Nicole:

Hey, friends. So as you know, we’ve been covering a lot of ground this season and we’ve been talking about the various things that have happened during the journey and learning in the journey. And if you’re keeping up with me on Instagram, at Nicole Walters, you know that I share there my daily highs and lows.

And this past week, I shared that I had probably one of my toughest days that I’ve had during the divorce and moving and transition process. And I gotta tell you, it was rough. And I wanted to reach out because, you know, we talked about how in the new year, time is a social construct, right? So just because we have changed the clocks and changed the calendars, doesn’t suddenly mean that everything feels fresh and feels new. And I’m renewed, and I have all this energy, you know, everything that existed in 2022, could very well have carried with us into 2023.

And it’s why it’s so essential that we actually employ and use and engage in our best tools and habits in order to be successful. But that said, I just wanted to let you know that it is okay, if you’ve been having a tough go of it. And when I tell you I have so much joy and I’m grateful for where I am in this season. And I’ve mentioned before that grief and joy can coexist and the way that I talk about my divorce now and where I am, thanks to, you know, therapy and being loved well and amazing children and great friends, is that it’s not a it’s not something that feels like it happened to me so much of something that happened for me. And it is definitely a situation of grief and grief, meaning that I’m mourning something that at least the vision of what I thought it was, and I’m mourning letting go of what I thought life was, you know, and what it will never be, you know, it’s just gone.

And that’s a lot of what I’ve been talking about is that grief process. And that means that I wake up some days, and I’m sad, you know, I’m just sad. And I wouldn’t make it akin to a deep depression, I think, you know, I experienced some of those types of emotions early on, when sort of that shock kind of hit me around what was happening, but it’s just a sadness of where I am because, you know, divorce it just gonna keep it all the way real like I always do with y’all like it decimates so much in your life. I mean, you can be worth $100 billion and lose 50% of your net worth, you know, speaking on the Jeff Bezos side, you know, the cost of support two households when you are the sole breadwinner, and the sole working earner, you know, is just astronomical. And I think yesterday, one of the things that really hit me, you know, that I was kind of sharing on Instagram in my stories was that I work harder than I did. And I’m trying not to get emotional about it, because it’s kind of bringing up some of those triggers, you know, but I feel like I work so much harder than I been in the past couple years, and one of my goals in sort of building my business and, you know, spending well and saving well, and investing well, and buying the right properties and doing all these things independently and, you know, coming up with great business ideas and helping other people and serving, all of that was the intent to continue to live incredibly debt free, you know, and build up a huge savings and basically get to the place where, in my head at least, and we talked about this in last week’s episode about having more babies where I was like, Okay, I’ve checked all the boxes, and now I can have babies, you know, now I can build my family because, you know, the house is completely paid off. And, you know, if I can’t work, that’s okay, you know, because it’ll be covered.

And I really learned that, you know, there really is something to be said for if you’re in the right partnership, if you feel like you have to create and save and make so much money because you can’t rely on anyone else, you know, to support you in that process. And it says a lot about you know, sort of your personal sense of self worth if you feel like that’s acceptable. And you know, we and right now you know I’m in a partnership where my partner doesn’t make anywhere near you know, what I make, makes great money, but you know, just considering what I do and my income, he just doesn’t make the same. But oh, man, do I feel beyond supported and I know that should anything ever happen to me or you know, my child or I’m ever in a position where I’m not able to work, he will pick up that mantle and care for us in the best way. He knows how without question. I mean, it’s just such an ease that comes with the fact that even though, you know, have to work really hard.

I know that if anything happened, I’d be fine. And, and so with all three of our girls, he fully and completely and currently cares for all three of my girls, you know, and, you know, supports them and buys them gifts and, you know, is, you know, present in their lives. And it’s just such a blessing, you know, to recognize that I’m currently living a life that has every single thing I have ever wanted in it more than I even knew I wanted and more than I even knew I needed. I mean, every single mark is hit, I am living a life that is beyond my wildest dreams. And in a way that is almost humbling, because it doesn’t encompass half the things I had before.

It’s not about titles, fame, you know, all those things, which I’m blessed, you know, like, I still am always me, and I always have the means to work and to make money and to, you know, have those things because I’ve worked really hard, I’ve earned them. But it’s just crazy, because it’s just, it looks so different. And even though I’m in one of the absolute happiest seasons of my life, the grief that will just hit me in my gut. It’s wild, and anyone who’s ever lost like a parent, even if you had a complicated relationship with them, or if you’ve lost, you know, a job that you thought you would have, or you’ve had to make really tough calls in difficult seasons that have resulted in loss, even though you’re grateful, you know what I’m talking about when you wake up, and you’re just like, Dang, this is sad.

And that’s where I am now, you know, being in a place where I’ve worked so hard, but now I am still making choices that I should not have to make, considering how many sheer hours of effort I have put into building the life that I have and the life that others enjoy. It just makes me sad. And so I share this, let you know that you know a lot of people who are in complicated relationships or trying to determine if they need to stay in them. I know a lot of you have been in my DMs and asking and listening along in this season, because you’re wondering, you know, if you’re gonna make it. I remember when I was first seeing this season sort of coming in my life, I was following a couple of, you know, my actually good friends, you know, but popular influencers on social and watching them go through this as well and kind of wondering what’s going to happen to me.

So I say this, you know, just kind of, for those of you who are listening, I see you, you know, if you’re in that boat, and I do want you to know, I’m trying to be as honest about it as possible, so that you know, what it’s like and what to expect and more than anything to give you as much hope as possible to let you know that it is hard. But the hard is temporary and it is difficult and it is challenging, but there can be joy within the challenge. And the longer that you are showing up every day to doing what you need to do. It’s almost empowering. I’m as hard as it is to work all the time and as tired as I am, I’m grateful that I’m a worker, you know, I’m grateful that I am a person who gets up with intention and purpose and is not cloudy or confused about who I am and how I want to show up and how I serve and that is loved well and is surrounded. I am so intensely surrounded by love through my friends and my family and myself, you know, I look in the mirror and I see someone I love and that is really, really beautiful, like sources of negativity are not in my life. I am surrounded by good people.

And I hope that you can say that for yourself now or if you decide to take this process, you know that you get there. But all those hard days, and here’s the thing that I think, you know, I’m learning to do more, you may have to ask for help. And I think that all of us, especially when we are moms, wives, sisters, you know, daughters, just juggling lots of things, have an inclination to kind of say, I’m just busy and I gotta get to the next thing, or who is going to help me or this is one of my favorites that I’m used to and I hear all the time from my clients. I don’t have the time to explain to someone how to help me and to make sure they don’t mess it up or clean up their mistakes, which is better if I do it myself. Right? And I know some of y’all are nodding your head or saying Nicole get about my face, you know, like get out of my head, you know it and I want you to know that raising my hand, I was in the same boat.

And I can also tell you that this is actually one of the biggest contributing factors that I know I brought to the demise of my marriage. And it’s not that I didn’t ask for help, I asked for help in many different ways. I asked for help constantly, you know, I regularly expressed the difficulties of carrying the financial burden and the difficulties of a building, you know, a business and the stress of it all in the desires of my heart, I am a very, if you have noticed a vocal person who’s very shares openly, the thing that I did wrong was I asked the wrong person, because that question was asked and answered many, many times, you know, and through verbal and through action, and I think that that’s something that I want to encourage you to know is that a lot of us have a hesitancy to ask for help. But we don’t realize that it’s also important to ask the right people and to have the right people in your life that you’re asking.

And when you do that, and your help is received, and your help is affirmed, and you see ease come into your life and grace and peace, it’s then that you understand more how beneficial help is and how much more you can do with the support of others. And that’s where I am now and it’s where I wasn’t before. So letting you know where I was before. I mean, I would work 80 hour work weeks, and, and then I’d come home and I’d work again and cooking all meals, you know, making sure the fridge is full, getting the groceries, you know, I had staff, but they were limited in what they did as well. And, you know, I just felt like I had to do everything, or check all the work and constantly fix mistakes and it was just a lot of stress. And I remember just thinking, gosh, I just need peace, like I just do too many jobs, and I do too much. And I would ask for help but you know, I never thought to ask for help from my friends.

So one thing that I, you know, we’ll probably talk about in a different chat, because I think it’s a dedicated conversation. But, you know, loneliness was something that I really struggled with for many, many years feeling like I was the only person who understood what I was going through, the only person who could get me out of it, if I even knew what to do. Not feeling like I had support in the struggle. And I isolated myself, meaning my life was pretty much just my kids, my ex and my staff really, you know, and, and my business, if it wasn’t related to generating income to support the household or entertaining or supporting my family, I pretty much didn’t do it.

I didn’t really hang out with girlfriends outside of my little girl squad. And even that was kind of a point of contention in my relationship. And, you know, that sort of thing was really, really challenging because I felt lonely a lot. There were a lot of nights I was up, laid on the couch by myself just kind of wondering if this was the life I would have for myself. And, you know, I realized that part of where I was going wrong and asking for help during those tough seasons was that I didn’t have my girlfriends, and I didn’t think to use them. And what’s interesting is there’s a lot of and I’ve talked about surrender in previous episodes this season, but the humility that came with divorce was that if I didn’t ask for help, I would not be here.

And it’s hard to say but when I tell you, I was on the brink so many times, and I had to ask for help for everything. Whether it was something as simple as hey, just check on the kids or look out for the kids or I’m working a double, you know, shift because I gotta pay these bills. And I’m the only one and can you pop in at, you know, my kiddos school? You know, she’s doing a play. And I don’t know if I’m going to make it on time. So can you pop into be sure and you know, just, you know, from friends and just asking for help and what’s humbling about it all was during the process when I needed to ask for help the most, whether it’s with helping me figure out things with the business or it’s simple things like I’m getting divorced, I don’t know what to do, or I need to find a place, I’m in a new city. I’m living here because this is all I know. But I don’t know where else to go.

And, you know, just asking constantly, because I’m reminded how much I don’t know and how much we rely on other people to actually grow and get somewhere. It was all preparing me for this relationship I’m in that I think will build, I hope will build the foundation for my future and my future kids and my future life. And, you know, in this relationship that I cherish so much with this person that’s so incredible to me and my children, boy have I had to humble myself with help. I’ve had to realize that one, I don’t get to dictate necessarily how that help comes. Right? So I have every right to set expectations, especially reasonable ones that are, you know, world or society standard. You know, it’s not unreasonable to expect your partner to earn income. And you know, there’s this concept around retiring your husband that I’ve even championed myself that, you know, you want to make sure you’re really clear on that definition. For me, it was, you know, retiring them to give them the opportunity to live in their purpose as well. You know, but some people think that it’s retiring your husband to do nothing. And if you aren’t clear on that, that’s, you know, could be a point of contention. And you know, what’s great is I have this great partner who, when I asked for help understands what I mean by that, and I’m really blessed, because I don’t often have to elaborate, I can pretty much just say, I need help. And he looks for ways to stand in the gap.

I’m feeling it today, you know, but emotionally, you know, he looks for ways to stand in the gap before I even ask, which is the double blessing, right, but looks for ways to stand in the gap. And he’s just thoughtful that way. When I ask, and then the thing I have to do is, you know, if I’m asking for help, I don’t necessarily get to say, Well, can you put the broccoli away this way, you know, he went to the market, he got the food, he bought it, and he filled the fridge, and he paid for them, okay? So I am not going to complain, I’m just grateful it got done. And it’s one less thing on my plate.

And one of the things that I’m hoping you’ll hear from me is part of not dictating how they do, it also frees you up, to truly enjoy the restoration piece and self care that you may need by handing that thing off, hear me again, part of asking for help, and letting go of how that help is received and performed, is the purpose and allowing yourself to have that self care, that peace, that restoration that you so need and deserve.

And that’s not easy. It’s not easy to do. And, you know, in being able to readily admit that that is not something that I have ever been good at before is that relinquishing of control. It’s so amazing, because I’ve gotten really good at it now. And I went, and I realized that part of it is trust, right, which is not just one person, you know, a lot of people will say in their partnership, like, oh, my gosh, but you know, you control this or you this sort of way. But the truth is, you know, that’s twofold, if you trust someone you can let go and that’s one thing I’ve learned. And I’m hoping that if you’re hearing what I’m saying that, you know, you’re asking yourself, are there factors why I don’t trust enough to let go? Are there factors why I don’t trust enough to ask for help? Are there factors why I won’t, you know, allow myself to receive help, you know, because no matter what you need it.

No matter what you need it, there’s no life that you’re building for yourself, in a partnership that can be carried for two by one, it just doesn’t exist, you have to have that support. Because at some point in time, you know, it’s going to be too much to carry, and you deserve to not bend or break under that way. And as somebody who has absolutely been bent and you know, had some solid fractures and cracks, but did not break, and is still you know, a little bent over on some days, but now is blessed to have someone who’s helping them carry. I can tell you that if you’ve watched my stories on social and some of what I’m sharing on the daily, I’m just very grateful that I’ve asked for help recently, I said, you know, I woke up on that hard day saying I just need help. And he just stayed by my side.

We were going to IKEA, you know, the land of Swedish meatballs, Swedish Fish, and Swedish furniture, you know, and I was like I don’t, I just need help carrying this stuff to put it on a flat pack cart, you know, I just need help with driving there. I just, I can go, I can pick, I can point. But I just do not have the energy to kind of, like, facilitate this. And he’s like, look, I can do that, you know, I can do that. I can be here, it’s for us. I can do it. And, and we did, you know, and then I had, for this very podcast, you know, I had some things I needed to record and episodes. And I was like, I am not going to make it into the studio. I don’t have the energy to, if you know anything about LA driving the freeway as an event itself. I don’t have the energy to battle the freeway look for parking, I just can’t go into the studio today. And he’s like, hey, you know, he’s a musician and a producer and he has his own studio. And so he’s like, just come to the studio, I can record it, we’ll send it in, you know, I’ll take care of it. Just, you know, it’s easier. It’s around the corner, just, you know, come and let me do it for you.

And I was grateful because he was offering suggestions on how to help me which I know some of y’all right now we’re like, see, that’s the difference. You know, it’s true, but also I was letting him and I was receiving those suggestions because make no mistake in my head I was like, I don’t know, I don’t know, you know, but I just said yes, I received it and it was exactly what I needed. And by the end of the night, you know, because as a personal value system and I’m not projecting this on anyone else because sometimes that’s Mama’s just can’t and that is okay. But I try my best to bring my best face to my, my kiddos, you know, especially my little one, the Puffin, who’s 11. No matter what type of day I’m having, by the time pickup rolls around, I really try to make sure I’m not projecting on her, or giving her any energy because she just doesn’t deserve it. And also, she’s a light, she’s deeply easy to love. You know, like, aside from the fact that I love her in general, she is also very easy to love. She’s such an incredible child.

As a matter of fact, anyone who doesn’t love her or see the best in her, I’m always like that aside, it’s kind of like when people say, you can see if a dog doesn’t like someone dogs be knowing, that type of vibe. You know, Puffin is like that, if you don’t love Puffin on first meet, if you don’t love Puffin, you know, after spending time with her or knowing her, something’s wrong with you, because she is a delight. And for that reason, whatever I pick her up, at the end of the day, I just want to be all up in her and I just want to listen to her and just give her all my energy and be you know, interested because she’s, you know, definitely one of the joy points. And you know, parenting her even with the hard stuff is just such a delight.

And the day had come because I had help from my partner, I was able to kind of clean up and I mean, I still got a lot done that day, you know, that was a day where I would have been laid up in bed under the covers, y’all know what I’m talking about, like, you know, even if you’re kind of pulling through and going to work, but it’s like bare minimum, you know, I still took multiple calls, had to client meeting, assess the vendor about my book launch. I went to an Ikea, y’all know, that is a whole endeavor. I walked the warehouse, y’all, you know, I did all these things still, recorded a podcast, because I was still accomplished and then picked up the baby and came home and made dinner, two dinners, because we were having fish that night. And she didn’t want fish and usually like you don’t eat well we having. But I was filling delightful, you know, made two dinners and laughed with her and had a dance party.

And, you know, it was just amazing because I was able to save a little bit of energy for my sweet one. Because I had a partner who was willing to help me with the lift and and I had a partner who was willing to help me with the lift because I’ve done the self love and work to let myself know that I deserve to ask for help and receive it. You all it is a cycle. You want to have the energy to sustain tomorrow, it’s not just about your partner showing up and doing it for you. It’s also about knowing that you’re deserving of that help. And if you’re not getting that help where you are, you need to go find it. Whether it is through your friends, through your family, through a different relationship. You’ve got to find out whether it’s in your career, your marriage, your friendship, you know, whatever it is, you are deserving of help. So friend, go get it.

Nicole:

Hey, friend. So we have had some really deep dive tough talks, and I love it. And I want to talk about what I’m going to air my own business on this one. And I’m going to let you know that this chat is all about Fighting Fair. So what does that mean? It means that whether you are negotiating at work, or you are arguing with a partner, or you’re getting it in with your kids, because they are just being impossible, you gotta know how to fight, you got to know how to fight fair. And I say this, because I’m a strong fighter, y’all. If you didn’t know this, and so many of y’all are like, Oh, Nicole, you’re so sweet. You’re so friendly. You’re so this, you’re so that, you know, and it’s true. I’m nice, you know, I am nice, but I’m also not nice. What I mean is I’m firm, I know what I want. I know how, what I believe, my value systems. I work hard. And, boy, I tell you, if you’re gonna come with it, you just better have your data, your facts and everything in alignment, you better know what you’re trying to say and be clear on your stuff. Because if not, you know, you’re not gonna win with me.

And my kids know that my partners know that. And everyone knows where I’m a softy, it’s the babies. But you better believe that when it comes down to it, I have no problem, you know, whether it’s coming from my sales background in business, or my hard working, you know, do it yourself Mama,attitude, or, you know, my cultural background as an African and a Christian and someone who just really has a strong value system around like work ethic and kindness and grace, you know. I’m a sharpshooter and a straight shooter. And all of that means that, you know, I get what I want, and I get what I want a lot. But it’s not fun to get what you want, if everyone in the room doesn’t feel good about it.

And that’s what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about one of the things that I have learned in this land of free-ness, you know, post divorce, in a new partnership with older children, you know, doing new things as my business grows in different ways. I have just had to learn so much about fighting fair. And this all came up because I have arguments in my current partnership. Now, I think that that’s something that a lot of people don’t expect, you know, they’re like, oh, my gosh, especially if you follow me on social at Nicole Walters. Everywhere, you know, you may see how absolutely giddy, happy, delightful, smileypants, joyful I am. I have never shared a relationship like this ever before. I’ve also never, I think looked like this in a relationship. I am absolutely over the moon in love. And we are over a year into this and I am just still just smitten by my fella, you know, but I want you to know the other side of it all. It is imperfect. And maybe even you know, I’ll talk about things today but maybe we’ll even have the MR fella back to share a little bit because he keeps it all the way real. So I may or may not. We do have editing though.

So in any case, he is a sharp, straight shooter as well, you know, he’s direct, he is clear, you know, and you better believe that in our relationship we both wear the pants and we each have one leg in each, you know, it’s like that I would definitely say I do not feel like and it’s crazy, because I think that oh, and I’ll even start here to let you guys know if we’re gonna keep it all the way real. I think a lot of people have always assumed that. What is it like to be with someone like Nicole Walters? Well, it’s clear. Like I just finished saying I have a strong personality. I am a talker. Especially when it comes to being on camera and things I’m just so comfortable that I have no problem filling the room. I am a lot. I’ll be the first one to say it. I know it. I know that for some people they’re just like, Oh, you’re so much. I’m okay. What’s the saying? If if I’m a lot go find less. You know, like I’m okay with that because people who love me love my a lot, right? So I’m okay with it. But I know I’m a lot.

And one of the things that’s interesting is in my relationships, though, and people don’t ever realize this, but I’m really very clear about my direction and my vision and my morals, like what I would like to accomplish, what I want my family to do, but I am so willing and submissive when it comes to picking up the workload. And I say this because I’ve learned this from my friends, during this divorce process, during even my marriage, I would hear it constantly from my family, from my friends, like Nicole like do less. Nicole it’s okay to not. Nicole like you know you give in too easy you’re you know you’re you’re okay to stand up for what you know is right you know, and And I can tell you that some of that is just kind of my personality, I will like, some of the traditional myths, if you will, of the classic relationship, you know, this is not me saying I’m anti-feminist, this doesn’t mean me saying I’m pro patriarchy, I’m not to pick me, I gotta say all those things, because I feel like now, people come for you and cancel you, you know, if you say anything that can be interpreted any type of way.

But what I’m trying to let you know is that I really like the classic, cheesy, traditional relationship, call me a nerd, I love when my guy opens the doors for me, and I like, you know, having a partner that I trust, to defer to and, you know, without misinterpreting the Bible, or trying to use, you know, biblical things to support patriarchal ideas that are harmful to women, you know, I do understand the submissive request of the Bible in a relationship, you know, in a marital partnership, or in a relationship. What I’ve learned, though, was, I used to believe that that meant that you differed to your male partner, you know, or your male partner in the relationship, if you’re in a traditional heterosexual relationship by saying, hey, you know, you make the decisions, I support you, you’re the head of the household, you decide all of that. And that was very much, you know, how I did my relationship before, and a lot of people wouldn’t know or think that, the way I did it was, you know, I’ll go fetch all the different ideas and things of that sort, lay it out, you pick, and then we go for it. Or I’ll come up with a concept, you know, and if you tell me, that’s okay, then I’ll go build it, or I’ll go do it, you know, and what I learned very quickly, was that I still believe.

So coming out of divorce unexpectedly, you know, I definitely thought I’d be like, oh, never again, it’s gonna be all me all the time, I’m going to manage my own stuff, no more relationships. I will never ever allow myself to let a man’s needs, whims, emotions, whatever dictate how I make decisions, you know, I’m not going to ever seek permission, you know, within a relationship again, you know, I’m just going to do whatever I need to do to make sure everything’s okay.

But what I learned was that I actually am a better person in partnership. It helps me with, you know, keeping grace at the forefront, and not overworking myself and being kinder to myself. And it helps me to have someone who, when when I’m in a relationship that’s healthy, sees the best version of me, and gives me the benefit of the doubt because that helps keep me in the place that I need to be in, in order to show up in the world in the best way and to take care of myself. And in those types of healthy relationships, submission can happen, but the way that it happens is in a way where you are looking at equality in that partnership, you know. I’m okay, stepping back many times over, you know, which honestly always ends up being like 50/50, because if you’re in a relationship, it goes both ways. But I’m okay, stepping back and just be like, Okay, it’s your thing, because I trust that this person is not just going to make decisions that are beneficial for them, but also beneficial for me and also beneficial for our kids and also beneficial for our future, that they’re always considering all the factors and not just themselves.

And that is sort of the lesson that I had to take, which ties into fighting fair is that, you know, it’s okay for me to lose, you know, a fight, it’s okay for me to lose a disagreement. It’s okay for me to not, you know, come out on top all the time, if the person that I know is in it with me forever and does the work and shows up and cares about the outcome because that means you never really lose it means that you just found a happy medium of compromise. And it’s exciting because that’s what I’m in right now.

And so one of the things that I learned in our disagreements because we have them still so you know, in a simple sense, one of the things that we had disagreement about, I hope he’s okay with me sharing this and probably should ask first but I’m sure he’s okay with it, is that in our partnership, you know, I obviously have my 11 year old daughter, my kids come first. Anyone who knows me personally, if you haven’t picked it up online, to be completely honest, I am a fierce mother. I am a forcefield of love, care and attention around my babies. I’m interested in everything they do, what they eat, what the texture of their poop is, how they’re feeling, how they’re sleeping, what they need, I care about every single aspect of my babies from their nose to their toes.

So because of that any partner that I ever had would have had to be okay with them first. Like without question there’s just no no question right? Like I’m perfectly content you know, before I even met my partners with it just being me my babies. So my partner that I’m with now, the Misterfella, he had to learn, you know, what that meant for me as a mom, you know, and how it happened in practice, because he’d heard it. And he’d seen how I put their interests first, especially during this divorce process and how I, you know, built a space for them to make sure that they were transitioning and comfort and how I always have prioritize my children. And you know, and he saw all of that. And it’s worth noting, and we’ve mentioned in previous episodes that he’s been on that, you know, for those of you who are out there saying, Man, I have kids, and you know, what, how will I find a guy who’s interested in that, you know, he loved it, he was like, this is the guy who has to look up pictures of his food before he orders. So he’s very visual. And for him, he was like, Oh, my gosh, I love seeing you as a mother. Because when I see how you mother I want that for my children, you know, and so, you know, it’s, he knew who I was, and he loved that.

But it also meant that he had to learn that understand that all that fire can come towards you too, if you’re not on your A game. So when I tell you he is stellar, I like I’m trying not to tear up because it moments it hits me like, Oh, thank you, Jesus, thank you God, like, that’s how I feel like, Oh, thank you God, like, it’s like many praise moments, you know, when I think of how good of a man he is, and how blessed I am, like, not just for my existing babies, but future babies, like the idea that I could have him as a father and a partner and raising a child is such a gift. It is such a gift.

He is so incredibly good and caring, and loving and smart. And, and good with discipline and high energy and invested and interested and patient and balanced and nurtured. And you know, to his credit, he had a great childhood, his parents are beyond wonderful. Like when I tell you, I met his parents, and I was just floored at the goodness of these people. His mother is so generous, you know, and truly is just like all in on her family. His father is just this like, positive, optimistic, sunny man, you know, who just finds joy in everything. And just, he comes from good stock, I didn’t even know they made him like this anymore. And that said, he’s showing up 100%, too, because he knew that with me comes my baby. So he’s showing up so well. I mean, he’s helping you with drop offs and pickups and putting food on the table and just you know, all the things all in. But it also means that if you say you’re all in, you better not drop the ball on my babies, you know what I mean? Like you can, you can let me down, but you never gonna let my babies down. And you know, that type of energy. And we had a day where I was on set filming a TV show. And so I’ve had a couple of different TV projects while I’m out here. I live in LA because I work in LA, my studios here. You know, I get TV show projects, I’m on panels and speaking engagements, like I do all that stuff out here. So you know, my agents, everyone’s out here.

So I was working on a TV show project for a major cable network. And so I’m on set 15 hours a day. And so, in working on this show, I had a regular touch base with my little one, my 11 year old, where I was like, Hey, I’m gonna call you at this time, just to touch base and make sure okay, but I knew I wasn’t gonna make the touch base, because I was going to be on set. And that was just unusual. But during the early stages of the transition, you know, I was always so worried about her anxiety level around it, making sure she felt secured and loved and had attention. And just making sure that she was getting that from a parent, you know, that was truly invested in her, you know, and she felt that she had that rooting, that healthy attachment. So when I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do it, you know, I shared that, you know, with the Misterfella, I was like, Yeah, you know, I don’t know what I’m gonna do, I’m going to be on set.

And if you listened to last week’s episode about asking for help, it was my way of asking for help without asking for help, and I’m getting better about it, you know, but I was sharing that I had this problem. And so he jumps in, and of course, because He’s, um, he’s like, Oh, I got it. I’ll do the touch base call. I’ll make sure she’s good. You don’t have to worry about it. You know, and they already have a relationship that’s just so beautiful. And so I wasn’t worried about it. I was like, oh, you know, I love it. Thank you so much. Just, you know, make sure you do it because it’s really important. And he’s like, okay, no problem. I got it, right. Not a problem.

Y’all know what happened. Y’all know right now you know exactly what happened. I think it was like 4:30 rolled around in the afternoon and the call did not happen. And so I get off set and I see on my phone, you know, multiple text messages like Hey, Mom, you know, just checking in you know, didn’t get my touch base call, make sure everything’s okay, you know, and I am hot. Right? Hot. And I know some of you right now are like, what’s the big deal? He’s trying, what? You know, everyone has different feels on stuff. I’m gonna tell you right now one of the things that there are two areas of my life that people can come for all they want. And I just it rolls off my shoulders. I literally don’t care, right one is my business consulting. I’m an excellent business consultant, I’m very good at what I do. I’m qualified and tried and true. I’m very, very good at my business consulting. And so that’s something I know I do well, and it just is what it is.

The other thing is my babies. There is no one on this planet that could ever tell me I don’t love my babies. Well, I’m not saying I’m perfect, be clear on that. I make mistakes. And I hear and listen to feedback for that. But no one will ever tell me that I don’t have their best intentions in mind or that I need to protect them differently or whatever. Like, just they can’t even come for me. So for that reason, yeah, I was upset. I was upset because this was an expectation that was set. It was a responsibility that I delegated in relation to my most cherished possession in the world. Right? You know, my most cherished thing that I have in my existence up under me are my little littles, you know?

And what mattered to me more was that he knew not so much that the call was dropped. And I think all the mamas here are gonna know and feel this. It wasn’t so much that the call was dropped. It was that I needed to know that he understood that my babies were a priority. That under no circumstances would there be any relationship where my babies come second, ever. Current babies, future babies, ever. And the I wanted to make sure that there wasn’t any energy of being cavalier around my babies, I needed to know for a fact that there was complete and total understanding that we are not going to be casual around my baby’s needs ever.

And bless his heart, y’all. When I tell you, when I tell you first go of it. He’s allowed a mistake. But I wanted to make sure you understood, you know, you get one. And so I bless his heart. Oh my god, I just look back and I’m like, Oh, my God, it was so hard on him. But you know, I went in on him. I was like, Listen, I need you to understand that this is not acceptable. And it’s not okay. And bless his heart. He came back and he was like, I don’t understand. It’s a phone call. Like, I know, I messed up. That was wrong. I understand. But why are you so mad? Oui, mamas. I know, all you right now. Like, hold on, hold on. Again. It was early, not too early, like we’ve been together for the better part of a year. But he was just new in the kids lives because I didn’t introduce them to the kids until after six months.

But he was just like, oh, and he could see my face. The minute he said that, that he said the wrong thing. And immediately, I mean, I’m telling you within minutes, it dawned on him, it clicked. He was like, Oh, my gosh, I messed up. I understand it will never happen again. I am so sorry. This was the thing that I did. This is how I shouldn’t have done it. Here’s how I’ll correct it in the future. I understand what you’re saying. You’re heard you’re understood. I’m sorry. You know, how can I make this right? And here’s where I went wrong. Because I can, you know, say this all day, because I’ve learned so much since my previous relationships to was I said to him, my demeanor was, Oh, you don’t need to worry about another chance because I don’t need to worry about, I was in that mood, you are not going to get another chance to to mess this up. Because you don’t need to worry about calls, I will do the calls like I instantly, you know, this is part of my demeanor, you know, that I’ve had to work on you know, is if somebody messes up, I’m like, I’m taking it all back. You don’t need any response. I don’t trust you anymore. You know, and when it comes to my kids, especially my kids, my money, my best, that’s how I am. And so he was like, no, like, Please give me another shot. And, again, growth. I let him have another shot. He nailed it. And he’s nailed it ever since that, right? Like, it’s never been an issue. He’s on it with my kids, and especially the little one and I’m just so so blessed.

Now, I say this because people are flawed, they’re going to make mistakes, like we know what’s going to happen, your relationship will have issues, it will have issues. And I you know, read that, you know, in a study that if you have a relationship where you aren’t fighting, and you aren’t having disagreements, and I’m not talking about obviously physical fighting, emotional abuse, you know, narcissistic behavior, any type of aggression. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about disagreements like, I don’t like that you didn’t do the dishes or I’m upset about you know, this thing with the baby or I would like to do this with our funds but this isn’t happening, if you’re not having a relationship where you are disagreeing on things and that is coming to a verbal awareness. There are bigger issues in your relationship. Hear me on that. A good relationship has fights. Because if you are fighting it means you’re talking about the issues.

When I tell you so many people think they have happy relationships, and it’s just because they’re not saying anything. I’ve heard so many stories and people in the DMs of women who are like I just don’t say anything. I just keep it all to myself, but I’m fuming, I’m bottled up, I have resentment. I, I have so much anger, you know, I have so much frustration. I know that feeling. You know, I spent my early years of my relationship trying to talk about the issue saying this is a problem. And does this make sense? And I didn’t understand, I was 22. I didn’t understand that, so much of that was signs that things weren’t making sense. They weren’t gonna change later, right. But I really thought that oh, yeah, you know, like I’m saying all these things when I see change, but then down the line, I’m saying a lot less, and I’m just doing the work myself. And instead that breeds resentment, right? So I want you to know that it’s important that you’re speaking up on things that you disagree with, and it’s important that you’re speaking up on things that upset you. And it’s important that you’re speaking up, you know, on things that you know are issues and points of dissatisfaction and improvement that you need within a relationship. One, because you deserve it. I mean, what on earth, you’re going to be connected to someone for a lifetime and, and just settle and deal with things that you know, make you uncomfortable or against your morals or affect your family or your kids? Get out of here. That’s not okay. You know, and I can say that proudly now, like I felt it in my body, because I’m saying it to you and I’m saying it to me, it’s not okay, you deserve more. But I’m also saying that it is important that you have a safe space to do it. And I think that that is twofold. One, it’s about constantly cultivating in the relationship, a safe place, way, system, process, in order to to discuss these things. Now, that part is going to differ for everyone, right, and part of why it’s gonna be different also is mental health issues. If you’re with a partner who is mentally stable and had a great childhood and is healthy and well developed, fortunately, when you have disagreements, the disagreement can stay in the center of the room and accountability, responsibility, blaming is not really an issue, you’re able to be able to say, hey, we’re talking about the issue, we’re focused on the problem at hand, we own that this isn’t our problem, even if you’re bringing it up. And I own responsibility and how we’re going to fix it because I want a happy relationship. And that is honestly, it takes therapy to get there. You know, if somebody doesn’t have it, sometimes it takes therapy to stay there, because life will throw you bumps and bruises. But that is such a core part of a relationship is being able to say, what is my role in, in helping fix and solve this problem. And let me own the fact that, you know, I am responsible for my own life, you know, and this relationship is part of my life. And I’m going to have to do things to maintain it, you know, and that might include having this difficult conversation and taking away things that I’m going to act on, in order to have a better life, you know?

If you feel like you have a great partner and you want to sustain it, or you have a great life, and you want to sustain it, you’re gonna have to do stuff to keep it you know, like, that’s just how life is, you can’t have nice things and not do work. And, and that is a huge part of how I fight with the Misterfella. One of the things that we do is we have a, you know, the issues on the table, you know, it’s not me, and it’s not you, it’s on the table. So we’re looking at it, we’re describing it, we’re talking about it, we’re explaining how it might make us feel or what we see it doing. But we do not talk about it in the context of you are this or you have done this or you are this person, because that’s such an overarching statement. And it doesn’t honor the fact that there is love there. And it doesn’t give the benefit of the doubt that is so necessary in a relationship. You know, for me, in particular, what that looks like is I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m well loved, and that my partner is committed and that everything he’s doing is in our interest and the interest of my girls.

So that means that if there’s something that occurs in the relationship that is negative or hurtful or challenging or hard, that it may just be a thing, and not necessarily something that is happening to me or done deliberately or personal. And I don’t need to take it personally. I don’t need to get dejected about it like oh, this will never get fixed or everything is awful, or the world is terrible. Or this is a symptom of my partner being a horrible person towards me. It’s just not that. It usually is we need to figure this out because it’s probably a misunderstanding. And if nothing else, the figuring it out portion of it will tell me a lot more about whether or not this is a real problem. And the other advantage I have there is, if something is a real problem, and I do need to figure it out, I’m also able to, because of my own therapy, and my own self love my own worth, say, look, it’s not my job to fix my partner either.

So if they’re showing me like, no, like, this is my value system, I don’t care about your kids. And this, I will never do school pickup, or I’ll never clean the house, or I’ll never do whatever, it’s not my job to sit here and spend years and years and years trying to help that person understand the value behind doing those things for themselves even, no. It’s my job to say, Okay, if that’s who you are, and your firm behind that, then I deserve to find someone who will, you know, think align that or I’m allowed to have that for myself, because I am enough for myself too you know? And so it makes it a lot safer to be able to talk about those issues, because you feel that sense of personal security, around, not needing to be completed in your other partner and your partner is also hold within themselves.

So with us for fighting fair, it’s keeping the issue in the center of the room. The other thing we do, and this is, you know, kind of cheesy, but also based in science. You know, touching is something that we do a lot. So if it starts getting too hot, which is the phrasing that I always use, like it’s too hot right now, meaning we are getting kind of angry, voices are a little elevated. I’m not a big like screamer yeller in or like I’m not heightened anger, my kids always talk about how I use like my firm mom voice, you know, but I’m not like a big like, oh, like, I don’t do that, I don’t throw things like that’s just not my nature. And so you know, and my partner isn’t either actually, but like, when we both start, I can feel the escalation and energy. Sometimes I will literally just stop talking, walk over and like, hold him. And I’ll say, phrases like, you know, we can keep being angry, we can keep talking this through. You know, I’m not saying that you’re wrong. And I’m not saying that I’m right. You know, and I want to keep figuring this out, but it’s too hot right now. It’s too hot right now, we need to bring it down. So that we can get this figured out because I know we’ll figure it out. And, and sometimes I’ll just say like, we’re not breaking up, we’re not breaking up. This is not it’s not going to be over. This isn’t what this is, we’re just figuring this out. And when I tell you the saying of these phrases, and he’ll say them to me, too.

So, you know, if he’s like, season, I’m really upset about something, you know, he’ll say phrases like, you know, I trust you, and I love you. And I know that I’m probably misunderstanding something, and we’re gonna figure this out, you know, so let’s just keep talking. And when I tell you these phrases that are sort of independent of the disagreement, but are just reminders, sort of in the context of a hot moment of how much love is still there, and how this hot moment is not changing that sometimes will even say, you know, I love you, I love you so much. You know, like, and not in a sarcastic way, like I love you, you know, like, let’s keep talking, and it’s important to say those things because it almost diffuses things, but it also shifts our brain kind of you know, from that place of, like, I have to defend where I am to, it’s us, we’re figuring it out, this is figureoutable, like we can do this. And it’s been so, so helpful, um, you know, physical touch being a really big one.

And, again, you know, I’m not diminishing the privilege that I have of a safe partnership. It’s not lost on me. I’ve been in partnerships before that were physically violent. I’ve been in partnerships before that were emotionally abusive. I’ve been in partnerships before that, you know, especially when I was very young, that were extremely lopsided in terms of, you know, age or, you know, all these different things, I talk about a lot of that and how that has led to some of my partner choices in my book that’s coming out this year in 2023, in fall of 2023. So, you know, it’s not lost on me that not all of us are in positions where we can do that safely. Especially if mental health is present. You know, I’ve been there.

But I also want you to know is that what I describe here and I’m trying not to be too emotional about it, because I know, this is hard and sensitive for some. But it’s this part I want you to hear especially if you’re in your 20s or early 30s. And you are new to this thing and trying to figure it out or a year in or three years in. I want you to know that it is actually possible to have a normal, healthy relationship, where disagreements don’t end in fighting, throwing, physical stuff, where the partner doesn’t talk badly about you or hang up on you where they don’t block you all over social or make fun of you in front of your friends or your family, where they don’t leave you hanging or, you know, strand on the side of a street.

And I see a lot of stuff on social media or on like some of these reality shows where it’s, it’s not what we kind of constantly label as, like obvious violence, you know of that physical sort. But I want you to know that, like, it is possible to have disagreement and still feel loved. And not only is it possible, I want you to know that that is like normal, it is healthy, it is common, and you deserve it. And it took me a while to learn that, and I hope that for some of you listening, you know, in this chat that we’re having, if you’re ever wondering if that’s real, that you’re hearing my voice, you know, as as your good friend, who you really can trust that I’m telling you like, it is really normal, and healthy, to be able to still feel and have and be loved, even when it’s hard or bad, or challenging or difficult.

And I’m not just saying that from my perspective, I’m not just on some, well, of course, because you’re this or you have this or this this, no, I have friends who have gone through miscarriages, and, you know, cancer and really traumatic things in their own lives, like y’all, I’m going through a divorce, you know, and I have a partner that came into my life, you know, on the tail end of this thing and was still here and present with all of that hardship and was kind. And I want to let you know that like that is normal and to be expected across the board. And if you are holding up your relationship and not seeing that, there is something to explore, you are not crazy and if it’s been years and years and years of that there is something to explore, and you’re not crazy. And even if you’ve acclimated to it as your norm, just because it’s normalized, does not mean that it is normal. And I don’t want you to normalize in your life or for your littles that are watching or for the challenges that life is going to be, I don’t want you to normalize fighting unfairly, or in an aggressive way, as what a relationship is, because it’s not. And if you’re on the other side of it, where you feel like you’re the aggressor, I want you to also recognize that you can be in places that make you into someone that you don’t want to be. And at any point in time, you can choose to make it different. You can get into an environment, you know how some people are like on vacation me, when I’m on vacation, I’m just lighter and brighter and happier. I want you to know that living as the best version of yourself also can do with your environment, your circumstances and people that you have around you.

So I’m going through one of the hardest times of my life, you know this post divorce, life, rebuild, restructure what does it look like figuring oneself out you know, and yet this is one of the best times of my life. My life has been truly filtered down to only the best of the best, the people that you see in my life every day are all good and stable people. The people that you don’t see in my life every day are people that I have intentionally chosen to not for my life and there’s a reason for that. And it’s because I am fiercely protecting and shaping and having my peace and it’s the most valuable thing to me because it’s tied to my health and I deserve to live well and live long and so do you.

Nicole:

Hey friend, I wanted to catch up on all the things. Now I love the fact that over on Instagram at Nicole Walters, you are constantly in my DMs, whether it is sending me first day of school pics of my internet nephews and nieces, or your life updates or on graduation you name it. I love hearing from you. So always slide into my DMs. I’m always here for it. But I also want to give you a life update because that’s part of what we do here.

So I know that we’ve had chats here with my littles, if you head back to the top of the season, you know, I’ve had each of my kiddos on here. We’ve had chats with Alex, my Misterfella. I mean, we’ve covered a lot of ground and a lot of changes and transitions. But I mean, I don’t know what it is about my life, it is constantly on the go. So here’s the latest and the greatest in the life updates if you’ve sort of been falling around, but feel like you’re missing things through the loop now. I am in California now. I am in Los Angeles almost full time. I still have property back in Atlanta. And you know, the MidTiny is in college over there. She is going into her senior year, y’all. If you have been following along with our TV show on USANetwork or you have kept up with us on social media, you know that I have an adoptive mom of three amazing girls and I adopted them at ages 3, 11 and 14. And now I am a mom to an 11 year old, a 20 year old and a 23 year old, which is bananas. I’m not even 40 yet. I can’t even believe I’ve done two proms and two graduations, you know potty training, kindergarten, book reading, all this stuff in about eight years, like life is bananas. But these kids are growing up and you guys have been there all along the way. And it is just such a blessing to have you as internet aunties, but the kids are growing up and so MidTiny is now in college. She’s going into her senior year, and she had her first accounting internship, y’all.

Y’all bless these children? She was like, what is this scam that is adulthood. I mean, first of all, it was a paid internship. So y’all know, back in our day, I mean, you were lucky enough to get an internship that fed you, you were lucky enough that they spoke to you. I mean, odds are you’re gonna be running halfway across town for like no money. And you had to cover everything on your own. And you still had to do school. But you know, now I mean, the kids don’t even know how cushy they got it. These internships are paid. They’re paid at like $20 an hour, they get to do real work, be in the office, they take them out to lunch. I mean, they got a good thing going. But I know that first real world job is always a shock and mid 20s kind of dealing with that. She has been healthy. And for those you guys don’t know, she is a stage four cancer survivor. There’s been no recurrence, she’s been healthy and clear ever since her last round of chemo. And, and we’re just we thank God for that. And we know that there won’t be any recurrence whatsoever for her entire life. And we’re just so grateful for that.

She has a boyfriend. And I am adjusting to that as a mother. He’s a great guy. I give her a hard time about him. I give him a hard time about him. But honestly, he treats her so well. And I’m thankful for that. I think that watching my older girls finally come of age to have these relationships that aren’t just like, you know, your little play, play high school and your play, play middle school ones, really puts into perspective, the importance of my own relationship. And, and I’m just even more grateful, even though divorce wasn’t something that I anticipated, expected or wanted. Boy, am I thankful now that I’m in such a healthy and nurturing partnership, that I’m able to be that example, particularly for my little one because I really see how it impacts how my my girls choose their partners, what they expect from their partners, how seriously they take my advice, because believe it or not, you know, teens are inclined already to not listen to us. And if they’re seeing us not live, what we’re trying to tell them, you better believe that’s going to have an impact too.

So I’m just so grateful. She has a great boyfriend, and he’s good to her. And I’m just so thankful for that. She is really developing and coming into her own. She’s beautiful. She’s smart, she makes great choices. And you know, aunties, I’m so, so proud. But it has not been easy. Having a 20 year old who is in school and in the world, just on a mama level. I think a lot of us can relate to this. You know, there’s just general worry all the time. You know, we have great healthy communication and she, you know, keeps me up to speed with what she’s doing. And I’m thankful for that. We have a very open and honest relationship. If you guys have any questions about that, she’s on an earlier episode this season. I’ll put that in the show notes, where she talks about you know, how we foster our communication, why she’s so comfortable talking to me about everything from boyfriends to her body to her business to her school like everything. And we talk about that in detail.

She actually shares a lot of details about that in an episode again, check the show notes for that episode. But, you know, it still doesn’t make it any easier, I think on my Mom Brain, knowing she’s out there, but I’m so thankful for her strong decision making, it reminds me of something that my therapist told me many years ago when I’ll give you an update on my older one, because this relates to her. But many years when my older one was kind of struggling with some of that adult transition stuff, my therapist said to me, you have to remember when they go out into the world, that everything you put in them is still in there. So even if it seems like they’re being a little wild, or being a little crazy, or you wonder about their decision making in the quiet moments, and the hard moments, you know, as they mature, they tap into everything you put into them. And so I’ve really remembered this on two ends, one, everything positive I put into them is still in there, everything negative I put into them is still in there. So it’s just really important to be mindful of what you pour into your kids, because they will use it one way or another. So she’s doing great, and I’m so proud of her. And it’s nice, because you know, she’s now officially the kid who like comes home for the holidays, and you know, calls to check in and you know, follows me on social. It’s just such a different relationship. And it’s hard to believe that was like my little 11 year old baby, you know, I had her when my youngest, you know, at the same age, like it’s just bananas, but she’s doing great.

And my older one, my 23 year old, I haven’t really given much of an update on her whether it’s online or here, because she’s just been going through a tougher journey that I am going to talk about a little bit right now. I do detail it and talk about, you know, the starting point of that journey, the evolution of that journey more in my book, which is coming out this year in 2023. And I’m very excited to finally get that in your hands and on shelves, because it’s being published by Simon and Schuster with the Simon element brand. So you know, keep an eye out for that I’ll share my release date in the coming months. I’m very excited about it and working really hard. But I talk a lot about that relationship and kind of more around that journey from my perspective there. But you know, I am going to share a little bit about it now I’ve I’ve talked about it here on the podcast, I’ve talked about it a bit on Instagram, and just one or two lines, but the big tiny, you know, my eldest daughter, if you watch the show, you notice she wasn’t on that she wasn’t on that season, if you have kept up in social media, you know that she kind of dropped off online. And it’s just something that we haven’t really discussed much. And a huge part of that has been to protect her privacy, you know, the transition from age, I’d say 17, you know, into her 20s wasn’t very easy for her.Our eldest was one that we got her when she was a little bit older. So she was 14, and she’d seen a lot more, she’d been through a lot more. She’d had to fight and protect a lot more. And, you know, she came with a lot of challenges, traumas, and a ton of gifts, you know, that some, you know, were things she didn’t deserve, and have absolutely been given to her and somewhere, you know, choices that she made based on the tools she had and what she knew. But needless to say, you know, we ran into some challenges that she had to get out into the world and it was harder for her. That’s the best way I can describe it is just as a mom, we all can see the potential right?

As moms, as sisters, you know, even as business owners, we can often see the potential of what we know our kids are, we see the best version of them. But as individuals. And I think we all know this feeling, whether it’s through imposter syndrome, or just general insecurity, we all know what it feels like to not see the best version of ourselves. And that was something that my eldest really struggled with. She believed a lot of what she’d been told and not what she was. And that was reflected in her choices around her lifestyle, her choices and how she approached school, her choices in how she interacted with others. And that all kind of came to a head when she was 18. And she just decided to go off into the world on her own. I mean, she was in college and it wasn’t working out well for her. And we were talking about different alternatives and she just was ready to take on life and she wanted to do that off camera. She wanted to do that, you know, obviously I share a lot of my life here, you know, and it was something that you know, it was just pretty much uniformly decided that okay, you know, like, this is your season to just live you know, and I’m here mom never goes anywhere, you know, and I’m always in your corner.

But you know if this is what you want to do, then you know I’m just here and it’s hard to talk about it. And you know, it is a conversation and a story that deserves pages and not just podcast lines or a caption on Instagram. So I do detail it in my book more because there’s so much about it, so many stories that are tied to it. But ultimately, and unfortunately, based on her background, and where she comes from, you know, with addiction, that was something that kind of came up in her life again, as she had to cope with some of the challenges that adulthood brings. And very quickly, within, you know, the year or two after she went off on her own, she discovered, you know, substances, and those substances, you know, kind of spun out of control. And I think that this is something that a lot of, unfortunately, a lot of us can relate to. We all have someone in our life that I think has dealt with challenges around substance use. Sometimes it’s us, you know, and it’s been difficult to navigate. Watching her struggle with that, knowing that that’s what she came from and knowing that that is, especially as our mom, not her identity. That it is not who she is, and that she is capable of so much and just deserves so much. And that while you know, being an addict can be sort of a challenge and something that she has to overcome, it isn’t all that she is. And I’m happy to say that she is a year plus sober at this point, I’m coming up on trying to do the math in my head, I want to say almost a year and a half sober. And that’s really exciting.

It’s exciting and it’s amazing to see her come into her own, you know, she’s 23 now, so she is a proper adult. And when I tell you the stuff she’s doing now, when I look at her, I mean, I’ve always been in awe of her, I don’t know if she could ever see herself the way I see her, I hope she does, you know, I hope she believes me when I tell her she’s just amazing. I mean, she mesmerizes me, I admire her so and she inspires me. And that was before, during and after addiction. I mean, I saw her hitting every single thing every day, and just growing so much. And she is now a year and a half sober. And I talk about in the book, the moment when she sort of came back home, if you will, and what it looked like to do all that but what you guys may not know, and what I haven’t really talked about, you know, in the starting over journey, if you will, of you know, this past season on the podcast is that I had to check her into rehab during this divorce transition.

So, you know, I received a call one day and you know, all these things had happened and transpired in her world. And it was just very clear that, that day of that moment, I was going to fly her next to me and she would remain up under me, as a mom and we were going to treatment together. You know, I’m very similar to when my daughter was diagnosed, my middle one was stage four cancer, we were going to fight cancer together because I’m their mama, we’re gonna do it together. That’s what it is. And so, you know, we began that process again over a year and a half ago, and it was very successful. And, and I’m grateful she did all the hard work. You know, I just had to watch like a mama bear like always do but it was quite the journey. And I’m just happy to say in her little life update, you know, she is running a sober living facility now. She is still in California with me. And she’s running a sober living facility. She is helping other women of a variety of ages, I believe from 18, all the way up into their 60s that are in recovery right now, transition back into the world and get jobs and learn coping mechanisms and stay sober. And not only is she regularly going to her, you know, meetings, she also is a sponsor, which is you know, a big title, you know, within the recovery process.

That means that she has the ability skills and sobriety, standing to be able to sponsor someone who’s still working through their new journey and she’s doing a great job with that. And she’s everything that I always knew she would be and I never had any expectation or aspiration around how she would manifest in the world but I always knew she would be a person who gives back in a very big way and saves lives and that’s what she does every single day and it started with saving her own. And I’m so proud of her and so you know Mama’s if you’re out there, you know of course, I know you pray for all the babies, but just you know, throw a special one up for her because she really has had to find a different type of demon and she is winning every single day. So really proud of her and just excited to see what God holds for her in the future.

And then, of course, there’s my little one, my 11 year old, you know, the Puffin, if you’ve kept up online. The Puffin is 11 and she is smart, and rambunctious and clever and witty, and amazing and resilient. And her teacher describes her as a very serious child. And it’s funny because I’m a very silly mom. I’m playful. I’m always coming up with, you know, games and activities. And Alex’s the same way, my Misterfella. He’s very playful and sillier than me. And she is just a matter of fact, kid. I mean, I was joking with her the other day saying, Gosh, you know, your sisters are all out of the house. And I know your day is coming soon. I mean, how do you feel knowing that you’re gonna move out someday soon? She’s 11 now. And she says to me, Mom, why would I rush to move out? I don’t want to have to pay taxes.

I mean, like, whose kid is this? My kid, obviously. So, you know, it’s just been a blessing. I mean, she is generous, she’s kind. And she’s really developing a personality. And so it’s hard to believe she’s going into sixth grade. And I’m gonna have a middle schooler, and it’s just wild. So in this chat, you know, I gave you the update and all the kiddos and the fact that we’re in Los Angeles, but part of why I was giving you the update on the kiddos is because I wanted to share that I am looking to have more. And I know that is something that I Gosh, you want to talk about number one question that I always get in this internet space, you know, when everyone knew that I’d adopted three littles. You know, if you’ve kept up with the story, it’s actually the very first episode of the Nicole Walters Podcast ever and our top podcast episode ever. If you want to listen to it, just go back to the top, it is the story of how I became an adoptive mother in 30 days to three girls, and it’s not traditional. The story isn’t. I met them on the side of the road in Baltimore and in just a matter of weeks, I had them, you know, essentially full time I talked about it, so many more details in my book. But you know, that’s a pretty good primer, if you will, if you listened to Episode One.

But what’s interesting was, a lot of people have always assumed like, gosh, well, Nicole, did you not have kids? Because you couldn’t, you know, or did you not have kids because you were having fertility challenges? Because at the time that I became an adoptive mother, at least when I met the girls, I’d been married for seven years. And the truth is, and I’ll say it out loud now is, you know, I think part of it is I didn’t have kids because I knew that something in my marriage wasn’t in alignment. You know, it’s hard to say out loud. I don’t think I’ve ever said that anywhere. But you know, I think that’s part of it. I knew there were things in my marriage that weren’t supportive of the household I would want for raising an infant.

I was always a little bit worried about the workload balance, I was always worried about support, I was always worried about whether or not financially I’d be able to, you know, because obviously, I didn’t have, you know, everything that I have now financially. And I just was really nervous about what it would mean to take on that task and I know that a lot of women can probably relate to that. I sadly, you know, where maybe you push some of your dreams aside because you weren’t sure about your partnership. And you didn’t even realize you were doing it but I always knew I wanted to be a mom. That was something that was without question.

I found a letter that I wrote to myself, it was a school assignment when I was in class, in Mr. Duncan Krebble’s class, RIP, loved him. And the assignment was, you know, what makes you who you are, what do you want to be in the future, and I was in 10th grade and I wrote, I want to be known for doing good. I want to be a mom. I want to change the world. I want to be someone who is inspiring and gives back and I want to make sure that, you know, I help my friends be successful. I mean, like this was who I was in 10th grade. So it’s just like, I’m such a nerd. But you know being a mom was part of that list because I said I want to be a mom because I love kids and it’s crazy because when you’re in a partnership that or maybe I mean we’re having a whole therapy moment right now as I reflect on it, you know out loud, this isn’t always how you’re going to catch me but you know, maybe I love kids so much that I knew that that wasn’t what I wanted to do or who I wanted to do it with. Whoop, truth moment you know? Or maybe it was that you know, I just changed, you know, when you’re in a marriage that isn’t as fulfilling you know of everything you think you need or if you’re in a partnership or even a job or you know, anything that isn’t fulfilling what you need, sometimes you try to adapt what you know, you want to fit your circumstances and I think that might have been a little bit of what I was doing.

I was blessed to have these kids come into my world. But they came into my world unexpectedly, it wasn’t planned. And I’d always been the super auntie, I’d always been the mentor, I’d always been the, you know, big brother, big sister. That was something I’d always done. And that’s what I thought it was going to be with my girls. And again, in my book, I talk about that journey step by step by step. But, you know, I really did kind of push down, like, I’ll have kids later, I’ll have kids later, I wasn’t even going to consider, you know, having children until 35, you know, was kind of what I thought it may be, and maybe just one because I knew that was something I wanted to do, but I just wasn’t sure if my partner was going to be ready for that.

And what’s crazy is I met the girls at 28, boom, Mama of three. But now, you know, after sort of stuffing that dream aside for so long, and then, you know, once I had my girls, I was like, oh, you know, thank you God, I didn’t think I’d be getting divorced again, I was like, Thank you, God for giving me a chance to be a mom. And, you know, and I’m so fulfilled. But I realized that, you know, the call is still on my heart to you know, have children and to carry and to add to the world and to nurture and to raise and to have a bigger family and the idea of having a, you know, Thanksgiving table with like, 15 people at it, you know, it like just noisy house and, you know, kids running around and just, I mean, literally when I think about being a grandmother, it makes me teary, you know, like, I just really, not too soon, in case my kids listen to this. When I say being a grandmother makes me teary, I mean, like at an old age, okay, because I don’t need my girls trying to bless me any sooner than necessary. Amen.

But that said, you know, it’s exciting, because, you know, I talk about it here starting over. And when I tell you so much of this life right now feels like I’m doing things for the first time, which is wild, because I’ve already lived a whole life. I’ve become a multimillionaire, I’ve had multiple homes, I’ve raised these kids through these different chapters. And now here I am in a new relationship, wanting to have new children, in a new city with a new partner, that feels like I’m doing everything for the first time.

And it’s a blessing but scary, you know, but I’m here, and I’m leaning in. And it’s exciting to be able to share with you that, you know, this is a journey that I hope to start pretty soon, you know, obviously, I want to make sure everything is in alignment. But I don’t think I’ll wait as long as I did the first time. And, you know, it doesn’t mean stay on baby watch but it does mean that as we’re doing life together, send good prayers.

We’ll see what happens. But that’s the update. You know, I’m out here, finishing up this book that’s going to come out this year. And I’ve had some TV show projects for major networks that I should be hearing about in the coming months. So I can’t wait to tell you guys about that. The kids are alright, thank God. The kids are alright. And they’re with their mom, and they’re thriving, and they’re doing so well. And I’m just so blessed. And I’m alright.

You know, it’s not easy, there are high days and their low days, yesterday was a crying day, I literally was in bed just like crying, you know, about just like, I can’t believe like, you know, where things are still getting my work done and stuff, but I just had, I was in a funk, you know, and I still have those because, you know, it’s kind of like grief, you know, as much as you may have moved on, and you’re okay, and you’re so happy and thankful, doesn’t mean you don’t sometimes miss you know, what used to be or what it thought what you thought it was or the familiarity of the comfort or some of the perceived elements of ease, you know, so it’s normal to have your sad days. But my gosh, the good days outnumber the sad ones and, and I’m so thankful, I’m thankful for you. And I’m thankful for this opportunity. And I’m thankful for my littles in the future. So keep your fingers crossed.

And, you know, and maybe I’ll have some more announcements later. But in terms of the big things in the fold, you know, we’ve got BigTiny who stay in sober we’ve got MidTiny, who’s getting ready to enter the world as a full adult with a full job and y’all pray for her so she can stop being a bill on my on my end, you know, and the little one heading into middle school and me hopefully adding to the pack.

So send me your good news. I love hearing it. I love hearing what you’re up to. I love being able to stand in agreement with you on that and prayer. And above all else, I just I’m so thankful that you’re doing this journey with me. So let’s stay together.

Nicole:

Hey friends, I am so beyond excited to come back and chat with you in 2023. A new year is upon us and boy, do we have some mindset, some business, some life and mom things to connect on because time is a social construct.

Right? I mean, it’s not because all of us say to ourselves that as soon as we cross the line over into the new year, that we are going to, you know, suddenly have more energy or suddenly feel more renewed or suddenly feel like we’re able to do more things. And I just want to be the voice in your ear, your sweet, dear friend that says, it does not have to be any of that. Because it ain’t for me. Right?

The one quote unquote, resolution goal plan strategy that I’ve made for myself this year is that I am not going to kill myself behind chaos. Okay? I mean, when I tell you that everything from 2022 has rolled right over into 2023, I am still dealing with navigating being a mom. I am still dealing with, you know, being in a whole new life and figuring everything out and elements of starting over and because all those things are still in front of me, it’s kind of crazy to put this imaginary marker on the changing of a clock or changing of a calendar and thinking that everything’s gonna be different. So for those of you who are, you know, coming back with me in the new year and hanging out and chatting, I just want you to know that if you don’t feel like anything’s changed, if you’re still feeling a little bit of that, like, oh, I don’t feel refreshed, you know, it’s okay because I’m there too. But I do want to let you know that we still bear some responsibility, if you will, around how we want to set intentions for the year.

So you’ve heard of people setting resolutions, right? Picking a goal, picking something new, picking something you want to accomplish, or add to self, you know, and that’s what I wanted us to just take a minute to reflect on today.Now, I don’t want to poopoo goal making, right? Because goal making is important. How on earth are you going to know what you’re aiming for if you aren’t with intentionality, or strategizing towards something and you guys oh my God girl, even in the Bible, they say write it down and make it plain, right. So when you put something down, you’re more likely to accomplish it. But what I want to let you know is there’s a lot of like marketing and a lot of business advising that happens around the goal world and accountability. So this is the year of or I should say this the time of year of journals and planners and systems and all of that. And I want to share with you how I am approaching this year.

So one, obviously, as I already shared, I said I’m not going to succumb to chaos, right? It just truly is not the season for that. Because I think that we’ve all learned by now between pandemy and what is happening now the triple Demmick, right, wherever everybody’s getting the flu or COVID or RSV, or, I don’t know, DTV if there’s something out there, and everybody’s getting it right? And so I just want to let you know, there’s so much upon us and we’ve learned that the world brings the unexpected constantly. So I just want you to know that that is not what we’re gonna do. We are not going to stress ourselves out, right? But what I want you to know is that setting an intentional item is important.

So here is what I wanted to let you know about last year and what I’ve learned about this year. There’s one single strategy that I have employed in my intentionality creation that I’ve been doing every single year. And last year, I took a little shift that made all the difference. I was going through one of the most difficult seasons of my life. Now, that shift was instead of feeling like I needed to add something to myself, for the very first time, last year, I decided to let go. And I know that we are so used to hearing resolutions and goal setting being about I need to add a gym membership so I can lose weight, I need to add on new hobbies and skills so that I can grow in this way. I need to take a new course, learn a new language, travel some place else. We’re always looking to add to ourselves as if something is missing. And if you know me, and you’ve heard what I’ve said on Instagram, if you follow me there at NicoleWalters, or you know all around the internet, I’m always saying that nothing is missing. Everything is right, everything is wrong, but nothing is missing.

And so for the very first time last year, I just want to let you know how I spent New Years. So at this point I had been a year plus into being divorced. I was looking at another year of it in front of me of singlehood, you know, and I had been navigating the world for the very first time as a single woman, as a single mom, as someone who unexpectedly found themselves in this position where they feel like maybe cast aside, you know, and that love just wasn’t something that was in the cards for me. And that kind of went astray.

And I mean, I remember that New Years of 2021 was filled with a deep loneliness and a longingness. And I remember leading up to that day to December 31 feeling like Wow, this looks nothing like what I thought, you know, I am in California in a beautiful beach house, I’m well cared for. I mean, God truly has kept me during this sort of waiting and transitional season, but it definitely wasn’t the house full of kids sleeping everywhere after the holidays. And, you know, the merry table and the meals and the leftovers in the fridge and all these things. I mean, I was just I was, I felt like I was in shambles. And I remember pouring myself this glass of champagne as the clock is starting to tick down, kind of insistent on still celebrating.

I remember I picked up that champion at the last minute at Trader Joe’s because I said, Well, it is New Year’s right. And I should try to, you know, lean into this. And I should try to, you know, still celebrate the fact that I exist. If nothing else, I’m trying to try not to get choked up about it. But I remember, the biggest thing that I wanted in this season was love. I just wanted to know if that was something I could look forward to again, because I knew that I would always be a mom. And I knew that I would always look out for my kids and I knew that we were family and family was not something I was lacking because as long as I had my three babies, and as long as I was able to be in their lives and support them, I absolutely knew that wasn’t something I would lack.

So, you know, if there was anything I could resolve for, it was to have love and companionship. And I knew that I loved partnership, I love being a wife and I loved, you know, leaning into a partner and having a partner lift me and that was what I was seeking for a lifetime, not just for 2022, but for a lifetime. And I took my glass of champagne, and I headed up to my rooftop deck off the beach to watch the fireworks. And I remember as the clock started ticking down, and I was just kind of looking out and seeing these fireworks starting to erupt. And I remember thinking to myself, well, what is it I need to add in order to have love in 2022? Like, what is it that I need to fix? Repair? Change? What am I missing? That’s gonna help me actually get this thing that I so desire, this thing that I thought I had, you know, at least the fantasy of it, you know, how am I going to get the real version? And how am I going to finally, outside of myself, I loved myself, I love being with myself, but I was ready. I felt like I’d be ready for years, honestly. And I was ready. And I remember just taking a moment in prayer.

And this is what I want to extend to you. And I decided to approach it differently. So for all of you may be saying to yourself, you have a particular goal or desire, whether it’s make more money or lose more weight or you know, have a baby or start that business or reconnect with that family member, whatever adding to your life. Sometimes the answer is to release. And that’s what I did in that moment. I remember that in 2021, I looked off into the fireworks and I said to myself, you know, you gotta come at this a different way.

And so I did a little prayer, I said, God, you know, I’m tired. I am tired of questioning and looking and wanting and feeling like it’s, you know, the answer is in a couple more pounds or being a little more stylish or a couple more commas in my bank account or more work. I’m adding in all these different ways and I like me, you know, like I agree with you God, I like me, you know, like we’re doing great over here. But I still have this desire for love. And if there’s one thing that I pray for in the new year, Lord, it is simply to be okay being alone.

And when I say okay being alone, I don’t mean in the way where I am so deeply desiring partnership because I’m unsatisfied with self, I mean, helped me surrender this belief that I am going to have more kids or have companionship and just be more okay with it just being me and you, God. Because I’m okay with it. Like if it’s just going to be us then I realized I have everything and I don’t need much else.

So if this moment is the one where I have to surrender that and say, hey, it’s just us and I’ve got my babies and you know what, okay, that’s what 2022 is, then help me to find whatever else I need to to continue to live in complete joy with what I have, because I recognize that what I have is so much.

And when I tell you there was a level of humility that it takes to be able to sit there and say, I have enough. Especially when you’re in a moment when you’ve lost so much. I’d lost the vision of my previous family and I’d lost, you know, I had multiple homes, you know, and I downsized everything, frankly you don’t need all that stuff when it’s just you. And you know, everything just looks so different. And yet, I was saying, You know what, God, if this is all there ever is, it’s enough, I surrender.

The only thing I need now is to just be continuously good with that and finding joy in every day. And I have to tell you, what was interesting was in that moment, I could feel it top to bottom, the power of surrendering control over thinking that I’m going to resolve to make something look different. And when I did that, just five days later, I met Alex.

And if you haven’t been keeping up, or if you haven’t tuned in on past episodes, you know, Alex is someone who’s really important to me, he’s the guy that I’m seeing, He means the world to me. And, you know, we’ve been in this thing now for over a year. And I’m so so grateful, you know, to be in this partnership. It has healed me, it has restored me, it has replenished me, it is more than I ever could have expected. I didn’t even know the words to pray for what I have now.

And I say this to you because for me, that was the thing that I was seeking was, you know, this, this type of love. And I want you to know that if you are sitting there saying to yourself, you know, for this year that the thing that you want feels like it’s out of reach. Or if you’re saying for the 10th time over that you have the same resolution as you’ve always had, I just want you to know that there’s power in surrender.

There is strength in being able to say, You know what, instead of me going against the current, I’m just going to float with the waves. Instead of me fighting tooth and nail to try to make something happen day in and day out. What does it look like for me to be okay where I am? I have a dear friend who’s doing a little self challenge with herself where she in a very big way. I mean, this is someone who I love dearly and is incredibly qualified and incredibly capable. I mean, this woman can do everything she builds businesses, she’s a stellar mom. She’s a generous friend. And she spent so much of her life I’ve known her for over a decade now, she spent so much of her life giving and doing for others. And this year, her little self challenge that she’s doing is what does it look like if the only thing I work on is me?

>What if that is all I do for here, I just work on everything that has to do with me, making myself the most joyful possible, making my relationship with God as close as possible, being the best mom, I can be showing up completely as a wife, you know, leaning into my home, waking up every day and saying I want to learn a new recipe. I mean, this is truly her only project right now. Now, I know there’s some of you right now who are hearing this and saying, Well, what privilege right, you know, to be in that position to be able to financially have that freedom to be able to, you know, what does she have a rich husband? How does she do it? Well, I want to let you know that that choice has nothing to do with money. It’s all about scale, right? For you, what would it look like if every day you said to yourself, Well, I’m always going to seek a moment of gratitude? Well, every day, I am going to choose to not lean into anger and instead recalibrate and figure out what this looks like for me or every day I’m going to go into therapy and instead of sitting in therapy, just kind of halfway doing it, I’m going to lean in and share a vulnerable moment. What does it look like for you to surrender to the process a little differently?

What does it look like for you to surrender your expectation on how things need to work, the process, they have to follow the steps it has to take, how results need to look and instead say, you know what, I’m just going to show up every day, I’m going to give it my absolute best. I’m going to be positive about the outcomes. And then whatever happens, I’m going to go with the flow. And friend, top of the year, if that’s what you decide to do, guess what? We’re in it together, because that’s what it’s all about is doing life together. This year that’s what I’m doing. And I want to commit to that with you. I want to commit to letting you know every single chat that we have. And if you follow me on Instagram or Facebook or around the internet or watch my shows or read my book, you know I want you to know that that’s what it’s going to be all about. So we talked a lot last season about starting over. But this season, I want us to talk all about surrender. What does it look like to let go and lean in?

Friend, I’m so glad we still get to do this together, day in and day out. And I’m so excited about what this is going to mean for us as we grow together, as we see what happens when we just show up as our most complete self and find gratitude in every single moment. I also want to see what happens when we use our resources. Because we don’t have to make this stuff up as we go. There’s somebody who’s lived every aspect of life who knows things I know I’m sharing my secrets and others do too. So keep showing up. I’ll be here and keep leaning in, we’ll get there together. Happy New Year friend. Let’s do this.