As a matter of fact, I was having a conversation with my, my current fella. And he asked me because there’ll be moments where I will be laughing at old videos or sharing with the kiddos, you know, something funny they did when they were a kid over one Christmas. And you know, we were kind of at the end of the night having one of our sort of connects, you know, where we kind of sit down and go over the day and ask how each other’s doing and seeing what each other needs. And he asked me, he was like, you know, I noticed that you have this smile on your face when you’re watching some of these videos, you know, in your old home or, you know, with your you know, with your wasband, and you know, just Are you alright? Do you miss it? Do you miss it sometimes? And we have a very open partnership. So I didn’t lie to him. I told him yes. You know, even when I’m scrolling through social, you know, and I see, you know, some of y’all commenting like, gosh, I just you know, I missed the old family stuff where I miss, you know, what it used to be like, and I miss it too. I do. I look at it fondly. And there is so much about it, that is a positive thing. Even now, I don’t know if you can hear to my voice, but I smile about it because I had fun. There was fun there for sure. But when I think about it, and this is what I told him, you know, what I don’t miss is that in every single moment, I always wondered what would it be like to be in this moment 100%? That I always felt myself showing up to all these moments, maybe like 80% 90% joy. Showing up and feeling like, gosh, you know, all this stuff is good and great. But what if my partner was equally happy? Because I knew, you know, I knew partly because he told me, I also knew partly because you can feel when someone’s not all the way in it. You know, and I just knew in these moments, you know that the life that I was living was, gosh, 70% joyful. And I just couldn’t shake that. What would it look like if I had if I could even have a life that was 80% happy, 90% Happy, like what would it look like to be with someone and end with a moment and in it 100%.

And here’s the kicker, y’all. What I didn’t realize, then that I realized now is if you’re going to have moments in your life where you’re in it 100% happy, you’re also going to have to live a life of truth where you’re in and you’re 100% sad. If you’re going to feel you’re going to feel completely on both sides, the highs and the lows. So I do miss what I thought my life used to be. I get this question a lot. Don’t you miss it? I do. But the reality is so much better than the fantasy, even if it does come with a heaping dose of hard days and hard pain. It’s kind of like that scene and if you’ve ever seen The Matrix where it’s all about, you know how and if you haven’t seen it, you know, essentially the main character is told that life is basically a simulation. It’s not real, it’s kind of like one big video game and on one side they can choose to remain in the video game. You know where they’re living this life that sort of seems real and you know is but it’s all being manufactured by outside sources. So you’re not in control of anything, you’re just living this life that seems real or they can choose to see the reality of life, which they guarantee will be painful and they guarantee will be difficult and they guarantee will have hardships but it’s Real. And with that realness it also means that when there is joy, you’re gonna feel it at 100%. And the main character without, you know, spoiling it for you does make a choice. But I want to let you know that it’s very much what it feels like to go through divorce, there’s nothing like realizing that staying in your partnership is hard and leaving your partnership is going to be hard. But which hard do you choose?

And what has been hard, recently, you know, is, whenever I get a trigger, a trigger can be anything for me, it can be anything from my kid getting sick, you know, which is going to happen, right? It’s cold and flu season, your kids gonna end up getting a cold or something weird like that, or money, right? You know, I support multiple households, I’m the breadwinner, I’ve always been the breadwinner for my household. You know, so I’m the breadwinner for my whole family. You know, and I work really, really hard. And so, you know, doing all of that. Plus, you know, a divorce is like a third job y’all like, as if I don’t already have like five or six, I run multiple companies, and I’m an investor and all those things. But it’s like another job because you are responding with paperwork, you’re negotiating, it really is much like closing a business, you know, so you’ve got this other thing that requires 100% of your attention. So you’ve got parenting that needs you 100%, you’ve got this job that needs you 100%, you’ve got your companies that need you, you have you know, I of course, had to go and fall in love, like a full. I’m getting I’m so grateful. But you know, that requires my attention. Because it’s something that I want to nurture, that’s so special to me. And then there’s your own health and well being you guys know that I’ve had some health struggles, so I can’t neglect that either. And when I tell you when your kid comes up sick, you’re like, ah, you know, I do not need one more thing. You know, like, and you feel bad, because your baby doesn’t feel well either. So it’s like just a bunch of different things. But then there’s money stuff, you know, where you’re like, how am I going? I’m spread so thin, I got to do all these things. And, you know, I can’t have one more weird thing come up, you know, and mind you, any of Mama’s of teenagers, anyone who’s a 20 year old and yourself, you know, your car breaks down. It’s one more thing your you know, teenager does something dumb. That’s one more thing, you know, so you worry about that. And I gotta tell you my triggers right now. Anything that comes up, I’m like, I don’t have capacity for one more thing.

And it puts me in a place where I’m just kind of like, Am I doing everything wrong? What have I done? Am I making a mistake? I feel like it wasn’t like this before. What type of like, I cannot believe that I am the only like, I’m the only parent I’m the only one. I’m the only only only like, everything seems to be me and only me. And when I tell you, as and I know, some of y’all are hearing me right now saying like, Yes, girl, the weight is on my shoulders. There’s no one else I’m looking left. And I’m looking right saying, who’s here to catch me, right? Like who’s here to help me? Because when the kids get sick, y’all, they’re coming to you. You know what I mean? And it’s not that it’s not that, you know, Dad’s not trying, right, you know, in your situations, you know, but you’re the primary. That’s how it goes. And I want to reference that to remind you that I had to remind myself in these low moments to get out of them, that there isn’t some magical point where it wasn’t going to be hard. There wasn’t a magical point where healing has thus concluded congratulations, here’s your trophy and your 7/11 Slurpee, you have won, move forth. That’s not how that works. It’s that you kind of heal from one thing: it gets you good and strong. And you move on to the next thing. And I’ve had some really dark days. I mean, just being completely honest, I have had some days where it’s like, I want to walk out the front door and not look back. And I say all of this, loving my children and loving my partner and truly being happy and joyful in my life that I’m in now but I’ve had some days where it has been heavy to hold the way that I describe it as this and I think it’ll resonate with a lot of you.

Sometimes it feels like divorce is like you’re treading water. You can see the shore, you are so close to it, it feels like you almost could reach it like the water is not that deep. But you’re treading water. And whether it’s your wasband or financial state or anything from your past feels like a weight as you’re treading this water and that just tires you out even more. And you’re saying to yourself, gosh, like, at times it feels like it would almost be relieving to give into this weight and just let it take you under but you keep treading water because that’s you you’re a natural fighter not going to let it through and you know, you can see short in sight so it’s inspiring. You can see relief on the horizon. And if you’re blessed, like I definitely am, you have so many people around you. You are never alone. If you’re really blessed, you’ve got friends, you’ve got therapists, you’ve got your church, you’ve got faith and if you don’t have these things

listened to, I think two or three episodes ago I talk about what you need to get through. And those are some of the things church faith a therapist friends, I mean, family You just need people don’t need a lot of them. But you need life preservers around you so that when you’re treading and you need a moment, they can coach you, maybe they can help you. Sometimes they can hold you, not forever, but they can support you. So you can get a couple of breaths so you can keep going.

And in those moments of treading water to stay afloat, it can feel like you’re going to drown any minute. Friend, you may be in that moment, right now, I know I’ve been in and out of it over the past two, three months. But what I want to also let you know is that even if you are feeling those moments, I want you to know that the time will come, no matter what, no matter how long it takes, whether it is three months, or six months, three years, or six years, where that weight is going to be cut off, and you will be able to make it to shore. And even better friend, what you may not realize now in this moment, is that as you’re treading water, and treading water with weights, you are getting stronger. So at times where I get so frustrated, because I’m like, gosh, I feel like this process is unnecessarily difficult for me. No one’s helping me with my kids. No one’s helping me with the bills. I am a full, entirely independent adult, showing up in this world and being entirely responsible and stepping in and doing responsibilities where others are not. And how could that be? Right? How could this be? How could this be happening? Right? What have I done wrong, that I’m in this space, I instead try to remind myself that in these moments, I’m getting stronger. I’m getting better. And frankly, in some ways, friend, if you really look back at it, is it really that different than it used to be? Haven’t you always been the point person? Have you always been the strong one?

Now, don’t take any of that to mean that you don’t have a right to softness in your life, you do have a right to a break. And you do have a right to feel ease. And you do have a right to feel comfort and supported and loved. But if this is the card that you’ve been dealt, if this is the season that you’re in, I want you to recognize that all this weight you’ve been lifting means that you are going to get to shore, the promised land, the relief better and stronger and faster than ever. You just have to wait it out until those weights break free. And I promise you they will. And during that process while you’re waiting, every time something comes anew, that feels like a gut punch that feels like oh my goodness, I thought things were just getting better, y’all. As you know, like, I’ve got the little one full time. And school makes no sense. You start at 7:30 and then you pick up your kid at like two o’clock. And then like on Tuesdays they have like half days. Are they even in school? Let’s be honest, what are they even doing? It takes me 45 minutes to get my kid to settle down to even start their homework. So I know good. And well, they’re probably only getting about 90 minutes of instruction and an average day. Right? So what is even happy if y’all aren’t going to keep them, just tell me to not even bring them to school. That’s how this feels right. And God bless the teachers, because I do not know how you’re doing anything in that schedule and that structure, but that’s a conversation for another day.

What I do want to say though, is that I felt like I was dropping her off. Because I don’t have a nanny, I don’t have, you know, a full team, you know, supporting me in this season, I’ve elected to really be hands on with my children, because there have been so many transitions, that for right now, being present and being mom and being hands on is super important to me and for my child, I recognize that for others that may not be the case so that is not passing judgment, it’s just speaking to my specific situation. So being hands on, and lavishing love and attention on my little, is one where it means that I am dropped her off and picking her up and y’all I dropped her off. And by the time I get home and kind of get my life together, I’m trying to pick her up again. And I finally was like I found out that we had an after school program, you know, that would be able to assist me with that because you can’t hire a nanny for a couple hours a day. Like, it’s just really hard to find people aren’t really interested in that you can’t really build the type of relationship you want, you know, so I was like, Okay, I’m gonna sign up for this program.

So if y’all don’t know this exists, they have after school programs, ask your school, I’m not gonna lie to you I’m in a very privileged position where I’m able to afford something like that not everyone can, you know, I’ve I adjusted the budget so I can make room for that, you know, so I can cover that. You know those expenses. But if you can figure out a way or if you have a partner who can assist you with that or is willing to assist you with that definitely look into it because what happens is now it gives me enough five o’clock every day. So that was something I did for myself so that I could pace my day better. But friends, I thought I finally had it made. I was like, I got these extra hours back, I can finally get work. We tried this for an entire week and the kids doing great. She’s coming back with her homework done. She’s getting tutoring help, because of my house. We carry the one. They’re not teaching the kids carry the one anymore. So I’m over here like, yeah, she’s gonna make it. We got our routine, we are doing it. The kid gets sick, comes down with the flu. You know, that’s how that goes. And now the routine has all come boggled and messed up. And I’m like, we were following a thing. We were on a high and now we’re on a low. Can I get 10 days of consistent, less crazy, right?

That’s real life, the highs and the lows. And I want to let you know that I’m not even kidding. When I heard that first sneeze cough and I gave, I was like, I don’t know what’s going on lay down. And then I gave her the thermometer and it came back with a fever. I did all the moms things, kept myself composed, took care of her all those good things. And then I went upstairs and I just cried, I came on done. I’m done. Nothing makes me fall apart more than my baby’s not being well. And I came in done. And I realized that it was because I felt like aren’t we healing? Are we making progress? Didn’t we move forward? Why Why? Why? Am I back here again, solving another problem. Dealing with a kid who’s not going to be in school for three days, trying to adjust all my meetings and stuff around it? Will I ever get ahead? And I was getting into this woe is me cycle because I just could not believe that my healing wasn’t linear towards good. Why wasn’t I continuously growing and doubling my numbers and doing better and progressing and losing weight and not plateauing and all the things that we always say about transformation, we feel like it’s a constant path and step forward towards improvement, while friend, the way that it looks when you’re losing weight is you have a before and an after, and then you have some before again, and then you have an after then you have before again, and then you’re before sticks around for a little while, then you enjoy a little bit more of after, and then you have a bigger after, look, it’s not linear.

So what you need to get great at is what we’ve been talking about all season, starting over, recognizing that starting over isn’t always going to be marked by some major loss or some major move. What I want you to know today is because healing isn’t linear, starting over is going to happen in a miniature small way. All along the bigger process of starting over plot twist. So I’m in a whole new life. And I’m figuring out whole new systems, I’ve got whole new people and whole new friends. I’m building and deepening relationships with people that I have had in my life, because they’re reintroducing themselves to a version of me, that’s happier than they seen in many, many years. I mean, things are so different now.

But within that, as I’m learning new formulas and new patterns, learning to drive around new neighborhoods and trying new foods, I’m learning to start over in a whole new way. So friend, what I’ve started doing is whenever these moments happen, the number one thing I focus on, is getting present. Because it’s so easy in those moments to immediately jump to the past or the future. And in the past, there’s what would have this been like in my previous life. The truth is, I’d still be taking care of the baby, I’d still be the person that she’d be looking to I’d still be responsible for making sure she’s okay and figuring out her regimen and managing all the things. But you know, oh gosh, I’d be doing it in a different home or, you know, I’d be able to, you know, frankly, that’s I mean, it’d be the same. But that’s part of why you know, not going in the past is really because we glorify and glamorize what we thought it used to be. Right?

So there’s the past and then there’s the future Oh, no, but what does this mean? Well, I will she be okay, what will happen? Will she never be able to hit school? Will she keep getting sick? You know, it’s all this anxiety but the truth is in the present, well, she’s sick, you’re managing it, you’re doing a great job, she’s gonna get better. There’s signs of improvement. You are healthy yourself, you have the means to take care of it. You have the ability and the tools to be able to handle and help it today. She trusts you enough to be honest about how she feels she’s loved and supported and you are caring for her the way she deserves to be cared for. She’s in a position where even though she’s not feeling great. She is receiving the love and attention that she deserves to heal, and that’s going to help her for a lifetime. And when you get present, friend, when you get present, you realize how much you have.

Our tendency and whenever we are healing, or we get caught in the past or in the future is to focus on where we lack. But in the present, you lack nothing. Because you are doing such a good job handling what is in front of you and you are friend, you are, you realize that you like nothing, everything you need is there and you are using it, and you’re doing the best you can to handle the moment the best you can. And that is enough, you are enough. So, while it can feel so frustrating, and challenging, and disappointing, to have to experience the lows, as you’re working so hard to sustain the highs, I want you to know that we’re not any different. There isn’t some place or some person or some other reality where it would be better. Or it would be easier, or you’d have more answers. That just isn’t because you are the best person to tackle what you’re facing every single day. And you’re the best person and the evidence of that is the way that you’re dealing with it and the way that you’re showing up, you’re doing a great job. And this is what I’ve had to remind myself, every time I start getting into the pit of it all.

It’s that, look, Nicole, this is the hand that you’ve been dealt, and you are showing up and you are still here. And the evidence of doing well. And all of that is how the people around you are still thriving, and how you’re thriving, and how you’ve managed to have joy and you’re not fixated on what other people have or don’t have or what other people have done or what they haven’t done or what other people will do or won’t do. You’re fixated on loving well and smiling in the moment and assuring your own health and the health of those around you. And that says a lot about who you are and how you show up.

So friend, I am so proud of you for always getting back up again. Whenever you’re in that valley and chasing the feeling of what it’s like to be on the mountaintop. And more than anything, I am so proud of you because even though healing isn’t a straight line, you keep showing up. Keep after a friend.

Nicole:
Hey, friend. So today, I know I always start off by saying I’m so so excited to chat. And I am. But this particular chat I wanted to come in and kind of do real time. So sometimes I do these and they are like a week or two right before before the time they actually go live to you. But this chat I wanted to do kind of real time. Now, just this past week, I have the joy of celebrating my 28th birthday. Now, I know that so many of you are like what, Nicole? That’s crazy. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you’re 28. You look 25, and just playing with ya’ll.I am a woman of a certain age. However, I am grateful for the many years of life that God has given me. And this past week, I had the opportunity to celebrate my 38th birthday. And it was a really good one. And I wanted to talk about some of the emotions that went along with it and what it’s like to celebrate a birthday when your life has changed, because I think that holidays, often mark whenever you’ve experienced a lot of change. So it’s why whenever a holiday is coming, we argue with our family, you know, like, well, there’s so and so coming or are they bringing the girlfriend or you know, whose house are we having it at?

You know, a lot of the reason why we start having those types of triggered conversations is because holidays symbolize tradition, they symbolize formulas and the formulaic and the norm. And the thing that we often struggle to realize is that life on the other 364 days of the year is far from it. So it’s why come this time of year, you start having those arguments about who’s doing what, who’s bringing what, what does this look like, where are we doing it? And it’s because we all are basing it off of information from a year ago about how we used to do it. But what has happened between that year and now.

So we’ve been having a lot of chats here. And you know that in just the past year, so much has happened. I mean, I am in Los Angeles, which means that this is going to be my first very Christmasy Christmas because for me Christmas is pine trees and snow and all the Hallmark movie stuff and I’m dealing with palm trees, you know, and beaches and all the things that don’t quite associate Christmas to me, but, you know, it’s still Christmas, right? Because it’s not just about what the holiday looks like. It’s about a little baby Jesus, you know, so knowing that it’s just kind of a recalibration in my mind around that change. But the tougher part of it, is that having the holidays, you know, in this situation means that I’m thinking about what’s going to happen with the kids. Right? I have all my babies and I’m their mama and that’s great and we’re whenever we’re together we’re good, right? But just thinking about this is going to be my first holiday without my partner you know without my ex you know, my was-band and that is weird. It’s weird, friend. And that’s what I wanted to talk about today is what it’s like having to experience things that have always been mile markers of holidays and fun and family and festivity. And do it without a certain family member because we, you know, lost them because they passed or lost them because of time and change, or lost them by choice, because we knew that it just wasn’t time for them to continue into the next chapter with us and what that’s like.

So I can’t think of a better way to explain it. Because obviously, you know, this time of year, we’re going into Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, we’ve got these sort of pointed, consistent holidays that we’re all celebrating, including, you know, Hanukkah, Diwali, like all these Kwanzaa like all these different things. But for me, I also have a birthday. And I don’t know if other people tend to experience this but for me, birthdays are not what you see on social media. They are not “Hey, girl, it’s me season” or and the kids, they don’t even say season anymore. They say sZn. They’ve abbreviated it, the hip, Nicole the tick Dockers. So you know it’s me season or people are like, Oh, it’s my birthday month. You know, I just, I’ve never been that person as much as I have a big personality. And I love having fun. And you know, I’m excited and energetic when my birthday comes around y’all who the blues, it’s almost like maybe 48 hours before I start dreading it. And I can even feel my belly flipping talking about it. Now I start feeling it. And I don’t know if some of you guys relate to this. I know a lot of people don’t but you know, this is it’s just real for us weird ones out there, you know, that are feeling it. My belly starts to flip I start getting nervous and anxious about it. I start wondering, oh, gosh, are people gonna like know, how do I keep it quiet, I started dreading all the things that come with birthdays for me. So I’m not excited about how my phone’s going to ring off the hook, I’m gonna get tons of text messages, I start feeling awkward about oh, gosh, someone’s gonna find out, they’re gonna say happy birthday. And then I’m gonna have to respond and be like, Thank you, you know, I start dreading the attention, the awkwardness, and all the things that go along with birthdays.

And I know that sounds crazy, because you know, a birthday is supposed to be a celebration of you, it’s supposed to be a celebration of your life and the accomplishment and maybe even another mile marker. And so it’s not fun to talk about. Because on this day, we’re supposed to say we’re grateful for another year of life, and I am, you know, I am. And, you know, we’re supposed to be all it’s my day, it’s me, but you know, I’m a mama. So it’s rarely my day, at least 100%. You know, and or we’re supposed to be sprinkling wisdom all over and talking about, you know, all the things we’ve learned. And I have to tell you, I’ve tried all those things. But the truth is, I get birthday blues. And the reason I get them is it’s one of the many survival tools that I’ve hardwired into myself. I haven’t celebrated a birthday or had one celebrated with or for me, since I was about 10 years old. And some of that is from poverty. It’s because my parents just financially didn’t have the funds to really make a big to do have a birthday. And when you’re younger, you kind of understand that you don’t understand it completely. And you recognize and see your peers, you know, still having parties and gifts and things of that sort. And you kind of wonder why you don’t have them, even though you know that the means aren’t there, but you kind of just don’t quite understand why it doesn’t come together. And what happens is you start tempering your hope, you start minimizing your expectation.

So while everyone else is tossing confetti and throwing around well wishes, you just kind of start to want to hide under the covers until the day of disappointment has passed. Because it’s you know, there’s a tension and there’s awkwardness and there’s anxiousness. And there’s all these things that are happening that are the opposite of what you feel. And frankly, you may feel even a little embarrassed that you’re feeling them and you know, birthdays and holidays are historically just not about you. And this continued into adulthood for me. I can easily say for the past 10 years of my life, 10, 12, 15 years, I haven’t had a birthday celebrated with me or for me. I haven’t had Mother’s days or Christmases or you know the way the holidays went for me were essentially… I’m a big gift giver. So I’ve always been the gift giver. I was the celebrator. I’m the one who watches everyone open their gifts really eagerly and with excitement and I’m always the one who tries to remember even the tiniest mention if you just sneeze a little thought that you like something. I will register it and I’m like, I’m gonna I’m gonna swing back around and make sure they get that and I always want to take these tiny wishes and make them big realities. But I also learned with that, that I shouldn’t get my hopes up that somebody would do that for me. Because you know, if my own parents didn’t do it, I know y’all right now, especially my therapists who are listening are like, Ooh, girl, girl, I’ve worked through it, we’re about to get to the good part.

But I just want to let you guys know that in case you’re unpacking some of this, I really, I know, some of you right now are nodding your head like yes, like, my expectation, especially as a mom, our expectations gets so low, that someone’s going to care for us. Our expectations get so low. If you are the child of immigrants, if you are a minority, if you are a woman, we don’t even realize sometimes how low our expectations are and how we have learned to manage our hope around somebody taking care of us or showing us kindness or acknowledging us. And that is simply because it hasn’t happened enough, we’ve learned to convince ourselves that we don’t need it, because we aren’t expecting it and/or hasn’t been given even when it’s due. And so you basically stop getting our hopes up. So you don’t have to deal with a broken heart. But you don’t realize that you’re breaking your own heart first. And all this while, I know that I’ve grown to say that I’m satisfied with it. I’m okay being empty handed. And I’m okay being forgotten, right. Because what’s truly Christian-like and motherly, and a proud child of an immigrant who’s grateful and thankful is to look at everyone else and all the gifts that they’re opening and everything and just smile down on them saying their joy is my gift.

And I want to let you know that that’s true. It really is like, I am so happy to serve people and to love up on them but that’s only partly true. And it’s only partly true for me. And it’s only partly true for you, friend. I want and I deserve my own joy. You hear me? You do too, friend. You deserve your own joy. You deserve to celebrate yourself, right? That’s important, we should celebrate, we should clap for our own dang selves. That is an important thing we should do. But you deserve to be celebrated too. It’s not okay to sit there and watch everyone open a gift and nobody remembered you. It’s not okay for Mother’s Day to come and go and no one even said thank you. It’s not okay that people forgot your birthday, you matter and you deserve to not be forgotten. And it’s not just in the gifting. Frankly, it’s not even in how many people texted you or how many comments or likes you received. It’s not about the actual little quantifiable, countable actions. It’s about knowing that you deserve them one way or another.

The concern here is not so much that we live our lives, expecting gifts or wanting gifts and feeling like we’re lacking because we didn’t get them y’all nothing is missing. What matters is that you know that whether or not those gifts come, you deserve them. And the concern is convincing ourselves that we deserve to live without. I want you to know that this year, I woke up with the blues. Because I have less than before. But I also have more than I could ever imagine. Materialistically I mean, I’m still blessed, I have homes, I have items, you know, I have all those things. But man, divorce is hard. I don’t know what’s going to be here tomorrow. I don’t know what I’m going to have to work to get back. I don’t know what messages or emails are gonna pop up on any given day or you know, if my own heart is going to be broken, or if my kids hearts are going to be broken. I do not know what tomorrow will bring. But I do know that I still have a peace that surpasses all understanding. I do know that without fail, love is going to be there beside me. I do know that my babies are happy, healthy and whole. And I can tell you that the joy that I have is overwhelming. And the love abounds.

I have my three sweet girls and my dear Misterfella, right. And all my birthday my family and friends were buzzing my phone endlessly. And all of you showed up to in my DMs and in the comments saying happy birthday. And instead of me thinking for the very first time like this is awkward and I don’t know what to do with all this. And you know, it’s so nice to have all these internet friends you know, an internet Auntie showing this love. But what about the people closest to me? Well, the people closest to me showed me love too and I realized that with all the changes that had happened the holiday was better than before. God is so good y’all. And I want to let you know that for all of you who are coming into this holiday season, maybe dreading the auntie or the uncle that won’t be at the table or even more dreading the auntie or uncle that will be at the table, you know, or wondering if you can handle hosting this year or if you’ll be able to, you know, keep it together. While you remember the dish that doesn’t quite taste quite the same as when mom was here to make it.

And I want you to know that this year for my birthday, my new guy, Alex, he took me out. And it was a surprise and y’all I hate surprises. I hate surprises, because the awkwardness of it all like, what if I hate it? What if it’s no good. And you know, it’s the control freak in me. And he surprised me. And he took me out and there was dinner and a show and just activities and fun. And you know, he took me some place fancy and I was like, This is too fancy. And then he took me to pizza. And I mean it when I think about what it’s like walking down a Los Angeles City street eating a slice of pizza, and holding hands and thinking to myself a year ago, three years ago, I was sitting on a couch alone with a glass of wine, wondering if this is what the next 50 years would bring.

As much as everything is so deeply wrong. It’s wrong. From the picture of what I thought it’s not the table that I thought I’d have this Thanksgiving. And it’s not the home or roof that I thought I’d have over my head. And it’s not the hand that I thought I’d be holding. But you know, everything is so right. It’s so deeply right. It’s so aligned. It’s so exactly who I need to be today, in this moment, to get me to tomorrow, I’m learning what I need to learn to be the person that I need to be. And the same thing applies for you. If the only thing you learn in these difficult moments is that you can get through them and that you can come out on the other side better, and that joy doesn’t disappear and that grief and gratitude can coexist, well friend you’re doing and learning everything you need to know.

Everything may be wrong, but everything is also right. And most importantly friend, nothing is missing. The holidays are coming. I have so much faith in all the goodness that is going to be in the moments even with the hard stuff. So I’m excited to enjoy them with you. Keep me posted and send me pics in the DMs. I love to see what’s happening with you and my little internet nephews and nieces. So friend, let’s keep after it. We’re doing it together. And I’ll see you next week.

Nicole:
Hey, friend. So today, I know I always start off by saying I’m so so excited to chat. And I am. But this particular chat I wanted to come in and kind of do real time. So sometimes I do these and they are like a week or two right before before the time they actually go live to you. But this chat I wanted to do kind of real time. Now, just this past week, I have the joy of celebrating my 28th birthday. Now, I know that so many of you are like what, Nicole? That’s crazy. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you’re 28. You look 25, and just playing with ya’ll.I am a woman of a certain age. However, I am grateful for the many years of life that God has given me. And this past week, I had the opportunity to celebrate my 38th birthday. And it was a really good one. And I wanted to talk about some of the emotions that went along with it and what it’s like to celebrate a birthday when your life has changed, because I think that holidays, often mark whenever you’ve experienced a lot of change. So it’s why whenever a holiday is coming, we argue with our family, you know, like, well, there’s so and so coming or are they bringing the girlfriend or you know, whose house are we having it at?

You know, a lot of the reason why we start having those types of triggered conversations is because holidays symbolize tradition, they symbolize formulas and the formulaic and the norm. And the thing that we often struggle to realize is that life on the other 364 days of the year is far from it. So it’s why come this time of year, you start having those arguments about who’s doing what, who’s bringing what, what does this look like, where are we doing it? And it’s because we all are basing it off of information from a year ago about how we used to do it. But what has happened between that year and now.

So we’ve been having a lot of chats here. And you know that in just the past year, so much has happened. I mean, I am in Los Angeles, which means that this is going to be my first very Christmasy Christmas because for me Christmas is pine trees and snow and all the Hallmark movie stuff and I’m dealing with palm trees, you know, and beaches and all the things that don’t quite associate Christmas to me, but, you know, it’s still Christmas, right? Because it’s not just about what the holiday looks like. It’s about a little baby Jesus, you know, so knowing that it’s just kind of a recalibration in my mind around that change. But the tougher part of it, is that having the holidays, you know, in this situation means that I’m thinking about what’s going to happen with the kids. Right? I have all my babies and I’m their mama and that’s great and we’re whenever we’re together we’re good, right? But just thinking about this is going to be my first holiday without my partner you know without my ex you know, my was-band and that is weird. It’s weird, friend. And that’s what I wanted to talk about today is what it’s like having to experience things that have always been mile markers of holidays and fun and family and festivity. And do it without a certain family member because we, you know, lost them because they passed or lost them because of time and change, or lost them by choice, because we knew that it just wasn’t time for them to continue into the next chapter with us and what that’s like.

So I can’t think of a better way to explain it. Because obviously, you know, this time of year, we’re going into Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, we’ve got these sort of pointed, consistent holidays that we’re all celebrating, including, you know, Hanukkah, Diwali, like all these Kwanzaa like all these different things. But for me, I also have a birthday. And I don’t know if other people tend to experience this but for me, birthdays are not what you see on social media. They are not “Hey, girl, it’s me season” or and the kids, they don’t even say season anymore. They say sZn. They’ve abbreviated it, the hip, Nicole the tick Dockers. So you know it’s me season or people are like, Oh, it’s my birthday month. You know, I just, I’ve never been that person as much as I have a big personality. And I love having fun. And you know, I’m excited and energetic when my birthday comes around y’all who the blues, it’s almost like maybe 48 hours before I start dreading it. And I can even feel my belly flipping talking about it. Now I start feeling it. And I don’t know if some of you guys relate to this. I know a lot of people don’t but you know, this is it’s just real for us weird ones out there, you know, that are feeling it. My belly starts to flip I start getting nervous and anxious about it. I start wondering, oh, gosh, are people gonna like know, how do I keep it quiet, I started dreading all the things that come with birthdays for me. So I’m not excited about how my phone’s going to ring off the hook, I’m gonna get tons of text messages, I start feeling awkward about oh, gosh, someone’s gonna find out, they’re gonna say happy birthday. And then I’m gonna have to respond and be like, Thank you, you know, I start dreading the attention, the awkwardness, and all the things that go along with birthdays.

And I know that sounds crazy, because you know, a birthday is supposed to be a celebration of you, it’s supposed to be a celebration of your life and the accomplishment and maybe even another mile marker. And so it’s not fun to talk about. Because on this day, we’re supposed to say we’re grateful for another year of life, and I am, you know, I am. And, you know, we’re supposed to be all it’s my day, it’s me, but you know, I’m a mama. So it’s rarely my day, at least 100%. You know, and or we’re supposed to be sprinkling wisdom all over and talking about, you know, all the things we’ve learned. And I have to tell you, I’ve tried all those things. But the truth is, I get birthday blues. And the reason I get them is it’s one of the many survival tools that I’ve hardwired into myself. I haven’t celebrated a birthday or had one celebrated with or for me, since I was about 10 years old. And some of that is from poverty. It’s because my parents just

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financially didn’t have the funds to really make a big to do have a birthday. And when you’re younger, you kind of understand that you don’t understand it completely. And you recognize and see your peers, you know, still having parties and gifts and things of that sort. And you kind of wonder why you don’t have them, even though you know that the means aren’t there, but you kind of just don’t quite understand why it doesn’t come together. And what happens is you start tempering your hope, you start minimizing your expectation.

So while everyone else is tossing confetti and throwing around well wishes, you just kind of start to want to hide under the covers until the day of disappointment has passed. Because it’s you know, there’s a tension and there’s awkwardness and there’s anxiousness. And there’s all these things that are happening that are the opposite of what you feel. And frankly, you may feel even a little embarrassed that you’re feeling them and you know, birthdays and holidays are historically just not about you. And this continued into adulthood for me. I can easily say for the past 10 years of my life, 10, 12, 15 years, I haven’t had a birthday celebrated with me or for me. I haven’t had Mother’s days or Christmases or you know the way the holidays went for me were essentially… I’m a big gift giver. So I’ve always been the gift giver. I was the celebrator. I’m the one who watches everyone open their gifts really eagerly and with excitement and I’m always the one who tries to remember even the tiniest mention if you just sneeze a little thought that you like something. I will register it and I’m like, I’m gonna I’m gonna swing back around and make sure they get that and I always want to take these tiny wishes and make them big realities. But I also learned with that, that I shouldn’t get my hopes up that somebody would do that for me. Because you know, if my own parents didn’t do it, I know y’all right now, especially my therapists who are listening are like, Ooh, girl, girl, I’ve worked through it, we’re about to get to the good part.

But I just want to let you guys know that in case you’re unpacking some of this, I really, I know, some of you right now are nodding your head like yes, like, my expectation, especially as a mom, our expectations gets so low, that someone’s going to care for us. Our expectations get so low. If you are the child of immigrants, if you are a minority, if you are a woman, we don’t even realize sometimes how low our expectations are and how we have learned to manage our hope around somebody taking care of us or showing us kindness or acknowledging us. And that is simply because it hasn’t happened enough, we’ve learned to convince ourselves that we don’t need it, because we aren’t expecting it and/or hasn’t been given even when it’s due. And so you basically stop getting our hopes up. So you don’t have to deal with a broken heart. But you don’t realize that you’re breaking your own heart first. And all this while, I know that I’ve grown to say that I’m satisfied with it. I’m okay being empty handed. And I’m okay being forgotten, right. Because what’s truly Christian-like and motherly, and a proud child of an immigrant who’s grateful and thankful is to look at everyone else and all the gifts that they’re opening and everything and just smile down on them saying their joy is my gift.

And I want to let you know that that’s true. It really is like, I am so happy to serve people and to love up on them but that’s only partly true. And it’s only partly true for me. And it’s only partly true for you, friend. I want and I deserve my own joy. You hear me? You do too, friend. You deserve your own joy. You deserve to celebrate yourself, right? That’s important, we should celebrate, we should clap for our own dang selves. That is an important thing we should do. But you deserve to be celebrated too. It’s not okay to sit there and watch everyone open a gift and nobody remembered you. It’s not okay for Mother’s Day to come and go and no one even said thank you. It’s not okay that people forgot your birthday, you matter and you deserve to not be forgotten. And it’s not just in the gifting. Frankly, it’s not even in how many people texted you or how many comments or likes you received. It’s not about the actual little quantifiable, countable actions. It’s about knowing that you deserve them one way or another.

The concern here is not so much that we live our lives, expecting gifts or wanting gifts and feeling like we’re lacking because we didn’t get them y’all nothing is missing. What matters is that you know that whether or not those gifts come, you deserve them. And the concern is convincing ourselves that we deserve to live without. I want you to know that this year, I woke up with the blues. Because I have less than before. But I also have more than I could ever imagine. Materialistically I mean, I’m still blessed, I have homes, I have items, you know, I have all those things. But man, divorce is hard. I don’t know what’s going to be here tomorrow. I don’t know what I’m going to have to work to get back. I don’t know what messages or emails are gonna pop up on any given day or you know, if my own heart is going to be broken, or if my kids hearts are going to be broken. I do not know what tomorrow will bring. But I do know that I still have a peace that surpasses all understanding. I do know that without fail, love is going to be there beside me. I do know that my babies are happy, healthy and whole. And I can tell you that the joy that I have is overwhelming. And the love abounds.

I have my three sweet girls and my dear Misterfella, right. And all my birthday my family and friends were buzzing my phone endlessly. And all of you showed up to in my DMs and in the comments saying happy birthday. And instead of me thinking for the very first time like this is awkward and I don’t know what to do with all this. And you know, it’s so nice to have all these internet friends you know, an internet Auntie showing this love. But what about the people closest to me? Well, the people closest to me showed me love too and I realized that with all the changes that had happened the holiday was better than before. God is so good y’all. And I want to let you know that for all of you who are coming into this holiday season, maybe dreading the auntie or the uncle that won’t be at the table or even more dreading the auntie or uncle that will be at the table, you know, or wondering if you can handle hosting this year or if you’ll be able to, you know, keep it together. While you remember the dish that doesn’t quite taste quite the same as when mom was here to make it.

And I want you to know that this year for my birthday, my new guy, Alex, he took me out. And it was a surprise and y’all I hate surprises. I hate surprises, because the awkwardness of it all like, what if I hate it? What if it’s no good. And you know, it’s the control freak in me. And he surprised me. And he took me out and there was dinner and a show and just activities and fun. And you know, he took me some place fancy and I was like, This is too fancy. And then he took me to pizza. And I mean it when I think about what it’s like walking down a Los Angeles City street eating a slice of pizza, and holding hands and thinking to myself a year ago, three years ago, I was sitting on a couch alone with a glass of wine, wondering if this is what the next 50 years would bring.

As much as everything is so deeply wrong. It’s wrong. From the picture of what I thought it’s not the table that I thought I’d have this Thanksgiving. And it’s not the home or roof that I thought I’d have over my head. And it’s not the hand that I thought I’d be holding. But you know, everything is so right. It’s so deeply right. It’s so aligned. It’s so exactly who I need to be today, in this moment, to get me to tomorrow, I’m learning what I need to learn to be the person that I need to be. And the same thing applies for you. If the only thing you learn in these difficult moments is that you can get through them and that you can come out on the other side better, and that joy doesn’t disappear and that grief and gratitude can coexist, well friend you’re doing and learning everything you need to know.

Everything may be wrong, but everything is also right. And most importantly friend, nothing is missing. The holidays are coming. I have so much faith in all the goodness that is going to be in the moments even with the hard stuff. So I’m excited to enjoy them with you. Keep me posted and send me pics in the DMs. I love to see what’s happening with you and my little internet nephews and nieces. So friend, let’s keep after it. We’re doing it together. And I’ll see you next week.

Nicole:
Hey, friend, we have been having some pretty solid chats week over week but I also want to call out some of the great chats that we’ve been having in my DMs. And you guys have been sending me some awesome messages in my inbox. And I’m just so thankful for how supportive and kind and loving and vulnerable you all have been with me, I have had some conversations with you recently, as I’ve been sharing what starting over is like for me, both in divorce, but also in being a single mom, you know, because I have my kids full time and in starting over just sort of figuring out how I want to enter this world, in this new phase of my life.

And a lot of you have shared that you’re going through your own version of starting over, even if it’s just re entering the world post pandemic. And one of the questions that’s been coming into my inbox a lot this week, particularly after I’ve shared that I’ve, you know, met someone, and I’m kind of, you know, in a much better place, even though I’m still recovering and engaging with this divorce process. But what I wanted to share was the question that kept coming up, which is Nicole, like, how do I even position myself for a breakup? Right, not just a divorce, you know, but if I realized that I have a transitional season ahead of me that I need to move from where I am to where I want to be, what do I do? How do I even get to a place where I can make those moves, you know, whether it’s just acquiring the courage, but also acquiring the steps and things that I need to get to that next place.

And I wanted to touch base on that a little bit. And I think maybe later on in the season, I might tap a couple of my friends who can come on here and chat about some of those actual logistics that you need to have ready so that you’re able to prepare yourself, you know, not just for divorce, but literally like, you know, quitting your job or ending a friendship or anything of that sort. But I wanted to speak to some of the things that I was going through, and have gone through and am going through, you know, we’re gonna keep it real, you know, that really, you have helped me embrace this process. Because even though it’s a process that I did not want, and that caught me off guard, and that, you know, is unexpected, and not how I saw my life planning out at all. I have to embrace it, because it’s here. And it’s easier said than done and it

took me a while to be able to say that sentence. But I wanted to talk about that. How do we embrace the difficult things that are in front of us? And what tools do we need to actually be able to survive this process and even better thrive.

So friend, if you are thinking that you’re in a place where the relationship you’re in right now doesn’t serve you or your future, that’s the first step. The fact that you’re even saying to yourself, you know, what, I have questions about whether or not this is going to be all that I need it to be, so that I can be my best self. And what I found is that that is the first thing you have to reconcile and that question I’m telling you can take you years to answer. So if you’ve been wrangling with that, for the first year of your marriage, like I was all the way through for over a decade, or if it’s just something that’s come up in the past few months in the past few weeks, I want you to know that there’s nothing wrong with having that question. One, it doesn’t mean you’re gonna get a divorce. Make no mistake, I loved being a wife, I am a proponent of marriage. And I am not a quitter by nature. I wasn’t sure if I was in the right marriage early on. However, I was married for over a decade after that. And it wasn’t a not good marriage the entire time, whether it was the right fit marriage, you know, hindsight is 2020. But I do want you to know that I believe that sometimes having questions come up means that you’re able to target the things that you need to know to fix, to possibly be exactly where you’re supposed to be within the marriage.

As a matter of fact, you know, a lot of studies have shared that. If you have a relationship where you aren’t talking about problems, that’s a much bigger indicator that you will get divorced than a relationship where you actually are discussing your problems and having problems because it means that things are in the open. And we’re not being naive about the fact that things aren’t okay. So, so don’t sit there and think that just because you’re even considering what it would look like to make changes in your life, that you are headed for divorce, that may not be the case. But you do need to get answers for how you feel about that. So for me, it took years to get those answers. And that’s part of why it took me so long to actually be where I am today. I was experiencing different things within my marriage and I knew what they were but I always felt like maybe I could change them, which I think is you know, this is my own personal trauma, my own personal trigger and may resonate for some of you. I am such a fixer that is my nature you know call it control freak, call it you know, anxiety, you know, there’s lots of different manifestations of you know what it is I’m being candid about it because it doesn’t serve me too, to be shameful about the fact that I have those attributes. I see a problem, I see someone struggling, I see someone having hardship in their life and I am ferocious about providing solutions, to the point where I need to. And I have learned that I need to mind my business and let people fail sometimes, because that is the best way to serve them.

But in my marriage, it was really important for me whenever my partner would communicate that there was something that needed change, or fix or a struggle, or something of that sort, that I was doing what I could both from a proverbs 31 biblical standpoint, you know, to try to be that checklist of wife, but also engaging in therapy and, you know, moving homes and, you know, creating financial wealth and doing all the things that I thought might aid in creating a better environment. So that’s kind of the first piece, if you feel like there is a checklist of things that could be in the way of helping you really see your marriage for what it may be good and bad. Make a list and get those things out of the way. And the reason I say this is and understand and I should throw out a disclaimer here, I’m not speaking to a marriage or relationship that has physical violence. I’m not speaking to a marriage or relationship that has serious and massive addiction that is unchecked. I’m not talking about a marriage relationship that has severe emotional or financial abuse, or any type of child abuse or anything of that sort. Those are categorically and entirely intolerable. And you absolutely should seek support, there are domestic violence hotlines, you can speak to a peer, you can head to a fire station, you should get help, because those are not safe circumstances for your life and well being and you should leave immediately.

And I say that unwaveringly and without question, I know, it’s not easy to do. And I know it’s easier said than done but your life is worthy, and you are deserving. And if you are in a situation where you are feeling unsafe, and you make plans for what would happen to you, that means that you need to go to safety, just to have the mental clarity about the next steps. And that is something that you should pursue. Now what I’m speaking to is a marriage that is not emotionally or mentally fulfilling, and may still have elements of emotional abuse or elements of anger, or tantrums or mental instability, or narcissism or things of those sort, where there may be an incompatibility issue, or there may be an evolution issue where the relationship is just reaching its expiry, because you’re evolving into different people.

Or honestly, for some people not evolving, you know, that’s, that’s also a very real thing. So that checklist that I’m discussing, really, for me, what that was about speaking from my own experience was, I wanted to make sure that I had done everything. That if my partner came to me, you know, and said, Look, I don’t know about this marriage, I’m unhappy, that I’d be able to look them in the face and say, I got nothing left, I got nothing left. And I don’t know if this is the place that I need to be any more for my well being because I have done it all. And so that for me, that list included therapy that included making sure finances weren’t in the way because you know, the number two reasons that people get divorced is money and infidelity. So being faithful was important to me, as well as making sure that I, you know, that we weren’t worried about finances, you know, and that was something that, you know, wasn’t an issue in our relationship. So I knew that we weren’t arguing about the money. That wasn’t the problem, that you know, all of our needs, you know, in a material sense, at least were being met. So, and of our children as well.

So knowing this, you know, creating the time to be together, all those bullet points, you know, if you find yourself saying, Look, I haven’t really done a lot of these things to the best of my ability. Well, then the next question becomes, you know, well, what does it look like for me to have an ideal life outside of this marriage. And understand that these are all exercises you can do within this within where you are right now. Now, this part, I really, really, really want you to hear me out on. There is a fantasy outside of marriage that will not be a reality. Hear me, friend, the fantasy is not your reality. If you think that you’re going to get divorced, or break up or quit your job, and suddenly become a billionaire, and not have kids and lose all this weight, and finally start that

business and be a superhero. Those things could happen, but they’re not going to happen overnight. You will go down before you go up. You will experience hardship before you experience greatness. You will have a moment in the valley before you reach the mountaintop. And I want to let you know that you will survive all of those hard things because we do hard things well, because it is hard to be in that marriage. It is hard to be in that breakup. It is hard to be in that job. But it is also hard to start over. It’s about which one is fruitful. It’s about choosing the right hard for you. So I don’t want you to glamorize what you think this other world would be like. But also know that you should be honest with yourself about elements that exist there that you do not have.

So for me, when I found myself outside of my marriage, the one thing that I recognized that I had that was amazing and unexpected and priceless to me, even though there was so much that I felt like I’d lost, was peace. I had peace of mind, a peace that was inexplicable, a piece that felt God sent. A joy that was absolutely freeing. I didn’t have a worry or concern about what I’d be able to do in the future, because I felt limited by where I was. I had a peace of mind where I could rest easy knowing that ultimately, as complicated as things were, it would be okay. And for me, that was a tremendous thing where I said, I could never let this go again. That’s how I knew that, you know, moving forward would make sense for me, because I had peace.

After you’ve got a sense on, have I done the things for where I am, and after you get a sense of do I have an idea of where I’ll go, the next piece are just the steps. And I want to give these steps from my therapist, because she told me that there are three things you’re going to need to survive a divorce, if this is going to be the thing that is in front of you. And those three things were this. You’re going to need friends. I have to let you know that difficult relationships, oftentimes, especially if there are anything like mental health issues, or narcissism or emotional abuse, or any of those things that you may be encountering. They can be very isolating. So you’ll find yourself sort of going home and coming back or going to work and doing these things. And really, your family becomes all that you are. And you find yourself spending less and less time with friends, or maybe less time with close family members. And you realize that, you know, your world was very limited to where you were. And for me, I think it was surprising because the minute I found myself in a divorce situation, I was shocked at how much love was around me.

Oh, y’all, I truly did not realize how I wasn’t leveraging the love that God had already put into place. And I do not lack. I lack nothing, y’all in terms of love, and I am so grateful for it. Because I know that that is a true privilege and a blessing. I am surrounded by friends and family. Just abundant, abundant, abundant love. And I want to let you know that friends are a critical element of getting through this time. They will stand in the gap, they will tell you the truth, they will remind you who you are. Because in this season of transition, you will feel like you are losing sight of self. But it’s only because you’re losing sight of who you once were in a situation that did not serve you. So it’s not that you’re losing who you truly are, it’s that you’re stepping into who you will need to be. And your friends can help you be a compass towards that because they see you as your best self.

And so friends are a critical element to and frankly also they help with things like moving or giving you a break with the kids, or you know that phone call or a shoulder to cry on. And you know, my friends already know when I tell you I don’t think I could have gotten through this season without them. And I’m just so so blessed and so thankful for the friends that I have. Another thing you’re going to need without question is a great therapist. Now I know so many of you are like therapy is expensive. I don’t know if I can afford it. I want to let you know there are tools like openpathcollective.org. It is a online resource that helps you find us licensed and certified therapists that often work on a sliding scale sliding scale means that they can adjust their price point to your income meaning you can find therapists who are willing to have sessions with you for as little and I say little but I recognize that money is different for everyone and I want to honor that privilege that I have there. But $30 a session and I know $30 it used to be a tank of gas y’all but you know $30 isn’t a little bit of money. But when you talk about your health and well being being priceless you know it may be well worth spending.

Also if you have health insurance, even if it is a government resource health insurance, there often is a mental health and behavioral services that is an element of that as well that will give you a limited number of sessions you know around particular issues. If you are an employee of a company, there are health insurance benefits said are often there as enhanced benefits that can give you some access to mental health resources. But without a doubt, you know, friends and family are great, but they are not a licensed clinical therapist. And for me, being able to I’ve been in therapy for eight years, and I’m a big proponent of it, but you know, the things that I’ve required assistance with have shifted through the years. Childhood, business, parenting, but you know, in this and also my relationship, but you know, now I’m, I’m really in therapy for the first time as an adult to learn and grow and become who I am as an adult. And therapy has really helped me with that it’s given me language, to define some of the experiences that I’ve had in my relationship and outside my relationship that really has helped me shape my new relationship, not bringing those things in. And also shaped, you know, how I’m going to approach my future, you know, and the people around me.

So therapy is just a huge tool, because it’s such a journey with highs and lows, and you’re going to need it, and you’re going to need to embrace it, honestly. So so many people are in therapy, and oftentimes, we want to dictate how the process goes. And the best way to have effective therapy is to sit in it with humility, to be able to say, Listen, I’m here to grow. And I am here to accept. And I am here to learn. And that means sitting there and sharing a situation honestly as it is, and then allowing that conversation to organically develop in a way that allows you to hear difficult truths. Know that your therapist is never there to cause you harm. And your therapist is never there with an intention to say things that are deliberately going to cause you discomfort, because they want you to feel that. They’re there to be an insightful light based on their professional experience to help direct you to an understanding of self that can help you engage in the world in a way that is meaningful, fruitful and beneficial to you.

So, you know, if my therapist says something to me, where I’m like, Oh, girl, what are you trying to attack me on today, you know, I’m able to say to myself, you know, because I really love and engage in therapy, and I really want to be my best self. Oh, if I’m feeling some type of way about that, that means that she hit on something that I really need to embrace and unpack, you know, and I say that like, oh, that made me feel a feel, I think I need to unpack that. And so you know, therapy is tremendous. And you will need some sort of clinical support. It’s a real must to help get through this time.

And then the last thing that my therapist said you need after friends and therapy is faith. And you guys know I’m a God girl. I say that, you know, clearly and it means that I am accepting because Jesus is and it means that I am loving of you as you are where you are LGBTQIA every letter, every color, every faith, you name it, the alphabet, I love every single interview from your nose to your toes, unwaveringly, as you are. I support you as well. But it also means that I am very clear on the calling of my life and who I answer to and who I belong to. And my faith is driven by the Lord. And I’m so so grateful, because I’ve seen and experienced things that have transformed me, including during this process. And, and I can tell you that having faith, whatever that means for you, even if that’s faith in the future, or a manifestation process, I obviously am a proponent for Christianity, because it’s a language that I understand. But I don’t want to limit the journey that you’re on with your faith and understanding of the world and your experience of it. And I want you to know that having faith means that you are able to have belief outside of self that things can work in your favor.

I really want you to hear me when I say that. It’s critically important when it feels like the chips are down, that you have belief that things will work in your favor outside of yourself. If you think that the world only works, your favor, someone does something for you. Or if you are dependent on another situation, or that you feel fundamentally incapable of good things coming forth. It’s really hard to find the happy in the hard. And you deserve to have that happy. Frankly, you’re going to need it if you’re going through any type of transition or breakup, work career, marriage, you name it. And so having faith at least for me, knowing that after I’ve done everything I can when I rest my head that God’s got it, no matter how it turns out, y’all, I could end up, actually I’m not even gonna speak this over my life. Listen, like I the worst of the worst could happen to me and as long as I have God, my babies and my health, I have everything and having that faith keeps me fueled. It gives me the fuel to keep going, for my babies, for my business for our friendship here. And I want to let you know that I’m not a perfect Christian, Lord knows I’m a hot mess. I’m not perfect in my practice of faith. I don’t always make it to church, sometimes I’m in the balcony, I’m definitely in the overflow parking lot. And you better believe it’s late service. I’m definitely the type of Christian who says a cuss word who, you know, does all the things that we’re supposedly not supposed to do, but he loves me just the same. And I want you to know that faith has truly been something that I’ve embraced and leaned into, you know, especially on those hard days when I just don’t understand how things are playing out. And I don’t know why I am where I am. Faith has really kept me going.

And so friend, I just wanted to have this one to one chat with you, because so many of you have been in my DMs and so we’ve been talking about it, you know, Nicole, how do I know if it’s right to go? How do I know if I need to say how do I get the courage because I know I need to go?

How do I do it? I just want you to know that I’m gonna say the same thing to each of you and I want to say it here today. You are good enough friend, if you stay. You are good enough friend, if you go and it’s going to be hard to stay and it’s going to be hard to go. You just have to choose your hard.

Friend, you are deserving. You are worthy. And you are so so capable of doing hard things well. If nothing else, borrow my belief until you find your own.