your place in your company company. or a Career or that you’re stuck in your marriage or that you’re stuck in your weight or your body that you’re in right now that you don’t love.
I want you to hear today that even the behaviors at first started showing up in middle school, have the ability to transition and change if you decide that you deserve.
So, so good. So I want to talk about the end of this. So obviously he took it very well changed. His whole life up became a whole new person and you guys now have an amazing and incredible friendship, right?
Alex: Yeah, sure.
Nicole: It wouldn’t be a good episode if we didn’t tell the truth. So the truth is these conversations don’t always go well,
Alex: Yeah. The truth is he understood. We haven’t really spoken. And, uh, as far as I know, a lot of those behaviors haven’t changed.
Nicole: Wow. So, I mean, the relationship essentially expired you know? Yeah. Yeah. And are you still open? Are you saying I mean, that’s kind of you, I mean, I know that I’m. you know, Bless people’s hearts I’m from the south, bless their hearts.
But you know, ultimately, uh, once that milk’s gone bad, I’m pouring it down the drain, you know what I mean? and recycling the carton. So it’s over, you know, um, just because time and effort and also leaving space. open.
Alex: And I feel like I’m not necessarily pouring it down the drain. I’m just putting it in a separate jar and I’m putting it in the cabinet.
Nicole: Oh man. Cupboard, Ooh, it’s
Alex: it in the cupboard. I am, I get a little stinky, but it’s still going to be there.
Nicole: Okay. I think that’s sweet. I think that’s good.
Alex: It’s still there and it’s, I’m still open to drinking that stinky
Nicole: milk, Oh, that’s good of you for my faith base listeners, listen, look at how good, of a heart this one has. Oh my
Alex: you know, so it’s always there, but I need to know, I need to know that things
Nicole: things are improving
Alex: things are improving before I’m even open to opening that cupboard
Nicole: Of course. And then, So let’s talk about what your life looks like now that you’ve made some of these changes. And are you carrying this perspective of that was difficult. I know that was hard to do, you know, anytime you terminate anything, I mean, I’ve gone through relationship changes and. you know, It’s difficult, you know, the watching things, either evolve because that happens like me and my kid sister, you know, we’ve had to evolve in our relationship you know, from one where I was almost maternal to her, you know, and took care of her to recognizing look, she is an adult and I got to let her live, you know?
And you know, I’ve marital changes. Like I’ve had to go through so much there, you know, and there’ve been a lot of transition, so it’s just, it’s not easy. I know that I’m better on the other side, but it can be so hard when you’re in it to think that’s really going to happen. When I met you and you were telling me about.
this, You know, it was actually kind of a lot for you to tell me, like,
right out of the gate, just letting you know, I was just like, but I’m not having people tell me stuff. Like they’re

Alex: just got that face. I know I can tell you stuff. You know what I mean?
Nicole: yeah.
Alex: of drinks on my Italian, my whole life story.
Nicole: My life. I always joke everybody here. who’s listening. They all know I’m like, I’m your internet bestie. And the thing is is, cause I love it. Like I care. I’m like, oh, friend, tell me more. tell me more about that. Oh, I care. You know, so, and Cause I do cause I do. Cause I always like, I just, you know, I’m like, let me stand in this space with you.

Let me, hold this space. So, but that said, you told me all about it, but I think you were kind of still in the thick of it at that
Alex: Yeah. Yeah. I was, it was like very fresh.
Nicole: It was fresh. Yeah.

Alex: fresh.
Nicole: Oh, I didn’t know. It was days. Oh my gosh. Okay. So It was fresh. So I could see the like, angst in you, you know about it. But it was part of, why I said, oh my gosh, we got to talk about it because, you’re so, [00:58:00] but now that there’s some space between then and now. I mean, are you seeing fruits from it or was it,
Alex: yeah, absolutely. I’ve gone. I’ve been much more proactive about making friends outside of my original friend group,
Nicole: And are you picking different types of friends,
Alex: different, all different types of friends. I got friends I meet up with and, you know, play trombone, quartet music with, and we play Catan and then Mario kart, you know, and then I’ve got, and then I’ve got friends.
We just, my, my lunch buddy friends, you know what I mean? And then I’ve just got like friends I can call for all different kinds of things. And it’s, you know, and because of those, I mean, I’ve gotten gig opportunities,
Nicole: So it’s translating into other
Alex: translating into other areas of my life. Like I’m getting work out of it just because I’m creating more of a solid, uh, network, I mean, again, I will say it’s important that I’m not just trying to make friends for work purposes.
Nicole: course you’re basing it on legitimate
Alex: only spending time with people that I think like one like that I like spending time
Nicole: with,
Alex: you know, and if that translates to. And, and it has, you know, like, that’s great. That’s great, but that’s not the main focus. You know what I mean? Like I just like being surrounded by talented people, people who work hard, people who are like-minded like myself and, and my original friend group, I’m the only musician.
I’m the only one in this kind of space. So it’s really nice to lately have been surrounding myself with more people in who live in a similar space and we have a lot more in common

Nicole: So they’re supporting where you want
Alex: So they’re supporting where I
want to go.
Nicole: so good. And I hope everyone’s hearing that also because I mean, I think a struggle, a lot of my listeners are people like me they’re like moms, you know, they married like that type of life, you know?

And a lot of them are like, it’s hard to make friends, you know, like you spent your whole life being dedicated to like you your craft, you know, or like just busy. Um, but I’m hearing that you make time for it.
Alex: And it’s something I’m trying to do more and more all the time.

Nicole: What does that look like? is it like, just, I mean, you know, you got to eat lunch, so you just bring them to lunch or is it like, how are you integrating these people into your time? Alex: Um, it seems like, you know, sometimes people have like a game night once a week or sometimes, um, I don’t know, you grab a, you grab a beer after a rehearsal or, you know, just making time when you can, because everyone’s busy. Right.

Nicole: So, just folding it into your regular life.
Alex: Or even just trying to make plans, putting the effort out, you know, sometimes it doesn’t work out cause people are busy, but as long as like, you know, you’re trying and people see it, you know, I think that goes such a long way.
Nicole: I love that. I know that one of the things that I always talk about is how I feel guilt, you know, about working so hard, you know, as a mom and like, am I making enough time for my kids? And you know, how do I balance it all and how to make time for friends? And like, one of the things that I started doing was, uh, much like what you’re saying here is instead of putting so much weight around having a dedicated fancy lunch or meet up for dinner, which can be hard to match up with. I’ll say like, you know what, this is going to be a mommy daughter date, and we are going grocery shopping together. Do you know what I mean? And like, and while we’re pushing through the aisles, you are telling me all about what’s going on at school or what’s going on with your life. And I realized I can do that with a friend. You know, I literally can say like, look, I’m going to go get my nails done anyways. Why don’t you come with me and we’ll catch up, you know, I’m going for a walk. Why don’t we just go on a walk together.
Alex: yeah. Right. I’m going to walk my dog.
Nicole: Right. Come with me.
Alex: Anything, just finding any time at all I think is meaningful. You know, and just putting out the effort. I think that’s the biggest part is putting up the effort
Nicole: This is so good.
Alex: know, like just, just trying, because people, like I said, people, especially after the pandemic people, everyone is in this space of, they got real, comfortable chilling at home, um, Nicole: and we need to like get back out there and connect, but with
Alex: back out there and connect with intentionality.
Nicole: And I love that. I think if there’s anything that I’ve taken away most from this conversation. It’s intentionality. It’s the fact that the entire intention of any relationship that we have here has got to be that we are looking for something meaningful, that we are looking at the purpose, and there’s nothing wrong with, at any point you are in your life, whether it’s middle school or coming out of college or in your thirties to look back and say, [01:02:00] okay, I am really reflecting on who’s around me how they’re influencing me.
Maybe they don’t get to stay cause I’m worth, you know, giving out good stuff. Right? So you’re worth having the best people around

Alex: Exactly. I mean, like having somebody around you that you can learn something from, I mean, I can look at each one of the friends that I have and say, oh, he really makes me think about this perspective.
Or he makes me learn about this. I can actually name it and say, he makes me, she makes me think about this,

Nicole: whatever,
Alex: you know, but
then if I look at somebody and say like, this person,
Nicole: are they here? why are you here? Why are you even in the room right now? Who are, you
Alex: you know what I mean? What are they teaching me?
What can I learn from you? And if the answer is nothing, you
Nicole: it says a
Alex: And I know that I’m teaching them, so it’s a one-sided relationship and that’s, and that’s not something that you want to keep.
Nicole: Oh, That is so good. And so heavy. So if there is one thing that you think you would leave people with that you’ve learned about the value of friendships and how they can change you when you decide what you deserve, what would that be?
Alex: Um, I would say, just be confident in yourself. I think being able to make friendships and be successful with your whatever business you’re doing, it starts with being comfortable and, you know, uh, confident with yourself.
Nicole: Yeah, that’s good.
Alex: think that translates to everything
Nicole: and we’re working on that every single day. Oh my gosh, Alex, this is such a good chat, So many valuable insights. I know I’m going to listen to this one more than once to take down notes and I hate to say it, friends who are listening and keeping up with my content, I’m going to be evaluating you. And I’m going to be thinking, what do you bring to my life? So now is a great time to Venmo me some money. That’s right. Text me some compliments, you know, if you trying to stay on that list. So now is a good time as any. That’s so, so good. Thank you, Alex. So much for being here where can people, um, like, listen to your tunes, like uh, you played with some cool people, right? Like, is there, like have we heard anything that you’ve done recently or is there anyone that like, not recently, but anything that you’ve ever done, like, have you done any cool stuff that we might’ve heard of?
Alex: I’ve recorded on a recorded for Jill Scott. Um, yeah. And her singer, her single closure. Um, I just did a recording for a Meghan Trainor track. Um, yeah, I played, I played with, uh, Leslie Odom Jr. On the Kelly Clarkson show. So just, you know, it’s just kind of all over the place. And then like reggae scene played tribal seeds
Nicole: Oh cool. Oh my gosh.
Alex: It’s just kind of all over the place. My musical ADD.

Nicole: All over the place, but you’re a working musician And that’s what counts? will cool. What people will look you up on the internet? They’ll keep up with all your good stuff, Alex. Thank you so much for being here and I’ll have all your dets in the show notes so that people can click around and I would just keep up with you.

And do you have like a, what do the kids call it? A Spotify? One of those,
Alex: a Spotify
Nicole: listen to your to or SoundCloud? Is that what it is? I will have all that in this, in the show notes that you guys are able to keep up and click around and not worry about spelling.
Cause I know you’re all in transit. move into a mom things, but Alex, thank you so much for being here.
You’re incredible. This was great.
Alex: Amazing. Thanks for having me.

 

In this episode, I share:

• How to evaluate the friendships and relationships that you’re in,
• What to do if you know you need to let go of something or someone,
• Why I’m sharing my thoughts on Will Smith and Chris Rock, and
• How to allow for growth in your life even when it’s HARD!

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Find me on Facebook and Instagram
• Send me a voice message here
• To hear the episode about my girl squad, go here!
• Don’t miss the last episode with The Puffin, HERE!
• Follow my friend Luvvie Ajayi Jones on Instagram HERE
• If you love our chats like I do, I’d so appreciate a review for the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.