Raising Adults

Friends, get ready for a real conversation with the MidTiny (aka Kris) on what kids her age are REALLY looking for from their parents and how us parents can be confident in raising adults.

The topic we cover is so valuable because it’s actually the opposite of what we’re led to believe as parents. Before we dive into that, I’m answering a question from the DMs about when kids should start dating. My oh my, Kris’ answer may shock you like it shocked me!

Ya’ll know I love having my kids on the show and this time was no different! I hope you enjoy the Krissy update plus the wisdom she shares with us.

Let me know what resonated with you by tagging me on Instagram @NicoleWalters. Thank you for being here for this chat friend!

Nicole:
Hey, friend, so you can probably hear it in my voice today. I am so excited about today’s chat and the reason why is because I am not solo. I have a guest here that you are going to love. And how do I know that? Because I love her. Our guest today is my sweet middle baby, the MidTiny, Kris!

Hey, you. I’m so glad you’re here today.

Kris:
Thank you for having me!

Nicole:
Well I didn’t have you, have you. Like not physically, my body’s still right and tight and sweet and snatched. But you know, I had you in terms of on the podcast and in the future. I love you. I’m so glad you’re here.

Kris: Thanks.

Nicole:
Y’all, this is going to be the best chat ever, because it’s gonna be nothing but me making her cringe and you guys will feel the pain. No, y’all, I’m so glad she’s here because we are actually going to dive into some real topics. And we’re going to talk about a couple things.

So the first thing we’re going to talk about is just an update. So if you’re new around here, and you don’t know about them in tiny, and you don’t know about her amazing, incredible life and story, we’re going to touch base on that you can just get caught up, I’m so proud of my babies, that I’m always trying to give them an opportunity to share. But mostly because they are absolutely inspirational. I mean, I am motivated, moved, and I admire them so much. So it’s like an honor, you know, for you guys to get to meet them.

And then after that, we’re gonna dive into talking about a really important topic. So whether you’re a mom or an aunt or a sister, it’s really important that you guys know this and know this may be going on with the kids around you so that you’re able to help them and lean in and be a support and help drive their future in a positive way. And it was something that we’ve talked about, and we’ve gone over and we’ve grown in, and we just thought that it’d be great to take that knowledge to you too.

So it’s gonna be a great one, we’re gonna kick off with “Slide into my DMs” because this topic came in and I was like, I’m not going to answer this myself, I am absolutely going to talk to the person who I think knows the most. So you don’t know about this, Kris, because you don’t listen to my content.

Kris:
Nope. I support from a distance.

Nicole:
You support from a distance. So you support it because my content pays your bills.

Kris:
Yeah. And I support from up close too because I give you hugs.

Nicole:
That is true. I receive. You’re like, how’s that going? I see you did things.

Kris:
I send you memes. Support.

Nicole:
You’re right, I receive it. So just to let you know, and for anyone who’s listening who may not have, you know, was just tuning in for the first time or getting caught up. Slide into your DMs is where we answer your question. So if you ever have any questions for me, you can actually look in our show notes and click on the message function and leave me a voicemail we would love to hear from you. Or you can actually slide into my DMs on Instagram, Twitter, anywhere you see at Nicole Walters. Just slide into my DMs and send me a question.

So this week’s question comes from Brielle and Brielle wanted to know she’s got kids and they are in their teens. So she’s got a 13 year old, a 14 year old, a 17 year old and an 18 year old and she wants to know when is a good time to start letting them date and have those dating conversations. So I’ve got my thoughts. You know, I have thoughts. What do you think, Kris? When is a good time to date? Feel free to lean on your own experiences? Please?

Kris:
I’d say like, 13, 14 is a good age.

Nicole:
Y’all can’t see my face right now. But I am having feels. The other reason I’m having feels is we have another guest here in the room with us and it is the Puffin, my tiny one, who is 10 years old. And she can probably holler, we can hear on the mic holler say hi, everyone.

Puffin: Hellooo.

Nicole:
You see that, she’s here. And so you just said in front of your tiny sister. This little itty bitty one, that in three years? You think she can start dating?

Kris:
I don’t think it would be great. But I know it’s gonna happen.

Nicole:
Oh, Lord, I’ve done wrong. When you think you are doing it, right.

Kris:
It was good. It was good.

Nicole:
I need someone to come save me. I cannot. So on today I have a question. What is today’s date? The ninth? The ninth of June? Yeah. So today on today, June 9 2022. What has happened? You probably know. Oh, you have killed me. You have taken your mother’s life and you have said it doesn’t matter.

Kris:
No, it matters. 13, just because, okay, so pre-adoption.

Nicole:
Okay. Flashback. Flashback.

Kris:
So we’re going to talk about before the war. The before times, yeah.

Nicole:

The before times. For those you guys listening, I am an adoptive mother. I have three littles ages soon to be 11, 20 and 23. So I’ve been a mom for eight years. And this is what we refer to when we say the before times.

Kris:
In the before times, as you know, I had my first boyfriend, Matthew.

Nicole:
Yes, I remember that, we’re not name dropping.

Kris:
Oh cut that!

Nicole:
We’re not cutting. We’re not cutting nothing. Okay. Do you really want to cut?

Kris:
No, no, leave it in there.

Nicole:
[Laughing] Okay. So Matt, I just want to let you know you missed out. And I’m just kidding. Go ahead. So Matthew…

Kris:
Yeah, at age, I think it was like 12. And it was just like, Oh my God. We’re like, besties, but like, you want to kiss? But then it’s like, not really, but sometimes.

Nicole: Wow.

Kris:
Not as much like super like lovey dovey-ness because like, you guys are children calm down.

Nicole: Sure. Sure.

Kris:
Just like, Oh, this is someone that I like spending time with so if feelings grow, like outside of a friendship…

Nicole:
Right. So what you’re saying and I think this should be could be clarified for Brielle, and for any of the you know, people who are listening that basically, you’re saying that that interest in sort of having some sort of boyfriend, whatever, really starts at around that 12, 13 age mark, and then that kind of may lead into having a boyfriend or dating. Yeah, at a later point.

Kris:
Yes. Okay.

Nicole:
So I think that it might be at this point. I don’t know. Is anyone else hot? This is what parenting is like, Yeah, this is what it is. No, I think that I agree with you that it’s important. And it sounds like what you’re saying is parents need to be ready to acknowledge that these thoughts, these feelings, these ideas are going to start occurring around that age because they’re officially teens. You know, they’re not preteens anymore. We’re 13. It’s real. But that we also need to hold space for whatever our rules are, or whatever ideas are and having those conversations because dating may start occurring soon thereafter.

So okay, so I have to clear it up, I guess for Brielle and for me as well, what you’re saying is, yeah, they might like boys, but when is really the right time for them to start going out?

Kris:
Like going out?

Nicole:
See, so also y’all parents note that, you always want to clarify with your kids what they mean, because it’s true, though, right? Like stuff like hooking up. Yeah, hooking up has 15 definitions.

Kris: Yeah,

Nicole:
You know what I mean? So it’s like, you want to be clear on what it means. So dating for you means?

Kris:
It kind of varies depending on what it is.

Nicole:
So you’re saying if you’re like 12 to 14 dating is just, I like a boy.

Kris:
Yeah, it’s just I choose a boy to pay attention to.

Nicole:

Yeah, got it. 14 too 17 is like, Oh, I like a boy but we’re not going anywhere but maybe in school we might hold hands more, it might be more of a thing.

Kris:
Yeah. Or like small dates like, oh, you know, we’re gonna go get ice cream.

Nicole:
Like meet me at the park. Yeah, that type of energy. And then 17 to 20 is like…

Kris:
Okay, go outside.

Nicole:
Okay, like we go to the movies. We’re doing that. Okay, so there is a range, you know, of kind of like what makes sense. So, it’s great to clarify that and I think that may even answer your question Brielle, but for me, you know, as the child of African immigrants, as a very traditional person, dating really had to do with calendars. You know what I mean? It’s a, we, you know, go down to the local supply store and we pick out a calendar, we write a date on it.

So that’s what I think dating is. And y’all are out here playing games with my spirit. Okay. Oh, stressed. Okay. I’m stressed.

Kris:
I guess that’s where the word comes from.

Nicole:
Oh, my goodness. I cannot I cannot do this one. No kidding. No, it’s fine. No, so it’s the truth. And so when did you start dating?

Kris: 12?

Nicole:
Okay. In the before times, I meant like, when did you start going out for dates?

Kris:
Oh, like going out? Yeah. Probably like 17. Yeah. Like, yeah, like, my, like, sophomore, junior year of high school is when it’s like, oh, we’re gonna go and like, go ice skating and then see a movie? Or get ice cream?

Nicole:

Right. And so one of the things I think is worth noting is that was that was an after time was that was with us. And before you started dating, what did it look like in terms of sort of rules, expectations, you know, communication supervision, like what sort of things were in place?

Kris:
It was like, you would take me to the place that we decided to go to. And it’s like, you’d be in the building, but not like up under us. Because it’s creepy. It is creepy. Yeah. But it’s like, oh, we’re going to see a movie. Okay, I’m gonna go see the movie, like next to the theater that you guys right? And then we’ll all meet back around this later. Yeah. Or if you want to go to the mall, then after the movie, we could all go to the mall. And I’ll just like, let you guys walk around for a little bit. But if it’s dark outside, no.

Nicole:
No, exactly. Right. So like, it’s giving them room to explore and know that you know, mom’s still close, if you need anything. So. So I think that answers the question. I thought that was great. And, of course, I think more than anything, it’s important that we all recognize that everybody’s kid is different. You know, and it’s really important to have a conversation with your kid, a conversation with your partner, especially if you aren’t like a single mom, you know, to make sure you guys are on the same page, conversation with any therapist that may be in the room because you know, kids mature at different ages, and their needs are different. And I don’t know about you, Kris, but I feel like this world is maturing kids at a different age. So you know, what may have been 12, 13 for us is getting earlier and earlier. So it’s important to have those conversations.

Kris: Yeah.

Nicole:
Oh, you look a little worried yourself. You’re in a place you’re like, oh my gosh.

Kris:
I was just thinking about Ally. I was like, oh my god, I’m gonna be taking her on dates.

Nicole:
I mean, if you want to take her on dates.

Kris:
Oh, no, I’m gonna be there. Wow. Wow, I’m going to be there.

Nicole:
It’s so funny, because you don’t understand how I feel how I’m like, No, you can’t do stuff. You’re my little baby. But with your little sister, you’re like, oh, no, like I’m gonna be…

Kris:
Because it’s different. It’s different.

Nicole:
See, I love that though. I love that. I love that you guys are close. So Brielle, thanks for sending in the question. I hope that answers it. And more than anything, no matter what you decide, as long as you and your kiddo are on the same page, things are gonna go great.

So y’all we normally do “Don’t make yourself content” where we will pull from pop culture and we will chat that through and kind of figure out how to apply that info to our own lives, but today because I’m so excited to have Kris here in studio, I really want you guys to get to know her better before we dive into our topic today, which is so so good.

So, Kris, tell people about yourself. How old are you? And like, are you in school? Like, tell us a little bit about you.

Kris:
I recently turned 20 years old which is super exciting. I am, would it be a rising sophomore? No rising junior?

Nicole:
You’re basically a junior. I mean, the sophomore year is done, so yeah. It’s wild. How does it feel? Does it feel weird to you?

Kris:
Yeah. Feels weird. Like, you know the thing at the bottom of emails. Yeah. Where it’s like you’re like, oh, you know, you’re like, This is my name. Yeah. You’re like updating it? Yeah, it was like Junior. Oh my gosh, I feel old.

You feel old? Just a little. I remember when he was a wee little baby with braces. Okay. All right. See? See. See this. I feel old.

Kris:
I’m bald.

Nicole:
You are bald. That’s true.

Kris:
By choice!

Nicole:
Yes, by choice.

Kris:
Also, I am a cancer survivor, which is pretty cool. But also super hard and sometimes sad. But yeah, it’s okay.

Nicole:
It is okay. Yeah. So what you may not know is that Krissy is a survivor of stage four Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. A couple of years ago, she was diagnosed and she tackled it and crushed it. And we haven’t had any recurrence. And we thank God for that. And she is out in this world living her best and brightest. So you don’t hear a lot about survivors. You know, they don’t get the walks as much, you know, they don’t get the fundraisers, but they’re out there. And if that is something you’re struggling with, or someone close to you is struggling with have hope because it is possible to have healing. So um, so there’s that, you’re a cancer survivor, which is just one of the many things that’s cool about you.

And do you have a boyfriend? Or are you single right now or…

Kris:
You know, you know!

Nicole:
I’m just asking because you’re just gorgeous. I just know it’s gonna I just want to keep to save my DMs. I just want to say my DMs because all the mamas listening right now are like, well, you know, I’d love to set her up with my son. And so just help me out here.

Kris:
Yes, I currently have a boyfriend.

Nicole:
Oh, you do?

Kris:
He’s very nice.

Nicole: Oh, is he?

Kris:
Yes. Very sweet.

Nicole:
Is he? Yes. Okay. We should have him on the podcast. Maybe? Depending? Depending, why I wouldn’t. I would love to have a sit down with him.

Kris:
We’re very private people. Not really, haha.

Nicole:
I would love to have him on the podcast. We should definitely set something up. Do you think it’s too soon? Or?

Kris:
It feels too soon, but only like, numerically.

Nicole:
Oh, you mean you feel good about it emotionally, but just date and time wise?

Kris:
Yeah. It’s like it’s too soon.

Nicole:
Yeah, you like him? I’ll spare you. I’ll spare you. But yeah, this is like your first like, kind of realish one.

Kris: Yeah.

Nicole:
Nice. Nice. Everyone’s happy for you all the internet aunties. Everyone listening right now is like, Oh, we love it. Oh, we love it. I have met him and he is Mommy-approved. He’s a good one. So very excited about that for you. Congrats. Congrats. We’re excited for you. Because Lord knows my dating life’s a hot mess. So find me one, Lord, if you can do it for her, you can do it for me.

All that said, Great. And happy to have you here. And I know that everyone loves you. Also, you are an entrepreneur. You have your own business. So can you tell us a little bit about that?

Kris:
I sell head wraps online. It started out because it was a product that I used when I had cancer. And it was like, more comfortable for me to wear that or like, it just made me feel good. Yeah. And like, that’s just how I chose to represent myself in the moment.

Nicole:
Sure. Yeah, you were always I mean, you’re always comfortable being bald. Yeah. You already cut your hair before.

Kris:

Yeah, yeah. And that kept me warm.

Nicole:
Yeah. You were very cold. You were also very shivery. So it was like the right thing. So you started Summer Arrow, right?

Kris:
And it’s not only for like cancer patients or survivors.

Nicole:
I wear them. They look good. I wear them regularly.

Kris:
Yeah, it’s just fashion. And it’s just something that I choose to wear. And I think a lot of other people also like wearing them.

Nicole:
That’s true. So she is being modest, y’all. She opened up this business about a year ago during the summer. As legit a side hustle. It was like hey, it’s summer, let me get up a couple products to see if I can start an online business and she crossed six figures within a couple of months. So she’s being modest but she is one heck of a business owner. And I like to say she takes after her mama, you know, but it’s her work ethic. I mean, she is packaging, marketing, writing emails, handling her ship station, her bank accounts. I mean, you truly do everything yourself and I’m so proud of you. You’re amazing. Okay, so all that said, I’m so glad people have a chance to know you. I am ready to jump into our topic. So let’s get going.

Kris: Okay.

Nicole:
So y’all, this is something that I brought up a couple of times, whether it was on live or on social. And every time I bring it up, people are always saying to me, “Oh, my goodness, Nicole, I never knew this. But it is something I am going to address with my kiddos.” And I don’t want to take credit for it because it’s honestly something that came up from conversations I’ve had with my own daughter, Kris. And I can’t think of a better thing, or a better place to bring up this topic of how important it is that you like your children and not just love them.

Kris: Yes.

Nicole:
Oh, Kris, I know. It’s like, this is a biggie. And I first want to kind of put it into context of how this came up with us, basically, what you were telling me was that for in our home, you just come in, you know, throw out your bags, we started talking about whatever the thing is, but you’re saying that with your friends, it’s they come in, they go to their corner, and they may not talk to their parents.

So I asked you, why on earth are these kids not talking to their parents? Like, why wouldn’t they?

Kris:
Yeah. And my answer was because the parents and also the children, there’s a mutual love for each other and respect sometimes…

Nicole:
Sometimes, like, let’s keep it real. Maury was a show for a reason. Let’s keep it all the way real.

Kris:
But like, there wasn’t an understanding and like, just like for your child, and their personality. Like your child isn’t someone that you just hang out with, like, the way you would hang out with one of your, like, older friends?

Nicole: Sure, sure.

Kris:
But for us it is. And it’s like, oh, we’ll just sit on the couch and hang out.

Nicole:
Yeah, I mean, this the way she’s saying it now is how she said it to me then just kind of in a matter of fact way. But I know that for you know, Mama’s sisters, aunties cousins out there. That’s a gut punch. I mean, the idea that our kids could think in the quiet moments when they’re by themselves that we surely love them, but that we don’t like them. Like I even saying, it makes me move to tears, like the idea that you would ever think I don’t like you is crazy. You don’t I mean, it’s something that I actually say regularly where I’m like, I’m so lucky, because I have the best kids. Like, I don’t just love my kids. Like all of them. I actually liked them. Like, they’re people that I would choose to just hang out with if I was not related to them, you know, I like being around them. So you’re telling me that most parents aren’t communicating that vibe to their kids?

Kris:
Yeah. And even like, even when my friends like they told me like, oh, yeah, I’m gonna hang out with my mom tonight. But it would be like something like scheduled. It’s like, oh, we’re doing a family movie night.

Nicole:

Oh, it’s just like, mandatory fun.

Kris:
And it’s just like, it kind of worsens it.

Nicole:
Sure, no, I can hear that. Oh, you only want to hang out with me under these certain conditions? Oh, on their terms. Yeah. So again, that’s a like thing. It’s saying, I don’t want to necessarily, maybe, this is a better way to describe it, you can tell me from right or wrong. It sounds like what a lot of you and your friends I just say this to say that, like we’re talking about the age range of your friends or like what, like 18 to 22 that range, you know, where I think it gets a little tougher with parenting because you are more independent. It’s optional, but you’re definitely stepping into that adulthood, you know, and that relationship is a little different. But it sounds like what you’re saying is a lot of your friends don’t feel like your parent, their parents are interested in them. Like they’re not interested in what they’re doing.

Kris:
Yeah. And if it is, like, some of my friends, like their parents are like, it’s like interest. But like, on a parental level.

Nicole:
Okay, so let’s dive into that more.

Kris:
Oh, yeah, I care what sports you’re playing. I care, like, what your grades are like, and who you’re hanging out with, but only out of like, concern of your well being in, like, concern of like, Oh, are you enjoying life right now? Like, are you happy?

Nicole:
I think that the things you’re saying seem pretty, like, obvious to you. But I think for a lot of people listening this is like a really big lightbulb moment. Yeah. Because I gotta tell you as a parent, we just think that you guys are focused on your own thing and you don’t want us in your business you know, or that you are maybe like we don’t get tick tock or we don’t get you know, whatever cool thing young folk, you know, you’re taking in, you’re talking right? Yep. And and you happen, but if you don’t like whatever it is that you’re interested in your K Poppers, you know.

Whatever those things are, so it’s like we know, we’re not trying to keep up. We’re like, Oh, you guys just want to kind of do your cool thing. So here we are thinking that while we’re kind of busy about our parenting life, like our job is just worry about the checklist. We want to keep you safe. The world is fearful to us. We want to make sure you’re good mentally, but I know that for me, I’m interested in y’all because I just like your stuff. I’m like, tell me the tea who’s dating who like what do you have going on? I like that outfit. Where’d you get that you know, maybe I’m nosy and weird. I guess I did. And maybe because I’m younger.

Kris:
Yes. I was gonna say like the age difference…

Nicole:
Yeah like five years. Yeah, like a huge difference.

Kris:
Don’t, wait.

Nicole:
Yeah, it’s just the fact that I’m only five years older than you.

Kris:
As an accounting major that isn’t the math.

Nicole:
That is not the, look, nobody asked you. I did not pay you to go to school to do that type of math. Okay, ma’am. Okay, the math is not mathing on that. No, but for real I can understand what you’re saying though. It’s that energy of No, I just want to know like, What’s your favorite food? We didn’t want to do this. And so yeah, I want to tell you and I think you’ll remember one of the first things you ever said to me that made me realize I needed to be intentional about this as a parent was when we first got, like full time custody of you. And we were all living together in the same house in Maryland. And I think you were in I want to say ninth grade, or maybe it’ll maybe like early 10th. And I asked you because I asked you guys this often. I don’t know if I ask you as much anymore. But how am I doing as a mom?

Kris:
Yeah, you don’t anymore.

Nicole:
I probably should ask you more. Maybe I’m not trying to hear, like it’s okay.

Kris:
The answer is it’s okay.

Nicole:
That so? Oh, boy.

Kris:
It’s good. No, it’s fine. You’re doing good.

Nicole:
I’m trying my best.

Kris:
It’s a level 10 out of 10.

Nicole:
Oh, thank God. So I used to ask you all the time, like, how am I doing as a mom? Is there anything I can work on? You know, do you have any like feedback, you know, and, and I’ll never forget, when you told me in ninth grade, you were like, Yeah, you know, whenever I first come in from school, you start asking me kind of, what do I have as homework? And can you do this? And then I would kind of like drill into you the list of tasks. And then the first thing you said to me was, it’d be cool if you asked me how my day was, and like, listened. And I was like, Oh, my.

Kris:
Gosh is that how I asked? That sounds mean.

Nicole:
No it wasn’t mean at all. I mean, I asked you the question and gave me the feedback. And it’s, it’s informed how I’ve parented you since then because ever since that moment, I remember thinking to myself, is that really what I do? You know, because, one, it doesn’t have to be a business because I do care about her day. And how do I know if I’m not circling back to ask about her day? Yeah. And then also, if she’s asking me to do this for her, she also probably wants me to be more intentional in like, the listening about how her day is.

So it was always really important to me to not just ask how your day was but to also say, tell me more about that. And oh, what friend and is this such and such and I’ve tried to do that since then. To the point where I you guys kind of make fun of me about how I…

Kris:
Yeah, mom catchphrases. Tell me more about that, is that how you feel? Tell me more. Elaborate.

Nicole:
So it’s funny, because what you may not know, and we’ll reveal it to the masses now is part of why I say tell me why y’all can’t tell I am blushing right now I am actually because I’ve been caught by my kids, right? But the reason why I do that is because I never want to bring in this very good transition to the next part. I never want to bring my perspective or emotion, when I’m just supposed to be listening to how you feel.

Right? So like, if you’re telling me something, whether it’s a feeling about your friends, or something that’s happened or your day, I don’t want to immediately respond and make the moment about me by being like you did what? Or I can’t believe this happened? Or who is that? Like? I’d rather be like, Ss tell me more about that. Because one, more information can help me kind of calm down, if I’m feeling a feeling you know, and more information also can help you think through something if you’re trying to figure out a feeling. So that’s why I always respond that way. Because usually I’m like, Oh, I don’t know how to respond. So you know, but you tell me?

Kris:
I mean, just me personally, and I think for like a lot of kids. Yeah, it’s easier to like, tell a story when it’s like not, like, influenced by other people’s feelings specifically, like your parents feelings. It’s like, oh, how will she feel if I say this, like, say, the next detail of this story? This is gonna really affect our relationship. Well, maybe I just won’t say that part and then you just skip over it. Oh, but then the story doesn’t make sense. And you gotta jump back.

Nicole:
That’s true. Well, not just make sense but also, you may be missing out on valuable things. Yeah, from a parent perspective that’s needed. So I think that’s a great segue. So one of the outcomes of your kids not thinking that you like or are interested in what’s going on with them, is that they may hold back on telling you things that they need information on to inform their life or, you know, frankly, that just might be on their heart.

So do you think that’s like a category thing? Or do you think they’re just not talking to you at all or…

Kris:
I mean

Nicole:
And let’s just keep it real. We do talk about everything, everything and people didn’t see that side of our relationship. Like, we didn’t really show that much on the show that way. So, you know, like, what sort of things do you think that you know, some of the young folk are not talking about?

Kris:
I think they’re, most topics people hold back from their parents. Because like, it’s not that we don’t want your input. It’s just like, if we know it’s just going to be received negatively, and like full of judgment, or like, the reaction that you normally give your kids, it’s like, and I’m not trying to receive that type of energy, I’ll just go elsewhere with the information and get feedback from someone else. But we care about your opinion, right? So it’s like, we want you to listen, and like have some type of feedback, but like, not that type of feedback.

Nicole:
So you mean, it’s like it’s all in the delivery.

Kris:
Yeah, yeah.

Nicole:
And I mean, the thing that I’m hearing, like, Listen, I have, we have our relationship, but there’s also my mom hat is always present, you know, and I think one of the things we do really well in our relationship is I’ll say, okay, Mom had is going on, like, firmly did her name and like, where it’s like mom had never leaves the room. But there are some things where I’ll be like, Listen, this is I’m not playing about this for mom voice, you know, that sort of thing.

But that being said, when I hear some of the stuff you’re saying now like about going someplace else, to get the resources and stuff? Yeah, like, for me, I’m like, I hope you guys are hearing that no matter what your kids are talking to somebody, and that, your kids are talking to somebody. And so what that means is, do you want to be the type of person? Do you want to create the type of space where your kids are coming to you first, or at least in addition, for the resources they need? Or do you want your kids going to anyone and anywhere to get feedback on how to direct their life?

Kris:
Yeah, because it’s like, even if it is like their friend, or someone who has their best interest, it’s like, you’ve been in their life and around them longer. And you might have done the same thing at their age. So

Nicole:
Well that’s a conversation.

Kris:
So it’s just like, knowing like, after 20 years, I made this decision. And the these were like the repercussions of said decision right after a long period of time versus like, oh, yeah, I did that two months ago. And this is how it went for me.

Nicole:
Right? Like, as in like, adults are better resources for long range things. But you know, we need to be the type of environment where someone wants to even use us as a resource. And so what that means, and I’ll let you know, from my perspective is, I know you’re going to come talk to me about drugs, and sex and boyfriends and life decisions and money spending, and all of those things. And what you may not know is all of those things give me heart palpitations. I want to fall out every single time. Every single time. But I’ve gone to a lot of therapy.

Kris: Yeah.

Nicole:
Because I realized that a lot of those things are me issues in terms of my response to it, because the thing that I think we’ve talked about is they’re happening anyways.

Like your friends are already engaging, like usually, by the time it makes it to us.

Kris:
Yeah, it’s like it’s been like a month or two.

Nicole:
Thank you, hear that parents? So would you say it’s fair for all parents out there to realize that not talking about it is not going to keep your kid from it?

Kris:
Yeah, no, definitely not. I feel like it would only keep you from it.

Nicole:
Woah, that is good. Say it one more time.

Kris:
Or keep you from, like how the thing impacts your child.

Nicole:
That is so important y’all not talking about tough topics with your kid will not protect them, or keep them from engaging in those tough things. It will only protect and keep you from knowing about it. Yeah, that’s it right there. That is it right there. So be an environment at least helping guide you know what they’re doing.

So let’s talk about what that looks like. If you’re a parent who hasn’t already built that type of relationship, which we said the foundation of it is your kid just knowing that you are liked. What are some things that work? I know that we talk about everything literally, like, I’m sure I don’t know, all of the things I’m sure I may not know the extent of all the things and maybe that’s one part of his may not be naive to that. But I always tried to say, tell me more about that, or you know, what’s going on with you.

Kris:
So I want to point out, it’s the delivery of tell me more about that. Because, like if someone like takes away from this podcast, oh, I’m sorry, asking my kids tell me more about that. But it’s like, what I said, What do you tell me? Tell me more about that.

Nicole:
That’s a good point.

Kris:
Yeah, not to have judgment.

Nicole:
Yeah, so holding space. So when I say tell me more about that. What does it sound like? I’ll be you, Mom, I’m gonna go steal a car.

Kris:
Tell me more about that. That’s good, softer, and you’ll be like, Don’t murder anyone. So where? Where’s this car coming from? And can you tell me more about exactly what you are intending on doing? What makes you feel like you need to steal a car, Kristina? And I’ll be like, I’m just feeling rage. You’re like, what is the feeling under the rage?

Nicole:
I will say that what is the feeling behind the feeling? God, I am insufferable. I am the worst, gah, I can’t stand myself. I am tired of me. I am exhausting. No, I appreciate that. But it’s true. I see what you’re saying. It’s all about how it sounds. Like the whole thing really is about judgment is just that, you know, when were younger, and I think mamas, we did our own stuff, too. You know what I mean? We know that we are not, we weren’t always baptized is the way I’m going to describe it. Okay, there was a time before we were saved. We engaged in our own lives. And knowing that we also know what it felt like and what it even feels like now.

I’m gonna be completely honest, some of the stuff that I do, it’s embarrassing to say now as an adult. So imagine what it’s like when you’re a tiny human who’s newer to the world with big feelings, to want to go to your one person and say stuff and you’re terrified that they’re going to be like, I’m not going to like you anymore, or like you at all, or they’re going to say you’re a mess up, or you screwed up. Or this is terrible, when ultimately, all we really want is for them to be safe and happy and whole. So all that being said, let’s say a parent doesn’t have that relationship now and they’re listening and maybe they’ve listened to this with their little, you know, which if they had, hey, let’s just call this team fresh, clean start, you know, and y’all just start chatting.

But if they haven’t and they’re thinking they want to kind of get back in there. What do you think is the best approach? Is it a go to them right away and say, let’s talk, you know, or does that feel too pressured? Or is it kind of like just going in and being humble and being like, let’s hold space? Like what do you think?

Kris:
Since everyone knows the feeling of like, having like embarrassing stuff, and like not wanting to tell you, like everything that you’ve withheld from your parents? Is everything that your child is withholding from you.

Nicole:

That’s a terrifying notion. And none of us feels good about that. That’s the truth.

Kris:
And just like, imagine what you would want your parent to say in order for to help you feel more comfortable when you have to bring up those topics.

Nicole:
Oh, that’s so so good. I know that if I think about what because I’ve talked about my parent relationship, you know, on this podcast, and how like, I didn’t have a dad that I could really talk to and that I felt safe bringing anything up with. And if there was anything, I think I would have wanted, it would have been less the I literally would not have wanted them to come to me and been like, hey, so are you having sex like that would have freaked me out? Because it would have felt confrontational.

Kris: Yeah.

Nicole:
It would have been frightening. It makes my stomach flip right now and I am grown like, so it’s like super uncomfortable, I think I would probably have wanted more of an how I think I would have approached you, I think is how I’ve approached you is just kind of about every topic is just kind of, hey, if you need to talk about this, or anything, I just want you to know, like I’m here. And I’m here to help you with whatever decision you want to do, I think I say that a lot to you is just to help kind of extract the judgment from it, which is, look, I want to give you all the information, I want you to know that these are the choices that exist. And you can come back to me and ask, but whatever choice you make, this is where I can help you.

If you decide to make a choice outside of that barrier. I just want you to know that you’re going to absorb everything that goes along with that too. I think, does that sound accurate? I’m not making that up. You can call me out.

Kris:
I think that is very accurate. Like when we are talking about life choices and what I decide to do. You don’t just like, you don’t only tell the bad parts to put in, you’re like…

Nicole:
To freak out.

Kris:
Yeah, like your perspective, because it’s like, oh, yeah, you could do these things. These are the bad things. But also, here’s the good things. And it’s like, they don’t really balance out but choices are choices.

Nicole:
Yeah choices are choices. And it could be better than then we hope you don’t I mean, like so let’s use an example. Because I think real world examples always help people. You came to me recently, and this is something that I don’t think I told you that the time was tough for me, but I accepted it. You came to me recently and told me you were thinking about moving out. And I remember, you know, it’s kind of a running joke sort of on my social and you know, the TV show and stuff that I want you to move out, but the truth is, and I think every Mama knows this, I would have you up under me till you were 45 You know what I mean? Like you are my baby. I am all for it. I’m not taking a little boyfriend of yours. Awesome, but I would keep you right.

So, when you came to me, it was tough because I was triggered like, I had my feels, you know, my feelings were, am I not a good mom? Does she not like being here? What did I do wrong? Like, that was my personal junk. But I knew that I needed to hear more about like, what is it that you want to do?

Kris:
I’m glad you didn’t express that. Because Oh, really, because I was already nervous about like, moving out and like telling you like, oh, I want to move out. Sure. Because I’m like, Oh, she’s gonna feel like, I don’t love her anymore. And I’m just gonna go outside and be crazy, do hood stuff with my friends.

Nicole:
That’s so interesting. That’s how you’re feeling? Yeah. I would have felt that way. But I know you did.

Kris:
Yeah. It wasn’t like that’s my feeling. Yeah, it wasn’t.

Nicole:
That’s not the truth of it. You know what I mean? It’s just how I would feel, you know.

Kris:
Yeah. And it’s like, a conversation that we had later on. But it wasn’t like in the moment you didn’t make the Oh, Krissy wants to move out about Oh, mom feels like this, because Krissy wants to move out.

Nicole:
Right. Right. I think how did that conversation go? I think the next thing I said was, okay, so I think I probably said, Tell me more about that.

Kris:

Yeah, you were and then I was like, oh, yeah, you know, just thinking because of like this, this and this thing I want to move out. But I still want to be like close to home. And you helped me like… what’s that word?

Nicole:
Like know all your options? I put options in front. Here’s what I recall, I remember saying, if you want to move out, great, you can move on campus, you could get a place, you could do this. You could stay home, you probably want to run some math on that.

Kris:
Yeah, basically, like strategize according to what I personally wanted, when it came to like, oh, the feeling of moving out.

Nicole: Right.

Kris:
And you know, it was just nice, not having like judgment around it.

Nicole: Sure.

Kris:
Because I already know that like moving out is like a thing.

Nicole:
Yeah, it is. It is a thing. It is a thing. And so for those guys listening, I want you to know from the mom’s side of it and presenting that it’s hard, because you’re basically trusting that your kid will make the right call. And you have to accept that if they make a different call, right call doesn’t necessarily mean your call, but you’re hoping that they make the right call for them. So whenever I present all the options to my kids, I try to be as honest about it as possible. But I try not to push them one way or another because I have to trust that I have raised good kids. So there’s no way that you can say that you both have raised good kids, but you also are judging all their decisions. If you think you’ve done a good job, let let the good job show.

Kris:
Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole:
So I mean, like, I can honestly tell you, Kris, one of the things I’m so proud of with you is that whenever I put things in front of you always you don’t always make the decision I would make. But you always make a decision that I think is smart, well informed, properly planned, and something that you can live with and you’re willing to accept responsibility for. So I’m always really proud of you for that. Like in the moving out situation, you decided to it was a kind of a compromise, like, I’m going to stay home, but I’m going to revisit this later, I think was the decision.

Kris: Yeah.

Nicole:
And but we’ve had times where I think even during your chemo treatment, there was a question about your care. And, and I was like this decision is yours. And what I did was I made sure you understood it, you know, I like what they were saying and all of the pieces, and you actually went in a direction that was completely different from what I would have done, you know, but you said you felt safe and comfortable to do it. Do you regret it?

Kris: No.

Nicole:
Yeah, exactly. So I mean, it’s like, I think that a lot of times as parents, we worry so much that we want to control our kids’ decisions. And we forget that if you’re able to just at least inform them and let them have the decisions in front of them. If you’ve shown up and put your good stuff in them and been a great example, like they’ll choose what’s right. And if they don’t, they’ll figure it out. Because you’re not my only kid, right. And I’ve got kids who decide to do what they want all the time. And they’re living their choices.

Kris:
Life is gonna be hard either way so just be a good parent so that you can help your child navigate through whatever hard they choose.

Nicole:
Oh, that’s so good. And I think we can close on that note. Oh, my goodness, Kris, I’m just I’m trying to have a super mom moment. You know, Hi. Um, you know, I’ve oh god if you guys can see her face. She’s just like CRINGE CRINGE, I just love you so much and I am so proud of you and I am so grateful.

I say this all the time I say it to you, but it is such a privilege to get to be your mom. Like I can’t even believe you allow me to do this and it has helped me grow because I’ve had to learn patience [laughing] and that has served me well in a lot of places. But I also have a good time with you you’re like one of my best friends and I love hanging out with you and I’m excited to see what the future holds. Thank you for lending your knowledge and your gifts to everyone listening and y’all send my baby well wishes you know, and I hope that this helps all of your babies as well. Thank you so much for being here and listening and next week is going to be good too.

 

In this episode, Kris and chat about:

• When teens should be allowed to date and what Kris did in the “before times”
• What kids are wanting from their parents and how it may not be what you think,
• The tough conversations we have to have when raising adults,
• How to connect with your kids without being judgmental, even when it’s hard, and
• An update on what Krissy is doing in life!

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook and Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss episode 30 from season 1 where I talk about MidTiny’s cancer journey
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

From Surviving to Thriving

Friend, we are getting in to it in this episode! From how to go from surviving to thriving, to discussing some Real Housewives drama, to a lesson on confidently making moves in your life, this episode is a chat you won’t want to miss!

If you’ve been functioning on autopilot lately, you are not alone. Today I want to give you three steps to getting out of that survival mindset so you can be present and thrive in your daily moments. All of this ties into the second half of our chat where we’re talking about how to know when to make moves in your life and when to stay where you are.

Thank you for being here friend! Continue sending me your questions either through the DMs or by recording me a message HERE. Talk to you soon friend!

Nicole:

Hey friend, I am thrilled for us to chat again this week. We have got some big things to talk about, not just with what’s happening in the world. But a lot of you have reached out to me saying that you’re going through transitional seasons of your own, whether it is in your work, or your relationships or your parenting. And I’ve got some really good stuff for you today that we’re going to use to help us move forward.

But before all of that, I wanted you to know how much I have enjoyed hearing from you. You guys have been leaving me the best voice messages with the most interesting questions. And it’s just been so much fun every single week to come back and give you the answers based on what I’ve got. So keep those messages coming, you can find a way to leave me a message in our show notes right below. And of course, you can always slide into my DMs anywhere on the internet @NicoleWalters, I love to hear from you. So keep it coming.

This week’s message comes from Diane:

Hey Nicole, I hope all is well your way. I know you recently shared your heart and your current season of life and the things that you are going through. And I just want you to know that I can probably speak on behalf of everyone that we collectively as a group are rooting you on are cheering and praying for you and truly hope that the Lord continues to work in the way that He knows best. You are loved. And we value our friendship through social media, even if we’ve never met in person. And I say we as in us followers, but my question to you is what to do when you are operating on autopilot.

I love y’all. Before I get into Diane’s question, I just want to say, I know that we often feel like the internet is this big mean place where we’re almost seeing the worst of people because everyone wants to be a keyboard soldier. Right? You know, we’re hidden behind this veil of technology and so sometimes the worst of us is what presents itself. And I have to tell you, that hasn’t been my experience. And I’m so grateful for it thus far.

You guys have always been so loving and so supportive. And while I know as we always say, you know, we haven’t met in real life, when we do meet in real life, I mean, it is all like hugs, laughs and high fives and I appreciate that. Because truly and authentically, I wish the best for you. And I know that you guys wish that for me and our littles and it’s just really nice that we get to be real, regular people, or sometimes the internet can feel so strange. So thank you for your sweetest messages, especially from you, Diane, you are so deeply loved. And thank you for that.

Now, to answer your question about operating on autopilot. First and foremost, y’all who isn’t operating on autopilot right now?! It has been bananas, I almost feel like with all the chaos and craziness in the world between pandemia between trying to still like keep things functional for our families. And also, as this world has created sort of shifts within itself. We are all kind of just responding to what the world is giving us which lends itself to an autopilot format. So I just want to affirm not just for you, Diane, but for everyone, that is a really normal and consistent feeling that I hear echoed with many including myself.

So let’s just do the first thing which is, you know, kind of give ourselves a little bit of freedom in knowing that we’re not the only one now, I can break this down into three simple categories. And they’re a combination of not just my own experience, but a lot of what I’ve learned through therapy.

It’s really simple. Write this down if your note taking inclined. Getting out of autopilot breaks down into three things, Grace, space, and getting present. Grace, space and getting present. It is so easy to go through the motions of life and not feel like you’re operating with any intentionality. Now, it is okay for a brief amount of time, especially in response to trauma or chaos, or frankly, just to get through hardship, to operate on autopilot to kind of go through the motions to get by and get along. Frankly, that’s our body’s way of protecting us from fully absorbing some of the seriousness of certain situations, because we really do only want to handle what we can handle.

And I gotta tell you, it’s just a simple example, when my middle baby, who’s now 20, and I just can’t even wrap my head around that. But when she was 17, she was diagnosed with stage four cancer and you can listen back to some of the episodes in season one, where I talk about that journey. And for the mamas who are listening, who are either new to this community, or have been here for a while, but maybe miss that moment. She’s fine, she’s healthy, she’s healed, the cancer has not come back in Jesus name, and never, ever will. But all that being said, you want to talk about an autopilot season, girl, I had one.

It was a season of, let’s make it to the appointments. Let’s believe that God has the final say. Let’s lean in on, you know, hitting our checklist in terms of meds, in terms of health choices, in terms of eating and support. I mean, I had no time to really sit and marinate on any specific moment, because it was about one step after the other. And I know in describing this, a lot of you are nodding your heads in your kitchens, in your cars, while working out, where you’re like exactly girl, it is literally about just sort of feeling like I’m staying ahead of things. That’s what autopilot is. Now, understand. And I think this will really connect for you.

That behavior, that mindset, that sort of processing makes a lot of sense when you’re dealing with difficulty. Where it doesn’t make sense is when you are in a season where you’re really trying to hit goals, when you’re really trying to make certain progress towards things when you’re really trying to shift to a new place or a new level. And where it becomes a problem, and I think Diane, that this is what you were referencing, is when you go from one season into the next without shifting from autopilot.

When you are going through struggle and now you’re meeting these new moments where the struggle kind of is past you, but you’re still in survival mode. And that’s where grace, space, and getting present makes a difference. So in that order, the first part of grace is simply saying to yourself, hey, I needed to be an autopilot. Instead of looking at it like a bad thing instead of beating yourself up because you’re like, what did I even do in this last season? It was a blur. How did I miss things? Give yourself grace, you’ll hear me say it all the time. I don’t even know if we can have a chat and sit down without me mentioning grace. And the reason why I do it all the time is because of who you are.

You’re like me, you have an inclination to be hard on yourself, because you carry so much for so many people. We’re the type of people that always want to be our best. We’re always looking to be more. It’s why we have these chats. It’s why we meet here. We’re not sitting around absorbing the nonsense. We’re here saying how can we improve? How can we show up as our best version of ourselves, but that also lends us to being a little hard on ourselves. So it’s why you always hear me say grace, grace, grace. So if you had to operate an autopilot, which you likely did, give yourself grace for doing what you needed to do mentally to survive and hit your marks during that season. It was allowed.

Now space, space means recognizing that you as an individual require space and peace in order to shift from survival mode into thriving mode, there is no way that you’re going to be able to get from one to the other. If you don’t take a moment to pause, reset and recalibrate where you are. And what does that pause look like? It may look like doing what I love to call a self care sabbatical. It’s taking a day or two, it can be in a local hotel, a local airbnb. Or girl, it could be in your basement with a door lock and some snacks, okay? It’s literally just saying to yourself, I need a couple of days where I can one, mourn, grieve, and really take some time to understand and internalize the season I was just in.

You cannot move into a new season without taking time to acknowledge and reflect on the season prior that lets you extract the lessons. But it also lets you apply closure to the fact that you did have to be in survival mode for a reason. So many of us in dealing and coping with the pandemic have really been in a season where we’re just so eager to move forward, that we haven’t taken time to absorb what has happened to us, what was lost, what changed and celebrate the fact that we survived and we did whatever we needed to do to get past that point to get to where we are today. So taking time in that first bit of space to say look, I did it. And I’m here now and I’m acknowledging that I’m ready to move forward.

Now the second part of that space is the planning. It’s being able to say to yourself, look I’m setting this season of survival behind. I’m moving forward to getting out of autopilot. What is it that I want? Where do I see myself, and what resources and tools do I need to actually get there? That’s the second portion of it. But understand, you can’t do any of that thinking, if you don’t create an environment with a simple moment of quiet and peace to be able to do so. Now, it’s not lost on me, that we have lives, and work, and littles and a million things pulling at us all the time. I want to let you know that you are a necessary priority. You will not be able to serve all these things you’ve committed to if you don’t take the time to prioritize yourself.

So I’m letting you know that this is a worthy endeavor. This is an exercise that is fruitful and meaningful. I need you to take the space to get yourself out of autopilot. So Diane, I hope that really connects with you. Now, the last portion of this and this is critically important. And it kind of ties into that space part is, in order to move forward, you really have to reset and flip the switch on your inside. And it’s called getting present. And this actually comes directly from therapy. And a lot of you may not know this, but it’s a real psychological, neurological thing. We have a tendency to disassociate, whenever we’re going through trauma. Disassociate means kind of checking out. We pull ourselves out of it and while we’re still able to operate in a routine robotic way, mentally, we are not present in that moment, we are not absorbing the full impact of what we’re doing.

Here’s a simple example of how disassociating happens in your everyday life. Have you ever been just leaving work, leaving home, leaving church, leaving the office, and your brain is set on your destination, so you hop in the car, you get to driving, and you may be listening to music, but your brain is just sort of operating thinking about the checklist, think about what to do think about the next step thinking about the destination. And as you’re going you miss your turn, or you blow past the exit, or you forget that you needed to also stop and pick up the dry cleaning or a prescription. That’s what disassociating is. It’s that you are so autopilot, that eventually you just blink and you have arrived where you are and you can’t believe that you missed the exit or the turn or the one or two stops. And you’re like holy cow, I don’t even know how I got here.

I want to let you know that. What we’re always aiming to be as the best version of ourselves is present. Being present in the here and now is the healthiest place to be. You don’t want to live in the past, and you don’t want to live in the future. Because all that really matters is today, today is what you can control, today is what you can operate and grow within. So if you’re spending a lot of time thinking about what happened before, well, I don’t know how much that serves you. Unless you’re doing it briefly to really extract lessons to apply to your future and your present. And if you’re spending a lot of time worrying about what’s to come, well, that doesn’t make much sense, because who knows what’s to come!

All that really matters is staying as present as possible. And there’s some simple things you can do to help you do that. The first one is counting. I know that sounds crazy, but it is a real psychological tool. If you find yourself drifting and spending a lot of time thinking about things that stress you or worrying about the future, count. Counting numbers and thinking in a very methodical way actually helps you get back to the present, talking to yourself within counting and saying, look, I am in Los Angeles, I am in a podcast studio, I am talking to my besties on the internet. I am sitting in front of a microphone, it’s kind of warm in here. I’m wearing a sweatshirt, it’s kind of itchy. When you think of things like that. It reminds you of the here and now and it almost yanks you back into reality. I have to let you know it’s a simple solution that really helps with anxiety about the future. And it also helps with coping with some of the emotional things of the past. It’s not a perfect solution, therapy helps, prayer helps. You gotta have both, right? You need your pastor and a therapist. Amen. But it really does help you in those brief moments when you’re by yourself to get present again and it kind of yanks you out of autopilot mode.

And then the last part is just intentionality, really saying to yourself, Okay, what is my goal in this moment? Not today, not 10 years from now? Not tomorrow. What is my goal in this moment? In this moment, what am I doing? I’m talking to my besties we’re sitting down, we’re having a chat. I’m catching up. I know that our chats are not like some other stuff you listen to. This is really just two friends catching up every week. I love it because it feels like our weekly phone call. Where I’m like girl, let me tell you what happened. This has been so crazy and I have to let you know it’s so meaningful to me that we get to even do this and nothing keeps me more present than being able to check in with my friends weekly.

And I want to let you know that in every moment, I want you to do the same thing. So right now, you can simply take a breath and say, What am I doing right now? I’m sitting with my friend, Nicole. I’m catching up on what’s happened to her this week, and seeing kind of how she’s shaping things for the future. And maybe she’s got one or two good words that I can take away and create a better week for myself. I feel good about it. I know I’m gonna leave here improved. And I’m excited that I get to do this all the time.

Super simple, kind of takes a weight off, and really helps bring you to the moment we’re in and I hope for you, feels really good. So, Diane, as you’re trying to figure out how to shift from survival mode and autopilot into being more present, and engaging in the good life that we have in front of us. Just remember, grace, space, and getting present. You’re doing great. Thanks for reaching out.

So friends, if you are like me, you indulge a little bit in some pop culture stuff. I know, I know, we should always be doing personal development, self help, you know, reading our spiritual edifying positive things that help us grow. But once in a while, I just want to pop on Bravo and watch some trash, okay? Haha, it’s just the truth of it. I need my moment to disconnect. And frankly, watch other people be a hot mess so I can forget my own hot mess. Am I right? So that said, I don’t know about you. But if you are a real housewifer, or if you have been keeping up with some of the latest and the greatest of the shows, there is a behind the scenes thing happening right now with Miss NeNe Leakes. She is one of the stars of the Real Housewives of Atlanta’s franchise. Now, she hasn’t been on the past few seasons. And that is actually the point of contention. So just letting you know, just to keep up with it. Essentially, she, many seasons ago, I want to say two or three parted ways with the Real Housewives of Atlanta brand. And essentially, that was initially announced as a mutual parting. Meaning she said, I’ve kind of closed this chapter of filming of my life and the network said, thanks so much, please be on your way. We’re doing our separate thing.

But very soon thereafter, and when I say soon, I mean, within weeks, it escalated into, they asked me to leave, I didn’t want to be here. We could not agree on contracts. And the network said, Okay, well I cosign that as well. We could not agree on contracts. But again, it’s a mutual parting. You know, we’re separating. And then within a couple of weeks, another version came out, you know, where both parties were. At this point, actually, I think the network really wasn’t commenting anymore. But NeNe Leakes, the character on the show, I say, character, she’s playing herself, but you know, the character on the show, because lord knows reality TV ain’t real. You know, she was stating that 100%, she was asked to leave it was contentious and negative, that there were negative experiences and she started really relaying a lot of the challenges that she’s felt in dealing with the network and with the brand over the, I think it’s honestly been 10 plus years that she’s been working with them. So really a decade of filming and working with the network and just the highs and lows and some things that she said are actually quite salacious and maybe a little scandalous and discriminatory.

So all of that being said, it did not result in her being reinstated to the show. It also did not result in the network making any real statement outside of you know, she’s no longer going to be welcome. And all of this played out over the course of a couple of months. And, frankly, I will say that it became pretty clear between the blogs and the, you know, outlets, that NeNe Leakes was being painted as being someone very difficult to work with. And, you know, she had a lot to say, Now, as you know, and don’t make yourself content, I am not sitting here trying to judge who is right and wrong, because I just do not like playing jury when I know for a fact having been on both sides of the camera, I have created my own content and I’ve also been filmed for content with my TV show on USA Network.

So I know what it’s like to have your brand portrayed the best it can be and I also know what it’s like when things are inaccurate. So I try not to get into the judgment because I understand it. But what I will tell you is that we always use this time to talk about what can we learn as everyday people from these experiences. Now, the first thing I want to let you know is right now this is still ongoing. So we’re talking years after a parting of ways there’s still conversation being made as NeNe has now brought a lawsuit against the network saying that there has been racism and discrimination and and it has drastically affected her ability to make income and continue to work in her field of media and entertainment.

And we haven’t heard much from the network, which doesn’t surprise me, because that’s probably a legal move. But we’re gonna see this continue to play out over the coming months, you know, as the legal proceedings move forward. But what does that mean for us? Well, the first thing, I think that we can learn from this because she, you know, Nene claim she has been sort of blacklisted from working anywhere now is, you may be right. In a certain situation, I think all of us have been in situations where we felt like we had been wronged. And we actually had to keep it private, because of the fact that it may affect our ability to work in the future.

I know that being in LA, there’s nothing I’ve learned more than how small this city is. Everyone has worked with everyone. I mean, you all I could tell you, and I probably will at some point, some stories of how I have been on set. And I have had people tiptoe around me. It’s actually kind of funny when I think of it because whenever I’m booked to work anything, I mean, y’all know me, but a lot of the people who come and work with me may be working with me for the first time. And when I say that people I mean like makeup artist or production assistants, production assistants are people who may just sort of their extra hands on set. So their job is to maybe if you have a need kind of meet that need, would you like a sandwich? Would you like some water? Where’s your hat, you know, like, whatever.

And you all it is precious, because these are all babies, they’re like in their early 20s. And they are just so excited to be being in the industry. And they really want to make sure they don’t do anything wrong because they don’t want to get fired. So it’s crazy, because people will tiptoe around you. And y’all know that I am probably the most regular like, I mean, literally I have been chastised on set by my manager and agent because I’m like, oh, yeah, no, I just wanted to make sure everyone had food so I was cleaning it up behind me. And they’re like Nicole did listen, I know you’re from this. I know you’re old school, you do not need to clean up here, you do not need to sweep. You do not need to stay and help fold stuff. And I’m like, Oh, but I got hands.

And these production assistants are like, I mean, no joke. If I say Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t even mention that I wanted like sparkling water instead of cold water, or just do you guys have sparkling water? They’re like, I am so sorry that I did not bring your sparkling water. I will find that for you. And I’m like, Oh girl, if you don’t have it, it’s fine. Like, I just was curious if you had it because it seems like you have a lot of options. But if you don’t like I can drink regular water. They will literally be like sweating bullets and in tears because he don’t want to make the talent mad. So I want to let you know that this is literally how it is out here. And it’s because of the fact that they never know if you may be the person who books their next gig or they never know if you’re going to be the person who eventually is going to be the crazy pants superstar that could change their life.

So they’re always like really careful about who they work with. And the reason this relates, I think to all of us is we really have to be careful about how we treat our relationships, whether it’s in work or in church, or in school, or whatever, because you never know who somebody is going to be. And if nothing else, we all have value and worth in this world. And I think a lot of this is something that we may forget as we start to ascend through the ranks, and we start to be elevated in our status. Now I’ve always been one where I’m like, God blessed me with a platform and Lord knows he could take it tomorrow. So you better believe that I’m going to treat with humility and grace, this opportunity I have to show up in any room. Because you know, as soon as I start acting all big and fancy pants, God is gonna sit my butt right at home.

So I will always be wide eyed and surprised and grateful to get a chance to even be anywhere. But with that the people who get to be in the room with me as much as they may look at me and say oh, that Nicole might be the next fancy pants whoever, look that production assistant could be the next person who has a super duper platform that I’m hoping to get on. Because that’s really how the world works. You never know who’s going to be elevated. And I think and this is just my perspective, and I think you guys may relate a little bit too but I think Miss Nene may have forgotten a little bit of that.

And she may not realize that even if she may be right, and y’all understand discrimination, racism, all of that is very real, particularly in the entertainment world. There is a lot of ickiness out here that is long standing and has been around for years and is not being routed out, it is well understood. And I think that there could very well be some legitimacy to the experiences that NeNe had, because people’s feelings are valid, and they’re usually rooted in something. So I don’t want to take away from her claims and her experience. But you better believe that even if you may be right, how you responded to things, how you may have treated people while you were there, that may be a factor in why you’ve been blacklisted.

So when you felt that you were wronged in choosing to not handle that, as she’s handling it now, which really is more professional press releases, it’s more professional legal moves, things of that sort, instead of just kind of going to the media and going live on the internet and getting on social and sort of being insistent on getting the world in your favor, rather than doing things in a methodical way. Well, that may be part of why other people don’t want to work with you. You know, it’s because you may have chosen to share your grievances, share the things that make you upset in a fashion that made people not interested in continuing to work with you, because they’re like, look like, we know, we’re gonna get things wrong.

And I think that’s what a lot of us forget, everybody knows they’re gonna mess up. It’s how is this person going to react when I do. I tell my team all the time, you know, because I run a company inherit learning company, and we have, you know, 16 employees at headquarters in Atlanta, you know, I’m a CEO and a boss of that. So I’ve got people every single day that are working with me and working with my clients. And I gotta tell you, I know they’re going to make mistakes, the thing that we always talk about are reversible and irreversible decisions.

If you make a mistake around something that is irreversible, and you chose not to ask and use your resources, you didn’t want to get any approvals. You just kind of move forward with that, then yeah, you can probably expect that there’ll be a response, not just from me, but from HR, things of that sort. But it’ll always be respectful and maintaining the dignity that you deserve.

Now, a reversible decision? Well, if you make a mistake around something like you’re scheduled the Zoom call wrong, or you may be sent something in the mail that didn’t need to go there and we’re able to fix it, well, look, nobody’s gonna fly off the handle or lose their head about that. Because ultimately, we are bound to make mistakes. So being able to approach your work life or your parenting or your relationships, keeping that in mind, is this something that’s really a battle that’s worth fighting? Well, that matters.

And I think in Hollywood, a lot of times you see people who are flying off the handle about something like their outfit, or their shoes, or their makeup, or their, you know, green room or their and if you guys a green room is like your dressing room, or you know whether their water is sparkling or flat, you know, and they’re treating it like an irreversible decision. And that’s where people start really saying, Gosh, if I have a choice of all the people in the world to work with, do I want to work with them again? Probably not. How you respond is everything.

And then of course, there’s a big difference. And I think this the big one that we’re all learning right now, in this sort of internet world, there’s a big difference between public accountability and private resolution, public accountability over private resolution. Now, it doesn’t mean that in order to get to a solution, we don’t need a little bit of both, but my word, our quickness, to run to screaming for public accountability, meaning I want an apology, I want an acknowledgement, I want you to lay on the altar of forgiveness in front of the masses, in order for me to feel like my emotions are rectified and validated. Oh, goodness gracious, if that’s what you’re requiring from others, especially a massive network that has more money than most of us will ever see, well, you’re gonna be waiting a long time for that. It’s gonna have to be a situation of compromise, and that compromise is usually reached through private resolution.

Now, in private resolution, you usually can end up creating a space where public accountability will occur as well. But understand that you’re rarely going to get an opportunity to sit at a table and come to a good resolution privately, if you just run to public accountability. So I say this to all of you, in our personal lives and relationships, if we feel like we’ve been wronged, whether it’s in the work world, or personally through a relationship, it probably doesn’t serve us to run to all of our friends and scream about it. It probably won’t serve us to run to all of our co-workers and talk about it day in and day out. Because ultimately, none of those people are actually going to solve the problem or the pain that we’re feeling.

I think what we can learn from this situation is if we want to maintain our relationships as people are increasingly connected, and we want to make sure that we have a future in our industries and in our relationships, it serves us to maybe take the private route first, and see how that works, before we start going to the microphone, and blowing things up. Because you know what, whenever you set things on fire, you may be the one who gets burned.

Now for today’s chat, I’ve been so excited to break this one down, because it easily is the most asked question that I get whenever I’m doing panels or when I bumped into you, you know, on the street, or if we are in the DMs, this comes up all the time. And I think this information will be really valuable. Now, the number one thing people always ask me, you know, based on the fact that I have quit my job live online in front of 10,000 people, and I did that almost 10 years ago, and built a multimillion dollar business, multiple brands, multiple million dollar brands, you know, as well as worked with other people. People say Nicole, how did you even know when it was time to move? And this question comes up more and more now that I’ve shared that I’m, you know, in the process of a divorce and transitioning out of, you know, my, my role in my marriage and my relationship that I’ve moved to Los Angeles, you know, just all of these things that have happened recently, people are like Nicole, like you have made and stepped into some bold decisions. And you seem to do it in a way where you have a little bit of confidence. And you’re doing it in a way where it seems like you are ready to kind of go all in and we’re seeking to have that in our lives, how are you knowing that these things are going to be okay?

So that’s what I’m gonna break down for you because I think that we all have transitions and decisions and things that we want to do but a lot of us are trying to balance moving when it’s right so that we don’t compromise one, what we’ve already built thus far. Our families matter to us, our kiddos and our littles matter to us, our jobs, our income, our benefits, our existing relationships, all this stuff really matters. And we put a lot of effort into getting them where they are thus far. So we don’t want to lose that. And then of course, knowing when it’s time to move to make sure we are assuring our future. We want to know that the things that we’re going to are going to be real and stable, fruitful and positive.

And I gotta tell you just right out the gate, spoiler alert, no promises on that. But what I can tell you is, there are a few things you can check that’ll help you really know if it is that time. And that’s what I’m going to give you today. So the first thing is by far and large, and this is something you would not have thought of, if you are too comfortable, it may be time to move. I said it. A lot of us out here are saying to ourselves, Well, I have to move because it is so uncomfortable. This is unbearable, because I cry every Sunday because I have the Sunday scaries. And I don’t want to go into work on Monday, I am just miserable in this relationship. A lot of us associate misery with the time to move. And I want to recalibrate for some of you that if you are too comfortable, it may be time to move.

What does that look like? It looks like not having any growth. If you’re at a job where you have stayed in the same role, the same title, the same salary, the same people, the same responsibilities where you are operating on autopilot. Your brain is mush and you are not growing, girl, it may be time to go somewhere else because you deserve growth. You are not ascending to the best version of yourself. If you are in a place where you feel like your marriage is so mundane, where every day is routine and you know what’s coming. And it doesn’t feel like it has any of that original excitement where it feels like you don’t have enthusiasm around what the future may hold. Well, it may be time to move. And I’m not I’m not encouraging everybody to leave their spouse, I’m saying make movement within the marriage where you’re having conversations that you didn’t have before or setting up experiences you didn’t set up before.

But that’s what I mean that it may be time to make a shift. Comfort truly can be an example of when it’s time to move. And I say that as someone who this was one of the primary reasons I moved out of my job. It was standard. I was good at it. I was great as a corporate executive working for a fortune 500 company. I was helping scale from 2 million to 200 million. I was hitting my marks and I was killing it. I was also making pretty good money. But I also knew that God had called me to be, do and serve more. And that was not going to happen where I was.

I had actually been in a position where I’d like to describe it as golden handcuffs. I was in a position where I knew that I could stay here forever, but I was locked in. And while it was beautiful and shiny, that was it. That growth was only going to come from discomfort and the discomfort I wanted it to be something that I chose. I wanted to choose the discomfort of branching into something that gave me a little bit of risk, but I knew there was going to be reward. And that meant I needed to get out of this comfortable position and step into something more.

So if you’re saying to yourself right now, if this is resonating, if you’re saying girl, Nicole, you’re right, I haven’t changed anything. And I haven’t changed my outfit. I have the same haircut. I haven’t even I haven’t moved, I haven’t gone to a new city, I am too dang comfortable. And I am not going to grow while staying here. Well, hey, friend, it may be time to reflect on what your next move is, and get a little bit uncomfortable so you can branch into new things. Now, the next thing is, and I think this may be a little bit more obvious, but it may be too hard.

It may be time to move, because the thing you’re doing is too hard. And I’m not talking about the fact that it may have some discomfort because in reality, life is difficult. You’ll hear me say it time and time again. I’ve talked about it all season, life is the meeting and solving of problems, all we will ever do all day is figure out problems. How will I get to work? What will I eat? How will I figure out how to pay these bills? How will I ascend to my goals? I mean, realistically it is the level of problem that we’re going to deal with. But if everything feels like it is a big problem that is not getting resolved. Another thing that I used to measure if it’s too hard is, if the thing and the work and the opportunity, and what I’m doing stays with me longer than it should, which is like this, if work comes home and you find yourself laying down in your quiet time mulling over the same workplace problems, you may be in a situation where work is too hard for the season of life that you’re in. Where it is requiring and drawing too much from you, then what it is paying out and what the reward should be. If you are finding yourself unable to sign off, turn off, extract, and all you’re doing is being immersed in whatever that challenge is, well then hey, it may be too hard and it may be time to move. Same thing with relationships.

For me, I worked so hard in my marriage, to try to make it happen when I tell you I did all of the things. And I mean, I did all of the things knowing things weren’t going to work, right? Knowing that some things, you know, just to say I did you know what I mean. And for those you guys who have separated, I think you can relate to this. But I got married to be married forever, I’m just not a quitter. Like I am team everything has a resolution. You know, and that’s great. If that’s who you are, your partner needs to be on the same page, your partner needs to be in a position where they are willing to do everything as well, you know, then you can have a marriage forever. That wasn’t my situation. But you better believe that I quickly realized, even though I was still in it, that some things were just too hard. Meaning this was requiring a level of energy from me, that did not permit me to have energy left for important things in my life, like my babies, or important things in my life, like my own health physically, like my physical health. Or this was requiring and extracting so much energy from me that even when I was in other places that were positive like work or with my friends, or at a birthday party or at a wedding or gosh, even just sleeping on vacation, my brain was still thinking about my marriage or the difficulties or the challenges or, you know, some negative experience I may have had with my ex, you know, and when I realized that things were just staying with me all the time that I couldn’t even find a place of peace, because my negativity was being carried with me, that is when you can start saying this may be too hard and it may be time to move.

And the last one, and this is a big one. But when I tell you friend, this one is transformative. It’s based on a biblical principle. And I say this because I know that not all of us are faith followers, right? And not all of us are Christians. But you guys know the language that I speak, right? So extract this and apply it the way that you know speaks your language. But I hope that you can get the meaning of this because there’s room for all here. But God is not the author of confusion. God is not the author of confusion. So if you find yourself being in a space around a decision needing to move, and all you’re finding is that you are in constant confusion, just most of your time is spent going back and forth wondering if you can or if you should, or if it makes sense or if this is right or if any of this connects. Well then it’s worth realizing that the answer may be as simple as go. Go.

Because I’m a big believer that God wants us to live in a state of clarity, that things that He has designed for us are wonderful, and positive. And they may be difficult, but they always lead to our prosperity. And so what that means is if you’re in a place of confusion, that’s not of Him, right? That’s not a place where your positivity and your future resides. So if you’re going back and forth, maybe the answer is stay still. If you’re going back and forth, maybe the answer is girl just go. But you better believe that if you’re sitting there spending a lot of time dancing around it, trying to make it work, bending, and twisting and manipulating everything in your life to try to make this thing fit, then maybe it just doesn’t fit. And maybe you don’t fit.

So if you’re having a hard time making a decision, right now, I just want to encourage you to also allow yourself instead of trying to say, how do I make this thing work? Ask yourself, what happens if it doesn’t? What am I going to do if it doesn’t work, and then friend, maybe just do that. I know that once I started embracing that I didn’t always have to bend over backwards to make things succeed when God just may not want that for me. I started seeing whole new opportunities. I started feeling so encouraged about the future. And I started really embracing my ability to adapt, be flexible, and thrive in change.

Friend, it’s not just me, this is a truth that exists for you, too. I want you to know that whether or not you decide that it is time for you to move and step into something new or stay where you are just a little bit longer until the next thing, you have the ability to thrive. You deserve joy. And it is something that is absolutely written in the stars for your future. This is not just something that I’m standing in agreement on unbelieving for you today. It is something that I have already experienced to be my truth. I have had one of the hardest, most difficult and challenging years of my life. And I hope that in our chats that we have day in and day out, you recognize that I’m still here. That I’m still here to let you know that if God can do it for me, he can do it for you.

And I’m a believer that if you’re willing to accept that it’s already been promised to us that weapons will form, they will, things will be hard,that’s already good and clear, friend, that’s no surprise. We already know that it can get hard. But if you’re also willing to accept that these weapons won’t prosper, then you’ll lean in to the change that you need. You’ll lean into the change that you deserve. And you’ll realize whichever path you follow, it will end in good things and you are worth it. Go get it friend. I’m doing it with you.

 

In this episode, I share:

• Why so many of us have been in autopilot mode lately,
• How to move from surviving to thriving,
• A lesson for us all from some recent Real Housewives drama, and
• How to confidently making moves in your life (or confidently stay where you are!)

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook and Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss episode 30 from season 1 where I talk about MidTiny’s cancer journey
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

You don’t EARN Joy

In this season of life, I’m learning a new lesson each day. The lesson I have for YOU today is that even though life is tough, you deserve joy TODAY. Yes, you don’t earn joy, you deserve inherently.

We’re chatting about how to experience joy in the little moments, no matter what else is going on in your life. In this episode I also answer a question about imposter syndrome and whether or not a mistake or failure disqualifies you from teaching on a specific topic.

Thank you for being here for this chat friend! Let me know what resonates by tagging me on Instagram @NicoleWalters – talk to you there friends.

Nicole:

Hey friend. I am so excited that we’re chatting again today, and I hope that as you are listening in the kitchen or in the car, you got the tinies behind you or whatever you’ve got going on that you’re joining our weekly chat and you’re feeling well. I know that I am excited to come to you week after week, and it’s been amazing to hear on Instagram, Twitter and just all over social media. The amazing feedback about season three of the Nicole Walters podcast. Now, I, I know you probably listened to a lot of different podcasts and they have a different vibe, right? Each week they’re maybe have a different guest or maybe they’re you know, talking about products or whatever, telling, you know, true crime stories, you name it. But I really like the special thing that we have here, where it really is just us sitting down like friends catching up over coffee and, you know, just plugging through all the crazy things that are happening in life and chatting about all the things that we’re seeing and being exposed to day after day, and really doing our best to fuel each other with, you know, joy and energy and grant and grace so that we can keep going.

So I’m gonna keep coming back here. <Laugh> every single week, and I’m glad that you do too. And I wanna hear from you. So this isn’t a one, let me, let me pause for that. I wanna hear from you. So what that means is that you can actually reach out to me. If you head over to Instagram @NicoleWalters, you can leave me a message. I actually put the link to leaving me a voicemail in the show notes. And I want you to know that these voicemails all come directly to me. So they are anonymous. I’m not gonna be able to hunt you down or put your name out there or anything like that. But you know, they come right to me. So they let me hear from you. If it’s just feedback, you can say that and say, Hey, Nicole, this is just feedback.

Or if it’s just a message and you wanna share it, you can do that. But if you have a question about anything, whether it is business or life or TV shows or podcast, or you have a tough thing, you’re trying to figure out with a friend or a family member I’m really, really happy to keep this conversation two ways and to lend whatever gifts I may have to help you sort out whatever’s put in front of you, because it is so much easier for us to do life together. Now, in that vein, I have the most amazing messages that have been coming in, and this week’s message is really, really powerful. And I think that a lot of us are gonna relate to it and it comes from Beverly.

Hi, Nicole. My name is Beverly. Thank you for opening up this space and being so open and authentic with your journey and just allowing us to, and learn and heal with you as you and learn and heal my question. Have you ever struggled with the imposter syndrome feeling that you’re not good enough to sit at that table or you shouldn’t even be in that room? And how did you overcome that? And also, have you ever struggled?

Can you cut it after just the first part instead of two questions? Awesome. Beverly, so I have been talking about imposter syndrome for years, and I’m so glad you’re bringing it back up because it’s something I haven’t really talked about recently, but you know, if you’re newer to the podcast or if you haven’t been following for a while, I really really think this is powerful for us to always kind of circle back to and discuss. Now, if you’ve never heard of imposter syndrome you know, let me, let me start over that part. If you’ve never heard of imposter syndrome, what I’m about to tell you might very well change your life. I know what changed mine maybe eight, 10 years ago. I remember starting to decide whether or not I wanted to quit my job and jump into entrepreneurship for the first time. This was long before I opened up my multimillion dollar company, inherit learning company.

And long before I had the TV show, the via, you know, any of those things. So it was before I had good wigs y’all I was still wearing synthetic wigs. Listen, a lot has changed <laugh>, but that said way back when 10 years ago, I remember being in corporate and knowing that I was deeply dissatisfied, that I had a very specific set of gifts that I, that were underutilized, underpaid and underappreciated. And I knew that I felt a call under my life to, you know, branch out and do more. But you better believe I was scared and we’ve talked throughout the podcast and we’ll keep on talking about the different reasons, why we’re scared to take things on and things that keep us from stepping into our purpose. But ultimately it boiled down to me feeling like it just wouldn’t work and it wouldn’t work because I wasn’t good enough that I maybe didn’t have all the skills and resources that were required.

And despite the life that I’d lived thus far, despite the things that I’d overcome through a traumatic childhood, through growing up in intense poverty, all of that, even though I’d managed to be the youngest person in my division to remove from the CEO of a fortune $500 billion company, I had just made the whole thing up and that I didn’t have the ability to do anything else and that I was always faking it till I made it. And that at any minute, at any point in time, someone was gonna pull the rug out from under me and that I just wouldn’t be able to actually be successful on my own. Well, I wanna let you know, standing on this side almost a decade out from that moment. That definitely wasn’t true. <Laugh> right. Everything that I did to get everything that I had, I’d earned, I’d learned I’d applied and I’d made it happen.

And I don’t say that, you know, as you know, I’m a Christian, I’m a God girl, not withstanding. I’m super blessed as well, but I also wanna just throw in that, you know, it’s very easy for us to discount our successes and a lot of the manifestation of that fits under something that has a real scientific definition called imposter syndrome. So imposter syndrome is the inability to internalize your own successes, despite the evidence proving that you had indeed earned them in their true. And it’s amazing how many women, minorities and people who grew up with very difficult backgrounds are affected by this. And part of that is because one, we may not grow up around examples of people who have done it. Who’ve been highly successful and were able to say, oh, okay, well, here’s the path they followed. And I followed that. So that’s totally normal.

And it also happens because oftentimes, you know, when you’re follow, falling into one of those categories, when you’re in the workplace or the workforce, our successes are often minimized and not celebrated completely. So what that means is we have a hard time realizing that the thing that we did was actually pretty outstanding and the place that we got, we really did earn through our own efforts. And so what happens is when it comes time to take on a new challenge, well, narratives form in our head that tell us, you’re not gonna be able to make it. And you can barely hold onto the thing you have and the job that you have now, you’re lucky to even have, and you’re just making it up as you go. And the minute you get found out, everyone will know you’re a fake and you don’t deserve to be there and, and you’re gonna get kicked out.

So maybe you shouldn’t even try. And imposter syndrome is damaging to your future friend, if you are listening, or if your littles are listening, or if you have you know, teens or kids out there or speaking into people’s lives, or even if you’re just a boss with employees, you gotta be on the watch out because the truth is, none of us knows what we’re doing. None of us we’re all placed into something for the first time. And that feeling of not knowing isn’t a sign that you’re not capable, not knowing something doesn’t mean you’re not capable. It just means that you don’t know when you’re hired for a new job. When I hire employees, like I’ve 16 employees in my headquarters in Atlanta. And when I hire employees, what I’m looking for is someone who has the general skill set and a little bit of a proven background to do the thing that I’m going to call them to do.

I’m not looking for someone who already has a mastery around the work, because honestly, if you’ve never worked for me before, however, you did it at your previous company, it’s not gonna work for me. You need to learn how to do it. Then Nicole Walter’s way in our company, cuz we operate with a certain level of integrity, expectations, service, all of that. So you’re gonna have to learn it all over again. Anyways, everybody comes in new. So what that means for you friend Beverly, is that you have to remind yourself that everything you have, if you’ve managed to figure it out, ask the right questions, use your resources, learn, apply, and, and get into your stride, so you’re having successes and a job becomes familiar. Well then yeah, that is the definition of earning your place.

That means that you actually do have the ability to be successful wherever you go, because you have work ethic, because you know how to show up, because you have integrity, cuz you have personal standards. Those are the things that make a successful person. Not degrees, not paperwork, not you know, approvals and certifications and awards and all those, those things can help. But at the end of the day, your true success is based off of you. And it’s so important to not let imposter syndrome tell you that you can’t be successful because it does keep you from going into new spaces. So one of the ways that I’ve learned to tackle my imposter syndrome is to sort of keep a here’s how you did it list. And here’s how you did it. List is whenever I’m finding myself saying I’m not qualified for an opportunity, I write down all the things I’ve done that match up with why I am qualified.

So if I hear my brain saying, look, there’s no way you could, you know, go to this casting opportunity for this show because you know, you’re not an actor. You’re not whatever. Well, first and foremost, I don’t just walk up to casting act opportunities. They’re given to me by my agent. So somebody already determined I’d probably be okay, so why am I unpacking it for myself? So I’ll write down, I’ll say, well, maybe they’ve never met anyone like you before. Maybe you have a perspective to give that people really need to hear. Maybe when you go in, because you’re a professional speaker, you’re still gonna do a pretty good job reading for whatever it is they’re looking for. Maybe this opportunity isn’t necessarily about what you have done before. And maybe it’s not the opportunity you’ll get today, but maybe you’ll meet the people who will connect you to the opportunity you’re supposed to have.

And you absolutely are qualified for that. You know? So I mean, I’m telling you, when you start writing down the reasons why every opportunity is something that you deserve or at minimum that you can show up to, it changes your perspective. You start realizing, look my belief in wanting to move onto the next thing or my interest in another opportunity is valid because it’s grounded in truth. So friend, you have to keep doing, doing is the answer to imposter syndrome. You have to tell yourself, even though my mind might be telling me that I’m not capable or qualified or deserving, I’m going to keep doing until I am proven. Otherwise, what you’ll find is that in the daily doing, you’re actually gonna find evidence that you’re worthy.

And in this week’s don’t make yourself content y’all. This one is actually pretty applicable to our DM question that came in. So I was scrolling through the internet. I don’t know about y’all I spend way too much time on the gram. And one of the things that popped up is that DeVon Franklin, I don’t know if you’re familiar with him. If you’re not, he was married to an actress named Meagan Good, who was really popular in the nineties, still continues to work, has had some really great shows and she’s known as generally being like a really like sweet girl. And I, a sweet woman she’s grown. I’m like, this is the mom in me that I’m always, everybody’s like, Hey kiddo. <Laugh>, she’s known for being a wonderful woman.

And DeVon Franklin is a I believe he may be a pastor or a minister is his background, his primary background, but frankly him and Megan, when they connected and became married, they actually built a brand around their relationship. And they released some books around why they chose celibacy until marriage. They released some books around why they chose celebrity until marriage and how they were choosing to structure their marriage. They spent a lot of time on the press circuit really discussing, you know, the value of their relationship and things of that source. They really did put their marriage out there. And at first I think people were a little bit critical, but down the line it became something where people were like, wow, this is a really great example of what looks like a healthy, successful marriage. And they both seemed like they were doing very well, but unfortunately after I don’t know the exact number of years, but I know that it was quite a few, I wanna say maybe six or seven, they filed for divorce. And that was recently I wanna say last year. And when they filed for divorce there weren’t many details given. It seems like it’s amicable. But essentially they both said that it’s, you know, it’s difficult. It was unexpected, but there’s a parting of ways and they both feel like it’s best if they go their second direction.

Now y’all already know I am not the one to judge <laugh> at all. Not just because I’m not a judger, but because I also, am someone who is going through this transitional process of you know, shifting from a marital state to a non marital state, you know, and it’s interesting because what is trending right now around Devon Franklin is the fact that he was just selected to be the marriage and relationship expert on a show called Married at First Sight for season 15. And there’s a lot of feedback around why on earth can he be an expert on marriage when his own marriage wasn’t successful? What is he going to teach these people about having a successful relationship when he is the byproduct of one that did not work and is currently processing a divorce, especially one that, you know, by all means may be amicable, but seems to be pretty painful.

So what I wanted to reference here is not the, is he or isn’t it? You guys know how we do this. Don’t make yourself con isn’t about coming to an end solution of right or wrong. You can go anywhere for that. What I wanna talk about is this idea that we can’t be an expert or have anything to offer. If we failed at something that’s bananas, y’all not only is that concept hurtful, it’s harmful because some of the best lessons come from people who didn’t work.

And I wanna tell you a story about one of my friends. So I went to Johns Hopkins university and it’s primarily a medical and science based institution. And a lot of my friends were engineers or pursuing a medical background. I, of course, was a polysci major because I’m not strong at math. And I just like being around smart people. <Laugh> but my best skill is like reading and talking. So I’m there, but all my friends are fancy man doctors, and one of my best good friends, Lucas, he is a premier biomedical engineer. He’s now a professor. He works in a lab. I mean, he is easily one of the smartest people I know and Lucas, you know, used to go into the lab every day as part of his work in college. And his job was to, he was working on a research project and I think it was around cancer, don’t hold me to it. You know, Lucas, if you’re listening, I, I don’t remember all the details of your experiment, but it was still important to me.

But you know, every single day he would go in and he would have to kind of work with some lab rats and like get some data, work on numbers, tweak things, all that jazz as part of this greater experiment. And that was part of his student gig. Well, I remember sitting down with Lucas one day and saying to him, isn’t it frustrating to think that you could spend your whole life working in a lab, trying to solve and cure and fix and treat these conditions and you could literally die and never do it. Like you’re already signing up right now. And I remember at the time we were, you know, so young, we were in our like early twenties and saying to him like, I mean how can you sign up for a lifetime of potential failure? I know, right? We’re really deep for, for younger kids. Aren’t we <laugh>, but this is me. This is Nicole Walters. This is the one who’s at target is asking people if they’re on their purpose. So Lucas looks at me and he says this, and I, I tell you like, I, I carry this to this day, cuz it was so valuable. Lucas said to me, I don’t look at it as failure because for every single time, one of my experiments doesn’t work out, I’ve taken an experiment off the board for the next person, which means that they’re gonna be one step closer to actually curing cancer.

And that was so powerful for me because it helped me understand that one, it’s all about perspective. He easily could have looked at it and said, oh yeah, no. Like, I mean, you’re right. I need to pick something where I feel like I’m getting a ready, obvious, clear, and apparent win all the time. He could have said that, but that’s not how he looks at it. And two, I also thought it was really impactful to hear him say that he understood that he plays a part in the greater picture and that his role, while it may not be the one that is greatly celebrated, he may not have the vaccine named after him. He may not be the guy who’s down in history books, but he recognizes that he is part of a process that’s tremendous.

And furthermore, there are people who did things before him, for him to get where he is. And all of this kind of comes down to this perspective around what makes an expert. I think in the internet space, so many people, and I’ve talked about this in season one. I have an episode say called the most valuable three words and a lot of people think it’s, I love you. Spoiler alert. It’s actually, I don’t know. And I talk about this there, where I say that, you know, being an expert doesn’t mean, you know, everything an expert means, you know where to go to find it. And we’re so quick to criticize people because their lives may not look a certain way, but we don’t understand that there’s a lot to be extracted from our various experiences when they don’t work. So granted throwing it out as a caveat.

I’m not saying that, you know Mr. Franklin is the best pick for this marriage expert. When it comes time to do casting, honestly, they’re looking for a name they’re looking for someone who can get in a press. They’re not necessarily look it’s TV show y’all, you know what I mean? They’re not necessarily looking for someone who’s going to give rock solid advice to help preserve these marriages. I mean, honestly, these people are throwing their names into a hat and being mashed up together to get married when they see each other, they’re not looking for a success. Y’all like, this is entertainment. But what I can say is that even though they’re not booking therapist, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s not a good fit because he probably has something valuable to add to the conversation.

Look for those of us who are married now or seeking to get married or in long-term relationships or recently divorced, we all know that relationships are hard. And a lot of the things that make them work are the same through and through. Communication, honesty, trust, faithfulness, integrity, vulnerability, all these things are overlaps that every single person needs to do and do well in order to have a successful relationship of any sort, whether it is platonic or romantic. And so knowing that I actually think that someone who’s been through a divorce can probably speak to that.

Listen friend, to be honest, if we live in a world where he’s not allowed to be an expert, even after you know, all the credentials he may have, or the years of being a pastor or writing a book about relationships and all that, then it makes me feel like I don’t have room for redemption. And then it makes me wonder, like where does any of us have room for redemption and the ability to speak to our experiences? I think that languaging is actually a little bit dangerous because it keeps people from wanting to share what they may have learned when they were delivered from their suffering and isn’t that how we help each other avoid the pits and get ahead.

I mean, I know that when I saw what was happening to my marriage and I was put in a position where I didn’t have a choice, I remember feeling obviously shocked, disappointed, overwhelmed, saddened, and at loss. And a huge part of what took me so long to be able to, I mean, literally it’s been over a year now. It took me so long to even be able to sit down and like vocalize it to you is just because of the fact that I didn’t want you guys to look at me and say, gosh, Nicole, like you disappointed us. We love your family. We love the idea of your family. We love the construct of family. And if you’re not able to do this, can you do anything right?

Y’all I was beating myself up so badly about it. When eventually I realized, you know, there’s a lot of learning I’ve been going through in this season, partly because I did not anticipate it. And as I mentioned in episode one, it’s been a season of starting over and I’ve learned that starting over is something a lot of us have to do often. Whether it’s through jobs or a new baby or, you know, a marriage, you know, and if we can share our secrets around that, we should, because we do deserve to have ease in our next chapters. And we do deserve to have support and love and grace, as we navigate this difficult, challenging life.

Life is hard enough, if we can get a roadmap or tips or tricks, who are we to yell or complain about where they come from, as long as it’s good advice and it’s rock solid and it can help move us forward, we should be receiving. So I know the conversation is around whether or not he’s qualified or credentialed or if it makes any sense. And I think that’s reasonable, but that should be based on clinical things. Is he a therapist? Does he have, you know, some background knowledge on mental health or does he understand those checklist items? I think that’s reasonable to evaluate, but if we’re trying to judge whether or not somebody can speak to a new experience or guide someone just because theirs was less than perfect, well if that’s the requirement, then I don’t think any of us are really qualified to do anything. And I don’t think that’s the case at all. God wouldn’t have delivered us from our suffering if he didn’t want us to use our story, to deliver someone from theirs. So friend lean in share boldly and know that whatever it is you have to offer from your failures is good enough worthy and needed.

Friend, so I am really excited to chat with you about this because I’ve been dabbling in it on social media. We’ve been kind of going back and forth in the comments and the feedback has been crazy because I didn’t realize how many of us held this idea, this mindset and how limiting it was for us. So growing up for me, I grew up in an immigrant household. So my parents were both really hard workers. My dad was a cab driver for 40 years. My mom, a secretary at a boating insurance company. And what that lent itself to was many, many years and many, many hours of sort of being a latchkey kid. If you will. I had a younger sister, seven years younger than me and the two of us pretty much were, were, we are besties.

I spent so much time in my youth, caring for her, you know, being home, making sure she had what she needed. And a lot of my experiences growing up, surrounded my parents working. Whether it was trying to figure out how to get a dollar, how to shift a job, how to fit in more hours. It was just work, work, work, work, work. And I know that for a lot of us, even those who, who didn’t grow up in intense poverty, but just had parents who were really committed to trying to change our way of life or at least keep up on the bills. We have that experience of our parents sort of being absent from working or focused on work or talking about work. And I also think it’s amazing because in so many conversations I’ve had with you a lot of us are trying to change that narrative for our own children.

We’re trying to create a world where maybe that won’t be the experience where we’ll be able to be more present or where, you know, our time that we are present is more meaningful. So, you know, cheers to all of us for working on that. But what I learned and what I really recall, which has been really poignant for me in this season where I am entering the world on my own. And it’s just me and my girls is that my parents just didn’t have fun. Like, I don’t think they would’ve known a hobby if it hit them. Like, yeah. They knew how to maybe meet up and have a cookout, you know, or maybe turn on some music and kind of dance here and there. And yes, there’s some joy in that. I’m not minimizing the joy in that, but I’m just talking about the moment of like the momentary joy, like watching a quick comedy show or like how we listen to podcasts, you know, to have a laugh or scrolling on social and laughing at a meme or, you know, just taking these little pockets of joy that present themselves through the day and allowing a little bit of indulgence and fun in order to keep us going.

And in realizing that my parents were just constantly on the, you know, workhorse of needing to push through and it’s about the daily grind. I didn’t realize the messaging was sending to me until recently. And friend, you may relate to this, and you may not even realize you’re doing it when I realized I was doing it, it blew my mind. But the messaging I was receiving and watching my parents kind of always put a primary focus on working and what you can get out from working and the next hustle and money and responsibility, the messaging I got growing up that I’m just working to dismantle is that there isn’t room when you are working and suffering, and life is hard, to fit in joy. That if you wanted joy, you had to earn it. And that joy was a distant destination that you were only allowed to, you know, receive and go towards, if you kind of battled through this hardship all along the way.

And if things were really, really hard, you’re expected to double down on the difficulty and reject even more of the joy that would present itself. So here’s an example, when I first started building a business, I remember thinking to myself that it had to be all daily grind and that celebration moments were only allowed around certain milestones. So if I didn’t hit a certain number, I was still on the grind and it was wild because all along the way I was hitting little milestones. Like I was you know, welcoming in new members or my people who had signed on to work with me through my products at Inherent Learning Company, they were hitting successful goals. They were making money, they were launching businesses. They were having things happening. But instead of taking the moment to celebrate those things, I always felt like it wasn’t allowed. And especially when things got hard. So I don’t know about you friend, but if I’m having a bad day, I have such an inclination to meet the energy of that day with what I feel like I’m supposed to do in response to fixing it.

For instance, if I was in the office and an employee came to me and told me that the software was down, something had crashed and you know, they needed to fix a portal or a system or something, I literally would not get up and go to the bathroom, I would sit at my computer, I would skip meals and I literally would work round the clock through the night until the problem was solved. Friend, ask yourself, have you ever held your potty too long? Because you felt like you had to get the work done first. This is not normal. <Laugh> okay. This is not normal. Have you ever skipped meals because you’re sitting at your desk, cranking it out?

And you’re like, the only thing that matters is the deadline. Now I wanna let you know that, yeah, we all have some seasonality where we have to push through and crush and get it done. But when that starts becoming the norm or where it starts becoming a response that you have to hardship or difficulty or challenges that you’re not even checking that you’re not even saying to yourself, Hey, this is a one off. And you’re just kind of used to it. You don’t even realize you’ve been holding your potty for hours and hours and hours, right? Because you just literally are like, I just gotta get this work done. You’ve gotta reevaluate the messaging you’re telling yourself around what you deserve. I mean, friend, you’re telling yourself that you don’t even deserve to go to the bathroom until you finish your work.

You don’t even deserve to go to the bathroom until you finish this thing for the kids, you don’t even deserve to go to the bathroom until you finish this load laundry. That’s just not normal. And it’s definitely not healthy. And it was something that I carried for so long and what it lent itself to was burnout. I was pushing myself through even normal bodily functions. If you feel like you can’t even get up and go to the bathroom, do you think that you’re gonna have the energy to say to yourself you need a break? Or you need a nap? Or you need a walk or you need a laugh? Or you deserve to go get a cocktail with a friend or a new outfit friend? Mamas, when was the last time you bought yourself a new pair of underwear? You’re still wearing the same three bras, cuz they’re your favorite.

You just pulled the wire out and you’re just moving on with your life. We deserve nice things. <Laugh> we deserve nice things. Seriously. It’s absolutely unbelievable how we reject the joy when we’re facing hardships. So just as an example of that, right now, I am out in the world. I am still trying to figure out what it’s like, because I have not been single since I was 22, you know? And so so long ago, and I don’t know how this works, but one of the things that I’m struggling with is attention from the gentlemanly fellows. <Laugh> this is why, how, you know, I can’t date <laugh> it’s cuz of this, this energy. And so it’s weird because part of me feels like, because my life isn’t all the way figured out yet, I’m not allowed to, you know, grab a drink with someone and because everything’s not all figured out yet, I’m not allowed to even accept a compliment.

I get weird about it. You know what I mean? Like, and not that I even know, or I’m ready to like navigate all of these pieces, but it’s definitely strange to me. And it was something that I had to bring into therapy and something I’m talking about with you now, friend, that I felt like my healing and my happiness could not coexist. That I felt like work and relief and joy could not coexist. And I’m not saying I have perfect answers on it, but I do wanna call it out to you. One thing that I do know is true is that we deserve, we deserve ease. We deserve happiness. Even if you’re at a funeral if someone tells a joke, especially about like, you know, the deceased or the relationships like it, you’re allowed to laugh just because you’re at a funeral, doesn’t mean you can’t laugh.

And I think that we’ve gotten to this place where we’ve put these parameters around ourselves, where we’re only successful or showing up in a certain way, if we perform in a certain way, which means that we reject some things that are very natural, healthy, and healing for us, that honestly could amplify our performance simply because we don’t think we’re allowed to have them. There was a novel concept that kind of came to me that has really inspired and forced me to embrace finding happiness in all the hard that I’m living right now. And it’s that, you know, life is hard, right, right friend, like we already know this. Life is hard, it is the meeting and solving of problems. It is, you know, at times it can feel like just suffering through, you know, life is difficult. We can accept that. We know this.

But also in knowing that life is difficult, one of the many ways that God shows up is in the pockets of joy, it’s in grabbing an ice cream cone, it’s in a friendly compliment. It’s in a nice 10 minute chat in the elevator. It is in meeting up with friends afterwards for dinner or briefly for a walk it’s in these little moments that seem like they might be too tiny to have any worth. But in reality, they’re exactly how God is showing up to remind us of the good that we’re always trying to pursue. It’s also where God’s showing up to say that the heart is worthwhile and believe it or not, the thing I’m really embracing is that if I allow myself to receive the joy that’s happening amongst all the hard, the compliment, the cocktail, you know, the guy winking at me saying, I look good. And I’m like, yeah, I do. You know, <laugh> like that sort of thing.

If I allow myself to just sort of receive that joy, even though it’s a hard day, well, that actually may help fuel me through the hard days. If you’ve been wondering why sometimes it feels a little bit too hard. It might be because you’re rejecting too much joy. So friend, here’s what I wanna encourage you, cuz I know that this part is working for me, allow yourself to receive. You are so deserving of the joy that shows up at your door. You are so deserving of taking a moment to watch that guilty pleasure reality show. You are so deserving of saying to yourself, you know what? I am gonna cut out 15 minutes early and I’m gonna just go for a walk. Before I go to my car, you’re deserving of sitting in your car outside of target for 15 minutes so that you can watch a TV show and eat those snacks in your glove box, girl, I do it too.

Sometimes these kids, okay, we do what we can do. <Laugh> but you’re deserving. And just like we may have received messages when we are younger, that there is a certain way that we have to respond to hardship. And there are certain things we’re allowed to have or not have. We don’t have to continue or pass on those messages. Cause we’re being watched too by our littles, by our friends, by our family on social media.

And so if we put out the message that you’re allowed to live life and deal with the challenges and the hardships or whatever, but you can do it with a smile and that’s okay, oh, that message gets passed on. And by extension, we’re making it a little easier for those that come behind us. And we’re teaching our kids in future generations that yes, life is hard, but you can be happy too. And the reason why you can be happy is because you deserve it. So friend today in all that you’re facing, in everything on your plate, and all the things that I’ve already arrived, and all the things that are yet to come, I encourage you to look for the happiness in the hard, because no matter where you are in your healing, in your growth, in your decision making you deserve joy today.

 

In this episode, I share:

• How to experience joy in the little moments, no matter what else is going on in your life,
• Why you don’t earn joy,
• My first experience with imposter syndrome and how it’s damaging to our futures,
• What my “here’s how you did it” list, and
• My thoughts on if a mistake or failure disqualifies you from teaching on a specific topic

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook and Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss episode 32 from season 1 where I talk more about owning what you DON’T know
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Platform Privilege

If you’ve been around here for a bit, you know how passionate I am about doing.the.work especially when given a platform of privilege.

In this episode I am introducing you to someone who helps me do the work behind the scenes and that is my speaking coach, Danielle DiMasi!

Danielle shares the science behind the fear of public speaking, the importance of knowing and defining WHY someone should listen to you speak, and how to master this skill so you can make a big impact.

Friend, don’t miss this episode because Danielle is brilliant!

Thank you for being here, for your support as I share the pivots in my life, and for being willing to show up for whatever I’ve got for you each week.

Talk soon friend!

(00:00:00):
The following podcast is a dear media production.

Amanda (00:00:03):
This is Amanda Hirsch from the not skinny, but not fat podcast. You might know me from not skinny, but not on Instagram where I spend my time talking about reality, TV, celebrities, everything happening and pop culture every Tuesday. Okay. I also talk to some of our favorite celebs and reality TV stars. We talk about what’s going on. tune in every Tuesday and just feel like you’re talking with your best friends in your living room.

Nicole (00:00:38):
Hey friend, it’s Nicole, host of the Nicole Walter’s podcast. Here’s where we laugh. We cry and we grant ourselves grace, as we do life together, let’s get started.

Nicole (00:00:59):
Hey friends, I am so excited to be back here with you again this week, we have been having some chats. I think we’ve covered everything from friends to family, to business, to bodies, to babies. I mean, we really run the gamut here and I just wanna let you know that it’s such a blessing and a privilege to be able to have these chats with you from week to week. So thanks for taking the time out to just come back and sit with me and invite me into your car trip to work because Lord knows you may not wanna be going. So I appreciate and hope that I’m bringing a little bit of energy and joy as you have that drive and, uh, you know, or the ride back, you know, or while you’re sitting in the car outside target, because you’re just too tired to drive home either way, wherever we’re chatting.

Nicole (00:01:44):
I’m just so thankful that I get to have a friend that I can sit down with and connect and more than anything, it’s been so awesome to have you guys talk back to me because I know that it’s a weird situation where I’m kind of speaking into avoid sometimes, but you keep it really interactive. So whether you’re tweeting me on twitter@nicolewaltersorhangingoutwithmeoninstagramatnicolewaltersorleavingmeamessageatni colewalters.com slash message, it’s just been so great to kind of have a voice to the names and to just really be able to interact. So just keep that up because I really do care about you and I care about your life and my little internet babies and nieces and nephews. And, and it just, it feels good to know that they’re real people on both sides of this world. So keep reaching out. And, um, with that in mind, I just kind of wanna jump right in.

Nicole (00:02:36):
So for this chat, I wanna kick off. Usually we do a little Q and A where you guys might ask me a business question or a friend question or a life question or something about what you saw me do, you know, on social media that you want me to answer you name it, I’m happy to answer, and those are always welcome. But as you know, we kicked off the season, season three with some pretty tough topics. And it was the first tough topic was about me. And it was about my marriage and my health and the season of transition that I’m living in now. And it was difficult to share that all with you. I think I still, I dunno if you can hear it, I still get a little choked up a little emotional about it because I’m still living it. But I knew that I couldn’t start this new chapter, this new journey of the Nicole Walter’s podcast and this time that we spend sitting together without being open and honest about the area that I’m speaking from, which is one of, you know, separating from my marriage and, you know, having a child in recovery and dealing with my own health and wellness in recovery and transitioning products in my business, just lots of moving pieces.

Nicole (00:03:38):
And it’s important that you guys knew that whenever I’m offering answers or whenever I am offering feedback, then I’m just doing it from a really honest and frankly humble because Lord knows I’m in perfect place and I’m doing the best that I can, but I’m also sharing what I’m learning and I’m going through it, you know, as well, just like you, life is lifeing over here. And it was important for me to be honest about that, but what was great and kind of scary, just being completely Frank was that it’s scary to have these chats. And even though I know that in my head right now, when I’m talking, I’m imagining sitting on that bar stool at the kitchen island with you, or sitting in the passenger seat on our ride to work, or, uh, you know, walking through target or running on the treadmill next to you.

Nicole (00:04:28):
And we’re kind of chatting it through it still. Isn’t easy to tell your friend that something is going on with you. Right. I know that you just like, you just nodded your head, like, yes, girl, you know, like it’s true. It’s uncomfortable to be like, this is this thing that’s happened in my life. And partly because, I mean, I know you’re like me, it doesn’t feel good to share grief, right? You don’t want people to have to stand in heartbreak with you or in hardship. And so for a lot of us, we just stand in it by ourselves because it just, it just sucks to share that. Right. But the other side of it is because we’re worried that we’re gonna disappoint people or that they’re gonna realize we’re not enough or that we think we’re not enough from a, you know, business and life standpoint, you worry that it’s gonna affect your business one way or another.

Nicole (00:05:14):
And you write up these narratives in your head about rejection being alone, particularly if, you know, in the case of separation and marital issues, you’re already kind of coping with rejection already. So it’s kind of at the forefront of your mind, if you know what I mean, where you think everyone’s going to be like, I don’t want that one, you know, and it was really incredibly difficult and scary and something I sat on literally for months to put out episode one. And as I mentioned in episode one, I ended up rerecording it to just kind of be even more plain and honest about it. And long story short, I put it out and you guys showed up and you know, I haven’t talked about it in the past few episodes cuz I’ve just kind of been sitting in my emotions about it and just kind of really internalizing the depth of the love that came towards me.

Nicole (00:06:05):
And I just wanna take a moment today to one, just highlight some of the messages that came through. They’re really incredible and also say thank you because while I was going through all of this over the past couple months, I was still sharing on social. That was kind of my place that I could come back to that, to feel some normalcy, you know, to kind of keep up with your lives and kind of share a little bit about where I was in that moment or a favorite item, or even honestly just have a little laugh. And I was still getting messages from you guys saying like, Hey, you know, Nicole, it seems like you may be a little bit off or you’re having a bad day or I just wanted you to know for whatever reason I’m praying for you. I’m just sending goodness your way.

Nicole (00:06:41):
And it kept me going. And when I released that episode, episode one, man, did you guys keep me going? I mean, I think maybe it’s a little funny now, you know, and I guess both of us, we can laugh about a little bit, but I really thought you guys would be like, Nicole, we knew you were a hot mess, but girl, you know, and try not to tear up, but boy did the opposite happen. It really was the opposite. And I, well, I’m just gonna let you guys listen. I’m gonna let guys listen. These were the type of messages I was getting and I mean this one from Porsche, it just spoke to my heart.

Porsha (00:07:19):
Hey Nicole, this is Porsha, one of your rich friends. I just wanted to stop by to say thank, um, for your transparency, for your boldness. Um, for you just being a real person, it means more than you’ll ever know. I was listening to the new podcast this morning and it just reminded me of how much I really do appreciate having you and the community that you’ve built in my life. Um, as I sit on my back porch this morning, listening to the birds, chirp <laugh> and not having to rush off to work. Um, I realized that one of the major reasons I’m able to do that is because I principles day and pitch the dream job for myself. Um, I asked for what I wanted and I got it. So my salary is doubled. I was able to move to a community that I love. My children are happy. They have neighborhood friends. Um, I get to work from home, travel all over the country and all without stress. So I just wanted to give you a big, huge hug and say, thanks again. Love. Yeah. Seeing

Nicole (00:08:40):
First and foremost, Porsha, thank you for sending that second. Do you live in a Disney movie? <laugh> I mean, what the heck? It sounds so amazing there and you’re so gracious. I appreciate you for taking the time out to send that message. Not only does that mean the world to me, but you know, I just want you to know that you did it. None of these things could have happened if you didn’t step up every single day and say, yes, that’s something I want to do. And that’s something that is big to me and my kids are worth it and my purpose is worth it. So I am grateful to have even had the opportunity to speak into your life and be a guide and kind of point to where things could be. But girl, you went and got them. So I’m so excited for everything you’re doing and even more. So I’m very appreciative that you took the time out to see me in my moment of hardship and remind me of how I can show up. So, uh, thank you for that. Sweet message. Another great one came in here from Monique and I want you guys to hear it.

Monique (00:09:34):
Hi, Nicole. Um, first, sorry, if you hear my kids in the background first, I wanna say how inspiring you are, how when I look at your life, how truly motivating it is to see you doing everything that you do, despite things you may be going through and how you’re just a great example of being not perfect, but perfect in the place that you are in. If that makes any sense. And I just wanna ask you, what is your number one or maybe top three, um, ways that you pivot when you find yourself not in alignment with who you truly are in that moment or in those moments where you find yourself at odds against, you know, your wellbeing and the feelings of harmony that, you know, you feel best at, what do you do to pivot, to get yourself back into alignment? Thank you.

Nicole (00:10:35):
So I just wanna answer this quick Q and A for Monique and also part of the call out of it was that’s amazing is just, I want you guys to know, and I hope you’re seeing the lesson in all of this, which is boy, did I build this up in my mind to be so much worse than it was gonna be? I mean, my friends around me can tell you that I was losing sleep. I was having panic attacks. I was truly frightened and scared because I did not want to break. Y’all’s hard. <laugh> you know, like I just, I did not want y’all to think that I was not a trier, you know, and that I didn’t show up the way that I could or, and I mean, I’d just written so many things and it was almost like as much as I’d forgotten who I was, I’ve forgotten who y’all were, you know, and you’re this, you guys are grace filled, you are compassionate, you are generous, you are kind, you are mamas with your kids in the background.

Nicole (00:11:33):
So taking a minute to speak life into someone else. And I just really thank you for that. I thank you for that and to touch on Monique’s, you know, question really quickly, which I’ll dive into more in my book. That’s coming out soon. I’ve been working on it. And as you can see, there’s plenty to talk about. Um, and really just deep dive into some of the actual stories and moments behind season I’m in right now. We’ll talk about it more on the podcast too. You know, some of the things that are coming up, but if there’s anything about how do I figure out how to pivot and the best way to pivot, it’s recognizing that life is constant adjustments. It’s the idea that I’m expecting any type of consistency <laugh> or stability from life that actually creates this paralysis. Whenever something changes, uh, you’ve probably heard it, the only thing constant is change.

Nicole (00:12:20):
And the thing that I’m learning right now is the best thing you can do is handle what’s in front of you and do the next right thing. And Monique, that’s what I can tell you. You know, if you’re feeling like a pivot is necessary, if you’re feeling like a change is required, instead of worrying so much about the big picture things and all of the steps and those things do matter, you know, but the big things are actually made up of all the little things that happen in between. So try to focus on those, you know, it’s those small manageable steps that really make a difference in the long run. And I’m finding that out more and more now because you know, with all the moving pieces that I have going on and you know, the emotional, you know, challenges that come day and I mean, one day I’ll wake up feeling.

Nicole (00:13:01):
And I think some of you friends, you know, who’ve been through or sat in the place that I’m in now, some days I’ll wake up and I’m like, I’m having the best day of my life. I feel free. I feel liberated. I feel capable. I feel like even if someone didn’t want me, someone else will, you know, I feel like I can do it, you know? And on those days I just thank God for them because on those days I do as much as I can because the next day I could wake up and I could feel like, I can’t believe this has happened to me. I cannot believe I’m in this position. I, I thought I had everything, you know, and now look, you know, so the message that I want you to have from that is that one right days always come back again.

Nicole (00:13:47):
And two, be prepared to know that things are gonna be up and down and that it’s not so much. How do you pivot when a season arrives? It’s how do you remain constantly adaptable and in motion because you know, problems will occur and you are a good problem solver. So Monique, I’m excited for whatever your future holds, because I know that you’re capable, especially cuz you got little kids in the background and you still are able to pop on and leave a message to me. So I know you can do it. And aside from Monique, for all of you, especially you listening right now, I just wanna say thank you because it’s not just about the prayers that made it to my inbox. It’s a silent ones of your heart that I know that you spoke over my life and over my girls, you know? And I just wanna let you know, I hope I really make you guys proud. Part of why I’m saying everything that I’m saying and I’m putting it out there is because I want you guys to watch me work. I want you guys to watch what it looks like to thrive. Despite life throwing you curve balls, you don’t anticipate. And to know that if I can do it that you can too.

Nicole (00:14:52):

All right. Y’all so this week’s don’t make yourself. Content is all about ready for this cancel culture. Now, before you say, oh, not again, or here comes another hot take. I just want you to know that I really am coming at it in a different direction. And the reason why is because we’ve heard both sides already where people are like, well, cancer culture is required because we have to shut people down. They don’t deserve to be heard. And then the other side of it is, well, what if we’re about letting people grow and be held accountable? Like there’s so many different takes on it. And I just wanna give a totally different spin. And I’ve found that for me in looking at how cancer culture is playing out in pop culture and in the world, it’s really afforded me an opportunity to work on. Are you ready for it?

Nicole (00:15:41):
Grace? <laugh> no surprise there, right? I’m always talking about extending grace to others. And how can I learn? Just to be more aware and more empathetic to other people’s experiences and cancel culture’s been that. So don’t think that this is me giving anyone a pass. I wanna say right out of the gate so everyone can hear me explicitly. And clearly some people deserve to be canceled. Period. There are certain things that certain people say do live, breathe or believe. And they have somehow been afforded a microphone and they don’t deserve to have it to who much is given much is expected when God affords you a platform, you better be a good steward. So you better believe that I am a strong believer that some people don’t get a second shot because frankly they shouldn’t have had a first one. So hear me explicitly when I say that, that I understand that some people deserve to be removed from their position so they can no longer cause harm.

Nicole (00:16:41):
You heard me great. The other thing I do believe though, and I think a lot of you can align with this as well. Is people deserve a chance to rehabilitate themselves. I mean, my goodness, are we all a total measure of our lowest moment or is it possible that we are all deserving of a chance at redemption? And that is the thing I wanna address here. I believe that it is so important that whenever we’re looking at any scenario of any person, that we’re also recognizing that we’re holding them fully and completely accountable. And even if we cancel them, whether it’s permanently or temporarily, that there’s also a built in accountability around change. Listen, if I never hear from you again, I still care that you’re doing the work to show up in this world a better way. And what I don’t think a lot of us realize is that if we engage in cancel culture in a, in a big way, sometimes we’re also creating an environment where that person no longer has to work on changing.

Nicole (00:17:43):
All they do is go underground and they stop working. And now we don’t even know what they’re doing until they AMAs bigger things and cause bigger trouble. So I wanna use an example because if you’re like me real world application helps you understand a little better. And if you’ve been keeping up over the past couple weeks, past couple months, honestly, you’ve probably heard about this Johnny de and Amber heard trial and I don’t wanna get into the ins and outs of who’s the good guy. Who’s the bad guy. Who’s responsible. Who’s this, you know, it’s a whole entire hot mess express, especially for the littles listening. Y’all don’t need to hear about all those things. But what I will say is I wanna call out are inclination as humans, right? To find glee in gossip. And it is fun and entertaining and enjoyable to watch the salacious craziness of the private lives of others.

Nicole (00:18:39):
However boy, is it not good for us, boy? Is it not beneficial? How much does it help us grow to sit here and ignore our own lives while finding joy in the demise of others? Now make no mistake. I’ll watch a little rural house while was myself. Okay. <laugh> make no mistake. I’ll catch a show here or there that it probably isn’t the best content. We’re all people. And I understand the guilty pleasures, but the real question then becomes when we start engaging in battles in our private lives around who’s right and who’s wrong. I gotta tell you when I became someone who had their own TV show and someone that was discussed in a public way, one of the unexpected unintended consequences of that. And I say consequence, not in a negative way, but outcomes is that I became far more compassionate to any sort of judgment that’s thrown at any public figure.

Nicole (00:19:37):
I mean, when I now hear that a certain celebrity is being said to, I can’t believe she didn’t let him see her kids. I can’t believe she didn’t show up on time for that concert. I can’t believe that she didn’t pay that bill or take care of that tax or she wasn’t prepared for this thing. I get that at base value. When you see that headline or you see that conversation happening in whatever thread or you hear about that clip on TMZ, it feels like you have the whole story. So you feel like you can make a whole judgment, but I wanna caution you friend about making 100% judgment on only 1% of the information. And that is often the case with most people. And here’s what I wanna talk to you about and how this applies to grace. Listen, we both know, especially with this trial, both of these people are struggling and more than anything, we also know that neither one of them was fit to be in a relationship.

Nicole (00:20:39):
I don’t even know with anyone. I’m not even sure if either one of these people should have a dog, okay. There is a hot mess going on here. But what I also can tell you is it should be pretty telling if in the court of public opinion. And if in the media one minute a woman can be seen as completely a victim. And oh my gosh, we need to cover her in poor thing. And then within a couple weeks with a little bit of new conversation in the court of public opinion, she is a villain. She is a demonized. She is awful. Now I’m not saying one is right and one is wrong and yes, information, data matters. And when you find out things, things do change and are applied. But, and to teach a little bit about how to take in the information you’re being provided.

Nicole (00:21:21):
And that’s where we come in as individuals, we’re always going to be fed the juiciest parts of the gossip. We’re always gonna be fed the statements and the lines and the, the things that evoke and create the most emotion from us. Why? Because it sells papers. Why? Because it’s easy.

Why cuz it creates clicks and why? Cuz we like it but much like I love ice cream donuts, popcorn, fudge, and a variety of snacks. Anything that’s salty. I like to alternate between salty and sweet. I like a snack. Okay. As much as I like those things, it doesn’t mean that they’re good for me in excess. And it definitely doesn’t mean that I can just have them without considering what they’re going to be in terms of impact on my body. And the same thing applies with everything that you’re taking in all. I want you to do friend, when you hear something that sounds like a pretty sharp hot take on one side is for you to take that information in and say, there’s gotta be something more.

Nicole (00:22:19):
There’s gotta be something more. There’s got to be another side. The truth always lies in the middle. And it doesn’t mean that we can’t say, especially around certain things like racism and human rights and L G B T Q I a rights and human kind, just all of these things, you know, it’s our religious freedoms and personal speech. Like all of these things, you can take a side on <laugh> do you know what I mean? Because you people deserve to be protected. People deserve to be able to live. People deserve to be able to feel safe as who they are. That is a clear cut unequivocal. Don’t need to argue about its side right and wrong, clear, but all the nuances on how we get there, that’s the conversation. And what happens when we get caught up in, in things that polarize us that put us on one side or the other is that we stop having conversations.

Nicole (00:23:08):
We start seeing the person across the table. We start seeing our neighbor as someone who’s against us and not necessarily someone who is very similar to us who has a desire to feel safe, who has a desire to feel loved, who has a desire to feel hope who just wants to show up in the world and feel like they matter. And that’s the same thing you want for yourself, right? And it’s the same thing you want for your little, it’s the same thing I want for you. And we may look at how we get there a little differently, but those conversations, we can find a middle as long as we keep having them. But once we believe those narratives that say, you need to pick side and stay there and no matter what, this is who you are and it defines everything and you’re not allowed to evolve and you don’t have space to change.

Nicole (00:23:50):
And we’re not gonna create a environment where you have access to tools to change. We’re just gonna say, this is who you are and that’s all you’ll ever be. Well, I don’t know if that’s a world I wanna live in because as you’ve been hearing on this podcast, I am evolving. I am a hot mess. And all I can ask for is grace. As I make my mistakes and hopefully tools and feedback and opportunities so I can change and be better. And that’s what I try to do with you here. I’m trying to take everything I’m learning and bringing it to you. So one, you don’t have to make my mistakes. And two, you can stay encouraged in the hot mess that you’re dealing with day in and day out and three so that you know that I’m always a safe place for you to come to say, look, I’m just trying to figure it out.

Nicole (00:24:31):
And I’m glad we get to do life together, cuz here’s where I’m stuck. And I know that you’ll try to at least point me in the right direction. And I think that’s kind of what we all wanna be for each other, because what better way to move ourselves forward than to not make ourselves content by getting all caught up in the junky content. So friend, go ahead and indulge a little bit, have a suite here once in a while, lean in on a couple of reality programs and maybe keep up with the latest happenings with the celebrities, but make sure that no matter what happens, you don’t get caught up in the headlines and forget that everyone is human. We all deserve to have generous.

Nicole (00:25:23):
All right. Y’all so you know that I am not the person who has every single interview and all that. Cause one, I care about your time. <laugh> okay. You listen to a million different podcasts and you have chats with lots of people and they’re always rotating different people too. You know how they go? Hi. I’m so glad you’re here. Oh, you’re awesome. How’d you have that hardship? Tell me how that worked. Here’s a lightning round. You’re so great work. Can we find you, listen, we’ve done it a million times. Not here. We are actual real internet friends. Okay. So I only wanna introduce you to people that are like my real friends, people that I know people that you may not have heard of, but you should know. And I also wanna introduce you to the people who are helping change my life day in and day out because I know that they can change yours.

Nicole (00:26:05):
So with that in mind, I’m super excited to introduce you to someone that you’ve actually probably already know because I talk about her all the time. If you follow me on Instagram at Nicole Walters, you’ll see that I am always posting about my, uh, work in speaking and how I’m constantly, uh, working on my keynote speeches, how I’m in studio, how I’m practicing. And uh, you may have seen the back of a beautiful blonde haired woman, you know, walking with me into speaking engagements and pointing at things and cheer me on and making sure I’m on top of my game. And this woman’s changed my life. I’ve actually been working with her for six years and I’m really grateful because not only has she made me a better and clearer speaker, she’s made me incredibly impactful. And aside from all that over these six years, she’s become a really good friend. And through the highs and lows of life, she’s helped me bring that to all of you, both from stage and in moments like this, you know, with the most honest and vulnerable and lesson filled way. And she’s just incredible. So I, I won’t keep going on and on. I’ll let you guys meet her now, but I’m so excited to invite into our car, into our kitchen, into our chats because we almost never have anyone here, but I’ll bring in a friend to lunch. Y’all Danielle, DiMasi.

Danielle (00:27:22):
Hey, that was exactly as we practiced it

Nicole (00:27:26): Exactly. Y’all listen here.

Danielle (00:27:27):
We’re I know it sounded natural. It sounded like that was just coming from her heart, but we’ve been practicing that, but that was the work for the six years. Introducing me in this podcast.

Nicole (00:27:36):
See, this is, this is the person I’ve worked with. She’s amazing. Y’all so super excited that she’s here today because there’s a million questions that I get in my DMS ever since I’ve started showing my speaking process. The first thing being that people were shocked at how much work went into it.

Danielle (00:27:52):
Yeah. Well I think everything that you do has so much work into it. This is just one element of the, of everything that you do that you work this hard. It’s just, I get a front row seat to it. And you know, because we don’t generally see this work. We don’t see the behind the scenes of a keynote speech or speaking or even panels, you know, any media work any time that we’re speaking in front of people, we just think, oh, they’ve just making this up on the spot’s so natural. This is a conversation, but to do it well, you do need to do this level of work. You know that you’ve put into it and that’s why you great at what you do.

Nicole (00:28:21):
Look at this. You guys, she’s literally here to just, just flatter me. You’re too kind. It’s not like this in studio. <laugh> she’s like, do it again.

Danielle (00:28:29):
<laugh> no, it’s the Danielle sandwich. I think you call it

Nicole (00:28:31):
A Danielle sandwich. It’s so I see what you did there. That was really, really good. You’re gonna need to work on all of this, cuz it was terrible, but guess what? We’ve got plenty of time. <laugh> <laugh>, that’s how it is. So, um, I love a Danielle sandwich. I love a little bit of a compliment sandwich there. So let’s just talk about speaking overall as a concept mm-hmm <affirmative> public speaking is the biggest fear mm-hmm <affirmative> that people have. And I want to call out because not everyone listening is a speaker or in business, or even has a desire to have a platform with a microphone that way mm-hmm <affirmative>. But a lot of my friends, we minimize that. Like, you know, if you speak at a PTA board, that’s speaking, if you have to, you know, talk to your family about plans, even if you’re more comfortable there, that’s still speaking. Mm-hmm <affirmative> there’s lots of times that we’re called to share mm-hmm <affirmative> whether it’s our story or a message or teaching and uh, frankly it gives us butterflies. So, oh yeah. What is that all about?

Danielle (00:29:21):
Even, even in meetings, like you said, even just like speaking up in a meeting or mm-hmm <affirmative> or, or anything, whether that’s at school, work home, like you say, yeah, we speak up and, and it is the, it’s a number one fear in the world, Jerry Seinfeld famously said that people would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy. Wow. And, and when I always speak to people and they say, wow, that’s what you do. I’m like, yeah, my full-time job is the number one fear in the world. And you would never think that because you would think like, oh, you’re a snake Wrangler, you know? And it’s just

Nicole (00:29:49): Like, <laugh>

Danielle (00:29:50):
Putting your hand up to say, I’m gonna say some words, but, but you know, if, if it’s something that’s so common and so many have this, you know, fear around, you know, I think that there’s a, there’s a comfort in that as well to say that if this is something that you wanna do, this is just something that we can overcome. And we can talk, definitely talk about that.

Nicole (00:30:07):
I love that. I mean, it sounds like there is a lot of merit in actually conquering that because you’re learning skills that can be applied in other places because it’s such a big fear that oh yeah. People have. So that being said, what are your thoughts about how do you think people even get that way? I mean, because you know, having gone through a lot of therapy in my current season and learning a lot about traumas and you know, how they start off to when we’re young, I feel like most of us are probably at some point in time told that we need to get up and speak. Yep. And you know, much like people having a fear of water around a swimming incident or, you know, a fear of my brain of course is like cake ketchup, because this is how my brain works right now. Mm-hmm <affirmative> who has a fear of cake and ketchup. I don’t know. But the point being people get

Danielle (00:30:44):
Someone just heard that and was like, I feel very San.

Nicole (00:30:47):
I feel heard right now. <laugh> finally, and I am not minimizing your fear. You know, everything’s real, but mm-hmm, <affirmative> that being said, you know, everyone’s fears come from something, but how is this a widespread

Danielle (00:30:58):
Obviously like what you said, there’s, we’ve got traumas that in the west anyway, in, in academia that we sort of go into school and then they’re like, okay, it’s your term. We’re gonna present this. Like at the science fair, or you’re gonna stand up on Wednesday and you are doing your speech or you have to come up the front and, and tell us about your bunny. Like whatever it is. And, and that’s the only guidance we’re given is this is your time you’re standing up in front of all of your peers and doing whatever it is. And it’s not necessarily something that we’re super passionate about unless we’ll show and tell, do you guys do that over

Nicole (00:31:28):
Here? Wow. We do show and tell my very first show and tell, I brought my baby sister. I brought a human <laugh> <laugh>.

Danielle (00:31:34):
That is a nice Nicole thing I’ve ever had.

Nicole (00:31:36):
It’s so Nicole, I was like, so my sister was just born <laugh> she’s alive. My dad’s bringing her at lunch and I’m used,

Danielle (00:31:42):
Should heard my, okay. Your parents were involved in this. Oh

Nicole (00:31:44):
Yeah. I didn’t just like sneak her into my book bag, but I thought about it and like they brought her, she was also a 10 pound baby. So there was no my book bag, but yeah, I brought her in and I was like, so y’all this is my sister mm-hmm <affirmative> I call her sister <laugh>. That was me.

Danielle (00:31:56):
So, uh, you know, I think so many, so many of us have these memories of, you know, young, you know, primary elementary school where, you know, I, I know for me, it was in year one and I had to stand up on a chair and present. Now I’m a weird one and I loved it and I got a merit certificate for it. Ooh. I know. I actually

Nicole (00:32:14):
Still have. You would still have it. I do. I do.

Danielle (00:32:17):
I should frame that, but most often there’s, there’s no context around why this is important to do it. If we were actually, if we actually taught our kids the value in being able to speak up critically think, and then speak up about our thinking and, and explain like why it’s important for us to speak up in these ways. We wouldn’t have this number one fear. It would go back to spiders. Well, that’s for me, I think second is

Nicole (00:32:39):
Death. It’s also for me. So I get it. Yes.

Danielle (00:32:41):
It’s true. Um, you know, so it’s, it hasn’t changed ever. We all have these stories, but then on top of that, cuz I’m a science girl, I’m an academic, it’s everything that we do, we do it in the way of Is it there and go, well, why do we do that? Why do we do what we do? Why is it that this happens? And that I’m really fun to be around. I’m really fun. <laugh>

Nicole (00:33:00): Super analytical.

Danielle (00:33:01):
Yeah. I’m like, oh, that’s interesting. And then I go home and like figure it all out, but look, ultimately our brains, um, you know, look has a couple of functions, but generally, you know, it also wants us to survive. So if we, you know, go into a it’s the same with network and this is why we have a fear of walking into a room of people that we don’t know, you know, that shouldn’t be scary. We’re all there for a common purpose to get to know each other. But we walk in, we’re so nervous about it and that’s because to our brain, you know, you don’t go to another tribe that you don’t know. And you’re like, Hey, Hey, going over here, how’s the berries. That’s the berries on this side of

Nicole (00:33:33):
Strangers that you won’t kill me for being a stranger.

Danielle (00:33:37): They’re

Nicole (00:33:37): Like,

Danielle (00:33:38): Come in, we’re

Nicole (00:33:38): Hardwired.

Danielle (00:33:39):
Yeah. And that will, will spear you. So you know, all of that sort of fear stuff to keep us surviving to, you know, to pull us away from danger in our amygdala, the most primal part of our brain is actually what gets activated when we get up to speak. Wow. And it goes back to that freeze fight or flight, then you might stand up in front of a, an audience, whether that’s three people where it’s 3000 people. And if someone says, oh, you know, he’s gonna get up or she’s gonna get up and speak, you stand up. And that’s why so often we either freeze and we’ve all had those experiences. Mm-hmm <affirmative> we just wanna kind of get out of it. And that’s when we start talking about our cats. Right. You know, and, and, and then, and then they’re like, okay, thank you. Sit down. You’re like, what just happened? <laugh> what

Nicole (00:34:20):

Happened? Yes.

Danielle (00:34:21): Did I do it? Oh my God.

Nicole (00:34:22):
I did it. It’s so funny because hearing the science behind it, at least for me is comforting. Yeah. Because it lets me hear. And, and I know my friends are like this too, you know, I just like to know that there’s a reason why I’m strange <laugh> and that it’s not just that I woke up this way.

Danielle (00:34:37):
Yes. Science, science, science,

Nicole (00:34:39):
Science. So what I’m hearing, the big two things that I’m extracting from this are that, you know, we’re kind of hardwired from the beginning to be afraid of new scenarios. Mm-hmm <affirmative> and what’s happening is that’s getting affirmed through nurture. Yep. That we’re gonna be thrown into a new scenario and it be expected to perform. Yeah. And no wonder we’re afraid. So yep. The one I’m extracting here is that there are two things that need to happen. One, we need to know why the heck we’re in this scenario and what matters. And I wanna dig into that first and then two, if we’re prepared and knowing what room we’re walking into. Yeah. Maybe we won’t be as scared about it.

Danielle (00:35:12):
Yeah. And that’s where you and I always talk about in our sessions, like, you know, if something’s going on, like, don’t worry about muscle memory. Like this is a, say our brain is a muscle. So we’ve gotta, constantly be pulling ourselves out of that amygdala out of that most part of our brain. So we’re not up there freezing. We’re not up there talking about our cats, shout out to Trev my, my cat <laugh>. Um, but you know, we, that’s not what you’re there for, unless you’re a cat expert, then,

Nicole (00:35:35): Then have at it at it.

Danielle (00:35:37): There’s your moment.

Nicole (00:35:38): Yeah.

Danielle (00:35:38):
This, this is it. This is, you know, this is it. This is gonna work for you, but this is why we want to be practicing. This is why we wanna get really clear on our, why, why we’re there. And that’s why we don’t. We, you know, it’s crazy to me that we don’t teach our kids this to be like, you are gonna speak up and this is why. And then you did such a good job, and this is why you did a good job. This is so good. That would change everything.

Nicole (00:35:59):
I love this because also as a mom of a little mm-hmm, <affirmative>, you know, she’s in that phase, she’s in fourth grade and she’s starting to do science fairs. Yeah. And speaking up, it’s not just kind of group things. And she’s also coupling that with, you know, she’s a young girl, the hormonal awareness of what do people think of me and how do I look? And she’s just at that phase. And yeah, people listened to, I think on episode three of this season, you know, she was actually a guest talking about boundaries. Mm-hmm <affirmative>, you know, and talking about how we’re learning, how to care more about how people see us and how we should treat and all those things. Yeah. So we actually had a whole situation, you know, the internet aunties will hear all about this, but we had a whole situation where she had a science fair.

Nicole (00:36:36):
And I mean, this cutie pie lost a week of sleep. Yeah. Behind being so scared of what she was going into mm-hmm <affirmative> and I’m coaching, I’m standing with her, letting her know, like, look, this scenario that you’re painting your head of you standing up in a stadium and being center stage and not knowing what to say or what you to say is not good enough. It just isn’t reality. But the truth is she was so ill prepared. If you will. Mm-hmm <affirmative> with a, why she, she didn’t understand why does a science thing even matter. Yep. And then two, what do I have to say and how do I have to do it? So, I mean, we worked and we prepared and just to let all the aunties know she killed it. Of course she did. She slate it. Of course. And at the end of it, she was like, one very quickly, like you just said, she had, she said, Hey, this was nowhere near as big, bad, or scary as I thought it would be. And two now I feel like I could do this in front of a whole stadium. Yeah. You know? So I, I really think it’s interesting because it sounds like this why part is a really big factor. So can you tell me a little bit more about that? Why cuz I have my thoughts around it, but you’re the expert here? Why does it matter? Why I’m getting on stage? Yeah.

Danielle (00:37:41):
You know, this is the number one and you know, you and I had this conversation six years ago when we first started working together on everyone that I work with, I have this conversation with, and it’s the same, um, with my students, I’m a university lecturer. And even with, you know, discussing with the students going like for them to explain who they are, even at networking events and because that’s still a form of speaking when you have to go out and they’re like, that’s true. Tell me about yourself. And then you’re like, so

Nicole (00:38:04):
You mean even a small group, even if I’m just walking up to a group of four people, it’s still a form of public speaking

Danielle (00:38:08):
Because what happens? Like we walk into this group, right. And let’s say like a networking event and there might be like three, four people in a little group that’s standing there a little cluster and you walk up because you have to do something mm-hmm <affirmative> and, and what do they do? They stop talking. A spotlight comes on you, ah, you know the piano. I feel the nerves right now

Nicole (00:38:26):
As just saying, I dunno if you guys are feeling just like, yeah.

Danielle (00:38:29):
And, and then everyone starts talking and looks at you because one, we are polite. We are people we’re polite. We don’t know if you’re walking over to be like, and dinner is now served. Like, I know this is true. True. You need, you have information for us or you are walking up just because you don’t wanna stand. Like Barry, no friends in the corner is also what we do. And so, you know, there’s so many easy things. I talk about this to my university students or college students all the time about, you know, you walk up and you just have to be intentional. But also when you go to these events, understand why you’re going. So you can walk up to this group when they stop. Inevitably, stop talking and look at you. Don’t talk about Trev, my cat. Um, talk about, oh, Hey, it’s so nice to meet you or please just keep talking or I’m Danielle or, you know, whatever that may be. Right. And you just, if you can constantly be conscious around why you are there, whether it’s on stage, whether it’s walking to a cluster, whether it’s speaking up at a meeting, be very, very clear. And if you go into your most primal part of your brain, you’re amygdala, I keep doing this cuz that’s what it looks like. Just take a moment and you and I do this all the time and go, so what I’m trying to say here is, and your brain will finish the rest of the sentence. Mm

Nicole (00:39:34): That’s such a good tool

Danielle (00:39:36):
To use. Yeah. Gives you a moment just to catch up. So in coming back to the why, like I said, it’s just been intentional about why you’re doing it. So anytime I work with anyone it’s always is first is why you’re doing this work. Mm. And, and why that’s important is people usually go, oh, I, I have to speak. Or I’m constantly being asked to speak or,

Nicole (00:39:56):
Well, I get that all the time. Cause you know, I work with consulting clients and people are so quick to say, I have to get on stage because that’s gonna help with my brand visibility or I have to get on stage because that’s, what’s expected of me. You know? Like the next person next to me is booking these gigs. I should be too. And I’m very quick to say, you know, just like with launching any product or building out your business, why? Yeah. Like why is, does this make sense for you? Don’t just do it cuz someone else is doing it and or people look at me and say, well, you’re a natural obviously. And it’s like, I have a knack for it. Yes. But nothing is automatic. You know? So yeah. I mean we hear all the time, frankly, your why needs to be rooted in so much purpose and it needs to be rooted in all of these things, but you have a fresh take on it. Yeah. So

Danielle (00:40:37): What

Nicole (00:40:37): Is this? Why about

Danielle (00:40:38):
This? Isn’t some great, you know, existential sort of dilemma that you need to go meditate on, you know, a mountain for six months to figure out. Sure, sure. Why am I going to do these keynotes? It can simply be around. And, and where I was getting at before, is you just because you’re being asked to speak doesn’t mean that you should, and other people shouldn’t be deciding how you’re going to move forward with your brand or business. Or we should

Nicole (00:41:01):
Pause on that before we dive into the deep Y X existential part. <laugh> y’all just because you’ve been asked to speak just cuz someone pass you, the mic does not mean you should use it. If that isn’t a whole entire word right there, I gotta just wait. We’re gonna, we’re gonna go back to move forward for a second here. Mm-hmm <affirmative> one of the things that just drives me crazy online as somebody who has invested time, money and effort into my keynote are the people who get online and brag like crazy about how I just wrote this thing in the back of the car.

Danielle (00:41:32):
I just wrote this thing,

Nicole (00:41:33):
Do that in a flight, mid transit. Yeah. I just threw this thing. I just was winging it and just said, whatever God put on my heart on stage. And I gotta tell you that’s one way to do it. You know what I mean? But for me, one it’s insulting to the people who are held hostage and captive for 45 minutes to listen to you speak that you didn’t see, they planned their outfit. Mm-hmm <affirmative> okay. You didn’t see it fit as the paid person on that stage, paid six figures, five figures. What have you, or even just invited to take a couple more minutes, a couple hours, a couple days to know what you’re gonna say and give those people in that room. That’s an insult. Yeah. It’s unprofessional.

Danielle (00:42:07):
And we’re not in here. We’re not talking about, you know, any old mate, just going to have a chat at some networking event on a Thursday afternoon, we are talking about some of the biggest speakers

Nicole (00:42:16): Major.

Danielle (00:42:17): Cause

Nicole (00:42:17):
You’ve worked with a range. I mean y’all Don know the dance has worked with some of the best in the game. And I mean, these big, huge people will literally make it up as they go, even though they’ve been contracted. And I just wanna let you guys know, I’m not talking about the people who are contracted for Q and a obviously you can’t plan a Q and a and or people who make it clear that that is their style. Yes. All that business is, is doing what you say you will do. So if you say that you’re going, you’re a professional keynote speaker. Well, there is a commonly understood definition of what that is and it is not prepping your keynote five minutes before you

Danielle (00:42:51):
Start. It’s not on the plane. That’s not cute. It’s not going out there. Yeah. So these are, I’m talking about, you know, your a hundred, $150,000 keynote speakers that do this constantly every weekend, every week they’re on their plane, on the weight to the event, writing notes. Now granted they have some solid stories to tell they’ve got their structure. They, they follow their slides. If they have them. A lot of them now these days don’t or slap a Pinterest quote up there <laugh> and um, <laugh> but they celebrate it. You’ll see mm-hmm <affirmative> the social media post. And every time I just go, please don’t please. Don’t like, especially if you are female and you have a platform to speak, take the time for yourself to yes, but for every single female in that audience that is watching you, that knows that you did the work.

Danielle (00:43:37):
And if they can sit there and, and, and be inspired and go home and do their work with what we’re talking about here today, with having intention, understanding their why, and then they can get up and speak on any stage that they want. Yes. You know, that is also your responsibility and, and these people, these professionals, these experts, top of the line, you know, keynote speakers, celebrate writing it on the way or they’ll get there and then they’ll speak and be like, you know what? I had my keynote, but on the way here, it’s been called into my heart to talk about this. Nope. That’s not why you are hired for, please talk about what way in a structured way. True. I get you go, go in the back in the green room and talk yeah. Heart out. Right. You know, and the thing that I hate the most, cuz this is their exit door is saying, if I can just reach one person, Nope, you are gonna reach every single person in this org. That’s right. That’s the work that we do here is not about reaching one person. You do this work. Well, you do it. Right. And you’ll reach every person in that room because that’s the work that we do. We sit that all the time. Right. All

Nicole (00:44:40):

The time. So let’s call it what it is. If you get up on stage mm-hmm <affirmative> you are ill prepared. Yes. You don’t even have a product to sell after the fact mm-hmm <affirmative> and you literally are just up there to speak willy-nilly and then walk away. You’re selfish. Yep. It’s not about the people at

Danielle (00:44:54):
All. And so often they’re like, nailed it. Now I’ve gotta be clear. These are not my clients. These are

Nicole (00:44:59):
Not my clients. You would never, you would never,

Danielle (00:45:02):
Right? No, I’m not sitting in that room. If that happened. They’re like, you know what? I’m gonna speak. You know, actually that did happen once. And I was like,

Nicole (00:45:10):
I’m outta here. <laugh>

Danielle (00:45:12):
We are going, we are not doing the Danielle sandwich today.

Nicole (00:45:15):
You’re very particular about who you work with and what’s required. Yeah. And I guess that all circles back to the why mm-hmm <affirmative> so we’re talking about how people are showing up and the reason why we took a minute to address that y’all is because this is what’s being glamorized. Yes. On the internet. And frankly, people do this sort of thing and they say it because they think it makes ’em look even better. They’re like, oh, they can just throw that together in five minutes. They’re so good. And so outta reach mm-hmm <affirmative> I never have that knack. And I just want you to hear all that is poppycock mm-hmm <affirmative> okay. That’s just not real life. Really talented speakers who get booked time and time again and are impactful, which is a huge part of getting booked time and time. Again, those people practice, they do work, they prep, they spend money and uh, they’re like you, they care about their content. So let’s talk about the why that drives the content. People just need to know why they’re doing it.

Danielle (00:46:02):
Yeah. So first of all, you’ve gotta think about this as like a one woman or one man show. That’s how, you know, the, we are directing a theater performance here because that’s how we have to, we have to be likable. We have to get a message across. We have to have a point of being there. You need to understand who you are, who they are in the audience and who you are to them. So I’ll say that again. So who are you? Who are they? And who are you to them? Once you can answer those three things, you can put together, any sort of speaking sort of content that will reach them. That’s how you get away with making sure that you are touching everyone in that audience. Cuz you know, who’s sitting in the seats and what they want to get from you. You’re not there for you. You are really there for them in that event. That’s why you’re being hired events, a big thing to put on. And if you are just going in there, lackluster being like, oh, if I can just reach one person, Nope. They didn’t put this big event on. So one person can walk out being like

Nicole (00:46:53):
YY that yeah, you are paid, you are paid for everybody. That’s how that works. So, so I love this because um, it also emphasizes that your why can be a lot of things mm-hmm <affirmative> maybe you need to make a check. Maybe you need to grow your business, but whatever it is that should inform mm-hmm, <affirmative> how you’re showing up. And honestly it shouldn’t take away or extract from the quality

Danielle (00:47:10):
You get. No, no, that’s a really good point. So when we talk about, like I said, when I first start working with someone and, and I’ll say like, like why are you doing this work? Like what’s this for? And I always say, this can also be a private, why you don’t need to declare to the world’s social media during your keynote speech. Like why you are doing this mm-hmm <affirmative> it can also be like I’ve had clients that are like, I know that speaking is it, it, it pays bank. Yes. And so I wanna speak for that. I’m like, great. Then let us make sure that this hour keynote is just speaks to that gives you what you want. Make sure that everyone in the audience obviously gets value. You are being put on there for a reason, for whatever reason, but we, we meet that intention to make sure that, okay, you’ve gotta get booked and booked and booked and booked many times books or, yeah, exactly. So we set it up that way. Now that there might also be like, well, I have product to sell. I’m doing a book launch. I wanna get more media work. I wanna be seen as an authority. It doesn’t actually matter what the reason is. You can have any reason, but if you don’t have that reason, very clear, you are gonna have spaghetti on the wall keynote. And that means that maybe you will reach someone in the audience that got splattered with your marinara source,

Nicole (00:48:20):
But it’s not intentional.

Danielle (00:48:21):
It’s not intentional. Yeah.

Nicole (00:48:22):
And I love that because I, one of the things that I, I hope you guys are hearing is that one, as women we’re always told that it has to be something deeper. Mm-hmm <affirmative> oh, I’m doing it for my children. I’m doing it because I wanna change the world. I’m doing it. Because for some reason, the fact that we’re doing it because we wanna get paid is like not a good enough reason, right? This is a

Danielle (00:48:39):

Business activity.

Nicole (00:48:39):
It’s a business activity. Understand that if it will help you get the money that will elevate the purpose you’re called to that’s also okay. Have at it, have at it. But here’s the key part that makes it an inte, cuz money’s just a tool. Right? I always say that money is an earthly tool that helps me do heavenly work. Right. So money’s just a tool. But what I want you to understand is that it doesn’t give you the permission because you’re doing it toward your own purpose. Mm-hmm <affirmative> to not be good at what you’re doing. So let’s talk about being good at what you’re doing. Yeah. The, how does matter now, formulas change. You know that that’s not what I like to get into here with my friends. I believe that truly, we all need to reach out to our own experts and, and figure out our own path. But I like to break down learning how to do anything and giving up myself to time mm-hmm <affirmative> talent. Mm-hmm <affirmative> and humility. Yeah. So the time is my practice and consistency. My talent is my education support and what I got given God given and then humility, knowing that I’m I’m trash and I gotta keep working at it. <laugh>

Danielle (00:49:34):
So I didn’t say that that’s not in the sandwich. That’s not in

Nicole (00:49:37):
It wasn’t the sandwich. It was a condom. It was ever so light. You know, it was just a little bit of Mayo spread on there. So yeah. I mean that’s how I kind of think is that if I don’t have those three things, I can’t make it happen. What do you look for in someone who has, who, you know, has the aptitude to be great because they’re showing up in these ways,

Danielle (00:49:51):
You mean like when a new client comes through the door.

Nicole (00:49:53):
Yeah. Well, and not just that, but as they’re ongoing, cuz it’s been six years, you know, like every year you invite me to continue with you. Yeah. You know, that’s not something that is an opportunity that’s afforded to everyone. Yeah. So what ongoing and what evolution of skills is required, just get

Danielle (00:50:06):
It. Yeah. Clarity. It like clarity intention. And also my, this is first and foremost before any of that, I will only work with people that are doing good in the world. I will not make someone better at doing not great things. That’s

Nicole (00:50:20):

Good. Yeah. Because that’s your choice with your talent.

Danielle (00:50:22): That’s my choice.

Nicole (00:50:23):
Why would I give someone mm-hmm <affirmative> bigger and more microphones and bigger rooms. Yeah. Just for them to cause harm.

Danielle (00:50:28):
I’m not gonna allow you to cause more harm because I can teach anyone to be brilliant at speaking and to sharing their message and sharing a message that can be heard. And so it is also my responsibility to, with my talents to make sure that that is done in a good way. Yes. Yeah. So that’s that’s first and foremost, like what is the, you know, what is this being put out into the world? And like you said, that’s my choice. There’s many other people that will happily take that on and there’s all of us for everything. So that’s okay. And so then, then what comes next is like, well then what is this for? And then can I help you with this? Because I understand, like I said before, the things who am I, who are they and who am I to them? That’s anything with any time that you’re doing any sort of business interaction or so. Yeah,

Nicole (00:51:14):
Because people come to me and say, Hey Nicole, I need help with Facebook ads. I don’t do those. Yeah. I mean, honestly on the internet, you know, this more than anyone else, everybody feels like they have to do everything. Yeah. Like, no, like it’s America was built on specialization. <laugh>, you know, it’s find your craft stay in that craft scale, that craft mm-hmm <affirmative>. And so you’re saying, look, even with speaking, as someone comes to you and says, well, what I really wanna do is land a Ted talk. I know that you know how to do that. Yes. Especially for certain people without fail and crush it, but that may not be your best gifting for that particular person. Yeah. So you might say, Hey for you, I’m not the person to help you with that. Yeah.

Danielle (00:51:47):
Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. No, for sure. And, and there’s plenty of people that I’ve worked with. There’s there’s many Ted talks that those listening today would’ve watched on Ted, that I’ve written. So the kind of work that I do, I guess, is a good way to do it is kind of like book, ghost writing. So I am like the ghost writer of keynotes. And then we go into the, you know, studio and rehearse it. Mm-hmm <affirmative> like a one person show, um, make sure that we get all the beats, right. The cadence, the, the projection, everything, right. That the actual performance of it.

Nicole (00:52:15):
So you actually have to immerse yourself in people’s brands, which means that frankly, since you have to immerse yourself, be in the brand, get out the clarity that they may be close to, to find themselves. Yeah. You better like them <laugh>

Danielle (00:52:26):
Yeah. So they’re experts in. Yeah, for sure. So they’re,

Nicole (00:52:28):
You have to believe first.

Danielle (00:52:29):
Yeah. And I have to understand it because I have to completely go in there. And, and where I sit is always as an audience member, like I’m sitting there as different audience members to say, no, that’s not clear. We didn’t get that. And I can only do that if I understand the content, if I understand their purpose and they need to as well. So, you know, it may be someone doing a Ted talk. I completely wrote someone’s um, very large 60 minutes interview the audience, you know, all of the answers sort of thing, cuz they knew what that was gonna be. Cuz it was a very big story. Sure. So that’s also another way to making sure, like, you know, I always say like my job is to make people talk about themselves better. Mm-hmm <affirmative> whether that’s online in a 60 minutes, you know, interview, whether that’s a Ted talk, whether that’s a keynote, like the work that you and I doing, whether that’s nailing, you know, the panel and it’s all about helping that person talk about themselves better. That’s the work that I do to do that. I need to make sure that you understand your work and we can work together on it to make sure that it’s structured in a way that an audience member can receive. That’s so good. And then also get the outcome that you want. But you, again, I know I I’ve said this a few times, but you can only get that outcome. You can only get that outcome if you are clear on why you are standing on that stage and why anyone should sit in front of you.

Nicole (00:53:40):
Oh, that’s so good. So, okay. We have covered a lot of ground mm-hmm <affirmative> and so many things I love that we kind of unpacked the fear of public speaking. Yeah. And we made it something that I think that when you understand the science behind it, you realize that, you know, it’s not really a fear that you have to own. It’s something that may have been put in you mm-hmm <affirmative> which means you certainly can choose to take it out of you. So I think that’s incredibly impactful. And we did talk a little bit about the importance of the why, which, you know, I think we all hear in different spaces all the time that the why matters and we need that. And we talked about the, how, which is, you know, you do have to get in the studio and there’s lots of different ways that you can help mm-hmm <affirmative> and reach out to people.

Nicole (00:54:12):
But I do want to kind of close out with one big thing, which is, it sounds like you keep talking about needing to have that clarity around how we wanna show up in the world. Mm-hmm <affirmative> and it’s one of the number one questions I get from people, Nicole, how do I find my purpose? Yeah. Nicole, how do I know what I’m supposed to do? And I tell people day in and day out, don’t buy into this whole concept that your purpose is some destination. Yeah. You are living it constantly. Mm-hmm <affirmative>. And uh, if your purpose in that moment is to make sure your kids get on that bus with their lunchbox and everything. Mm-hmm all of that plays into their future and the greater purpose. So I’ve just gotten away from this whole, my purpose is a destination. And if I’m not there at the destination, mm-hmm <affirmative> everything else is, is pointless.

Nicole (00:54:50):
Mm-hmm <affirmative> I just can’t be. But I do believe that there is some clarity around like what direction are you walking? Yeah. As you’re doing your purpose, you know? So in that season, is that purpose being home with the family mm-hmm <affirmative> and is that the direction I need to walk? Or isn’t this season? The purpose being away from my family, as I prepare for next things, what does it look like? So I guess my question to you then is how on earth can you help people get clarity around that brand story to drive that clarity in that conversation? I mean, do you have tools? Can people book you? Do you have exercises? Like what can

Danielle (00:55:21):
You do? Yeah, yeah. Of course. Like, you know, we can work together like you and I have done for sure. Sure. For so many years. And, and that’s an opportunity definitely. For some

Nicole (00:55:28):
Girl that’s expensive. <laugh> I’m just gonna say it out loud. Y’all she’s not cheap. <laugh> when I first paid those first coins to her, I felt it. Okay. <laugh> and fortunately the coins have gotten a little easier to come up with, but, but you know, I’m just talking about like the mom who’s saying to herself, I just really wanna know how to introduce myself at a PTA meeting or the corporate executive who’s listening right now and saying to themselves, I wanna stand up in that meeting and sound like, I know what I’m saying. Yeah. And command that respect in that room that I already earn deserve and should have. Yeah, absolutely. So is there, um, yeah, this is how they work with you. This

Danielle (00:56:01):
Is the core thing of what I do. Like I said, everything that I do is always like helping people talk about themselves better. And whether that’s on social media, whether that’s on a, a keynote stage, a Ted Ted stage, you know, any, any platform that you have written or, you know, in front of people and also your LinkedIn summary, you’re about you page mm-hmm <affirmative>, everything comes down to that first moment that you stand up in front of either a microphone, you know that LinkedIn sort of sentence to say, this is who I am. This is what I do. This is the value that I bring. You know, who am I? Who are you? And who am I to you? That’s what we need to explain. But what happens is we freeze, right? We freeze up and we go, uh, I’m in a family business since, you know, 500 BC like right.

Danielle (00:56:44):
You know, and we go to the, what we do, what we should be talking about first for people to connect with us is to talk about the why, if you are especially in business or you’re a professional and you are one of five that they’re trying to pick towards and every single person has the same start of who they are. Mm-hmm <affirmative> then how do we pick? And the only way that you can stand out is to connect with that audience person, whether it’s one or 1000 is to make sure that they instantly get who you are by talking in a way that their brain connects with it straightaway. Cuz our brains real

Nicole (00:57:14):
Lazy. Yes. A real lazy make it easy for, for

Danielle (00:57:16):
Me. Yes. So there’s a part of our brain called the basal ganglia that is constantly looking out for where we can shut down. This is noise. This is noise. This is noise. Usually advertising. For instance, we don’t see the billboards cuz we know it’s noise. So it, the brain shuts it down the same. As soon as we start talking about ourselves on stage or on paper to say, this is who I am, you do it in a way that is what we see constantly. We are not gonna connect with that. So you need to make sure that you start to understand that question, finish the sentence. I am dot, dot dot. Who are you? Who are you? And who you are always comes down to. Why you do what you do. Always, always why you do what you do. And that’s the work that the core work I do with everyone. And um,

Nicole (00:57:55):
It’s worked for me. Oh yeah. I know that. I’ve been having that clarity, especially, you know, as I’ve talked about here, you know, on, in my chats weekly with my friends and then, you know, on stage mm-hmm <affirmative> I’ve had to change a lot, you know? Yeah. Some of those changes have been not my choice. Mm-hmm <affirmative> unexpected. Some of them have been changes that I have initiated myself and getting clarity on how to communicate those changes. The people around me also has not only lent itself to a greater security in this world. Mm-hmm <affirmative> but it’s also allowed me to get the help that I need. Yeah. To really grow in those areas.

Danielle (00:58:23):
Yeah. Cuz people, like I said, who are you? Who are they? And who are you to them? Yes. In any business, you know, situation. They can instantly in their busy life go, got it.

Nicole (00:58:31): I need you. Yeah. I

Danielle (00:58:32):
Need that. So it’s always comes down to the, also these three things. So that, that any time that they look at where you’re explaining yourself, who are you, they should say, I see you. I get you. And this makes sense. So I see you, you’ve done the work you’re out there. You’re visible. So I see you. I get you. The, I get you is like, cool, you, this is your background. This is what you’re talking on. This is the value. But the third thing is so important. And this is where the, why kicks in is this makes sense. Of course you do this work, right. Of course you are doing this. Of course you’re on that stage. Of course I’m reading your paper, your book, whatever that may be. And also of course like that’s where you do it in the summary of who are you, it’s so important.

Danielle (00:59:09):
So what that would look like instead of talking about like what you are, is first talk about why you do what you do now. So many people and professionals, you go, well, why do you do this work? Well, I really love solving problems. And it’s like, no you don’t why. And so you have to, I always say, keep asking why, why and why, again, until you get goosebumps, when you get goosebumps, you got it. Start riding that person because that is your why problem solving, working in a team collaborating. I like to help people. It’s my mission. I wanna coach on what none

Nicole (00:59:41): Of us feels this way.

Danielle (00:59:42):
And that, and that is one of those

Nicole (00:59:44):
Feels this way. That’s the reason why I’m perfect for this job is because I just really love serving mm-hmm <affirmative> is not. It is

Danielle (00:59:50):
Stopping people. I’m a people perfectionist. <laugh>

Nicole (00:59:52):
That’s my worst trade is I just do everything. Awesome.

Danielle (00:59:55):
I just go in there, like, what’s your weakness? I’m like, I still, a lot of stationary. <laugh>

Nicole (01:00:00): So much,

Danielle (01:00:01): You should

Nicole (01:00:02):
See my posted parking spot. I picked the spot closest to the door. <laugh>

Danielle (01:00:06):
So, so coming back to anytime someone says, oh, who you are, it’s nice to meet you. Or you’re starting your speech. You’re starting your book. You’re starting your LinkedIn summary. You’re introducing yourself at this networking event when they say, oh no, one’s gonna be like, who are you? Right. Um, you know, but generally that is the, that is the question, right? Come back to always coming back to who am I is saying, I am dot, dot, dot. This is why I do what I do. And keep asking why until you get the goosebumps, you problem solve. Why? Because you had a problem in your life or in your career and someone was there to help you. And it changed everything for you. If that gives you goosebumps, you talk at that, that you wanna be that person in so many other people’s I give myself goosebumps and this is an imaginary person. Yes,

Nicole (01:00:47): Yes.

Danielle (01:00:47):
Ask why until you get goosebumps. And that is the core work of everything that I do. It doesn’t matter where anyone’s speaking to. You have to have the answer, finish that sentence. I am.dot.

Nicole (01:01:01):
Ask why until you get goosebumps, Danielle, this is so good. And so great. Obviously I could talk to you forever. I could talk at you and make you listen to me forever because we’ve done that also. And

Danielle (01:01:10):
Then I’ll hope you structure

Nicole (01:01:11):
And you’ll tell me it’s wrong. And then Daniel’s

Danielle (01:01:13):
The timelines and go that

Nicole (01:01:15):
Fun stuff. I’m so grateful and excited to be able to share you with all my friends, because you’re one of my smartest friends. Mm-hmm and I want them to know you too. And more than anything, I want them to be able to learn from you. Yeah. So I’ve been, you know, pushing you to kind of, you know, put something out there. Yeah. You know, to make sure that people have access because you know, what you have is so great. And I heard that you’ve kind of pulled some things together for us and where can people find out more about not just the services you have, but reading more about kind of your theories around what you do and like, you know, and what’s worked and what hasn’t worked in all of this, where can they find you?

Danielle (01:01:47):
Yeah. Thank you. Um, so just anyhow, D macy.com. So, or as an America, Danielle, I should say, um, so Danielle and then DMA C D I M a S i.com. And on there we can have a conversation or on social media and, and continue that conversation. I’m, I’m always here to help because this is why I left corporate 14 years ago. Yes. 14 years ago, this month, 12 years ago, I’m aging myself, 12 years ago. This month left corporate because I saw my colleagues in, I was a private banker and I saw that they were brilliant at what they did, but their customers never saw that. And they wanted to stay with me. And I was terrible at what I did in finance. I was great with the people side of things. And then I would see people that were so skilled at what they did and no one outside of us knew it. And so that’s why left corporate, because I wanted to make sure that I helped skilled people like those listening that are so good at what you do, make sure that those looking in, go, and now I get it. I see you. I get you. And this makes sense.

Nicole (01:02:44):
Oh, so good. Danielle de macy.com. Mm-hmm <affirmative> you guys head over there, but know that we’ve got all the details in the show notes. Danielle has like a small mini course, very, um, accessible. Yes. That you’ll be able to use if you wanna just get started and we’ll have those details in the show notes as well. So, uh, Danielle, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for the way you’ve poured into me and poured into my friends. Uh, you are a blessing.

Danielle (01:03:05):
Yeah. Thank you. It’s good. I I’m so glad to finally meet everyone because we’ve always talked about this and talked about how important everyone is, you know, in this community. So it’s nice to, to popping the door and be like, get a

Nicole (01:03:17):
<laugh> good day. Thanks for being here. Another great chat. Ah, I love spending time together. Now I need you to subscribe, rate and leave a review because I love hearing from you. And then come hang out with me on Instagram at Nicole Walters. I’ll be back here next week and I hope you are too. See you there, friend.

 

In this episode, Danielle and I share:

• How life has been life-ing behind the scenes,
• Why I compare pop culture with what I put in my body,
• The science behind the fear of public speaking,
• Why it’s important to know and define WHY someone should listen to you speak, and
• How to master the skill of public speaking so you can use your platform of privilege to make a big impact

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Visit DanielleDiMasi.com and enter your email address for FREE access to Danielle’s professional brand mini-course!
• Follow Danielle DiMasi on Facebook, YouTube, and Instagram
• Send me a DM on Facebook and Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss episode 1 from this season where I update you on the major pivot my life is taking
• Check out episode 2 of season 1 where we first talked about Doing The Work!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Grief & Grace

I love doing our normal Q&A + chat or interview but when something significant happens and we need a one-on-one, that’s exactly what we do here.

Friend, today we need a one-on-one. Just last week I released an episode that resonated with a lot of you. It was about complex family relationships, specifically about my relationship with my father. I didn’t know that just 24 hours after having that conversation, my father would pass away.

So today we’re chatting about this loss and how I’m experiencing grief and grace. Friend if there is one thing I want you to hear from this episode it’s this: If you are going back and forth on whether or not you want to do the work that’s required in order to get to a place where you’re able to have that peace around a relationship, I encourage you to do it.

Thank you for being here and walking through this season with me. Your messages, prayers, peace coverings, and everything in between are felt and so, so appreciated.

We’ll talk soon, friend.

Nicole:

Hey friend. So week after week, we come back here and we have an awesome chat and typically we’ll cover everything from your questions, Q & A. And I just love hearing from you and, you know, you can always reach out to me all over the internet, DMs @NicoleWalters, and the details are obviously in the show notes below.

But whenever we have something really important to talk about, whenever we have to have a one on one, we just keep it simple. It’s just me and you sitting in your car or around your table or in your kitchen preparing or working out. It’s just us having a friend chat and that’s what today’s gonna be. So if there are little kiddos listening, then I just want you to keep it in mind that this is more adult subject matter, but it’s nothing inappropriate. You just may wanna have a follow up chat to explain and give a little bit of context.

Last week we chatted and it was a tougher one. One that seemed to really resonate with you, the episode was called Family is forever, and this is one of my fastest downloaded episodes ever because the subject matter really seemed to connect for a lot of us. And in that particular chat, just high level, we talked a lot about how some of us feel so much pressure to keep people in our lives, no matter how they treat us, whether we have been abused by them, manipulated, mistreated, whether we just don’t really like the lifestyle they’re living.

And we find that it’s out of alignment or those people just frankly, aren’t very kind. And we feel pressure, whether it’s from society or friends or peers to maintain relationships or reignite relationships and not necessarily make the choice that might be best for ourselves or our future growth. And in that episode, I talked about how not only did that include our friends, you know but it also included our family, sometimes relationships as close as our own parents. And the example that I used in that particular episode was talking about my relationship with my father.

And I shared that you know, I’ll be going into detail about it extensively in my book with, you know, some specific highlighted stories that I think will really connect with a lot of you, but that I decided, you know, in the past several years to really minimize contact with my father, I hadn’t entirely chosen not to speak with him. Although there were seasons where I definitely did not, but I really had minimized his exposure to my mind, my family, my wellbeing, and generally my sense of self.

And I did that to maintain peace as well as to protect the growth that I’d made and the healing that I’d really fought for from, you know, a difficult childhood and somebody who, unfortunately, hadn’t done a lot of the work himself to be in a place where he could interact, you know, in a healthy manner for me and for my family.

That conversation was really tough to have. It was not easy to share with you guys that much like anything else, even though I say it all the time and you always give me so much grace, whenever I do that, my family is yet again in another way, imperfect and you know, a bit of a hot mess. <Laugh>, I think what’s nice about our growing friendship that we have here. Our internet best friendship is that we’re realizing more and more one, gosh, how alike we are, two, that no matter what, no one’s life is perfect. And hopefully three, that even with all the imperfection, we can still grow and, and be better and not continue generational cycles that are harmful.

And I’d really just step into our best selves, but that’s my intent behind sharing these things. And that was why I shared with you sort of my choice around that family decision. What, I didn’t know when we had that chat was that I would have that chat on a Friday afternoon and then Saturday morning I would get a phone call that my father had died.

I did know that my dad was ill for a while, and I did know that it was a possibility because he was older. And it’s important for me to update you on where I am and how I feel. It’s only been, just being completely transparent with you guys, like I always have, it’s only been about a week. And so I want to kind of address, you know, how I feel today, which very much feels like on the other side of what I was seeing just, you know, a few chats back with you.

So first I want to address that, I know the initial response for most people is one that is of empathy. It’s one of loss and acknowledgement of my loss, if you will, and condolences and sympathy. And when I shared that my father had passed online, that was the vast majority of the outpouring. And so I wanna say here, if you didn’t hear me say it on social, or if you know, I wasn’t able to respond to you privately in the DMs, thank you so much. The offering of, you know, extended peace for me and my family and prayers is well received.

And the fact that you even think to share those simple words or to take a brief moment in order to send positivity and healing and just general softness, you know, my way, and my family’s way is really meaningful. And it’s something that I hope you recognize is one more reminder that no matter whether it’s the internet or, you know, podcast, or what have you, there is still a very real connection between people. So I just wanna say thank you for that. Every single thing has been received and internalized, and thank you. I also wanna address that, I know that here, and you know, if you’ve ever seen me on stage or watched, you know, our TV show or, you know, any place that we’ve interacted, you know, that I love sharing a lot of my family’s traditional Ghanaian antics and stories, right?

I’m constantly talking about how, you know, my dad was pushing me to be the best or how, whatever I did wasn’t good enough. And you know, these classic Southern ways, my mom wants you to have more babies, yada, yada, yada. Right. So, you know, and I usually do that with their accent and I’m, you know, telling stories about my father’s work ethic and, you know, his immigrant can-do-ism and, you know, things like “We are Afri-CANs, we are not Afri-CANTs” <laugh>, you know, things like that. And we’ve had a lot of laughs about it. And frankly, what you may not have known is that a lot of times, I managed to turn these experiences into laughter to keep from crying, because it was really difficult to grow up in a household where somebody was so focused on their definition of success and making sure that all, all of the people around fit into it.

And the truth is that while I always managed, thankfully, to extract the messaging and the meaning out of a lot of the pain, and I managed to get everything I needed in order to thrive as an adult, the truth is our relationship was not a good one. It wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t balanced. And it wasn’t a relationship that reflected, I think what is at least clinically described as a healthy father-daughter relationship. And it was complex at best and traumatic at worst.

And what I can tell you is that thankfully through the past decade, I have had a lot of therapy. Lot of, I am very well-therapied. I have paid multiple college tuitions in therapy. <Laugh> okay. I have therapy down and having had that therapy, it’s really helped me put into context, the difficult childhood I had and how it has shaped me into who I am today. And it’s really helped me learn.

For those of you guys who are considering therapy, have heard me talk about it before, how not to let the negative narratives, right? The thoughts, the perceptions ideas, the concepts that were put into me by a fearful parent or an anxious parent or a ill-equipped parent to not let me absorb those thoughts as my own, to identify them and reject them when they don’t serve me and to make sure that they aren’t influencing and dictating the decision making that I make around my own life, because I, I don’t have to carry or inherit the trauma and the anxiety of my forefathers. You know, I can inherit their gifts and leave the rest. And I’m really grateful because it also puts me in a position where now, today I can speak pretty comfortably about, and candidly, honestly, about both sides of grief and also the grace that exists with hard family relationships.

And it’s with that, that I wanna say that I am aware that for most, many, I really hope many, that the loss of a parent is an intensely painful event. I have had to tell many people about the loss of my father and just update them. And I see in their eyes, the immediate connection to either their own loss, if they’ve already experienced it or a flash of fear that, you know, they’ve sort of realized how real mortality is. And they think of their own parents, you know, eventual passing. And I see that always tinge with love.

And I understand that this is difficult. And for some of you who are listening right now, who’ve experienced this loss or in the process of dealing with the transition or know that this time will come soon. It hurts five years, 10 years, 20 years down the line, you still miss them. When I think of the relationship that I fostered with my daughters and you know, being the adult on the other side of things, I’m gonna miss them too. <Laugh>, you know, when, when my time comes and I know that we’ll miss each other and it’s one sign of sort of doing the whole parenting thing, right, is that the losses felt, even though you leave behind very equipped children who are able to take on the world without you.

But I also wanted to speak to, and that’s kind of the intent of this time right now that for many like me, the loss of a parent is complicated. It’s a multi-layered moment that realistically challenges the strength of the therapy you’ve been getting. And it really does encourage and foster and necessitate really honest conversations with yourself, with God and with that therapist. And it really makes you reflect on how you feel about this loss.

Now I can say for me, in the end, nothing’s changed about how I feel about the conversation that I had with you a few weeks ago. I do not regret the choices that I made regarding the relationship that I had with my father while he was here. I do not regret the choice that I made to focus on my future, protect my peace and choose a life that is filled with joy and surrounded by people that wanted to support the lifestyle required for that joy.

I’m not mourning the loss of my father in the same way now, because one of the things that I’m aware of and something that I think many of you may feel as well, is that I had to mourn the loss of what a father could be many, many years ago when I had to acknowledge that I would never have the relationship that I wanted or deserved from the man that was my father. And so this isn’t the first death. This is truly the second.

And in the end, my father, he battled early onset Parkinson’s disease for over 20 years. So I saw him morph and change and wither away into someone that I barely recognized. And of course I still had compassion and empathy for this because the person that eventually passed didn’t even look or resemble the person that was so frightening to me when I was younger and so traumatic, you know, through my twenties and thirties. And I am grateful that through therapy and through the support and help of loving people in my life, that I got to a place where when this moment arrived, I was well prepared to receive it. And the place that I was in was that I was grateful, you know, as a daughter and a Christian, to see him have relief from many years of suffering.

And for those of you that are going back and forth on whether or not you want to do the work that’s required in order to get to a place where you’re able to have that peace around that relationship, I encourage you to do it because it is something you’ll have to face no matter what. And if you have people in your life right now, your children, your partners, your spouses, your businesses, even you wanna make sure you’re able to be present in those moments and that your world isn’t rocked on a level that it doesn’t have to be and doing the work therapeutically helps with that. And where I can tell you that I stand right now is truly in a place of grace, not just for him, but also for myself.

And there’s nothing more grace-filled in a moment of grief than being able to reach a place where you can pray for peace for those who may not have ever represented it in your own life. It’s easy for me right now to let go, to close a chapter, to find freedom from a very painful and difficult childhood, and to actually give thanks for what I was able to extract and know that even though, you know, his DNA still courses through my veins, that I’ve been able to change and morph that into something that shows up in the world for good and always will from here forward. And that’s the whole point.

So I know that I recorded that chat just hours before my dad passed away. But again, it’s still my truth. And for those of you who are hearing these words, so many of you have reached out to me, you know, when, when I had this discussion online and said, Nicole, you have no idea how freeing it is to hear that I’m not alone in having a complicated grief. And how seen you felt in knowing that you weren’t the only one wearing a smile and still having some positive things to say about your parents.

You know, ultimately can’t reject the fact that it was not all good. And frankly, you’re kind of glad that you’re able to be free of the burden of caring in a daily way, the obligation to show up or behave a certain way, or protect the family secret. Not having to do that anymore is freeing. And so it’s my hope that in these conversations we’ve had online.

And so many of you who’ve reached out to me, some of you who are still working because your parents are still present, but maybe you’re their caregiver, what have you, still battling these feelings of grief in real time, I hope that if you see yourselves in these words, in this conversation we’ve had today, I pray that it gives you some ease in your own truth. I pray that it helps you recognize that you have the right and the ability, as I said before, to seek healing and to have happiness and that you don’t have to wait until they’re gone to say yes to yourself and your future.

And with that a message for my dad.

I’m really sorry, dad, that your inner turmoil prevented you from receiving the love that God readily put around you. It was everywhere. I know because I found it. I’m grateful though, for what you did, give me my smile, these very consistently awesome eyebrows, those are yours, these tiny pores and one half a dimple and my charisma and ability to chat with anyone. I know that I got that from you. But what I also know is that I’ve chosen to leverage these gifts, these God-given gifts to show up as good in the world. And I wish that you knew how and definitely chose to leverage those gifts to find your own happiness. Because I know somewhere, I believe that if you had your own happiness, you would’ve chosen to extend it to others. Maybe that’s something I would’ve gotten from you too. It’s ultimately my hope that in your final moments, whatever they were like, that you met Him, that you were able to reconcile your choices with God. And then that way, maybe dad we’ll meet again. And I know that if we do, we’ll both be meeting as the best version of ourselves. Rest in peace, dad. I know I’m in peace right now.

 

In this episode, I share:

• My thoughts and feelings around the timing of our last episode,
• How I’m handling the loss of my father,
• Why this isn’t the first mourning I’ve done over him,
• What regrets I have (if any) as I go through grief and grace,
• How I’ve processed the grief and trauma from parts of my childhood, and
• My advice to you on complex family relationships

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook and Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Considering therapy? I highly recommend Open Path Collective
• Don’t miss the last episode where I talk about my relationship with my father
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.