Nicole:

Hey, friends. So if you’ve been keeping along with what’s going on on social, if you aren’t, I’m over at Nicole Walters on Instagram and also on Facebook and TikTok and all those little Jimmy jams. But, you know, it’s back to school season. And you know that the Puffin, my little one, is 11 years old and officially in sixth grade. She’s a middle schooler and this is such a formative and important season, if you are a mom or an auntie or sister or heck, if you remember it for yourself. 11 to 15 is a wild season of life.

So, you know, a lot is happening around here. And I know a lot is happening in your homes with back to school and just transitioning into fall. So sending all the energy and vibes for that. But the thing I want to talk about is actually something that happened. And I don’t want to say that this chat is awkward for me. But I get a little fired up about it because it’s so personal. And if you are an adoptee or adoptive mother, or if you’re someone who’s ever been responsible for taking care of someone else’s kids, I think you’re gonna feel the heat, and the charge of what I’m going to tell you. It’s actually the most offensive thing that I think someone can really say, or at least up there with the most offensive things that people could ever say to an adoptive parent, or legal guardian or someone who’s in care of another child. And it happens often.

And it’s, I mean, I’ve had the girls, if you’re just keeping up, you can go back to episode one of season one to hear our story, our adoption story of how I got three girls, you know, gosh, at this point almost decade ago, at ages 3, 11 and 14, and now they’re 11, 21 and 24. And if you don’t listen to the pody, I do have a book that is coming up on October 10. But it’s available for pre-sale now everywhere. You can go to NothingIsMissingBook.com. It was just named as Glamour Magazine’s one of the top five memoirs in 2023. And it was also named as one of the top seven books by black authors in 2023 by Ink Magazine. So I’m really grateful, really excited about that. And, you know, we’re gearing up to publication date, which is October 10, but you can grab it now.

But the story of my girls and adoption and family and building a business and you know, beating stage for cancer, all those things are in the book so you can catch up there. But over 10 years, one of the things that’s come up often when people hear about your adoption, story, and trust, if you have fostered anything you already know what I’m going to say, but people often have an inclination to question, the best way to say I’m just being transparent, I’m getting them getting to that age where you don’t want to filter as much anymore. You know what I’m saying? We just want to say it. And this isn’t a headphone warning for the kids, but I am going to be forthright, where people will ask you, you know, or make comments around whether or not you can love your kids as much as a biological parent.

And I know some of you are like, what, like, people do not say that. But I will tell you, it comes up a lot, a lot, it is always a subtext or a conversation where people always kind of wonder if it’s possible to feel the same way, have the same connection, love them as much. You know, there’s always a sort of, and it’s the way that it said and the way that it comes up that I think a lot of you may not realize, you know, or heck may have even done yourself, you know, I’m sure what the best intentions because most people don’t mean to sound inappropriate when they say it, but it comes up.

And it’s usually comparative, as if you know, life is, you know, the love of a child is to be compared with biological, which is considered the highest form of love, all the way down to, you know, adoptive love, which is, you know, still really, really great, but not the same, right? Well, what happened this past week, really called to attention how both painful and difficult it is to see and hear this happen. And it happened because it wasn’t to me, it was to Alex. And, you know, obviously, to protect his privacy and the privacy of the people involved, I’m not going to name names, you know, but I will, you know, tell you about the situation.

So essentially, Alex was, you know, hanging out with some people, and the conversation came up about Puffin going back to school and he made a comment about how it’s been so amazing to watch her grow up. And you know, that he never thought he’d be parenting, you know, this way, so soon. And you know, how it’s just taken him by storm, but he’s so excited. He’s so proud of, you know, how much she’s matured over the year and how he’s feeling a little emotional, you know, watching her go into middle school and seeing her jump into this new chapter, and how meaningful that is, I mean, just really sweet stuff. And these are the things he says all the time, like, this is just when I tell you, this guy was built to be a papa, right, like that is just as hard wiring. And he’s a good, good man that way.

And one of the responses, you know, to the statement was, dude, you act like you raised her or something. And it’s interesting, because just, you know, to make completely and abundantly clear, he is raising her, you know, this isn’t a situation where, you know, it’s a measurement of when he came into the raising process, he is actively raising this child, every day, he performs all responsibilities related to fathering, and being present for this child, and he does them exceptionally, in a way that is only indicative of why I would want to have more children with this man, because we are all so blessed to have him in the role of a father in our household.

But aside from that, it’s it just kind of called into question, it was something that we were talking about, which, you know, I’m gonna throw out to y’all, and you can send me DMs about it or, you know, you can, you know, we can have a conversation about it on social, but when is the right time to say that you love a child enough as if they’re your own? You know, because it comes up so often where people will say to me, Well, you know, it’s not like you carried them? Or, you know, gosh, it’s so great, this is often what said, it’s so great, that you were really able to open up your heart, you know, to these older children. Or gosh, do you think that there’ll be any issue when you have your own kids? You know, just kind of, you know, will the girls be okay with siblings? Since you know, these will be your biological children.

And it is so interesting. I’ll tell you the standpoints, you know, if you’ve ever said something like this really just being curious or whatever, you know, or if you’ve heard this as an adoptive parent, the number one thing that adoptive parents always worry about, is one I would say by and large, being rejected by our children because we’re not their biologicals. Like, it is always on our heart. It is always something because we love them so dang much that we always worry that we’re going to come up short. The same way that biological parents worry that like we’re not enough or that we aren’t providing enough or that we’re going to mess something up, because we love our kids, we worry, you know, adoptive parents worry about all of that. And then we also worried that someday, in some moment, they’ll turn to us and say, you’re not my real dad, you’re not my real mom. And those words cut at your soul.

And the reason why they cut at your soul is because, again, as someone who has not carried biologically, if that is, you’ve heard me say this before, that is like 100%, the deepest love because I don’t want to take away from whatever it is to be a blood tie. And I only say that because I have not carried. It could be the same because I intend to carry someday, and I’ll speak to you about that once I know, you know, but if that is 100%, I love my babies. 99.9999. Right, like, I’ll give the smallest of inch for that. And so when I tell you that, if my kids said that to me, it would I would be devastated, you know, and I’ve been really blessed that is has never come out of their mouths, you know, but I will tell you, it’s like, the greatest fear is that, you know, you’re gonna love them this hard, and they’re going to feel like you’re still inadequate or not enough, or that they are still lacking in some way, shape, or form, based on your presence and who you are.

And you already carry that fear all the time wondering that any moment that could happen. I mean, literally for the entirety of your parenting of your children, at any moment, on any day, they could turn around and say that, and you just carry that right? To have someone articulate, externally, the very hurt and fear that you have as a parent is so painful. And then aside from that, I think a lot of people take for granted what it takes to be an adoptive parent. And again, I don’t say any of this comparatively, to being a biological parent. I think that is one of the other big misconceptions is that people believe that it’s comparative, like one is better than the other or one is realer than the other one is heavier than the other. Look, it takes a strong human to rear and raise and accept responsibility, financially, emotionally, all of the above, for a child.

There is a reason why, you know, through divorce through breakups, through you know, moving through whatever that a lot of adults, their inclination is to abandon or neglect their children. Because it’s hard work, it is not immediately rewarding, you know, on many days, it is something that is challenging to every part of who if you can’t grow yourself, right, because being a parent is constantly evolving and growing yourself to meet the needs of another. It is the ultimate sign of being able to give.

And I gotta tell you one thing that I’ve learned, you know, in my ripe old age, is that someone who can parent their pants off is usually a hell of a friend, and a hell of a spouse. You know, and, you know, Alex has always told me that when he was looking for a partner, one of the major considerations is, could I see this person being a mother? Because he always knew he wanted kids. And he has a great parental relationship with his own, you know, family. So he’s like, if I can’t see her being a mom, I know, she can’t be my spouse, you know, and he always says it was a blessing, because he got to see me being a mom and a dad. So you know, so he’s like, it’s like, I already know what I’m getting. And I love it, you know, but I say all this, let you know that, you know, when people talk about it as an adoptive parent, it takes so much, especially when you’re adopting older children, because you’re coming with like, pre-made stuff

You know, they’re arriving at your house, sometimes with a history that they don’t even know how to communicate, I can’t tell you how many times in their early rearing, when they were younger, they would tell me things that I would have to control my face to not show how I felt, because they weren’t even aware because of their limited worldview and their limited experiences, how not okay some of the things they’d experienced were. You know, and I just would have to, you know, Oh, tell me more about that. Well, how did that make you feel? When inside I wanted to, like, set everything on fire. You know, or I wanted to say that was never okay. I mean, there are times where I did have to say that but, you know, that was never okay, or that isn’t a thing. I mean, you are trying to meet all of their needs as an adoptive parent, in the regular sense, which is, you know, food, clothing, water, shelter, entertainment, nurturing, societal, you know, skill set, soft skills, hard skills, like sports, entertainment, like, you know, values, like you’re trying to do all of the things that you have to do as a parent every day, which can break you right, you know, is so, so hard to do, you know, as a parent or biological but on top of that, you know, usually if they’ve come into your stead, come into your care, it’s because there is trauma that may have occurred.

Or even if there’s a trauma, there’s a shift that you know, you’re always trying to accommodate or make up for and so, you know, to say that that desire that energy that acceptance of responsibility is birthed out of anything other than the purest love, it is difficult and baffling, right? It’s especially if the person actively chose it or sought it out. And that love when I tell you is it supersedes all it is unconditional because that child has wanted in the, in the worst of ways, right? In the best of ways. So, you know, so there’s that end of it, right. But when you talk about people who come into adoptive situations, like step-parents, or bonus parents, or, you know, someone who serves as a legal guardian, or a supportive communal village-style parents, so I’m talking about the aunties who have chosen to remain child-free, and are regularly involved in lives.

We have someone in our life who we just love, you know, my kids, Uncle Olando, and he is one of the most incredible, kind, generous, strong-valued and protective men, you know, in my kid’s life, and, and in my life, I mean, this man truly cares for me, he is like, you know, I didn’t even know I’d get a brother in my life, he is such a good man. And what’s incredible is, you know, gosh, I want to surround my kids with strong male perspectives. And, you know, figures because I want them to grow up choosing, you know, the right type of men, because they’ve only ever been treated with that type of respect.

And so, you know, my girls, Uncle Olando is a great example of, you know, someone who is in their life and fathering them, you know, with every ounce of their being, this man will show up at a science fair, if I’m running late on the highway, and I call him and I say, Olando, I am not going to make it you know, I for her presentation, I think it’s going to be late, you know, he will show up with a bouquet of flowers to make sure she has a person, oh, I’m trying to get teary, you know, my girls are so blessed, right? They’re so blessed. And so surrounded by love. And I would never question, you know, how long he has to be in her life, in order for that love to be legitimate.

And people don’t realize, though, when you say things like, Well, you never raised them from the beginning, you’re questioning the legitimacy of the love. And one, why? Why does that even matter? Why does that legitimate legitimacy even matter? It’s love, like, let him have it? And then the other question, and this is, you know, for those of you have heard this or may have said it, you know, the question that I always pose in response, because this happens often enough, you know, like, we’re, for instance, on Alex, for Father’s Day, you know, people were like, wow, I didn’t even realize you were really a father, you know, to say, Happy Father’s Day to you, you know, because he didn’t go through the pregnancy and the delivery, and he is newer to the father role.

You know, but oh, he does all the things that a father does, you know, and he shows up, and he has, experientially, you know, in private ways that we won’t share, but he has been exposed to and subject to things that he has had to help, you know, Ally, our little one heal from and support her in in ways that, you know, most fathers never do. And he’s excelled.

And so, when people say these sorts of things, you know, it’s really painful, because he’s over here, like, you know, how long do I have to raise her before I’m allowed to love her? You know, when we have our first biological child, you know, and add, you know, to our family, you know, is at that point, is Ali considered to be his, you know, or is he considered to be one of the people who’s allowed to love her well, in the capacity and form as a father? I mean, when I asked those questions, and you hear them, you know, doesn’t it instantly make you say, like, you know, what, is it three years? Is it a year? Is it five years? And also, why does it matter? If someone’s doing a great job, and they’re showing up and they care, why does it matter?

You know, if Ally ends up, you know, at the end of, you know, her life having 13 Dads, you know, not just for me, you God willing, right, you know, a god willing, not me, but you know, collecting male roles that serve as a father style experience and support system, uncles and dads and all of that in her life. You know, great. Great, you know, love should be multiplied, you know, and it’s just such a beautiful thing. And I spent some time with Alex, you know, we went out for we do a dog walk in the morning, we if you keep up on social, you know, we just got a dog and together as our family, we’re very much strong people and his name Sir Barrington McCoy. And Barry, as we call him, you know, is three and we got him from a local shelter. And you know, he’s living there for two months and sweetest best dog in the entire world and we’re working on walking on leash, you know.

He’s great on leash but he pulls a little. So we walk together and it’s kind of one of our family things in the morning. We’ll go for a walk in the evening. and go for a walk. And we just kind of get outside one of the beauties of California, you pay high taxes for the sunshine. So we’re on this walk, and we decide to go get coffee and bagels. And I can just see that Alex was really affected by this, because he’s like, I know how I feel, you know, if I’m able to know that I want to marry someone and commit to them, you know, within the first few months of meeting them, and you know, make that commitment within a year, you know, and know that this is who I’m going to be with at to the point where I’m going to make more humans with them, then how long does it have to be for me to want that same relationship with, you know, my future children as their stepfather?

So how can we in society, look at people who have been together for six months, or heck, people who are in arranged marriage and never even met, you know, if you look in Jewish Orthodox marriages, they have this time at the end of the wedding called the hood, which I think that’s the right word for it. And in the hood, it happens after the ceremony, and it’s actually the first time that the bride and groom are alone together. And if you look at, you know, some East Asian relationships, you know, they’re arranged marriages prevail, and same thing in, you know, Africa and Western Africa Central, you know, where the introductions are done through family. And you may not have that relationship at all, but you know, these marriages will last 40, 50 years, and you know, a lot of them will be just deeply in love. And it’s just very interesting, because, in those contexts, it’s considered, this is so beautiful, they just knew, you know, but then we’ll question it in the form of adoption, or a child, and maybe it’s because a child, you know, doesn’t have the freedom to opt into the relationship as much, but at least in our home, yes, they do.

I tell my kids every day, thank you for choosing me. Because we chose each other as family, all three of my kids, my 24 year old, my 21 year old, my 11 year old, I say thank you, every day that you choose me to be your mom, because it’s my greatest privilege. Like, I’m so grateful, you know, like, it makes me better. They’re amazing. And I love loving them. Like, it’s such a purpose in my life. And it’s such a beautiful blessing, I like the idea that I could be a mom of, you know, six, you know, kids is like, I don’t know if that would have happened without my babies. And I’m just so grateful, you know.

And so, assuming I crank out a lot more, we’ll see what happens. But you know, that being said, it’s just, I really want to encourage anyone who has ever wondered that or thought that, even from the best place in their heart, you know, of just curiosity to really just not say it. I don’t know how else to say it to you, you know, just, it’s not something to say because, you know, it’s already tap dancing on a sore place, you know, and then also, you don’t need to wonder because they do, you know, they do love their kids, and they do love them as much they don’t, they don’t worry about if they’ll love their bios more than the love, they’re, you know, chosen. 

And I also want to encourage you, if you’re thinking of adoption, or if you’re thinking of fostering, or if you’re in this situation, to know that, that question is crazy. And you don’t have to worry about it, because there is no magical number for when you’re going to start, you know, loving your child. And, you know, for those of you who are wondering, kind of what does this mean, in the greater picture, sort of the 30,000 square foot view looking down, all of this boils down to and this is what me and Alex came to after we were sitting down for our coffees for a while, people’s people imposing their limitations on you. You know, they may be uncomfortable with, you know, their parenting, and so they feel like, I have to uphold my parenting as a biological as above yours, you know, it just makes me feel better.

Like, no one can love their kids as much as I do, you know, or maybe they’re confused or uncomfortable with the idea, you know, they maybe wanted to adopt, and they can’t, because I hear this a lot. I can’t believe you adopted older kids. And I’m like, kids are kids, you know, like, everybody has their stuff. You know, my middle daughter is 21. And she is by definition, you know, as people would say on paper, like just a really easy kid, you know, smart, obedient, kind, generous, you know, independent, like just a really excellent kid, you know, and the can of worms that we got with her was stage four cancer with six months to live, I mean, literally anything can happen, you know, so it’s one of those things where, you know, kids are children, there’s no such thing on this planet as a bad child. It like unless that kid is a diagnosed sociopath. You know, there is no such thing as a bad child. They’re just, you know, dealing with what, whatever was assigned to them.

Kids are inherently born good and filled with worth. And so it’s always interesting because people say to me, like, oh my gosh, older kids, how’d you do it? And so it’s just one of those things where if you’re feeling that this may be a journey you want to take, you know, I just want to encourage you to consider, you know, that it’s Okay, and the love can be the same. You know, it’s amazing how the heart swells, you know. And then if you’re a bio parent, you’re still saying to yourself on hearing this, gosh, I just, I can’t believe that I wish that anyone could love their kids, like if they didn’t have that caring experience, or the gestational process, or, you know, all of that, because it’s just so big, I’m not going to argue with you, because I haven’t done it, you know, so I’m not gonna say that isn’t true. But what I will tell you is, do you love some of your kids more than other ones? Maybe because the pregnancy was easier or harder?

Do you look at your, you know, if you had to choose one, could you choose a child, you know, and I will tell you that it’s very similar, I think in that field, you know, where there may be kids that you get along with better, understand a little more or, you know, connect with more or what have you. But at the end of the day, you love your babies. And that’s very much how adoptive parents feel as well. And we just have to be very careful with letting our own questions, insecurities and thoughts affect other people. So with that being said, a special shout out to my Misterfella who has stepped up and showed out, you know, and has stood in every single gap and, you know, you divorce, you know, partners, and you don’t divorce children, and it just takes a really strong, strong person to step in and show up in every way, you know, because she is, again, as I started this off with, at that formative age, where, you know, she’s deciding what, what a true man is, you know, and I’m just grateful because I’m in a partnership with someone who does love her and carries and accepts her as a daughter unwaveringly and has done that from day one. And that doesn’t surprise me because that is exactly what a parent does. And adoptive parents are real parents.

Nicole:

Hey, friends. So this is a really fun one, because I am actually chatting with you, you know, I know that you may be in the car outside of target, grocery shopping, who knows, you know, you guys are always doing something fun when I’m in your ear, and I really cherish the time we get to spend together. But for today’s chat, I’m actually chatting with you, from my guy the Misterfella’s studio. Now typically, I make the trek down to the Dear Media Network Studios in Los Angeles whenever I try to have these chats. But there have been times where I’m not even kidding, I have done these tracks from my closet, using a microphone that I got off Amazon, in between sweaters. And it’s really great, you know, to have a fellow who’s or a fancy pants producer, because he can handle everything from my podcast and my audiobook to my trap gospel album coming in 2030. Listen, you’ve heard it here first.

<laughs>

But realistically, it’s just really nice because, you know, God’s made sure that there’s nothing that stands in the way of us having our time together every week. So I appreciate you being here, because I’ve got a story for you. And this is something that I can honestly tell you, I’ve waited a really long time to address and to talk about. And it’s because it has something to do with my kids, you know, and you all know exactly how I feel about the girls, because frankly, you feel this way about the girls, we are protective of our children, we care about their stories. And we also want to give respect to all parties involved so that they have room to tell their stories on their own. And a large part of that is why in my book, which is available for pre-sale now my memoir, nothing is missing, you can grab it anywhere books are sold, I’ve actually chosen to dive pretty deep in the story of my girls from my, you know, side of things. The story of growing up building a business, all of that, because, you know, I’ve said before, there are a lot of things that deserve pages, you know, and not just a couple of captions, you know, on social media, but I do want to start touching on a few things, as I have been here.

So I’ve talked about my health concerns. I’ve talked about my divorce and some of the issues I ran into in my marriage. You know, I’ve kept it high level, but there is something that I’ve actually never spoken about anywhere and we’re gonna chat about it here today. So this week, I unexpectedly, I suppose, I had a call from my girls bio mom. And we call her the bio Mom, we always have, you know, I’ve had my girls for 10 years now, if you’re just popping in and listening to this one for the very first time, go back to episode one of season one of the Nicole Walters podcast, where I tell you the story of how I became a mom, you know, too long didn’t read, I adopted my girls from the side of a Baltimore City street after knowing them for 30 days.

And that was 10 years ago, I am in all ways, shapes and forms, you know, Mama through and through. And, you know, the little ones that were 3, 11 and 14 are now 11, 21 and 24. So, all that being said over those 10 years, you know, I have made a point of allowing my kids bio mom to not just maintain her privacy, but to act out and live her journey. And I’m not really sure much about her, you know, I’ve never shared her name or her face. I’ve never shared any details about her, or, you know, her background outside of the fact that she was struggling with addiction. And that, you know, she, in my personal opinion, you know, was a victim and succumb to sort of societal structure and systemic processes that are in place that really did not aid and support her in recovery from her trauma, as well as recovery from her addiction because addiction is a disease.

And instead, you know, she’s spent a lot of time incarcerated and trying to pick up her life thereafter. And, you know, we partnered in raising these sweet girls, because I was in a situation where I you know, fortunately did not have to battle disease of addiction, you know, and I fortunately I was younger and you know, just had God positioned me to be able to be in a place to be a mother to these girls in the conventional sense. But there’s one thing I always want to say and that I want to say here now, their mother is always their mother. And it’s weird to say that out loud, because I love my babies so much. I literally don’t even know what I don’t know what it’s like to carry kids biologically. But I think I’ve said before that, if giving birth to your own kids is 100%, then I love my babies 99.999. Because I just I don’t want to take away from what that connection that process is to have your blood flowing through your baby’s veins. But I just I don’t know if I can love them more than I do. I love them more than life.

And for that reason, I really, and truly have always really respected and had the deepest love for their mother. Now, I’d be lying and you guys know how transparent I tried to be here. If I didn’t say that our relationship over the past 10 years has had its highs and lows. And I think any adoptive mother out there any foster mom, I mean, heck, anybody who’s gone through divorce and had to co parent with a difficult or non-present or neglectful parent can relate to this as well, you know, or a parent who has mental health issues or addiction or whatever, you know, I think anyone who has had to share parenting in a place where you must listen to another person who you feel may not be as readily helpful for whatever reason, can understand that there are major frustrations that can come with that journey and that process over years.

Particularly because and mamas you know this, kids are kind of formulaic, am I right? I mean, the only thing is that once you think you figured out the formula changes. So you know, you know that in the beginning, it’s eat, sleep, poop, you know, all the normal things, you know, entertainment, that it becomes, teach them a couple of things, manners, society, things, you know, clothing, habits, life things. And then it becomes teach them a little bit of social interactions, things like that, then it becomes you know, okay, we’re late teens or early 20s. How do you want to show up in the world? What does that look like for you? You know, how are we going to apply the things you’ve learned?

So needless to say, you know, things change, and you hope you keep up. And you also hope you get to battle against, you know, the exposures they may have from the rest of the world. But nevertheless, you know, it’s understood that there are certain things that must happen in order to have healthy functioning children. And when you co-parent, you know, which I guess is probably a version of what I was I did in the especially in the very early stages, early stages meaning about 30 days, you know, with my kids’ bio mom, you know, it’s hard to have a parent that may not understand or have the capabilities for whatever reason to do that as well, to follow those systems and follow those processes.

And I have to say, you know, my kids bio Mom, I am so impressed by her. And I admire her, because more than anything, she did something that I can easily say I would never do. I would never do it. I could never, in a million years, give my babies to anyone, ever. And it’s crazy because, again, you know, I’m not battling some of the things she’s having. But I will never question if she loved or loves her children. She does. She loves all three of her babies very, very much. She has done her very best, her very best since day one with whatever situation she was in personally, whatever she was battling personally in that moment to show up in the way best suited to that.

So, you know, it’s so interesting, because I think that it’s common that whenever people hear about situations where an addict has to give up their children or a mother who isn’t capable, in whatever season to parent her children, they really want to demonize that other parent. And I gotta tell you that for me, it’s far worse when you are a healthy able bodied adult who is or was involved in a child’s life and you opt not to participate any longer. And there’s nothing wrong with you and you don’t have anything going on. You’re just choosing not to. That’s really what needs to be demonized, you know, it’s the healthy parent who has chosen to, you know, for whatever reason, selfish or, you know, personal to just not participate in their child’s life. That is something that I think our society should be shaming, and there’s tons of that, you know, everywhere you look, right?

But when you talk about the parent who you know, really just isn’t able to participate because their addiction has taken them over. But they do what they can to put their kid where they where they’re going to be safe and where they’re going to have enough. You know, I just really always want to celebrate that in her. And, and I can tell you, you know, one of the questions that often came up was, is she still involved in their life? I get that question 24/7. And I have to tell you, she’s always been around, you know, and around, meaning, sometimes it might be a longer gap of time, you know, anywhere from a couple months to years. Other times, we may hear from her regularly as every week, you know, and of course, we’re going to be realistic, you know, some of these things have to do with sobriety, or they have to do with finances, or they have to do with the amount of trauma or scenarios that are in front of her that she also has to juggle whether it’s her own health or, you know, death or other things, you know, and I can tell you one thing that has always made it very clear to me that she loves her children when she is in her healthiest space, is that her baseline is her babies.

Whenever she is well, she wants to be involved with, see her babies, interact. And, you know, I have to tell you, even the way she interacts with you know, our littlest one, and I say our because you know, she’s we’re moms together, you know, our littlest one is that she is interested in her. And you’ve heard me say this before, that whenever we wonder if we’re good enough parents, if we’re showing up enough, if we care enough, if we love enough, you know, the one thing that we have to remember is that if we’re interested in our babies, then that is that is a good place to start.

Do you want to know what’s going on with them? Do you want to know how they’re doing? Do we want to know who their friends are? Do we want to know what music they listen to? We may not like or care, right? We may not be Swifties ourselves? Come on, let’s stop lying. We’re all Swifties <laughs> we may not be interested in doing every tick tock video or tick tock dance or whatever these kids are doing but the truth is, you know, we still are interested in what’s going on with them because we know that’s what shapes them.

And I can tell you that my kids bio mom is very much that, you know, she asked questions about their school because she still tries to call as frequently if she is able, you know, how are they doing in school and you know, how’s Daya doing with her recovery, my eldest and you know, is Chrissy doing well in college and, you know, does Ali, you know, like her dance project as she remembers things, you know, the best she can and when she does visit, you know, and I can tell you, she shows up more than I’ve heard some divorced dads, you know, show up in kids lives. I mean, she really does her best. And she will always have a little gift, you know, whatever she can do, if she remembers Ali saying that she loves to crochet, she’s gonna bring some yarn for her, you know, and it may not be something that kids can understand and recognize as much until they get older.

But as a mother, I definitely can see, those things mean that your baby is on your mind, even when your baby isn’t in front of you or in your home. And that thoughtfulness is something that is healing, and it’s good for the child. And it’s why, you know, I’ve always made a point to keep her around, you know, and I mean, and I don’t have to, you know, just to be transparent, you know, as the mother of my babies, you know, legally, you know, and spiritually, you know, I don’t have to, we don’t have any formalized rules around that. But we choose to, you know, we choose to be a family. And I’ve always seen it, and I’ve always expressed it, especially to my little one, that we’re lucky because more people in your life to love you as a better thing. You’ve never lost, you only gain, you’ve got multiple mommies and multiple daddies, and lots of dogs and multiple homes.

And just you are just a girl who’s so loved and so wanted, that just everybody wants a piece, you know, because you’re just the greatest and it’s really been a blessing, particularly for our little one. Now, I will also again, counter that with addiction is difficult. And I don’t want to minimize that for anyone who’s listening and has suffered the trauma and the repercussions of having either a parent with addiction or a partner with addiction or mental health issues. You know, my older daughters have and I also am saying this just in case my older daughters are listening to this or listened to this later. And I always want to honor their experience as well and validate it. They’ve seen and experienced things they never should have gone through. And some of that’s addiction, some of that’s trauma, all of it is choices. And my daughter’s, my older girls, you know, unfortunately have lived through things that people only have nightmares about. And it’s heart wrenching, it’s sad, and as you know their mom Oh, my God, if I wish I could take it all I would in a heartbeat. I’d carry it for them.

But I know that their mom still loves them. And I still allow them as they’re older, you know, out of full respect and honor to what I have not witnessed and been part of, to dictate the nature of the relationship they want with their mother. But it’s just been a real blessing to serve, as you know, and I’m grateful for it, honestly, it’s been 10 years. I don’t know what the next 50 years will bring, but to serve as a balanced intermediary. You know, I facilitate wherever I can, I encourage wherever I can, I contextualize, which I think is really important. Whenever something happens to try to give them the balanced view of it, you know, honoring how they feel, but also honoring the fact that there are elements there they may not understand and things that their mother may be carrying.

And, and I have to tell you, it has been for the better. You know, my girls are working through their pieces, they know they have a mother that is secure and always present and never leaving in me. But they also know that they have this other experience that they’re going to have to piece their way through and work their way through and come to a level of healing that allows them to be aware of this woman.

So this past week, we were really blessed to have a visit from the bio mom. And it wasn’t, it wasn’t uneventful. It was sweet. You know, and it was nice. And I’d be lying if I said that, you know, I think if you’re an adoptive mom or a foster mom, or even a stepmom, you know, who isn’t a primary parent role. You know, Alex, my Misterfella has shared this before that, you know, he’s a little protective over, you know, the little one. Because, you know, as the full time daily dad, you know, who’s doing all the dad work and showing up and, you know, a truly being there for her in every way, shape and form in ways she has never experienced before. You know, I think that he has some sensitivity sometimes, you know, when he’s like, oh, you know, like the other dad, you know, popped up or didn’t or is there for a visit or whatever, you know, like, just those sorts of experiences. When something comes up there, he definitely feels a feel, you know, because you just when you when you love you feel, you know, and I had that too, you know, I’m 10 years into this, and I am the primary mom that Ali knows, you know, when she thinks mom, she thinks me, you know, and I know this, but there was something about seeing her sitting next to her mom and seeing them share features, you know, or little habits or, you know, recognizing their things there, there’s a connection, you know, that is unique to them that on one hand, I felt so honored and privileged to witness and I’m so grateful, I’m trying not to get emotional about it, I’m so grateful that she gets to have this, you know, and I’m taking pictures and taking videos, because as someone who has an older daughter with addiction, I know that anything can happen. Anything.

And so, in watching these moments over pancakes, and you know, in parking lots and over puppies, you know, watching them laugh and hug and, you know, share stories, and I’m just snapping pictures so that she can have them forever. Because when she gets older, I just want her to always know that she always came from love, no matter what the world threw at her, she always came from love. And it was because she’s deserving. And she’s worthy. And she’s wonderful. And as complex as the stories you’ll read in Nothing is Missing can be you know, and as difficult and challenging as some of the, I mean, some of those things will drop your drawers and some of those things will make you cringe. And some will make you gasp, you know, as mothers and sisters and women and friends, you know, and internet aunties of these babies. 

But I can tell you that when you’re raising babies, in a collective, you know, with step-parents and multiple dads, and adoption, and all these different pieces, it’s so easy to feel like you’re doing something wrong. And it’s so easy to be scared to let people in. And it’s so easy to worry about what that’s going to mean about where you stand, and about if they’re going to be okay, and their identity and their exposure and there are so many things to worry about.

And what I learned this week as I reflect back on this time that we had and scroll through these photos and just see the brightest of smiles and I see the joy and the security, you know, I feel like we secured her sobriety for another couple of years just from some of those hugs you know. Is that ultimately if everybody is working in the best interest of these sweet babies, as we have so diligently and so hard for these past 10 years that for these babies, nothing is missing.

They have all the love in the world. They have a mother who’s watching over them 24/7. They have a mother who even though she may not see them, has them in her heart and mind. And no matter what they’re gonna be okay. Love is actually multiplied. And I’m really grateful because in this particular situation, I know some of you have had questions about it, and maybe experiencing it on your own, I have to let you know that. It can work. It’s messy. It’s complicated, but it can work. So I’m excited for you. I mean, we’re only a couple of weeks out. And I think by now I’m coming up, when you’re listening to this episode, I may have already announced that I’m going to be on tour. So we’re going to see each other in person, you know, really soon.

I’ll be coming to a couple of different cities around the East Coast. And I’ll be hitting some cities, and I think Texas and Illinois and definitely California. And what’s great is I actually think bio mom may be popping in on a few of those, which is really special, you know, because she’s part of the family. And when you all are reading this book in just a matter of weeks, I really hope that you see the honor and the love, and the gratitude, you know, that I have for my weird, wonky family. And I also hope that you see a little bit of yourself in it. Your weird, wonky family, you know, and I hope you see a little bit of the possibilities if you’re looking to build a family and know that it doesn’t have to look a certain way for it to be very, very right.

And if you’re dealing with any complexities with co-parenting because God, who isn’t, right? I want you to know to have hope. That sometimes there are seasons where parents aren’t able to participate the way they want to or they may not understand the value of participating the way they should. But know that things can change. And all that matters is that your kids know that they are seen and loved and heard.

So thank you for taking time to hear me today as you always do sweet friend. Jump in the DMs and let me know kind of what you’re dealing with and send me your best parenting tips and above all else, if you have other people in your life who are loving up on your babies, I’m one of them. Make sure to give thanks because you are so so deserving.

Nicole:

Hey, friends, I love our chat when we’re able to bring another person in. And you know, we don’t typically do that most of our time is just us sitting down having our one to one time going over life and the rest. But I want to let you know that today we are chatting with someone who I consider a dear friend. She is someone I respect. She is also someone that I know you respect, because you have probably, if you have little ones, let her into your home.

Sounds creepy, but it’s not. I am so excited to introduce and have here today, my dear friend that you know, as Miss Monica. Monica, I’m so excited that you’re here with us today.

Monica:

Thank you. Thank you for that introduction. I’m so happy to be here.

Nicole:

Oh, it’s amazing. Now, I will let you talk a little bit more about what you do. But I just have to gush a little bit because this is how I am. So Monica, if you don’t know, is a harsh I hate to say YouTube sensation because it sounds so cheesy. But it is true. Particularly during 2020. I think that’s when people really were like, what are we going to do with our babies? What is the best content? The dear sweet Miss Monica entered our world as a teacher, as a guide, as entertainment and literally helped us raise our babies.

She has one of the most popular kids programming around preschool age children, I think some toddler content as well. You know that people watch and consume and it’s just incredible. This has gone into live events. She has products. I mean, there are partnerships, there’s so many things she’s doing.

And I’m excited because we’re going to talk not just about, obviously, you know, it’s cool the business side of things. But honestly, when you’re a creator, you have a personality and a life behind all that. So tell us a little bit about the show just so people can know, if they haven’t watched it, why their kids need to watch it.

Monica:

Yes. So circle time with this Monica was born in 2020. March of 2020. I’ll never forget it. Yes. Because yes, the pandemic hit and everyone was like, What am I doing? What? How are we teaching our kids at home? And also schools like my school? We did. They didn’t know what they were doing.

Nicole:
Who even knows what we’re doing now! Let’s be honest, we’re still a mess. Okay, most of us right now don’t know what we’re doing.

Monica:

Yes, I am a day to day type of person. But yes, so I created what I want it to feel like a classroom experience. One, I wanted it to be a classroom experience for my students that I was teaching at that time. And then I opened it up to the public. And I wanted parents and families to be able to give that classroom experience to their children at home.

Nicole:

It really does feel like that. Because you have like boards. And what I love is, with your content, you break the screen. I remember this when I was younger with like lamb chops play along, you know, where Lamb Chop would like kind of look out into the screen and say like, well, I don’t see anyone there. And when I tell you that’s so necessary for the little ones, particularly in 2020 because they didn’t have peers, you know, it was beautiful.

Monica:
That interaction, I want that interaction. I want them to speak to me. I want them to think they’re speaking to me, like talk to the TV.

Nicole:

We have you to thank for us being in the other room and hear the kids be like blue. That was you. You were responsible.

Monica:

Not only are they talking to the TV, they’re like tapping it because I use a pointer because they want to teach too. When the parents sent me those videos, those are hilarious. So they’re like tapping the screen.

Nicole:
That’s hilarious.

Monica:
Don’t call me if it breaks! So we started, I really started the show for preschoolers, but now it has really evolved and now I have two shows. So one is circle time toddlers and one is circle time preschool with Miss Monica. They’re all circle time with Miss Monica.

Nicole:

It’s amazing, y’all know Monica, people notice you when you go places now because you have this relationship. I mean, your show people see it every morning, there’ll be popping on some people go back and watch back episodes. We know these kids have iPads at restaurants, in the car. I mean, you’re throwing a phone in front of them just because you need a few minutes of quiet you know and I just want to say momma’s there’s so much out there about screen time and we’ll talk more about that in a minute but realistically do what you got to do to get by okay like and what is great is your content is rock solid for that so what’s the like when you get out there being recognized or you recognized more by kids or adults?

Monica:

Really by adults. I feel like kids, they’re not the ones who say something first usually because my demographic is younger, sure, baby stare but they stare because it’s the whole concept of your on my screen but your real your in person. So it’ll take them a few moments to like process. But with the parents, I was recently in the airport in Charleston airport. It was so funny. And I was just sitting having my coffee, it was like 6am I was getting on the 6am flights and…

Nicole:

Please do not talk to your favorite creators and on a 6am flight. We love y’all we love to say hi but 6am!

Monica:

It was a 6am flight. I was just sitting there you know, airport face. Dad I saw a mom and a dad and a little toddler walking by. But the dad did a reverse instead, Miss Monica. Oh, cute as their son just stared at me. And it wasn’t until like, literally the four minute conversation was coming to an end. He’s like, hi.

Nicole:

Oh my god. Oh my god. It’s so sweet. So nice. And I mean, I just one thing that’s great about you is that people love you, you know, because there are countless stories, especially here in LA of like celebrities or people come up and like I can’t especially now I don’t, I don’t watch like Vanderpump Rules, but everyone talks about it, you know? It’s like that’s like a whole thing where it’s like, I imagine if I was I don’t even know who the good guys and the bad guys are. But there’s one character that people do not love. And it’s like could you imagine being that guy who will commit you’d never should have done it on someone sorrows so upside is we are well loved.

Monica:
I’ll take all the smiles.

Nicole:

I mean, even better, you get littles you want to come to like, Oh, I love you. That’s great. So I want to take people back, to move them forward, because again, most people met you in 2020 through their kiddos you know looking for solid enriching, you know, content that teaches them. 

So I want to know when you first got into this, you know, you started off working with kids in real life, actually, you still do you still offer courses and teach and you have programs and day school and preschool like so if y’all want to know more about that head over to either your YouTube page or where else where can people find that stuff?

Monica:
Yes, Preschoolexplorers.education.

Nicole:
Perfect, perfect. Please look that up because, you know, she’s a great teacher, like great educator. So look that up. But that said, Where did you start? And for the mamas that are listening and saying to themselves, well, I just teach, I don’t know. How did you make that pivot?

Monica:

Yes, that I started teaching well, back in 2003. I’ve been in the game a long time.

Nicole:
Yes. It doesn’t feel that way. I’m not gonna lie. It feels like that was just the other day. <laughs>

Monica:

Honestly, it feels like just the other day I was commuting in or my hour into the city back out of the city. Yes, I don’t. I don’t really miss those days. But I started in the classroom and then moved on to doing some independent teacher work, agency work. I’ve always been a special education preschool teacher. So I’ve been able to try different things because I always knew I just didn’t want to be in the classroom. But I never knew what was outside of that. So I doubled and dabbled in different things. Luckily, I worked in New York City, one of the largest districts and so there’s so many programs going on so I was able to work for the district, work for agencies and try a lot of different things. But that was me that was a lot of different things but I really didn’t know what the other side of teaching look like.

Nicole:
Well let’s be honest most of us who ultimately got into the Creator space didn’t know because it didn’t exist I mean I when Instagram came out with threads you know the Twitter competitor tool I literally I’m saying to myself when it came out I was like so who’s going to become the like new god of threads the new like you know thread cool person because they you don’t know how to even say growing up oh, well, I’d like to have my own TV show that’s available from people’s cell phones you know that they can show to their kiddos, like are you kidding?

And also like y’all don’t know Monica has personality but she is like everything you see online she has a light right like she is truly like you want to leave your children with her you’re like they will come back better for it you know like it’s a soothing voice all of that so I want to know when you said you were going to do this because you are a try-er like you are able to try but that comes with feels and I don’t think people realize it because you seem you’re such a natural. Like really when I watch your content it feels first of all shout out to the husband wife team right? Yes, produced well edited it looks so stinking good. And I kind of want to pull back the cover if you’re okay with it.

Monica:

I’m fine with that.

Nicole:

Tell me do you have like a huge studio or team? How did you get started? Tell the truth.

Monica:

I will tell the truth. We got started in my living room and three years later it has never converted back to a living room. Like if you all want to really be honest, like we are still shooting out of that studio. Yes, we rent space here and there when we need large, large space but it’s still our main space.

Nicole:
Wow.

Monica:

Which you know, eventually we’re gonna evolve out of that but that’s where we started.

Nicole:
How does that feel? For all the moms, knowing that because you know just just for the moms who may be in this stage right now where they’re like home with their babies which you know, it’s okay in the right place to be but as you’re starting to dream big and think and you know, or the people out there who are creators and saying themselves because I’m not even kidding influencer and Creator as a job now, right?

So I have my kids saying, Oh, well I want to be an influencer mom I need these things. I need this camera I need I remember when having a Canon T3i whatever was like the move right now. It’s like stop playing like, what do you do with that all broke, you know? So it’s like, I’m not even kidding. These kids are out there with the list of stuff they need, you know, to even start but the truth is, I just love saying how did you start? It was just in your living room.

Monica:

Just in my living room. I would, I mean, my husband, thank goodness is a filmmaker, videographer by trade. So he had some extra cameras and let me use the broken ones.

Nicole:
Right. Like, it’s like we’re doing this under the budget, but you weren’t like, let’s go to Best Buy and film.

Monica:

I didn’t buy anything new. I used an old camera and I just said, this is what I’m going to do. I just need, please just give me a tripod and a one shot single shot. One view. That’s it. That’s right. And I literally took off if you guys want to hear a funny story, I literally, because it was a pandemic, I had to run to my school begged the director to let me in because they didn’t want anyone in the school. It was closed. Oh, yes. Oh, yes, regulations. And they said You have five minutes to go to your classroom because I said, I just need stuff out of my classroom, for sure. And I literally ran upstairs, got everything off of my wall, I just ripped everything off the wall, put it in my bag and came out and was like, I’m done.

Nicole:

Wow!

Monica:
That was my circle time wall that I ripped everything off. And that’s where the name came from.

Nicole:

So you were literally thinking, I just want to keep teaching these kids exactly right? No, I don’t know where this pandemic is going. Right? I can think of my babies at home. I just want to keep teaching them because honestly, this is what the teachers were doing. You know, they were but they didn’t have, you know, five minutes to run in and grab stuff. And you know, and a lot of them aren’t okay, on camera, you know, if that’s a thing, or they weren’t prepared for it, you know? So you were thinking, how can I make this as seamless so this isn’t a gap?

Monica:

Exactly. I just got to recreate what was already in the classroom, and make it look authentic enough for the kids to feel like okay, well there, they still have some connection to me as their teacher, and then for the new children who were just meeting me yet that they can connect with me.

Nicole:
What a gift! I just like, I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you because you know, people just love your content. But like that thought process, that awareness, you know, is such a gift because these kids, first of all, we all joke about how pandemic kids are different. You know what I mean, they really are, though, and this really helped a lot. So thank you for doing that. So, okay, now, let’s fast forward, we are three years deep in this world, over three years. And you’re doing this full time?

Monica:
Yes, I am.

Nicole:
Wow. So you’re doing this full time. So after the pandemic was over, it wasn’t like, Let’s rush back to the classroom. You’re like, I’ve got kids that I’m serving around the world.

Monica:
Yes, I had to make a big decision. Yeah, was August 2020. And I had to decide, am I going back in September? Or am I going to do this full time? So I chose the full time to go ahead and leave the classroom and just go for it. And literally, it’s literally day by day challenge by challenge or opportunity by opportunity. And just going for it. It’s really all I can say I did write, you know, they’re always questions like, Where is this gonna come from? Where’s that gonna come from? But I am a risk taker. Definitely through and through. So I had to go for it.

Nicole:

Yeah. And I love that. And I also love the truth of and I don’t think people say this enough in the Creator space, you know, is because again, like, yes, there’s the Miss Monica, we love your content. But there’s Monica, the person you know. And so I think that a lot of people forget that, that day to day is so real. And I can speak to it now living in LA, during the writer strike and the actor strike.

When I tell you I have peers that are like, Look, I’m not a writer or an actor. I’m a director of photography, and I don’t work right now. You know what I mean? Like, this is real, or I, you know, got paid residuals on this, not much to begin with, you know, but it really is day to day. And I think that there’s an honesty and knowing that your favorite creators, you hear in the papers the 22 million, I get paid 200,000 of video, whatever, that’s not most of us. That’s not me. I don’t know is that you Miss Monica?

Monica:
That’s not me! <laughs>

Nicole:
But I will tell you, though, that I think a lot of people forget that there’s still a good living and good impact in the middle. You know, so many of us, if we can’t envision ourselves at that, I’ve got all the followers and I’m making 10 million a year and getting paid this that we either don’t want to start, or we don’t know where that our value is. But I think that you’re just such a great example of someone who truly helped, I mean, you are helping us raise our kids, you know, like, so the work you’re doing, we can’t even argue is meaningful. You know, but aside from that, you’ve managed to make a living where you’re able to, I mean, your skin is clear, your edges are here. Like I know that money’s getting spent proper.

Monica:

I’ve been working on the edges and the skin for some time, because of Nicole Walters. And the brows!

Nicole:
It’s an investment! But that said, you know, you’re making an income, you’re able to support your life. So that said, you know, the work that you do within the Creator space of having a, you know, YouTube channel that’s super successful, but also meaningful work. You know, yes, you can keep doing content every day. Yes, you can keep growing it that way. And that makes sense and you know, how to serve that way kids are gonna be born all the time, you will not run out of people who will watch right? But I want to know, as a teacher also and someone who’s worked in various fields within teaching, including special education. Where’s the gap? Where do you think that you really stand in the gap around content that’s like uniquely, you know, for an audience. I have my thoughts on where that is, you know, but I’m, you know, I’m planning on having some new littles, you know, so I just want to know, like, where do you think that you offer something that is really different?

Monica:

Well, one, I think I come in with the classroom angle, because I felt at that time, especially in 2020, I felt like there wasn’t this classroom angle or this classroom opportunity. For children who learn at home. There are so many children who learn at home until five or even six.

Nicole:
Yeah, right, they don’t enter until even longer. I feel like after the pandemic, people are like, my kids aren’t going back.

Monica:
That’s true. And then you have that group of parents, which is a huge, huge community of parents who are teaching at home and trying new things. And so I really feel I fill in that gap of children who are learning at home, giving them like a taste of what classroom could be like, with a real teacher, and then also…

Nicole:
That’s a huge part too. No shade to the other creators but I think that it is really important that people understand that having a real teacher is like having a real lawyer, you know, all of us can use Google, all of us can have some ideas, but remember, these are your babies and you just want to know that, yes, it may seem like I’m just teaching you colors, or I’m just teaching things. And all of that is valid and true. But understanding different learning styles and techniques and right, like all that stuff matters.

Monica:
It’s just the little things, the skills are things you may, if you’re not an educator, or you haven’t just been in the classroom, we’re taught children, you may not even know, it’s so simple, but just those little things.

Nicole:

I feel like it’s the interactivity, like knowing where to ask for prompts and where to ask for questions, because, and I’m not gonna lie, and I’m guilty guilty, y’all know, I will be the first to throw myself out there, as a parent, frustration, because we’re attached to our kids.

So like, you know, in the teaching, knowing where to step back and say, like, you’re still learning or this isn’t, we haven’t done this lesson sufficiently to do a prompt. I’ve noticed with Miss Monica teachings, you’ll have like recurring themes, you know, through different episodes. So it becomes something that kid is actually learning and investing and prompted for.

Monica:
Absolutely. Especially with the younger years, the three to five, even birth to five, let’s just say they need the repetition, right? It gives them confidence that they know what’s about to happen, oh, they can answer that question. You want them to have success. It’s so necessary.

Nicole:

That’s so good. And that’s what I mean, as a professional, you know, these things. And so I just love it because you do get to turn over and you being a real teacher is a huge value add to your content. Another thing that I just like, I have to call out yeah, in case y’all did not know. I mean, most of y’all know Miss Monica but I love that your content is diverse, and that you’re bringing on lots of different people. Like I saw the episode with Mary cherry, where you, you know, came to Los Angeles, and you visited her and you did a project.

And, you know, I just think that there is so much value behind that different visual representation, you know, and some of these hands-on experiences.

Monica:
Absolutely.

Nicole:
That is so powerful.

Monica:

Yes, the collaborations are oh, it was always fun. I was even able to collaborate with a company of bilingual birdies and bring them on. And they have a bilingual puppet, and Spanish and English episodes and just talk about different languages, teaching children that there are different languages and ways to communicate. And that was so amazing. Yes, it was really, really fun. Yeah, I want to do more of that, more diversity, bringing more guests on. The puppe tree is always really great.

Nicole:
It’s also really important now I think, especially as these kids because I think people forget that when you have a preschooler, their world is really your home. Unless they’re going to preschool you know, and I forget this honestly, with my 11 year old, I’m like, when was the last time we took her out of our neighborhood? Because like, we’re like Monday through Friday, she’s back in school back in school. And then she comes in, if we don’t take her somewhere on the weekend, her whole world is like five blocks.

Monica:

That’s normal. It’s like your bubble.

Nicole:

Bubbles, right? Yeah. But we don’t realize that as adults, because we might be like, oh, I want the sushi on the other side of town. Or oh, you know, I have worked. So I have to travel here. Like, it just doesn’t even and we’re also aware of travel, these kids don’t go anywhere unless we move them. So that value, right, the value of Miss Monica is that you get to take them to these places and introduce them to things. And then also if you are a Spanish speaker or Spanish speaking home, how special that you’re getting to see a bilingual episode and say, oh my gosh, this is what we do in our house, you know, and it’s just so it’s just you really do such a lovely job with it. So, I want to know, and now we’re going to like set aside the awesome behind the scenes of the Miss Monica empire. It’s so cool. We’re excited about it. We’ll circle back to talk about you know, what’s next, I want to talk about you.

How does it feel every day knowing that you are working with your partner? I have worked with a partner, I’m going to give some tea, just a smidgen of tea right? This is like lukewarm tea. It’s not hot, right? But it was not easy working with my partner you know, like even though we had our different areas which helped and we had our different perspectives which helped tremendously. I struggled with it just because I am a big believer and it’s just so hard to find someone who loves it and is as passionate about it the way you are.

But I learned quickly, therapeutically, no one should be, right? Like it’s your thing. So why would you expect someone to be like as into it as you are that’s not even realistic. So what does that like? Have you guys just clear role assignments? Because your husband’s a professional too? Yeah. So it’s different.

Monica:

I mean, it was tricky in the beginning, because it turned out in the beginning was just like, oh, he said, Well, let me help you. You look like you’re struggling, right? You’re doing a lot of work. Right? Let me help you. He came on. And because everything was so new, it’s like, we’re learning roles. Are you gonna keep helping me? Or, you know…

Nicole:
Right! Were you setting me up? Or are you here, you know, to work with me, yeah, right. Right. Right.

Monica:
But no, naturally, he was excited and wanted to do it too. Because then it was his work, right. So luckily, he loves cameras and so perfecting that, trying new things, he was excited to do that. But yes, we butt heads. The first year was really difficult. I mean, it was stressful.

Nicole:

So let me just ask this tiny question about that. So that doesn’t surprise me because I was gonna say creatively, as you’re trying to create, because the concept didn’t exist before. So I think a lot of people don’t know, with TV shows, before a camera even shows up, oftentimes, we know what we’re gonna say, who’s gonna be on camera. If it’s done, right? Let’s not play, like, I’m sure anyone can nod and be like, Look, some of this production stuff can be a mess. But in a perfect situation, you know, like, frankly, what the format might be for 26 episodes, you know, like what you’re doing. But you’re kind of saying, Look, this when I did my classroom, because some of those early Miss Monica episodes do not look like the ones that they are now.

Monica:
Absolutely not.

Nicole:
And not in a bad way. They just have evolved. And there’s, there’s, like so much better. There’s a comfort there, because you know, what you’re delivering to the kids what they like you’ve gotten feedback. So for you, I want to know, like, the butting heads in that beginning was a creative, you know, just for anyone who’s listening right now and wanting to maybe tap into their husband’s talents and gifts, or their husband wants to lend it. How does that feel? Like is it you know, what I really wish I’d known more creatively, myself first, before I kind of tapped my husband or do I wish that, am I glad ultimately, we did that part together? Like what feedback do you have on that?

Monica:

Yes, I can look back and say, I’m glad we did it together, we learned together. I think what was most important, we had to understand communication was important. Well, I will say that communication, really defining our roles, and then separating personal and business, which is still hard.

Nicole:
It’s SO hard.

Monica:
Because we live together, we work together.

Nicole:
Yeah, just being hungry. When I get hungry it’s a problem. It’s like I’m hungry right now and you are talking to me about wanting to film just one more shot? No.

Monica:

Yes that has happened and I’m like we’re getting through this, although I’m usually the one to say no, we’re working through it and he says can we take a break? Craft services is here. Because he’s a professional.

Nicole:
I get it.

Monica:

There’s no craft services.

Nicole:
No, no, this is the house.

Monica:

Okay. I mean, of course, looking back, I know all of these things now. But it was patients working with one another, thank goodness, where we wanted it as bad as we did, right. But now it’s really clear, clear, defined roles. And he has his business. I have mine. And we it’s like now it’s more of a professional relationship where, okay, we know we have this thing, or I like, a little bit. Yeah. And I have to be more responsible with dates, I have to stick to them. Oh, that was hard.

Nicole:
Yeah, hey, today, I want to say, or like I was gonna do this, but then I saw this. So I just wanted to change this a little bit. No, content.

Monica:
And he says no I have other things to do.

Nicole:

So that helps. No, that’s really, really good. So, um, but that said, when we talk about growth and expansion, you know, there are some elements of the work that you don’t do, right? Like, that’s just not like, you are definitely talent and obviously, content creator, writer, you know, all those pieces, you know, how does it feel knowing that as your brand because y’all just tiny, teeny tiny spoiler alert, it’s getting bigger stages, right? So as you’re seeing things grow and expand, and you’re getting increased opportunities, and new partnerships, and all of that, you know, what do you see for yourself? And how do you want to serve these kids more?

Is it getting back to in-person? Is it, you know, different forms of media? People don’t know you have a little album, like, tell us more about that!

Monica:

Yes! Definitely different forms of media. I don’t see myself getting back into the classroom, like a physical classroom.

Nicole:

I feel like you’d be cheating us. Truly, truly, like there are some people where it’s like, I love what you do so much. Please don’t ever go back. You know what I mean? Like the hours, you know.

Monica:

Yeah, I can’t do it. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. And of course, I love connecting with the children. So the way I see it is in the future a tour. Yes, I’m doing more music, that has been something parents have said, more music. So I am doing more music because they’re all original songs…

Nicole:
Y’all don’t even know the studio okay!

Monica:
Mind blowing still to this day. I’m coming out with my first official circle time with Miss Monica album. Just a few more weeks. It’s coming.

Nicole:

I love I love you at the same time because I’m like when my kid comes I know because kids heavy rotation. I have an 11 year old. Do you know how often I have heard Sean Kingston’s Beautiful girls. Like she picked songs for like 2001 and she will play them back to back. Like I know you’re gonna be in my house.

Monica:
Yes my popular song is the Good morning trainees coming how are you? Choo, choo! Ready? Get ready Nicole!

Nicole:

No! Not Choo, Choo!

Monica:

Every morning. <laughs>

Nicole:

Oh, bless it. I’m telling you, I’m gonna drop these kids off at your house so quick Monica, you don’t even know I’ll be like, listen, let’s go visit the real Miss Monica. Because I’m not Choo-Chooing but it’s great. Like I’m excited to hear that they’re also all these different ways to serve you know some of us I think, say to ourselves well, I do just want to do music for children, but I don’t have the YouTube channel. Well look here you are falling into other things based on what you’re doing.

Monica:
I had no idea the fact that I was a classroom teacher and all the preschool and kindergarten teachers know you make up your own songs, you say the nursery rhymes, you make up your own songs, that’s what you do.

Nicole:

I even sing directions so I don’t get mad. I’m like, come on, let’s go outside. Let’s go outside. That is what we do. Just so I don’t rage.

Monica:
That’s the heart of preschool education. Singing everything. I do sing everything. It’s like “Oh, I’m holding this black pillow so like black pillow, black pillow.” I sing everything.

Nicole:

Listen, y’all you don’t understand this is it right here. Diddy, sign her. Like we need to get you on bad boy records <laughs> like it’s the new children’s division led by Miss Monica.

All jokes aside, did you know Snoop Dogg has a kid channel called like it’s like doggy land kid…

Monica:

You said it.

Nicole:

And he just signed that little girl, that four year old, van man.

Monica:

I did read that.

Nicole:
They just signed her. I was like she’s so cute. But no, he just signed her and I was like not this four year olds out here with who, first of all shout out to Snoop for building a brand where he is one minute with Martha Stewart and the next minute signing a four year olds to a hip hop label and beating a murder charge. The young people don’t know about that. Okay, the young people don’t know about it, we’re gonna take it all the way back, take it all the way back.

Monica:
<laughs>

So look, when people are at home and you’re saying can I do it? Is this possible? You think about things like that like that. Absolutely!

Nicole:

And you evolve as you evolve where you start is not where you end up, hopefully if you’re doing it right.

Monica:

Absolutely.

Nicole:

So I love this you know that I’m anytime you come to LA I’m like me me me come see me. I love it all this and this is so I think inspiring and encouraging and it’s rare that we get to see the behind the scenes of someone who is in our home all the time you know but I just you all if you don’t know Monica is everything. She is one of the best, kindest, safest, which really matters, people to have in your world and around your babies. And we know that album is coming soon. Where else and what else can we grab from you?

Monica:

Just circle time toddlers preschool. Of course I have enrichment virtual programs for children at preschoolexplorers.education and you can find everything at MonicaJSutton all across social media.

Nicole:

Oh, I love it. Follow that. Let your children follow, consume, learn. It’s a blessing. Thank you for being here.

Monica:

Thank you for having me.

Nicole:

Hey friends. So you know that whenever the Misterfella comes in, we’re usually talking about like, something crazy in our relationship or something that’s come up or whatever. But y’all get it, you know our relationship, we share it on social, all that stuff, ask me questions in the DM, we’ll get to it. And maybe we’ll follow up later, as things change.

What I want to do today and this is really like, vulnerable, transparent, whatever you want to call it. I am bringing in the Misterfella to pick his brain for y’all live and in-person. Because the way he thinks, trips me out sometimes. And I’m going to be very vulnerable and saying this, I have not had the best luck in relationships. And you’ve heard me talk about this, with starting fresh, starting over, I go into it in detail in my book, Nothing is Missing, which is available now for sale – everywhere books are sold: Amazon, Barnes and Noble. Grab your copy. I’m super excited to get into your hands because it really does add color to a lot of what we talk about here through stories and lessons and all that jazz.

But honestly, part of what makes the book so good is a lot of what I’ve learned in being in a healthy relationship. And some of this I’ve learned literally just because this guy that I’m with was raised so differently from me. Now, I do want to throw out as a caveat. You know, some people may say, Well, it’s because he is a male because he is white, because he is privileged. All those things are true. He does have those privileged things. What I am talking about here today is that this man has incredible parents, like they are imperfect, like all parents are, but they have done a really good job raising him around his mindset and his sense of self worth. And that has really shown up and how he picks who he is with, myself notwithstanding. No I’m a hot mess. I really am literally just trying to figure out why he even plays with me like this? I don’t know.

But all that being said, he is here today. And I’m really excited for you all to learn more about how he has approached picking his partners, what he has learned to tolerate and not tolerate within a relationship and how he gets himself out of tough spots.

We talk so much about fresh start, but it’s the ending and getting out of them to get your fresh start that is so important. So today, we have the Misterfella, Alex. Hey, babe!

Alex:

Hey, what’s up?

Nicole:

Thanks for being here. I’m excited that you’re here. I’m treating you like an interview guest.

Alex:
Let’s go.

Nicole:

It’s different. It is different. It is. It is different. I’m excited. Yeah, cuz you know what? Yeah, cuz, you know, normally, we’re hearing we were talking about our relationship or giggling and whatever else, you know, but like, we got coffee. We are

Alex:

I know! It’s a vibe.

Nicole:

It is a vibe. I’ve said this before, even when you’re not around. I really admire the way you think, you know, like, even though we’re in a relationship, you’re someone that I would pick to be friends with, you know, like, because I just liked the way you.

Alex:
Because I’m awesome.

Nicole:

It’s not. I mean, yes. Yes. No, but no, it’s because you’re humble.

Alex:

Oh, yeah, super humble. Well, so humble.

Nicole:

No, no, but seriously, seriously. No, it’s not that it’s the fact that you there is a cool confidence and certainty that isn’t egotistical around the way you approach relationships. Does that make sense?

Alex:

Mmmhmm yes.

Nicole:

When I say that, yeah, like it’s an awareness that I can tell is rooted. I’ve met a few people in my life like this. Another one is this amazing woman that I’ve mentioned. I don’t think I’ve mentioned here to this group of friends, but her name’s Precious Lee. She’s a supermodel. And she is phenomenal. Like when I tell you this woman is a powerhouse. And we were working on an opportunity together here in Los Angeles. And when I sat down and heard the way that this woman talked about, spoke about herself, and she said her mom, you know, always told her like, Girl Like, you’re amazing. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. Like, you are the greatest thing that’s ever walked. And it wasn’t ego-based. You know what I mean? It was just simply like, no, like, I bring a lot to the table, like, why would I settle?

You have that same energy and it doesn’t feel like snotty or weird, you know? Does it sound crazy?

Alex:

I know, I know what you’re saying you know what I’m saying I’m it’s funny because I’m now thinking about where that comes from.

Nicole:

Oh, I’m excited because I want it. Let’s first, let’s talk about what it is. So part of why I think this conversation is important is as women especially black women, women have you know We’re all women and black women of color are all marginalized. And because of that, we’re often told that if we are braggy, if we have standards, if we are in relationships who are not receiving what we deserve, that we may be asking for too much, or we have an ego or we are, you know, just over the top. And that has become perpetuated and become worse, because we’re now seeing conversations online about women saying things like, oh, no, he’s not taking me on an ice cream date. Oh, he’s not taking me for coffee, like he better be creative and inventive, or put down some money if he means it. And there is such a split perspective about that, because there’s some sort of identification in the date, correlating with people seeing the worth of the woman.

Alex:

Yeah.

Nicole:

Have you seen those sorts of conversations?

Alex:

Of course, yeah, of course. And I’ve you know, there are, there’s definitely split thoughts on it, you know, because on one hand, it’s like, oh, yeah, I really want to impress this girl, let me get, let me put that. But on the other hand, there are plenty of guys with money where that money actually is meaningless to them. And they’re like, Yeah, I’ll throw down a couple bills or you know, whatever it is for this date. And it actually doesn’t mean anything, you’re essentially trying to just wine and dine just to like get in their pants.

Nicole:

Yep, talk about it, tell the truth. That is the truth.

Alex:

Or there’s the other side, there’s like somebody who like, oh, let’s get some ice cream or coffee to sit down, actually get to know the person because you’re interested in the person and not trying to impress them. So there’s both sides because you want to show you care. But you also want to not, you don’t want to feel like like, I don’t know, you’re buying them…

Nicole:

What type of guy are you?

Alex:

I’m the like, let’s go bowling guy.

Nicole:

So you like an activity.

Alex:

I like an activity where we can, like, just loosen up, you know, just relax. And also something to keep us entertained but we can also have conversation in the meantime, you know…

Nicole:

For a first date, though, because that was a good amount of time. Bowling is like an hour and some change. It can be.

Alex:

It can be and it’s good. Because if you’re having a good time, you can always pay for another game. But if it’s terrible, you spent like an hour and a half.

Nicole:

That’s a lot.

Alex:
Relatively short date.

Nicole:

You think that’s a short day, an hour and a half? Oh, man, some people can’t get 20 minutes for me. I’m expensive.

Alex:

I mean, I have gone. I mean, I’ve gone on a date before where I pieced out like 30 minutes. Like it’s not like I was like, Oh, this is clearly just like not it, you know?

Nicole:

Wow. But was it like a date that was styled to be an hour and a half?

Alex:

It was like a coffee date? Probably.

Nicole:
Yeah, it was just like a casual. So I’m gonna tell you my take on that. And this is something that I ran into when I was dating, like while when I met you, but even before I met you, because I obviously stopped dating after haha. So I ran into this where I would get sort of the mixed bag, right? And I would get the guys who maybe got some inclination that I come from means myself like I have my own, that would then try to like overdo it. You know? And I mean, I’ve told you about some of these dates, like…

Alex:

You’re so used to a certain standard and they’re like, Oh, I gotta either meet that or superseded it.

Nicole:

And only use to the standard as an assumptive right? Because you know, me, I shop at Target. I cook my own meals, like I’m not fancy, but you actually probably have nicer tastes than I do when it comes to the day to day. I guess, I pretty much don’t care.

Alex:

Wait, we have this recorded, right? This is recorded. I’m gonna need that cut out. It’s going to be my ringtone.

Nicole:

Oh, no. Listen, listen, you know that I’m only picking in certain areas. I like a nice meal. Right? But I can make one myself. And I also like to travel well. Those are really the areas where I care the most. I like and my maybe my housing like I like to make sure my home is like safe and clean. But other than that, I’m not. Where else am I really, I shop on Amazon. I shop at Target. I cook like I’m just not super fancy fancy like that.

Like and whereas a lot of like I’m not a shoe. I don’t have closets full of shoes and handbags and gems. I have a couple of nice pieces.

Alex:

You have a couple of nice pieces and you really appreciate good, good well cooked and seasoned food. And your season is very, I said what I said.

Nicole:
It’s true, it’s true.

Alex:

And you like to travel well.

Nicole:

Right? Well, yeah, and so like, but that’s also because I don’t vacation enough so but I do. Now all that being said, though, people would think like I’ve had guys show up on dates be like, Oh, I got you this handbag, you know, like designer bags, and I’m just like, it’s weird.

Alex:

Weird.

Nicole:

So it always strikes me as strange. So like, I did coffee dates, and I liked them because they were respectful of my time. And it was an initial introduction and then we would commit to, it’s kind of like in business or in consulting. It’s like the discovery call but before the actual session. It’s like an intake form before we sit down for the actual VIP day.

Alex:

Sure, yeah.

Nicole:
So like that makes sense to me. But you know, a lot of women you know, in this argument are saying hey, this date thing is correlated with how much you value this initial interaction or how badly you want a wife from but it’s like, I don’t even know you yet. Like, that’s my take on it. Right? Yeah. And I still think that, you know, being respectful that all exists outside of the construct of the date is how you treat me on the date. You know what I mean? Like I’ve gone on, my first marriage. I believe I can even say that, Oh, my first marriage started with a quick date. You know, it was just like getting crepes, whatever else, you know, and look at how it turned out. Right? You know what I mean? So I just don’t think that the two are and I’ve been whisked away, like I have had full on fancy dates, you know, and I did not marry those guys. So…

Alex:

Right. And it’s and now I’m just curious, and I’m sure maybe some of the listeners are curious. Like, for an example, you said, somebody got you a bag?

Nicole:
Yes.

Alex:

Like what is like the most outrageous thing somebody like, gave you on a first date?

Nicole:

So I will tell you the most outrageous first date I was on was not, it wasn’t just about the gift. It was about the date. It was, Do you mind? Do you mind for me to do like, surprise, you know, do you want me to just do like a surprise for you. And I was like, Sure, which was weird to me, because I was kind of like, it’s all a surprise. But this person was a public figure. So I didn’t worry that they weren’t going to murder me, we were set up by our agents. So on this first date, they picked me up. Then they drove me to a private airfield. And when I got onto the plane, there was a purse in my seat in a box, you know, which I recognized the designer box and the size and so I knew it was a bag probably, it was a bag. And then we went to a private dinner at a fancy restaurant. You look like you’re cringing right?

Alex:

No, no, no, no, go.

Nicole:
Yeah, it was nice. Yeah, it’s a whole. It’s a whole lot. When we went to the dinner. With each course of the meal. It was a five course meal. There was a small gift. So there was like jewelry or whatever. And for me, I was like…

Alex:
What type of jewelry?

Nicole:

Cartier. Yeah, like actual like, it wasn’t, but it wasn’t expensive. Cartier was like 2000, 4000. It wasn’t like, like 15 or 10,000 Cartier, you know what I mean? Make no mistake, that’s a lot of money. Like, I’m just saying that the way Cartier is set up, like the a five course meal could be it could be equivalent to a single piece too. So it was just a lot, apparently, yes, I would say like gifts wise, they probably came out of pocket 25G’s for a date. And then if you count the flight alone, you know, flying private, they didn’t own the jet. You know what I mean? It was chartered, but I would say that they it was probably like between 30 and 40k. And it just wasn’t required.

I literally was like, look, I mean, honestly, I would have given you two to three days if you would have just wrote me the check. Just give me the three days. And the thing is, there was I’m not the type like…

Alex:

Right, like, here’s $25k, go pay some bills. <laughs>

Nicole:

I just, it was just weird. And it’s like I what I also thought was funny about it was I’m not the Instagram, there’s a category right of the lady who readily makes it clear that they are available for dating at a certain price point, you know, and I’m not that type. There’s nothing about me that indicated whatsoever that I was the, you know, showing myself, my wares on the net, you know, and you can just kind of this is what you’ll get from me to date this way. Right? Like, that’s just not my energy. And we were set up by my agent.

Alex:

And so how did the date go? So the person was nice. I also felt like just to be fair, also that this type of data is the type of date that they like. So does that make sense? Also, even though I felt like they were trying to impress me, it didn’t feel like a unique date with me in mind. And it also if they were trying to do something special, it wasn’t about me. And then it also felt like, but it didn’t feel like it was like this is how they travel or this is the type of life they have. Right. So you know, okay, yeah, right. But ultimately, I was like, we can be friends. Like it wasn’t something I was that entered, the conversation was kind of lacking. They were headed in a path in their life where I could tell they were looking for someone who would stay home, you know, and like be we had things in common like we wanted family. You know, all that, but I just was not right for them, for what they wanted.

Alex:

And so I got you a salmon roll.

Nicole:

You did. It was so sweet. I loved it so much.

Alex:
It’s so funny because comparatively it’s like okay, if you’re talking about the amount of money somebody’s going to spend…

Nicole:
No it was the intention.

Alex:
You got somebody who spent 25k or whatever more gifts and a lavish first date and we got sushi and I got you a salmon roll.

Nicole:
It’s true.

Alex:
And now we’re engaged.

Nicole:

That’s true. I came in on our first date. And I arrived a few minutes after you, maybe like 10-15 minutes after I arrived. You already ordered a couple of food items. You didn’t do the full thing but you’re like just in case you arrived hungry? Right? Because it was a little it was a latest dinner. It was like seven you’d already know. And I remember thinking to myself, I will never forget it registered. I was like how thoughtful, you know and like that to me, resonated.

Alex:

Yeah. And it’s like, so it’s just like funny. It’s those little things. It’s not the amount of money. It’s like the thought and the intention and just getting to know a person.

Nicole:
And which brings us to to the thing that I, you know, this conversation that’s happening where they’re like, you know, what messaging are you sending as a woman when you’re willing to accept a hey, let’s meet up for an ice cream cone, it’s a heatwave, sis. The message is, it’s hot outside.

Alex:

Because it’s hot, it’s gonna feel really good. And let us help. You know, like, yeah, right?

Nicole:

But, but you know, some, some women also are like, no, like, I want you to put money behind your intention, which I can, I can understand that.

Alex:
I can understand both sides of it, you know, and it’s like, if you really care and want impressed, like, go for like a nice dinner, but you know what I mean, like, a nice dinner is fine, it’s a good gesture.

Nicole:

But also, just be real, I feel like that’s reserved for if I knew you before, or if you were introduced to me through someone, like maybe, but if I want, if a guy really goes, not all out, but plans a little bit second date, to me, that’s a second date thing, because now I feel like you’re doing it for me. And ideally, you’ll integrate things that you may have learned during the first date.

Alex:

So on the first date, I learned you like this type of food. So let’s go here.

Nicole:
Right! That seems more meaningful to me. So in any case, all that being said, let’s talk about how this relates to this sense of worth this, you know, all these pieces are choosing your partners. So I’ll kick it off with my vulnerable share. You know, with my previous relationships, one of the things that ultimately I think led to the demise of, I’ve had multiple relationships, you know, my previous relationships was that I quickly, it’s a very, like consistent pattern, I would enter the relationship with an expectation of how the relationship would go, which is always a downfall, relationships should develop together, right?

That is something I’m doing right in this one, right. But I would come up with an expectation, this is what a boyfriend is, and this is how a girlfriend is, right? And then I would do the relationship and I would find that certain things that I think are standard in a relationship, whether it is being helpful towards your partner, being kind towards, you know, their family, or their peers, being encouraging of their goals and aspirations, showing up on time for things you say you will do, you know, even if you read my book, domestic violence, you know, like, there are different aspects, you know, that came up during, you know, many of my previous relationships that were, shockingly, to me, at least a surprise that weren’t in the understanding, right, that, like, we’re all on the same page.

And what’s interesting about that, is that part of what led to the demise of the relationship was that I would stay in these relationships way too long, you know, like, my domestic violence relationship was I was much, much younger, you know, I was in like, not even in my 20s, you know, it was one of my first boyfriends that I’d ever had. And I literally, was with the person who would convince me that like, well, this was a one off. You don’t I mean, or this was because I came home in this state or whatever.

And so I talk about it in the book, and I think a lot of people would be surprised to know that about me. But, you know, I thought that like, Oh, this is the standard. And then when I realized that wasn’t the standard, that was when I would leave. Until now in my 30s, you know, I’ve officially learned that no, you set your standard, you know, what I mean? And someone and they’re also things that are really, truly just standard, like your partner being kind to you is normal. Like, that’s why you’re in a relationship, right?

And if someone is constantly convincing you that that’s not the case, then that’s not the right partner. So I’m even saying these things I’m looking at you like, right, I feel like that’s how it goes.

Alex:

You’re on the right track.

Nicole:

Yeah. So our relationship, obviously, never none of these things have ever been an issue. But you’ve not you haven’t had this problem in your dating?

Alex:

Like, domestic violence?

Nicole:

No, no, of course not. That has not been an issue in yours. But I’m just saying that, like, you haven’t had the issue of recalibration of your standards, even though you’ve…

Alex:
No there was.

Nicole:

Ok well tell me more about that because what I’m talking about is the fact that like, you have always been very clear, like, no, like, my partner should be good to me. Like, that’s something that like whether or not you’ve accepted less, but you’ve always known it.

Alex:

I’ve always known it, but because I’m very empathetic, and I try to be understanding and always give the benefit of the doubt, you know, and I always try to see the best in people, you know, just like you do. And you know, I had an experience where I stayed in a situation that wasn’t super, it wasn’t, it wasn’t physically abusive, but it was more mentally, emotionally and emotionally.

Nicole:

So tell me more about first the part where it’s like getting your understanding of how a good relationship should be and look, where on earth did you get that from? I grew up and my parents were not great together. I talked about that in the book. They were not good together. I would wish they’d get divorced. You know what I mean? They were not good. And all my relationships therefore were… I just thought a woman’s job was to serve. Right. That was her greatest value.

Alex:

Yeah, I mean, I mean, yeah, my parents were a good example to me. For a lot of things, you know, like, I would see them fall asleep on the couch together, or my mom would get her hair done, my dad would always make sure he complimented her or found something to compliment her, you know…

Nicole:

He still touches her butt.

Alex:
He still touches her butt. Sorry parents, putting you on blast, but…

Nicole:

It’s true, though. It’s like we noticed and I love it.

Alex:

You know, my dad sometimes, like pat my mom on the butt. I’m like, those are like the little things you know, I observed and like, you know, picked up and they probably have no idea that I but it stuck with you. But it stuck with me, stuff like that stuck with me or like my. So the whole sense of self worth and understanding there. It’s so silly.

So my dad had like two sayings that he would repeat to me growing up that I never thought much of or I’m like, Dad, you’re a broken record. You know, like, Yeah, I heard you, I get it. Blah, blah, blah. So he was always in, he would always say it in this silly voice, which made it stuck even more, because I’m ridiculous like that. He’d always be, Be yourself! Be yourself. You know, he would always just say it in this silly voice.

Nicole:
When would he say this? Like, if you like, asked him for advice?

Alex:

Like if my friends were doing something or I saw something on TV, he’d be like, no matter what, be yourself, you know, you know, it’s like, I don’t know what accent it is.

Nicole:

He is a silly guy.

Alex:

Yeah he’s a silly guy and that’s why I am the way I am. Yeah, but it was just like the be yourself thing and, you know, he always said, do what you love, and the money will come. And those two phrases, like, for me kind of created this framework for myself, where it’s like, if, okay, I always live my life by the golden rule, treat others the way you want to be treated. And so if I always stick to that, then, you know, hopefully, I’m always doing the right thing.

Nicole:
So it has informed your decision making.

Alex:
And informed my decision making. And, you know, when you know, in life, you come across things, and that are, you know, just not positive influences for your life.

Nicole:
Let’s keep it real, like, what, like, when you’re because you’re in music…

Alex:
I’m in the music industry, everywhere you go it’s like sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

Nicole:
You just have to decide all the time.

Alex:
I’ve run into all the things and it’s just like, you have to decide what’s right for you. And you know, and I have in the back of my head, my dad being like be yourself.

Nicole:

And so but like, how did you decide what was your self versus the self that was required or required or requested?

Alex:

Well, because I would listen to what my gut was telling me if I saw that all these people are doing something and I didn’t want to do it, then I didn’t.

Nicole:

Can we pause on that for a second, because that’s the thing. Listening to your gut is something that I know that for me, was like, routed out. Like it’s part of the like being in bad relationships, because one of the sort of symptoms, that relationship that isn’t great is someone making a question your gut, you know, and your intuition. I’ve talked about this before, here, you know, with fresh starts, no one has ever, ever said, Oh, man, I went with my intuition. And what a horrible idea that was, you know what I mean? I listen to my gut, and what a fail, you know, people are always like, I listen to my gut, and thank God or I should have listened to my gut. And I wish I knew.

And so, I’m telling you in relationships, one of the things that I’ve seen, at least in my relationships is like, a symptom of me knowing the eventual demise was I wasn’t listening to my gut, right? But you grew up knowing that it was, because your dad would say, be yourself, that your gut was something that was worth listening to.

Alex:

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Nicole:
It’s a big deal.

Alex:

And so, you know, like, for example, you know, when I was in college, I was with somebody who drank a lot. And it was like a constant issue. And I tried, we tried to work it out. And I just realized over time, I’m like, I deserve you know, better than this. And then I broke it off, you know, I was with another girl for like, five years. And I never proposed or I never really saw a marriage happening, because it just wasn’t right, because she was kind of trying to, you know, she was Haitian, and she was brought up with a certain image of what a wife should be, should the value know the value system there.

And, you know, at the time, I wasn’t looking for the perfect housewife, I was looking for something else at the time, you know, I would align with you or something that would align with me because what everyone is looking for Isn’t this like, textbook thing. Everyone has different values, and everyone has something that they everyone has a different image of what they want in their life, and it’s important to get to know it’s great for the right person or person or yeah, she’s rather a different person, but that’s not what I what I wanted, you know, at the time.

So it was just, you know, listening to my intuition that like, I’m like on paper, you know, these are all the things but it just didn’t align with what I wanted. And it just, it wasn’t gonna work.

Nicole:

And so what happened? Because I brought this up with you before, and I want to have this conversation in front of my friends cuz I think it’s valuable. So you were in these relationships for a while. And that’s the thing that I think, you know, I’m hoping anyone who’s in a relationship because something that lands on my DMs a lot that you know, I would talk to you about is like people saying, I’m trying to get up the guts to get divorced or change my job or change my situation and getting up the guts, well, hey, your gut is clearly already telling you, the minute that you start feeling that it’s probably not right is probably the first step towards it being over, you know what I mean.

Alex:

Yeah but it’s a very big leap from feeling something was right. And then to actually do something about it.

Nicole:

Yes, yes. So how do we help people make that leap? What were some of the things you are looking for? Because I know that for me, I knew from probably and I talked about this, you know, one year into my relationship, we were having issues, right. And I’ve talked about this the entire time, because, you know, my entire marriage, I’ve been public on social media. So I’ve talked about that. We’ve had to get counseling here, we are still working on things here.

Even in the pandemic, I was like, well, we are on a thread, you know what I mean? So people have seen it coming. I’ve never tried to pretend like my relationships where I was never that person. But I didn’t listen to my gut. And if my gut knew one year in what you know, I have no regrets. I have zero regrets about being married to my partner, zero, you know what I mean, and I have zero regrets about having my babies and having the life that I had, if it got me here, everything was right, you know, so I have no regrets. And I don’t have anything evil or terrible to say about this person. Because in the season I was in, it served what it needed to serve.

But I absolutely knew things one year in before I finished the 12 year relationship, and I did not listen to them. And I probably did three to four years in that relationship that didn’t need to be there. You know, and they need to be there for other reasons. But you know, I probably could have just peaced out, stage left, to the left, to the left. So that being said, Why do you think he stayed? Like what signs for me it was that I was ignoring things because I was told hey, no, you should expect this. How dare you ask for this? This is normal. You know…

Alex:

For me, there was always the element of, oh, maybe they’ll come around maybe though, changing Listen, or be willing to do this other thing.

Nicole:

So it’s like looking at what do they call it? Looking at the potential? Not the person?

Alex:

Yeah, looking at the potential of what could be. But you know, after some time, you know, it’s a combination of that. And then also, the part of it is that I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. I don’t want to hurt anybody.

Nicole:
Well, that’s just you’d being nice,

Alex:
Yeah, but that’s probably a lot of people you stay, because you’re like, oh, that’s mean, like, I don’t want them to feel bad, it’s gonna break their heart, I feel so bad, right? And that’s a big part of it is that like, there is no way, when you start to realize there’s no way to fix your circumstance without hurting somebody else.

Nicole:
Or yourself! It’s someone’s gonna hurt, it’s either you in the relationship or…

Alex:
Somebody in this situation is going to hurt and the longer you stay, the more it will hurt. And that is a hard realization, because it forces you to do this really uncomfortable thing.

Nicole:

I just had a like, I’m not kidding. You just gave me like a Aha moment, you know, because that was something that came to me during my, like, sort of big split, you know, was that one of the big turning points was my partner saying, like, you know, I want more, I want different, I want whatever. And me looking at them saying, I don’t know if I can do that for you. And not even like when I tell you heart of hearts, like Oh, I feel even teary about it now, which is, I gotta tell you so weird to feel this way in front of you, you know, but I wish I could have done that for them. You know, it was this, like, I wanted my marriage, you know, and I guess it doesn’t feel weird because you know who I am, you know, how I committed and how I love hard and I am all in and I wanted it to work so badly. You know, and I wish I could have been what they were asking for. But I also could feel that I was like, I can’t even do this and if I stay I’m like, they look hurt. You may mean they look hurt. And if I continue to stay here and not be this thing that they think they need. I just keep hurting them. And that’s not okay.

Alex:

Yeah, it’s but it’s one of those things, you just don’t want to hurt them. You want to try to work it out.

Nicole:
And if I stayed longer, I would have heard of them more. Or at least they would have thought I was hurting them more or whatever. You know what I mean? Whatever it’s in their brain because they want certain things feel deprived from whatever…

Alex:
And the longer you stay, the more the relationship goes on. The more stuff you deal with together, the deeper your relationship goes. So when you finally break it, I mean it just hurts that much more…

Nicole:
But you can get past it.

Alex:

And like the bottom I mean like I feel like the bottom line of it is like whether you make that decision today or tomorrow, it’s knowing that you have to make that decision and actually making it. You know?

Nicole:
That’s so true. I think one of the things that I find to be interesting is like for me, I kept on so so the phrase I often use, and I talk, I use this phrase in my book, and I go into detail around it. But it’s a phrase that I don’t think I’ve talked about much here, but I’ll talk about it now is that in my relationships, it felt like happiness was a moving target.

It felt like once we would hit a certain goal, it felt like, Okay, well, I know, we hit this goal, but I don’t feel happiness so it’s actually this goal. Now, to some extent, you know, if you’re like, quote, unquote, power couple, whatever, you know, there’s nothing wrong with having ambition and drive and pushing it. But then there’s also when it’s not that when it’s like, I cannot find joy and contentment, because, well, nothing I do is made up, right, because, you know, I’m dealing with my own junk, right.

So part of, you know, that was something I was used to, for my own parents from, you know, all this stuff that I detail in, in, you know, text, right, but I will say that, there’s also the element of that being in a relationship where it’s like, no, and you’re crazy for thinking that this would have been good enough, you know, or you’re crazy for expecting me to show up this way. Or you’re crazy for thinking, I don’t have a right to tell you that it should be this, or it should be that or this is what I want. Or no, I can never do that thing, or I can’t be that thing. So I’m not gonna lie to you, when you talk about the, you know, the girl that you had a long term relationship with who was a housewife, like, in my head, I’m like, she was goals.

Like, I’m like, I know, that sounds crazy. Because I mean, I got you now so don’t worry about it. Like, it’s fine. But like, she took care of her home, she had a great job. She was kind of I know that there are elements there, you know, to remain offline, because you know, personal relationships. We always respect, you know, our previous partners. But overall…

Alex:
Overall she was great.

Nicole:
She was beautiful. She was smart, you know, like, you know, all of those things. So it’s just interesting to me. How did you keep yourself from not convincing yourself that you were the problem? Because here you are with someone. I know. You just took a deep breath. I’m just saying, how do you know you weren’t the problem?

Alex:

I mean, I guess I don’t.

Nicole:
Oop!

Alex:
I guess I guess I don’t know.

Nicole:

What is it? Taylor Swift says, Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me. Right?

Alex:

Yeah, right. I mean, I guess I don’t, but all I know is that it wasn’t working. And I wasn’t like, I wasn’t like super satisfied in my relationship. You know, there would be so many things, where we wouldn’t match up with things that we liked or things that they’re things that I convinced myself wasn’t important to me. Or wasn’t about my okay, just because she doesn’t like, I can just let that go. Whatever. Yeah, I mean, like that, whatever. I’m not gonna break up someone because of that, like, that’s fine, you know, or like, Oh, she’s not into this, like, Oh, I like to do this kind of activity. And she doesn’t. But little did I know all these little activities, this is how I like to spend my time.

Nicole:
This is the way you build a life.

Alex:
This is what forms your life is the way you spend your time. And if you don’t like to spend your time in a similar way, and it’s always the little things, right? It’s always like the little things.

Nicole:
Like I want to make dinner together. I want to watch a scary movie together. I want to blah blah blah, right? Like when we first got together, so I know I don’t know Nicole trivia hate scary movies. Hate horror, hate scary movies.

Alex:
So here’s the thing too. She also hated scary movies. Yeah, she hated horror and I was really really deep into it at that time.

Nicole:
You like a scary move.

Alex:
And I went and and the way that and that is a small thing, right? A seemingly small thing but the way in which it actually impacted our relationship Yeah, I would frequently stay, she would go to bed and I would stay up so I could watch a scary movie.

Nicole:
The latest movie or whatever it is or true crime thing or whatever that you want, some horror movie.

Alex:
And I could watch what I wanted to watch after she went to bed and so just because of that, we never really went to bed together. You know, and that’s a big thing for a couple to go to bed together. And just because she didn’t like horror movies, you know, it made me stay up and I could do my thing. Yeah, and just because she didn’t like to and I’m like okay, maybe I need somebody who’s, you know, I don’t need it all the time but like…

Nicole:

Well that’s how we handle it like you know, I don’t like scary stuff. So I’m like we can watch it during the daytime…

Alex:

But right but bless you I mean you’re trying to figure out my muscle like so I don’t even needed all the time just like you don’t I mean I don’t need to watch a horror movie daily or like crazy stuff but like once in awhile.

Nicole:
But if there’s a big one that comes out like I understand that like it’s a big deal that and also you know that I’ve categories I will never touch like I don’t like the creepy psychological ya know? Demonic weird stuff like I don’t even need that energy. But if it’s just like a psychological true crime thriller, you know, like I don’t even I don’t love those either, but I can I can make it happen. 

Alex:

I mean, we watched Black mirror yesterday.

Nicole:
Like I’m flexing my my scary muscle, but I’m also doing that because one, I see some of the value that can be very interesting. But also, you know, I want to be with you and learn more about what you like.

Alex:

And that’s the thing is like that you you making the effort to like, appreciate and like what I like, yeah, me, you know, and I’m like if you’re into something, you know, there’s shows that you’re into or too.

Nicole:
Well, we were watching Dance mob the other day and he was like, Oh, are they up against Candy Apple Dance Center again? And I was like stop.

Alex:

What’s candy apples doing this week?

Nicole:

You get into and it’s really funny. <both laugh>

And so I think that one of the things that’s a call out here that is powerful for me, and hopefully for my friends that are listening is that y’all? Listen, I need you to absorb some of the energy of what he’s saying here where he’s like, look, I realize that yeah, maybe I’m the problem. You know, maybe I’m the one who doesn’t like the same stuff or doesn’t appreciate that they want to be this housewife. And maybe that is the perfect ideal. But you know what, that’s okay, because that’s who I am.

Alex:

And I’ll and I’ll add to this. So with her specifically, a big thing was if there was a problem, or if we got into an argument or whatever, she would just sweep it under the rug and pretend like there was no problem because she wanted to be this Instagrammable perfect couple that like everything was great. And I’m like, everything isn’t great, we need to talk about this, this and this. And she wanted to pretend, you know, like that it wasn’t an issue. So whether I’m the problem or not, I was the only one trying to tackle any problems, right? I don’t know if I was creating them right, or whatever. But at least I wanted to talk about them and try to work it out and she didn’t. And that was ultimately what what broke it.

Nicole:

And again, that’s the thing, too, is like I just again, I want people to really pick that up is, even if the things you’re asking for can feel ridiculous. And I’m not kidding, this is literally what changed my life, I would say this is almost one of the starting points of starting over, was realizing that maybe the things I am asking for are ridiculous. Maybe the things that I say that I want are not standard, you know, according to what I’m hearing from my partner after 10 years, 12 years 15, 20 of a relationship, to five years of relationship. But so, and that is the energy you have that like, you know, we joke all the time about privilege, and you know, or not joke about it, but we talk about privilege, and we talk about, you know how some people on this earth walk around with the energy of, it’s not gonna be me, I’m gonna do what I want, you know, like, maybe this was one of those places where we all deserve to have a little bit of that energy.

Alex:

Yeah, I mean, you you want what you want, you know, there is I think there is a delicate balance to that.

Nicole:
Sure, we got to grow, we got to get to grow. Yes you’ve got to grow and give.

Alex:

And also we can’t just expect everything just because like, I mean, but if you do, go find yourself a man or a woman that provides all those extra things.

Nicole:

Yes. I’m not even mad at the woman who wants to be with the guy who pays all the bills and all that like…

Alex:

Because there are guys who would love to do that in that dynamic. And that’s what that for it worked for them. So if that works, and you deserve says, Go get it, I’m not mad. And if you’re not in that situation, if you want all the things and you’re with somebody who’s not giving them to you, you know, I guess you know, go get it. And if, you know, hopefully that person who doesn’t want to give all the things will realize that like they’re with somebody who wants like, like, would that person want to be with somebody who wants all those things? Right? You’re not the somebody who wants to give all those.

Nicole:
Right. Just being in a partnership with someone who the expectations are matched up, right, needs to be matched. I will say that. And you know, I don’t know if I’ve said this before here, maybe it’s just the style of conversation we’re having. But you know, being in a relationship with you, you know, I have really had to own up to what I didn’t do well, in my previous relationship. I think I have said that before in my previous relationship, because, you know, some of the things my partner was asking for 100% I think were realistic things to ask for, you know, and it felt like in that partnership, they were not things that I could do for a variety of reasons, some of which are very well informed on, you know, where it was like, I can’t give in this way, you know, like, because of the nature of our relationship.

However, I have no problem giving him that way in this relationship, and I think sometimes we’ll often get caught up in the will if you did this, then I would do this, you know, and I’ve had to learn that no, like, there are times where I’ll do things for you, or with you or for us, you know, and it’s not by prompting, but I don’t even want to say I don’t believe in testing a relationship, but it’s almost like a trust play. Where it’s like, you’ve never let me down. I say this all the time. Like you never let me down in response.

So even if I feel myself cringe or feel triggered that something will come up where I’m like, Oh, he’s not gonna do it. He’s not gonna do the right thing. He’s gonna be mad, he’s gonna whatever, you always respond in a way that soothes my soul, you know, and that has really helped me heal and grow and build a healthy relationship. So it’s just weird place where Maybe the standard is the standard with you. You know, and it wasn’t the standard with my partner.

Alex:

I mean, you know, that’s just part. That’s also, that’s our standard.

Nicole:

I guess it’s the definition of it, too. Yeah. So I guess it does boil down to that thing. It’s so interest, I guess it does boil down to that thing that you know, you’re saying, which is like, you even if what you’re asking for feels crazy. You’re allowed to be crazy, like, just go find out with the person that your crazies match up?

Alex:

No, like, right. But you also have to understand, like, if you’re asking for crazy, you need to know that you’re asking for all of us extra, you can’t expect like this a standard.

Nicole:

No, no, no, but that’s what I say. But that’s the whole point of what I’m saying is it’s not asking for crazy, like, for real for real, because, for instance, let’s just use, like proper working scenario. If I’m like, hey, I need to be in a relationship with someone who is going to make me breakfast every morning, girl, find yourself a chef, you know what I mean. If that’s what he wants, if that’s how that works out. Because asking that if somebody who likes to sleep until noon, and you get up at eight, that sounds crazy in that relationship, but the request itself is not crazy. You know what I mean? So like, I just look at my previous relationships and some of the things that were asked of me like, I could never you not I mean, like and for that person, I would never and I will never you know what I mean? Like and that is clearly you know, just how it’s set up. But for you, like there’s some things you asked me and I’m doing them before you even ask me like, we laugh sometimes, like when we’re on a good roll and you’ve been just top tier, you know what I mean? You’re like, oh, that’s all I had to do. And I’m like anything, any baby. I made you a meal? You don’t mean, we call it lovey week, right?

Alex:

<laughs>

Nicole:
Why you even laughing?

Alex:

Lovey week, it’s true. It’s true.

Nicole:

What do you what do you what do you need up? Let me make him a meal. Let me just like I’ll be on like some superduper extra. You know, when that happens? I’m like, what do you need? Babe? I got you. Yeah, like,

Alex:

And I’m, I don’t know, I’m easy. You made me some food? I love you. 

Nicole:

But then let’s call it out though. Maybe you are the issue. You are the problem. Oh, here’s why. Oh. So I have seen you come home after a gig or whatever else and I have like a hot plate of your faves. And you’re like, I can’t believe this meal is here. Your ex-girlfriend used to do that for you all the time. She would have food. You’ve told me everything. First of all, you have dated women of color. Okay, you were fed.

Alex:

They’re were all excellent cooks.

Nicole:

They fed you. They did so why are you sitting here acting like they weren’t stacking up? Do you know what I mean? Like, but when I do it, it’s Oh baby. Oh, baby.

Alex:

When they did it, I was the same way.

Nicole:

Oh, you just liked a meal. This talk is over, shoutout to all his exes. Amazing. Shout out to all his exes. You were amazing. He’s the issue.

Alex:

<laughs>

Nicole:

No, I don’t, I got the ring. Seriously, though, I have learned so much being in a relationship with you about learning how to flex my expectations, and that it really isn’t about sort of the give and take transactional nature of a relationship. Because if you find yourself in a relationship where it’s tit for tat, you did this, or I do this, or I do this because you do this. And happiness is a moving target and we’re setting different standards. The truth is when you’re in a partnership that flows properly that person just it’s like a giving circle that you just want to be part of.

Alex:

Yeah, there’s like a, it’s funny, there’s this movie that always stuck with me. And I apply it to music and I apply it to life and it’s so it’s a movie called The Robots. Would you talk about with oh my god, the comedian, Robin Williams. And anyway, there’s a saying in that movie, it’s all about inventors and they say see need, fill a need. Mm hmm. And that saying I’m always like, okay, you know, sometimes I don’t see the need and so it’s not filled, right? But if I do see it, you know, I’m like, Oh, the trash needs to go out.

Nicole:
Yes you’re very thoughtful.

Alex:

Or like you know what I mean? Like if you just see something you see a gap somewhere you see you need you fill it you know you just like take care of something that you notice can be done but you’re trying to be helpful like that.

Nicole:

I’ve been in relationships where my previous partners have looked me dead in the face and said I am not a thoughtful person. Yeah, and for some reason I thought that would change. No, they said it that’s all me you don’t have you told me who you Well, but I will say that one of the things just using this past week for an example, you know, I started recording the audio book, nothing is missing my book and you knew that I’ve been building up to this, you know, you in particular being in the industry know what it’s like to be in the studio for hours trying to get whatever the footage is, whatever the clip is, whatever you need. And I didn’t even know what I was getting into, I kind of was like, I’ll get myself ready, I’ll kind of whatever, you know, and you came into the studio with me in the morning, just to make sure you know, everything was lined up.

Alex:

Like this is a big undertaking.

Nicole:

Yeah. And you were like, I just and also blending your expertise, you’ve done this for a long time, you know that, you know what I sound like, you know what I sound like, when I don’t sound good, you know, you know, my energy levels, everything. So you just came in, in the beginning, you were only there for like, 90 minutes an hour, you know, something like that, if that, you know, just to make sure I was good, you know, but then while I was gone, and in the studio, you took care of the baby, you made the bed, like just all the little attention things, you know, oh, you got me flowers and a note, you know, and like, I come back and I’m like, it was just the minute I walked in and I saw all of that.

Also, knowing the day you had, like you had your own studio stuff, you had your own things you had to before you had shows coming up, and you somehow manage, I still don’t know, to this moment how you managed to do all of it. And honestly, the thing that occurred to me was like he is treating me the way that I’ve treated my previous partners, and I didn’t have to ask for it. Like, he sees my worth. And he treated me as such.

And the first thing I wanted to do was, like not in a transactional way, was like, How can I make it easier for him? You know, like, so what does he need? Does he need a meal? Does it need food? Does he whatever and I was like, Okay, I’m gonna cook, I’ll figure something out and starting point. You know what I mean? Let me create space here for this. I’ll take the baby to school in the morning. So you can sleep in like, you know what I mean?

And I think that that’s where, I don’t know, that’s where it starts working. But I want I’m with someone who makes you want to do that, not just through what they do, but the way they show up.

Alex:
Yeah.

Nicole:

Yeah. So just letting you know, friend, if you’re listening this conversation if you feel like you’ve got a big, crazy, audacious, hairy list of things that you’ve got to have. You’re not crazy for having that list. You just got to find someone who wants to give it to you. It’s that simple.

Nicole:

Hey, friends. So as you know, throughout this season, I’ve been sharing different stories about starting over, starting fresh, and just growing. And you also know that I have a new memoir that is coming out and we’re getting closer and closer to the big day. It’s coming out October 10. But it is available for pre-sale now. Now here’s why pre-sale is so important one, every single pre sale purchase counts towards the greater number when they are calculating things like New York Times bestseller list. And, you know, getting that visibility around an everyday girl’s story on how she made it made it someone just like you was able to get there without being weird or compromising their values and just doing the old schoolwork. So we want to hit those numbers and grabbing your book now helps me do that, you know. But the other thing is that if you grab your book, now, I have bonuses, a sneak peek at the prologue and chapter one. And on top of that, your book will arrive on your doorstep when it comes out rather than later.

So no spoilers, you’ll be able to be the first to read it. And we can talk about it in real life on my book tour, which starts in October. So grab your book now anywhere retailers are sold, it’s called Nothing is Missing. And I’m just so grateful because so many of you have already grabbed it. And actually, I’ve gotten a lot of feedback around the prologue and chapter one, and we’re just diving in. So thank you so much for that. Thank you for all of you who grabbed it, get out there and grab your book now

But I wanted to talk about something today that actually I dive deep in, in the book, it’s a theme that comes up often. And I’m actually living the outcome right now, of the behavior that I showcase in the book. Oh, that’s hitting. Because I’m like, there’s I don’t want to say, guilt or shame or difficulty but I’m just very aware, because I’m sort of paying the price for the choices that I made. And my memoir is really about that. It’s about just all these choices in the lessons and you know, some of you are in it now some of you have experienced the season before, but I go into my childhood and having kids and you know how I got my kids, you know, adopting them and dealing with stage four cancer and the breakdown of my marriage.

And you can read all of that. But I’m living the outcome, the byproduct of those choices today. And that’s what I wanted to talk about. If you’ve been following along on social media, at Nicole Walters on Instagram, I’m on threads app, I’m on Facebook, just Nicole Walters around the internet, you have seen that over the past two, three years, I’ve been sharing about some of the difficulties in dark times. And ultimately the joy and recovery and healing of going through a divorce and falling in love and becoming engaged again.

And a lot of you reached out to me in the early season of my divorce because I didn’t outright say I was going through a divorce. And part of why I didn’t outright share that was because one, I was still figuring it out, right? You know, you already know me. I share my scars and not my scabs. I was still sorting through, I’ve never said this before, but I thought we might get back together. I thought I might go back home, I wasn’t quite sure, you know, what would happen.

I was really taking it day by day, I couldn’t believe where I was. I didn’t know what it would mean for my kids. And I was just trying to be very tender with myself. And, and frankly, I didn’t say much just because I wanted to be careful with what I said, in case things worked out. You know, and I wanted to be careful with what I said in case things didn’t and my kids were to listen to this later. So I just really didn’t say too much. But simultaneously, I was also working on my book, and I was writing and if you go back and just scroll through social, you know, social leaves clues, you know, you can see where I was talking about, you know, just darker days, and it was just hard. And I was sad.

And you know, I want to tell you a little bit more about that time, maybe a little bit more transparently. Maybe because I understand it a little bit better now since I’m on the other side of those specific emotions, even though I’m still dealing with the various elements of grief around, you know, a lost marriage. And I will tell you that I don’t know when that grief is going to subside because you know, there is and I just want to be clear also I think a lot of women who’ve gone through bad breakups or divorces that you know, were unexpected. You know, you’re grieving a fantasy, you’re not really grieving the reality. I’m grieving the idea of what I thought my marriage was I do not grieve you know the reality of what it actually was because I’m in a relationship now that has helped me and healed me and is healthy and gives me so much joy every day.

So, you know, I’m thankful that I get to live in what was my fantasy in the present. But I do mourn sort of the rose-colored glasses that I used to own, you know, but truth is always better, right? So that said, you know, during the time when I immediately emerge from my divorce, I don’t do too many episodes where I really dive deep into it, because it is still something I’m unpacking. And I also want to respect, you know, my ex, and I want to respect you know, my kids and all that. But, you know, one of the things that was tough was everything. I spent almost a year in one of the worst forms of depression I’ve ever gone through.

I used to think that I’d already experienced depression. I thought that, you know, the seasons of burnout where I maybe questioned my purpose, or hard work or things of that sort that, you know, I was in a funk, or I was bummed out about results that, you know, oh, you know, this is what depression was, oh, oh, no, no, no, when I tell you, I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep consistently. I literally was in a fog. I mean, I was incoherent, I wasn’t kind, you know, when I could interact, I was impatient at times. I felt hopeless. I lost, you know, like, 22 pounds in like a month, you know, like, call it the divorce diet, but I mean, I was barely feeding myself.

And I talked about it in the book, the first couple of days after I landed in California, you know, I slept for 36 hours, you know, not to mention just the physical health symptoms, you know, that my doctors were able to track my blood pressure was through the roof. My skin, I for the first time I was experiencing cystic acne, which is something that I have never experienced in my life, and my skin was breaking out just terribly. I was dealing with facial paralysis, I mean, just truly my body was breaking down, in addition to the fact that I could not care for my body.

And that meant I also was unable to earn income, you know, because an element of my work right now is, you know, obviously being on camera and going to speaking gigs and traveling. And when I tell you, I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t even, I don’t even know if it’s find the motivation, I couldn’t see the purpose, I was so deeply sad, because I thought everything was over, I was hopeless. And I want to let you know that one of the things that is finally a takeaway from that moment that I wanted to share with you and that you may understand is, depending on the seasons you’ve been in, is that as a God girl, that, you know, I was really being humbled.

And I want to be really clear about what I’m saying, because I don’t want people to hear that we’re deserving of depression. That’s not what I’m saying. And I’m not trying to say that, you know, because some of us it’s, it’s not situational depression, it’s a chemical depression, which is why medication is warranted, therapy is warranted. So I want to be very responsible in saying that, not all depression is the same. And not all situations are the same. However, what I can tell you is of the many things that I had learned from this season of my life. One of the things that was a huge takeaway for me was a humbling of myself.

And that humbling was because, you know, in my previous relationships, I was very codependent. You know, I was codependent and feeling that my prime responsibility, worth and value existed in what I did, and how I showed up as a mother, as a wife, as a teacher. And if I was able to show up completely, and always in all forms, sacrificing self and well being, that was me at my best. That was my greatest value. And I talked about this in my book. Actually, if you purchase, you know, the book and presale, you actually get chapter one where I tell a story about witnessing some of the things my mother did, very early on, that reinforced this idea. And for those of you who’ve already read it, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

I really did believe that a woman’s highest value and what is most respected by her peers, her spouse, her children, and God was that she set herself on fire just to keep the people around her warm. And when I tell you that I’m realizing that if I was so sick that I could be nothing to no one and that I couldn’t even take care of myself. That thought alone was depressing because I couldn’t figure out how I had value if I wasn’t like making money or serving. And it was humbling because it meant that in order for me to get myself up and out of this, I had to figure out what my value look like, outside of being a wife, and outside of making money because Lord knows I wasn’t doing it in that season.

And the only way I was able to get myself up, and here’s the lesson, and for those of who are in this now or version of this now, or or you see, or if you’re seeing this for yourself in the future, was that I had to ask for help. It wasn’t in some magical class, it wasn’t in some magical meal, or it wasn’t in some crazy, you know, coaching or what have you, you know? Yes, it did mean, I leaned into therapy, yes, I accepted whatever help I could get, you know, medically, whatever. But the truth was, it was asking for help. Asking for help is something that I did not do in my previous relationship enough. And when I did do it, and it wasn’t affirmed, I felt like okay, well, this isn’t safe to ask for, it isn’t something I should do consistently. If you do, it’s not warrant, it’s not necessarily warranted, you know, I just saw, I’ll just do it myself.

And I think a lot of us lean into that because we take pride in being able to do it all, or we don’t want to, I can’t tell you how often I hear from my clients where they’ll say, I don’t need an assistant, because I’ll just have to manage that assistant, or if they get it wrong, I have to fix it, or they’ll mess everything up. And I will tell you that if you are not willing to learn to ask for help now, you will be forced to learn how to ask for help later. You will have to, and, and it’s not just asking. So there’s two types of help that can come into your world are two ways. One of them is asking, and the other one is accepting.

And when I tell you being humbled, because I could not feed myself. I was losing weight, because it felt too heavy to pick up my phone to even order food. I had to accept help of people, so they were going to send me food. I was struggling to earn income. Fortunately, because I built a business in a way where I had recurring income, I had multiple income streams, I came from corporate and I know what I’m doing in business, thank God, you know, I’d already set it up where, you know, I was still generating income, even though I could not show up. So I was grateful for that, because my family did not suffer in that capacity. But I could not add to my income, I could not, you know, engage in new things.

And I literally, you know, was so humbled that literally, it came to a point where I remember, I was laying on a couch in, you know, California in my apartment at the time. And I was just sobbing. And I was just so I was sobbing. And I remember I was literally vocally asking God, like, you know, what do I do next? You know, what do I do next? And, you know, what came to me, whatever your belief system is, you know, as I’m laying on this couch was ask.

And in my head initially, I’m like, I am asking you right now, what do I do? What do you mean ask? And I felt my phone buzzing, you know, and it was a variety of friends. I have a great chat group with you know, my, my squad, my girls, you know, and when I tell you it, and I think I know I’m speaking to one of you right now, friend, I know I’m talking to someone specific, you know. But I didn’t feel good enough to ask. What is my value to just ask you for something because I don’t even feel like I have anything to give? You know, I don’t feel like I have anything to offer right now. You know, and the thing that I had to learn was that for some people, the gift of being able to help the strong friend is a gift in and of itself. Like that’s a blessing to them. To be able to be in a position to serve someone that they feel is a good person and on a good trajectory and is a good mom.

And there are things people know and think about you, about your talent, your skills, about your gift. It’s something that you show to others, you know, that it’s the mentorship, it’s the support. People want to be in a position to help serve you because they know they’re helping serve a greater purpose. They know your intention and allowing them to do that is a blessing that we do not have a right to rob people of, you know, and I am just so grateful just a shout out to you know, all my girls squad to my friends to you, you know, I asked for prayer, you know from you and for my community and y’all gave it to me.

And I got very good at asking, you know, and I got very good at accepting. And accepting even looked like when someone said, hey, I can come watch the kids. Yes. You deserve to get a nanny, you know, full time to help support because in this season, you know, if you aren’t able to get out of bed that day, you need someone who’s going to help you, you know, and you have the means to do it. That is what the money is for, that is what the old you sacrificed for in preparation for this season, like, you know, do it.

You deserve, you know, to let us help you run your business, I have a really good friend who I talk about extensively in this book, who stepped in, in a way that I will never be able to repay. There’s just, there’s no quantifiable amount on this planet. But she will never want for as long as I live and neither will her children because of the way that she showed up for me. I could not, I could not make certain decisions in my business and in my life. And she stepped in completely and selflessly and made them as if it were her own. And I will forever thank her for that. And it’s simply because I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t, you know, and she saw that and she stepped in. And I said, Yes, I accepted.

And if there is a place right now in your life, where you know that you just don’t have it, you don’t have anything else to give. And it’s not because you lack it’s because you’ve given 100% everywhere else. I ask you, friend, not to let yourself drown while you are surrounded by life preservers. Just reach out and grab one. They’re there, because you earned it through there, because you deserve it. They’re there because your life, your purpose, the way you show up, deserves to continue to remain afloat. And the idea that you think you’re going to uplevel because a lot of times in these seasons of divorce, have struggles of difficulty, of layoff, of hardship, of postpartum, of pregnancy, of all of the different things that we were struggling with. In the seasons they’re a precursor to what comes next to where you’re headed.

And in order to get there, you may need as you’re being shaped and formed into the being that’s going to arrive in that next big moment, you may need a little bit of carrying. And I promise you, if you look to your left, and if you look to your right, it’s so easy for us to say no one comes and helps me. I’m on my own. That’s one of the biggest lies, you know that our mind will tell us that the enemy wants us to believe because we thrive in failure, we’re more inclined towards failure when we think we’re alone.

Because the truth is, if you look to your left, you look to your right, nothing is missing, you lack nothing. If it’s accepting help, meaning I’m at the grocery store, and I need help with loading my items into the cart, load them, that two ounces of energy that you get to save you will need for later for what God’s bringing to your plate. If it is at the job, and someone’s like, Hey, I got this, cut out early. Let them get it and cut out early. You deserve that. You know someone sees you and they see what you offer. Let them lean into it. If someone says I want to make this introduction for you, accept it. If someone saying they want to invite you to the opportunity take it if someone saying that they want to help support you and your brand and whatever else and they’re doing it with the best intentions and it is a platform you align with, accept it and say yes.

If someone’s saying they want to watch the kids to give you a date night, take it if someone says if the kids are even saying Hey Mommy, let me help you with that, they want to load the laundry or take care of the cleanup allow them to and don’t feel like you have to do something else sit your hide on the couch, you deserve it. Your husband says he wants to take the kids out for the day and leave you at home let him. He wants to go and do carpool in the morning so you can sleep in, sleep in girl! I’m telling you that if you simply say going forward for just the next three days, that you are going to just say yes to all the help that is offered, it will change your life. And when I tell you when you start realizing how many people want to show up for you the meaning in your worth and how deserving you are of that it really does change your energy and it gives you more energy.

And I can tell you that again, like I said shout out to all the people who’ve supported me, it has formed me into a person who for this next chapter is going to do so much more and is doing so much more simply because I’m not doing it by myself. And I recognize that we really are better together. And not only am I grateful though people in my corner, but I’m grateful for you. Because I truly could not have made it to this season to this conversation to this lesson and everything else I share in my book and that I share here and that I share on social, if it wasn’t for the prayer and the covering. But I also want you to know that came from me sharing vulnerably and for me asking.

So thank you for the support and for showing up as an answered prayer when I asked for help but I also ask that you do the same for yourself because friend, you deserve.

Nicole:

Hey, friends. So I know that so many of you met me through one of my many viral videos and I want to actually take you back. This is a story I have yet to tell but people asked me about all the time. I have had three pretty big viral moments, actually one of them has more views than the entire country of Australia. So combined, I probably have maybe 200 million views under my belt and they’re made up of pretty much these three viral videos.

And it’s likely where we’ve either met or where you’ve seen me before, but may not have recognized me. And the reason you may not recognize me is because if you don’t know this yet, this is the secret to getting a viral video, make sure you look a hot mess. If you don’t have makeup on, if your hair is not done, if you aren’t wearing a bra, if you are breaking out and sweat, odds are you will likely go viral. It is never when your life is together.

Okay, I’m just letting you know that right out of the gate. So you may not have recognized me but you’ve probably seen one of my videos. Now, the first one was when I was hiding from my neighbors, if you will. And this one was just what I was taking my daughter to the bus stop. So this was almost gosh, six, seven years ago. And people call it either the tennis mom video or the bus stop mom video. But essentially, I was taking my daughter to the bus stop in the morning and I was talking about how just difficult it is to make nice with the other cool moms in my neighborhood because frankly, y’all know me, I’m not the cool mom, not in that traditional sense, right? I’m like the cheese eating, kind of dusty, you know, still thrift for my kids, even if I live in the nice neighborhood type of mom, right? This is why we are the same, right?

But I’m living in you know, at the time, I was living in this like, you know, fancy pants suburban neighborhood where you know, all the moms, you know, played tennis every day. And they wore their tennis outfits to the bus stop. And y’all I am scrambling in the morning. I mean, I am combing my way in the dark to grab clothes off my bathroom floor while I run this kid to the bus stop because I barely have it together. And I am shoving you know a bagel in her hand and hoping that she’ll eat it on the bus, like this is me. And then you get to the bus stop. And then the moms are like, you know, trying to chat but it’s always like the same type of mom chat. And realistically, like I didn’t brush my teeth. I don’t really want to talk like it’s this weird thing.

So I you know, kind of captured that moment, you know of like them asking me things like, is the bus always that late? Yes. It’s always this late. But trust me, it always comes and our kids always disappear. Oh my gosh, it’s so hot in Maryland today. What’s up with the weather? And I’m like, yeah, sometimes it’s hot. Sometimes it’s cold. So this was the first viral video and it just took off because so many of the mamas out there related to the awkwardness of just being a hot mess. While some of these other moms seemed like they professionally have it together. So it was a combination of both just sheer laughing at ourselves, right like self deprecating. We are hot messes together, unite. And a little bit of that, you know, I don’t know, admiration, if you will, because there are some of us moms who are managing to, you know, give our kids kisses on the head and have them all put together, knowing they’ll roll right back to us looking a hot mess. Right?

So all that being said, that was my first viral video, and then my second viral video was when I was dropping my daughter off at college. And this was also a mom video, ironically enough, and we had dropped her off to college three days prior. And this video was me going back to the college and literally walking around the campus looking for my daughter, and I was looking for my daughter because I hadn’t heard from her in three days. And this viral video had again, a mixed response, right? You know, half the moms were like, look, this is me. I don’t care where you are. If I don’t hear from you for three days, you are my daughter, I am coming to find you. Right, like a lot of us related. We’re like I am on that energy.

And then of course the other side of it, which we will talk about today a bit, you know, which was, oh my gosh, let your kid breathe. Like you don’t hear from her for three days, don’t be a helicopter mom. We’re gonna talk about that today. No, we’re gonna talk about that response. And then my last viral video or most one of my most recent ones, I’ve had some mini viral videos, shout out to AJ of the Backstreet Boys this week who stitched one of my videos on Tiktok where I was with the Puffin at a diner and… it’s hilarious.

You guys have to go to my Instagram at Nicole Walters and watch this video. And I was sitting with her and She was like, Oh, Mom, look at those older adults over there having breakfast. That’s so awesome. They look like some type of band. And I was like, what type of band are they look like? And she said, the Backstreet Boys, y’all, when you watch this video and see I do a slow pan over to you know who she was talking about? They looked more like the Beach Boys. Okay. I mean, they were literally I don’t think there was a single person at that table under the age of 70. And I literally looked at her and said, how old do you think the Backstreet Boys are? Like, you’ve got to be kidding me. And needless to say, it was like a really funny, cute moment. And it found its way to the Backstreet Boys, when Lance Bass of insync saw the video and sent it to them.

So cute little viral moment this week, and it’s, you know, circling around. But my third viral moment was actually back in 2020, when I shared a little bit of my story in my background, about, you know, being a black woman in America doing the sort of racial reconciliation moment awareness, you know, that occurred after George Floyd’s murder. And, you know, what was interesting was, so many of the moms who had found their way to me in the previous two videos, really, were touched by that sharing because it was relatable, it was something that they could understand. And they felt like I used language that allowed them to be empowered to share the story as well, and really understand some of the struggles and difficulties of being black in America.

And, you know, having kids and wanting them to be safe, and all all those things. So, you know, I’m really blessed to have had, you know, several videos that brought both laughter and learning into people’s lives. And it’s likely how you found me, but I want to share with you today, the other side of that. So one of the things that is very difficult about being out in the world, and I share this with you, because I know a lot of you either are hesitant to share your life, you choose to be private, because it’s easier, you know, and that is your choice, and it is appropriate, some of you feel called to do more, you know, to be able to be out there and, you know, maybe share your story. Some of you feel that poll or that tug, or you’re trying to find that happy balance of boundaries, and also sharing what you know.

And I just, you know, always want to give you kind of as friends, you know, the perspective of what that’s like, and some of the hard things I’ve had to deal with, and just be very transparent. So a lot of people see these viral moments, and the feedback and response can be different. So on some of the videos, what I’ll say, let me just shout this out, friends overwhelmingly, is no matter what you do in life, it always turns out better than you hoped. I just want to be really transparent about that. It always, always turns out better than you hoped. So from all of this viral exposure, my life overwhelmingly is better. I have had an increase in visibility, I’ve had an increase in opportunities, I’ve had an increase in income, my children have been blessed, like it has overwhelmingly been good.

I will also say that a lot of that is because the content that I do is with the intention of being good. There are lots of ways to go viral and if you have a history of creating content that is impactful and positive. And again, good, you know, you will see positive things from that even if you have mixed feedback from it. Now to that mixed feedback. One of the things that’s very difficult about being a public figure or having a life with more visibility is that you will get negative feedback. And this is something that I have never really said out loud, because I’ve always been kind of scared to say it out loud, because I’m like, I don’t want people to use it against me. And it is definitely a sore point. But I’ve chosen today to say it out loud. Because I’ve always found that whenever I keep things to myself, it has more strength versus saying it out loud.

So the truth is, it’s amazing, all the things people will come for me for they will come for me for my marriage, for being in love for losing weight for, you know, growing my business, for everything. And crazily enough, as much as people will come from me for those different things, you would think that that would affect me. And it really doesn’t. Whenever people have a commentary, as someone who’s lost over 100 pounds regarding my weight or my body, it’s not a nice thing to say, right? And those things are impolite, but they don’t actually hurt my feelings. And the reason why they don’t hurt my feelings is because, you know, that sort of stuff is, I know who I am. I feel comfortable in my body. Like it just doesn’t feel true. Right? It’s not something that taps on an insecurity. And I think a lot of you can relate to that.

People can say certain things about you and it just sounds so outlandish and weird that it just doesn’t really affect you kind of rolls off your back a little easier. But the one thing that overwhelmingly, I can feel myself getting like choked up about it because it just, it’s such a thing that is so hard for me to hear as negative feedback. And it is difficult is about my parenting. It’s about being a mother.

And I’ve never said this out loud, because I’ve always been really scared that like, if I say it will people come for more will people use and leverage it more knowing it’s more sensitive, but I also know that in holding it in, you know, it gives it more power. And I want to say overwhelmingly, the world is incredibly supportive of me as a mom. I think other moms can see and understand the challenges of being a mom. And so we’ve gotten very good at giving grace and thankfully, a lot of you hear and, you know, if you’re a newbie joining the journey, you know, you have seen the journey of me being a mom, literally from before I adopted my girls all the way through. And I’ve shared fairly openly about the highs and lows related to that, while still protecting their boundaries and privacy.

And when I say that, when you get those comments, you know, people saying like, You’re a bad mom, or you’re not doing this right or this should be done differently, or you’re using your kids or you know, just things like that, or like but they express concern about your kids or their well being, when I tell you it just hits different. And you know, and I have those moments, it’s crazy, you’ll get like 100 amazing comments, or feedbacks, or DMs, and then you get one person who’s just like, you know, I think really terrible, you know, because you did this, or I think you could do this differently because of this. And I know that this wherever you are, if you’re in the car at Target right now, or if you are, you know, listening to this on the way to work, or if you’re listening to this while momming, you know, in the kitchen, I think that this is one thing that literally anyone, anyone who has a kid or a real sensitive issue can relate to.

It like rings in your head. And the reason it rings in your head over and over and over again, is because it is the thing that we actually love and care about the most. And it is so difficult to hear feedback from anyone, right? Like, which it’s so easy to be like, Well, who cares? These people aren’t in your home, they don’t know you yada, yada. But it’s really hard when the concerns and fears that you have inside your own heart are personified outside. Like I’m yelling this at myself every day. So I’m really trying not to cry. Like, I don’t know, if people realize that there is no level of bashing or things people could say about how I am as a mom, that is any harder or harsher than I am on myself.

And it sounds crazy. I know. Because people say it all the time that like no, you know, you adopted these girls and Nicole like you showed up and you know all these things, but I don’t know if you know the people who criticize realize and if they don’t need to realize it because frankly people who criticize it’s never actually about you or the action. Trust me, there’s the part of your mind and your heart that knows that. We all know that, it’s never really about that. It’s about people looking for a way to break you down. And so they’re looking for, you know, wanting a way to criticize because there’s nothing served, right?

Like when people say terrible things about you, particularly if they don’t say it to you, they’re not actually looking to improve you, right? They’re just saying it because they’re looking to voice negativity, because that’s their opinion, you know, because truly, if someone felt like you’re actually a bad mom or something that they would call like child protective service. Or if they didn’t like the way that you parented they might say it to you in hopes that they would help or drop a link to serve you. Like it literally is just people saying harmful things just to be hurtful or just to like quip and talk about it, you know, but it’s wild because when people say these things, and you realize like how hard you’re trying, you know I love my girls so much. And I hold them in such high regard. The responsibility, I don’t know what it’s like when you carry, right like thankfully, God willing, I will someday you know, I don’t know what it’s like to carry my own child yet.

And I don’t necessarily understand that relationship or connection that people have when they carry their own child. But what I can tell you is that I feel a responsibility, a loyalty, a dedication, an obligation and honor, you know, a privilege to show up in these girls’ lives in a way that is so thorough and big and complete, that it’s overwhelming at times. That’s how much I love them. The critics, you know, and also just the observers, right. And also, even the internet aunties, as much as you all have seen through the viral videos, and the stories and on social media of our girls growing up and as much as you’ve seen, and lent the love and the prayer and the covering over our family in your lives, when I tell you, all of that goodness that you’ve seen of my babies, is literally only like 1% of how good they actually are.

These girls have survived things that some people have only had nightmares about, they have their own books that could be written. And when I tell you that I wish that I could give, I would give my life to erase some of the things that they’ve experienced. And as a mom, you know, a lot of people don’t realize that the things that they see in the viral videos, or the interactions that we have, you know, are, again, 1% of 100% of our lives, and there’s a levity to our life, because of some of the darkness that we’ve experienced together, you know, and independently.

Our home is so filled with like, light, and joy, and laughter, and safety. Our home is so safe, when I tell you, it is a place where it’s probably the thing that I have elevated above all else as a parent, in the raising of my children, because I realize that if they feel safe within me being like, you know, I consider mom being like base, right? Like, you can always come back to base, touch base and you’re safe, right. And if they feel safety within me, they know that they can get guidance, they can get direction, they can get support, they can get love, even if it means that I’m, you know, playing with them or cracking a joke or, you know, we have almost like a friendship energy with my older girls, you know, but make no mistake, it is clear that I am mom. 

And I make that clear, because there’s a little bit of that traditional old school in me where it’s like, look like, you know, we can be hip and cool and aware of social and Tiktok and all those things but at the end of the day, like we’re not going to get out of pocket, I’m still mama. And I just take that this is the most serious job I have. And so I say this because I think that a lot of moms can realize and recognize that it’s hard to live life, it’s hard to build a business and spend time away from home and go through a frickin divorce and deal with all of these things. And also want to feel like you’re showing up in the most perfect and pristine way for your kids. Right?

So I say all this to say that criticism, you know, it hurts and it’s hard. But this kind of brings me to the lesson from all of this you know, if you follow my social media you’ve seen that I always will call out if there’s a particular thing that I think is wildly inappropriate. You know, that is said or a question or criticism. I have had people criticize and say things like Nicole, you don’t have enough black girlfriends because they’ve seen me hanging out with like my core girl squad. Little do they know that my core girl squad is a Filipino, a Texan white girl, you know a half Ghanaian, half Filipino and me. So it’s just, you know, people will say things based on what they see and not what reality is, you know, people don’t even read the captions. And they’ll say something. So, you know, but I’ve gotten comments like that I’ve gotten comments about wearing crop tops, you know, that I can’t believe you would wear a crop top to a meeting, oh, sis, of course, oh, aircraft up to the meeting. I’m the owner of the company who’s gonna fire me boo. <laughs>

I mean, these are real things, you know, but you know, I’ll get these comments and you’ll see me call out and respond to them. And again, like I said, most of them, you know, it’s easy enough for me to keep my cool because, like, you know, kind of water off my back. But you know, being a mom, that’s always tough, it hits hard, because it’s just the job that I take so seriously, and I’m always trying to improve. So sometimes I hold space for feedback I shouldn’t hold space for but that brings me to the lesson, you know, that I am really trying to apply to my life and I hope that you hear as well as you’re hearing criticism. And you know, if you are a healthy, you know, well adjusted person, you know, and you hear feedback, you may give it a little bit of space because you know, you are not so egotistical that you think you’re imperfect, and I’ll let you know that the thing that I’m really holding close is you know, don’t dim your light just because it’s shining in their eyes.

And that’s something that I actually call out a lot of my book, which is available for pre sale now it’s called nothing is missing. You can purchase it anywhere books are sold. And it’s my memoir, it goes into a lot of the behind the scenes of these stories of the viral moment of raising my kids. You know, if you’ve seen 1% online, the book is going to take you all the way up to 50%. You know, so I really put a lot of color behind everything that is happening. And I say this to let you know that. You know, one thing I’ve learned is, it’s not your typical thing that you hear all the time where it’s like, don’t listen to your haters, right, or, you know, these people are just hating on you because you’re flexing it’s not that it’s that if you’re a person who’s out in the world, doing good, you know, and you guys know, oh, my god, girl, right? You know, if we are lights that are put on a hill, we are going to shine, we are going to shine. And every single thing that has happened in my life God has used for good. You know, when I had my first viral video, you know, where I was, you know, on this college campus with my daughter, and people were saying I was a helicopter mom and all of this. I mean, I’m telling you, I was in a ball. I was teary. I couldn’t believe that someone would say something like that, when it’s so clear, to this day, let’s just be real friends. Let’s be real to this day. I still, if someone wants to send me an email helping me understand this perspective, I still cannot believe that there are people who think it is wild that if you don’t hear from your kid for three days after dropping them off at college, for the first time, your daughter, your 18 year old daughter that it is appropriate to not look into it. Like that blows my mind literally, like maybe I am a crazy mom, but I accepted on that count. You know what I mean? Because if I don’t hear from you, and you’re not answering your phone, and I can’t reach you, I’m coming to find you.

Like my girls know this. I’ve even said if it’s an apocalypse stay put mom was coming to find me like I’m coming to find you. So it still is crazy to me. But I’m not kidding. I still was in my head like who am I? Am I over the top? Am I suffocating my kids, when we have an open safe house. My kids are saying like No mom, like it’s we know when you’re joking. We know when you’re not, we know when you’re angry. And we know when you’re not we like the way you balance out like my kids, they like we truly have a very amazing relationship I’m super grateful for and so it’s so interesting that I still got in my head about it. And I say this to you because I know we all do this. But I want to let you know that. In these moments, one of the things I learned was God was preparing me for it.

Because here it’s a tiny microcosm, in the very beginning. It’s a tiny viral video of the type of visibility I’ve had since then. I’ve had TV shows, I’m working on current TV show projects, I’ve, you know, got a book tour coming up, you know, in October. I’ve got all these things. And at that point, I wasn’t even thinking about writing a memoir. And now I have a book that is literally going to reveal everything about me, my childhood, my life, my background, all of the things and y’all I am sick to my stomach about it. You know, even while having people read it and say this book is unputdownable, it is transformative. I cannot believe you know what you survived in the lessons you’re sharing.

And yet, you know, I still was, you know, heartsick about some of this feedback. And I just want to let all of you know, you know, more and more, as I am in this world and have been blessed with the platform and grateful for the gift to be able to share the things that God has delivered me from and how he has been able to do it. That I do not want you, wherever you are, to be hesitant about sharing what you know you have simply because you know someone out there is uncomfortable seeing you shine. If people have a hard time seeing you out there and shine, the problem is not you and the way that you’re shining is the fact that they don’t own a good pair of sunglasses. They need to adjust, because you’re going to be out there doing the good work. And everyday when you show up for your kids, you’re doing the best you can with what you’ve got. And that is enough.

And every time you show up in your business, you are doing the best you can with what you’ve got. And that is enough. We have to keep learning, we have to keep improving. You know, we have to listen to feedback, but it needs to be from a trusted source. And I do not want you where you are, spending time noodling the one bad thing you heard from a friend from a co-worker from a rando on the internet, when the truth overwhelmingly is that you are enough and nothing is missing.