Nicole:

Hey, friend. So we have had some really deep dive tough talks, and I love it. And I want to talk about what I’m going to air my own business on this one. And I’m going to let you know that this chat is all about Fighting Fair. So what does that mean? It means that whether you are negotiating at work, or you are arguing with a partner, or you’re getting it in with your kids, because they are just being impossible, you gotta know how to fight, you got to know how to fight fair. And I say this, because I’m a strong fighter, y’all. If you didn’t know this, and so many of y’all are like, Oh, Nicole, you’re so sweet. You’re so friendly. You’re so this, you’re so that, you know, and it’s true. I’m nice, you know, I am nice, but I’m also not nice. What I mean is I’m firm, I know what I want. I know how, what I believe, my value systems. I work hard. And, boy, I tell you, if you’re gonna come with it, you just better have your data, your facts and everything in alignment, you better know what you’re trying to say and be clear on your stuff. Because if not, you know, you’re not gonna win with me.

And my kids know that my partners know that. And everyone knows where I’m a softy, it’s the babies. But you better believe that when it comes down to it, I have no problem, you know, whether it’s coming from my sales background in business, or my hard working, you know, do it yourself Mama,attitude, or, you know, my cultural background as an African and a Christian and someone who just really has a strong value system around like work ethic and kindness and grace, you know. I’m a sharpshooter and a straight shooter. And all of that means that, you know, I get what I want, and I get what I want a lot. But it’s not fun to get what you want, if everyone in the room doesn’t feel good about it.

And that’s what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about one of the things that I have learned in this land of free-ness, you know, post divorce, in a new partnership with older children, you know, doing new things as my business grows in different ways. I have just had to learn so much about fighting fair. And this all came up because I have arguments in my current partnership. Now, I think that that’s something that a lot of people don’t expect, you know, they’re like, oh, my gosh, especially if you follow me on social at Nicole Walters. Everywhere, you know, you may see how absolutely giddy, happy, delightful, smileypants, joyful I am. I have never shared a relationship like this ever before. I’ve also never, I think looked like this in a relationship. I am absolutely over the moon in love. And we are over a year into this and I am just still just smitten by my fella, you know, but I want you to know the other side of it all. It is imperfect. And maybe even you know, I’ll talk about things today but maybe we’ll even have the MR fella back to share a little bit because he keeps it all the way real. So I may or may not. We do have editing though.

So in any case, he is a sharp, straight shooter as well, you know, he’s direct, he is clear, you know, and you better believe that in our relationship we both wear the pants and we each have one leg in each, you know, it’s like that I would definitely say I do not feel like and it’s crazy, because I think that oh, and I’ll even start here to let you guys know if we’re gonna keep it all the way real. I think a lot of people have always assumed that. What is it like to be with someone like Nicole Walters? Well, it’s clear. Like I just finished saying I have a strong personality. I am a talker. Especially when it comes to being on camera and things I’m just so comfortable that I have no problem filling the room. I am a lot. I’ll be the first one to say it. I know it. I know that for some people they’re just like, Oh, you’re so much. I’m okay. What’s the saying? If if I’m a lot go find less. You know, like I’m okay with that because people who love me love my a lot, right? So I’m okay with it. But I know I’m a lot.

And one of the things that’s interesting is in my relationships, though, and people don’t ever realize this, but I’m really very clear about my direction and my vision and my morals, like what I would like to accomplish, what I want my family to do, but I am so willing and submissive when it comes to picking up the workload. And I say this because I’ve learned this from my friends, during this divorce process, during even my marriage, I would hear it constantly from my family, from my friends, like Nicole like do less. Nicole it’s okay to not. Nicole like you know you give in too easy you’re you know you’re you’re okay to stand up for what you know is right you know, and And I can tell you that some of that is just kind of my personality, I will like, some of the traditional myths, if you will, of the classic relationship, you know, this is not me saying I’m anti-feminist, this doesn’t mean me saying I’m pro patriarchy, I’m not to pick me, I gotta say all those things, because I feel like now, people come for you and cancel you, you know, if you say anything that can be interpreted any type of way.

But what I’m trying to let you know is that I really like the classic, cheesy, traditional relationship, call me a nerd, I love when my guy opens the doors for me, and I like, you know, having a partner that I trust, to defer to and, you know, without misinterpreting the Bible, or trying to use, you know, biblical things to support patriarchal ideas that are harmful to women, you know, I do understand the submissive request of the Bible in a relationship, you know, in a marital partnership, or in a relationship. What I’ve learned, though, was, I used to believe that that meant that you differed to your male partner, you know, or your male partner in the relationship, if you’re in a traditional heterosexual relationship by saying, hey, you know, you make the decisions, I support you, you’re the head of the household, you decide all of that. And that was very much, you know, how I did my relationship before, and a lot of people wouldn’t know or think that, the way I did it was, you know, I’ll go fetch all the different ideas and things of that sort, lay it out, you pick, and then we go for it. Or I’ll come up with a concept, you know, and if you tell me, that’s okay, then I’ll go build it, or I’ll go do it, you know, and what I learned very quickly, was that I still believe.

So coming out of divorce unexpectedly, you know, I definitely thought I’d be like, oh, never again, it’s gonna be all me all the time, I’m going to manage my own stuff, no more relationships. I will never ever allow myself to let a man’s needs, whims, emotions, whatever dictate how I make decisions, you know, I’m not going to ever seek permission, you know, within a relationship again, you know, I’m just going to do whatever I need to do to make sure everything’s okay.

But what I learned was that I actually am a better person in partnership. It helps me with, you know, keeping grace at the forefront, and not overworking myself and being kinder to myself. And it helps me to have someone who, when when I’m in a relationship that’s healthy, sees the best version of me, and gives me the benefit of the doubt because that helps keep me in the place that I need to be in, in order to show up in the world in the best way and to take care of myself. And in those types of healthy relationships, submission can happen, but the way that it happens is in a way where you are looking at equality in that partnership, you know. I’m okay, stepping back many times over, you know, which honestly always ends up being like 50/50, because if you’re in a relationship, it goes both ways. But I’m okay, stepping back and just be like, Okay, it’s your thing, because I trust that this person is not just going to make decisions that are beneficial for them, but also beneficial for me and also beneficial for our kids and also beneficial for our future, that they’re always considering all the factors and not just themselves.

And that is sort of the lesson that I had to take, which ties into fighting fair is that, you know, it’s okay for me to lose, you know, a fight, it’s okay for me to lose a disagreement. It’s okay for me to not, you know, come out on top all the time, if the person that I know is in it with me forever and does the work and shows up and cares about the outcome because that means you never really lose it means that you just found a happy medium of compromise. And it’s exciting because that’s what I’m in right now.

And so one of the things that I learned in our disagreements because we have them still so you know, in a simple sense, one of the things that we had disagreement about, I hope he’s okay with me sharing this and probably should ask first but I’m sure he’s okay with it, is that in our partnership, you know, I obviously have my 11 year old daughter, my kids come first. Anyone who knows me personally, if you haven’t picked it up online, to be completely honest, I am a fierce mother. I am a forcefield of love, care and attention around my babies. I’m interested in everything they do, what they eat, what the texture of their poop is, how they’re feeling, how they’re sleeping, what they need, I care about every single aspect of my babies from their nose to their toes.

So because of that any partner that I ever had would have had to be okay with them first. Like without question there’s just no no question right? Like I’m perfectly content you know, before I even met my partners with it just being me my babies. So my partner that I’m with now, the Misterfella, he had to learn, you know, what that meant for me as a mom, you know, and how it happened in practice, because he’d heard it. And he’d seen how I put their interests first, especially during this divorce process and how I, you know, built a space for them to make sure that they were transitioning and comfort and how I always have prioritize my children. And you know, and he saw all of that. And it’s worth noting, and we’ve mentioned in previous episodes that he’s been on that, you know, for those of you who are out there saying, Man, I have kids, and you know, what, how will I find a guy who’s interested in that, you know, he loved it, he was like, this is the guy who has to look up pictures of his food before he orders. So he’s very visual. And for him, he was like, Oh, my gosh, I love seeing you as a mother. Because when I see how you mother I want that for my children, you know, and so, you know, it’s, he knew who I was, and he loved that.

But it also meant that he had to learn that understand that all that fire can come towards you too, if you’re not on your A game. So when I tell you he is stellar, I like I’m trying not to tear up because it moments it hits me like, Oh, thank you, Jesus, thank you God, like, that’s how I feel like, Oh, thank you God, like, it’s like many praise moments, you know, when I think of how good of a man he is, and how blessed I am, like, not just for my existing babies, but future babies, like the idea that I could have him as a father and a partner and raising a child is such a gift. It is such a gift.

He is so incredibly good and caring, and loving and smart. And, and good with discipline and high energy and invested and interested and patient and balanced and nurtured. And you know, to his credit, he had a great childhood, his parents are beyond wonderful. Like when I tell you, I met his parents, and I was just floored at the goodness of these people. His mother is so generous, you know, and truly is just like all in on her family. His father is just this like, positive, optimistic, sunny man, you know, who just finds joy in everything. And just, he comes from good stock, I didn’t even know they made him like this anymore. And that said, he’s showing up 100%, too, because he knew that with me comes my baby. So he’s showing up so well. I mean, he’s helping you with drop offs and pickups and putting food on the table and just you know, all the things all in. But it also means that if you say you’re all in, you better not drop the ball on my babies, you know what I mean? Like you can, you can let me down, but you never gonna let my babies down. And you know, that type of energy. And we had a day where I was on set filming a TV show. And so I’ve had a couple of different TV projects while I’m out here. I live in LA because I work in LA, my studios here. You know, I get TV show projects, I’m on panels and speaking engagements, like I do all that stuff out here. So you know, my agents, everyone’s out here.

So I was working on a TV show project for a major cable network. And so I’m on set 15 hours a day. And so, in working on this show, I had a regular touch base with my little one, my 11 year old, where I was like, Hey, I’m gonna call you at this time, just to touch base and make sure okay, but I knew I wasn’t gonna make the touch base, because I was going to be on set. And that was just unusual. But during the early stages of the transition, you know, I was always so worried about her anxiety level around it, making sure she felt secured and loved and had attention. And just making sure that she was getting that from a parent, you know, that was truly invested in her, you know, and she felt that she had that rooting, that healthy attachment. So when I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do it, you know, I shared that, you know, with the Misterfella, I was like, Yeah, you know, I don’t know what I’m gonna do, I’m going to be on set.

And if you listened to last week’s episode about asking for help, it was my way of asking for help without asking for help, and I’m getting better about it, you know, but I was sharing that I had this problem. And so he jumps in, and of course, because He’s, um, he’s like, Oh, I got it. I’ll do the touch base call. I’ll make sure she’s good. You don’t have to worry about it. You know, and they already have a relationship that’s just so beautiful. And so I wasn’t worried about it. I was like, oh, you know, I love it. Thank you so much. Just, you know, make sure you do it because it’s really important. And he’s like, okay, no problem. I got it, right. Not a problem.

Y’all know what happened. Y’all know right now you know exactly what happened. I think it was like 4:30 rolled around in the afternoon and the call did not happen. And so I get off set and I see on my phone, you know, multiple text messages like Hey, Mom, you know, just checking in you know, didn’t get my touch base call, make sure everything’s okay, you know, and I am hot. Right? Hot. And I know some of you right now are like, what’s the big deal? He’s trying, what? You know, everyone has different feels on stuff. I’m gonna tell you right now one of the things that there are two areas of my life that people can come for all they want. And I just it rolls off my shoulders. I literally don’t care, right one is my business consulting. I’m an excellent business consultant, I’m very good at what I do. I’m qualified and tried and true. I’m very, very good at my business consulting. And so that’s something I know I do well, and it just is what it is.

The other thing is my babies. There is no one on this planet that could ever tell me I don’t love my babies. Well, I’m not saying I’m perfect, be clear on that. I make mistakes. And I hear and listen to feedback for that. But no one will ever tell me that I don’t have their best intentions in mind or that I need to protect them differently or whatever. Like, just they can’t even come for me. So for that reason, yeah, I was upset. I was upset because this was an expectation that was set. It was a responsibility that I delegated in relation to my most cherished possession in the world. Right? You know, my most cherished thing that I have in my existence up under me are my little littles, you know?

And what mattered to me more was that he knew not so much that the call was dropped. And I think all the mamas here are gonna know and feel this. It wasn’t so much that the call was dropped. It was that I needed to know that he understood that my babies were a priority. That under no circumstances would there be any relationship where my babies come second, ever. Current babies, future babies, ever. And the I wanted to make sure that there wasn’t any energy of being cavalier around my babies, I needed to know for a fact that there was complete and total understanding that we are not going to be casual around my baby’s needs ever.

And bless his heart, y’all. When I tell you, when I tell you first go of it. He’s allowed a mistake. But I wanted to make sure you understood, you know, you get one. And so I bless his heart. Oh my god, I just look back and I’m like, Oh, my God, it was so hard on him. But you know, I went in on him. I was like, Listen, I need you to understand that this is not acceptable. And it’s not okay. And bless his heart. He came back and he was like, I don’t understand. It’s a phone call. Like, I know, I messed up. That was wrong. I understand. But why are you so mad? Oui, mamas. I know, all you right now. Like, hold on, hold on. Again. It was early, not too early, like we’ve been together for the better part of a year. But he was just new in the kids lives because I didn’t introduce them to the kids until after six months.

But he was just like, oh, and he could see my face. The minute he said that, that he said the wrong thing. And immediately, I mean, I’m telling you within minutes, it dawned on him, it clicked. He was like, Oh, my gosh, I messed up. I understand it will never happen again. I am so sorry. This was the thing that I did. This is how I shouldn’t have done it. Here’s how I’ll correct it in the future. I understand what you’re saying. You’re heard you’re understood. I’m sorry. You know, how can I make this right? And here’s where I went wrong. Because I can, you know, say this all day, because I’ve learned so much since my previous relationships to was I said to him, my demeanor was, Oh, you don’t need to worry about another chance because I don’t need to worry about, I was in that mood, you are not going to get another chance to to mess this up. Because you don’t need to worry about calls, I will do the calls like I instantly, you know, this is part of my demeanor, you know, that I’ve had to work on you know, is if somebody messes up, I’m like, I’m taking it all back. You don’t need any response. I don’t trust you anymore. You know, and when it comes to my kids, especially my kids, my money, my best, that’s how I am. And so he was like, no, like, Please give me another shot. And, again, growth. I let him have another shot. He nailed it. And he’s nailed it ever since that, right? Like, it’s never been an issue. He’s on it with my kids, and especially the little one and I’m just so so blessed.

Now, I say this because people are flawed, they’re going to make mistakes, like we know what’s going to happen, your relationship will have issues, it will have issues. And I you know, read that, you know, in a study that if you have a relationship where you aren’t fighting, and you aren’t having disagreements, and I’m not talking about obviously physical fighting, emotional abuse, you know, narcissistic behavior, any type of aggression. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about disagreements like, I don’t like that you didn’t do the dishes or I’m upset about you know, this thing with the baby or I would like to do this with our funds but this isn’t happening, if you’re not having a relationship where you are disagreeing on things and that is coming to a verbal awareness. There are bigger issues in your relationship. Hear me on that. A good relationship has fights. Because if you are fighting it means you’re talking about the issues.

When I tell you so many people think they have happy relationships, and it’s just because they’re not saying anything. I’ve heard so many stories and people in the DMs of women who are like I just don’t say anything. I just keep it all to myself, but I’m fuming, I’m bottled up, I have resentment. I, I have so much anger, you know, I have so much frustration. I know that feeling. You know, I spent my early years of my relationship trying to talk about the issue saying this is a problem. And does this make sense? And I didn’t understand, I was 22. I didn’t understand that, so much of that was signs that things weren’t making sense. They weren’t gonna change later, right. But I really thought that oh, yeah, you know, like I’m saying all these things when I see change, but then down the line, I’m saying a lot less, and I’m just doing the work myself. And instead that breeds resentment, right? So I want you to know that it’s important that you’re speaking up on things that you disagree with, and it’s important that you’re speaking up on things that upset you. And it’s important that you’re speaking up, you know, on things that you know are issues and points of dissatisfaction and improvement that you need within a relationship. One, because you deserve it. I mean, what on earth, you’re going to be connected to someone for a lifetime and, and just settle and deal with things that you know, make you uncomfortable or against your morals or affect your family or your kids? Get out of here. That’s not okay. You know, and I can say that proudly now, like I felt it in my body, because I’m saying it to you and I’m saying it to me, it’s not okay, you deserve more. But I’m also saying that it is important that you have a safe space to do it. And I think that that is twofold. One, it’s about constantly cultivating in the relationship, a safe place, way, system, process, in order to to discuss these things. Now, that part is going to differ for everyone, right, and part of why it’s gonna be different also is mental health issues. If you’re with a partner who is mentally stable and had a great childhood and is healthy and well developed, fortunately, when you have disagreements, the disagreement can stay in the center of the room and accountability, responsibility, blaming is not really an issue, you’re able to be able to say, hey, we’re talking about the issue, we’re focused on the problem at hand, we own that this isn’t our problem, even if you’re bringing it up. And I own responsibility and how we’re going to fix it because I want a happy relationship. And that is honestly, it takes therapy to get there. You know, if somebody doesn’t have it, sometimes it takes therapy to stay there, because life will throw you bumps and bruises. But that is such a core part of a relationship is being able to say, what is my role in, in helping fix and solve this problem. And let me own the fact that, you know, I am responsible for my own life, you know, and this relationship is part of my life. And I’m going to have to do things to maintain it, you know, and that might include having this difficult conversation and taking away things that I’m going to act on, in order to have a better life, you know?

If you feel like you have a great partner and you want to sustain it, or you have a great life, and you want to sustain it, you’re gonna have to do stuff to keep it you know, like, that’s just how life is, you can’t have nice things and not do work. And, and that is a huge part of how I fight with the Misterfella. One of the things that we do is we have a, you know, the issues on the table, you know, it’s not me, and it’s not you, it’s on the table. So we’re looking at it, we’re describing it, we’re talking about it, we’re explaining how it might make us feel or what we see it doing. But we do not talk about it in the context of you are this or you have done this or you are this person, because that’s such an overarching statement. And it doesn’t honor the fact that there is love there. And it doesn’t give the benefit of the doubt that is so necessary in a relationship. You know, for me, in particular, what that looks like is I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m well loved, and that my partner is committed and that everything he’s doing is in our interest and the interest of my girls.

So that means that if there’s something that occurs in the relationship that is negative or hurtful or challenging or hard, that it may just be a thing, and not necessarily something that is happening to me or done deliberately or personal. And I don’t need to take it personally. I don’t need to get dejected about it like oh, this will never get fixed or everything is awful, or the world is terrible. Or this is a symptom of my partner being a horrible person towards me. It’s just not that. It usually is we need to figure this out because it’s probably a misunderstanding. And if nothing else, the figuring it out portion of it will tell me a lot more about whether or not this is a real problem. And the other advantage I have there is, if something is a real problem, and I do need to figure it out, I’m also able to, because of my own therapy, and my own self love my own worth, say, look, it’s not my job to fix my partner either.

So if they’re showing me like, no, like, this is my value system, I don’t care about your kids. And this, I will never do school pickup, or I’ll never clean the house, or I’ll never do whatever, it’s not my job to sit here and spend years and years and years trying to help that person understand the value behind doing those things for themselves even, no. It’s my job to say, Okay, if that’s who you are, and your firm behind that, then I deserve to find someone who will, you know, think align that or I’m allowed to have that for myself, because I am enough for myself too you know? And so it makes it a lot safer to be able to talk about those issues, because you feel that sense of personal security, around, not needing to be completed in your other partner and your partner is also hold within themselves.

So with us for fighting fair, it’s keeping the issue in the center of the room. The other thing we do, and this is, you know, kind of cheesy, but also based in science. You know, touching is something that we do a lot. So if it starts getting too hot, which is the phrasing that I always use, like it’s too hot right now, meaning we are getting kind of angry, voices are a little elevated. I’m not a big like screamer yeller in or like I’m not heightened anger, my kids always talk about how I use like my firm mom voice, you know, but I’m not like a big like, oh, like, I don’t do that, I don’t throw things like that’s just not my nature. And so you know, and my partner isn’t either actually, but like, when we both start, I can feel the escalation and energy. Sometimes I will literally just stop talking, walk over and like, hold him. And I’ll say, phrases like, you know, we can keep being angry, we can keep talking this through. You know, I’m not saying that you’re wrong. And I’m not saying that I’m right. You know, and I want to keep figuring this out, but it’s too hot right now. It’s too hot right now, we need to bring it down. So that we can get this figured out because I know we’ll figure it out. And, and sometimes I’ll just say like, we’re not breaking up, we’re not breaking up. This is not it’s not going to be over. This isn’t what this is, we’re just figuring this out. And when I tell you the saying of these phrases, and he’ll say them to me, too.

So, you know, if he’s like, season, I’m really upset about something, you know, he’ll say phrases like, you know, I trust you, and I love you. And I know that I’m probably misunderstanding something, and we’re gonna figure this out, you know, so let’s just keep talking. And when I tell you these phrases that are sort of independent of the disagreement, but are just reminders, sort of in the context of a hot moment of how much love is still there, and how this hot moment is not changing that sometimes will even say, you know, I love you, I love you so much. You know, like, and not in a sarcastic way, like I love you, you know, like, let’s keep talking, and it’s important to say those things because it almost diffuses things, but it also shifts our brain kind of you know, from that place of, like, I have to defend where I am to, it’s us, we’re figuring it out, this is figureoutable, like we can do this. And it’s been so, so helpful, um, you know, physical touch being a really big one.

And, again, you know, I’m not diminishing the privilege that I have of a safe partnership. It’s not lost on me. I’ve been in partnerships before that were physically violent. I’ve been in partnerships before that were emotionally abusive. I’ve been in partnerships before that, you know, especially when I was very young, that were extremely lopsided in terms of, you know, age or, you know, all these different things, I talk about a lot of that and how that has led to some of my partner choices in my book that’s coming out this year in 2023, in fall of 2023. So, you know, it’s not lost on me that not all of us are in positions where we can do that safely. Especially if mental health is present. You know, I’ve been there.

But I also want you to know is that what I describe here and I’m trying not to be too emotional about it, because I know, this is hard and sensitive for some. But it’s this part I want you to hear especially if you’re in your 20s or early 30s. And you are new to this thing and trying to figure it out or a year in or three years in. I want you to know that it is actually possible to have a normal, healthy relationship, where disagreements don’t end in fighting, throwing, physical stuff, where the partner doesn’t talk badly about you or hang up on you where they don’t block you all over social or make fun of you in front of your friends or your family, where they don’t leave you hanging or, you know, strand on the side of a street.

And I see a lot of stuff on social media or on like some of these reality shows where it’s, it’s not what we kind of constantly label as, like obvious violence, you know of that physical sort. But I want you to know that, like, it is possible to have disagreement and still feel loved. And not only is it possible, I want you to know that that is like normal, it is healthy, it is common, and you deserve it. And it took me a while to learn that, and I hope that for some of you listening, you know, in this chat that we’re having, if you’re ever wondering if that’s real, that you’re hearing my voice, you know, as as your good friend, who you really can trust that I’m telling you like, it is really normal, and healthy, to be able to still feel and have and be loved, even when it’s hard or bad, or challenging or difficult.

And I’m not just saying that from my perspective, I’m not just on some, well, of course, because you’re this or you have this or this this, no, I have friends who have gone through miscarriages, and, you know, cancer and really traumatic things in their own lives, like y’all, I’m going through a divorce, you know, and I have a partner that came into my life, you know, on the tail end of this thing and was still here and present with all of that hardship and was kind. And I want to let you know that like that is normal and to be expected across the board. And if you are holding up your relationship and not seeing that, there is something to explore, you are not crazy and if it’s been years and years and years of that there is something to explore, and you’re not crazy. And even if you’ve acclimated to it as your norm, just because it’s normalized, does not mean that it is normal. And I don’t want you to normalize in your life or for your littles that are watching or for the challenges that life is going to be, I don’t want you to normalize fighting unfairly, or in an aggressive way, as what a relationship is, because it’s not. And if you’re on the other side of it, where you feel like you’re the aggressor, I want you to also recognize that you can be in places that make you into someone that you don’t want to be. And at any point in time, you can choose to make it different. You can get into an environment, you know how some people are like on vacation me, when I’m on vacation, I’m just lighter and brighter and happier. I want you to know that living as the best version of yourself also can do with your environment, your circumstances and people that you have around you.

So I’m going through one of the hardest times of my life, you know this post divorce, life, rebuild, restructure what does it look like figuring oneself out you know, and yet this is one of the best times of my life. My life has been truly filtered down to only the best of the best, the people that you see in my life every day are all good and stable people. The people that you don’t see in my life every day are people that I have intentionally chosen to not for my life and there’s a reason for that. And it’s because I am fiercely protecting and shaping and having my peace and it’s the most valuable thing to me because it’s tied to my health and I deserve to live well and live long and so do you.

Nicole:

Hey friend, I wanted to catch up on all the things. Now I love the fact that over on Instagram at Nicole Walters, you are constantly in my DMs, whether it is sending me first day of school pics of my internet nephews and nieces, or your life updates or on graduation you name it. I love hearing from you. So always slide into my DMs. I’m always here for it. But I also want to give you a life update because that’s part of what we do here.

So I know that we’ve had chats here with my littles, if you head back to the top of the season, you know, I’ve had each of my kiddos on here. We’ve had chats with Alex, my Misterfella. I mean, we’ve covered a lot of ground and a lot of changes and transitions. But I mean, I don’t know what it is about my life, it is constantly on the go. So here’s the latest and the greatest in the life updates if you’ve sort of been falling around, but feel like you’re missing things through the loop now. I am in California now. I am in Los Angeles almost full time. I still have property back in Atlanta. And you know, the MidTiny is in college over there. She is going into her senior year, y’all. If you have been following along with our TV show on USANetwork or you have kept up with us on social media, you know that I have an adoptive mom of three amazing girls and I adopted them at ages 3, 11 and 14. And now I am a mom to an 11 year old, a 20 year old and a 23 year old, which is bananas. I’m not even 40 yet. I can’t even believe I’ve done two proms and two graduations, you know potty training, kindergarten, book reading, all this stuff in about eight years, like life is bananas. But these kids are growing up and you guys have been there all along the way. And it is just such a blessing to have you as internet aunties, but the kids are growing up and so MidTiny is now in college. She’s going into her senior year, and she had her first accounting internship, y’all.

Y’all bless these children? She was like, what is this scam that is adulthood. I mean, first of all, it was a paid internship. So y’all know, back in our day, I mean, you were lucky enough to get an internship that fed you, you were lucky enough that they spoke to you. I mean, odds are you’re gonna be running halfway across town for like no money. And you had to cover everything on your own. And you still had to do school. But you know, now I mean, the kids don’t even know how cushy they got it. These internships are paid. They’re paid at like $20 an hour, they get to do real work, be in the office, they take them out to lunch. I mean, they got a good thing going. But I know that first real world job is always a shock and mid 20s kind of dealing with that. She has been healthy. And for those you guys don’t know, she is a stage four cancer survivor. There’s been no recurrence, she’s been healthy and clear ever since her last round of chemo. And, and we’re just we thank God for that. And we know that there won’t be any recurrence whatsoever for her entire life. And we’re just so grateful for that.

She has a boyfriend. And I am adjusting to that as a mother. He’s a great guy. I give her a hard time about him. I give him a hard time about him. But honestly, he treats her so well. And I’m thankful for that. I think that watching my older girls finally come of age to have these relationships that aren’t just like, you know, your little play, play high school and your play, play middle school ones, really puts into perspective, the importance of my own relationship. And, and I’m just even more grateful, even though divorce wasn’t something that I anticipated, expected or wanted. Boy, am I thankful now that I’m in such a healthy and nurturing partnership, that I’m able to be that example, particularly for my little one because I really see how it impacts how my my girls choose their partners, what they expect from their partners, how seriously they take my advice, because believe it or not, you know, teens are inclined already to not listen to us. And if they’re seeing us not live, what we’re trying to tell them, you better believe that’s going to have an impact too.

So I’m just so grateful. She has a great boyfriend, and he’s good to her. And I’m just so thankful for that. She is really developing and coming into her own. She’s beautiful. She’s smart, she makes great choices. And you know, aunties, I’m so, so proud. But it has not been easy. Having a 20 year old who is in school and in the world, just on a mama level. I think a lot of us can relate to this. You know, there’s just general worry all the time. You know, we have great healthy communication and she, you know, keeps me up to speed with what she’s doing. And I’m thankful for that. We have a very open and honest relationship. If you guys have any questions about that, she’s on an earlier episode this season. I’ll put that in the show notes, where she talks about you know, how we foster our communication, why she’s so comfortable talking to me about everything from boyfriends to her body to her business to her school like everything. And we talk about that in detail.

She actually shares a lot of details about that in an episode again, check the show notes for that episode. But, you know, it still doesn’t make it any easier, I think on my Mom Brain, knowing she’s out there, but I’m so thankful for her strong decision making, it reminds me of something that my therapist told me many years ago when I’ll give you an update on my older one, because this relates to her. But many years when my older one was kind of struggling with some of that adult transition stuff, my therapist said to me, you have to remember when they go out into the world, that everything you put in them is still in there. So even if it seems like they’re being a little wild, or being a little crazy, or you wonder about their decision making in the quiet moments, and the hard moments, you know, as they mature, they tap into everything you put into them. And so I’ve really remembered this on two ends, one, everything positive I put into them is still in there, everything negative I put into them is still in there. So it’s just really important to be mindful of what you pour into your kids, because they will use it one way or another. So she’s doing great, and I’m so proud of her. And it’s nice, because you know, she’s now officially the kid who like comes home for the holidays, and you know, calls to check in and you know, follows me on social. It’s just such a different relationship. And it’s hard to believe that was like my little 11 year old baby, you know, I had her when my youngest, you know, at the same age, like it’s just bananas, but she’s doing great.

And my older one, my 23 year old, I haven’t really given much of an update on her whether it’s online or here, because she’s just been going through a tougher journey that I am going to talk about a little bit right now. I do detail it and talk about, you know, the starting point of that journey, the evolution of that journey more in my book, which is coming out this year in 2023. And I’m very excited to finally get that in your hands and on shelves, because it’s being published by Simon and Schuster with the Simon element brand. So you know, keep an eye out for that I’ll share my release date in the coming months. I’m very excited about it and working really hard. But I talk a lot about that relationship and kind of more around that journey from my perspective there. But you know, I am going to share a little bit about it now I’ve I’ve talked about it here on the podcast, I’ve talked about it a bit on Instagram, and just one or two lines, but the big tiny, you know, my eldest daughter, if you watch the show, you notice she wasn’t on that she wasn’t on that season, if you have kept up in social media, you know that she kind of dropped off online. And it’s just something that we haven’t really discussed much. And a huge part of that has been to protect her privacy, you know, the transition from age, I’d say 17, you know, into her 20s wasn’t very easy for her.Our eldest was one that we got her when she was a little bit older. So she was 14, and she’d seen a lot more, she’d been through a lot more. She’d had to fight and protect a lot more. And, you know, she came with a lot of challenges, traumas, and a ton of gifts, you know, that some, you know, were things she didn’t deserve, and have absolutely been given to her and somewhere, you know, choices that she made based on the tools she had and what she knew. But needless to say, you know, we ran into some challenges that she had to get out into the world and it was harder for her. That’s the best way I can describe it is just as a mom, we all can see the potential right?

As moms, as sisters, you know, even as business owners, we can often see the potential of what we know our kids are, we see the best version of them. But as individuals. And I think we all know this feeling, whether it’s through imposter syndrome, or just general insecurity, we all know what it feels like to not see the best version of ourselves. And that was something that my eldest really struggled with. She believed a lot of what she’d been told and not what she was. And that was reflected in her choices around her lifestyle, her choices and how she approached school, her choices in how she interacted with others. And that all kind of came to a head when she was 18. And she just decided to go off into the world on her own. I mean, she was in college and it wasn’t working out well for her. And we were talking about different alternatives and she just was ready to take on life and she wanted to do that off camera. She wanted to do that, you know, obviously I share a lot of my life here, you know, and it was something that you know, it was just pretty much uniformly decided that okay, you know, like, this is your season to just live you know, and I’m here mom never goes anywhere, you know, and I’m always in your corner.

But you know if this is what you want to do, then you know I’m just here and it’s hard to talk about it. And you know, it is a conversation and a story that deserves pages and not just podcast lines or a caption on Instagram. So I do detail it in my book more because there’s so much about it, so many stories that are tied to it. But ultimately, and unfortunately, based on her background, and where she comes from, you know, with addiction, that was something that kind of came up in her life again, as she had to cope with some of the challenges that adulthood brings. And very quickly, within, you know, the year or two after she went off on her own, she discovered, you know, substances, and those substances, you know, kind of spun out of control. And I think that this is something that a lot of, unfortunately, a lot of us can relate to. We all have someone in our life that I think has dealt with challenges around substance use. Sometimes it’s us, you know, and it’s been difficult to navigate. Watching her struggle with that, knowing that that’s what she came from and knowing that that is, especially as our mom, not her identity. That it is not who she is, and that she is capable of so much and just deserves so much. And that while you know, being an addict can be sort of a challenge and something that she has to overcome, it isn’t all that she is. And I’m happy to say that she is a year plus sober at this point, I’m coming up on trying to do the math in my head, I want to say almost a year and a half sober. And that’s really exciting.

It’s exciting and it’s amazing to see her come into her own, you know, she’s 23 now, so she is a proper adult. And when I tell you the stuff she’s doing now, when I look at her, I mean, I’ve always been in awe of her, I don’t know if she could ever see herself the way I see her, I hope she does, you know, I hope she believes me when I tell her she’s just amazing. I mean, she mesmerizes me, I admire her so and she inspires me. And that was before, during and after addiction. I mean, I saw her hitting every single thing every day, and just growing so much. And she is now a year and a half sober. And I talk about in the book, the moment when she sort of came back home, if you will, and what it looked like to do all that but what you guys may not know, and what I haven’t really talked about, you know, in the starting over journey, if you will, of you know, this past season on the podcast is that I had to check her into rehab during this divorce transition.

So, you know, I received a call one day and you know, all these things had happened and transpired in her world. And it was just very clear that, that day of that moment, I was going to fly her next to me and she would remain up under me, as a mom and we were going to treatment together. You know, I’m very similar to when my daughter was diagnosed, my middle one was stage four cancer, we were going to fight cancer together because I’m their mama, we’re gonna do it together. That’s what it is. And so, you know, we began that process again over a year and a half ago, and it was very successful. And, and I’m grateful she did all the hard work. You know, I just had to watch like a mama bear like always do but it was quite the journey. And I’m just happy to say in her little life update, you know, she is running a sober living facility now. She is still in California with me. And she’s running a sober living facility. She is helping other women of a variety of ages, I believe from 18, all the way up into their 60s that are in recovery right now, transition back into the world and get jobs and learn coping mechanisms and stay sober. And not only is she regularly going to her, you know, meetings, she also is a sponsor, which is you know, a big title, you know, within the recovery process.

That means that she has the ability skills and sobriety, standing to be able to sponsor someone who’s still working through their new journey and she’s doing a great job with that. And she’s everything that I always knew she would be and I never had any expectation or aspiration around how she would manifest in the world but I always knew she would be a person who gives back in a very big way and saves lives and that’s what she does every single day and it started with saving her own. And I’m so proud of her and so you know Mama’s if you’re out there, you know of course, I know you pray for all the babies, but just you know, throw a special one up for her because she really has had to find a different type of demon and she is winning every single day. So really proud of her and just excited to see what God holds for her in the future.

And then, of course, there’s my little one, my 11 year old, you know, the Puffin, if you’ve kept up online. The Puffin is 11 and she is smart, and rambunctious and clever and witty, and amazing and resilient. And her teacher describes her as a very serious child. And it’s funny because I’m a very silly mom. I’m playful. I’m always coming up with, you know, games and activities. And Alex’s the same way, my Misterfella. He’s very playful and sillier than me. And she is just a matter of fact, kid. I mean, I was joking with her the other day saying, Gosh, you know, your sisters are all out of the house. And I know your day is coming soon. I mean, how do you feel knowing that you’re gonna move out someday soon? She’s 11 now. And she says to me, Mom, why would I rush to move out? I don’t want to have to pay taxes.

I mean, like, whose kid is this? My kid, obviously. So, you know, it’s just been a blessing. I mean, she is generous, she’s kind. And she’s really developing a personality. And so it’s hard to believe she’s going into sixth grade. And I’m gonna have a middle schooler, and it’s just wild. So in this chat, you know, I gave you the update and all the kiddos and the fact that we’re in Los Angeles, but part of why I was giving you the update on the kiddos is because I wanted to share that I am looking to have more. And I know that is something that I Gosh, you want to talk about number one question that I always get in this internet space, you know, when everyone knew that I’d adopted three littles. You know, if you’ve kept up with the story, it’s actually the very first episode of the Nicole Walters Podcast ever and our top podcast episode ever. If you want to listen to it, just go back to the top, it is the story of how I became an adoptive mother in 30 days to three girls, and it’s not traditional. The story isn’t. I met them on the side of the road in Baltimore and in just a matter of weeks, I had them, you know, essentially full time I talked about it, so many more details in my book. But you know, that’s a pretty good primer, if you will, if you listened to Episode One.

But what’s interesting was, a lot of people have always assumed like, gosh, well, Nicole, did you not have kids? Because you couldn’t, you know, or did you not have kids because you were having fertility challenges? Because at the time that I became an adoptive mother, at least when I met the girls, I’d been married for seven years. And the truth is, and I’ll say it out loud now is, you know, I think part of it is I didn’t have kids because I knew that something in my marriage wasn’t in alignment. You know, it’s hard to say out loud. I don’t think I’ve ever said that anywhere. But you know, I think that’s part of it. I knew there were things in my marriage that weren’t supportive of the household I would want for raising an infant.

I was always a little bit worried about the workload balance, I was always worried about support, I was always worried about whether or not financially I’d be able to, you know, because obviously, I didn’t have, you know, everything that I have now financially. And I just was really nervous about what it would mean to take on that task and I know that a lot of women can probably relate to that. I sadly, you know, where maybe you push some of your dreams aside because you weren’t sure about your partnership. And you didn’t even realize you were doing it but I always knew I wanted to be a mom. That was something that was without question.

I found a letter that I wrote to myself, it was a school assignment when I was in class, in Mr. Duncan Krebble’s class, RIP, loved him. And the assignment was, you know, what makes you who you are, what do you want to be in the future, and I was in 10th grade and I wrote, I want to be known for doing good. I want to be a mom. I want to change the world. I want to be someone who is inspiring and gives back and I want to make sure that, you know, I help my friends be successful. I mean, like this was who I was in 10th grade. So it’s just like, I’m such a nerd. But you know being a mom was part of that list because I said I want to be a mom because I love kids and it’s crazy because when you’re in a partnership that or maybe I mean we’re having a whole therapy moment right now as I reflect on it, you know out loud, this isn’t always how you’re going to catch me but you know, maybe I love kids so much that I knew that that wasn’t what I wanted to do or who I wanted to do it with. Whoop, truth moment you know? Or maybe it was that you know, I just changed, you know, when you’re in a marriage that isn’t as fulfilling you know of everything you think you need or if you’re in a partnership or even a job or you know, anything that isn’t fulfilling what you need, sometimes you try to adapt what you know, you want to fit your circumstances and I think that might have been a little bit of what I was doing.

I was blessed to have these kids come into my world. But they came into my world unexpectedly, it wasn’t planned. And I’d always been the super auntie, I’d always been the mentor, I’d always been the, you know, big brother, big sister. That was something I’d always done. And that’s what I thought it was going to be with my girls. And again, in my book, I talk about that journey step by step by step. But, you know, I really did kind of push down, like, I’ll have kids later, I’ll have kids later, I wasn’t even going to consider, you know, having children until 35, you know, was kind of what I thought it may be, and maybe just one because I knew that was something I wanted to do, but I just wasn’t sure if my partner was going to be ready for that.

And what’s crazy is I met the girls at 28, boom, Mama of three. But now, you know, after sort of stuffing that dream aside for so long, and then, you know, once I had my girls, I was like, oh, you know, thank you God, I didn’t think I’d be getting divorced again, I was like, Thank you, God for giving me a chance to be a mom. And, you know, and I’m so fulfilled. But I realized that, you know, the call is still on my heart to you know, have children and to carry and to add to the world and to nurture and to raise and to have a bigger family and the idea of having a, you know, Thanksgiving table with like, 15 people at it, you know, it like just noisy house and, you know, kids running around and just, I mean, literally when I think about being a grandmother, it makes me teary, you know, like, I just really, not too soon, in case my kids listen to this. When I say being a grandmother makes me teary, I mean, like at an old age, okay, because I don’t need my girls trying to bless me any sooner than necessary. Amen.

But that said, you know, it’s exciting, because, you know, I talk about it here starting over. And when I tell you so much of this life right now feels like I’m doing things for the first time, which is wild, because I’ve already lived a whole life. I’ve become a multimillionaire, I’ve had multiple homes, I’ve raised these kids through these different chapters. And now here I am in a new relationship, wanting to have new children, in a new city with a new partner, that feels like I’m doing everything for the first time.

And it’s a blessing but scary, you know, but I’m here, and I’m leaning in. And it’s exciting to be able to share with you that, you know, this is a journey that I hope to start pretty soon, you know, obviously, I want to make sure everything is in alignment. But I don’t think I’ll wait as long as I did the first time. And, you know, it doesn’t mean stay on baby watch but it does mean that as we’re doing life together, send good prayers.

We’ll see what happens. But that’s the update. You know, I’m out here, finishing up this book that’s going to come out this year. And I’ve had some TV show projects for major networks that I should be hearing about in the coming months. So I can’t wait to tell you guys about that. The kids are alright, thank God. The kids are alright. And they’re with their mom, and they’re thriving, and they’re doing so well. And I’m just so blessed. And I’m alright.

You know, it’s not easy, there are high days and their low days, yesterday was a crying day, I literally was in bed just like crying, you know, about just like, I can’t believe like, you know, where things are still getting my work done and stuff, but I just had, I was in a funk, you know, and I still have those because, you know, it’s kind of like grief, you know, as much as you may have moved on, and you’re okay, and you’re so happy and thankful, doesn’t mean you don’t sometimes miss you know, what used to be or what it thought what you thought it was or the familiarity of the comfort or some of the perceived elements of ease, you know, so it’s normal to have your sad days. But my gosh, the good days outnumber the sad ones and, and I’m so thankful, I’m thankful for you. And I’m thankful for this opportunity. And I’m thankful for my littles in the future. So keep your fingers crossed.

And, you know, and maybe I’ll have some more announcements later. But in terms of the big things in the fold, you know, we’ve got BigTiny who stay in sober we’ve got MidTiny, who’s getting ready to enter the world as a full adult with a full job and y’all pray for her so she can stop being a bill on my on my end, you know, and the little one heading into middle school and me hopefully adding to the pack.

So send me your good news. I love hearing it. I love hearing what you’re up to. I love being able to stand in agreement with you on that and prayer. And above all else, I just I’m so thankful that you’re doing this journey with me. So let’s stay together.

Nicole:

Hey friends, I am so beyond excited to come back and chat with you in 2023. A new year is upon us and boy, do we have some mindset, some business, some life and mom things to connect on because time is a social construct.

Right? I mean, it’s not because all of us say to ourselves that as soon as we cross the line over into the new year, that we are going to, you know, suddenly have more energy or suddenly feel more renewed or suddenly feel like we’re able to do more things. And I just want to be the voice in your ear, your sweet, dear friend that says, it does not have to be any of that. Because it ain’t for me. Right?

The one quote unquote, resolution goal plan strategy that I’ve made for myself this year is that I am not going to kill myself behind chaos. Okay? I mean, when I tell you that everything from 2022 has rolled right over into 2023, I am still dealing with navigating being a mom. I am still dealing with, you know, being in a whole new life and figuring everything out and elements of starting over and because all those things are still in front of me, it’s kind of crazy to put this imaginary marker on the changing of a clock or changing of a calendar and thinking that everything’s gonna be different. So for those of you who are, you know, coming back with me in the new year and hanging out and chatting, I just want you to know that if you don’t feel like anything’s changed, if you’re still feeling a little bit of that, like, oh, I don’t feel refreshed, you know, it’s okay because I’m there too. But I do want to let you know that we still bear some responsibility, if you will, around how we want to set intentions for the year.

So you’ve heard of people setting resolutions, right? Picking a goal, picking something new, picking something you want to accomplish, or add to self, you know, and that’s what I wanted us to just take a minute to reflect on today.Now, I don’t want to poopoo goal making, right? Because goal making is important. How on earth are you going to know what you’re aiming for if you aren’t with intentionality, or strategizing towards something and you guys oh my God girl, even in the Bible, they say write it down and make it plain, right. So when you put something down, you’re more likely to accomplish it. But what I want to let you know is there’s a lot of like marketing and a lot of business advising that happens around the goal world and accountability. So this is the year of or I should say this the time of year of journals and planners and systems and all of that. And I want to share with you how I am approaching this year.

So one, obviously, as I already shared, I said I’m not going to succumb to chaos, right? It just truly is not the season for that. Because I think that we’ve all learned by now between pandemy and what is happening now the triple Demmick, right, wherever everybody’s getting the flu or COVID or RSV, or, I don’t know, DTV if there’s something out there, and everybody’s getting it right? And so I just want to let you know, there’s so much upon us and we’ve learned that the world brings the unexpected constantly. So I just want you to know that that is not what we’re gonna do. We are not going to stress ourselves out, right? But what I want you to know is that setting an intentional item is important.

So here is what I wanted to let you know about last year and what I’ve learned about this year. There’s one single strategy that I have employed in my intentionality creation that I’ve been doing every single year. And last year, I took a little shift that made all the difference. I was going through one of the most difficult seasons of my life. Now, that shift was instead of feeling like I needed to add something to myself, for the very first time, last year, I decided to let go. And I know that we are so used to hearing resolutions and goal setting being about I need to add a gym membership so I can lose weight, I need to add on new hobbies and skills so that I can grow in this way. I need to take a new course, learn a new language, travel some place else. We’re always looking to add to ourselves as if something is missing. And if you know me, and you’ve heard what I’ve said on Instagram, if you follow me there at NicoleWalters, or you know all around the internet, I’m always saying that nothing is missing. Everything is right, everything is wrong, but nothing is missing.

And so for the very first time last year, I just want to let you know how I spent New Years. So at this point I had been a year plus into being divorced. I was looking at another year of it in front of me of singlehood, you know, and I had been navigating the world for the very first time as a single woman, as a single mom, as someone who unexpectedly found themselves in this position where they feel like maybe cast aside, you know, and that love just wasn’t something that was in the cards for me. And that kind of went astray.

And I mean, I remember that New Years of 2021 was filled with a deep loneliness and a longingness. And I remember leading up to that day to December 31 feeling like Wow, this looks nothing like what I thought, you know, I am in California in a beautiful beach house, I’m well cared for. I mean, God truly has kept me during this sort of waiting and transitional season, but it definitely wasn’t the house full of kids sleeping everywhere after the holidays. And, you know, the merry table and the meals and the leftovers in the fridge and all these things. I mean, I was just I was, I felt like I was in shambles. And I remember pouring myself this glass of champagne as the clock is starting to tick down, kind of insistent on still celebrating.

I remember I picked up that champion at the last minute at Trader Joe’s because I said, Well, it is New Year’s right. And I should try to, you know, lean into this. And I should try to, you know, still celebrate the fact that I exist. If nothing else, I’m trying to try not to get choked up about it. But I remember, the biggest thing that I wanted in this season was love. I just wanted to know if that was something I could look forward to again, because I knew that I would always be a mom. And I knew that I would always look out for my kids and I knew that we were family and family was not something I was lacking because as long as I had my three babies, and as long as I was able to be in their lives and support them, I absolutely knew that wasn’t something I would lack.

So, you know, if there was anything I could resolve for, it was to have love and companionship. And I knew that I loved partnership, I love being a wife and I loved, you know, leaning into a partner and having a partner lift me and that was what I was seeking for a lifetime, not just for 2022, but for a lifetime. And I took my glass of champagne, and I headed up to my rooftop deck off the beach to watch the fireworks. And I remember as the clock started ticking down, and I was just kind of looking out and seeing these fireworks starting to erupt. And I remember thinking to myself, well, what is it I need to add in order to have love in 2022? Like, what is it that I need to fix? Repair? Change? What am I missing? That’s gonna help me actually get this thing that I so desire, this thing that I thought I had, you know, at least the fantasy of it, you know, how am I going to get the real version? And how am I going to finally, outside of myself, I loved myself, I love being with myself, but I was ready. I felt like I’d be ready for years, honestly. And I was ready. And I remember just taking a moment in prayer.

And this is what I want to extend to you. And I decided to approach it differently. So for all of you may be saying to yourself, you have a particular goal or desire, whether it’s make more money or lose more weight or you know, have a baby or start that business or reconnect with that family member, whatever adding to your life. Sometimes the answer is to release. And that’s what I did in that moment. I remember that in 2021, I looked off into the fireworks and I said to myself, you know, you gotta come at this a different way.

And so I did a little prayer, I said, God, you know, I’m tired. I am tired of questioning and looking and wanting and feeling like it’s, you know, the answer is in a couple more pounds or being a little more stylish or a couple more commas in my bank account or more work. I’m adding in all these different ways and I like me, you know, like I agree with you God, I like me, you know, like we’re doing great over here. But I still have this desire for love. And if there’s one thing that I pray for in the new year, Lord, it is simply to be okay being alone.

And when I say okay being alone, I don’t mean in the way where I am so deeply desiring partnership because I’m unsatisfied with self, I mean, helped me surrender this belief that I am going to have more kids or have companionship and just be more okay with it just being me and you, God. Because I’m okay with it. Like if it’s just going to be us then I realized I have everything and I don’t need much else.

So if this moment is the one where I have to surrender that and say, hey, it’s just us and I’ve got my babies and you know what, okay, that’s what 2022 is, then help me to find whatever else I need to to continue to live in complete joy with what I have, because I recognize that what I have is so much.

And when I tell you there was a level of humility that it takes to be able to sit there and say, I have enough. Especially when you’re in a moment when you’ve lost so much. I’d lost the vision of my previous family and I’d lost, you know, I had multiple homes, you know, and I downsized everything, frankly you don’t need all that stuff when it’s just you. And you know, everything just looks so different. And yet, I was saying, You know what, God, if this is all there ever is, it’s enough, I surrender.

The only thing I need now is to just be continuously good with that and finding joy in every day. And I have to tell you, what was interesting was in that moment, I could feel it top to bottom, the power of surrendering control over thinking that I’m going to resolve to make something look different. And when I did that, just five days later, I met Alex.

And if you haven’t been keeping up, or if you haven’t tuned in on past episodes, you know, Alex is someone who’s really important to me, he’s the guy that I’m seeing, He means the world to me. And, you know, we’ve been in this thing now for over a year. And I’m so so grateful, you know, to be in this partnership. It has healed me, it has restored me, it has replenished me, it is more than I ever could have expected. I didn’t even know the words to pray for what I have now.

And I say this to you because for me, that was the thing that I was seeking was, you know, this, this type of love. And I want you to know that if you are sitting there saying to yourself, you know, for this year that the thing that you want feels like it’s out of reach. Or if you’re saying for the 10th time over that you have the same resolution as you’ve always had, I just want you to know that there’s power in surrender.

There is strength in being able to say, You know what, instead of me going against the current, I’m just going to float with the waves. Instead of me fighting tooth and nail to try to make something happen day in and day out. What does it look like for me to be okay where I am? I have a dear friend who’s doing a little self challenge with herself where she in a very big way. I mean, this is someone who I love dearly and is incredibly qualified and incredibly capable. I mean, this woman can do everything she builds businesses, she’s a stellar mom. She’s a generous friend. And she spent so much of her life I’ve known her for over a decade now, she spent so much of her life giving and doing for others. And this year, her little self challenge that she’s doing is what does it look like if the only thing I work on is me?

>What if that is all I do for here, I just work on everything that has to do with me, making myself the most joyful possible, making my relationship with God as close as possible, being the best mom, I can be showing up completely as a wife, you know, leaning into my home, waking up every day and saying I want to learn a new recipe. I mean, this is truly her only project right now. Now, I know there’s some of you right now who are hearing this and saying, Well, what privilege right, you know, to be in that position to be able to financially have that freedom to be able to, you know, what does she have a rich husband? How does she do it? Well, I want to let you know that that choice has nothing to do with money. It’s all about scale, right? For you, what would it look like if every day you said to yourself, Well, I’m always going to seek a moment of gratitude? Well, every day, I am going to choose to not lean into anger and instead recalibrate and figure out what this looks like for me or every day I’m going to go into therapy and instead of sitting in therapy, just kind of halfway doing it, I’m going to lean in and share a vulnerable moment. What does it look like for you to surrender to the process a little differently?

What does it look like for you to surrender your expectation on how things need to work, the process, they have to follow the steps it has to take, how results need to look and instead say, you know what, I’m just going to show up every day, I’m going to give it my absolute best. I’m going to be positive about the outcomes. And then whatever happens, I’m going to go with the flow. And friend, top of the year, if that’s what you decide to do, guess what? We’re in it together, because that’s what it’s all about is doing life together. This year that’s what I’m doing. And I want to commit to that with you. I want to commit to letting you know every single chat that we have. And if you follow me on Instagram or Facebook or around the internet or watch my shows or read my book, you know I want you to know that that’s what it’s going to be all about. So we talked a lot last season about starting over. But this season, I want us to talk all about surrender. What does it look like to let go and lean in?

Friend, I’m so glad we still get to do this together, day in and day out. And I’m so excited about what this is going to mean for us as we grow together, as we see what happens when we just show up as our most complete self and find gratitude in every single moment. I also want to see what happens when we use our resources. Because we don’t have to make this stuff up as we go. There’s somebody who’s lived every aspect of life who knows things I know I’m sharing my secrets and others do too. So keep showing up. I’ll be here and keep leaning in, we’ll get there together. Happy New Year friend. Let’s do this.

Nicole:

Hey, everyone. So I love, love, love, love when I get to have special chats with incredible people and you know that every single time I bring one of my friends here to our space, that it’s going to be a chat that’s going to be transformative and today is no different. I am here with a good friend, an impactful and transformative woman and she is so smart and so generous. We are going to have shifts today. I’m here in studio with my dear friend, Ginny Priem. Ginny, how are you doing?

Ginny:

I’m so good. And thrilled to be here with you today.

Nicole:

Oh, it’s gonna be such a good one. Now, Ginny obviously has her own podcast. She is inspiring. She’s an author. She’s a motivational speaker. She has worked in corporate America, shifted out of that lifestyle. And she spends her whole life giving to other women to move them from where they are to where they want to be. And I am thrilled that you’re here to talk with us about your story because your story, when I first read your book, when I tell you, I was floored that you are still standing, because the things you have been through would have put many of us under the ground.

So I’m going to turn over to you please just give us a high level overview, hit the points, everyone lean in. And if you’ve got littles around, this may be a headphone moment because the stuff that happened here was a doozy. Lean in Ginny.

Ginny:

Okay, well, I can do it in a non-headphony way.

Nicole:

I love that

Ginny:

For everybody. Um, gosh, where to even start. I guess I’ll start back at the beginning. So here I was single, living my best life career focused, traveling great places, both for work and for fun, spending my free time with my friends, mostly my dogs. But I was so happy. And then I was introduced to Chad, as he’s named in the book, but I wasn’t really interested at first. Over a few cocktails. I kind of broke those barriers down.

Nicole:

Who isn’t more interested over a few cocktails, Ginny? Okay, so many stories start this way. But yours gets crazy.

Ginny:

Yeah, that’s kind of what helped open the door. But one of the reasons I was hesitant is because he had kids. And you know, by opening that door and getting that feeling of butterflies, opening the door a little more, I fell in love. And then I met his kids and fell in love two more times. And I had this instant family. You know a little something about that, about that.

Nicole:

I know all about that and I’ve done it many times over. And it’s when you’re in it, it is such a dream.

Ginny:

So was it a dream. It was a bit of a fairy tale. It felt like it was a passionate love story. And you can read about that part in the book. And I found myself in school pickup lines and drop off lines and you know, soccer games and movie nights cuddling on the couch. And that’s not anything that was ever in my plans. It wasn’t part of my journey that I expected. But I did, I loved it. I was so happy, surprisingly. Until one day a friend wanted to meet. And she wanted to meet for cocktails, which was very unusual because this friend and I had never met for cocktails.

Nicole:

Wow, it was always like a lesson number one, y’all if a friend that you never ever hang out with wants to meet you for cocktail, she’s trying to grease the wheels because she’s got something to tell you.

Ginny:

Right. But things were so good for me at that point that I all day thought I was going into support her. That she needed something from me.

Nicole:

Ginny, that’s your norm. Let’s just say you’re always the one who’s showing up for a friend to be like and I’ve known Ginny for a bit and she’s this is just how she is. So I get that. So you show up and I’m guessing that’s not what it was right?

Ginny:

No, not at all. So she laid out this arrangement of evidence of deceit, betrayal, lies, and it was detailed, like dates, names, locations. And this was all about the man that was living in my life.

Nicole:

I’m not kidding, y’all. This book will blow your mind. It is a Lifetime movie HBO special, Dear John letter all wrapped up into one. I mean, when you read about what was in this paperwork, you will be floored. It’s honestly, it’s not even believable. I was in shock with you in that moment. How did you feel when you saw all of this in front of you from a trusted friend to not someone who just make this up?

Ginny:

Yeah, it was from a trusted friend and you’re part of me if I’m being very transparent, it was shocking but there were also red flags. So it’s like I walked into this restaurant, one woman with one life. And I was walking out, like facing this new life that I had no idea what it looked like, because I completely changed my life, you know, to welcome him and his kids in. And then I’m leaving looking at this new prospect, but there was just too much evidence, and basically, the relationship was over that weekend. And well, that’s a really good story. Sure. The after story, I think is the even better one, that’s when it got crazy.

Nicole:

So let’s talk about this. So the theme of this entire season has been starting over, that we got to get used to it, that is going to happen unexpectedly, and then it will likely happen often. Now, a lot of us think that starting over something that happens gradually, or that we can kind of see coming, I mean, you went in to have cocktails and left having to start over. So knowing that you had a whole life that you were leaning into, I mean, truly, you were building your forever. And then you walked into that parking lot, and forever was gone.

What was the first thing that you had to kind of adjust to because this is what you really do specialize in helping women with, you know, there are so many women all the time who are like, I just don’t even know where to begin. And you have methods and systems and processes that help them deal with this. So people can work with you in that way but this is how you came to this how you learn because you’re in front of me now, what did you do?

Ginny:

Well, grief is a funny thing. So quite honestly, the first thing I did was I got my nails done.

Nicole:

Listen, I eat french fries, we all have our systems. Okay.

Ginny:

But that was what was on my calendar. And when you’re in that state of shock and grief, like you don’t know how you’re going to how, what, what’s next, like, I just had to look at my calendar and go through the motions and getting through.

Nicole:

And, you know, I think that that’s a really valuable thing for anyone to hear. Because sometimes people will judge grief because they’ll say, How could she still go to her such and such? How could she finish this thing? And you might even judge yourself like, I should just go home and cry and hide in a closet, but then you go pick up the kids, you know, nothing’s wrong with you for doing the next right thing. And so I hope you guys are picking up the gems from Gin here. Okay. There’s just tons of them here. So after that, at what point were you like, I’ve got to realize, like, something’s going to happen, because you said it was over that weekend. So what came next?

Ginny:

Yeah, so there was a little bit of putting one foot in front of the other. And what I realized in hindsight, was I was actually following this path, the Gin path, which is the journey and the path that I walked down for my healing and growing journey. And so the first thing I did was I started gathering. At first I had to just gather myself, gather my breath. Gather my, you know, now many of us get that.

Nicole:

Yeah, we skip that a lot. And I really, I mean, honestly, when I told you that not only it’s a story crazy, but you’ve got to have a pen and paper for this one. Because if the first step in the Gin path is to gather and gather yourself, gather your tools, gather everything, you need to move forward. So many of us beat ourselves up, because we think we’re supposed to take off running. And you’re saying that no, and we’re confronted with starting over, the first thing we need to do is pause and gather what we need before we move. That’s good. That’s good. Okay. And so you did that? What did that look like for you?

Ginny:

For me, it looked like gathering a lot of information. And first of all, it had to, I had to take a hard look at this is what just happened, and face it head on. And I think that’s the biggest part of like, we hear the phrase like change is, you know, inevitable. But transformation is a conscious choice. I had to make that conscious choice. And so for me, what it looked like was gathering a lot of information, I had to ask myself a lot of hard questions like, How did I let this happen? Why did I welcome this into my life, and then start gathering a lot of information. So I read books, I did, you know, looked at every journal article that I could about different behaviors and characteristics that I identified in him. And quite honestly, other people in my life.

Nicole:

Oh, well, I just want to pause on that HOO girl. So the first thing I recognize here that I think is really powerful for anyone listening and evidence of how you help support women, is that ownership, ownership, because ultimately, we are not responsible for the horrible things that other people do to us. But we absolutely are responsible for making sure they don’t happen again, by building boundaries, learning more about protecting ourselves and getting these people the heck out of our lives. So that was part of your process was, hey, I need to learn what this looks like and make sure it’s not replicating itself anywhere else. And so I mean, it sounds like this starting over process was an awakening of many different areas. Did you you find other people who treated you this way or used you this way or violated your boundaries this way. I’m telling you, I’ll read this book, read the book. It’s called Your my favorite by Ginny Priem. It is on Amazon. You can buy it now. You’re my favorite by Ginny Priem, such a good read. So keep going. So what happened?

Ginny:

Yes, I absolutely started identifying those things. And that kind of leads into the I, which is intentions and intentionality. And I know you’re big on that I am and you know who else talks about intentions all the time probably because of you, Oprah.

Nicole:

Oh, you know, it’s so funny because and then we’re going to take a brief break here for if you guys are new to the brand, if you’re new to the podcast, you understand that I am clearly an icon. Okay. So naturally, you know this, this woman who shall remain unnamed, wants to do everything I do, you know, and I talk about intentionality all the time since birth. And I mean, the since she was also born, she also likes to copy what I do, but we’ll get to that another day. You’re right, I invented the concept of intentionality. I love hearing that it’s something that you also leverage. So tell me, tell me about that. So we’ve got the G, which is to gather, this is how we face starting over, this is how we face transformation G is gather. I is intentions. Perfect.

Ginny:

And there’s a couple of different ways to look at that. So one of the things that I discovered on a retreat that I went to about a year post the breakup was intentions or positive affirmations. So the first way that I started to really reflect was how do I talk to myself?

Nicole:

That’s really good, just because honestly, I’m not gonna lie when you talked about the gathering part and taking ownership over things. I was like, how am I not beating myself up, but it’s nice to know that the I portion of this method is loving myself. Yeah. Because you could stay down and never bring yourself back up. So that’s good.

Ginny:

I also think like intentions is a little bit of self compassion. So grace, yes. Granting yourself some grace, and, you know, leaning into how we talk to ourselves, because that really does shift how we feel, who we spend our time around. Like, my dad used to always like to say, you’re only as good as the company you keep. And I was like, No, I’m my own person.

Nicole:

It doesn’t matter. I can be around people who are total trash, and I’ll still be sunshine. It’s like, no, no, no. It rubs off.

Ginny:

Yeah. So being intentional about what you’re doing, being mindful about who you’re spending your time around. Because I like to equate to it as like your emotional bank account.

Nicole:

That’s good, that’s good. And where are we spending our time from our emotional bank? So good. What’s great about working with Ginny, and just hearing everything she says and sharing her stories that everything you’re saying, I think on some level, it really resonates with us, because we all know this. But the way that you package things helps accelerate people towards transformation, because it’s so digestible. And it’s just so, I would just keep it real. It’s so dang honest, you can’t say it’s not true. You know what I mean? It just makes sense. So you went through this in your story, right? Saying like, Okay, I got a love of myself, because clearly I was not being loved at all, properly. So where were you mindset wise? Because I know that in my starting over journey, I mean, I definitely went through that season of, I can’t believe I let this happen. And how the heck am I going to start over because I have to work harder than ever before. I’m a single mom with these babies. I am running this business, like wanting to beat myself up. So how did you pick up and do anything? After being in this pit? You know, that you were put into frankly

Ginny:

It’s almost like, you’re inviting me to the next step, which is the nurture. And so after you’ve done that intentionally, it was the nurture. And it was about a year after it was on that same retreat, where I really started to use my intentions and positive intentions, where I started to meditate. And so nurturing yourself, like taking care of yourself. There’s a lot of different ways to do that. And that’s what I like about Gin path is like, that’s my path. But it’s also your path. Sure. And it’s not like you have to do this, this and this.

Nicole:

It’s hitting the points, but doing it in the way that manifests for you.

Ginny:

Yes, right. And so like, I know, you’re a God girl, and a lot of your listeners are and so maybe it’s nurture is spending time with my faith.

Nicole:

Yes, that’s a huge part of it. What does God have for me, you know, in that meditative, prayerful state, what does God have for me? Really listening because just like you said, and we’ve talked to you guys don’t know. But we’ve mentioned, we talk all the time. And we talked offline about this, you know, in following those steps, gather, intention, nurture. For me, the nurturing part was literally realizing I didn’t spend much time listening to God while I was in the chaos of my relationship.

So getting away and creating that space to nurture myself in that relationship with Christ, as is my beliefs. Like, a lot of clarity came, I was shocked that following the steps gave me so much clarity. And if you read the book, that’s what happened for you. You got good and clear girl. So I mean, and I think that you guys don’t know spoiler alert. There’s more plot twists coming, not just in the book, but even with where Ginny is now. So tell us about that. You’ve walked through the path you’re at nurture tell me he must have been all the way healed perfectly perfect. So having content with your life, everything was perfect, right?

Ginny:

Wouldn’t that be something. Unfortunately, that’s just not how life works. But, you know, fast forward a few years, and I you know, I’ve been following you for a long time, and I saw this opportunity. I just published my book and I saw an opportunity to work with you and do a VIP day and work with you one on one so I took it.

Nicole:

Yeah we had a blast. Honestly, it wasn’t even a day. It ended up becoming like two plus days just because we were hanging out and having a good time. Doing the work.

Ginny:

It was the best. And you brought me here, I got to watch you record a proper podcast. So it was one of the things that said, you need to be doing this journey. And after publishing my book, I just knew that there was more work for me to do in this space. Yeah, I was feeling pulled and pushed in this direction. Yes. And I knew that that next step was to work with somebody that could help me build the framework, use the strategic steps, and really build everything out. That was only 90 days ago.

Nicole:

So that’s the thing I want to call out here. The fact that you already had the Gin path that you’d live that to recover from this heavily traumatic experience, you know, and here you are living a life that frankly, people would envy. Like, I mean, before we met, before any of the people would envy your life. I mean, you have discretionary income, you have the world’s best looking dog, okay, you are able to travel, you work in a great field, you know, I mean, you truly have a great apartment, you have a great life, you know, you have all these things. And yet, you’re saying to yourself, I want to start over, do more and give back. And with that intention, because you live the Gin path, in 90 days you are I think you have a podcast that you just launched that’s doing really well you’re doing I mean, just you’re working on speaking. I mean, it’s so many things are coming into sight for you in just 90 days. I mean, it’s, it’s amazing. It’s amazing to me. But the part about that I think really stands out that I hope everyone hears is it’s the intentionality of following your process that got you where you are?

Ginny:

Yes.

Nicole:

How do you feel about starting over? Again?

Ginny:

You know, I think that you can look at it a couple different ways, I think you can look at it. It’s like we hear the saying, like glass half empty, glass half full. Like for me, I looked at it as an opportunity. And so I had this opportunity to start over and do something more that felt more aligned with my purpose. And my path. And it’s scary. Like we just spent, you know, two days at a seminar with you. And you talked about like, a lot of people are scared to step into their purpose because they’re afraid of leaving the security.

Nicole:

You’re not because I mean, you’ve walked into a restaurant and you’re that security was yanked. So I was talking to everyone else but you Ginny. You’re like, oh, security is not a real thing. Please like that’s your energy. So yeah.

Ginny:

I think for me, I personally looked at it as an opportunity. And I’ll continue to look at it as an opportunity. So to be able to use my story, to help other people and to use it for good. And look, I know some people might not think that my story is the biggest story.

Nicole:

Oh, it’s big. Oh, it’s big. It’s funny, because your story just to kind of call it out and be like, I hate to make this alignment. But there was a very popular special, you know, that was out there about a woman who was taken by a con artist, who was known for taking lots of women. And I just want to let you know, this guy, very similar attributes, very similar personality. And that became a hit podcast series, as well as a hit TV show. Ginny, this ain’t no different. Okay, and it is concerning. So, and that guy still out there? You don’t I mean, he’s still out there. And as a matter of fact, I think it’s worth noting, like, you had this whole family and you had this whole thing. Are you still in their life?

Ginny:

I am. So I flew out here over the weekend. And just that morning, I had breakfast with my Modern Family.

Nicole:

I just want to say, you want to talk about plot twist no one expects, we think when we start over, we have to leave everything behind. But if you are strong enough, and if you follow the systems and stick with the tools you know, sometimes you can keep everything you had before, but you’re still safe, which is crazy. Like you’re still in their life.

Ginny:

Yeah. And you get to create the framework of what that looks like. And I fortunately the kids mom is wonderful. We do girls trips, we get together for dinner all the time. And then we also have like our special little modern family, where it’s the four of us where we do Spring Break together or have breakfast together. We celebrate the holidays together as our own little modern family unit. And it’s wonderful. And I think that’s part of the starting over piece, like teaching them lessons and being able to be in their lives to teach them that people aren’t disposable. People matter. And so there’s so many different aspects that you can take from that starting over aspect where it’s starting over and growing forward.

Nicole:

Oh, that’s so good. I don’t even know if we have too much more after that. I mean, starting over and growing forward. Wow. So many lessons. I literally could talk to you for days, have done. Have talked to you for days. But I absolutely know that the gems from gin that we just had in this moment will change people’s lives y’all a place to start is grabbing her book, you’re my favorite by Ginny Priem that’s available on Amazon. All the details will be in the show notes. But I also want you to know that you can work with Ginny, if you’re in this place of transformation, if you’re needing to start over. If you’re just wondering how you can bounce back from something that hopefully doesn’t look anything like this. I mean, Ginny has bounced back from the craziest of the crazies. So how can people reach out to you, get that support, get that plan and that path that’ll help them move forward?

Ginny:

The best way is through Instagram, right? I love to connect with people. So reach out to me on Instagram. What I have found is that through sharing my story, other people are inspired and are comfortable and like feel invited and welcome to share theirs. So as people are sharing their stories, I’m starting to share them anonymously. Maybe they don’t want to be a guest on the podcast, but they can share them anonymously, reach out and connect with me that way, because that way we can start that dialogue.

Nicole:

Oh, I love that. And where can people find you?

Ginny:

On Instagram at Ginny Priem, at Ginny Priem.

Nicole:

Oh, y’all. What a blessing that Ginny’s here with us today. And I just want to let you know that there is so much strength in numbers. And there’s so much strength in being honest and leaning in on the people who have gone before us and really grown. So thank you so much for being here Ginny, you are so appreciated.

Ginny:

Thank you for having me.

Nicole:

Hey friends, so every time I meet someone new, one of the things that always stands out and I think this may have stood out in our relationship as well, is that people always say, Man, Nicole, the way you talk about money is so different. It’s different because I feel like I don’t hear this languaging either in my culture, in my career, in my relationships, and you just talk about money so differently. And I don’t even know how sometimes you were like, I don’t even know how I feel about it. It just, it takes some adjustment. So I want to let you know that that’s what this conversation is about. I want us to talk about the way we talk about money.

So if you aren’t familiar with my background, I grew up completely and entirely dirt poor. I talked about this in my book that’s coming out next year with Simon and Schuster. I talk about the fact that I grew up in intense poverty, my father was a cab driver for over 40 years, and my mother was a secretary and a boating insurance company. And I slept on a couch until I was 12. They were both immigrants from Ghana, West Africa, they did everything to come here became American citizens. But I mean, honestly, I remember the first time I saw my dad’s tax paperwork, and this was in the mid 90s. And I will never forget that he declared his income and it was $7,000. It was like $7400, something like that. And I remember thinking to myself at that time, because we’re not going to talk about my age, but you know, I was very young. Okay. And I remember thinking to myself at that time, I don’t know much about money. But I know that’s not a lot. Like I know, that’s not a lot. And I know that’s not enough, especially for a family of four living in Washington DC. And, and just trying, and I always knew we never had much because the fridge would run a little bit bear, NOT a little bit, a lot bear. I mean, there’ll be a lot of whitespace coming up on grocery shopping. And I knew that whenever we had grocery shop, mom would count the number of tomatoes, and we’d buy as much as we needed and for the week, and that we were going to use at that time. And I knew that it was strange that I didn’t have a room or a bed. And, and all my friends because I was blessed to be able to go to elite private schools in DC on scholarship, you know, not only had their own rooms, but they have their own bathrooms and wings, and nannies and vacations and trips.

And I knew that I live differently. But I didn’t quite understand what it cost to live differently. So this had a two fold impact that I think a lot of you may relate to. And I also want you to understand that the relation to this isn’t necessarily growing up in intense poverty, even the perception of intense poverty can lead to poverty trauma. So when I say the perception, what I’m referring to is the fact that some of us grew up in homes where there was enough, you know, where our parents actually were able to meet most of our needs. And when we look back on it, compared to where we are the way we live now or the way that we are providing for our kids. We’re like, oh, you know, I never really did without and it was a pretty decent upbringing. But understand that if we had parents who grew up with their own money issues, or grew up from their own intense poverty, and we weren’t that removed from that experience, the trauma of poverty can pass on. And the reason why I’m discussing this is one, if this is something that you’re impacted by, we want to break that cycle as well.

So I want to let you know that, that poverty trauma was something that I experienced because, you know, one I knew I was living without and two I didn’t quite understand why that was. One thing that I know is that and you guys know I’m a God girl, you know, there’s a Bible phrase about God not being a respecter of persons. Write everybody in God’s eyes equal. So what he can do for one he can do for another. And, and it’s a huge part of how I feel about money, right, I may be in a position where I have money today, if God doesn’t want me to have it tomorrow, I will not.

And that’s the same approach that I feel about others having money, there’s literally zero on this planet that I have, that you cannot have as well. I am not different or more special or fancy, or with some cheat codes, I am not overly blessed or better than anybody else on this planet. Money, to me, is simply an earthly tool that permits me the ability to do heavenly good. I am only able to use and leverage the money that I have, in order to do things differently than others. And so because of that, when I was growing up, and I would see that other people had money, all I ever really wondered was, well, okay, they seem to have more of it, what are they doing differently, that they’ve acquired it – whether that was inheritance or employment, or investments, or access or privilege, what what are they doing differently, that I’m either able to mimic, extract from, learn or teach in order to obtain it for myself so that I am afforded the options and the opportunities that they have.

That is how I engage with and relate to money, it’s transactional. So it’s one of those things that I think has really allowed me to never shy away from or have too much fear around chasing opportunity. And so my belief in money being something free flowing, money being something that is, again, just a tool, and money being something that I am permitted to have, that is something that I should have, and is something that allows me to do the things that I am called to do, has allowed me to not really have a lot of fear around the acquisition of it or doing what is required to acquire it. That is doing what is required to acquire it.

And what I found is that a lot of people experience delay in pursuing what they should be pursuing to acquire the funds that are required for them to do their calling, because of that poverty trauma. And that poverty, trauma tells you that maybe I won’t be successful, because this thing is a lot of money, maybe I don’t deserve to get paid as much. Maybe I don’t need to and I shouldn’t ask the question about how much something cost because I should already know that information. Maybe because I don’t know that information, that’s a sign that I don’t deserve that money. Maybe if I got a lot of money, people would think differently of me, maybe because I have all this money now I am not worthy. I mean, there are lots and lots of thoughts that we have about money that truly come from somewhere else. Because the truth is, if you give a child $1 Bill, they can’t tell if it’s a $1 bill or a $100 bill. We are born not understanding money to be anything else, but paper. So the idea that at some point in time we develop a relationship around it means that we can recalibrate and rewrite that relationship as well as will benefit us and benefit our legacy and benefit our families.

Now I want to be honest in saying that, even with a increased confidence around our relationship with money, it doesn’t mean that you’re not going to pursue it in order to do the things you need to do and pursue opportunities that have money attached to it without feeling fear, discomfort, lack of clarity, hardship, nerves, you know, apprehension. I still have all of that. So even if you’re hearing me say that you know, I deserve money and I’m good with money and money is good with me, which is a phrasing I say a lot, you know, and just a pause on the previous thought for a moment and circle back to that so you guys can hear what I mean when I say that because I know some of this language is uncomfortable for some. People do not like when some people don’t like when women talk about money some people don’t like when people of color talk about money. Some people don’t like when Christians talk about money. Some people don’t like when business owners and CEOs and anyone talks about money because again, we have a lot of definitions around what talking about money supposedly means.

But what I want you to understand is that whether you like it or not, or whatever thoughts you have around it, money is still free flowing and there are a lot of very bad people with a lot of money using it to advance their negative agendas. So when you hear me talk about money, one thing I can assure you is that part of why I say that I deserve money and money is good with me, meaning money is very, very good in my hands, I should have a lot of it because I use it to do good. And that’s what I mean when I say, especially because I know our relationship friend, I know where your heart is. And this is something I want you to hear from me clearly. Even if either one of us had all the money in the world, we would probably still work, pause for a second, I know, you’re like, No, Nicole, the minute I win the lotto, I’m not showing up. No, that’s not what I mean. What I mean is this, if you’re the type of person that I know you are, if we’re very similar, if we had all the money in the world, the type of people we are as we would just put our time where we believe it would be most beneficial.

So instead of us clocking in every day, for a nine to five job, that may not be the most fulfilling or the best use of our skills, we would probably do more charity work, we would spend our time with our kids more. We would take on task and do things that we know benefit the world, whether it is advocating for towards climate change or advocating towards causes that we no matter to us, I mean, we would spend our time doing the things that we think would not only help others, but feed our own soul and benefit the world. That’s how we are.

So for me, gathering all the money that I can means that I also get to take money out of circulation, that could end up in the hands of people that are not good and utilize that money towards something good. I sit on the board of many charities, I donate six figures a year to charity. So knowing all of this, it is a good thing for me to have money, I am collecting it all so I can put it where it is supposed to go. And you know, as a Christian, part of where it’s supposed to go is based on prayer, it is based on God’s divine timing, it’s based on what he presents to me. I mean, I just look at the opportunity that I had to become a mother to three incredible girls, I mean, I am so deeply privileged and honored to be their mother day in and day out. And I could not have been able to do that and afford them the life that they deserve, if I did not have money. So I say this, again, to hopefully help those of you who may still be struggling with understanding some of my languaging around money, so that you can understand that no, truly, I mean, it is but a tool, it is but a tool. Beyonce was gifted with a beautiful voice not just to stand in the shower and sing, but to be able to pay for the jet that will help her fly to all the places in the world where she can leverage and use that voice to change lives and impact others. So they’re inspired with their own belief and to get through what they need to get through, right. So you are no different than that. You need money to do all the things and move around this world and be in all the places you need to be in order to be great. So money is good with you because you are a good person.

So getting back to the way that I talk about money, what I want you to also understand is even with all that confidence, I do still have money fear. So both of those things can exist at the same time, but that fear, understand is related to the trauma. Poverty trauma is real. So I will never forget the other day when I read this article from Paris Hilton, if you’re not familiar with Paris Hilton, I mean, I don’t know if you’re living under a rock but she essentially is the famed, I want to say granddaughter, if not great granddaughter of Conrad Hilton, the originator of the Hilton brand franchise, and she has become a billionaire in her own right, essentially. I mean, she has multiple brands, she’s had a music career, she’s a famed DJ, she’s had a reality shows, songs, clothing lines, perfect. I mean, she has truly created and built and become a powerhouse businesswoman in her own right.

Now, I know that so many people may have thoughts about her lifestyle and choices she’s made, and all that jazz, but it doesn’t change the fact that she has absolutely branded herself into billions successfully. And I say all this because she was interviewed and they asked her about money. Now, I want you to know that this is a woman who grew up with money, she has never lived a day in her life not knowing extreme, unfamiliar wealth. And so they asked her, they said, you know, talk to us a little bit about the stages of your wealth. And she, were talking about the wealth that she created outside of what she was born with. Now, what she said in the very beginning was, you know, well, I always used to think if I only got to 100 million, then I’d be really, really good. But then when I got to 100 million, I was like, well, I’ll be really good once I get to a billion.

So what I want to call out here is not that she, you know, started off with an inheritance and not that we’re talking about crazy nine figure numbers. And billions, like, I don’t want to talk about that. What I want to call out here is that someone who I think all of us would agree, is the definition of privileged, right. She has even built a brand around how privileged she is. She is the prototype for what our society leverages as being someone who should be super successful. She is skinny, She is blonde, she has blue eyes, she is rich, she has all of these things, right, that indicate that she should be wildly successful in our society. And here she is saying to herself, that she had her own version of scarcity mindset around whether or not what she had would be the thing that would make her feel comfortable.

She’s never known a day of financial discomfort in her life. And yet, she still had that. So knowing that, and knowing that she still manages to operate without it, even though every single piece in her world is set up where she will not experience loss if she gets something wrong. What makes you friend think that you are any different? What makes you think you’re any different? Obviously, people like us, if Paris Hilton can have it, you better believe that people like us, who actually have experience what it’s like to live with some degree of having to make a choice around a financial thing. Most of us know it will are long, let me start over. Most of us are a long ways away from being in a place where we can say, Oh, we’re swiping the card. And we never ever, ever think about it for any sum.

I’m grateful that I am now at a point in my life that when I go to the grocery store, I’m not looking at the balance, that I don’t worry about whether or not my card is going to say approved or declined. I’m not in a place in my life where when I go to the gas pump, you know, I’m checking to see if I have $1 on the card, because I know I’m gonna max it out but it’s okay because, you know, my next check is going to hit before direct deposit, you know, the next day and I know that I’m not going to get that overcharge. Y’all I know that life because I also grew up without. I have been, you know, below the poverty line. And I’ve also, you know, and I’m currently in the 1%, you know, so I know the full extreme of that life. And understand that it’s that knowledge that one makes me so abundantly grateful for where I am now. And it’s also that knowledge that allows me to speak to you to let you know that don’t let the poverty trauma keep you from pursuing what is your birthright, especially as someone who is a good person, especially as someone who I know, if you had every dollar in the world would give back would show up and would serve completely.

I think that we all got to revamp the way that we talk about money. It’s the powers that be that already have it that want to keep us from having conversations around. What do we make? How do we get it? Where do we go? What can we do? Sharing that knowledge from the boardroom with the regular folk in the break room is what allows the people who are going to do some incredible things, to be able to have the ability to do those things. We want to have comfort with talking about money as something that we deserve. Understand that it is backwards thinking and it is deserving to feel that we shouldn’t share what we know about how to get where we want to go.

And it’s exciting for me to talk about money the way that I do because I genuinely know as somebody who has come from nothing to the same tax bracket as Mark Zuckerberg, at the very bottom of it, though, and I got thoughts about that, right. But at the very bottom of it, that I am able to tell people, Look, it’s possible. You know, I mean, this is what I teach in my company, Inherit learning company, this is what I talk about in elevators, this is what I share when I’m sitting in a car with an Uber driver, because again, I know, just because I truly was a girl, not truly was, I still am honestly, the girl who slept on a couch, you know, with a dad who slept on a dirt floor, you know, and now has children who sleep in mansions, you know, I’m letting you know that in just one generation, the cycle can be broken. But it can’t be broken if we don’t immediately change our mindset and our judgments and our thought processes around how we receive, engage with, and discuss money, particularly because we don’t want to pass it on to our kids./p>

So what I’m really blessed with, what I’m grateful for is I’ve got children who are great stewards of the dollar. I’ve got children who understand that, you know, money is something that we leverage and use to do good things. I have children that when I asked them, what’s their favorite part of Christmas, they don’t say presents, they say family. And I’m thankful because I also recognize that language is also the language of privilege. You know, they don’t say presence, because that isn’t the only time of the year that they’re getting gifting. They understand that because they are lacking. So I recognize the privilege that comes along with that. But I also know that my kids understand that money is a tool that they can use.

I want to encourage you, if you have found yourself feeling an emotional response, whenever you think of money, to maybe challenge that response by saying why do I think this way? What proof do I have that this is true? And what would happen if I decided to think differently? What would happen if I decided to adopt the mentality of people that I know are living a life that I aspire to, where they’re saying to themselves, look, I’m not compromising my values, I’m not changing who I am and how I show up, I still shop at Target and I still proudly, you know, will go to Goodwill if I need to. But I also want to collect the type of money that I know will allow me to leave a legacy and make an impact in this world the way that I deserve to at the magnitude God has called me to. I want you to maybe look, as we’re marching proudly into 2023. and think, what would happen if I made the slight shift, what change could happen for me, and potentially my children? I want you to know that you deserve in the here and now when you wake up you deserve. And I also want you to know that it is possible.

Friend, I cannot wait for you to read my book in 2023. I am talking about this. And I’m talking about how I did it. I’m sharing these stories, because I want you to know that the way that I talk about money is because I finally get it. And money is just one tool in my arsenal of things that I use to make sure that I’m fulfilling every single thing that God has put over my life. And I want you to know that it is a tool that you deserve too and I’m happy to help you get it. If you want to know more, head over to NicoleWalters.com and look out for the book. And in the meantime, add tightening up your money mindset to your list because it can change your life.

Nicole:

Hey friends. So I know that every week we chat about the highs and the lows and our last couple chats have actually been a little bit more exciting because we’ve talked about what it looks like to grow and to transition and things of that sort. But you also know that I’ve made a point of sharing with you, in a very honest and vulnerable and raw way, some of the things that are a little bit more difficult. So this is one of those chats and I just wanted to issue a headphones warning, because some of the subject matter is a little bit tougher. And I also want to do a trigger warning, because we are going to talk about suicide. And I know that some people have struggled with those thoughts or are currently struggling with those thoughts and so I just wanted to issue that warning right out of the gate.

Now, if you have been following on social media, if you are someone who is consuming content, you know that we now find out about the loss of celebrities and influencers, politicians and people in entertainment at rapid fire pace. I remember the days where you really didn’t hear about these things until hours and hours after they had passed, if even same day. And you heard about them through montages that would happen during new segments on TV, that’s how I grew up. And now, I mean, it is almost real time something tragic happens, a devastating loss, and we are waking up to seeing it all up and down are timelines all throughout the news. And it can be very difficult because it shakes you. It absolutely shakes you. And life is difficult, and life is hard but when you have these messages, and these sorts of stories coming into our world, unexpectedly, even though we know these things happen unexpectedly, it can be jarring.

And I wanted to speak to this because I don’t know if it’s just that I’ve reached a certain age or you know that maybe because of the pandemic, I don’t know if these things can even be explained but I have been seeing more and more young people, particularly young people of color, and women and anyone who kind of categorizes themselves as a minority, or a marginalized group being lost, you know, and taking their own lives. And that’s what I wanted to reach out to. So I say this, because I know that so many of us just on a simple level deal with dark days. And I want to describe it that way because, yes, I am absolutely an advocate for strong mental health. I know some of us have received formalized diagnoses of depression, and not just situational depression, which if you’re not familiar with it, situational depression is a real thing. And it is depression that is specifically related to a circumstance, you know, it’s about being in a season or you know, dealing with a struggle like an illness or, you know, loss with your child or a situation postpartum something to that effect, where the situation and circumstances or why you’re experiencing that depression, it’s directly linked to something.

But then there’s, you know, those of us who have received diagnoses of depression, where it’s due to a chemical imbalance, or you know, ongoing trauma and are, you know, trying to cope with that. But outside of that, outside of a clear cut, diagnosis of depression, you know, I always like to consider the fact that dark days happen to all of us, it’s that emotional connection to dealing with the hard that we know that life is going to give us day in and day out, and sometimes for weeks on end, even if we do eventually break through. And I wanted to talk about that because I think that what often happens, and I’m actually getting I find myself getting a little bit choked up and emotional about it, is that for some reason, and maybe this is sort of the challenge and the difficulty of depression. We think that depression looks a certain way. And I know on social media, we always talks about man, you just never saw it coming or they seemed so happy. Or they always had a smile on their face or everything seems so okay, and you’re just everyone is just so shocked at a particular loss. And I wanted to express to those of us who are looking at others from the outside, or those of us that are that person who’s working so hard to not give or share or put out how we may actually be feeling inside, that it is possible. It’s very, very possible to still have happiness while still carrying that sadness. Grief and joy can exist in the same place and because of that, it’s why we care of each other, and ourselves has to be a constant. And that’s kind of what I wanted to address here today, one, you know, and first I want to speak to myself in my own story. And, you know, say pretty openly that I’ve dealt with depression in a pretty heavy way, not just over the past couple years, but I’ve also dealt with depression in a heavy way for probably really recognizably since my early 20s.

And I never want to minimize other people’s formal diagnosis around mental health, I am not on any depression medication, and I have not been formally diagnosed with an ongoing case of depression. And I say that not because the medication is a problem. Honestly, for anyone out there who is considering it, or thinking it or on medication for depression, I am fully in support of you categorically without question. I don’t believe that prayer is the only solution. I don’t believe that your pastor is your therapist, I don’t believe that there should be any stigma whatsoever, around getting them additional support to correct something that may be off and give you the extra tool that you may need in that moment to carry on, you are too important. Your role in this world is too important. And frankly, the responsibility that you have showing up every single day, oh, my God, you deserve, you deserve all the help you can get. And that includes if that help comes in a chemical pill form, to help you stay balanced.

And I know that for some people that may be a controversial stance, it’s one that I categorically stand behind. And if you don’t support that, I understand that that may be where you are. But 100% I will never shame anyone, if they need support in any way, shape, or form. Just like I don’t shame someone with diabetes, for needing insulin, just because you’re built a little differently and you need that help, get that help, because it means nothing about who you are, you deserve to show up completely. But all that being said, I am fortunate enough that that is not something that I’ve needed to adjust to or accept in this season. But what I can tell you is I have absolutely dealt with depression. And I’m fortunate that it has mostly been situational and that my spirit, my energy and my chemical balances, err on the side of neutralized. I don’t want to say normal, because I don’t feel like that’s a fair statement. But all that being said, in the times, and in the seasons, where depression has found me, it has been dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark. And when I say dark, believe it or not, you know, being Nicole Walters, the person who’s always talking about granting others grace, and looking on the bright side and believing in our purpose and chasing after the greater good. When I tell you I couldn’t find an ounce of grace for myself. And it was so easy for me to see a world where my girls would actually be better off if they didn’t have to carry the weight of having my presence. And I talk about this in my book that’s due to come out in 2023 in very specific ways, you know, and very revealing ways. I discuss some of the moments where I truly felt like I had failed everyone. And I was a disappointment and that everyone around me would be better off if I was not around. And those moments, not only are difficult when you’re within them, but coming out of them and feeling shame and embarrassment that you were even in that place, particularly when your quote unquote job, you know, is to show up and be happy and be Grace filled and take care of others and show up in the world.

It’s very difficult and it can be a sabotaging cycle. You know and I share all of this will let you know that oftentimes people look at me and say my gosh, Nicole, you’re such a joy, you’re such a light, but it can be hard to see that even if someone is a light, we’re all kind of lights on a dimmer. You know, some days we may shine brighter than others. And there are times our lights go out, you know, and we have to work, you know, to come back at full brightness. And I wanted to just speak to those of us who are in those seasons and just like I said about seeking out medication, I just do not want you to feel any shame around that. Because one thing that I am very fortunate about was that anytime I have been in those dark seasons, by nature, I have been someone who has been very big on gathering resources in the season when it isn’t so dark.

So if you know that those seasons have found you and you are currently in one where you are feeling like you are a little bit more functional are able to show up a little bit better or able to get out of that bed. Then I want to encourage you to start building up your resources that you need. So that should those seasons find you again, at particularly because life is difficult, you know, and we know that hard things come, you know, gather your tools, gather your friends, gather your therapist, you know, let people know that you’ve had these dark seasons. I think one of the hardest parts around depression is that there’s so much stigma around it, particularly if you are seem to be the person who’s strong, we worry that what other people are going to think about that but shame doesn’t serve us. Tell people that it’s something you’ve dealt with, and that it is something that has worried you. You know, when I share that with people, it lets them know that if they see that I am getting a little too reclusive, or they know that I’m dealing with a lot of overwhelm, those people in my life have an inclination and a tendency to call just a little bit more, or to send that extra letter, or to help out with that extra babysitting day, or get the extra work or sometimes to just be the extra person in the room standing there. So I don’t feel so alone. And it’s really nice, because I’ve found and I’ve discovered that people want to help. That is the truest fact that I’ve noticed about humankind, is that we all desire to help even if we just don’t know how, and giving people the opportunity to help you is blessing them. Because it makes us feel good to help each other. Think of how good you feel, when you’re able to help people. As a matter of fact, for those of us who struggle with depression, sometimes it’s because we feel like we’re not helping enough and, and if you recognize that, then you’ll understand what a blessing it is to allow someone else to help too.

So if you’re in a season, when you’re feeling stronger, and you’re able to communicate a little better, and you’re able to do a little bit more, ask for the help, then before you need it. Because without fail, all of us are going to come to those seasons. Now. In speaking to you as a person who has been in that space, I also want to speak to the other side of it, because I think we’re all we all play both roles, right? Unfortunately, everyone around us is going through one season or the other, you know, just like some of us seem to be on the top and seem to be having our best moments, other people are in the valley. And we may not even know how dark it may be. And we don’t find out that they are in that space, because they’re still walking around and functioning. They’re still playing with their families, they’re still creating content every day, they’re still showing up to meetings and to work and to filming and to production and to parent-teacher meetings and to momming and they’re showing up every single day doing all the things, but you don’t know that they’re crying for a few minutes in their car before they go inside. And you don’t know that they are dreading having to go home because they’re arguing with their spouse, or you don’t know that they are overwhelmed by stacks of work, because they’re worried that they’re going to lose their job. And they’re scared about being able to pay for things. People carry so much. They carry so so much. And what I want to offer is in response to what I see often, whenever we discover that people decided to end it all rather than carry the weight that they’ve been given, we often respond by saying, if you’re going through this, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone. Reach out instead of doing this, I wish they had told someone. That is often the response. And I just want to offer a gentle alternative. I just want to say something tenderly to let you know that when you’re in those dark seasons, especially if you’re someone who’s not familiar with it, especially if you’re someone who can’t comprehend why a person with children and a loving family and opportunity and fame and money and popularity would want to leave that world. I just want to offer to you that it only has to be that bad, that that ease sounds like a better option. It has to be that bad that they feel that grace only exist in ending at all.

And if it is indeed that bad for them, understand that the idea of asking for help, can also feel too hard. And so it’s here in this moment, for those of you who are listening and possibly in that dark space, that I just want to let you know that if that is where you are and you’re hearing this right now. I just want to take a moment before I go back to talking to our friend who are supposed to help and support us, that you are deeply loved, and that you are so important and valuable. And I want to let you know if you are listening to this right now and you’re wondering, man, she’s describing where I am right now. And I am hearing what she is saying, I just want you to stay with me for one second and know something that I have found to be true because I’ve been in that dark place. Darker than you would know. It does pass. It does pass. The same way that you remember seasons before, that were bright, where everything seemed to come together, where everything seemed to be less heavy, even it feels like gosh that was so long ago. I just it’s and it was so fleeting and brief, and but it was so long ago, I want to let you know that brighter days, absolutely return again. Absolutely. They always will. And they always do.

And that the moment that we are in right now where it feels so so dark, the sunshine does come back. And that all that matters is that we just step out of the moment that we go be with someone else. And that we just stay in that joy for a brief second, to remind us of how good it can and will be. So if you are in that space right now, where you are saying to yourself, it is so so, so dark, just trust what I am saying right now, because I’ve stood there with you. But I’m still here and you deserve to still be here too, because we need you.

For those of us who are on the other side who you know, hear about these things, and just say, gosh, I wish they’d ask for help. I want you to know that what’s important for us to remember is we may not know what everyone’s struggle is. People always say you don’t know what they were dealing with, you never know. We don’t need to know the details of someone’s pain, to know that they will encounter pain. Everyone encounters pain, everyone engages in suffering, that is part of the human existence. Because without suffering, we would not know some of the greatest forms of joy. It’s both sides. That is life, nothing is missing. But I also want you to know that because we are aware that everyone is going to engage and embrace suffering as an aspect of their life. Instead of saying, Oh, my goodness, I wish that if they were carrying that, that they would have asked for relief, it’s a lot better for us to just treat everyone, every day with the utmost grace. Be kind to them. Show them love. Do not engage in gossip and assumptions. Treat them tenderly. Give them an abundance of kindness, support them, stand with them. And providing that to everyone you encounter every day and always the best that you are able. Because again, we’re all carrying our own thing too. We want to care and not carry per se. Understand that in doing that you may be breaking someone through one of their hardest moments.

I remember the other day, when I was having a particularly tough day. And I took myself to lunch by myself. This was after, you know, working. I’d gone in and had a couple of meetings that day in Los Angeles and I was kind of going through the motions. I already woke up kind of feeling in a funk and call it hormones, call it dealing with divorce stuff, call it momming, whatever it is, it was daily stuff that just felt too hard to carry that day. And I still had to show up. So I did all the meetings and I did those things with a smile. But at the end of it all I got into my car and I was just like, I’m so tired. I’m just so tired. I don’t feel good. And fortunately, in that moment, what broke through my thoughts of negativity and my thoughts of difficulty and depression was that I was hungry. You know, a simple human emotion was the thing that carried me through in that moment. So I said, well, you know, in this moment, the next thing I can do is I can go eat. And so I went and sat down to eat and I was feeling like putting myself in a shell. I didn’t really want to look at anyone’s eyes. I didn’t really want to engage. I was choosing to be sort of in my own space and maybe avoid engaging with, you know, the human existence because if I engage with the human existence, it just be one more reminder of how I felt like I wasn’t all the way there. But what happened was that I had a really kind waitress. And she was so delightful. I mean, she was like, how are you doing today? And when she said, How are you doing today? It wasn’t a casual, flippant, I’m just asking, but I’m not listening. And I’m just like, oh, great, you know, she wasn’t pre constructing her answer without listening for what I was really going to say she stopped, she paused. And it made me look up at her and say, actually, you know, I’m doing okay, but I definitely can tell that I needed to treat myself to this lunch. And she looked at me and she said, I know what that’s like. And you definitely deserve this lunch. And we’ll see what we can do to make it special for you. And just that very real human interaction, just made me feel a little bit more connected. But I’m trying not to get choked up about it, because it was so tiny, I’m sure in her world. But it was like, where I was feeling like I was drifting off and drifting away, she tethered me back to the world.

It was like she tied me back in and pulled me back in, where I said, She’s giving me this interaction. And I remember that entire day where I was feeling so alone and feeling so lacking. Every time she came back to the table, she was just a little bit kinder, and saw me a little bit more, and I just felt more present. And by the end of it all, she brought me an extra dessert, you know, and we were chuckling a little bit. And I felt like I could be more me, you know, because by nature, I love people. So that engagement was good. It was, she broke through just a little bit by seeing me just a little bit. And I remember walking out from that lunch. And I was renewed, I was restored. And y’all know, I’m a God girl. God can use anyone, he can use you. And he used her on that day. Because I remember getting in the car and driving. And it took a couple minutes before it really dawned on me that that a shift had remained within.

But as I was driving back, I realized I didn’t feel as heavy that I felt a little lighter. And by her expressing joy and giving me happiness and choosing to see me because lord knows she probably is carrying her own stuff, too. She lent me a little bit of her light until I could find my own. And if there’s anything I can lend to each of you, it’s a reminder that no matter what state you’re in, whether it is in the dark days yourself, or you know, on the other side of a dark day, I want to let you know that you possess a light. And that light is valuable. And it is important. And it never goes anywhere, even if it feels like it’s not shining as bright. And one of the best things we can do for each other and for ourselves is to lend that light to as many people as possible. Because as we always say, you never know what someone else is going through. So friend, I know that we are constantly finding out, some of us right now today this week about a new loss or a new change or something difficult that we have to carry. But I want to let you know that one of the benefits of living this life and being here is that we get to do all of this together. Thanks for letting me do life with you friend.