Failing My Kids

This season has been about starting over. We’ve chatted about many of the transitions I’m in and as I continue to learn, I’ll continue to share with you here.

In this chat I’m sharing how divorcing feels from a mom perspective. It’s been 9 years since my kids entered my life and from day one I’ve promised them I wasn’t going anywhere. That is still true today and is one of the few constants we have.

Friend, thank you so much for the grace you’ve given me as I share my stories and lessons with you. I am so appreciative of the conversations we’ve had here and in my DMs. Let’s keep this a 2-way conversation!

Thanks for being here for this chat. Let’s continue chatting over on Instagram @nicolewalters !

Nicole:
Hey, friends, I am so excited that we’re back for our weekly chats. And thank you for coming back week over week, it’s just been so amazing to talk to you in the DMs on social media, and just kind of share my life. I mean, it has been crazy. And you guys are all so encouraging, and you’ve shared so much with me. So I’m really appreciative. And if you’re just tuning in for the first time, and we are meeting for the first time, it’s been a doozy. I mean, this past year has been more than I ever could have imagined, so much has happened.

And if you go back to Episode One, you would hear that I am in a very transitional phase of my life. One that isn’t unique to me, which is what makes these conversations so special. Because both sadly, and in a good way for many, you’ve gone through a lot of what I’m going through now, but you know, I am divorced, divorcing, in the process of and I am, you know, a single mom, you know, for the first time ever, you know, to three adopted babies. And I am just out in the world rebuilding.

So this season, everything that we’ve been chatting about and sort of these blocks of weekly chats has been all about starting over. And that’s kind of how we kicked it off. And it’s how we’re going to keep it going. We’ve had the opportunity to hear from some of my new good friends, you know about what it’s like to start over in their respective careers and places in life. And I’ve also shared some of my own story in between all of that, where I’m starting over as in some aspects of my business, the way that I’ve started over with my health, the way that I am starting over in relationships and the way I’ve started over, you know, as a non-married.

So, I’ve been sharing that story. And I’m appreciative because I’ve gotten so much great support, because it is trying and it is difficult. And it’s not easy to be candid and vulnerable and transparent about how difficult it is. And I do have days where it’s very scary, but I feel the love. And I appreciate all of you. So today, in kind of continuing that theme and letting you guys know that I’m going to be diving in a little more, because with each chat, I get a little bit more comfortable. And as things evolve, I have a little bit more to share, as I’m learning. I’m gonna be sharing more about it.

So this week, we are going to be talking about how this all feels from a mom perspective. And this is something that I’ve been having a lot of conversations about in the DMs. So for those of you who are Mamas out there, who either are single moms, which shout out to all the single moms out there, when I tell you the very first moment that I realized that this was not going to be easy go of it was when I had a sick little at home. And I realized that I didn’t have someone I could send to the pharmacy, and I couldn’t leave my baby at home. So it was a situation of packing up my baby, putting my baby in the car, sick, going to the store, pulling my baby out of this car to get the meds, you know, because like I had to get everything I need and then make it back home. And it was when I realized that, oh, wow, this is gonna be a little bit different. You know, doing things solo is not easy. And so just shout out to the single moms and you know, the single dads are out there also, you know, doing it on their own. It’s not easy, and especially while trying to balance work and, if possible, a social life, right. You know, and personal care and self care. It’s like and drink your water, you know what I mean? And eat your vegetables. It’s a lot.

But that’s what I wanted to talk about is, firstly, for those of you who have reached out to me and said, You’re still in a situation where it’s a difficult relationship or a difficult marriage, or you can send some challenges may be coming or that even something that isn’t as extreme but just a relationship may have reached his expiry, it’s gotten to the point where you know that it may not make sense to go further. Or if you’re like me, you didn’t have a choice, you know, where you felt like, you’re in a position where you have to go, and you don’t have a choice, and you have to go because you do. It’s unexpected, but that’s where you are. And so I wanted to speak a little bit about some of the parenting aspects of that and what that feels like, and it’s not gonna be easy, but I know that you guys are going to grant me grace as I try to share what I’ve learned, so that you are able to hopefully grow.

So when I first encountered that I would need to transition out of my marriage. I was not prepared for that. I don’t know I’m gonna be completely honest, because I only know my version of it. But I don’t know how many moms or women really do expect it to happen. I mean I think for most people, whether you uncover something unexpectedly that makes you have to walk out of the door, or you are, have dealt with years and years of something happening, and then you leave, or you’re told you need to go, I mean, whatever it is, I don’t think that many of us get married with the intent to fail. I don’t think if you don’t want to call it a failure, but an intent to not continue. And so that means it almost always is a little unexpected, right? And if you have children, and it’s something that you think about, and you wonder, can I do this, it’s an extra complexity, I don’t want to say that it’s any easier or harder, because I don’t like getting into the hardship Olympics, right? Like, oh, my pain is worse than yours or my circumstances tougher than yours, it’s hard for everyone, right? We all can handle what we can bear. But what I can tell you is that when you have kids, it is an extra layer, because you’ve got feelings and obligations and financial responsibilities, and, frankly, routines and structure and so many things that are hard enough to manage while you’re there, let alone if you have to leave or move or transition or ask your partner to leave or what have you. So I want to let you know that for me, at least I can speak to it. I’m fortunate that my kids are older. You know, having an 11 year old, a 20 year old and a 23 year old means that I’ve got kids that frankly have their own lives in a lot of ways, have their own structure, have their own well being and a lot of things going on, and they’re easier to communicate with. So we’ve always kept a very open household. You know, one of our rules in our home was kind of if you’re old enough to ask the question, you’re old enough to get the answer, an age appropriate answer, but you know an answer.

And because our girls are adopted, you know, from a traumatic situation, it was always really important that truth was at the forefront of any interaction we have with them, because trust is so so important to them, for their well being. So, as a mom, you know, one thing that I think I’ve always been really good about was just being very forthright with my kids. Now, it’s a lot easier to be forthright with your kids when you know what you’re doing. And you know what’s happening.

When I first separated, close, you know, going on two years ago, the perspective that I had was that it was just simply some time apart, right? It was just hey, we’re going through some stuff, and we just needed to sort it out. And obviously, I would go back. So I just needed, you know, a temporary, you know, situation, that’s what it was, and I just couldn’t invest in my new life. And, and that was fine, because, you know, I still had a life and I still had a partner and I still had, you know, things to go back to. And if anything, I can use this time to recuperate, because I you know, as I mentioned in episode one, I was dealing with some health concerns, but that I also could use this time to, you know, maybe get back to work and kind of figure out some new things. And that was kind of the perspective that I had. And that also lent itself to me not wanting to put down roots.

So I didn’t get a place, you know, I didn’t get anything permanent, I wouldn’t even buy appliances, you know, I found myself outside of my home with three suitcases, you know, I just really didn’t believe anything would be long term. And so as a mom, you know, it just was about, you know, making sure that I use that time briefly and just let the kids know, I’ll be back, you know, and I was back, you know, regularly.

Fortunately, with my partner, we have a really great relationship when it comes to our children where that has never been an issue in terms of either one of us being able to interact with our kids because we do just love them tremendously. And also, they’re older and they can speak for themselves in many respects. So however even one of us wants to interact with our kids, whatever level we’ve always had access to being able to do that. So it’s a real blessing. But I know that I definitely immediately the first thing that hit me was deep, deep mom guilt. And I’ve always been inclined towards mom guilt. It’s even tough to talk about here.

I’m going to be completely honest because I don’t really talk about that so much because there isn’t. I’ve talked about this a little bit on Instagram where I’ve said that I don’t really worry about judgment too much. And a lot of places because I know people will judge whatever you do, people will judge the fact that I like my grits savory and not sweet, okay, the internet is crazy. People will literally judge everything about you. Your favorite thing about your body is someone’s least favorite thing about your body, and people will judge how you got there. And there’s nothing you can do about that. So I’ve tried not to get too caught up in judgment, partly because I live a life out loud. And I don’t want to be paralyzed in fear about sharing the things that God has delivered me from that could also deliver someone else from their suffering. I mean, isn’t that what we’re called to do?

So I try not to get caught up in judgment. But when I tell you, I am so deeply in love with my sweet babies, like they are the greatest blessing that I’ve ever received in my world. And being a mom has transformed me in a way that I can’t even find words that quantify. And beyond that, when I think of the love that I have for my children, and the level of sacrifice and the fact that we have chosen each other, there’s nothing else that I know that I am, without a doubt, without question here to do, but be their mother. And I feel it feels like a privilege, like an honor. I mean, you guys have watched the girls grown up. A lot of you have, if you haven’t, you can follow over on Instagram at Nicole Walters, you can see my babies there. You know, you’ve seen them grow up, when I tell you, I know that you all have a sense of how awesome the girls are. And if you watch the TV show, you have a sense of it. I’m telling you, it’s that times 10.

These girls are incredible. Like I cannot speak more about how wonderful they are, it is truly an honor to be their mother. And I worry often about how good at it I am. I had a really tough upbringing. My parents, I know, did the best they could with the tools they had. But it doesn’t mean that it was always enough. And I talked about that more in my book. Because you know, there’s certain forums for certain things. But I didn’t always have the best examples for parenting. So I’ve invested a lot because I know that it’s important both in therapy and reading and research. And then I also do what I like to call interactive parenting, where I ask my kids for feedback all the time, kind of like clients, right, like, so give me a survey, how do you think I’m doing on a scale of one to 10? You know, or is there someplace that you think I can improve? Or tell me more about that. And if you listen back to some of our episodes, I’ve actually had my little one and my MidTiny, both on previous episodes. So you can definitely listen to kind of their very candid feedback about my parenting but knowing that I helped these girls, you know, we helped each other honestly escape a life of trauma, you know, having their previous mother be someone who has addiction, and, you know, dealing with things on the street that they never should have encountered, and having lots of struggles.

I can’t tell you the immense guilt that I’m not going to lie to you, I still feel, I feel it right now, about bringing a trauma in their life, if you will. And I know some of you right now who, oh, my gosh, I can literally feel my belly flipping. You guys understand what I’m saying? Right? If you are a mom yourself who has gone through or been through divorce, or a big breakup, or you’ve had a partner in your kid’s life, and you know that transition is going to occur, and you know that your kids are going to experience it. There’s a guilt that comes with it. You know, there’s a guilt of, you know, here are these sweet little humans that we’re putting imprints on. And now we’ve entered something in a world that they didn’t choose or elect. And then there’s the other side, right, which is, if you haven’t made that choice, yet, you’re still in the relationship, wondering if you are, which is the sort of lesser evil, is it staying in the relationship because it’s better for them to at least have this vision of a happy, healthy marriage, even if they’re not seeing things they shouldn’t see, in terms of love, affection, care, respect, whatever, you know, or is it better to go and risk this other trauma and when I tell you all, knowing that I was able to provide a place that delivered them from so much trauma, only to say, hey, the family that I thought would be great for us is not one that I can provide to you any longer because I don’t have a partnership that agrees to remain. So I’m sorry, but it’s going to change again.

Y’all like I still feel badly about it. Like it’s, my older ones get it because they were in our home so they were very aware of just some of the underlying nuances and you know, they’re old enough to understand relationships and they know me, you know, deeply and intensely and, you know, they get it. My little one? Well, you know, she’s just like, this has been her dad since she was three. And, you know, the upside is because she does come from an unconventional background, you know, she believes that families can be made in lots of ways. So she’s like, Oh, well, great. Like, I just got another house. And, you know, she did ask me if I would be getting married again, you know, and I told her, hopefully, you know, because I really like being a wife. And I like being a mom. And she asked me if I would have any more kids. And I told her, hopefully, you know, I’d love to have lots of babies. And you know, and she also asked if she could be in the wedding. And I was like, well, girl, you know, your lips to God’s ears. Like if it works out, it works out, you know? So, um, so you know, it’s great, because she does have that very positive, optimistic perspective. And she knows, of course, and the other question she did ask me was, What will our last names be, you know, which kind of hit at my heartstrings a little bit. But she also knows, you know, we can all be family, no matter what last names we have.

And it still didn’t change the fact that I know that when she gets older, she’s gonna have more questions about why it didn’t work. And what I can tell you is that I’m working really hard to get those answers myself. And that’s part of why I do therapy. And that’s part of why I pray. And it’s also why I’ve learned to not be afraid to say, I don’t know, but I’m working on it. And as a mom, I’ve learned that obviously, shame doesn’t serve me. So I don’t want to be ashamed of the fact that a choice was made, and I am doing everything I can to make sure that it doesn’t change the quality of life my girls have, or the love and support that they have. And more than anything, they know that no matter what, on paper, in person, in my heart, and forever, they will always be my babies. Those are my kids and I love them. And you, you know, you don’t divorce children, you know, you’ve divorced parents and partners. And I’m working hard on doubling down on that. Because one thing I’ve had to grant myself grace around, in this season of starting over as a different type of mom, when I wasn’t even sure if I knew how to do it the first time, was just that I’m still learning. And that all I can do is be honest with my kids, as I’m trying to take on this new frontier.

What I’m hoping you’re hearing is that a lot of it is inside work, with a lot of grace. And we think that there’s going to be some miraculous answer or something figured out, where we’re going to know that this is the time we can leave. Or this is the time we can stay. And I want to let you know that if you leave, you’re good enough. And if you stay, you’re good enough. And nothing is going to change about what you deserve, no matter what you decide to do. And if that’s not going to change, then are you going to get what you deserve where you are. And that’s what I had to accept. Not just for me, but for my girls. And I knew that ultimately, even though I felt like I wasn’t fitting the traditional society construct around what a good mom is, and a classic family structure and all that jazz, that in choosing to just double down and be with my kids. That’s all that mattered.

All they ever wanted to know is that we’re not leaving. And that’s the biggest promise that I made to them since the day I met them. I met them on the side of the road in Baltimore. And when I dropped them off at home, I said, I’ll be back. I’m not leaving. And it’s been almost nine years now. And I still say that to them. Every time I leave them every time we go somewhere I say Hey guys, I’m not leaving, make good choices. And they know I’m always here. So a lot of times we put these big, big, big parameters or boundaries and goals and charts around what it is to be a good mom. A good mom cuts the orange wedges and brings the granola bars and the Capri Suns to soccer practice and never misses a rehearsal and always gets them off the bus and gives them a kiss on the forehead and you know, does all these things has dinner on the table. I mean, I don’t know who made all these rules, but if these rules are what’s required, then I’m pretty sure most of us are failing, because I’m the one who is staying in the car for a couple extra minutes outside the target because I just needed a break. You know, I’m the mom who’s sitting in the closet watching Netflix, you know, because I just want to be able to watch my chauffeur, I’m a mom who’s hiding m&ms in the dashboard, because she just wants to eat a snack and not be bothered, okay? Like, and I have to be okay with it, because that is what I can do, you know, and with all of that, I’m the mom, who also had to start over and build a whole new world for these babies that she chose, and that chose her.

And it’s going to be good enough. And it’s gonna be good enough for both of us, because I’m never leaving. And I want to let you guys know that when I sat down and had the conversation, finally, with my girls, where I said to them, things are changing around here, and I have control over some things. I don’t have control over others. But this is what I do know. That our money may look a little different, because I’ve got extra responsibilities now. And I’m maybe starting over with this thing, and I don’t know what’s going to happen. And you know, we’re gonna have different homes, you know, and all these things are changing. How do you feel about that? The only thing that my girls asked me was, Are you going to be there? And I was able to confidently say yes.

So, friend, wherever you are, in your marriage, your relationship, your business, your career, where you’re trying to figure out if the decisions you’re making are going to honor your job and your responsibility, and your desire to be the best mom you can be. I want you to know that we’re all going to screw up. We’re screwing up right now. Grant yourself some grace. Because if you’ve been called to start overwhelmed, that’s what we’re doing here week after week. We’re getting good at that. And we’re learning that that’s a normal, natural part of the process.

And more than anything, if you let your littles know that you will always be there, that you’re not leaving, and that it might look a little different for a while, but Mom always comes back. Believe it or not, that’s not just enough. That’s everything.

Friend, I don’t know if I’m getting it all right. But every week I’m sharing with you a little bit more of what I know. And maybe it’ll change and if it does, I’ll come back. You know, I’ll eat humble pie. I’ll let you know how I got it wrong. Heck, I mean, like I said before, we’ve got a college budget and a therapy budget for these kids. <laughs> But I’m hoping that whatever I’m sharing with you now, as I’m going through this crazy journey, will help make yours a little easier. Because you’re deserving. And honestly, we all deserve.

So that’s my take on being a mom. I’ll let you know if it changes. So send me messages. Let’s keep working this stuff out. It’s a two way conversation. And if you got any tips on being a mom, or you just want to come pick up these kids, let me know. I can’t wait to chat with you next week, friend.

In this episode, we chat about:

• How I’ve handled the many transitions of becoming single unexpectedly from a mom perspective,
• What I remind myself and my kids about change and the unknown,
• How I’m showing up for my kids day in and day out, and
• Why I believe, no matter what happens, my kids and I will continue to thrive

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss our first chat of the season where I give the background of my divorce
• Find the chats I did with Puffin and the MidTiny here and here!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Healing Others & Yourself

Our previous chats have shown me that so many of us are going through a season of starting over, transformation, or change. Healing from what we’ve been through so we can move to the next thing is something my guest knows a lot about. If you haven’t met her before, you are going to be so glad you met her here.

Yasmine Cheyenne is a self-healing advocate, creator of the Sugar Jar Community, and soon-to-be published author with a powerful message around healing others and yourself!

In this chat, Yasmine and I talk about how she helps everyday people heal through her social media posts and work as a whole. She shares how she is healing in the process and the boundaries she has to put up in order to run her business as a business.

Pre-order Yasmine’s book, The Sugar Jar, on Amazon!

Thank you for being here for this chat, friend! Let me know what resonates by tagging me on Instagram @nicolewalters and Yasmine @yasminecheyenne – talk to you there friend!

Nicole:
Hey, friends, I am so excited about this chat because we actually have a friend hanging out with us and you know that I don’t just bring anyone around the besties. This is Yasmine Cheyenne. And I feel like you probably follow her and if you haven’t, you’ve seen her work before. And I’m just so excited for us to connect in a deeper way because the work that she does is incredible.

And I’ll let her do her intro because she’s here and I’m so excited about it. But y’all I’m not kidding when I say this is one for the kids, this is one for the teens, this is one for the mamas, the sisters, all of us we can lean in, because we’re gonna get so much out of this chat. Yasmine, thank you so much for being here today. Girl, I am hype to have everyone meet you.

Yasmine:
Thank you so much for having me. I’m so excited to be here.

Nicole:
You’re incredible. So okay, first and foremost, I don’t want to minimize your title, because you really do encompass so much. I mean, you’re truly one of those multi-hyphenates. So just give us a quick, high level because I know we’re gonna dive into all the things that you do for the world.

Yasmine:
Yes, so I’m a self-healing advocate, first and foremost. I have an app, the sugar drop community app, that makes self-healing more accessible every single day. I’m an author. I’m a mom, I’m a friend. But primarily I’m trying to allow people to see that self healing can be easy and something that we can do every day. And it doesn’t have to be a whole routine. You don’t have to change your whole life. It’s just the step by step by step minutes and moments that create that vast change that we’re seeking.

Nicole:

Incredible and necessary because I know this whole season of the Nicole Walters podcast is all about starting over. It’s all about the different ways that we have to approach life because you know, everything you think might be working on away in a pandemic, or hit or a divorce will happen, or a kid will get sick. And, you know, we’ll say to ourselves, we got to start over, but part of starting over is healing. And we know that a lot of times we either avoid healing, or we think it’s too overwhelming. So we won’t take all the steps. And I just love that your space here is really I mean, you even provide little micro healing moments through your Instagram, which is how I found you. So tell us a little bit more about that.

Yasmine:
Yes. So my goal in 2017 was to just share a little bit every single day. And that really wasn’t for everyone else, it was more so for me, it was a commitment, like, I can write everyday, I can do this. And I think also sometimes when your reality doesn’t match your dream, at the time, being an author was the goal, a published author, I’m a writer, but you think, okay, if I deny reality, then I’m not being positive. Like if I’m, I’m looking at the reality that I’m not actually a published author. So I was like, No, regardless, I’m going to write and put my work out there and give people an opportunity to see what my purpose is.

Nicole:
Amazing. Amazing. And that is there. I mean, that’s so loaded with lessons, I think, first and foremost, the thing that I extract from it is that in the very work that you’re doing every single day to heal and accomplish your goals, you actually have healed and helped others. So for those of you guys who aren’t familiar with Yasmine’s work, I mean, if you go to her Instagram, and it’s easy, YasmineCheyenne, and you can just find her there, she puts out every single day, sometimes more than once a day, I guess, based on how you’re inspired various phrases. And I hesitate to even say that they’re quote cards, because they’re not. And some of them are affirmation. Some of them are just like statements of truth that we need to know about ourselves.

And that’s how I came across her was, you know, these well worded everything that I needed to hear, you know, phrase just so much encompassed on a couple of different lines, but it was exactly what I needed when I find them. And it’s, she’s one to follow, because it always seems well timed. And she always has a great word that is applicable in this season. And I find it interesting that you know, this all started from a place of I don’t want to call it healing for yourself. But you know, a commitment. Yeah, a goal, something you needed to do. And what a lesson for all of us.

Yasmine:
Yes, you know, I think it’s so important because everything that I do online is about and all of my business is about serving, period, right? But if I’m not serving myself, and I’m not showing up for myself, then I’m not really giving my fullness to what I’m doing. And I’m also not being honest with myself, because the truth is people think, Oh, she writes every day, this must be easy for her. It’s not easy to write everyday.

Nicole:
Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, wait, let’s talk about that for a minute. So, y’all, I know that we could talk all day “about the how do you help people heal?” And what’s your best quote, y’all you know, how we do it? Do we are all friends in a room? Let’s talk about the real stuff. So your job, you know, right? Because you do this full time now, you know, and it’s helping people heal. It’s putting out tools of healing and empowering them to do that, which is incredible and incredible work but it’s a heavy lift. Yes. Now about that heavy lift. I don’t think too often we realize that some of the people who inspire us most are people, humans, with their own stuff. So I want to ask you, what’s it like showing up for so many people? I mean, you have hundreds of 1000 followers? What’s it like showing up for regular people every day in some of our hardest moments, you knowing that you’re experiencing them as well?

Yasmine:
Yeah, you know, the number one thing I always remind myself is, I’m a human. I’m learning, I’m living, I have no idea what’s going to happen next. And although I may have the wisdom and the clarity, and thank goodness, like the alignment to be able to share with other people, and help them transform and get through those changing times. At the same time, I’m going through things that I’m like, What do I do next, right?

And so I think reminding myself that I don’t have to be an expert in this as a recovering perfectionist, I’m reminding myself, this doesn’t have to be perfect. I just need to share what feels true and feels aligned. And that helps me so much because we talked about this but like there’s going to be times where that post is only for the one person that for some reason I was called to write that post for.

Nicole: Yes, yes!

Yasmine:
And I try to remind myself as much as as hard as it is because this is also a business but as well what I’m writing and what I’m sharing is truly for people to be especially the content I share on Instagram, the free content is always going to be there because I’m sharing it for people to be able to have that word that might help them just take that next step because I know I need that.

Nicole:
So, so good. And I hope you guys are hearing like I mean one look at how good she is at this stuff. I mean honestly every sentence you say is a lesson you know and so, so valuable but I think what’s really interesting about what you were sharing there is that all of us in our moments where things are hard and we feel called to be and do and support so many different people in the in the act of showing up if we still stay in alignment care for ourselves grant ourselves grace, remember we’re human, it one gives us the fuel to keep going and to also allows us to know sort of where we supposed to be where we not supposed to be, you know, so do you ever find that you have moments um I love asking this because one might identify you as an influencer of sorts, you know, and I think a lot of us hesitate to use that title. I don’t like using that title for myself. But as somebody who has influence over people’s minds and hearts, do you ever find yourself saying, Hey, this is a no go for me? Like, this is a territory I shouldn’t go into, this isn’t where I should cross?

Yasmine:
Absolutely. I always ask myself the intention of why I’m sharing what I’m sharing. That’s good. I never share anything that feels like oh, it’s for this or it’s for connecting.

Nicole: Or ego!

Yasmine:
Yes ego or anything like that. I also don’t share things that I’m working through. Like if I’m sharing something that I’m working through, it’s because I’ve worked through it.

Nicole:
Yes, share your scars and not just scabs.

Yasmine:
Yes. Right. And so it’s like this thing that I remind myself that, yes, and I agree with you on the influence. So like, I kind of shy away from it because of the connotation tied to it. And also, I have to stand in the truth like that is part of what the world is today.

Nicole:
And that’s what I love about your content in particular. And I think it’s a reason why a lot of my internet besties connect with me here is because we’re truthy, you know what I mean? We’re truthy in the hot mess, we’re truthy in we don’t have it all figured out. And that we’re really just trying our best to balance what we can balance and show up are best. And that’s one of the things I love about your content in general is that it’s not I almost want to say like sickeningly sweet, you know what I mean? It’s, it’s honest, and it’s real. And sometimes it is, it comes down to being as simple as, Hey, girl, it’s hard today, you know, do the best you can, you may not be able to do all of it. But it’s just gonna be hard. You know, I mean, you’re far more eloquent than I am here. Because you are the writer, you are the author. But you know, it really is that now how does that feel to show up in the self help world, this healing world and know that your language and your voice is a little different? Because I think so many of us struggle with, “Well, I want to do this thing, but this is how everyone else does it. Do I have to do it this way, too?”

Yasmine:
Yeah, you know, I think I knew that toxic positivity couldn’t be a part of my community, it just couldn’t. The oneness community is full with so many checklists, do these five things, and it’ll be great or buy this book and then when you get to the end, like your life’s gonna be fixed. I’m here to tell you that you might have many disappointments, and many tragedies and chance transformations and changes that you wish you never had to go through. And I’m just trying to share the tools that will help you navigate when you feel like you don’t know if you can keep going.

Nicole:
Oh, it’s so good. And it’s and you’re right, because especially you know, I’ve shared here about my divorce I’ve shared about, you know, wanting to shut down my business, keeping it up and just being in so many different things. And the thing that I’ve learned is that you’re going to have to start over, you’re gonna have to get through the hard that problems will occur. Life is the meeting and solving of problems. And really what we’re looking for is not some miraculous solution to make problems go away forever. What we’re looking for is someone who can stand by our side as we’re going through them and hold our hand and say, girl, keep going, you’ll be okay. You’ll make it through.

Yasmine:
Yeah, so I think we’re actually searching for the miraculous solution. And then in the search for that we realize that that ain’t it.

Nicole:
I know, listen, listen, that if that isn’t a whole word, because I know that you know, my story, of course, coming from corporate America and being in the business space, I came into this internet space, and I was like, Wait, so everyone can make six figures? Wait, so everyone is a millionaire. I mean, I knew the stats on it. Statistically, it is not possible that everyone is a millionaire.

Yasmine: It just isn’t.

Nicole:
There aren’t that many in America that way. Like it just isn’t possible. Now, it is possible that someone may have made a million dollars over the course of their business. But what is the math on that? You know what I mean? Oh, absolutely, you know, and it’s very possible that someone has a ton of wisdom and a ton of clarity, and a ton of insight that can help you change and transform your life, you should listen to them, you should benefit. But if your situation is one where you have a mental health issue, and you didn’t therapists girl, go see a clinician, you know, with a degree who can prescribe, you know, and getting into this space and knowing that we including myself, are responsible for treading the water of using our platform well, but also honoring sort of our scope of qualifications. You know, while still trying to help the best we can.

It can be tough, you know, and I don’t know about you, but I always have been very clear on I know what I know and I know what I don’t know, absolutely. What ends up in your DMs sometimes, though?

Yasmine:
I mean everything from what medicine should I take, you know, what should I do about my divorce? Should I leave? And I think it’s important to recognize that first of all, I can only answer those questions if you are my client.

Nicole:
Absolutely. First and foremost. Yeah, first and foremost, just good business practice.

Yasmine:
Yeah. But then and also, most of my clients, actually all of my clients see a therapist because I’m not a licensed clinician. 100% and I always make the distinction of you know, when I’m coaching I call it spiritual teaching, but coaching or guiding, I’m helping to reveal the things to you that you may not have happening at therapists office because they have a different role. And also, I’m not going to tell you whether you need to take medication or not like that’s their their role.

Nicole: Absolutely.

Yasmine:
So I think people need to understand that like self healing tools, what I teach is what happens outside the therapist’s office, most people only see their therapists twice a month. That’s right. And that’s like, on the higher end, some people haven’t only afford once once a month.

Nicole:
I’m the twice a week type, but that’s because of how much of a mess I am. And that would be why I need one session a week for everybody else who starts with me, and one session a week for myself.

Yasmine:
I used to be the two times a week too, listen, 2015. But yeah, I definitely recognize that there is these, these tools that we need outside. And it’s like, when you’re not in a therapist’s office, what are we doing when we get that text? What are you doing when you get that phone? What are you doing what your boss tries you?

Nicole:
Well, honestly, it’s about applying the information. It’s kind of like going into your doctor’s office and saying, Hey, I like to lose weight, I like to get healthier. But then afterwards, you need to work with nutritionists, your trainer, and all these different people. And the same thing people don’t realize, I mean, you come from a corporate background as well so you understand, but as a consultant, I say it all the time. Look, my job isn’t to be your accountant, your lawyer, your bookkeeper, my job is to make sure you have all the right people in the right roles, doing the right work. And then making sure you know what needs to be done because you don’t know what you don’t know. And I think that that’s why people sometimes forget that if you are hiring a coach or you’re hiring, you know, a healer or teacher or someone who’s so it’s to support some of the scientific clinical work that you may require, it’s usually not an either or. It’s not a substitute, because you may not want to walk in certain doors, you know, you may need both, sometimes just sitting down in the therapist’s office is not it, you may need to see someone like Yasmine or a coach in order to support you actually executing on the things that you’re hearing in that therapist chair.

Yasmine:
Absolutely. And it’s also a storytelling, you know, a therapist’s office is a non reciprocal relationship, you’re not going to know much that’s good therapy relationship, you’re not going to know anything. And so I’m not sharing my whole life story. But if they have a question, or there’s something that they’re interested in, I’m able to reflect a lot of what I share on social media is a reflection of lessons that I’ve learned and even like in writing my book, choosing to tell my own story, versus telling clients stories and things like that, it was really important for me to share with people that like a lot of what I share is one, the actual educational courses and classes and things that I’ve been through, but also life experience and being on the other side of that, and I think that that’s why I love healing and therapy, because sometimes you go to a therapist, and you think, Oh, this is the expert, they’re not human, they just know everything. And that’s what that relationship is supposed to be so that you get some more data. And then when you see a healer, you get to see kind of the other side of like, okay, they’re helping me.

Nicole:
It’s more dynamic. I always talk about, you’ve got your pastor and your therapist, you know, so your pastor is not going to say, look, some of these things are presenting, as you know, clinical diagnosis of misbehavior, your pastor is going to say, well, what are you doing in your daily life to help support these things through prayer, spiritual practices, whatever, but let’s never confuse one for the other. Yeah, and let’s never think we don’t need one or the other. You know, I personally, for years, tried working out by myself. But when I got a trainer, it changed everything. Because what I found was I was working out incorrectly, I had the desire, I knew the workout that I needed to do, and I was showing up to get it done. But having the support of someone side by side with me to just simply say, in a dynamic relationship, hey, you actually need to straighten your back more, hey, you need to actually squat down even lower. That simple correction actually made the exercises I was doing anyways, have a result.

So absolutely a big deal. So for those you guys who are listening and saying to yourself, I don’t know about therapy, I’m not sure about this, or I’ve been trying I’m not seeing change, maybe the answer is that you work with a coach side by side who can support you, you know, to really help you execute and get that change now, because we’re diving into what you do as a business. Let’s talk about that a little more. Because, you know, my DMs can be crazy with people respond. I love my DMs, like make no mistake for me, it feels like I’m texting with my girls, you know, and I know, it’s such an honor and a privilege, right? That people will say yes, even feel safe to share stuff like that with you. And I, you know, it’s also a reflection of us, right? Because we’re sharing, you know, pretty vulnerably. But, you know, there are some moments where it’s like, I worry about this being a healthy boundary, you know, and what’s safe. And also, there’s an element of running a business because I also don’t like doing business in my DMs because the best way for me to serve you is to not get some bullet points around your finances and your problem. It’s to set aside time. So in your situation, transitioning into making this a business full time, I want to know more about how that’s felt for you. Providing for people in this way. Does it feel easy? Does it feel comfortable? Is it scary? What’s that like?

Yasmine:
So the easiest thing that I do is when I’m serving, when I’m talking, when I’m doing other things. The other part is like, you know, the not hobby stuff, right? Because if you’re in business, it’s like you have to have a P&L, you have to have an account, you have to have your tax, you know, all of those things. And so it’s been very interesting, recognizing that a lot of what I did I told you in corporate and being in the background of corporate and government I did this for other people doing it for myself. There’s so much more emotion attached and just all of those things that I thought and I say this to my clients all the time, every time you think you’ve healed something, it’s probably an indication that it’s going to come back again, like anytime I always think that that’s a little bit of ego, like, Oh, I’m done with that, okay, buckle up.

The recovering perfectionist parts of me, all of those different things begin to present themselves again. Even though I left my job, January 1 2021, I was on the Today Show January 7, 2021, like, things just were aligning and things were going great. There was still this inner critic, part of me that was like you’re not doing enough, is not pushing hard enough. And I think it’s important to say this out loud, because we can sometimes put people that we follow online on this pedestal, massive pedestal, and we think, Oh, she’s sharing this because she has worked it all out, and everything’s perfect. And I am still learning how to be a friend to myself, and talk to myself the way that I would talk to a client, a friend, my children, when it comes to business. So at the same time, I’m also honoring that the boundaries have to be in place. And being a responsible business owner means being honest with myself about what’s really happening and reaching out for those resources and support and all of those different things. So it’s been a really, it’s been a growth experience.

Nicole:
Sure. Isn’t a nice, we’re all growing all the time. No, I mean, you nailed it, because I think sometimes people are afraid to even show vulnerability in certain areas, because we think we have to have it all together everywhere, or else that’s not good enough. So for me, you know, my weight had been a struggle for so many years, as I was working through different solutions for my health, not for cosmetic and appearance reasons, but you know, just to be fitter for my children. And, and for myself, you know, and it was something that I always felt like, Man, if I don’t have a handle on this, how will anyone trust me in business? And, I mean, really learning that like, No, you can be an amazing, transformative, you know, healer, consultant, and coach, and also still have areas of your life where the same things you talk about still present themselves, frankly, it’s part of what makes you good at what you do. Because you know, what it is and how you’re working, you’re working it through, you know, and sometimes it gets scary to feel like you can’t be both things.

Yasmine:
Absolutely. And I’m a New Yorker, right? I’m from Brooklyn. So like, hustle was a part of my DNA. I’m a veteran, a military veteran. So that’s a part of my DNA. And so it’s like no emotion, no struggle, power through. And so actually being vulnerable and sharing my story is like evidence yes, that I am doing the work. I’m doing the work. Because I would have suffered through before.

Nicole:
Absolutely. Yeah. And also felt like, you know, honestly, a point of pride almost, you know, it’s like, I’m getting it done, and it looks clean. Even though inside I’m a little bit torn up. So no, I totally understand. I mean, frankly, that’s why I don’t even want to be on a pedestal. Are y’all listening right now. This is why I show you in my stash my Spanx. My bonnet. Okay, no makeup, I figure if I set that bar good and low. We’ll keep that bar low. The expectation will be I shop at Target, I eat cheese. I will literally go live with crumbs on my face. Y’all have no expectations of me. So that that way, when I look nice, you can talk to me nice.

Yasmine:
That’s true. I spent a few months in my robe. Because I was like, You know what, this is who I am.

Nicole:
This is what we got. You know what I mean? Because if we know it, then we’re not shocked yet emotionally. Because I’m shocked every morning. I’m like, Wow, you look different. No, but this I mean, it’s so true. And I think that, again, a lot of people may look at people with platforms in an aspirational way. And you know, it is an honor, it is a privilege, neither of us are complaining about it. Because we are so blessed to do the work that we’re doing. You know, it’s purposeful. But it also can be difficult, you know, because you are put onto this pedestal, which means that you feel like you have further to fall.

And it’s always my hope that when people are looking at us or listening to us here that they realize that no, truly, we’re all sitting in the same room at the same table. And they’re no different from us, we just may be a couple of steps ahead or done something a little bit different. But at the end of the day, we’re still real, we still are hot messes. We’re still chasing after the kids. We’re so spilling on our clothes, we’re still afraid, you know, all these things are very normal.

Yasmine:

Yeah. Still cussing at the stoplight. Like listen, I definitely have these moments where I’m just like, especially as it comes to social media, reminding myself that like this is just a part of what I do. And I think, you know, until recently, I’ve always had a pretty healthy relationship with social media. But I think even in the like, currently, as we’re recording this, I took a break from social media, just recognizing that it was coming up a little bit too much in my mind. And I think sure, you know, for folks listening, like taking breaks and I think social media breaks even have become a little cliche.

Nicole:
They have, like I’m taking a break, I’m detoxing for a few months, just because it was such a crazy notion that people would do from before but now it’s become this trendy thing where it’s like hi guys so you know, this is just another example of how awesome my business is because I just took three months off and oh girl it’s like the airport right? I mean, if you’re gonna depart just go.

Yasmine:
But like just saying that, you know, when it’s your business, taking a break is very different. And giving myself permission to say like whatever I need to do when I come back I’ll do that and I love sharing and I know people look forward to my posts every morning. And that’s my favorite thing to do. And also, my point here is I had to take care of myself. Yes. Like, I had to see that I needed a break. I needed rest, whether or not I’m still writing every morning. I’m just not sharing it with y’all.

Nicole:
That’s right. Well, no, let’s talk about that part. So, I mean, and this is, I think, a great segue, because one, we can start talking about your book and kind of how that’s a different direction. I’m also writing a book, it’s this What am I sharing? What am I not sharing? You know? So I mean, especially when you are in the healing space, or the self help, aspirational space. I mean, there is this pressure to be profound. And it’s like every single post, sometimes it can feel overwhelming, because it’s like, Man, I got nothing today. I am dry, I have no quotes. I have no inspiration today was just hard. The kid spilled goldfish crackers in the backseat, I’m keeping it together, right? Y’all, y’all aren’t gonna get anything, you know, and I’ve always held sort of a rule of I only speak if I have something to say, you know, and if I don’t, y’all aren’t getting a post today, you all are getting social.

And for the past two years, when I was going through my divorce, you know, in that transition, I really posted, I mean, as frequently as once every two weeks. Yeah. And that goes from going live daily, you know, and there are parts of me that in that grieving process where I should have been all in, I was also guilting, in that process, because I felt like that might leave these people hanging, what’s going on, you know, and you don’t know all my people, but they’re amazing. And literally, like people listening right now, when I finally came back, they were like, girl, why didn’t you just say that you needed to go? We love you, go do your work. Just don’t worry about us, you know? And that’s how people mostly are. But how have you dealt with that? Because there is that pressure with this being your business and knowing that you serve a community, like when you leave, like, I’m gonna leave my people hanging? Like, how does that feel?

Yasmine:
It definitely has felt like that. And I can feel myself like, you know, when I was writing the book, I was still posting every day, and I was writing and it felt good.

Nicole:
But you’re not sharing everything like usual.

Yasmine:
Yeah. And I think recognizing that, whether you’re my friend, my partner and my children, I can only give what I have capacity for. And I love my community. And yet, if I share out of a place of “I have to” that is like the key for resentment, anger, or me to share things that are not really in alignment just for you to have this post. What I share I actually care about sharing what I feel like is good to share. And so I have things to share right now but also I can feel that the my energy is not in it.

Nicole:
Sure. Sure. Sure.

Yasmine:
So pulling back has been a practice of what I preach. If I was coaching me, I would say now, obviously, I understand to nine to five, you don’t get to be like, Oh, my energy’s not good.

Nicole:
Right, right. Right, like this is a job, you need to pay the bills, so you’re gonna need to muster up some energy. Right?

Yasmine:
Got it. And I still have obligations that I have to keep. But social media is an extension of what I do. It is not my actual business. I’m not an actual influencer. And I had to like reframe that.

Nicole:
That’s good. That’s good. This applies everywhere, though, everywhere, like being a mother is one of the things that I do but it isn’t my whole being. Yes. You know, being a consultant is a skill that I have and a blessing I’m able to engage in but it’s not my whole being. And I think when we stop identifying and validating ourselves so heavily with these things, we won’t be as dictated by what they require, whether it’s monetary, or social expectations, or anything visual, like it’s just becomes a lot freer to start saying, Look, if this is just the thing that I do and not who I am, it’s actually okay, if it sits because I don’t need to always do it.

Yasmine:
Yeah. And if I’m like taking my first break since 2017, like reminding myself that, like, I deserve breaks, I deserve rest, hey, actually, I should probably make this a normal thing. And I love sharing with my community. And also, I have to take care of myself. And I think like the pressure of what to share, or what not to share. Like for example, I don’t share my kids. I don’t share my family on social media. And I think it’s just recognizing this is what I’m comfortable with, like boundaries I teach boundaries are everything. And it translates into everything that I do in my regular life and what we all should be doing, recognizing, like, you have that friend who’s like, just ordered the appetizer or come on, just tell me it’s like reminding myself that I don’t have to do anything.

Nicole:
That’s exactly right, that you don’t have to share it. I mean, that’s something that I will be talking about in future episodes as I am many years out from, you know, sort of starting this divorce process and closing that out and healed in a whole new way. And I’ve actually just started dating and you know, I met someone and I’m excited about it, but also approaching this a little differently because I had a very public family brand the first time and while I’m not embarrassed or scared to share who this person is in their name, and their face, whether or not they will be part of my brand or showing up every day or you know, on my feed is another story. You know, I’m happy to let people know that this person exists and I’m proud of them. But will they be part of the day to day I don’t know yet you know, and what’s great is that’s my boundary that I’m able to you know, and it can change it can stay the same. It can be but it won’t be dictated by what I do. It’ll be dictated by who I am.

So oh, so good. So Yeah, I mean, guys, I hope you’re catching all these gems, I hope you’re hearing all this goodness. I mean, Yasmine is brilliant with this stuff. So what’s in your book? Because I know that we’ve right loaded question. What is it? You’re telling me? What’s your book? We want to know, no loaded question. But the truth is, I thought that your book, I’m not gonna lie to you, it was going to be more of these good quotes, bullet point after bullet point, like, expanded Instagram gems, which is exciting as a notion, but then you told me what it’s gonna be. And I’m like, I need this book yesterday. So tell me more about how you’re approaching it and how it’s going to help us.

Yasmine:
Yes, I’m a writer, first and foremost. And so I was so excited to be able to expand on you know, the capacity limits that social media provides with writing. The sugar jar is the framework in which I teach and just a short synopsis of it is the jar is us. The sugar is our energy, the lid is the boundaries. And with that framework, we’re able to assess how much energy do I want to give? How much do I have? And by the way, do I even have a lid on the jar? Oh, that’s coming inside. And so the book is going to help us expand on that but instead of like walking through, like, oh, I had a client who was going through this, I just want to walk through my life.

Nicole:

That is so flipping brave. I mean, and I say this from someone who’s on that same boat, I mean, people are like, Oh, Nicole, write the business book, which I could you know what I mean, and it would be killer, and it would make me tons of money, and I would change lots of lives. However, the book that I sold in my huge deal was a memoir, because they were like, Hey, so you captured these babies, you’re getting divorced. We want to know, how are you still standing? Do you know how scary, do you know, of course, you know, because your book that you’re writing, it is so scary to be able to write a book with yourself as the context, most people do not do that at all.

Yasmine:
It’s like blowing yourself open.

Nicole: It is.

Yasmine:
And I didn’t realize how personal I got until I read the book again. Because when you’re writing it, you’re just in it, you’re telling the story, you’re editing, and you’re like watching from outside the room describing what you’re seeing when you see it. And you’re like when we’re selling this. And if there’s this experience of Well, first of all, it’s too late this is what is coming out.

Nicole:
Listen, you’re speaking to a void. So you’re like, I don’t even know how this is gonna be received. But it’s too late. It’s too late.

Yasmine:
But like reminding people, I’m so excited for this, because it’s an opportunity. The reason why I share my story is not just to tell my story, but for people to see themselves in my story and recognize and not just like, as a black woman. And we don’t always get self help books like that.

Nicole:
Are you kidding me? Like? Absolutely not. I mean, almost the time, our black female stories that are told to self help are told from a place of strict trauma. Where it’s like, I went through so many traumatic things, and I’m still standing Yeah, versus, you know, no, understand that I had lessons as I went, and here’s the evolution and my trauma served a purpose, you know, instead of just less kind of glorifying and stare at this trauma. So that’s exciting, because that alone is new and fresh.

Yasmine:
Yes and I think people need to recognize to like, I mean, obviously, the book is for everyone, but recognizing that like, there is a different way that I feel black women aren’t often held in wellness as well. And I talked about that in the book. But I think that understanding that that we heal differently, but that culture doesn’t support the way in which we need to experience.

Nicole:
Or just some of the things that we uniquely go through that people aren’t aware of.

Yasmine:
Right, so it gives life to what it’s like to walk in our shoes.

Nicole:
And so that’s valuable for everyone to everyone, because if I’m reading that, and I am not a black woman, I now can understand a little bit more about the person next to me to be able to say, hey, you know, this is actually valuable insight to me, because I know that I’m dealing with these issues. I never understood that these issues were existing in this context. Yeah, but boy, can I relate a little better and anything that brings us closer together now is a good thing. So I love that you’re hitting on that.

Yasmine:
Absolutely. And just knowing too that it’s not like read from the purpose of oh, this happened and then you know, being black this is just like, this is the black lens. And this is what should be on probably every book.

Nicole:
Yes, always.

Yasmine:
But since it’s not like this is what it’s on here and so I’m credible.

Nicole:
I love it. Oh my gosh, well, one can I get this book now? I mean, like I personally because I’m an influencer, hair toss, hair flip, you can email me an advanced copy, hair toss, hair flip. And I would love to be able to read it because also Lord knows I need it because you know that pedicel in that bar is low. So please help me get my stuff together. But aside from that, when can people get a copy of this, I mean like give us the exclusive here I got my friends in the room.

Yasmine:
So it’s available for pre-order right now. It’s called the Sugar Jar and you can get on Amazon all the places and I’m just so excited for you all to get this book.

Nicole:
Y’all please get this book. What I love about this is you know how I am I want something actionable. I want something practical, I want something tactical, but it has got to be done with heart. Do not bullet point me to death. Do not tell me to wake up at 4am with a bunch of journals. I cannot do it on today. You know, I want to be able to take away what I need to take away but do it through storytelling and this is this is it. So definitely grab the Sugar Jar. It’s available on Amazon. We’ll have the details in the show notes for you so you’ll be able to listen to that.

Yasmine, you are just such a gift. Like I am so blessed to know you. I am so grateful for the way that you show up and it’s a real privilege to have you here because I know I can feel the way God is using you and the light that you are shining into this world and this is if I’ve never said before the beginning and I cannot wait for you to not act brand new when you are famous and come back here. Okay. I don’t want to hear you can’t use my yacht. I’m busy. I don’t want to hear that. Okay. I really don’t. I don’t want to hear oh, Nicole will have to slot you in on my show. No, I would like to be on the show please, Yasmine. Okay, so thank you for being here today.

Yasmine:
Thank you for having me girl.

Nicole:
Let me in later when you get super, super famous. This was a blast. I appreciate you.

Yasmine: Thank you

In this episode, Yasmine and I chat about:

• How she helps everyday people heal through her social media posts,
• What the sugar jar is,
• How Yasmine focuses on healing others and yourself,
• The boundaries Yasmine has to put up in order to run her business as a business

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Find Yasmine HERE and on Instagram
• Pre-order Yasmine’s book, The Sugar Jar, on Amazon!
• Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss our last chat with musician, Tito Rey!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

Starting Over 3 TIMES!

Get ready to hear from one of my talented friends who holds nothing back in sharing his story of starting over and over and the sacrifice and tenacity it’s taken to live out his purpose.

This chat with Tito Rey is so honest and shows the real work and heartache that it’s taken him to continue living out his purpose as a professional singer. After this chat, I know you’ll want to see him win like I do!

There are so many gems in this chat that we can all take into our daily lives as we pursue the life we’re called to. Friend, keep it at it. You’re worthy of it and more.

Thank you for hanging out with Tito and I! Head over to Instagram to let us know what you liked most from this episode. Can’t wait to chat with you there, friend!

Nicole:
So friends, this chat is going to be a good one. And I am so excited about it because you know, I rarely introduce you to someone if I don’t think it’s someone that you need to meet. And this week, you get to meet my dear, sweet, super talented friend, Tito Rey. Now, I will let him introduce himself. We’re going to talk about all this good stuff. But this is not going to be your regular chat. It is so easy to get caught up in the usual questions but what we’re talking about this time is success and sacrifice.

So a couple of things you need to know one, this is going to be the chat that might change everything for you, that might finally give you the fuel to your fire and a little bit of ease to some of the hardship that comes with the day to day life of chasing after your purpose. But also, this is the chat that you may want to grab your kids who are a little bit older and need to have a little fire under them to get it done. But I do want to issue a tiny disclaimer, there may be some language and I want to let you know that the language that’s there is well placed because we have been through it and we’re keeping it very, very real today. So use your headphones or turn the volume down, but do not miss this chat. We’re gonna kick it off and we’re starting right now.

Tito, I am so excited that you are here today.

Tito: Me too!

Nicole:
Thank you so much for being here!

Tito:
Thank you. You know, this is my first podcast ever.

Nicole:
Are you kidding me? Well, it’s an honor, because it’s definitely not going to be your last and you’ve done plenty of interviews. I mean, yeah, let’s not pretend like you’re not some superstar who’s done tons of stuff. And we’ll get into that in a minute. But you guys I, you may not know, but you might be able to hear it, Tito’s a singer. He’s a fairly well known and frequently booked singer here in Los Angeles. And I’ve had the pleasure of meeting him through a lot of my friends who are here in the industry. And I’m excited to share him with you, if you haven’t already heard of him. He’s all over social media. Just Google Tito Rey and you’ll find him.

But all that being said, Tito, can you just tell us a little bit about who you are, what you do here as a professional, and just some of the work that you’ve done?

Tito:
Well, my name is Tito Rey. I came here 10 years ago. And I was brought here by somebody that’s maybe you know her?

Nicole:
I don’t know. I’ve never heard of her.

Tito:
Okay. Jennifer Lopez brought me here.

Nicole:
Oh, Jennifer Lopez. Yeah! From where? From Chile?

Tito:
I am from Chile, South America. I have been on TV in Chile my whole life. I won my first TV show when I was 14 there. Then I was on the X Factor TV and that led me to an international casting call, that my manager at the time, told me to go where J.Lo was looking for talent in Latin America. And she chose certain people from Mexico, from all Latin America, to find the Latinos Cirque du Soleil in Vegas. Okay, I came I did the reality show. I was one of the winners. And I did a whole season in the Mandalay Bay Arena in Las Vegas at night.

Nicole:
At night, I was gonna say how old were you at this?

Tito:
I was 19.

Nicole:
Just a baby? Listen, that’s crazy. Because I know you now you never should have been in Vegas at 19. I cannot imagine.

Tito:
It was the worst because I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t do anything.

Nicole:
Maybe that was for the best.

Tito:
All of the other people was like drinking, having the time of their life. And the people at the lobby knew that I was 19. They would just kick me back out. They were like, Okay, you’re 19 you can’t be here. I’m like, what? It’s 10pm. Yeah, it’s 10pm. Exactly. You can’t be here. So just go into my room and watch movies.

Nicole:
That’s good. But that’s good. Because one, especially in this industry, as we know, in Hollywood, it can get crazy.

Tito:
It can get crazy and Vegas is super crazy.

Nicole:
So we’ll talk a little bit more about what has happened in the 10 years since that time. But the reason why I had to let you meet Tito is not so much just because he’s one of my many talented, super cool, ultra famous fancy friends but because of his story. And his story is one that I think a lot of us can relate to. And you know, I always love looking at things from a different perspective. His story is one of sacrifice. And it’s something that we don’t often get to hear about, because we’re so focused on the, you know, what are the bullet points of how you became successful? And what are the things you’ve you know, managed to accomplish that are worthy of being in People Magazine or Forbes? No, let’s talk about what you’re not sharing. You know what you actually had to go through.

So, Tito, let’s just dive right in. What is the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do to make money out here while trying to still work and be a working musician?

Tito:
Well, everything started beautifully with Jennifer Lopez in Vegas and all that. I didn’t know English. I went to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend that I met in Vegas that spoke Spanish. And I’m like, I need to extend my artists visa. It’s expiring at the end of May. And I need to go back but I don’t want to go back. I just sang for 1000s of people and I wanted this for the rest of my life.

Nicole:
You were ready to work.

Tito:
I was ready to work. Yes. So I saved money. I went to a lawyer. I got a sponsor. And I told them…

Nicole:
So you’re trying to do everything the right way. I always like to say that for the record.

Tito: Yes.

Nicole:
A lot of people will hear about immigration and they’ll think oh, no, you know, everyone’s just trying to kind of cut corners or sneak around back alleys. But just like, I’m a child of immigrants and you know, and I’ve been to Ghana many times I take a lot of pride in being a Ghanaian American. You know, both sides of it being both American and Ghanaian and people don’t realize a lot of people are like you were you’ve come here very legally, you’ve seen a sponsor and you’ve done all the paperwork, but sometimes things go wrong. So what happened and went wrong?

Tito:
So I paid the money up front, and he said, Okay, well we got it from now go back to your work and then you can move to LA like you plan, you’ll get your visa in the mail, give us an address. Wonderful. And I’m like okay, good. A month goes by, my visa expired already. I’m like, okay, good. I’m gonna get my own one. I call the number and the number didn’t exist. I email my sponsor, and he never heard back from these people.

Nicole:
Wait, so wait, what you’re telling me is you were 100% legal. You were doing all of your paperwork. You tried to go through all the right formats to do everything right, including paying extra money, yes to acquire the legal help that you needed, at 19. You’re a baby, by the way. And all of a sudden, your whole team ghosted you. Yes, yes, I would have been in tears as a mama right now. I’m just like my poor baby. What happened?

Tito:
Oh, my mom wanted to kill that lawyer.

Nicole: Oh, I bet.

Tito:
He wasn’t even a lawyer. He was a broker which I found out years later.

Nicole:

Oh my gosh, of course. So fast forward, now you’re in the country and your status is questionable.

Tito:
I was undocumented, undocumented. And if I went back, it will be 10 years of not coming back to the States or people are not able ever to come back to the states.

Nicole:
Right. So I mean, you could have totally lost all opportunities.

Tito:
So that was the crucial moment when I said, Listen, I just sang in the Mandalay Bay for months. I need to get back there, right, somehow.

Nicole:
So I just want to pause here for a moment. How many of us have had this moment where we have tasted a little bit of success? And we said to ourselves, we want to be able to keep going, we want to be able to continue to chase this. But the moment is calling for us to sacrifice? How many of us are in that moment right now? Are you ready and willing to make the sacrifice to keep going?

So Tito? What was the moment of sacrifice here for you?

Tito:
Well, I went from singing for 1000s of people in an arena every night to washing dishes, making $10 an hour and cleaning toilets for almost six years. I wasn’t able to get, I would audition for TV shows, I will get to the final stage, because I felt like I had the talent. And everybody will tell me you have the talent. And I could not get booked because I didn’t have papers. I’m talking about Americans got talent, the Voice, everyone wanted me, but they couldn’t have me because…

Nicole:
You couldn’t because of the paperwork.

Tito:
Yeah, that’s what it was. Exactly.

Nicole:
So for six years, even after you were hearing Nos nonstop, for six years, in a country that wasn’t your own, in a place where you didn’t speak the language, you just kept scrubbing toilets and showing up.

Tito:

Yeah, in what really kept this flame going, was going to open mics in LA. And my shift will ended at seven. And by 8pm I will go back home shower to my warm ups. And open mics is at 9:30, 10 and I will go prepared and I’m like, Okay, I need to show myself that I still got it. Wow. So I will do it. And people will react to it. And I’m like, Yes, you know what, like, I’m, I’m freaking I’m cleaning toilets, and not getting tips and like, all this thing. But I still got it. And I know somebody’s gonna see it. And I know I’m gonna get somewhere.

Nicole:
Oh, so, this is another great place to pause because I know anyway, I am. It’s funny, because I know this, we’ve talked about this story. And even now hearing it this way is making me move. I know, I’m trying not to tear up. Because how many of us have been doing this difficult work? I mean, there’s nothing more humbling than knowing that you are cleaning toilets, but you have this gift from God that you are using every single day. I mean, it’s like a movie, you know, and the only thing that’s fueling you is just getting up on stage, sometimes in front of a huge audience, sometimes not in front of an audience, totally unfamiliar in a new city, you don’t know. But you keep showing up. And I hope that’s what we’re hearing for all of you who might be saying I am in a cubicle, or I am scrubbing dishes right now, or I am doing work that I know is frankly, not my calling or my purpose. But at night, I’m waking up to chase the thing that I love.

So turning point because you know, we’re not going to fast forward to the end, y’all are gonna stick for the story but Tito’s not scrubbing toilets anymore. So we know that much. Okay, so I mean, I want to ask you, you know, when you were getting on these stages was that rewarding? I know that it felt good to know you still had it but that had to be hard too? Finding these gigs and going into new spaces and learning English at the same time. Like I can’t imagine how scary that was.

Tito:
Yes, it was hard. Actually, during this time I get cystic acne from all the stress. And I couldn’t get treated for years because I didn’t have the money. I didn’t have insurance. I couldn’t afford a dermatologist.

Nicole:
And you’re a performer.

Tito:
Yes and I would just cover it up with a lot of makeup, which made it worse. But you know what? I am proud of what I am and when I look at these scars, I’m like I’m a fighter.

Nicole: Yes. Yes.

Tito:
Yeah and I’ve been through a lot. And this reminds me that I’m winning.

Nicole:
Yes, yes, yes. But also, what’s beautiful about what you’re sharing here is you had to lose in order to win.

Tito: Yes.

Nicole:
And that is something I think a lot of us forget, when we’re in the moment and in the season of the loss, we can’t understand that that loss may be part of what’s building us up to win on the other side. And it’s something I really relate to right now because as you guys all know, I’m going through a divorce and doing that paperwork is not easy. Building a whole life having everything, it’s a house, the kids, the car, the money, family, the plan, and frankly, I loved my husband, you know, and to find out, you know, that that’s not going to be your future. It’s a loss that is unimaginable.

But when I tell you, I am in a winning season now, and you know, I can’t share all the good things that are happening yet, but you guys will find out more later. But there’s joy on the other side of darkness and Tito and his story is an example of that.

So tell me more about sort of that transition. There had to be a moment where you realized I don’t have to do these toilets anymore. I’m figuring this out.

Tito:
Well what happened… Okay, well, we’re gonna talk about this now. Haha. Okay. So one of these days that I was singing after my shift, somebody called me to do, they were paying me in cash to sing in a hotel, a fancy hotel in Hollywood. And I went and sang and then the team for a famous famous singer called Andra Day was there that day…

Nicole:
Yes, Andra Day, we love her. She’s so talented.

Tito:
So talented.

Nicole:
Oh, my gosh.

Tito:
And they saw me and they were like, we want to work with you.

Nicole:

Wait, freeze. You were just singing in a hotel lobby. And they were walking through and they’re like…

Tito:
Yes, she was trying on dresses for the Oscars. And she was taking forever because she was going dress by dress.

Nicole:
Of course.

Tito:
And they were like we’re gonna have a drink at the lobby. And I was singing in the lobby.

Nicole:
But God. I just want to tell you, y’all if you can’t tell Tito’s life is blessed. It’s one of the reasons why I am so drawn to him. And if you guys, you must follow him on social. He’s everywhere. Tito Rey Music. You have to follow him. He is someone you want to win. I mean, he is a light in this world. And actually you know what, now’s a great time, Tito can you sing something?

Tito: Yes!

Nicole:
I realized, like, we’re talking and hyping up all this stuff. You guys, once you hear this, you will know, get ready for chills.

Tito:
Alright, so this is my first single, actually talks about my experience being undocumented. I wrote it in 2019 and it’s called, Nobody’s Illegal. Okay, it goes like this.

<singing> My grandfather told me to never give up. Because if you get lucky, you get to the top. So I left my country. I packed my bags. My dreams and my passport, and never looked back.

Nicole:
I’m like, you guys, you guys aren’t here. And of course, you can always watch the footage of this on YouTube. We’ve got the YouTube channel that, y’all we are looking at each other with tears in our eyes. I love you so much Tito. How incredible is he? I mean chills, chills and those words, especially after hearing your story. I mean, unbelievable. So you guys understand now, full picture, why they stopped in the middle of their drinks in that hotel lobby having a full on LA magic moment to say, Who is this kid?

Tito:
Yeah. And that was great. They really develop me. You know, they did artists development.

Nicole:
And that was your break?

Tito:
Basically, yeah, at the same time I was in the process of getting my green card. You know, I met my husband, oh, my God. And we married and at the same time that we were going through that, I met these people and I’m like, actually now it could work.

Nicole:
So things are really starting to come together. So how many years were you struggling before this?

Tito:
So a little over six years, or six and a half.

Nicole:
Six and a half years before? I mean, literally in the middle of the struggle, in the middle of the sacrifice, in a hotel lobby and God changed everything just like that.

Tito:
But I also feel like I manifested it. I will pray on my knees. I’m very Latino and dramatic. On my feet, in the bed. I’m like, Just take me to the right people. Yeah, that can fix my situation so what I came to do in this world, which I think it’s inspiring.

Nicole:
Oh, yes. And so let’s talk about that because a lot of times, you know, I have a Christian audience. I’m a Christian, you know, people talk all the time about oh, yeah, well, I really, you know, I’ve just been praying for it and I’m just praying that it happens. But with your prayer, you were working.

Tito: Action!

Nicole: Action.

Tito:
You can pray, pray, pray, but you need to go and get that blessing too.

Nicole:
Listen, we can preach on that today! Go get that blessing! Absolutely. And that’s true, because you were also showing up, paying your bills, scrubbing toilets, taking gigs, where you could take gigs, working when you’re tired. And you were doing all those things coupled with praying and hoping and believing that change was going to come. So you get developed, they find you, you know, and then what?

Tito:
So everything ready to launch. I’m talking CNN, MTV. I had an hour special on spectrum news and if you go online, you’ll get it. It’s an hour interview on Spectrum news about my life and my story being there. The day, that a week we were going to release Nobody’s Illegal, the Coronavirus hit. I was going to open the tour of the most successful LGBTQ artists in Latin America, in Canada and America. My first year ever. I was going to open, it was so many dates. I had an agent, I had everything ready. I had my papers.

Nicole:
You were certain this was your moment, seven years in the making.

Tito:
Of course, seven in the making, and then everything shuts down.

Nicole:
Ah, so I think this is a great place to call out that. Even if you’re thinking that you’re going to, everything’s together, sometimes you have to get very good at starting over.

Tito:
And that was hard. That’s been one of the hardest things. Devastating because, for a minute, I’m like, I am this close.

Nicole:
You could taste it.

Tito:
I mean, I could taste it, I could taste it.

Nicole:
But that was also a lot of artists. I mean, like I have a lot of friends in industry. I mean, a lot of artists in LA. I mean, a lot of people quit, you know, they just stopped performing. They just stopped the depression.

Tito:
And you know, that happened to me. I went through almost suicidal depression.

Nicole:
Of course.

Tito:
And during the pandemic, and that’s when I got my dog.

Nicole:
Oh my gosh.

Tito:
My dog saved my life.

Nicole:
Oh, my goodness, just joy, finding joy.

Tito:
Yes, yeah. And just looking into his eyes and be like, I am here, in this moment with this puppy.

Nicole:
Well, you also have a lot of great habits too. Because I’ve seen it you meditate. You work out religiously, you eat well, you take care of yourself. I mean, all those things help you.

Tito:
It’s survival skills, girl, because without that, for all those years, I would have been a drug addict or I would have been who knows?

Nicole:
Listen, tell it, you know, and it’s so funny, because, you know, and I hope that everyone listening understands this too, because a lot of people think that you come to LA and you get caught up in the life. You know, they see La they’re like, oh, it’s flash and it’s drugs and it’s you know, music and that the truth is, that’s a choice a choice.

Tito:
It’s a choice, a choice, you know, to get caught and now I’m not gonna lie, I had a few years of rock and roll.

Nicole:
You were also a baby.

Tito:
You know, when I was 21 in West Hollywood.

Nicole:
You know, we’ve all made choices at 21. You know, but like, I got married at 21.

Tito:

Oh!

Nicole:
We all made choices. Haha.

Tito:
But I lived that stage. And it’s burned. And I don’t need that anymore. So then during the pandemic, everything I had dissolved.

Nicole: Wow.

Tito:
And we can even say marriage included.

Nicole: Oh, wow.

Tito:
Everything went down south and I was not getting booked because we couldn’t.

Nicole:
There was no place and no one knew what it was going to end.

Tito:
You know, so no one knew what the path forward was. So I couldn’t go see my family because the border was closed. Yeah, it was it was a hard time and I just had to pull myself up again by myself and with my doggy and now I’m in transitioning. I moved out of my place. I am actually also getting divorced. First time that I said this live and I’m starting over.

I’m starting to book shows in Chile and LA. I just did a TV show in Chile that was very successful. I released a single with the number one rapper of my country right now that is doing so well over there.

Nicole: Amazing.

Tito:
And I’m ready to release more music but the thing is that you this isn’t, this isn’t a choice. This is my purpose. And I cannot live without music, without me writing songs. That’s why I feel I do what I do, is to inspire people and to show that you can come from the ghetto of the ghettos in South America, you know, go to a public school and all those things there.

But look at me now. I’m 29. I’m still trying to make it happen. I’m still making money and I’m full of dreams.

Nicole:
And you’re full of dreams. Oh, I don’t even know if there’s much else I could add to that. Tito, you’re wise beyond your years. I mean, I have to let you guys know, you know, part of what inspires me about Tito is, you know, you guys know I have a consulting firm I work with artists and musicians and clients and TV. And when I go backstage, if I’m at a show Tito is one of the few people I see, you know, doing warm ups and doing exercises and not partaking in drugs. And, you know, he’s preparing himself to get on stage and he always shows up on time, if not early, in full makeup, hair and wardrobe.

That audience could have two people or it could have 2000 people, you would not know from how he performs on stage. And if there’s anything you can take from some of our conversation here today, it’s that it does not matter what the circumstances are, you still have to show up and do your very best and believe.

Tito:
And in my mind, something that you told me and it really resonated with me. It’s like, how are you going to show up to your new life? And that’s why I’m also like double disciplined on everything I do. Like today, I woke up and I was feeling down. I’m like, You know what, no and I went for an hour run in all Santa Monica, you know, and went back. So you just gotta pick up good habits. I feel like depression. It’s real.

Nicole: It is real.

Tito:
But you don’t have a choice. If you don’t eat right, exercise, meditate and take care of yourself, right? You just go down into hole, you’re just gonna be there forever.

Nicole:
Oh, so good. I mean, you’re, again, so much wisdom, so much stuff. So I love all this. There’s so many notes, everyone, take this in, absorb it, apply it. Recognize that so much change is within us and there are Tito’s everywhere, not just here but all around us. Look for the people, look for the helpers, look for the inspiration. Because God is always sending you reminders that you deserve and you are capable. So Tito, now, where can people keep up with you? What do you have going on next? Because you always have, I mean, I literally can’t keep up with you always have something going on. So tell us about any new music, where we can find you and all the things.

Tito:

So you can find me on Instagram. You can find me on Twitter, you can find me on Facebook, you know, Tito Rey Music. But right now I’m working on my next thing actually, my next single is done. And it’s called Familia and you will connect with this because it talks about taking care of your family.

Nicole: Yes.

Tito:
And there’s my father, my father had a crazy story. Well, my father tried to kill me and my mom when I was 12. He was a drug addict. And at the same time he was drug dealing.

Nicole: Oh, wow.

Tito:
He will come in and out of the house, he will get lost for months. And once in December, he came home at like 2am. I don’t know why I was helping my mom at the liquor store at the time we had a liquor store. And he comes in, and he’s completely coming down from something because his eyes were crazy.

Nicole:
How old are you?

Tito:
I was 12. And then he pulls a gun on my mom and he said, give me everything you made today and give me alcohol and cigarettes or I’ll kill you right now. And then I went in front of my mom. And I said if you’re gonna kill her, you gotta kill me first. We had another helper in the store. And she picked up cigarettes, all the cash, liquor, the most expensive liquor and she grabbed a bag. He’s like, here you go.

Nicole:
I mean, you were robbed by your own father as a child.

Tito:
Whose name is Tito. My real name is Paulo. But his name is Tito. And he left, he had an accident after that. He fell from a bridge and broke a cervical and he was paraplegic for a week and then he died.

Nicole:
Oh my gosh.

Tito:

And since then I felt the pressure of taking care of my mom. My mom lost her house, lost a car, lost a family business. Everything, because she loved this man.

Nicole:
Of course, similar story, a common story amongst immigrants, first generation. We feel a lot of weight and responsibility to take care of our family.

Tito:
So in this song I tell the story of when, before that, when the cops came into my house. My father was dealing drugs. My mom wasn’t aware of anything. And then like at 2am they come in, they knock on the door, break everything down, look for drugs, cash, whatever. I wake up at 2am and I hear my mom say please don’t wake up leto, which is me. There’s nothing in his room I swear is nothing. There’s nothing in his room. And the song. Oh, I’m getting emotional.

Nicole:
It’s beautiful.

Tito:
And in the chorus, I say, <sings in Spanish> which means Mama don’t cry, Mama, don’t cry. I’m gonna take care of the family. <voices breaks>

Nicole:
Yeah. Oh, oh, Tito. The truth is though, the truth is, you know, you are taking care of the family.

Tito: I am.

Nicole:
And you’re doing amazing work. And we are so proud of you. I think everyone listening right now can feel that we want you to win.

Tito:
I’m ruining my makeup, it’s not worth it Nicole. <laughs>

Nicole:
I’m not going to lose an eyelash here today. You’re not gonna have me out here looking a mess on YouTube. You’re not gonna do it. Y’all, how incredible is he? How incredible is he?

Tito:
You’re incredible. Thank you for having me today.

Nicole:

Amazing, it’s a joy that you’re here today and thank you so much for sharing so vulnerably, being so open and so honest with us. I mean, not only are you beyond inspiring, but I think your story is one that just so many of us can connect to and be inspired by just really take pieces of it and say like, wherever we are, there’s merit to it. It matters. So I appreciate you giving of yourself that way to us here today. And how can we get back to you? Where can we download your single and hear more from you?

Tito:
Well, it’s everywhere. And this single that I just talked about, Mi Familia, is coming out between the second and third week of August. You can find it anywhere. There’s a very cool music video. And yes, I’m Tito Rey and this is who I am.

Nicole:
Oh, we love who you are.

Tito: Thank you.

 

In this episode, Tito and I chat about:

• How Tito found himself in Las Vegas at a young age,
• Why he had to start over despite trying to do everything right,
• The sacrifices he made to pay his bills and continue performing,
• How he grabbed the attention of key players in a hotel lobby, and
• Where Tito is today in pursuing his purpose

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Find Tito on YouTube, Instagram, and Facebook
• Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss our last chat about being a rescuer!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

You Can Save Yourself

Friend, do you need to save yourself? In this chat I am answering the number one question I get from you around finding your purpose, discovering your gifts, and getting clarity over what’s next for you!

This is such a hot topic and I share WHY I think that is plus where to start in the process. We also talk about how I made myself content this week and a recent self revelation I had that I think you’ll really relate to. The bottom line? Friend, stop all the saving and save yourself!

We’re getting into it today friend! Thanks for being here and making this a two-way conversation! Share your thoughts with me by sliding into my DMs @NicoleWalters. Talk to you there friend!

Nicole:
Hey, friends. So our chat this week, I’m just gonna dive in because it is chock full of goodness. And this is all goodness that you have asked for specifically. So our Q&A is the number one question that I get from anyone who’s trying to start something new. Our Don’t make yourself content this week is kind of personal for me. But I’m excited to share with you because I think that you’ll understand and hopefully you’ll find some meaning for yourself. And then our little chat that we’re going to wrap up with today is something that I really have spent the past year learning. It’s a little bit more of a personal chat but I really am proud of the growth I’ve made in this area. And I also know in some of the conversations we’ve been having in the DMs and some of the conversations we’ve been having on social, that this really speaks to us so this is gonna be a good one. Lean in, grab the kiddos, this one’s all good stuff. And I’ll let’s get to it.

So the Q&A that I received that slid into my DMs this week, is the number one thing I mean, I always get a variation of this, all the time. And it’s Nicole, where do I start if I want to try something new? How do I find my purpose? How do I find my gift? And how do I get started? I get this question so often. And I first want to address the root of the question. I think the root of the question is that we are living in a time right now where a lot of people are making a lot of money online, telling you that you need to find a purpose, telling you that the time you are spending is not being spent well. Or there are things you need to be doing differently, or are there things that you’re seeking out, I mean, there is just a big huge business around you being in a state of constant dissatisfaction of where you are and who you are. And, and that is always leading us to feel a little like we’re stuck. Like we need to work really hard at finding something new. And that’s the first thing I just wanted to address.

There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with you, friend, every place you are is meaningful. If you’re working with your kids, if you’re working in your business, if you’re still at the nine to five, whether or not that is where you think you’re ultimately going to be and whether or not you figured out where you want to go, I just want to let you know that it’s still meaningful, the time that you’re spending is is worthy, you’re learning things, you’re gathering skills, you’re lending your gifts to a child or to your business or to others, and it all counts.

So acting as if purpose is some far off destination that you have yet to reach, or you constantly need to be working towards rather than treating purpose like the journey that you’re on every single day and you’re acquiring bits and pieces along the way, is misleading, and it’s harmful. I want you to know that every single day, as long as you’re showing up the best you can, you are doing something worthy, and you are doing something meaningful.

So all that being said, it doesn’t change the fact that we do feel our calling, we do feel that movement, we do feel that need to make a shift. And I want to let you know that making that shift is something I absolutely relate to, after quitting my job live online in front of 10,000 people. And after launching a TV show and you know, having this podcast space for us to hang out and chat and you know, I get the need to start something new the call to express ourselves, whether it’s creatively or financially, in a different way.

So again, and I want to let you know that where to start is actually a lot simpler than you think. It really starts with putting a pen to paper and designing what it is that you’re seeking. It’s focusing on the end outcome and not the first step. So in business, this is simply the concept of reverse engineering. And what that means is you actually work backwards from the end goal forward to figure out what you need. So a lot of us feel stuck because we feel overwhelmed with all the many steps in front of us. Do I get a business coach? Do I sign up for a business account? Do I need to raise money? Do I need investors? Do I talk to my husband about having more babies? Do I just go see a doctor first to find out whether or not I can’t have more babies, do I? You know, what do I do? What do I do?

We always feel so overwhelmed with all the many steps in front of us. And in reality, getting clarity around where we’d like to end up is the first thing. So for me, whenever I’m trying to figure out where to start, I really try to figure out where I want to end up so if the answer of where I want to end up is I’d like to buy a new car. You know, I start doing research around what car do I want? You know, am I looking for a car with great safety? Am I looking for a car that you know goes really fast? Am I looking for a car that has these features? Once I found what I’m looking for, and a price point that’s attached to it. Now you can actually go backwards from there and figure out what do I need to get and acquire to get to that goal. Furthermore, when you have clarity around the goal, you actually start learning more about the resources and people you need to ask to figure out what you need to get to the goal. So what that looks like is this, if I know that I want to get this car. Well, now that I know how much it costs, I can probably ask the dealership? What are my different financing options? If that’s the route that you want to take? Or how much do I need to start saving from each paycheck so I can pay for this thing in full and remain debt free? And if I now know kind of what numbers I need to bring to the table, what does that bring next? If I’m working my way backwards. It’s determining what sort of work I need to do to make those numbers? So now I can evaluate? What job do I need to have? And how much do I need to save? Do I need a second side hustle? Or do I need to ask for a raise? How much do I need to adjust my budget to make it happen, so on and so forth.

But friend, you see what’s happening here, we start at the top, and we work our way to the bottom? I think that too often because we get overwhelmed and gobbled up in the details around what feels like a very big dream. We fail to do the research around how to make that dream possible. Listen, we live in an amazing, amazing time. There’s so much information available and honestly we have access, direct access, to the resources and mentors and people that we know, like never before.

Since when have you been able to slide into a celebrity’s DMs? Since when have you been able to just shoot out an email to a company’s CEO directly and get some answers that you’re looking for. It may not work every single time but it is possible. All you have to do is know what to ask. And all you gotta do is know what you want. So if you’re saying to yourself that you’re trying to figure out where to start, I’m going to throw back at you to figure out where it is you’re trying to go. Get some clarity around that and then everything else will rise to meet you. Friend, I’ve learned that anything is possible. I’ve gotten really good at asking the right questions but I’ve gotten even better at getting clear about my destination, you can do the same. Try these tips and make it happen.

So for Don’t make yourself content you guys know I always usually pull ripped from the headlines or something that happened this week. But I actually am just going to talk about how I made myself content, if you will. It’s kind of crazy. Because you know how I am in our chats, I just kind of put myself out there. But the number one thing that always happens to me, and I didn’t realize it was so heavily talked about was whenever people meet me in real life. Recently I held what I called a meet and eat. I know you listen, you know me well enough that you’re not surprised. People have meet and greets, right. It’s a thing where if you have some degree of a following or a good bit of friends online like I do, you might pull together a little get together where everyone comes to a venue or you know a bar or a restaurant or some sort of spot. And we all get together and we might chat.

Now usually they’re pretty formal. Meaning if you have these meet and greets you might have security there or like a handshake line or you’re selling your books and there’s microphones and all that razzle dazzle y’all know me well enough to know I’m a hot mess. It’s not like that. It might not always be trust me, my team around me because I do have a team. I have an agency. I’m repped, have managers all that they’re always like Nicole, please, Nicole, please do the formal thing. What are you doing? We can help you with this. We can get sponsors, yada, yada, yada. I’m like, No. All we need is Target and like some cheese. We just want to get together and shop at Target and eat cheese. And so, you know, needless to say last week, that’s exactly what I did.

I put out the call to you and you know and the rest of our internet besties and if you don’t follow me on Instagram, it’s why you didn’t hear about it. But if you follow me on Instagram at NicoleWalters, you saw that I put out the request and I said, Hey in LA guys, we are all going to get together. And we’re going to meet at our local Target. And we are going to eat cheese, I’ll bring the cheese. And we are going to drink Starbucks. And we are going to shop at Target and we’re going to hang out and we’re going to talk friend things and we’re going to decide if we need that new turquoise bag. And we’re just gonna have a good old normal people time. And it was amazing, because I put out that call. I limited the group size because we didn’t want to overwhelm our local Target acting like a bunch of teenagers but we sold out like super quick, it was awesome. And all proceeds went to City of Refuge, my favorite charity. I absolutely love them.

So thank you guys who ended up buying a ticket to the meet and eat because you helped support this great cause that I absolutely love. But you also came to this amazing event, we had such a good time and you can actually see photos and videos and stuff like that over on my Instagram now but we had a blast. And this all leads to how I made myself content. So I was the content this week on my social media. This meet and eat.

What kept on coming up while we were there together. Everyone kept saying Nicole, I am absolutely shocked, but also like being super kind of like giving me credit. They were like, you are literally exactly like you are online. Like I am floored that you’re not different. And I’ve heard this like guys, I’ve been on the internet for 12-15 years now. And I’ve done lots of speaking events and lots of get togethers and lots of one to ones and lots of that stuff. I meet you guys all tomorrow, meet you at the mall or target in line or airplanes, you name it. And I often get that where they’re like, oh, you know, whomever I meet, like, if I met you, you know, wherever. They’re always like, oh, you know, you’re exactly like I thought and it’s always interesting to me. And here’s the content piece. And I think where we can all learn. It’s always interesting to me because then I asked Well, what did you expect, you know, or like, and usually the feedback I get is whenever they meet anyone and maybe you’ve had this experience too and I have a feeling you’re probably thinking of a scenario or something you know, similar or something you’ve heard of right from like another influencer internet person face or whatever.

Where they met them finally and they were like mean or standoffish or cold or awkward. I’m definitely awkward, but I give awkward like I give awkward online and I also give awkward in person. There’s no surprise there, right? Like that is very classic Nicole, like what am I doing with my hands? Yes, I’m eating cheese. No, there’s not candy in my pocket? Yes, it is. Yes, I’m adjusting my Spanx. Like these are things that we expect, because that’s how I am all the time. But that said, you know, people say that they just they’re noticing that there aren’t consistencies. And so I’ve really been chewing on that, because one of the things that comes up in interviews and other people are how do you appear more authentic online, you know, and I realized that a lot of people are making themselves content, whether they’re celebrities or influencers or building a brand or what have you, and making themselves content simply because they aren’t being who they are on the internet in person. So that when they are that person, when they meet them in person, then you’re like content now because you’re like, I thought you were nice. And then I caught you like screaming at a, you know, staff member at a restaurant, and boom, you’re content.

So that’s today’s lesson is, you know, well, if we’re going to show up in the world on the internet, how do we manage that with our real life? And I just kind of want to tell you what I’ve learned. So for me, I’ve learned that it is a lot easier to be authentic. If you are just yourself all the time. I know that sounds simpler and easier said than done. But it really is that simple. So when you see me online, from the beginning, I have shown up in pajamas, no bra and bonnet on the internet, like I have set that bar low y’all like plot twist, set the bar super, super low, and you’ll never disappoint them in person. I’m telling you, it’s like if you’ve seen me on the internet, you know with you know, no bra nips tagging into my waistband, you know, tucked in there, and like no makeup on bags or whatever you meet me in real life and you’re like, wow, Nicole, you look better in person. And well, thank you very much. Like I’ve received that, you know, I just I just find that if I live without pretense on the internet, and if you know I’m a hot mess, and if I say look, I was scared of this thing or I made this mistake or I think I screwed this thing up or I need help with this. It’s not much of a surprise if that’s how I am in person or if I am engaged in friendly in the DMs you know that I would also be that in person two, it’s just a lot easier on my spirit like selfishly so you know, it’s not really about you and our friendship in particular, but selfishly, so it’s a lot easier on my spirit to not feel pressure and nerves around being liked or validated through approval if the person that I am, it’s not something I have to modify or worry about matching up with.

So being completely honest about it even more, you know, with knowing that I was going through a divorce and kind of figuring out those transitions, there are things that I’ve kept private to myself, as I was sort of navigating it on the internet, but it wasn’t private out of shame, it was private, out of privacy, you know, because these things don’t really have to do with me solely. And also because I wanted to figure out how I felt so that I could be sort of respectful and honoring my own boundaries when I spoke to y’all. And also, because there is like, a little twinge of like, gosh, I just really hope that my friends are okay too. You know, because you guys are so supportive and loving and kind. And I just want to make sure that like, as we go into this next chapter, you guys aren’t like disappointed and you feel good about things. And you aren’t like Nicole, like what’s going on, you know, all that good stuff.

So, you know, it’s usually just me trying to figure out my best words, so I can show up as my best self. But yeah, like I tell you it’s a lot easier to be consistent and not become content, if you’re just yourself all the time. I will say that part of why I think this was almost accidentally done for me was because I’ve been on the internet for 15 years. In the very beginning, Instagram wasn’t Instagram. So showing my age here a little bit but I think that a lot of us who remember when Instagram first first came out, we know that everyone was kind of figuring it out. No one thought it would be the money making platform. No one was monetizing social media with ads. It just wasn’t even a thing yet. No one was selling products or selling goods. There weren’t fake accounts, it literally was just a place where people are posting pictures, and playing around with filters a little bit. And that was the extent of it. So that’s how I used it. I always used social media as a means to engage with people. Basically, I use social media to be social. And that means that I chat with you in the DMs and I answer the comments myself. For those of you guys who don’t know, I run my own social media, there’s no teams in there, there’s no assistant, it’s just me. So, you know, I get between 250 to 1000 messages a day and I don’t answer them all, you know, but I try my best to get to them. And it’s me responding, you know, and I write all my own captions, those are not farmed out to a team and they never have been, I always do all my own content, I take all my own photos, unless I say that someone else has totally taken them.

You know, it’s all my own stuff. And so it’s been like that for 15 years. And I built my following without buying a single like or anything like that. And I say all that to let you know that truly, I have built it all without all the hashtags. I don’t use hashtags, or the gimmicks or the hacks or all those things. And I did it simply by just being myself. And so I think what happened is that one, I’m really, really, really, really lucky. Because I’m blessed. Because the fact that we’ve found each other here means that we’re the right people for each other, because what you see is what you get. So if you like me, I’ll like you. And you know, and because we like each other and we’re being honest about it.

Whereas I think with some people, they’ve come onto social media, and they’ve worried so much about curating a very specific image that tells a narrative of who they think they are, how they want to be seen. And what that’s ultimately caused is the ability and the pressure to feel like you have to be that all the time. So for those of you who said to yourself, I’m avoiding social media, because I don’t want that pressure. Or I’m not sure how to use my social media because I don’t want to be inauthentic. I just want to let you know that if you worry less about what people will think and how they’ll receive you. And if you worry more about just being you, you’ll be just fine. And that’s how to avoid making yourself content. Just be yourself and know that that is always good enough. And if nothing else, it’s a lot harder to be someone else.

So since this has been a full on chat, talking about all my biz, this one is a harder chat. It’s almost as hard as some of our earlier chests that we had at the top of the season. If you haven’t gone back and listened to episode one or episode three, where I’ve talked about sort of just boundaries with my children and my life and some of these transitions that I’m going through in my life right now with my marriage. You definitely want to go back and listen to those because it’ll help you understand sort of the context, I guess around a lot of what I’m sharing now but what I want to talk to you about is something that I have learned is a huge problem in my life, it’s actually a little bit well talking about it, I’m not kidding, it’s I’m feeling like the, the nerves, you know, a little bit because it’s, it’s embarrassing, I guess. Or maybe I just feel a little bit raw, sharing it out loud. And whatever, we have these chats, you know, I know you’re in the kitchen, or you’re in the gym, or you’re out and about doing your thing, but I don’t see your face, you know, and I’m just kind of like putting it into the void, but I’m trusting that you’ll understand and hear my heart here and extend me grace as I am learning to work through this. But it’s not something I’m embarrassed about, because a lot of us do it. I’m just really learning how impactful it’s been to my life. And it is an attribute and a behavior that I’m working really hard to grow and change around.

So the thing I’m talking about is something that goes along with boundaries. And boundaries are like a hot button topic, I think you guys hear it everywhere on the internet, you need to set boundaries, you have to have healthy boundaries. And if you’re not familiar with that, what boundaries are boundaries, essentially, are creating sort of a personal value system and ideals and concepts around what makes your life healthy and happy. And sort of being very clear about what that is that you need, and communicating it well so that other people can honor that. And hopefully, right, because not everybody honors boundaries, and we have to be prepared for that. But clearly communicating it so that that way you build a world that is protective of your mental health, frankly, and, and not just your mental health. But boundaries can also exist around like physical products, your body, your home, your material, goods, everything. So it’s just sort of kind of having like a personal rule set that is developed by you inside to make sure that people can respect you from the outside, and everybody needs them, everyone needs to use them because it helps us interact better and it also makes you a healthy, happier person as you’re accomplishing your goals in a crazy, chaotic world.

So boundaries are important. And if you’re not taught about them, what happens is, it’s very common for people to push boundaries or not respect them just by nature. If you are eating a meal that is shared, and you haven’t made it clear that we need to save some for these other parties that are attending, it is not uncommon to think that someone might eat extra food or extra cupcakes or what have you not knowing that there was a boundary set, or an expectation that there were other people. So that person may not have intended to violate the boundary, but they may have done that inadvertently and still cause you to feel upset or violated or unprepared because they didn’t respect that boundary.

So boundaries are important, they show up all the time, you gotta have them. So I’ve been working on that for years, not just boundaries within, you know, my relationship with my was-band, you know, and not just, you know, boundaries and relationship with my children, but boundaries in relationship with myself. And that’s what I wanted to talk about today. You know, sort of one of my biggest weaknesses, you know, that I’m working on that has been, you can hear, and I don’t want to edit that part out, you can hear that I’m kind of a little funky and talking about it, it’s because it’s embarrassing. So I’m just going to just bite the bullet and say, I’m a rescuer. And you might be too, and maybe not everywhere, but maybe in some places, and it hurts us. And it hurts the people around us. And we think we’re helping and we’re not. And I have spent years rescuing people when I needed to save myself.

And what happens is if you become a chronic rescuer, you get into the habit of setting yourself on fire to keep others warm. And what happens is you also cripple other people’s ability to learn how to take care of themselves. And what that means is, you actually have to learn the ability to watch other people fail. This goes against every fiber of my hardwiring, I am by nature, a helper God has formed me to be in this world to be a value add to be a helper to to show up to stand in the gap that is something I know about myself, unequivocally.

However, I’ve had to learn that sometimes the best way to help people is to turn away, walk away or move to the side. No one ever told me this. When I tell you that I have harmed people in my life, because I continuously rescue them inadvertently. But by always being a safety net, by always being a backup plan, by always being a solution, I have failed to afford them the opportunity to learn from loss. Loss and failure can be one of the greatest teachers that we could ever have. Think about your own life. Think about who you are and how you show up today.

How much of that is because of the trauma that you’ve had to overcome? How much of that is because you’ve had to learn how to stand in the gap of the old things you were lacking? How much of that is because people failed you and didn’t show up and didn’t do what they needed to do? Not even intentionally, where they said they would.

You develop skills that you leverage day in and day out to serve yourself, and by extension at time serving others, but recognize that it shows up big and small. If we’re constantly making our kids sandwiches and doing their laundry for them up until the age of 30. They’re not going to learn how to make a sandwich or do it for themselves. And even if we say to ourselves, well, they know how to do it, I’m just being helpful. Well, I want you to understand that even if they know how to do it, learning how to integrate that skill into their life in a daily way in your absence is something they will struggle with. And they will recognize that it would be easier to find someone else to stand in that place rather than do it themselves. Because that’s the life to which they become accustomed.

People adapt to ease very quickly. And what happens is, they don’t step up and say let me quickly replace it with the difficult thing. They say is there another place where I can have something fill this gap that will replicate the ease to which I’ve been accustomed first? So when I raise my daughters, I think I want to raise people that know how to independently take care of themselves and are not looking to be fulfilled by others so that one, they’re not looking for someone else to sell them a story of how they lack, but two so that when they eventually find the partners that they end up spending their lives with, that they’re able to be able to say, Look, I am here as a value-add to our partnership as we grow things together but I am not here to stand in the gap of what you lack, and be all the things that you can acquire and be for yourself.

I tell you, friend, this lesson has been hard fought and I’m still fighting it every single day. I’ve got a 23 year old, which as I mentioned in episode one, is going through some struggles with addiction. And she’s doing great, she is seven months sober, you know, as of this time, and I’m so so proud of her. But this is a part of her history that has existed long before she came into my world. And or we came into each other’s world honestly, you know, and I love her to no end and she is a blessing and I have zero regrets about being our mother, it feels like a privilege to even be positioned to do so. But it also means that I’ve had to really learn to balance how I want to show up in her life, and hand her as much responsibility as possible that she’s able to bear so that she can learn to carry it on her own.

And my kids have really taught me how important it is to not rescue. Because one thing that becomes sobering as I grow older and older, and especially as I’ve lost my own father recently is that at some point in time, I’ll be gone. And if there’s nothing else that I want to give my children, it’s the ability to be able to sustain in my absence. I want them to be able to have a life that is uncompromised by the fact that I’m here or not here. I want them to feel happy and whole and complete by themselves. And that means that I’ve got to loosen the reins and let them fail or fly. And it’s a little bit easier with our kids because we recognize that that’s the relationship that we’re rearing them. But I want you to examine other relationships.

Are you always rescuing at work? Are you always rescuing with your spouse? Are you always rescuing with a brother or a sibling or a best friend, who doesn’t plan and prepare for the bill? Who isn’t planning and preparing for the career choice who isn’t planned or prepared with food? Who isn’t planned or prepared for the trip? Are you always saying well that’s just how they are so I’ve learned how to accommodate for their lack. Because people need to experience the consequences of their own lack so they can learn the tools that they need to acquire to make up the difference.

You don’t have to be that tool, especially when it comes at the expense of your own energy. I’m going to tell you something that I actually posted on social media a little while ago in case you missed it, and something that I actually echo to myself all the time and that I really hope that you absorb. Friend, your business is worth minding. You are so valuable. And any investment that you make of your own energy into your own business is money and time and energy well spent. Anytime that you extract from the bank, have your peace of mind and energy and pay that out elsewhere, it can be a total loss and you’re not getting it back, especially if that person does not invest back or invest into themselves. So if there’s only one thing that I want you to take from the lessons that I’ve fought hard to learn, it’s that you don’t have to save anyone who has the ability to save themselves.

So friend, I’m pledging to give up my rescuing hat today. And I’m hoping that you’re in it with me, because we have big things we’ve been called to do, and big ways that we’re going to show up in this world. And it’s worth putting our effort towards those things. That wasn’t easy to say out loud. But I’m so glad that I did. And in our show notes, I want you to know that I have a little message area there. It’s Nicolewalters.com/message. If you click on that, you can send me a message. I’d love to hear about how rescuing has showed up in your life, how you’ve managed to change it, how you’ve really grown. And maybe we can share some tips not just here but with our other internet besties so that we’re all on the same page, because believe it or not, we’re all kind of helpers by nature. That’s why we get along. We really are about how can we best show up in this world and how can we love on the people around us. But sometimes we do that to our own detriment. So drop me a message in the DMs, send me a message, you know, on our voicemail system so that way I can hear from you. And we can all learn from each other. Because I know that if we can learn to let go just a little bit more. We’re actually going to open up our arms to receive everything we deserve. So let’s go get it.

 

In this episode, we chat about:

• Why so many of us are looking for our purpose,
• Where to start in discovering your unique gifts,
• How you can live out your purpose right now and every day, plus
• What feedback I get after you hang out with me in person,
• The personal weakness I’m working on right now, and
• Why you’ve got stop saving others when you need to save yourself

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Don’t miss episodes 1 and episode 3 from this season!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.

How to Get What You Want

This season our chats have been full of stories I needed to fill you in on but today you’re going to walk away with some tangible tips that will help you get what you want at home and at work this week!

I’m answering your questions on switching careers, giving you my thoughts on staying ready, and sharing how to improve your negotiation skills at home and at work. Friend, these work EVERYWHERE.

I’m so glad you’re here, hanging out with me each week! Let me know what resonated with you by tagging me on Instagram @NicoleWalters. I’ll chat with you there!

Nicole:
Hey, friend, oh, man, we are officially in summer. And I am so looking forward to our summertime chats because there’s so much to cover. And what’s nice is obviously as adults, we’re still working while the kids are at camp or behind us bugging us or, you know, running around, but we are still on the go. And what’s great is our time here today and every week is going to be useful and valuable and meaningful and fun and hopefully we’ll have some laughs too. So I’m hoping that this finds you well. And that you know that I’m doing well. I’ll do the best I can. But I’m feeling pretty good. It’s nice that it’s finally gotten warm, warm outside and probably scorchingly hot for some of you. So sending cool vibes as well.

We’re gonna kick off with our q&a, we’re back to our normal format. And I’m really excited because this one is a good one because I think a lot of us, just with everything that’s happening in the world with our careers in our lives, are facing the same question that Angela has. So this week’s question comes to us from Angela.

Angela:
I have been an elementary school teacher for 11 years now and I’m considering transitioning out of that career field just because of all the changes that are happening in education. And as I look at corporate jobs, I feel like I have skills that would be suited for a corporate position. I mean, organization, time management, working with lots of different types of people. You know, community partners, all of those things that teachers do, but I don’t know how to appropriately market myself in a way that will appeal to someone that’s hiring and choosing me versus someone who does have that corporate experience. So I’m just curious if you have advice or tips and tricks that you could share that maybe would help me market myself better. And be able to show that I can use my skills that I have as a teacher and how that would transfer over to the corporate private sector.

Nicole:

This is a great question. And y’all I get this one all the time, not just about transitioning from a previous role into a new role. But just in general, how do we make ourselves the most appealing candidates whenever we’re seeking a new opportunity. And that isn’t just limited to a job, any opportunity! We all have skills that are transferable. So what I want to tell you is something that’s pretty big. And if you’ve got a teenager around, or, you know, an older adult young child who’s in your home who you want to get out of your house, I’ve got one of those <laugh> pull them in because this is valuable to them too.

So, first thing to know. There are two issues when we look at our skills. The first one is confidence, right? Do we believe that we are worthy of the opportunity that we’re seeking? I’m going to set that on the shelf and let’s talk about some of the practicality first, which is do we actually have the skills for the jobs that we want? So skills are divided into two categories. The first one is soft skills, and the second are hard skills. Now, if you haven’t heard of this term before, they really make a difference, and you totally already know it. But this is gonna be helpful. Now, hard skills are basically things that you actually know how to do. I can work in Excel spreadsheet, I can sort through files, I know how to handle this software, I know how to create lesson plans, that’s an actual hard skill. If I hire someone who’s a baker, they better know how to make a cake, right?

But then there’s soft skills, soft skills are the things that frankly, you probably hear people complaining about the most if they’re a boss, or a supervisor or manager, it’s knowing how to handle an escalation, it’s customer service, it’s knowing how to problem solve and deal with things as they come up. adaptability, flexibility, your eagerness to learn and how you show up as a co-worker. Soft skills are the thing that are the hardest to teach, and honestly the most valuable thing that anybody is looking for when they hire. So I want to let you know that oftentimes, we minimize the value of our soft skills, because it’s easier to put a price point on the value of our hard skills. So now that you know the difference between the two of those things I want you to ask yourself, when you’re looking at new opportunities, are you only measuring the hard skills that they’re looking for, and ignoring the many, many soft skills that you’re bringing? Or are you also giving yourself credit for the soft skills that you can bring to the role?

Now, Angela, in your situation in particular, I think there’s nothing more amazing about any teacher which, many shout out for our teachers out there, if anyone’s ever followed me on social media which you can @ NicoleWalters all around the internet, or caught any of my content. You know, I stand for the teachers. I love you. I appreciate you. You all are godsend. You take such good care of our babies. You deserve to be protected, cherished, loved, doted upon, paid well, celebrated all of the things. So team teachers all day, God bless you, you’re amazing. And I am so sorry for the challenges you’re facing in such a difficult time.

So that said, as some of you are looking to transition out of the role and move into new things, Angela, never minimize the soft skills you have. Teachers are negotiators. Teachers are adaptable, they are lesson planners, they are flexible. Oftentimes, teachers are assuming multiple roles and accomplishing them very effectively. Teachers, aside from actually just teaching the students, they’re usually training their peers or a teaching assistant in the classroom. Teachers know how to pull together lesson plans while also delivering the content. Teachers are researchers, they’re crafters, they’re creatives. And with all of the soft skills that they have, including managing many personalities, dealing with lots of different goals, entering new situations, like classrooms, and field trips, and being able to handle whatever comes your way. These are all soft skills that are incredibly applicable not just to the corporate world, but to any world.

I know that if I hire a teacher, I’m getting someone who can hit the ground running. And honestly, you can’t pay for that skill, it’s hard to find and it is worth every penny. And outside of that skill. Teachers also have a lot of hard skills. You guys are constantly learning new software’s you guys are a beast when it comes to the internet. You guys are really strong in social media and Lord knows you can Pinterest like crazy because these kids are coming home with projects that I can never figure out.

So all that said, don’t minimize the huge suite of services that you’re bringing to the table as a teacher, in particular, Angela. But for all of you, if you’re saying to yourself, gosh, I just want to level up into a new role, or I want to shift into a new position in a different world or industry, recognize that you’re bringing a lot of different skills to the table. And all those skills are valuable.

Now to briefly address the second part because honestly, you’re already worth it. You hear me say it all day. But the confidence to apply, to make that move, to say to yourself I’m gonna give this thing a shot, it boils down to one thing, you’re not the expert in the role that you’re applying for. Listen, you’re going to drop off that resume to an HR person who knows exactly what they’re looking for. Your job is to give them a shot to look at you for that role. So don’t cancel yourself out when they’re the expert at determining whether or not you’ve got what they need. Put it in front of them, let them decide. And then if you get called in, all you have to do is recognize that an interview is basically a yes. They just want to make sure that they want to work next to you. Are you going to be the coworker who brings in tuna fish to the office every day? Are you going to be the person who has the soft skills and the kindness and can answer a question as well. Poise and put together because if so, that job is yours. So put in that application. See what happens. And good luck, Angela. I think you’ve got it!

This weeks “Don’t make yourself content” is kind of nich-y. But super funny. So, first I’m going to catch up because if you’re like me, you’re busy momm-ing and you’re working, you got a lot of life things going on, and you may not catch all the tea. So I’m going to bring you up to speed on what’s happened in the past couple of weeks. Now, if you haven’t heard of this music battle concert digital series called Verzuz. You gotta look it up. It is so amazing and also so hilarious. Now, I gotta catch up with what happened. I can barely think of it without laughing because this week’s Verzuz I mean, it is spawning so many spoofs and conversations trending on Twitter, because it was a hot mess express.

Now, the Verzuz concert series is essentially this, it was born during the pandemic. And basically, they take two artists that they feel are fairly equally matched, or two groups or bands, and they put them up against each other in an onstage battle. And that onstage battle is broadcast digitally, and everyone can watch. And it’s great because the battle is sort of your greatest hits. So you get to watch this incredible mini performance from two of your favorite artists kind of dueling it out singing their best hits, and no one’s really declared a winner because ultimately, they’re your faves anyways, but you just really get to enjoy the back and forth the banter, the interaction and maybe a little bit of light jabs as they kind of challenge each other, you know, around their careers. And overwhelmingly it’s been a lot of fun. There have been matchups, like Brandy and Monica. And I think most of us remember them from both their TV shows, and you know, growing up, you know, but then there’s also like Jada kiss, and fabulous who are rappers that have had a lot of really big hits, and a couple of tiny ones. And maybe a little bit more niche here if you’re not familiar, but I mean, it’s just been a lot of fun to watch some of our favorites from the 90s and the early 2000s get together and you know, just sing some of our favorites. And during the pandemic, it was super fun, because we didn’t have much else going on.

Now the Verzuz situation has grown so big that now they have sponsors, they have a stage, they have mics, and it is like a full fledged event. Well, the most recent one that was held was a battle of some of our favorite R&B male performers. We’re talking Ray J, Jeremiah, Mario, Sammy, all these one hit wonder R&B singers from the early 2000s. And some of them are like three, four hit wonders, you know, and a lot of them still have fairly fairly prominent careers, you know, doing some openings or going on tour as a group. But it was really fun. And I think a lot of us were eager to see them on stage. And they got on stage recently and it was not what any of us expected.

If there is nothing you’ve ever YouTubed you don’t even have to like r&b music, you’re gonna want to check out these clips y’all. They get on stage. And at first when I was watching this, I remember thinking to myself, this can’t be real. I think that was probably the reaction of most of us like this is not real life. And what we saw was a bunch of different artists, who obviously they’re now they’re grown, right. These are people who had hit when they were between the ages of 12 and 16, maybe a couple of later hits in their early teens and early 20s. And I tell you, they’re up there and they are singing off key, they are out of breath. They are poorly dressed for you know, there’s no consistency, you can tell they weren’t intentionally styled. They aren’t well rehearsed with their backup singers. They’re having mic issues.

I mean, it was very evident that either it had been a long time since they’ve been on stage or that they were very, very ill prepared for the performance, knowing that it would be widely broadcast and knowing that this is a real opportunity to kind of reinvigorate their career and pick up steam, you know, where they may not have had it before.

So now as you know in “Don’t make yourself content” I’m not sitting here to bash you know anybody’s favorite, right? Because I’m not trying to have all of you Ray J stans in my comments saying don’t talk about my fella. Okay, so that’s what this is about. What I do want to do is illustrate this as an example of something that I do talk about all the time that we can all apply to our life.

Stay ready, so you don’t have to get ready. I gotta tell you, one of the things that I have really been proud of in my business and in my life and with my clients and my customers and my friends, is I am really big on making sure that they have the tools to be ready and build the business they need and the life they need so that if Oprah calls, you’re ready to roll. You never want to be in a situation in this world where you go viral and you aren’t ready to capitalize on it, not only can it be a huge monetary loss, but it can change the trajectory of your life.

And I say this as someone who has a combined over 200 million views of viral content online. That’s right. 200 million views. So I have been seen by more than the population of Australia. And what that means is, you better believe I’ve wanted to catch every single dime trickle down or value that could come out of a click. And so what that meant was just making sure I built my back end. So I’ve had a website, I’ve had a social media. And on top of that, I’ve really taken care of my fitness and my health, I’ve made sure that I’m in a position where if someone wants to pop up at my house in a camera, give me five minutes to throw some foundation on these bags, two minutes to put on my Spanx, and I’m ready to interview.

And that’s what I learned when I watched these artists. Listen, we all know that everybody’s careers and their lives go through ebbs and flows. We all know that we are imperfect people, which means that we’re not always in a state of perfect readiness, right, or you’re gonna catch me in a ponytail, you might catch me in a bonnet, you may catch me without my Spanx on, like, that’s real life. But it shouldn’t take you that long to bounce back if you know an opportunity could be around the corner. Live in a state of readiness, live in a state of belief that abundance is at your door. And that’s not what these artists did. I mean, if I were someone who had spent years waiting for an opportunity to get back on stage at this magnitude, again, to have this type of visibility in these eyes, you would have caught me fit, vocally ready, you would have caught me having gone to lessons and preparing.

And for those of you guys who have seen me on social media, particularly on Instagram @ Nicole Walters sharing my speaker training journey, you know that I don’t just prepare to speak right before I go on stage. I am practicing year round. I put in over 100 hours per keynote speech that I do. And that’s in formal training in a studio, in heels walking around knowing where I’m going to step and how to be prepared. And actually I did an episode, I think it’s episode nine, might be episode eight, listen to them both <haha> where I talk with my speaking coach about the preparation that goes into being ready to get on stage. And what really struck me when I saw these industry professionals, because that’s what they are, I mean, these are people who’ve already tasted success. These are people who have already seen what it looks like to win, to be successful and to grow. And here they are getting the very thing that they are paid to do, that they claim that they want, that they flex about on the gram, and they’re not ready.

And I’m not gonna put all the blame on them. You know, maybe their earpieces weren’t working, or maybe the sound was a little off. But at the end of the day, give Beyonce a mic and give her a room she’ll tell everyone turn those speakers out, you’re gonna hear me go acapella. Okay, because she’s the definition of staying ready.

And so if there’s anything we can learn from these artists that made themselves content this week, it’s that we can all do a little bit more to make sure that we can capitalize on the opportunities that we’ve been praying for. Because you deserve it. And every single day I believe the world is moving to bring greatness your way. And I just want you to be ready to receive it.

Now, we talked earlier about Angela trying to figure out how she can get into her new role and, you know, seeing about fitting into this marketing gig but this ties into today’s topic, because this is something I’m dealing with, as you know, I’m going through a divorce right now. And what that means is that I’m doing a lot of co-parenting work and conversation, and I’ll learning new ways to show up for my kids and my family, in a partnership with someone who is also building a new way of life, you know, and what that means is that I have really had to apply everything I have ever learned in business. And frankly, I’m really fortunate because I’ve really fine tuned these skills, at negotiation. Everything is about compromise. When you are in a co-parenting situation, and you both have independent lives, and you’re trying to kind of, you know, figure out how to do things the best for your babies, you know, and how to manage the life that you build together, you know, as two separate entities.

And this shows up in a lot of places in our life, I think a lot of us minimize how often we will have to negotiate. I mean, if it’s not negotiating with our kids to have a couple more bites of food, it’s negotiating for a raise at a job. It’s negotiating to get better parking, or extra sprinkles on our ice cream or a better gym membership. I mean, negotiation is so critically important, it is so necessary, and it comes up all the time. And frankly, friend, if you can get good at negotiating, you can get anything you want. And I know that for me, it was a skill that I had to develop pretty early on. Because like I mentioned before, I grew up without anything, you know, I never had a hand up, I didn’t have, you know, parents giving me money. Frankly, my parents just really were learning a lot about how things worked in America themselves, because they were immigrants. And they, you know, came to this country with this great work ethic but frankly, they didn’t understand, you know, all the processes.

So if I didn’t learn how to ask properly and kindly, and then also recognize how to still express my own needs, you know, for my goals, I just wouldn’t get ahead. So what I want to share with you today, friend, are some negotiation tips. And these strategies really work. I mean, they’ve gotten me everything from a kid that happily goes to bed at 7:30 every night without giving me a hard time, which I think we all need that you know, to you know, helping me close multi-million dollar deals for my clients back when I was in corporate. So it breaks down to three simple things. And I’m super excited because I know no matter what mamas, you’re going to love this.

Now, the first one is understanding the opposing party. In simple speak, know who you’re up against. If you know everything about that person, you’re going to be in a much better position to speak to what they actually want and give them what they actually need. So if you’re talking about your kiddos, know what their motivations are. Mama’s you know, are they obsessed with, their Nintendo Switch? Can they not stand having a moment away from tick tock? Are they really really angling to be able to go on that spring break trip? Listen you know, their motivations, are they completely obsessed with dessert and they’ll do anything to get it? Well, that’s gonna be your bargaining chip, that broccoli is gonna look a lot better if they know that right behind it is a scoop of ice cream.

So really start learning, your client will start knowing the person that you’re going to be up against. And I want to make this just a smidgen serious because this is also true as we’re living in a world right now, where there’s a lot of contentious topics that are afoot. Whether it is gun control, or abortion, or, you know, just political ideals. It feels like all the time, we’re always up against someone who might think or believe or feel differently than us. And we’re feeling scared or concerned about our rights, our values, our autonomy, all these different things being up for conversation.

So if you feel like you’re constantly in a place of negotiation, you’re not the only one, because we’re even doing it in the comments of Facebook. So, understand that if you do a lot of listening, all the time. And if you’re able to do that with grace, which is asking questions, saying things like, tell me more about that, and taking the information that you’re learning and putting it in your back pocket to leverage for later, you’re gonna find that you’re gonna be in a much better position when it comes time to change someone’s mind, or get them to buy in on your side, your ideals, or your tasks that you need to have so you can accomplish your goals.

So any great negotiation or bargaining moment actually begins with you keeping your mouth shut, and your ears open. Constantly pay attention to what it is that people want, what motivates them, and what keeps them going and their end goal, because that’s going to be the first piece to winning anyone over.

The second thing that I’ve learned in negotiation is after you understand what you’re up against, you better understand yourself. I call it knowing your high-low. So for me, what that looks like is I need to know what is the most that I’m willing to give up and what is the least that I think I can get away with. My high and my low. So as a mama, if you know that the most that you’re willing to give up is, look, I really don’t care if they only eat just one bite of broccoli. That’s great. And then what’s the least that you’re willing to give up? Well, they’re gonna need to eat that broccoli, right? So I’m gonna aim to see if I can get them to also eat the salad and also eat the brussels sprouts, three bytes of meatloaf and the broccoli. But frankly, I’m only going to fight them as long as they can have a bite of broccoli. It’s understanding what is it that I can afford to give up and what is it that is the least I can give up.

So even in a business situation, if I’m sitting down with a client, and I know, look, I can probably go up to 5 million without any issues and still buy out this business but I also know that they probably go for as little as 1.5. And I recognize that if I’m at 3 million that will still hit my goals, while I’m gonna negotiate between 1.5 and 3 million, knowing that I have a little bit of room to edge up towards that 5 million because that’s the highest I’m willing to go. So it’s really important as you’re trying to figure out these numbers to spend some time, after you’ve been listening to their motivations, really looking at what you have to offer. Saying to yourself, Okay, am I able to do this? Can I give in this area? And sometimes it’s not just about money or that balance? Are there other things you can offer? Is it consultation? Is it your time? Is it products? What other things can you offer or bring to the table that might appeal to that other party as well?

So growing up with my little one, I never focused on giving her sugar as a reward system. That was simply because I wanted to keep that in my back pocket because sugar really works. Ya’ll mommas you know it, if you withhold the sugar, you know that if you really need don’t just be quiet, throw a Swedish fish at them and they will leave you alone. Listen, this is real life. Okay, I have been in situations where I’ve had to get on a call and I’ve thrown my kid a pack of fruit snacks, and that bought me the time I needed to close the deal. Hello, we get it, right? But part of earning that privilege was absolutely saying, hey, you know, if you’re able to be quiet for 15 minutes, then we’re going to have an extra five minutes of time on the swings. If you’re able to finish this broccoli for me we can have an extra five minutes of Bubble Guppies on TV. If you are willing to get into the bath right now without arguing with me then what I’ll do is I’ll let you have an extra five minutes tacked on to your bedtime.

Whenever I’m able to use negotiation strategies that aren’t necessarily my highest riches offering which is like usually sugar with my little ones. It really has helped with allowing me to save the real goods for when I really need them but also to get the leverage that I need in order to get the change that I want. So understand their motivations, but also understand what you have to bring to the table. Too often I meet with clients who think that they’re stuck with negotiation, because they’ve underestimated what they bring to the table, because they’re only thinking in terms of money, or the only thinking in terms of skills. When really any great negotiation will offer up a mixture of both.

And lastly, this is the biggest one, it’s about actually presenting that offer to the person, getting in front of them and putting it on their table. You got to know that you’re going to catch more flies with honey. When I tell you, there are so many pictures on the internet in social media, where being a boss means being a jerk, where affirming your boundaries means being a bully, I want to let you know that none of that is true, you absolutely catch more flies with honey, I know that when I approach a situation where I need something done, or I’m looking for a better opportunity, I recognize that people want to help someone that is kind, they want to serve someone who is generous. I’m aware that if you show up with grace, you’re likely to get it back.

So if you’re going into a situation full steam ahead total pit bull, well, you might just get some resistance to your attitude to begin with. And then you’re not going to get anyone who’s even ready to listen to what it is that you have to offer. So that’s the first thing you need to look at. If you want to get what you want, you’re going to need to give a little bit first of what you want to get. And that starts with kindness. So when it comes to talking to your kids, you better believe that staying calm in the negotiation and not matching their energy, if you’re sensing resistance is huge. If they’re giving you know, I don’t want to this is no good. You better believe I match that with well I can understand that. I see how you feel. Let’s see if we can figure out a better way. Instead of letting myself get agitated and saying no, you have to do it, because then they can sense that there’s some effectiveness. And they’re already realizing we’re in a battle rather than a conversation. I just don’t match their energy.

And the same thing happens in the boardroom. If I’m finding that in a contract discussion, they’re really pushing hard saying absolutely not, we will not sell it that amount, that number is not going to work, this isn’t it, then I instantly lower my tone. And I say, you know, I can hear that I understand. I see what your concerns are here. Can you tell me a little bit more about what it is you’re looking for and what sounds about right? Now I say that listening to what they’re saying, I try to understand their motivations better, but you better believe in the back of my head, I still know what it is that I want. And I know how to get them back to that point. But I do need them to step back and come down a little bit. It also allows me to give them just a teeny teeny bit to bring down the energy so they’re not so elevated, and we’re able to get back to the negotiations as appropriate. Don’t match their energy and recognize you catch more flies with honey.

Friends, listen, whether you’re talking to your spouse to worm your way into an extra vacation, or you’re talking to your kid to get them to eat a couple more vegetables or calm down or give up the cell phone, or you’re at the business table saying hey, I really want to get this sale or this contract or this vendor onboard, you’re gonna have to tighten up your negotiation skills. Because in this world, we’re all working towards our own goals, our own motivations, the things that we want. And other people’s motivations won’t always match your own. But we can’t get away from the fact that we need each other to accomplish things. Which means that we’re going to have to work with others to get them on our side to help us to move forward.

I know that I couldn’t have gotten where I am without the support and help of the people around me. But that means not only doing what I say I will do what I signed that contract, but making sure that I’m good and clear about what I’m going to need in exchange in order to make that thing happen. So friend, think about this, all day in every day, in every situation that you’re going into going forward this week, I challenge you to use these three tips: understanding them, understanding yourself, and delivering it all with grace to see if you can get just a little bit more so that you can give even more to the world. Go get em slugger <laughs>.

 

In this episode, we chat about:

• How to switch industries or even careers with confidence,
• A lesson we can all learn from musicians and other professionals: Stay Ready!
• How to identify your soft skills and your hard skills, plus
• My top 3 negotiation tips so you can get what you want at home and at work

 

Resources and links mentioned in this episode:

• Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram
• Record a voice message for me here
• Watch some of the Verzuz videos HERE
• Don’t miss our last episode where I handed my mic over to 10 of our internet besties!
• I love reading your reviews of the show! You can share your thoughts on Apple here!

 

More about The Nicole Walters Podcast:

If you’re looking for the strategies and encouragement to pursue a life of purpose, this is the podcast for you! Week after week Nicole Walters will have you laughing hysterically while frantically taking notes as she shares her own personal stories and answers your DMs about life, business, and everything in between.

As a self-made multimillionaire and founder of the digital education firm, Inherit Learning Company, Nicole Walters is the “tell-it-like-it-is” best friend that you can’t wait to hang out with next.

When Nicole shows up, she shows OUT, so tune in each week for a laugh, a best friend chat, plus the strategies and encouragement you need to confidently live a life of purpose.

Follow Nicole on IG @NicoleWalters and visit inheritlearningcompany.com today and click the button to join our betterment community. Your membership gives you access to a world of people and tools focused on helping you build the life you want.