Nicole

Hey, friends. So I’m super excited. Because I love chatting with you guys. And you always are submitting the greatest questions and today’s chat is about something that comes up a lot. And I saw this over on Instagram when I dropped an Ask me anything. So if you’re not following me on Instagram, head over to NicoleWalters actually asked me all over social media, but Nicole Walters over on Instagram. And occasionally I’ll just throw up like one of those little question boxes, you can submit questions, and I’ll answer them here and all that good stuff. But one question that comes up all the time, all the time, is Nicole, how do you decide what you want to share? Like, what is the difference between privacy, between shame, between, you know, you’re on social media, and thus, you know, people are entitled to share your life or all of that, you know, and I just want to take a moment to answer that question. Because, you know, there’s so many questions people are interested in, just because life has gone through so many transitions for me in particular, and, you know, I’m dating someone new. And, you know, I got my girls here, and I dealt with divorce.

And you know, I’ve got this incredible, incredible book coming out in fall of 2023, this fall with Simon and Schuster. And it’s my memoir. So it’s, you know, talking about how I got here and what I’m doing next, you know, so all these things are happening. And I do share very transparently, and, and openly on social. So people want to know, Nicole, how do you decide what you share? So that’s, I want to talk about that.

Now, there’s a couple of things you’ve probably heard me already say. And one of them is that I prefer to share my scars and not my scabs. And the implication there is, you know, while things may not be perfectly healed over, I try not to share when the wounds are still raw, or in a position where people may not extract the real value and lessons from it. But just sharing kind of, you know, the pain while I’m in it, I do my best, I’m imperfect about it, you know, but I do my best to try to make sure that when I am sharing, I’m in a place where it’s, I have more clarity, I have lessons I have something to offer. And it’s not just sort of waxing poetic on the internet just to you know, garner attention or to you have a place to express.

I really want to make sure that anything I offer either draws, you know, glory to what God is doing and can do inspiration that you know, you’re able to overcome things or actual tactical practical lessons on how to get it done. So that is one of the things I always think of when I share. Now, I will tell you the other part is, and I think this may come as a huge surprise to many and it’ll be less of a surprise this fall when you read my book. Because when you read my book, you’re going to get a full color picture on the black and white that you’ve seen on social and you’ll realize that I am very transparent with what I do share.

And I don’t know if that may come as a surprise to some because it’s like man, Nicole, but I really feel like you put everything out there. And it’s true. I definitely put out more than probably 90% of people because frankly, I’m very grateful for the life that I have and I’m also very secure in the life I have most people wouldn’t even know the things that I have the biggest insecurities about their idea, you know, but for the most part, I’m pretty secure in myself and my life and my family and all those things because I know that I’m flawed and I know I’m a hot mess and frankly, after being on social media for almost 15 years, I mean literally if you scroll back, I’ve been on here for 15 years.

I’ve always been me. I was using social media before people were so worried about looking like an influencer looking perfect or looking fancy. So I mean everything you see here, flaws, mistakes, errors, imperfect parenting, I mean, I have literally never tried to look perfect that has been, honestly my brand, my brand is the hot mess express. So, and the imperfect Christian and the figuring it all out as I go, you know, the only thing I think I’ve ever really said that I feel pretty strong about his business. And even there, I make mistakes, you know, and I’m still learning in new ways and fields and careers and areas.

But, you know, for the most part, I know what I’m doing there. But all that being said, you know, it’s been so many years of sharing online, and doing it just kind of candidly that I think that what a lot of people miss and when I share is that I am not sharing everything. Right? So a lot of times when things are being shared online, again, because I have a little bit of a delay there, I’m sharing things a little bit after they happened, you know, so when it comes to my divorce, you know, I was already years into the process of, you know, separation and all of that, before anybody even knew anything about it.

You know, I’d been dating my current partner now, you know, for months and months and months and months before, there was even indication that I’ve been dating them, let alone making the announcement. He’d already been in my kids’ lives for over six months, before I’ve even shared anything, you know, with anyone you know. So I think that sometimes people think that, you know, because I do choose to share that type of information that maybe I’m playing it out real time, and I’m not. So one of the things that I think is, if you’re trying to figure out kind of what do I share? What don’t I share, you know, how to look at people’s things. What does that mean? It’s that, you know, a great example is, you know, I did this TV show with USA Network, where I was the lead of, you know, kind of a show showing my business, my life, my family, and all of those things. And on this show, you know, my marriage is depicted, my family’s depicted and so many people were saying like, Oh, my gosh, like, while the show was airing, were you going through the process of divorce and separation, was your marriage having challenges?

And I think that a lot of people may not realize it, but once I say this to you, you’re gonna be like, Oh, my gosh, of course. And oh, that makes so much sense. So, TV is filmed on a delay. Think about this, as you’re watching television shows, how often do you see a difference in weather. So they may be, you know, in winter wearing coats while you’re watching at home in the spring. And just because TV is filmed on delay. A lot of times the things that you’re seeing on television can be as long as four years in the making, two years in the making, three years in the making.

The process of television is one where you film, you know, your pilot or your sampler or your reel that gets approved by the network, then you gotta gather a team, then you film the whole thing. And then editing alone can take months and months and months. And I know that people are like, What do you mean editing, it’s reality TV, you still have to edit stuff out. Because if you’re filming someone for hours, and hours and hours on end, to get a TV show, you’re not going to film, you know, me walking to my bathroom, you’re going to kind of zip from the living room to the bathroom. So everything still goes through editing. And then on top of that, remember, TV shows have commercials. So that means that you’ve got proposals and contracts and things you have to sign in agreement, then those commercials have to get made to get inserted to get put into the network.

So recognize that by the time things come to you in life, especially with entertainment. It’s Oh, so long in the making. So let’s bring that back to you know, what I think a lot of people are wondering, and maybe why you’re listening to this chat today is, you know, people are asking me like Nicole like, I know, we’re just learning about this guy, but are you married? Are you engaged? Are you, you know, what is the status of your relationship? You know, some people are saying, are you having babies, you’ve talked about wanting to have babies, all of that.

So I’m just gonna say it just outright so that it’s totally and completely clear. I am approaching this relationship so differently than I have my others. Now, I have never been one to share my marriage very publicly, or my relationships very publicly. Meaning I have never said I’m a relationship guru. I have not. I am the first to say, I am so excited to be in love. I love this man. Up and down. It is so cool. Being with someone who’s so incredible. I am just giddy about it. And furthermore, everything you’re seeing I am, I can’t stop smiling about it because I cannot believe that this is even happening to me again.

Like I can’t believe I get a chance or a shot at being a wife, at having my own children, when I tell you that going through an unexpected and challenging divorce, broke my heart and I was just, I had to in my healing journey as a single woman, I reconcile that what I am in right now could never possibly never happen for me. So a lot of people don’t realize that when you accept the process of divorce, and you are going through it, you have to be willing to let go of everything. So, because divorce is like that, you know, it’s one of those things where, you know, depending on how your partners may feel, they may be in a mindset of, like, I’m going to get everything or I’m over it or they’re materialistic or whatever. So in order for you to be okay moving forward, you have to be okay leaving everything behind. And I will talk a lot more about that. And I talk about that in my book, some just the importance of surrender, and letting go, but knowing that I really had to heal to the point where I was very okay with it being just me and God, and my girls, of course, you know, that’s something I would never let go, my babies are always gonna be with me and mine, and I love them.

So all that being said, knowing that I would have an opportunity to experience love, even for five minutes, the way that I do, I literally can’t shut up about it, because I had no idea what this is like, and people who are in love or have love or have happy marriages, or are in partnerships that I think are a reflection of the season that I’m in right now, understand exactly what I’m talking about. But people who may not have that or have given up hope on seeing it, may be a little bit more critical or disbelieving or lack understanding around it. And I understand that, but I can absolutely tell you that it is a really, really special thing like I am beside myself. But all that being said, with the marriage, I hope that we get married, you know, like I love him, I want to be married, I love being a wife, like, full on love it. I want to have babies, you know, and all that stuff’s great. And I just y’all know I’ve shared that already.

But what I will also tell you as friends is y’all will be the first to know after like family and my babies, you know, and my close friends, but you likely won’t find out till later. And that is something that is important to me because one, I feel like on social media, people are so quick to experience the things that are happening in their life through the lens. So they don’t even know anymore how to have a wedding without thinking about how it’s going to look on camera, or they don’t know how to have an engagement without worrying about whether or not they’ll get the shots for the internet, you know, and there’s just something really special, I’ve learned about keeping a little bit of love for yourself.

So I share a lot about my relationship because I want those people who are in the waiting season to also see that it’s possible. I also want the people that prayed with me, you know, for change and ease of the grief in my life to see that God answers prayers, like I’m happy, you know and I don’t ever want to hide what God is doing and has done. And I really mean that authentically, you know, it’s something that I’m proud to share, because I think it’s a reflection of the goodness and, and I’m happy and I’m willing to share it knowing that if I get all of it wrong, and everything is terrible down the line, that who cares? You know, who cares if I got it all wrong, who cares if we break up and it’s a whole hot mess, look at what I’m in now God did it once he could do it again, you know, so. So that’s why I do share what I’ve shared so far. But I can tell you right now that, you know, especially as an older woman, you know, trying to get pregnant, you know, at an older age, you know, and I’m not old by any definition, but you know, based on science and what have you, you know, it’s something that like what, you know, when and if I am pregnant, or when or if I am trying friends, like that’s something I probably am not going to share until I reach a certain point where I feel very confident and comfortable in sharing that information.

And I say that one to give some context, you know, so that you guys can understand that, you know, as much as I love our relationship here, that’s gonna be about me, my baby and my fella and our fam, you know, for a season but I will share when the time comes because it is also really exciting. And I love bringing the full circle goodness around what God has done, you know, and I’d like to share the journey of that process. But again, when I have more clarity in that process, so, you know, that’s important, but I also share that perspective and why I’m doing this that way, so that you all can also know if you’re in that place, you don’t have to be an influencer to decide that you don’t want to share stuff. You know, you don’t have to be someone who’s a public figure or noteworthy to decide that you don’t want to tell people your business and even if you share 99% of your business, you don’t have to share the 1% if you don’t want to.

And I think that that is you know, people are like, Well, if you put it out there, you better expect an opinion on it. I mean, sure, that’s fine. But you know, I don’t necessarily have to care about that opinion or the opinion doesn’t have to influence what I do. And also it doesn’t mean that I’m entitled to have to share everything and keeping something private doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s shame around or that it’s wrong or it’s bad. Sometimes we’re just keeping stuff private until I’m ready to share it, you know, for whatever reasons. A lot of those reasons also have to do with my kids. You know, like, my kids deserve to have privacy. And not everything is just about me, you know, so. So you know, if you’ve ever wondered, well, gosh, I can’t be on social media, because I can’t share as vulnerably or transparently as Nicole. Yes, you can, you know, but just share what you’re comfortable sharing and do it in a context that’s going to help and serve, don’t just do it for you know, kicks, you know, and don’t do it in a way that might hurt you, because it’s just not worth it, you know.

And then also know that no matter what you do, it is important to live boldly and out loud and happily and uncompromisingly in your own life, and not worry so much about what other people are going to say, because people will always, always have something to say about what you’re doing. There’s a common quote that is used that people will always have 100% of an opinion, about the 1% of life they know. So even if you show them just 1%, they’ll have something to say about it. And I love to show if you if you do follow me on Instagram, you’ll know that I’m in an ongoing, one sided, she doesn’t know about it, but I certainly do, beef with a certain major broadcaster, I guess I’ll call her, you know, our name starts with an O ends with a PRAH. And she may not know about me at all, you know, but I know about her. And we kind of go back and forth on the internet with me mostly going there and her never coming back.

Anyways, long story short, if you follow me on Instagram, you’ll see that I kind of detail, you know, this little sort of pretend thing we have going back and forth. But I also detail people’s responses to it. And part of why I share that is so that you can see what I’m talking about. Here it is something that is clearly in fun, clearly in jest, clearly satire, 99% of the people who watch this are having a good old time with me, you know, laughing about this fun internet joke that I’ve been going for, like five years now. And literally 1% of people will always say like, you’re a horrible person for doing this, what’s wrong with you, you’re obsessed with her. This is like people just say the craziest things from their perspective.

So I say all of this to let you know that if you are going to modify your life, based on people who have commentary about it, then you’re not going to live a life that’s worth living, you’re going to live a life that they want you to have. And you just have to remember that there’s always going to be people who have an opinion around what you’re doing. And those people have an opinion likely, are spending a huge percentage of their time watching what you’re doing, while you’re spending a huge percentage of your time doing. And that is special, you know, that is special. And it’s something to keep in mind. I know that I’m excited about where I am. And in the season I’m in and I’m excited. I’m not kidding, friends, I am so excited to tell you about the day. And I’m claiming in advance that, you know, I’m bringing new life into this world, I know it’s going to happen. And I’m excited to be able to share that with you when that day comes. I’m excited to share the day that I’m able to say on my wife again, you know, and I’m excited to share with you about you know, all the different ways you know that God has been redemptive in my life and returned tenfold everything that had been lost or misplaced or misused or abused.

And I know that day will come and as a matter of fact, you know, when you grab my book this fall in 2023, from Simon and Schuster to being published under the Simon element brand. And I’ll have so many more details, the title, the cover, all that stuff is coming out in the next coming weeks. And it’ll be available for pre-order for you all to be able to get into your hands. But when you grab this book, you are already going to see all the different ways that God has been present in my life, that things have worked out and really just miraculous ways that you know, the choices you make today will absolutely dictate your tomorrow both in a positive and in a negative way. I think you’re gonna have more context around why I am the mother that I am and why I care so much about my babies and why I chose to bring them into my home the way I did, based on some of the choices I had made in my early 20s.

And just the deep regret I had around some of those things, even if I knew they were right and why I needed so much quiet time, you know, over a year before I was ready to open my heart back up to love and why I’m so dang excited about love because boy did I not know it for the longest time and I talk about all that in my book. I even talk about how, in my book, I started writing it part way through my divorce because I started my book before my divorce journey. And part way through I actually scrapped half of my book and started over because I needed to be even more transparent, even more candid with everything I learned post healing process, and it’s made for an incredible book, it keeps being described as un-put-down-able, you know, which is really meaningful. So I’m excited, I’m excited about the book, because I think it’s going to add even more clarity and be a great tool for you to be able to say, you know, I can live boldly without compromising myself, but I also can have a story that’s worth sharing, and can make a difference. And, and I can live my life with grace, you know, you guys know how much I talk about that. When you’re sharing publicly, you know, sometimes we worry that others won’t have grace for us but we gotta show grace to ourselves to you know, if we’re learning and we look back on, you know, our old wedding Pinterest boards of 2008 and we’re like, Why did I want a pop of color and everything? And you looked at today, and you’re like, what was I thinking or whatever, you know, I mean, it’s just give yourself grace for who you were in that season. And I think that, you know, when I share what I do share, and you know, some people are probably sick of me just sick of me, just tired of Nicole Walters, you know, and it’s okay, because I’m just giving myself grace to live this season, as out loud as possible, while also being really excited about some of the things I get to hold privately and just really deeply enjoy with my girls, and with our family for now, until we decide to share it with everyone and then when we do share we get to be in in the moment again with you.

So all that being said, I cannot wait to share even more news with you very soon. But you can keep up with the journey online on Instagram at NicoleWalters, where I’m sharing everything I can and everything I’m learning to help you where you are, to get where you want to be. Thanks, friend.

Nicole:

Hey, everyone, I am so excited because we are doing a chat and you know how I am, I don’t just bring anyone on. I don’t just talk to anyone. And I’m so excited because her podcast is dynamic. It is funny. It is interesting. And it’s a podcast that I actually give to my girls to listen to. Because I’m like, I want you to hear what it sounds like to one, build something incredible. Stay true to you, keep showing up. But also learn as you go. And that’s why I have Kenzie Elizabeth here from the I love you so much podcast. And she’s here today to talk to us about all amazing things with building a business yourself. You know, she’s 25. And she’s done so much already. And also trying to balance that with like life and family and goals and perspectives and dating. And I know that I’ve got, you know, lots of youngins in my 20s who are listening. And I also have several of us who are trying to literally do a lot of what Kenzie is already doing. So I’m thrilled that she’s here. Kenzie, thank you so much for coming on the podcast.

Kenzie:

Thanks for having me. That was so nice. All I heard was that you thought I was funny and I love it here!

Nicole:

No, it’s true. Because it takes a lot to be a great interviewer. You know, there’s so many people who do podcasts and you’re just kind of like, that was kind of dry, you know? Or like ever, the conversation wasn’t as dynamic and you do such a good job kind of keeping it exciting and fun and like bringing out the best in people you chat with. So thank you.

Kenzie:

Yeah, I came out of the womb like I didn’t shut up. I was just talking. You know what I mean? So I think it was like a very natural endeavor.

Nicole:

Sure, sure. And it’s funny because I think that growing up, it’s always like God, she just talks all the time and like, will go look at us now. Right? You don’t get us now.

Kenzie:

Actually weird. I say that. And then I was actually held back in preschool because I was shy. Anyone I tell that to..

Nicole:

Nobody believes you?

Kenzie:

No. And then I was quickly voted social butterfly in the school. Like it core there was some shift. But I was actually shy when I was younger, which is I’m the least I’m the most open person. Shy, very outgoing and loud. You know?

Nicole:

Maybe you were just taking it in. You were just like, okay, where exactly am I going to shine?

Kenzie:

I was busy reading books, and I didn’t have any interest in the little kid.

Nicole:

Not everybody gets it.

Kenzie:

It was just me and Junie B Jones.

Nicole:

So hey, just as a quick intro, right, so I mean, you literally are doing all the things on social so you’re on YouTube, you’re on Instagram, you obviously have your incredible podcast. So tell us a little bit more about that. Why did you start YouTube really because that was kind of like your your first starting off point.

Kenzie:

So I started YouTube when I was 16. In middle school, I was going through just a hard time I have a great family. I love them a lot. But…

Nicole:

It’s a big family though. Huge family, personalities.

Kenzie:

Lots of personalities, divorce, remarried, like just it was very tumultuous. I grew up in a very, like emotionally explosive household. And so I started watching YouTube as it was a kind of like my safe place.

Nicole:

Yeah, it was an outlet.

Kenzie:

And I really liked YouTube. And I was like, Man, I would like love to start a channel start in like seventh grade or, and I did it because I was like, what people will think I’m weird. And then I woke up and I’m like, I’ve never once cared about people think like, what am I it was just weird. I was like, why am I doing whatever. So I started a channel when I was 16. People actually nice to me about it, too. So that was plus.Nicole:

Which is a super plus also, being that age like people can be crazy.

Kenzie:

I had so many friends at that time who ended up being homeschooled. Because like who lived in different states. They had bad experience. Yeah. But again, I think it comes to the fact that I didn’t shut up and I had I was always a floater. So I had a friend and every friend group. Sure. So like I don’t think people could have been mean to me, because like I was friends with one of their friends.

Nicole:

Oh, you know, of course.

Kenzie:

So I really spread myself thing.

Nicole:

That says a lot about your personality, too. It’s just kind of like I’m open minded. I’m like trying to meet people like I care, you know, and I think that all of that’s really reflected in your youtube content. Because here’s where I think it’s so different. So, I mean, there are lots of influencers out there. There are lots of people who are creating content every day, but your content always is about giving. There’s a lesson, there’s feedback, there’s something about how they’re going to love this for their life or if they’re running to this issue, or, Hey, this may be what I’m doing every day. But this is what I’ve kind of learned within that. Tell me a little bit about that. Was that organic for you? Or? I mean, because not everyone’s like that people think it’s just like showing off their life. You know what I mean?

Kenzie:

No, I think it was organic, because you saying that I wouldn’t even describe my content that way. Like, I wouldn’t be like, I think especially the podcast, the one thing about me is that I really do care about being authentic. And if I’m going through something, it’s very hard for me to show up online and if I’m not able to talk about it, then I feel like I’m being fake. But also, I’m just being like, emotionally healthy and mature.

Nicole:

You know, for anyone listening, you’re entitled to keep stuff to yourself, you don’t get asked to share it, you know, at least not until you have a clarity around it. You know what I mean? It’s not for you real time.

Kenzie:

Yeah, my friend Lauren, I don’t. I’m gonna butcher this, but always says, like, I’m not going to share until it’s something along the lines of like, it’s going to give someone value I don’t. In the meantime, it’s not helping me or helping them, you know. So, with that being said, I typically talk about things either during or after, and I, I’ve, so much of my audience has grown up with me. So that’s been really helpful. And I get so many DMs and messages and like feedback on the podcast, or just comments or questions, or girls be like, I’m going through this. So I kind of know what my audience needs and wants so it’s really helpful. It’s almost like free market research.

Nicole:

And maybe that’s why you don’t realize it because all your content is kind of painted from our perspective of I know who’s watching this. And so let me tell and show them what I know. They may be wondering in their mind as they’re watching, so maybe that’s why you don’t realize like, because you’re not like ending everyone like Mr. Rogers style. And today’s lesson is such a such a it’s not like that, but it’s very like, oh, my gosh, you probably want to know that this has pockets, you probably want to know, because this has this or, you know, when I was going through this, I felt like this, but this is what I found, you know, and I think that that is honestly, it’s like how people are learning now you know what I mean? Like, I think that there’s, it’s so easy to be like, oh, yeah, I just follow these motivational things. But how did it feel so good to see someone going through it? It’s like, so brave of you.

Kenzie:

I really think you I really feel like everyone is like my friend. I meet girls out and about all the time. And I would be friends with all of them. Right? So a lot of is like I think about the conversations I’m having in my own relationships, too. I bring a lot of my like friends who are providing a more traditional career background, aka they’re like normal and not influencers or like sharing every moment.

Nicole:

They have days off

Kenzie:

I’m the weird one right now. Right? And so that’s like really helpful.

Nicole:

Well, let’s talk about what that dynamic is like, in your family and with your friends. So obviously, we both have unconventional jobs. But they’re definitely jobs, right. And at some point in time it went from I’m 16 and this is an outlet, and I’m sharing to oh, you know, not just like making money. But this is I’m not going to follow a conventional path because I’ve already found the thing I’m doing right now. So how did your friends respond to that? And how did your family respond to that?

Kenzie:

My dad like thinks I could run for president. Oh, my dad immediately and he’s also like a businessman. He reminds me a lot of Ed Mylett like they’re very similar.

Nicole:

Okay, so he gets it so he gets like literally twice so excited because like he knows you’ve got the Mojo. This is like the thing.

Kenzie:

And my mom also growing up owned like a bedding and draperies company. It was like at one point in your blog. I did that for a couple of years. Like she was also a stay at home mom. And then she also worked in real estate. Like, she did a bunch of different things. My dad is definitely the one who my mom was, my mom was able to naturally enjoy life a lot more. I think that like my dad and I.

Nicole:

You guys are workers. Yeah, yeah. Right. Right. So she’s like, I do things to support my life.

Kenzie:

Yes, exactly. She has, I think, a healthier relationship with it. But I don’t know, I don’t think they ever I don’t know if they ever expected me to follow a normal career path. It was just kind of a thing. Like when I started YouTube, it was at a time where I thought I was gonna make $5 if I made any money at all, I will still be doing everything that I do for free because I love it so much.

Nicole:

But that’s how it works.

Kenzie:

That’s how it works. But I also had some sort of vision for like, this is going to be something even though it wasn’t ever a thing. But really back then there were people like way bigger at the time, but there were you just didn’t know people only recently realized they didn’t know it.

Nicole:

And also people were so there was so much mystery around how do you actually make this an income? And I remember that it was literally like because I mean, both of us I got on at the same time as you like I’ve been doing this for about 12-15ish years. But I obviously was older than you but same sort of thing where it was like people just didn’t understand how you’re making your money. They were like, Oh, well we know we need to create content we know it needs to be consistent. We know people need to like it. We don’t really know how that translates to dollars outside of like agencies and like people but now it’s like make your own products like partnerships, collaborate, like there’s all these things you know, so I love that you still have that intention in your mind. I think for anyone listening like understand that you’ve heard me say time and time again, whatever you’re starting in this you know season of your life intentionality is going to be critical if you’re not doing things with some degree of I would like this outcome, you’re not going to get the results you want. So let’s talk a little bit about that healthy balance, because it’s something I talk about too, is I’m a workaholic. And I don’t say that with pride, you know, because it’s something I’m trying to reform, you know, how are you seeing that manifests? Because, you know, let’s just dispel the rumor, being an influencer doesn’t mean I just sit at home and take pictures of my food. Yeah. So what’s that looking like for you?

Kenzie:

So I’ve struggled a lot with hustle culture. And I’ve talked about this a lot on my own show. So anyone who’s listening for me, I’m sorry, like, it’s like my go to thing.

Nicole:

But it’s important to me, like important. People don’t understand, like, I’m talking about it at 38. You’re talking about it at 25. This is a problem. You know, they mean, like, it should not be that I’m still saying the same energy years later. You know what I mean? So, so Yeah, talk about how is it manifesting in your life?

Kenzie:

So I would say when I was when I was like, 17, I moved to LA when I was 17. My channel was doing well, I was making enough, but I wasn’t making good money. And I mean, for 17 year old Yes. But I wasn’t like balling by any means, you know?

Nicole:

People here influencer and they think ferraris, and, you know, so like, living in the hills, like, it’s not all that.

Kenzie:

Yeah this was pre pre pre pre even vine days. Well, maybe vine was the thing, but tick tock wasn’t a thing. Right? Right. Very, very, very different

Nicole:

Like minimal ways to make money.

Kenzie:

Yeah and you have to like, really, really, really try to gain a following. It’s just a very different world. So I struggle with hustle culture, growing up more so it was never, I think I had a hard time differentiating, like, who I am versus what I do. And the fact that like, I am my own person, and I also do this and like not getting those confused and so my hustle culture where that came in. It wasn’t ever like, I think I found a lot of identity and work. But weirdly, it wasn’t ever the number of followers literally ever. It was never like my popularity on the internet. It was by how hard I was working.

Nicole:

Like in my how many hours you were putting?

Kenzie:

Yes. Which it wasn’t even like working smart. It was. I would guilt I was actually I was, I still struggle with this. I was in the car with a friend this morning at 8am talking about this with her because she’s the same way. And I’m like, I’ve only like recently getting to the point where I’m allowing myself to work less hours and realizing like, you can’t hold on so tightly to everything. And like, actually, there is such a thing as like, if you’re working something to death, like it’s not helpful for the business.

Nicole:

So when you say work less hours, you’d be like, Oh my gosh, I haven’t edited like 15 videos. So I haven’t done anything today. But like realistically, like, you probably wouldn’t even because we all have forever to do list. You know what I mean? Like, if we’re lucky enough to knock off 10 things, 10 more things are gonna take its place. So it’s like because if you are an entrepreneur, or a mom, or somebody who just has that type of life, where you’re a go getter, you’re always going to have more stuff on your list, like an empty To Do List honestly would be like a nightmare to me. So knowing that, is that what you mean? Like it was just sort of I wasn’t measuring it in completion or success. I was measuring it in just honestly, like how often I was on the grind versus enjoying my success.

Kenzie:

Yes, definitely.

Nicole:

Wow and how’d you like start noticing that? Were you like getting sick? Were you missing fun things with friends? What was happening?

Kenzie:

So I definitely would say I didn’t even have a social life for years, because I was so I mean, I did, but not the life that I would want. It wasn’t a priority at all.

Nicole:

Were you thinking about it in relation to work?

Kenzie:

I just need to work I need to do this, or and it depends on like, whatever. I’ve lived like 15 different life phases since 3725. Or so it really just depends on the time period of my life. But like, I also just had different priorities at different times. And it did. It was helpful in certain ways. But I’ve had anxiety my entire life. So it’s like my anxiety would get really bad.

Nicole:

And then the solution was more work?

Kenzie:

Yes. Which at the same time, that increased the anxiety. Yes. It was a never ending cycle.

Nicole:

Yes, No, I totally get it. It’s funny because I have struggled with the same thing. And it’s defining this validation, like, Oh, this is my thing. This is my identity, this is what I do. And this is my value to others. So like, I got married at 22. And so I was like, already, you know, so young, but feeling like this is how people see me and how I’m best helpful to them. So I need to work because if not, I’m not like honoring that relationship. And I’m not showing up the way I need to show up. And it wasn’t until I think I came to some of the realizations that you’re, you know, coming to but also like practicing, you know, where I was like, I’m tired, you know what I mean? Like, what is the point of the work and the money if I’m not living, you know, and then also relationships. So like, you come from a really big family and you know, texting culture is very, like family oriented, very social, all of that. I mean, what was like missing out on some of those things in exchange to create content, you know, I mean, it’s a hard thing to explain.

Kenzie:

So when I moved I also had a lot of family things going on. So I actually think missing out on family things and having space was incredibly helpful.

Nicole:

Do you feel like you could finally shape your own identity, I mean, because also being in a really big family, sometimes you can feel like you get lost in the mix. So what was the most beneficial thing you think then for that separation?

Kenzie:

So I’m the oldest child, so I never had I lost my identity. I noticed, like my biological siblings, for sure. So I don’t feel like I lost my identity, it was more so I needed to get away to like, heal and be on my own. And now I’m able to where it really did, I would say, as far as missing out on my niece’s seven starting at like, really soon, maybe I’m very, very close with her and and I’m very involved in her life. And so as she was getting older, I would always fly in for the birthdays and fly in for stuff. But as she was getting old enough to realize that I was flying in and not just like in town that started to make me even I think about like, I just I literally will not move because I will not not be in her life. Like I’ve just so and so involved in her life. So amazing. So I see it now more so but at the time, it was helpful. What I will say about friends is that I was definitely a lot less engaged. And like I the thing, that my favorite thing about myself.

Nicole:

Were you the silent one in the group chat like I’m in there, I’m reading everything, but I’m never responding. And I’m not really like, involved?

Kenzie:

Yes. And it’s weird, because I’m also always the planner and the coordinator. I think people also my friends just like had an understanding, like she’s just busy. Like we also they were going to college. So that was helpful. So we all had our online or, but even my friends in LA, I remember getting to the point where like, you know, when people are talking and just conversations, like, What’s one word that you would describe each other with, and everyone would always talk about, the first thing that would come to mind would be like, driven, work ethic, hard worker, and I was like, that is not the first thing I want my friends to describe me as.

Nicole:

Yes. I’m like graceful, kind, generous, you know…

Kenzie:

A good friend!

Nicole:

Like these more personality traits. And what’s crazy is we’re doing the things that they end up saying are the definition of who we are, thinking that it makes us look the other way without realizing like no, the person who they see as being like graceful and a good friend is the person that’s actually present. Yeah, but you know, I’m not always present because I’m working. So no, so smart. So let’s talk about what that means in your personal life then, with your goals, like are you dating, are you able to date like, I mean, so many of us, I think, like I said, I was married by 22. We spend our early years feeling like, Oh, we got to hit these marks, you know, like, gotta get married, gotta get a place. Gotta get pregnant, gotta whatever, like that was the traditional perspective. But you’ve kind of taken a different approach. So tell me a little bit more of that, because you talk about a lot on the podcast.

Kenzie:

Yeah, I was up until about a year and a half ago, two years ago, I was pretty much always dating like I was either. I had like long term boyfriends or there was like someone around or I think also a lot of the relationship because I was so busy at that time. Like my, I think what my college relationship, a lot of it was just convenience, because I was always working and there was someone who just like, sit next to me while I was working.

Nicole:

Sure. Just companionship.

Kenzie:

Exactly. So I was always dating. And then I will say like, it is difficult. It’s a little bit of like an interesting experience to date when you are like a younger woman who’s making money, who’s successful, who’s definitely making more money than them.

Nicole:

Still an interesting experience when you get older, girl.

Kenzie:

I was like, I feel like it’s always gonna be that way.

Nicole:

It is, like one of the things my therapist told me was like, Look, you need to accept right now that you’ll likely always be the breadwinner. So you need to like figure out and set your boundaries around that now, because that’s what it’s going to be.

So like, what does that mean, in the future? So and it’s kind of a weird thing to acknowledge, like, Well, no, like, I still want to be like, okay, for it, I still want to, like have some of these, like, at least for me, these traditional roles, you know, in a perspective, but I learned very quickly that you can still have all of that, you know, because money is just like a tool to help you get things it doesn’t have to be the main thing in the room. You know what I mean? Yeah, but yeah, so like for you, you’re always kind of dating, but you were having people? Have you felt like you’ve been able to have meaningful relationships while being a workaholic? Or, you know, or have you had to reform one to kind of get the other what does it look like?

Kenzie:

Yes, but I think I lost out on friendships at the time, because like something had to get but it wasn’t even that I lost out on friendships. I just actually didn’t really have the friendships that I wanted my, some of them is that yeah, like, I had my like two best riding dogs from college. And I always had that with but like, and I’m talking about my life in LA, I think I started like dating someone. And we were together for a while and I lost someone, I lost things because like, I just didn’t have the friendships, the depth that I wanted.

Nicole:

And you didn’t have the capacity, right, like, and even nurture thing. So I think that’s something we also like, kind of, I don’t know, we minimize that. It’s not just about maintaining those friendships. It’s also like the capacity to nurture the ones like I’ve gotten new friends coming in and out of my life now that I’m like, oh my god, I’d really love to like explore this, but just the season I’m in right now. Like, there’s only so much I have to give and what’s great is for some of those friendships, they are more than willing to adapt. You know what I mean? They’re like we understand but then if they’re not, it’s like I don’t have anything left to give. So it just is what it is. Do you look back and have any regrets about that?

Kenzie:

I do in the sense of I was nurturing the wrong friendships.

Nicole:

Oh, tell me more about that.

Kenzie:

So like my two three best friends from college. That was never One issue that was our problem, we get it, they get Asian. Yeah, yeah. And it was fine. I just, I didn’t I had friendships that I thought I really loved. And I thought were really good. And as time has gone on, maybe it wasn’t the right fit. I think I was in a friendship more specifically where like…

Nicole:

Right now you’re talking about something really specific comes to mind.

Kenzie:

Nothing I did was ever okay. And this was this was this person with every friend that they’d ever had. And they told me all these stories and you know me the idiot thinking like well it’s not going to be me.

Nicole:

Yeah and you’re generous, open minded, obviously.

Kenzie:

Like when it’s the same thing in dating, and when you see all the red flags, but you just keep going. And I really, really loved this friend. And this friend was so fun. And we had so much…

Nicole:

When it was good it was really good, but when I was really bad, really bad.

Kenzie:

Yeah. And so I felt, even for a couple of like a year or two after I was still putting in the effort. And it was like weird. And finally, just more stuff happened. I’m like, I just can’t do this anymore. Like nothing I ever do will be enough.

Nicole:

Did you do a formal friend breakup?

Kenzie:

No, because…

Nicole:

Or did you just let it fall off?

Kenzie:

So it had fallen off already. And then we’d go back and then a fallen off. And I would if you like try to have calm or it was more of a friendship where like, if you try to have a conversation, they’d be like, No, there’s no problem. Like, I think maybe this person was you’re afraid of conflict or something, which I get, obviously.

Nicole:

Yeah, but you’re obviously not like, I’m not like that either. I’m like, let’s just talk about it. So yeah, obviously, there’s a vibe. So let’s clear it up. You know?

Kenzie:

I feel like I could just never get to like, what it was like, sure this person just like wouldn’t say anything. And I look back now and I think the environment that were in, there’s a lot of people who are just like, not very happy anyways.

Nicole:

And there’s nothing you can do about that, you know what I mean? But it’s so good, you’re able to identify it. It’s funny, because, you know, coming in, I was talking to my boyfriend about, you know, you know, having her on the podcast. And I was like, she’s younger than me. But she’s so smart. She’s doing so much. One of the things he said he was like, you know, you can learn from anyone I was like, That’s so true. And I think one of the big takeaways that I’m getting from this because I’m in LA. I just moved here two years ago, which you know, I have my friend group, but you always need local friends. You know what I mean? Like, there’s just no getting around it.

You need to have people who like and grab brunch and just like talk to yourself, and I’m making friends. But you know, listening to your intuition is always so important. And it sounds like you you really felt that you were like this is not adding up. Have you always been a person who it’s because that’s like one of my goals this year. I was talking to my team about it. I was like, look like two things, we’re not going to do one, we’re not going to kill ourselves behind this job, right? So the workaholic piece, some stuff that’s not going to get done is just gonna have to wait till tomorrow. Or if we can’t do it, we’re letting it go. And like we’re just gonna have to trust that it’s the God that is going to come back, if it’s important. We’re just not going to stress yourself out.

And then the second part is, if it doesn’t feel right, we’re not doing it. Like I don’t I can’t always explain why it doesn’t, you know, but that’s part of I think what makes people like us different is that we’re really good at being like, well, I want to try this thing and I’m gonna give it a shot.

Have you always been like that? Just kind of this seems like a good move. This seems like good content, or this friends gotta go or this guy isn’t right. Like, have you always or do you develop that like?

Kenzie:

Workwise? I’ve always been like that. Okay. relationally No. Oh, wow. And I think more so in friendships it was when I have the best friends. I’ve the friendships I’ve wanted for so long now.

Nicole:

Oh, that’s really amazing.

Kenzie:

So when I was in Texas, and a lot of them I did grow up with them, but like getting closer again.

Nicole:

And going through stuff like as an adult, it’s a big like nurturer.

Kenzie:

Yes. And I remember realizing, like being realizing how happy I was and there’s so much of it has to do with the like, keep like, codependent thing. No, not at all, but just like having the right people around.

Nicole:

You have friends around you that absolutely call you out. Oh, yeah. Tell you Oh my god. Yes. Good friend. Hey, this is not okay.

Kenzie:

Yeah. And the friendship just felt very freeing. And like, I could do anything, and I could just tell them anything. And there weren’t problems all the time. And that was when I started to realize looking back at how many of a lot of my friendships just like, especially in the world we were in things, are so complex, like it was everything was so complicated. Like yeah, such a big deal and it didn’t matter. And so I think as I got older, I started to look back and be like, that’s not what a good friend is. And that’s not a good friendship on my end as well. So it was more so a thing I developed as far as relationally but work wise I think it’s more natural.

Nicole:

Yeah, that’s so interesting. Yeah, we for me work it was never an issue and actually I’ve always felt kind of like crazy because this is the point of therapy but like gosh, like work it’s so easy to like make the call go for it just get it done, you know, but like relationship wise I’m like well maybe they didn’t mean that it shouldn’t be like this or maybe I’m just being too tough but when we don’t give him the business hat I should be giving him the friend had like that sort of energy so oh my gosh, like so good because it’s really just affirming like this conversation confirmed a lot of things I was already thinking now, in terms of what’s next for you so you are you have like product sponsorships that you do I think you have a couple of products of your own right?

Kenzie:

You so I started my own brand recently and that we started as clothing we’re gonna lean more into accessories because that’s what we love. And that’s what’s working Hey, um, so yes, I do have a brand.

Nicole:

Yeah. Tell me about it, you have a bag you carry right?

Kenzie:

One of my really good friends from college Jessica we intern together and so we and we were always the ones who were put together because she’s good at what I’m not gonna I’m gonna what she’s not good at so good. So we always talked about like doing something together and I’m not. I wouldn’t really work with any other friend, ever.

Nicole:

So I mean, listen, everyone, so many people get partners to do business ventures because they’re scared to do it by themselves and not because that person actually brings a skill set that you don’t have. So I love hearing that. That’s like your approach to it, because that’s how it actually works.

Kenzie:

Yeah. And she’s very administrative and detail oriented. And I’m big picture. I have all the relationships. So we had been talking about it, and then it just kind of ended up finally happening. And we launched in April of 2022.

Nicole:

Where are we right now? And and so what do you have? Like I know you said it was accessories you guys are doing bags for awhile. Tell me more about like the range so we can all check it out. Obviously, I’m gonna get stuff.

Kenzie:

So we have cellulite poplin sets. We have scarves and beanies, which is you know, it’s getting smarter. Yeah. And then the puff bag is definitely like our most like, most popular and we have a lot of other like bag accessory things that are coming out.

Nicole:

I just love it. I love it. And so between that I also know that you go on tour sometimes right like with a podcast and just like people having opportunities to see you. Is that coming up? Is anything coming up soon?

Kenzie:

Yeah, I have a Chicago and Nashville show soon. Both of those. I know I love the most like I love having a brand but like I am a host.

Nicole:

Yeah. You’re a people person, love to engage.

Kenzie:

Yes, I love hosting like I would love to do I love country music. So I’d love to be like more hosting in the country world. So I do love doing live shows. That’s like my favorite thing out of anything career related that I’ve done. So we are doing more, I want to do one in LA too, like I just I want to do one anywhere.

Nicole:

It’s so funny because I think one of the things I’m hoping people hear is that you found kind of what you want to do and how you want to show up. But so much of it has been driven by you being willing to do what you would do for free but not doing it for free. Yeah, because that’s how it ends up being a business. But really, and truly you’re like, No, I love to host so I did it. I started creating the content that I wanted to create. And people tapped into it, like I answer questions, but it’s based on what I really genuinely want to answer, not based on what I think I should do. And that’s just so powerful. Like it’s so exciting because, you know, as an adoptive mom and I have a 24 year old and a 21 year old. Like, I just hope that they hear this and see this they listen to my podcast, and sometimes they’re like, we don’t want to hear your voice.

Kenzie:

That’s actually huge that they listen to Oh my God.

Nicole:

Because usually they’re like, We know you we can call you like why do you want to hear you in our background? But you know, I’m gonna make them listen to this one for sure. Because like I’ve been telling them like you don’t understand like Kenzie Elizabeth is out here. And she’s doing incredible things. So I’m just so grateful you took the time out to like, chat with me today. And then like hopefully everyone who hears all the overlaps, you know in our life and just follows you and listens and supports because you just have so much to offer. And clearly it’s just the beginning.

Kenzie:

Thank you. I loved coming on. It was so fun.

Nicole:

Oh, thanks for being here. You’re amazing.

Nicole:

Hey, friends. So as you know, we’ve been covering a lot of ground this season and we’ve been talking about the various things that have happened during the journey and learning in the journey. And if you’re keeping up with me on Instagram, at Nicole Walters, you know that I share there my daily highs and lows.

And this past week, I shared that I had probably one of my toughest days that I’ve had during the divorce and moving and transition process. And I gotta tell you, it was rough. And I wanted to reach out because, you know, we talked about how in the new year, time is a social construct, right? So just because we have changed the clocks and changed the calendars, doesn’t suddenly mean that everything feels fresh and feels new. And I’m renewed, and I have all this energy, you know, everything that existed in 2022, could very well have carried with us into 2023.

And it’s why it’s so essential that we actually employ and use and engage in our best tools and habits in order to be successful. But that said, I just wanted to let you know that it is okay, if you’ve been having a tough go of it. And when I tell you I have so much joy and I’m grateful for where I am in this season. And I’ve mentioned before that grief and joy can coexist and the way that I talk about my divorce now and where I am, thanks to, you know, therapy and being loved well and amazing children and great friends, is that it’s not a it’s not something that feels like it happened to me so much of something that happened for me. And it is definitely a situation of grief and grief, meaning that I’m mourning something that at least the vision of what I thought it was, and I’m mourning letting go of what I thought life was, you know, and what it will never be, you know, it’s just gone.

And that’s a lot of what I’ve been talking about is that grief process. And that means that I wake up some days, and I’m sad, you know, I’m just sad. And I wouldn’t make it akin to a deep depression, I think, you know, I experienced some of those types of emotions early on, when sort of that shock kind of hit me around what was happening, but it’s just a sadness of where I am because, you know, divorce it just gonna keep it all the way real like I always do with y’all like it decimates so much in your life. I mean, you can be worth $100 billion and lose 50% of your net worth, you know, speaking on the Jeff Bezos side, you know, the cost of support two households when you are the sole breadwinner, and the sole working earner, you know, is just astronomical. And I think yesterday, one of the things that really hit me, you know, that I was kind of sharing on Instagram in my stories was that I work harder than I did. And I’m trying not to get emotional about it, because it’s kind of bringing up some of those triggers, you know, but I feel like I work so much harder than I been in the past couple years, and one of my goals in sort of building my business and, you know, spending well and saving well, and investing well, and buying the right properties and doing all these things independently and, you know, coming up with great business ideas and helping other people and serving, all of that was the intent to continue to live incredibly debt free, you know, and build up a huge savings and basically get to the place where, in my head at least, and we talked about this in last week’s episode about having more babies where I was like, Okay, I’ve checked all the boxes, and now I can have babies, you know, now I can build my family because, you know, the house is completely paid off. And, you know, if I can’t work, that’s okay, you know, because it’ll be covered.

And I really learned that, you know, there really is something to be said for if you’re in the right partnership, if you feel like you have to create and save and make so much money because you can’t rely on anyone else, you know, to support you in that process. And it says a lot about you know, sort of your personal sense of self worth if you feel like that’s acceptable. And you know, we and right now you know I’m in a partnership where my partner doesn’t make anywhere near you know, what I make, makes great money, but you know, just considering what I do and my income, he just doesn’t make the same. But oh, man, do I feel beyond supported and I know that should anything ever happen to me or you know, my child or I’m ever in a position where I’m not able to work, he will pick up that mantle and care for us in the best way. He knows how without question. I mean, it’s just such an ease that comes with the fact that even though, you know, have to work really hard.

I know that if anything happened, I’d be fine. And, and so with all three of our girls, he fully and completely and currently cares for all three of my girls, you know, and, you know, supports them and buys them gifts and, you know, is, you know, present in their lives. And it’s just such a blessing, you know, to recognize that I’m currently living a life that has every single thing I have ever wanted in it more than I even knew I wanted and more than I even knew I needed. I mean, every single mark is hit, I am living a life that is beyond my wildest dreams. And in a way that is almost humbling, because it doesn’t encompass half the things I had before.

It’s not about titles, fame, you know, all those things, which I’m blessed, you know, like, I still am always me, and I always have the means to work and to make money and to, you know, have those things because I’ve worked really hard, I’ve earned them. But it’s just crazy, because it’s just, it looks so different. And even though I’m in one of the absolute happiest seasons of my life, the grief that will just hit me in my gut. It’s wild, and anyone who’s ever lost like a parent, even if you had a complicated relationship with them, or if you’ve lost, you know, a job that you thought you would have, or you’ve had to make really tough calls in difficult seasons that have resulted in loss, even though you’re grateful, you know what I’m talking about when you wake up, and you’re just like, Dang, this is sad.

And that’s where I am now, you know, being in a place where I’ve worked so hard, but now I am still making choices that I should not have to make, considering how many sheer hours of effort I have put into building the life that I have and the life that others enjoy. It just makes me sad. And so I share this, let you know that you know a lot of people who are in complicated relationships or trying to determine if they need to stay in them. I know a lot of you have been in my DMs and asking and listening along in this season, because you’re wondering, you know, if you’re gonna make it. I remember when I was first seeing this season sort of coming in my life, I was following a couple of, you know, my actually good friends, you know, but popular influencers on social and watching them go through this as well and kind of wondering what’s going to happen to me.

So I say this, you know, just kind of, for those of you who are listening, I see you, you know, if you’re in that boat, and I do want you to know, I’m trying to be as honest about it as possible, so that you know, what it’s like and what to expect and more than anything to give you as much hope as possible to let you know that it is hard. But the hard is temporary and it is difficult and it is challenging, but there can be joy within the challenge. And the longer that you are showing up every day to doing what you need to do. It’s almost empowering. I’m as hard as it is to work all the time and as tired as I am, I’m grateful that I’m a worker, you know, I’m grateful that I am a person who gets up with intention and purpose and is not cloudy or confused about who I am and how I want to show up and how I serve and that is loved well and is surrounded. I am so intensely surrounded by love through my friends and my family and myself, you know, I look in the mirror and I see someone I love and that is really, really beautiful, like sources of negativity are not in my life. I am surrounded by good people.

And I hope that you can say that for yourself now or if you decide to take this process, you know that you get there. But all those hard days, and here’s the thing that I think, you know, I’m learning to do more, you may have to ask for help. And I think that all of us, especially when we are moms, wives, sisters, you know, daughters, just juggling lots of things, have an inclination to kind of say, I’m just busy and I gotta get to the next thing, or who is going to help me or this is one of my favorites that I’m used to and I hear all the time from my clients. I don’t have the time to explain to someone how to help me and to make sure they don’t mess it up or clean up their mistakes, which is better if I do it myself. Right? And I know some of y’all are nodding your head or saying Nicole get about my face, you know, like get out of my head, you know it and I want you to know that raising my hand, I was in the same boat.

And I can also tell you that this is actually one of the biggest contributing factors that I know I brought to the demise of my marriage. And it’s not that I didn’t ask for help, I asked for help in many different ways. I asked for help constantly, you know, I regularly expressed the difficulties of carrying the financial burden and the difficulties of a building, you know, a business and the stress of it all in the desires of my heart, I am a very, if you have noticed a vocal person who’s very shares openly, the thing that I did wrong was I asked the wrong person, because that question was asked and answered many, many times, you know, and through verbal and through action, and I think that that’s something that I want to encourage you to know is that a lot of us have a hesitancy to ask for help. But we don’t realize that it’s also important to ask the right people and to have the right people in your life that you’re asking.

And when you do that, and your help is received, and your help is affirmed, and you see ease come into your life and grace and peace, it’s then that you understand more how beneficial help is and how much more you can do with the support of others. And that’s where I am now and it’s where I wasn’t before. So letting you know where I was before. I mean, I would work 80 hour work weeks, and, and then I’d come home and I’d work again and cooking all meals, you know, making sure the fridge is full, getting the groceries, you know, I had staff, but they were limited in what they did as well. And, you know, I just felt like I had to do everything, or check all the work and constantly fix mistakes and it was just a lot of stress. And I remember just thinking, gosh, I just need peace, like I just do too many jobs, and I do too much. And I would ask for help but you know, I never thought to ask for help from my friends.

So one thing that I, you know, we’ll probably talk about in a different chat, because I think it’s a dedicated conversation. But, you know, loneliness was something that I really struggled with for many, many years feeling like I was the only person who understood what I was going through, the only person who could get me out of it, if I even knew what to do. Not feeling like I had support in the struggle. And I isolated myself, meaning my life was pretty much just my kids, my ex and my staff really, you know, and, and my business, if it wasn’t related to generating income to support the household or entertaining or supporting my family, I pretty much didn’t do it.

I didn’t really hang out with girlfriends outside of my little girl squad. And even that was kind of a point of contention in my relationship. And, you know, that sort of thing was really, really challenging because I felt lonely a lot. There were a lot of nights I was up, laid on the couch by myself just kind of wondering if this was the life I would have for myself. And, you know, I realized that part of where I was going wrong and asking for help during those tough seasons was that I didn’t have my girlfriends, and I didn’t think to use them. And what’s interesting is there’s a lot of and I’ve talked about surrender in previous episodes this season, but the humility that came with divorce was that if I didn’t ask for help, I would not be here.

And it’s hard to say but when I tell you, I was on the brink so many times, and I had to ask for help for everything. Whether it was something as simple as hey, just check on the kids or look out for the kids or I’m working a double, you know, shift because I gotta pay these bills. And I’m the only one and can you pop in at, you know, my kiddos school? You know, she’s doing a play. And I don’t know if I’m going to make it on time. So can you pop into be sure and you know, just, you know, from friends and just asking for help and what’s humbling about it all was during the process when I needed to ask for help the most, whether it’s with helping me figure out things with the business or it’s simple things like I’m getting divorced, I don’t know what to do, or I need to find a place, I’m in a new city. I’m living here because this is all I know. But I don’t know where else to go.

And, you know, just asking constantly, because I’m reminded how much I don’t know and how much we rely on other people to actually grow and get somewhere. It was all preparing me for this relationship I’m in that I think will build, I hope will build the foundation for my future and my future kids and my future life. And, you know, in this relationship that I cherish so much with this person that’s so incredible to me and my children, boy have I had to humble myself with help. I’ve had to realize that one, I don’t get to dictate necessarily how that help comes. Right? So I have every right to set expectations, especially reasonable ones that are, you know, world or society standard. You know, it’s not unreasonable to expect your partner to earn income. And you know, there’s this concept around retiring your husband that I’ve even championed myself that, you know, you want to make sure you’re really clear on that definition. For me, it was, you know, retiring them to give them the opportunity to live in their purpose as well. You know, but some people think that it’s retiring your husband to do nothing. And if you aren’t clear on that, that’s, you know, could be a point of contention. And you know, what’s great is I have this great partner who, when I asked for help understands what I mean by that, and I’m really blessed, because I don’t often have to elaborate, I can pretty much just say, I need help. And he looks for ways to stand in the gap.

I’m feeling it today, you know, but emotionally, you know, he looks for ways to stand in the gap before I even ask, which is the double blessing, right, but looks for ways to stand in the gap. And he’s just thoughtful that way. When I ask, and then the thing I have to do is, you know, if I’m asking for help, I don’t necessarily get to say, Well, can you put the broccoli away this way, you know, he went to the market, he got the food, he bought it, and he filled the fridge, and he paid for them, okay? So I am not going to complain, I’m just grateful it got done. And it’s one less thing on my plate.

And one of the things that I’m hoping you’ll hear from me is part of not dictating how they do, it also frees you up, to truly enjoy the restoration piece and self care that you may need by handing that thing off, hear me again, part of asking for help, and letting go of how that help is received and performed, is the purpose and allowing yourself to have that self care, that peace, that restoration that you so need and deserve.

And that’s not easy. It’s not easy to do. And, you know, in being able to readily admit that that is not something that I have ever been good at before is that relinquishing of control. It’s so amazing, because I’ve gotten really good at it now. And I went, and I realized that part of it is trust, right, which is not just one person, you know, a lot of people will say in their partnership, like, oh, my gosh, but you know, you control this or you this sort of way. But the truth is, you know, that’s twofold, if you trust someone you can let go and that’s one thing I’ve learned. And I’m hoping that if you’re hearing what I’m saying that, you know, you’re asking yourself, are there factors why I don’t trust enough to let go? Are there factors why I don’t trust enough to ask for help? Are there factors why I won’t, you know, allow myself to receive help, you know, because no matter what you need it.

No matter what you need it, there’s no life that you’re building for yourself, in a partnership that can be carried for two by one, it just doesn’t exist, you have to have that support. Because at some point in time, you know, it’s going to be too much to carry, and you deserve to not bend or break under that way. And as somebody who has absolutely been bent and you know, had some solid fractures and cracks, but did not break, and is still you know, a little bent over on some days, but now is blessed to have someone who’s helping them carry. I can tell you that if you’ve watched my stories on social and some of what I’m sharing on the daily, I’m just very grateful that I’ve asked for help recently, I said, you know, I woke up on that hard day saying I just need help. And he just stayed by my side.

We were going to IKEA, you know, the land of Swedish meatballs, Swedish Fish, and Swedish furniture, you know, and I was like I don’t, I just need help carrying this stuff to put it on a flat pack cart, you know, I just need help with driving there. I just, I can go, I can pick, I can point. But I just do not have the energy to kind of, like, facilitate this. And he’s like, look, I can do that, you know, I can do that. I can be here, it’s for us. I can do it. And, and we did, you know, and then I had, for this very podcast, you know, I had some things I needed to record and episodes. And I was like, I am not going to make it into the studio. I don’t have the energy to, if you know anything about LA driving the freeway as an event itself. I don’t have the energy to battle the freeway look for parking, I just can’t go into the studio today. And he’s like, hey, you know, he’s a musician and a producer and he has his own studio. And so he’s like, just come to the studio, I can record it, we’ll send it in, you know, I’ll take care of it. Just, you know, it’s easier. It’s around the corner, just, you know, come and let me do it for you.

And I was grateful because he was offering suggestions on how to help me which I know some of y’all right now we’re like, see, that’s the difference. You know, it’s true, but also I was letting him and I was receiving those suggestions because make no mistake in my head I was like, I don’t know, I don’t know, you know, but I just said yes, I received it and it was exactly what I needed. And by the end of the night, you know, because as a personal value system and I’m not projecting this on anyone else because sometimes that’s Mama’s just can’t and that is okay. But I try my best to bring my best face to my, my kiddos, you know, especially my little one, the Puffin, who’s 11. No matter what type of day I’m having, by the time pickup rolls around, I really try to make sure I’m not projecting on her, or giving her any energy because she just doesn’t deserve it. And also, she’s a light, she’s deeply easy to love. You know, like, aside from the fact that I love her in general, she is also very easy to love. She’s such an incredible child.

As a matter of fact, anyone who doesn’t love her or see the best in her, I’m always like that aside, it’s kind of like when people say, you can see if a dog doesn’t like someone dogs be knowing, that type of vibe. You know, Puffin is like that, if you don’t love Puffin on first meet, if you don’t love Puffin, you know, after spending time with her or knowing her, something’s wrong with you, because she is a delight. And for that reason, whatever I pick her up, at the end of the day, I just want to be all up in her and I just want to listen to her and just give her all my energy and be you know, interested because she’s, you know, definitely one of the joy points. And you know, parenting her even with the hard stuff is just such a delight.

And the day had come because I had help from my partner, I was able to kind of clean up and I mean, I still got a lot done that day, you know, that was a day where I would have been laid up in bed under the covers, y’all know what I’m talking about, like, you know, even if you’re kind of pulling through and going to work, but it’s like bare minimum, you know, I still took multiple calls, had to client meeting, assess the vendor about my book launch. I went to an Ikea, y’all know, that is a whole endeavor. I walked the warehouse, y’all, you know, I did all these things still, recorded a podcast, because I was still accomplished and then picked up the baby and came home and made dinner, two dinners, because we were having fish that night. And she didn’t want fish and usually like you don’t eat well we having. But I was filling delightful, you know, made two dinners and laughed with her and had a dance party.

And, you know, it was just amazing because I was able to save a little bit of energy for my sweet one. Because I had a partner who was willing to help me with the lift and and I had a partner who was willing to help me with the lift because I’ve done the self love and work to let myself know that I deserve to ask for help and receive it. You all it is a cycle. You want to have the energy to sustain tomorrow, it’s not just about your partner showing up and doing it for you. It’s also about knowing that you’re deserving of that help. And if you’re not getting that help where you are, you need to go find it. Whether it is through your friends, through your family, through a different relationship. You’ve got to find out whether it’s in your career, your marriage, your friendship, you know, whatever it is, you are deserving of help. So friend, go get it.

Nicole:

Hey, friend. So we have had some really deep dive tough talks, and I love it. And I want to talk about what I’m going to air my own business on this one. And I’m going to let you know that this chat is all about Fighting Fair. So what does that mean? It means that whether you are negotiating at work, or you are arguing with a partner, or you’re getting it in with your kids, because they are just being impossible, you gotta know how to fight, you got to know how to fight fair. And I say this, because I’m a strong fighter, y’all. If you didn’t know this, and so many of y’all are like, Oh, Nicole, you’re so sweet. You’re so friendly. You’re so this, you’re so that, you know, and it’s true. I’m nice, you know, I am nice, but I’m also not nice. What I mean is I’m firm, I know what I want. I know how, what I believe, my value systems. I work hard. And, boy, I tell you, if you’re gonna come with it, you just better have your data, your facts and everything in alignment, you better know what you’re trying to say and be clear on your stuff. Because if not, you know, you’re not gonna win with me.

And my kids know that my partners know that. And everyone knows where I’m a softy, it’s the babies. But you better believe that when it comes down to it, I have no problem, you know, whether it’s coming from my sales background in business, or my hard working, you know, do it yourself Mama,attitude, or, you know, my cultural background as an African and a Christian and someone who just really has a strong value system around like work ethic and kindness and grace, you know. I’m a sharpshooter and a straight shooter. And all of that means that, you know, I get what I want, and I get what I want a lot. But it’s not fun to get what you want, if everyone in the room doesn’t feel good about it.

And that’s what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about one of the things that I have learned in this land of free-ness, you know, post divorce, in a new partnership with older children, you know, doing new things as my business grows in different ways. I have just had to learn so much about fighting fair. And this all came up because I have arguments in my current partnership. Now, I think that that’s something that a lot of people don’t expect, you know, they’re like, oh, my gosh, especially if you follow me on social at Nicole Walters. Everywhere, you know, you may see how absolutely giddy, happy, delightful, smileypants, joyful I am. I have never shared a relationship like this ever before. I’ve also never, I think looked like this in a relationship. I am absolutely over the moon in love. And we are over a year into this and I am just still just smitten by my fella, you know, but I want you to know the other side of it all. It is imperfect. And maybe even you know, I’ll talk about things today but maybe we’ll even have the MR fella back to share a little bit because he keeps it all the way real. So I may or may not. We do have editing though.

So in any case, he is a sharp, straight shooter as well, you know, he’s direct, he is clear, you know, and you better believe that in our relationship we both wear the pants and we each have one leg in each, you know, it’s like that I would definitely say I do not feel like and it’s crazy, because I think that oh, and I’ll even start here to let you guys know if we’re gonna keep it all the way real. I think a lot of people have always assumed that. What is it like to be with someone like Nicole Walters? Well, it’s clear. Like I just finished saying I have a strong personality. I am a talker. Especially when it comes to being on camera and things I’m just so comfortable that I have no problem filling the room. I am a lot. I’ll be the first one to say it. I know it. I know that for some people they’re just like, Oh, you’re so much. I’m okay. What’s the saying? If if I’m a lot go find less. You know, like I’m okay with that because people who love me love my a lot, right? So I’m okay with it. But I know I’m a lot.

And one of the things that’s interesting is in my relationships, though, and people don’t ever realize this, but I’m really very clear about my direction and my vision and my morals, like what I would like to accomplish, what I want my family to do, but I am so willing and submissive when it comes to picking up the workload. And I say this because I’ve learned this from my friends, during this divorce process, during even my marriage, I would hear it constantly from my family, from my friends, like Nicole like do less. Nicole it’s okay to not. Nicole like you know you give in too easy you’re you know you’re you’re okay to stand up for what you know is right you know, and And I can tell you that some of that is just kind of my personality, I will like, some of the traditional myths, if you will, of the classic relationship, you know, this is not me saying I’m anti-feminist, this doesn’t mean me saying I’m pro patriarchy, I’m not to pick me, I gotta say all those things, because I feel like now, people come for you and cancel you, you know, if you say anything that can be interpreted any type of way.

But what I’m trying to let you know is that I really like the classic, cheesy, traditional relationship, call me a nerd, I love when my guy opens the doors for me, and I like, you know, having a partner that I trust, to defer to and, you know, without misinterpreting the Bible, or trying to use, you know, biblical things to support patriarchal ideas that are harmful to women, you know, I do understand the submissive request of the Bible in a relationship, you know, in a marital partnership, or in a relationship. What I’ve learned, though, was, I used to believe that that meant that you differed to your male partner, you know, or your male partner in the relationship, if you’re in a traditional heterosexual relationship by saying, hey, you know, you make the decisions, I support you, you’re the head of the household, you decide all of that. And that was very much, you know, how I did my relationship before, and a lot of people wouldn’t know or think that, the way I did it was, you know, I’ll go fetch all the different ideas and things of that sort, lay it out, you pick, and then we go for it. Or I’ll come up with a concept, you know, and if you tell me, that’s okay, then I’ll go build it, or I’ll go do it, you know, and what I learned very quickly, was that I still believe.

So coming out of divorce unexpectedly, you know, I definitely thought I’d be like, oh, never again, it’s gonna be all me all the time, I’m going to manage my own stuff, no more relationships. I will never ever allow myself to let a man’s needs, whims, emotions, whatever dictate how I make decisions, you know, I’m not going to ever seek permission, you know, within a relationship again, you know, I’m just going to do whatever I need to do to make sure everything’s okay.

But what I learned was that I actually am a better person in partnership. It helps me with, you know, keeping grace at the forefront, and not overworking myself and being kinder to myself. And it helps me to have someone who, when when I’m in a relationship that’s healthy, sees the best version of me, and gives me the benefit of the doubt because that helps keep me in the place that I need to be in, in order to show up in the world in the best way and to take care of myself. And in those types of healthy relationships, submission can happen, but the way that it happens is in a way where you are looking at equality in that partnership, you know. I’m okay, stepping back many times over, you know, which honestly always ends up being like 50/50, because if you’re in a relationship, it goes both ways. But I’m okay, stepping back and just be like, Okay, it’s your thing, because I trust that this person is not just going to make decisions that are beneficial for them, but also beneficial for me and also beneficial for our kids and also beneficial for our future, that they’re always considering all the factors and not just themselves.

And that is sort of the lesson that I had to take, which ties into fighting fair is that, you know, it’s okay for me to lose, you know, a fight, it’s okay for me to lose a disagreement. It’s okay for me to not, you know, come out on top all the time, if the person that I know is in it with me forever and does the work and shows up and cares about the outcome because that means you never really lose it means that you just found a happy medium of compromise. And it’s exciting because that’s what I’m in right now.

And so one of the things that I learned in our disagreements because we have them still so you know, in a simple sense, one of the things that we had disagreement about, I hope he’s okay with me sharing this and probably should ask first but I’m sure he’s okay with it, is that in our partnership, you know, I obviously have my 11 year old daughter, my kids come first. Anyone who knows me personally, if you haven’t picked it up online, to be completely honest, I am a fierce mother. I am a forcefield of love, care and attention around my babies. I’m interested in everything they do, what they eat, what the texture of their poop is, how they’re feeling, how they’re sleeping, what they need, I care about every single aspect of my babies from their nose to their toes.

So because of that any partner that I ever had would have had to be okay with them first. Like without question there’s just no no question right? Like I’m perfectly content you know, before I even met my partners with it just being me my babies. So my partner that I’m with now, the Misterfella, he had to learn, you know, what that meant for me as a mom, you know, and how it happened in practice, because he’d heard it. And he’d seen how I put their interests first, especially during this divorce process and how I, you know, built a space for them to make sure that they were transitioning and comfort and how I always have prioritize my children. And you know, and he saw all of that. And it’s worth noting, and we’ve mentioned in previous episodes that he’s been on that, you know, for those of you who are out there saying, Man, I have kids, and you know, what, how will I find a guy who’s interested in that, you know, he loved it, he was like, this is the guy who has to look up pictures of his food before he orders. So he’s very visual. And for him, he was like, Oh, my gosh, I love seeing you as a mother. Because when I see how you mother I want that for my children, you know, and so, you know, it’s, he knew who I was, and he loved that.

But it also meant that he had to learn that understand that all that fire can come towards you too, if you’re not on your A game. So when I tell you he is stellar, I like I’m trying not to tear up because it moments it hits me like, Oh, thank you, Jesus, thank you God, like, that’s how I feel like, Oh, thank you God, like, it’s like many praise moments, you know, when I think of how good of a man he is, and how blessed I am, like, not just for my existing babies, but future babies, like the idea that I could have him as a father and a partner and raising a child is such a gift. It is such a gift.

He is so incredibly good and caring, and loving and smart. And, and good with discipline and high energy and invested and interested and patient and balanced and nurtured. And you know, to his credit, he had a great childhood, his parents are beyond wonderful. Like when I tell you, I met his parents, and I was just floored at the goodness of these people. His mother is so generous, you know, and truly is just like all in on her family. His father is just this like, positive, optimistic, sunny man, you know, who just finds joy in everything. And just, he comes from good stock, I didn’t even know they made him like this anymore. And that said, he’s showing up 100%, too, because he knew that with me comes my baby. So he’s showing up so well. I mean, he’s helping you with drop offs and pickups and putting food on the table and just you know, all the things all in. But it also means that if you say you’re all in, you better not drop the ball on my babies, you know what I mean? Like you can, you can let me down, but you never gonna let my babies down. And you know, that type of energy. And we had a day where I was on set filming a TV show. And so I’ve had a couple of different TV projects while I’m out here. I live in LA because I work in LA, my studios here. You know, I get TV show projects, I’m on panels and speaking engagements, like I do all that stuff out here. So you know, my agents, everyone’s out here.

So I was working on a TV show project for a major cable network. And so I’m on set 15 hours a day. And so, in working on this show, I had a regular touch base with my little one, my 11 year old, where I was like, Hey, I’m gonna call you at this time, just to touch base and make sure okay, but I knew I wasn’t gonna make the touch base, because I was going to be on set. And that was just unusual. But during the early stages of the transition, you know, I was always so worried about her anxiety level around it, making sure she felt secured and loved and had attention. And just making sure that she was getting that from a parent, you know, that was truly invested in her, you know, and she felt that she had that rooting, that healthy attachment. So when I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do it, you know, I shared that, you know, with the Misterfella, I was like, Yeah, you know, I don’t know what I’m gonna do, I’m going to be on set.

And if you listened to last week’s episode about asking for help, it was my way of asking for help without asking for help, and I’m getting better about it, you know, but I was sharing that I had this problem. And so he jumps in, and of course, because He’s, um, he’s like, Oh, I got it. I’ll do the touch base call. I’ll make sure she’s good. You don’t have to worry about it. You know, and they already have a relationship that’s just so beautiful. And so I wasn’t worried about it. I was like, oh, you know, I love it. Thank you so much. Just, you know, make sure you do it because it’s really important. And he’s like, okay, no problem. I got it, right. Not a problem.

Y’all know what happened. Y’all know right now you know exactly what happened. I think it was like 4:30 rolled around in the afternoon and the call did not happen. And so I get off set and I see on my phone, you know, multiple text messages like Hey, Mom, you know, just checking in you know, didn’t get my touch base call, make sure everything’s okay, you know, and I am hot. Right? Hot. And I know some of you right now are like, what’s the big deal? He’s trying, what? You know, everyone has different feels on stuff. I’m gonna tell you right now one of the things that there are two areas of my life that people can come for all they want. And I just it rolls off my shoulders. I literally don’t care, right one is my business consulting. I’m an excellent business consultant, I’m very good at what I do. I’m qualified and tried and true. I’m very, very good at my business consulting. And so that’s something I know I do well, and it just is what it is.

The other thing is my babies. There is no one on this planet that could ever tell me I don’t love my babies. Well, I’m not saying I’m perfect, be clear on that. I make mistakes. And I hear and listen to feedback for that. But no one will ever tell me that I don’t have their best intentions in mind or that I need to protect them differently or whatever. Like, just they can’t even come for me. So for that reason, yeah, I was upset. I was upset because this was an expectation that was set. It was a responsibility that I delegated in relation to my most cherished possession in the world. Right? You know, my most cherished thing that I have in my existence up under me are my little littles, you know?

And what mattered to me more was that he knew not so much that the call was dropped. And I think all the mamas here are gonna know and feel this. It wasn’t so much that the call was dropped. It was that I needed to know that he understood that my babies were a priority. That under no circumstances would there be any relationship where my babies come second, ever. Current babies, future babies, ever. And the I wanted to make sure that there wasn’t any energy of being cavalier around my babies, I needed to know for a fact that there was complete and total understanding that we are not going to be casual around my baby’s needs ever.

And bless his heart, y’all. When I tell you, when I tell you first go of it. He’s allowed a mistake. But I wanted to make sure you understood, you know, you get one. And so I bless his heart. Oh my god, I just look back and I’m like, Oh, my God, it was so hard on him. But you know, I went in on him. I was like, Listen, I need you to understand that this is not acceptable. And it’s not okay. And bless his heart. He came back and he was like, I don’t understand. It’s a phone call. Like, I know, I messed up. That was wrong. I understand. But why are you so mad? Oui, mamas. I know, all you right now. Like, hold on, hold on. Again. It was early, not too early, like we’ve been together for the better part of a year. But he was just new in the kids lives because I didn’t introduce them to the kids until after six months.

But he was just like, oh, and he could see my face. The minute he said that, that he said the wrong thing. And immediately, I mean, I’m telling you within minutes, it dawned on him, it clicked. He was like, Oh, my gosh, I messed up. I understand it will never happen again. I am so sorry. This was the thing that I did. This is how I shouldn’t have done it. Here’s how I’ll correct it in the future. I understand what you’re saying. You’re heard you’re understood. I’m sorry. You know, how can I make this right? And here’s where I went wrong. Because I can, you know, say this all day, because I’ve learned so much since my previous relationships to was I said to him, my demeanor was, Oh, you don’t need to worry about another chance because I don’t need to worry about, I was in that mood, you are not going to get another chance to to mess this up. Because you don’t need to worry about calls, I will do the calls like I instantly, you know, this is part of my demeanor, you know, that I’ve had to work on you know, is if somebody messes up, I’m like, I’m taking it all back. You don’t need any response. I don’t trust you anymore. You know, and when it comes to my kids, especially my kids, my money, my best, that’s how I am. And so he was like, no, like, Please give me another shot. And, again, growth. I let him have another shot. He nailed it. And he’s nailed it ever since that, right? Like, it’s never been an issue. He’s on it with my kids, and especially the little one and I’m just so so blessed.

Now, I say this because people are flawed, they’re going to make mistakes, like we know what’s going to happen, your relationship will have issues, it will have issues. And I you know, read that, you know, in a study that if you have a relationship where you aren’t fighting, and you aren’t having disagreements, and I’m not talking about obviously physical fighting, emotional abuse, you know, narcissistic behavior, any type of aggression. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about disagreements like, I don’t like that you didn’t do the dishes or I’m upset about you know, this thing with the baby or I would like to do this with our funds but this isn’t happening, if you’re not having a relationship where you are disagreeing on things and that is coming to a verbal awareness. There are bigger issues in your relationship. Hear me on that. A good relationship has fights. Because if you are fighting it means you’re talking about the issues.

When I tell you so many people think they have happy relationships, and it’s just because they’re not saying anything. I’ve heard so many stories and people in the DMs of women who are like I just don’t say anything. I just keep it all to myself, but I’m fuming, I’m bottled up, I have resentment. I, I have so much anger, you know, I have so much frustration. I know that feeling. You know, I spent my early years of my relationship trying to talk about the issue saying this is a problem. And does this make sense? And I didn’t understand, I was 22. I didn’t understand that, so much of that was signs that things weren’t making sense. They weren’t gonna change later, right. But I really thought that oh, yeah, you know, like I’m saying all these things when I see change, but then down the line, I’m saying a lot less, and I’m just doing the work myself. And instead that breeds resentment, right? So I want you to know that it’s important that you’re speaking up on things that you disagree with, and it’s important that you’re speaking up on things that upset you. And it’s important that you’re speaking up, you know, on things that you know are issues and points of dissatisfaction and improvement that you need within a relationship. One, because you deserve it. I mean, what on earth, you’re going to be connected to someone for a lifetime and, and just settle and deal with things that you know, make you uncomfortable or against your morals or affect your family or your kids? Get out of here. That’s not okay. You know, and I can say that proudly now, like I felt it in my body, because I’m saying it to you and I’m saying it to me, it’s not okay, you deserve more. But I’m also saying that it is important that you have a safe space to do it. And I think that that is twofold. One, it’s about constantly cultivating in the relationship, a safe place, way, system, process, in order to to discuss these things. Now, that part is going to differ for everyone, right, and part of why it’s gonna be different also is mental health issues. If you’re with a partner who is mentally stable and had a great childhood and is healthy and well developed, fortunately, when you have disagreements, the disagreement can stay in the center of the room and accountability, responsibility, blaming is not really an issue, you’re able to be able to say, hey, we’re talking about the issue, we’re focused on the problem at hand, we own that this isn’t our problem, even if you’re bringing it up. And I own responsibility and how we’re going to fix it because I want a happy relationship. And that is honestly, it takes therapy to get there. You know, if somebody doesn’t have it, sometimes it takes therapy to stay there, because life will throw you bumps and bruises. But that is such a core part of a relationship is being able to say, what is my role in, in helping fix and solve this problem. And let me own the fact that, you know, I am responsible for my own life, you know, and this relationship is part of my life. And I’m going to have to do things to maintain it, you know, and that might include having this difficult conversation and taking away things that I’m going to act on, in order to have a better life, you know?

If you feel like you have a great partner and you want to sustain it, or you have a great life, and you want to sustain it, you’re gonna have to do stuff to keep it you know, like, that’s just how life is, you can’t have nice things and not do work. And, and that is a huge part of how I fight with the Misterfella. One of the things that we do is we have a, you know, the issues on the table, you know, it’s not me, and it’s not you, it’s on the table. So we’re looking at it, we’re describing it, we’re talking about it, we’re explaining how it might make us feel or what we see it doing. But we do not talk about it in the context of you are this or you have done this or you are this person, because that’s such an overarching statement. And it doesn’t honor the fact that there is love there. And it doesn’t give the benefit of the doubt that is so necessary in a relationship. You know, for me, in particular, what that looks like is I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m well loved, and that my partner is committed and that everything he’s doing is in our interest and the interest of my girls.

So that means that if there’s something that occurs in the relationship that is negative or hurtful or challenging or hard, that it may just be a thing, and not necessarily something that is happening to me or done deliberately or personal. And I don’t need to take it personally. I don’t need to get dejected about it like oh, this will never get fixed or everything is awful, or the world is terrible. Or this is a symptom of my partner being a horrible person towards me. It’s just not that. It usually is we need to figure this out because it’s probably a misunderstanding. And if nothing else, the figuring it out portion of it will tell me a lot more about whether or not this is a real problem. And the other advantage I have there is, if something is a real problem, and I do need to figure it out, I’m also able to, because of my own therapy, and my own self love my own worth, say, look, it’s not my job to fix my partner either.

So if they’re showing me like, no, like, this is my value system, I don’t care about your kids. And this, I will never do school pickup, or I’ll never clean the house, or I’ll never do whatever, it’s not my job to sit here and spend years and years and years trying to help that person understand the value behind doing those things for themselves even, no. It’s my job to say, Okay, if that’s who you are, and your firm behind that, then I deserve to find someone who will, you know, think align that or I’m allowed to have that for myself, because I am enough for myself too you know? And so it makes it a lot safer to be able to talk about those issues, because you feel that sense of personal security, around, not needing to be completed in your other partner and your partner is also hold within themselves.

So with us for fighting fair, it’s keeping the issue in the center of the room. The other thing we do, and this is, you know, kind of cheesy, but also based in science. You know, touching is something that we do a lot. So if it starts getting too hot, which is the phrasing that I always use, like it’s too hot right now, meaning we are getting kind of angry, voices are a little elevated. I’m not a big like screamer yeller in or like I’m not heightened anger, my kids always talk about how I use like my firm mom voice, you know, but I’m not like a big like, oh, like, I don’t do that, I don’t throw things like that’s just not my nature. And so you know, and my partner isn’t either actually, but like, when we both start, I can feel the escalation and energy. Sometimes I will literally just stop talking, walk over and like, hold him. And I’ll say, phrases like, you know, we can keep being angry, we can keep talking this through. You know, I’m not saying that you’re wrong. And I’m not saying that I’m right. You know, and I want to keep figuring this out, but it’s too hot right now. It’s too hot right now, we need to bring it down. So that we can get this figured out because I know we’ll figure it out. And, and sometimes I’ll just say like, we’re not breaking up, we’re not breaking up. This is not it’s not going to be over. This isn’t what this is, we’re just figuring this out. And when I tell you the saying of these phrases, and he’ll say them to me, too.

So, you know, if he’s like, season, I’m really upset about something, you know, he’ll say phrases like, you know, I trust you, and I love you. And I know that I’m probably misunderstanding something, and we’re gonna figure this out, you know, so let’s just keep talking. And when I tell you these phrases that are sort of independent of the disagreement, but are just reminders, sort of in the context of a hot moment of how much love is still there, and how this hot moment is not changing that sometimes will even say, you know, I love you, I love you so much. You know, like, and not in a sarcastic way, like I love you, you know, like, let’s keep talking, and it’s important to say those things because it almost diffuses things, but it also shifts our brain kind of you know, from that place of, like, I have to defend where I am to, it’s us, we’re figuring it out, this is figureoutable, like we can do this. And it’s been so, so helpful, um, you know, physical touch being a really big one.

And, again, you know, I’m not diminishing the privilege that I have of a safe partnership. It’s not lost on me. I’ve been in partnerships before that were physically violent. I’ve been in partnerships before that were emotionally abusive. I’ve been in partnerships before that, you know, especially when I was very young, that were extremely lopsided in terms of, you know, age or, you know, all these different things, I talk about a lot of that and how that has led to some of my partner choices in my book that’s coming out this year in 2023, in fall of 2023. So, you know, it’s not lost on me that not all of us are in positions where we can do that safely. Especially if mental health is present. You know, I’ve been there.

But I also want you to know is that what I describe here and I’m trying not to be too emotional about it, because I know, this is hard and sensitive for some. But it’s this part I want you to hear especially if you’re in your 20s or early 30s. And you are new to this thing and trying to figure it out or a year in or three years in. I want you to know that it is actually possible to have a normal, healthy relationship, where disagreements don’t end in fighting, throwing, physical stuff, where the partner doesn’t talk badly about you or hang up on you where they don’t block you all over social or make fun of you in front of your friends or your family, where they don’t leave you hanging or, you know, strand on the side of a street.

And I see a lot of stuff on social media or on like some of these reality shows where it’s, it’s not what we kind of constantly label as, like obvious violence, you know of that physical sort. But I want you to know that, like, it is possible to have disagreement and still feel loved. And not only is it possible, I want you to know that that is like normal, it is healthy, it is common, and you deserve it. And it took me a while to learn that, and I hope that for some of you listening, you know, in this chat that we’re having, if you’re ever wondering if that’s real, that you’re hearing my voice, you know, as as your good friend, who you really can trust that I’m telling you like, it is really normal, and healthy, to be able to still feel and have and be loved, even when it’s hard or bad, or challenging or difficult.

And I’m not just saying that from my perspective, I’m not just on some, well, of course, because you’re this or you have this or this this, no, I have friends who have gone through miscarriages, and, you know, cancer and really traumatic things in their own lives, like y’all, I’m going through a divorce, you know, and I have a partner that came into my life, you know, on the tail end of this thing and was still here and present with all of that hardship and was kind. And I want to let you know that like that is normal and to be expected across the board. And if you are holding up your relationship and not seeing that, there is something to explore, you are not crazy and if it’s been years and years and years of that there is something to explore, and you’re not crazy. And even if you’ve acclimated to it as your norm, just because it’s normalized, does not mean that it is normal. And I don’t want you to normalize in your life or for your littles that are watching or for the challenges that life is going to be, I don’t want you to normalize fighting unfairly, or in an aggressive way, as what a relationship is, because it’s not. And if you’re on the other side of it, where you feel like you’re the aggressor, I want you to also recognize that you can be in places that make you into someone that you don’t want to be. And at any point in time, you can choose to make it different. You can get into an environment, you know how some people are like on vacation me, when I’m on vacation, I’m just lighter and brighter and happier. I want you to know that living as the best version of yourself also can do with your environment, your circumstances and people that you have around you.

So I’m going through one of the hardest times of my life, you know this post divorce, life, rebuild, restructure what does it look like figuring oneself out you know, and yet this is one of the best times of my life. My life has been truly filtered down to only the best of the best, the people that you see in my life every day are all good and stable people. The people that you don’t see in my life every day are people that I have intentionally chosen to not for my life and there’s a reason for that. And it’s because I am fiercely protecting and shaping and having my peace and it’s the most valuable thing to me because it’s tied to my health and I deserve to live well and live long and so do you.